Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.46: Comrade in Law

Episode Date: September 6, 2023

Concluding a multicultural revolving door of fine guests from the fringe, Muggins and Cream host one of Portugals finest, André De Freitas, right before their very own visit to his country. They talk about meeting the in laws, devils threesomes and mining trauma for art.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Do you reckon there's a concept out there that microdose...

You know how people microdose acids and people microdose... Yeah, he's called Mike of a Cave. Why do you think the Greatest Guild is so happy? Why is he so positive and full of compliments? Man is microdosing pills. This is a good rumour to spread, but probably plausible. Yeah, but also, do you know a lot of people say that they're much happier microdosing and they're more productive yeah yeah you know

there's a lot of people try to sell you on things they do it's like meditation and stuff oh meditation is great do this women have those things the same yeah yeah women have breathing cold showers yeah i got into ice baths a while ago yeah i got into the breathing on wim hof because it's people like you get a natural high off I'm like well I mean you just flood your bottom like NOS

like NOS balloons you do balloons without balloons you take good yeah I still the one thing I kept from that I occasionally take the breathe in occasionally

not me I always breathe no no as a coward's move that as a coward's move that's something good you've got to become mindful of the breathing that's what they say that. You got to become mindful of the breathing.

That's what they say. That's what they say. Become mindful of the breathing. But then when you become mindful of the breathing, sometimes I worry, like, am I breathing wrong? Yeah. Because they go, you know, like when they go, okay, so you're going to breathe for four,

hold for four, whatever, and then you're doing it with a guided person, and then I do it always off time. So I'm like, ah, I missed it. He goes, expel now and now. So then it's all stressful because I'm like trying to fit in with the timings of the breathing same with meditation all the time i meditate all i'm thinking god i better look stupid god i'm bad at this i'm a really bad meditator you know you know this isn't relaxing but yeah the thoughts i have to

let go of is like you've you've still got fucking laundry to do and you're sat here doing nothing go away that thought he was like but i'm right though i'm sure you've fucking laundry to do and you're sat here doing nothing. And I was like, go away, that thought. And he was like, but I'm right, though. You've got stuff to do. And you're sat there doing nothing. You're like, okay, these are the thoughts you meant to witness and let fly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you reckon your wife comes in when you're doing this and just looks at you sitting down there with your eyes closed, heavy breathing, and just thinks you're a fucking loser? I bet she's there right now, isn't she? Just staring at you. Staring at you. Twisting that wedding ring on her finger,

desperate to take it off. Oh, good, she's not. Yeah, we had a Ukrainian last living in my house now isn't she just staring at you twisting that wedding ring on her finger desperate to take it off oh good she's not yeah we we had a Ukrainian last living in my house

for a bit and I was doing the Wim Hof breathing exercises and she fucking come home

from college and just walked in and I was out of breath on the couch what have you been doing

it's tiring she's thinking if there's ever more in Scotland this guy's fucked he's fucked well she's ever more in Scotland this guy's fucked he's fucked but she's also he's out of breath

on the couch so it just looks like he's been doing something awful and run away so she's just going through her drawers being like

oh god what pants did he snag what's he done heavy breathing into my pants so now I've just realised now that I'm being

mindful of not clenching my braces because it looks like I'm on pills what we mentioned earlier now I've found myself when you guys are talking, putting my lips over my teeth not to clench them. So now I've replaced the clench with...

Use a chatter. Yeah, each activity makes me more believe in the pills at each thing you do. But you were saying you had a Ukrainian refugee. Yeah. How was that process? How was it processed? Really badly. Of like... How does that person get to you? ukrainian you had a ukrainian refugee yeah how was that process how was it processed really badly

of like the how how how does that person get to you because a friend of mine also so we we got a we got a we'll put our house up like um in like the february or something when it all started kicking off and we found out that like people are going to be displaced and we will we want a four-bedroom house there and only two of them like one of them's being used for a bedroom one of them's a spare bedroom and the other two are offices natalie's office in my office so we've got a four-bedroom house and we're like if we don't put our house forward who the fuck is yeah who's looking after these people if if if not us so we'll put a house forward the tory government so no did. Did you guys see that video where this guy goes around the streets being like, when there's like, refugees, welcome, we got to bring them in.

This guy goes around and be like, would you take a refugee in your house? And he goes, oh, my house is too small. I actually can't. And he goes, okay, would you take a refugee in? And they go, no, I think that's the good. So there's all these people. You can't find a single person to say yes. But you never know, like, who you're going to gonna get it's a laundry because my friend also took one and it's

hilarious because so they see in the news all these little old ukrainian women with with the thing i've lost everything whenever and they go oh we must help so this they put their house up and like the hottest Ukrainian like shows up. Like, I mean, the hottest. There's loads of broken marriages because of this. There's so many broken marriages where the husband ran off with a refugee. And it was so funny. He goes, how's it going?

He goes, listen, let me show you her because I can't show you on my own Instagram because my wife sees it. And she's like an artist, painter, you know cool hot and her and my friend's wife had just given birth so she was just kind of going through that you know oh my body's not back where i want it to be just a little bit of kind of like a little self-esteem so they're thinking they're taking in this like really disadvantaged person it-huh it's like Ukrainian supermodel shows because it's a roll of the dice as well like we we had life was set to easy for us we had somebody that was doing photography course and then now all of a sudden they're doing the course

in Scotland instead of Kiev right so they just got on with their life and stepped in but they didn't have anyone on the front line so you could have somebody that's coming in and that brother's just died and that dad's still at war and they've got PTSD. Like, you don't know, like, we absolutely had it easy in that respect that we didn't have to deal with her trauma. She was just very much just like a student that was borrowing a house for six months. Yeah. I think there is a really... It felt more like facilitating a gap, yeah, than taking in...

Yeah, than taking in a refugee. It's funny because I am... Obviously, there's so much like btst for people i was um i was thinking about going to do to go to ukraine to do a couple gigs so i was talking to this promoter and i think they've had enough bombing yes god that was my opening line i wanted to take the roof off, but it was already gone. Yeah. But you know what's really weird? Like they have three comedy clubs running, apparently.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, three comedy clubs running. And they're running on generators. But you know why a lot of people go to comedy? Because the clubs are in like basement bunkers. Yeah. So it's actually safer for you to go to comedy than to stay home. I imagine just going

i'd be like happy to be here and people are like i am just here so like my house doesn't get missiled out just fallen from the ceiling on the other side of things i think if there was like a war in this country or in america the last people you would want to survive is just the people who go to comedy clubs that's not who we want to repopulate the planet with. I thought there would be a great movie if there's like a great movie idea would be so like some comedians are doing some night and then like some audience members stay behind and they ended up doing like a lock-in

and then the sun comes and the world's been sort of like destroyed. So the only people that have now to like fight these aliens are like four comedians in an open spot. And a small audience. And like a very small audience and one bar staff member that just happens there. It was one of the audience members

is one of the hecklers. So you've developed all these dynamics, you know what I mean? Every time they've got like a, you know what I mean like every time they've got like a gotta generate a work and to get electricity back to the city they're just looking

at the sound tech yeah I mean you're the tech this is your thing right so they're all getting guns out to fight the aliens the open spots like

alright give me a gun and they're all like you gotta earn it start with a start with a wood one a spud gun I just realized spud gun. I just realized spud gun, does that make any sense?

No. In Portuguese, potato gun. Oh, yeah, yeah. You plug it into the potato and... Oh, yeah, I think I've seen videos of this. No, we didn't have this in Portugal. You didn't have spud guns in Portugal? No, no. Fucking hell, how did you pretend to murder each other as children?

Well, we did plenty of murdering back in the day so you know we always found like um my my uh my friend who was the you're still telling me this story about so this refugee promoter right now so sorry the refugee promoter uh hey the great people you'll love them. This one sings, this one dances, this one can juggle. A refugee promoter. As soon as they get off the boat, it's like, I'm putting on a gig. No, so this Ukrainian, like,

she had some people that were in, obviously close to her that died in the war. So I made this joke that was like really about, it was against russia but because i said the line just be like ironically you know i love russia you know because they're listening she took that i love russia and like emailed my agent emailed me tested her and i'm like and i tried to explain i was like she messaged me and i'm like, you're a comic as well. Like the context of the joke is against Russia.

But she goes, but you said, I love Russia. And I'm like, yeah, but if you listen to the jokes, 20 seconds, if you listen to the joke, you'll know it's not about, but. But she's so triggered because of what she's been through. Because of, yeah. So I even took the video down. I took the video down because I was like

listen you know I want to hopefully work with you in the future and I don't want to like create any more like tension and necessarily

and Putin does have some good ideas I'm just saying yeah did you hear about when the the killers were playing fucking Georgia

I think it was not the state the country and like every day they bring somebody on to like do the drums or like play bass or sing along with them.

And they brought on a Russian guy and Georgia was obviously like, hey, no. And the guys were like, hey, hey, we're all brothers and sisters in this.

And like everyone fucking left. I'm like, it's not the time to promote Russian people. Unless it's, you know, my girlfriend is Russian and she's like, what did not the time to promote Russian people. Unless it's... You know, my girlfriend is Russian and... What did I just say?

Yeah. What did I just fucking say? I'm actually just promoting love, guys. Again, I'm not for that on this podcast. And she wasn't allowed in the UK to come and visit me for the fringe. Really? Yeah. And maybe it's also because she's unemployed and it's like looking for a new place to live.

Works for the Kremlin. Yeah. Yeah, how confident are you she's got no ties to the KGB? Like, is the sex aggressive enough where you're like, hold on, that's a bit... Boy, this rope is tight. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is a professional knot. She goes, oh, let's try this like cool thing. It like really sexy and like what is it so i put it back over your head and then there's some water when are we gonna get married well that was like she she hates this right but um i i'm like i i worry that her father might be a mobster 100 he's russian yeah but also but not only is he russian but i was like one day i was like i asked her like oh what does your dad do and she's like he works in construction and i'm like oh this could only get worse if you said waste management god i wonder why he likes being taught to put tall drops in cement mixers.

He's just got a love of buildings. And then I was like, what is he building? She goes, don't worry about it. Oh, no. Only worse if she went, forget about it. I know, I know. But she lives in Europe. And I'm like, oh, yeah, me and all my brothers all studied in Europe.

You know, there was a period where we had to leave Russia. And I'm like, why? We don't talk about that. And I'm like, and then one day before, she came to Australia with me. So right before she came, I flew out earlier. She came early. Apparently her father said,

oh, why don't you bring this boy you're dating to the house in Valencia so we can meet him? And I'm like, hey. I'll take him out on international waters on my books. Yeah. You're into DPS, son. Did you go? Valencia so we can meet him and I'm like I'll take him out on international waters on my books yeah you're into DPS then you go no I was already in Australia thank god oh yeah she's like I just can't make it so you still haven't met the parents yet no and I don't need to honestly her father her father oligarch seal of approval yeah exactly like dude can you imagine you're saying like you know your daughter right

like uh you work in construction you come from this like you know you build your your your business through the fall of like the ussr right you send your kids to study in europe and then your daughter comes and he goes letting a stand-up comedian and you want portugal you know you want to hope he goes on instagram and sees that real and also takes it out of context. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone taking it at face value. He's like, this guy said, I hate Russia. I love Russia.

Sorry, I'm not listening to the rest of the joke. Yeah, exactly. How long have you been with her? I've been with her for a year. Oh, I mean, it's getting. Yeah. But he doesn't speak English. So it's interesting.

Like her mother speaks a bit of Spanish. She speaks like the same quality of Spanish as I speak. But her father does not speak either Spanish or English. So I feel like the whole meal would just be him looking at me like deep in my soul. Yeah, trying to just pick up your vibes. Yeah. Pick up your energy because he can't even understand a word. He's just trying to figure out

a few words. And then just at the end of the minute, all he says is like, Wim Hof. You know, like just. I think you'll have to

power play him. Just slap him from the fucking get go. I think they respect that. Yeah. Would they? Maybe. I think,

give it a go. There's only one way to find out. But like, I think, yeah. From what I've heard. I think like,

Callum Toots, give him a little fucking. I bet he's bald. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, he's bald. heard. I think it's like a kind of touch. Give him a little fucking. I bet he's bald. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, he's bald. 100% he's bald. He's Alexei, and his name's Alexei. Slap him like that.

You might shine his head. Oh, yeah, a little bit of physical humour because he doesn't get the language. Grab his cheeks. Grab his cheeks. Give him a good shug. Get a balloon. Rub it off some fabric and stuff.

Be like, look what this does to your hair it's not working that's weird and then at the end at the end of the day I'm just sort of like in bed with my girlfriend

be like first day how do you think it went he goes you slept my father and I'm like and we got three more days of this and I'm like

you're ready like tomorrow I'm punching his ass no I think he wakes up he's the world's worst mobster he wakes up he's like that guy fucking slapped my head I'm gonna, if you're ready, tomorrow I'm punching his ass. No, I think he wakes up, he's the world's worst mobster, he wakes up, he's like, that guy fucking slapped my head, I'm going to have to hurt him.

I'm going to kill his girlfriend. Bang. Oh no. Because he goes, I want you to suffer, but if I kill you, you do not know suffering, so I kill my own daughter, so you suffer. And I'm like...

He's got a 4D chest, this guy. He's got a chest. This guy's made of steel. And he's going to kill you, and you're like, but surely you have to avenge the guy that killed your daughter. And he's like,

that's an excellent point. Oh, no. Now it looks like I did it. Now you're framed for double homicide. Yeah, exactly. All of a sudden, anyone shows up, I'm the only person alive, and you're like framed for double homicide exactly all of a sudden anyone shows up I'm the only person alive

and be like this is a huge misunderstanding guys let me explain if I was a Russian oligarch and I wanted to

commit suicide because I had depression I would try my best to shoot myself twice in the back of the head double tap

double tap yourself Putin's like I swear to fucking God I swear to fucking God this time it's legit he had depression he told people he was gonna do it

I know I know this is what I always do I know they always fall out of buildings and stuff but I swear to fucking God I did not do this one

he goes he drank the another choc himself he downed it I don't know where he got it. He said his last words were bottoms up. And they're like, oh, this is suspicious because you've never acknowledged depression as a real disease.

Honestly, I've come around and this guy, he had it. My best friend just killed himself. I'm really sad this time. Yeah. He had such big depression that like his airplane fell out of the sky, you know? Oh, God. He goes, take me now. I have such, and I shouldn't say this, I have such respect for Vladimir Putin now

for just straight balling to camera being such a tragedy. It happens all the time. Motherfucker, come on. Come on. At least wink at camera. We all know. Even your trusted supporters are like, we know you did it and we

think it's cool nobody loses if you just go ah like come on is he still is he still just 100% he's like he's like these things happen all the time yeah because it happened to leah kobe yeah the guy whose name i can't pronounce that you also definitely shot down all those years ago just all they had depression all all of them, all of them depressed. But have you ever seen that video where he's like with his cabinet and he's like saying something and then he goes, and so, well, what do you think? And like the like head of the KGB is there and he goes, well, he kind of like slightly disagrees.

So there's this like pause in the room. You could see all the other like co-workers be like, ooh, I can't believe you did that. Like they're like, oh, snap. And he goes, and Putin goes, so that's what you think, huh? And he goes, well. I'm hoping Maynard. Yeah.

You know, I'm not closed on any thought and he goes okay and you could just see the way that he looked and asked was enough for him to say I'll shut up now otherwise my whole family he should have fucking slapped him across the head give him a fucking nookie shut up Putin

I'm hoping that if I do meet my girlfriend's father i end up having a story like the machine yeah yeah you know i'm like what's even the point you know if you're gonna date a russian and not that like get a story that makes your career so you never have to write so funny if he's just like super camp. He's like the Russian from Eurovision movies. Really kind and empathetic. He's like Alan Carr but Russian. He just has a little cry because you're both so happy together. My father has a nickname in Russian and then they'll tell you like in Russian.

And he goes, wow, that sounds scary. What is it? Chatty man. Chatty man. chatty comrade I have a I have a question for you which you you can feel free

to ask me to edit out but I heard the other night in the So You Think You're Funny party you walked up to Steve Bennett from Chortle and went who the fuck's this guy

oh my god how do you know this but I didn't know who this guy was it's all over Chortle it's front page really Oh my God, how do you know this? But I didn't know who this guy was. It's all of a total. It's front page. Really?

The fucking goal of Bennett at that. Is it true? Yeah, because I didn't know who he was. He was talking to somebody and I'm like, hey, nice to meet you. I'm Andre. He goes, oh, I'm Steve. And I'm like, cool. So what brings you here? Just, you know,'m Andre. He goes, oh, I'm Steve. And I'm like, cool. So what brings you here?

Just, you know, casual conversation. He goes, are you a comedian? He goes, no, I'm a reviewer. I was at your show three days ago. And I was like, did you like it? And he goes, you'll have to wait to find out. And I'm like, I don't. What a fucking cunt, Malik.

Jesus. Just. First of all, why is he at this? What are you thinking? You ask him if he likes your show. Don't. Oh, you'll have to wait and find out. Why don't you subscribe to my Patreon? And clickbait me.

Fucking get out of here. I gave you a free ticket, you back of shit. But I really didn't know who he was because, A, I never asked to know when people are in the audience. And then secondly, when I leave my show i like shake everybody's hands uh but i don't know necessarily who they are you would have known you would have known his weak ass pathetic handshake you would you would have just felt a shiver like someone had walked over your grave when you shook his limp little hand he's like it doesn't have any bones in it why you have this flesh lump a fucking handful oh my god i've never seen you i you know

i've only you know i've only met you oh my god I've never seen you you know I've only met you five times but I've never seen you as passionate about something

as I just man like we first of all we fucking hate reviewers anyway

but Steve Bennett is the wormiest of fucking worms he's the ex-comic

reviewer he tried to figure it out he couldn't figure it out so

acts like he figured it out with a pen he's so he only has power over his perceived power

over like open spots and stuff the second you become like an actual legitimate comedian he shrivels up and cowers away for anyone that doesn't

like sort of fear him like he was at Just for Laughs fucking years ago and at a time when I did not have the money to do what I did I was sat at a table with like 20 fucking comedians and he was there and I was so angry that he was

there because I'm like this this isn't for you man you don't get to be here this is this is comic sitting around a fucking table absolutely fuck off don't say that to him but I go around the bar get an entire fucking round at the Just for Laugh bar for 20 comedians and make sure I look him in the eyes and don't ask him what he wants to fucking drink. Like, he is. It's so bad, because he gave me event of the year in 2016, and then in 2020, he gave me second best for event of the decade, right?

And I still hate him, because he took the wind out of me sails when I was brand new. I was a brand new comic, and he talked shit about us on the internet. When I'm brand new and trying to make it work, and then when I'm brand new. I was a brand new comic and he talked shit about us on the internet when I'm brand new and trying to make it work and then when I'm fucking running something

that's actually got the whole fucking world's attention then he jumps on board and goes, this is good. And I'm like, where the fuck were you when I needed you?

Get out of here. I'm kind of scared, right? Because I don't know about the review. I don't know if it's come out or yeah. So I've never, I've not read one review

of me the whole time well you're lucky because we've got it right here bring it up bring it up Matthew actually how are you psychologically

two days from the end of the festival are you fragile yeah so I need to like sit down when I get out of here and maybe read them

or not right so but they tell me it's like here's the rule if you do read reviews and this is for somebody who like for the when I get out of here and maybe read them or not, right? So, but they tell me it's like- Here's the rule. If you do read reviews, and this is for somebody who like for the first fucking four years of my career, fucking all the good reviews meant nothing

and all the bad ones fucking stunned. Yeah. Like I can't remember who it was they told me and it's very hard to do. If you take the bad reviews seriously, you have to take the good reviews seriously regardless of where they're from. Even if it's just like a fucking five-star

on the fringe website from an audience member if you're taking a fucking comedy journalist and i can't say that with enough fucking stank on its opinion seriously remember this is just a fucking nerd right who got the lowest of art forms to fucking review right nobody cares about their taste in music nobody cares about their taste in film nobody cares about their taste in food nobody cares so they go to the lowest fucking thing in the world. Wait, wait. A bunch of egos will definitely read it and they'll get clicks on your website.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we're so fragile and pathetic. The pathetic narcissist. They're like, this is the people I will have some sort of perceived domain over. It's funny. I was asking my agent about it. I was like, why is this blog so big?

And because it's not like you know you travel all over the world you know steve steve bennett once fucked a uh comedian and gave her a he gave her a three star review oh my god that's brutal which means which means

by fucking Steve Bennett you can get two extra stars oh yeah I'll not mention her name I'll not mention her name on camera but oh stinky poo poo

oh my god can you oh I would love to be like a fly on the wall for that call after oh yeah you know no did he call you back motherfucker he left me a three-star review he loves me he left me a letter

and he goes hey can i if i lick your asshole will you give me another star yeah brown one oh my god have you seen elliot's being the only comedian that's been getting four star reviews that read like a three yes you know how sometimes you get a three and you get loads of pull quotes

but the stars on the poster look shit because they're three yeah Elliot steals it you're getting so many four star reviews but none of them read well

he can use the stars but none of the words oh really Jack Whitehall I think in like his second or third French oh here we go again

the beef the beef the beef of the century got a review that said five star show and it was a four star review it got what five it actually said five

it actually said five star show but one of the quotes was this is a five star show and he put it on all his posters people were like what the fuck is this that's really funny five star show

four star show oh no see I can be nice about Jack. I like Jack. There's a comedian who got zero stars and he put the five empty shells of the stars on his poster. Genius. Yeah, so good.

Have you ever seen that thing, you know, that movie with Legends with Tom Hardy? Yes. Have you ever seen that? He's got like two stars from The Guardian, but they put it like behind his head or something. Put it between with the stars. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It looks like it's just running across. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, genius. But I think even the guy that gave the Mr. Star review wrote an article where he was like, you know what, fucking fair play. That's legitimately good. I can't complain about that.

Fucking, I love what Vittorio Angelo did this year. I saw his show the other day. It was fucking excellent. On his poster, Brian Logan, who's the fucking Guardian reviewer, who hates any comedy

that is not done by a woman, right? It's just, what's it done by? If it's not a young woman, it's not four stars. Really? Oh, yeah.

He came to my show and he didn't publish a review. Oh, well, in that case, that's very unlikable. And I've got respect for him for that. I think that's a good thing to do. Like, my problem with reviewers is, man, you can print your four and five star ones. If it's anything less than that, just don't fucking print it.

What are you doing? It's not selling shows. You're not helping anyone. It's just you being like, meh. Like, there's no positive gain from it. Yeah, you're just filling the paper space. So if he does that fucking fair play to him i'll not kick his head in as hard the next time i fucking see him um he's a piece of shit he

vittorio's review i don't know how many stars it was but just the one thing yeah it just says gay brian logan that's the only quote yeah so i think vittoria clearly did a joke about gay people or something like that and he references that material but he's just like he said gay

I asked him about it the other day and I was like how did you get this and he goes oh there's just one moment and he mentions

in the review that I say theatre plays are gay and I was like and I just used that just took the word gay that's so good very very funny

he did that we played we played comedians versus critics football like fucking seven or eight years ago and as you can imagine

they're not very good at football no and as you can imagine the comedians are not very good at football and it was to be fair it was a lot of the

sort of sounder reviewers because like a lot of the reviewers didn't have the courage to play because obviously it would just be comedians going through Tommy Holgate was a reviewer then. He was classy.

Bruce DeSalle played a bit. Bruce is another one where he doesn't print bad reviews a lot of the time. He's a nice bloke isn't he? Kai scored a hat trick and Fest magazine who had previously given him a two star review but then

they also talked about the comedians versus critic games and one of the quotes was Kai Humphries put the critics to the sword it was comedian star player

Kai Humphries put the critics to the sword but just in a football analysis Kai was like pull quote on the board I mean people

they're like it was like well comedians when they go oh you know they took this out of context but like we do that shit a lot you know

all of our jokes are like here is something that is my wife and his wife fucking hate this podcast because they're like

the way we tell stories is just so it sounds like we win which we do all the time the amount of corrections I get when I get home it's not even published yet she'll be like why did you say that?

It was that. I'm like, oh, entertainment. Totally insubstantial. It didn't steer the story away from its conclusion at all. No, exactly. It doesn't matter if it was a Tuesday. Is this your first full run at the Fringe? Yeah, this is my first full run.

Have you been drinking? Only just started. Only just started. So first two weeks, I was just kind of gym, very healthy. How old are you? 28. Well, 29 in a week. So I was just like very healthy, whatever.

And like good reviews were coming in. So I was like, okay, I'm in the game. A bit of momentum. I had the momentum. Got off to a good start. I could feel the buzz. There's a lot of five stars coming. Like whatever, it's good.

So then two and a half weeks in or whatever, whatever time it comes, my agent sat me down and was like, listen, the nomination isn't coming. And then from that point on, I was like, well, I guess I can start drinking. And then there was like three days where I kind of hit the wall

and I didn't want to perform the show. And she goes, oh, but this is not the time to let up because there's all these producers, whatever, blah, blah. And I'm kind of like, you know, you don't like expect that there's something. I never, I came into the fringe with zero expectations. But when it starts going well. Yeah. It's hard not to build your hopes up.

Yeah, you build your hopes up a little bit. And then when it, it took me a few days only in the last couple of nights have i been like had good shows again because i'm like i don't give a fuck anymore well man the fringe isn't really like it's a career it can be a career maker in the sense that like look if you go to it every year and you build an audience you will build an audience and you will get bigger every year as long as the show's good you know you just built even before i was doing fucking heaps of telly I would come back to the Fringe every year

but you've got to fucking commit to it and that's what you can get out of it I don't think like a career has been made nah because you know what like opportunity comes like the time when

Australia with Mary Tobin like she came to my last show The Fringe like so you think The Fringe is done and then someone comes to see you and then you've got like three months of next year's

diaries full or whatever but anybody who's like you know that industry that are looking for someone to write a sitcom or whatever like i don't want any like every time i've had interactions with those people they go like i've had an idea you come up with an idea and you're like all right so i need to just write and do everything for you so unless you're sat on a sitcom idea or something a lot of this industry attention is pointless yeah unless you've got something to give them when they wanted i i do have it like i have a script yeah that i'm like ready for it to go but i don't put much on it like oh they'll beat that out of you my big goal was to just get

some good stars so i so that i don't need to come back and and if I do, it's a choice rather than a necessity. The good part of it, the reason I keep coming back every time is because I want to have a new hour, and I want to fucking altitude train by doing it every single day, and then it's fucking class by the end of the run, and you've got a new hour. That's the one part of not doing it this year that I missed out on. I'd be I'd be finishing this month with a solid

army back pocket so you start what with the work in progress start previews in June July yeah it's a real and it's a it's a stupid

fucking snobbery but you've got it and it's a very Scottish attitude which is anybody who starts now any any comedian

who starts preparing their friend show before June. If you start your new show. Fucking grow up. Look at you taking the job seriously. You're a fucking loser.

Before the summer solstice, you wrote a joke. Jesus, man, man. We are homework on the bus kids. That is what comedians are. If you are not panic writing your show, if you're that far fucking plan ahead, you ain't a real comedian. You're not writing jokes with no pressure.

No, how dare you? Casually. How dare you take this job so professionally that I look like... Yeah, because all of our English friends, all of them, they start previewing in January. A lot of them, so many of the English comedians, they'll come up and they'll do a 45-minute show one year

and that's so that they don't qualify for best newcomer. I did that last year. Yeah, you fucking sneaky little. That's when you're saying this is your first fridge, you're attacking shit. Well, no, I came for 10 days. I came for 10 days to do 45 minutes. And then, well, I mean, I'm everything you hate

because I went to Australia to work out the show. Yeah. Because in Australia. It's not that we hate. We hate what it makes us look and feel like. Whenever we see comedians working much harder than us... We know we're doing it wrong. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But also, like, it's my first hour show. I think by number two, I'll be like, I'm on your camp, you know? I'm like second band, you know? My first French show, I did take it like I definitely took it seriously I remember I had this fucking like white paper

roll that you could like stick to the wall and I wrote all of my jokes up there and I would fucking sit in front of it like Rain Man

and just be like well that joke goes there that joke goes there and I'd fucking type all out but I was doing this two weeks before the French yeah so I was doing

I feel like doing your jokes in January is like being the guy that gets up in the hotel and puts a towel down on the lounger. Yes. Before breakfast. You're like, fuck off, man. You're cheating the system. Well, mind you, you say this.

We are always the fucking first through the gates for getting French registration and posters and everything. Oh, yeah. Our agent sees deadlines the other way around. She doesn't see, like, oh, the deadline, the last day you can do this is this day. She sees it as the day it fucking opens is when you're ready to go.

Like, Edinburgh Fringe goes, we're now opening applications for the Fringe, and she's the first one, and they'll be like, I want this venue, I want this time, here's the fucking artwork, here's this, here's that. Oh, wow. I'll tell you, it here's this here's that I'll tell you the trouble

with her being that on the ball and us being homework on the bus is that it's a fucking stroke of luck if the poster

and the title and the blurb matches the show yeah because she's like in January she'll be like what's the show called

and what's it about and you're like motherfucker I have 10 minutes what are you talking about like at the moment what's it about? And you're like, motherfucker, I have 10 minutes. What are you talking about? Like at the moment, it's all about masturbating. So that,

I guess, and then you'd fucking do a poll. And then you'd go like, currently it's called The Masturbator. That might change, but if you have to submit now, that's what we're going with.

Yeah. And then, and then something happens in like fucking May, something happens to you, you do the fucking Bull Run or whatever. The fucking Bull Run show.

That could have been such a good, like, I could have sold that show and I could have had a title and everything, right? So in whatever, February, Marlene asks for photos so I do a photo shoot, right? In the middle of all these just usual photos, I just strip off, pants from my ankles, grab a disco

ball out the corner and dry hump it, right? So I'm humping a disco ball and just so that when she's flickering through the poster, she's and then moves on it was only ever meant to be an easter egg she fucking loved this post this photo right yeah and she was like what she would call it and i was like i was this was the show that i was gonna make about being on the council estate which ended up being last year's show i called it shameless yeah i remember i saw your show yeah i saw that show you saw shameless in 2014eless in 2014 oh no not that one but

the Council of State one Mischief so that was last year's show but I was kind of going to be writing about that sort of stuff for that show and then I ended up

nearly dying and got these amazing photographs of us being trampled by bulls in Pamplona oh you showed me this the other night because I've done that too

yeah right it's fucking so you know Esther Feta Dead Man's Curve yeah you did you went before Dead Man's Curve. Yeah, you did that. You went before Dead Man's Corner. Yeah.

Uh-huh. And the whole show ended up being circled around that. So like the last 15 minutes was the Bull Run story and every joke that was in it was a callback to stuff that I'd put in previously.

Yeah. Like things that like when my life's flashing in front of us and stuff, it's all calling back. But it was called Shameless, and I was dry-humping a disco ball on the poster. The fuck?

That could have been, I could have used one of the photos from the bull run. I could have fucking had some title that was to do with it. Yeah, so sometimes leaving it until the end would be way better, because I've heard so many stories of people being like, I had nothing, and then three weeks ago this happened,

and that became the thing. And then you go, but I'm already committed to this masturbator thing, so I got to... Sometimes it would get to June or mid-July, and you'd just be looking at your show going, fucking, I need a death in the family here. I need to get into a fucking car crash that's something every time that I have

every time a year goes by and I don't get on the nomination list or whatever I'm just like but you know what I've got all my relatives I haven't been diagnosed with anything my wife's still alive I was going for a prostate exam two weeks before the fringe being like maybe this is the...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, cancer story. Come on. Give it to me. Yeah, I remember when I was young, I went to theater school for one year. It was supposed to be three years. It was all of high school. But I hated it so much.

I didn't belong. Because these people take acting so seriously that I'm like, come on, man. You don't need to take it that seriously. And he goes, if you don't take acting so seriously that i'm like come on man you don't need to take it that seriously and he goes if you don't take it this seriously it's never gonna happen for you whatever and i'm just like cracking jokes the whole time and and what would happen is like we have these classes where they'd go around and ask you for like the most traumatic stories you know so they'd go around the class and like all these you know these people start telling all these stories and it gets to and i'm like in my whole time i'm like what do i have like what do i have i said that father my father did beat me up

that one time you know so i'm like okay i'll tell that story i'll like pepper in you know spice up in like a couple more slaps whatever and like And like two people before me, they're closely like, I got raped, molested. I'm like, oh, no one's going to care about my father slapping me now. I'm like, you're the headliner. How can I follow this? You know? You can stop making up. Yeah.

And then like everyone's like sobbing. Everyone's sobbing. The teacher's like, everyone's sobbing. The teacher's like, that's so brave. Thank you for telling us that this will be very good in preparation for Hamlet. And he goes,

Andre, you know, what about your story? And I was like, one time I called my dad a monkey and he slapped me a couple times. He's pooping on us. Handful of shit. Started masturbating and shitting himself

I remember he swang down from his tree and I I did say to her after like the class I'm like you should have said

at the end of the thing because your story was the most you ruined it for the rest of us you know that right because she got cast immediately for like

the main role and I'm stuck doing fucking tree. Of course it's fucking Hedgehog. Britain's got talent. Just who's got the biggest sob story? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Oh, man, have you ever seen a comic,

like know what the routine is that you've got to have your 45-minute sob story, but they don't quite have one, so it's like, I don't mind throwing Tom Horton under the bus. He had his 45-minute lull when his parents caught him drink driving. It felt like there was a life change, throwing Tom Horton under the bus. He had his 45-minute lull when his parents caught him drink driving. And he turned, he's like, it felt like there was a life change and he went, a life change,

he went, put me out and all that. And that was the moment when, and you're like, oh, you fucked up drink driving, man. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, drink driving, oh, that's just like how you drink Tuesday in Portugal, you know?

Yeah. Like, drink limit is more of a suggestion rather than a rule. Is it? Because, like, Scotland's the opposite. Scotland is super strict. If I were to drive after a really fucking heavy night, I went to bed at 3 or 4 in the morning,

I wouldn't be allowed to drive until fucking 12 or 1 p.m. Oh, really? Yeah, if there's any in your system, it's fucking done. Whereas L.A., we will get picked up by friends who are like, woo, we're going to another bar. And you're like, another bar? Like, you drove here to pick me up from another bar? Remember the French story after we had a sign show,

so the girl doing sign language, it was her first time doing a stand-up show, and she was like 3,000 people. I was starting to get, like, contact nerves for her because I was like, I've got such a thick, jolly accent, and I talk so fast when I'm letting go. So I was, like, trying to, like contact nerves for her because i was like i've got such a thick jolly accent i talk so fast when i'm let it go so i was like trying to like pace it so that she could keep up and at the end i just poured myself the stiffest whiskey like a quadruple whiskey and i just went back and just fucking sank out watching him at the back of the room and natalie just looked over

and went you're driving and i had to stay inpro for about seven hours so I could drive home. Oh, shit. Do you like, so this is like a big thing that you guys take seriously, because I feel like back... Yeah, I won't drink drive. Yeah, yeah. Portugal, Spain, whatever.

So that's starting to change. But people would have this thing where they're like, I always like to call it like, they have their legal limit and then they have like their own personal limit. You know what I mean? Where they know where they're like, I can't. So the guy will have like 10 beers

and then they'll get 11. He goes, can't do it. Got to drive, you know? Yeah. There's no point though at the end of that quadruple whiskey that I think, ooh, this is me next time. Rush all sorted.

Right. This will be my 45. Yeah, it's yeah lull buster let's have a little break now and come back in after a drink alright I mean

thank you for going to get water but water's not not what I wanted what did you say? I didn't say I'll use the mic shall I? I didn't say

I didn't request anything but like I know there's people out there that think water's the ultimate hangover cure and I'm like yeah and in the same way

that if you're starving bread's nice. But, like, it's not like a... So we're bringing you... Is he complaining that I'm bringing him water? No, no, I'm trying my best not to. You know, I'm grateful you bought me a drink. I was just...

Well, do you want a little bit of juice in there? Maybe, maybe. Go to my own brew or something? Something like that. So were you digging there, like, surprises with something nice? No, I had no idea. I just thought you wanted some fluid. Aye, aye.

Aye, she knows better. Yeah. You've got to be really specific with me. Well, this is why we're not married, so I'm glad. Please don't show any initiative. What would Cara have brought you? Fuck all. She wouldn't have come back.

She would have gone in there and got distracted by a fucking cat. When you guys get into that conversation i always feel like i'm like that girl you know when you decide to have a threesome but like the couple's like doing something and you're just there and be like so are we doing it or like i don't know ironically you just go and start getting waters because you want to be busy yeah exactly yeah you're gonna be like you gotta be that guy you know you're gonna be at it because if it's your first time at an orgy, right? And you don't know the etiquette, you're like,

so when do I jump in, guys? Do I wait for an opening? My first time in an orgy, I was just like a fucking wrestler from the 90s in a tag team match. I'd just throw myself in and be like, come on! Tag me! And then just off the top ropes. Just flew in off the top.

I made it one where I was trying to give my mate a bit of space because he couldn't get a hold on so I just went and made a playlist on Spotify I had one once that was like so so it was me hooked up with a girl and me my flatmate and my friend

all went out to a night in London it was my friend's last night so I'm hooking up with a girl and me, my flatmate and my friend all went out to a night in London. It was my friend's last night. So I'm hooking up with a girl that's Turkish and then he's hooking up with a girl that's English. And she keeps drinking. At one point, she just throws up on him. So he's out of the game. Luckily, he had his bag, so he switched up. So right before I'm getting into the taxi with this girl to go back to her place,

my friend goes, hey hey it's my last night think i could jump in and i sort of looked at the girl and she goes well the more the merrier and as soon as she said that my flatmate literally went room for one more and she goes all right so the next thing you know we're all in this cab right I thought I was about to go hook up with this girl. Then all my friends are there and we're like, I don't know how this just happened. I'd say those are bad friends. I'd be raging.

If I were about to take a girl home for some one-on-one sex and you're like, can I jump in? I'm like, motherfucker, no. Just because you dropped your hamburger doesn't mean you get my fucking happy meal. It's such a, it's such a like, the girl asks to come back and you get the heads up and you it's such a it's such a like a the girl asks to come back and you get the heads up and you go yes and then the was it a girl the first

one like on the taxi room for one more yeah no no so that was so it was so it's gonna be you and two girls there's no it's me and the one girl because my friend had lost his girl who had thrown up and she was like wobbling in the car so a group of three girls came out yeah uh so there was three of us yeah and then two of them stayed behind and then i'm getting in the corner. So a group of three girls came out. Yeah. And so there was three of us. Yeah. And then two of them stayed behind. And then I'm getting in the taxi, like opening the door. And my friend goes,

man, it's my last night here. You know, he's one of my close friends. So I asked and she goes, she like immediately was like, yeah, the more the merrier.

And then when my family was like, well, in that case, can I get, can I do a spot? Take five. I'm not doing any new stuff. I mean,

don't get me wrong. Good for her. But if that was me, if, if I was bringing a girl back and then you two fucking jumped in, there'd be time all the way through that.

I would be making really angry eye contact being like, I'd actually be reading the messages. I cannot believe it. I would be reading the messages i would be reading the messages in the group whatsapp where you're slacking us off for doing it it's it's the least it's the least like glamorous orgies as well because the whole time we're in the cab i was like i hope the cab driver doesn't ask how we know each other i asked to join in this right yeah so we get so we get it man i'll tell you this so we get so we get I'll tell you this

so we get to we get to her house it's this tiny little apartment in Camden she goes go to the room at the bottom and then

four other guys three dudes she brings three three cans of Stella you know puts the football on takes it down to the man cave she's got a wee got a wee crash for her shacks ball on it takes you down to the man game we crash

for our shacks puts on the neon ball light and then she goes she keeps

she's like looking for something clearly she's going around in drawers and we're

sort of like hey what are you looking for fourth controller

for FIFA she goes I'm looking for this for this big pink dildo what this needs is more is there any holes left

you gonna put it in yeah and I'm like listen I don't wanna seem cocky but I think between the three of us we got this covered

you know unless you've got two vaginas we're pretty airtight here you're like picking is this it no I said the pink one not sebastian so so eventually she goes all right

shuts down the light right we sort of kind of it's all very dark we sort of move she she's you know starts like we start having God, I hope my girlfriend doesn't listen to this podcast. I hope her dad does. Can you get this in Russia? Well, maybe he'll be like, ah, there's a real man's man, you know? Maybe he'll finally respect me. So I'm with her on one end, and then on the other end is my friend. And my friend and I were like, ah, like oh he goes oh thank you so much we started

speaking portuguese and he just and he just here he said like english please and i'm like that is very rude of us to you know there's someone who doesn't speak the language in the room right so we're doing it right at this At this point, we're like, we've been doing it for a while. She's like, my ears are burning. You're like, yeah, that's me thigh, sorry. I'll move your thighs out. And she goes, and at one point, we completely forgot. It was like, my flatmate was even there, because we just heard this whisper. It's all dark.

You can't see anything. We just heard this whisper in the dark going, hey, guys, when is it my turn? Shut up, George. And she goes, oh, okay. And she kind of moves on. And then I said, all right, guys, I'm ready to come. And he goes, no, no, don't come because if you come,

we won't come because she likes you. And if you do it, you'll ruin for the rest of us. And I'm like, I've taken you as far as I can. At this point, it's every man for himself. I thought you gonna be like if you can if you come i'll come it's like sneezing you know yawning i yawning you don't sneeze from somebody else's sneeze so um so i i do it and uh she's like all right we're done and he goes oh you you fucking motherfucker and he goes listen it was either this or nothing for you. You should be grateful.

And then she goes at the end, she's like, so she turns to me. She wants to give me a kiss on the mouth after like the whole time having like my friend's dick in her mouth. And I'm like, oh, no, it's okay. She goes, you know, I'd like to see you again. And they're there. And she goes, I'm really sorry, but like I'd like to see you again. And they're there. And she goes, I'm really sorry, but I'd like to see him one-on-one. And I'm like, I'm so sorry. I thought, I got myself three.

This is a one-time thing for me. I'm like, Ben, I'm fucking Matt Damon, baby. And she goes, what, really? God, because I fucked your friends because I thought you'd like me more. and she goes what really god god because I I fucked your friends because I thought you'd like me more

don't get me wrong I think you're a team player you know I think you're definitely the coolest chick I've met this year yeah for sure

I like you more but I've fallen less in love with you yeah yeah yeah you know the key to the man's heart is their stomach. It's not blowing all their friends. So at this point, she keeps going into this other room next door.

And this room we were in, by the way. She's still looking for the pink dildo. She's like, oh, yeah, you're not going to see me again? Well, luckily I got my friend. And so the room we're in is like a mess there's no bed it's like a mattress on the floor clothes everywhere and we're just kind of standing there and she keeps going into this other room and i sneak into the i look at the room and like it's the most tidy room we've ever seen all pink perfect it's got a little heart balloon at the end of the

at the end of the bed and i'm like oh that's a really nice room whose room is that she goes it's my room and i'm like so whose room are we in now and she goes you remember my friend who threw up on your friend oh no and she goes yeah yeah this is her room she goes your friend's like wobbling the streets of camden and you're getting like three dudes into her room because you get and i'm like like... I think that's good planning. I'm not fucking with three of you in my bed. Couldn't I just vomit it all over ourselves? Probably going to be fine with the... She'll blame herself. I've seen you guys try to piss in my toilet.

There's not a chance. She's on a night out covered in chunda, so it should be fine. And I understood that after, because I was like... So I was like, that's your room, huh? And he goes,

so what's the story with that balloon that heart balloon and she goes my boyfriend gave it to me oh no and i'm like your boyfriend is your boyfriend one of these dudes is he here it's like how did you meet him on a group night out so then she goes you have a boyfriend and I swear to god I've never felt so bad in my life because I'm like I was really tempted to find out

who this guy was and just tell him to be like one thing is to be cheated on yeah like one of them stories about

leaving the note on the side of the toilet seat she's gonna use that toilet every day but he'll use it and take the toilet seat up and read the note

from you do you think you have a the question to both of you do you from you. There's a question for you. Do you think you have, the question to both of you, do you think you've got a moral obligation? If you find out you fucked someone who's got a partner, do you have an obligation to tell the other person? No, especially when it's three people. You know, it's like,

I want to run down the wall. Unless, unless all three of you find out where he lives, you knock on his door, sit down with him, tell him, apologise, have a beer, you leave, leave at five minutes, and then the second guy knocks on the door tells him comes in for a beer he's like

guys rough day five minutes later i'd let someone raise my child before i got involved in that have you ever heard that knock knock joke it's three guys show up i fucked your girlfriend because you can't show up all three of you at the one point because otherwise it just looks like an intervention i sit him down sit and i was like listen we think we have you have a problem and he goes what is it your girlfriend man like i don't know how to tell you this because like there was just something that's like someone cheats on somebody yeah great but if she does this on a tuesday yeah you you i'm like you got cheated on like caps lock you know and then after we we found out she had a boyfriend the ride home on the taxi it wasn't like a fun oh what a what a it was somber what a what a fucking ronnie We had party boys night we had. It was just weird and sad, right?

And my flatmate was this like Dutch kind of autistic guy, like who kind of just happened to be in this experience. We're all in silence and he just goes, women, huh? You never know when they're like... I, you know, tell him your fucking threesome story. Which one? High five, slap. We've told this on the podcast again, I'm sure. It's the best. you're a tell him your fucking threesome story the which one high five

slap we've told this on the podcast again I'm sure it's the best this is why I've only ever had the correct threesomes

I've only ever done it with really you've only got you've only done God's threesomes yeah yeah yeah I've never I've only done the devil's yeah same here

you know I'm I'm Catholic so my grandma would always say to me like the devil's heart at work is like I know I'm out there

every night he's on her shoulder I'm hustling now because you know when you were like I'm about to come I've always been quite conscientious

there's one time where I was going to come and I was like well it ends for me mate if I end anywhere yeah

oh boy preach to the choir it's gone man so i like my friend who was staying at my house at the time was asleep in the other room and he had work in the morning and i bust in at like fucking half four cooked off my note with a hard on just fucking hammer on the door it's like you got any condoms and he just looked up at me dick and went get that out my fucking face now and ended up going down to the car in the fucking car park in the flats with nothing on rummaging through the glove box to get a condo.

But on this occasion, right, it was in Zante. I'm already in bed, right, and my mate knocks on my door and goes, I've got a last pack of vein.

I was like, good on you, dude. Sweet. He's like, do you want to come? She said, you can come. I was like,

all right, I'll come. And I fucking wrapped me, like, you know. But she said, had she met you come. I was like, all right, I'll come. And I fucking wrapped me, wrapped me, like, you know. But she said, had she met you before? No. No, she'd been on the resort. I'd seen her kicking around.

And we'd hung out with her on the night out and stuff. Like, so I, she was like giggling, I normally don't do stuff like this. It's like, you cliche. I know. You cliche, you. Don't say that. I don't know how you do stuff like this.

And I'm like, dude, for me to be here, you've done stuff like this before. it started off where he was like they invited us to watch and i was like sat watching at the fucking foot of the bed and then it ended up where we were jacking off to see who could come the first on our boobs right and i just be woke up i'm fucked i'm like i'm spitting i'm not really getting anywhere and i wasn't getting anywhere in a hurry and he finished and he won right and then he held

up a high five because he won and I high fived him and motherfucker had scooped the spunk off my pants and hung the high five and I just plastered

the room with a high five it was all over her all over me all over the walls it was fucking everywhere right and I fucking stormed out in a huff

not even I didn't see the humour in it I can laugh about it with you guys now it's very funny ha ha ha ha fucking stormed out in a huff. Not even, I didn't see the humor in it. I can laugh about it with you guys now. It's been 15 years. I fucking had a sit-down shower. I had a sit-down shower, right? Now, laying back, this was the most tragic bit.

I lay back, do not be bad, and I'd left my blanket in the other room. I just fetaled up. How long did it take you to forgive Ricketts? Well, the cell didn't say his name. Sorry, it was Elliot Steele. Nah, leave Ricketts in, that's fine.

He's fine with that. It was when I got up and walked along the poolside and everybody on the resort knew about it and got away. Hey, she's there. Hey, daft cunt. I think you were covered in it as well. No, it's not me.

I had a friend of mine who got like, he became single and then he really got on like the orgy circuit. But, you know, these aren't like spontaneous orgies. You know, like, you know, you go like on Gumtree and stuff like that. There's like that, like that, those sections where it's like other stuff. And he goes, couple looking for somebody to just watch or whatever. So on a Tuesday, right, he goes, I'm just going to, I called him. I was like, hey, what do you have to do?

I want to go watch this couple of fucking, a couple of hours. And he goes, how's that come about? And he goes, well, I'm just going to, I called him. I was like, hey, what do you have to do? I want to go watch this couple of fucking, a couple of hours. And he goes, how's that come about? And he goes, well, I saw this ad. And I was like, well, I've got nothing to do. And then I texted them. And they said, and I was like, I'm just going on my way to the supermarket because it's rude to show up empty handed, right? So I'm like, what do you bring to an orgy?

Just a side of salmon. Yeah. And then he goes, and then I get there and I'm not the only guy watching. So there's just me and three dudes in chairs. And you're like, sorry, so you're in D4, I'm in D4? Yeah, let me take it. So they open the door and the couple's like, all right, great to have you guys here um grab a seat um there's a little sort of uh chicory and cheeses board over there if you want it and um and then they go all right we're gonna go start fucking now they start fucking and then there's three dudes right imagine like us like sitting on a bench like this right and then my friend was sitting in the middle and he's watching

and the other guys decide to start jerking off but he's like, this isn't doing anything for me. So he's just there watching this couple while two guys next to him jerk off and he goes, maybe I should have brought

something different to the party. Should have brought me book. Hello darkness, my old friend. Yeah, he goes, that was a low moment for me. And like when I got in my car after i was like that's three hours of my life i'm never getting back three hours

holy fuck don't tell natalie don't tell natalie with this guy they do like a podcast they take a pause i'd be getting people to watch if i was going for three hours like yeah you've got to see this it's a fucking marathon like digging an event age three fucking even the woman at that point surely like come on lads this is dude no but they do they do a break like they do a break like the podcast imagine like they do it like one hour and then he goes all right this was the public now it's for patreon wait till she you see what she does on Patreon. Well, it's like OnlyFans. Have you seen OnlyFans now? They do not just porn.

They've gotten into comedy stuff. They got in touch with me during lockdown asking if I'd take on stand-up sketches and stuff. I was like, no, I'm all right. I just put them on my old socials. Yeah, that's so weird. They want to rebrand?

Yeah, they want to rebrand big time, I think. So they're moving into all of these roasts. And they've started producing comedy specials. So it's really weird where you have a website that's just either amateur porn or then the roast of Bert Kreischer. That's such a weird thing to look at the page and be like, would you like to subscribe to this? And then it'd be like, and then like the machine, you know, I don't know, like they're really good at

sort of like, they did that competition, you know, where you win 100 grand if you're like, for comedians or something like that. Right. Oh yeah. Yeah, so now they're producing like, okay, so let me ask you. If they offered you a shit ton of money, would you put your special out on OnlyFans? Like what would be the amount of money?

For me? Well. It would be less for me than it would be for you. That's for sure. But there'd be a price. I wouldn't want to tell them. But what would it take for you to be like

we want your we're rebranding one special yeah oh for me 1.5 1.5 and if it was like okay yeah

because you're bringing in new audiences to OnlyFans but your audience what is your audience mostly men? no not at all my audience is 60 percent women uh 20 percent their boyfriends and partners who they dragged along and then the remaining men are ex-boyfriends of other women who've probably previously they broke up but they still like my stand-up really

yeah and what's your demographic um i'd say i'm fucking quite eclectic man anywhere between fucking 18 and 65 like I'm always shocked when I see and it happens regularly pensioners like fucking 75 year olds

8 year olds intelligent people like mostly in Europe especially because they've learnt English to a second language so much they can listen to the nuances of comedy

so you do get quite an intelligent audience aye but no I'm like when like in America like I think like your fucking Joe Rogan's

and your Bill Barr is like I would say their audience is probably 60 65% men yeah on so you get like quite a big range

of like of age at least yes and polite people the audience the venues always mention how nice the audience was

and they don't like they don't leave a lot of litter they don't like they don't make lots of people who can't make eye contact people who tremble when you meet them I think it's it's do you find audiences in Europe like nicer yes because they are so fucking like grateful that you're over yeah it's still like exciting for any artist to be over there. They're like,

oh my god, you fucking came to Vilnius or you came to fucking Riga. Thank you for acknowledging our existence. Yeah. Whereas in London, you often, I mean, not so much anymore, but when we used to play the fucking Soho Theatre, you always got the fucking

vibe of people just being like, there were 12 other shows we could have seen today but we decided to come and see yours yeah you feel that melbourne proved to us that was the right thing to do as opposed to my audience who were like i plucked up the courage to come out today and i'm gonna be socially exhausted for two weeks afterwards i dyed my hair green especially yeah yeah i think that's I think that's true in the sense of like and I've noticed this as well with like industry people in the UK like

agencies they're like you know we're exclusive so you know you should be very lucky we've chosen to work with you whereas Americans are like you're a star kiddo what can I do for you you know I can get you a drink or whatever so like the whole mindset is like so different it's like here you're sort of like I do for you? Can I get you a drink or whatever? So the whole mindset is so different. Here,

you're sort of like, you're kind of made to feel like you work for them. They're giving you not the other way around. I often get confused about who works for who in me and Marlene's relationship. There's some days when I'm like, how the fuck is it good am I not am I not in charge I did remember I was like I said there's going to be an L for me

somehow I ended up doing it yeah you're paying someone to bully you because you haven't got your own motivation you're paying someone

to push you it's a personal trainer essentially if you've got a good manager someone that you're like I am paying you to maybe do work but

what makes a good manager in your guys' opinion? Like, who's, what are the qualities that you. one thing I love about our manager is that

I trust her. I really trust her. Never sign a contract with her. I trust her with money, I trust her to put us first, I trust her to like, really care. And like,

I, so that, and that, I really feel like, there's a couple of other agents, I know like, Brett Vincent and stuff, that'd be like that, but like I really feel like there's a couple of other agents I know like Brad Vincent and stuff that'd be like that

but but like I feel like that's a real rare quality in an agent and it's definitely like something that if you've got

if you've got an agent who you know is just going to be with you for your entire career and all the way through then you know that they've got a plan for you Marlena had a fucking goal

for me with the second she signed me really 100% she knew she was she knows you know second she signed me really 100% she knew she knows the thing that she really likes is she likes finding acts

and she knows how to package them and she can see the trajectory and what's the best sort of way and if that doesn't work out she's got a thousand fucking contingencies because if she were to

stop working for two seconds she might think for a bit she loves work it's her fucking baby it's a distraction from her thoughts. She loves work so much, but she'll tell you how much time she wants off. She doesn't want any fucking time off.

She loves this too much. She's like Alex Ferguson, man. She'll die on the pitch. You do know he's still alive though, right? Yeah, but we all thought he would. He's dead to me the second left. I feel like there'll be a lot of agents

out of fair weather where you'll sign for them and you'll be in the bold capitals on their fucking website and then all of a sudden you'll shrink down to the small letters on their website

and like they've got somebody else who fits your USP now or whatever like I feel like a lot of agencies are just like whoever's hot right now

that's who we're getting behind but like you just know however it goes for you she's always going to be there and that's unique I think and you but like you just know however it goes for you she's always going to be there and that's unique I think and you also

need somebody that can be a fucking cunt because I hate being an arsehole I know it

comes naturally but I don't like doing it and having an agent who's just like a pit bull yeah

people always say Marlene is a rottweiler and I'm like yeah but I'm the one holding the fucking leash so it

doesn't bother me yeah exactly you want that sometimes we find out we've been massive divas. We'll get to a place and find out that we've been real diva-ish about stuff and go, oh, no, that wasn't us. Weird, huh?

I mean, we really appreciate that we've got all of this stuff backstage. Yeah. Fucking class. But no, no, we would have been happy with the sandwich. What's the best, like, what's the best, where's the best treatment you've had? Where's it been like what's the best where's the best treatment you've had where's it been like wow well a lot of the European ones

we always get looked after I'd need to think about that I feel like I feel like if I pointed out something I'd feel in an hour's time I'd feel like I overlooked something else

Tom Birtle's at Belgium always yeah Barang well fucking the fucking what's the name of you're fucking Eric yeah fucking what's the name of you're fucking

Henrique yeah yeah what's the company called A Comic Soul Comic Soul so Tom Birtle's in Barang they're all the same umbrella yeah yeah yeah

yeah they're good they always look after us Australia's always fucking good to me man Century Entertainment are really fucking good at what they do and so were the Tobins

when we went over there yeah the Tobins were really good they really planned wine tours and stuff for that oh yeah that's a big thing in Australia

everyone's like you want to go on a wine tour it was really when I was in Adelaide well surely that must just be like that's what

you do anyway in Portugal yeah so I was a bit like cynical going on the wine tours because I'm like you've got Adelaide wine great

you know we've got like Portuguese wine like it's known I don't know it pops, it's, it's, it's known. I don't know. It pops your mouth as it goes down and it's smooth as silk. You know, that's what we create here in Portugal. Yeah.

I was, I'm not a wine guy, but I was snobby about it, you know? And I didn't like, I was like. Scottish people get that way about tap water. Yeah. Yeah. You guys have. We've got like the second or third cleanest tap water. Yeah.

And we do not stop going on about it Nothing better than crossing the border Dirty dirty I really I loved giving him a glass of tap water in London When I lived in London And he was visiting And I'm like

There you go Enjoy that It's got skin on it He's peeling the skin off the top of the water I um You like tap water nowadays? Oh I forgot He's changed his tune in this

I forgot it I forgot it was a Scottish thing It's like when you find out like a footballer has got a Scottish heritage and you're like

he's ours he's ours we his gran on that side do you have that as well like I call

this like small country complex where like we have it so much Portugal they stake a claim

on people that aren't Portuguese because their grandparents no like they're like every time like any

Portuguese any does anything abroad, the embassy supports my show. Because they're like, you're the only one doing it. So people really rally behind you. Because they're like, we're a small country. So seeing one of us succeed in whatever, you know?

So they'll even support women's sport. Like, we got a women champ. You know? Yeah. Scotland's the same. They'll even support like women's sport like we got a women champ you know Scotland's the same they'll even support women yeah that's how far Portugal's come they will even

Mark Nelson doesn't have a team in the Premier League he doesn't support a specific team but he supports the Scottish players in the Premier League

he's always watching out for John McGinn and Scott McTominay we're going to have to wrap this up sorry I've got half an hour to get into town right let's do it

thanks for joining me Andre where can people catch you this goes out after the Fringe show other than the Fringe Festival oh yeah I know it's funny because

I was talking to Adi Mati who's a friend of yours friend of the podcast and he goes oh you go on the podcast really good whenever you do

you'll sell tickets and I'm like great the Fr french finishes tomorrow and this podcast will come out in i don't know how many weeks but the tickets i'm gonna move but they are everywhere so yeah if you've got stuff coming up in any country i do actually i'm going to spain with uh i would love spain we'll love spain with uh amos uh gill and george zach the kings of europe we're trying to we're going to Ibiza, Sevilla in Barcelona. And you can follow me on the socials at Andre Comedy.

And thanks so much for having me, boys. Cheers. Catch Andre. And be back. It's finished.