Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.5 Homely and Comely

Episode Date: November 2, 2022

Muggins and his wife are going into business together and all is revealed in today's episode before the rest of the world finds out. Cream upsets mums on Instagram.

Hello Patreon viewers, thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Sloss and Humphries on the Road Patreon special. Is this public? Oh fuck. Well I mean I'll still start off by thanking the Patreon people because you actually pay to keep the shit show running. The rest of you tight arse cunts, I mean fair enough, it's free content, it's there to be enjoyed but it says a lot about you you're not spending money on the good stuff. In today's episode, we talk about Kai's new business adventure, and his hard U-turn on everything he used to stand for, his betrayal to himself, how he's let himself down overall, just in general. Kai from the ages of 0 until 35 would kick the shit out of current Kai now

and that's just something I still live with I respond to the alleged controversy some people yelled online, which is what they're entitled to do, I've basically surmised my stance on the whole thing and then also there's a really good holocaust joke in this one

I think, it's a long play, and the timing's not perfect But the punchline, I think, is So Sloss and Humphreys on the road Muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro

Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss

Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Hello mate Are you above getting a cleaner? Am I above getting a cleaner? Aye I would absolutely get a cleaner

Yeah If, um, if You know what? I wouldn't want I would absolutely get a cleaner yeah if you know what I wouldn't want I wouldn't want me cleaner to just be taking me tidying does that make sense

yeah yeah yeah like I didn't want to get half metamestrally sort that out well that was that was always the bit I remember in like primary school

and high school the thing I always did my night and it's not until I got older that I realised what it was actually about the teachers

be like well the cleaners were in last night and they were complaining about the mess you all made yesterday. And you're like, well, I guess she picked the wrong day to be a fucking cleaner then.

Like, that's a weird thing to complain about. And then I was an adult, I'm like, no, no, like, of course they're correct. Cleaning and cleaning is different things. They're entirely different things. Cleaning is getting to the bit that nobody else is going to do, you know, where bacteria is going to

grow the corners of the room the bits where all the fucking bits of food and gum get in. You kind of wipe all the benches down, which is what you want your cleaner to do, is wipe down your benches and clean your benches you kind of do that if you've just left all your fucking shit all over it. So to all the cleaners I bad mouthed in both

primary school and high school, I'm very sorry I was wrong Well you've admitted to being, you admit to being wrong? I admit to being wrong. I would do it more and more often every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I wonder if that is, I wonder if that's growth or I wonder if it's giving in. Can I ask you

if you noticed the shit you got on social media yesterday? Oh, no, but Cara let me know. and Cullen were playing FIFA and she was like people are not happy with you on Instagram

people hate that you are on social media and I was like oh well about what she was like oh the the fucking

home birth thing now when you said that to me in the morning I'm like man this is going to be a spicy fucking did you think that I thought nothing of it man

oh man oh no no because I've gone through it man everyone is so like I say it in the show, the most easily upset people in the world are parents because there's a thousand ways to do it right and there's a thousand ways to do it wrong and you don't know which version you're doing until it's...

So you're trying to fight your corner that mine's the right way. No, man, no. And even if that means going yours is the wrong way. Yeah. Yours is the wrong way, otherwise mine's the wrong way. So I'm going to say you're wrong. Yeah, and people get, you know, fucking defensive about it. Yours is the wrong way, otherwise mine's the wrong way. So I'm going to say, you're wrong. Yeah.

And people get, you know, fucking defensive about it. So when it came through, I was like, oh man, I know that was, I know there was like a longer bit

and also like, it's a podcast fucking clip. It's me, you know, when I'm doing a bit, but that's sort of lost in that. So I was like, man,

this is spicy, but fucking, all right, you've said it to me, put it out. I was going to do something being like, can't wait to read the comments on this. And then was just like, spicy, but fucking, all right, you've said it to me, put it out. I was going to do something being like, I can't wait to read the comments on this. And then was just like, I'll not even, I'll not even fucking acknowledge it. Sent out, and then Cara was just reading me some of them.

And I was like, fair enough. Man, you know what was the- Fair enough, interesting. She's like, I'm out of play. I'm like, don't engage, don't engage. No, no, no. Man, man, the internet, the internet, right? It's a fu-

You ever seen that like YouTube video of the guy and there's like this massive coop of like 3,000 chickens, right? And he opens it up and he goes... Oh, there's turkeys, obviously. I'm gobbling, sorry, right? And they all then... And he just... That's the internet, right?

If you open up and you yell into it, the internet will yell backwards, right? And you can yell as long as you want. They're never going to stop yelling back. But you can't just... No, you can't just open that and go, just shut up, shut up your turkeys. Listen, listen, I've got a...

Stop gobbling and listen. And look, sometimes it feels nice to yell at the fucking turkeys for years I yelled at the turkeys for years I tried to out yell the turkeys and then now I'm like

man people are upset by that fair enough if they fuck off fair enough you're not going to enjoy their ASMR stuff this is all

this is all the natural part of the process in comedy I believe you say some things people either like it or they don't and the people that like it flock to you and the people that like it flock to you,

and the people that don't, fuck off. Jack, go to the Instagram and find Dave Longley's comment on that. You're probably going to have to do it on your phone, I imagine. Find Dave Longley's comment on that one, because this is what I loved about it. We've talked about it on the podcast, and a lot of people are onto it now. Dave Longley comments on every single clip that we do,

and we do four or five clips a week, and every single one he wholeheartedly complains like a Karen about what you've just said and he always says something like whatever they were talking about he's the specialist of

and in this particular one he was like as an obstetrician? paediatrician? paediatrician oh wait no no no paediatricians for babies so anyway Jack's going to read it out in a second but he does he's talking whinge that everybody likes and adores and always there's about six or seven likes on it and when i look it's always me and you and sid

and rudy and just a couple others right yeah read that out as a trained obstetrician i have to take issues with this hospitals are incredibly dangerous place to give birth full of disease disinterested on a production line and power hungry medics craving another statistic home births are relaxing and safe the continued medialization of birth is one of the travesties facing modern medicine women are programmed to act a certain way by movies and television so act up when in hospital. Continually moaning and being led to believe that they shouldn't experience pain. Home birth is a more natural and sage solution. Once again, more women hatred,

and frankly, I'm seriously considering unfollowing because this is one of the worst clips I've ever seen in my life. Jack, how many likes? 58. 58 likes, mate. And people in the comments, women in the comments saying, thanks, heartfelt thanks. And he said, women are trained by television to act up in hospital.

And then these women that read the first three lines are like, finally, somebody said it. That big, bald white man who is only videos of him is either dead left in or admitting he's a closeted homosexual. It's so funny. It's so funny that it just got

he's been doing the bit for so long and it's just steeped in so much irony that even when people find out he's a comedian. If you live too long as a villain you might live long enough to once he becomes a hero become the hero so anyway based on your growth uh do you stand by your home birth thing now that you've your child's been born and you've 100 absolutely absolutely like cara was reading some of the stuff out and she was like i want to say this i'm like can i just don't say anything she's like but you know she's why i'm like just don't

get it yeah like look you read about you can find a bunch of articles that prove to you that home birthing is the best thing for your child and i can find a bunch of articles that prove hospitals the fucking way but neither of us are going to be fucking moved on this thing right and you don't care right if you give birth at And you don't care, right? If you give birth at home, you think I'm mental, right? I'm sorry, I think you're mental. I think it's an insane thing to do. Like, you know, one of the comments Cara read out,

which I was like, valid-ish, was he's not taking into account how much healthcare costs. And I'm like, oh, right, okay, fair enough. But again, then again, that's again, you took that out of context you took my comments and you

applied it to the fucking world where I was doing a fucking British podcast while I was in Scotland talking about my wife giving birth

in a fucking Scottish and the Zoom call you on with a Scottish you know like they took a bit of their own

context and skewed yours but fair enough the context wasn't there like this is what happens when you put stuff out

on the internet. These are the consequences. And, but the rest of it, no, I think when you've got the fucking NHS and every doctor I spoke to

when I was very outwardly spoken about my opinions on home birth, they were like, oh man, we find it insane but obviously we're not allowed to say anything.

Oh, you have a different experience? Fine, give birth at fucking home. I think you're mental. And that shouldn't matter to you. I'm a cunt on a podcast. And if it does, all right. Cool. Hope you're okay.

But we're talking about going back on things that we've set our stall out on, which is a danger I've run on a podcast for seven years, is that you're going to have said stuff and obviously like you got took the task about your U-turn on shoes and rightfully so

I've been called look hey hey I also I've been rightfully called about doing stuff about being a dad on stage I'm just

yeah I'm just a different person people have called you out on even though you've defended yourself pretty well on this people have called you out on Jigsaw the breakup show,

and then getting married immediately after its release. But we'll have unpacked that as like, that's not what it was. If that's what you took it as, then that's your business, whatever. I've went a step too far. Oh, you have. With the you turn on the dog thing. Like you've turned, you've not only turned around, you've doubled down.

Have you turned like the Tory government? Yeah. Who stands on dogs. Daniel, can I tell you what I did today? Uh-huh. I mean, look, I can palm this off onto Natalie as much as I want, right?

Yep. This is Natalie's thing, but I'm there with her in that corner on her side as I shook hands with a man to agree terms on a lease

for Natalie for prolonging the marriage she spoke to her dad and you're going to rent it for another couple of years great

awesome I called Alisa by accident and I was like how am I going to get out of this one so I leased her. Thank you for turning my old school sexism into just a real awful pun.

Really, I think helped take the stank off it. So we've looked at a unit on Tuesday and I was like, I don't want to marry her, so I'll have Natalie. No, hold on. Now I'll do a pun to get you out of this. No. No.

So we went to a unit. And we are going to... When you say unit, describe it to me. It's in a business park. Okay. What else is in the business park? It's a 3,000 square metre unit. Man, that does nothing for my visual imagination.

Well, it's somewhere that's big enough to throw a ball for a dog in a doggy soft play that I'm going to open with my wife. So you're telling me that it's got enough room to swing a cat? It does, but it would get chased by a lot of dogs. I'm assuming it would rather be chased by the dog than swung around a fucking room like this. Who's measuring a room like that? Why is that a unit of measurement?

That's somebody's bit. I can't remember whose. I think it might be John Whale. It might be part of a bigger bit where he had, like, a bunch of, like, it was part of a flurry of bits, like, let the cat out the bag. Oh, okay, yeah. So, like, he was just, like, the cat's always the victim of these idioms.

I think it was a portion of that. And basically, we've been talking about it for a while, but, you know, like like Natalie doesn't do coke, but very much coked up end of the session. He has a business idea, right? We're speculatively talking about indoor dog exercise, right?

For like people that just didn't want the house to be up to the eyes when it's chucking it down a rain and it's wet and it's damp. Vampires? Vampires? No, vampires. Don't, how dare you?

Just regular vampires. Just regular vampires. You said dampers. I absolutely did don't, how dare you Just regular vampires You said dampires Fucking how dare you Dampires We could have gone, hey, hey, we could have got the dampires at the end Right? That could have been the punchline eventually But you don't fucking try to slip it into my mouth

And pick your hand up my ass And tell me we're doing comedy. Yeah, so dogs that, like, even retired people who may not be able to walk as far, but the dog still needs exercise, because we're going to have park benches in this place, and we're going to have some activities for the dogs, like agility beams and... A what beam? Agility beam, you know, like the... Like a seesaw? We could put a seesaw in

like they run up one side and put it in the other one stuff like that mate soft play for dogs fucking wee wee tiny poodle on one end and then fucking big st. berners on the other

do it then you can do the joke that you recycled about town times about the skateboard oh yeah god man you want to

probably stone a loop with that joke for a bit there well no it was in my set had to move the needle off the record it was a bit in my set

that never fucking popped I'm like man because sometimes it would get the stoners in the room sometimes like we'd be in Colorado

and then that joke we get a bigger laugh and I'm like finally my audience you're like I'm going to find the word for this however many years

I've got to fuck I'll get it there I've got to try I've got to try my moves on something I'm not going to do it in front of the mirror So we're speculating about this for a little while And we're looking them up And there was one at the north side of Glasgow

Which is like an hour away from where we stay And apart from that I think that was the only one we found in Scotland There's a couple down in Kent One in Wales somewhere It's really like It's in Wales somewhere it's really like it's not it's not a market

that's being tapped right and it's something that we want as customers so we're there as customers going weed like that

and I'm just going you want a posh doggy daycare it's not even a daycare it's somewhere you spend time with your dog still like you can just take your dog

but you're not like you're looking out the window and it's fucking shitty and it's chucking it to him you can't just chill out with your mate and have a're not like, you're looking out the window, it's fucking shitty, and it's Chuck Nick doing. You go in and just chill out with your mates and have a coffee. What else is in the retail part with you? There's a gym. There's a baby sensory thing where they do like parent and toddlers come in

and they have all kinds of activities with lights and sounds and feel. We did one of those today. Yeah. Just me and Cara. Just you one of those today. Yeah. Just me and Cara. Just you two. Just left Cailin at home. We were just like, squishing some different textures in our face.

People were like, do you have a kid? We're like, yeah, yeah. How old is he? Eight months. What's his name?

Cailin. Where is he? Anyway. Is your kid done with that jello? Stop interrupting So There's going to be a dance studio In this space next door to ours

Which is good because Anywhere where there's going to be noise pollution You want that mutual noise pollution thing don't you If we've got barking dogs and you've got music on I'll shake hands on that Sorry are you just using the lie that you used on natalie when they went you went what's next door and they went to parley studio and you went yes oh because the noise natalie the noise is that is that what you were doing

but you're like changing the subject a bit but i want to get back on it be doggy softly is um i was at the gym yesterday right and i've been out of that gym since february right and when i signed up in february i got told i've got three uh sessions with the personal instructor as part of your membership right and probably for them it's like a fucking maggot on the end of the hook have your free sessions realize you're training quite well with a person instructor and buy more right but i'm like i know how i'm training but also like free stuff and at the minute when we train and i'm doing the same stuff every time i go in and i'm like you know what for a bit of variety i'm going to cash in i've got like a couple of months left i'll cash in these

uh instructive personal instructor sessions right and i'll maybe he's going right where have i hit a sticking point with me back? I'll just say, can I get a PT session? I'll just train me back for an hour, pick up the tips that I get off him and then add them to my training session, right? And then this is just mulling through my head when I'm in the gym, right?

And then I go to the machine next to the office and just see the back of somebody's head talking to Josh, the lad who works there, who signed us up. And I was like, oh, as soon as he's finished with that customer, I'll go on in and I'll ask about my PT session, right? And that customer got up and walked out

and was a very attractive new PT. Now, I can't then just waltz into the office and go, oh, mate, about that PT session, you're off out of the eight months again. Is there any chance i can have it the day yeah you've just given the induction to that new member of staff is there any chance no no not with you no you who else you who else you got yeah yeah she's on her lunch break now that you mention that i am hungry i am hungry unless you have a lunch can you mate i would have looked like an absolute pest so i I think I'm going to not be able to have VPD sessions

until I can find a day she's not a graft. I'm going to look like a beast. I don't think that's a beast. I think that's just like a creep. That's like a, you know, I'm getting into this hobby because you're the instructor. It's like one of those,

you can't leave this relationship I'm trying to force aye yeah good good strong tactics of a lonely man so I I literally

fucking denied me celipity session because I didn't want to look like a creep right so you've got a ballet on one side

so it's going to be so this was like an extra part of the unit that we actually could have had as well but we didn't want to overstretch because the walls are like fucking movable and shit So this was an extra part of the unit that we actually could have had as well, but we didn't want to overstretch, because the walls are fucking movable and shit.

But we didn't want to overstretch, and it's going to take our business rates up and stuff. So we left that, and maybe we'll move into it one day. But it looks like a dance studio is going to be built in there, and that's going to be quite handy, because, like I say, I have mutual noise in it. You don't want your dogs barking while someone's doing yoga no so

okay like that's that's alright with that but we've got like we've got a day can he make over on the place oh yeah

well yeah it was previously used astroturf um well the floor the floor has been a discussion point because

could you is there any way that you could like just very subtly make it into like a big like not necessarily

a bowl type thing but definitely a funneling point so just that all the piss trickles into just one bit and that's like

because I mean dogs are pissing in this place what are they pissing on well that's what there's the floor's got but you've got to have to have a sanitary station that's got

poo bags and fucking blue roll and a spray because you know like when one dog's pissed in an area yeah then another dog's gonna sniff that and add of it so you've got like white bits sprayed so like you give people the speech when they come in just like fucking clean up after your dog and obviously when i'm working reception because i'm gonna be doing fucking hundreds hours at this gaff right i'm gonna i'm gonna be picking up shit for a living i don't know how i found myself in this position you know i got out the sports center where i used to do a lot of cleaning and got myself in a job where i can just tack shade for a living yeah yeah and now i'm somehow gonna find myself picking up shade again you're trying to get out it just sucks you back in you know you know that famous quote

from godfrey yeah you clean shit twice in your life once on the way up and once on the way back down yeah but I not like it was one of them things where it was speculative until we saw a venue that worked

and the guys like would like move into the venue on the first of the month for the start of the lease if like you can make a decision otherwise we're going to start showing it to other people because we need to get it used

and it just instantly become real fast as fuck it just went from just like like i said cooking up in the kitchen i've got a business idea to now pricing up the floors and fucking well if you would like uh some business ideas i reckon if you on the wall get like maybe like two or three big not hamster wheels but doggy wheels and then wire those up to the wiring and just have just keep it on yeah just something like have i mean i don't want you dangling in front of a dog to get it to keep running on a fucking treadmill cat a cat not a real one what do greyhounds chase do they think it's a rabbit? Oh, that's a hare, isn't it? Is it a rabbit or a squirrel? A squirrel.

A fucking fat squirrel. You know how greyhounds are, run off trees. It's not a mule one. God, how fucking dumb are greyhounds, though? Are they very unintelligent? Man, they chase the same thing that they've never caught and they've seen that it's nothing at the end over and over again consistently. Or the damsel in front.

Does that actually work with a mule when you dangle a carrot? You know, the cliche of dangling a carrot. Aye. Does that work? Aye, probably. Yeah. Or is the donkey just there like... Aye, probably just trying to stretch his neck and reach it and that.

I guess it would eventually. It must be. Let's buy a donkey. I think you'd see it more often if it worked. I think you'd see it at the Grand National. I think there was a jump coming and you've just got to fucking yeet the car up. The horse is like fucking launching itself the carrot didn't even

add up to the hurdle I could look now so wait no hold on why not put a carrot just on the end of the whip and then turn it into both so it's like

one back to get it out of the arse and then one forward to dangle it over and then carrot on the end of the whip oh yeah like you know the equestrian stuff

say it again equestrian stuff say it again equestrian stuff sure equestrian shit you know what I meant you think that's what they do on that

is they like fucking dangle character on that yeah yeah but the green screen they block it out after the fact no they've just

got to do it more like you know more fluid movements who makes a horse dance instead of making it jump over you've got to

essentially do tap dancing with the little carrot to make it do the same thing yeah and all you know the films like Braveheart

all the battle scenes that was all done with carrots right we're going to shoot the battle of the bastards we're gonna we're gonna shoot the battle of the bastards we're gonna need fucking a hundred thousand carrots

I've got an idea right who's got some string so aye so that's gonna be my life for the next little while I mean I'm gonna be

fucking off on on tour for like bits, but luckily it's the way we've done it. I don't want to step in the way of you and your dream job. So, you know, if this has to be as part and ways, you know, I think it's Gareth will be more than happy to step up. You know, he deserves it.

I think you've misjudged my stake in this operation. I am there to encourage it. I am there to encourage it. I am there to help it happen. It's Natalie's business. But I'm just fucking 100% behind her on it. This is what I'm looking for to anybody listening that can help. Somebody that can paint murals. Is that how you say it?

Do you want to create something like that? Murals? Murals. Murals of woman this is where I double down and just get a painting of murals on the wall of my dog

softly you can have a mural of murals that's what I meant I want a mural mural I want someone that paints murals

that could collaborate with one get a mural on the end wall, maybe some rolling hills off to make. We've got these pillars in the middle. That was pillars, not pillows, just for everyone. Just for when the dogs are tired. Have you noticed I've gotten stupider since the vaccination?

I was. Oh my God, the vaccination gives And you're like, oh my God, the vaccination gives people self-awareness. What an unlikely side effect. All the stupid people have finally realised. There's pillars. Yeah. In the middle of this.

Even if you just, pillars, we've just worked out that pillars in a Geordie accent just sounds like pillows as well. It's true. I'd say pillow fight. I want them pillow fight. There you go. I want them painted like the bark of trees.

Oh, good. I know the bark of a dog. We've got a connection. Oh, man, I've got a new suggested central bark is the name of it. And we looked it up and there's already a dog walkers in Glasgow. I also just for anyone that's out there that's like, oh, my God, that's what a really nice, homely, funny name that Sloss came up with. I did also spend five minutes just trying to Google if there was if i could just do like a dog holocaust pun really yeah man i was trying polacost like or like i wanted it to be like

why couldn't you just have a catch up i know that was just i was like there's got to be one i was like seven minutes of googling dogs and like googling like the seventh can i just for the record i didn't i didn't want to throw you off what you were talking about there but you did use the word homely instead of wholesome and homely means ugly homely comely means good attractive and homely means i thought homely meant look up comely and homely we'll call it comely and hom. It just sounded like you were one of those people trying to speak Pig Latin. Cumbly, Homely. What was I saying before? The name of it, right?

So we've got this list of names, all mostly puns, right? It has to be. Game of Bones, which Natalie likes that one, right? Because it's games games it's activities it's fun and bones whatever right but i'm like not everyone's on good terms with game of thrones yeah it's not everyone's darling yeah and also it has sexual connotations yes it does yeah and also oh jack yeah homely means more like simple and basic and stuff while company's a lot more like eccentric oh really i thought it was to do with them appearance we can just call this it's like saying it's simple and plain like it's nice but

it's a bit basic i would call myself basic hey you're homely yeah i'm comely that's just so funny we're not even going anywhere with it we just keep saying we've got nowhere to put it it's a bit it's like hey guys I've got this bit it's homely and comely

I mean by doing this right now we're finding something it's like a salvage mission so title of the

podcast yeah homely and comely you could call it no cats allowed no cats no cats allowed no cats allowed

that's good I went rough and tumble with R-U-F-F yeah rough and tumble right it's a soft play for dogs

called rough and tumble fucking perfect let's go and look that up somebody's already doing a children's soft play called rough and tumble

with dog logos and it's nothing to do with dogs and they've used Ruff R-U-F-F well that's it's a robbery it's an absolute robbery can you find out where their business

like just on websites and they maybe track them just gotta keep turning up with me dog just gotta rename this it's time this week that means I come twice on one day me again

me again what it's not a dog so like a lot of a lot of the good stuff's taken Central Bark was taken but what was

Central Bark taken by dog walking sorry yeah so kind of said the barking lot the barking lot was

good I googled that and there's something in Darlington called the barking lot that I just saw so kind of said The Barking Lot The Barking Lot was good yeah I googled that and there's something in Darlington called The Barking Lot that I just saw some merch

that I didn't really look into what it was I do like The Barking Lot but where do you draw the line on like what can do you have to have something completely

original that's never been used anywhere like I called my show Punch Drunk right but there's bound to be somewhere in the world like there's a film called punch drunk love us something like what at what point you have to can They're just words I can use them

Like what's the trade like this is stuff? We've got a look in there. This is that he's gotta be looking I think well, I mean we also said you could do dog warts dog warts and then and then sounds like a medical condition Yeah, but also you could theme it like a dog Harry Potter world. You could have like a little dog sorting hat at the front and they come in and they've got to wear

like a certain type of scarf, coloured scarf for their house and then it's like pools. So it's like, alright, everyone with a blue scarf on, your time's up, that's you finished, right? Or you all fuck off

and write yellow bands, you get in and then I could give you a reason for randomly killing the dogs as well just tell them that like

Voldemort's back yeah just get your theme people like themes it's got to be Instagrammable just I don't get the link between murder and the dogs

but so if you if the whole if you've turned I've just been taking to the extent of you've turned into dog warts they're all separated into the things that eventually you just start because Voldemort's well I get it you've got the extent of you've turned it into dog warts, they're all separated

into the things that eventually you just start, because Voldemort's started, well I get it, you've got the point. Spoilers by the way, spoilers. You know Gareth what, genuinely fucking claimed that on me, like fucking. Oh you can't do spoilers, like I just did that as a bit right. Oh man, it could not have been more than five years ago, we were driving back from some music festival somewhere and we were driving past someone we knew like shout something out the window so i did the famous fucking thing from when the half-blood prince was released and the guy drove past the waterstone

cell and he just yells out snape kills dumbledore snape kills dumbledore right so it's just like it wasn't the first ever viral clips that went out because there's all these people going no so i'm like god if i laugh at this i'm yelling at a friend so i could go past and go snape kills kills Dumbledore right so it's just like it wasn't the first ever viral clips that went out because there's all these people going no so I'm like Gareth will laugh at this I'm yelling at a friend so I can go past and go Snape kills Dumbledore

and he was like what I was like Snape kills Dumbledore it's from the video he's like I only just started reading Harry Potter

and I'm like none of this is on me I can't believe that passed him by because I didn't read Harry Potter until like 2015 or something aye

all of them were out by then right I knew Snape killed Dumbledore like that was just like yeah it's like Because I didn't read Harry Potter Until like 2015 or something Aye All of them were out by then right Yeah I knew Snape killed Dumbledore Like that was just Like Yeah it's like not knowing That Darth Vader

Looks Skywalker's father Aye Yeah or not knowing The planet on the apes Is Earth Is the future Yeah yeah yeah It's all

It's the what What Oh my god I'm just saying If you were to Dog Wars I actually think Is a very good idea

Because look You're not aiming for the working class here. You're aiming for people who've got money to spend on their dogs. Losers. Big, giant losers. Yeah, and have your interests. Do you like Harry Potter? I would be less inclined to go out of a Harry Potter-themed thing

that I wanted to use. If I wanted to go and use the gym down the road, right, but it was fucking Harry Potter themed gym, I'd go on an extra five miles to the next gym to not go to the Harry Potter themed gym. Really? In that leg, Harry Potter. I just didn't want to, I'm a fucking grown-ass man.

No, to be fair, that is the gym where all the other gyms come to just afterwards to just beat all the other gym goers up. They're like, fucking, this will get my fucking axe down. We can't bat out of the Harry Potter gym. Do you think there's enough of us? Aye. Aye, just me. I'm on my own.

It could be sold out. Aye, but that's gym goers. It's not people with dogs. There are many people that go to cafes, man. People love their dogs. People, you know, like if it's... Because when we were in New York, we went to a lot of places that were like,

they were just so very clearly Instagrammable. Like that was the whole, there was the ice cream museum, there was the colour factory. Both were great. I'd recommend going to them, but it's just pain to go into a bunch of rooms giving free ice cream.

And it's just very colourful And it's good for the gram And then that just spreads the fucking word there I'm telling you Dog warts would go viral Little Slytherin dogs Little Ravenclaw dogs And you didn't like when Natalie said JK Howling

That was Cullen Was it Cullen? Yes That was it I always get them two mixed up Yeah I'll tell you I'll tell you Sometimes I just curl up around Ben Cullen was it Cullen yes I always get them too mixed up yeah I'll tame I'll tame it

sometimes I just cuddle up around Ben and I'm just like whoa hey I forgot I was at your house and he always just like slips out

like a bar of soap why are there good pans with that you didn't like Total Recall you didn't even get it did you no and then I did

then I gave it five more minutes and I was like if you don't get't even get it did you no and then I did then I gave it five more minutes and I was like if you don't get it first time it's not good enough yeah I've also

well no I mean I am an idiot it doesn't always have to be a pun either like it's so it's like it's so

expected for if you do something like this it's got to be a pun but I actually quite like the idea of making it you know

like the name of a pub Woofters like the Woofters Woofters call it Woofters the Woofter name of a pub Woofters like the Woofters Woofters call it Woofters the Woofters Inn

Blazing Woofters like the the the barking whistle or something so it just sounded like like a

old pub okay the barking whistle or the barking whistle Craig Hill suggested the dog inn oh man

dog inn that's good that's very Craig. Aye, isn't it? Aye. He would have the, I imagine he probably came up with the best suggestions. Yeah. Aye.

Aye, so half of that list that was sent you was his. So, are there, like, is it, is there ladies' nights? Yeah, so this is the thing we're going to do is we're going to have, like, so, like, dogs that haven't been spared. It's, like. As I discovered with Peggy, it's problematic

taking a dog for a walk and having them off the lead when boy dogs just fucking lose all of their domestication

and become animals again to try and fuck your dog. We saw it with Gareth's dog trying to fuck Peggy. So we're going to have a ladies night

which I think Bitches of Leisure would be a good name for that one. And also Weeks Out there. People are going to be like a ladies night which I think bitches of leisure would be a good name for that one and also weeks out there I mean people are going to be

offended by that man what bitches of leisure aye there'll be certain middle class people who'll be like oh no like half of this

half of my ideas and half's an understatement will not get past Natalie like half of the ideas are for the podcast yeah no

but there will be a ladies night and there will be like maybe like one for older dogs that you know the grumpy old ones that grow old puppies

that try and play with them so they can just potter around being grumpy and then you'll have like small dog sessions big dog sessions mate birthday parties

I heard it for birthday listen to what I'm saying listen to what I'm saying who am I I was going to suggest you can book a route for birthday parties for dogs and have little cakes I tried to snap my neck on the podcast and just do the barrel

I bet there's some people from your childhood that you're so glad you lost touch with oh mate I was on the phone with Sutford on the way here he's fucking loving this man he is loving it it's like it's like he's just fucking sat back fucking let me sell a spliff and he's just watching me decline decline into this absolute fucking dog sap after setting me stall out so hard i couldn't i couldn't you turned and doubled down harder if I tried

it made I'm gonna I haven't been trying this is happening to me yeah well I'm not driving this well

I'm enjoying it well I'm enjoying it I'm like oh no I could I'm twisted run me back

I was you could do uh swingers night where you get them all it's like take the collars off put on a big ball put all the collars

in a bowl take it out put that and then just take somebody else's dog home just for a night just see what it's like that'd be nice

I was thinking about like fight night where you get them to fight each other one of booties one of booties and a little side hustle you know those people put man and a little side hustle you know

these people put man I fucking dare you right you know you know you know in all these buildings

there's like some doors that you just cannot open like you'll have the keys to them but they'll not be open in general

because it'll just be a generator in there with a fucking gas tank or whatever right a door that

comes on please just put like doggy fight club with an arrow downstairs. And just like a little fake doggy door on it. Like a prohibition thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just down there.

And just see how many people. Just see if anyone goes, is that an actual fight club? Is that an actual dog fight club? Just put like on Instagram, just like two dogs just in like a little pen bit and just like people waving money

like they're not fighting but we're making out like they are how many people would be like absolutely well well

any publicity is good publicity man if people think you're accidentally running a underground dog also like not with pitbulls

just with like fucking cock and poodles poodle nixes sorry that's that's happening soon because look

look look out for it I'm going to be fucking talking about loads on social media so look look out for it if you're in Glasgow

and you've got a dog it's going to be an East Kilbride and we'll get the keys on Tuesday and that's where my gran lives so if you want to go visit her as well

you can double up kill two dogs two dogs don't Tuesday. And that's where my gran lives. So if you want to go visit her as well. No, can't I? Double up. Kill two dogs. Don't kill my gran. That's not why I... That's not... Granny Fade Club? Oh. We could have a part of Granny Fade Club going on.

Aye. That'd be good. Whose gran do you think would win the fate? Your gran or my gran, considering my gran's dead? Um... Anything could kill my gran's dead anything could kill my gran at this point

that's not true she's still going strong is she getting on is she doing good aye both of them I mean it's just I don't know if everyone

it gets I mean obviously they fucking don't but my experience is women will just wholeheartedly outlast men by several years

and not deteriorate like both my both my female grandparents can still walk. They're still fully fucking there. Like they can cook meals. They can look after them. Like they're so fiercely fucking independent.

And you know, that's what their husbands were. And then they've just, both of them. The dudes have just started. Aye. And I just say, you know what,

that'd be fun for Cara to go through. You know, me used to fucking plough her through a fucking headboard, just fucking mash her into the bedroom sex. I know she, used to fucking plough her through a fucking headboard, just fucking mash her into the bedroom sex and then just went down. I know she's doing it to you. Now the tailors have turned, you're on a drip. She's just smashing your head through the headboard. How do you like this?

I can't feel anything actually. Apart from love. Cute. Aye. Apart from love Cute So Natalie's been getting laid gay Are you going to do like a whites only night? KKK 999 I said that joke too quick it seemed oven ready

I slowed down the delivery it looks like you're planning that night this is the time when Natalie would be like how long you been sitting on that one I know Natalie I'm literally just fucking encouraging you

to set up a dog's park so that we can suggest a wait only night so I can crack the kkk name name name

joke there we go I'm done right stop the business we're getting everything I need out of this

she's getting like pangs of anxiety and I like I totally get it because like everything everything where there's like a high dependency on you

getting things right for it to work or fucking what am I doing. Even stuff like organising the stag do is best man. Any time I get a pang of anxiety about that coming up, I'm like, oh, that's because you're not as well prepared as you should be. And then I'll just do a shit ton ton of fucking work on it in preparation. And I'll feel good for a little while. I'll be like, right.

I'm ahead of things. And then like a couple of weeks later, you'll start feeling another little bit of anxiety creeping in. It's a nice tap on the shoulder to have that feeling. They haven't let the feeling be a bedfellow. They haven't let the feeling in and fucking saddle up next to you and just be constantly in a state of anxiety. But it's nice to be able to have that, to just go,

yeah, you need to fucking sort this shit out. That shit could go disastrously wrong. So she's just trying to, like, fucking channel that anxiety. And, like, the way she went to me, I'm trying to, every time I feel anxious, just change it into excitement and be excited. And that's how I did it with stand-up, you know, when I first started doing gigs and I'm really nervous about going on, right? It reminded us of how I would feel in the dressing room

before a big football match, right? Fucking tapping me, fucking nervously tapping me, fucking studs off the floor and all that about to go out and play a good game. But there's nothing in the world that could stop me from stepping on that pitch. I'm going out there and I'm doing it. So I'm nervous, but I'm fucking eager to get out there.

So anytime I felt that with stand up instead of us getting into fucking flight mode and wanting to knock on up I was like

fucking yes like trying to like harness that energy and just make it work for you so she's just trying to like deal with that side of it at the minute

I'm fucking so happy for her man I'm so proud of her I think it's very exciting because it's basically well because she I mean she let us know of her I think it's very exciting because it's basically well because she I mean she

let us know about a month ago that she was thinking it and Cara thought it was a joke initially and Cara was like Natalie's doing this

weird bit and I'm like no no that's that's Natalie yeah I could see it and now there's like certain things that's just done

where like you know when we moved to London and like when we bought a house and when we got married and all the stuff that's been like quite life changing for both.

I've seen, I get this idea on our head and it's just like the fucking, there's just a point where the brakes come off and she just makes shit happen. And then I'll just say, Oh, this is fucking great. Cause she's heading in such a good direction when the brakes are coming off now.

What's that? Barking now. Barking now. Barking now. Jack. Barking now. I don't even get it. Barking now. Barkanau. Jack. Barkanau, I don't even get it. Barkanau, wasn't that the name of the other concentration camp? I don't think so.

Barkanau, is it? Bilsons? I know it's, I should know this. Do you know, going back to Sopwith, when I was on the phone with him earlier, he says, I used to think that you two were quite clever in the amount of times I've been sat listening to this podcast just shouting you thick pair of fucking cunts. Auschwitz-Birkenau is the full name of it.

Auschwitz-Birkenau. Auschwitz-Birkenau. There we are. There's the name. I bet it's not been taken. I bet it's not been taken I bet it's not been taken surely not

Noah's Bark you're not Noah yeah but you're not Noah though so yeah that's true if you had a dog called Noah

it's not too late to change Peggy's name I think Natalie would disagree we're going to have a photo booth in the corner

I'm sorry photo yeah I think that would disagree we're going to have a photo booth in the corner I'm sorry photo I think that would be class just so that we can call it the paparazzi but we'll call it the paparazzi now we're calling it Barker now how long have you been waiting until that one

all of the elements all of the elements that joke needed to work have you are we done with this do you know what it's gotta be ongoing

right it's gotta be my life for the next little while so like we're gonna keep coming back to it when we've got progress and stuff but eh

have you watched Finding Yeezus yet no but your brother was telling us about it and it sounds great aye it's the same people from Finding Drago

and eh Finding who I would say Drago by the way Finding Desperado that's the one Finding Desperado that's the one Finding Desperado the one I was a

voice guest on and then they've gone to YouTube this time with Auntie Donna's production company Haven't You Done Well Productions

and they've changed it to the visual format and it's just done so well and also there's heaps of Mark Bonanno in it

so if you like Mark Bonanno and Matthew was saying it's good what it's better i want to watch oh yeah yeah absolutely yeah you've got to watch it yeah yeah definitely what it's so it's so funny man gam jam like i'm obviously we get cam james on the podcast all the time if you haven't if you're new to the podcast uh go back on podbean whether if you don't know this right the archive of all of the podcasts is on Podbean Spotify or iTunes

will only go so far back but Podbean has all of them apart from the Patreon specials but every archive episode that you can't find on Patreon is on there and you've

titled them Two Woke Cooks Two Woke Cooks in this three I think yeah I think so yeah so if you're searching for them use Roman Neurals

I or I I Two Woke just type in Two Woke're searching for them use Roman Neurals I or II just type in two Wokooks and then three will come up I believe he's it's his thing

with the Alexi Toliopoulos who's also great but my Cam Jones to me is one of the funniest people so good I

so you recommend that I'm going to recommend a computer game a Playstation game right so you know I've got a War 5 coming out in November right so you know God of War 5 coming out in November

right so that's my next big game that I'm going to get my teeth into and buy right and I looked up

like games you can complete in less than 20 hours just as something that I could just take away on and this one got recommended on a list

I've definitely played more than 20 hours on it now so either A I've been lied to or B I've just played more than 20 hours on it now so either a i've been lied to or b i've just really indulged myself in exploration yeah it's so fucking good and unique and interesting yeah it's it's quite cartoonish right but you're on this planet and you've got a rocket ship that you can fly and um so yeah the initial bit it just seems like it's

going to be a 3D platform. But then you get into a rocket ship and you take off and you can just go to other planets in the solar system. But the solar system is so manageable. So you can, like, take off of one planet, go and land on another one. And that will have, like, all kinds of shit on it. And as you're exploring, you realize the solar system was previously occupied by another species. And they've been discovering shit, like, really interesting fucking science around the solar system was previously occupied by another species and they've been discovering shit like really interesting fucking science around the solar system and then i don't know if this is giving too much away but then you die and wake up exactly where you started and it's like a groundhog day and you just keep having to find out why the fucking universe is ending

why the solar system's blown up and and you've got a finite amount of time to follow leads that you picked up on from your last exploration. So you always start at the same spot, and you get to different parts of the solar system, and you're just trying to build a bigger picture of who lived here previously and what the fuck's happening

and how can I stop it. Because you still have your memory when you wake up after dying. Guns and shit? Huh? Guns and shit? There's no other characters. I mean, there's a couple of other characters that are your species that are on the planet that you can chat to but they're unimportant everything's about stuff that's

been left behind and it's it's it feels like a big escape room okay because yeah like there's something that happens on one planet that you can't figure out and then you read something on another planet and with that information you can go and figure it out but you know if you just guessed you would have got it right but there's some things that you just't figure out and then you read something on another planet and with that information you can go and figure it out but you know if you just guessed you would have got it right but there's some things that you just would never

have guessed and I'm fucking so obsessed with it like it's such a fun interesting like different game and I have

like Outer Wilds it's called did I even mention what it was called I don't think you did Outer Wilds not to be confused with Outer Worlds

aye which is also alright yeah you recommended that to me once and then that's because you recommended that to me once and I saw it on this list

I was like well that's twice I've heard it's good now even though you were talking about a different game I'm pretty sure I've played a bit of that but I've not played it all the way through I was playing what was the one you recommended to me the fucking multiple choice one.

Oh, Detroit Becoming Human. Yeah, Detroit Becoming Human. It's one of the, it's a decision making one. It's like the, if you ever played the,

Heavy Rain. Heavy Rain. Yeah, If you ever played the Walking Dead games, or the Game of Thrones ones, what was the company that made those ones? It's, you make decisions,

effects, like, it's fun because it's like you've got to make the decisions quickly the storyline is dead good and dead engaging and then I always get to play those games and I'm like am I just this is just a movie

I'm not playing a game really I'm in a cinema where I get to pick I do for a bit and never as long as they make the game like for me

the novelty runs out well before my desire to find out what happens at the end but it could be anything I'm like it could be one of six things yeah

I really like this game that I'm playing at the minute so like good control wise because you know when you land in your ship on the planet

it's actually quite like fucking it's not easy to manoeuvre and in your ship on the planet it's actually quite like fucking it's not easy to manoeuvre and land the ship but the gravity changes on different planets so how you landed

on one planet is a completely different sensitivity to land on something where it's like really low gravity or something

that's like three times gravity is a completely different control over your ship fucking straight down and when you get out when you get out

you're in a... I'm sorry, is it still? That was my bad. When you get out of the ship, you're in a, like, spacesuit with a jetpack as well. You know what?

It would be fucking excellent on VR. It would be the perfect game on VR. I don't know, I didn't even check to see if it's available on VR, but it would be fucking unbelievable. Also, while we're on vr tying it all together when we've got the dog park after hours that's a massive open space we'd get on the vr oh i thought you're gonna be like doggy vr and honestly we're gonna put the dog

on the walk in the plank game and just see, just see what happens. Do dogs have any concept of height? Is the fact that there's colours, is it going to be grey and white in there? Let's see what fucking happens and just watch a full-blown pulled dog have a panic attack. Yeah, just come to our park

and give your dog anxiety. Yeah, hey, hey, we know you're anxious. Do you want a dog that's also anxious so you have to walk it less? What's more annoying? Right, walking outside, terrifying, scary.

Driving all the way here to walk indoors here, better, still exhausting. Or, I'll scare your dog, I'll make it never want to go outside again. That's what you said on the hamster wheels.

On the hamster wheels, put the word thing where they're chasing a cat. On the hamster wheels, put them on a thing where they're chasing a cat. There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. And then, actually,

it would make the dog fighting a lot more ethical if they're just like pouring away at fresh air in different rooms. Everyone gathered around a screen. And they do dog fighting then.

They're like, aye, but they're like aye but they're not getting hurt hey hold on have we just that is ethical dog fighting

that if you could make dogs fight but nobody gets hurt aye if you were to be able to I mean I don't know why we're trying to get dog fighting back

nobody's asking for this in fact people are but none of them are good people they're not people I hang out with but if you could get some type of doggy VR where you know I guess in front of them you good people. They're not people I hang out with. But if you could get some type of doggy VR, where, you know,

I guess in front of them, first of all, you'd have to get like a doggy punching bag shaped in it, just so they've got something that they're actually hitting and gripping onto. You've got to purchase one.

Just use Cullen. Aye. But then we need two Cullens because we need one for the second one. He's got a sister. I've never met her but I just imagine it's him with longer

no hair I thought you were going to be like I just thought it would be him with a moustache on because he does not know what a sister is

he is he's not an intelligent man the end what we've got coming up He is. He's not an intelligent man. The end, what we got coming up? Well, tomorrow we're off to Dublin.

We're going to play golf, aren't we? We are. Mate, I went to the driving range because I hadn't been in a while and instantly fucking hit five shots straight through the middle, right?

Different clubs. Yeah. I'd hit it with my pitching wedge and go under seven and fucking hit it with the driver and hit like five on each I'll do the thing and then just slowly

decline into nothing and I was like how could I remember how to swing a club from fucking a month ago like riding a bike and then

forget how to capture what I had five minutes ago what an infuriating sport for cunts yeah and then right I get like I had 75

battles right the middle 50 what gosh middle 50 yeah I hit 25 15 good battles yeah right

then 50 of them I've done some terrible maths here right and then hit 50 shaitas and then and then that last 10,

I was fucking funding my form again and ran out. And I was just like, if I had 50, would I have then been good on the last five? Yeah. If I had 100, would I have been then good? Like,

how the fuck did that portion, I just completely forget how to swing a golf club. I felt tense. I felt stiff. I was annoyed. Yeah. And then like, towards the end,

I'm just like casually just fucking lashing them. And I'm like, where was annoyed. Yeah. And then, like, towards the end, I'm just, like, casually just fucking lashing them. I'm like, where was that? We went for a lesson yesterday, me and Cullen, and he was just like, can you just try? And he just gave me one movement. He was like, just try doing this. And I swear to God, I scalped. I scalped the ball like I've never scalped before,

straight as a fucking arrow. And got so in. I have blisters today. Yeah. And I'm like like this isn't I'm too that's not how you're meant to hold it

well no maybe I'm just too frail for golf as well it's the retirement sport people do when they can't do anything else and even me just a little bit

me's like oh god but it really does it really does bruise my completely unworking hands and it's like

you're not even you're not even you're still at an age where you'd have one good transfer left in you you know you've got a contract at Sport in Lisbon left in you

and then a season in America to sell some tickets in LA you're not like you'd still in LA yeah you're not like you'd still fetch a price you're not a free transfer just yet as an athlete

as a footballer but as a human being but you're too old for golf it's just every time I'm there like it's I don't know about you

I get like just wanker guilt like when you hit a good shot and you're genuinely chuffed you're genuinely chuffed

about hitting a fucking ball on the fucking straight line there's a little palm of my hand goes you fucking wanker that joy's sincere

that's really deep within your heart that's joy you fucking loser I'm freaking looking around the driving range

for nobody that saw it nobody cares also I had somebody walk past my booth and just I heard them Frick Looking around the driving range for nobody that saw it Nobody cares Also I had somebody walk past my booth And just I heard them in the middle of the booth going He's left handed As if I was an absolute freak Just like Yeah

Hey hey hey I mean I do I think in my ideal world left handed people Gone I do that is I think in my ideal world left handed people gone I do I agree with I agree with like the people of 300 years ago

where I do think it is something to do with if not devil worshipping witchcraft of some level it's something wrong on a not a

not a medical level but on like a soul and conscious level I do think it's a disorder of sorts. You know, if there was absolute disdain for a rising bigotry towards left-handed people... Oh, I'd be at the front of that fucking march.

I would so not be asked. You'd get people who were just protective of other identity and all that, and they'd fucking really push... I'd just be like, whatever. Like, I can't after this for that, whatever. Could not give up. Just shrug it off. You know the way ginger used to be treated?

No, no, don't. No. Yes, you do, and we all know why. You were the vendor. Did you call me a vendor, you ginger fuck? There we go. There he is. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, look atdy, you ginger fuck? Yeah, there we go. There he is. Oh, oh yeah, yeah.

Oh, look at that, because ginger. Yeah. Yeah. So that's you. You know, I remember when I was like the first time, so I was on television, I would always get people being like, you're my favourite redhead.

So I'm like, Really? You must remember this. This is like talking back to like the first fucking tours. Back when Twitter was fun Anybody that saw you on TV Would always say that They thought you were taller

Yeah Because you used to do that thing Where you were getting interviewed By a woman You'd stand on a crate Yeah Just to assert dominance Just to make it look like

You were taller than that Yeah And when I did the Paul O'Grady show I did do it in high heels That wasn't a requirement But you know When you're in front of Paul O'Grady show, I did do it in high heels. That wasn't a requirement, but, you know, when you're in front of...

Paul O'Grady. Yeah, you know, I'm impressive. Can't beat them. Not anymore. It's PC gone. Imagine that. There's a harder U-turn than you and your fucking dog. You're like a full queer-bashing homophobe, right?

And then you're not allowed to beat them up and you're like, fine, I'll homophobe right and then you're not allowed to beat them up and you're like fine i'll be one that was my only fear was that someone would beat me up as hard as i beat them up but now you're not allowed yeah guilty apparently a lot apparently a lot of drag acts are hard as nails which does matter which how was that first big hands in that i meant more but you more because they have to be given what they do and the big tree shoulders on them

and that no what I meant more like how often they have to come into a confrontation and

you know they've learned how to defend their self now I I wouldn't know just start protesting too much yeah yeah I don't know where you got that from

it wasn't me though I didn't tell you that we've I think we've announced Australia dates have we we just have now well

they'll be out they're from April to May next year we've got Austria dates for next year. We've got another show in Glasgow next year, but it's the same fucking show. It's the same fucking venue. It's the SEC.

I'm doing a solo show in Newcastle on the 19th of December. It was meant to be the 15th of November, but I got bumped for Alan Shearer. He's doing the stand in Newcastle? Aye. Eh? Marlene, I've already spoke about this to Mark, so sorry if anyone's getting this repeated, but if you don't know, Marlene I tried I've already spoke about this to Mark so sorry if anyone's

getting this repeated but if you don't know Marlene I was just like I've pushed back against this you had it first and then I read the email and it was like we've made a double booking

a supporters group we've got Alan Shearer for a Q&A on this date so we're going to have to off archive one of these dates and give us a massive fucking list of dates

like and she was like I've pushed back against it I was like, I've pushed back against it. I was like, please don't push back against it. Just see if you can get us tickets for the inconvenience.

And they've given us tickets to go and see Alan Shearer. Oh, nice. So I'm going to see if he'll come out to mine and all. Good show, man. Good show, man. But do you want to see how it's really done?

Aye. Look, he has some tips. Give him a couple of notes on that. You always act like the camera's on it's not the audience then that screen's not there

they're your buddies Alan look at me stop crying so I I got bummed found she wrote which I'm weirdly proud of

like a cook it's like when Dave Chappelle kicked me off my show and then went do you want support and I was like I mean obviously

this is but then you're not going to go and start saying loads of mean stuff about trans people are you Dave you look like a dick

don't think you did then no that's what I mean you're just saying in the future you're not going to I oh I mean I don't agree

with what he says but I still find most of his fucking stand up Funny Like I can I can separate the two I didn't find These stuff that offensive

People are Soft Aye Yeah I guess I was actually a bit disappointed I wanted something harder It was like you know

When fucking Who was the one That said something about Disabled people Or Downs Or Tom Segura Or something Oh yeah And there was like A massive farad Like fucking everybody Had an opinion about it the one that said something about disabled people or Downs or Tom Segura or something. Oh yeah.

And there was like a massive furor and like fucking everybody had an opinion about it on social media and then I watched the bit and I was like I wanted to be more offensive than that. Yeah you were expecting a Stan Holt bit. I was like oh man like if there's a storm like that you want it to come from somewhere. Aye. Well I'm gonna go and write some home birth stuff now. I mean I don't need to, Finn Taylor's got a whole bunch of really good home birth stuff on his special. Fuck, what's his YouTube one called? Something Dad. Go type in Finn Taylor into YouTube. Well his special's on YouTube I'm gonna watch that. He's got two,

he's got two on... God I can't believe I can't fucking remember it. We'll edit all this out. Is it on his channel? Yes. And another thing I've been watching. So my wife. That's his new one. I don't see any of this on his channel. It seems to be the only one I can see on his channel.

There is another one out there. Maybe he's selling it now I really enjoyed a series on ITV called The Walk-In with I forget

his name all the time and you're going to remind us he's a scouse he's in loads of stuff

he was in Call of Duty why can we never remember his name every time he comes up it takes ages

is it like is it John someone? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Drugs, booze, I mean, DNA. He's in the most recent series of Peaky Blinders. He's in fucking everything. He's the Scouse man that's in everything because he's class.

What the fuck's his name, bud? I'm hating myself, yeah. Dirk Cate yeah he plays a reformed right wing like extreme right journalist

that is staying hope not hate and like trying to fucking get to the bottom of like white terrorism and you know

like the murder of Joe Cox and stuff the politician like he's basically just trying to fucking disband these

these like fucking like National Front type organisations and he gets a walk in, like somebody that's like being fucking like, his phone is selling this group of mates, he's never had any pals and they're all fucking spouting anti-semitism

and racism that he agrees with and saying like the fucking Jews are holding back the QF for cancer and he's died of cancer and shit. So he's finding reasons to hate marginalised groups and he's got a group of friends, but then when he realises how far they're going, like, fucking harming people, his sensibilities are affected and he fucking starts,

he becomes a grass, essentially, but he's actually doing the fucking right thing, but he gets labelled as a grass. So it's just this fucking... Does he actually get labelled as a grass? Or have you just Geordie-ised it? No, he gets labelled as a grass. And the guy who, like,

why can't I remember his fucking name? It's pissing us off. I can Google it. I just scouse that into everything. The walk-in. I'm going to kick myself, yeah. It basically, it shows you how thick cunts

get radicalised. The walk-in. It shows you how thick cunts get radicalised basically and it seems like, it helps you try to understand the fucking rise of the right and how these fucking stupid people end up fucking believing all this shit and find groups find groups and company and all that and uh in the damage of causes but it's fucking really well done stephen graham stephen graham there again

it's right there so fucking obvious anyway i'm sorry for putting everyone through that can't watch the walk in it's fucking amazing see you next week, Kent. Bye.