Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.50: Thisis Nicholson

Episode Date: October 4, 2023

This is the last unprofessional episode, we're shooting the next one in our pimped out studio with three camera angles, shit hot cameras, with scopes (people call them lenses but I know what they are) so you'll be able to see right up our noses. All the gear and no fucking idea has never rung so true. If you only ever listen to this, it will barely change a bit, apart from the new mic arms that don't fire through the mic every time we readjust. Oh this episode... if I remember right it's very funny, if you're fooled into laughing when we laugh this is a good podcast for you. Daniel has just returned from a gay wedding so of course he feels he's renewed his hall pass to be problematic, this descends into the stomping through a minefield you've come used to after several years in our company. Enjoy. Thank you for propelling us through this journey as we transition into becoming a professional outfit, some proud dads out there watching us graduate.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Tell you what, them poofs know how to get married.

Aye, I bet they do. They've been pining after it for years. Fighting for it. It would be a fucking bastard wouldn't it if they just met a pig's ear of it. After all that struggle. Well, I mean, look, given how much you love your wife, you know, if the government had told you you weren't allowed to marry her, do you love her enough to march down the street for it

and, like, campaign and cut friends out of your life? That's really gay, that, man. That's really gay. If my love for Natalie was forbidden... Mm-hm. Class. Oh, yeah, it would make it way better. I'd feel like a great kinky bitch.

Look, here's the thing. I reckon in australia before they legalized gay marriage i reckon gay sex was better than it is now a prohibition yeah prohibition sex okay absolutely like it's like just getting to shag your partner being like god half of the country fucking hates that we're doing this it's a skin crawl i could it makes them feel something makes their skin crawl because it makes their boss tingle

aye why do I like that you're going to appreciate that way I'm from so I flew out to Australia for five days

for Rhys Nicholson and Kyron's wedding are they now Nicholson Wheatley or the

Wheatley Nicholson's I think their second name is just Gay is it yeah Rhys and Kyron Gay Kyron Gay that's what they called me

in school I was trying to I was trying to catch it it's dream fun that is a good question I'm not sure I think I think they'll keep

their own names because obviously for Rhys' career they're known as Reese Nicholson and and um I don't know if Kyron would take yeah god I don't know I genuinely don't know Kyron Nicholson does that sound nice Reese Wheatley has there been any um female comedians that have changed their name mid-career? I can't think of any off the top of my head. Oh, because they got married?

Because their name's the brand. Yeah. I'm not going to talk about that. I'm not. I don't think so. Because that would be

a good, that would be a very solid argument like you know how I said to Cara that I was keen for her to take my second name and thankfully because she was happy there wasn't too much you know compromise involved if she'd been

a professional comedian I don't think I would have dared suggest it Hi I'm a little nobody you want to take my second name? Motherfucker What are you talking about about grow the fuck up man i'm busy i'm making as money i made jokes about how i thought it was archaic to take this uh take the man's surname and i was like but i couldn't have took her name not out of the macho bullshit just because her name's Ling and Kai Ling and some Chinese like I did that as a bit but like

I am archaic in that I'm not taking that I'd be so happy if I heard it again I don't want to change my name look this is an absolutely

toxic opinion that is about to come out of my mouth and I'm very aware that a lot of growth needs to go into it and over the next months and years oh we'll probably talk about this a year ago and said that we needed to grow and look we didn't shut the fuck up we got new listeners they don't know we're liars yet they're working their way through the back catalog they'll find out

i and i said this to like i was hanging when i was in australia i was staying uh with my very very good friend, Jean, or fame from, you know, fucking Dark and Jerks, I mentioned her and all of those. I was hanging out with her friends, and she's got very progressive, very liberal, feminist friends, and sometimes antagonising people is fun, and sometimes being honest is fun,

and I was sitting there and they were getting engaged and I said how guilty I'd felt making Cara take my second name because like watching her have to change her passport, change her driving licence, change her signature, all this stuff,

I felt like a bad man and a bad, you know, fucking feminist. But I was like, but on the record, I don't think I could shake the hand of a man who took his wife's second name hi and if you could it would be limp maybe a limp ass handshake i'm like if

your wife doesn't take your second name absolutely that's the day we fucking live in fair enough i also still think there's some romance and chivalry i do that thing where if we're walking in like a pavement on the sidewalk to the Americans on the side of traffic, I'll always walk on the traffic side because I'm insured. Because there's heaps in my world because I'm the man.

If she was there, why am I getting a bunch of fucking eyelash extensions? The unsympathy fuck. Girls that wanted to fix somebody. Is that all I get? Is this the ally you cunts wanted? Is this who he is? You see, how far did your hero worship go now,

you daft cunts? Speaking of which, just for the fucking record I don't want to talk about it yet But for the record Russell Brand is not the person Or friend X was about Like I have

Friends messaging me Just to let you know TikTok is doing TikTok detective work And they think that like Your friend who raped your other friend Was Russell Brand And by the way the most insulting thing about that TikTok is doing TikTok detective work. And they think that like your friend who raped your other friend was Russell Brand. We have now, and by the way, the most insulting thing about that

was that I would ever be friends with Russell Brand. I need to be his fan for that. It's not, it never was. I have never had any interaction with Russell outside of, I think he was on a, I think he was the judge. Ross Battle, yeah.

Where they cut all the jokes out about the things he did. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Anyway. We were at a gay wedding. I was at a gay wedding,

and I felt, I cannot fucking tell you, and this is so pathetic. I got Reese's pronouns right the whole fucking time i was i was batting a hundred man because there are they right and every other time and by the way and they've been a day for four years now so for three years in 11 months i'm like he he he he and Kyron's like they them they them

I'm like alright now you've got to call now you've got to call them missus is it this is if them are married this is

this is Nicholson this is Nicholson this is Rhys Nicholson I felt so fucking perfect Because people in the best man speeches And the stuff They were They were misgendering

Reece And I'm there being like They The best them The best them The best us I was I was batting a hundred

There Having a fucking Great time Now It was a beautiful wedding. We get there, I get to hang out with, like, fucking Nick Cody and his wife's there. And they're away from the kids for the weekend.

Like, it's their time off. So I'm like, these cunts are going to get fucking smashed. It's also because I've been going to Australia for 14, 15 years. It's all the comedians that I've known over the years. Me and Rhys are with the same agent. So it's like All of our agents are there All the real

The good fucking people Of like the past years Of my career are there I'm sat in the front row With Zoe Kumsmar And Because Knowing

Rhys has been like My oldest friend in comedy Like when I went to Sydney Comedy Festival In 2009 That's when me and him Became Then

Fuck Became friends Yeah You lasted the wedding Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

And also You did the important bit Yeah And they were a him back then That was That was back when Oh yeah Yeah yeah

They were a him back then Can you dead name someone When you're talking about them Right respectively From the From the past I don't think I don't think there's such a thing back then oh yeah yeah yeah they were him back then can you dead name someone when you're talking about them right respectively from the from the past I don't think I don't think there's such a thing

as like dead gender in someone no no not but like even dead naming if you were like if if you were talking about Bruce Jenner

in the Commonwealth Games or whatever but you were talking about when he was an athlete before she was Caitlin like nosh

in the gender politics, you're not going to have to... And then he said, pretend. Pretend. Pretend is the wrong word. Follow along with their flights of fancy. It's not even how I meant it. I meant it as like, you're not having to reinvent the past in that you're picturing caitlin jenner if you can't picture if you have such an imagination

witchcraft um you're not picturing the person they are now you're picturing the person they were like when i talk about a childhood friend and a school story i'm not like describing them as the grown-ass man they are today. They're still the boy they were then, even though their body has changed completely since that moment. I'm not pretending grown man was in the fight in school. I'm not sure the right thing. So if you say him about Reece Nicholson from 2009,

that was the rules of the game then? Yeah. It's not a game and also like Reese is Reese is just not Reese is just non-binary because I get a confusing thing with so Cassie Workman uh who is uh I've been a fan of hers for years even back when she was I was a fan of her work back when she was like this is a minefield back when she was I was a fan of her work back when she was like this is a minefield back when she was Michael Workman right and so the like one of my favourite bits of stand up and or live

sort of spoken word I've ever seen was Michael Workman's I think it was called The Troll and it was about her father his father I've no idea the politics of it I've no idea if I have to say like, it was Cassie Workman's show

or whether like saying like, I don't know. And I'm even too scared to ask her. Yeah. I'm like, you know when you were funny back when you were a man? Before you were middle spot. Is this the ally you came to see? Is this it? Is this the ally you came to see?

Is this the ally you're tuned in for? You fucking Bad ally The worst Never claimed to be one I don't think that's true I think I probably have at one point Hey hey The best politicians

Don't want to be politicians But you can refer to me As the UK comedy scene's only ally. I'm sat with Zoe Kumsma in the front row. And because I've known Reese for 15, 16 years now, and I've known them with Kyron for 98% of that, and seeing how in love they are over the years, and seeing them not be allowed to get married like see them like Really denied by the government the fucking human right to get married to each other

And I'm also set beside Zoe Zoe and Reese got pretend married at the Melbourne Fringe in like 2000 So that again pretend divorced. Yes, you did actually You gotta commit but I mean technically not if you get committed you've got to commit I mean technically not if you get divorced you've got to uncommit if you're committing to the bit Zoe's lesbian Rhys is gay

so in 2015 I'm pretty sure before the plebiscite happened in Australia they got married like a lesbian married a gay man to be like

so we can do this gay people can get married yeah so we could do this we could marry someone we're not into and you'd all be fine with this. They made a big fucking show of it. It was excellent.

Excellent. And then everybody's there, all the voters are like, yes, we all married someone we didn't want to marry. Yes. I was born in the 1930s. And it all just, just to see them finally be able to get married, the speeches are beautiful.

It's very nice. I get... I mean, all blokes catching the bouquet, though married the speeches are beautiful it's very nice I get I mean all blokes catching the bouquet though that's like it's much more competitive but they caught it on the volley

yeah they had American football gear on they had the face paint on I'm sitting there and I'm just getting I'm not bawling but I'm getting

like teary I thought you had bawling I'm not bawling you know I've got a small chain on. I'm wearing grills on the bottom row and you can't see them.

There's no bling on my sparring. It's just my very reserve. Even though I think a blinged up sparring would be the right one to wear at a gay wedding. I think they like to just call them weddings. But I was like, gay wedding. Because it was better than a regular wedding women's football

is this the ally you want no never never once chose me as an ally I just fight for all sides just hey I fight for all sides and only because I love

punching guns I just love fights whichever side the joke is on you will find me cracking the joke I'm getting teary I'm wiping my eyes

but like it's just and also me and Zoe I'm just passing whiskey to her from my

fucking hip flask over a tit flask up your chest my tit flask yeah a good... Tit flask. You tapped your chest. My tit flask. Yeah.

Well, I mean, there's no really... You can't put a hip flask on your hip in a kilt, really. Maybe on your front. I forgot me fucking sparring. Oh, no way. Aye. But then again, Australians don't know anything about fucking kilts, so nobody noticed. Nobody really, you know, cared.

Except for Rhys's dad. You knew. I knew. And Rhys's dad, Nich I knew and Rhys' dad Nicholson's Scottish name his dad's Scottish so they've got a tartan yes

in the family yeah it's Rhys the greatest and hackest Scottish wedding joke in the entire world oh really

what do you not know this oh no oh man devastated I stepped on hack it's the oldest joke in Scottish weddings which is I was talking to my workmates the other day

Telling them that my son or my daughter was getting married And they said, great, what's the tartan? I said, I don't know, but probably a white dress Nice It's like the Geordie equivalent if I went into a cake shop And said, is that a donut or a meringue? That's not just Geordie I've heard that into a cake shop and said Is that a donut or a meringue That's not just Geordie I've heard that growing up

No you're right it's a donut Oh am I wrong A meringue What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison Wash your hands in a bison Can't wash your hands in a buffalo If anything it just gets more dirty You're pissed at a buffalo if anything just gets more dirty oh you're pissed

at a buffalo for that joke you did the actions you went in with both hands I couldn't that wasn't necessarily a fist that could be a dead body

I could be like swimming he went in doing making shadow puppets doing the reverse you know one gay wedding and you're fisting

a buffalo puppets doing the reverse eh one guy wearing a fist in the buffalo why am I like this aye well so I'm getting weepy um watched the whole ceremony it's very very

beautiful and Zoe comes Mar just leans over at the end of the ceremony and I've not been

looking at her I've just been enjoying the fucking ceremony just getting dead teary and at the end of the night and I've not been looking at her I've just been enjoying the fucking ceremony and at the end of it Zoe goes, Marge went you're a little sap aren't you and I was like

at a gay wedding surely the only one that I would be allowed to get away with. I had a fucking such a good time with Zoe. She's such a funny woman.

I hung out with her for the first time in, I think it was Melbourne. It was Melbourne. Yeah, I got to chat with her because she did,

I'd worked with her before, done Leighton Live. She's done a, Dave. A character, I call her Dave. Which is, yeah.

She's just a blokey bloke right she pretends to be like an old old character I'm pretty sure she won the Melbourne Comedy Awards in like 2000

I want to say 14 or 15 for it and then when she took Dave to Edinburgh she was definitely nominated I'm not sure if she won

the award look it's great it's her playing like an old bitter middle aged comedian who hates the younger generation and thinks jokes should just be fucking jokes again

and all this stuff. And it's very very funny. The type of look that posts the meme of the comedian in the glass box at the museum and go, hey son, back in my day, this was called a comedian. They got outlawed in 2020. Oh god, that fucking shit

Fucking Joe Rogan memes And as well, the bloke who's the comedian in the artist's sketch, you can tell he's shite It's an artist's sketch and just thinking you can instantly tell, look at him like It's like that American comic that

never gets to the punchline that you talk about you know and you just go and they just think you can get up and talk and they're gonna laugh at some point

and you're like you haven't fucked it in the amount of fucking yanks that watch Bill Hicks and George Carlin and Bill Barr and Dave Chappelle

are like oh so you can just go on stage and talk and you're like you are so dumb you've missed the entire art form itself

and then because they're so dumb and missed the art form they walk off just going they just can't handle this shit yeah you can't handle it what that fucking piss piss poor observation you made um lovely gay wedding uh um you know uh food was excellent Here's the thing that I thought was absolutely fucking classy. At the end of the wedding night, they've got food out the whole fucking time. Booze is free. Excellent touch. Food was very good, a lot of it.

And I know it was good because I couldn't eat most of it. You know it's good food when I'm like, ew, good with my child's fucking palate. There's just some really nice sushi there, and you're just like, got to cook the fish. I mean, you do have to cook the fish. That's standard.

I mean, that's not sush. We've spoken about it before, and you've agreed that you are not allowed to call it sush. Daniel, I give it five years, and I thought I'd give it another whirl. It was approximately five years? Daniel I give it five years and I thought I'd give it another whirl. It was approximately five years ago. I tried it, I thought it might not have been the right time, I'll try it now. You know what I think it might have been five years actually. It was about five years ago. Well because it was when EverX was. I remember exactly where we were the first time

you said soosh because it upset me so much then. We were in Creef. We were doing previews in Creef. Yep and I apologised the minute it left my mouth Yeah And I just thought You know what I've borne the wrong decade A little 2023 I'll wheel out Sush Didn't like it then either

An hour before the end of the wedding Five years time About half nine Ten At this wedding They come out with Meatball subs Oh nice Right Uh huh Right Uh huh Yeah shout Oh my god at this wedding they come out with meatball subs oh nice right uh-huh right uh-huh yeah

shout oh my god excellent shout so like i see the meatball subs and i'm like fucking brilliant i go straight over get one start eating my meatball sub do you know the vibe i give off at a gay wedding apparently i had no idea this is who people thought i was. I'm one of the first people to get the meatball sub because I've not been eating any of the other food that I'm incapable of eating. Everyone was like, fucking typical sloths, he's got to get a meatball sub from round the corner.

He thought he just wheeled one in. Not one or two people, everyone was like, which shop did you leave to go round the corner? Everybody thought you went to Subway in the middle of a wedding. People thought, no, people didn't even say they thought I'd gone to get a kebab I'm not even there, Muck I'm just a bloke food man

Just some manly fucking bloke food and then I went, no, they've organised fucking meatball subs and then everyone flocked and then I got this just mental, because I saw so many people right, I saw so many gays right, put stuff in these meatball subs, and they're inside pockets, put an extra one, people take Just mental. Because I saw so many people, right? I saw so many gays, right? Stuffing these meatball saps inside their pockets,

putting extra... You saw one putting a foot long doing the back of his pants. This is why you weren't invited. I completely understood that. No offence taken mate I wouldn't want me there either dude Imagine

I guess good friends of mine as well Just kind of Oh no So they're hiding all these They're hiding all these They're hiding all these meatballs Like these These gays are stealing Three or four

Meatball fucking saps And I start going up To the straight people Being like fucking You see these people Who were judging me Thinking I was Getting a kebab

And they're fucking There's two ashamed They're hiding them from you Yeah Great going slosses on the pro tell them there's nothing left I'm like these people who thought I was going

to get a fucking kebab right are too ashamed like to admit that they love this but they're eating more than me they're actually being rude

and somebody went you know they're just taking the meatball subs down to the dance floor where all the gays are dancing and I'm like ah thought you were saving them for the Bremen groom man And somebody went, you know, they're just taking the meatball subs down to the dance floor where all the gays are dancing. Ah. Thought you were saving them for the Bremen groom.

Man. So, Jean was my plus one. And I was very upfront with her from day one. I'm like, you are going to hear the most homophobic stuff i have ever said in my life out loud all day as soon as we release the podcast after the wedding but right now best behavior okay i was like i've flown 24 hours from the other side of the world i'm allowed to say and also reese is my oldest friend at gomery I've known Kyron for the exact same amount of time

we see each other two to three times a year everything I've ever said like you've ran past him to make sure it's okay

can I have the pass man it's what it's what our friendship started on was just as you know saying horrible things about each other

and whatever so Jean's like okay yeah yeah yeah like I've got I'm wearing sunglasses and they're like little love hearts yeah do your dad

glasses joke on us you dare which one? your dad glasses no I didn't I was like if you fucking bit me ouch Charlie

Daniel bit me I put on these little love heart sunglasses and Jean was like those are lovely love heart sunglasses which are appropriate for the wedding I'm like they are lovely love heart sunglasses which are appropriate for the wedding i'm like they're not love hearts genes they're little bums because gays love bums

and gene just like you cannot be saying this on the wedding day i'm like what do you think me luke heggie and nick cody are going to be doing this whole way we're just going to be saying the worst shit gene gets i don't think about this Jean gets a card Because apparently you get people Who get married cards Oh yeah She writes on the card Thank you for allowing me To be Daniel's Plus one I'm so very happy

To see you two get married And I apologise For all of the homophobic things Danny will say Over the course of your day And then I just signed it with You fucking fags Love Nick Cody

It was a very good day And then I just signed it with, you fucking fags. Love Nick Cody. It was a very good day. I got really, really drunk. Not too drunk, not like disgrace myself drunk. There were people there who, I don't think anyone disgraced themselves, but like I was noticing people who were more drunk than me. And that's always a good sign. You know, when you're drunk and you can point at like four more people who are more drunk than me. Right, okay. And that's always a good sign. You know when you're drunk and you can point at like four more people

who are drunker than you? Yeah. You're like, I'm barely noticing. Yeah, because I was on one at your wedding and then I bumped into Andrew Maxwell and I was like, nah, I'm not married. There's drunk and there's Irish drunk. The way Rhys and Kyron left their wedding

was the funniest thing I've ever fucking seen. So they get married at the Enmore Theatre which is where I filmed Jigsaw and where I filmed X. It's owned by Century, the company,

our agents. And it's in Newtown? Yes. They get married on stage because fucking of course they did. If you're marrying Rhys Nicholson there's only so many options.

It's got to be performative. Oh man, you know, all the best people were like on Kyron's side, they were just like normal friends from childhood. And on the other side, it's fucking Susie Yusuf, Joel Creasy, hosted by Geraldine Hickey. Fucking great lineup. And they did the right thing. They made the non-coms go first

yeah made the things go second beautiful ceremony food everything at the end at half past ten

the recent kind of gatherers all into the dance floor they get everyone from the bar in they're all there

and they walk up on stage and they just go bye bye they're waving off we think they're about to make a fucking speech and thank us all

for fucking coming and they just fucked off backstage, bye. They're waving off. We think they're about to make a fucking speech and thank us all for fucking coming. And they just fucked off backstage. And we're like, they have like two minutes music still on being like, oh, this is funny. They're going to come out and like, you know, tell us, you know, thank us for coming or whatever. They just left. Ghosted?

No, no. Very, the opposite of ghosts. Man, they gathered us all in a room, waved, made us think it was like a joke that they were leaving and then just continued to fuck off. And that was the end of their presence at the wedding? Yep. And we were all like, yeah, okay.

This is five minutes past. Then like, what should we do now? The hosts have gone. Do I have an empty? My parents left. Well, they did the right thing. They did a similar thing. The next day at Bronte Beach,

they had a thing where I was like, okay, let's have another drinky sort of day outside. We saw a whale jump out of the ocean. Did it? Aye. Sweet. Uh-huh. That's fun.

It was. Big fucking whale. I mean, I didn't see it. Oh, come on, mate. You wouldn't just lie to us like that. But enough people saw that it was definitely there. And I saw a splash. Why would you just say that?

I saw a splash. And that's like, you know, that's like, what, 30% of a whale? I think saying you've seen a car crash because you've been in a traffic jam. I have. I drove past it real slow. Yeah, just because you see, like, the wreckage of it. You're like, yeah, saw a car crash. No, you saw the residue of a car crash.

Aye, that's fair enough. Aye, because I've actually seen a whale breach. Didn't see it jump, it breached. Its tail come up and went back down. Yeah? Where? In Cape Town. Oh.

What was it doing in the middle of town? It's on the top of Table Mountain. Like, what are you doing here? He's like, what are you doing here? I was going to say, Jodieodie I just live over there In the water Where the fuck did you get here You were like You were like

I tell you what I do feel like a fish out of water What did you just say What did you just call me No no no Is this the ally we want Aye This is the ally we want

Fucking this is the ally we want That calls a mammal Mammal a fish Huh That's what we want That's what you got Well because here's the stupid thing Once the whale Gill Jockey That's what I call a mammoth fish. Huh? That's what you want? That's what you got. Well, because here's the stupid thing.

Once the whale... Gill jockey. Scale wog. Oh, all right. Anymore? How close do we want to start to the line here? I'm done. I can assure you, you're fucking done. Plankton Pucker.

Anyway, you were saying? The whale jumped out everyone was like oh my god that was a whale so we all stood there looking because we're like surely the

surely the whale will come back up again fuck man they can hold their breath for ages I know like you and me both

that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing

that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing

that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing

that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing

that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing

that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing That's the way of the day Aye They've got that big blowhole Yeah Just fucking keep it in Let them do that When they come up I mean how long is it

How long can a whale hold It's like 30 minutes Do you reckon them coming up And doing the whole It's the same as us Coming up and going He died But they're just

Still a cooler about it I can't say It's pretty Look People keep saying Like dolphins are really intelligent and like fucking whales are really intelligent creatures. You get one of Rubik's Cube, it floats off. They live in the sea.

They're mammals that live... How fucking intelligent can you be? It's like emotional intelligence in that, isn't it, as well? Social intelligence. Yeah, like if you fuck a dolphin And don't call it back It's sad Aye

Aye You can't just Booty call it Flip that Nah Nah Like if you kill Like one of their babies

They grieve for their baby It's not like You know But like you're not Going to get much in the way Of academia out of them No Nah

Nah I reckon you could swing Comfortably A baby giraffe and the mother giraffe would just be like Do you reckon so? Yeah, it's out at that point, they've done their job innit Nah, I reckon a giraffe would still give it a bit of a neck swing at you

Get off me kid man What are you dying your nonce? What are you fiddling with me fucking giraffe for? Just because it's taller than me doesn't mean it's not just in fucking first grade How long can they hold their breath Did we find that out Average whale can hold its breath For 60 minutes

You're not an intelligent Fucking creature And how far can it swim In 60 minutes Because like it's usually there Isn't it Before it reaches 60 minutes yeah

I don't know why We were sat there for 5 minutes Being like it'll come up soon Can't say it's out of here. It's Swayze. The ghost. Oh, I see. That's what rappers say, I'm Swayze.

Just education for people when rappers like B.I.G. say, I'm Swayze. I'm out of here. I'm ghost. Not because he's dead. He was still alive. I was going to ask a second question. No, no.

He's a legit ghost now. But from the film Ghost. I see. Is that the one where where is that that fucking scene where he makes the clay pot clay pot with her

I've never seen that movie and no part of me through any of the cultural references I've ever seen make me I don't think that movie's for me nah

it's a metaphor for reach around that you know aye aye so why is he doing it I'm just making stuff up surely girls don't want a reach around that, you know. Aye. Aye. So why is he doing it? I'm just making stuff up. Surely girls don't want a reach around.

Why not? Never play them like the guitar. First of all, that'd be a double bass, right? First of all, if you give it a girl a reach around. Daniel, I know how a guitar works. Look, if you give it a girl a reach around, right, we're going to assume she's got to be sat on you You're standing up Not lying

And also a lot Not all But a lot of girls Like a little bit of A little bit of choking So that you're holding them up there And then you're Aye that's double base

If you're giving a girl a reach wrench That's double base Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye I don't think I mean I feel every time I've said I don't think girls would like this thing because I think men are more disgusting than women inherently when it comes to sex

I'm always corrected by a lot of them being like no I'd be into that I'm into that what you're talking about we're all different here's one I was saying that kind of corrected me on I'm like at a base level I think like a double base level at a base level the reason i think like men are more like gross or more sort of like

feral's the wrong word because that suggests like tearing things apart but just men will say things like to their to their partner like if they've been out for a fucking run and like i'd still absolutely go down on you right now like the smell doesn't bother me the taste doesn't fucking natalie projected her own standards of hygiene onto me all of the time when it comes to that oh can we pause sorry so like hygiene standards yeah like i and this is where i'm i'm from Man Cara could have gone Cara could have done a fucking marathon And if at the end of it she's like

Do you want to lick my arse I'd be like more than anything in the world It's gone out of the flavour It's like you don't wash a wok You might as well just give a wok a robot oil on you I'm like there's no way There's no way women feel that Being like hey don't you dare wipe that

Cheese off your knob Let's just get some fucking I tell you what though if I meet that girl These are gonna You make me want to leave the one I'm with. It's true, it's what you do. So, look. That, like, ruled our house, right?

Sitting watching a film, you're not wearing your jeans on the couch. Put your trackies on, put your jammies on. Oh, yeah, of course. Nobody's sitting on the couch watching a film with jeans on. Who's ruled? Yeah. She's like, I've still got my jeans on I'll get changed

and she fucking gets changed in front of us and I'm like fucking nice it's never not good still fancy the fucker to me wife every night

when Cara gets into bed she takes her shirt off and her tits come out and I'm always like woo and she's like there's no way you still mean that

and I'm like a hundred percent with every fiber of my... Put us on a brain scan and do that. I mean, swear to God. It's never going to... Doesn't just have to be.

Convenient, that is. No, I said, hey, and she was like, ew, you going to work all day? And I was like, if any of my mates said, hey, and she was like, ew, have you been at work all day? And I was like,

if any of my mates said, ew, it'd make you seem nice if my wife took off her jeans and square go the cunts. Aye. I was like,

you've got to be kinder yourself. You still look class. Aye. You still look unbelievable. Well, that's what I often do. Cara's image of herself is very different to my image of her. How do you think I'm more likely to be correct than she is?

If you are a woman and you are like, I would absolutely still suck my man's dick after he'd run a marathon, please do write... after he'd run a marathon please do just writing just because I'd love to know if you were there because I'm still adamant

that I'm pretty confident that I'm right I'm pretty confident that like and this isn't like oh I love the smell of a man who's like sweaty

and I love because that you can enjoy the scent of your man is one thing even the other way around like if I finished a day's graft and I just because you can enjoy the scent of your man is one thing even the other way around like if I finish the day's graft

and I just like whip my top off and I'm just rippling with sweat and all that and I crack up my diet coke and I'm just there like and she's like nice

I'll be like aye absolutely that's what I'm doing it for couldn't have been in any room of news this is for you this is what I'm putting on the show I brought the diet coke

from the kitchen I think I'm going to get out I brought the diet quote From the kitchen I think I've been at the gym All the time for fuck all This is for you So What got onto that? Hygiene Yeah

Doesn't matter does it? No No What have you been up to? I've been With hygiene. Yeah, it doesn't matter, does it? No, no. What have you been up to? I've been being an ally on this side of the globe and the other. I have been kind of like adding balance. Daniel, I talked about this briefly with Cullen,

but I didn't unpack it. I helped Natalie run a craft market. Oh, yeah, I saw this. Yeah. She had people that... Because she's been working with a lot of local businesses that make dog toys and make dog treats and harnesses and leads and that. And just a few of them were suggesting

that she'd have a perfect space for an indoor market so share ended up putting like 17 stalls on and like everybody just kind of advertises it to their own communities and we advertised it i was like loads of the customers from the dog park came a few people that had never even heard of the dog park came in and like enjoyed that it was there and took flyers and uh it was just the most wholesome day i've ever seen i've i loved it i was like that's because that's not my world you know how knitting wasn't our world but we stepped into the knitting world and found the most wholesome day I've ever seen. I loved it. Aye. I was like, that's because that's not my world. You know how knitting wasn't our world, but we stepped into the knitting world and found the most wholesome community. It's kind of like that.

It's like an extension of that. Like everybody's just got their own, like, their own creative pursuits. Aye. And they're making a bit of money off it. And the people that came in were like chuffed that it was on. They were like, thanks for putting this on. Was it a success?

Uh-huh. Aye. Yeah, it was it was like really busy a few people made like quite a lot of profit over from the stalls so like

I feel like a lot I don't know how every stall does it I can't speak for everybody but some of them were like absolutely thriving the last time they were selling cakes everybody that came in

left with cakes like she absolutely cleaned up in there like it was class and when is the next Duggan Bowen

XX Bully day yeah it's more for bookies that day it's better it's more for gambling it's like kind of

it's kind of underground like you'll find out like on the day I can't announce it now we'll get shut down yeah yeah yeah. But we're going to be dancing to Natalie.

Listen to this. Listen to Alice Scheidt. I've said it before. Alice Scheidt, I've said it. She's like, mate, different pretend that me. Wholesome dog company is going to be. But aye, we're fighting dogs.

Aye. If you don't have a chew toy available for your dog We'll just bring a smaller dog Piggy I've not been keeping too much up With the XXL bully Dog thing The only thing I have seen

Was there was A like protest of all the XXL bully owners For those internationals that don't know Bulldogs might be getting banned a like protest of all the XXL bully owners bulldogs for those internationals that don't know bulldogs might be getting banned

in the UK a very specific massive breed of bulldogs might be getting banned in the UK because they're dangerous and

they're only bred for murder and everyone even though and there's people like screaming no just go there's no such

thing as a bad dog there's only bad owners yeah yeah but it seems to attract the bad owners yeah

like it seems to be like somebody that wants a dog as a weapon seems to be getting that dog yeah it's lots it's lots of bald drug dealers and like the video i saw i'm like i'm i'm fully of the thing if there is no bad dogs that are only bad owners i have every single person at this thing i was like not only do you not get a bulldog you don't get a chihuahua, you don't get a fucking poodle. You are just, if this is how you are as a person.

Have you ever had just a small dog just tell you off or nip you or whatever? My brother had a little chihuahua, and it was like a rescue. I didn't think it was a rescue. I don't know. It had anxiety issues, and it didn't like being petted. And I struck the one time, and I was like, he's warning and the dog's growling like proper heckles up because I'm petting the dog and then like it went for us I got away but I could have been bitten by that little dog if that's a big fuck off dog that's different that you can get away with like a little snap from a little dog you're not a little snap from a big dog you have to You're not getting a little snap from a big dog. You have to have that trained so well.

The only... Never, never, ever once mouth. The only fucking place I've ever seen fucking bulldogs is in fucking Fife, and they've always been owned by the scummiest fucking cunts I've ever seen in my fucking life. I remember being like 15 or 16 years old down Leven fucking beach, and me and my friends,

it's one of the very rare sunny days in fucking Fife we're on the beach playing with a fucking ball and this fucking bulldog off the lead comes over and tears our ball apart

and these two disgusting chaps who from the bottom of my heart I hope are dead from a heroin overdose by now which they probably are we're like

well that's what you fucking get for teasing him and winding up by kicking a ball and we're like on a beach aye like what are you fucking talking like I have

if you're a bulldog owner and you disagree with me feel free to send it in but I have zero sympathy for any of the people I've seen so far and I'm happy to be corrected but at the moment I hope you lose your dogs

there is that thing where the people who are just, like, really well-trained and a good dog who are getting caught in the crossfire with these dickheads. Very unfair, yeah. It's really unfair. What's going to happen to their dog? Because you've got to look at it like that. Like, you know, if all of a sudden there was just, like,

for whatever reason, Cavapoo started fucking going for every cunt, all the babies, and they're just blanket-bound cavapoos. Like, Peggy's my family member. I've got to fucking say goodbye to Peggy. What do I hand her over? Do I ship her out? Do I find her a home in a country where she's allowed? Does she get put down when she's perfectly healthy

and well-behaved? That's a good point. Like, there's people out there whose dogs, like, might just be compromised. Their family members are going to be compromised because some fucking stupid nerd in Fife is not controlling their dog. Yeah, but also that's the fucking gun control debate.

Like, if there are bad bastards out there who cannot go a fucking day without shooting other people in the fucking head. So we need a good guy with an XL bully. We need a good guy with an XL bully. Yeah. Okay, and the teachers have to have excel bullies yes yeah yeah yeah at the front of the fucking classroom the police definitely need excel

bullies yeah yeah right so so what we need is more excel bullies across the board it's like jim jeffries had a bit where he was like we have as a society we have to go as fast as our slowest member in order to fucking you know progress and get better and you know it's man you know what you've been a very good point there i imagine the people that have gone out there and rescued bullies and trained them to be better or have had bullies since birth and because you're a careful and considerate and loving dog owner you probably do have a dog that's really well fucking trained i'm sorry you're caught in the crossfire of it but they're the AR-15 of dogs.

You're carrying a weapon. We have to put a ban on fucking the smaller bears. Aye. That's a tough one. And you know what? Fair enough. If you want to come for the Maine Coons take them. Take the Maine Coons. Aye.

Because they're vicious cats. They're not vicious cats. They're just terrorists in their thickest pig shit. We found, this is a slight pivot, but I mean, it's a massive pivot. But we found a specialist on the subject of Edinburgh Airport. That's willing to come on the podcast. And he'll be listening to the podcast right now, actually. He's a pilot.

Oh. So there's a pilot. Oh. So there's a pilot that wants to give with the inside scoop. Oh, and did he, was there any inclination of whether he thought

I was being harsh? Nah, he's on side and he can't wait for the expose. Oh. Oh, man,

because I got in fucking yesterday and like, I, poor Cara, had to deal with me for an hour just fucking texting her being like, it's been an hour. It's been an hour.

And they were like, and Edinburgh Airport does this thing where they're like, baggage on its way and it's not on its way. They just know that after 20 minutes of waiting for a bag, people are getting annoyed

and instead of doing their jobs, they can just flick a switch that lets people know it's on the way and they're still doing fuck all and turn the belt on now it comes on they're just phases of like just give them something so yeah there's a pilot that wants to come on

fuck yeah well we'll do that when we're in the new studio and then we'll get it done we'll get set up in there and then as soon as we've got like the guest coach that is wonderful wonderful fucking and then we'll get it done. I was like, we'll get set up in there and then as soon as we've got like the, Oh man, I would love, as soon as we've got the guest coach, we'll get it on.

That is wonderful, wonderful fucking news. Uh-huh. So if there's any XL body owners, Yeah. who've actually like fucking got a fight on their hands because you're about to lose a family member because of some dickheads,

like fucking we'll, Aye, let us know. Aye, let us know. Look, I am always, I'm not always happy to be proven wrong but in fact i don't think i've ever been happy to be wrong but later on after being proven wrong i'm happy we will take we will take the things you said when you were right and use

them as what own stuff yeah so in the future i'll be right because i'll have your opinion and we'll forget that any of it happened yeah yeah so if you want to come on and correct us By all means fucking write in and let us know Because We accept that we are often If not I don't think we're mostly wrong I think if we ever just get like a fucking passionate one-sided opinion

Where we're just echo-chained by each other We should give them a right to reply Yeah yeah yeah So if you think no no no no no no if you think russell brandt is innocent i've no doubt that two years ago you believed in q anon what's this fucking panorama one Going to be on BBC You've got the Inside scoop on that You grass There's a panorama Panorama coming out Next week

Is there Aye Panorama's the BBC Version of Version of dispatchers And they've went like Fucking Not telling you

Until it comes out Well look Here's the fucking thing There's You know There's There's other people on In the entertainment industry

Who we know The fucking names of. Everyone knows the fucking names of them. And they've got to come out until they're dead. I would be very, very shocked if BBC had the fucking balls to go after the person. I think it would be considering they absolutely... We're going to cut this. Elliot Steele.

It's Elliot Steele. Oh, that'll be interesting. Aye. sell it still oh oh that'll be interesting aye huh there's like already like rumours and speculation about who it is and hey and that's always fun

and always very healthy to the conversation and good because like that's when like the smoke around other small fires Oh, yeah, that's like coming up good. Is it definitely like no, but you know, tell me more. Uh-huh also like the fucking there the the the sweat that cup pours off of people and it's like people see a panorama or doing an expose and a comedian and people like and

Do we know who it is? Like, and for what reasons? I tell you what, when Russell Brand released a video getting ahead of the documentary saying that these wild accusations were going to come out and stuff, like, I was like,

it would be so funny if it wasn't him. If it was just someone else who's just saying, eh, no, it's nothing. Nothing at all. I was like, what? wasn't him if it was just someone else he was just there going eh no it's nothing nothing I saw there's going to be a

panorama is it this weekend I'm not entirely sure when it's on but that can do

as a wee google math you when panorama is on and also this we'll delete

this out if it doesn't happen, but it's currently happening. The BBC interviewed Natalie in the dog park. BBC Scotland come into the dog park because they wanted to do a piece about... Matt, if that's the panorama. Woman who owns dog park also married to guy

who continuously makes jokes about dog fighting in the dog park. Is it true hiding in plain sight now so it's going out on Friday at half past six on BBC Scotland

so here's the interesting so if it hasn't went out because like Natalie just replied to them let's hope

that some politician doesn't disgrace themselves and take over the news and push my news story

out the window and they just laughed and replied what's the chance that that'll happen politicians never fuck up so there is

that chance that like even though it's recorded and it's in the can it's not going to go out there's still

the chance it'll get bumped so like if that does happen I'll delete this bit. If that doesn't happen and you're hearing this, then go on iPlayer, BBC Scotland. I should find you the name of the show, but whatever, it's a tap by six on a Friday. I think it's the news.

9pm on Monday. 9pm on Monday. Which means, so there's really, I don't know if this law exists all around the world or whether it is a British law, but it is the law of right to reply, which is if you are doing a documentary about something or even with a fucking article or whatever, talking about someone, the person you are writing or doing anything about has a right to reply. That's how Russell Brown was aware that the documentary was coming out days before because they gave him the opportunity to speak about it. So, if it's coming out on Monday,

I think, I think the rule is it's got to be like three days before maybe. I don't know. See who starts sweating on Friday. So anyway, there's got to be some allegations coming out of this. Look, even if they are true.

Even if they are true Even if they are true Whoops I don't know what more you want from me Whoopsie daisy Booty wooty Also, I'm very aware people Want us to talk about the Brandt documentary More at one point in the future I will talk about it brand documentary more at one point in the future i will talk about it in much more detail now is not the time i do not feel i don't want to myself talk

about it i don't feel comfortable talking about it now i still have a lot of uh unprocessed emotions about what has happened since uh and and you know hey the doors opened and there's been female comedians who are in the whatsapp groups and stuff talking about

the whatsapp groups and that's whose time it is to talk 100% you know what I mean listen this is on mainstream

not on like a fucking back channel podcast like I was this is on mainstream like they're talking now listen to them aye

and and and ignore all the homophobia and misogyny at the start of this podcast, would you? Aye. We could not put it out but we're still going to. Yeah, before we put this out we actually said it to Rhys and Kyra and three days ago

we gave them the right to reply. So I've been doing the craft market. I've been doing the craft market I've been Have I seen you since I got back from Milan? I have haven't I? Yes Yeah yeah yeah And also you've been doing a lot of work

On the studio The studio's nearly ready We're going to actually move in It's ready to move in now Apart from a couple of technical things I need a different camera lens. I am also. I don't want to date until it's fully ready.

Yes. We could have done this one in there. We've got enough tech in there now, but I'd rather just go full ready. And to long-term listeners of this podcast, this is the thing that we've been promising you for ages, where we're finally putting all of the money into it to making it better. And we're going to try and increase the quality of this

podcast not just in sense of how it looks but also with like the online clips and also with the content you and i are going to do stuff to sort of try and make it just a bit more accessible i'm we're both very aware that when we're drunk and stoned that our accents get in the way of our Indian listenerships, our European listenerships Anyway, I would say the Newcastle No, for some reason Aussies never, the Aussies are the only

fucking nation in the world apart from Scotland and England. Do not give a shit about either of our accents and also just to give the Americans perspectives, Indians complain fucking less than you do. And it's because Indians try to look, I don't know why I'm yelling at you,

you listen to the podcast if you're American, you're not part of the problem. We will be. We'll also be getting, because this is the thing with the guests we've had in, because the little camera angle that you say has been the only clean part of the studio and the rest of it's been like a gym and a crack den and all that stuff

so we've only invited our friends who we can face the shame with yeah so all my guests that have come in have been like good friends of ours but there was uh i can't remember who was there's a comedian passed through town i was like grab them while they're here was it mark normand uh mark normand uh oh burbiggs was here yeah big big yes i i never met babiglia and i was like well if you're chatting to him get him on the pod he was like well can i invite him yeah like wait until the studio's nice yeah so like now that it's nice when like fucking stanhope travels through we can ask him like we're gonna we're gonna we can we can quite confidently ask him to come around and step into gonna we can we can quite confidently ask him

to come around and step into a studio yeah but also i would say like i think the tone of no i don't think the tone of the podcast will change i just think with the step up in quality we are both going to endeavor to be sort of more understandable and sort of i think we might lose some of the more drunker episodes we might lose some of the more drunker episodes, we might lose some of the ones where it's just us ranting about shit I'll just label them as that so you know what you're getting. Aye, but we're trying to, look youse have been here through everything so we're in no danger of losing any of you

fucking psychopaths, but we're trying to bring in more, so don't see it as fucking pandering and don't see it as selling out, right, it is it is that but don't see it as that out, right? It is. It is that. But don't see it as that. Just ignore the fact that it is that.

I've been working on something which will hopefully be wrapped up in the next... I'm excited for that as well. We're clickbaiting you here, but we have to because we can't mention it yet. Yeah, yeah. And then also for the first episodes back on, I've got... for the fucking rebrand

because I think it will be semi-rebrand. I think it will still be Sloss and Humphries on the road. Yeah, uh-huh. And we'll have to keep the same logo because there's a patron in Australia who's got it tattooed on the flesh. How funny would it be to just change the logo?

But if we ever do change the logo, we'll pay for your new tattoo. If you'd like, just every time we rebrand, you can just add it on your arm i think isn't it yeah i'm not sure um i remember i came up after the live podcast well with ari yeah and she came and showed well no she'd also been in she was also at the uh other one the the original melbourne live podcast with Bart and Nick Cody upstairs at the Expo. So, yeah, at the moment, it's lost and obvious on the road. We're still having the same logo and stuff,

but we've just got like a whole new setup and we're going to stop numbering the episodes. So you don't feel like you have to catch up on fucking 7,000 episodes to be up to speed. We'll just title them. And hopefully this becomes a podcast that you are less ashamed to recommend to your friends one that you're not really embarrassed to listen to and then also like encourage those of you are not patreons to come and be patreons because the quality is going to go up we're going to start doing the fucking you know the american thing the have a word thing of you know having Patreon specials and stuff and just make sure that we're increasing the quality of this

as we go on because after, what, seven, eight years of this fucking shit, you deserve it. The world changed around we. You know,

we were just peddling away with a little podcast here, just not even making money off it, just doing it for the sport. Yeah. And then everybody just changed the game and just made we look like trash. One of the other things is Matthew.

Thank them. One of Matthew's duty is going to be to keep a tally or a track of what stories we've told on the podcast. And if we ever go to tell them again, just be like, they know. They know. They are aware.

It's been done. It's been done. We'll put them out as clips. Also, I was chatting to Matthew about this on the drive here. We're going to start a Discord so the patrons can get a, they can have a community and we can hear what they're saying. We'll have a complaints department that we're going to laugh at. Oh, great.

We'll let them have a right to reply. They can tell us when we need to finish a story. They can tell us when we've fucked something up. Good. Or we've made a mistake in what we're talking about we're gonna give a platform

a forum like for them to talk and we can read shit out if we have to we can reply to it because I'm gonna be honest the amount of times in the past

where we've set up the fucking podcast email and been like well why don't you write us with your queries nobody does because like

fair enough none of you want to talk to us really hopefully that changes we did get a couple when we were asking for people that wanted that relationship advice But nobody does because, fair enough, none of you want to talk to us really. Hopefully that changes. We did get a couple when we were asking for people that wanted relationship advice. A bunch of them came in.

We unpacked a few of them. We did them for a while. But we didn't keep pushing that medium. But yeah, we'll figure out Discord. Matthew's on it. But we're going to have that sorted. Because I have no idea how Discord works I have

I'm a bit of a boomer when it comes to Discord I tried it with Twitch and I was so glad that they all operated and I could dive in because I

could see the channels like and I could go in and see the chats but like I didn't I don't know what every button is no no

that's all this but we'll figure it out it's like it's like Reddit I think but with talking to each other No. There you go, that's all this. But we'll figure it out. It's like Reddit, I think, but with talking to each other. It's a closed forum, Reddit. Is it? Yeah. Yeah?

All right, so we'll get you all involved in that. And if you listen to this, because this is a public episode, if you listen to this on any of the public channels, come on and subscribe, man. Come on, come and subscribe to Patreon. Get your extra episode, get your early access on these ones. And it's about to get good.

It's about to get better. And if you join now, that'll be the first time you've heard it and it will be true and you'll not know what big fucking liars we've been for seven years. And there is actually an archive of fucking, even though they're like amateur shot, there's some fucking really funny episodes out there.

And I think that could be one of the channels on the Discord as people recommending which episodes. If you're new to the podcast, there's 300 episodes in the back catalogue. Amsterdam one. I can't listen to Amsterdam one. Come back with your hair out, stood up, and your eyes peeled back like fucking you've got PTSD

like you've been a norm back when we had the decency to end a podcast 45 minutes in because we knew we were too fucked

as opposed to letting it run for 90 minutes at least we have a spliff break and come back fun so there's that there's that there's also like in the back catalogue you've got come back fun so

there's that there's also like in the back catalogue you've got my best man speech at your wedding and the roast

of Daniel Sloss there's a couple of little special features in there if you sign up now you can go and get them also if you don't mind

really unsubtle thinly failed racism I think we might be putting up my best man speech I'm happy for it I'll need to re-watch it again because

there's a my memory of it is getting booed three times. It's not as bad as you think the racism. No but it is. It is racism yeah yeah it's only racist because he The racism. No. But it is. It is racism. Yeah. Duh.

It's only racist because he married one of them. Ah. She was gay. I like how he says was as if he cured her. Not cured. Not cured. Not cured. Not cured.

They're not hams. Cut.