Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.6: And Seen

Episode Date: November 9, 2022

Cream points his rants in several directions, left hand people, the clocks going back, people born on leap years. NO ONE IS SAFE. Muggins has been collecting soft play items from Facebook market place, for dogs.

Hello motherfuckers, welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Thank you very much for tuning in to our admittedly subpar podcast. But the banter is sometimes much higher than that. But let's be honest, it's hit or miss at this point. You're in here for the fucking long haul. This is a particularly good episode and I say that with confidence because I had half a bottle of wine and a pint during it and I think i was on

pretty good form to be honest with you um i well we ranted about left-handed people um we we ranted about left-handed people and uh daylight saving times and look here's just a little This isn't a fucking trigger warning This is just an explanation Sometimes When I have opinions I have opinions aggressively Because I think it's funny To very

Very Strongly have an opinion About something Which is very unimportant At least in your head And I've realised That sometimes To our newer listeners

That might come across as me being genuinely angry please for the love of fucking god take every rant I have with a pinch of salt and four fingers of whiskey because that's what it took me to get to them I just rant about shit we speak about Kai's doggy park and vapes

and I mean it's just a good episode. I laughed fucking heaps and only slurred my words about three or four times. So, you know, to whoever does the subtitles, thank you for your hard work and you're still not being paid.

Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha!

They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia.

Where have you been since 9-11? I've just been listening to your podcast. Cullen. Oh. I mean, I've been listening to our podcast, but I wasn't on it. Oh, yeah. I get it.

I see why people listen to it. Oh, was it good? You know what? It's like, it's mildly entertaining. You're not learning anything anything it takes no brain power it takes absolutely zero brain power I'm like oh great I just get to idle my brain

brain chewing my brain is idling and you know what the fucking the drive I'm normally talking to Matthew it's a bit it's a bit

I listen to whatever I listen to what I listen to it's good stuff you should know oh yeah me and Matthew always listen to stuff you should know

on the journey and eh it fucking I'm trying to tune into it and like sometimes my brain tunes out and I tune back in I'm fucking lost

I'm like pausing and asking Matthew what it said because those podcasts if you don't listen for four minutes you've missed 50 years of history two minutes of a pseudoscience explanation in order to get people

up to speed with the article they're currently talking about man you could you could smash your headphones while listening to this podcast let it continue to play go buy a new set of headphones sync up to your phone join in 45 minutes later and be like ah I've missed nothing missed I've missed nothing

you could be working on a building site and then you fucking take an angle grinder out of a bit of metal or something and then once you've finished cutting through

the steel girder you'll be like ah right it's just it's a goddamn thing are you not going to rewind what you said there Sloss just called a bunch of people psychopaths

for no reason it's a treat for yourself isn't it even just like a bar of chocolate or something what nourishment did you get out of that, what nutrition no, but was it nice I feel good you know what, I think chocolate bar's too generous because there's some real nice flavour to there

and it can be filling I think candy fl are too generous because, you know, there's some real nice flavour to there and it can't be filling. I think candy fluffs. Stick a rock. When you pay attention to it, you're like, mmm, yummy. But you can, like, you're not full after candy fluffs. Yeah, you just have to give yourself a bit of a, ooh. That's a good question. You know how, like, you remember back in like 1999

the greatest book of all time was the Guinness Book of World Records that was like if it was in your school library all you did go look at the long-nailed bitch go look at all the come with the tattoos

go find out like what's the furthest somebody ever threw a hedgehog that's how I knew Alan Nash was the tour wrestling champion was he? and then he retired the other week

and weirdly fucking you know how Marlena just occasionally just shares random shit with you that she thinks you'll like right no no no no Marlena will uh despite having been witnessed the process of me writing 10 shows Marlena see me oh you know all of my shows Marlena has seen me write 12 shows She knows my fucking process Is it's whatever in my head

That's what I'll fucking do She will still Just send random funny articles Being like This could be a good bit of material And I'm like She's trying to stimulate Yeah

I'm like I appreciate what you're doing I get it But it's just It's like a zookeeper Going Are the pand's not doing anything no no I've brought my two kids along with me give me give me two seconds

and just jamming a thumb up the panda's eyes did he did he do something he looked he looked vaguely annoyed so so I should like I find I find it really endearing I find it quite I'll always read the articles it's always funny

but there's no part of me that goes I'm going to turn this into material she sent me one the other day again I don't want you to miss this

and it was a picture of C3PO with a Solero that's what it's called isn't it the umbrella that keeps you at the sun I could when you said Solero, that's what it's called, isn't it, the umbrella that keeps you in the sun? I could,

when you said Solero, Lollipop. Orange ice cream with mango through the middle, that's what Solero is to me. Yeah, you know, like when one fucking waiting for that sandwich shop

with the world's best sandwich in Nashville. Yes. And they give you umbrellas to keep with the sun when you're going to burn up. It was just C-3PO one of them,

but like, which is like a funny picture right see free people trying to keep cool in the desert right the actor

trying to fucking stay like he's fucking he's in loads of gear he's in the desert he's trying to keep cool it's a funny picture

but with just in case you missed this I don't want you to miss it I think it was I don't want you to miss it it's cute as fuck like you see it's adorable it always comes you to miss it it's cute as fuck it's adorable it always comes

from a good place it's adorable which is just randomly the other day I emailed Alan Nash the tour wrestling champion

of like 18 time tour wrestling world champion fucking retires finally and I remember finally

all the other tour wrestling champs are there finally we got a shot we got a shot there. Finally, we got a shot. We got a shot at the toe ring. We got a shot at the ankle bracelet that we've all wanted to fight for

for so many years. Gives everyone else a chance, you know what I mean? I think we're getting into the game now. But I remember, because I kept a diary at the time and I remember the diary being... This was... I must have been...

Hold on. Not driving yet. Just started... I'm going to say I was like 16, 17 years old Hold on, I've just thought of a shit joke we'll cram it in Jose Alto Thanks mate Rain was so long

and Jose Alto Yeah, that would have been good as a quip but you're not like enter that in when he says and then it's you're not like clearing the table for it

guys like you should have threw that in and then accepted the one chuckle off like the person that heard it a good podcast

would have come up with that instantly and that's when it becomes those fucking viral clips so I remember I remember my diary being funny

because I was trying to make myself laugh when I was writing it I remember writing remember my diary being funny because I was trying to make myself laugh when I was writing it I remember writing something about pulling a lass and she was like she wasn't massive

but she wasn't tiny and it was like she was like somewhere between the size of a normal human and like a vehicle but like I would put like

drones and pictures in and it was just fucking ridiculous shit like that and I remember I had no idea what to write one particular day

and I was like the only thing that stood out was this day was just this Alan Nash guy just cutting around just fucking ridiculous shit like that, right? And I remember I had no way to write one particular day, and I was like, the only thing that stood out was the day I was just, this Alan Nash guy, just cutting around, just fucking wrestling people with his feet. I was suddenly thinking, get this book of world records, and I had a bit of my page to fill,

so I drew a fortune, a fucking big toe with a crown on it, right? I wish I fucking kept this, I honestly wish I'd kept this diary, right? Because it would have been so fucking, like,

equal parts, like, funny and creative mixed with cringe as fuck I remember I started like dating a lass and she would like come run to me who's since there and that and just the thought of finding me witty little

journal to myself was mortifying one of the apparently the best steps for your mental health because you know i go through as anyone who's listened to this podcast for any longer than five years i'll go through phases of self-improvement and then i'll get like 50 of the way there and be like done like i'm out the all good i'm gonna keep the diary going when I'm cool That's the bit That always fucking

Also with fucking addiction You're meant to keep it like an addiction diary Of what it feels like fucking every day And I'm just like I cannot be honest with my thoughts In a book only to me Just from the pure Fucking fear

That one day somebody finds it Like whether it's Cara, whether it's you Whether it's fucking whatever and they're just like today was a really difficult day and I'm like I'm going to kill myself right now I'm going to break my neck on the fucking spot You should always write

a diary to the person that finds it and that's what I think I was doing If Anne Frank was alive today, she'd be mortified Imagine we brought Anne Frank back from today, she'd be mortified. Imagine we brought Anne Frank back from the dead and we're like, hey, hey, welcome back. By the way, we beat the Nazis, not early enough for you.

But you know what, since then, we actually got some of those, and this is going to sting a bit, we used some of the Nazi scientists. We let them come to America and they actually were able to bring you back so we forgive them because they brought you back and they're here to say sorry but after the but we know about the lad

that was in your annex that year that you were swooning over the whole time why do you know that your diary is one of the

all time greatest sellers aye what everything ever thought not only that we've turned it into a play aye no we've took it into a play Aye

No! We've took There's a museum Yeah We've put pages of it on the wall Yeah Justin Bieber signed it And look

I know you're upset now But when I explain to you Who Justin Bieber is You are Because I'm going to be Anne You're probably a fan That's what he wrote down

He wrote I reckon she would have been a believer Everyone get dead sad. I'm just here to let you know that in the current day, your idol has read your fucking diary. Oh, she just killed herself. We wasted all that science.

And we even found the page where he put a big thing to Alan Nash, the tour wrestling champion, because he had nothing to write that day, because nothing particularly happened. So it was like, in my head, was that I wrote, like, I hadn't thought of Alan Nash

since I was 17, and then I had an email saying that he'd retired. I was like, man, you blink, don't you? You blink and life passes you by. You went out and got a pedicure in his honour. I just couldn't help myself though, I just started wrestling the punch out of Davey Nails. I got some

lasses on by in her back with me foot and just tapping out in that. And is there anything else I can do for you there at the end of this pedicure, Mr Humphreys? You got any gold there? I'd call out Conor McGregor. Can you just paint on a wee old crown at the top of my My left toe because Wait, hold on

Do you know how your left hand is? This might be a stupid question That's such a funny fixation you've got at the moment, I love it You know how your left hand is? Yeah, I deserve to die Yeah, I'd take the penalty we live for. I fully 100%, and this isn't a joke, I mean this sincerely, fully agree with the 1500 opinion that anyone who is left-handed is a witch or some sort of devil worshippers bond

and needs to be killed. Because it's just so gross. It's such a dumb thing. If you're a normal person, and I don't mind using the word normal here because normal people are right-handed. There's, it's most of us. It's most of us. So I'm absolutely well, I would never, never in front of a disabled person call myself

normal, but in front of you fucking freaks. Yes. Here's the line in the fucking sand you have found your 2022 safe space for your xenophobia

comedy unleashed over here you're like fuck man I can't even go after gingers these days and you're like

fucking lefties I'll get them you're like alright the tide's going to go out on us in 10 years time people are going to look back at the

things I said but I think how is it not just 50-50 because it's not natural because it's

against because Satan's touch on this world isn't enough to get all of it he's only able to corrupt

like 10% of people and those 10% you're Christians about the gays you're just dated opinion but like you're just like you're just dated

opinion but like you're doing like a dated opinion about like other marginalised groups and doing it about a

marginalised group you can get away with it they're not marginalised they should be marginalised it's fucking

disgusting why should we have to make separate scissors for you freaks right we don't care don't then

I just I know I can give a fuck I'd struggle with scissors you ever We don't care. We don't care. Don't then. I just. I know. I couldn't give a fuck. I'm struggling with scissors. Nigs. Do you ever, do you ever,

do you ever hand a pen to someone? They take it with their left hand. Put their left hand around right hand pens. You don't get. Oh, you smudge all over. You smudge all over. It's against God. Like, okay. Left handed Japanese people.

Fine. And in the same vein. Does that mean right-handed Japanese people are scum of the earth scum of the earth scum of the earth right here's what's in my camps

left-handed Westerners and right-handed Easterners get them all in the summits what he's doing what he's doing it'll be like Pakistan and India

when the Muslims will go in one way we get we get all the left-handers from the left from the. We get all the left-handers from the left, from the west. We get all the right-handers from the east, and we just put them in big, let's not call them concentration camps, but they're camps of a sort where there's a lack of food. And what we do is we just let them all jerk each other off to see if it straightens up all their cocks.

I just think it'd be an interesting experiment. Like, you know, if you're a gay right-handed man in a relationship, right, and you've been wanking your entire life, and then you get into a relationship with your boyfriend or your husband who's left-handed, does that take the bend out of your cock? Maybe. You know how people say that

If you wank with your left hand It feels like someone else is doing it You'd be like Oh, someone left-handed though Cut! Snap your knuckles back over Say uncle! Say uncle!

So that's your commonly occurring rant About left handed people But I really want you to rant about Clocks going back please Because I'm on board with you with this one And I just want the catharsism of I just think it's one of those It's

You know how annoying it is to Go to a petrol station And then while you're filling... I mean, I don't know this because I own a Tesla, but I remember. When you're in a petrol station and you're filling up your car with petrol, you're bored because sometimes that takes like fucking two minutes

or what feels like five hours. So you just go on your phone to catch up on the internet because you've not been on your phone because you've been driving your fucking car. So this is one of the few five minute breaks we can check your phone and doesn't always happen very rarely happens but occasionally you've got jobs worth in there who left it fucking fourth year and didn't pay attention in any of the previous yeah the time i come on get off your phone and you're like not not until you in a

fucking diagram explain to me what you think fucking happens because there's nothing there is absolutely fucking nothing I can do on this phone that will cause an explosion in here because you know like a few seconds ago I had a motor running a spark plug fire

and a petrol the car that I've just got rid of you sell lighters I could buy a lighter from your fucking petrol station and walk to my car and you'd be like that's going to kill him

one day you're like maybe today as if your phone's only fucking zinging wifi or 3G or whatever the fuck

your phone's getting even just basic signals as if that's not happening in your pocket it's Christian science as if you're having your hand on it is what makes it

fucking fire to life it's still there mate do you want us to chuck it over the fence? It's still in my pocket doing its thing. It's Christian science. It's I know I know this thing involves science and I can't explain the science so therefore

the science is dangerous because I can't explain it. That means nobody can explain it. And that's what it is and that's the same problem that comes out every time there's fucking vaccines. It's the, and that's the problem whenever we talk about the environmental issues.

People who do not understand science read these 3,000 paid peer reviewed documents and go, well, I don't understand any of that. So it must be dangerous. Or they'll find words that they do see in there and they're like, well, that there says exponential energy and I know that

means fire so so if a phone creates and it's none of it's fucking logical for some how many parts per million it has to be in the air for it to be flammable even with an open flame

it would be ridiculous for your phone'd be able to taste it before it's a bunch of cunts that watched Zoolander

right you remember the famous bit in fucking Zoolander where he lost all his friends because they all spray each other

with petrol and then one of them lights a cigarette that is the only reason why people it's the same reason why people are scared

of nuclear power because in the opening of The Simpsons it looks dangerous, and there was a three-eyed fish in that episode. And now none of us are allowed to use nuclear energy because a bunch of dumb cunts were swayed by the common opinion of the dumb fucking masses. And nothing epitomises this more than this 500-year-old fucking tradition

that stopped making sense at minimum a hundred fucking years ago which is the clocks go forward and go back fuck off fuck off fuck off what are you what are you fucking doing

even farmers are against it aye because it fucks up cows if you're running up the farmers man collecting data here

farm well no no no I'm doing I'm doing a cull in here I scrolled I scrolled past an article that said daylight savings confuse then? I'm like hey, that makes my opinion valid because I saw it in the wild from somebody else. It fucks up the cows routines fam. I'm just going to join in with it. I just don't fucking understand how as a farm, like don't get me wrong, I think it would be wrong for the government to come in at any point and say,

I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, I'm going to do that. I don't know what the hell they're doing. I don't know what the hell they're doing. I don't know what the hell they're doing. I don't know what the hell they're doing. I don't know what the hell they're doing. I don't know what the hell they're doing. I don't know what the hell they're doing. I don't know what the hell they're doing I just don't fucking understand how as a fuck, like, don't get me wrong, I think it would be wrong for the government

to come in at any point and just be like, by the way, we're just making a blanket rule for everyone because that's not how government should work. It would be awful if the government just came around and they're like, by the way, we take it back, the gays aren't allowed to be married. I would be up in arms about that. I'd be like, no, no,

you don't get to fucking supersede us and go above that and take away this very important thing to part of the tapestry of the fabric of fucking society. But man, see if Nigel Farage was the fucking prime minister of this country, which is very likely considering what is everything wrong with this country. if his first thing was daylight savings is gone I would be like what other policies you got give him a couple

more weeks man but it's him that'll fucking kick off a bit it's the same people that want a crown on the pint glass or a blue passport it's these

people that are like fucking like don't change it like we like the thing that we had when we were little when things were nice before I got ground down

by the world can you look or Matthew you might know since you're smarter than I am what is the actual fucking point

in daylight savings time because it could we just like agree on like a meat in the middle just half an hour one day we'll just

one autumn we'll just put it back 45 minutes maybe you just have to wake up earlier if you're a farmer. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Winters are difficult. I didn't realise that.

I didn't realise what half an hour was. I said half an hour, 45 minutes. It was meant to turn the clock ahead with warmer weather and back again with colder weather to prolong the amount of time people can spend outside during daylight hours. But it doesn't feel like that. And I feel like

the second we invented fire, that that should have been gone. The second lanterns were invented, the second torches were invented, the second we had methods of seeing in the fucking dark, fuck off! Aye. And also, what daylight during winter? Also also do you know

how many ovens I have you gotta change them I got four ovens right it's not four ovens I got I got I got

I got I got two ovens I got two fucking microwaves all of them don't have a clock no yeah they do and you gotta change every fucking one of them

I guess they do I don't care what farmers have to go through it does not compare to me having to manually change

four clocks and my car that's not true the Tesla's automatic but man the fucking I remember like what all that

caused you'd have like you'd have like one button and you're like I think what I've got to do is like dip the clutch

and then like wind the window while pressing that twice and then that'll the window down while pressing that twice. And then that'll start flashing. Then when that starts flashing, you've got to put the white bus on at the same time as the indicator. It was the awful system of to get the clock to go forward, you had to wind the window anti-clockwise. If you had to go backwards, you had to wind it that way. It was a real nightmare.

I spent all the window down. Didn't know how to put it back up. I wouldn't have done it. Didn't know how to put it back up. I wouldn't have had the time. But I tell you what, when I drove past those non-tired farmers, I was like, this is worth it. Sacrifice.

Sacrifice I was willing to make. Like, because part of me with it, like, because I hate daylight savings so much. I'm like, is this me being a middle-class fucking piece of shit and going,

aren't there farmers out there who go, you know what, this really does make a difference to our fucking life and this is typical fucking city boy it mildly inconveniences him but it massively benefits their side because people in the city don't know what it's like to live out

in the country and that's why, I don't know what the term for the fucking voting is but that's why farming lands in America, even though it's got less population than cities, still have the same level of vote because, you know, that's such an important part of the country that keeps the country running

because it produces the fucking food and that's why Republicans get votes from all the fucking places in America. I'm rambling. I'm drunk. But is it this? Is this me being fucking sheltered? Is this me going This thing mildly fucking inconveniences me

And it's actually huge I just don't see it I just don't fucking see it It just seems utterly pointless And also Leave your ass can fuck off Just let the seasons change Just let the seasons gradually change

Big class just one time We're going to fucking summer Christmas No Do it every ten years That's every four No no seasons gradually change big class just one time we're going to fucking summer Christmas no do it do it every 10 years that's every four no no I'm telling you

do the fucking clocks forward and fall back every fucking 10 years and be like guys we lost it Wednesday and everyone's like

what you're like we we we we we we

we we we we we we we we

we we we we we we we we

we we we we we we we we

we we we we we we we we

we we we we we we we we

we we we we we we we we we we the years so we've just and also we didn't count the fucking the leap years we didn't do that so it's been 25 years since the last leap year

I'm just telling you we all lost a Wednesday it went from fucking Friday sorry it went from Tuesday the 5th of February 2067

to Thursday this I just we miss Wednesday it's the worst day of the week who gives a fuck we're cancelling it out

but then I think this is going to fry my brain I think you're sending it the wrong way there because you meant to add a day but you're technically out I'm not here to implement the I'm not here

to to tell you how the problem's fixed I'm just here to yell at the problem until the people above me fix it right you've got a friend that's

birthed as an Olympia, 29th of February, right? Hypothetically. Oh, right, okay. It's Cara. Oh, no, no, no. It's Cara, right? No, no, no. Because here's the thing.

When you were like, you've got a friend who is birthed in Olympia, I'm like, but I've already got three left-handed friends. I can't have any more abomination. That's a two left-handed out for one of you. Only one of these left-handed is going to survive. If your birthday is on the 29th of fucking February,

grow the fuck up. No, it's not. It's on the 1st of March and you fucking know that. You're not special. You just can't count and you're so desperate for fucking individuality. You fucking boo

I was born on a magical day that only exists every four years fuck off you first of March pieces of fuck You know what you don't get fucking birthday. You don't get fucking birthday. You know what you You know what now that you're 18 you are actually only four years old. You don't get to drink You don't get to fucking drive you don't get to bowl your lass is a fucking nuns mate she goes straight to fucking jail sucked off a

seven year old none of it I'm not having it leap yes can fuck off clock scan back can fuck off fuck off left handers

can fuck off I'm out of here and vapeers can fuck off. I'm out of here. And vape-ass can fuck off. Oh, God. Oh, yes, we can. I hate the news already. I didn't think at any point,

because here was the good thing about cigarettes, right, is cigarettes taste like shit. They don't taste, except for the minis, but even minis, they just taste good for cigarettes. They're finite. You light it, you smoke it, you pull it out. Cigarettes taste like fucking shit, but they give you a rush, they make you feel good,

they objectively make you cool. They give you a moment of contemplation. They give you an excuse to get the fuck out of there. Just offer a smoke, body a jab. Bye. The punctuate life. Sitting down with a fucking menthol cigarette and a coffee after a breakfast on a fucking balcony somewhere is all the times in my life where I was like,

I have 100% fucking made it. But you get to a point where you go i know this is bad for me i don't live in the time when doctors were like it cures cancer and you're like thank you doctor oh what a well-earned stethoscope you have thank you for this boy is it wonderful to be alive in the 50s we live in the time where doctors like it's fucking bad for you and and then it became sort of easy to not smoke the The amount of times, you know how Jean's got a quote book? Mm-hmm.

My favourite thing that, well, one of my many favourite things that she's done. Jean, whenever we were just all together having laughs as friends, whenever there's

something... She kept minutes? She kept minutes. If something particularly funny happened, she would just take a note on her phone and then when she had

free time to herself in her own little diary, she would write down all the funny things that she or her friends had said. Like a little script. Like a little script. Hi, Daniel, Gene.

And some of the things are just three lines. Some of the things are just quotes. Some things are like five or seven bits of dialogue. Sometimes it's just like an out of context, just something that you said. That is a combination of words. It's fun. Every single fucking year that I'm with Gene,

we get these quote books out and we sit there and we laugh because we go, I do remember that. That was the night we did this we all fucking laugh we all lose our fucking uh shit why did i start this rant because uh that's smoking there was something about smoking in there oh yeah so in jeans in jeans quote book right there was a quote from me at 21 or 22 years old which was one of the fringes where I'd just taken up smoking. I think you and me and Jimmy had come back from Adelaide

and during that festival, I'd taken up smoking menthol cigarettes again. And Jean had said to me, you're going to find it hard to quit smoking. And the quote is, anyone that can't quit cigarettes

is a fucking pussy. Here's how easy it is. Every time you want a cigarette, don't. Every time you want a cigarette, that's it. And that was my fucking start. And I, don't. Every time you want a cigarette, that's it. And that was my fucking start. And I tell you what,

when I was 22 years old, that fucking worked because I didn't smoke between 22 and 25 until we went to Vegas again. I started to really enjoy it. You could smoke in restaurants and stuff. It's so fucking hard though.

You cannot, you cannot give up flavoured cancer, man. Because this is what happens to me, right? I get back from, we've just been over to Ireland, right? Get back from Ireland, I'm back home,

I'm touchy for a day or two, I'm off the vapes because I'm just like, any time you get one of them urges that you wanted, just say no to yourself, right? And I'm like driving up here and I'm like,

oh, Danny's probably going to be vaping when I get there. You just need to fucking pass it up. It's like, he's not going to offer it, so just fucking just watch it, let it go on. As soon as I saw you on the vape,

I was like, because you're a vape man. I was like, I suck a dick. I got these cheeseburgers man i need to be like i need a restraining order for vapes to fucking stop us hitting them this new fucking thing now don't get me wrong i'm so glad i'm ashamed of myself but these new fucking like elf bar these disposable flavoured vapes are so dangerous

on a thousand different fucking levels and the fact that these are the worst thing for the environment at a time when we're like

we need to clean man you cannot turn Crayolas into cherry flavoured smoke machines right you've just got adults like me grown adults walking around being like have you got any You cannot turn Crayolas into cherry-flavoured smoke machines, right? You've just got adults like me, grown adults,

walking around being like, have you got any Crayolas on you? I got blue, green or red. Oh, I fancy red today. And adults who drive cars and pay taxes just sit smoking these tiny, like just a bunch of crayon fucking chewers, like we're in the lowest ranks of the fucking army,

just like, mm-mm. And then we get rid of it in the bin, and it's not in the bin with everything else. These are going lowest ranks of the fucking army just like like and then we get rid of it in the bin and it's not it's in the bin with everything else these are going to go into the fucking ocean i think i mean you and me have spoken about this extensively matthew these vapes i fucking promise you will be illegal in the uk in under a year we're gonna laugh about it like no no we're gonna laugh but then it's gonna be a black market india's gonna get it man like like all the all these countries that don't have the same rules the landfill of the no no i just couldn't be with a billion people i mean i mean in the sense the one thing i've learned from my mother doing our mother doing all of the uh work with environmental stuff around the world, which is it does not matter

what you impose on first world countries and what, like, we've got to this level of understanding and we understand that coal's dangerous and oil's dangerous. So we're going to encourage, like in Scotland, if you buy an electric car,

half the price for getting the charger installed in your car is there. There's funds to pay for you to have it will give you money for truly in the way But unless anybody follows the fuck man and yes You fucking implement the same fucking shit in the poorest countries in the world You're changing nothing in the world that and that's the problem there as well is and I hate to sound like I always sound like a fucking Lefty liberal piece of shit, But until the world's united, nothing will change because when the first world do something,

after 10 years, it might bleed down into the second world countries and then maybe after 70 years might get to the third world countries. So even if Scotland bans these, which they will within the next fucking seven or eight months because Scotland's kind of got its finger on the pulse and we're like,

hold on, hold on. People buy four batteries a day, smoke them, and then throw them in the regular bin and they're like, that's unsustainable. But you'll always, man,

when we were in Switzerland, what did you do? I bought minties. You bought minties. Because you're allowed to buy minties. Because you're allowed to buy minties. I bought a fucking sleeve of the cunt. We've never bought a carton of cigarettes in our fucking life.

That's for scumbags. But the second it's illegal somewhere, illegal somewhere else, you're like, well, I'm obviously going to do this. That's admitting you're never going to quit if you're buying sleeves of cigarettes because you can save a couple of quid. You always think your next pack of cigarettes is your last one.

You're always in a constant perpetual state of quitting if you're buying cigarettes for future you en masse on a superficial level the worst thing

for me about vaping is that if you're vaping and one of your mates comes out and lights an actual cigarette what are you doing

isn't that nice I don't know but I bet it looked cool it looked cool it looked like the worst the worst early onset midlife crisis

I've ever seen to the listeners you multi-vaped aye aye and if there's any other if there's any other bad boys or girls

out there that want to hang out after school aye I If there's any other Bad boys or girls out there That want to hang out After school Aye I know how to ride Aye But boys and girls You only did two

Rookie numbers Matthew give them yours Triple up Triple up I've done five before It's a joke Yeah we're fucking wild On this podcast

This thing And there's a lot of podcasts Any of them doing this For the OCD people I'll change the colour order so it looks aesthetically pleasing there we go

fucking play the pan pipes get a decent head rush if you do multiple that's right look at this family family family

I've only done it once he's got a good seven or eight nicotine patches up his arm this cunt I remember so very specifically when my mum discovered my weed stash when i was about 17 years old because she's cool and she did the right thing she didn't yell she wasn't upset she did think of just being like hey what's

this and i was like it's weird to smoke weed to because i's this and i was like swedes i smoke weed too because i smoke weeds and she was like okay i don't necessarily agree with it but just to let you know i think you should be careful because addiction runs in this family right addiction it's not bad addiction i don't have we don't have any family members that are heroin addicts but mom's side of the family are boozers and not bad boozers because but man they can hide it yeah yeah functional fucking boozers can put it away and i remember being like addiction runs in this family and i'm like i'm i'm stronger than that here you are sneaking away from your wife and kid into a little shed to multi-vape. Man, I can hear Cara's pussy dry up

every time I vape. And that's really noisy when that happens. Well, first of all, the echo. It's like a strongest wind past a pile of leaves. And I just can't, it's so

fucking disgraceful to me because this is where I understand like, look, the government shouldn't be

fucking stopping us to do things. Here's where my, here's where my hypocrisy a hundred percent lies. I think the

government should make all drugs legal because the war on drugs is over and it's not going to be

fucking mandatory I think everyone should have a can of all of them

first year of high school you could try wheat it's like you've got to let

I mean I'll get a letter in the post going I've got to go and try mushrooms 12th of November and your dad's

opening his mail people are like god I hope we got to go together oh no you we get to go together oh no you've got you've got to go do mushrooms with that neighbour you hate

and she's like fucking hate Karen she comes back four days later fucking love Karen mate Karen's moving in well I say that

we're all moving together at a commune it's a commune doors are opening I think the government should make drugs fully legal and they should be tax open. I think the government should make drugs fully legal and they should be taxed because I think,

why lose all this money? It's a massive revenue stream that isn't being taxed. We should be enjoying that. Scotland could have independence comfortably in my never studied economics in my entire life opinion, but have read three articles on what Colorado did with the legislation on marijuana. Scotland could become a full independent country

if the first thing they did was when marijuana is legal. Dispensary. Dispensary. Oh, man, the tourism. The tourism. Man, you'd fucking be good at this. You haven't thought this through to its conclusion, the amount of English people that would come to Scotland.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Because the thing, with all the money it brings in, we can build a really high wall. We can just cut it off. We can build extra airports. I can't get Newcastle games because of the weed. Fuck's sake, man.

You get down to Berwick and there's just one guy in a speedboat being like, I'll take you around the wall. But I heard they built it 50 feet into the sea. Aye, they did. And they put a wave machine at the end of it because they're bastards.

You know what I... I think the government should make marijuana 100... all drugs legal, should be taxed, should be fucking controlled, should be done in the same way that we do with alcohol. You're not going to stop people taking drugs that they want to take. If you want people to stop taking drugs, make their quality of life better. That's the same way that we do with alcohol you're not going to stop people taking drugs that they want to if you want people to stop taking drugs make their quality of life better that's the only way to do that and using the tax from the drug revenue to improve

the quality of life of people by sinking it into the bottom area of the system might be the one attempt that we've not done to end addiction and drug use i think the government should do that but i also think the government should just be like these are all banned and we're like but why because you're all smoking colored paints and just to let you all know it's dangerous it's pathetic like you lads people used to smoke tar they used to smoke fucking dried leaves. And you're out there smoking coca fucking cola. You don't get to enjoy cancer. You're taking in syrup.

Yeah. Mate, I hate that. I was trying to say before, if you're having a vape, and one of your mates just pulls you a deck of cigarettes and has a cigarette with you, it just shows you up. I'll just be there with my vape can

should just commit to smoking if I've got a day to day properly it doesn't have to be this fucking half-assed Jack the other day to me because all I do is buy the because I'm part of the fucking problem I buy the disposable ones and Jack goes you know they do refillable ones now and I'm like yeah but I'm

not committing to it it's like you've been on them for three months yeah but if i buy the replaceable ones i'll just you know i'll be on them all the time whereas i'm gonna give these up the day after tomorrow and that's also true tomorrow and every other day after that quick on monday because the amount of nicotine in this compared to it i i don't know if this is true but the rumors are that like one of these is like four packs of cigarettes

compared like nicotine wise not damage to your body but nicotine so giving up these compared to giving up cigarettes

it's nonsense when it's like oh there's 600 puffs in this and then like a day later it's fucking flashing and there's no coming fruit

and I'm like did I fuck have I just been breathing on it like a second lung have you read the box on an elf bar it says like if you're using this as an alternative to smoking take like 15 to 20 puffs instead of a normal cigarette oh get to fuck you can't do that this is i mean this is like the tobacco to be fair anybody's just having 15 puffs of a fucking Elk bar The tobacco industry Is like the war industry

Where they're like Alright you ended the war here Okay now we're moving Into defence Like we're gonna find a way To still do the thing We're doing Because

And I just think That the government Should at one point Be like Right Use our old dicks And all you've done For 70 to 100 years

Is do dicky things Whatever your next plan is No We want to build a dog shelter No Right Because I know that's good But I know there's going to be

Some fucking evil in there Like what are you doing In that fucking dog shelter That Marlboro Why is there a Marlboro Dogs and cats home And what is in there

Marlboro Speaking of Dogs and cats home? And what is in there? Speaking of dogs and cats homes. Oh, here we go. I found me in. I went to Doggy Daycare to chat to the owners about the foot. And just be like, just to let you know, turf war started. I went to Yappy Days.

That's what it's called, Yappy Days. It's a good one, isn't it? It's a good one. I don't think it's as good as something I once Days So it's called Yappy Days It's a good one isn't it It's a good one I don't think it's as good As something I once But it's good It's not one we had Jared Christmas

Texted us before Saying the dog's frolics It's a good one isn't it That is good And Danny Mac Texted us Saying Paws in doors

Yeah it's more sweet Tells you what it is Yeah I don't like the innuendo ones as much as i like the like wholesome ones dog frolics it is i mean it's good isn't it um so anyway i went to the happy days all the puns are taken man like you're fucking you get a good point you google it there's one fucking dog walker or something anyway i digress uh i got in and she had them like on the indoor bit and they had the outdoor bit with AstroTurf, right,

and she opened the door and 16 dogs went out and they're like fucking mad to greet you. So they fucking come up, right, some big dogs, some red set, that was like a fucking, I think there was a staffie in the mix and that. I still kind of... Mad with your definition of a big dog is based on your dog. A staffie turned up? No, but that was one of the smaller ones,

but you look at that and go, oh, right. I hope you're one of the good ones. You know what? I've got a bit of, it's mad that I'm going into this fucking trade considering I've got a bit of an aversion to dogs that are off leads

and that approach you because I grew up in a fucking council estate. They weren't all cool. Some of their owners were dicks. Sometimes they'd be behind a fence and fucking barking, like they're going to kill you and then one day you see a fucking white estate they weren't all cool some of their owners were dicks right sometimes they'd be behind a fence and fucking barking like they're gonna kill you and then one day you see a fucking whacking on the street i remember you shat yourself so there's a these 16 dogs that i've never met before i haven't fucking equated with like come up and jump up with us but because i've spent my last like fucking year or two in the company of a dog i'm loving them i'm fucking stroking them

and all that right but if they want to do us they can do us and then one of them bit us not like hard it was woofing away I wasn't giving it any attention and then like it took a little tug

at me trues as no hard it didn't like but I did a little nip right on the thing and just give it a little bit of squirt

with a bottle of water just go and behave yourself I was just like man imagine they're just moulders imagine I'm on a fucking

Facebook and we're going to open this place for dogs to play and all that right and then I got a dog

shelter doggy daycare the CCTV footage is you walking into the sea of dogs like Moses

trying to part them and then they just overwhelm you and they all go away and then there's just a skeleton wearing Jordans.

Aye, I was just talking and one of them just ripped my throat out. Aye, so it was quite funny. I've spent the day just going around people's places picking up all the disused soft play stuff for the kids to use for dogs. Picked up a ball pit on the way here. Yeah, explain this to me. I'm going to use the ball pit to fill it with sand. Right. Now, when you say ball pit.

It's shaped like a turtle, big turtle. Had to put the seats in my car to get in the car. Put that in. We'll pick it up. Put it on its back so it couldn't escape. I should have done that. I'll be happy doing the street fight now. Damn. What a thought, lad.

I went to a coffee shop and picked up a sink. Eh? We were getting rid of that sink. God, you really are throwing the kitchen sink at us. And scene. But like, as seen on WhatsApp. And scene. Two blue takes.

And scene. Caius Taitman Message doesn't come through That's From now on That's how I'm using And scene Whenever somebody Does a joke

That doesn't land I'm going to be like And Scene Two blue ticks And ghosted I like that a lot Look

Not Look I'm excited To see Whatever the fuck happens With this adventure That you're on We'll visit the coffee guy

But Just And this isn't me Trying to add My negativity To Me Asking some questions

Poke some holes in it So we can paper over them Your big thing is that and I agree with you 100% on this is that with this business adventure especially with the start

that you shouldn't be the phrase we've been using is Natalie shouldn't be west jetting it and what that means is years ago we all went on holiday to hawaii and no expenses spared apart from the expense that was spared yeah it was like i was like hey netflix specials just come out i was a very we've just done a massive tour and it was like i'm gonna pay for i'm all all expensive i'm gonna pay for a villa fucking hawaii we're all gonna go there and we're all going to fucking hang out.

Me and Cara. Get yourself there. We're going to be here then. Yeah. We flew out fucking Premier Economy. Natalie's brother came out. Matt and Amir came out. Soppa was there.

Yeah, yeah. Well, he wasn't there because he was part of Natalie's plans, which was, ooh, we can save 75 pence if we add 19 hours to the trip and three separate stops. Go via a completely different country. Yeah, because Natalie's a bargain hunter, which is, again, it's not a negative thing. It's the exact type of person that you need in your relationship.

The reason I'm so glad that Cara is the frugal person she is is because I'm the type of dick that will go, hey, just to let you know, I'm suddenly into Jordans. By the way, I've spent a grand on shoes. And she's like, I could have probably phoned you then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good that we have those people. But I agree that Natalie can't waste you on this

because at the start, with what this business is, is you want it to be fucking Instagrammable. It's got to be a good space for the people. you're not just dropping your dogs off and the dogs don't care of stuff like tatty dogs don't give a fuck about the aesthetic no they just take a fuck about the toys and the nourishment but the people that are going to get more people into the business are the ones that are taking these middle class people that love their dogs so much that they're being like look at the fun my dog had today at this place, hanging out with all his fucking friends. I'm fully with you on you cannot fucking scrimp. So can you explain to me again why you bought a two foot by three foot sandpit

from Facebook marketplace? Because the items are going to be very disposable because dogs chew shit, right? So something that's done for a kid, right? Something that's done for a kid. It might even be pristine, but the kid just doesn't play with it anymore and will need space, right? So you just get these secondhand things

that are perfectly good for a dog. Like it's perfectly dog. This was in somebody's house for a bit. The kid got bored of it and now it's kind of gone up in the loft. So like we'll just give it away for free on Facebook Marketplace. So now you've got this, like, in good nick,

kids soft play item that's going to get chewed up and probably replaced after three or four weeks. Okay, that's great. So you've just got a disposable turnover. There's going to be just a family cycle of soft play stuff, and it'll be stuff that, like, kids use, kids get bored of, get put on Facebook Marketplace, end up at my place, get chewed to fuck, and then end up in landfill.

Yeah. So it's just like a second. We're online, so just do that again, but say recycled at the end. Okay, right. We're going to, we're going to tech the kids shit.

We're going to get a dog to chew it up and then we're going to put it in the fucking blue bin. Yeah. Blue bin? That's the recycle bin I mean. That does cardboard actually I mean, so. It's green where we're going to put it in the fucking blue bin. Yeah. Blue bin? That's the recycle bin I mean. That does cardboard actually on mine. It's green where we're from.

Green does plastic in my gaff. Blue's glass? How the other half does that? No, you put the glass in with the plastic in my gaff. Eh? Aye. Plastic and glass? Plastic and glass.

How does the magnet get them? Metal as well. There you go. Just going to answer your question. Middle of Glasgow doesn't even do recycling. Oh, yeah. Like, at all. I heard that.

You can only get rid of glass bottles, everything else. By fucking yeeting it out of a hut. No, like, legit. Our entire building of 25 flats, you only have a general waste bin and a glass bin. I haven't figured it out. I live south. God, see, this is why Edinburgh's better.

You think it's better? I don't think it's better. You didn't even have fucking bin men for over six weeks doing the fridge. Aye. Aye. I remember there was a time when we were... So, head on, would you have went to fucking Henley's World of Toys to get the fucking

sandpit for the dogs? No, no, I think where I was coming from was more if there's going to be a fucking, because in my head you want it to be the most in-scramble place like I feel like the sandpit turtle would just stand out there and just clearly be a

kid's sandpit toy there. Whereas in my head, I'm like, why not just have like, you know, and this is why it's wrong. But like a Sandy section, dig a hole in the floor. It's your own. Where does your jurisdiction in this thing? Just bring in a fucking, what do you call them? Fucking vibrate and jump up and do a jackhammer.

Oh, pogo stick. Pogo stick. Bring in a pogo stick you call them fucking vibrating jump up and do jackhammer oh pogo stick pogo stick bring in a pogo stick sharp in the end of it bite down on a vibrator turn it on to max and then you know get some sand

fill the hole we'll have even stuff like you know get some sand fill the hole em we'll have even stuff like we'll get tires and fill it with like pine coals stuff for the stuff we'll run down

there's gonna just be loads of like shit like a day we'll make it look nice are you gonna have a little slalom poles aye

are you gonna have like you know how have you ever been on one of those em it's normally like rock climbing places, right? So you can climb all the walls, but then the top of the rock climbing place is the chance for you to climb on things in the air.

So you're attached to a harness from something and you go on a sort of... A zip line. Yeah, like a zip line, but then you climb. Here's my thing. Let's say you have a zip line in the roof of the thing, but you connect it up to like a scale electrics thing and then just have that attached

to a dangly bit with like a fake cat on the end that just runs around constantly. Yeah. Just because I think the best thing for all these dogs is to learn that they can catch and kill cats at the end.

I wish I let them catch a cat for once. Just corner them. One thing I don't think this is probably, I've got to be careful not to be too boring with this, right? Well, I guess you can't do too much to the place because it would be a shame if you lost your deposit. Deposit? Deposit.

Deposit. Ah, that's it. Deposit. And scene. deposit deposit deposit deposit and scene I made a spreadsheet of the ceiling eh you know the ceiling

suspended ceilings they've got the tiles in mate I don't know I don't know if this is just me or if this is anybody right but you know when they've got the lights

and the lights and the lights on the fucking suspended ceiling so mostly it's just a panel and then it's a light and then it's a panel and then what's happened

is they haven't been able to put the light in there because this is a sprinkler so they've just put the light in there like a booktube and then it fucks up the entire fucking part fucking hate it

yep I'm looking up at the ceiling going oh I can see what you did you need a light there but you fucked it up because of the sprinkler. Mate, I went on the spreadsheet.

I changed all the fucking cells to the shape of the tiles, right? Some of them... Hold on. I know exactly where you've got... You got this from knitting. That's how I made my knitting patterns. I made a fucking knitting pattern.

Who knew that this knowledge would have come so far into the fuck... I remember you sitting on a train... I could knit that ceiling. I swear to God, I could knit that ceiling. I've wrote the code to knit the ceiling. Because I drew the Mario. Because if you put the pixels in,

if you make them square and put the pixels in for Mario and then knit it to really squat Mario, but if you put it into an Excel spreadsheet and you fucking stretch the cells proportionally and then you knit, then it's a fucking right squat Mario. But if you put it into an Excel spreadsheet and you fucking stretch the cells proportionally and then you knit, then it's a fucking right size Mario. Anyway, I did this with the ceiling tiles and I put them in.

And so then anything that couldn't be used, I just blocked out as like black on the white tiles and I made the pattern that goes through with the lights. So that when you look up, it's a white ceiling with fucking patterned lights that work in the right pattern the OCD person

inside me and the people out there with actual OCD thank you greatly because that is like the devil's in the detail man

whenever whenever you see little things that don't match a pattern out there there's always one part of my brain that goes

there's something secret in there my brain that goes there's something secret in there because this is a computer game like that thing stands out so noticeably that it's important

to the quest that I'm on you can interact with it yeah yeah yeah and you know when people come in with their dogs

being like there are a bunch of treats out there no I don't know why would there be why is that a place if I jump up with that and hit it with my head does a coin come out and the Aye No I don't know why would there be Why is that a place If I jump up with that And hit it with my head

Does a coin come out And the next thing you know You're doing first aid or something So aye That's why I did a bit of that the day Oh good Aye My day

We took Caelan swimming And then He must be like Michael Phelps You call my son an American cunt Thorpe Thorpe pedo And scene This never happens

So there's times when look I'm not going to fucking lie Cara does I'm almost done Cara does not she does most of the parenting technically in the sense that if somebody does

55% of something and you do 45% of something even though it's almost 50-50 somebody definitely does more than that I definitely fucking contribute. I'm here for most of the fucking, most of the time during the year. When I am here, I'm there all day,

except for certain evenings when I'm away gigging and then it's asleep. I'm really present in my child's life. But despite how much effort I put in, doesn't reduce how much, obviously, effort the mother puts in in comparison with, you know, there's times when he wakes up in the night

that I can go through and try and get him to sleep and there's sometimes don't worry you're tired bitch come on

I haven't had any coffee are you getting there you don't even drink coffee you might as well yeah and if you were to drink coffee it'd go into your boob and he'd be up all night

so don't have any go through there tired and miserable and while you're in there could you put the the baby monitor on mute just so I can't hear you

crying on yeah trying to smother it with a pillow last night yeah yeah yeah because I thought it was you I didn't realise you'd got up I thought you were just

singing lullabies next to us yes bitch so I thought you were just singing lullabies next to us. Yes, bitch. So, like, during the day and stuff, like, Karen's been ill for the past two weeks. She's just not horrendously ill, but just not at 100%. So anytime I can, I'm just like, hey, I'll take him out on a walk. And that's not a hard job.

I stick him in a fucking pram. I stick him on the Wheel pram i stick on the wheel of time audiobook i walk around for about an hour he falls asleep 15 minutes into the thing because i'm so boring and it gives him a nap it gives her time to nap and then we you know co-parent for the rest of the day but there's times when i can see how tired she is uh and she needs time off that i'll go and take kaylen away to give her a break now she doesn't do this with me because I don't need it because my breaks are touring

my breaks are the full sleeps I get through in the night yeah this podcast yeah there's so many and man and I go

I'm like I like going to golf you play golf I'm like hey do you mind if I go out on the fucking peloton for a half an hour there's so many times

where I take breaks when I can't you're just in here vaping god you are out of breath You must have Yeah you're not sweating No no I'm tired

But I'm not weak Only left handed people sweat So there's There's And even Even during the day When Caelan naps Like he naps

Because This isn't a kid That just goes to sleep for a nap. He needs to be sort of put on the poop, laid down, Carol play music, get him to sleep. And during that time,

Carol does kind of have to just sit near him so that he can smell her. My point is she does way more. I never ask for any fucking free time or anything like that because... Yeah, free time is dictated. But also why would I? I can see what she's doing

and I'm not willing to do any less than I'm doing because I know I am doing less. Today, though, she's like, oh, I'm going to take Cailin to see my friend. And for three hours today today for the first time and like it's different when it's in your own house

like she took him out for fucking three hours and I was like you've never had the house yourself you had it empty I had it fucking empty and I was like

what do I do I put the porn on the big telly and it's there fucking right where your left hand feels like I'm doing it and Cullen

Cullen waxing Cullen's away as well so normally so normally if Cara if she's away with Caelan for like an hour in the day me and Cullen

will just play FIFA Cullen wasn't here today so I'm like it's genuinely it does me so I ended up working out that I'm just a boring adult

because all I fucking did was I was like do you know what really needs and I've been saying this mentally in my head for a month now I'm like

the second I actually get a free a month now, I'm like, the second I actually get a free hour and a half, I'm going to go through my closet, find the stuff that I don't wear, and donate that, also just so I can buy new clothes, because you know when you go through your cupboard. I hate it, mate.

And you're looking for clothes. I got through all the shit I don't wear until I find one item that I will wear. That you do wear. Aye. And I'm just like, I'm done with that experience i wanted to go in and be like oh i wear this i wear this so some stuff is just made to cut did it i haven't seen that before did you get it right we'll give it one last whirl little trail shift turns turns out that it turns out that i had a one day drawer like literally like clearly i bought some stuff being like oh that looks nice but because because my clothes were never organized

there's nothing i could match it with because it'd be like my clothes are just in there cara cara does the laundry and uh she doesn't fold them because why the fuck would she fold them she's doing the laundry and raising a child but I'm not fucking folding them either so when she gets down, folds away her stuff puts it away and when she's not looking I tip all the clothes she washed into

my drawer and I'm like, closed drawer closed drawer. Today I was like I'm going to become a fucking man I'm going to go through this, sift through all the stuff went through I found, you know how I only ever wear the same shirt on stage? Levi's trousers, Levi's black shirt.

That's just it. I could tell what year the tour was from by how grey the black shirts and jeans were. Like just so faded because when they're new, they're black. Oh, so you've like worn them for multiple tours, the same shirt? And the same trousers.

But there's ones where I'm like, I clearly bought these ones a year ago for the last one because they're still kind of black. But I've clearly also kept these ones here because let's be honest, they stretch out more than the other ones because they've been through four tours with me. But they're so faded.

They've got fucking holes in them. Man, I have a great great day I also, a sad moment in my life listen to my audiobook, I'm on the last book of Wheel of Time, I'm on book 14 of my reread of Wheel of Time there's one chapter in it which is, on an audiobook is

12 hours long and on a Kindle this one chapter is 8 hours long it's the last battle, as you can tell it's a big fucking chapter I'm folding my clothes, I'm putting them away I'm organising them into colour I'm just in a fucking bit of bliss

I know I'm not subjecting character to anything I can do this at whatever rate I want to do and the audio narrator goes chapter 37 the last battle and I went I can do this at whatever rate I want to do And the audio narrator goes Chapter 37 The last battle And I went Silently

To myself You chewed like a train While you were folding clothes But I think I stopped folding I went Man I got properly fucking buzzing full and close but I think I stopped folding I went oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

I got properly fucking buzzing I was so excited and then she goes back Caelan hasn't fucking slept my parents came around because we've not seen them and they obviously

like seeing their grandkids the reason I wanted to bring this up is just if there are any, this is one of the only true bits of advice I have for parents out there. I don't, or I try to avoid offering advice

because there's a thousand ways to do it right, and there's a thousand ways to do it wrong. And just because you think a certain way is right doesn't mean the other way is wrong. Said the man that rallied against home births. But there's, like I'm trying to be better be better being like just like people do it the way that they want to fucking do it but the best bit of non-offensive advice that i can give to new parents two months before your first child is born organized to go out with your parents for a

meal and organized to go out with your in For a meal and organised to go out with Your in-laws for a meal And say goodbye to them Just say goodbye to who they were Just mentally in your head Just go this is the Last time I'm the important one

This is the last Time this relationship Is ever going to exist In that format. Because I'm playing in the championship next season. I'm going to be watching that Premier League team that I spawned. Man, you'd fucking think. I love how much my parents love my son.

I love how much Cara's parents love him. When we're away on tour Cara will go up to Aberdeen to visit her family just so she's not alone just so her fucking family can see the crew

because they're all the way up there it's easier for my parents to see Caelan than it is for her parents to see but every time she's with her parents

I'm like send me photos not of Caelan but of your parents with Caelan because I want to see that like nothing is it's so fulfilling to see the people

you love love you it's I can't it's indescribable levels of just deep deep deep rooted fucking joy but that also used to be for me laughter

laughter laughter laughter laughter that also used to be for me. And you'll just... You're going to have to get over that, like... You get over it quick because you're feeling so much better. But it's something you don't think about. Yeah, you don't realise.

You didn't know you were saying goodbye to that. I didn't know. I didn't know by bringing my child to the world that when my parents walked through the door... They'd look past you? No, they wouldn't even look back. Pile my face away. Like, unless I'm holding Caelan,

they won't make eye contact with me. And it's good. Like, what it grows into is absolutely worth it. But I think it's just very important for expecting parents to just... Because it's so funny. You would have felt that if you grew up with Blythe and you come home with a Chinese or a pizza or something. We get trained for that.

Come in with a bag of cans. And scene. I mean, that is a good place to actually end it I think we've hit the error mark as well yep I'm excited for

this weekend god how much better is this tour we're on week 6 of the tour

and it doesn't feel 6 weeks in it feels like we're right at the very start like what a it doesn't feel like we've been touring

for 6 weeks no no because because I've spent most of it at home Trying to test our pots of paint On the world We worked so hard for so many years And toured so consistently For like two thirds, three quarters of the years

For the past ten years So that when, at least for me I was like the second I become a dad I'm grafting hard So that the second that real life starts I can slow the second I become a dad I'm grafting hard So that the second that real life starts I can slow the fuck down And you know slammed on the brakes In terms of what the fucking tour is

But my fucking god What a different type of tour it is It's great It's so good man I'm so excited for We've got a little something We're doing Tartu We're doing Tallinn

we're doing Riga we're doing Vilnius Vilnius Kaunas? No Kaunas Oh we're doing five or we're doing four

Saturday to Tuesday Great and then we'll come back come back there's a tune match on then we'll get to Manchester Yeah yeah yeah and

yeah like it's like it's still That's the biggest chunk of gigs that we'll have done yeah five days in a week and then we'll have

like three weeks off oh no we did the Germany was ten days in a row I mean since the start of this tour oh yes that was

that was from the last year sorry it will pick back up like obviously we're like we're enjoying this bit like we will end up

going away for six weeks and stuff to Australia and bits and bobs there will be bits of territories where you kind of just pop in and you've got a day nice

but like as regards for this bit we've had fucking we've been doing it with our slippers on it's been class it's been so good and I think it shows as well

with not just our performances but like how like we're cracking when we're going out with people afterwards we're not that good it's not a game face

you're actually having a good time I was thinking about this the other day where was it I think it was Germany but you might be able to correct me where was it on the fucking X tour where we did that podcast where I didn't speak for like the first 15

minutes and then it was just me fell out with us no no I remember that one that was at the end that was with the same seats you were putting that to bed this at the end that was with the I'm in the same seat yeah yeah yeah you were putting that to bed this was the X tour it was the one where

I was just so very clearly at the end of my fucking tether with still three months to go I remember that podcast sitting in that hotel room because you're like we have to fucking release the podcast

and it was the last thing I wanted to do because the last thing I wanted any of our listeners to experience was to see how you were really feeling yeah which was me

some of these people like I'm saying this podcast one thing is like it's just brain chewing gum another thing is like they've lived my life before like marriages fucking breakdowns the fucking works so it's like Stockholm syndrome that authenticity is like they've been through that before

that's why I would Taking them on the road Like they're getting To come on this Fucking peculiar life Aye The juxtaposition To that feeling of I don't want to talk

About any of the Six countries That we've been to In the past seven days And any of the Great gigs we had Because all I can tell you is I don't want to do this job anymore

I'm very very sad to going to God I'm excited to go into it I'm interested because because Caelan's getting so much more every day he becomes better which is an amazing thing to consider since the previous day he was perfect

and the next day he's sort of something I'm going to miss bits of that but i'm also part of me is like excited about missing him in a way if that makes sense like i think it's um i don't think that's something that cara would ever relate to i think that's a specifically dad thing there which is you man it's nice to miss someone it's nice to you don't get to have the feeling of being reunited if you don't go away man when I come back

from fucking tour whether it's from a fucking day or whether it's from fucking four days or ten or whatever when he sees me at that fucking door

and his face fucking lights up I'm like regardless of how sad I was for the past four days this is yeah the feeling of like

what you're going back to is just so much better you're not just going back like you're fucking like imagine you're just coming back and you're just single

and you're going into a flat and your fucking house is exactly how you left it and like the old tours and you're going back and just going this money doesn't mean shit

you get back home and you're like alright I guess I'm fucking Scottish pussy tomorrow yeah oh well I guess I'll go Scottish pussy tomorrow yeah oh well I guess I'll go shag someone from Edinburgh

we're saying that like we didn't marry Scottish lads that was well level we found well level yeah so we'll see you in Europe this goes out on Monday as well doesn't it so

yeah so if you oh there's a public episode stop it's gonna hear it and then ring me up to kick off about something I was betting he phoned you with the sound system. Oh,

I didn't know if you knew that. He phoned me, but he fucking, like, because to him, he's like, and as well, it's fucking,

something that was months ago when he's caught up on it. I mean, he's up to speed now, but he'll be kicking off with something I said ages ago and I'm trying to remember

saying it and I'm like, oh, I didn't say that, I was wrong. Well, I mean, with the sound. He's got it directly into the podcast to put me in my place.

We took Caelan out for swimming. It was Cara's turn to go into the swimming class with him, so I fucked off to do some shopping. And while I'm shopping, Sopit phones me up, and I'm like, man, Sopit only ever phones me. He's not someone that just phones for a fucking play there. He's someone that's like, hey, I'm in town. Hey, here's the thing that I think.

So Sopit is an efficient phone caller right so I'm like you know what this isn't going to be a fucking 10 minute conversation this isn't going to be

a 5 minute conversation this is going to be Sopit saying one of three things one I'm in town two there's a new batch of weed three send me a picture

of your dick so the three reasons Sopit will ever phone me right so I'm like a four will you stopped mentioning weed. I've got a real job. He kind of gets into bother.

And I go, hey, gorgeous man, because I love saying loving things to Soppa just to see how he reacts. And he screamed at me for four and a half minutes. How was it, so coldly? He fucking screamed at me to the point point where so when my parents were into like turns out my dad's cousin does home entertainment systems and sets up everything so i was like all right but my dad when i was telling him this and just laughing about it all he was like i listened to the episode of the podcast and uh i get what you were saying and i was like really no i'm not

expecting my dad to be on my side. Dad's fucking deaf, though. Let's see where this goes. Once you two were against me, I was like, in the moment, I was like, I'm probably wrong here, but I'll still fucking defend my point, because I'll fucking defend my point, and I've been living this way, and, you know, fine.

And then sopik calls, and I'm like, all right, well, that's the scales tipped there. That's that done. And then dad was like, I get where you're coming from, well that's the scales tipped there, that's that done. And then Dad was like I get where you're coming from because here's the thing, right? You'll watch porn without the audio but you'll not listen to the audio of porn

without the... Maybe she's been desensitised by porn, I think that's what's happening. That's what your dad is going, she watches too much porn. I always have the subtitles on in porn Like that little voice And then he puts his penis inside of the woman Well not even So not even the subtitles But the audio accompaniment for

Like People Damn Thank you so much for tuning in To this episode of Slots and Upwards on the Roads if you want to see us on tour you