Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.7: Fermented Albatross

Episode Date: November 16, 2022

Recorded stoned in Glenn Quagmire's bedroom, Muggins and Cream find themselves so funny they automatically assume you're going to enjoy it just us much, with a lot of chat about the art of making your friends laugh. A podcast with a spliff break, you might want to roll up for this one. (All podcasts available to watch on YouTube)

Hello everyone, welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphries on the Road where we are recording from Manchester, just after I got the O2 Apollo I'm going to be honest, I think this is one of our best episodes but, disclaimer, we were definitely high at the start and then halfway through we get more high and more drunk but I think, man, if you're not a native English speaker probably skip this one I don't think we slur

too much but we do talk like how we talk whenever we're having fun together and that's why I think as an episode it's

one of the funniest and fucking weirdly enough being as drunk and stoned as we are I think we covered everything I think when we lost our fucking trail we got back to the

fucking point like I remember in my head like if you're watching this on the video like when Kai's talking watch me not listen to his story will i congratulate myself mentally on being able to remember where we are like man i really like i'd if this isn't in your top five get to fuck like i think this was class sloss and humphries on the road muggins and cream

cream and muggins straight thuggin living the dream that's our intro fucking muggles tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh

they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack oh muggles accidental rip job in the park kiss kiss kiss or might just be cynical

just muggled it up on fucking mugglopedia where have you been since 9-11? I like your boudoir. I know what that is. If you're watching this on the video on YouTube, even if you're not, I recommend just watching it just so you'll get the next five minutes worth of references as jokes. I do feel like we're on bong-eye date. references as jokes i do feel like we're on bong eye date and that's like there's no it's not it's not blind because we can see each other but in the state we're in like it's not you know partially sighted yeah yeah just like it's it is real i mean a little cushion there for us oh yeah you

have had piles haven't you no no not me no i have but yes all right and piles is bum grapes yes yes right yeah but mine were more like um summer fruits thank you for the setup to the following joke man you should be the next cod Conan that was like the perfect I let you in ready to know what you're going to do the closest Cara has ever come to fully reassessing our relationship and leaving us

with the other day and I'm annoyed by this right because you know when you're in a relationship and I know you're in a similar one with Natalie when it's like

they pretend that your banter changed when you've been with them and they're like that's a shit joke. You're like, bitch, this is the joke that made you laugh me in the first place. Forget that, they're living with professional comics. Well, no, no, it's not even that.

Don't get me wrong, on stage, maybe 2% of our jokes are cheesy. The other ones are like, all right, these are shit. But in our everyday life, obviously most of the jokes we do. Of course, I'm going to waste the cheesy ones on you. Just the fucking shit ones. The ones that go through your head and you normally wouldn't say. Because you're not going to waste it on a full audience.

You're not going to put it in your notepad. You're not going to put the notes in your phone and put them ideas in. This stupid cow who's put your ring on her finger, she's not a woman of class. You can fucking feed any old shit to her. And also, that's the any old shit that made her love you in the first place.

Like, I won Kara over with shit banter. Now tell the joke. So we were out with her son and Cara really... Do you have a son? Yeah, this is what she told me. We were... Cara likes fucking slushy beverages. Like, I don't know, how often would you say you treat Natalie? What, like to a slushy beverages like I don't know how often would you say you treat nationally what like to have

a slushy beverage no no no but like when you're when you're out and she's not with you and you know you're going home how often

I get a slushy beverage to live out of my house no how often do you go there's something she'd like or I've not seen her in a while or also I love this woman

and I'm just going to bequeath to her bequeath whether it's flowers or wine or whatever you know fucking that

least thing is how often would you say you surprise her with a gift not as often as I should now you've done this but I did

order us some stationery recently yeah I just had like a like a trail of stationery arriving like a whiteboard marker pens

and that highlighters now I've got like a to- stationery arriving, like a whiteboard, marker pens and that. Highlighters? No, I got like a to-do list. Oh. With some pens. Nothing to do with her new business, just she's really slacking as a wife. Yeah, I need it.

So this whiteboard's for your chore board and the to-do list, it's just lines. You have to write, you have to write Kai Humphries 50 times every day. I've bought you a couple of pens. You're going to need more.

In fact, it's the first thing On your to-do list Is to buy more of these pens Oh I love languages And gifts What's your love language? Cheese Oh

And you've got a cheesy joke I do So Kyle likes frozen beverages So if I remember like If we're out I'm like Because she's the one That wakes up in the middle of the night To fucking feed Cale And stuff And she needs like if we're out I'm like because she's the one

that wakes up in the middle of the night to fucking feed Caelan and stuff and she needs less sleep than me but I'm still like alright

you probably want a smoothie so this is fucking squeaky shit you have got a squeaky boudoir aye we're on the same boudoir don't aye we're like cat dog we've got the same bottom here

get close around and it'll change the centre of gravity there it'll not be on it'll not be on the squeaky wheel this just feels like the next stage I set up the squeaky there it'll not be on the squeaky wheel I set up the squeaky wheel by the way put a squeaky wheel on your boot wall

to go along with Rich Massar's squeaky foot pole I remember that what was it again? you had a squeaky foot pole we were very stoned and we were all about to go to bed and we'd all done the last bong and Rich Mussar

was about to fill up his air bed at Ricketts' house and he went I've got a squeaky foot pump and I said I said

we have heard that about you and then it became a joke the man with the squeaky foot pump I'm this you've got a squeaky

foot pump there do you want to just elevate it for a bit do you when you're on dates with women do you tell them straight away that you've got a squeaky foot pump is that like when you know it's for a bit do you when you're on dates with women do you tell them straight away

that you've got a squeaky foot pump is that like when you know it's going to get serious because you do have to drop it in early you can't be engaged

or trying for a kid and then be like to the love of your life yeah out of nowhere baby on our three year anniversary just want to let you know

I've got a squeaky foot pump open with that I've waited yeah I have to know that shit open with that I'm not saying to know that Open with that? I'm not saying it's part of your personality

But it's Like if we're going to share life together It's part of our future And I should be warned about it Before wasting my time on you You fucking creep But you do know You've got to strategise

Without having to squeak your foot pump You can't just march up With a person at the bar And be like Get your coat I've got to squeak your foot pump God can you imagine how trashy the person

who was just like sure because there are people out there who upon hearing that line would just be like yeah fuck it like I'll I mean that would have worked on me

when I was 22 if a girl had come up to me and been like I've got a squeaky foot pump I'd be like fucking it's different when a girl says it come on

I was 22 let's get that some grease elbow grease because I'm going it up to my wrists is your dad in jail because I need to

smuggle him in a squeaky foot pump in that class of land yep yep did it hurt when you squeaked your foot pump

yeah sure yeah yeah yeah or hit every squeaky foot pump all the way down we were getting to the end anyway in the build up

to this underwhelming shit bit buying a smoothie and I went what type of smoothie did you go for and she went summer berries

and I went and what are the rest which I think i think that is eight to nine out of ten good i mean shit joke i'd never do it on stage and then did you like did you you know when you know no there was no i didn't say no no no you know when you're um counting for thunder when the lightning guns off and you start counting elephants for the thunder to come. Did you do that after I told the joke? Yeah, only counted one angry elephant. And she did not stop stealing. She's five foot two and weighs as much as a sneeze.

It's very funny to call her an elephant. I love calling Colin fatty. Oh, yeah, aye. Well, sometimes, like, I mean, I mean this was like a very earlier fucking bit where I was like sometimes like the humour comes from just how inappropriate it is

Yeah, like which is, like if you're hanging out with someone who is fat as fuck and you call them a skinny bitch, man in one of my favourite whitest could you know sketches it's the Abraham Lincoln sketch I recommend everyone goes and watches it and It's the Abraham Lincoln sketch I recommend Everyone goes and watches it And it's just

Abraham Lincoln Being very rude During a performance Getting into an argument With a punter And he just keeps Going between Calling him

A fat piece of Shit And a Skinny piece of ass String bean Yeah Yeah string I'm just going

Hey string bean You fat fuck Man Insults that don't actually really... That's why I believe, like, you know, look, we all agree, and I'm still fucking guilty of it, but man, using the term gay as an insult

or any sort of derogatory form is wrong and has long-lasting effects on people for the rest of their life. On society. Yeah, well, and also as somebody who's doesn't consider himself to be homophobic but definitely sometimes uses homophobic language like you've been informed too much now to get away with ignorance yeah well and don't go wrong i'm always doing it in the name of fucking comedy but also i would also probably agree with somebody

being like even in a comedic form you're normalising it my Roberto would be you did a swing and a miss with some lad one time yeah yeah yeah man

because you didn't know him but he was Scottish and he was in LA and you just went in with like a bit of a slur thinking like Pallyway well he'd lived in LA

for too long I was like you're the Scottish poof and look he rightfully reacted the way anyone would be to someone else

but just because in my head i was like this is how i talk to my friends no and also we're scottish like man meeting scottish people in other countries for me maybe this is maybe you don't know it's always fucking refreshing because it's like uh my accent with another scottish person is always harder in another country when you feel like you're fucking alienated and you have to not alienated sorry that's the wrong way to put that but when you

when you're not the local when you have a different accent and when you are very careful with how you like it's really refreshing to go back to your native tongue when you're like when you've been overseas a bit

and then you get a bunch of jordies and I just relax my accent and you can fucking bitch about all the kinds of friends you because they don't understand your accent so in my head incorrectly at the time

I was like the thing that brings us closest together is we're scottish so therefore i can use this i can use this familiar language but to him who has probably grown up with homophobic language thrown at him in non-friendly ways my ignorance may be wrong like it was the wrong way yeah it's jarring for that being said i i my original point here is like sometimes i i think earlier on the uh joke for me some of the time was it's so it's funny to call someone something they're not so i don't think it was fully always hatred of homosexuality which i agree that it probably could have encouraged but it was more like you're not this

you're the opposite of this so we're going to call you this and that's why that's humorous that's why boys call other boys girls that's why if your friends are a Taunton fan you call them an Arsenal fan you're just the opposite of what you are but then again I don't know if that's just a

thinly veiled what was nice for Colin Con nice for colin cone fat was that he texted the sweetest text just like because normally if i've got a um day off colonists like because we've had beef in a previous in another group in front of everyone and he's just like like pouring a bit of water on it they are cool man now you guys i love the way that and I know this is true for women because I don't do it with women but how guys will guys apologies

never actually involve the word sorry yeah Olive Branch is always like a meme right

here's a football opinion I think we can both agree on or let's bitch about Elliot ah I mean just knock a common enemy

out of something look you know that you probably like man especially in WhatsApp groups because fucking tone isn't there because there's no facial expressions

and because you know we're bad at communicating it can get fucking heated quite quickly that would never happen in real life so what you do is you do what you do normally

so you just go talk to them generally but you're not going to say I'm sorry you keep slagging them off in the group but in the back you're just touching base going we're good

I'm going in hard by the way like that was just a tickle lad I'm coming now now he texts us saying that like he's off next week

so if he wants to come run and give us a hand with any manual labour that needs doing with a dog park like help us with the paint and all that. Hold on.

Colin offered. I think he's fucking with you, man. Mate, I thought it was sick. No, he's genuine. Colin's going to lift things. Colin. Aye, ceiling tiles. Fucking Auschwitz, Colin.

Ceiling tiles, mate. What are they made of? What the fuck are ceiling tiles made of? Aye, but what was it before it was ceiling? Air. Fuck off. That's how it works. No, no.

Look, if you put something above you between you and air, that's ceiling. Doesn't matter what it's fucking made of. It's ceiling. I meant the panels. Ceiling. Right, okay. That's why they're called ceiling panels. So can't lift them because they're made of air

it's like when you chopped in a tree with a wood axe I just went cheers if I couldn't I thought just can't live if I couldn't when he was

saying something nice while being remarkably skinny but I always think like private banners should always be infinitely worse than public banner because I do think there's a responsibility with it. You cannot, doing what we do, guarantee that anywhere between 100 and 3,000 people are going to get the nuance of you saying something

that's definitely pushing a fucking line, saying something that shouldn't be said. You can't expect 100% of that audience to fully get where you're coming from. But if I'm in a room with just you and a couple of mates who've known me for 10 years, I'm like, man, I can say whatever I like, because even though it's fucking horrific. You're in Grand Theft Auto. I don't know if it's real.

Yeah, yeah. That being said, said like there are like if you ever recorded there are things that you and me have said to each other in fucking private

there are things that me and Cullen say to each other where I'm like if that was leaked oh like I would have to kill myself

because people are just like but you but I'm like look sometimes saying the worst thing is the funniest thing and they're like but you did I'm like Look sometimes saying The worst thing Is the funniest thing And they're like

But you did it for an hour and a half And it's a regular bit And I'm like You do diagrams And I'm like But that's It's the commitment It's the recordingness

And they're like But it's just This horrific thing Like even if you Oh When you get locked into a bit as well When something's happening and there's like a formula to it

where you're slagging someone off it's like even just a simile or something and then like you realise you've exhausted all the obvious jokes and then you go right I've got to dig to hell to get a joke with the next I've got to dig to hell

to get the five laugh emojis now and the way you go nuclear is you bring up somebody's secret that's publicly known and then to make there be a new scarecrow that we're all going to fucking burn and it could even be an elephant in the room that hasn't been pointed out yet

something contentious everyone knows but it's not been spoken about you're in the whatsapp bit you've done all the fucking obvious bits and then it starts going down to the level that's like Marilyn McCann jokes other Fritzl jokes but to me that's hack so that's the level you're in the whatsapp bit you've done all the fucking obvious bits and then it starts going down to the level that's like Marilyn McCann jokes other Fritzl jokes

but to me that's hack so that's the level you're going through and then you can subterranean on that and find someone's deepest insecurity or something that like you don't even talk about openly

because it's like it's something that bothers them and then you're just like bam when you're on the receiving end of it the only thing you can do is put in five laughing face emojis

put down your phone and just be like let them have their laugh I just I just gotta like it's cathartic actually at least we're laughing at it

now we're talking to you yeah yeah yeah but like to be honest with you like I'm not fully ready to laugh at it yet but you know if they're gonna go for it

I'll you know what I'll go for a spliff and I'll come back and I'll be able to laugh at me being the butt of this joke for the next fucking hour and then there's the opposite side where the one that hit send and you

knew you were going to nuke and you put your phone down and went I am up next I was going to be more like you're about to drop a bomb and you're like did I hit the headquarters of the terrorist organisation

or did I accidentally go 0.5 miles west and hit the school? Like, how is this going to land? It's a windy day. How's it going to land? Are people in a bad mood? Is this person in a really bad mood? That they're not going to laugh at this? Are they not going

to give the obligatory five laughing really bad mood that they're not going to laugh at this are they not going to give the obligatory five laughing face emojis that they have to put in to acknowledge the fact that this is fair game and I didn't take it too far it's that and also

you're not just giving the person it's about the free pass to just say anything about you no matter how deep and dark and right in their psyche it's like holding his hand up it's you're giving it to the other fucking ten people

in the group because they like holding your hand up it's yeah giving it to the other fucking ten people in the group yeah because they're going right he's it get him well I'll have a laugh but you kind of get piffy now

if I land something like there's no way somebody can come back and then I'll be like I don't like talking about that thank you very much because man because man

if you don't put in the laugh and face emojis like unless people are on a particularly frolicky day other people might not join in putting the laughs in is just it's putting the fucking fish food in the fucking koi pond and watching everyone go all right like it's it's now or never like this isn't we're not gonna do this is an ongoing bit you know you know it's worth taking the flack if the the emojis have

got words with them like oh my god thenjis, and then emojis and dying. No, no, no. But you have to take the flack. That's when I truly believe that Jesus meant by do unto others as you would do to yourself. It's not saying stop doing that to them. It's like, expect a fucking mother fucker. Fucking die. Fucking don't be. Don't't change bud fucking strap it strap in be nice get a puppy right for you be as nice as you fucking want to be but if you're going to be a like very brutal and dark

fucking comedy and say horrible things your friends don't you fucking dare take it badly when it's reversed you know what I love is there's a bit in our WhatsApp right where everybody says the darkest shit like we've just been

talking about we laugh at ourselves we fucking get back at each other we can right but then if Tom says anything nice

we'll act like we're fucking astounded over what he said it was Mark Nelson's son got cast in a CBeebies thing and it was getting

premiered in our land and everyone's congratulating them just guys fucking incredible and then tom come on oh that's fucking awesome that mark made and everyone's just like wow tom wow wow went there like fucking hell mate ran it in and mark's like fucking thanks for spoiling me big day mate I love stupid ongoing bets. And also, everyone's also got like, I feel like in every friendship, like there's group jokes. But then there's also jokes that you've got with one other person.

Everyone else is aware of it, but they don't join in on it. Because look, sometimes with jokes, we're swingers. We put the keys in the bowl and we're like, this is for everyone. And then sometimes you're like, all right, this is just a bit

for me Gareth and Colin and you put it in as a bit of board game that you played like six weeks ago yeah yeah and you're like

I'm only going to like I'm only going to get a third of our friendship with this joke but I guarantee I'll get 100% of that third

did he notice that I titled my fantasy football team based on something Marlene I said about 7 years ago oh is it

oh yeah yes Bush Leipzig RB Bush Pig RB Bush Pig instead of RB Leipzig that was like only you're gonna get that joke

I was high and I had to name your team and you're just like I'll just call anything it doesn't matter I put in fucking RB Bush Pig

and there's fucking 12 people in the group and I'm like that's for one person if they remember but sometimes I'll just call anything, it doesn't matter. I'll put in fucking RB Bushpig. And there's fucking 12 people in the group. And I'm like, that's for one person, if they remember. But sometimes that's the funny bit. Like, man, if you can, man, in a group of fucking, in a group of people where everyone's having a good time, if you can look across the room and very,

without fucking taking everyone else's attention away from what they're talking about, have a proper laugh with that person that's uh yeah i like just um well while you're fucking having a big group chat if you just whisper something to someone that like you can't put that into the group it won't work for one reason or another well unless you're you who would then insist on explaining the backstory we just had a laugh here and you all saw that right I must explain like anyway seven years ago Marlena said

bush pig but let's actually explain the bush pig I wasn't going to do it without your clearance Marlena our manager I can't

this must have been like six or seven years ago it was so funny it was on the delivery as well and it was it was a Livingston, it was on the delivery as well. And it was a Livingston gig? It was our cloak and daggers, like,

look, nobody told her before leaving. Wait, wait, so when we were doing previews before the Fringe, where you ran through your show for the first time, you come up, and Martin Nelson's in the audience, Guy Humphries is in the audience,

Gareth was in the audience, because you're all doing your previews together, Craig Hill's there, you've all done your previews together, and then there's also my dad who's been a comedy fan since he was like fucking 15 years old

and if you ask a lot of comedians in Scotland especially when I started my dad has genuinely added tags to people's shows I've got a show that hasn't had a tag that your dad wrote

aye I've got lines like in like I won't even remember which ones they are which is a shame he'll watch me day in a bit that's his lane there he is yeah and i'll have been like fuck he's watched so much

comedy and look if my dad wasn't a giant fucking introvert he could be a very good storyteller he's a very funny man so he's like living vicariously for you like he loves it that's why he's so proud and also all the pussy i get yeah look all right because he's choked for that that's the only time he respected my shagging just when it was faithful but with a guy yeah marital sex yes just like i like it so we come on stage now to be fair to belinda no we don't give her a hard time with this podcast when we talk about all the times that she does stuff that we find

a little bit cringy or annoying man there's been times where oh fucking you know how the other day in the podcast we were like

she keeps sending us emails sending us articles I love it she so she clearly fucking listened to that fucking episode she listened to it

I love it she listened to the fucking episode and then sent me an email the other day with no comment just bumping an email that she sent me at the start of january 2021 with an article to an emotional support peacock right and i was just a way of being like you say i've got no effect but i'm like yes so she found a bit like actually 10 minute routine you

rain woman bitch so to be fair to her she she especially my career has had a huge part

to play and I will have to begrudgingly acknowledge that sometimes in my presence she has said something funny

but most of the time most of the time... Most of the time, it's shined or weird. Because her comedic brain works in a different way. That's why she has such an eclectic group of... There's actually sometimes quite a lot of places to go before you reach the conclusion. And the thing with an audience is you've got to help them reach the conclusion, but sometimes it's a bit too favor because she's watched so much

comedy yeah she can get to them lily pads it takes to get to the other side of the lake so what she'll do is she'll just i mean you just put it at the other side of the lake and you're like oh you need the lily pads in there like the thought process is there but you've just given us the end thought that's a perfect explanation one of the examples of this and again marlena i know you're listening i love you you have helped i've acknowledged that but if you want to turn off because you're about to get three and a half minutes of a good roasting here one of the ones one of our friends was doing a show uh doing this preview and he did the joke about prisoners in quintanamo bay and he walks off stage jaffa cakes jaffa Cakes Jaffa Cakes

and that's it that's it that's all she does there's no preamble she walks out to him she goes Jaffa Cakes and we're all like

what? and she's like Jaffa Cakes Guantanamo Bay Jaffa Cakes and she repeats Guantanamo Bay Jaffa Cakes

over and over again and because the joke is about the I think it was the Afghanistan prisoners that were in Guantanamo Bay Jaffa cakes over and over again. And because the joke is about the, I think it was the Afghanistan prisoners that were in Guantanamo Bay. And we're all like, what the fuck are you talking about? And she's like, brown people in orange suits. Which, especially in that phrasing,

is the worst way to phrase that. That's a that's a blunt tooled instrument to the fucking head of that like there is a way

to do that joke where it's softly delivered the orange is in the middle let's not get into how wrong it is I'm trying to stand up for a hair

which is people go that's a shocking joke and like that's why we were laughing but I will acknowledge I believe Anthony Chesilnick could take that punchline. Not from Marlena, but it turned into something.

So she consistently has all these fucking weird little additions to bits. And the addition that, no, it wasn't even an addition. It was a conversation that we're having. I think it was a conversation that we'll have quite frequently. It'll become one of your bits about the fanatics of swear words and what's the worst insult to call people. it was a conversation that we're having where it was on. I think it was like a conversation that we'll have quite frequently. It become one of your bits about the phonetics of like swear words and what's the worst insult to call people. Like it's a common thread topic from the pair of work. And then I was like,

oh, we used to have something like really bad that we used to call each other back in Australia, back, back in the seventies and the eighties. Oh man, she checked the room. You know,

when I'm on stage And I exaggerate looking around the room Even though there's 2000 people listening I look behind me just in case somebody might be overhearing In a room of ours What's this What's this Austrian slash Australian

Hybrid of the N word I'm about to hear What is this N word F word We're about to learn a new slur. Like, man, when we say this word, people are going to... In my 30s.

If we say this word in public, people are going to die. Like, this could be... This is like one of those words that only the government knows about. And if you say it out loud, they're like,

chill. It's like getting texts off the FBI. Come to jail, please. Doing our past go. Come on. Don't make us chase you. Think about the environment. Don't make us chase you. come to jail please doing our past go come on don't make us chase you think about the environment

don't make us chase you he's not the punchline Chalina is bush pig bush pig bush pig and anyway

I was so gutted I was so gutted so seven years later I called my team I'll be Bushpeg. But again for me I'm like that's a good joke because you sat on it for seven years and it was for one person. You know in the Richard Attenborough documentary you know he does Planet Earth you know he did the humans one which was where it was like it was about like different parts of the world where people did fucking like very different things

oh no I've forgotten why am I in this analogy is it like tribal stuff like oh well one of the episodes is the analogy

the analogy is like putting a joke out for one person even though and sitting on it you've saved me sitting on it for a long time in one of the episodes

in like part of the Antarctic or Arctic I can't remember which one's north or south and which one does or does not have penguins but whatever the

and this is an outdated term allegedly whenever the Inuits is you can't call them Inuits or Eskimos snowflakes you've got to call them Inuits well I've got 500 words

for those I've got 500 words for snowflakes they're all they're all boomers but of course they're the news they've been out there for ages man they're just so out there there's no way there's gay Eskimos

sorry to be Phil Nicol Phil Nicol I was going to say there's one, it's Phil Nicol which you can actually find that on Spotify, the only gay's one it's Phil Nicol which you can actually you can find that on Spotify the only gay-esque mobile by Phil Nicol

that was one of the pre-comedy before I was even in comedy I knew the song only gay-esque was because it was Phil Nicol and Corky

and the oh what was the thing was called Corky and the Fat Pigs Corky and the Just Pigs Corky and the Bush Pigs bleep that out Matthew bleep that out i can't i can't i can't have me saying bush pigs on it go watch the only gay eskimo it's it's so very good like i was really genuinely starstruck the

first time i met phil nichol because I'd watched that so many times on like YouTube it's so good so do you know when he'd done Punch Drunk the first time he closed on only

the asking moment fucking obviously he gets on cold like fucking smashes it in places fucking bewildered by what the fuck's just

happening in front of them and then he came back like maybe 18 months later like popular demand fucking fills the gigs immediately everyone's there

to fucking sing along with him right and he'd done a different set because he's already been here like 18 months ago

and he doesn't want to do that so the encore went back on and he does a different bit that I haven't seen and the encore went back on and he does a different bit

and I'm like the one the only Gieski more mate mate he took like I can't remember if it was five encores or something

he just kept going back on and just doing something he knew what they wanted he was

playing with them he was absolutely fucking he had them up there

for so fucking long and then because of that like when he did it when he did the only gay Eskimo

it fucking went off well so my point about the fucking Eskimo Zin off aye well so my point about the fucking eskimos anyway there is a particular group of people

up in the whatever where like they'll catch birds out the sky with these big fucking nets and then what they

do is they just fucking wrap them up in the stomach of another animal I imagine and then bury them deep underground for like nine months

and then let them ferment right now they obviously don't sell this because who wants to eat uncooked and then bury them deep underground for like nine months, and then let them ferment, right? Now, they obviously don't sell this because who wants to eat uncooked fermented bird that you've caught out the sky with a net that I saw you make? Like, that's not like when they're like,

oh man, this really sticky fish in the oil plant. Nobody, that's not. I'd be intrigued. Man, we can export haggis a bit from Scotland, but I would say 1% of the rest of the world, even less than. Nobody's going for these fucking fermented fucking sky patches. It's not a fucking chance.

But these people sit on these birds for nine months, they let them ferment, and it's only for a select group of people. That was the R.P. Bush book joke. You just sat on it for ages you're like this is only for

a select few but like fine dining restaurants I give you a fermented albatross that's how it's called I mean a fermented albatross if you give someone

that's a sex position fermented albatross yeah that's how we conceived Caitlin when you come in drunk and just start flapping it's when you get it's when you get it into Caitlin It's when you come in drunk and just start flapping It's when you get

It's when you get it into you It's when you vomit your own spunk into a vagina Like it's just a baby bird It's when you come three and under par I'd have too many punchlines for what it was I didn't have any I didn't have that many punchlines for what it was that didn't have any right to have that many punchlines the fermented albatross they are so lucky on this podcast

I mean look not to this party it's McDonald's but I do think we're having a particularly good episode yeah man I looked at the time before and was like we can't keep this up we can't keep this up we need to just

start being gay keep it as a comedy again man it's like it's like it's like the first 15 minutes of coke sex

right where you're like man what the first seven days no just in the sense you're like man I'm giving a good here

like I'm nowhere fucking close to coming this is good they're enjoying this fucking singing here tonto aye you've drawn a moustache on

smoking jacket pretending to be you're like a bit of that way and then 15 minutes into the coke sex you're like

I didn't even know we were partying where the fuck are you going what do you mean it's chafing she's like it's not chafing for me

but we gotta keep I was tired of you cocking me or tiring your lass or cross wires there there's different things I was like

where the fuck are you going to be dick you were like yeah what do you mean it's chafing and they thought it was cutting off your lass where are you going

come on for me I want you to come back get out man somebody man I've had walkouts during comedy imagine

walk walk out during a threesome I can stomach it I get it people get jealous people get uncomfortable stay afraid even

you just kind of piss you just kind of piss you just kind of piss when people watch him I don't know can I keep it up I can do it with another pint though we can pause it

should we pause it just come back to last round no no no man fucking like let's look if you're a new listener to this because one of your friends no no no if you're a new listener to this because one of your

friends no no no if you're a new listener to this because one of your friends has gone hey by the way this is a really good episode in five years from now like if this is the introductory episode because we were particularly good in that first 30 minutes i think we were just be aware what's about to come after this is cut out go away we're going to it's a second there's some Davos chapters in there

I think that might have been a fermented albatross no anyone that's read Game of Thrones would get that fucking reference which is why I think

they did an injustice of him in the TV show because he was dead interesting in the TV show it was Geordie wasn't he you can't so claim anything. He was in this other film I watched with Cullen called The Centurion. Cullen was in The Centurion?

He was. He was in Man City's title winning season where they got 100 points. He was the bald fraud. He was Pep Guardiola. You were right. The thing I'm about to discuss with you relates back to my piss so inevitably when I get to the end of the story and I go oh god

why am I fucking telling this story it's about the piss I just had and I'm about to remember that or we can pause and listen back to it but it's just look we told them what was going to happen

we've gone out first bliff we've got another fucking drink this one might be a bit more chaotic there is I can't remember if it was on Reddit or whether it was on Tumblr

or whether it was on some parts of the early internet oh chive I don't think Chive, but it was more of a phone book. You brought me a Keep Karma Chive on t-shirt.

Oh, back in the... I didn't even know what it was. He told us about it afterwards. It was the first nuts of the internet. I mean, I was all in for cats out of this. Iken has cheeseburger. Which one was that again? It had a space for cheese.

No, no, no. Iken has cheeseburger was like was that again it had a space for cheese no no no Ike and his cheeseburger was like one of the first ever like when they so the internet was funny when there was like

forwarded emails that you got that was where like the first ever you know the song the crazy frog sang that actually came from them being like

trying not to laugh and it was just a picture of a fucking race car with the in the background and it was very funny because i got into formula one man that's a max verstappen got in formula one so i mean and that was funny back in 2002 when it was fucking new uh then it became a crazy frog song back at the time when the internet was i think it Then it became a crazy frog song. Back at the time when the internet was,

I think it was a bit after that, I Can Has Cheeseburger was like this website where it was just pictures of cats with misspelled captions. Oh my God, it's a cheeseburger. Oh, before. And then it become the last, that's got the Christmas present.

Oh my God, it's goosebumps. Yeah, that bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I Can Has Cheeseburger, which is there's a picture of a cat, somebody eating the cheeseburger, and a cat leaning in his bite out, and the caption was,

I can has, spelled with a Z, cheeseburger, spelled C-H-E-Z, burger. And everyone went, ha, ha, ha. The one thing all human beings have in common

is that in every society in the world, some of us are mental about cats. Aye. So, doesn't matter what part of the world you're us are mental about cats aye so doesn't doesn't matter what part of the world you're in wherever this internet reaches

there's going to be some people in each of these places that are going to be like I'm going to get you now yeah I get it oh fuck you forgot where you're going

I know where I was going I was just I was going to tell you so we'll get back the keep calm and chive on t-shirt that you got us oh yeah

I got one to cat Saturday and then that little diversion somebody just and Chive on t-shirt. That you got us. Oh, yeah. I got one to catch Saturday and then that little diversion. Somebody just shouted Chive on in the street. The source of the t-shirt went, Chive on! As I walked past him. Aye, muggle. Huh? Muggle.

Absolute muggle. Did you have like a little fraternity going on in Chive? No, but... Is that what Chive people date of each other? Yeah. So when we joined, Chive was like nuts on the internet it was just this place where they were like right we'll compile some of the funniest images some of the funniest fucking videos and then also any of our female users who want to send in scantily clad photos of themselves we'll also throw it into mix the same way front Magazine did back in fucking 2008 the same way Nuts Magazine

kind of did in a lower class version I think Front was personally better but like there's look whatever new medium comes out

there's going to be a market for here's some funny shit and a girl that you think lives next door is pierced nipples though

no matter what you do in the future when you invent any new technology there will be five years it's there it's there you got murder in tits um so so chive became this and then they obviously started selling merch because they were a website they were like okay we get fucking a million people a day let's make money off like and this is like not necessarily pre-advertising but pre-advertising on the internet now

they're like we'll make merch yeah the walking billboards communicate making a community so people if you wore a Chive shirt and then occasionally

like every Christmas on Chive I think I love that I'm just like there's a walking billboard buy her merch so somebody's on the road

but do Christmas is coming up we genuinely love seniors wearing our gear yeah and I'm so poor I don't know if I've ever mentioned that on this podcast me and

me and Cara are broke man it's it's real really struggling yeah so so like and our kid is starving

god he's so hungry and I'm sitting on all that big bad fucking dog park money yeah oh it's true

honestly the more you give the longer he lives right um so in the early parts of the internet

maybe not that early but I'm gonna say like 10 years ago I think I think it was on tumblr there was this thing about human beings being space orcs

right which is if you take if you subscribe to this the I mean I think the logical thing but also the sci-fi thing of,

there are definitely other planets out there in the infinite universe that have life on it. Let's say at some point, those other sentient beings are able to contact us. We always think that they're going to be so much more advanced than us, so much more fucking dangerous. But if you actually look at what human beings are,

human beings are space orcs. There's a good chance that aliens will come down from another planet. And we're the bad guys. No, no, no, no, not even that. Just how fucking metal we are. Because it's norm of us. So it's stuff like... Still vaguely primitive.

Yeah, so wait, you can... Whams if you break their arms oh their arms will heal what? yeah their arms will just heal over any bones you break in them

if you kind of leave them there they'll it'll be fine oh Jesus okay and what do they and like whams if you shoot them

they're like oh man some of them survive for like a real long time like some of them live you know and do they live in just one environment

like we do just in the jungle i'm like no they can survive in the most freezing cold temperatures and they can survive in some of the most inhospitable parts of that so there's this entire thing where loads of people contribute to be like you know what that's a good point where they're just looking at humans at that point of view we've just been like you know resilient yeah resilient scary dumb primitive exactly said like you know yes their technology might outmatch us but we're just going to be like we dumb apes smash and they'll be like god we haven't had physical contact in so long because physical combat sorry i had this not lonely maybe they are i had this theory that you know um when thomas cook landed at the Galapagos Islands and just had to

stop there the travel agent yep Thomas Cook the travel agent just going to see Thompson was already there get out of here

he's going to scope it out being like I don't know if I'm going to let my people travel here just prospecting yeah when he got to

the Galapagos Islands and went it's like an agent going out to see a new material night being like I wonder if I'll sign any of these new countries to my travel agency When it got to Galapagos Island and went. It's like an agent going out to see a new material night, being like, I wonder if I'll sign any of these new countries to my travel agency. 15%.

North Korea's like, I'm not interested, I'm Daniel Kitson. Yeah. Just kind of self-produced. So apparently it was the rats off the ship that fucking come on the island that destroyed hundreds of species that we'll never see because they were destroyed. Same time we dropped white people off in Australia.

Well, that's where I'm going with it, right? Zooming out from that. If an alien species fucking popped here to refuel and then left going, oh, this has just got a limited time frame before fucking the ego system collapsed once and for a bit more longevity and then moved on right we weren't the aliens we were the rats on the ship we were living in the vents and that yeah but the good thing is when that alien spaceship lands a bunch of geordies and scousers will hide in the vents of that alien

ship and even though the human race will eventually lose itself to war those Geordies and those Scousers will reproduce in the vents of that alien spaceship at such an alarming rate to a rate these aliens aren't accustomed to and within

I'm going to assume they lived for like 100 fucking years. And even with, they don't have, like, travel, because that would be insane. But they've just traveled for a long time. That's how they got here. It wasn't insane to them to travel 500 years. Very fast way to get here.

But human beings, man, man, we can reproduce at fucking 16 in this country. We're doing it right now. So I reckon they traveled for like a hundred years after they've landed on Earth. Earth has lost itself to nuclear war at this point. But we've gone from 16 Jordans and Scousers in the vents of that alien spaceship to...

One Glaswegian, just merged like Voltron. No, no, I was going to say more like you know when you know like when in horrible zombie games when they're like and what's the worst zombie a bigger zombie

made of other zombies and meld it together so my point with this space work thing because sometimes I'm like oh man

you know what now that I think about it like we are pretty fucking mad like the things we can survive like man I don't think there's any other species was like man there's something dangerous going to grow growing in your brain right what we're going to do is something way less dangerous

we're going to drill into your brain get that out we're going to no no and we're only going to drill into your brain after we've poisoned you for six months and we're going to get that out because for us a peaceful death or whatever we want to live together to fuck more shit up come back motherfucker you're not dying get back yeah there's more for you

it's going to be different from now on when you come back are you getting a better quality of life absolutely not under no circumstance you need care. You need help. Whatever the peak of your life was before this,

everything from now on, at least 30%. No, way worse. You'll get to finish some series and enjoy them. Yeah, you know. I didn't think Martin Ellison would get to see

season eight of Game of Thrones. No, no. I worried when it finished. I was like, oh, thank God. Dance of Dragons. House of Dragons. native Game of Thrones nah nah I worried when I finished I was like oh thank god Dance of Dragons House of Dragons Dance of Dragons

which was actually the name of one of the books wasn't it Dance of Dragons was that the name of the actual series it wasn't called Game of Thrones

A Song of Ice and Fire The Dance of Dragons you confidently pitched that to me in such a way that you were like god I hope he doesn't remember as much as i don't just so we can actually go through this bit and i'm like you the dance of

dragons that is a matthew would be here right now matthew if you were here you'd be googling dance of dragons and then like find out that like it was said once and like book 3.2 no i think you find matthew type in dance of dragons so they'll be like google called me gay i should have said an incel less homophobic you made the mistakes well no it was no no my first incident one step back two steps forward progress um but you were telling me about having a piss so in human beings being like metal and just being like we'll go through everything man I watched my piss

come out there so yellow so yellow and I'd pissed in that bathroom and I forgot to flush before we went out so I was just adding more yellow to the bowl of yellow and I was like I'm going to do absolutely nothing about this I'm going to do absolutely nothing about this.

I didn't. I'm going to have some more cider. My body is clearly been like, hey, buddy, just look, hey, man, I know you don't like physical pain. No, you're late on, motherfucker.

Man, whenever you take painkillers, you, sorry, whenever you're in pain and you, because you don't like pain, but I just give you pain to remind you that this needs fixed.

You take painkillers and it dulls it. And you know what sometimes it's better so I know you don't like pain so just to try and be more effective communication between

me and your body and you the person just through sight through sight alone I'm going to tell you that you need to drink more water and I'm like

this piece of shit I like it when it's hot just always make it hot like that But please sir Just amber light Slow down Three more pints

And a spliff Heat that up I'm going for beige Okay Can you promise me That when you wake up In the morning You'll at least have

A pint of water then I can promise you I'll walk five minutes To a service station And buy some iron brew That should fix it That should fix it. That should fix it. That's not.

Yeah. I went to an STD clinic one time and I'd fucking, I'd had a barocca in the morning because I was hungover. And hungover usually means dehydration anyway. And a barocca means fucking let's turn this into Cheetos. Oh, it's luminescent. I fucking couldn't believe what I had to hand out to that nurse. I was just like fucking uranium rod That went down Homer Simpson's back. And I'm just handing it out to her again.

Seems like I'm fine. You need to test that. Just look at it with your eyes. It's fucking glowing when I hand it to the nurse. Get that doing you. Put your hands on your chest. It's, Cara is, this is a very personal one. I am watching Grey's Anatomy with Cara.

Aye. Cara watched all. Would you have been watching it of your own volition? No, no. But are you like locked in now? Not locked in, but like, I really, really like, man, there are some things that I'm really fucking into that Cara accepts that I'm into

and will just listen to me talk about it or will try and join in it with me. Like if I fucking love a movie, even if it's not her type of movie, she's like, all right, you love it. I'll Google the ending. I mean, all right. But she'll listen to me when I say don't.

But like, man, she always makes those little bits of effort where you're just like, ah, we're building a fucking relationship here. So I'm like, I got to do the I say don't but like man she always makes those little bits of effort where you're just like ah we're building a fucking relationship here so I'm like I gotta do the same back like

she watched every season of Grey's Anatomy while fucking pregnant I was reading Will of Time when at the exact same fucking time

so I would occasionally catch bits of it but she was into it Colin turns out has watched every episode ever because when he was growing up,

you know how Friends was on every day at five o'clock on E4 in Ireland in fucking, fucking Potato 4 or whatever the channel's called. Because they're like, man, what's better than no potatoes? Four potatoes.

Potato News. So Colin, it was Grey's Anatomy every single day and his mum watched it so he watched it so like Kana and Colin would just re-watch it

Kara for the first time Colin for the 90th time watched this and I go through it and then when we were in New York because me and Kara

were in the same room the entire time for like two weeks we weren't away she was just re-watching it because it was something that she, brain chewing gum. You've watched it before,

you don't need to fully pay attention, you're paying attention to your child, but your child's not watching this boring fucking TV show. It's something familiar, I'll let you know. Well, yeah, and it's not on the TV, it's on a phone in the corner, where she can just be like, oh, he's sitting, cool,

and then watch this for a bit. I started getting a bit into it, and we started, and you're like, you know what? It's not the greatest writing in the world but neither is 98% of the stuff

I watch in general so like it's and so there's loads of shit like that though isn't there there's Grey's Anatomy and then there's

fucking ER and then there's Mad Men that was the one House not Mad Men House and Casualty

obviously Casualty obviously Casualty after fucking Grey's Anatomy ER and House obviously Casualty House Not my bed house And casualty Obviously casualty Obviously casualty After fucking Crazy Anatomy ER nights Obviously casualty EOG Respect your elders

You know There's the wire There's the departed And the bill Like big shout You just did that Like I mean

I may be wrong here Might be But ER wouldn't exist If it was casualty Shoulders of giants like shoulders of giants shoulders of giants I'm sorry you're telling me

Hollywood wouldn't have come up with a doctor show unless ITV menopause paved the way Bill as well

CSI would be nothing but the bill I mean I'm turning it into a bit but I meant it when I first said it and then realised how ridiculous it was I have, I don't know if I've told this before but do you know that, people probably

do, this might not be interesting do you know that House is very clearly, and they've met, it's based on Sherlock Holmes Is that him from Comedian? Hugh Laurie pretend I didn't know who Sherlock Holmes was and I was trying to spitball

who he might be no no no I mean House is based on the original Sherlock Holmes and here's all the things what's the TV show House called? House? uh huh and Doctor House is called House because Uh-huh. And Doctor House.

It's called House because that's his second name. What's Sherlock's second name? Oh. So there's your clue number one. This isn't me making this up. I need more than this. That's one thing you could contrive. What's Sherlock's sidekick called?

Watson. And Watson Telly. Watson Telly. Do your own research. What is House's best friend in House? Dr. Wilson. Okay. And where does Sherlock Holmes live he lives in Shelbyville he lives in Baker Street 331 Baker Street where does dr. house live with dr. Wilson 31 Baker Street but just read a film no Baker Street the

writers it's the writers are like this is we've just done Doctor version of Sherlock Holmes but like they did that who listens

this is before podcasts so hold on is this because I've never watched it is it just like a show where it's just like he's got to do surgery and it's against the clock

and something goes wrong and he fixes it blah blah blah right like where does having an enemy come into it who's Moriarty his addiction so but which is also no no no no no no but Sherlock Holmes Like, where does having an enemy come into it? Who's Moriarty? His addiction. So, but which has also been...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sherlock Holmes in the original was a drug addict. He was massively into opiates, right? So that's something with Sherlock. That's why he is as intense. So it's, again, that's not them being shitty. The Moriarty in the... I mean, I've only watched the first three seasons.

You should watch them for the following reasons one well in fact three reasons I think when I watched it it was a fucking excellent show I really enjoyed it

I would be interested to know how much it held up nowadays right you know how something is it going to be like square screen is it how old is it

oh man like 2004 I couldn't believe I didn't think Always Sunny in Philadelphia Was that old But like I'm sure Natalie was watching it

Like On a widescreen TV But it was square screen Like old football highlights Or something Fucking absolute Fucking state of math You've not been here in Manchester

Unbelievable Lazy I have to fucking google me We're only in Manchester Jesus fuck What am I even googling I've forgotten What's a hard shoulder

For if it's not for being on your bike To try and get here What am I even googling I've forgotten What's a hard shoulder For being on your bike To try and get here What am I googling Fuck Right Matthew Matthew What are you doing You fucking

Piece of shit Jake You're googling Something about Fucking Sherlock Holmes Motherfucker Oh no We've ruined the podcast

Man we were so in sync For like 50 fucking minutes Yeah You think of that, an old pad. I read Arthur Conan Doyle's Black Panther. That's his car, by the way. No! What was his car?

It was kind of like the Panther of the Woods or something. The Panther of the Woods. Well, I mean, don't we all know? That's a black hole of hell, lad. That's a black hole of hell. Arthur Conan Doyle. Aye. The hound of the Baskervilles, there we are.

Oh, that's not what you meant. I said Black Panther. Close. Wakanda, Baskervilles. Oh, right. Back to my original point. Fuck what we were Googling. The third reason I think you should watch House again.

Man. We're mates with Carl Penn. Carl Penn's it going? Man We're mates with Carl Penn Carl Penn's in it? Uh huh That's one of the Apart from Harold and Goodbye Makes the Munchies What a racist

An Indian and a Chinese guy Make the Munchies Where's mine? Sorry Harold and Goodbye Get the Munchies Yeah that was I mean in his very life

Have you not read His autobiography yet No I didn't start it though Oh it's so good But Because of the book I don't travel over it Because

I Read on my headphones When I'm moving It's very very good I really want to read it Yeah It's very funny You've got to remember

The man's led The most fascinating career In the fucking world In the fact That That he was in like That teen sensation type movie That was

Really hot He started What was Ryan Reynolds Fucking movie Was the college kid world in the fact that he was in like that teen sensation type movie that was really hot he started what was ryan reynolds fucking movie was the college kid on campus at uh van wilder yeah so that was cal's first movie when they were just like the fucking indian guy and because because that's what hollywood was then cal was like well i guess i gotta be the fucking indian guy yeah there's no other roles I can go for yeah so although this is it's not demeaning

like I appreciate the chance but it's also like I'm worth yeah but no yeah yeah I want the thing that I'm getting

but not like this so it's it's about that and then he gets Hans Kimmerer gets a bunch of and then he's in the house and then the reason

he leaves the house is because he worked with Obama yeah he was the writer for Obama's speeches and then no no no so he supported Obama

early on when Obama even before I remember you were googling to see whether House was old enough to be on a square telly

but let's forget that so he's in he's in he's in House he leaves because he's going to be a speech writer for Obama who supported no no no so he's he's in there he's in he's in house he leaves because he's going to be a speechwriter for obama no no no so he i mean not to fucking read the book to the short version of and i highly recommend the book it's very very good and it's very very funny uh and so interesting because he's led such an unbelievably fascinating life

he leaves house because he gets introduced to obama during one of obama's earlier fucking speeches really buys into it because Obama's like, hey, here's what I'm going to fucking do. And then he helps him get elected to president, then goes back to house, and then one day meets, he's invited to the fucking White House. And once Obama got elected, he was like,

hey, if you ever want a job, get in touch with my office. And Carl's like, he's just saying that to be nice. That's just a nice thing that you say to... But I'm about to get in touch with his office right now. Just on the off chance. No, doesn't. Fully fucking takes it as, that's just a nice thing people say.

Goes back, does another season of House, I think I might be getting the time order this wrong gets invited to the White House fucking went I think it was maybe Obama's lightning stanking everyone

and Cal has not applied for the job and Obama's like what the fuck like why why have you why have you not applied for this job

it's the ego this Cal I mean I'm butchering the story and you know what I'll fucking cut it there because we've got to go back to the googling the original point of this

but I would I cannot recommend Castle of Burgundy that reminds me of when Bill Burr got in touch with Ronnie Chang

asking him like he'd say I loved a specialist and then Ronnie Chang was so convinced that this was a fake account

that he wrote, fuck you. That's not true. That is true. Ronnie Chang said, fuck you to Bill Bear after he sent him a compliment. And this was like, he's popped now, Ronnie Chang. He's massive now. But this was when he was on his ascendancy. Like where he thought that he was so far below Bill Burr.

Imagine you doing that in David Schwimmer when he got in touch with you. Oh man, nearly fucking dead. Like didn't fucking believe. Man, thank God I checked my fucking Instagram that day. And gone is the fucking date of the narcissist. You know that thing that, that's where the blue tick is important? Is that like, that wouldn't have been on your radar at all

that it was him if it wasn't a blue tick. You know how few thought you could buy a blue tick for $8? Aye. That's where you just ignore that message from fucking David Schwimmer. Aye. Thank fucking... I still find it quite funny what Elon Musk's saying though like he's fucking

honestly he's he's running like a bull in a china shop and I don't agree with anything that he's saying but I'm quite enjoying witnessing it

House was 2004 aye what was the other one Yard now that was now that oh no Casualty

Casualty Gave the Way Trailblazer Casualty Casually Gave the Way Trailblazer Casually I'm going to try and do the tune but like it's impossible to do

because it's like sirens merged together Casualty Casualty now I'm doing Airwolf Casualty Casualty we're not going to do

a fucking mashup of Casualty and Airwolf is that not what other people want I was doing Indiana Jones Casualty Casualty

Casualty there's actually no show oh do that they haven't tried you're not a Casualty denier are you

look I've said once before I'll say it again. I don't think Princess Diana's dead. Or hope it happened. She's been casualty the whole time. 1986 casualty? Of course it is, aye.

It didn't pave the way. There were doctor shows in America before that. You wouldn't have American Pie without Grange Hill. That's all I'm saying. I honestly thought you were going to be like, you wouldn't have American Pie without Cottage Hill. That's all I'm saying. I honestly thought you were going to be like, you wouldn't have American Pie without Cottage Pie. They know where they came from. Porkies, Grange Hill, American Pie.

And the Bush Picks. So that was your piss thing. It was a different colour. Don't say it like that. That took up 26 fucking minutes how fucking dare you how fucking dare you that's as if that wasn't

a very fruitful branch of a comedy tree that was such a funny way to bring it back only because you were caught on camera oh there's something I didn't know

sorry I didn't see you there here's a moment of honesty I don't know if you ever get this I don't know if this is a moment of honesty I didn't know. Sorry I didn't see you there. Here's a moment of honesty. I don't know if you ever get this. I don't know if this is my... A moment of honesty. I don't know if this is my narcissism. I don't know if this is my fucking ego.

I don't know if this is a common thing. And that's the good thing about comedy. The reason I think people laugh at it is you have these thoughts in your heads and then... All your head. All that heads. Black hair on your nose. Deal with that that by the way

comedy is somebody says a thought that you had in your head that you didn't know was there and they make it coherent they they put they phrase in a way and you're like oh god i always you know i actually believe that i've been feeling that but I haven't articulated it yet. Thanks for articulating it for us. So with this next thought, I don't know if this is, because so many times I have thoughts and I'm like, I don't know if people agree with this

and then they laugh and they do, but this is one of the ones I'm like, or is this just your big, stinking fat ego sloss? Sometimes. And I think it's because I watched The Truman Show when I was like nine years old

I get, I don't want to call it paranoia and I don't want to call it anxiety but I just get in my head, I'm like man if you were on camera like if people were watching this in the way that they watch the internet and everything and all of this was like you trying to come across as your best self

how would you act in those moments? And I always find myself being way better in those moments. I've got a taxi driver today who, man, he picked me up from the O2 Apollo in Manchester. You live your life like you are being followed with a camera. No, no, no, no, no. He picked me up from the O2 Apollo in Manchester

and drove me to the Malmaison in Manchester, which is across from Piccadilly train station. It is a straight line and it's two of the many landmarks on Manchester and he's the taxi driver in Manchester and he does not know where we're going. He's like, the Malmaison?

I'm like, of course, from Piccadilly station. And he's like, I don't know where that is. And I'm like, oh, buddy, I don't know what to tell you. But surely you've done a job at a train station before. Yeah, like, this isn't your first time. And, man, he's an older guy. He's clear. And as much as,

like, all I want to do, man, I've come off stage and I've smoked a spliff. All I want to do is lose myself on my phone for 10 minutes so I can get my break. I know you're giving someone

directions in a city that they work in as a taxi driver. And you know what? He's having banter and on the way. But just use your fucking app, man. Just put Google on.

Oh, he did. He did. But he was like, use your fucking app man just put Google on oh he did he did but he was like is that the right map he's on is that the right thing he was telling me

all these streets so you had to go on the Google drive to find out the fucking schedule and it's not there it's just this piccadilly

so I've got to go into the Google maps and try and find out what the fucking sub streets off of this and the whole time I'm like

and on the way to the fucking train station today you know how a bitch about Irish taxi drivers thinking they've got a god granted they've got the crack

so they're going to sell the crack I had this lovely Scottish taxi driver today who just spoke to me the entire time

and I just fucking surrendered to it but I was annoyed on the train but I get off stage the Manchester gigs tonight was exceptional we'll talk about it

in a second then we'll fuck off come out I've had a couple of drinks smoke a fucking spliff get in the cab and all I want to do is be on my phone

and this guy is just like I'm to the point where I'm like this could be a hidden prank show hi do you want a drink I've just

I've just got to have a sip of water but then I'm like tongue sticking to your palate but just like I'm being put in a situation where

you've been tested and also people I wouldn't agree with them if they fucking lashed out but I don't agree

with people who'd lash out in that situation so I don't get to be the person who lashes out in that situation so what I then

found out doing because that's where I wanted to go just hard U turning and being like man you know what I will look at the other streets and I'll find out where we'returning and being like, man, you know what? I will look at the other streets

and I'll find out where we're going. And then fucking, and I'm like, you know what? Just drop me off as close to Piccadilly Station as you can. This motherfucker dropped me off five minutes down that road and I still doubled his dip. Like he was like, it's five pounds. And I was like, Here's a tenner Thanks for doing

65% of the job You got us in the other runway And you spoilt the journey But you're still tipped But Here's my question to you And it's a question of morality Does that make me a good person?

What that you were doing it because You were doing it for TV No no no To paraphrase me. Does the, if we ignore the reasons. Or, no, no, that is the question. Do the reasons, the fact that I was doing it for narcissistic reasons, outweigh the fact that what happened was

somebody didn't do a good version of their job, I accepted that fully. Cut them some slack. Cut them some slack and then doubled their wages. But you only did it because you felt like you were being watched and judged

what you were doing right now was being religious you're pitching it as TV cameras and people and the world's watching but you're being

like you're having Catholic guilt hold on no no no no television can't be my god you've read fame can't be my god you've read you can't be my god you've read no no no

you've read matthew perry's book the man from tv talking about god no i don't think it's that i think i think you got closer earlier on where he was just like oh god don't say fame's my religion aye no no no fame that, that's the thing. No, no, no, fame's not the correct word. But perception. Aye. Perception's my God. That's you being witnessed by the world. That's what God is.

It's the fucking omnipotent. Everybody's watching. And if you're famous, you feel like everybody's watching. Aye, aye, aye, aye. God might know everything, but society categorically does not. We are the world's eyes and ears, and we're witnessing it.

We are. I think we're getting too philosophical here. We are. A life mentality. People are pulling into their driveway, being like, you know what, I don't need to listen to the next five minutes. Putting the hosepipe on the exhaust,

feeding through the window, putting the garage door down, and they're just drifting off to a lake. They usually do, but they're staying forever. Guys, and we've got to tell you, stop buying electric cars to do that. Yeah. You keep coming up to us with silly frizzy hair.

The Manchester giggles class. Oh, and this is a And we'll end this fucking Not quite But we'll talk about this And then we'll fuck off It's I don't know how you felt

About the fucking Balkans trip Right But it was The first time we've ever Gone to the Balkans In the Earlier stages of the tour

When we haven't figured out How to do a show abroad yet Yeah So like People are hearing it In a second language Like it's only just working in the UK so like say for instance in my set I've got a reference to like ASL and then I hit on the popular fucking Facebook trope of like it's just me and the kids from now on yes yeah cultural cut British English anglo-centric I anglo-centric references in your day in them in Estonia

because you don't want to patronise them and assume they don't know it. They might understand, yes. Aye, aye, aye. When you did the Geordie Shore joke, they got that one, like you can't underestimate. You have to go out

on the first couple of gigs your day in Europe. And try everything. And just see what happens. Don't underestimate it. Don't second guess them. And also you have to do it two or three more times

because it might just be that city here's the thing like fucking Sweden is very different to Spain Portugal is very different to Latvia one of mine was about

doing the lateral flow test at home right and Lewis came to us afterwards just going heads up didn't call it lateral flow test and we didn't get them

delivered to the house I know he's did that over in the UK but like people had to go out to the car parks to get them or whatever right and he just filled us in

and then you come in the next day and just go oh so the COVID tests we got them sent to a house in an envelope and fucking had to do them at home

boom straight into the bed without confusing them or building them the only way you can find that out is fucking get out of the trenches so I think

for both of us the Balkans and this is always counterweighted by the fact that even if you're having a bad gig in these countries because they're so excited that you're out there, the energy is still the fucking same because they'll laugh at everything.

And there's enough people in the audience that get your references that the stuff that isn't understood by the masses doesn't bomb. It still gets you a laugh. And man, to be conscious of how you are talking, to be conscious of how your diction is and to be conscious of your choice of words

while you're on stage... While still trying to recover from an edible. ...isn't the same as being in a place where people understand all your fucking lexicon, all your fucking turns of phrases, and even if you're slightly drunk, you can slur a bit, they'll all still fucking understand it

because they grew up in the UK and all of their parents are fucking drunks. And they've heard our accents a million times, they get it. So to go from those shows in the balkans where it was running at fucking 90 minutes and i'm like fucking vintage sloss you write a fucking 65 minute show and then you go on tour and you love the sound of your voice so fucking much they guess i make everything more wordy than it needs to be so you're so smarter and then i get to the balkans and i'm like well the reason it's taking

so long here is because I'm slowing everything down and I'm learning the fucking language man I didn't even do my full set tonight

and I did a hundred an hour and 45 minutes did you oh that was like at pace as well no no

there was some funny audience interactions but it was man it was just me being having the full fucking freedom of it and also the fact that man i didn't gig for four fucking days i got to sing and dance christmas songs with my son and i felt true and bridal joy and then today i took a three-hour train trip to then walk on stage instead like compared to all of our previous tours like shows like today

not just respect and love to the people of Manchester for especially at a stage in our career where we've gone from playing the Salford Keys to the O2 Apollo yeah

that's our first time in our fucking the Lowry the Lowry yeah yeah now it's the O2 Apollo so there's so many

there's so many things exciting about it but to go from that to the next level of like that genuinely just being like the fun the most fun I've had on fucking stage yeah uh and then you because there were so many people who after the show tonight because you fucked off i went to the frog and book i think i just

was like i'm in manchester there's a fucking club over there i can double up because there was people who met afterwards they're like where's kai and i'm like he's got another gig and they were like after this and i'm like oh you good point uh yeah strange man it's like going to get a fucking time massage after consummating your marriage it was uh there's no disrespect to the fucking bucket that's just a huge compliment to the fact that it's the fucking manchester it's a good it's a good gig and it's lively and jonathan mell was hosting so the place was energetic right and i went on and i was like this is a completely different set of tools what you're gasping for uh so i went on stage and fucking it's it's a it's a club gig on a fucking Saturday, Friday night.

On a Friday night, everyone's drunk. Man, your audiences are so fucking focused. And well-behaved. They're so focused and well-behaved that I went in and like, this is like a good club on a good night. And I was like, oh, this is a different set of tools. I've come with my tools from the other gig. Like, no, it went wrong. I fucking, like, I knew what I was doing and then I've come with my tools from the other gig. Now it went wrong.

I knew what I was doing, and then I went on. The fucking gig's smashed. But the realisation that I'm like, if I leave a pregnant pause between that feed lane and that punch lane, fucking drunk cut over there is going to think he's funnier than me

and he's going to fill it. Yeah, because even though 98% of the area is paying attention, there's still always just some drunk who's looking the other way, and then we'll find the moment of silence. So you fucking fill the gaps. Fill the gaps.

They're not going to get a fucking credit card between fucking one line and the next. I've got the fucking stage. I've got the mic. And then you start getting in it all and you fucking come back to everything and then you're doing bits and you're like, you know what?

This bit that I'm about to do is maybe a bit like, and this is fucking rich coming from me, like maybe it's a bit too intelligent for drunk as fuck people so like you're going right I'm going to

take that bit out and just get straight to that bit and you just start fucking rerouting all your gear in front of you and then you come in and you're like right I'm going to be

a bit short here so I'm going to have to end on something different than I would have ended on you put it in and the gig's belter like fucking beginning to end

the gig was mint but I was like oh shit I just had to do my job I had to work like I've never had to work in a while man I truly fucking feel like as a comedian like man if you join the army 99 times out of 100 you start fucking recruit they train you up you're gonna go fucking war you can I'll fucking do this i mean i don't know how if this is how the army works but in my head in the movies i've watched and then you might make

your way up to when you're 50 you're a general because you've seen enough battles but the generals never lead the front line they're never in the trenches because they've got to be back because they've got all the extra knowledge but but if they are you best remember quick how you did because there's guns going on i am i am a fucking 78 year old general who was asked to retire 15 years ago but because of my decorated career i'm just like because without it you've got nothing else what am i gonna go spend time with my wife so it's like because i mean in our group when we talk about fucking gigs and stuff and people are posting you know like man the game the game of comedy which is you man you have to go on and at comedy clubs and consistently just try and be the best because that's the only way to further your career to be at this point where

i'm so very privileged and fortunate and grateful for the fact that I just have this audience. God, I'm fucking lazy. You still have it though, surely. Could you get them back and take the frog and book out and have like, you know what, there are people on a night out,

they didn't see a lot of comedy, but they're here having fun, they're on a stag do or whatever, right? And then you're going on and they're looking at you for you to make a laugh but they don't get the thing in that you've got to

listen and have attention spans and shit couldn't you not go on and just make them people laugh I mean I couldn't just go on

if you were to give me a fucking week's warning which I guess I would for being booked on a gig I guess I could fucking look through

my stuff and be like yeah now that it's not people who worship me, I guess I could shorten this 45 minutes down to 10. It's like, there's still this fizzing energy in the room that you can harness, and if you harness it, it feels class.

Because you feel skillful in a way. Man, to me, it's like you're one of these people, you're like, I'm a gladiator, and I never feel more alive than when I'm in that combat arena and people stab me. And I'm like a retired general, and I'm like, have you ever tried not being stabbed?

Have you ever tried being on a beach when nobody's trying to murder you within the next... Like, don't get me wrong, I bet you feel alive, but buddy, you know this isn't just it right it's such a thing where like you know at the end of one of them

like you know at the end of one of your gigs right like people go oh I wonder who that lad was at the beginning fucking I'll look him up and go on socials

and they'll be interested in you and that's like how you develop a following but other people are like that was Daniel when he was sober at the start of the gig like that was

it was such a long show that he physically aged in front of it I swear if you got on at a club gig, you could have the gig of your life. You could make everybody's night. You could get people who are out on a date late, right? People are going to wake up in the morning and,

oh, that Geordie lad was good. Nobody's following up on finding it. What was his name again? I think it was Anton Deck. Anton Deck, that was him we're going to wrap this up that was a that was a podcast

aye also oh no no we don't want to talk about that thank you for tuning in to which let's be honest man if you didn't like this episode don't you fucking

it's not for you don't subscribe to Patreon we have a Patreon aye but if you it's not for you if you were like what a bunch of stupid shit then ignore all of our plugs It's not for you. Don't subscribe to Patreon. We have a Patreon. It's not for you. But if you were like,

what a bunch of stupid shit, then ignore all of our plugs. Can't give a one star. Here's other things that I recommend if you didn't enjoy this. Killing yourself. No. I would recommend, what podcast have I actually enjoyed recently?

I really enjoyed the High Performance podcast, chatting to like, I watched the Eddie Howard one first then I watched Robert Van Persie then Alex Scott was this a football one aye but about like

psychology of reaching like peak performance amongst athletes it's not all footballers but I went to and watched some footballer ones I read Rob Delaney's book

A Heart That Works which is a brutal read so beautifully written but oh you know what it's about you know Rob Delaney comedian I've never met him

but you know all of him his third son Henry at two years old got a brain tumour and then like died of it oh it got written nine months old

and then died of it within a year and Rob was amazing in the sense that like he was very public with his grief like I remember like a year

like this might help people a lot of people oh man he went on one of the best interviews you'll ever see of any comedian talking to any comedian is Russ Iwer

talking to Rob Delaney on Russ Iwer's I think it was Good News Week I forget the name of the show wrong I apologise but it was

I mean it was when I say shortly I think a year and Rob was just very very open he's like this is the worst this is the worst thing

I've ever fucking been through but this happens and it's common and here's how I'm fucking dealing with it the book is a bit more in depth

than that and as a new dad oh fucking nightmare just just the most but no no

but here's the thing my mum I always remember after Josie died you could ask my dad what date Josie dies and he probably

wouldn't be able to tell you dad's just like memory's delayed get that out of my fucking head worst day of my life don't want to remember mum is like

stare down the fucking head of the like stare down the fucking head of the like stare into the eyes of the lion that's about to kill you like when Josie died

she would be ironing and watching the HSS of Josie growing up Josie being a kid and just sobbing and

just and I'm like surely this can't be good for you and she was just like this is the best for me like this is Rob's more that

Rob's more like my grief is the worst thing i've ever fucking been through but here's the thing i can embrace it i'm not i'm not hiding whether i'm fucking sidling up next to fucking living with it well yeah i'm just very open about like if you ask me how i'm doing the answer is absolutely fucking terrible and every oh it's look if you're able to summon that type of book, it's a really important read and it's very funny. And.

But maybe it's not a good book for a new dad. Oh, no, no, man. Nightmares and a half. Fuck. So on that note.

Hi. Enjoy. Thanks. enjoy thanks