Sloss and Humphries On The Road - 5.9: The Darndest Thing

Episode Date: November 30, 2022

Not so fresh from a friend and loving patron's wedding Cream and B-B-Baldy resent Kai for doing mans work while they whinge. We discover we've all been sexually harassing Cullen and have no desire to stop.

hello listeners Patreon and otherwise thank you very much for giving us your money if you do, if you don't give us your money not thank you for that, you waste of space thank you for tuning in again if you feel bad about not giving me money because maybe you're like, hey, you know what

I don't like kind of getting any of the money that's a valid opinion that's your opinion and you're like, the reason I'm not doing Patreon is because I do not want that fucking lazy Geordie piece of shit to get a scrap of my good hard-earned cash that's purely designated for Daniel Sloss. If only there was some way I could directly give my money to Daniel Sloss without that fucking clinger on taking what he thinks is due. I've got a special coming out, socio. It's from fucking ages ago

but it's finally out it didn't come out for reasons and here we are, it's a five hour it'll be out on the 9th of December, you can buy that this episode is not me and Kai because he's a lazy piece of shit it's me and Cullen and obviously we were not confident

because we are hungover you're going to listen to the first five minutes of the podcast and be like, maybe I'll not listen to the rest of this because we are clearly not putting any effort in. But then I think,

I think that leads to some just very natural and funny conversation. But then again, we were also both high so maybe that's, I mean, but mind you,

people did like that kind of episode when we were both stoned off our tits. So, I mean, you people have no taste. It's impossible to fucking know what you're going to enjoy. So enjoy this, you tasteless fucks. They said it can't be done Are we in the same seat? That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss

Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? I absolutely cannot be fucked with this podcast I can't I can't emphasise how little I give a How human Gareth was with me on the train.

He was like, I have to do a podcast. And he went, oh, no. And we all have to do... It's Kai's fault. It's Kai. Kai is making us do a podcast today because he has to watch real men put down floors in his wife's business.

Aye. I am glad he's not doing it himself with that fucking eye. It'll be all over the place. He's fucking turning it himself with that fucking eye. It'll be all over the place. Fucking turn that into ceiling titles. Bong-eyed fuck. Are you still allowed to make fun of the bong-eyed? I feel it's like, I feel like they're like the bald. It's like having a, yeah. It's like a disability, but like it's not really. Grow up.

I think bald's not a disability. I think it is is Is that another thing That happened a while ago The new thing Like it's Sexual harassment Or is that it No they have

Like all these Bald men They have bald men's rights They have some Bald men's rights group Going on Like when you can't Just be

Giving out about us Bald men I think it's the saddest Thing I've ever seen In the world It is such a Saddest thing And they're all

White guys too Aye Because black people Look good bald man Like black men Really They smash it Aye world. That is the saddest thing. And they're all white guys too. Black people look good bald, man. Black men really... They smash it. It's nice. But it does look... Midlife crisis like when it's on a... I look like I crawled out of the fucking Fukushima reactor.

There's a difference. Calling a man bald is sex-related harassment. Sex-related harassment? All right, okay. Sorry, I meant sex gender-wise. I go, what the fuck has sex got to do with it? Right, okay, right.

So it's a gender thing because they're saying, like, you know, you're not going to be bald if you're a woman? Yeah. Well, yeah. I don't think that's fair. I think that's fair. Like, say if you have one leg shorter than the other, I feel like that's fair game.

If there's a woman with If there's a woman Going through chemotherapy And you're like Baldi She can't She can't be going to HR Being like

I'm being sexually harassed No no You're being bullied And it's awful But come on now Come on now toots It's hard like sexual harassment Come on toots

Soothe that energy Would you just call me Listen doll We here at HR Take your complaint seriously Hunt Aye But if you could Two questions that I've got to Ask before I take this Listen doll We here at HR Take your complaint seriously Hunt But if you could Two questions that I've got to ask

Before I take this further up the ladder Is it your time of the month That would be the funniest thing in the world A mad sexist HR Human resources manager You skirts around the office It's got to have happened There's no way that's not happened

Absolute power corrupts absolutely I totally agree There's no way that's not happened, man. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Yeah, I totally agree. There's no chance a HR person hasn't said this. I'm not saying it's most HR people, but I am saying it's not none. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not never happened. Yeah, yeah. You reckon that HR people would be like,

it's actually way worse because that's the person you're... I know, which is why it's funny. It's so funny. In that's the person you I know Which is why Which is why it's funny It's so funny In a sketch It would be Top tier It's like Hey look

It's just the most wrong It's you know It's funny Not a lot of lads Ever come in and complain People are like Oh it's really offensive You're like

It's actually a commentary It's actually a social commentary So if it's offensive It's not actually me That's offensive It's the truth I use that as a defence Often whenever I just say

Something petulant And childish about the world. I have a joke about fucking trans people and people go, before the punchline, and the punchline's pro-trans. Do you know that kind of thing? I always hear it in the crowd and I'm like, you calm down,

you just wait, just wait seven seconds and then you'll all like me, love me. People like the fucking drama. You're not hungover though Just now are you No I stopped drinking

When I left just Ike Because you were doing Your I was doing Your fucking Jesus Christ What happened there

Oh fucking Michael J Fox It is It is an absolute wire Mess Over there Like I Kai definitely thinks

I'm a scruff And that's because I'm a scruff and that's because I'm a scruff. But you're also a scruff. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you see,

like, I get it and it looks real nice if you get, like, those wire cable things that connect everything, but who has a fucking time?

It's autistic, man. It does. Which is fine, which is fine. I'm just, you know, I just don't have that drive.

I don't. It's just not me Yeah It's okay Pete Hobbs has a really good bit About how he doesn't make his bed And he's like What do you

Because I don't make my bed I'm not an alcoholic I don't need structure That was like Jordan Peterson's Big thing at the start wasn't it Oh yeah It always keeps your room tidy Because otherwise

Your mum slash Your wife Won't love you Or some shit like that I don't know And look at him Two years later He's had tears

And crying He always gets Crying about really vague things You don't really know What he's crying about He gets Men He can't even

People don't even He also He gets so lonely I cannot believe Like it's been pointed out That he sounds like No Mickey Mouse Oh I heard Kermit the Frog.

But Ben, I can't believe nobody's pointed out Ben Shapiro. Bring up a clip of Ben Shapiro. Ben Shapiro sounds like Professor Frank from The Simpsons. Really? It's the darndest thing and nobody else is talking about it. It's the darndest thing,

man. It's the darndest thing. I couldn't let it go. I loved it. I loved it. I'm not actually complaining. I hope you bring it in. I'm bringing it back. It's the darndest thing, man. Only rootin' tootin'. Rootin' tootin'. Darndest thing.

You sound like Ed Shapiro. Sounds like Professor Fink. I tell y'all, it's the darndest thing. This is going to blow y'all socks off Alright Rodeo Joe let's do this Hi my name's Benji P It's like really that high pitched

It's so dweeby It's so funny that People view him as a bully when he's just The most easily Bulliable person in the entire world I feel like I watch a lot I see a lot of tweets about him and read things about him that people view him as a bully when he's just the most easily bullyable person in the entire world. I see a lot of tweets about him and read things about him but I can't remember the last time I watched it.

Was it right on the board? Ben Shapiro, you're followed by millions of people online for different ideas. The monolithic nature of the United States media is pretty evident in terms of its politics. People tend to agree on essentially the liberal point of view and increasingly a leftist point of view.

It's through the nose, but it's not nasally. He's a fucking... Fucking abused by a guy who sounds like a beaver. It's him Jesus Christ it is I'll never not hear that, I like that now That really ruins it When someone points out your voice It's all over

It's like calling the teacher mum in school Time to move or kill yourself It's all over Have you. It's like calling the teacher mum in school. Like, time to move or kill yourself, sweetheart. It's all over. Have you done that before? Absolutely, I did. This is how you ingrain and traumatise it into my brain. This is our primary four. Last week in Morrison's.

I accidentally called my mum teacher. That was during sex. Disgusting. Oh, here we go again Just because me and my family love each other I literally have that joke Did it last night at the store Close enough

No no it's not the same is it Sex with your teachers a lot is cool You're just dropping it You were doing the store last night You dropped it in You started it dropping and they were doing the store last night Jesus Christ you dropped it in you dropped it in you started it that's actually a very fun thing to do

bring up somebody's achievement and then act like they brought it up congratulations on the award keep going on about it it was very funny do you talk about anything else apart from the store I've been there once a war I don't know I've been there once a while

walking a while I don't know why I did that I did I was hoping nobody would say shit because it came out in my head

oh man speaking of that like sorry there's a I had to fucking watch my special that's coming out so Jesus here I am talking about my own achievements

and there's one more I didn't want to edit it because I couldn't watch the show because I hate watching I hate watching myself I hate watching you too we have so much in common um it was there's one bit in it where i just stutter while talking to a guy and she's not edited out and i man it's me doing a woody woodpecker impression what was your name like it's the and i'm like how did you not pick up at us? So there you go, a little fucking Easter egg.

Sorry, so you and Waugh. No, Waugh came to, I was off stage, and this guy came in and went, is there a Gareth here? There's a Gareth here looking for you? And I go, aye, aye, it's Gareth, sorry. So I ran out to get him, and Gareth came down, and he went, that was real awkward.

I was outside, and I go, well, Ryan Cullen's on here. I'm just coming in with Ryan. And then the guy went on to his, you know, he goes goes is there a Ryan Cullen on because yeah no there's no Ryan on and Gareth was like I'm pretty sure he's on and then apparently he went bald Irish guy and I was like these cunts are ripping me left right and center outside I mean how else would you expect yourself to be described just Just a voice of a generation. Something realistic. The nation's sweetheart.

The nation's sweetheart, yeah. So then what came in? Yes, but they were roasting me outside. Who would you say is an Irish national treasure? An Irish national treasure? Oh, fucking hell. We have Dustin the turkey. I'm sorry, what?

We have the turkey. I'm sorry, what? We have the Turkey. What are you talking about? I brought it. I even chatted to Elliot as well the last day. Like, we have Dustin the Turkey. You can keep saying it over and over again. I don't want to. I need you to add more.

So, Dustin the Turkey used to be an Irish, like, children's fucking, like, you know, you watch the den. Yeah, it's just a There's a puppet of a Turkey It was a puppet It wasn't even a real turkey A puppet of a turkey

Yeah it's not a real turkey And then And then What happened Oh is it Oh right Sorry sorry I'm the mental one

Because it would be a real It's all And that's not the mental part The mental part's coming There is it Right So it was a puppet of a turkey But you know the way

Like we kept We kept winning the Eurovision So it was becoming too expensive to host. It was like the record time, and then we just started purposely tanking it. Is that true? Yeah, yeah. We sent in Dustin, the turkey, to represent us recently, and it was like a proper farce. Oh, I think I do.

Show me a picture of him. He's got, yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ, what's wrong with his fucking nose? It's a fucking, it's a turkey. It doesn't really look like a turkey, does it? No, it looks like a giant bulbous cock on his nose. Photo nose. He's like the Irish Alf.

There you go. Yeah, I suppose. Who else do we have? Chanel O'Connor. Oh, she's gone a little bit doodlally. Yeah, everything that happens to her is so tragic. It's genuinely depressing. Every time there's, oh, there's a new story,

and you're like, oh, fucking son's killed himself, and I'm just like, Jesus Christ. Oh, things need to stop happening. She was the first cancellation. Oh, yeah, because she went. She tore up the picture of the Pope on Saturday Night Live in the early 90s. I did know that.

And everybody fucking just Because they were worried that it was voodoo And they thought the Pope was just going to fucking disintegrate Torn to pieces, mid-air, totally touched There was a comic last night The darndest thing The darndest thing, he believes in voodoo Who believes in voodoo?

There was a comic last night in the store And he was just like, voodoo is real. I've seen it happen. And then, give us an example. He was like, none. Very funny guy, but Jesus, that was very funny. He was like, it happens. I've seen it happen.

That's how people win elections. That's like, oh, Jesus Christ. That's like your friend who genuinely believes in mermaids. Oh, aye, aye. Yeah, you're looking at me, yeah. Manuel me yeah Manuel yeah I'll out him Manuel Adama Believes in mermaids yeah he's really into it That's why he won't explain this Pointing at the webs in his finger explain this

I must get back to him I wonder if he's still I wonder if he's moved on Oh it'll be something to do with Covid now Like I guarantee No I don't know if it would be Because I have been with him, the thing, he didn't,

he didn't crack like that way. I think he'd only crack if it was something like, Area 51 maybe, that level, but not, not his actual day to day. There's a, I find it so,

like, I believe in aliens in the sense that I, like, I think it's statistically impossible for there not to be, yeah, life out there on some level. I don't think we'll ever meet it or it'll ever fucking see us. But see people that genuinely believe in everything.

There was a guy on Joe Rogan's podcast. Elliot made me fucking listen to it. This guy just went on and just told up this made-up story. He was like, I was a scientist at area 51 and they brought us into all these. And he just tells a story that's just not true. Mind you, have you seen the, the fucking,

the one that was released? I think it was like after 50 years, I don't know how many years they have to release footage. And they've got that, like that legit, like air force guy from America. for the plane or some shit? Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Like, that's the only one where I've gone, all right, okay. Well, there's that one as well

where the aliens walk amongst you. That's another comic that keeps telling me that this is real. Oh, what, they're just like shapeshifters? Yeah,

there's like, they look like Nordic people or aliens. They're not really humans. I mean, have you met many Norwegian people? They aren't quite, like, it does feel like they just, like, learned how to be human a couple of days ago.

There's something almost insect-like about them. There's someone not Norwegian at our table at the wedding. Yes, yes. There you go. Fuck it. I was like, have I met a Norwegian? I went, yes, yesterday. Very pixie-like.

Pixie-like. Pixie-like. Big pixie head nerds. No, I meant the Norwegians in general. But yes, also, you know, they're very pixie. I don't know if any of this is racial slurs against Norwegian people. Imagine that, pixie head nerd. You can't call them that. In their country, it is the biggest insult.

That's their N-word. Bunch of fucking elf. They are elf-like creatures. Yeah, yeah. The Norwegians. Yeah, there's that, man. You can't be... Halland is an alien. Thank you. Oh, the guy that wasn't.

No, he's got some bug eyes, man. He's got that... Our centre tagging filters always have bug eyes. That's true, or attacking me our centre attacking fielders always have bug eyes so they can see more of the pitch that's it this is it

hi well wait Menzo Menzo Menzo Ozil's eyes I know he was a professional football

player but like is that like a we calling that disability his eyes are just far apart it's fine we're allowed to do

that he's not going he can put the full shaver in between Not as visible His eyes are just far apart Right okay It's fine We're allowed to do that He's not going He's not going to pay a parking He can put the full Shaver In between Just runs it down Ah

How convenient They made it just the right size For the space in my Custom made glasses Oh so far apart Yeah Just goggles Swimming goggles

He would look Very funny With his swimming goggles on. Who was that fucking footballer they always wore? Davids? Yes, Edgar Davids. Edgar Davids. Played for Barnet.

He also took part in one of those charity matches every year, the soccer race that goes on with celebrities versus professional footballers and whatnot. He was in it. And who's Robbie Williams' mate that's always in those things? And he's literally only famous for being Robbie Williams' mate that's always in those things and he's literally only famous for being Robbie Williams' mate? Jack, Google Robbie Williams' mate

and I guarantee it'll be whoever Fucking Olly Moores? No, no. Axel, just a mate? No, I think he's also like some sort of singer Jonathan Willock? That's exactly it! That's exactly him That's exactly him

I told you Robbie Williams Try this Try it in Daniel Sloss' mate See if it's Kai If it's Kai Yeah I'm going to

Yeah See this He may as well just stay in the dog centre Because he's not coming back Nothing I've got no friends It's an Instagram post Is the closest.

And it says you with your poster. Oh my god, that is, well that's very telling. Just me and my massive ego are my friends. You and my friends. So we went to Sid and, no we didn't. We went to Rooney's wedding. I always say Sid and Rooney.

You know, interesting because we're going to get into this because we had a lot of Back and forth But I did this In front of everyone Because I also Everyone just puts them In a geo

And I said Sid and Rooney And you all went Oh you mad racist And I was like You joking So So the fucking nerve Of you to open this

Love it man It's called Accusing people Of something That they're absolutely Not being It's Just Somebody says something Completely not honest And you're like You fucking racist Piece of shit Love it, man. Accusing people of something that they're absolutely not being. It's just,

somebody says something completely different, and you're like, you fucking racist piece of shit. You fucking homophobic, transphobic. I'm telling you, the Norwegians, look, I've slagged off Finland at some point in my, I think when I was on Twitch,

I slagged off Finland for a bit. Somebody asked me about the Nordic countries And I just know there was one TikTok I can't remember You that showed me or Matthew showed it to me Just like 3 million people have watched this It's just me making fun of Finnish people So I feel like now it's only fair

That I go after The Danes The Danes They want to be part of it, but they're not really. No, I'm one of the start of the Swedes. I had sex with so many Swedish people in my twenties.

You had sex with so many Swedes. Oh, so many. This is the weirdest humblebrag. Not a humblebrag, man. Shagged a whole bunch of them. We were on the, I just did a lot of touring there. And you just thought,

what, what, what, what? Man, man, it's, no,

no, not at all, man. It was when I, it was when I was like, I truly got on board the feminist train because it like

it was the most feminist country of the time and man birds just chat you up over there like I

I mean I've talked about this especially a girl literally said to me she said what do I have to say to get you to fuck me

and that was like one of her opening lines to me and I was like that yeah that's all that takes just let me

you know and that happened several times and like there was I tied my bag to the car and I was like can I get your number afterwards and she was like That Yeah That's all that takes Just let me You know And that happened Several times And there was A time I banged the car And I was like Can I get your number Afterward

And she was like Why That's hilarious Like I don't Yeah Like I don't Live here That was fun

Thank you See you later Thanks for Thanks for the Orgasm in the story Good luck with the career Sayonara Loved it.

Oh, yeah. So I'll not go after Swedes. Okay. I bagged a bunch of Norwegians too, which I wouldn't say. Now you've went back to the Norwegians. They're going to get pissed off. Look, those fucking elf,

like northern creatures with their... I'm sorry. You cannot be that consistently good looking without something going on behind the scenes you reckon that's pure genetics not eugenics I reckon that's pure genetics

I reckon in every city in every Swedish city there's like a well that they don't take tourists to and every time there's a kid born and like up to the age of 15 they give everyone puberty but if you're not

at least a 9 I think they break your arms and throw you down the well God what a well Yeah Heaps of sex though It's just ugly sex I think it's not completely natural But they're all... Do you know what I think?

I think it's not... I think it's completely natural. They're all lumberjacks. Do you know how much... What? No, that's Canadian. No, Norwegians are up there. You're telling me Norwegians aren't all lumberjacks?

No, I... Their fucking flag looks like plaid that you would wear as a lumberjack. I mean, what a stretch, I thought... Their fucking flag looks like plaid that you would wear as a lumberjack. I mean, what a stretch, but I... Oh, God. Oh, my God, I fucked up. Well, then all Scottish people are pirates because X marks the spot. No way.

No, listen, they're all lumberjacks, okay? They all have to cut down that shitty tree they have, the Norwegian trees what's wrong with those they're just fucking everywhere and then what happened was like everyone cut them down in like Ireland and Scotland and then they were like oh god we got to replace the trees let's get the cheap ones and it was all Norwegian fucking whatever trees so all our trees in Ireland and Scotland are nearly all Norwegian is that true yeah it is yeah well yeah and they're really shit trees. Well, what shit? They're kind of like Christmassy trees. They're not as great for oxygen.

Coney ones. Yeah, kind of conish. You're Googling now. Imagine it's like, there's no trace of any of this, right? What a weird conspiracy theory you have just come up with. So we were at Rooney and Al's wedding. My fucking god, I what I was just disgustingly drunk. Well, I made an absolute fucking show for myself. Well, oh, because you me got quite high as well I didn't take a single Toke of that

Did you not? I was doing this And I held it in Because we were doing it indoors because we were fucking cool None of the laws apply to me And I was doing it To let it out slowly And fuck me dead

You know when you're It's so visible. Like a fucking choo-choo. I was so drunk that you know... Have you ever just been so drunk where you're hearing yourself talk and you're just going, why am I still talking?

I'm just talking complete and utter fucking bollocks. But for some reason, I just don't have the ability to talk. Because I'm in a complete and utter fucking bollocks but for some reason I just don't have the ability to talk because I'm in a story and I've got momentum and people are listening and you know

when I'm drunk I like that so I'm just talking until somebody else takes the conversation away from me oh god tedious just tedious shit

I had a nightmare when I sat down on the seat because we were all itching for a drink and then when we got we had a hard I didn't because obviously Irish weddings will be the same

And I don't know if this is Generally a cultural thing But Scottish weddings you're drunk Before you get to the wedding You've had a couple of drinks Everyone's got Hit flasks on them It's just the done thing

And then you're in England or you're in Australia and they're like oh no you can have some champagne after the ceremony and you're like

huh? wouldn't that be like three or four? it's a wedding it's a come on it's like a bank holiday it's like an airport time doesn't exist

here I'm allowed to drink any time because it is March because I've got tomorrow off and you know and this is a farce my favourite thing to do

marriage is a farce no no my favourite thing to do is to at weddings when it's like with people who are too genuinely in love

is to just ugh this charade yeah Barry Barry kept doing it at Guy's wedding it was the funniest thing

we just keep going on to Guy and Natalie at different points and just be like So bored Such a boring wedding Oh

Great Oh it's such a good So funny So I had a fucking Great time Aye I had a way too good

Of a time But I sat down Beside a guy You know like We had the plan And his second name Was Beeman Right

Beeman Yeah And I was like When right yeah and i was like when he sat down i was like god i said they said first and gareth i was like god do you guys know who randy beeman is and they were like randy beeman it's such a funny name yeah it's like a it's like a very pg porn star name for a guy So They were like We don't know who Randy Beeman is I was like And I was like right I don't like him

This guy's going to know either But when he says I was like so I better not send him Oh so it's Randy Sorry if this gets back to you Because it didn't really pass out I'm sorry we made fun of you On the podcast

No no no He was fine I might have fooled myself Because when he sat down His name isn't Randy Randy Is a character So I know His name isn't Randy Randy is a character So I know

His name's Tom or something like that I can't remember right But Randy Beeman Is like a little kid in the Animaniacs That used to run outside his door and go Hi my name's Randy Beeman Blah blah blah And he'd tell a mad story

And he goes okay thank you bye bye And just ran back in the house Check if that's true It is Randy Beeman Animaniacs I fucking know I have all the DVDs of every anime Do you ever do Have a weird encyclopedic knowledge Of the Animaniacs I fucking know I have all the DVDs of everything Do you ever do have a weird encyclopedic

Knowledge of the Animaniacs I love it it's my favourite show My mum loved it too How many seasons are there God you love that fact That Steven Spielberg did it You've never heard me say that Are we getting a fucking film buff

I'm a cartoon buff now Just a buff in general Is it true Yeah it's a little dude who runs out You've never heard me say that Are we getting a fucking film buff Jeez oh I'm a cartoon buff now Apparently Just a buff in general Is it true Yeah Yeah it's a little dude Who runs out Why is this cunt called Randy Beeman

No his name is His name is Beeman And I just met a fool in myself When he sat down I was like Do you know anything about Randy Beeman And he just went What

And I went No worry bud Got off on a real back foot Just completely missed him Oh man I like Thank god I probably never have to meet Any of their friends again Because I I disgraced myself Got off on a real back foot. Just completely missed him. Oh man. I like, thank God. I probably never have to meet any of their friends again because I,

I disgraced myself. I was, I left it. I got mullered, mullered. I think we, we left at about half 11. Um,

and like, I didn't go out bad in three hours. You were fucked in fairness. I was, I mean, I was, I was, yeah.

I mean, I was like, man, we, we were the first people At the bar That was true So stereotypical

Like we were The second Like the second As soon as the confetti Was out of my fucking hand We were like We were overtaking Them and they

I'll be like Like oh And Oh yeah Heaps of gin The food was so fucking good Oh yeah yeah Thank god

Thank god we had that fucking meal because oh my god I wouldn't have been I wouldn't have been able to do that show I would have ruined my career if it weren't for that meal it was great

yeah it was and then so they and Cara sobered up during dinner because she doesn't drink beer or wine so like I think she was

I was definitely getting like she was just I mean she was just getting a bit like, all right, you know when you sober up and you're like, let's go.

And I'm like, let's stay for one more drink and then sit down and start talking to her. And the next time I checked my watch, it was like quarter past 11 and we were, we were doing tequila shots.

Cara doesn't do tequila. Yes. Yeah. It was all so stupid. Her first night away from What was his face? Aye Yeah you got it right

I know him I know him But it was good fun We did do a lot of I was doing a lot of shouting During the speeches You grabbed each other's hand Do you remember that?

I don't think so That was very funny a lot of shouting during the speeches you grabbed each other's hand do you remember that? that was sure it wasn't sure the ceremony I think so that was very funny you grabbed Cara's hand and I jumped up that was it

yeah yeah we were doing a reading and I just held her no that was it dinner that was it dinner it was yeah aye and they say

romance is dead you and Cara are toxic I've spoken about it several times on's say i've spoken about it several times on the podcast several times through you on the podcast uh you were at your toxic bitchy worst yeah i don't think it's toxic calling you a stupid shit it's the like the thing about the fucking pair of you is you can honestly you could take a sip of water in front of you. And if the pair of you were just in one of your moods, you'd be like, oh, you having a wee sippy sip there, you fucking prick.

You stupid, thirsty cunt. Oh, fuck. Yeah, can I get it? It's fucking pathetic. It's just, it's like two little rats fighting over, like, oh. We did start outside. It was before the dinner. I can't remember.

I can't remember. She was like, you're back over here. I was like, you're on this team. And I was like, oh, We did start outside. It was before the dinner. I can't remember. I can't remember. She was like, you're back over here. Cara's like, you're on this team. And I'm like, aye, I suppose, aye. Aye. So Al did a speech. And I keep saying, Cara's not saying anything. Or when she doesn't want to do those.

And I just keep winding it up. I'm just like, you never tell me you love me. It's always me saying it. Because I'm very good with words that's not a wordy person because she's thick as okay and it's also never been her love language and whereas i am quite worthy she just doesn't she you know uh that's why i like wondering about that but because you two are both uh for lack of a better word Damaged goods Yeah okay In the family department Yeah You're just I just think

You're so Because you I mean it's definitely Not just you I think there will Obviously be podcast listeners Who also come from Sad homes

Sad homes yeah Yeah yeah yeah Sad Loveless Miserable Just you know You've met my mum Yeah she's

Yeah yeah But okay True or false You've never hug mum Yeah But okay True or false You've never hugged your father No It's so mental And you're the only fucking family that I see doing it all the time And I go this is so creepy

The Brady Bunch I know it's always the Brady Bunch It's so wrong It's not You're just It's so wrong Stupid You're just so repressed

Weird supportive fucking pieces of shit Karen's parents I don't think I've ever said She never said I say I love you to her parents It's so wrong, stupid, weird, supportive fucking pieces of shit. Cara's parents, I don't think I've ever said, like, she never said, I say I love you to her parents more than they say. I reckon I've talked to Eugene once this year. And it was absolutely, perfectly fine. Where yous are all like, ah, giving fucking hugs on the way out. And it's odd. And it's not just me And Cara thinks it's odd

Let's talk about all the broken people we know Mark Nelson, severe depression Gareth Waugh, severe depression You reckon Not severe for Gareth That's not fair He's got like a healthy dose He's got the right amount He's got the a healthy dose He's got the right amount

Yeah he's got the amount that we've all got Which is sometimes it's there Yeah it's reality It's fucking reality I hope that's what I said Undermining other people's mental health problems Also always funny Yeah yeah

All good You were upset that You asked Cara I just want to hear you Give two reasons Why I was like Don't

That's so fucking weird Give me two reasons Why you love me Say it in front of people Be like I like him Because he's got A big dick And a big bag of cash

If those are the things I was just like I don't know Just you know You don't want to hear Why you're loved No I think it's weird I think it's weird To ask for it as well You don't know You don't want to hear why you're loved? No I think it's weird

You don't say I love you in your relationship? Aye I would say loads of times in a relationship You just don't sit there and go Do you know what? I would really like it If you told me the reasons That's what you did It's not like

Listen bitch On our wedding day, the day when we are expressing our love to each other? You know, is that not the one day where, you know, I mean, I'm going to be saying stuff about how much I love her. I want to get your shit back. I'm just playing squash with myself. Yeah, well, look, I figured,

I said that she has to meet you somewhere in the middle, halfway. Maybe one thing. All right, hand you up in the cupboard. Yeah, two words. Two words Nice cop Yeah, that's the one you want I mean, I'd be fine with it Thank you

I think that would ruin the wedding No, no No, it wouldn't, but I hope it will I imagine we're going to say some stupid things In our wedding day But I reckon Like I do No

The main one is the fucking thing you're gripping right now That's where the main The main fucking The main fucking I was giving out about you on this podcast Was it the last time your fucking shoe problem I don't have a shoe problem I've said it before it's like a holocaust museum in there

All our Jordans There were quite a bunch of rich ones But Under macular condition Those shoes They could have jumped the fence. Oh, no. I'm trying to, in my head, I'm trying to make air Tudors work.

It's just, I don't think it's not there right so basically you have now you told me since I was giving out about you buying Jordans going like I've got a new pair you then came and said to me one day goes I've entered a raffle for a pair of Jordans I was like a raffle community centre old woman

what type of raffle right so do you want to tell the woman What type of raffle right So I mean do you want to tell the story No Explain what the raffle part is I'll jump in at every moment Right Okay

So you You know They come out with new snakes New fresh crepes For You don't Never use these words until two weeks You've never used

You know Man it makes Cara dry up so hard I laugh So much It's just So we're talking about me Me dank crepes

Me fresh kicks Fucking hell You know your fucking fresh boot in the head So Some of them come out Obviously they're limited stock They're popular shoes They're more expensive

And you all win No no no I've entered other raffles and not Oned ones I didn't win the Alamania ones The Jordan 4's I mean I'll just buy them on resale But I've also entered

Oh no yeah yeah yeah So you enter the raffle and you give them your credit card details And if you get chosen They go hey you won And they instantly charge you And they send it out And it gives you a little endorphin rush In your head

So you get A little serotonin You get a kick I get a kick from a fresh kick Yeah nice okay I'll give you that one But you're trying to tell me That you win a raffle

And you go You don't win anything though You win the fucking right To pay full price You win the chance I'll give you that one. But you're trying to tell me that you win a raffle and you go, you don't win anything, though. You win the fucking right to pay full price on a... You win the chance, the obligated chance to purchase the shoes. Because you won them. Why would you enter the raffle if you didn't want the shoes? Unless you're an idiot too much. So you wanted them.

Eh! I'm going to bring this. So this is where things got real bad, right? This is where I genuinely Was like I don't know if there's numbers I'm pretty sure I googled Shoe problem people

Right Because Daniel First of all You said You try to defend it By saying I only wear these To the house and back

Which is actually worse Yeah Out to the office and back Or they're my shower shoes And they're Crocs They're very I haven't had no shower shoes Fucking Crocs First of all Obviously Crocs Fucking Crocs, first of all

Obviously Crocs Fucking disgusting What kind of crepes are you wearing right now? Greg's Crocs Greg's Crocs, this family Stanks of fashion They are universally Known as, they're the Ugg boots for lads

They're a total Fucking disaster They're our Louis Vuitton Crocs They're the ug boots for lads They're a total fucking disaster They are like Louis Vuitton crocs They're not even comfortable They are You put them on there They're not as comfortable as regular crocs Do you want me to show the camera

Yes I fucking do Show you the fucking thing Look at Even he's fucking I like clocks but well to be look in my defence it looks like your feet

have melted I was to say to Cara it looks like the like the type of shoe that would be made in like a

1970s sci-fi TV show where they had a very low budget for the costume yeah yeah and like it was everywhere it's like Doctor Who

this is like a lizard man's foot or some sort of aliens yeah I mean they're not great but I won them no you didn't win them you won a fucking raffle somehow I mean I won because what a

sad life that would be somehow there was a raffle for these. Mark Nelson very, very funnily and correctly said, he was like, it's just NFT for dumber people. And I was like, yeah, I mean, in a way, yeah, yeah.

But you paid. But you can't wear that fucking blockchain though, can you? No. Okay, that's fair. But you did pay, you won a raffle and paid 70 quid for them 69 quid

So first of all It was very funny As a comedian I have an obligation To buy anything Priced at 69 quid There's a goal In the 69th minute

Where I was like It's the funniest thing It's the funniest thing 69th minute Or anytime something's 420 You gotta buy it You can sell anything to me You can sell me child porn For 420 qu gotta buy it you can sell anything to me you can sell me child porn

for 420 I wouldn't watch it but I know it's definitely still a crime to buy it though innit what yeah

to buy child porn gotta be illegal are you trying to say like possession of drugs type of situation yeah no man

absolutely yeah when it comes to child porn I'm pretty sure everything involved with it is illegal I mean, that is a fair point I reckon they're not going to be like, oh, you only had it in your back Oh, it's okay As long as they don't catch you with it in the DVD player

No, I only watched it through a mirror, it's like Medusa so it doesn't count I watched it through someone else's window It was there They're the beast I was what You wouldn't even buy it too

Because it's always in hard drives And it's always I can't remember if we spoke about this on the podcast I can't remember if this is somebody else's joke Or if this is just banning It's always insane Insane amounts of porn they have Like a nude

Every time it's on the news It's always insane, insane amounts of porn they have. Like a new... Oh, yeah. Every time it's on the news, it's a different... They're like... The local monster in the area was found with 16 teraharibites. And you're like, what the fuck? Yeah. Was this guy's house just a whole computer? It's like NASA.

There's just entire rooms of hard... Oh, beasts. I don't know. I think you should throw them in the sea. You throw them in the sea? Like, bin Laden? Oh, I think, like, man, I used to... Pre-baby, pre-my child, I was like, man, it's a disease.

And I do believe it's a disease. Like, there's evidence to go out there. Like, it's, you know, brain tumours can affect it and make these things... And I was like, you know, it's sometimes... It comes from, like, abuse themselves. Like, I think they should be locked away. And I think they should never be let out. But, you know, I think sometimes, it comes from, like, abuse themselves. Like, I think they should be locked away, and I think they should never be let out. But, you know, I think we should,

that was kind of my stance before, and now I'm like, just tie rocks to their feet and throw them in the sea. It's not that, hey, it's not your fault you're a pedo, but sorry, man, we just can't, we can't have any of that. Because there's so much of my sister. We can't have any of it, man.

In you go. Today on Controversial Takes, pedophiles are bad yeah my sister works as a fucking child nurse

so brave in it yeah here's my neck on the fucking line paedophiles

not for me yeah not for anyone put them in the sea put them in the sea don't want no

rehab for them aye test things on them test things no that'd be interesting aye send them to the moon but them test things no that'd be interesting aye

send them to the moon but no we should maybe that's that's not a test anything we know what happens they'll die also we're getting

very very close to that fucking brass eye episode where they send the beautiful to space there's one

accidentally trapped on board there's an 8 year old boy stuck inside. This was the worst thing we wanted to have. But the one thing we wanted to avoid, if you've never seen, it's one of the funniest television shows ever created by what Morris Morris Morris. It's it's on. I'm pretty sure most of it's now on YouTube And if not it'll be on Channel 4

Because it's Channel 4 production But they did that special Oh there you go It's one of the funniest Peter Geddon is the special It got the most record amount of complaints In Channel 4 history I'll fucking bet

They had Gary Lineker They're tricking him Into sending text messages Like Baltimore Is a paedophile The bush nearby Starting a campaign Called Nonsense And getting all these

Celebrities to Earnestly be like Hi You know There was a teacher At school Oh no Because he was

Dressed up as a school And just people saying Celebrities saying these things Because they're just so I don't know whether it's I've just been getting away from Sheffield for years God it's the best

yeah so I mean you've got you've got Nike shoes how come you don't have a problem I don't it's because Gareth bought me them

shut up I have also two pairs actually aye and they're like literally I have three pairs of shoes now Oh here we go It's getting bigger every time

It's three pairs Is it four? It's five pairs Well it used to be two shoes Colin I was I was your nickname Yeah Two shoes

And we had So now I have three pairs And two of them are Nike Alright Oh my family loved me Well you've got two shoes What a sad life Yeah

How many shoes do you have now? I want to talk about it That's all we've been talking about Aye aye Look aye I want to know just a ballpark now. Numbers are a man-made

construct. What, shoes in total? Aye. Come on there, fucking Paris Hilton tell us. How many fucking shoes in your little fucking shoe room? You're going to do that MTV Cribs thing where they always get the new 30-year-old millionaire and walk in and it's fucking like, like you know Obie Trice

no gimmicks you know walk in and he's got a little shoe room I cannot deny that there are a bunch of shoes

in that house that belong to me at least you wear them I do wear them rather than those people you know keep them for presenting I'm like

I'd just go to Foot Locker if I wanted to see them yeah yeah yeah people want to because I think a present and I'm like I just go to Foot Locker if I want to see them yeah yeah yeah people are because I think like now that I'm getting heavily into sneak culture don't fucking say that ever again

don't say I'm getting into sneak culture I think it's it's such a it's such a funny thing it's like you're trying to be a ninja it's such a funny thing

that like white people do which is like get into get into things that were not invented by us and then just ruin it

from the inside like a cancer. So jazz and shoes. Like an uncool... Just like uncool cancer where you just wiggle around and just slowly rot it from the inside. So sorry, black people, but I'm here for snakes. Aye. Yeah, we do really do music.

We do. What else? Food. Have you ever been Like What the fuck is English food Our barbecue Compared to like

Like deep southern American barbecue Is so Like it's just Yeah I mean the food's way better So So yeah that's real So basically we're saying

And we can't We've fucked up baldness We said that earlier Oh yeah yeah Yeah It looks stupid compared to Yeah God we're so woke Are we No definitely not And we can't We fucked up baldness We said that earlier Oh yeah yeah Yeah It looks stupid Compared to Yeah God we're so woke

Are we? No definitely not Are we? Because we did also say No I mean I think You called Norris A bunch of pixies

I think Fucking those Magical Left handed beasts I don't trust people With left hands But that That's so funny

That you say that I literally it's Kai thinks it's become my new bit but I mean it kind of has I'm leaning into it

I think they're fucking disgusting man it's weird it is so you've got to sign that and then you go like that and I'm like what are you doing

just fucking learn me your right I get man if we were I bet there's no left handed people in Sweden

I thought you said space no way you think there's no left handed hey they in Sweden. I thought you said space. You think there's no left-handed people in Sweden? Hey, they're doing the ugly well. Sweden's a lot of Nazis in Sweden. What? Sweden's the highest concentration of neo-Nazis, I'm pretty sure, in the world.

It usually has a lot of... I told you the story about that neo-Nazi cell I got into trouble with. What? Neo-Nazi sale? You know, like a sale, like a little group. Oh, a sale. Sorry, I said sale.

Neo-Nazi sale. No, right. Okay, just confederate flags. Right. No, no. Oh, you meant sale like on a ship. No, again, I was like overselling neo-Nazis. Selling a ship.

Yeah. No, it's okay. Please continue your story. We've crossed wires. We've shipped in the night. I mean, kind of saved it. So I told you I used to run a, with my friends,

run a gig when I was like 18. Like a punky reggae night, punky reggae party in a squad. Oh, here we go. Fucking white people. A reggae night, did you? I did, aye. Fucking white boy.

We did. We used to get catchered in and stuff from the pogues. You don't know who that is. But anyway here we go, fucking white people. A reggae night, did you? I did, aye. Fucking white boy. We did. We used to get catchered in that and stuff from the Pogues. You don't know who that is, but anyway. We had, like, but I had, we had to kind of, like, quit because all these neo-Nazis kept, like, people kept asking for Screwdriver. And I was like, I know them. They're, like, a Nazi band. They're in the background of American History X.

It's everyone that they're singing Screwdriver, right? They're an English fascist band, right? So, you know know I told you about the posters when you went to we've seen these kind of like Nazi kind of

posters Swedish guys but you can't you have to pop the posters like that because if you if you drag it down at the top

they have Stanley blades like sellotip on underneath so you'd slice the tips of your fingers so you're pulling down the poster oh fuck

man that's horrible Jesus fuck and I was like 18 you go you know what i'm out yeah yeah i'm not gonna get involved with this they used to because back in the day used to be like what people were saying they would would what fucking trump would call like antifa would basically just any anti-fascist action thing these people like go on my space and pretend to be hot women and get these swedish lads out to meet them in bars and then kick the living fuck out of them class very funny yeah back in the day but anyway swedish they were all swedish and swedish no nazis wow is that have you googled how many yeah there's a lot of a lot of nazis in sweden so i don't know it's the uh alien alien alien plays in it blonde hair blue

eyes you reckon it's just because they're like You know what that was us That could have been us Aye Just either Like No Germany did all the bad stuff

No no Every time Hitler was doing a speech About the Aryan race The Swedes were like This is So embarrassing He's just talking about us This is

I know I know he's a bad guy But I mean he is Obsessed with us Some fucking nerve in him Like the state of him Yeah mad thing

It's just not him Also my history on World War 1 Sorry 2 is not superb How was Sweden involved In World War 2 I know Norway was invaded I know that was fought over a bunch of times. I don't know.

I actually have no fucking clue whatsoever. There's none of it in Band of Brothers, so how would I know? Well, what's the point, eh? Like? Neutral. Neutral. Oh, they weren't,

because Hitler was talking about them. Ah, that's what it is. Not us. Yeah, yeah. Wouldn't it be me? He's like, we we're gonna exterminate a bunch of people oh my god what an

awful man but not blonde hair blue eyed people we think i think they're so good yeah yeah i look guys i don't say i agree

with him but i'm also not saying he's wrong about some things sometimes breached their neutrality in favor of both germany and the

they just chose picked sides oh you fucking dip-dab oh you dip-dabbed i told you they've just it's pixies and nazis man do you do not right so it but you know this neutral thing is the worst thing because ireland were neutral too but when you go neutral you can understand you have to kind of listen here i just want to make sure that you understand that i do some things can come across as a bit I mean everything I'm saying I think you are

Just in case you're You are a bunch of pixie fucking shaggers Just in case Sorry You're a bunch of pixie fucking Oh did you break your little crocs It's designed to do that It's designed to

It's designed to make you look like a spa as well Oh there we go It's designed to do that, Ryan. It's designed to... It's designed to make you look like a spa as well. Oh, there we go. There goes the woke thing again. Yeah. But some people would call us woke. I think people on the right would definitely call us... Aye. Aye.

Yeah, because... Yeah. It's certainly a word that I reckon... Do you have pro-transmit now? And you can see some people go, you were doing dark stuff? And I go, it's still dark You just don't agree with what I'm coming from

Do you reckon If you're neutral in World War You had to declare it as well So you had to write a letter usually to the two people That's the worst part Because if you were neutral you're like I'm not getting involved But not you had to write a letter To Hitler and go you know what

You do you mate Just a wee note from your doctor Aye aye Sorry Hitler we can't join in the war What was Ireland's pathetic excuse We had our own We were in our own They're not the worst

The worst people are in the English That's not what my history books say That's not what I think We had our own Nazis Very tailored rose to's not what I think We had our own Nazis We had our own genocide And it was by the English So we couldn't really jump on their side We probably were like

I wish the English were on the German side And I reckon what really happened We also didn't really have an army Because the English Didn't let us have an army It's somebody else's fault isn't it My dad had to be a sliver It's a South American thing to do that apparently

Is it You could have said that I would have ran with that forever You know sometimes you get reels Of comedy bits It's like in Scotland you you got a bunch of Scottish comedians do if Scottish people did Lord of the Rings whatever sometimes

you'll see comedy like that from other countries and they'll have their stereotypes and like one of the ones is like Mexican people like they'll just have like who recognises this and it'll be a picture of like a mum holding a sandal so what I'm gathering from the memes is all South American people

slap their children with sandals. No, specifically their sandals and their children with sandals. Okay. I didn't make that noise. I didn't either. I'm just saying what you're... I didn't make the underlay, underlay.

Yeah, yeah. You know, I listen. I'm cool. I you're I didn't make the underlay Underlay Yeah yeah You know I listen I'm cool I like Speedy Gonzalez That would be the worst defence Yeah yeah yeah I like Speedy Gonzalez Yeah

And also What do you mean negative stereotypes He was really fast Surely that's a good thing Yeah yeah Come on Yeah but his mate He had a mate as well

Remember Slowpoke Rodriguez Oh And he got that And he'd go a mate as well Remember Slowpoke Rodriguez Oh And he got that And he'd go Oh He was very funny Slowpoke was way funnier Was he

Yeah he talked like He was a stoned Do the voice No Fucking idiot He's the dark comedian Do the fucking voice Do the fucking voice

Ari Shaffir would do The fucking voice Ari Shaffir You just look at me And you're the other bald guy Yeah yeah I want do you have slowpoke's voice yeah

oh yeah yeah yeah oh no no we can take a break right just from the comments it looks like there's a whole lot of things I don't know if they've gotten rid of it like a poo you know like the father's thing but it's just a lot of Mexican people don't know if they've gotten rid of it Like a poo Oh yeah You know like the father's thing But it's just a lot of Mexican people

Going like For those who might have lost that In translation there When he means a poo He means a poo from the simpsons Not like He lost it like a poo Oh yeah yeah

Just It could have been taken So But it's a lot of Mexicans Going like We love this cartoon Blah blah blah So it might be like

It might have been gotten rid of By white people Thinking Oh yeah yeah I don't know if It would be real bad though If this wasn't by white people thinking. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know if it would be real bad, though, if this wasn't actually Mexican people making it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then white people cancelled it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be fucking hilarious. So this is, well, first it's Speedy and then Slowpoke. Maybe Slowpoke is pretty slow downstairs in the feet, but he's pretty fast Upstairs in the cabeza Well now the important thing Is it voiced by a white guy Oh let's You've got to find that out

This could be the most offensive thing in the world If this was out It's definitely going to be a white guy There's no way Oh god Oh come on You're hoping for a Jim Smith are you Yeah Oh God. Oh, come on. It's got to be. You're hoping for a Jim Smith, are you?

Yeah. The Aberdonian comic. Voiced by... Oh God. Oh Jesus. Uh-oh. Oh, if his name's Jesus, that's a good sign. It's voiced by many people. Oh.

So, 62, Tom Holland. Oh, that's not a good start. No. 62 again Mel Blanc That Oh Oh no Mel Blanc He's got some sort of

Oh yeah Mel's got a bit of A bit of Latino flair in him Right Are you basing that on The little mustache Yeah You fucking bigot

I'm also basing that No that's This guy's Then we've got Joseph Joe Alasky No We've got Jeff Joe Alasky No We've got Jeff Bergman

2002 to present American from Pennsylvania Doesn't look good This 2007 Seth Green did it for a while Oh my god Kerry Shields

He should know better Yeah Right We've decided Seth Green's getting cancelled He's the next one Hugh Davidson This looks like

There's been one person That possibly should have done it And that was in 1962 You know It was a different More progressive time back then Yeah yeah yeah So it was back then

Yeah I think it was just A better time to be Latino So let me Just listen to that again now That we know that this is Noised by A white man

A white man He's pretty slow Down the stairs In the fields But he's pretty fast is voiced by a white man a white man Slopok is pretty slow downstairs in the feet but he's pretty fast upstairs in the cabeza oh no

you've ruined Slopok that's not I can't believe that was Seth Green doing that he did it for a while oh no

he did he fucking hates the Mexicans that's why he did it he did it for free he did it for free he did it for free

he asked to do get me get me that fucking job what about without a paddle put it on hold put it on hold

I want Slowpoke's job I want Slowpoke Rodriguez oh just stunting that's just rumours about celebrities that's fucking bad that's ruined that

has it well like yeah it's a different level yeah but you know what it was a you know we all agree the Asian voices in South Park are the funniest thing yeah the entire world well they are yeah yeah that's how I know I've not grown as a human being since I was 16 years old because I it's the it's that I wish it wasn't I wish I was a better person Cheap and lazy

Makes me sob laughing Every single time It's so funny What a piece of shit Did you like Pinky and the Brain? Another Animaniacs? That's the name of my fucking thing Pinky and the Brain

I think I did yeah I mean we spoke about cartoons a little bit last time you wrote the podcast but

I always feel like that was what we were talking about it was in the time where they just let stoners make cartoons for others

they're like hey we're gonna make it for kids but it wasn't really for kids it was just stoners and drug takers in the 70s

being like nobody else is doing this. Let's just go fuck. The adults aren't watching this. Let's go fucking mental and be weird. Do you think drugs were better in the hippie days? Oh, I get so fucking bored of people like Nelson being like, ecstasy is much weaker nowadays.

No, it's not. You're just old and nostalgic. Nothing has gotten less potent in the last... You're insane. Marijuana is like a hundred times stronger than it used to be. Science has only gotten better. It only

progresses. There is no chance that drugs were better. There just is not a chance that's possible. Yeah, you would expect that. Maybe like in the sense that Quaaludes existed and they don't exist anymore. Do they not exist? No.

No, that's why they're so... Is that the stuff that DiCaprio found out about? Yeah. They don't look fun. No, but I mean, definitely, definitely. I mean, if I wasn't a father and I was offered one. But here's my problem. I love sleep so much that the whole point is you've got to stay awake during it.

I would not. Okay. The second my body tells me to go to sleep, I'm like, aye, aye, aye. I love sleep. It's fucking class. Yeah. Big fan. Oh, Oh big fan Sleep and sneezing Sleep and sneezing No I sneeze myself awake

You know it's because I was sneezing in my dream Aye And it sneezes across realm Sneezes across realm What the fuck did you take I mean I did go out for a spliff did you

fucking hell did you ever have that like lucid dreaming you know that thing where they sit on your chest it feels like someone's sitting on your chest what do you call it

fucking sleep fucking paralysis yeah Gareth's got it yeah Gareth gets it occasionally no I yeah I would yeah I had lucid dreams

I've definitely spoken about this on the podcast, so I apologise for the repetition. But... It was a fever dream that I had. I think I've... I'm pretty sure you and me have actually spoken about this on the podcast. It's unbelievable if you think I remember anything. You used to play games with me.

What did we have for dinner this week? And I could not answer one of them. Yeah, yeah, God. Fried. If only there was some... If only we could trace what the, yeah, God. Fried. If only there was some... If only we could trace what the loss of memory comes back to. If only there was... You know what?

Science hasn't progressed anywhere there. It will remain a mystery. That's no progress. What were we talking about? Now you've thrown me, I actually don't remember. Dreams. Dreams, oh yeah, sneezes are cross realm. Imagine if you woke up and your dream catcher sneezed.

Have you had some quaaludes? Oh, because I see. Yeah, you sneezed in your dream and I kept it. As long as I didn't catch a cold. Oh, fuck off. Fucking saved it Nobody Absolutely fucking nobody thought we were

Coming out of that bit Nobody thought we were getting out of there with a fucking laugh These cunts These fucking doubters out here listening to this podcast They were like These pixie Norwegian Nazi fucks Is pixie latin Norwegian?

No She's British Norwegian Nazi fucks Is Pixie Lott Norwegian? No She's British No she's not I think she's one of theirs One of the downstairs neighbours Okay That's good That's a very audible sound

Yeah I've got a massive nose An absolute schnoz on me Schnoz yes It's not a nose It's a big schnoz Thank god Elliot's my mate Oh because you'd be done He is to my nose what you are to my cock

He's like Elliot He is to my nose what you are to my cock. He's like, oh, yeah, all right, well. Elliot's not white anymore, he decided. Man, it is genuinely so funny to me how often and sincerely people will come up to me and express how shocked they were to find out that Elliot is not a 14 year old black girl people are like

yeah it's just oh my god that's so it doesn't look like because they go and see him do stand up and he does not look anything like I imagined him looking yeah and it's obviously to his detriment no man I think men are really really bad judges on each other's

attractiveness right yes because i think you are fucking right but you get your girls for people that call it the car will back you up all the time but that cullen's really handsome i'm like i do not you i don't see it, man. I think you're a beast. Here's how it is. I'll let that slip. I'll push that under the rug and jump over there and let you fucking have a dig there without me feeling it.

Who do you think is the most attractive male actors? Because you would always, as a guy, you'd always be like, oh, it must be like fucking... The best one was always Channing Tatum because most people actually

do not find him attractive what kind of a terrible I think he's certainly he's more attractive now than he was five years ago now that I now that I think

he's very funny like back when he was just like the heartthrob I was like oh god and then in a yeah he seems quite funny he's quite good

in a couple of films yeah he's very good I don't know I, yeah. He's very, very nice. I want to go with him. I don't know. I mean, Brad Pitt in Fight Club is what I think every man says. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just the jacket.

Well, and it's also... Oh, and also we all want to be that ripped at like what point? Like that's the most... Like, oh, yeah, absolutely. Very much closer to Edward Norton. Yeah. I absolutely... You're more closer to Meatloaf That's all folks

I absolutely get the Get the hype surrounding Idris Elba Okay, I get that It's such a weird thing get the get the hype surrounding Idris Elba okay yeah I get that but I just it's such a weird thing

to like because when men think of it it's not I don't think it's in a sexual way because I think Idris Elba would ruin me I'd be I'd be a puddle after

if he if he had his way with me to like to the degree he wanted to to the degree he wanted to yeah I might he's a passionate man he's an actor of course he is oh my i reckon like fucking toilet paper like little toilet i

bet little toilet paper is actually really good yeah but like the haggis patty just absolutely smashed my neeps and tatis Oh god Neeps Don't say I can't remember what Neeps and tatis are Turnips and potatoes

Turnips that's what it is Aye Yeah God who else is in This fan activity Oh I always liked I mean this is This is a bit

Pretty boy Esk Zachary Quinto What No Nobody thinks Zachary Quinto Absolutely Oh Bitch, nobody thinks Zachary Quinto Oh, he's a bitch as well

Oh god, I can't wait to bang Spock That's never fucking happened No, back when he was fucking Siler In Heroes Oh, okay, right Do you know when you're a real How you say like Angel from Buffy was the coolest

I was like, this guy's unbelievable I didn't watch any Buffy It was alright Like really People really Fucking hammer up these days Wasn't that Josh Whedon's first thing

It was wasn't it Aye I like Firefly It was good Oh Firefly was so good I also forgot that The first episode of Firefly Is something

It's 90 minutes long Oh I Like I Yeah yeah yeah It's so, it's weird, because I remember trying to show it to Cara, and Cara was like,

how fucking long is this thing? Oh, yeah, good show. I keep looking over to Jack, as if I've just, he just had spiky blonde hair. that was it,

yeah, no, I wanted to see what fucking, the dude was, he was in Bones, he was the main actor in Bones then, I believe, which was a shite show.

But anyway, yeah. Who else is a handsome man then? Right, right, here, what about, right, Matthew McConaughey. Oh, really? Which was a shite show But anyway Who else is a handsome man They call him Right Right Here Right Matthew McConaughey

Oh really Everybody They love him Yeah Oh but I feel That's more charm Like he's got Like a really

Handsome face And he definitely did They were They were dripping From back in the day When he was a bad actor And then he got older and a better actor And he still got that thing

Apparently his book's mental but good His autobiography yeah He's a mad Jesus dude Is he? Yeah I'm pretty sure he is Bugger Oh shucks It's the darndest thing it's the darndest thing

it's the darndest thing what about here's one Timothy Chamolet because I oh that's the wee

you just batter him just batter I would batter him oh you reckon you'd cream him I would kick his teeth in and he'd be like what's this for

and I'm like you fucking shut up I don't even have a reason Shut the fuck up Timothy You see him in public There's no chance he's Here's the good one

Here's the one where we get down to brass tacks Here There's a whole thing going on On the internet at the moment Where lads are really upset And don't understand Why Pete Davidson's getting All superstar women

Oh And themselves are freaking out Going like Why the fuck Yeah How does he do this He's ugly It must be

Women must It's funny Yeah It must be that It's 100% that Yeah It's absolutely No man

And also like I get it Like you know I don't know They get I mean I wouldn't I mean I'd cream him just no no but

it was better than the one you did no I just reckon like what Idris Elba would do to me is June 6th I reckon I'd do it Pete Davidson

absolutely you're higher up in the food chain yeah I'm sitting in the gay food chain you reckon you're in between

yeah yeah yeah I'm not I'm not bottom of the pack all you're sitting there going you've eaten yourself because you're like power a lot of power I reckon he's melt me that's not a thing you want really

a lot of power, power sex well no I mean it's different than hard sex People like to be Fucking rammed man Yeah but power I feel like he's I think that's like a gay term

Is power bottom not a thing I don't know what it means No I think power bottom Google what power bottom Yes But do it in the Do it in the Do it in the internet

Private browser This guy's Google what power bottom means He's got Pornhub as a bookmark on Google What do you mean Oh that's Oh yeah Now I remember the time

you also doing something with a podcast you had like a folder of just arses oh yeah because me and Kai you were doing a fucking me and Kai were doing a game

of whether you could tell it was a guy's arse or a girl's arse yeah so I went up onto the thing and I opened up the thing there's just a folder saying arses

aye and it was so unsexual that's how I knew it was okay because it was just pictures of fucking arses under the folder arses. And it was so unsexual. That's how I knew it was okay. Because it was just pictures of fucking arses under the folder. Arses. A power bottom is someone who is very

aggressive or energetic when receiving. Oh, okay. So yeah. There you go. So bottom. Aye. But bottom's getting challenged. A power top. He's a power top. And're saying he's a power top. He's a power top. And you're saying

Pete Davidson's a power bottom going, woo! That's what you have, aye. Yeah. But man, I get why he's getting laid. Also,

can you like, celebrities, whenever they date other celebrities, like a lot of the time, man, they're heaps dull. Yeah, yeah dull the thing about

it is it's all an illusion all celebrities are people and so many of them are boring as fuck

like I've met a whole bunch of celebrities and you meet them and you're like oh that's why they say don't meet

your heroes and shit man I reckon the people that Kim Kardashian has met in her life are just so fucking

vapid and American so there's just no you know substance substance yeah and then he's just

aye funny like they don't get sarcasm and he's doing turns of phrases and he's fucking aye I reckon quite get

absolutely get why all the girls are going after him and I reckon he's a power bottom with them yeah yeah yeah I reckon he's a power bottom with them yeah I reckon yeah yeah woo

I don't know why that's all I heard like when when the girls are on top in cowgirl I reckon he's fucking flailing around

just fucking cunts trying to cartwheel on the bridge have I let air out of you it just looks like they're putting him down

he's like a starfish stuck to a rock Who's he with now? Who is he with now? It was Kardashian Ariana Grande, Kardashian He's someone else now Kate Beckinsale for a while Yeah, aye

Ariana Grande, Kardashian It's not fucking oh what it's not like Demi Moore or something fucking weird

I think it was Sean Connery imagine it's just absolutely rude Sean Connery Sean Connery's dead is he not

yeah he doesn't smack enough yeah no comment yeah oh yeah that that viral clip Yeah Yeah Yeah You don't smack enough Yeah no comment Yeah Oh yeah That That That

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Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh man She is a very attractive lady Yeah she's in She's in Gone Girl, she's in... She's in Gone Girl, yes. He's the person he cheats on.

I was thinking of fucking... Who's the one in True Detective? I've not watched season two. She's in fucking... I only like the Woody Harrelson one. That isn't the Woody Harrelson one. It's in the Woody Harrelson one. It's the person Woody Harrelson's cheating with.

Oh. You know she's in that I watched it a very long time ago Colin And As we discussed Earlier on this podcast Both of our memories are shite Do you have anything to plug

Anything going on in your saddle I've got a Hot men calendar It's just the 12th night youth Fact you like So this is my flavour of the month For February Yeah

I've got a Fucking Special that's filmed and shit So I should Film it I don't know where I'm going to release it Or anything yet But just follow me on

Twitter and Instagram And all that shit And you'll find it all Just to YouTube man Just to YouTube I believe that is probably Only a moron would release his special On his own website

On the 9th of December, which again, this will probably come out after Marlena. Marlena has a lot of patience with me, but man if I don't take something seriously, I do not put any effort. I'm a nightmare. If I don't

100% commit to something, I am not in at all. I'll ruin things for people By my absolute Lack of effort Completing out of their Fucking apathy Yeah I have a fucking I have an example

And it's at the edge of my head And I can't fucking get it The edge of my head That's not At the edge of my head here That's right That's right It's right on the cusp of my skull

Yeah yeah It's poking out I should You know I meant to tell people the date I'm like Jack who gives a shit man It's the it's the 9th of December

people overthink it just there you go aye so it's been released on my website on the 9th of December for a fiver

but you're also probably not meant to know that who gives a shit just buy it just don't be a fuck just fucking do it why are you making this awkward for me just fucking do it

alright let's go watch the rest of the World Cup the rest of no I'm not I'm kidding it's cancelled Why are you making this awkward for me? Just fucking do it. All right. Let's go watch the rest of the World Cup. The rest of it? No, I'm not. I'm kidding. It's cancelled. Hey, hey, hey. That fucking...

Take two, one. Yeah. No, it's not. We're not watching it. you you