Sloss and Humphries On The Road - A boy has no Muggins

Episode Date: January 30, 2017

I swear to God if this doesn't upload properly imma put all you through a window. Cream here, back with another Mugginless episode, but instead we have the new and improved Muggins, Garf. Back again.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

No Muslims. No more. Get them to fuck. Yeah. Not on this podcast. If you've listened to this podcast before and you're a Muslim, you're allowed to listen. But no new Muslim listeners. Not happy.

And even the ones that are listening just now. Yeah. Stand in the corner. Hello. This is Trump's America. It's me, Craig, back with Garth.

Hello. You're wearing, oh, I thought you were wearing a suit jacket. You're not. It's just a very thin jacket. It's one of them, I'd call it a baseball jacket

if I was calling it anything. Would you? Yeah. It's not got different coloured sleeves. Normally, they've got different coloured sleeves. Is that a varsity jacket? Is that what Americans call it yeah i yeah i found out in america the day that you know um what's the name of the fucking groups they have a university and all

the movies like uh the sororities and what's the ones for guys uh frat yeah frat parties you know those are real yeah yeah i had no idea I thought that was just what do you think I didn't know I made up like wouldn't it be weird if like

okay I knew they were real but I thought it was I thought it was like as like the really posh fucking schools like nah nah like all of them

no man I've met people like yeah I was in a sorority I'm like Jesus you fucking nerds the only gang I've ever been a part of was the Thieves Guild in Skyrim.

And you've broken the first rule by it. No, that's the Assassins one. Yeah. I don't think it's wise to tell people you're in the Thieves Guild though. Oh, you know.

You're in the guilds? Yeah, you know, the Assassins one, the Thieves one. They should call it a guild in America. Yeah. I'm part of Alpha Beta Gamma guild.

I just find that, if we were to ever do an American version of this podcast, if you're an American listener and you were in a sorority or whatever the other one was. Fraternity. Fraternity. You are a fucking muggle.

Yeah, absolutely. And it's all of them, which is the best part. It's all of them. Fucking clean swipe. In fact, if you've ever been in a frat, you're not allowed in Scotland. Yeah.

Yeah, stay out. I tell you. Yeah. And also, if you are Muslim and you listen to this podcast, podcast please to keep listening it was just a little bit we did at the start there not that i should ever have to yeah just sticking it to the man isn't that funny oh it's pretty awful yeah it's it's it's not great it's so bad oh you gotta at it Yeah I mean I just Yeah Because I just got back Yeah Yeah

And as a massive Muslim I don't think I can get back in Yeah Oh yeah And you went to Trump's inauguration I did go to Trump's inauguration And it was So you're part of the problem

I am Yeah Yeah Supporting him I've got the hat Yeah no that's great Of course I bought the fucking hat. The reason I bought the hat,

and I'll defend my buying of the hat, one, it's not an official one, so none of the money actually went to Trump, but me and Eric asked the guy, we were like, did you vote for Trump? And he was like, no, I'm just here to make money off of idiots.

And I was like, oh, spot on. It's more, it's more a small business. Yeah. I'm looking at it just now. This is the red Make America Great Again hat. The writing's already coming off it. And I was like, well, is that not just the perfect metaphor?

Yeah, it's getting worn out already. One size fits all, but it won't go on top of a turban. Oh, man, they should write those on the inside. So how have you been? You went house viewing today yeah or grown up stuff i always find that weird because when i was buying my place when you know when you look around it's basically just going to someone else's house and calling it shit because if you're going if you're buying the place like the buyers are normally there when they take you around and what you're trying to do is you're going if you're buying the place like the buyers are normally there when they take you around and what you're trying to do is you're trying to point out all the flaws so you can get it for cheaper which is just a really cunty guest thing to do like oh this wallpaper

is terrible that'll have to go these floors look a bit yeah man i still fucking live here could you not trash my fucking place no i think you're allowed to trash it because if it was that good they wouldn't be leaving. Yeah. What's wrong with this place? Yeah. I mean, we've got four kids. I just fancy the change. Oh, really? No, did you?

Yeah. Why? What'd you do? What'd you fuck? What'd you fuck that you can't get the stains out of? Yeah. Where's the little weird kid that you keep in the walls?

I know he's in here. I know he's in here. Does he come with a house? That's why I'm asking for a friend. I've got loads of fish heads I need rid of. So you're buying or are you renting? buying yeah you're buying?

yeah look at you being a grown up it's kind of weird isn't it because like so the lady who I went and met was very nice but like she just kind of she was treating me like an adult

which I'm not really used to so like she was good so have you done have you got the factor and have you done that and I'm going I have no idea what you're saying to me. Okay, hold on.

Could you mind if I just call someone? Mom? Yeah. She's asking, put her on. She's asking me stuff. Oh, yeah. Does this place come with Netflix or is that something I have to arrange? Yeah.

Is it installed? Who takes out the bins? Is there a guy? Do I need to pay him? Yeah, it's a weird one, that. You know, it had nothing to do with the buying of my house. Oh, did you not? No, because I was ready to put a deposit on a house,

and I found a place, and I told my agent, Marlena, who's the most, I love her to bits, but she's just, get fully involved in your life. And she's like, I'll help, and then that was it. Oh, good. And then she just just and I was like can I be involved in the process and she was like no I don't trust you yeah I need that I think yeah

I'll just get on to her yeah I'll just say Marlene could you buy my house for me also I don't have the money for it so is there a way we can work around that or is that a problem I don't know just start zipping yeah so so much money as well like so you need about a 10% deposit and I was like 10% I've got 1%

how about that I've got 200 pounds I am the 1% they say we're rich but no I can't afford this this was America this was America

can't buy a house yeah I don't know I've never done it before and I've only really rented for a year and a bit but I feel like so you've been a rent boy for the past year I'll continue to be a rent boy don't know I've never done it before and I've only really rented for a year and a bit but I feel like so you've been a rent boy

for the past year I'll continue to be a rent boy don't worry about that so yeah at the moment you're a rent boy and I am a homo ner

yeah if there's any real estate agents out there who want to do some marketing with basically very offensive

comic books you've got free reign to use rent boy and homo ner who want to do some marketing with basically very offensive comic books, you've got free reign to use, rent boy and homeowner. The way the world's going. Or maybe that could be... Yeah, or maybe that could be... Theresa May will give you a big grant for that. If you know what I mean.

Or maybe that could be incentive, because maybe I'm only cream when it's me and Muggins. Maybe together you and me are rent boy and homeowner. I like it yeah yeah that's well that's the worst thing is though i want to make that the title of this podcast but then i'm just giving away the fucking joke in the title it's like my granddad my dad's side lovely lovely man yeah like could not tell a joke to fucking can't tell a joke to fucking save himself he's just like the way he'd do a joke when i was i was like did you did you hear the one where it turns out he's dead oh no well here we go all right so there's a guy i'm like is he dead he's like you know but like genuinely straight face man none of that was a

joke yeah yeah is this um dick van dy No, it's not Dick Van Dyke. Okay. So, do you know what the movie The Sixth Sense was called in China? Hold on. Can I just explain that my granddad's not Dick Van Dyke? Oh, he's not? No. I have two granddads and one looks the spit and dab of Dick Van Dyke.

Spit and dab. Yeah, spit and dab. Flip the bottle. Aye. Sixth Sense. Sixth Sense in China. Do you know what dab. Flip the bottle. Aye. Sixth Sense. Sixth Sense in China. Do you know what it was called? No.

It's a translation. Something racist. Kind of. It was called He's a Ghost. That was the translation they used because they used

really little. Oh, that's interesting because it's actually the opposite. Snakes on a Plane in China is just called Dinner for One. Dinner for on a Plane in China is just called... Dinner for One.

Dinner for One. It's just called Terrors in the Sky. So it's actually America that did the same thing. Oh, yeah, they fucked it, yeah. Because in China, the Snakes on a Plane, huge twist in the movie. Nobody saw that coming. Oh, right, yeah.

That's a far better name for it. And Danny DeVito, was it Danny? No, Arnold Schwarzenegger, right. So in Japan, actors often play the same character in every film and it's almost like a linear sort of thing okay so it threw like so Arnold Schwarzenegger when he did Predator it was called like the devil or something he was the devil right so then every other movie he's done since the title has been like the devil does this so it's like arnis goes to the moon yeah it's like devil or what was the other one the the twin brothers devil and his

brother or something the devil and his brother yeah it was like that so you tell me the chinese people are watching all arnold schwarzenegger as if they're all linear because if so what a life he's led yeah yeah he was in the army, he was a commando, and then he was being chased by fucking aliens, and then he had to get that toy for his son for Christmas. And then he got pregnant. Oh, that was the other one, The Devil Gets Pregnant. That was...

I'm pretty sure that's what... I mean, it's maybe not exactly that, but it's the gist of it. Oh, wow. The experience was called The Devil and Friends. Oh, so wait with the there's also really loads of disappointed people when the devil where's prada came out yeah which isn't a devil they're watching the whole the devil's where where's arnie like does he play the boss he's not a devil that's black and white lady i have no idea but yeah oh yeah i did not know that little insight into foreign film for you there oh i'm gonna do a very

unprofessional thing here and i'll try and find the name of the comic that did it it was a great comic the other day i was on in la who just had a and the reason i tell this isn't to do his joke but it's just it's none of the audience laughed. And I thought it was the best joke because it was just so brilliantly shit, but good as well. The audience mistook it as a groaner. I'm like, nah,

nah, that is a great joke. Yeah. I will. It's very professional. I do apologize. I will find his name and tweet it. But the joke was,

oh, so my, I started dating an Asian chick and then I found out that name and tweet it. But the joke was, oh, so I started dating an Asian chick and then I found out that she was Chinese recently. Whoa, red flag. Everyone in the audience went, oh. And I was like, yes! Starting a one-man standing ovation.

I fucking love bad jokes as well and that's a good joke but I love the ones that are just that make everyone else go oh they're my favourite yeah dad jokes dad jokes are incredible me and Kai were talking about it recently it was in Muggle Corner

and I'm absolutely in the corner for it I love some of that fucking shit crap I'm trying to think of any fucking examples i've done recently what was the one i heard somebody else's dad do this and i went that is funny they were like how long is dinner gonna be and we're having spaghetti and he went well if you add all the spaghetti together it's probably gonna be quite long and i was like

and they were like shut up dad I'm in time he knows you've been in time oh that's amazing oh it was so funny yeah my grandad same grandad

his one was always my grandad would be like how did you enjoy school oh no how did you find school my grandad would go it was like he got off the bus and there it was

yeah brilliant cracking one love it I do love some levels of fucking absolutely diabolical banter. As long as everyone knows it's diabolical. I was kind of along the same vein. I was explaining the aristocrats joke to my girlfriend, Laura, today. She'd never heard it before, and I did a tweet that was kind of like an aristocrats joke.

It was a very good tweet, by the way, for this. Yeah, thanks very much. Because I was like, have you was a very good to by the way thanks very much and she um because I was out of here there is scratch joke joint no I went I'll not do it for you I'll get I'll looked up a bunch of them and she was just so horrified yeah and then when it gets to the punch then she went what and I was like yeah but it's just horrible stuff. I went, was it the ace? She was like, no. For those that don't know about the Aristocrats, go watch a documentary by Paul Provenza called The Aristocrats. It's basically a very, very, very old showbiz joke.

And the premise is a guy walks into a casting agent and goes, we've got an act for you. What is it? And then the man just describes a really, really horrible, horrible, horrible act that involves a family and then the guy then goes why would you call it and he just goes the aristocrats and the joke is the name doesn't fit the thing yeah where they are if the joke came from is people just do the longest most disgusting 20 minutes long yeah some

people do full shows where dad's fucking yeah the documentary is absolutely great it's like that is a favorite comedian's joke the other one is the bees one no somebody I don't think I know it's just such a shit gag right but it's not so there's a three bee keepers in a bar and the first beekeeper just goes to the second one and goes how many bee caves bee caves a terrible place to keep bees

I'll point out I'm high I don't think you're a beekeeper no the bee caves hey hey hey the bat cave the bee cave Joker's attacking activate the bee signal oh yeah what are they called there you go hey the bat cave the bee cave Joker's attacking activate the bee signal uh what are they oh yeah the

what are they called how's this going on my head Hive there you go yeah sorry I've obviously repressed Hive in my memory

from all the terrible memories of my time in Edinburgh uh for those of you that don't get that joke Hive is a ship bar

yeah that I've been in trouble for calling ship before but it goes for fuck um so yeah oh they know it's shit though come on

well you'd think that but people don't go because it's a classy joint yeah but that's why I love it because it's shit

it's a pound of gin yeah I mean it's not a nice place you just get fucking smashed so yeah there's three beekeepers in a bar and one of the beekeepers turns to the other

and goes how many uh beehives you have and the first one goes I've got got about 20 hives because I how many bees you keep in there and the guy goes I probably you know maybe four thousand cool cool what about you he goes oh yeah and I've been a beekeeper for 15 years I've got about 50 hives and about you know maybe 10 000 base between what else nice goes to the third one he goes i love beekeeping he gives my favorite thing oh how many hives you're going because i've got one hive how many bees you got a million a million bees for hives yeah them they're only bees

now there's a debate amongst that's not the best version of that joke but that's basically can you just argue with the telling but basically but that is your standard absolute dog shit joke but the reason you love it is because it's fully unexpected yeah yeah that's great my favourite terrible joke somebody told me in high school was what did the farmer say

when he lost his tractor where's me tractor it's just crap I love it when he lost his tractor. Where's me tractor? It's just crap. I love it. My mum got me with the duck one. You know the duck one? Maybe, I don't know.

Why did the duck cross the road? I don't know. To visit the cunt. Knock, knock. Who's there? The duck. I love that one. That's brilliant.

It's such a good guy. Ah, yeah, that was great. I can't remember if I've told this story on the podcast, so listeners, stop me if I have. Just skip through. I think I did when I was younger. my brother Matthew was fucking two years old. And he wasn't fucking a two-year-old. Well, he might have been a player.

But he was two at the time, so it's not pedophilia. He was two years old, and he used to love Thomas the Tank Engine. And one time my grandma was over. She was like, who's your favorite Thomas the Tank Engine character? And she nearly had a fucking stroke. Because the first three times, the little story was like, the fat fat cunt the fat cunt the fat cunt roller and the problem with that is you can't laugh because if you laugh they know it's funny and then they say it all the time have you seen the kid uh playing with alexa and he asked it something uh so alexa the ai thing from amazon he asked it something. So Alexa, the AI thing from Amazon,

he asks it to play a song and it goes, okay, playing, pussy, porn, big dick, cunt, pissing on, and everyone's going, no! And he's like, I just wanted a song. So funny. All right, shall we move on to Muggle Corner? Muggle Corner. Would you like to explain Muggle Corner? Yes yes so a muggle is someone with no magic in

their life it's somebody well they do things that are just a little bit ordinary it's things that everyone kind of does they've got no kind of originality or yeah just basic bitches yeah but there's nothing wrong with being a there's's nothing wrong with doing muggly things. We're all guilty of it from time to time. To be a full muggle is also not bad. They're not bad people. No. I think I'm probably the muggliest person

that's been on the podcast. Elliot Steele's pretty muggly. Yeah. Gene's been on it. Oh, well, I take everything back. Yeah. Gene's. Yeah, Gene's.

And also, I think I have a lot of the ones yeah i was listening to andrew and kai's one today when i was driving about and uh the i think they got me loads the keeping boxes the kai said i've got all my boxes i've got my playstation vr downstairs all the bugs and everyone keeps going like what do you think you can chuck that out and i'm like oh no i might need it and they're like for what and i just don't have an answer i'm like shut up just keeping it all right just in case build a fork it's cool yeah you'll see where the zombies come yeah i've got loads of those boxes so yeah that totally got me i don't keep anything in the boxes i don't know why i have them but it makes me feel comfortable yeah no i'm just saying i absolutely yeah there was a fair few

on their podcast they also tried they obviously clearly didn't listen to our podcast because the andrew bob people who drive do drive january yeah oh also should point out uh can you fuckers listeners all do me a favor and prove kai that he's fucking full of shit on podbean and was the one you listen on i listen on pocket cast pocket cast can you go and listen to the episode the other one me and gareth did uh and I think if you listened, what was it called? Oh, no, no, it's one me and Eric did. It's one you and Eric done. If you go listen to the one me and Eric did, which is called Worst Man, it's Kai and Stanley again.

Can you check this and then yell at Kai and tell him to put our one back up, the jealous cunt? Yeah. You want to go first from Muggle Corner? Double down, yeah. Okay. Oh, wait, so, yeah, if you are guilty of these Muggle things, it doesn't make you a full Muggle. We're just admitting that you're first from Muggle Corner yeah okay oh wait so yeah if you are guilty

of these Muggle things it doesn't make you a full Muggle we're just we're admitting that you're a bit Muggle and you have to go stand in the corner

for 30 seconds Muggle you are yeah okay so my first one is Muggles write clean me

on dirty cars and vans oh yeah and I'm in the corner I'm pretty sure I wish my wife was as dirty as this oh it's just it's the fact that it still happens like to me that's something you do as a kid because that's that's funny then because you haven't had 40 years of humor in your life so

that's basic level humor you see it high up in a lorry and you're like that is a fully grown adult go up there to write that yeah that is a fully grown adult. Go up there to write that. Yeah, that is a fully grown adult on the shoulders of another fully grown adult, both giggling. That's the thing, I saw it the other day and I was just looking at it and I was going, what is the person thinking when they're doing that? I wouldn't do it now.

Write and clean me, like, that will show them. Clean your car, you filthy fuck. I was just, I was like, it's shit, it you filthy fuck I was just I was like it's shit it's not even like you've seen it for 20 yeah it's it's it's it like it's it's public hack yeah it's not like hack that comedians do like it's social hack it's also yes so social hack is also if you see someone running and you go, run, Forrest, run! Social hack!

And it's vehicle shaming. Don't shame it. Yeah, maybe it likes being dirty. What? Oh, because of all the fucking cars you see in magazines, those are all clean. Those are all photoshopped. Those are all heavily photoshopped cars. They're not that clean.

I don't think anyone's looked at it and laughed. I don't think anyone's went, look, it says clean me. That guy's cut off because it's minging. Clean it. It would not be me. I was just enjoying it. Do you reckon not even the first time that happened, nobody laughed? Oh, no, somebody laughed the first time.

That's fair. I bet it was written on the back of a horse yeah yeah stop shaming me yeah I'm body conscious but like

yeah I just I think the first time you ever seen that would be brilliant because I think up until then it was just

cock and balls but now cock and balls is way funnier alright here's an interesting fact about cock and balls okay so you know how men love drawn dicks but now cock and balls is way funnier. All right, here's an interesting fact about cock and balls.

Okay. So you know how men love drawn dicks and vaginas? Yeah. Also, to be fair, I know plenty of fucking women that enjoy doing that. I don't really enjoy drawing a vagina. It's too hard. No, it is too hard. I haven't seen enough. This one's got a hand over it.

Do they all have hands over it? Trace around your hand. There's there's one yeah but clenched fist uh so the first ever language was called uh oh fuck it's completely gonna i'm not gonna make but it was written in cuneiform which is basically wedged writing so it was just symbols that was the first ever human language it was way out in mesopotamia uh so that was the first thing we wrote so it was all wedged sort of symbols and stuff this and this is just proof of how far humanity has not come yeah the symbol for women was a triangle downward facing triangle with a line to represent the slit in the vagina that's the thing and the

can you guess what the sign for a man was um the right to vote yeah a 30 percent wage gap yeah even back then i'm gonna assume like a u no no it was it was a dick but not only a dick oh yeah like a dick oh so no no it's an actual dick no no they drew a dick and not only a dick oh yeah like a dick oh so it's no no it's an actual dick no no they drew a dick and not only a dick an ejaculating dick like that's the bit that made me so happy

it's not just dick they're like yeah but it's when it does that's the hey that's when you're a man yeah that's when you've been man no no

you just got a dick no tears coming out of it not a dick I love that it's so like that language is like I think it's almost

6,000 years old I remember in primary school drawing a dick i love that it's so like that language is like i think it's almost six thousand years old i remember in primary school drawing a dick and putting the dashes out of it and i was like i must i genuinely i must have been about six or seven like how did i even know about it like i like i just knew that that was like they should probably have something coming out of it you know it's just one point when you become 13 and you become a Jedi Master and your lasers come out your dick always uncircumcised or I'm assuming erect yeah we have been played

because in America they find it so weird that we're I think we spoke about that last time actually because all of them are aren't they yeah all of them I've checked every last one of them line up fellas we could just tell you

i think i'd prefer to see for myself come on boys hands across america knobs out across america uh yeah social hack it's yeah it's garbage it's just yeah i'm trying to think of any other anything else oh it's also like shouting scramble whenever someone drops their money. Oh, yeah. Funny when you're 13. I like that. Yeah, it's still funny.

Scramble! It's almost on par with writing somebody's phone number in a cubicle and be like, for a good time, call Susan. Oh, mate. Guess what? I was at the airport yesterday coming back from fucking America.

That's evolved. Oh, yeah, guess what? I was at the airport yesterday coming back from fucking America. That's evolved. Oh, yeah? It's still happening, but the thing, much like conformed language, it's evolved, but it's the same. I truly believe

we'll never evolve in our drawings of things. Yeah. Because instead of a phone number, it was a Snapchat name. And it was for a good time. Snapchat this. I'm like, wow. We don't don't change no we're the exact same

generation through fucking generation right like we i truly believe human beings only have like a hundred year cycle before we just do the same thing again yeah prove it nazis are back yeah like we're it's happening all again this This happens all the... History genuinely repeats itself, even in minor forms. Yep. So, like, in about fucking 30 years' time, it's going to be... Good again?

Well, no, I mean, it depends how well the nuclear holocaust goes. We'll be in a nuclear winter at that point. No, mammoths. Ha-ha! It's a laugh if you don't think about it. Yeah, it is. Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah, I will absolutely agree. Write and clean me on a car. You are a fucking mogul. Get in the corner. Even if you did it when you were a kid. Yeah, well, no, I think, because we all did it as a kid.

If you've done it over the age of 20, you're out. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. People, and this is very specific, so this is one of the moments that's not going to get many people, but I don't think many people will disagree.

People who call themselves Topher instead of Christopher. I have literally never heard that in my entire life. Is it not the most infuriating thing you've ever heard? It is now. Oh, it's the worst. Because it sounds like tofu, which is the worst food going. Oh, my name is Topher. No, it's not.

Who the fuck? Topher? Topher. They said they're cutting off Topher and taking Chris. They took out Chris. And you go, yeah, my name's Topher. No, it who the fuck Topher Topher they take it they said it's cutting off Topher and taking Chris they took out Chris there you go yeah my name's Topher no it's not it's absolutely not absolutely fuck that it sounds like a fucking fantasy character oh it totally does like Topher off yeah yeah Topher the gopher he's he's actually a mage he's actually his mage and he uh married uh he married basically an assassin.

If you put Topher the Hobbit in the Lord of the Rings, if one of them was called Topher, I'd be like, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, of course. Topher. You're not allowed to... Christopher. You're not allowed to have the second part of the name

be the nickname. Yeah. It's got to be the first. And I also... Fuck it, I'll also throw... if your name's Drew, no. It's Andrew or Andy. You don't get to take the second. What's mine?

What? Neil. Yeah. Reth. Reth. Hey, Reth. Reth. Oh, yeah.

Reth him for the hell of it. That's my brother, Thieu. God, it's so bad. Let's think of more. I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I, I, God. Let's think more. I. I, I'm free. Yeah, Ilo.

Oh, no, wait. Milo is short for Michael. That's also. Yeah, right. Hold on. That's it. Hang on. If you're.

Yeah, Milo is short for. It's allegedly short for Matthew. Michael. Michael. Sorry. Milo. Yeah. Surely not.

So Milo. Milo's real name is Michael yeah his Irish dad I don't know why he's made it exotic I know Gus is short

for Graham is it apparently yeah no Gus is short for Angus surely and if that's the case Gus also is second after the name

yeah and you fucking go yeah your name is Ang Ang yeah deal with it yeah Ang Gus Lindbergh's real name is Graham I don't think Yeah. Deal with it. Yeah.

Gus Lindbergh's real name is Graham. I don't think he likes people knowing that either. Probably shouldn't broadcast that. Oh, fuck it. Yeah. Yeah, so apparently it's short for Graham. It's like a

William, Bob short for William. You're like, no. No, no, sorry, no, no. I've got that wrong. Bill, short for William. Yeah, but also

Bob is short for Robert, of course We discussed this before, my dad's called Kenny, which is short for David We talked about it on The Drunk One and Altitude Did we? I forget this entirely Just because his dad was also called David

his middle name was Kenny, so they called him Kenny but they used to say, oh, we call him Kenny because it's short for David. And I went, it's not short for. Yeah, no. You've chosen a different part. You've picked a totally different name

to avoid confusion. Yeah. This is Sloss, it's short for Daniel. No. No. That's absolutely not how it works. Yeah, I knew.

And also, every Topher I've met has been an absolute wank. Every Topher? Like, you've met loads. I've met at least three Topher's. toffer like you've met loads i've met at least three toffers all america no two british one scottish really and one american toffer yeah toffer i've never heard that i absolutely go in the fucking corner i've never heard that in my

life you've never heard toffer it's t-o-p-h-e-r ph even makes it worse i'm looking at it as an f a whole time i'm going that's an F No it's not I know it's not Obviously because of this name Spelling it Christopher But I was like They've changed it so much It must be an F

No Topher yeah It's yeah Name's Topher Fucking muggles Right what's your second one So when they go into Fucking start

Hold on Go on You go into Starbucks My name's Topher Fuck off Like are they writing toffer on cup they are probably with an f because they're also like fuck you fucking muggle cunt getting stay in the corner forever suffocate and die i love those as you call it for kate

fuck it yeah for kate and Fuck it. Yeah. For Kate and... Oh, pricks. That's really fucking... Fucked me off. Has it really got your goat? Yeah. If I ever meet a toffer, I swear I'll punch them right in their throat. Pricks.

I'm going to fucking deck them. Right, okay. I'm composing myself. You should have saved that for the end. I didn't need a break. Do you want to be... No. I need to join anyway. We can go for a break. No, no, no. Fucking power through. The have saved that for the end. I didn't need a break. Do you want to be? No. I need to join anyway.

We can go for a break. No, no, no. Fucking power through. The anger's good for the rest. All right. Muggles, don't answer their phone when they don't know the number or it's a private number. Fucking muggles. Oh, it's the most unbearable.

It's the most unbearable thing in the fucking world. I can't cope with it. Just answer the phone. Yeah. Well, what if it's PPI hang up hang up hang up

talk for your cunt there is just no need just if you call our ID just answer the phone it's three seconds of your life like

you're spending more time getting anxious nervous I don't get it it's the most infuriating thing because you're also it's here's another reason why it's fucking selfish you're making me listen to a ringing phone yeah i don't want to listen to it ring ring ring we can't have conversations because you who clearly don't care i care i'm like who's that who's that who's that because yeah nine times out of ten it's a random fucking caller but that other time and then they'll ask you oh i wonder who that was i don't know either that's the phone we could solve this

mystery oh i'd really oh would you just watch tv programs get to the cliffhanger and go well i can't find out who that was next time on sherlock oh you won't you know i'm not gonna find out not me i'd rather be safe oh what oh what if it's something i don't want me what to do. I'm not going to find out. Not me. I'd rather be safe. What if it's something I don't want to talk to? Well, don't hang up. Hang up. It's that easy. I don't even... It's so wheezy because I just listen to them

and then work out in two seconds. I go, hiya. Like, hi, there's Sarah. It's just what... If they don't say Mr. Sloss... This is just right. If they don't say Master Sloss... No, but if they don't say my name, hang up. Is that Niall? Yeah.

Dan Niall? Hi, can I talk to Mr. Sloss? Sorry, I think you mean The Daniel Sloss. Sorry, try again. Is that not what it's in the system as? Okay, can you change it over? Thank you, bye. And they're like, oh, well, you know if it's important they can leave me a voicemail.

No. Nope. Nope, absolutely not. Who checks a voicemail? Who still looks at voicemail? Oh, yeah, I've got a fucking answer machine. Don't use it. No.

I mean, I've read it. I've read it. I've read it. I've read it. I've read it. I've read it. I've read it. I've read it. know if it's important they can leave me a voicemail no no nope absolutely not who checks voicemail who still looks at voicemail oh yeah i've got a fucking answer machine don't use it no i mean i recorded the message just to be witty oh hold on that's a side little mugger one just while it's in my head because i forget about the answer phones no muggles do that fucking hello hello sorry who's this? Ah, yes. Excuse me.

And I'm in the corner for that because I absolutely did that when I was younger. Did you? And it was the funniest thing in the fucking world because my mate Rebecca, I had three messages from her when I was out drinking. She lost me. It was just,

for fuck's sake! I was spent half a second and then hanging up. She's like, I fell for it again I've done I've been done and then

so that's funny but I will admit my mate called me with a belt the first time I ever heard one of them it was like I'm not kidding

I answered four questions he's like hello sorry who's this and I was like it's Gareth and he was like I don't wait

do we and I was like yeah it's Gareth it's Gareth it's going for ages so got me but um what was it

oh yeah we were talking about the not answering the phone call thing so uh yeah it I had another point to make about it I can't remember what it was

it's just the most like you can't get scammed unless you're an old person if you're over the age of 65 and you're susceptible to being conned fine good yeah go ahead terrified your phone don't have a phone then but just this yeah why do you have one yeah like i mean i've got a landline so that gets phoned all the time for

wrong numbers and whatever a few of my mates do it i've seen them doing it where they don't answer and i've got two phone numbers so i'll sometimes use the other one if the mother phone's died i'll phone and they've not got that one and they don't answer i might be meeting them or something they're like oh yeah i thought it might have been you but i didn't want to i was like oh you fuck yeah answer the fucking phone like do you do that it's the only thing you don't do with the door no right you don't who could that be i'll never know oh someone's at the door oh oh god oh thank god it could be delivery but it could also just be someone i don't. Who could that be? I'll never know. Oh, someone's at the door. Oh, God. Thank God. It could be delivery,

but it could also just be someone I don't know. I could be knocking on the wrong house. I'll just stay here and never know. And I'll just never know. Why do I always have to go to the post office to pick up my packages? They're never around. Yeah.

I imagine that. Like, you just open up your blinds and you say it's your friend, and then you just twist them back shut and turn the lights off. Yeah. Like, that's what you're doing. Back away slowly.

Oh, you must not be in. Side note to this, I don't know if you've, if I've told you this before. I found out the other day that young people

don't know why we use the phrase hang up. Because they've never had to hang up a phone oh my press a button i'd never thought about that isn't that fucking awful oh dear lord that's like they don't they don't know what the iphone symbol is for phone because it's a holy shit so like uh it was some guy told me his kid went why do we call it hang up and he was like oh because you hang up the phone and we're going what do you mean and he was like

would you have anyway oh fuck oh god that's awful is it yeah do you reckon the officer in direct and do you reckon they know what rewind is because well they won't know it as in like actual rewinding yeah I think it's the word for reverse for content ah shit everything's we're getting older aren't we I love the best thing about this

is we're having this thing being like younger people are doing this god that makes us old there are 45 year olds listening to this podcast listening to a 26 year old and a 28 year old being like oh god they're talking about being old that's muggly that's muggly as well going like well you know uh when i was a kid we're being muggles right now by going oh god how old are we yeah oh it's a total thing yeah yeah that's an absolute muggle thing just to be like oh we just muggled ourselves into m muggle mugger ourselves into a tight corner uh so yeah no i absolutely agree if you answer your fucking phone it's inexcusable

it's inexcusable it's not it's rude on to it's rude to many people the person on the other end of the phone anyone who's in your company and you just fucking let them suffer with your fucking ringtone and also them not know because i see when someone else gets a phone call I'm like who was it yeah I'm a nosy bastard I want to know absolutely I'll answer your phone from the right from now on anyway I'm answering your phone I'm gonna call out my sister on this one right yeah so she is very introverted I mean we could phone her to get her on but she wouldn't fucking answer she absolutely would not about I reckon about four or five years ago uh fairly newish to comedy i was getting interviewed on radio about doing the fringe and i was driving and the radio station called me

and i was like with my sister and i took out my phone i went i don't want to answer when i'm driving i'm like can you answer this tell them i'll call them back in five minutes and she went oh no i can't do that and i was like and answer this fucking phone right now otherwise I might not get interviews out oh no just call them in a bit and I was like no no no this is unacceptable

yeah yeah I nearly fucking lost out on the interview because of it fucking hell see that's one thing like we were talking about this the other day

like obviously now we are fortunate enough not enough to not really suffer from depression or anxiety and stuff aye we're both extroverts

mainly to an extent yeah yeah I've got introverted parts but because I was I was reading some to not really suffer from depression or anxiety and stuff. We're both extroverts, mainly. To an extent, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I've got introverted parts. Because I was reading some dank memes the other day. And one of the ones was people, when sometimes I love the memes that are related, but the ones where it's like about crippling depression, I find them funny because the jokes in it are good,

but I generally don't relate to. But one of the ones that kept coming up is like, my friends that are anxious just being like, having to prepare yourself from a phone call. And the ignorance I have of just like, that is such an alien idea to me.

I can't even, and there is absolute sympathy for it, but I'm just like, it's a phone call. I must sound like how people that have depression when they're like, why don't you just smile?

I'm that for people who have anxiety. I think i obviously i don't think i've got anxiety but sometimes i will get a phone call and i know what it is and i'm like right okay and i'll give it the extra couple of ring then answer i don't know do you do that or are you just straight oh any also any number anyway yeah is this why all right bye okay yeah, I'll sometimes give it a ring and go, right, okay, here we go. But I don't go like, oh, no. Occasionally, occasionally, and she'll know this is true, and I do apologize, Marlena, to my agent.

Sometimes Marlena is so on the fucking ball as an agent, but what will happen is she'll phone you up for a bunch of questions, and then she'll forget what she was going to ask you because she'll be distracted by so many other things and ask questions. And then she'll phone you again two minutes later, and then she'll phone and be like gonna ask you she'll be distracted by so many other things and ask questions yeah and then she'll phone you again two minutes later and then she'll be like I forgot fuck sorry and then again and again it's all like she's working through the whole time but that time that fourth one comes through the only reason I don't answer it instantly is because I'm just shouting

FUCK! I'm just screaming. W down so that's the only time I'll ever delay I'm a confident young fellow I am a confident young fellow and how lucky I am muggles like the movie La La Land fucking send your way into the corner you pathetic jazz

just loving piece of shit you're just susceptible, Have you seen it? I've not seen it yet. It's the fucking worst. I was going to go today. It's the fucking worst. I was sat there. Now,

I make Gene watch a lot of shit movies. Yeah. Sometimes we like the same stuff. We like watching movies together. Right? And I like Ryan Gosling. I like Emma Stone. And I thought this was the sequel to Crazy Stupid Love.

So maybe, maybe some of this is my fault, Gareth. I'm not saying it wasn't. But remember watching the trailers and again this may be interesting but didn't know it was a musical saw them singing and dancing in the thing but then i saw a lot talking as well i was like maybe it's not a musical this is like the time also this is the same idiot that went to see the movie producers not knowing it was a musical yeah so i'm an idiot i have a track record of this yeah I walk in, I'm like,

oh, no, we didn't watch it here. Illegally. And I'm like, is this a musical? She's like, I don't know. And then it's an opening number on the freeway filled with dance.

I'm like, fuck every part of this. Do you not like musicals? No, no, no. You know what I do? Like Team America, absolutely. Book of Mormon, great. South Park, the movie great

i've seen sunshine on leaf not seen it that's pretty good i've seen we will rock here thought it was all right i've seen um i don't mind them i'm not like i personally think they're fucking muggly as shit but kai loves them nick cody surprisingly loves them cries at les mis muggle i've never seen les mis oh me neither but I wouldn't like the sad one, though. I went and saw Jersey Boys. I went and saw Live. I think Live's very different as well. And then I was going, I'm not going to like this.

I fucking loved it. It was so good. All the songs, I was like, they wrote this one as well? But see, that's the key. I think that's something. Hercules. The movie Hercules, I love. Disney musical.

Oh, yeah. You can trick me into liking a musical by making the songs catchy as fuck. That's what Team America did. That's what Book of Mormon did. I thought the songs were fucking funny. Same thing with We Will Rock You, right? Ah, I like Queen songs. Ah, you got me.

There is not one singable song in La La Land. No. Not one singable fucking song. I don't know what they're singing about. It's about jazz, which I don't care what anyone says, is fucking shite. If you like jazz, you're a fucking idiot. I love you.

Pleased to listen to the podcast. But you're so wrong. Jazz is the improv of music. Some improv's alright. Some improv's alright. The majority of him we say improvs all right because we're friends with the noise next door and we go watch whose line is it anyway and all the other good impromptu yeah you forget how much you've seen a bad American improv a lot of it is fucking horrific like it's

jazzy shit so that's not enjoyable it's about la which is like the most soulless city in the fucking world i go there a lot and i like being there it's a soulless place yeah you've just made a shit musical about a fucking shit place with shit songs and they tap dance for some reason and i can fuck off with the rest of the things that happened in the 50s i seen a thing i seen a bit of it when they're sat on a bench and they start doing this thing with their feet when their feet are moving about and i was going like it looks like it looks like an old film i'll probably go see it still do it yeah come fucking but hate it with me but even gene was like gene because we mean we're going to not an argument we're going to just you know laugh

with each other, because I was talking about how much I hate musicals and she was like, you don't hate all musicals. And she's absolutely correct that I don't, but how it works to argue with me is if you tell me how I feel about something, even if you get that right, I'm stubborn. I'll just take the opposite stance on what you have to say, because fuck you,

you don't know me. Well, no, I can agree with you there, because I'm 100% sure I'll fucking hate opera and I'll never go to opera oh opera I can suck a ball yeah even I didn't like

Jerry Springer the opera someone was like oh you'll love this you're an atheist watched it meh not for me

it's just faffing about innit I I just it's a lot of faff a lot just unnecessary faff yeah

I just don't get music why would you dance I don't like it doesn't why yeah and I've been in a bunch of musicals

I've been in loads I was in Jesus Christ Superstar I was in well performing in them yeah alright oh I would

I don't know if you know this story I used to go every every year I used to go to the theatre the Emerson Theatre and they would do like a week thing where you'd learn like a fucking musical or whatever and then you'd perform it for like friends and family in the public they did one where the woman

wrote and it was called time switch and it was like a internet version of the wizard of oz and because i was a good actor and funny and confident, she gave me one of the lead roles, but I cannot sing. I'm an awful singer. Yeah, I know that. And it was so bad that I had to learn how to rap it. Like, I had to,

because they couldn't recast me, but I had to fucking, and I'm sure a video exists, which will be getting burned the second it gets found, mother. It's, it's just me rapping, and I just remember it being fucking atrocious

that's amazing Leslie if you do manage to find that I will post it I'll save my email address mum I will like

don't mum you're getting to an age now where you know what your people fall down stairs sometimes don't they

your people your old people you know sometimes you had a fall get to that age stuff happens stuff happens you get new floors in maybe they're too slippy maybe you have a sudden fall if that video gets found and you don't burn it mother love you um i would i used to try and do a joke about musicals where um somebody said to me oh i wish life was more like a musical and I was like well parts of life are

like if you go to a football game it's pretty close there's a lot of colour a lot of pageantry suddenly you'll start bursting into song like the Scottish team

sing Do A Deer so like they're like this tartan army singer that would be why is why is there not a hooligan based musical

I don't know I imagine there probably is Billy Elliot a musical oh I guess no there wasn a hooligan-based musical? I don't know. I imagine there probably won't be one. Is Billy Elliot a musical? Oh, I guess. No, there wasn't hooligans. Ballet. There's a boy that does ballet. I think you...

I meant... He was from a tough place. I'm such an idiot. I love the... I meant the minus. Any ballerinas out there, don't step up to Daniel. Yeah. I've met all...

He's been a musical theater he's wrapped in a musical uh yeah so if go see la la land and you'll confirm but i i will 100% say if you enjoyed the movie la land you are the most basic muggle and i know you i know you think it was arty i know there's muggles out there who are like no it was actually there was some good no there wasn't there wasn't any good moments in it. It wasn't clever. It didn't subvert the genre in any way. It wasn't clever that it was an ambiguous ending where it could have gone two ways and how it all hinged on it.

None of that is true. You were overanalyzing like a fucking English teacher grasping onto your youth because you're so terrified of the death that so rapidly approaches you. It was shite. You're going to be dead soon. Okay, Gareth, what's your next one? My next one. I don't know. I feel like this is maybe one you've maybe done before.

If not, then absolutely. Muggles have a family tree. Wait. So they've went back and found out what their great, great, great, great granddad's name was and what he did oh and they would they make it themselves yeah like that ancestry.com oh yeah oh is it i mean i might nah i know here's the thing i'm saying it's muggly i would quite like to do it yeah see i think it's muggly as fuck though i went yeah i think yeah because i'm i because when you i would say it wasn't muggly because i was like no that is something that would be interesting

and i'm like oh that is kind of muggy yeah yeah yeah i went to the what was his name yeah because what's what do you what it doesn't affect you do you know your great great great great great great great great granddad was a forester okay all right so what does that mean yeah what is that yeah like Was he Forrester? Okay. All right, Grant. So, what does that mean? Yeah, what does that... Yeah, that doesn't make any difference. My dad is a computer programmer, and I can turn on computers. It's all clear.

Well, I better stop this comedy while I can pick up an axe. Yeah, it's not going to change anything. To be fair, I would love to see Kai's family history. His family tree. I think we'll go back love to see Kai's family, his history, his family tree. It could go back four generations. It's an amoeba. Yeah.

Your great, great, great, great granddad was a fish. His family tree's upside down. Just branches growing into a just massive log. There's no branches at all. This is brother and sister um yeah Kai's family tree's a stick I uh

Richard Wiseman do you know him Edinburgh psychologist kind of guy I don't know if that's the right word he very interesting man he used to do live shows he used to do an Edinburgh secret society thing where every month they would put on a gig but they wouldn't tell you about it until like the day before so you bought tickets and it was pretty cool and they used to always have these really interesting people

from edinburgh or just wherever they used to have a guy who was like a close-up magician that went and that was really cool they had people who would like taught fencing so they'd talk fencing and they did loads and loads of stuff like that and one of them they had those people that they had a business on the royal mile where you could find out about your ancestry and they went we've done it for you richard and that's the reason i said forester because they they went back and they were like your great great great person lived in they lived in dumfries and they were a forester and then we went back a little bit further and they lived in dumfries and they were a forester and i was listening to this going this is dull as fuck because the only reason you're kind of doing it

is because you hope you're interested am I royally please please Jesus yeah yeah it's literally you are it's kind of like a new lottery yeah you're like please just William Wallace just somebody cool make them yeah so I know a sloth like I've not gone into it but basically I know a sloth like I've not gone into it but basically I found a sloth I'm just assuming all sloths

are related so I'm like we must be it's such an uncommon fucking name there's a lot in the west

and the north of Scotland because it's a Viking name and that's where they settled yeah I found out

apparently one of the first sloths was a priest which means in order for my family to exist somebody broke their vows.

He was one that apparently took a vow of celibacy. Who's like, I'll take a vow of celibacy up till 6pm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, if I'm drunk, I don't know. The onion wine's pretty strong.

6pm on Friday, the Lord's book's closed and my legs are open. And also, because Slaus comes from a Viking thing, it means we were set. That's why I'm blonde hair and blue eyed. But I mean, that could have been consensual, is all I'm saying. Nope, absolutely not. I recently, and I'm talking

like two or three days ago, I added Gareth Wall on Facebook. I added my namesake oh that's that's a muggle thing to do to add someone who's got the same name as you muggle the shit that is let me tell you why i did it right because you're a fucking muggle no no right so i my my website's a little bit run down just now so i was going to make a new one okay so i went to make a new one and for about five or six years i've been looking at garethwa.com now it's been owned by this one guy gareth not me yeah it's been owned by another guy and i swear to god all that was on the website six years ago was just a photo of him

and some chick and a campfire yeah and that was it and it had a link to his facebook that was all that was it was just that was the website. Yeah. Kept checking it every year. Kept looking at it. It's always the same, right? And then I looked at it when I was doing up my website the other day. I went and looked on it again

and the picture had changed. It was a, it was a baby in a car and it was still just a link to his Facebook but I was looking at that going, oh,

got us a baby. He's just having a little stalk. So then I thought, right, fuck him. Please tell me that's not how you opened up there hey congrats on the baby no that would have been so weird i should do that so i've not opened up the dialogue yet but the reason i added him was to try and get that name off him but there's another gareth watt on twitter who follows me and then i followed him back because he's a race car driver in america no it used to be oh see like a big one i had a daniel sloss from new zealand who when i was much younger and much more famous uh would

just get because i used to be daniel underscore sloss and i changed it to daniel sloss and then this kid took the name and just oh i reckon he gets home with death threats yeah like because like i get a surprisingly small number of like negative tweets and stuff and that's not a hint cunt i know he fucking like um yeah yeah so i i reckon he's just getting this just this poor 17 year old kid yeah being like you got my sister pregnant or whatever yeah yeah um well i agree with you i am a bit of a muggle for adding that. So what was the first one? The original one was you have a family tree.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll agree. That's quite muggly. I'll just do this one quickly. People who involve themselves in tragedies. For example, like the amount of people I saw today. Like, we can all agree what's happening in America with this Muslim ban thing is absolutely fucking awful, right? But the amount of people that are going on being like oh i've got a friend

who's muslim and the idea of this happening is just awful like oh you know what i don't have any friends that are muslims and i'm still horrified by it you are not like don't you shut up oh i know someone that's affected by this so i think it's awful that makes me a better person than you because i don't know anyone affected by this and i'm like oh this is awful you are clearly oh i've been to paris lovely and what's going on there is horrific no it's it's horrific all the time yeah not because you're related to it in some way it's the most narcissistic oh to think i could have been on one of those flights fuck you yeah Stay out of it! Here's the thing, though.

I agree with everything you're saying. I think that's a terrible thing to do. I don't really think it's muggly, though. No? No, I don't think that's something normal people do. That's just something that can't do. Maybe that's a good point, actually. Maybe it isn't.

I don't think it's muggly in the way that, when we spoke about the wooden letters on a shelf yeah i think you actually i think that might actually be a very valid point this is a thing i was thinking about i was listening to a lot of them a lot of the podcasts and i feel we have a real tendency just to agree with it we're like yeah i agree it's muggly yeah there's been a lot of that so i was like i'm gonna come in and stir the pot a bit oh mixing it up making it controversial well no in fact you have argued

your case very well there that it's just a cunt thing to do and the thing about muggles is we always need to stress is being a muggle does not make you a cunt

so because that's a cunty thing to do you're absolutely correct so it is not in the corner ooooh perfect alright let's run through them

and then let me go for a joint and then we'll do your dad jokes. Okay. So my two ones that got through, if you enjoyed La La Land, Margle, sing your way to the corner. Tap dance in there, you loner.

And then just to rile Gareth up, people who call themselves Topher instead of Christopher. Oh, you fucking cunts. Oh, you muggly fucks. Yeah, that's awful. Because they've gave themselves that. Nobody else has come into that. Nobody else has went,

you know what you should call you? I'm going to start calling you Topher. They've done that themselves. Oh, they totally have. Oh, you fucking prick. I forgot all about that. I need a cigarette. So my three were people who write clean me on dirty surfaces, particularly

vehicles. People who don't answer the fucking phone. Answer the phone! People who have a family tree. Cool. Let's go smoke, de-stress about Topher, and then we'll come back for your doubt. I'm never going to de-stress. Right, we're back. You have a quick story to tell,

apparently. Yeah, I just thought of it there when I nipped to the toilet. It's one of the funniest things that happened at Altitude, and I never told anybody about it. And I think it's quite a muggly thing as well. I was having a poo in a public toilet, and there was nobody in. But then I heard the door open, so I went, I'm going to hold off. I don't know if it's muggly or just polite. I was like, right, hold on.

So I'm kind of just going slowly, right? So the person's pissing, they don't know i'm in there and then i like a bit of a fart came out and it was kind of like like that and the guy went oh hello and then he started like pissing himself he was like let it all out he was like laughing and then i started like really fucking pissing myself laughing because it was so funny and the two of us were just laughing. And I stayed in there until they left. I didn't want to come out. And I've got a funny feeling it was Sam from Abandonment.

So, Sam, if you're listening and you heard somebody fart in a toilet, that was me. Sorry about that. Me and Sam, two years ago at Altitude, accidentally, we were both dying for a shit, so we decided to go together. Both went downstairs, got into cubicles beside each other and started shitting and loudly describing our shits yeah and then we heard two women talking and realized we'd walked into the female bathrooms

because both doors were vandalized right we just we got the fucking labels wrong yeah so we walked into that just the only two cubicles in there we didn't notice there was no wall pisser but just go in there and just two women they were so right to be angry come into a bathroom a nice clean bath well ish clean

for that by their standards compared to male toilets and just sit here two men loudly describing the shits they're having

oh that's bad right your dad jokes yes my favourite round I'll go first your dad cops the word f My favourite round. I'll go first. Your dad cops the word faggot at funerals.

Do you know the level we're gathering today? Your dad throws coins in birdbaths to make a wish. Your dad farts in condoms at work, seals them and then pops them at home to show you and your family what you missed. So this was lunch. That's a good one. Your dad blows on his cereal to cool it down. The driver's side door handle of your dad's Lotus

at least broke a year ago and since then he's been using a suction cup dildo. He's the only person I know who opens the car door with his mouth. The passenger side as well. Not even allowed to drive it. Your dad uses a shopping trolley to buy lottery tickets. Your dad uses a shopping trolley to buy lottery tickets.

Your dad covers his eyes during the sex scenes in Game of Thrones. Tell me when it's over. Your dad has a bookmark for his Now magazine. Your dad cried when his Xbox Kinect didn't recognise him when he got back from Christian camp. There is no God! Your dad wears

tennis rackets on his feet when he's eating ice cream. He's an Arctic explorer. Your dad's being sued by the church for molesting priests. And he turned up to the court with a shirt on that said, Any Pope's a goal. Your dad got invited to an 80s-themed party,

so he deliberately got AIDS. I should have said, Any PayPal's a gay pal. Any clergy's an orgy. Your dad's goldfish had kids that your dad didn't think he could raise, so he put them in a brown sack and threw them in the river. Oh, grim. Your dad has an ashtray for his candy cigarettes.

Your dad raised you after finding you as a baby floating in a wicker basket in the river. This is also the reason why your siblings are a shopping trolley, a dead dog and a jobby. And a tyre he got when he was fishing. Your dad keeps saying he used to have a camouflage jacket but lost it that is a felder dad joke oh i'm absolutely doing that from now on your dad brushes his teeth with sandpaper and wipes his arse with steel wool

your dad puts a cocktail umbrella in his coffee whenever your mom and dad argue your dad storms off slams the door and makes faces at your mum and then gets scared when she says I know what you're doing he's just in there like how does she know

your dad says if in doubt hoof it out about your mum very good very good well that was the podcast it's coming out Monday Muggins will be back on Thursday I don't know who his guest is it might be Andrew Stanley

it might be someone else thank you for coming on the podcast when is your fucking Glasgow show it's the 10th of March and you've all been paid now so there's no excuses to not be buying tickets alright show it's the 10th of March and you've all been paid no no excuses to not be buying tickets all right and it's in Glasgow 10th March 7pm yes bar yes bar so go along and see that and also Valentine's Day you gonna be nice to your girlfriend are you gonna come do work in progress okay great so we're both doing work in progress in Edinburgh

on whatever day Valentine's Day is. I think it's Tuesday, the 14th. Yeah, the 14th. £3 tickets to come watch me, Gareth, and some of the comics, do some of the material, I reckon. State might be on it. That's not a promise, but he's interested. So Tom State will be there.

That'll be great. Apart from that, I'm doing Australia. It's all on my website you know how this works thank you for listening can't talk to you later love you bye bye