Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Acoustic Tanks

Episode Date: December 25, 2024

Muggins and Cream reinvent the voting system so everyone get's a multiplier that changes the value of your vote depending on what you've been reading. Daniel get's miss-sold an adoption and doesn't get to raise his zoo animal, they speculate which other animals got rode into battle before they settled on horses. Kai realises he's playing stand-up as a multi-class.   Go to thistlycrosscider.co.uk and use code: THISTLYSLOSSDECEMBER for 10% your order, for UK residents only.

Say... Dinoslauch! Say Ladies and Gentlemen! Duh! Go on, repeat after me. Yeah! Dinoslauch! You don't need to hold it.

Put them over there. You can go, Ladies and Gentlemen! Dinoslauch! Copy off me. Dinoslauch! That's good. Can you copy off me now? No. Ladies!

Dinoslauch! Because you can edit that after. Ladies. I thought you were helping. You're helping? Daniel Sloss. Just say Daniel Sloss over and over again. Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin Fucking muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats?

That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rip job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Rock.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Fuck. Rock. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Fuck. Rock.

Fuck. Rock. Fuck. Rock. Fuck. Rock. Right? Did he teach him that though?

I don't know. I don't know. He's realised he's got the response from saying fuck, hasn't he? I was thinking so. You haven't taught him fuck nope he mispronounced

it and then he realised that you're getting way more reaction from me me and Cara weren't in the room Cara's parents

were down and my mother-in-law had taken Caitlin through to her room to teach him this song no

to I don't know I think she was just getting stuff and he loves helping help him with things. She came back and he's like, he's singing that song. And we were like,

what song? Because normally he sings the Polar Express song because he loves the Polar Express song. So he just says, hot chocolate, hot chocolate all the time. We're like,

oh, that one. And he comes back through. And man, he's never, he's sworn twice in his life, right? Once was when Cara said,

bastard. Oh, there's that time in the car oh bugger yeah it's bugger yeah cara said bugger and he repeated bugger and then we managed to convict we managed to gaslight him and make him think that she was saying burger so they had to deal with burger for a couple of days it's fine and then there was a time when he was so young that when i slammed on the brake and he went fucking hell but we're not sure whether that was the same fucking hell or whether that was

just like a noise and he's never said it since right no I'm not gonna I'm not delusional he's heard the word fuck I'm his dad like Cara's his mum

he's heard he's not like censoring yourselves around him we tone it down but there's sometimes like man the other day

one of them I know I mean we'll have to pause it can Matthew run and get us one can you run and get us

a little advert now firstly cross sorry there's a reason I stopped this is I thought wow to that I thought we'd completely ran out

of the there's been another delivery there's been another delivery so I just stopped there Because I had I had one little taste of it

On the podcast Before the European tour And I came back And it was gone Oh yeah By the way By the way It was gone

Well before you came back And while I've been away Loads of people Have been ordering it And they're Sending us the pictures Of the rum cask And I'm like

Genuinely jealous That I haven't been able To join the party It's so good With everyone It's so good Oh here's the worst cat in the world Who And I'm like Genuinely jealous That I haven't been able To join the party That's so good With everyone That's so good Oh here's the worst cat In the world

Who you are You little piece of shit Oh hello darling This is very Disruptive This is your Christmas Special by the way Disrupted for booze

And Anyone that's watching The video If you want to see The worst cat in the world It's this one I got heckled By a cat in Turkey

Aye Aye I was doing My dog material Does that make sense And a cat walked on stage And I was doing my dog material that makes sense catwalk on stage it was perfectly timed come over here

you horrible piece of shit and it was class because they just have Roman cats not Roman cats just class gladiatorial date a Roman

at the front door it's the open one oh yeah sorry sorry the front door the front front open one Oh yeah sorry Sorry The front door The front front door Nah None of that

Nah They They just roam around Like they just come into restaurants And they're just chilling They're just community cats And everyone like They're well fed

Because everyone looks after them Yeah Yeah Like what Like the fucking community cows in India Community dogs in India Yeah Yeah I think so

I don't think that's somebody's cat That's not somebody's cat That's just like we have cats And we all look after cats Greece just has lots of cats Ambient cats Yeah So like that was just normal for them

And I was just like This should be how it is You should just have like Ambient wildlife I don't know if you Well It's probably like hygiene things That like wouldn't be possible in the UK

And for people like my wife Who would make Going to Greece and seeing just all the fucking stray cats That it makes her very sad Oh no, they're so looked after The ones that come in sight There's gotta be They're not all living the dream The ones I saw in Turkey

Were really well fed They weren't fat but they were healthy They were healthy looking yeah it's a very very loose start the podcast cheers so back to my son swaying so he comes in and he starts singing that song first of all we've never heard him sing jingle bell rock right don't get me wrong we play christmas music because we love christmas in this household but you're like you're never really aware of what he's picking up and then he comes in

she says he's singing that song he starts singing jingle bell jingle bell and we're like great we love this then he says fuck and we all do such a good job of like not reacting to it and i'm like what he goes jingle bell jingle bell fuck and i'm like buddy it's it's rock and he was like oh okay and then he sang it again jingle jingle rock and we all give him a little round of applause because we're like great you've smashed it you just correct it we don't give him the reaction so he actually has said rock at this point and then i made the mistake of being like, can you just let me film you? What were you saying before? And he starts doing that.

And like, we're not laughing at it, but the fact that he's being filmed, he's like, well, this is clearly so. He knows that when we film something, we're going to show people. And then when you're going rock, he's like, fuck. Yeah. So it was two days of just singing Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, fuck.

And like me being like rock. And he's like, what's fuck? And I'm like, it's just the wrong words, man. And he's like, what does fuck do? Right? Because that's what he asked. Anything. What's fuck do?

And I'm like, oh, my. So even I'm being inquisitive about that word, it's really funny. Yeah, because then I'm like, I don't want to teach him well how do you approach right do you go hey this is like a i don't want to say it's a bad word because i disagree with that they're bad words i think they're words that upset people and that's why they're fun but like there is a responsibility like my i remember when i was young and like i'm gonna be i'm gonna say i was about nine or ten and one of my friend's parents pointed to my mom being like daniel swears a fair bit and my mom was like yeah yeah he does i noticed yeah just because it doesn't hold any power at home yeah and she and he's and she was

like is he allowed to do that my mom was just like well i mean yeah and then i think he like i don't know if it got in her head but she was like i guess if it's strange one because all the words that are considered swear words are apart from like shit and piss which are like swear word lights yeah like they're all sexually loaded ones so you're probably keeping them words the kids's mouth because you wouldn't even want them saying the the real words for you wouldn't want them to say sex even though that's not a swear word like why are they why are the same words that i had to do with putting a cock in a fanny like why are they like that so even though like whether he's saying jingle by fuck he's not saying fuck as in sex no but like it comes with the question so what's fuck and you're like oh we could probably shield them from this for a little bit longer fuck is several

meanings and like 20 of the meaning of fuck is sex like fuck is fuck is damn etymology of all them words like if i call someone a cunt i never mean vagina no but the etymology of fuck is sex like fuck is fuck is damn the etymology of all that words like if i call someone a cunt i never mean vagina no but the etymology of it is vagina yeah but i mean fuck that fuck is a place get to fuck right it's a it's it's an adverb shut the fuck up i'm just thinking why we do like like if there's something that we've lost and gone well it's only a swear word if you give it power there must have been a reason why they didn't do it, why they decided not to let kids say these words. Because the older generation sucks shit, right?

And they were a bunch of... But it's prudish, isn't it? It's prudish. They were all hoity-toity, and they wanted to pretend they were upper class and fucking better than they were. And they wanted to be able to look down at other people because swearing was a thing that the common people did right because they were working in fucking mines and bending

sheet metal and they would lose their arms in a forge and they would go fuck and they'd be like well we're not going to do that because we drink wine we're just going to say the n word like we just got no sexual connotation so the children can say that i cannot fucking say like for me you know that thing of like swearing shows uh this is what people say so swearing shows a lack of vocabulary i think the opposite i think being offended by swearing is a sign of low intelligence i think it's such a low emotional intelligence for sure yeah somebody told you to be upset by this thing the only reason

you're offended by swearing is because somebody older in your life when you were young it's a boundary it's a boundary that you're not even questioning yeah and you're just like

and that upsets me now like nothing makes me laugh fucking more or like videos where it's you know Scottish kids

or Scottish grandparents or Scottish parents and people just swear in the way Scots do and you've got all these fucking yanks or Canadians being like, I'd be mortified if my granny ever said cunt. You're like, well, fucking... I'd be mortified if my gran fucking went to church

and prayed for gays to die. So, like, I guess we both have different fucking boundaries on what's cool for a... It is mad that like what you said before with the n-word like there's people that would be genuinely like fucking bigoted and racist and offended by swearing and they'll actually like you go

right so it's not even the content of your words that matter it's the words themselves that are the bother yeah it's just like oh I couldn't I couldn't I'm doing wrong actually I could probably swear less. I mean, I'm never going to. I'm over-threatening.

Is there a situation where you would be a little bit annoyed by someone swearing? What if you had a funeral for a relative and the guy doing the sermon swore? Class. If you forgot what he was saying, what's the thing like you know the you know the guy serving the serving the subway sandwich when he was like

he forgot the word cheese and he was stoned he was like you want some of this shit yeah like if he just threw in something like that like doing a if somebody was just like yeah so i guess we're gonna um just put your gran in there and um oh i don don't know, burn her to fuck? Great. Big fan of that. Is there anywhere where swearing would, like, bother you at all? Like, what about, like, what about if you were in the soft play and there was, like, a netty last, like, fucking, just effing and blining conversation with a mate?

Would you be bothered by that at all? No, because, again, it would, no. I think if someone were to swear, like, at, no, yeah, no, not even at my kid. I've sworn at my kid, not intentionally, but like the other day. If someone were to refer to your child as that little cunt. That's how I refer to them.

I'll say to Gary, I'm like, which cunt do you want to get out of the car the fucking the fat one or the fun one Aayla's not even that fat I thought you were

tired of her Cara she's greatly upset it's Cara no like no because like even even the swearing like if somebody

were to swear in front of my kids and he was to be like what does does bastard, what does cunt mean? It's my job to be like, hey man, like that's a word that upsets some people, which is what my mum did when it was brought up that I swore. She sat me down, she was like, you shouldn't swear. And I was like, why not? And she was like, I don't fucking know, man.

Like, because you shouldn't. And my dad was like, you can't tell them not to do something unless you can justify it. And she was like, well, don't do it at school and don't do it man like because you shouldn't and my dad was like you can't tell them not to do something unless you can justify it and she was like well don't do it at school and don't do it in front of your grandparents

there are people who will get upset by it and if that causes a reaction from them that I have to deal with I can't be arsed with that and I was like oh that's fair enough

but then I think that's a good lesson to teach a kid to be like right this is this word it's got power for some fucking reason

it's got power so you and you have therefore it's got power for some fucking reason. It's got power. So you, and you have, therefore it's your responsibility with that power, right? Don't tell your mum to fuck off in public, right? Like you do swearing in the way I do, which is like, don't use it in anger towards me or your mother. I would never, when I get upset with Cara,

I don't fucking swear at her, right? I'm not like, you've been a fucking piece of shit that's when it's like aggressive and awful but if i'm joking around with her i'll be like you're a piece of shit it's tone and it's yeah i it's intent the with me um me god kids i'd we'd swear in front of them so much because grassy had them three girls like from the age of 15 and then and over the next five years right he had them three girls from the age of 15 and over the next five years, right? He had them three girls. So we were always around his house because it was easier for us

to come to him than him to come to anywhere we were. So we'd go and run. So we're just a group of lads playing champ manager, just fucking playing cards. These three girls were running. We'd swear in front of them. We'd never heard them swear. They'd never swear because they just knew,

don't do as we do. The same as we would drink in front of them but they wouldn't drink yeah they were just like oh that's a thing for adults and they just knew that yeah you just wouldn't repeat it i don't know i i think that's where you can teach your like kids man i can't tell my son not to swear when my job is swearing hi right so much of what i do is when i'm I'm not going to be like, oh, it's a bad thing, because they're going to be like, but you do it all the time. But can you just do the adult swear?

You drink. Yeah, but he understands that he's not allowed to do adult drinks. Like me and Craig Hill was around yesterday, we were having a couple of bottles of fucking champagne, a couple of fizz. I say champagne,

it was Marks and Spencer's Buck Fizz. Who am I pretending to be? Sounds quite nice. I was. I think it was like fucking something in Clementine, Cranberry and Clementine. And he was like think it was like something in clementine cranberry and clementine um and he was like can i have some of that and i was like not until you're older he was like why i'm a big boy i'm like i understand that you're a big boy even though you're objectively not you're

a tiny little boy but fair enough you're a big boy in your head you do big boy things i'm like this exists and you just can't have it yet i I think it's quite exciting as a child when you know, like, you know, when you're a certain age, you can do a certain thing. Like, you know, you can get your provisional license at that age or you can buy a scratch card or have a cigarette. Like, if you've got these things, if that's what you can have when you're that age. Like, I remember looking forward to them things. It felt like a million years away as well, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaking of provisional licenses there, so I'm definitely not going to go back and start doing fucking stand-up in January just around Edinburgh and stuff. Are you actually? Yeah, just to stand monkey bun. I'll find some places to just get up and do it.

So I've been... That's not a decision I made, but my brain has just started, like, writing stand-up in my head for me. Oh, good. That's good. And one of the ones I was thinking of doing, which is, you know how in the UK, right,

there's two tests you have to sit before you get your driver's license, right? You got your actual driving test, which is like going to this on the road. But then there's the... There's the theory. Theory, right. Which comes now with, we didn't do it. Oh, maybe then there's the there's the um theory theory right which comes

now with uh we didn't do it oh maybe you did the hazard perception yes the hazard perception test is a very like i think it's a really good important test which is they show you the video of a car driving as if you are and you have to click anytime you see something on the screen someone's about to step out behind a van or something yeah a bus has stopped there so that means even though people shouldn't somebody might be stepping out from in front of that bus coming out you've got to stop there cars pulling out here there's roadworks there where you're going to have to cross the other and you gotta go danger danger danger danger click click click click click right and that's to show that you can recognize the dangers on the road before you're allowed on the road i think there needs to be a provisional test for voting, right?

And if you can't click out of six images what is very fucking clearly fake news, a deep fake, or something like that. The same way we have to prove we're not robots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you can't do that when you walk into the voting booth, right, and you go, oh, that's a real news story, that's a real news story,

that's an opinion piece, that's just a lie. This is fucking fake. If you can't get that, yeah, man, you're going to the vote. We're not counting it. Aye. I think because everybody should have the right to vote,

you should get a multiplier and some people should be times 0.1 yeah so you get your vote but you fucked your vote your vote rating the same as your uber rating there's some people not going to pick you up yeah right so i reckon you should have qualifiers on that and i say that knowing that like my vote would be less than a full point. I'm probably getting 75% of a vote. Aye. Like I'm too thick, I think, to... I didn't go to university. You know how everything's tracking your reading now?

Yeah. I mean, just track your reading. Just go and see what he read. Yeah. See what he read. He's not getting a 1.0 yeah on his vote

yeah he spent his whole time on Reddit yeah yeah yeah 80% of the books he's read in the past five years have been by

Brandon Sanderson he's not getting a full vote you've seen what he's been liking on Facebook he hasn't read the article he didn't click on that

article before he liked it yeah he didn't click on it you've got that data just use it and fucking mark what votes do please

it's what I was saying on the last podcast you're not allowed to be anonymous online he's got everything you've ever posted there should be a fucking organisation

that looks through everything you've ever posted how many times you've shared something that was so clearly not fucking true and by the way you can get your vote back up

just read The Economist just fucking read The Economist or something right and it's tracking your reading and all of a sudden you've been on economist more than you've been on facebook you're now 1.1 on your vote yeah yeah like just track my shit track what track where we're getting my fucking data from and then mark we're down on it yeah it should also be uh i think tax based not the amount of tax you pay but how much of the tax you're supposed to pay that you

pay so like if you're a working class person and you pay your i don't know what the tax rate for a normal human being is right i think it's like after after um 12 grand it's 20 right and then after anything after like depends where you are scotland or england yeah it's around about 50 grand 40 right so if you're paying 20 tax you earn 35 000 a year and you pay that tax on time, that's straight in at a fucking point. Right, great. If you're earning over 50 grand, you're paying 40% tax,

you pay that on time, you're still getting the fucking full point. If you earn over 200 grand and you've got a bunch of fucking charities set up in the background and you keep money offshore

and you do all these other fucking things and you've got a bunch of properties. Yeah, charity. Your charity work to fucking make a tax disappear. No. offshore and you do all these other fucking things and you've got a bunch of properties which by the way i've never i'm not fully against that like i always say fucking you'd rather the money go into the charity yeah people say well david beckham the reason he gives the charity is because you know it says tax dodging it's like well i mean when you've got fucking tory government who aren't putting the money into the actual fucking system, the only way to make sure it goes to people in need is to do it directly.

I get really annoyed when, I don't know if it's like this working class defence mechanism, but you know when people talk about how much footballers get paid? Like, oh, that fucking, he's getting millions. They should give that money to teachers or doctors or whatever. Like, motherfucker motherfucker that guy he's making millions right one who do you want to get the money

the fucking person that's entertaining everybody because bear in mind we're all buying tickets I'd rather they were getting the money than anybody else because that's who I'm paying to watch I'd rather the slice of my ticket money was going to them the other bit is they're on from 50 grand upwards from 50 grand to the several million they're on a

40 tax bracket they are paying for the doctors and nurses that's exactly where almost half of their money is going if they pay their tax which i imagine a lot of them do why because it's like it's took its source in it well i mean messi didn't fucking pay tax for years didn't he that was the whole point i don't know no he didn't. But the Spanish are all crazy, dirty, cheating folks. I remember someone finding, they bought a car off from a place, and it was Raheem Sterling's old car, and his payslip was in there. And I remember the biggest eye-opening thing was his tax bill, because it was his payslip for the month, right?

And it was like, say, it was like fucking 300,000 or something. It was like nearly 1,500 was his tax. It was like, oh, fucking hell 300,000 or something. It was like nearly 1500 was like tax. It was like, oh, fucking hell. That's brutal. That's brutal. So I, I can't,

I can't imagine what the exact numbers were, but like they, they are fucking like when, when people do that whinge, I'm just like, oh, they're paying for the doctors and nurses way more than their politicians who are fucking putting everything against the taxes. Also people being like,

these footballers should be donated to charity. When Marcus Rashford paid for all those fucking kids getting school meals you were all still racist to him right

you were all so obscenely fucking racist to him you've been like oh he's fucking virtue cycling all of this fucking shit you're just not

you're just not happy the other joke yeah that crossed my mind we went to the zoo today right I think the biggest con in the world in the world uh huh The other joke Yeah That crossed my mind We went to the zoo today Right I think the biggest con In the world

In the world Uh huh Is when they tell you That you can adopt animals At the zoo You can You can sponsor an animal Oh aye aye

Right There's no adoption process You never adopt the goat That you had to send in No no no Send in a letter Me and Kat Have been trying for a red panda

For years Right Ended up with two fucking kids Right So if we want to adopt a red panda, Edinburgh Zoo is offering that out to us, right? It's not, I'm not, I don't get to fucking take out, I'm sponsoring, I'm finally sponsoring that.

I sponsored the sloth at Edinburgh Zoo for a fucking year. I'm happy to donate to the conservation. For the fun reason alone. Don't call it adoption, right? Right, because otherwise I'm going to adopt a bunch of kids. Right? I will happily adopt a kid if all that requires is me being like, they're like, hey, I come from a broken home.

My stepfather was really abusive. I've been malnourished for two years. Is there any chance you can adopt me? And I'm like, 100%. Here's 30 quid. And I'll see you in two months yeah but i won't touch me because i think you'll bite and i won't let us i want you to post to us and every time i send that money i'll be like oh sure you cancel that i just think it's one of those yeah it's that feels like

you know the word isn't adopt I'm not adopt it's not mine right you're telling me at Edinburgh Zoo right

however shout out to our dads by the way I really appreciate everybody who adopted me and Daniel and the dad tear if I

if I adopted the red panda at Edinburgh Zoo aye oh you are weak ends and you're in custody some form of custody I don't know if you know

the story about the Red Pandas in Rizu dying because of the fireworks no aye they got scared so recently

oh yeah like fucking what was it two months ago oh right sorry I thought you just meant the Scottish Cup final yeah two months ago

what bonfire night not even two months ago a month and a half ago one of the red pandas at Edinburgh Zoo died because

all the fireworks going off which makes me question are they really Chinese I fucking love fireworks out there I don't know

I don't know about red pandas they don't call it the Japanese firecracker that's for certain so one of the red pandas died

obviously very fucking sad and Edinburgh Zoo is in a really horrible position at the moment where they're trying to get the council to ban, or at least, well, yeah, ban fucking fireworks before Hogmanay because they're worried about the other fucking red panda. But obviously they can't do it.

So they've had to just put out like a decency call to the people of Edinburgh being like, hey. You live near the zoo, don't do fireworks. Yeah, don't do this. Like it scared the other one to death, which don't get me wrong what a shit animal

what a fucking shit animal Jesus fucking acting like a war vet you fucking climbed up a tree you heard a bang and you fell down grow up there's a red panda

because it's blushing because it embarrassed itself but look they're endangered that's fine you tell me next time on Hogmanay

fireworks go off both the parents die if i've adopted that red panda that red panda's coming home with me oh you're gonna do the burial don't call it don't call it adoption if i don't get it at the end of it that's not fair no you're selling me a fucking lie this is gonna be like stepdad ponzi scheme it's like loads of stepdads tearing up at the funeral it's it's like the you know the when you were little right and they're those toys which were like a dinosaur like a sponge dinosaur instead of a pill right or an egg or whatever and they would be like grows four times its size was the biggest scam ever because they know as a child when i hear four times the size i go double double

double double and then you put it in the water and it grows and they're like we meant 400 mass you thought it was gonna be squared i'm a kid you thought it was gonna you thought it was gonna be the root of no it's what you were expecting for i was not even necessarily the square root of but four times the size i'm thinking in my head length i'm a at the age of six i'm a two-dimensional fucking that's how i picture things i watch cartoons right i read fucking comic books it's all fucking 2d to me so twice as big it's twice as fucking long i didn't know we were adding this fucking girth aye so you

like one you're not going to take that back and try and get your money back on excuse me it's not four names of size

no and like two they're not that about returning business no they're conning kids aye

that's what's happening you're still falling for it this very day with the panda scheme it is chipping in on the panda aren't you is what you're doing which I'm fine with scheme it is chipping in on the panda aren't you it's what you're doing which i'm fine with if they called it chipping on the panda like i'm for

conservation here's the problem with zoos right is it's really difficult to know with that do i think animals should be locked away in smaller habitats than necessary for the entertainment of human beings. And send it to Scotland when they're meant to be in warm climate. No, but I think it's a, I also, on the other hand, I'm like, it's a really good way, and it's the best way to teach kids and people about animals and get them to love animals. Like, when you see these creatures up close, you're like, oh my God, we have to fucking protect these things.

Like, we have to do something. And it's, for me, I'm like, I wouldn't love animals as much as I do and want to protect something and it's it's for me i'm like i wouldn't love animals as much as i do and want to protect them and do the best if you hadn't had the exposure if i wasn't able to fucking get that close to a red panda and be like that's worth saving you can show me a picture all you want it's zoos are difficult like there was the polar bear at edinburgh zoo oh that was like sad i because i might come to see that years and years ago and it was just on this like repeat cycle jumping into

the water claiming that the water jumping into the water to the point that i was like oh shit this is on like a four next loop program and coding its head where it's not like it's not getting any enjoyment or anything out of this it's just fucking running the program yeah yeah and then and then they eventually because it was going mental and so many people complained about how mental it was going that they eventually released it into like a closed off section at this i think it was blair drummond safari park and like there's the video of it which is a very emotional video which is like this creature it was kept there for like fucking 10 years in this small confines, finally being released.

This is like a grassy field, losing its shit, loving it. I think it died three days later just out of happiness. Like, I think it was like, oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was like,

finally I'm at peace. Yeah, yeah. Or it's fucking like hardwired brain just short-circuited. Yeah. The thought of all the possibilities of action that it could take so like that's the side of zoos where i'm like that's definitely awful i don't want that

to happen and edinburgh zoo is really good now at least in my head it's like if you talk to any of the zookeepers there they're all clued up it's not just fucking steve who got a job as a janny and now he's cleaning out picture one thingippo shit. One thing I've noticed from like zoo visits in the past, especially that trip that we've done to Minneapolis, is like,

they fucking love them animals. Yeah. Like they would like grieve the death like it was a relative if any of them animals come to harm.

Yeah. And that's, and that's what you want is those people there. Like I reckon back in, back in the early days of the zoo, zookeepers were just

fucking carnies. Those people were like. That's the problem. I remember that polar bear was like a carny bear. I didn't feel like I was at the zoo. I felt like I was at a circus. We've contained this person for you, this person, this animal for you to look at. And you're like, well, thanks, but rather you didn't.

But now, if they've got a quality of life, which is finding that balance, isn't it? Rather you didn't Aye But no No like If they've got a quality of life Which is Aye It's finding that balance Isn't it Dad was Dad was telling me That when the Romans Had their coliseums

They would ship in Dozens of elephants And giraffes Per day Great To fight people In the coliseum And die

Like they just went through They went through animals Yeah but they weren't Fucking endangered back then Aye That's why they are now though man like the Romans

do that was man back in back in those days there was too many fucking elephants

in Africa that's what the fucking what do you call it was it Henry the 8th that was at where Tom

used to live the Tower of London I'm trying to say the Tower of London, Daniel. They had the menagerie, didn't they, where there was a fucking polar bear on a chain by the Thames. They just had all these mythical beings from around the world just there. There was no knowledge of... It was all just fucking ignorance.

Man, humans didn't have fucking rights then. Of course you're being shamed to fucking animals. Man, humans didn't have fucking rights then. Like, of course you're being shade to fucking animals. I don't mind. Like, man, back then, there was at least half a million fucking elephants. Discussing numbers? Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah.

There was half a million elephants. There was half a million fucking elephants, right? You've conquered a country, take a couple of animals, make it kill a bunch of fucking Celts. Go nuts. Man, if there was an excess of elephants now, I'd be like, let them kill a bunch of fucking Celts go nuts man if there was an excess of elephants

now I'd be like let them kill a bunch of French people just let them do it did they use elephants in war do you reckon

that was just Hollywood being Hollywood you know like 300 or whatever the Persians aye do you reckon they used

they must have done aye you're not gonna get into war and not use the fucking giant mammals that are cutting

on your land are you you're gonna utilise to get into war and not use the fucking giant mammals that are cutting on your land are you you're going to utilise them definitely

it's beasts of burden they were meant to have them in game

of thrones now but they ran out of the budget didn't they

I think so I because they didn't Cersei send

one of our lovers across the water to come back

with elephants I've spent so long since I've read the books and I'll never reread them again such a shame isn't it Send one of our lovers across the water to come back with elephants. It's been so long since I've read the books and I'll never reread them again. Such a shame, isn't it? It had everything, that. Aye. I remember when we were in Australia in 2019.

Go on, Matthew. There's a Wikipedia article for them, so they've been used. But the first paragraph includes the sentence, In modern times, war elephants on the battlefield were effectively made redundant by the invention of motor vehicles, particularly tanks. Yeah. They were just displaced by tanks. So are you telling me that they used to put coconuts up

their nose? They would put guns and stuff on them apparently in the Middle East. Imagine the film Fury but with an elephant. Acoustic tanks. Acoustic tanks. Okay, I've got my podcast title at least at least one thing's come of this yeah man if you go man i believe we had to like if we could if we could i say we just as human beings if we were able to fucking train horses

absolutely well it's just a it's just a pointing in the right direction of an animal isn't it like with with horses we managed to train them to a point where we're like, we need to get there. We've got the weapon, blah, blah, blah. Right. Like tigers would be great in battle if you could go on. We're wearing red. Don't get us.

They're wearing blue. Fuck them up. Like the tigers would have been absolutely bred for war. Rhinos. But the fact that you're just like putting chaos into the battlefield, it's not going to help your side? I reckon that must have been the funniest 40 years of fucking history, right? You're out on the plains of Africa, right?

You're living your life. And then the British, I assume, at one point, come over with their fucking horses, right? Start tearing down villages villages start burning shit start stealing all your fucking resources and you're just sitting there looking at me like how the fuck did they train those fucking horses to do that shit

here I am, fucking Bonara we blow dart this is a fucking shield made out of fucking hide we've got to get that and then you and your mates, you want revenge on these brits you see a pack of fucking rhinos you're like man that's a big horse that's a fucking massive you tell me man if we train fucking two of those that's a fat that's a fat unicorn

we are taking down a bunch i reckon there's about four years of history of just a bunch of african people being like lads we're doing it we're absolutely how many times you're gonna fall off your giraffe before you get enraged horses must just be because rhinos aggress i mean because you can't arrange zebras can you zebras won't have you Zebras are just that bit more feral Than a regular horse You ever think anyone Riding a zebra Into a battle Daniel?

I feel like they might Back in the day Before they were endangered Maybe that's why they were endangered Maybe they were better than horses Nah Anyone in history Ever ride fucking rhinos

Into a battle? They must have They've got to I refuse People must have rode camels Into a battle because they ride camels. Yeah, yeah, 100%. Like anything that you'll have like that you can ride on as an attraction, you can ride on in a battle, right?

Yeah, 100%. So you're going to take the Pepsi Max in a battle, are you? Dolphins. Holding on to both fins. Poseidon gotta take a lame scoot out of the battle

of you anything you can ride just getting sham out of cannon fucking cat boat

flip you out of the water that would fuck me up that would man I don't I don't care how fucking

lame it would be in reality if I'm on a fucking boat right I'm looking out for this bit of land i want to conquer one man holding on to two dolphin fins coming towards me i'm like lads

we gotta go there's no way he's doing that there's no there's no pa system but you can hear crazy chain crazy train planes somehow uh did i tell you i didn't think i did because i was overwhelmed by the shark story but on the same day that I got attacked by a shark small asterisk

come face to face with a shark double asterisk was in the vicinity of a shark and chapped me pants on the very same day earlier on

when I had my scuba girls on I could see dolphins just mucking around just a pod of dolphins like like pirouetting out the water

not like any boats around them not like part of a tour just a pod of dolphins living their life right within swimmable swimmable range

yeah and I started wait swimmable for them or you like they could probably meet us halfway and caught up the tape

right I don't know either right so I started like heading out of the table i don't know either so i started like heading out of the shallows towards this pot of dolphins that were having a great time and then pardon the pun bottled it bottled it because i was like if dolphins just decided that they didn't want like we just assume they're nice they are they are nice but like it just, like, shoving you around would be shade. Because I've been in the dolphin. I went to Cuba, and I had the dolphin experience where, like, two of them push from behind your feet.

Aye. So, like, yeah, you're just like, whoa, and then you go a little faster, and then they push you. And you're still on the dolphin. And all that. Like, they're trained dolphins that are probably, like, again, when you look into it probably captivity dolphins

that would rather be anywhere else in the world but you know if you're just swimming with wild dolphins I would hate them to just start fucking me shit up

like fucking Mimsy on South Park that gets fucked on the beach it wasn't Mimsy it was the other one Mimsy's mate Mimsy

I don't want like I absolutely fucking just give the dolphins the respect of like I'm not just going to swim into the middle of a bunch of wild dolphins. No I've heard too much about dolphins and the fact that they're just

so curious about fucking people imagine you just swim up with it you're like oh dolphins are overwhelming your heart's racing but like not in a scared kind of way just like this is the best experience of your life and then the dolphin just fucking took a chum and just bit your calf off your calf was fucking

hanging there limp like it's not even the sharpest teeth just the power of the jaw you gotta go back and tell your wife it was a shark that's a really long bite

for a shark imagine if this guy comes up and has a little look at you and then bam like

ah ah just like spank punches you right in the tit like hello man Brian straight

just fucking jam block it all block this blowhole cut your nose motherfucker yeah what are you gonna do now

swim straight down drown me in 45 seconds fish hook it's blowhole aye aye but eh

I just like I just had second thoughts about swimming up with wild dolphins. Here's a dumb question. Dumb one? Dumb one. Okay. Dumb one. Dolphins can see, right?

I know they use echolocation to fucking, but like their eyes also. They're not bats, Daniel. Right. They're not bats, but they do use bat sonar. Like the sonar bits to find things at longer distance than their eyes go. Yeah, you can't see very far underwater, especially if you're deeper down. There's not much light. Yeah.

So you can't see too far. How deep do dolphins go? It depends how strong they are, I guess. It's not entirely the size of the universe sometimes. You know, there's a whole world up there. Shut up, Steve. What are you fucking talking about? You know there's a whole world up there Shut up Steve

What are you fucking talking about They were the aliens In Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Weren't they They just left halfway through And thanks for the fish Did they

Aye Fucking hate that type of fantasy Do you know I started reading a book I think I spoke about it On the podcast Before But that was just like

In the vein of that And you're like Oh no you can only do this once. Aye. Space team. It's called space team. I remember you telling me about how much you fucking hated it. Aye. And I was like, I think it was like a Douglas Adams spore.

And it was like, it was like watching one of them comedians that thought it was Stuart Lee. Yeah. And you're like, oh, no, it's been done. No, you've done it. Yeah. It was too much of, I don't know where fucking Terry Pratchett got the gall

To just You've got like There's a Venn diagram And people who like Daniel Sloss And people who like Terry Pratchett And it's almost a circle

Yeah Which Which you Like you hate Every time you Slag off Terry Pratchett Like the majority of fans Just like

Move a little bit Farther away from you I'm absolutely fine with it You know what I'm just If you like Terry Pratchett's work and value my work anywhere near to his that makes me feel so bad about everything i've ever fucking created i think it would take me less than 45 minutes to write a better book than anything terry pratchett's

written all right yeah and what i would do is i would just get up go on the internet i would tell you a bunch of fucking adventures of daniel yeah i would type in a bunch of random fucking words right i'm like oh the world this world is uh made of marshmallows right and everyone in it is turtles right grand and what's this? They're allergic to marshmallows. Right, fucking here we go. That's the whole fucking book. Yeah. Yeah.

And then just quirky fucking nonsense that wouldn't be out of place in Doctor Who. I've realised as well from playing to your audiences over the years, I'm like, I've enjoyed playing to your audiences, but they're not necessarily my audience. I've realised this, you know, going to Blythe and doing Punch Drunk for the first time in a year. I'm like, oh, that's my audience i've realized this you know going to blithe and doing punch drunk for the first time in a year i'm like oh that's my audience well i feel like i feel like i'm doing

a multi-class on dnd right where right where like one of one of my characters is like a people like intellects with anxiety yeah and the others is like the other one would get conference savages the other one would get beaten up for using a word like multiclass. Yes. I'm straddling these two worlds that I've enjoyed both of, right? But I'm just saying, oh, right, like I've got, like I said, this fucking confident savages. Well, to be fair, though,

playing the audience does unlock more of the world. Because the people I would normally perform to in Poland who are my people wouldn't learn the English language

yeah yeah but I was very glad to be like dragged down to your audience as well like the years if I hadn't

had you as a fucking tourist and hadn't fucking done so much punk drunk stuff I don't think I ever would have

done as much cocaine as I have in my life like I never would have sashed in the way because like man the friend group i grew up with session was never cool right it wasn't something you fucking did drugs are bad okay yeah it wasn't drugs are bad but it was like man i would be open to like mushrooms i would fucking weed and stuff whereas your friends were like hey there's this new strain of plant food out right and look it's specifically for plants but if you crush it up with this with this pool substance right it fucks you up is it good it's legal it's technically legal if you use it to feed plants not touching can't get mad

not touching can't get mad one hand on bakes it's legal yeah the whole the whole class of just like hey there's a new chemical out we're going to snort it before they tell us we can't that would never be part of my life

they're going to have to ban it on a technicality yeah I like those. I'm grateful for my experience being. And also, you know what I've come to appreciate as well? I'm doing a club set tonight, and I don't know what my club set is, because that must be what you get all the time. Whenever you go to do, like, a club set at any club, because you've always been doing your long show.

Long form show man every time I've opened for you I've done something that's possible as a club set aye so like the club set

is never rusty now I'm just like oh shit which bits of this do I use which bits of other bits of shows do I put in

and it wasn't that that long ago really since my last club set so it'll not take a great deal of like CPU to figure out

what to do tonight but it is something I need to figure out what to do tonight. But it is something I need to figure out. I've got no idea how long I'm going to do fucking 10 minutes. I'll be fine because all my jokes will be short

because they'll just be fucking ideas. But like seven months off of anything is a long ass time. It is aye.

Like I don't care what your fucking joke. If there was a doctor that came in and been like, by the way, I've just actually travelled the world for seven months. You're my first patient back. I'm like, get us a nurse, would you? Fuck, go and get me someone that's just done three 18-hour shifts in a row.

Because by the way, stuff's changed In seven months Motherfucker This is your male privilege Kick me in the mouth Because that's Every last

That breaks up For maternity Everybody that Comes back to work After maternity Has to fucking Deal with what You're going to be

Dealing with Just to get on stage For a bit of time off The confidence Fucking effect That it must have That's a good point Fucking woke feminazi.

I haven't even got a title for women. Just spinning at a sexist. I haven't just got titles for fucking bitches. I figure I act like one. The minute you can't just walk up and say, fucking save this, save this, throw the women under the bus. No, you made a very good point you fucking bender

it was really insightful, if you were to act like a woman I wouldn't compare you to one shit this is me trying to multi-class again, I don't know who I'm appealing to your fans or mine I just wanted to be a thoughtful chauvinist is that too much to ask yeah i guess it's never thought about but because canada did

go back to work for a little bit but like and i don't say this to demean her job in any way but she was just she was a personal assistant so her uh her going back she didn't miss out on anything like she was obviously she needed to be updated on what people were doing but it was still like it was she needs to book meetings she needs to book hotels she needs to like fucking you know at that point the high hotel still the fucking high hotel she's still got the same contacts probably a bit rusty but things I feel like wouldn't have changed too much for her the same as like

when you first drive a car after like a two month tour yeah you know you get back and how does this work again yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah I don't know what I mean I'm excited I'm excited to go back because you'll be the difference is

you'll be starting from scratch you're not like you're not like dusting off the old yeah so it's excited to go back because you'll be the difference is you'll be starting from scratch you're not like you're not like dusting off the old yeah so it's good to go in with like fucking material that I don't fucking hate like it's

that's going to be a different thing not well I always hate my jokes at the end of a fucking tour anyway because you've done them so many times but then like not

normally I've got with new jokes I've got the confidence of I'm really good at this. I've just finished a fucking tour. Like, even if the jokes are fucking shit, I'm good. I'll make things fucking work.

Whereas now I'm like, not only do I not think my jokes are going to be good because my perspective is so shit and boring because I'm a stay-at-home dad of two and nothing I think matters do the jingle bell fuck thing but like I'm also going on just being like

am I good at this anymore maybe I fucking missed it I think you tend to if you just go out and if you've got an idea and a premise and something that has got a couple of punchlines attached to it your stagecraft's already going to be like miles ahead of anybody else that's performing at the open mics that you're going to be going to but i don't know man the game's changing like fucking i'm

interested to see what like normal real audiences are i haven't played to like a i've played to my audience for the past fucking two and a half years last time I played to a real audience there wasn't like just specifically my fucking audience was when I was working on material to do can't yeah which would have been 20 whether you're my son was born 222 January yeah that was last time you performed a few let even then Were you not performing With people who were coming Because you were on Yeah Yeah so like

You were Announcing that You were going to be doing Tryout stuff At Newcastle Stand Yeah so I think What I'm going to So it wasn't an open mic

What I'm specifically doing In January and February Is stuff Is I'm just I'm like You're just going to crash gigs Well it's My material has to be

club good yeah right it's got to be club good those are the real comics and they always fight if your material works in a club

then it works anywhere in the fucking world you've got to go get to London get on the top city list of me I'm going to be down in London in January

for a couple of days when don't know yet it's not decided but I will be down I'm down on the 8th Might be down on the 8th What are you doing?

I'm going to do another Beaty sport thing Sorry TNT sport Was that his fucking Choose the end Sorry Just dead named

Dead named The football thing I'm doing another football thing Okay Yeah I'll be down I've got some Work that I can Do

Great Yeah I'll be down I've got some Work that I can Do Great Yeah I mean London clubs don't Intimidate me But there is like a bit of You will be an unknown In a lot of them Like if I feel like

That top secret audience You would have had a handful of people That knew who you were Yeah I would say Fucking 10% When we went to see Elliot I reckon there'd be a handful of people That were like

Oh fuck shit Sweet But I think the majority of people Would need Winano were yeah i would say fucking 10 when we went to see elliot i reckon there'd be a handful of people like oh fuck shit sweet but i think the majority of people would need win a nova yeah which i'm fine with which is which is what i'm after um but then like i don't know i just don't want to walk on stage i think i'll fucking hate stand up if i walk on nervous for the first time In And not nervous like I was At the play You'd hate it if you were nervous I'd fucking hate it I'd absolutely fucking hate it

You want to be You want to be Like you want to just be chilled about it Yeah or buzzing Or excited I don't want to fucking I don't want to be a fucking Quivering fucking anxious mess

Were you like that before the playdium gig? No the nerves were different there the nerves were I haven't done this in a while I hope I remember it yeah and am I going to get away with it but like knowing full well that I was going out to a massive fucking safety net

people that wanted me to do well anyway did I tell you about I've done a number on this I haven't even told them about this yet but eh you know I'm on my European tour right the tickets are on sale for Punch Drunk

I'm hosting it I've got a line up of Connor Connor Burns, Dean Coughlin, and Deliso Chaponda, right? Fucking great line-up. And all I need to do is host it. And for the first time in a million Punch Drunks, I'm turning up and I've got an hour of material that they haven't seen.

So it's the fucking safest gig. I don't even need to think about it because I can just do any of my bits of my show and they've never seen it. And Gav put out the promotional piece of going, and Kai's hosting it, and don't worry, if you're going to see a show in Newcastle,

you won't be doing any of the material from that show and it'll be all new stuff. And I was like, man, you can't do that without asking. Like, now I'm on tour and I've got two weeks to write a whole new fucking set for hosting Punch Drone because I do like the day material when I'm hosting.

I like the, like, it's nice to interact with people but you still want to be handing them over to the comedian that's on next and they know what material looks like. Right.

You don't like to just fucking interact all the way through but anyways, I just, I was like, oh fuck, I started writing premises and ideas.

I wasn't in the headspace. You know, when you're on the current tour and you know you're going to be writing a new show eventually anyway but you start like fucking trying to push that through and you're right now these like headings of premises for jokes and all that and i was doing that i was like you know i'm gonna do i'm gonna invite matt

reed to come and co-host it with us and just have a fuck around just to get myself out of having to do any material at all and it was it was an absolute treat because when you're co-hosting with someone it's like fucking they're busy interacting with someone and you're co-hosting with someone, it's like fucking, they're busy interacting with someone and you're thinking about what to say next or figuring out if they've rang that dry and you can move on to something else so you're looking to run for the next bit. And we both had each other's back like that when the other person was talking,

you knew the minute you stopped talking, he's got something fucking adequate to say. So it was class. But like, that was one of them panic things where I was like, man, I've just been disarmed. I've just been, like imagine i went to

my brother right he's an electrician uh gav's gonna re rewire your house over the christmas but get this he's not going to use any of his tools any of the tools that he knows how to use he can use any other tools apart from the ones that are in his van and gav's got his end between now and the gig working how to use the other tools aye hi Ali I know I'm taking Gav away to help me organise Punch Drunk tonight but he's promised me when he comes home

he's going to shag the arse of you and he's been learning some new moves don't ask from where it's best if you don't know but the arse of you

is a clue aye aye aye aye aye aye aye

aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye

aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye

aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye The arse off you is a clue. Aye, aye. So you're figuring it out to date again? Yeah, I mean, I'm excited about it, but if I feel a single nerve before any of the fucking gigs, I'm tapping out forever and just being a writer. Aye. Aye. You want to be nervous? No.

But that... And I said, this is a fucking horrible thing to say but i find every comedian who gets nervous before a gig absolutely fucking pathetic if you've been going anywhere longer than two or three years if you've got a fucking club fucking 20 and if you've been going long enough have some fucking self goddamn belief put the fucking mask on back up and get it i get that i know exactly what you mean when somebody's like oh i hope they're gonna like it's like shut up shut the fuck up i hope i get booked back shut up right like but the nerves of like i hope i remember it that's fine because that's part of what you need in your body to be pumping through your veins

you're like oh can you just give me the chemical that slows down time in the moment please and you're like that chemical is going to make you nervous and you're like oh that's what i need so then it gives you this fucking adrenaline dump and all of a sudden you're in the fucking matrix when you're on stage a little bit because you've got it but if you take that chemical and use it to make your voice go quivery it's your loss but like i always look like when i was nervous before a gig that I considered important, right? I wouldn't be nervous like, I'd be nervous like fucking letters at him. I'd be nervous before a cup final in football where I mean fucking football studs would be tapping off the floor

in a way that they wouldn't normally. But fucking you try and stop me getting on that pitch. Like give me the chemicals I need and I'll use them. But if you get them chemicals and you're like, you shrink around the chemicals that need and I'll use them but if you get them chemicals and you're like oh you shrink around the chemicals that you get I think

I think you can't deny yourself the nerves you've just got to utilise them no disagree no

I feel like it'd be being a fucking some fucking red bull cunt in a wingsuit flying through hoops

placed over the Himalayas they get nervous. No, they fucking don't. That's why they do it. Why do you think they're thrill-seeking? They're trying to find that thrill. If I did that for three fucking years,

flying through all these hoops over the fucking Himalayas, right, and then one day I got on a lift, looked out the window, and went, I'd kill myself. No, but that's the reason they're thrill-seeking,

is to find that. Like, even before a gig where I'm totally comfortable, like, one of your two-hour shows, when it's been going a while, everything's locked in, and you've got enough form to know that it's going to go well unless they do something wrong. Yeah.

You put your fingers on your pulse, and you can feel your heart rate higher than normal. You've got it. You're still getting the thrill. You've just found a way to psychologically ride it. It's like when you walk on stage on, like, say, the playroom, and, like, you go, oh, sweet, I just get to look around now. I get to walk on stage and take it all in

because I've managed to tame that throbbing fucking pump of blood in my body to a point that I can, like, be present while I'm in it. It's not bad to have. Yeah, no, I get it. Yeah It's not bad To have Yeah As long as you're Utilising the nerves And riding I agree with that

It's like Fucking you know Ride the horse That you're given Sort of thing And use it Get it under control If you're on the back

Of the horse Go on But every show Should be a fresh horse That you're trying to break And it should come With like the fucking Oh this could go wrong

If I get it If I don't get it right Yeah Yeah maybe I was getting a bit nervous Before some of my shows It should come with like The fucking Nope this could go wrong If I get it If I don't get it right Yeah Yeah maybe I was getting a bit nervous Before some of my shows And then the worst case scenario Did happen once or twice

Where I did forget everything Yeah I did have to fucking Pad my way out of it I did have to break the fourth wall And tell them that I completely forgot What I'd written doing

And I'm going to hand back my notes And try and figure out If I can salvage this Looking forward to those gigs like after doing the club set because obviously you gotta have at least 20 or 30 minutes of club workable stuff stuff that would work in any club around the world that's got to be the crux of the show because that's pure stand-up but like also in clubs i can't go on stage and talk about like my personal journey right in front of like a brand

new audience that stuff with the the longer show I'm looking forward to the standing on stage with notes and from my own people when they're when the materials good enough and been like all right here's a massive insecurity and fear that I have about the world and about my own career and how can I mix this in with them. With the stuff that's just like every man funny. Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you something I said the other day that like I didn't realise what horrific saying it was

because I'd heard it so much growing up and then I just stopped thinking about it for like fucking 45 seconds. You ever, when you were growing up, say to stopped thinking about it for like fucking 45 seconds you ever when you're growing up say to a teacher say to your parents say to any fucking adult hey could you do this for me and they went what did your last life die of yeah because it got it to me just because my if my wife asked me to do anything my first response 100 at the time is to say no i always do it i always do it right my wife needs assistance with anything i will help her with that i will always say no can you go to go fuck yourself how fucking do you piece of shit you lazy fat fuck blah blah blah

and i'll do i'll say all these things while doing it and then the other day I went what did your last slave die of to which she said slavery which was very funny my last slave or the other way was your last slave

die of back chat like a back chat and then I was like oh my like adults grown adults I mean I know I'm one now But I was using it in a jokey way

Because that's not a phrase where you're like I wonder what the etymology of that is I know what the fucking etymology of that is And that is Awful What did you Aye aye No they didn't die

They were emancipated Aye Emancipated Freed Aye That was bad They watched The last day of die off

And I'm going to Hire my mother Under the bus here But it was a different time Back then If I didn't know When my mum was in the house And I'm shouting

And I'm like Ma Linda Linda Where are you It was not uncommon For her to say I've run away with a dog

I'm quoting verbatim here I'm not even saying that just happened that once that was a common catchphrase within households of the northeast of England and I don't know how much further did she say we're cleaning her voice

was it like a goo? I mean she's somewhere by the moon to be away from Kevin. Whoever this. Don't say it. Onyx? This obsidian Adonis. This ebony. This oaky man

Said it like I was like Oh if only my dreams Would come true Kind of response Aye I guess that's I mean it's awful

But it's not It's the intent Of it's not The intent of it wasn't bad The intent of it wasn't bad The ignorance in it Is bad But the intent of it's not

The word she chose to use Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah That's the fact that Ran away Because you could say

You could say I ran away with Any of the ones we just said Ran away with a black man Yeah An obsidian Adonis I suppose her words Was like

Non-gender specific So there was a little bit Of progress No otherwise She would have said I've ran away with a black dyke I'm sure Well you've never heard that before

Your mum never shut that back to you in the stairs She did not Where have you gone Nah she never Fucking hell Because I do There's definitely You know

There's definitely going to be stuff I say Oh I know what the stuff I'm gonna say when I'm older I'm just look I'm at the point right I'm not done growing I'm not done learning I strive to fucking improve right But

No you don't Well you know Retard and gay are never leaving my lexicon I'm sorry right I'll not do them publicly He said on a public podcast I think my lexicon I'm sorry right I'll not do them publicly he said on a public podcast I think I did earlier like

I'm just like it's I know it's gonna I know I've got too many gay friends that let me say gay I've got too many gay friends

that use gay as my favourite thing in the world just one of my gay friends calls me gay for something I've done like if I order they're usually right now yeah they are

man the amount of times i've been fucking freeze and i'll be like can i just get uh can i just get a red wine and be like faggot sorry they'll be like faggot i'm like it makes me look because that's the bit that you said sorry for i'm sorry they said i'm not miss i'm not misgendered in my best um yeah like that's because i like them using that word is like a reclamation right gay was always used as an insult for something that was fucking weaker or sort of lesser but when i was young and was so young that like i knew what gay people were but you don't really fucking think about it i never took on board as that right like when you were calling something gay gay did just mean bad right and it wasn't until i was like 14 or 15 that somebody was like but gay people aren't

bad and i'm like why don't they ever think gay people were bad and they're like well you're using it in a bad way and you're like oh fuck okay yeah yeah that word to you is has been used against you by people who use what the words in the same way that i do and that's what goes such a negative connotation to you which is fair and way more valid than any point i'm about to make but for me it did just mean shit right in the same way that retarded always just meant dumb like man having a literally retarded sister right i've never ever ever associate that word with like disability right it's always been you say something dumb you're a retard now i accept that for other people that's fucking different now which is why i wouldn't say on the fucking street i wouldn't say to a stranger i don't know

but i say all those things to the people in my life because they know where my intent lies and i know when i get older in in fact, not only do I know, I hope, Ayla and Cale will fucking call me out for it at points. Right? They'll be like, dad, you can't say that anymore. And I'll be like,

so I've been gay and retarded? Are you talking about? Which one said that? The other gay one or the retarded one? The Jew. The Jew. You have freedom. I guess if they were to,

oh, even then Like I don't know Like what If either one of them Turns out to be gay And they're like You know

But then Oh well I've got a friend Who's like Used the word gay So flippantly In front of his child In the past

And his child Turned out to be gay And he's so Accepted of them. He was never ever using it as a negative term, but I forgot to shoot a fit and he wore it. Does he still use it now? Has it changed for him?

Like now that his son is gay, has he stopped using it? Not entirely sure. Because I think that would be the thing that like, because for me... I don't think any different to what like you would never like it's no different to the way you would use it yeah like it's never in a hateful way because all the gays in my life are like yeah man fucking here's the pass say it that'd be said if any of my black friends gave me the n-word pass

I'd be like you can have that bad you can trust you why not saying man i haven't like i don't i look i needed i needed this 15 years ago in the original cod lobby right it's too late for me that would be like someone offering me a cigarette now i'm like i've been clean for a while don't get me wrong i'd love to tell me what it's like using it can you just say it around me and i'll enjoy it can you just pass a n-word in my company i can't man if i say it once i know myself i just won't stop it'll be oh yeah i'm back on 20 days Before we leave all of the racism and homophobia in this podcast was brought to you

by me just by me but this podcast itself is sponsored by Thistley Cross. Use the discount code before they revoke it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thistley's last December will get you a 10% discount anywhere in the UK on any of their ciders on thistleycross.co.uk.

As always, they do not pay us to do this. They sent us some booze that we were going to buy ourselves Daniel drinks it all, never leaves us any I do, it's my favourite cider That's why they're the sponsors of the podcast Christmas is coming up It's a great booze to have in the house for that It's a good gift

It's a good stocking filler for adults, obviously And you should utilise it at thisly sloss december at thislycrossider.co.uk for a 10 discount on legitimately the best cider in the goddamn world and uh as this is a public episode if you're not already consider subscribing to our patreon where we will try and up the standard In the new year But we have been Consistent though Like this year I don't think we've done

Anything more than like Provide the extra episodes For the already Subscribing people Like we've Because we've been busy As fuck Well I have

And you've been Lazy Also I have a Fucking Hubris Is coming out So buy that 21st of December

I don't fucking know So it may already be out now There you go It's already out Go to danielsloss.com Watch that Yep Bye Bye