Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Angela Sands (Ft. Ryan Cullen)

Episode Date: July 17, 2024

In a new podcast feature "Phone Notes" Kai is joined by amateur comedian and professional bald man, Ryan Cullen, to dig through their phone notes and find unbaked ideas for jokes they've written down but still haven't given the light of day. Watch the earliest stages of joke creation before some go on to see the world as part of their set and some die in the gutter right here in this episode. #35   Stock up on Thistle Cross cider with your discount code and watch this episode with a premium bevvy www.thistlycrosscider.co.uk Discount Code: THISTLYSLOSSJULY

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? So you don't have cancer?

No. Sorry. Do you know how many people have been upset about that? Ryan Cullen, ladies and gentlemen, doesn't have cancer. Doesn't have it. So I've got fucking people messaging me all week going like, every single person is like, you know, you kind of deserved it. You know what?

This is your coming out. Do you think so? You know how the world is heteronormative and you have to come out like it is just default i am straight it's and i'll bet your health health normative i don't know what that's what normative meant yeah health you know no health normative is everybody else you're not you're not like everybody just assumes that there's something up yeah so so you have to come out as not having cancer like even if there was no scare i fucking i fucking i tell you i'm gonna do a bit about it in the fringe i walked i walked in to get the biopsy in the cancer ward and everyone was looking at me like another dose hey uh yeah never been thinking it was like a fifth round of chemo Yeah Oh man He's been ravaged by it

For many years That guy See your date of birth as well I'm like it's assessed maybe See you're only what 31 Yeah See you're 31

Go on It's ravaging him No no Benign Oh god It's benign actually I fucking I'd hate to see what it would do

If I was If I was terminal Your facial hair falls out Not that I have a lot Does it? Is that not falling out, eh? No Is that not patchy?

It is patchy Yeah, I get little patches Yeah That's why I never try to grow it But I have to keep growing it now Because I'm so bald and cancer looking Because if I didn't Then I look even more cancer like

Yeah, that is true So you found a tumour Just there It's still there can you touch it touch it can you touch your cancer go for it oh wow it's like a tooth a tooth it's like rock solid yeah it is rock solid well i yeah so that the thing was i thought it was a cyst for ages and i was going to burst it myself because they were taking too long oh man you still wouldn't first you were on cyst would you uh i was desperate it was like two months and they were they were like i was like when are you

going to burst this for me because you you know like i do this because i had a sister moved from like the same spot up yeah oh there's different like i would never have thought of just getting me fucking thumbnails together and giving it a good old squeeze i think i think depends on the cyst as well there's other ones i don't want to you just somebody's just going to be out there like fucking popping this thing. But if I pop the tumour, I wonder what would happen. So they come in,

took a little bit off it, took it away. Well, they were like. And then just like. Oh, no. Then they rang me. And then they were like, well, you'll have the thing by Friday.

And then Friday came, the hunt came. So I rang yesterday and they were like, the person on the phone just made me sound like I had it. I said, oh, we can't tell you. Because if they could tell, you were like, oh, well, if I'm fine,

then a receptionist would go, oh, it's good news, sir. Yeah, yeah. Like, look, we'll put you in touch with the doctor when he's ready, but you can stop worrying now. Yeah. She was all cloaked. That guy's like, I'm sorry, sir. Yeah, sorry, sir.

Couldn't make eye contact with you. Over the phone. She's over the phone and she's just like looking anywhere but at the receiver holding the phone at the back of her head I'm so sorry mister she just kept going like ah listen

I've got them right here in front of me but I can't say anything until I chat to your consultant we need a consultant to go through this that is so brutal to not even give you a tone

and then the consultant came and I was like I have to chat to the consultant and then the consultant goes yeah you're fine I go oh you needed that did you there was like nothing much else bar you didn't need a medical professional to tell me what he told me then he's like oh yeah you're fine there mr

hamilton you're like hamilton oh oh cullen it's the only red page you're going to need to sit back down if you can if you can if you can yeah we're going to need you to sit down so if you're going to hear this how was your last time standing up

oh Jesus Christ so you got some really good news well they did tell me then oh yeah it was part of you like

get in I'm going to get out of doing the fringe absolutely I don't have to deal with going to get out of doing the fringe. Absolutely. I don't have to deal with the stress of July of getting my fringe over. I swear to God, if that came on, I would have been like, right. I would have been way less stressed right now. Then in September, I might come back and go, all right, now it's bad.

Oh, that would be brutal. Just like getting the diagnosis just after the fringe. You're like, fucking come down in July. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you doing do you know fresh batch of material now what am I going to do with this

the guy goes to me by the way oh I was like well you take because of your age and where it is we're going to have to take it out obviously

but so we'll get that done within the year within the year and I was like get that done now I'm not wandering around for a fucking year

with another head growing out of me. That would be the waiting list. Yeah. Yeah. If you had it. Yeah, yeah. In a year's time.

They might go like... When it's already run its course. Yeah. Oh, stage four now. In a year's time, we're going to have to remove the Ryan from the cancer. Yeah. We removed the wrong one.

I'm so sorry. My mum comes in, there's just a big tumour in the bed You're just in like a zip bag For forensic I don't know why forensics Want your cancer in the first place Forensics

Who did this? I see It's got like a zip seal bag Of your cancer Forensics for the cancer war God again God again It's his calling card

you know what's really funny about doing the podcast with you here you're doing all the same things that I do with Nelson because I'm the one in charge of the camera

I'm sat in the wrong seat right now I am in the wrong seat you're fucking spinning me can we swap seats I'm in the wrong seat can we swap it's fucking freaking us out

that oh god I'm sorry I had to put you through that. To anybody who's watched Absolute Cuts, to anyone that's watched Let's Know, that was so off. I'm so sorry that you just had to watch us with our shoes on the wrong feet.

And plus, you were doing the thing looking like, is that fucking red? Is that recording? Is that what I did? I did too. I couldn't see. Mark always looks at me and I'm always like... Sly look.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway. There you go. How about the one with the tube I know? Oh, this is like Freaky Friday when they run into each other

and swap bodies. If I push it in, it pops out the top of your head. No, like whack-a-mole. Yeah. I just,

I just push it in and it pops out of Danny's. He pops it in and goes, Caelan, no! Then just doesn't pop it in for him.

He kind of just popped it back in. You know the rules. He just kind of got on, looked his way. Can't catch him. Oh, God. So we've brought back the podcast. We had a sabbatical. Oh, yeah.

We thought we'd come back with the cancer news. Me and Daniel done an episode where we watched our first not our first set but our earliest recordings yes okay there is earlier

recordings out there in existence but they're the earliest we could dig out at this point without ringing relatives I fucking had my

first recording you know what I did I asked the person somebody recorded my first gig and they had it up on YouTube and I was like

take that but never they deleted it and I was like do you have the file and they went nah i have no idea i can't remember it a fucking idiot so you don't have it no i don't have a long flowing line i had it it was on fucking just the head the cooks is about to play yeah yeah i was only like a millimeter in size yeah no more than a blemish that may be a hatred just manifested

so do you know we're about to play we're going to play football after this right and I said that like you don't know

by the way and last week I had this and I didn't know and it was it was sore and shit

so I was like I can't take a ball to the face but like I was fucked about my lungs so I was in nets loads and that's why

I kept Talking about being like Boof on Last week Was the best Goalkeeper performance But really Because you were just

Protecting your neck Yeah Somebody was volleying And I was like Boof They were like God jeez You're putting everything

On the line there And I go Fucking am You didn't want to Burst a tumour Yeah I had to know A full

Yeah You'd feel like a right dickhead too Being in the hospital Going like What the fuck happened here And I got football Got a I got one to the

Got one to the tumour So can you like You know if you took a football Would it just hurt Or would like the dormant cancer cells Fire up Like just All of them just wake up

And have a stretch Like Iron Man Huh Like Iron Man Just waking up And having a stretch You know Iron Man You know that superhero That lazy one know, that superhero, that lazy one.

That's just like, oh, bad guys, isn't it? Guys up all night in every scene doing maths and shit. Fuck's sake. So what I wanted to do with this episode, instead of us just chatting shit, which I do enjoy chatting, but I feel like we could do an hour of this yeah and it would arguably be more entertaining than what we have planned i tell you just before you about

eugene giving the thumbs up oh you got a thumbs up but dad dad's had a nightmare my dad eugene give a thumbs up that was his first born kid in the group whatsapp just family just a thumbs up right and then today he wished my sister her happy birthday not her birthday no better he's having a bad time how long did he miss uh it's it is this week but it's coming up it's impending yeah he's got july right which was which was it's a tuesday i might have missed it by a day but i definitely haven't missed it by yeah yeah yeah he wrote i remember once he was in the bank and he wrote Emma's age is 16 when she was 24

standing beside him on the thing and she was like I'm 24 I don't live at home I'm finished university and he went oh well what age are you then

and you're like fuck guy's gone no does he is it because he's losing his mind or is it because he doesn't care

doesn't care doesn't give a fuck mind sharp as anything yeah he just always Finishes every crossword He's so good at that He's class at darts

Like he's just working On all the maths He's a weirdo Because he's class at quizzes Like he left school Because he retains information Like celebrities dates of birth Okay

Okay I do have a bit A couple of things Alright William Defoe 22nd July Did he actually 1968 You know William Defoe 22nd July did he actually 1968

you know William Defoe's birthday let's check you just threw that in there William Defoe birthday

if this is right what did he say again 22nd July 60s recorded so he can't 22nd July

55 so he got the date right but not the year wrong William Defoe is just like how do you not know how old I am imagine he is the type 22nd of July 55 so you've got the date right but not the year wrong 13 years it's like how do you not know

how old I am imagine he is the type of guy that would pop up now behind my shoulder the camera just zooms out and he's sat in the other chair like fucking

the scene from Arrested Development great show yeah so this show sorry so this show now what we're going to do we've both got fringe

shows coming up we've both done a couple of previews we've both got a gist of like the things that we're going to be talking about and the way you get that is yeah you spoil your own day by writing down the things that are funny that come up right yeah you're like you're having a conversation with some friends and we're all laughing and instead of just like letting it just be in the moment yeah you fucking run off to the toilet and write that shit down before it's lost and you don't forget it right and then like anything that comes up you'll put in your notes in your phone and then when you come to writing your show you decant your notes this is what person i do on my laptop same yeah and then i'll get this stuff i want to expand and put in the show and then i'm left with all these like disjointed bits yeah from the notes where like i can't even

remember what the bit is what i was trying to write down all right mine's is labeled as leftover notes leftover notes that's what it is so what we're gonna do is we're just gonna go through our leftover phone notes the stuff that like currently isn't in the show but if there's even a fucking spark of ember in there yeah yeah most of them are like a half baked point i think that's a good idea but and what inspired us to do this we used we used to do it in the work in progress shows at summer hall yeah and where we'd get up and like be me you mark nelson sloss gareth would yeah would really diverse lineup would get up and do a four notes

right and because I didn't meet me hour of the preview because it's so far from the fringe yeah I got like

40 odd minutes right I was like I've got 10 minutes left I've got these notes that I've printed out and I haven't

fucking done anything with them I'll go through a couple of them a couple of them are right and I went in so yeah

yeah I did them before and it actually has you know met it actually has You know Met it eventually then You know It was shite that I'd never thought of As I was saying

The big joke The big joke I have so far One of the best jokes For this one I have sat on it For four years In the leftover And you just thought

It wasn't worth it No I I sent it to you guys Remember And then fucking You and moi Just flipped the ending And I've been four years

That's why Them writing sessions That we do Are so good Because like All it needs Is just a fresh perspective On something I've been four years that's why them writing sessions that we do are so good because like all it needs is just a fresh perspective on

something you've been looking at that's presumed dead yeah and then somebody just comes and moves

an obvious wire and all of a sudden it fucking bursts back to life and you're like right there it was yeah fuming and delighted

so we are gonna put it all on the table we're gonna try and fix some shit that's probably dead yeah yeah yeah oh god and i just had the preview too so oh i'm great right this is this is something i'll i'll start with a couple yeah i'll do it we'll do a couple back and forth right yeah the first

one the reason i've seen a couple is because the first one i feel like i've spoke about this on the podcast before and i've probably written it down because i've been yeah yeah on here um and it's the fact that i i hate i i hate eye tests because i've constantly got the wrong prescription because i'm a good guesser yeah yeah yeah there is yeah and the premise is like you're looking at these like what does that lane say underneath you can see the f yeah and then you're looking at these, like, what does that lane say underneath? You can see the F, right? And then you're like, could be a U, could be a W. I'm going to take a punt. Could be a P, could be a B.

There's already too many Fs. And you're taking a punt instead of just going, oh, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just like, you're just writing off what you think it is. Yeah. And if you get that right, that's the glasses you're getting. Yeah, because you're not supposed to go V. Yep, it's a V. And you're like, yes's the glasses you're getting. Yeah, because you're not supposed to go V. Yep, it's a V and you're like, yes.

That means you're blind. I actually did something in me, because my eyes aren't great. I don't know if you're aware of this, right? More. Put on me driving test. Back in the day, you used to have to Read out the fucking Registration plates They still make you do it They still make you

Like point at a car over there And say can you read That car registration plate out Man I went around Like half an hour before And done some memorising I pure memorised

Like a handful of Registration plates Just on the off chance That my eyes were like A little bit Out of range That's why I have Used glasses now

I remember I started Wearing them two years ago Because of the first test I range That's why I have Used glasses now I remember I started wearing them Two years ago Because of the first test I went What's that And I went J He was like

That's an A And that's a C And I went Alright Oops And I was like Oh And then I fucking

Is there something That has not in registration plates I can't say I've ever seen an I In a reg That's hard to I don't know I don't think there's an I There must be

There's definitely L's So it's not like They've took it out Because it clashes with the L Yeah Because they're all capitals You never get lower case registration numbers Do you?

Umlaut I don't think they're clashing Umlaut Trying to fucking phone the police Reading it out The double S You know the Germany as well

The The like line down You're sitting there Dollar sign It's like It looks like a dollar sign Fucking phone the police Reading it out The double S You know the Germany as well The The like line down You're sitting there Dollar sign It's like It looks like a dollar sign Do you know what I'm talking about Maybe yeah

Heiss I do I do I do the Mail outs for the The dad If anybody signs up On dad tier

They get They get a signed poster And I have to do The addresses Okay Because Daniel doesn't do that shit they could probably guess that

Daniel's not sitting writing the envelopes out for the dad posters he would never and Daniel Grace shout out to Daniel Grace jolly lad who lives in

Czech Republic Czech Republic Czech yeah do you say Czech Republic anymore no obviously not because all the commentators have made a big deal

about it in the Euros yeah I've missed that what happened yeah I didn't get the memo they split again how small is our country in the Republic yeah I've been I missed that what happened yeah I didn't get the memo they split again how small is our country in the Republic anymore splitting and splitting

it was just Daniel's house basically like a Russian doll so Daniel's great so I was like trying to put on all the different like because fucking

the check putting our little dashes on top and I'm reading again does it matter though like is the post

are you going to be baffled I don't know is there a different address that's just got the dash on the e the other way yeah can we just do away with all that muck all that foreign muck not that foreign shit just be asked only times new roman english please that so do you like it yeah i reckon that There is I reckon there might be Something there I'm trying to think of it Though because like

Yeah It's just lying It's like pride It's like I'm not fucking I'll show you I'm not blind And then completely Ruining your life It's the competitive element

Why am I trying to compete With a chart Why am I trying to win The chart Did I fail What was my score Did I beat my mates And I did a protection book

And you just kind of Have a look at Colin got the same score as me on the on the thing just come out with fucking did he go on one of the kid ones yeah I got on that

thing where it just fucking blows a bit of air you're looking at a hot air balloon oh yeah yeah yeah like fuck are you playing that yeah square goalie yeah

fuck are you just blowing me out you little cunt I also feel like if they're trying to make you test something it shouldn't be it's always a

hot air balloon they're looking in the distance but like you would never miss one of them in real life blind or not there you'd be like

what's that over there is that a smudge on the sky smudge on the fucking sky yeah I think like when I got it she was like your left eye is

shite it was essentially she she was like there's a dot in there that's could be cancerous i'm thinking about it now that's another one fucking riddled they were like there's like a spot because like if it doesn't seem like it's doing anything but we'll let you know if it does and i go but i don't get my eyes tested much do you know like i felt like in my head i was like do you mean do you mean i have to come back every three months to check? It was like, oh, is your glasses not working? Not, this is for cancer. This is having a good look.

Man, I took down the tone of it. I was trying to have fun with me bit, I'm guessing. Anyway, so my... No, I'm joking. Imagine you're doing it. Because you know when the guy, is it better or is it worse? And, like, sometimes I just don't know like I don't want

to be making decisions I'd rather you looked at me eye and then based on me eye got me prescription like if you're saying better or worse to me

I'm like what I've got written down here and I don't even ask this is a good analogy but sometimes I'll be doing that guy and oh this lamb's lovely

and my wife will be like it's beef and I'm like I can't even tell the difference between lamb and beef how the fuck am I meant to choose

my own glasses they all come from sheep that's all i know yeah if you have to see great way if you yeah that's right if you how would you know right what clear is is that better if your actual natural thing is not clear i don't know i've got this thing with me glasses right you have a Michael I just like the emoji when I take me glasses up and down when I'm watching

because I wish I could do that with my current lenses but it would just be too much because you can when you know when you're watching telly you go up and down and right

you can actually do like oh my god I'm playing as a bat like right eye oh my god I can see the telly now and then

on my left eye i lift them up and i'm like crystal clear right slightly blurrier okay but bigger okay close up with blurrier crystal clear further away and i'm like i don't know what's better or worse they're both they're both better at one thing and then worse At another thing Yeah yeah Like It's like one of your legs Is good at running And the other one Is good at kicking

The better or worse It depends what I'm doing Am I fighting or getting Fighting or flight Fighting or flight Which one am I doing I'll tell you If it's better or worse

I hated that thing though By the way They used to tell you When you're running Like if you're doing like You know track running They were like Make sure every Like fourth or fifth lap you change and go the other

way because your muscles will get stronger on one side and i was just like in my head i was like fuck off it's so incremental that it wouldn't yeah you need to be running specifically one way and also let's train and be better on the way that i'm going to be running on the race i don't want to be the only one that's like class in a straight line but fucking lopsided on the... You're doing a 5k and in the middle of the race you're just sprinting, turning the other way, turning and everybody else racing.

Turn! Your muscles! The Olympics is on, isn't it? It's like 20 days or something. Nobody gives a fuck because of the Euros. I remember one fringe I took off 2012 because I thought the Olympics was going to clash with it. I was like, oh, it's going to be like this year,

the fringe is going to be 2012. I guess it was at London, though. Okay, right. I guess the fucking middle classes were money who would come to the arts festival, got an alternative. So I made it I had a point I don't think it's

going to clash with Paris there's never been a thought in my mind nah nah that's going to happen so anyway that was my bit on eyes

I don't know I thought there was more in that than I think there's something in it aye because I mean it is a good point

I feel like it's also not been touched on I don't know I can't think of the funny part of it it's musing at the moment. The funny bit might be the exasperation. Yeah, yeah.

It might be that it's not punchline heavy. It's just the leg. Yeah. It's just the guy. Like, fucking, what are you asking me for? Don't put me in a position of authority. Yeah, yeah. You're the fucking medical.

I don't know what I was about to say. The medical jabroni. The medical jabroni. You've been listening to too much Kendrick Lamar. You fucking call everyone jabroni. The medical jabroni, you've been listening to too much Kendrick Lamar. You fucking can't have jabronis. It's jabroni. It's a good word. Bozo.

Well, I had one about, I was trying to figure out that my, right, basically the note I have written down was that my uncle was a hunger striker, but he died after one day because he was diabetic. As in he couldn't get his Mars bars I can't think of He needed the sugar He had a Yeah he needed

He needed a sugar spike I don't know It's not funny Unless you knew that He wanted Dian to be a hunger striker But knew he wouldn't Last a day See this is

I never figured it out My dad did a My dad did a hunger strike Was he a dad? It doesn't really matter Uncle, dad I think I think that's an important part of the joke Is like who the person is to you We'll go with dad Go with your dad? It doesn't really matter Uncle, dad I think I think that's an important

Part of the joke Is like who the person is to you We'll go with dad Go with your dad We'll go with dad The hedge blocks Did you have a thing Where like a lot of stuff

Was your grandad Was in different ways That died And it was like You started scratching your head How many grandads Somebody put their hand up And he was counting

He said there was seven Seven grandads Yeah So let's say he had a hunger strike so just a he died after one day he died

so what were you like I had another part of it there as well in brackets I don't know if it's going to help anything but it was a hunger striker my dad was a hunger striker he really hated that movie I went to be striking outside the movie Hunger

Hunger Games no no there's a massive big Bobby Sands film called Hunger we fucking tell us what Bobby Sands is again you've told us this before

it's a hunger striker it's Bobby Sands not the thing that you shout over the town if there's like an emergency and you don't want to alert the public alright Bobby Sands

is in the building don't not if you start shouting Bobby Sands is in the building don't not if you start shouting Bobby Sands is in the building people will start panicking it was Mr. Sands or something

wasn't it Mr. Sands contact reception it was something really so he's like Bobby Sands is Angela's brother

that's Sands that's Angela Sands at the bar you know why fuck Angela if you know why fuck Angela if you know her brother fucking bad imagine you're waiting

at the bar and her name's Angela yeah you're like will everybody stop getting us it's like the 20th time today

what everybody's just continuously molested because she can't deal with it yeah whatever the manager just keeps thinking the manager's getting suspicious thinking angela has given me free drinks because every time they're getting saved

they're like can i get saved off angela and just like honestly i'm not i'm not giving them free drinks i don't know what they want i've got no idea what they want all fuck off all women it's weird all women and richard gard oh fucking hell yeah i don't think there's much to that bar that uh yeah okay so the the i don't

personally i think if you do that on stage where it's written it doesn't pack a punch no it's where it's never been tried so it's like i don't i like i'm a kind of quoting you here it's written it doesn't pack a punch no that's why it's never been tried so it's like i don't like i'm kind of quoting you here it's gonna cost you this um i think like if you add a layer

to it like what what are they striking for and like well they could it could be something that like is uh it's like a war of attrition kind of strike like you would say because yeah I probably went that way that's why I try to think of the movie Hunger but I was like nobody it's a big film

and nobody knows the movie Hunger like it's too specific if it was a fucking yeah Hunger Games is funnier so we'll leave

the Hunger Games Hunger Games strike yeah anyway what do we have else so we'll leave that one on the shelf for now we have shelves this will be shelf half these will be shelf for you oh yes well like get in touch with any of us if you've got tags yeah yeah these are these are dead what else you have okay so this is

this is a good one to speak to one of the cuts guys okay because uh it was you know when i was watching the five all the predator movies. Like in chronological order. Yeah. So I watched From Prey first. Great. Which, Prey best, Predator second best, downhill drastically after that. I love Predators. You know what?

I liked it. I didn't mind any of them because they are what they are. I liked Predators with Adrian Brody. I thought Adrian this is what I've got yeah so far I've watched five of the Predator movies

and so far they've lost every single time humans are 5-0 that's true I don't think there was a single Predator on that

right as room I mean it was Hollywood so there probably was I think everyone sees it I'm sorry I'm in that's it I think that's it I'm sorry I'm in that's it

I think that's fucking funny straight off no notes your honour where do you put it I don't know it's just so funny where do you put it

like is it just between bits I'm doing a show about travel and about responsibility Guatemala unless you've been

to the Guatemalans so I mean it could be that like, it could be that I just fucking throw in a little bit of the majority of travels,

boring, and you end up just sitting in airports and fucking watching movies. There's so much soul there. So you could grab your crowbar and fucking fit it

into travel that you're fucking binge watching all the Predator films. So there could be a place for it somewhere, but it would be like a little aside to the main narrative.

Yeah, yeah. And this is just an additional note that I've kept up as I was going with these five Predator movies, right? The first defeat in the 1800s was by the Native Americans. Man, on their home soil, they know the land. You don't know what you're coming to expect, right? Fucking Native Americans. Like, you've got all the technology. that home soil they know the land right you don't know what you're coming to expect right fucking Native Americans like

yeah you've got all the technology they're using fucking wood and bits of yarn and all that like you probably shouldn't have lost that one but

home away game away game you're just practice as well should win with a punchless chance right the next one

was a marine the best of the best Arnold Schwarzenegger yeah big lads all of them big lads all of them big lads a team of marines actually like fucking one of them that got you but fuck me that'll

have a little pop at you yeah yeah right in the jungle yeah yeah it gets the best of the best yeah the jungle right yeah they learned and then a beat cop in new york city daddy Glover As a beat cop Yeah He should have only been Danny Glover Like come on Two down This is the trilogy

The trilogy I've got to make this one count Fucking beat cop You've got to get the better Of Danny Glover Fucking hell Danny Glover's career Got the better of Danny Glover

He was already Too old for this shit At that point As he kept saying In his movies Around about that time Yeah Yeah And then I can't remember Which one this one was too old for this shit at that point as he kept saying in his other movies around about that time yeah yeah

and then I can't remember which one this one was Predators is the one on an alien planet Scientist got him the next time it was a scientist

okay right is that the one where it's on the alien planet no the one on the alien planet was a a spin off kind of one

with Adrian Brody and they they grabbed like a Yakuza and a guy from a Chechnyan war camp And they dropped him Onto the plane

Like a survival And Topher Grace Was like a serial killer Doctor They thought he was A normal doctor And then Predators Which is the biggest

Letdown of all I was waiting for Because that's Shane Gillan Writing it He wrote the first one Is that the one With Cain Peel

One of Yes Yes Hated that And Lily Allen's brother Hated it I'm disrespecting he wrote the first one is that the one with Cain Peel one of yes yes hated that and Lily Allen's brother hated it I'm disrespecting all these artists

yeah in fairness that was Alfie Allen aye and Boyd Holbrook or whatever aye that was

so that one Boyd Holbrook right so I've got scientists down for the fourth one hmm which would have been might have been one of the Alien vs. Predators movies because I did count them in.

She wasn't a scientist. He was in a lab and everything in that fifth one. I think it was the one that you just mentioned there. It was a nine-year-old boy with autism brought him down. That's the boy. Native American Marine beat cop scientist nine year old

with autism yeah that's right the predator the predator the predator was autism at least like

on the last one they made they just went alright pray alright pray now how can you have a nuclear bomb strapped to your arm

and also just lose to a guy doing Lego I can't get him he's got his he's got his yeah he's got his beat he finds his fucking

helmet and shit do you know what you're saying there that's funny about the predator by the way in the room but aliens they beat aliens as well

you know when alien comes to the alien versus predator films I'm trying to think of a joke you're like predators in the room and you'll be like there's aliens too

they were doing the cleaning. There's aliens in the writer's room as well, I mean the bins. They'll all be sent back home now after Trump's teaming up. That's so stupid. Fucking alien predators. But I think like,

probably for a podcast, you can break down the defeating of the alien by the different people right yeah because it's niche as fuck that's great big fan but just saying

the humans are 5-0 I don't think there's any printers in the writing room that's a joke isn't it yeah yeah that's great 5-0

that's right they've lost every single one and they also set every game set the rules. New rules this time. You're on our planet. Adrian Brody managed to get off the alien planet. He couldn't get off Earth.

Yeah, that's right. He wasn't even flinching. He didn't even bring a ship. He looked up at one stage in the movie and he looks out and there's like three moons and he just goes, well, looks like we're is that the one way

you'll have to deal with this is that the one way you get under the ship's um shield yes it's like somebody goes up and it comes yeah yes yes the shield and

cuts the predator in half i think so i one of them one of them one of the many deaths this one's more of a, I think, you know Sylvia Plath?

Mm-mm. No? She's a famous poet that she killed herself before Norton. Okay. Very famous. So everybody else

will know who she is. Yes, I feel like. Especially at the Fringe. Yeah, definitely. So like, you learn about her in school and everything. Yeah.

And Paul was saying like Margaret Atwood I don't know who that is I just assumed that was a poet Is it not? Is it not? It'd be great if that was like It's great if you're just dropping out names That are completely

Like Lucy Pinder Is Margaret Atwood not the author who wrote the What's that? Oh I hate doing this. I hate making me podcast listeners scream at the podcast. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I'm too stupid.

That series where the women are kind of held hostage. Suffragettes. And used for breeding. Handmaid's Tale. Handmaid's Tale. Is that who wrote Handmaid's Tale? Probably. That sounds good.

Just keep screaming At the podcast There's nothing you can do There's nothing you can do About it That's great I just said She's famous for

Killing herself with the oven She killed herself With the oven right And I was saying The sad part about it Is that she would have Had to preheat it That would be

Real miserable Preheating the oven To kill herself In the oven I just feel like That would be Did she kill herself In the oven Aye Because yourself in the oven. I just feel like that would be... Did she kill herself in the oven? Aye.

Because in a gas oven? I presume it's gas, yeah. Yeah. Rather than burning her. But not burning her. So the joke is she preheated the oven first and then scorched her head

rather than breathing in the fuse. I mean, I'm not... I don't think it's ever going to go well. I don't think this one will ever... What year did she... Fuck, I have no idea when she was... Oh, that's right, when was it? And she did it in the gas oven.

1963. 1963. In Primrose Hill in London. I don't know how she fit that fucking head in the oven. Oh, that's a nice do, that. That's a nice do. That's a really... You wouldn't want to mess that up.

Yeah. I hope she cleaned the oven first before putting her hair. You don't want to fucking grease in that hair. Would you you clean the oven first before putting her hair. You don't want to fucking grease in that hair. Would you not, yeah, would you not, if they pulled her out,

they were like, fuck, at least the oven's clean now. Everything's stuck to, they were so bad, chicken wedges, like some loose wedges stuck in her hair.

There's little ends of chips, you know. I've been doing, you see, I think it is because I was trying to write bits about, I've been doing like a lot of, like, right, I had a joke in this thing that's a new, basically, I might be in the show. It went well in the work, I've been doing You see I think it is Because I was trying to write bits about I've been doing like a lot of Like Right

I had a joke in this thing That's in the Basically It might be in the show It went well In the work in progress About basically like I'm going to Amsterdam

You know Because it's famous You know Amsterdam You're going to Amsterdam Because it's famous Famous for its whores You know

Like Anne Frank Don't call them that On the podcast Yeah Yeah I call them whores Like Anne Frank right And I was like Don't call them that on the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I call them whores like Anne Frank, right? And I was like, there's nothing to that joke.

Just want to call it that. Like Anne Frank. Do the joke again from the top. Yeah, the joke was basically, yeah, I'm going to Amsterdam, you know, you're famous for its whores, you know, like Anne Frank. It just gets a big laugh. And then I'm like, there's absolutely nothing to that. That's like the least smart joke. I just want to shit on historical people.

So Sylvia Plath, the other one. So you wanted to put that in a section. So you've already got the Anne Frank joke working. That works. I had one about Mark Twain. Because Mark Twain used to, he has a thing saying like, you know, you'll always regret, you know, the chances you don't take in life. And he said that. Oh, is that him? Yeah. From and he's from the office anonymous yeah i think so yeah and he said

that like just after he wrote huckleberry finn where he wrote the n-word 200 times and he's white i think it's connected yeah i'll be broken yeah yeah there's like 208 n-words in huckleberry finn and he's white And I reckon that Quote is related to it Great I'm never doing it on stage You're not going to do it Nah it's too weak

In my head It's funny Yeah To make them think of the N word Yeah Yeah I already have An N word joke as well

And it's So you're not going to do The Sylvia Platt Is it Platt I don't think so Platt Sylvia Platt I don't know There's not to it just

preheating the oven people will know her and they'll and if you know her as well you definitely know about the oven thing it's like it's like knowing who paul walker is but not not hearing about the car he died in what well this is he was a pedo That was a good one Shut up Paul Walker's like Speaking ill of the dead like that Yeah Did he actually

Yeah yeah His girlfriend was like 16 When he died Honestly Everybody just kind of goes Oh man Yeah yeah Paul Walker's

Fast and the Furious as well You're like For some reason that checks Mark Sinclair's a bad man as well isn't he Mark Sinclair That's Vin man as well, isn't he? Mark Sinclair, that's Vin Diesel's real name. Is it? Just like calling him by his real name.

That's horrible. I like dead naming Vin Diesel. That's horrible. I don't even know why that's horrible, but it is. You know what's horrible about it? That's a fucking hench baldy man called Mark Sinclair that went, I'm going to go by Vin Diesel. Everyone from this day must call me Vin Diesel. That's what's icky about it.

Nobody give him that name. Anybody who picks their own fucking nickname. That's right. Nobody stopped him. And then my mother seen him and went. I spent a fringe trying to get everyone to call us Thunder Tongue. And I had it on all my passes and just be like, I'm Thunder Tongue now.

Never stuck. Never. Never call us Thunder Tongue, and I had it on all my passes, and just be like, I'm Thunder Tongue now. Never stuck. Never stuck. Thunder Tongue. Natalie called us it ironically. That's a very... I've had many. I was Sponge. Sponge Cullen.

Wiener. Wiener, until we found out you had a big dick. Because we just assumed you had a little wiener, so we called you Wiener, and then we saw it and we're like, oh, that's that name gone. I'm glad I got to kill that one. There were a couple more, wasn't there?

Snunky. Snunky. Snake monkey. Snake monkey, yeah. Because you're like a cheeky little monkey that's fucking devious and deceitful. Snunky. Uncle Snunks.

And we added uncle to it then, just to add an extra layer of... Yeah, I was behind all of these. All of them stuck. I'm pretty sure, yeah. Yeah, I still Heavily nicknamed you Oh fuck it

What are you talking about The fucking one I get everywhere The fucking Ba ba ba ba baldy Ba ba ba baldy Every time Ba ba ba ba nine Somebody

Ba ba ba I look like I have two bald heads now I'm growing another bald I'm so bald You're like the Mitchell brothers Yeah Is that Matt Lucas Hanging off that dude

Yeah anyway Here I get this one This is just something that happened You're like the Mitchell brothers? Is that Matt Lucas hanging off that dude? Yeah, anyway. Here, I'll get this one. This is just something that happened. All right. He's killed bride at McDonald's. Okay. And I went, can I have three chicken slates, please? He just went a bit quiet on the mic and then come back over and went,

we've only got five. Can you just tell us that one more time? He's like, we've only got five. Can you just tell us that one more time? He's like, we've only got five. I was like, can I have three of them? And he was like, the only common threes and fives. I was like, I'll have five chickens and leeks the night away. I got away with five. I just thought there was something in it.

It's on its own That's it That's what happened It made us laugh And I voiced my word To my wife And told her about it And she was laughing

And returning Yeah yeah I was like It could be a bit Might not be a bit It is funny Again I can see why

You've noted it It's funny in itself It's got nowhere to go That's it Yeah But I can see why it's there But it's It's a tiny little dead end

yeah yeah yeah that would be hard to back up out of like why have you said this yeah yeah that's right if it goes anywhere anyway

anyway chocolate bars I always it means is that my mate went through KFC and then he went just let you know we've got no chicken

and he just let it go like a heads up you know what I'm saying yeah yeah he was like what do you mean you've got no chicken in your KFC and then he just like a heads up. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. He was like, what do you mean you've got no chicken in your KFC? And then he just come back and went,

yeah, what else we meant to run out of? Fugs. What else we meant to run out of? That's great. Two little exchanges. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the make and the drive-thru.

I just say They are funny They're both funny Yeah yeah Individually funny What am I going to do With these It's like

It's like when you Fucking finish making An Ikea And you've just got Two little bits left And you're like I hope these aren't important Yeah yeah yeah

But in fact The three out of five Is ridiculous That they wouldn't Give you anything It's not like You're asking for Like if you're not

Going into Primark And going Can I have one of those Pair of socks Like one of the socks From the pair It doesn't Like it doesn't really

Work like that Yeah It's like the When people When the riots were on People were going Steal the display shoe You didn't steal

The other one The other one shoe Like the They never put two shoes On display When you're making The display shoe That's great Like you've got one shoe like this they never put two shoes on display when you're nicking a display shoe that's great

like there may be something maybe as if you could just bunch a bunch of stuff like that together that could be like a good trigger

happy bit or it could be like part of a bit about like you're not going to get a great deal of initiative from like as soon as people

start showing initiative in these level of jobs yeah they're gone because they'll get a better job they'll move up the line they'll apply for something else they're gone it don't last very long so you're always going to get in these jobs you're going to get the little bit of no initiative yeah but then again not even that like even that is a longer bit isn't quite just derogatory for no reason yeah i don't know what the bit is i don't know what the bit is i don't know what the bit is that that's a part of yeah what's the point bar amusement the only point really is this is amusing there's a little aside i like it though i don't mind an aside but it

normally has to have like a look again it's like it's in working order it's just on the shelf yeah yeah yeah yeah but there's definitely something in's definitely something in not being able to give someone free things when you have five because you only sell it in five. It's in one of my ideas too. Yeah, yeah. I can't really fuck Al with a two. I'm going to sell you this as a five.

I'm sure you'll survive McDonald's. Yeah. McDonald's went bust. McDonald's went bust. That's what I was going to say. Some rude... That's what I'm on the fucking news. Some rude Geordie cunt

fucked us. Now nobody's going to do it. Somebody always spoils it. Yeah. They always say that McDonald's are always really bugging up the fact that they put people through college. Did you ever see that, no? No. Maybe I'm the only person.

Maybe I'm the only people that reads the literature in McDonald's. They're always like. They put little community magazines out We pay for college They're like Ooh a new one Ooh it's a new quarter I think they pay for loads of courses

For their staff to do If they're there If you stay for like A couple of years They'll help you out With like About a university You can work your way all the way

To the top corner of McDonald's If you can start out You can end up being the clown That's so funny you went from CEO to clown well go you're in the big box

you've done a really good job of saying you're Ronald now I go back does it pay him oh pay yeah

what do you need it's not just a clown now it's prestige oh you need you know what you're no deserved to be Ronald McDonald you're fired

pay No, no, you're just a clown now. It's prestige. Oh, you need, you know what? You don't deserve to be Ronald McDonald. You're fired. Pay. I don't even know why you joined this company. I've been there for 15 years. Imagine trying to explain that to your, you come back to your wife, lost her job, trying to explain it.

I wouldn't take the clown. And then she's a knight too What do you mean You wouldn't be Ronald McDonald I'd love to fuck Ronald McDonald Wife I've been with you

This whole time I stood by you Through the five Chicken select things I met you in McDonald's Fuck it Al Yeah What you got

This one Right This one is shite But It's impossible to eat 100% of a croissant, but there's a 100% chance I'll pronounce it differently the next time. Right, I'll tell you something. I'll let you in on a little secret.

That is laugh. I don't know why. I don't know why I'm laughing. Because the joke's about nobody pronounces croissant croissant croissant so there's no need

for the first part no it's impossible to eat 100% of a croissant you held me hand to the punchline and then I looked around

and the person holding me hand was gone and it's like where how did I get here I swore there was a I swore there was a feed line that I was holding onto.

That's no relevant swear. There's no more to that, by the way. No work, please. Yeah, basically the joke there is basically nobody, I'll pronounce croissant. I don't even think I've done it there. Croissant. Croissant.

No, I can't go. Croissant. I just keep saying croissant. Croissant. I can't go Croissant Croissant She just keeps saying croissant Croissant I know people call it croissant I say croissant I say croissant Croissant

Croissant You put the R in there Croissant Yeah I say like Jonathan Ross Would say croissant Croissant Yeah

There's not I'll say guacamole though Say Barcelona Barcelona Yeah I used to You could never say Like Santa Caterina Yeah There's not I'll say guacamole though Say Barcelona Barcelona Yeah I used to You could never say Like Santa Cazorla

Santa Cazorla Santa Cazorla Santa Cazorla Oh there was something At Bar I've always had Hardline stance With I'm saying Barcelona

Like look You're going to say Barcelona But I'm not lifting My way through Barcelona For you Yeah yeah

I feel like you're Mocking them Right but I'm from Barcelona The minute someone Says Ibiza I'm like Lisping my way Through Barcelona For you Yeah yeah I feel like you're Mocking them Right but The minute someone Says Ibiza I'm like It's Ibiza Yeah alright

It's Ibiza What are you doing Lisping on nothing Yeah yeah Like Okay Do you know what I'm pretty sure

I've got a double standard With Barcelona And Ibiza I'm pretty sure I call it Ibiza Sometimes Yeah I'm just fair enough

Fair enough Look at you I'm not joking I'm not Fair enough. Look at you. I'm not joking. Look at you. Look at you. Do another. This one was just a note. It said,

like, I tried to join the gym. A gym. Oh, my God. We just pronounce everything differently. Try to buy

a Simpsons, a game. Game. Yeah. I tried to join the gym and I was told that. You still said gym. Stop told I had Stop saying gym Stop saying gym

That's how Gymnasium I can't even pronounce the thing right That's how little I've been So I joined the gym Was told I had terrible form And that was before I changed Just somebody there You didn't even specify it was a pt like

the trial yeah yeah yeah you've got terrible form yeah during the induction induction is probably the induction i got told i had terrible form during the induction yeah i didn't even change no i don't know it's just funny just to tell having bad form like it's it's too vague on what you mean as the second kind of form

because like I think it would only work with you guys because you look at me like an alien yeah somebody that just doesn't you constantly joke about

it looks like an alien yeah so like a form like a like a I think that would land and other people are just like

like you say would be just like what do you mean by the kind of what the fuck just kind of oh you've got bad form like a like a I think that would land and other people are just like like you say would be just like what do you mean by kind of what the fuck just kind of oh you've got bad form be like

I'm not a shapeshifter yeah yeah this is my only form yeah yeah I tried yeah so you can always go along them lines

of just go like how many forms do you think I can I'm not a I'm not a druid in D&D I can't wild shape this could have been a malteser just think of it like marlon brando i'm trying to do godfather

yeah you could do godfather but it's just like slip right around the back he's just speaking normally and he's like cotton buds did he put cotton in his mouth i imagine it was balls of cotton oh yeah well i thought it was balls of cotton. Oh, yeah, well, I thought it was Maltesers, but obviously you're not around Maltesers. Marlon Brando did not put Maltesers in his mouth.

I'm so sure it's Maltesers. There's no way he would have been able to get to his scene without swallowing them. I don't even know their... There's no way Marlon Brando has the willpower. This is why, this is the only reason why. There's no way he had the willpower.

It's so how he was with women. The chocolate's wearing off. It's so how he was with women. The chocolate's wearing off. It's just getting honey, not honeycomb, but that stuff in the middle. The malt. The malt. Is that what it is?

Just call it a malt. Man, I'm not doing well today. Game. I don't know who that fucking Atwood one was either. I mean, I still don't know if that fucking Atwood one was either nah I mean I still don't know if I got it right well

okay I don't know if there's anything in this right but I wrote down I miss old school Christmas shopping when you could buy

films and music I'd get my dad to rush out to David Day and my mom the Gabrielle CD now I have to buy them V-Bucks so they can get

Fortnite dances oh god Jesus Christ and the joke's just about everything going digital but the reveal is lcd now i have to buy them v books so they can get fortnite dances oh god jesus christ and the joke's just about everything going digital but the reveal is that my mom and dad are into that stuff i mean do you know i think fucking v books as well as funny it is funny buying v books in fairness it's a funny i think it's still a funny comedy word it is it's very v book yeah v books is like I think it carries a lot of sadness in Fortnite dances

yeah like people kind of people who know exactly what they are people that know what they are passively through children

exactly that are in their life in teenagers yeah even footballers there's the Fortnite dances people are sports doing the dances and it does

it does sound like very boomer coming from somewhere my age to say V-Bucks and Fortnite dances like it's like um actually i'm gonna link this to another note that i've got right i'm not even gonna look at it because you're like i think i think i know what it is it's like when i turned 40 i got this superpower that i didn't even know i had and that can just end trends immediately like that by just joining in on them like i called a meme dank once and

you've never heard of me and get called dank since like that stopped that was me i'm drunk with power if you want us to say raise i'll do it you want us to say raise i'll go for it please man you've got some fucking crack and raise you kid like he's gone raise is gone that's it it's over you said that like it was the wild west too back in Riz you there kid I think Riz is putting in putting in old school terms

like hey give me all your V-bucks your Riz your Riz is on fleek like ended done done

done dead jeez do you think you could get a massive job you know like in movies they always like if you're a good hacker like they hire you always like the CIA or something do you think you could get a massive job You know like In movies they always like If you're a good hacker

Like they hire you always Like the CIA or something Do you think you're going to get hired by like Somebody wants to get rid of like Rihanna's clothing range Start wearing it Get Kai in that The opposite yeah

Get Kai in Rihanna's Kardashian's ringing you up Yeah Stop wearing that You're fucking up my range You're like You're trying to get me to buy But if you did McDonald's

Now it is Hold on I was saying that I was My idea was The opposite company you're fucking up my brain but if you did McDonald's now this hold on I was saying my idea was the opposite company would pay you to wear but yours is

you would basically blackmail them go straight to Rihanna I'm wearing your clothes until you fucking pay me did not Rihanna just as when I say this

I've got no ulterior motive I feel like I look good in these I look good in this range this is me you made this for me that's great I think like there is something

a little bit tragic in admitting that you're in trends but there's also something self-aware and going oh like I can't join in on saying Riz

yes like there's people out there doing it I'd rather you just know that I'm aware that those words aren't for me and I am also like, I can't join in on saying Riz. Yes. Like, there's people out there doing it. I'd rather you just know that I'm aware that those words aren't for me, and I am also aware that I can fucking just throw one in and end it immediately. I only know, like, Matt Rife and Elliot

is the only people I've ever heard say Riz. Elliot keeps referring to attractive women as buff. Yeah, that's so funny. And buff is already taken. It means hench. Yeah. Buff already means Like muscular

So you The thing you're describing You're describing it With the wrong word Because you're painting a picture Yeah It made me think Buff day as well

Which is just a homophobic slur You know You're like What are you doing So he was like Oh she's buff And I was like Jesus calm down

Like David Batty Lived in the right decade Didn't he Oh man If he was playing football Ten years later The new Gary Speed Have you got Batty In your fantasy he lived in the right decade didn't he oh man if he was born if he was playing football 10 years later the new gary speed have you got batty in your fantasy have you got batty in your fantasy in your dreams in your dream team great um so um yeah like maybe it's the like i don't know if

that's got something in it yeah like a buy buying digital but like for your parents and then but then like the end the end of the the other bit that i've got i mean notice they've been able to end trends i think there's something in that and i can't yeah yeah i can't do that if like anybody at any point can do something about the age they are now there's always something in the age you are that will either relate to other people or just make people who are older than you mad yes man you know when you see that we're watching danny's old clip and he was he called someone in the audience 31 old oh did he yeah he was sat there as a 34 year old watching so you can't don't age with air like so there's a couple of things that i can put on that like general premise and one of them is when I fell over

and my friend didn't laugh yeah he checked I was okay first oh no devastating bit of like news have you told have we told you about

Waa doing that at football no first day of football in this five-a-side he went and did a to do the warm-up you know he did a big leg swing

on his boots and just fucking Back flipped And nobody laughed Everybody went Are you okay Is he alright It was about Yeah then

And then we laughed But like yeah Well that makes me feel better Because I'm fucking Eight years older than Mo But at least he was doing Contact support I just slipped

Yeah alright okay Oh no He was a fool Oh he had a fall Oh yeah Oh no You had a fall He didn't fall over

He had a fall Yeah He's had a moment Yeah A't fall over you had a fall yeah he's had a moment yeah moments are great where do you put it so I'm not going to dig

into my notes because the notes there the oh that bit that's on age is like realisation of like

the generation you're in I remember a time I'm just going to tell you this conversation I remember a time when there was no shower gel what can you was no shower gel. What?

Can you remember before shower gel? Man. No, what are you talking about? Man, there was just not long before you come along, I'm not much older than you. Are you sounding like you're blaming me? No. You stinking?

You invented shower gel. Man, there was only the family bar of soap. What? The family bar of soap. I remember I had a bar of soap. I had charge. You would have if you're seven years younger than me. I remember shower gel coming. I remember CDs being a new thing.

CDs would have already been there when you were like, I remember the first CD we had in our house was a Lionel Richie CD. It was like... Different family. would have already been there when you like I remember the first CD we had in our house was a Lionel Richie CD right and fucking it was like different family mine was music for the jilted generation the prodigy

genuinely that was your first CD but like only because it's the first one you bought CDs had already been out for a while I just remember that

being like technology in the house I was like this future this silver fucking disc oh god can you put it in that's not going to play music it can't it's hilarious this's not going to play music it can't

it's not physically it's hilarious this tape you can see the music on it if you hold it up to the light yeah I'll just wind it back in with my finger

and then put it in the music exists and put like hold on now record players are out so you looked at a record player took a vinyl off and then saw someone

put a CD the exact same thing but even then you could kind of get your head around the fact that there was like something that was doing the vibrations and the music is vibrations because that's sound. So you could kind of get your head around

that the vibrations within the grooves and the diamond and the amplification, you could, as a Luddite, you could still get your head around how that transferred music. But with a CD, it was like,

a laser. I can see through that if you hold it. Yeah, yeah. But now the soap, the punchline I wrote on the soap thing is like, now you used to have to wash your face with your mother's pubes. Jesus Christ. Well, there may be a dad too.

Yeah, there is. And then I actually wrote a tagline and then realised how dated the tagline was when I was like, that makes us feel old as well, a woman with pubes. But that's like 20 years old since everyone was shaven.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that even as an idea predates my comedy career. I just wrote a tagline as an 80s comic and then went, nah. Nah. That's great.

But I do actually remember just the family bar of soap. Yeah, that's great though. Look at this. I'll just, I'll make you read this. You're talking about 80s comic. Just read that,

just read that last note i had a chicken once lived for 18 months without a head yeah fucking same does it does not make any sense push that's that is a joke you would make as a parody of a really bad comic, wouldn't it? Like if you had a joke. Yeah, yeah. Fucking, I had, didn't even think. Check with your head. Yeah, fucking see him.

Is that it? Is that it? I've been 41 years. Jesus. Absolute shite. I had one, this was more of a thought. It was like,

if you're driving, I read this, still haven't fucking passed nothing, right? If you're down the motorway, it said there was a big sign saying tiredness can kill. Please make sure you rest before taking long journeys. And I was like, you know what else can kill? Reading all that at high speed.

That's so long. I think that's going to make a dual punch thing. Reading all that while driving is funny. Yeah. But at high speed. Yeah. It's like I get you a punchline. Reading all that while driving is funny. Yeah. But at high speed. Yeah. It's like I'm already driving dangerously. Oh, yeah.

You're going to distract us with a chapter of a fucking book. All right, one piece. Yeah. More a point. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. That would maybe work if I cleaned it up just.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that. You I cleaned it up just. Yeah. You got any more? Hey, yeah. Well, there's a quick. This one's not funny, so I'll just drop this one. Great. I was really embarrassed. I'm here for this.

This is really embarrassed. I know a guy who died in a surfing accident. The internet cafe exploded. That's what I want. 20-year-old joke. Is it? No, it's like, That's another one. 20 year old joke. Is it? They're not like, it's topical.

It's topical in the wrong decade. Like my pubes one. An internet cafe. Like me and you, me and you are writing a killer set for the early thousands, late 90s. The millennial,

the millennium set. Fucking great. Oh, for fuck's sake But But I think We'd be killing it in Live Aid Will 2K Don't even try and fix that

That was just fucking stupid But That's good That's how That just shows you though The notes that sometimes you have And you're like Didn't delete it though

Kept it as if like somehow i could fix it no yeah it's still in there but you know what the surfing surfing accident so you know what let's do it this way you didn't go caught a surfing accident to look the traces ip when you been downloading child porn off the dark web okay surfing accident didn't use a VPN accident yeah

there's something there might be there's something in surfing you can you can absolutely fix the punchline it doesn't have to be internet cafe

it's typical me as well that the person has to die I do this all the time and just everybody dies and I'm trying to work out where the joke goes from the guy dying

and all it has to do is nobody died the joke goes from the guy dying and all it has to do is nobody died the joke's there but stop fucking doing that I've done that many times not that one somebody's always

dying I've always like my uncle fucking died he blew up somebody fucking exploded I'm always trying to blow people up it's Irish

didn't you it's the Irish side of you right about what you know both sides both sides what else do you have there come on kind of you? Right about what you know. Both sides. Both sides.

What else do you have there? Come on. I don't know. You know when you write stuff out long form in your notes, you never get back to it. It needs to be a hidden. It needs to be a hidden. If you start going thunder thumbs,

which is usually late at night. Yeah, yeah. Because you're not like, you're not thunder thumbs at a restaurant when something funny's being said in the group. Yeah. Right? It's always when you're lying there and your thoughts are like fucking spilling out your brain yeah right so i'm just gonna read it out okay right i work i work late and she works earlier i can only assume that i'm tired with my wife right she she works earlier i'm on nights and we both we both have work

and we both have work I've fucking I should have tidied this up before I try to read it we'll have this four hour crossover when we're in bed together okay

when I get in and when she gets up there's a four hour crossover when we're in bed together so obviously when I come in it's like 1, 2am I tiptoe up the stairs

I creep through sheer darkness I get undressed and slip quietly into bed without waking her. Now tell me, do you think she returns the favour at 6 in the morning? That's the premise. That's the long set up to the premise. Does she fuck? She somehow gets the floodlights from

St James's Park into her bedroom. She plays up the fucking wind turbine to dry her hair at the foot of the bed. We've got a four bedroom house and no kids. She could literally do this anywhere else in the house. It's an act of aggression. I swear to God I'm going to bring up a nutri bullet to start making smoothies before bed when i get in from work this is just this is just it's like a it's like a you're just anger i'm just angry she starts chatting on like full-on java jaws i'm just listening i give her give me pure stream of

consciousness over the hair dryer the worst worst thing is she loads it with important information. She'll get in from work and she'll be like, I thought I told you to go to Waterstones and get them books for your dad for Christmas.

I was asleep. That's the point. And then I've written block capitals. It's like I've come out of a coma straight into a quiz. In fairness,

that's funny. The rest of it will just look like Mind you There's some funny lines in it Do you know what I mean I don't know Yeah

Because it's like I don't want to Like Me and my wife Like really get along Yeah yeah Exactly Listen to criticism

And I'll make fun of her When she's bumping around Yeah I'll make fun I'll be like In bed just going Oh did I do this When I got in last night

Did I No no Run shot on me? Yeah, yeah. Just fuck off. We're good humoured. Yeah, yeah. So the risk I'd have, the risk I'd have is like the way it's pitched

when it's written down there, it's like that fucking complaining about her indoors. Yeah. Which isn't me life. It is comic. Which isn't me life. Me life isn't that. Yeah, yeah.

It is comic but but as a premise and the way i've written that down and the reason i've wrote it down is because i think that's fucking hyper relatable it is because because there's something a bit more sacred about that portion of night time than there is about that portion of morning yeah yeah definitely like i don't know why but when i'm tiptoeing around at night i'm not thinking like i'm thinking everybody else is in bed yeah i'm the one awake don't wake everybody but the people that get up in the morning are like well everybody should be up now why are you all not up like whoa we've on different fucking cycles here like we could

not respect each end of it so like i think the the gist of that that is relatable to people is that the fucking top and tail of the sleep pattern is like totally swayed towards the early people. Yeah, yeah. And it is that like the whole idea is just flipping that on the head. Like imagine I just come in at night and stomping around and then you probably will get people in that relationship where fucking cunts do do that.

Yeah, yeah. They come in drunk and wake them up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know, that would work if you actually, that whole bit would work, Anthony, if you were able to explain that without,

like, shorter. Yeah. Without losing them. It's long-winded. You couldn't do it in a club. Yeah, yeah. You know,

you're not winning over a fucking rowdy stag party with that banner. Listen! Shouting listen. Listen! Listen. Colin, we've

got to go and play football now. Great. We've got loads left right? So like if

people enjoyed this we'll come back and do more. Yeah. If not, we'll do it in our own

time. Not doing it in our time. Like genuinely this is a fucking great part of the

writing process. It's just like looking at the bits that you would normally leave for dead and bringing them out and just getting an extra pair of eyes on them

it's also fun just to get it out of your system if it is dead if it was enjoyable for you too let us know and we'll make sure we hit record

when we do it bingo thank you bye bye