Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Animal Propaganda

Episode Date: July 27, 2022

Gareth "G-Tip" Waugh joins the podcast to listen to Cream cast aspersions that may or may not be true about innocent animals that aren't here to defend themselves. Several frogs were harmed in the making of this podcast.              

Hello and welcome to Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. It's me, your favourite comedian, Gareth Waugh. Or maybe you've never heard of me. On this week's episode we speak about rats, fish, mostly fish, fish again, and women. And what's wrong with them. So, hey, enjoy that. And please sign up to the Patreon, which I receive no benefit for, but it's pretty fucking cool.

Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head to make you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats?

That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Is it called free ballin'?

Yeah. Free wheelin'? Free ballin'. Free fallin'. Spit ballin'. Spit... Spit wheelin'. That's all, yeah.

That's great. it's free ballings where you don't wear any wheeling that's the John Neos song because free free

balling that was nice and I've always wanted a home run over you guys in Scotland that means crying for no money

alright thanks for having me on I'm off yeah that's it that's straight what happened to the big reveal with Gareth? I will fade out in two minutes. Such a fucking wait. Welcome back to the podcast. It's nice to be here from the start. It's good to have you on. You were also on your phone for heaps of the last one. Because I wasn't on it. Aye, that was kind. I like being on your phone for heaps of the last one because I wasn't on it aye that was kind

I like being on my phone Natalie was like did Gareth still think he was off camera for the second half of the podcast because he was just texting oh yeah yeah

no I think it's because Marlena was she was winding me up about something aye that's what she does what was it again oh let's not get into

let's not get back into the heads no no no I quite like it no no I don't I think it's a no, I don't. I think it's a... I haven't done this podcast... I've been up a fight for months.

Aye. Having done this podcast with Kai for several years, I know how to be like, stop going down the same dead end. Being like, no, no, I know a way out this time, guys. I reckon there's a secret book on that bookshelf and I'll pull it

and it'll be into a world of banter. No, we're back in the same room man coming from out here Drew Rogan over here that's what you boys are doing now we've got Matthew and Jack in the room

because they're gonna like if the hero were just going down the same topic that we did last week you're meant to pull us out of it because now that's

in your remit yeah well these two producers I thought they were just audience trainee producers I thought they were just big fans yeah oh Gareth's on we're coming to watch yeah well are these two producers aye trainee trainee producers I thought they were just big fans

yeah oh Gareth's on come and watch not even big fans of the podcast just you just the J-Tip how is he up to aye

just the J-Tip is there going to be any rapping in your fringe show this year no I'm done with that done once I've done it

put it to bed. I'm a lot like, you know, Kendrick Lamar. Who famously only rapped once. No, that's not true. But he's got a day like Cade of Pottery that doesn't rhyme.

Where he gives it like the rhythm and cadence of Pottery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The worst type. And then I got off the bus. Oh, so comedy too. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pretty high. I'm going to go on with a Throne of Crowns. I got off the bus oh so comedy too okay

yeah it's pretty it's pretty high I'm gonna go on with a throne of crowns just bleed all over the place yeah just some real like

artsy stuff just then do a bunch of then I rape them jokes and like all the audience are just sat there and I didn't get it but reviewers are just creaming the salad

but what they're gonna unpack from it audiences have always loved it I don't care about them anymore I want a reviewer to be sitting going oh it's not gonna in this, what they're going to unpack from you. Audiences have always loved it. I don't care about them anymore. I want a reviewer to be sitting going, oh. It's not going to.

Or the audience just don't see it because they're not as smart as me. Yeah. They can't interpret this art the way I see it. It's between you and I. Are you, the only way you're going to get that review is if you leave that many,

like, layers on top. Are you going to bury your actual comedy under all that shit or are you just gonna some days i think it will come across like it's buried under some shit but most of the time i won't be left where are you because wait wait wait was your last preview the same fucking piece of shit sterling gig that right okay because i was about

to ask you how confident are you in your current French run? But not the right time after that. Do you have other previews coming up? I've got, I'm in St. Andrews on Saturday. Oh, good, so you can wash the stink off. But I've still never done an hour, so it's not really a preview. I think it's unfair to call it a preview. It's going to be 40 minutes, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. St. Andrews is 40 minutes, so that'll be one of the longest ones. But the other ones have been 20 minutes. It's not a preview, it's just a gig. It's a gig in a hall where everyone is too bright. Yeah. I'd done a gig at Barnard.

Because I know how you felt after that, because I'd done the Thursday at Sterling gig. It just fucking skylights. The window, it had a ceiling window. Every time I caught eyes with somebody in the audience, they looked away because they were self-conscious. They were like, I hate you. They were in a crowd.

Yeah, so I went to Barnard Castle the next day, a perfectly run gig perfectly everything right and the material worked and I was like oh good like that's not really a representation

did you get there and go fucking hell man he's class Barnard Castle I get it sorry thanks

I hope that's what the whole fringe is oh right I get it you should have seen his like fucking last week on this he just dropped

an obvious gag and it took me they started the timer waiting for us to catch on yeah so slow so slow it was a horrible joke

though so fair to say drug damage good old cocaine catching up with us you know what because you know when I always say

that joke about drug damage but I've never really like been that bad compared to compared to people that live on it and have it day to day. We've had fringes, we've had festivals. What the fuck's going on with Charlie Sheen's mind? Is he alright?

Well, I don't know how much coke he's doing. Do you not remember his last interview? Has anyone welfare checked Charlie Sheen? No. We know somebody that works with Charlie Sheen that's done like the, you know, when like, whenever like American celebrities

like get big or fucking famous because they've had a breakdown or they're fucking freaking out, what happens is somebody goes, you could just tour around Europe and do like a Q&A and I guarantee

5,000 Swedes will turn up being like, this is the cunt that went mental. The novelty of it. Oprah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well up being like, this is the cunt that went mental. The novelty of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, because, like, even when Phil Mitchell come to Blythe to, I was bedlit to do a DJ set at a nightclub,

everybody showed up because fucking Steve McFadden's there, right? Like, the guys who have got, like, a level of celebrity could just show up at a place where they're not meant to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they'll get fucking everyone in the local area to come see them. So if you've got that level of fame you can just pop up places

not that Phil Mitchell and Charlie Sheen I was just going to say nobody's used them in the same sentence Charlie Sheen is to Swedes

what Phil Mitchell is to Geordies I did a Butland Skegness with Tinchy Strider did you? I feel like he should be way more famous than that.

Or did he only have like one song? Number one with N-dubs. Oh, yeah. And I think that was it. And there was also Blazing Squad and A1 and somebody else. It was a big noughties weekend. I had a real nice one where I stayed in the same chalet as Akil the MC from Jurassic 5.

Oh, yeah, I remember that. He was cool as fuck he was the first ever fin show I had he was my first punter front runner

he was the music I had on Concrete Schoolyard when I come in so that music actually still fucking sends me back to when I was nervous

as fuck behind the curtain like it's still a bit jarring for us if I hear it because it was just the headspace I was in but it was fucking cool as fuck

meeting him like I had a spliff with him but he couldn't smoke because his heart was hurting that's not a cool story at all no

he was like I've had surgery or something so I can't smoke I'm going to roll this you're rolling a spliff oh he rolled you one you give us the ball

I got to have one of his fucking spliffs it's like going for a drink with Tyson and he pours you and goes I can't drink aww

well yeah me and Colton had that with Steve-O aww yeah we had a drink in the company of Steve-O thanks buddy cluck cluck cluck

do you want some guy on a date you're normally not a pussy I thought you were cool that's so yeah

what if I film it will you do it then would you make it somebody then that's famous now that in like 10 years time you'll be doing a gig with oh

right so somebody that's like oh I'll just I'll take the veer into stand up comedy because my thing hasn't worked out not even stand up comedy

just like you'll see them somewhere like oh what a fall from grace em where you just grace where you're on your slow way up while they're on

their rapid way down and you've met there somewhere and you're acting like you're the big man

but you're in the same spot you're both in Portland aye because it's not going to be somebody like

Stormzy is it no I'd be mad if me and Stormzy were in Portland in 10 years I feel like who's

I don't I just don't know enough about any kind of like pop music or you don't know who's big now nah nah

it'll be like for the people that burst on them no Joel Dommett like hey old friend we'll meet again everyone gigs with

Joel Dommett twice I could be that like Sterling maybe as well once Love Island eventually kills all the

young people in a country there's no more contestants left Sterling's back there's no more rope left at B&Q

starting to feel like he's the problem I've been following like old celebrities I'm starting to feel like he's the problem I've been following like old celebrities you know when you have people who were like famous in like the 90s at the time they were like the biggest and you just go where the fuck are they now I can't even remember for what reason

ended up from Craig from Big Brother 1 yep right and I was just like just out of curiosity because I remember when he won Big Brother was like the biggest show in the UK at the time it must have I mean the final

find out about many of the final of the first Big Brother series I think it was a million I want to say a million people watched it yeah in the UK oh sorry

I think it was a million when you said the prize money ah yeah no no like how many people watched it I was like they're like a million's not heaps

it would have been way more than that I remember when Big Brother first came out and my mates were like pitching it to me and they're like a million's not heaps it would have been way more than that I remember when Big Brother first came out and my mates were like pitching it to me and they're like you can see them like in the shower and stuff if you watch the 24 hour cameras and I was like

Kate Lawler yeah yeah Kate Lawler side boobing that can you remember 4.5 million 4.5 million right there you go right so heaps of people

fucking watched it I like to TikTok these days aye shit but that's what TikTok's but at the time more people have watched Elliot Steele Just complain to a fan

He's now Just a joiner I thought he would be a joiner Because that's what he was Sorry I shouldn't have said Just a joiner I didn't mean that People building an extension

Now listen to us On the wireless Just shedding a tear Sorry lads Sorry lads sorry lads he's above his station just kicked in a gazebo and went

I'm gonna have to fix that again it was worth it though I just Jesus was just a joiner no he was also the son of God eventually but Craig was also

on Big Brother Jesus wasn't doing miracles when he was like four though was he was he not though, was he? Was he not? Maybe like Matilda-esque miracles. Aye. He was just like, he was looking at Mary's tits and then just going,

well, that milk's a meaner. Squirted milk out of his mouth. Just milked her from afar. Aye. Just gets his fat friend to have way too much of her milk. Like, you're impossible. You gotta. Did Jesus have super strength?

Or am I thinking of Hulk? Imagine Jesus had super strength and he just was stuck on the cross gun. Well, why don't I just use my powers? Wrench them off. But then he wouldn't have died from the strength. But he's a giant

and he appreciates good woodwork. What an ironic way it was to die in there wasn't it it's like me laughing to death you're not using that hammer are you

alright must be on the job you'd be better off with screws there just stay in because I'll just rip these off it's mad

it's crazy it won't hold me up jeez I've got to screw it to the cross because he's a backseat driver dovetail here Well on your head be it

Do you know what You're going to Crown of thorns now as well You've gone through The ankles which are Actually much narrower So you've probably Split the blown

I would have gone Through the feet Yeah there There He did go through The feet Did he go through the feet. Did they go through his ankles? Brutal.

Yeah, I think they, yeah. Oh, man. Well, I mean, I didn't. I wasn't there. I don't know why I thought the crucifixion was fine until then. And then it was, yeah, it was one through both of his arms so he could move, one through both of his legs,

and then one through his heart to make sure he wasn't a vampire and then one through his eye just to spite him at that point they were just being dicks they were just giving him also just little henna tattoos At the same time Aye They're like the ones That you The proper authentic Maori ones Aye Wait no

Henna's Maori Absolutely No you know the ones Like where they Tap the ink Oh yeah That's not what a henna is

A henna's just like a transfer Aye No no no But the one with the actual Bone things Is a henna a transfer No a henna's not a transfer At all

A henna is It's not permanent It's definitely not The hammer and bone one Aye Hannah is it's not permanent it's definitely not the hammer and bone one alright but is it not is it not done with a stick though I don't know maybe

it's like a I've had it I've got a Hannah tattoo icing oh well temporary I've got a I think

it was yeah I've got like a band on my arm like Mel C just I think it was like back when tribal

was a thing just couldn't run away I had it on my hand I buy a thousand roses and buy a thousand more that was probably as big as it got I kept doing that

I was like that's good that would be a good bit to do. Like if for whatever reason you were at a kid's birthday party and you were an adult getting a face tattoo, just pretending it was agony the whole time. Face tattoo?

Face pin. Face pin, yeah. Face tattoo. Not the ones that you rub on with an eye on? No. Pretending it hurts. The men's t-shirts. The men's t-shirts.'re meant for you're meant for

you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for

you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for

you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for

you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for

you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for

you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for

you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for

you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for

you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for you're meant for go to Sea World? God, yeah. Over in North Queensbury? Oh, wait, yeah. But I've also been to the Florida, the bad one. Oh, no, no. The evil one. The evil one, well. Have you been to the North Queensbury

one? Yeah, several times. Now, when was the last time you were there? Quite recently and it was so sad. Oh, so we took Caelan there yesterday and my brothers are 10 and 12 years younger than me. I remember taking them there all the time.

They loved it. It's one of those ones where it's got like the moving walkway, underground tunnel. Longest in Europe. Yeah, apparently. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And boy, it was, in my memory, was it long. And there were millions of fish in my memory.

And it was green. And fucking, I don't know whether that was all just lies i told myself yeah maybe well no because i remember being even as a teenager because i was taking them through when they were you know three i think it was better like they used to have seals and stuff didn't they they still do and those seals need like i don't know if anyone in the uk has uh well, people must have hunting rifles, I don't know if anyone's got a sniper rifle, but you would be doing the kindest thing in the world

if you were to just stand on the Forth Road Bridge and just fucking pick those seals off, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just from a distance. The only seals in the world I've seen with fag brakes. They're not having a nice time, man. Oh, man, the Forth is right there, where there are actual seals

that are just free and wild and that you can go watch and they are just locked into like there isn't a Janny at this place at all like it's just

it's not been cleaned forever none of the there's only seven fish left in the whole fucking aquarium like I couldn't believe it I'm like oh they clearly are just letting them die off

and then selling them at the cafe. And then they're just like, that's when we're going to run out. That's when it's over. Oh, I fished out your sandwiches. Meatballs. Some of it was class. Did you ever do the thing where they, like, you had to test all the water and find the polluted water?

Like a little science thing one time. How did you do the pool test for them? We got the kids grafting, they had the pH levels. Even then, at least it was getting done back then. I remember my dad my sister and me did that you've got to

try and find out there was like four test tubes and you had to figure out which was the polluted water it was great fun

and then they had you in back washing the filters and that's the reason they stopped doing that is because that's all of the water

now like absolutely nobody there it felt was you know when you go to these places there's always like a conservationist

or somebody who's like a vet and stuff. It was like, who's the one with the degree here? Because I'm just seeing teenagers and people in their 20s running. Remember the stand did a promo for the fringe there and they got the comedians to go in with the sharks? No. Oh, that's a great story.

So Roe Campbell's in there, and because he's Australian, he thinks he fucking knows sharks and fish and all that. Right? He tickled, like, a little fish on the nose, and it bit his finger. And his finger started bleeding. Oh, no.

So, it's going up. So, then one of the divers that took him down had to lie on top of him while all the sharks are, like, going above him. Great. And they were like, I need to hide you because the blood's coming up

so he nearly got fucking ate by sharks and snored oh my goodness good I really wish that had happened imagine moving away from

Australia you're from Adelaide yeah yeah moving away from Australia where the fucking waters are infested getting eaten by a Scottish shark

in captivity in a paddling pool it would be a very cool way to go yeah and getting eaten by a Scottish shark in captivity. In a paddling pool. It would be a very cool way to go. But yeah, it's pretty grim. My sister worked there for a wee bit. She did a marine biology course and she was obsessed with sharks. So she went there and she said

it was on the downward slope then. And that was like eight years ago. Yeah, I remember it being so good. And when I took Cara in there there the first bit was all right because go down and uh like there's piranhas you're like oh that's that's cool i remember those piranhas and they haven't moved in the 20 years it's been since i've fucking been there and then uh and then and then you're just at the end of it you're like you do you do the longest one in europe you come back up and you go, oh, and then there's the sad seals. Did you touch a wee starfish or that?

No, no. We could have played a... There were rays, aye. There was a snake. I love the aquarium as well. Why did they have cats in the aquarium? The ones where they just let you fire away and fucking blast out the beasts. Aye.

Yeah, yeah, touch the things and learn them. Aye, the niggas. Man, a raise, get in amongst there, fucking dive in with your hands, then we wash them, sun lotion and all the other cunts. Start, like, cracking your knuckles, like, this is for Steve.

I mean, that's... That's death. That's why you can't... I think that's why there's no, like, petting bit in the... You can't have a petting zoo in Fife, because... Have they taken away the petting bit in the you can't have a petting zoo in Fife because have they taken away the petting bit

aye there is no form of petting any animal in Fife outside of have some chips in your hand

wait and clock a gull that's the only time you ever get to touch a wild animal the only petting in Sea World is heavy

alright doll have you lost your kids too mine's just really kids too I remember when I went and they like held up a starfish and all the kids

got to feel the starfish and then the first kid that felt it the guy went congratulations you've just felt it's bum and everyone was like

no way losing their minds and then everyone touched the legs after that but he was like because the arse is on the top

you just fingered his hoop it was the funniest thing that kid he was like because the arse is on the top you're just thinking of his hoop it was the funniest thing that kid was called gay starfish for the six years of school rusty starfish

he was called Patrick Gacy very good bye I'm so sad because I fucking love aquariums man oh a good aquarium

is real good Sydney aquarium is unreal yeah and every time I go somewhere there's an aquarium and any missing kids there they just stuck them because I fucking love aquariums, man. Oh, a good aquarium's real good. Sydney Aquarium's unreal. Yeah. And every time I go somewhere, there's an aquarium. And any missing kids there, they just stuck them

like straight in the pool. That's what's good. That's what's dead good. Any sick animals, they're like, no vets in this aquarium, straight in with the sharks. It's class.

It's the right way to do it. That's the way Edinburgh Zoo should be. Second the animals start getting sick, you just throw them in with the lions. Edinburgh Zoo's shit now as well. Aye. Last time I did the penguin parade parade there was two penguins and i don't think two is a parade well look here here there's the problem and i look for some reason penguin parade edmure zoo is they they open the gates and they give the penguins the choice of whether they

come out and i think i i look there's no consent in the animal world anyway penguins don't ask each other to fuck each other they might make displays or whatever but if they're going to fuck they're going to fuck other animals just fucking make them do the parade get a stick hit them in the back there's fucking people that pay to come

get them out doing things they're getting fat look at those fat cunts fucking get their Scottish penguins make them go can we walk they're getting fat look at those fat cunts fucking get their Scottish penguins make them go on the walk instead of just being like well we have to ask them

why that's very orange order making them penguins are bastards penguins are fucking bastards it's the one bit I was never allowed to do like in the

oh you're not allowed their biscuits or their jokes anymore you got silenced I didn't get silenced but I just did a bit where I was very positive and had there been any negativity

we had penguins about after that, then it would have not... What was it a bit about? The gay penguins. No, no, I did the gay penguin bit, which was obviously a very positive bit. But the truth is penguins are assholes. Like if there is a penguin that's had a baby

and the other penguins haven't laid any eggs, they'll just kill that egg because fuck you, I'm not one. Oh, so they're like, they're spiteful. Yeah, real horrible creatures. They kind of just enjoy someone else's happiness. Nah, nah. They kind of be like, oh, look at them.

They're picky eaters in captivity, not in the wild. In the wild, they'll eat any fish, but in captivity, if you go up to them and give them fish. I think you mean for picky. Very good. Oh, no. to them and give them fish I think you mean Pippa Picky very good but you want to touch them as well

on the parade which I always found frustrating you should be allowed to just touch everything well yeah everything just let us touch

well I do reckon Starfish's bone was just a gateway drug oh man I want to finger a penguin do you reckon zoos back in like the 1900s

were just fucking class chaos oh my god like you were just like there was they didn't have any electric fans it was nothing it was just like lions

and elephants over there what's his face Henry the 8th had a menagerie menagerie is that what it's called no I think that's when you shag two other people. Menagerie three.

That's menagerie three. And he had a fucking polar bear in the Tower of London because Tom was on the fucking tour thing and he was used to fucking diving there in the Thames. It wouldn't have even been a polar bear anymore, it would have just been a fucking brown bear. Aye, big stinky covered in shite. Yeah, yeah.

That's who Paddington is. It's just a shit-covered brown bear. Oh, a big stinky covered in shite. Yeah, yeah. That's actually who Paddington is. It's just a shit covered polar bear. I remember Zoo used to have a polar bear. And then they had, it got,

it had, no, it had depression and it would like just jump up and down and that was when we were all like, oh man,

zoos aren't great. Maybe it's captivity is the problem. Well, they released it in Blair Drum and Savanny Park eventually because they were like this is just depressing everyone

turns out turns out spray painting the rocks white didn't make it think it was for some reason the bear saw

through that like within the first 12 years so the remaining 36 were utter hell for it and then in the final two they

released it into well not even final two they released it into Blair Drum and Savani Park where they like ran around there's a video of it like in grass in a field the biggest hell for it and then in the final two they released it into well not even the final two they released it into Blair Drum and Safari Park where they like ran around

there's a video of it like in grass in a field the biggest enclosure it's ever had losing its mind and then I think like four days later

it died died of just joy just went yeah and then it just collapsed and then a breeze came along and it just

like I'm glad they've got rid of the killer whales and that at SeaWorld in Florida I got to watch them before I knew it was abhorrent

so I got to enjoy it I got to enjoy it in a sense I ran to the front to the splash zone remember the first few rows that would

fuck its tail and you'd get all wet and you'd get all salt water and you're like ah that's class and then I'm glad it's fixed

but I'm also delighted I got to see it yeah I got to see an orca I'm glad I's fixed but I'm also delighted I got to see it yeah yeah I got to see an orca I'm glad I got to see both Shamu performing and Blackfish both great

at the time when I enjoyed them in the right order yeah yeah you can't watch them in the other order no like also like

did you see Blackfish at Black gigs crushes you know about the captivity thing did you ever hear that i think it's at the start of either sicario's or narcos or something where they talk about cocaine where they like they put a rat in a maze and they put water and food at one end and they put cocaine in the water at the other and every single time it goes for the cocaine and they're like i'm not saying animals are

like rats apart from when it comes to cocaine yeah Yeah, yeah. And that's the common thing. There's like an extension of that, apparently, where they give the rats enrichment and life, and they didn't always choose the cocaine, they just chose it sometimes, when the captivity wasn't just captivity. When they had play and family and shit like that, that they just sometimes went to the cocaine,

whereas the men... Oh, right. Right. And I don't know how much of that is bullshit from beginning to the cocaine whereas like the mother at home and I don't know how much of that is bullshit from beginning to end. Yeah. I think that's, I like the fact that it's not zero because that's when I'd be like alright

you're sceptic. It's like the second we gave the rat a home and a family and kids he stopped doing cocaine. It's more like look whenever we gave the rat a family home and regular food most days it spent with its kid whenever we gave the kid the rat family home and regular food most most days spent with its kid and then occasionally the kids were asleep and it didn't see its family for three days he came back a couple of days later the mum rat was like you fucking woof I want to say it like say it I'm a fucking

rat alright I went out with a rat I brought you back some cheese I'm not hungry let me tell you I brought you back some cheese I lost my appetite I got it on the way home I had one bite big mistake anyway

tried to drive some kid's head. Didn't work. Just pulled his hair out. And I don't think he wanted to be a chef. That's what you're doing. I'll just laugh along. Ratatouille. It's like, do a line.

Prove you're not a cop. That's why our chefs are on coke. Not because of the working conditions. It's just those are the rats that have escaped the cocaine test. They are now all chefs. They're just controlling all the chefs. If you give a rat a chef or some cocaine, it goes for the chef if he's a...

I'm going to give him the cocaine. Take him back through the maze. a chef for some cocaine it goes for the chef if he's like I'm emptying the cocaine take them back through the maze Daniel creates lulls from time to time it's quite funny I think we all created a lull

he doesn't create it he confirms it he's so capable of like that was fun, guys, but what am I going to do now? What's next? Well, you're the one that brings,

I'm happy to say, you're like, I'll acknowledge it and that'll get us out of it. Because I wanted to, like, I saw the lull coming and I went, I want to jump in here and I remember, it's not my podcast. Like, if this was happening on mine,

I would have been like, right, so let me go on to someone else. We can edit out lulls. We won't. We won't. won't we won't but we all can we all could I've got

you're acting like I'm not capable of editing we could we've got like a set up we could saw it you can just do it yourself you're a capable man do you just film on your phone

or yo my barbecue I didn't realise this until the other day Alexander Natalie's brother, we'd all obviously told him you had a son and everything, right?

And then he got introduced to your son at the barbecue and was convinced he heard, this is Caitlin, and questioned everything. We're like, oh, has that a daughter? He looks like a boy, but fuck, I don't want to misgender your kid. And just spent like 30 minutes just wanting someone to say he or she so that he could join in to the conversation

well jokes on him we only call Cale in it it it was like oh so there's a woman sexism so he was just it's always nice to remind them

of how far we've come come a long way you have a barbecue did you yeah sorry mate that's alright hey we invited you to a barbecue

it's not that you weren't invited it's not that you weren't invited and you just weren't welcome no I'm kidding he invited us

to a barbecue the other day and I came round and he was like we need to leave because Caelan's sick or whatever and I then

cooked all their food and then put in the fridge for them left I went am I a chef? I had to check my head for a wee rat. Am I in the Matrix?

I just made food, had a chat with Colin, then went home, watched Love Island. We do appreciate your cooking, it was. I mean, I don't know how well you cooked because it was in the fridge by the time we came back, but we're not dead. Have you seen Gary you know the lad that does Gary Poundland

Jack Kerwin have you seen Gary Poundland no he's got this belter video where it's he just does it like he's talking to himself and he cuts between his legs

oh so what were you doing on the weekend he's like oh yeah we had to go and identify Sharon's body after she was burnt in the fire and then there's like a pause and he goes where was my invoice? But no, it was organic barbecue

he was popping out to get weed off a dealer he was picking up hardcore drugs off one of my other guests Hardcore? Weed? Guess, guess who I'm going to guess

the one that has PTSD yeah yeah yeah yeah Cullen yeah we pretty troubled selling drugs

oh yeah PTSD anyway pretty troubled selling drugs nice Tom Horton level speed I know yeah

I hate myself for it. Mainly because she's all just went, yeah. Anyway. I'm going to be honest with you, I'm glad you explained it because I didn't get it and I was just trying to fucking... I know you didn't, I've seen it. Well, that's what you have to do. You have to sometimes. You can lead a horse... Are you doing a podcast with Laura? I'm just explaining the jokes.

He's got that... Is it just a common line or is it somebody's conversational piece about a joke's like a frog if you cut it

open you'll learn more about it but it dies yeah I think it's I think it's

an old trope in comedy and if it was originally said by someone just

caught yeah have you not no have you not I think I

heard it from Stuart Goldsmith I thought you were going to go if you

cut it open you can figure it out but it from Stuart Goldsmith I thought you were going to go if you cut it open you can figure it out but it's no fun anymore I say that you can't play with it anymore you can say it works but it starts being do you ever collect frogs

when you're wee I used to collect them in wee jars just jars just jars and then I'd maybe transfer them to a fish tank we had them in

Grandad's pond but I didn't round them up I remember I'd catch them in my hand down the burn and like leave a little bit open for air and that and then like run up to my grand's house it was maybe a three minute run and then just pop them in a jar take them home put them in a fish tank but one time I did it and I opened up and the frog was dead in my hands

straight in the witches brew yeah well they were like you need to stop doing this. I must have just suffocated or something like that. Or scared it to death. Maybe it was super scared of the dark. That made me feel mad powerful that you could scare something to death. Just by holding it. Mind when

he found the carcass of a dead frog in his bedroom. Oh my god, it's one of the worst things that's ever happened to me and I was not involved in any way. I've had a long history with frogs. You had a very untidy room, a subterranean... A very untidy room is underselling it massively. There was a dead

frog in the room for years. Yeah, but not even dead. Decomposed. It had finished decomposing. It was the skeleton of a frog around a carpet stain that used to be frog. It croaked around a carpet stain that used to be frog you'd been in the croaked thank you

I was I was there it's just for me that one I guess well you know there when we oh it was you when we fucking

because it was the frogs just got stuck down in that subterranean garden fucking bit and whenever we used to go out and smoke they'd fucking make their way

and we shut the door are you smoking weed we shut we clearly like shut it on one we shut the door. Are you smoking weed? We shut, we clearly like shut it on one and then the door wouldn't open. It was literally like half of, just. But the door hinged,

the door hinged, just like fucking cut the, like frog almost in half and we're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, and opened it

and it was just deformed, decapitated, still alive, drunk and run frog and like, you know what, like, should have put it out

of its misery we didn't we fucking just walked away oh god we didn't we were not scooping into the garden

no Rachel did it fixed it for us did she kill it aye Rachel she saw us go and be like leave it

I'll burn the house down we'll move it doesn't matter and Rachel was like I'm the mother of I'm a mother of two I'll deal with this put it in the misery

stuck it in a bin stuck it on your drawers you're like this will fucking teach a murderer we used to collect all the when we would go to my grandparents I'd get like frog spawn and you transfer that into like

a big thing of water but then there was always that horrible moment of like... Transition between tadpole and frog. Tadpole and frog. We're going to say a tadpole with arms. Oh, no, but the tadpoles... Get out of me! Get out of me!

The tadpoles... Will Crowe, I'm like... Just knife his head. What am I? Oh, no! I've got a scary dadpoles eat the ones that are more developed so like the frog doesn't escape out the water you've got to have basically land for the fully frogs to come out of because if they just stay in there because the tadpoles are quicker than the frogs

they'll just eat those and then yeah you're just doing some mad animal propaganda here about like penguins eat their friends eggs toads eat their neighbours I'm from fucking cocaine rat over here rats are junkies and junkies are rats

Apparently you're not allowed to say the word junkies anymore Do you know where junkie comes from? No Apparently Is that junk not the word for heroin? Is that the term we call any junk? No I think it was literally like They used to hang around the junkyards to sell scrap metal

Because there was just anything to get money to then put into their homes. Well, apparently it's derogatory now, so... Of course, think about all these words are derogatory. People are going to be coming out being like, you know the word idiot is derogatory now. That's why I'm using the word. I'm being derogatory. When did we grow beyond insulting some people that we don't like? I'm using the derogatory word

because I'm angry and emotion and I want to hurt this person's feeling why is this alien yes that's why I used idiot as an example mate

it's alright mate I just come to terms with it I'll use it with myself with other idiots I reclaimed it the fucking when it was

the news article that Baldi is like calling someone Baldy is sexual assault and I was just chuffed to fuck that I molested Colin

which one is it it's on a different panel so if you hit that one there it's not sexual Baldy it's not sexual assault it's sexual harassment

so I've no one had it come here Baldy I've got my. No, when I do it. Come here, Baldy! I've got my hand in the front of his trousers. At the urinal. Just tossing him off into the urinal.

Like, Baldy! Does the chrome match the dome? Oh dear. Slapping his head when you're about to come just because of this noise it makes I thought you just meant

like constantly recreate the sound that's it slapping his bald head I'm barely there spitting on it get a shine on see your own face

the word junkie's offensive I'll fucking bear it you know what I'll just be like one of them old mans that just refuse to grow and I'm just

casually saying junkie and to me I'm grand it's fine and everyone else I'm just like well he'll be dead

soon just let him go it's a small thing it's a different time back then because it would be a different

thing it's been acknowledged it's like they've got they've got an illness yeah like they're

they're sick I just make fun of them but well you know when you're talking to them and you're like obviously you're a recovering you're a recovering addict

and we're proud of you how far you've come that's when you're a recovering addict but if you're falling off the wagon and you've nicked 20 quid at my wallet

you're a fucking junkie you're a junkie bastard you're a fucking junkie you're a junkie bastard you're a rat junkie bastard isn't it weird this movie no go they're all

heroin junkies sort of end up with the same face oh yeah aye like they've just like put the whoo around

their mouth vacuum sealed their aye vacuum sealed their face I think Ghostbusters got a fright off one vacuum sealed their fate I think Ghostbusters got a fright of one

in a cave somewhere oh sorry mate you'll go back to normal are you ever getting the bags where you take the air out of your luggage is it just

like the life's literally drained out of them they don't eat wow that's that's appetite suppressant but then coke also suppresses that and they don't go as

gone there's got to be an extra soul sucking thing but I reckon like meth junkies look very different to heroin junkies well it's because they've not slept in 17 years that's like heroin I think you can sleep on like you pass out and you you come back in and it's just like floating it's a different stage of consciousness like meth is

i'm taking off this brain and i'll leave i'll find this later on i hope i hope i remember where i put this and let's go fucking batshit mental yeah because i was like oh i remember seeing like the meth junkies in Australia and like it was so different because our junkies are quite laid back they're just like alright

and you're like they're quite like mellow I'm trying to catch the bus aye all that whereas in Australia it was like give me your fucking wallet

and you're like woah that is a different it's like World War Z zombies like they can run this is worse way worse

aye have you seen the space cunts that are hanging around Manchester girls Jesus Christ I got one of their head tattoos

my god somebody doesn't like their music I'm kidding the space cunts aye you heard of the powerpuff cunts fighting crime don't they save the world in that Space cunts. I heard of the Powerpuff Cunts.

Fighting crime to save the world. Toxic, toxic, man. The Sugar Bastards. Aye, they're good, aye. The lads on space now, I only ever see them in Manchester but they're fucking just gone

they're stood up but they're like being like Michael Jackson dancewear they're just fucking gone the legal

the factory made artificial cannabinoid yeah so they're trying to fucking synthetically make weed even though

you can just grow weed and it's fine. It's a plant. It's natural. They're like, no, no, weed's illegal. So we've got to synthesise a way to make this give 13-year-olds aneurysms in the middle of the street. So do you reckon if you've got a game show idea, right,

you're laying up everybody and each person's on a different drug, do you reckon you could call it? I think so. Do you reckon you could call it? I think so do you reckon you could but I also think I can tell what team you support by looking at your face in Scotland

yeah I think so you think you can tell I reckon I could guess just between like Rangers and Celtic do you reckon you can look at someone and go

Potter, Thistle, that lad maybe not Potter, Thistle but I think I could do Hearts and Hibs and Edinburgh as well yeah I think so like a lot of times

I look at folk and I'm like yeah I've only ever failed once to my knowledge are you just looking for slightly gaminy forward i reckon you support celtic I just think the guilt of that everything that they do is a sin and that isn't omnipotent

God watching yeah everything I've done is a crime aye like I've often thought that for years I reckon I could tell

who you support I definitely used to when they were in primary school and I was in high school he's pointing to Glasgow everyone

when they point to my brothers when they were I primary school and I was in high school. He's pointing to Glasgow everyone. Point to my brothers. I would look at their school photos and I would try and guess which kids I'd be like that's a teen pregnancy that they're going to university dead at 24 and you know

triplets. Junkie. I think you can tell when a man's Dutch. Dutch man's got a very unique look, I think. Aye. And you can tell when a lass is a scouser. Aye. Oh, definitely. Dutch man, you just tell by the sound of their shoes.

Come in. Oh, fuck it, you've got wooden crocs. If I had the options of footwear what made them pick wood you also had the option of no footwear that would have been better

I don't know just every time I've kicked a tree in anger I was just like oh this all the time I think I'm getting a fucking flashback here

when me and Mark Nelson did a podcast we fucking we looked into clogs and it was something about like the workers I think it was like workers had them get fucking we looked into clogs and it was something about like the workers I think it was

like workers had them get up get up why clogs so they were like they were like

the they were like the first steel toe cap boots and stuff like that must have been aye and then when

they protested they fucking battled all the machinery and all that in with the clogs there you go 13th century

designed to protect factory workers yeah factory workers what were they making in factories in the 13th century clogs yeah what were they making in factories in the 13th century clocks

more clocks crocs is just like you can copy my homework but change it so it's a bit different in it because they look

exactly like a clog yeah but there's no protective element no there's holes in it yeah drop acid on your crocs or fuck I will never

even try on a croc in case I like it oh as somebody that has same reason I won't blow a man crocs are amazingly comfortable

are they oh yeah because everyone like they must be oh man they're the worst looking thing in the world but like we all when we were in Disney just because you're going from be oh man they're the worst looking thing in the world but like we all

when we were in Disney just because you're going from like hot so you're going from like wet to dry you're walking around all day you're wearing crocs

all day aye you're the whitest family in the world oh yeah absolutely 100% yeah with our

fucking white ice lollies just like fucking getting family photos crocs and socks magic kingdom that was us but they are comfy

I'm not allowed to wear them these fries are spicy it's chicken salt they're good but I don't know how you can draw

the line between Crocs and still wear a fucking fanny pack I'm not wearing a fanny pack no but you do though

oh right I have done I needed it's just a pack before you put on Daniel I had badges done I needed it's just a pack before you put on Daniel I had badges and change in it

oh no no there's definitely podcasts it was when we had the badges no you badges and change you're fucking

waltz's worker there you go we had team muggins and team cream badges oh yeah yeah it wasn't just no no you and me

have been on the podcast where you've been like they're just more I try to make it work and didn't right and I settled for the satchel

yes if you wear it across your chest now though that's like trendy isn't it well that's what I've been that's what I've been wearing but like because I like

want to keep all my valuables in one place. And then I found out when you lose one thing, you lose everything. I lost my valuables back, and I was like, oh, great, everything all in one place. I could have spread them around my body and just lost one thing. This was the most efficient way in the world to lose everything I had,

and also my new thing. I did it, did that. Great. I don't know what's wrong. Do people just not like using pockets as blokes everything I had and also my new thing aye did it did that great no I don't know what's wrong do people just not like using pockets as blokes because it doesn't look good

is that the pockets are excellent aye I think they're class do you know how good pockets are any time Laura gets like a dress or even trousers

with pockets in she's like pockets eh pockets I didn't realise lasses didn't normally get pockets

on anything no what didn't carry we've got nature's pocket right in the front keys phone charger lint roller and the rest

put a make up under the boobs aye chapstick in case you meet a chap I hear the guy coming back on now aye loads of stuff

how long have we been doing this for by the way not that I want to go it's only at 45 now yeah fuck right another 15

sorry mate nah it's alright just got stuff on nice day out there what have you got on tell our listeners who we've just played gotta go buy a desk.

Oh, aye? Yeah. For? My desk's too big, and we're going to move the computer into the living room for some reason. Yeah. I don't know.

Laura said she wants some drawers in there, in the spare room, and I went, and she was like, do you need two monitors? And I was like, that's standard now. You can't have one monitor.

That's crazy. I fucking hate being out and about on my laptop now without a second? And I was like, that's standard now. You can't have one monitor. That's crazy. I fucking hate being out and about on my laptop now without a second screen. It's fucking, it's game changer. And she doesn't, she's always like, you don't need the two. And I'm like, well, on this one, so the door's like there, like on the left of the room. And the first monitor's kind of facing the back of that there.

So I have the porn on there. I work on here. So when she walks in, I can go minimise, like, oh, I wasn't doing nothing. I was watching stuff here. And the second she leaves, the door shuts, you put porn back on

and you don't jerk off. You just sit there with your pipe, just watching. Well, I review the comments underneath. Admin? You're an admin on porn? Somebody's got it. Yeah, you got it.

I'm a moderator. Sometimes people say really uncouth things in those comments vigilante moderator

not paid for it but hey it's God's work someone has to do it that's a

very unkind comment she's actually a pretty woman down vote that's no longer

viewable to the public and oh you know what that is her name and

he's linked to other people to her other videos. It's very nice of him. Upvote that him. Is there... You're now on Pornhub. Go on, Pornhub. Matthew Garland Pornhub.

Just a second. Is there a share button next to the videos? Yeah, there is. No, no, it's fucking you, pretty fast. There's a cast button as well. Cast? Yeah. Wait, you can... Wait, hold on.

You can stream Pornhub? No. Cast a TV. Oh! I thought you meant like an IMDB. Who directed this? I saw that because I went to cast a porn, right? And then it was like, come up the big telly.

And I clicked on it and I was like, I haven't titled anything the big telly, but I do have neighbours. I've never had one casted so quick in my life. Or ever. But it was the quickest. God, that would be good to do if you could just

cast shit Oh somebody sent me a photo in the airport the other day it was like somebody was sending you a photo and it disappeared

before I got to fucking click accept but I thought I was getting airdropped That's one of the reasons I would like to go back to iPhone

just because I've heard about all this random airdropping I think it's great That was just a good way to just randomly send... Slip in somebody a note.

Slip in what? Somebody a note. Oh. Just, aye, drop it in there. But it's obviously a real close-up picture just of your butthole. I'll tell you about the guy on Twitter that sent me three photos of me when I went to see Alan Partridge. So he sent a picture of you in the crowd and then send it to them

that's very funny it's not funny at all it is when it doesn't happen to you right well it's very funny that I'm the third party in the story right well I went to see it

there was three other comics there and I'd seen it after the show the first one is me in the role back of my head and it said great and then the next one's me standing in the bar

in the interval like in the queue and I'm just standing like looking at my phone and it said great and then the next one's me standing in the bar in the interval like in the queue and i'm just standing like looking at my phone and he goes show and then the last one's me leaving the building it says tonight and i was like that's creepy as and so and i showed the other comics i was like this is creepy in it and they're like oh my god yeah but then after a bit they're like did you not know us god yeah but then after a bit they're like does he not know us

that's such a comics mentality very strange like you didn't get stalked and they're just like eh but like do you not know I've got a show as well what weird standards

those stalkers have it's not that I ever would stalk but if I were to stalk I wouldn't stalk who they stalk it's just a bit pathetic

Liam Withnail yeah but I was out the boss, I wouldn't stalk who they stalk, it's just a bit pathetic. Liam Withnail? Yeah, well, I was out the boss, Liam. I pulled her name at the end. Me,

Liam, Ciaran Cullen, actually. Aye, nobody knows. So two comics. That was like last night, me and Liam were doing a gig,

there was four of us in the car driving back to Glasgow and he made some jokes, he was like, oh, imagine the car crash and it was like,

the news next day, it was like, three comics die and I was like, which one of us lived? And he was like, no, I was implying one of us wasn't a comic. And I went, oh. That's what Nick Cody's dad, every time there's a picture

of a comic saying, he'll do like the amount of comics minus one, go, oh, me four favourite comics. It's a good bit. It's really good. It's good to do that. Because it definitely affects the mental health of people who slightly deserve to have their mental health fucked with like if that's

the sort of thing that throws you then maybe you deserve to be thrown who was it on your stag do that just let out a sign when

comics were exhausted Ali when we were in the bakers we weren't even doing anything we were just

having a laugh oh comics are exhausting sorry for bringing joy to the stack sorry can I keep up with the banter I mean it was definitely

bad banter to be fair comics are exhausting and when I say banter we're trying to have banter we have to try all the time it was in Greg's as well so it was definitely not good

I was like shall we get a donut maybe the icing's come oh god this is you can fuck the hole in it my Greg's

donut you have to make a hole I think yeah well but that's you know part of the fun so this sort of stuff

just put a yum yum down my dick so this sort of stuff and he was like oh comics results just put a yum yum down my dick flot away sweet enough shall we move on to we're going to do some dad jokes aren't we

that's what I was going to well no no before we do even though you're washing do you want people to come and help

wash the stank off the sterling gig this Friday in St Andrews St Andrews sold out you're washing do you want people to come and help wash this tank off the Sterling gig this Friday in St Andrews see that just sold out this is Monday's episode so anything that you've got from

Monday onwards please plug it if you're in Kilmarnock on the 29th and 30th then I'm doing previews there

I think you're doing one of them nah I'm going to Kendall alright fair enough well there you go Kendall calling if anyone's at Kendall calling alright fair enough well there you go Kendall calling if anyone's at

Kendall calling I'll be there there you go that's it and then the Fringe and then the Fringe festival

which is 5 o'clock at the stand every night that is yep and then you can just stay in your seat and watch Kai

aye I'll be on sweet and check out TG's in the pod oh there we go although that's on a break at the minute because

Gareth's doing a play and he needs to rehearse he needs to at the minute because Gareth's doing a play and he needs to rehearse he needs to rehearse his play what's he doing a play of it's Cue McAllister's new play

he's just been casting it because the original person dropped out so he's freaking out having to do this oh well if I know Gareth much he'll do a bad job

he's so lazy he's like I can't do the podcast I'm like how is this I'm rehearsing I'm like what like 10 hours a day and he's like well no like do the podcast I'm like how are you I'm rehearsing I'm like what like 10 hours a day and he's like

well no like 6 definitely an hour in the day free still but I'll let him do his thing values his time don't he he very much values his own time Gareth your dad's been putting

his contact lenses in the wrong eyes for years he's been putting them in your maps they're divorced so that's really out of order, actually. She was seeing other people.

Kai, your dad's lisp gets worse when he's horny. So much worse. He's dad. Is that a joke? Daniel, your dad thinks

Idris Elba couldn't be born because he's too old and Gary Lineker couldn't because he's too black Daniel your dad got baptised in boiling water Gareth your dad thinks felching is when you fart and belch at the same time and he tells everyone he felched at his own wedding

Kai your dad cries like nobody's watching And he tells everyone he felt's to his own wedding. Oh, Kai, your dad cries like nobody's watching. Gareth, your dad hype event late till he passes out when he sees tits. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, what are we going to do? Kai, your dad crushes the mug off his head when he's finished his green tea.

God, I'm so fucking relaxed. Jack, I was on the golf course with your dad and asked him what his handicap was and he took a swing at me. Thankfully, he missed because of his crutches. You just got jacked. It's also his dad. Same thing.

You were getting it next. You three. Your dad wears a suit for Zumba. Kai, your dad calls it wee because that's the noise he makes when it comes out Matthew your dad goes outside the pub to eat his candy cigarettes because he doesn't want to give anyone second hand cavities

on a similar note Gareth your dad has a middle tooth like Tom Cruise but he doesn't have the rest of his teeth like Tom Cruise Gareth your dad

was thrilled when he found out that you couldn't lick your elbow because it meant he could keep doing it someone has to aye it's a good story

Kai when your dad gets his wafer at church he boasts to the priest that he has no gag reflex. Don't do that. Pelican. What a laugh. I'd love to see a pelican just pop up like a little fish. Another bit of animal propaganda.

Bye.