Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Anonymous and Connected

Episode Date: March 23, 2022

The lads talk a lot about food, Joe Wicks and Hot Ones. Cream has been toxic on the Pelaton while Muggins has been party hopping. 

Good morning, afternoon, podcast, listener, fuckers, welcome to another episode of Sloth and Humphries on the Road where we are of course reunited and actually together in person doing it. We spoke about me being toxic on a peloton, because even though it's good for my mental health, you are what you are, and I'm not going to change, and if you can't handle me, I'm at worth, so you don't deserve me. My best in this podcast was one of our best, so why don't you tune in and enjoy now.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh.

Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Ah, muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? I've been watching Hot Ones. Oh, aye. Really fucking like it. The one where the celebrities go on and eat hot chicken wings aye

that get progressively hotter and some of them can handle it really well and some of them Paul Rudd my man Paul Rudd aye he just made us dead proud

I was like that's why I love you aye did he get all the way to the end didn't touch his milk didn't touch his milk didn't touch his milk

yeah he just started crying towards the end because his eyes were water and he didn't want to touch his eyes because he got fucking hot sauce in his eye aye he just started crying towards the end because his eyes were watering he didn't want to touch his eyes because he got fucking hot sauce in his eye

he just went let's do a scene and the guy what's his name Sean Sean Chicken Wings Sean Chicken Wings he had let's do a scene

and he just broke into the scene it's chemistry that like wish I had that with Daniel oh my god well maybe

we're just missing spicy foods Do you reckon you could Eat spicier food than me? You know what I was watching it I think I think I'd get up to four Before I started flinching

And then I think I'd be a fucking clip By the end of it Aye Aye Because they do ten different Like levels of spices Don't they?

See I used to be An absolute spice wuss Aye Like just was very much Like checking Cormorant You're a Cormorant Well hey hey hey Look I still Even though I like spicy foods now I used to be an absolute spice wuss like just was very much like chicken korma you're a korma nonce well hey hey hey look I still

even though I like spicy foods now I love a korma and I think all this bigotry towards korma look I'm not I'm not claiming it's traditional Indian food that's not what I'm saying

I'm not saying oh god the taste of India I know if I was to order it out there they would fucking slap me but I'm not ordering it there I'm ordering it

in the middle of Edinburgh because I am a middle-class white man and it's nice and it goes well with Nan and I think all of this, quite frankly, homophobia

towards, like, God. I mean, I didn't say what gender you were noncing on when I called you a fucking coma nonce.

But you don't like curry. You like chicken soup. What you want is it you went to an Indian and went what's the best way I could order Baxter's chicken soup

and get away with it it's delicious and look I'll also I like a I like a I like a I'll tell you

but sometimes you just you know you can't be you don't you don't want to put your arsehole through it the next day

you know you make a decision for your body you're in a you're in a curry be you don't want to put your arsehole through it the next day you know you make a decision for your body you're in a curry house and don't want to curry is what's happening but I'm not ordering in curry houses

I'm not going to their establishment and disrespecting them I'm not going oi go to your kitchen where you cook real fucking food

and make me the worst version of what that's not what I'm doing right I'm going oi look

I'm going gonna eat this in the privacy of my own home like you don't have to acknowledge you made it i'm not gonna acknowledge that i'm eating it cullen's still a bigot about the whole thing every day every time i order it cullen's like man the guy slapped me like i've just woken up i opened the door i took it and the guy punched me in the face and he went never order a Cormac again especially for breakfast you say in the morning oh you woke Cullen up

aye well into the afternoon well yes aye sorry I didn't think of the variables aye yeah like Cormac

it's like I've been for all you can eat buffet with my friends before and one of them come back to the table with smiley faces from the Chinese and I'm like

I don't even know where you found them where do you get smiley faces and why are you I'm like I don't even know where you found them where do you get smiley faces and why are you eating here you don't want to eat here I thought the fried potato

they did here would be dumplings how have you got fish fingers and you've put it on a white bread oh not a not a fucking

fish finger sandwich Jesus Christ how have you got waffles yeah mayo I bet there's somebody out there that does.

Ask for mayo at the Chinese. No, no, no. Like this is their favourite fucking meal is a bit of white bread, butter, fish fingers, mayo, bit of butter, bread. That's like, it can't be a favourite meal when it's like stable. But it would be,

like that would be the food that like black people make fun of us for. Like that's, like man, I reckon if we go deep into black podcasts, they people make fun of us for like that's like man i reckon if we go to like deep into black podcasts they're making fun of people for like we're gonna be brought on a podcast as an example of like this is them talking about one of their favorite foods that's like it's a bland ass it's the type of food where your mark calls you in for dinner because yeah you're playing football and you didn't want the game to end so you remember

the score you're going two minutes lads I'll be back in two minutes and also when you come back out some can't change the fucking score because they think you've got a shite memory don't think

I don't know what you're up to and you've been sitting on the ball and you've egged it you're going to play with a fucking egged ball now

am I with the wrong score just because I went in so you're going in and then you've got your fish finger sandwiches you're like I can just

I can play football with that cheers man I love you I can play football With that Cheers man I love you Aye Aye Yeah I'm even in goals

I reckon I'll be fine Just jump up in there Catch it with my knees Aye Just fucking grab it Now it's finally With that sandwich

I mean Understand I'm not making fun of Like fish finger sandwich If that's your favourite If you like that as a sandwich That's fair enough The mayo makes you

A bad Bad person I had a Crisp sandwich last night Did you Aye I can't remember If you like that as a sandwich, that's fair enough. The mayo makes you a bad, bad person. I had a crisp sandwich last night. Did you? I can't remember who'd mentioned it, but I think it was on every fucking trashy reality TV show I was watching and somebody had a crisp sandwich. I was like, oh, those are class, though. They ironically opened a crisp sandwich shop in Belfast.

I was out there doing gigs and me and Aaron McCann, shout out to Aaron McCann, we went to the crisp sandwich shop and it was fucking overpriced crisp but he's right and they've done it as like a I think they've done it as like a piss take of hipster places popping up like cereal bars and all that right they only popped up for a while and that it it fucking survived on ironing alone and it was full it was like not ironing alone also it was set up in Belfast it'd become the thing

it hated it'd become the thing it was set to take the piss out of did it? are there

hipsters in Belfast? this is what I believe happened anyway they might have just made it earnestly

knowing that people would have shown up speaking of Belfast that might be Michelin star in Belfast

is that what you're saying? aye no no I'm just saying there's no fucking People will go there In the same sense that

Fucking tradies will go to Like a good Greasy fucking spoons Like fucking Roseburn Down back Where we used to fucking Know exactly what it was

Was one of the best Fucking restaurants I've ever been to Nobody Of like a certain Nobody's wilting spinach Nobody's trying to Fucking scoop out an avocado

Nah They're just there Making fucking Big full Scottishes Big full Englishes Aye No no They can scramble them They do that is trying to fucking scoop out an avocado nah they're just there making fucking big full scotches big full ingleses aye no no they can scramble them

they do they're not poaching it they're not poaching aye they're not poaching it they're poached egg and everyone there has just got a fucking

arse cracker the salmon hasn't seen that kitchen aye that's like you know you know when you watch the cooking shows

on Netflix and it's always like they'll go to like what's the traditional food of Thailand what's the traditional I'm like to get into the you know the traditional food of Thailand What's the traditional I'm like To get into the

You know the traditional food of Here Is Great Britain Aye Or the island of Scotland No Well

Aye People always say That Scotland Is like Britain's got Bad fucking food And you go No no no Like our food is

All the other people's food Like we've We admitted that we weren't The best of it And some Hey steak pie's class, so fucking watch your manners and hang it,

it's brilliant. Fucking, they didn't have pies in Ireland? Eh? Colin was like, I was like, we're just going for some, we'd had a heavy night out

after the show, I was like, I'll dig fucking pie and chips in. I'm not feeling particularly healthy. He's like, you're not going to get a pie around here. I was like, you're tired of it,

you're not going to get a pie around here. He's like, anywhere in Europe, just the UK, is the only place you can get a pie. pie He's like Anywhere in Europe Just the UK Is the only place You can get a pie And I'm like Shut the fuck up

Is pie A local delicacy For a small island Fuck off Like He's got a point Have you had a pie In mainland Europe

No The only other place I can think of Is Australia And that's obviously You know We did that One of the colonies

So I just I can't mind And that's obviously, you know, we did that. One of the colonies. So, I just, I kind of mind ever having like pie and chips. Like a mince pie in America, maybe. Pork pie, nothing. I kind of think, like my mind's blank. I don't think I've seen it on the menu. But it might just be Cullen. You know how sometimes Cullen just like hasn't heard of bunting.

Oh, I never heard of the moon. What's that? What's that? What's that black sun that comes out? It's the back of the sun. Obviously, we'll rotate around the sun. What do you think the back of it looks like? It makes fucking perfect sense.

Half the day, you're at the front of it. The other half of it is the back of it. Do they have the moon in Ireland or do you all just fucking howl at it? You savages. So you hadn't heard of Bunton? Aye. No, I want you to answer my other question. Who do you think would win a fucking spice challenge between you and me?

Oh, you know what, Ray? I think you'd have a better time tolerance-wise. I think I'd have a better time just having the balls-wise. I think I could go higher past my threshold of what was what was like harmful to what you could you would get up to a harmful threshold

and then probably stop like one level one Scoville one Scoville over that right one Scoville's not a lot like when they talk about the Scoville's it's 300 million Scoville over that, right? No, one Scoville's not a lot. Like, when they talk about the Scoville's, it's 300 million, aye. It's like the ruble. Zimbabwean dollars.

Yeah, I think, like, if we were talk to talk on Hot Ones, I think I... I would probably both reach the end, maybe. I don't know. Because, like, especially cameras rolling, you're not going to pursue, are you? No, I've got no problem looking like a fucking... rolling, you're not going to, you're not going to puss out, are you? Wait, no, I'm not,

I've got no problem looking like a fucking, I know what I am. I've got no, I look, I've publicly defended eating korma. Had on,

had on, had on. Would you puss out on hot ones? If it got to the, exactly what you said, if it got to the point where I was like,

this is, I'm in physical fucking pain. Don't go on at them. No, no, no. You go on it, like,

you're not going to gann on and just say, I'll push myself, I'll push myself. You're not going to gann on and just I'll push myself You're not gonna gan on And just let them down And do like an Eight minute interview Fuck you

Fuck you and going on First of all I can talk about myself For way longer than that There'll be You know There'll be in between things I get

I mean If they did like 15 I'd say I would I'd definitely I would push myself To get to 12 or 13 But like the final two I'd be like

man it's not mind you I say that as if I'm not a competitive person I am fucking toxic on the peloton ah yes you are I am a toxic my heart actually bled for you

the other day when you told us about your moral quandary. Oh, aye. About to keep on with your Peloton. Tell it. Oh, well, just so, you know, I've got the Peloton because things are going well and I'm trying to get back into shape

because my metabolism is fucking dead. But unfortunately what happens in my life now is if you spend 30 or 45 minutes on a fucking Peloton, you sweat so much that there's no way you can convince your brain that you don't deserve to eat whatever you eat for the rest, whatever you want to eat for the rest of the fucking day. Even though you can't outrun a bad diet.

You can keep them all the way from the gate. You can stop the damage. But it looks like you can. Like, the amount I fucking, like, I can't do it with a shirt on. Like, I just, like, drip sweat. Like, you need to mop it up. I'm like, that, just in pints, is two pints. So, like, I can have two pints quite easily and not feel fucking bad i mean there's no evidence to suggest

this is true physically by the way anyway if you're eating easter eggs for like breakfast anyway so originally i was just on the peloton just to get back into shape but but i can't help if i can look at the scoreboard um and and push push myself beyond my personal best and last Wednesday I was doing 45 minutes and I was going fucking hell for leather I was just like fuck it absolutely let's just find out like what my absolute fucking limits are as a person. On a live one?

Not live live but like. But you joined the playback at a specified time so that everybody started together. Yes there are like 545 people on it i think it was right and uh i'm about to like fucking like oh no no it wasn't 545 it was about out of a 130 545 was a different one 130 which isn't that fucking many but it's a very small race right but you know if he's lined up on bikes At the starting line It would still be like a lot of bikes Aye I'm going well beyond my

PB And at literally 45 seconds from the end Cara phones me Because She's been breastfeeding And somebody's come to the door And it's the gate guy

And he needs He needs to speak to me And she Obviously she can't do it While she's breastfeeding I'm going to Cal It must have been

More than 45 seconds Because he wouldn't have stopped it must have been like three minutes it had to be the amount of time that like the gate guy would walk away

if it didn't get answered 45 seconds you could probably just go right I'm coming I'm on my way like you could you could probably

but I don't but it wasn't but it was also man it was definitely like under five like it wasn't like it was like I'm in the last fucking throws

these are as much as my legs have left so I'm going to say like fucking three minutes but man she's breastfeeding like she's not going to stand and fucking talk

to a guy and also you know I hate I hate keeping people waiting as well so I had to fucking leave and lose my best time

I hate that that's not even the fucking toxic bit though right so there's an option and it's only toxic because how I use it by the way.

Peloton is great. There's an option when you're cycling and you're with other people like you can high five people. It's the only form of interaction you can

do. Like if somebody gets a hundred rides it lets you know hey this person's it's their hundredth ride today and you go oh well

done you high five and it just comes on their screen you go high five. If it's like their birthday like the anniversary of when they got the

fucking Peloton. Do you troll people and just high five people that are's like their birthday, like the anniversary of when they got the fucking belt. Do you troll people? Do you just high five people that are at the back? No, no, no, no, no. But they would just say that as encouragement. Every, yeah, they would. Yeah, they would. Every time I overtake somebody on the live scoreboards, just, it's not a high five, I'm patting your arse. You're high fiving them as you pass them.

I'm patting your arse in the way, like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm just like, every single time I high five someone I'm just like hurry up it also makes it look like you're doing it with ease too because they'll be like knuckled down like white knuckle just fucking got at it

and you're just like they just imagine you just sat up straight just twiddling with a touch screen yeah give me a finger just right off oh it's so good

but to be fair like I was telling Karen this the other day and I'm like I'd do it with vengeance I'd do it with fucking clay in my face like there's a camera on the pel day and I'm like I'd do it with vengeance I'd do it with fucking clay in my face like there's a camera

on the peloton I don't know what it's for I've never I've never seen my own face on the fucking screen but like above the screen there's that little hole where the camera is

and if there was a feature which you could fucking pay to like put your face on the other person's screen every time you overtook them I would be a platinum fucking member just some little old lady enjoying her rehabilitation from her knee that went out

last year she's not trying to be any personal bad she's just recovery you fucking slow bitch catch up grandma five seconds I would pay for that feature ten quid a week or every time you used it like what used to happen on Call of Duty where you just get like

five seconds of the person's audio that you just murdered aye so you just forget to hear them screaming I don't think they do that anymore do they

no the only place they do that is with real murders you get to hear the last five seconds of them screaming and then it stops it stops if it doesn't it's not a murder

you failed you're bad why did it stop? em I had my first night full solo with on the peloton

you've been doing it you on one side Colin on the other just like one of the old mining carts oh man it's very it's also very the other. Just like one of the old mining carts. Oh man, it's very,

it's also very funny how different me come and treat the peloton. Like, just the competitive fucking nature within me, right, I just can't, no, it's just gone off my, I don't know if it's because like I'm reaching, I'm like,

I'm in my thirties, or whether it's because like I've put on so much weight, where I'm just like, I don't want to get into, I don't know what it is, or whether I'm just a toxic fucking person and I'm like this is the only place

I can get it out but like I'm being fucking vicious on that Colin comes out on this thing just for like the Hawaii rides just as a casual it's like

somebody's literally put a GoPro on their head they've cycled around on island I've seen the one Hawaii and then it just goes okay you're going up

a slight incline now maybe turn it up to 13 and Colin's like ooh sore on the knees slight incline now Maybe turn it up to Thirteen And Colin's like Ooh Sore on the knees Okay I guess we'll turn it up a bit

I guess it's a One degree hill Fair enough Colin comes in And he just puts a basket On the front And puts groceries in And that

Couple of baguettes A little baby seat For Caleb He comes out He's wearing high vests He comes in And he's wearing high vests. He comes out, he pops his stabilisers on the side. Little bell, ding, ding.

Some little tassels coming off the thing. Meanwhile, I'm on there overtaking people who were just trying to do a positive thing in their life. And I'm like, you slow cut. But they don't know't know i don't think they know i think everyone else is a i like to believe that the world is such a nicer place than me that they are just like oh how supportive like that's a guy that's you know going back because i mean that's where you should be like if you if you're exercising at any point in your day well done you it should always be encouraged and that's why I wouldn't do this in a gym nah you wouldn't do cycling around the park

at the Ganron Victoria Park no no too much commuting to work and you're like fucking dickhead but that's the thing there's something about this is why I think the internet should just now be illegal

because there is just this level of toxicity that comes out of me. And I think I'm quite a good person most of the time. But if I'm given anonymity, I'll be a fucking cunt. Connected but anonymous should be illegal. Yes, 100%. Like, unless it's something you specifically fucking pay for on both parts, you should never just be allowed to interact with someone like

because that would be fucking back in the day like if you like back in the day if you wanted to be racist to a stranger right you had to like get the

Australian phone book right you got it from a friend of a friend of a friend didn't you used to do that go through the phone book I did when I was

younger you had to find out where your friends were to phone them every Saturday morning can Craig come out and play you know he's sleeping at 7am I had some c people. I did when I was younger. You had to find out where your friends were to phone them every Saturday morning and Craig come out and play and we'd sleep at 7am. I called some cunt

by the nickname when I rang the house and I was like, is Beaver in? And that mother kicked off with us. Beaver, I give him a good name,

his name's Clive and his teeth are his dad's. Oh man, you go through the Australian fucking phone book. You should put the phone down and continue to build a dam. Some fucking people, I swear to god

If you want to be big into Australia You go through that fucking Australian phone book You find a name that sounded foreign And you were like that sounds like Somebody who belongs to the group of people I hate You phone that number Hope they answer for a very extortion free And then you yell something racist on the phone

Nowadays you can just do it online And nobody knows who you are just yell at any minority anywhere in the world for free how is that not illegal and restricted uh it's not on it's not on it'll go it'll need to go but you want more of it on your pillow no no no because i can feel like it's when people go oh why are people horrible online i'm like don't me wrong, I'd never go as far as these people do, but I'm not going to pretend I don't know where it comes from. Like, I'm not going to pretend I'm so pure that I'm like, well, why would these people do this? I'm like, because you gave them invisibility.

You gave them an invisibility cloak. And we all know what we'd actually do with an invisibility cloak. Fuck you. And not necessarily the power of your things, but we would not, every single one of us, would break the fucking law instantly. And I think if you wouldn't, oh, Jesus dweeb. So it's like when you see somebody doing something like that,

you're not like, oh, why did you do that? You're like, I can't believe you did that. Like, we all had the idea. I could have done that, but I didn't because I'm not a psycho. I wanted to do I heard the voice in my head yeah look right it's the difference between

whenever I hear like a paedophile was found with 17 terabytes of porn I'm like how the fuck could you do that like I literally can't fathom why you did that but when they're like

somebody stole this amount of money from a bank I'm like oh yeah okay like I understand why that took place yeah we've got past the why yeah yeah oh no

not the bank no no no they stole I understand why that took place. We've got past the why. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, not the bank. Oh, no. They stole all these innocent people's monies. No, they didn't. They stole the bank's money. It's the bank's job to... They were already stealing it. Yeah, fuck them.

Like, I don't care. It was like when fucking Xbox Live came out. I was the most toxic man. Thank God none of that was recorded, because I would rightfully... Surprise, Daniel. There's a reason we're was the most toxic man. Thank God none of that was recorded because I would rightfully... Surprise, Daniel. There's a reason we're here. Oh, man. Imagine I just wheeled out an old recording for you. Thank God people could only get

fucking cancelled from their old Twitter accounts back before we knew what Twitter would become. Thank God there's no, like, here's a recording of every Xbox because my life would be over. I'd have to throw myself off of a fucking... I was 13 and angry and I had free reign to tell Americans anything I wanted that I thought about them

with zero consequences. I'm fucking so happy my hot-headed spell as a human wasn't recorded. Right? I'm going through puberty. Like I've not fully discovered masturbation yet. I'm angry, I'm angsty, I'm going through growing pains

and I'm just, you fat fucking cunt. I'm angry. I'm angsty. I'm going through groan brains. And I'm just, you fat fucking cunt. I hate the world. Everyone's my punch bag. Yeah, yeah. Just, and I've not been punched before. I'm 13. There's no consequences to my words yet. What you're saying now is the person that felt the repercussions of those actions?

Yeah, yeah. Or developed empathy. I've had checks and balances. Yeah, yeah. And dished out a few. I think we need to get rid of the, I don't know, but leave me my,

you've got to leave some of it somewhere. And I think the, because the Peloton toxicity is anonymous toxicity, but it can be, only I know that it's evil. You're channeling it. Aye.

And then you're going out into the world and you're just like, oh, that fucking South Park where Kenny Kyle's dad is online just bashing people yeah he's so happy

it's just affecting his mental health so good he's like walking just like everyone's like the loser but he's so fucking sad and all that and I was like

making my way downtown hi so I had my first night with my son the other day because I had my first night with my son the other day Cara had a Hindu

so it was just me and just the baby for she was going at well she left like seven and she was like I could be back anywhere between like

two right and I was like stay out as long as you can stay as long as you want enjoy enjoy your fucking freedom I've got this

I'm very good at this. And I think deep down, she wanted me to have a bit of a rough time. Not like him kicking down the fucking house. Not my baby distressed. She would never want her baby to be distressed. Not that. But she wanted him to not be...

It'd take a while to get him down. Like he's just awake all the time because you know that's how most of her existence because she's breastfeeding there's so much of a day

where she just has to be sitting down and feeding this child and there's nothing she can do about it whereas I'm like I can burp him and I can fucking

put him to sleep but there's some points where it's just your job this was a night where that wasn't going to be an option well obviously he's got all the milk

I had to fucking wake him up he fell asleep five minutes after she fucking left and then literally like three hours later it's just that point

where as a parent you're like was he just like opening one eye and sort of just you and pretend to be asleep like fuck man

I'm stuck with this cunt well man I tell you what the cat didn't fuck off whenever whenever a cat is in the house fucking rail go in the garden,

go look around, go do whatever she wants, fucking roll the roost. When I was there, Ray was just like, I'm going to, I'm, I'm, wait, what do you mean? She's gone. She's left the baby with you. Like every room I moved Cailin to was... Ray's there like, now I'm the primary carer. Well, to be fair

she could have given us a fucking heads up to be in Ray's defence the first time she realised was when Cullen wasn't back yet and I was just through

playing Horizon Zero Dawn with Caleb just in his little and she came through and was like oh so you're not taking this seriously at all

so there the entire time you know because I've been organising your stag doing stuff and then... Oh, I've got something to tell you

about that as well. Off record? No, no, I can do it on the record. I got a text yesterday from someone saying,

hey man, thanks for the invite to the stag. Oh, fuck off. What's wrong with people, man? The fuck's wrong with people man the fuck is wrong with people yeah oh my god you know what i felt like saying it but i'm just like well everybody knows right like i felt like going like keeping because i mean the fuck's wrong i'm gonna have to be more

explicit with people let me tell you and I already wrote quite a long message with some information right I was trying to make it concise aye right and I was trying not to make it too long

because anybody wants it too long didn't read text they're probably busy with a date there might be a graft right yeah

so I tried to just this is the information you need for now lock this date out whatever I didn't I didn't think I needed to fucking put a T's

and C's in the small font at the bottom well let me tell you getting the text with this person which is the man like I know I didn't think I needed to fucking put a T's and C's in the small font at the bottom. Well, let me tell you, getting the text from this person, which, man, like I know, I think I know 90% of the people who are coming to my stack do anyway.

There's just the very, very obvious ones. But this woman is like finding out that your first Christmas present is her hand grenade. You're going to text off something? Aye. He was like a surprise because the second

you find out you're going to Vegas for sopping you're like well I might not come back and laugh fuck man that was one of my

nice things because this is the thing right you've got like there's a handful of people where if they weren't there you would be like

what they didn't make it and all that but there's a handful of people where you'd go oh sweet this person is also here nice re-ed it and all that, right? But there's a handful of people where you'd go, oh, sweet. This person is also here.

Nice re-edition and all that, right? Like fucking Bruce's bonus. And Sopit was not one of them. Sopit's a curveball from the left. That was me fucking acing the hole. That like,

now I'm going to have to invite Milan. I was telling Kat, I was like, five years ago, if Kat, like, if Kat invited Sopit to my stag do, I never would have spoken to Kat again I was telling Guy I was like five years ago if Guy if Guy

invited Sob into my stag do I never would have spoken to Guy again and I wouldn't have come back from Vegas probably whereas now I'm like

oh no I was like genuinely chuffed I'm like don't get me wrong I'm still doomed I'm still going to be in a bit of fucking danger

but it's no longer the man that used to drink pints of rosé wine. Out the box. Oh, God. Out the box. You were drinking the fucking little formalin box. No, no.

He would pour literally pints of rosé wine into pint glasses and would go pint for pint with you with whatever you were drinking. If you were drinking Carlsberg, if you were drinking fucking Koppenberg. He was like, I'll go pint for pint with you. And he put you to fucking sleep. Oh. And now he's calmed down a bit. A lot.

Aye. Can he bet? Aye. And he's, I thought I'd bring him into retirement. Man, really, I imagine that is what happened.

Like, it's just one of those fucking scenes where it's like, he's off in the woods. Like, he's just like, he's like carving something into wood. And he's just like Carving something into wood And he's just like I've not done this in a very long time

You knew I quit and you knew I quit for a reason You've got to come back Zappit It's lost its tag I've not seen any of the Rambo movies I think we've had this We've had a conversation similar to this before On a different topic We've had a few conversations

So I've got to get back through Because I didn't want to start a WhatsApp group yet Before on a different topic But aye We've had a few conversations That we're going to repeat Aye So aye I've got to get back through Because I didn't want to start A WhatsApp group yet Until like You know

When it's the fucking Save the date phase And that But it looks like I'm going to have to Because people are thick Well Your mates are thick

Did you reply to them? Aye I think When you touted I think I said Looking forward to seeing you, man. Just remember I have a family now, so a couple of theatre shows,

a nice walk down the strip and a whiskey before bed. He's already started making plans with him. I heard your last one, we'll call it a Valerie. We've named it a Valerie because Natalie's alter ego is Valerie and Valerie just can't

keep her fucking mouth shut like if there's a hen party coming up right she'll just be like she'll say look next to a friend on a night out and they build up

with a hen party and are you looking forward to going to the sofa friends and they're like when am I going to the sofa friends and she's like erm you know

I was just thinking that's where I thought you were going with the kids and like trying to stay loose and like, that's where I'm going for my hen party, isn't it? So,

she's like, Valerie's turned up like multiple times. She won't aim fucking the player to prank on, I'm not, long story short, she took a video

of her friend doing a prank phone call and sent it to the group of the person that the prank was meant to be on and just blew the prank. She's done something like that, right? Valerie, it's Valerie, does it?

So Sopper did a Valerie. Your last did a Valerie. Oh, with her friends. Has that happened already? Yes. So she, I didn't want to do a Valerie on, yeah. Your friend was about to get proposed to. Yes, Cara's best friend was getting proposed to

And like I Her best friend who I, before I proposed to Cara This is the friend I got in contact with And like gave me her ring size And helped me with all the things And so her boyfriend did the exact same thing to Cara Hey bottom bitch So she did the exact same thing to Cara

Didn't Cara show Jill a message that you had? Mm-hmm. Because the top half of the message was interesting to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the second half of the message was, has Jill been proposed to yet? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was like, we should remember being like, does Jill have any idea? Is she still living in a world where she doesn't know she's being proposed to? And so Cara, just like she didn't know it at the time. It was her first night out drinking. She wasn't fucking drunk by any means. But you know, you don't read the top message.

You just show them the bottom one. Jill, like, politely puts the phone back in a very, like, hey, Cara's like, no, read the whole message. And she's like, no, it's good. Cara comes back, wakes up the next day, like, mortified, being like, oh, God, I've ruined everything. But she goes ahead. She gets proposed to.

They said yes. Congratulations to both. And Cara, like, took it to the side. She was like, I have to know, like, did, did you see the message last night?

And she was like, yeah, but also he's not subtle or like I've known for months. He's going to fucking propose. Like this morning he went and did a food shop that lasted two hours and came back with two bottles of champagne. Like I'm not an idiot he is like and he's been very nervous all day like we timed a walk together why would we time a walk so yeah and also like jill's just like grab was like there's nothing you can hide from her She was Even if

Even if fucking like So So it's like Jill was like You give me the last 3% of a puzzle But like You know

I'd work to all out Unlike me Aye It's hard to Like if If somebody Like takes control Of situations and shit

It's hard to propose To those guys Aye It's like It's like that time that I accidentally organised my own... Birthday, yeah. We started lighting the candles on your birthday cake and you grabbed the birthday cake, carried it through,

started the singing, happy birthday. And people are like following you through and joining in, going, who does he think this is for? I thought it was for Biebs. It was his leave-and-do. I know, but it also... It was his leave-and-do. It was his leave-and-do i know but it also it was his leave-and-do yes and that's why i was confused but it also wasn't my birthday the reason

it was my birthday cake was because on my actual birthday two weeks before i bought myself a birthday cake and i'd said to gene and ali at some point during the night bring me this cake i've just organized everything we'll have some birthday cake and then like the next day woke up and people had just like obviously man we were drunk we were stoned people had just gone into the fridge to get their beer

seen a birthday cake and went oh fuck yeah absolutely yum yum yum right reasonable but I was fucking hungover and I needed to be angry about something so I was upset about that so they organised the birthday cake

for that party and then tried to keep me in the living room and I was trying to keep... Oh no, that was it. I'd walk through to the kitchen and Jim and Ali were lighting the birthday cakes and just blood drains from their face because they're like...

Oh yeah, they were rumbled. And my dumb stoned ass goes, is that for this? Oh no, wait guys, I've got this. I'm the master of organising stuff. I want to take all the credit. No, no. I mean, that've got this I'm the master Of organising stuff I want to take all the credit No no I mean that is me And I'm that chef

This is going to look Like my idea Yeah No no no Just and also You'll all do it wrong I'm sorry I'm just very good

Also you do If you fail to organise My birthday cake Two weeks ago There's no way You'll nail beeps As one now But I go to them

And I'm like Do you need me To keep beeps In the living room And they're like Sure Okay Biebs is what now But I go to them I'm like Do you need me to keep Biebs in the living room And they're like Sure Okay Biebs has been given

The same directions So instructions Sorry So I go to the living room So you keep Rachel In the living room Yes Biebs is like

What are we By the way He was doing a terrible job At it But it was the bit Where you got to the name Happy birthday to you And then you were about to say Biebs

And we all went Daniel Oh penny drops Back to proposals It also happened with my I think another surprise party for myself Is I'd organised I'd organised everyone to come to my house

For eight but I'd agreed to go like gene had organized for a bunch of other people to come up and set the room up nice and get everything fucking ready and be more people than i expected it to be and i'd got she invited me down to her work and the reason she went to her work is because she wanted me at the fucking house right and it was under the guise of oh we'll go to your favorite restaurant we'll go to fisher's i was like we can do the weekend she's like no we'll go to your favourite restaurant, we'll go to Fisher's. I was like, we can do it at the weekend. She's like, no, no. Gets me to the pub and just tries her best to get me fucking mangled because it's the only way I'll stop

looking at my phone and being like, we've got to get back. People are going to arrive at eight. You've got ants in your pants sometimes. Man, you know I'm a time Nazi. I'm a real big time Nazi. It's important to be on time and it's important to explain to people

why you're late and it's important to explain to people why you're late and it's important to organise your day so that you are punctual. Drink up so you can get to the next place. Look, we've got a lot of fun to have. We might as well have it in the shortest amount of time. Condensed fun.

And then we get to go home and get a good eight hour sleep. When we're talking about proposals, I want to tell you about Kat Kat and Woodsy Kat who I lived with in London Natalie's best friend getting married

to her boyfriend who I don't know what marriage is and I was just filling everybody else in for the slower listener I get it Natalie tells us

I fucking over explain stuff all the time and since she tells I keep catching me selling I hate it I fucking keep catching me selling I fucking hate it I'm like oh the reason i the way i process my thoughts is just throw them all out oh no i also think it's a fucking stand-up thing because i often catch myself over explaining

things but i think it's when you're and look and i'm sorry to throw a massive excuse over this that just covers me and my best friend here but when you perform internationally you don't want to leave anyone behind you know like there's there's to leave anyone behind there's gaps in the language, there's gaps in understanding tons of phrases and stuff I'll say stuff multiple ways of saying it so you'll catch one of them because if you're performing to a Lithuanian audience who might not know what a fortnight is

so you'll go a fortnight, two weeks but you still do that in your everyday life and you're just explaining really obvious things to people that are smarter than you and they're looking at you like does this cunt think he's smarter than me?

Does he think I needed that explained? I had Andy Askins he was telling us about this bad corporate gig that he did in that game did he get compensated for it at least?

Was it worth it for the money? And he was like I know what compensated means I thought you were my friend. A friend's someone you like a lot. That's cracking banter. It's very cracking.

Nah, I killed it. Feel bad and laugh at the same time. Woodsy, who's way shorter than Kat took her out to stay on hold and got down on one knee She stepped over him Woodsy with her She's just looking up and there's just a ring coming out of the water

like it's been presented by Poseidon and just these bubbles She's grabbing his bald head Bald head she's she's grabbing his bald head bald head suntan lotioned up trying to get him above the water to propose

this isn't how I imagined it very funny funny times your weddings start to I was going to weddings start to I was going to say start to approach I feel like it's

swift approaching because like what it feels like we're out the other side of the pandemic now still over a year away still over a year away but I feel like

the fucking the balls probably started rolling on everybody's weddings now you know all these like speculated weddings that just seem to be like

I've proposed I'm engaged and you're like congratulations here's a balloon and then we're like oh shit it's weddings now you know all these like speculated weddings that just seem to be like I've proposed I'm engaged and you're like congratulations he has a balloon and then we're like oh shit it's happening now the fucking party's done

it was the first day of a hundred day diet where it's like it only exists in concepts aye and then like a few weeks in you're like notes and gains

aye now I've got a because fucking can't ask this can't ask this to be best man by text and I reply to him going you're not your second wedding Because fucking Can't ask this Can't ask this to be Best man By text And I replied

I'm going You're not your second Wedding when you're texting Like I mean I've already got 2027 in for your Third one And then

And then I was with Matty Which we'll talk about this Because we went to the match And Matty Had a bite to eat With which match Sorry

Pincer Right it was Pincer Yeah oh right But that doesn't What match Oh which match I thought you said which Matt No

Can you see how that was confusing Well yeah But except We don't call him Matt I went to Man United Versus that Let it go Madrid In the Champions League

Because he He lasted as a Man U fan and had tickets and just couldn't get on. So he was like, do you want to come? I was like, yep, I will.

Went for a meal and then he gans to his hair. He's like, do you know who's best man for Cannes? I was like, aye, aye. He's asked me in Garvin and all that. He was like,

can you be asked to do your three names? I was like, are you asking me out? He was like, I'm just checking availability. And then I was like, hey like I wouldn't let you do it mate I've got time on my hands

I'm working a lot less at the minute I wouldn't short change you if I was your best man I'd be honoured is what I'm saying and then his last come in and caught wind

of the way the conversation was taking place and she was like is this how you're asking him asking if he can be asked

and I still don't know if I am that's what the conversation was like is this how you're asking him? But he's asking if he can be host. And I still don't know if I am. That's what the conversation was like. I was being put on a short list. It's just like, just checking your availability for June, May, June, May. That's when my wedding is next year. So his is back in June.

So I think I'm like Fruit Aims best man so this is fucking classic I could just get organised a bunch of fun shit I was genuinely about to say I don't think I've ever done it I have done it

I've done it You've done it for me? Aye I did Aye Short memory I really do have a short fucking memory

So then in way of celebration of making the short list after the game we're like we're going to get stuck in match day traffic getting a taxi let's. So then, in way of celebration of making the shortlist, after the game, we're like, we're going to get stuck in matchday traffic, get in a taxi now, let's go out to the casino. Had a couple of pints in the casino, we're like, where else is up?

And we went to the strip, as Matty farted on a strip. On a stripper? Why was he on her? No, no, it was like she walked into it. It was like it wasn't during the dance. It was like, he was like, fucking hell, what's wrong with my guts

I keep fucking farting and all that right and we're just like still having a pint it was pretty rammed in there it's match day Manny Nettie got beat just a bunch of

like me and Matty were the youngest people in there let's say that right it was a bunch of fucking dirty old men droning their sorrows right and they were the youngest but

so the two 40 year olds are strippers look I didn't have a horse in the race for the match. I wasn't droning these sorrows. But I was a dirty old man. Look, part of the sentence was true, but the sentence as a whole was false. That's my spin.

So it was like, we were just watching the lasses hustle, right? Because they were, you know, normally in a strip club, that's not so busy. Everybody's got a seat. They'll work around. They'll come and sit in tight here. They'll flirt with you for a bit, make you feel special.

And then they'll ask if you want to dance and you'll go into a booth over there and get a private dance. Private being the public word. And they'll last the length of a song for your money, right? And these girls were kind of, There was no room for a booth. Everywhere was just people, right? And they were going up to people, asking if they wanted to dance, taking their money, dancing for them for 30 seconds,

and then fucking off. They were hustling. The girls were making mad bank. Anyway, I was just going, that's class. They were coming chatting to us, and I was just saying, didn't waste any of your time or money to be made. Like, getting out of the air. So we weren't, like, getting dancers and that. We were just, like and that or just like just watching them like behind the tree on bridesmaids so

you sent that gift into the whatsapp to me and even sit ups and looking from behind the tree so we were like spying on the dancers from a bush spying on the bush from a and then i builded that joke because he's kind of spy from a dance Right And I bailed out that joke Because he's kind of Spy from a dance Well I could not You probably could

Spy on a dance from a bush And spy on a bush From a dance floor I could have done it You could be on the dance floor Like And you're like You're blending in by dancing

And then you're like Looking at people Just to see if they're Short skirted Show bush for some reason Aye So anyway We were just

There having a pint Chatting about Because we've got loads of shit Coming up this year so we're talking about all the parties that we're going to be having within a strip club

and Matty's just sticking in the middle of talking about your trip and talking about what we're going to do for Cairns and that he's just like oh me guts man

there's something wrong with me guts and this fucking lad's just whacking and I'm like listen break my heart and looked at Matty

and I went that's fucking lifting and I brought a deep man down Matty Denny and I went that's fucking lifting and I put a deep mang on my head I was fucking dying I know you've not confronted me

to strip clubs like every time you tell stories and I'm like what part of this is I like to be like it's like you know it's like being in a bar

where like there's a being in a bar Where like There's a match on That you're keeping Half an eye on But I also don't Love that That's not a class time For me

You don't like being In a busy bar do you Nah Nah No man It's also just like I don't like being in Quiet fucking bars

You remember When I was down in Norwich You were away for some reason So I was just At the fucking Day off on tour And I went to watch The Arsenal Everton match

Which I ended up winning And this guy Just There's nobody In this fucking club Guy walks over He goes Mind if I join you

For the match And I was like I really do Like Nah Not at all I didn't say anything To the next bit

But it's like I don't care about Your opinions On the football match I don't want to see how you react I can tell you now It's going to be five minutes Before you get comfortable

Being racist No no Not even that Man can be the nicest Kind of the world I just You didn't want to take the risk You didn't want to gamble

On being stuck with a fucking melon Like it's not worth the gamble Like if he was sound as fuck Right Like it's not worth the payoff Of risking someone Being an absolute Ted

Well you're not getting A fucking free show cunt Aye Erm if he was sound as fuck, right? Like, it's not worth the payoff of risking someone being an absolute tit. Well, you're not getting a fucking free show, cunt. Aye. Right, that was a good night. I've had a fucking,

I managed to bang seven sessions in seven, not seven, I'm overselling myself. It's underwhelming. No, it's new.

Three big sessions in three different cities in the space of seven days is what I was trying to say with a sentence because I had a gate crash to Stagdew in Dublin.'re counting stag do i think we're tied with on the last uh last podcast and then a couple of days later i went to matthew's kind of half got proposed

to and got drunk on whiskey because of it and then um and then gate crashed paul smith stag do we we did it you left at the exact right time oh you're getting good at that like you're getting good at man when the party's over aye just going right and it's always

45 minutes after you see your first person taking an MDMA bomb where you go alright that's the that's the light just at the back

of the room would you be like I mean you can stay you can stay beyond the light but crowd's about to get rowdy aye I saw a video of my face

like four in the morning I showed it to my wife I was like you've seen the clip of me last night I was meant to get back as well I tell her she was picking us up

I was just like I'm gonna pop in and see oh a gate crash in the stag do right we're just fucking he's nearby so he's invited

we're welcome there we're not like gate crash in gate crash but you know if he was a it in London, we would have probably not gotten the invite. Now I'm well enough. So I was like, I'm going to do the whiskey tasting.

I'll come back. We'll get the last train. And Natalie can pick us up from the train station. I'm there with Mark Nelson. He's got the exact same vibes. I've missed my last train. Natalie's texting. I don't know what time we need picking up i was like i've fucked this like i've absolutely fucked this

we've been day drinking when did you end up sleeping uh i woke up at a four post a bed so someone slept rough aye aye but i woke up um it was like about half past four in the morning mark nelson fucking co-host of the pod When you're away Fucking stood at the foot Of my bed And he was like I'm walking back Man There's something

About a night out In a place that he's never been to That makes Nelson go I'm gonna go orienteering At five in the morning To get home He'd done it in the middle of nowhere In Malaga

Oh He's done it from Edinburgh From your fucking stag do He decided to just like to be fair like we tried I think a taxi

wouldn't come pick him up or it was fucking lost and he needed to get a train back to his family the next day and the taxi was like I'm at this bit of civilization that's fucking miles away

and Mark was just like I'll meet you there keep the meter running or whatever and walked to it and got circled by dogs in the wilderness can't you hear his eye

fuck me I could hear them barking and I was like Mark's out and that aye that's why I I killed all three of them aye

that's the coat he wears now gone to my Zuba with blood all over his mouth and then I stood at the foot of my bed and he was like I fucking got the school run no see

I was I think I think you walked to Falkirk and got the first train I've definitely taken my last ecstasy pill a while ago

aye I don't think I'll go near I don't think I'll go near Uppers again I'm pretty sure like I'm at the

end of my eight years because I haven't I haven't dabbled with it in a while now it's been so long since I've been it's been so long

since I've been cool I forgot how sucky comedowns are in that you feel like so you get your comedown and you feel a little bit of like

overriding sadness just washes over your life right and also like you lack motivation to do the smallest things make yourself food like just watch a tv show that like takes a little bit of concentration which is why i ended up watching

hot ones right i was going in that way because i was still riding me come down i'm an old man now i was like um i was like let's just watch something where if i fall asleep in front of it it's fine if i would miss a little bit of a conversation i don't need to rewind it let's just watch something like and watching that i was like i was on like really low processing of a conversation, I don't need to rewind it. Let's just watch something like, and watching that. I was like, I was on like really low processing. But the thing is, you don't think, your default thought isn't,

this is my comedown, it too shall pass. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, default thought is, this is just how I feel all the time. Aye, this is it. Uh-huh. I'm depressed.

Aye. It is, it's depression goggles. You get to go, oh, yeah, I can see why. Oh,

bleh. You can take those off and not live that life anymore. Mental health tourism. Aye. Not for me. I can see why you people need contacts. You can see how you're alcoholics and that.

Fucking God bless. So I have been, you know what as well though, I've been out of the gym four times a week and still managing to sesh hard so are you doing the same thing as me

just damage limitations aye yeah I'm still looking at my gut and like I'm not going to get rid of that easy I'm doing a week this week

of I do it every now and again where I'm challenging my palate when I go right another year of your life's gone by right

you're 31 let's see if you're old enough to enjoy certain vegetables. No, you're doing a little, like, just... You keep checking in. Yeah, I always do. Man, look, I've always said, me and Cara, we don't enjoy being picky eaters, but we are.

If there was a magic fucking spell I could do that would make me like eggs, my life would be thousands of times better. I would enjoy Australia more as a country thousands of times better. I would enjoy Australia more as a country if I enjoyed eggs. I would enjoy breakfast. I would have healthier breakfasts. More variety in my breakfast if we enjoyed eggs. I just fucking don't.

Yeah, I felt like you were really missing out on me and Neil having a little food holiday. We were like little food bloggers. I didn't write a blog afterwards. I'll all tour. And you were just like the occasional pancakes And I get the opportunity because of my job to be taken to really nice restaurants by some people who think I'm classier than I am

and there's times where I'm like man I wish I would I wish I enjoyed that goat's cheese and fucking fennel covered roast pepper blah blah blah shite shite shite stuff that makes me vomit in my mouth now I wish I'd like that so what I do is I just get a bit more

adventurous with Joe Wick's stuff that's that's how I dabble differently I mean that's exactly what we need

aye just go okay Joe let's try this fucking tuna and couscous you fucking saucy boy so Natalie's on the

strict body coach plan where every meal, every workout, every snack is... If he came out as a wrong one, it would destroy, it would take... We had this conversation! It would fucking break this country at its fucking kneecaps. He has got a fucking, like,

he's got a duty to a lot of people that have thoroughly invested in him. Aye, so you're too pure. I'm sorry, man, but like, if you've... Just become asexual get castrated become a no no no

he's got to have he can't stop having kids and he can never cheat he can never like look he's just oh yeah he's got to be

remain asexual to us and the audience sorry I thought you meant like one day he's just like and I no longer

feel anything sexually towards my beautiful wife I'm off I mean like David Attenborough aye like I don't know I don't I know nothing What day is just like, and I no longer feel anything sexually towards my beautiful wife, I'm off. No, I mean like David Attenborough. Aye. Like I don't know,

I know nothing about David Attenborough's ages because he's never been in the newspaper for being a rat. Oh man, he fucks all the animals before he throws them. He's like, if you thought Harvey Weinstein was bad, just ask those elephants how they got on the show. See if that was that break. See if that was that break. See if that was that big break. Honestly, man, a bunch of endangered monkeys come up to them. They're like, honestly, they keep poaching us to the point of extinction.

He's like, do they? And what are you willing to do for your future generations? I'm going to get a reach around from a spider monkey one way or another. I was wondering why all them elephants had runny noses It's just them upset remembering the trauma Well isn't he snod Also I know it's not funny to picture an elephant being upset for the

sexual assault that David Attenborough did on them unless you imagine them drying their eyes with Kleenex in their trunk then it's then it's funny then it's objectively funny yeah no Joe Wicks has to remain so clean otherwise

it would be the death of an idol he's becoming a national treasure or or and I don't I do not wish this on him because I'm look I'm part of the he's got to die before his time he's got Steve Irwin it

mind you though I do think Steve Irwin would have remained pure I think what his family is is proof that he would have just remained pure until the end

I feel the same is true he would he would have been a brutal one to find out that that he was fucking up knee good aye

well I mean his death was tragic enough man a fucking stingray killed him aye but like that's like when Colin McRae died in a helicopter crash

death isn't the worst thing that could happen like the actual like fucking if Conor McGregor had died when we loved him that would have been better for us as fans

if Conor McGregor had just found out that we're back the wrong horse entirely just like the day after he fuck who did he my memory

who did he beat for the second title Eddie Alvarez thank you of course it was yeah that's when he became champ champ if he died

couple of months after that mwah sadly yeah that would have been like the peak sadly he went I'm going to start

writing my own chapters it's like man it's like imagine fucking like my dad will love Bruce Lee that's his fucking generational like martial arts guy

right and fucking if Bruce Lee had just become Conor McGregor and the way he fucking went on I mean you say that

he did he fucked all of the stunt doubles that's how they got on the movies he was like I'm going to do exactly what my favourite director, David Attenborough, has done and do the exact same thing.

Didn't Quentin Tarantino throw him under the bus, Bruce Lee, in that one that's got Brad Pitt and George Clooney in it, What's Upon a Time in Hollywood. He just made Bruce Lee an absolute tosser. Well, no, I think because Joe Rogan complained about that and then there was some, and Quentin Tarantino was on the podcast

and he was explaining like Bruce Lee in some stories like was an absolute bit of a dick because why would he why would he respect American stuntmen?

Like you know I can understand where if it's true where his arrogance came from but he's like I'm the fucking greatest martial artist of all time and some fucking

yank who lives in Hollywood thinks he's going to be wearing the stunts of me get fucked. I believe it's true I reckon he was like that he was a bit of a no no no

I reckon he kept it under I reckon he wouldn't flaunt on a podcast like some fucking wank boss but I reckon man if you can kick everyone in the world's ass

right obviously you've got a level of fucking restraint where you're like right I'm the most dangerous man on the planet I'll never use it for evil and if some cunt

starts acting the hard man in front of you, like, don't make me slap you. Aye. Like, don't make me do it. Like,

acknowledge I'm the hardest cunt in the world. And that was, that was Tarantino's, like, excuse for making him like that, as the slay. No, no,

no, he was, no, like, Tarantino's mad into the history of Bruce Lee, like, he's a massive Bruce Lee fan, and he just knows the history,

and I think apparently, like, even, I don't know, I don't watch Joe Rogan because. Aye, we've been over it aye do you reckon

it would demolish people if we turned it to be wrong well I don't know if we turned it to be

that we're beating Natalie and Cara aye if there was something I think for some people not a lot of people but

there would be there's some people that are like they've spent so much time with that like literally owe it to them just to be decent for the rest of our lives or die i i mean i imagine we've probably already like disappointed some people to the point where like

there'll be something weird that we've done and they'll just go you know some people are like oh it's the final straw for me if somebody's some people have got to have went off because we're free the way we talk freely about drug use. Some people have still got very much their line in the sand about like, it's binary. There's druggies and then there's decent people. And when we flick that switch onto where druggies, it's like, you know, we're

past the point of no return for them. I think that's a very British thing as well. I just think, you know, there's always been a fucking stone in culture it's generational too aye yeah aye so Joe Wicks

now I was there I was just trying to backtrack excavate the conversation oh I thought we were into that conversation I've tied myself

down to Natalie's Joe Wicks plan but obviously I can't eat the same as her otherwise we'd end up the same size aye so I have to just

make myself little side meals big pots of chilli and stuff I have to feed Cara because otherwise she will forget to eat how do you deal with the fact that you are different sizes

just different portions different portions if everybody's like eating the same food you've got to be the same size right but that doesn't work with couples

couples are always if you have to really cater for that if you're eating as a team yeah yeah yeah and also it means it limits our meals because I'm

it means at lunchtime is when I'm more adventurous dinner times we eat together whereas lunchtime I'll cook myself something and I'll make her something or at least I'll try to I should definitely do it more

I should definitely be I think I'm going to lean into no that I've not leaned into already but I think I'm going to lean into, no, that I've not leaned into already, but I think I'm going to lean way further into House Bitch. Big fan of it. Big fan of being like,

if she's just out there fucking being sucked on all the time, I might as well go around. I'd have made out the house elf, like I just fucking put her on W. You're trying to make her my name? By making it elf, you don't like it? W the house elf. Aye. Mm. Yeah, yeah, okay, you know. Like I just Fucking put her on Dobby You try and make him I mean By making it elf You don't like Dobby the husbelf Aye Hmm

Yeah You know My mum would like it On a minion meme Or Huber Husband that picks you up From places when you

Oh I'd never heard That was Maxwell Coyne that one Meg Aye So Aye

You know what Natalie Was Getting back to Talking about you Stag Natalie was saying, going back to talking about your stag, Natalie was saying, like, I wonder if the girls are going to plan a week away and just leave all the men at home with the kids, right? As if it was, like, a preposterous idea. And I was like, I think that we've got a couple of friendship groups,

the people in my friendship group, where the man is definitely just the babysitter. Aye. Right? And, like, you need, like, strict instructions to leave his own children with a baby. But I feel like in our group, I feel like we've got a bit more, like,

joint primary caregiver. And if ever the mother doesn't want to go away from the baby and leave it to you, it's not the distrust from you, it's not wanting to be away from the baby. It's their own thing rather than... The only reason Gareth doesn't want to leave

Cailin for long periods of time is because she's breastfeeding and if she doesn't feed him for four hours her tits get really hard and painful and she has to milk herself

over sinks she doesn't quite want to do that in Wagamama's bathroom aye aye she's just like it's very much like you know she trusts me with him

for long periods of time and we both we both acknowledge like her you know, she'd trust me with him for long periods of time. And we both acknowledge, like, her, you know, she's like, I'm way too protective of him. And I'm like, I'll also acknowledge I am far too comfortable with him sometimes because I'm like, babies bounce, man. They're built to survive. So that's the reason that she wouldn't want to leave him.

It's like, he's got a completely skewed view of what's health and safety. I think she was like when it's just me and him i'll be extricate but but man home you know he's a baby so yeah would you be in the camp where if she wanted to get away for a week you could just be like mom and dad at home yeah easy oh sorry i've got to get past the milk don't let me say easy as if that's an easy thing to do i imagine it would be As difficult as Fucking being a parent is Yeah It would be just the same

As leaving for her Aye Aye But I wouldn't I wouldn't be like Oh god what am I I wouldn't be like Oh god what am I going to do

I've got no idea I can fucking Change a nappy And feed a child And get them to sleep And comfort them And you know But big two rules

Don't help them Don't fuck them That's the big two The only ones you've got to remember If not for the child Just for the podcast listeners I've invested in one Yep

Yep That's my rule for them Don't help them Don't fuck them You're the only people That got to remember if not for the child just for the podcast listeners i've invested in one yeah yeah that's my rule for them don't have them down you're the only people that keep us on the screen i'll only ever verbally hit you and i'll only ever verbally fuck you um we're slowly adding basically the rest of my year is i'm doing fringe and then we will be slowly adding in like well i don't know where I'll be at performance wise so there's probably going to be a lot of like Daniel Sloss and friends in shows in cities where you are if you're in Europe or the UK

aye and it's just like if I can't film fucking 90 minutes myself I'll do 50 minutes an hour and then just also get my friends to come out because then I'll have a bit more fun and enjoy it a bit more so we're both doing french shows yours is a work in progress yes i'm the worst i will acknowledge i'm the worst fucking comic it's uh it's a disgraceful thing that no professional comics do

it's a festival oh to do to the edinburgh festival the largest arts festival in the fucking world what are you building a show for a smaller festival up the show to the Edinburgh festival the largest arts festival in the fucking world what are you building a show for a smaller festival up the road

yeah madness the disrespect to go to the largest arts festival in the world and just half hours of a fucking show just because

we want to be there and be involved but motherfucker it's been like I was out the last year's one it was good it's not the full

one yet it's my fucking you know shit I've been here for ages it's on my doorstep and also I've done

I've done 13 or 14 how old am I? I'm doing my 10th fringe show this year I'm calling it X oh aye

is that why you called it XX? aye that was oh right it actually was I thought it was a kiss no yeah yeah

my show about rape was called Kiss aye the adventure has stopped alright I'm getting at altitude next week why

so you're not coming because you've got a baby and what not do you want me to take all the shitting day podcasts out there because there's quite a

quite a if you check the line up for fucking altitude it's class some of you are coming I can't wait to see you all and a lot of the listeners are

planning on coming definitely and also Nelson's out there so you've got your co-host yeah Nelson's gonna be there Elliot Steele's there

Gareth, Colin there's gonna be well don't put Colin on and they're the people that you know off the podcast but there's a

fucking shit ton of talent that have never been on that I can introduce you to so I will Thursday Patreon we'll be together

I mean we're doing it, we'll be together. I mean, we're doing it now. We're going to do it now? Aye. Sweet. And then, and then I'll see you as an altitude

on next Monday. Fucking class. Bye motherfuckers.