Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ant Vesuvius

Episode Date: April 10, 2024

Back in the studio ever so briefly after a winding road that took them from India to the Alps the boys have a moment of tranquility before taking you to the states. Muggins considers the ethics of waking someone up when they're snoring and Cream admires the methodology of the far right. They each bring an injury home from Altitude Festival, one from fire, one from ice. #26   Improve the contents of your fridge with delicious cider from our partner Thistly Cross using your 10% off discount code. Enjoy! www.thistlycrosscider.co.uk NEW Discount Code: THISTLYSLOSSAPRIL

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Are we keeping the audio or are we going again?

Sorry, man. I think we should just go again. Right. Because I basically started the podcast off by calling you fat. Yeah. Well, no. You asked how my health was and I told you it wasn't good. And you saw me try to file my belly down to...

I saw you diving after a snowboard. Did you actually see it? Oh, no, I didn't. Aye. I didn't see it. Aye. I caught wind. Yeah.

I caught air. I felt the rumble. I saw the avalanche. Well, thank God it was an icy day, otherwise there would have been. So we've just come back from Altitude Festival, which is obviously the greatest festival in the world best I had such a good time yeah um like uh not to get too fucking comedy political already but I saw somebody from Melbourne comedy festival being like this is why this is the greatest festival on the planet like first of all first of all you're you are a tenth at most the size of

edinburgh and you're the second busiest biggest comedy festival so let's rein that fucking attitude in this is the conclusive evidence that altitude is infinitely better than melbourne is i have been in melbourne with so many comedians who have four more about being at altitude because they've been and they know fucking how good it is and they're saying people's posts about it can you remember anyone from last week that had four more of melbourne did they did it even get mentioned they even come up well yeah we're liking i mentioned i was like because i it was my first attitude since 2017 and people were asking why and i was like because unfortunately comedy festivals

always go over the top of it most of the time. As a business person, it makes sense to go to Melbourne over Altitude. Oh, absolutely. It's way more money. Way more money. And it's a month ahead of a week. Yeah.

Yeah. And there is, there is like really cool people at Melbourne who I like hanging out with. But what Altitude Festival does is take the festivals like Melbourne, like Edinburgh Fringe, and curates a festival out of the best people from it.

So you end up with like, you just trim the fat. A lot like what you did with your belly when you were diving across the... You tried to fail your belly down. I didn't... It was one of those things, right? I did the right thing, but for the wrong reasons, right?

I cleaned up after my mess, which I think you should always do. It's something I regularly teach my son, which is it's absolutely fine. Clean up after my mess. Yes. It's absolutely fine to make mistakes. It's absolutely fine to make a mess. We all have accidents. But if you do any of those things, it is your responsibility to clean those things up and do your best to right the

wrongs that you might have done oops i did a boo-boo yeah but now and now there's no you can't take back the boo-boo what you can't do is you can fix it or you can or you can do your best to try and make it better and take ownership so we're at the top of the fucking a horn in altitude which is one of the the mountains in meyerhofen which and the way, Meyerhofen, even if you're not going, if you're not going to Meyerhofen for the Comedy Festival and you're just looking for a great place to go skiing or snowboarding any time during ski snowboard season, Meyerhofen's unbelievable. It's so gorgeous.

And there's so many things to do there. Good places to eat, good places to drink. Up and down the mountain if you want to stay on the resort for a day yeah it's great the best spa

I've ever been to yeah my mum and dad I don't mean the actual spa which there is one but the sauna yeah my mum and dad

were there for six days and they didn't scare snowboard once and they still had the time of their life so I highly recommend it in general so what about the A-horn

I'm going to get like my fourth or fifth drink of the day before the clown race right and there's I'm going to say like a tenth of the way down the mountain like literally you get off the big gondola you can go down maybe

50, 100 feet and there's a bar that's sort of overlooking the hill and it's got like a decking bed where you can be outside and that's where they're having the silent disco. Me and my friends were going to meet inside for some food before we went out to the silent disco before we went to the clown race.

And right beside the door, people have got their skis, their boards, everything all piled up and I'm like, right, going to put it close here so there's no danger of it

falling down the fucking mountain. I put it there. I've had two spliffs already. I've had a couple of drinks already. It's 11am at altitude. I've had two spliffs already. I've had a couple of drinks already. It's 11 a.m. at altitude. I've had a day. You still beat me at the Clone Race. Yeah, yeah, which we'll get to.

Probably because of that. I put my board up and it goes, and then it goes, just the domino fucking effect starts and it knocks everything off and it's ski, ski, ski. And now all the ski is falling over. I'm going, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, fuck fuck you but also people are looking and i'm like so i gotta do the thing i'm like oh god

what an asshole i am silly twat i'm about to clean all this up the end thing is a board it's on the edge of the fucking building and it just goes and starts going down the mountain and that is not the end of the domino rally no because you have seen the game Mousetrap, someone is diving into a pool because of that. Well, if it was my rental board, I wouldn't have done anything. If it was my rental board, I would have watched it go down the mountain.

Fingers crossed it didn't wipe out a child. Well, unless that kid was French. Yeah, yeah. You can injure French kids, and morally, that's completely fine. I start sprinting down. Everyone at Altitude, well, not everyone,

but a lot of people at the Altitude Comedy Festival are in there. This could be one of the punters' boards. This could be one of my friends' boards. This could be Marcus Brigstocke's kids' board. I don't want to fucking lose someone else's board.

I start running down a mountain. I'm not faster than a snowboard going down a mountain. That's why I'm on snowboards going down mountains. Otherwise I just do it anyway. Yeah, yeah. Otherwise there's no point in a snowboard. Just do it on your bum.

There's one opportunity to get this thing and that's to use the height advantage that I have over the board and launch and grab the heel. That's the only way I'm going to fucking get it. And I do. I scrape all this get off my belly i smash my ribs real fucking bad i rescue it right and i hear like a round of applause from like five or six people at the silent disco who'd all fucking seen it to music

and it's very hard to accept uh adoration when you're winded and crying and it was your fault yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but to this day i still don't know whose board it was whether it was a good thing to do whether i mean it was obviously a good thing to do but like but every day since then i wish i hadn't done i wish i just let that board go off did it feel like true altruism you never you never got to see the i don't know if it's off Did it feel like true altruism? You never got to say the I don't know if it's true It doesn't count as altruism if You did it

You're just not being a dick That's it That's it I'm just not being A dick would have just fucking left And here's the thing If I hadn't have got it If I hadn't have caught it

I would have waved alright to responsibility I would have been like Oh man I tried Like I literally threw myself down the mountain after it. I'm not, it's now up to some skier down there to find out and get it back for you. I don't think it was altruism. I was trying to clean up my own fucking mess.

If I could take it back and not do it, I would, man, I sleep on my front like a normal person. I can't. Whoa. Yeah. Your front? Yeah. So when we had the conversation about the back sleepers,

did you know that you were A front sleeper Skydive A side sleeper Side Uh huh Actually I told you what I do I do like a fucking

One leg out So it's kind of half twist I sometimes do that I sometimes do the I always tell the thing Pregnant women do Which you Put the pillow between your legs

Like that Give yourself some Basically you know The recovery position yeah that's how you sleep just in case just force a habit

getting in it so many times just put myself in it to save the paramedic so anyway have you been sleeping on your back no have you become a back sleeper

no I couldn't do it pride came before fall well no I can't sleep on my back because oh wow we spoke about kind of being pregnant on the podcast already, didn't we? I'm not entirely sure, you know.

This might be news to them. Do we have any other attitudes? I don't think so. Oh, well she's mentioned it. It's on her social, so it's fucking out there. I'm besides a four-month pregnant woman. I can't snore. I can't rob her of sleep that she's already lacking in.

If I'm on my back... Also, I can't sleep on my back because I'm not... Do you snore? What do you mean, do you snore on can't i can't rob her of sleep that she's already lacking in if i'm on my back also i can't sleep on my back because i'm not do you snore what do you mean you snore on your back yeah is that the rules yeah well there's rules for everyone where do you stand on this this happened to me i wait i'm gonna i can't stress enough how fucked i've been lately just i've been getting by and having a good time and like like turning up professionally and turning up socially but i am fucked because including the flights that i've done with you i've had two additional ones that mean i've had seven night flights in four weeks that's like a night flight every four days that doesn't mean i'm sleeping through the day i'm grabbing bits of sleep where i can right i'm i

haven't had a great deal of sleep in the last four weeks i'm fucked considering i've been traveling like there hasn't been a day in this whole like fucking whatever like five six weeks where i haven't done a gig had a travel day i've done a podcast all three of those three things every day has been a day's graft um even though like people who actually graft yeah that's not graft are spitting at their fucking thing but i've seen the my mate who graft on the first day of their holiday and they're all fucked at the end of it every single day of my life's the first day me holder right and i am getting drunk just the same as you would um so i am fucked not for really complaining about

it but putting it out there yeah Yeah. Putting it out there. I'm fucked from having a good time and from work being good. I'm grabbing sleep when I can. I'm doing a night flight, through the night flight, right? We got wet. Airport transfer was two in the morning. So we went straight from the night out. Airport transfer from Meyerhofen? To get back from Meyerhofen, which is exactly the same as when we flew out there.

Right? And I'm on the flight. I fall asleep asleep I don't fall asleep too easily on flights but I'm not fucked and Natalie walkers up because I was snoring and when I woke up I snapped awake because I want to play and I don't really know where I am I've been on the drink that made right now wake up and I'm like, oh. She's like, you're snoring. I was like, that's it. That's what you woke us up for. She was like, yeah, other people can hear you. I was like, other people have headphones. The plane's making more noise than me.

I mean, you don't know that. No, hold on. You know the ambient noise of a plane. You block it out. It's not as annoying as snoring, but it's fucking noisy. You know, if you put noise noise canceling noise canceling headphones on you can still hear the aircraft through it and then you knock them off and it just goes and you can hear how loud it actually is like that's loud i'm just like got my own corner of

the world over here i'm having a snow you've got headphones the guy next to you's got headphones everybody's got headphones there's a baby crying There's a lot of noise. People are having a conversation. Fucking man, like, I'm not out of turn having a sleep. You're not out of turn having a sleep. I get what you're saying, but. Don't wake us up for it. Not if you love us. Well.

Not if you know how I've lived for the last four weeks. No. I'm going to tell you, I nearly cried. I nearly sobbed because I couldn't Get back to sleep I'm not Like I couldn't get Where am I going to sleep next Aye

In Ship Hall When I'm running Through the airport Because the connection Is 45 minutes And it's fucking Ship Hall Oh yeah aye Right

My bags didn't turn up Of course they didn't I knew they weren't Going to turn up Why would they turn up The connection meant There's no baggage handlers Running through the airport

Like I am No With my bag Nah Right So I know I'm going home To no bags at least I could have some sleep

you know what I would have been happier if I was in the middle of a nice delicious meal that I'd ordered and she just scraped it into the bin because then I'll get

another meal in a couple hours I'll just whenever I'm next to see food I'll be able to eat again she's like I don't like the smell of that and scraped it into the bin

I would have been like yeah fair fucks I had to say it because I've got I've got like two days before I feel like I'm not talking to you for those two days it was I think I was in the car I was not gonna because of me bag didn't turn up right it's arrived just an hour before left mm-hmm now this is I was like I was close to quit and I just turned on Natalie in there in the car and I was like look I don't care what the situation is for two days at home never wake us up if I fall asleep on the couch and then I was ready to wake us up like if I like when I sleep that's when

I sleep because I need to be back over five weeks on the road ahead of us in AA bless her she slept in a different bed of his last night she went into that room you got what you asked for but not what you wanted fucking mint Danny I slept

about 12 hours straight 12 straight hours didn't wake up Peggy chose me she didn't wake up peggy chose me she didn't care about the snoring uh did she wake up the dog wake up there's one point where she like climbed in with us like she got off from like she sleeps in the nook of me legs like you know if i sleep like um i'm about to do the karate kick kick no you know i think karate kick you know when he raises one leg karate kick oh I know the

reference but not crane kick I've never seen so I go I sleep with my legs in crane kick position this episode is

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Karate Kid's one of those movies where I don't need to watch it to know that it's shit and not aged well. It would have no nostalgia value for you. Yeah, so therefore it's shit. You need to have watched it

as a child so you could enjoy it again as an adult. Yeah, there's no need for a 33-year-old to watch it for the first time and be like, oh, every one of my friends who likes this movie because they're older than me is a fucking dweeb because this objectively sucks because everything's better now it's so predictable

I can't watch Karate Kid now because I don't want to face the fact that Miss Damiagi is probably my age okay she sleeps whoops she sleeps in the nook of me leg

like wherever I'm sleeping she'll like sometimes find a part of me that she can use as a basket but then every now and again she comes to the nook of me leg like wherever I'm sleeping she'll like sometimes find a part of me that she can use as a basket but then every now and again she comes to the top of the bed and climbs up into the duvet

and then climbs back up so her head's at the same height and I kind of stirred when that happened and then fell straight back asleep again didn't bite her head off no

she had grace about it I didn't bite her You know if I was just Going to chew her off That was fucking devastating I don't know how she could Do that to me I couldn't bring myself

To do that to her Even though she'd want us to That's the thing She'd be like Oh my god I was snoring That's so embarrassing Yeah Well because here's the thing About Yeah, that's the difference. She'd be like, oh my God, I was snoring, that's so embarrassing. Yeah. Well, because here's the thing about

what we want to talk about, fucking plain etiquette and the rules of it. So on my flight out to Altitude, I was out later than everyone else because I want to be out later than everyone else because, again, I've had no time at home. Because you actually had some self-love when it came to your time at home.

Yeah, and I was like, man, I love altitude. I'm not going to sleep for a week. I'm going to drink too much, and I'm not doing that to myself. I want to spend time at home with my pregnant wife and my son. So I flew out on the Monday, and I get on the plane, and I'm sat in the corner of me, and that's fine. And I sit down, and this guy guy he's got his baseball cap on and I go that's the gay from the gay episode of last of us that's not in the conference not not Ron Swanson no Murray

Bartlett is apparently his name he's also the uh the um hotel manager in first season of White Lotus right and I'm I'm convinced it's him the second I see him I'm like 60% certain it's him mind you Heathrow to Munich weird flight fair enough

okay grand and he's got his baseball cap on and that means he's in disguise and I anytime he's ordering something from the

people in the aisle the air stewards I'm trying to catch I'm trying to very subtly be like how famous do you think he is? Because I wouldn't recognise him.

Oh, I think he's... I've seen one thing that he's in. He's newly famous. White Lotus is Emmy winning. I'm almost certain that he was, if not a winner... Last of Us was massive, but he wasn't... He was in one episode. Yeah, but that episode was an unbelievably famous episode

because the Conservatives hated it because they were told to hate it because they don't have any policies so they just need to be outraged by gays existing in a fucking apocalyptic world. So you had a lot of media swelling around him during that time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all I want to do, all I want to do is go, hey man, that episode of Last of Us is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. I've watched three times i've cried all three times i think you're a phenomenal actor um that's it i don't want a photo so he's like acting being gay and you're

just really being gay i think he's getting i think he's gay irl is he yeah otherwise you let me suck him off for no reason is nick offerman gay as well no No, he's married to fucking Janet from Will & Grace. Okay. Aye. She's very funny. She's very funny. Oh, no, I see, man. Oh, she's an unbelievably good...

Oh, wait, hold on. You know his mental ex-wife in... In Parks and Rec? That's his wife. Oh, right, okay. That's his real-life wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah, her. Like, they are...

Yeah, she's a... I wish I remembered her name. I'm a bad person for now. She's an unbelievably good comic actor. I think Monty Bartlett is gay in real life I could be wrong

but almost certain um all I want to do is just tell him how great a thing he is he's got his hat on he's got his headphones on

and I'm like alright from a Z-list celebrity to a B-list celebrity I know what that means it's not he's on a flight.

He's made it. Yeah, we're both on economy. We don't want to get spotted. So, but there is one bit, right? Where the guy in front of me, it's a two hour flight from London to Munich. Guy in front of me reclines his chair and I do what I always do.

And I went, no, you do not get to recline chairs on two hour flights. Anything under four hours, it's a straight, and I'll argue with you the whole flight you're not recline two inches backwards doesn't make fucking if you're that tired you can sleep with the extra two inches right i'll put it out there i was asleep without reclining my chair you're not tired enough on long haul flights absolutely it is unforgivable and I will not allow it to happen you do not get

to recline your fucking seat on anything less than four hours shut the fuck up or pay for premium economy this is what you should be able to do

if somebody puts his seat back he's just going oh yeah pass it on we're all gonna have to put our seats back two inches

because of this dickhead in front of me so you're just passive aggressive they can hear you just going right we're all day at Domino's and we're gonna get woken up before the fucking flight lands to put our seats forward and lose that 15 minutes of sleep that we could have had

if this dickhead they're all good are you better did this make a difference to your life you're fine so no no man i'll deny it i'll deny all the time get the air steward i'll have a fight i'll have an argument with everyone you do not get to recline a seat on anything less than fucking four hours so guy reclines his seat I went

nope pushed it forward the guy turns and I went no it's not happening no I've got a drink here

it's two hours no and the guy's like and he turns back around right money looks over sees me and so

first time we make I can't die with him and he sort of goes and I'm like fuck that's it that's it that's better that's better. Oh, that's better than a full. That's better than a fucking full. That's amazing. That's better. And I'm sitting there, drinking my gin and tonic, being like, fuck yes. I made someone I greatly respect respect me, right? And I turn around. The cunt reclined his seat.

Did he? He fucking did. And not even to sleep, to meditate. He had his fucking headphones in and he had meditated there's definitely someone behind him a hundred percent which I have way more

respect for right sometimes you just be like nice move let's see if this guy's a bitch that's so funny alright so he gets off the plane

I'm like don't bother him don't bother him just he's he's listening to meditation he's being calm it's just not a day

for him to be fucking interrupted we're standing beside each other at the luggage carousel I'm like just man just be just be next to him

and just accept it he gets his bag go outside friend Tom's picking us up picking me up and I'm like, fucking, it's the guy from fucking Last of Us. And he goes, oh my God, so it fucking is. And we both look over. Beside, stood beside, waiting for a taxi,

Alexis from Schitt's Creek. Annie Murphy. Annie Murphy. Oh man. And first of all, while talking about phenomenal comedic actors she's absolutely up there

she was so good in that Black Mirror episode as well where it was like layered yeah and gorgeous to boot

but I'm just like what are they doing are they just friends they're working on something got to be

but I feel like she's someone that would have a gay best friend I know but are they going to Germany to go yeah

that's right that was the exact epiphany I had when I was asking you Berlin would have been better so flying into

Munich I mean there probably lots of stuff shot in Germany heaps I imagine absolute fucking heaps

it's like everything in Germany works it would make sense that but being flown over something in the economy shot in Germany heaps I imagine absolute fucking heaps it's like everything in Germany works it would make sense that but being flown over something

an economy that does suggest that it's just me but then again that like you went out an economy because

it was like passion thing you were going to a festival yeah that like were trying to make their budget

so that they could afford You and Dara And Paul Smith And everybody else That was going And the flights And the ski high And all that

So the Also by the way For the record I will never fly business When it's my money Yeah So like It could be a thing

That They're working on That their budgets They can't just fucking Eat into the budget For all of these things That's fair And And he just went Well fucking it's two hours I just What even is What even is They can't just fucking eat into the budget for all of these things. That's fair.

And these just went, well, fuck it, it's two hours. What even is first class on these flights other than you're sitting there on the front and you get a curtain to block off the paroles? Yeah. There's not a great deal of difference. Yeah. I didn't want to say this on all of our India flights, but all of our internal India flights,

there was no reason for any of those to be business. I'm like, I'm just closer to the front. We get off the flight earlier. Yeah. Yeah. And the, the lounges, fuck the Indian lounges,

like, Oh, Kolkata airport. Dry, dry, dry lounge. Celebrate prostitute. What is for?

That didn't mean it. Like, what's the lounge for? It's because it was the start of fucking Ramadan, but also, you don't you're an international airport. If it was a domestic airport, domestic terminal,

you're absolutely allowed to be like, alright, fucking some of us are Muslims here. An international airport, shove your beliefs up your hoop and get me a double fucking whiskey but they wouldn't even serve us fucking booze on the plane

until we took off they're like we can't do it until the plane's out yeah see my beliefs why do they not get tolerated I believe it's fine to drink

June Ramadan I need June Ramadan I believe that if you cut off your curly Sideboards You'd look better I've got these beliefs That contradict

Other people's beliefs Yep And we can all live together In harmony It's fine Just you Just you don't drink and eat Uh huh

You believe in the afterlife That's why you're not Drinking right now Right Because you're like You know what I've got this forever Why would I need to be drunk

I'm an atheist baby I'm doing half of this half cut Aye I'll have alcohol I'll have beef burgers I'll have bacon sandwiches I believe that when I die

And my wife dies And my parents die And you die And my son I'm never going to see Any of them again Never going to see That makes me sad every day

Drink baby Drink I drink between the moments Before You know And also transit man Like Nothing makes Layovers And delay Nothing makes me I drink between the moments before you know and also transit man like nothing makes

layovers and delay nothing makes me more tolerable tell you what had I been drunk on the Munich flight probably would have

probably would have let that guy recline probably would have introduced myself to that guy that actor be like hey how you doing I'm also a fucking wanker oh so

just quickly reclining your seat on an airline for I almost want a fucking wine can. Oh, so just quickly, reclining your seat on an airline on less than a three-hour flight is three points on your license. Here's another one. And it's very important. If you get into a car and do not immediately put your seatbelt on,

three points. Oh, yeah, the peeping. Oh, my God. First of all, we're all adults. None of us are teenagers anymore. So nobody finds not putting seatbelts on cool. So we just grow up. We're not trying to impress our 12-year-old fucking date

on the way to the cinema while our dad drives us in a fucking Peugeot and we're like, I'm a hard man. And you've got to wait for your dad to be like, put fucking Peugeot and we're like I'm a hard man and you've got to wait for your dad to be like put your seatbelt on and you're like ugh whatever

it's about as cool as riding your bike with no handlebars yeah just like doing it as like a 30 year old really lame

put your fucking seatbelt on immediately and do not let everyone else in the car who's sensible and doesn't take weird gratification from that happens listen to the beep beep beep beep and then it escalates in my car it adds there's the

beep beep and then there's like a woo woo woo gets added to it like it cranks up the hostility on the seat belt beep and sometimes i'll still hear people like flapping around in the back like looking for it and I'm like it's a belt the belt's there and the thing's there like every car I put man

anyone anyone in my digging around looking for it for just it should just be such second nature to whack your belt in

unless like unless you know when you're wedged up next to each other and you're like oh sorry about your bum not touching you up here and all that

there's a bit of that but you can absolutely do that before you pull away. Oh, man. Like, I've got the key in the ignition and fucking started the car. Even my own wife, right,

if we're late for something, which often happens when you have a child in your life and you're trying to get it somewhere, even if we're late for something, right,

we rush in the car. If I pull out the driveway and her seatbelt's on and I hear the beep, I will pull over and fucking stare at her. She's like, what are you doing?

We're already late. And I'm like, yeah, yeah yeah and you know what does it make being late better constant fucking beeping a fucking a background countdown put your seatbelt on and we can drive in fucking silent treatment which I've rightfully earned by delaying us next time and by we I mean

you you've delayed us 30 seconds I'll always this is like a dad joke that I've cracked a million times I'll always tell people to lift their joke that I've cracked a million times I'll always tell people to lift their bum off the seat like is it you couldn't lift your weight off the seat could you there's a little handle by the door if you just pull your hand up and lift your bum off the seat

it just stops that noise it's the only way I know how to get that noise to stop it's the only oh fuck me I I this is a weird connection but bear with me

back when Pokemon Go was good right back in the early days before we realised that it was Vegas 2016 yeah yeah yes

when you and Matty were cutting around Vegas looking for Pokemon yep yep yeah and we found some really good ones

there was a feature if you were in somebody's car and you were playing Pokemon Go and you were driving around just catching things, they'd be like, hey man, we're a GPS system

and you're going 45 miles an hour. Please don't drive your car while playing Pokemon Go and you can have a I'm the passenger in the car button. All cars need to, when it goes beep, beep, beep, seatbelt going,

it's luggage, it's shopping, it's something else. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, it's shopping, man. it's something else beep beep beep beep it's shopping man I just it's a fucking nappy bag I got there

my son's sleeping shut the fuck up shut the fuck up man it's just a nappy bag there's not enough room in the well because there's a birthday cake down there

because I'm on my way to a fucking party it's just luggage you bastard we had one that was the other way around where Brucey who's a big lad was in the car and I was like yeah why is that not beeping yeah I'm gonna belt out normally beeps he was

like must think I'm a wardrobe or smug he's thinking I'm a bit of furniture like you're moving around so you had you had your little injury in altitude, and on the final day of the festival, I nearly had one too, in fact. I kind of... I said fight to my bum, Daniel. Oh, I saw this video. But it wasn't my bum that got injured. The toilet roll never reached my bum.

No. It burned all of the hair off the back of my calf, and you could smell it, like, backstage. It turns out there's a technique to Andy Smart's party trick Well you're going to have to give people way more I'm going to give you the context Good friend of ours

I say good friend of ours right This is mad because I don't have Andy Smart's number Not that it would be any use now But I hang around with Andy Smart Somewhere between three and six times a year. Yeah. And then three to six times,

it's over the course of a good week or a month and it's intense and we see each other fucking everywhere and we party hard. So not one of them relationships that you're constantly watering

in WhatsApp groups, but one of them relationships where you just trust they're going to be there and all of a sudden he's not there anymore he died of he died of lifestyle abuse

yeah which I always found to be and too soon after he got his teeth done oh man that gorgeous they couldn't get knocked over after a haircut there

Andy Smart was the one of the friendliest, smiliest people in the world. The best man. He was just always so happy and so joyous. And even the way he knew this, he had fucking awful teeth. He had those old school like alcoholic,

up and smoking since I was 13 teeth, where like the top bits in the gums were thinner. Receded, yeah. Yeah, receding sort of thing. And you always saw them because he was never not smiling and he was never not fucking laughing, right? And it was just one of the things that made him like, just a joy to fucking be around.

And then eventually one day he went, you know what, fuck it. Like, I'm getting them done. And he did. And it just, I mean, not that he needed it but just, it made his already contagious smile fucking,

you know, big Aaron White, Aaron Brighter. Yeah, yeah, and you didn't go, oh yeah, I forgot you had

fucking those things. He just, and he had his hair cut, like, you got really fucking handsome in like his last six months. Yeah, I guess he had long,

he had kind of long like scraggly hair, didn't he? and then he just went, when we saw him in Galway he had his teeth done He said it was nice And all that

I was like Fucking Andy Smart Yeah Just two people For this world in the end So he He Like

We had this running joke Where every time I saw him I'd be like Oh thank god You're still alive That means I've got time That means I'm gonna be alright Me and Daniel and Mark Nelson

Like the fucking lads That are right behind you by half a generation yeah we're gonna be fine and he was like yep i'm your canary down the main when you go when i go you've got to start to worry that's only funny if you don't die yeah i i think it's funny joke if you then like the canary down the mail dies and also like oh fuck gas gas, fuck, gas. We've hit gas. We're all going to die. So I get up and sit down. Is that why they do the canary down the middle? The canary is going to die before people do.

I thought it was just for company. For government secrets. Canary, stop singing, man. Better run. So I get up and I'm just cracking a couple of jokes. I tell that little story. I talk about anybody who's been

to the festival before. You'll know that Andy Smart is always on the app risky doing the improv and everybody this year found out that he did all the heavy lifting and just like jokes,

you know, trying to make light. One of the jokes to make light was and he'd come to every single show at the festivals and he'd always to every single show at the festivals, and he'd always tell the younger comedians

that he thinks comedy's in safe hands. And then Elliot Steele and Ryan Collins started coming to the festivals, and he just stopped saying it. So I'm just cracking little jokes, trying to make light. And I put in fit and tribute, and he's smart.

I'm going to try and do his party trick. He does every year at Altitude Festival, the last gig of the festival's called the called the clown hole and every comedian that wants to gets up and does five minutes of whatever the like we've gotten up before and done your dad jokes from the podcast and everybody around if you've got a little bit of material left you may do that or you may like paul and laurie sm Smith went up and like start telling them reasons why they loved each other, but everything was passive aggressive. It was really funny.

So everybody just does something a little bit different. And me and Amy or sister Mary Lou from, Oh my God, it's the church. Amy B Sting, Amy B Sting got up and we stood on crates because he is taller than us was was, we We made a fuse Used to be six foot Now he's six foot under He just said his new echo Yeah

He made a fuse Out of toilet roll And he wedged And it bit up his arse And the other bit Touched on the ground He sat on fire And he was only allowed

To pull the fuse Out of his bum Once he downed his pint So we get on the things Emmanuel Put the toilet roll up and he was only allowed to pull the fuse out of his bum once he downed his pint. So we get on the things, Emmanuel put the toilet roll up my ass, and then Kate downed Amy's, and then they brought each a pint.

Well, they brought Amy a pint, and they brought me a pitcher. It was rigged. The game was rigged all along. I was set up to fail, and I'm downing in this picture Amy just emptied her pint over her tits

took the fuse out of her arse the tribute's just about yeah of course about doing the thing but I was like I'm actually gonna give this a go

you know what when you're digging these party tricks you think like nothing can go wrong otherwise they just wouldn't let us do it yeah

you've not been to Arlington health and safety I don't think there. Health and safety. I don't think there's health and safety in venues and places like that, right? Also, I don't know if you know this, but we made pretty fucking sure that the Austrians stopped acting like Nazis

about things. So, what Carpenter told us after the fact is that I'm pretty sure Andy Smart Used to like Point his bum out And like Kind of

Put a 45 degree arch Really down the pint So that his bum Made a clear run To the floor I just let mine Just come up The back of me legs

And I just felt The back of me legs Going on fire And I fucking Poured the pitch out Like Doing me arse Over the fire

And the fire Stood on the floor And I'm jumping Running Got a sock On me cock Back of me legs All black Off the leg hairs I was like doing my arse over the fire and the fire's still on the floor and I'm jumping and running. Got a sock on me cock, backing me legs up black off the leg hairs, you fucking stench leg hair. So I anyway, I'm better. I guess Andy Smart done it once or twice before he got it right.

It's what I'm saying, but I was also nearly cremated in tribute to Andy Smart. We were backstage and I think it was the first or the second day at the late show and I was with Paul and Laurie and Ian Coppinger and Keris and Elms and Coppinger ends up telling this really

beautiful story just about the Andy Smart charity gig that they'd done recently just to raise money for I don't know if it was his family or a charity that he was, he bows down in the name of Andy Smart. He tells this story. It's nice.

We all fucking laugh. We all take a moment to sort of reflect two seconds, three seconds past. And I just went, charity gig for Andy Smart? Why?

What's wrong with him? And Paul Smith again sniffs, went, no. About to break it there. kick for Andy Smart why what's wrong with him and Paul Smith and Kieran Snipes went no about to break it there they thought they were about to

break the news to you that he died fucking Ian Carpenter was killing himself and when I told Frosty about it he was like and eh Steve

it was so funny when they were asking Ian Carpenter to do the fuse because he was like I'm three foot. I'm so short. He's such a short man. Because he would, I think Cockeridge would be considered a dwarf if his head was a bit bigger.

Yeah, he's a short man. Fucking funny fucker though. He tells a story about when him and Andy Smart Smart both hid waiting to jump out on each other and thinking that the other one was coming, but they were both hiding waiting to jump out of each other for uncomfortably long. And then one of them made a noise. They both jumped out. They both got afraid.

Andy Smart would have loved Alan Pardew. Oh yeah. What am I? Alan, Andy Smart would have loved Alan Pardew Alan Pardew is going to be on the special When it's released soon I've already mentioned it on the last episode But I'll tell people again The last episode he was on it This is going to come out Before the episode with Alan Pardew on So it's like I'm teasing

I'm letting people know that that's happening because that's ready when it's ready this will be out tomorrow

what a lovely humble and funny man he was he was great wasn't he aye I know there's a bit of a dark

cloud when he came into Newcastle United and a bit of a dark cloud when he left but he gave us a fantastic season

and after meeting him lovely guy aye yeah can't pull off those sunglasses though but yeah he wasn't Give us a fantastic season And after meeting him Lovely guy Aye Aye Can't pull off those sunglasses though But yeah He wasn't sure

How I was going to be with him When I was Geordie Because like I think he's Like a lot of managers Are a little bit like Unless you've had like A spell where you're a hero

Like an Alex Ferguson Or whatever There's normally a bit of a Like reason why you left Oh I think it's George Burley let me just double check

make sure I've got that fucking name right I would I would absolutely chin who?

George Burley oh there's the fuck does he manage out Scotland or something? he's the one that played

the famous 4-6-0 formation in a must-win game for us. Okay. I fucking despise. He could come on this podcast, be the funniest guest we'd ever had, and I'd still chip him. Yeah. 100%.

How fucking dare you? A must-win game, 4-6-0. Man, we've all had a bad gig. No. Cut him some slack. Absolutely., we've all had a bad gig. Nah. Cut him some slack. Absolutely, I'll fucking cut it from his neck.

But he was great, he'd come to every single show man. It was funny, when I was driving in there, I was listening to Spurs versus Nottingham Forest,

and they mentioned at half time that he was coming out to do the punditry after the thing And I was like He's straight back To the

Talks board I wonder if he mentions it I wonder if Slusman Humphries On the road gets a shout out He He Was on that podcast With the confidence of a man

That thought nobody's Going to listen to this Yeah And he was 100% correct I don't know if you've Heard much about the Scottish hate laws hate speech laws that have come into

play since the 1st of April Oh on April Fool's Day Yeah well so I mean I've not done too much research on it but you know when you're just the problem with the ongoing culture war and the fact that like 99% of news organisations

have just picked a side and that's what they're going to take their stance they're going to talk about their own fucking stance and everyone, I mean you can predict what both Owen Jones thinks about something and Tucker Carlson does, yeah just instantly

based on alright I know nobody actually has their own opinions you showed us the work and the thought process we know which side you're on they're all they're all

they're all shells they're all even fucking you're a shell you make money from being left wing now so it's within your interest to just be

I thought he had quite a strong start into the world as well did he read Chav the demonisation of the working class no

it was actually a fucking really good book I'm sure that was him when he was younger but now he just knows what sells and leans into it yeah

it's just where the wind blows yeah and it's just stopped being so like I heard so much about the Scottish hate speech laws coming into play

because a bunch of Scottish comedians pardon me were talking about it but then like i was reading an article today and it was just going you know people like joe rogan have already come out against it so even i'm guilty of it i'm like oh so i'm for it then yeah like like that's just something i if joe rogan who does less research than i do on everything which is now the situation you find yourself in

that is like, you might want to agree with someone that's correct in a certain thing, but you hate them so much that you just want to be contrary. Yeah. Well, no, I try my best not to be. I try to be like, okay,

like, first of all, whenever you read anything, go, right, what source is this from? Is it a right-wing or a left-wing thing? And if it is from a right-wing thing, still read the fucking article. But just make sure that you Google the same story and find a left-wing publisher or a central one and then get like the it's your job to paint the whole picture for yourself now and the best way to do that is to read the same news story from three separate sources

that's how i try to and then don't set yourself up in a fight when you're discussing it with people because you've chose your stance because it's part of the fucking. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like anybody that like gets fought, like fed their narrative. Yeah. And then gets mad when you don't agree with it. You're like, I don't believe you've even read past the heading.

Yeah. Of the clickbait. So here's the problem I have with the Scottish hate speech laws. Everyone I hate and everyone I disagree with thinks they're awful. And some very far right-wing group has, since the thing came into play, just started up a wee telegram group and has just gone, just phone Police Scotland every five minutes and report hate crimes that aren't hate crimes. It's such a stupid law. It's such a violation of freedom of speech. Now, here's why they're being right wing about it.

They're going on the Scottish Police website and they're being like, you know, they'll find the statistics that show that this one is being pulled out of my arse because I can't remember the statistic. Don't fucking quote me on this. This is purely... Get your news from the news. Don't fucking quote me on this. This is purely... Get your news from the news. Yeah. But there's one bit where it's like...

No, don't. On the Police Scotland website, it says something like, oh, you know, 40 to 50% of domestic abuse in Scotland is perpetuated by white men between the ages of 18 and 36, right? This far right-wing groups be like,

oh, that's hate speech, that's going after straight white men, so let's report Police Scotland for that and just waste police resources about this really awful stupid hate crime law and as much as I'm sitting there going I'm fucking, I'm centre left, I fucking hate

everyone this article is quoting who's against this fucking thing I'm like I'm like I'm okay with it like I hey, everyone this article is quoting who's against this fucking thing. It's pretty funny. I think I'm okay with it. Yeah. Like, because here's the thing, like, I think it's important to stamp out fucking hate speech,

but like by the sense of the thing, the law is so broad. What they were trying to do is- It's so funny. I've just wondered, there's just pictures of you getting handcuffed and put into the police van because of the stuff you said about left-handed people. Oh, here's the thing. Hate speech laws

need to be in place, I believe, for Twitter doesn't sort itself out, Facebook doesn't sort itself out, all of the racists that were on Twitter and are bored to know just on Instagram, that's why Instagram's suddenly becoming very toxic and therefore

very funny. I do think it's, i think there needs to be really harsh consequences for knowingly and willingly spreading disinformation online because i think it's the one of the biggest threats to democracy in the modern world it's just the fact that people are like something bad happens the Baltimore Bridge crash right Baltimore Bridge crash happened nobody knew what happened and people were like it's ISIS it's the left it's this it's Hamas it's fucking it's it's Joe Biden doing it to stop this port and it's blah blah blah all this stuff to like all these conspiracies these people just get to spout shit which there's no evidence of what there is evidence of is the fact that five minutes before it hit the bridge the person driving the boat went mayday mayday the boat's fucked we're

about to hit the fucking bridge and that's why zero cars were on the fucking boat not zero but like very few things actually happened and also if it's terrorist attack it would happen at fucking 12 midday and nothing would happen but all these people who just spread this fucking shit, which people will read a headline about something fucking awful and never update their opinion afterwards. These people who knowingly and willingly put this information out, I think there absolutely should be consequences for. What's his face got consequences, didn't he?

Eventually, Alex Jones, about his... I mean, he's not had to fucking pay for any of them has he not he's not paid a single penny I thought he got done for causing spreading hate

about the families of the Sandy Hook yeah yeah I mean he was I think his bill was something close

to a hundred million but he's not paid a fucking penny oh really how is that how is that when like we cannot get away we're not paid a fucking penny Oh really No How do you not How is that Have you How is that when like We cannot get away

With not paying a parking ticket Because he is a Millionaire So And he just doesn't pay it out of that Yep He's paid it No no no

No no no No he's not paid it Oh he's just managed to Get lawyers to Find loopholes To win his way out of it Ugh Mm

So it just cost him A fraction of that on lawyers. Yeah. Yeah. Ugh. Yeah. So, like, here's the thing.

The game's rigged. Like, I think there needs to be absolutely consequences for saying vile and hateful things in public

to inspire hatred. Because here's the thing you're allowed to not have hate speech laws if education is free and excellent right you're allowed to go out and preach whatever evil you want if the average person is educated

to such a degree that they've been trained to spot misinformation critical thinking all this stuff but we're not so therefore you don't really like like there has there has to be some sort of consequences and also hate speech isn't comedy and it's not art like uh and also i think most of the time we are good at telling what people's actually intent is like you know i know the difference between somebody a poor poor example that i'm pulling out my arse when kanye west wore the white lives matter or i think i'm with white lives matter all lives matter stuff and he wore a red maga fucking hat like i

will agree that that was art mis Misguided art, stupid art, done by a clinically stupid man. No, not well. No, yeah. But it's art. I don't agree with it. I think I missed the mark. But stinky, stinky art, still fucking art.

There's a difference between that and somebody writing the N-word 4,000 times on a wall and being like, it's art. So it's not hate speech it's art we're like motherfucker i know what you're doing i know what you're doing i'm not an idiot i do wish there was you know what i could never get used to the ambient swastikas in india right because because they had it first and they're not letting go of it and i guess they were too far from the action

of let it get into that social conscience as much as it has ours but uh they the peace sign right i don't know if it's a piece but it's a it's a religious symbol of sorts a religious symbol and like i don't care what people say it was the correct way for the i was looking at them going now that's the way of the swastika you know how they're saying if it's the other way no you know it's the yeah it was the correct it was the that's the correct way the way that you would do

a swastika mind you like the nazis turned that peace sign into the swastika sign they also like this is the thing the dumbest americans

in the world will fucking tell you be like the nazis were a socialist party you go no no

the nazis call themselves socialists there's a difference between being something and saying you are something. I've had that thrown in my face where I was talking about socialism

and they're like, Putin's a socialist. And I'm like, oh, come on, man. No, he's not. Shut up, man. All right, right. So the one bit of propaganda you do believe is the bit where he's like, I'm not a communist.

He says he's a communist. Well, he's like um i'm not a cop he says he says he's a communist but um so what what thing would you love like if you if there's an atrocity which we don't want to happen but if the atrocity did happen what thing would you like to take with them to take with it like you know if you know like if kim jong-un pressed the button wearing a onesie, Crocs on. And the North Koreans all started wearing Crocs. If every bomb dropped on Gaza, I said, live, laugh, love. And live, laugh, love just become that. Yeah, that's okay.

What do I fucking... What would you like to be seen taken out by wave atrocity? I'll tell you what. Hashtag be kind. Hashtag be kind Hashtag be kind I want to be To become Like they have the same Gravitas as final solution

Absolutely Man And I've griped about this Fucking before You only ever see Please be kind to our staff Posters In places

Where they know The staff are awful At their fucking jobs. I've never been in a Michelin star restaurant where they're like, please be kind to our staff. Well, I'm going to be

because they're super polite and they're very good at what they do. It's always the train line. It's always somewhere that's short changing a customer. Yeah. Yeah.

Or, or awful staff. Schiphol Airport is covered, covered with police becoming to our staff because none of them can do their fucking jobs. Yeah, I tell you what though, the last couple of times in the last week

that I went through, they definitely had a good system for how shit they are. They're like, oh, we're shit. These queues are bananas. But if you are about to miss your flight, we've got a queue for you. And your I'm gonna miss me flight we've got a queue for you and

yeah yeah um i'm gonna miss me flight ticket gets you a fast track queue now which they never used to have i don't know that's good because the amount of times i've been in that queue just gone and then other people are pushing past each other and it just becomes a bit chaos uh so that said that's gonna get as soon as people click on that's gonna happen nobody's gonna join that big-ass queue anymore. They're all just going to go and shop and have a pint and then run up to the queue, jump a queue if you lay a ticket. It's a gamble, but it's a gamble that, in my experience,

would absolutely save you an hour queuing. First of all, you do not get to do customs in an airport. Mid-airport. Mid-airport. Just have better security everywhere. You do not get to be like hey man you're gonna have to do customs

before you go through what I'm not but I'm not gonna be in Germany at any point I'm going to Germany to fucking go to America to have to go through our customs just do it at the other end

fuck off the only reason I'm cool with that is because I feel like they're doing it to fuck us off like alright it's fine it's only gonna happen to you guys. Oh, but is that right, though? Like, if...

Because they're getting everybody else. Anybody that's visited Britain. Oh, no, no. From Germany and visited Britain has had to do that as well. It wasn't just the Brits. No. So they've gotten everyone. So it's not just a fuck you to Brexit.

No, no, it's not a Brexit thing. No, no, no. And pre-Brexit existed. Skibull's been shit since it was Done Pre-Brexit we had Check in in Europe Absolutely

And we did Passport stamp and that I don't think we did Oh I'm fairly fucking confident We did Well was it just that We went through the Easy scanners

Yeah but that's still It's still That's still That's the customer Yeah I'm just saying You don't get to do any If I'm not going If your country is transit

I don't have to do your customs Ah that's Just have better security All the way around the fucking airport And stop us getting out It is a constant panic When you fly from Britain To anywhere in Europe

Connect But then again When you connect within Europe It's fine When you connect within Europe It's fine When you connect Within Europe It's alright It's us

Yeah It's us But by proxy them Because they're getting it On the way to Britain also Aye I do wish We did fuck it up

We Well yeah I mean It wasn't my vote Yeah but it's her fucking Yeah but also We didn't fucking vote for it Because we were at Glastonbury

I know I still Didn't forgive myself for that Yeah and I don't forgive Anyone that were at Glastonbury. I know. I still didn't forgive myself for that. Yeah, and I don't forgive anyone that was at Glastonbury. And I don't forgive any of the... Man, I will bitch and piss and moan about how bad the right wing in this country... Here's one thing I'll say about the right wing in this country.

They're organised as fuck. No, no. They're not the right wing of America. They're not going to Glastonbury. That's a whole population of people who mostly didn't vote. Because there wasn't a voting Station in Glastonbury Aye

Everyone fucking Singing oh Jeremy Corbyn And not fucking Voting Useless fucking work I hate the left In this country Well I hate the left

In America more But They're useless The left suck ass I don't think They can run a country I don't think They should be allowed to run a country I like their ideas

But their execution's bad man Aye Yeah God We really do You really do just need a fucking What you need Is you need a really centre party

Right That's just gonna be like Takes ideas from the left And is organised like the right Yeah Oh no And takes ideas from the fucking right. But as much as we fucking hate to admit it, right,

something does need to be done in terms of making immigration, and I say this in both America and the UK, a fairer and better process, right? Illegal immigration, regardless of how fucking left-wing you are, is a problem. Do we need to take responsibility

for the fact that the reason there are so many immigrants and refugees is because we're funding wars in other countries absolutely that falls on us we have a moral and ethical responsibility to take in Syrians and Afghans and and fucking Haitian and every country we've ever fucking meddled with we have a moral and ethical responsibility to take those people in what where that moral should go is we should just make the country better as opposed to being like fucking we're going to fund this cunt here to fuck all this shop but illegal immigration does legitimately take jobs away from not only hard-working people who are nationals but hard-working legal immigrants like

legal people that have come over for their fair fucking process. Like legal immigration is a bad, bad thing and needs to be fucking not stopped, not nixed, not bombing boats, not stopping them coming over. There needs to be a fairer and better fucking process for it. So you need a centre party to be like,

right, we are going to have to be not Nazis about this, but we're going to have to be a little bit stricter. We can't be your fucking 80 fading, let's let them all sort of thing. But also,

every single one of you right wing cunts who's like, they've got to fucking speak our language. They've got to fucking fuck off. Oh, get the fuck.

We're not doing any of your shit. Non-empathy having cunts as well. And I feel like, I feel like both, well, maybe not, maybe not so much the UK now. America is desperate, is desperate for some cunt well i feel like i feel like both america well maybe not maybe not so much the uk now america

is desperate is desperate for some cunt to just come in down the middle and go i hate both joe biden and donald trump and they'd be like oh man well fuck that's it you're the guy but they've got a two-party system so that'll never fix itself i feel like because i think that's what happened in the pendulum swinging just seems to make it more and more extreme itself. I feel like, because I think that's what happened in... The pendulum swinging just seems to make it more and more extreme every election. I feel like it's getting less extreme now in the UK.

I think that was the most extreme swing between left and right was Boris Johnson, Jeremy Corbyn. We never had Jeremy Corbyn. No, in the election. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we've never...

Yeah, but we've never... Because I can't get... We've never gone that far left, though. We've only ever gone as far left as fucking warmonger fucking Tony Blair, war criminal himself. That was... And then fucking race traitor Gordon Brown.

And that actually fucking lost them everything, didn't it? Because he lost Scotland. Yeah. Lost Scotland over Gordon Brown influencing Brexit. And then everyone was like right fuck it which would all be making an influence

here and voting for Labour and now we're voting SNP and want independence and he's wanted independence before Brexit I'm the worst person

to talk to with politics I got engaged in politics for a couple of years back and like before the lockdown

and I hated everybody I hated everybody I hated everybody that I spoke to and I like now I live the life of a dog just eating

wags me tail going for walks that's the way it be man like I listen to and I hate the fact that I am this because I never thought I would be this person

when I was fucking 25 20 or even fucking you know 29 I listen to three political podcasts a day I read

I read two newspapers every fucking morning and when I say read newspapers and I bet you someone like Ryan Cullen will still argue with you like nah it's better because he's read

a clickbait headline that's me fucking night. That's what would kill us. I would be having conversations with people. I remember, I remember talking to me man and dad about the manifestos for quite some time. Yeah.

Right? And it just started to sink in that they hadn't read any of them. Right. And then I put them to bed. I was like, have you read any of them? They were like, no. I was like, not even the one you're voting for that you're big of them. Right. And then I put them to bed I was like have you read any of them? They were like no. I was like not even the one

you're voting for that you're picking on. Right. Because I've read that one as well and we can talk about it if you've read it. I've read Both Benefits.

They played it like they'd read it and then I turned it out they hadn't and I'm like why are you arguing with us about a film you haven't seen?

You're like this isn't a democracy. It's not if we're not all if we're not all educated to the same's not if we're not all if we're not all educated to the same fucking degree and we're not all getting our news

from a fair fucking source this is not a democracy that we live in like it's the illusion of a democracy or it does mind nothing and I'll get

fucking wound up right and I'll do that thing where I'll listen to something left and I'll be like right you've gotta

you've gotta go the other way. You've got to consume something right wing because whether it's to challenge the perspective you already have or at least find out what the people who you disagree with believe because nobody believes they're a bad person deep down. And you think they're voting for the right reasons. Yeah, so obviously the best way to convert anyone

is never to yell at them. Yelling at people feels good feels nice has never fixed a single problem ever in the fucking world unless it resulted in the murder at the end of that and I don't really consider that fixing a problem I just think it's you know ending an argument

I just I get so wound up and I'll come upstairs and Cara who does not give a fucking shit about anything, I'll be like, oh man, I can't understand why the Republicans are the way they are. She's like, yeah, but Joe Biden's president. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, but the Republicans of the Senate,

but not the House to be fair, but they're probably going to lose the House if Joe Biden wins the thing, which means if he even gets a fucking second term that he'll not be able to get any of his things to it and the reason they don't want it

and she's like does this make you happy and I'm like no she's like does it make you feel in control and I'm like no she's like why

why are you doing this what happens is we have a great day together with our son and then she takes him up to bed and I clean the house and you go

so angry frantically by the way they're running the world something you've got no influence over but you want to be We're greatly together with our son. And then she takes him up to bed. And I clean the house. You're going to get so angry. Frantically. By the way, they're running the world. Something you've got no influence over. But you want to be informed because it's your job to commentate on the world. But not even to commentate on. I just feel like you have, like, look, I believe that you can change people's minds in good ways by challenging them. I don't think you have a responsibility to,

well, no, I do think you have a responsibility to do it. I couldn't get over how many people's minds were made up with such limited information and you had no influence. People who you think had some respect for you, you would have no sway over their opinion. By going out and doing shit tons of research and then coming back with

information that like should influence them but doesn't i couldn't believe how steadfast everybody i knew was you know there was a great big scientific study that was found and i think i've said this on the podcast before but it is a fact that people who say do your own research do the least research yeah no shit no shit you're kidding me because what they'll do what they consider research is is finding the thing they want yeah good they found my opinion they found the thing they wanted that fits their narrative and went there is the research that i've done that's enough like all of these things are contradicted i'm not going's enough like all of these things are contradicted i'm not going to sit through all that and find out which one's right the truth

which is research and that's what it is i'm going to get this bit of information isolated from the rest of the information and present it to you as you didn't do enough research to find this that being said i will say i definitely have not done my full research on the scottish hate speech laws yeah and I do need to do more all I did was read two articles today and go it's weird that I find the right wing troll and also the right wing trolls doing it are the worst people

they are neo-nazis they are far right people who want this law to not exist so they can say transphobic things so they can say the n-word so that they can be anti-Islamist like I don't agree with them in any way what their opinions are but when it comes to

yeah yeah yeah but their methods always to be admired which is my same stance on the holocaust I couldn't have pulled that off no no I don't agree with the target of the holocaust

but I do agree I truly believe if you were to give me five years what a feat if you were to give me five years I could find six million people

who should actually die and I could make the world a better place by getting rid of them they're not all the same race they're not all the same gender they're not all the same religion they're not all the same should actually die and I could make the world a better place by getting rid of them. They're not all the same race. They're not all the same gender. They're not all the same religion.

They're not all the same caste. They're not all the same capability. They're not all the same age. I could come up with 6 million fucking people who I'm like, if we were to get rid of these ones, 3 million of them are Russian. I don't think, I don't think I could get it.

I don't think I have the organisational skills get I don't think I have the organizational skills to do that to do that with ants don't do at least the trains ran on time no no no

I don't think I could have done it with like in any like not just not just people but like you know if you go right

right we've got to kill six million ants yeah using all your reach and power and influence yeah kill a couple of frozen ants.

Yeah. I'd have to find out where they live. Yeah. Have you ever, oh, it's going completely fucking left to field here, right? Have you ever seen, like, they wanted to find out, I can't remember where in the world this is, I can't remember where in the world this is they wanted to find out how big ant colonies

were in terms of underground just like the scope of like the tunnels and everything right there's this video we're going to find out they pour, they find an anthill and they just pour

liquid cement down in it and they just pour liquid cement down in it, and they just keep pouring it down like they're feeding a fucking goose meat to make... Frog water. Not meat, sorry, grain and everything. They just start pouring all of the cement in, and they're like, oh, my God, I can't believe it. We're using bags and bags of cement.

We're using tons and tons of cement, way more than they ever thought they'd ever have to fucking use. And they thought it would only take them a couple couple of days to like dig it up and excavate. It ends up taking them like almost a month to excavate this thing. And they pull this thing out of the ground eventually. And it is massive. It is huge. It's this giant bit of natural art, all these tunnels. And I'm like, did you move the ants?

I've changed I've changed my thing I reckon I probably could a couple of bags of cement I reckon I could probably get six million ants or did you just do Aunt Vesuvius?

no no no Pompeii Pompeii my favourite Bastille song Which fall I know Because I don't know much Pompeii wasn't the name of the volcano was it It's the name of the town

It could well have been That'll make me feel less stupid That'll make me feel way less fucking stupid Pompeii Volcano please be Please be a smart man Fucking yes It is Vesuvius Pompeii volcano please be please be a smart man please be fucking yes

it is Vesuvius you were still correct because I got the name of the thing but yeah I think this concludes our podcast but we are going to

instantly hit record again and answer your questions from the Patreon anybody who subscribes to our Patreon thank you if you do if you're in the same seats tier or the dad tier

you get the right to a question every time we do a Q&A and some of you have pitched them in oh and there will to our Patreon, thank you if you do if you're in the same seats tier or the dad tier you get the right door question every time we do a Q&A and some of you have pitched them in. Oh and there will be an advert halfway through this but just to the best way you can support this podcast at the moment apart from obviously

being a patron but even if you don't want to be a patron even if you're like hey man the quality of this thing is not good enough, 70% of this podcast is just you bitching about airports and hotel staff and I don't know if I want the private version of that yet if you want something that benefits you and gives you a good experience for x money supporting Thistley Cross and buying Thistley Cross by using our code on their website within the UK makes us look very very good to them and lets them know that we have reach that we told them that we had and in the past

couple of months you guys have been way better and we're very very grateful we know you've been enjoying the whisky we know you've been pardon me sending and tagging us in all your purchases please continue to do that there is a new code for April Thistley Sloss

April all capital letters Thistley Sloss April all capital letters yeah all capital letters Thistley Sloss April you can buy any order on Thistley Cross dot go to UK including the ones

that you've seen me drink all this episode which is the I know we're not made to have fucking favourites but it's categorically the fucking best one it's unbelievable

it's unbelievable like and I've been drinking like whenever I'm doing clean up and carries upstairs I'll just have I'll just have a, just while I'm listening to my podcast, just trying to fucking calm myself down about the death of democracy.

I'll go to the Summer Fruits, I'll go to the Elderflower, I'll go to the original and the traditional. They're all good. Well, you know what it is? When I found a box, because this is the one I get the least of, because whenever we get the stock in Everyone fucking takes these boxes away There's quite a range on the alcohol volume of them as well Oh yeah, yeah, yeah

Anywhere from 3.3 to 6.7 on this Yeah, so that's why I reached for that one Oh no, it's the best flavour I don't know how much I'm allowed to talk about the alcohol content Oh no, as long as you're doing responsibly Then you're allowed to talk about The alcohol content Oh no as long as You're doing responsibly Then you're allowed To talk about it As long as you're not

We can't be like You can get If you're driving To this podcast Yeah yeah If you're driving To this in Scotland You can't drink anything

At all Even the day before So don't bother So yep Go subscribe if you want But definitely go Drink some Thistley Cross And I'll see you

Well we're going to do it in five minutes But you'll get it in like three or four days Or no, if you listen to it on Public Channel You'll get it tomorrow Alright, see you then, Kans You can probably just get it now