Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Bad Coochie Breath

Episode Date: May 2, 2024

Muggins and Cream finally get around to your (sorry it's late) podcast after indulging themselves in a trip to Magic Kingdom and Universal Studios while touring through Florida with family Sloss. Daniel frowns upon the pre-nup, Kai recounts being humiliated because of thrush, the pair fall victim to capitalist karma. #29   Improve the contents of your fridge with delicious cider from our partner Thistly Cross using your 10% off discount code. Enjoy! www.thistlycrosscider.co.uk Discount Code: THISTLYSLOSSAPRIL

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Doing that instead of clapping.

I mean, it's a good start. Cheers. Cheers, mate. I think we've had a couple of whiny podcasts, so we should probably start off with some gratitude. I mean, we're in Florida. Here's a place to be happy. Yes.

I have got one or two things to whine about but we'll get there I think it's great we've got to do it in good humour because you would have been howling if

what happened to you today happened to anybody else absolutely 100% if somebody paid for fast track and then the ride broke down just as we got to the front of the queue and we were there for an hour

because that is that is capitalism karma that is because karma that is the smugness as we went past that queue oh you mean past the scum my people you know how much of a fucking race trailer I am when I walk past that non-queue jumper queue

yeah I mean there is I agree with you 100% if it wasn't happening to me it's the funniest thing in the world because rich spoiled people I agree with you 100%. If it wasn't happening to me, it's the funniest thing in the world. Because rich, spoiled people thinking they deserve better treatment because they can afford it. Because they've got more of the tokens that you get for working hard. Even though the people in the queue work harder than us.

At real jobs. At real jobs. At real jobs. I guarantee. That keeps the cops of society down. We were queue-jumping doctors. We were queue-jumping nurses. We were queue-jumping fucking We were queue-jumping nurses We were queue-jumping fucking

Teachers Police officers That have saved up I don't think we skip past any military Because America obviously has that thing of like Hey, we love our military Not to the point where we'll give you Any mental health treatment

We won't keep you off the streets I was about to say no pension but military pensions are legit I'll shut my mouth when I don't know that stuff You know I've brought a towel on the podcast to dab my brow Just in case I say anything offensive I do declare

You can start wearing pearls and I can touch them The cotton stocks have not been fine this summer and I can go to them. The cotton stocks have not been fine this summer. And I gots to tell you, I think it's the new state. I don't know why I then went from slave owner to... To slave. Like the slave getting really invested in the cotton stocks. Like really fucking, man, I'm working hard on this.

I may not be getting paid, but I'm committing to my job. Yeah, I'm working hard on this. I may not be getting paid, but I'm committing to my job. Yeah, I've like, because I don't know about you, but you know, if you work out, do you not have to have like a good 45 minutes before you stop sweating? Yeah, if I'm doing... 45 minutes maybe is an exaggeration, but I knew I had a podcast to do

and I had a shower away before I'd stopped sweating. Yeah. And then you come out of the shower and you just keep on sweating. Yeah, I think that think that's you know the one thing i've always hated about workouts and and this is an absolutely a sign of getting older right and i've felt this way my entire life i felt this way when i played football i felt this way when i fucking played rugby see warm-ups and cool downs don't waste my fucking time i'm not i'm not warming up to do something that's gonna warm me up and i'm not cooling down when i can just chill was my attitude forever and then

like now i mean obviously not now but when i get home when i go through my like my peloton phases i'm the same i sweat for so half an hour afterwards and if I just did what Peloton recommends or sorry not even Peloton any person who understands how the human body works they're like hey man once you've done excess amount of exercise

just stretch your muscles a bit let your body go down regulate your breathing and I'm like no fucking way

immediately done you're there like I'm not going to preheat the oven like the oven's going to be hot anyway I'm just going to preheat the oven like the oven's going to be hot anyway I'm just going to put the food in and heat up

with the oven that's you but with your own body yeah fucking partially cooked chicken as a body also look

I'm not I'm not a scientist right there's got there's got to be faster ways to preheat at the moment there's no way

I still don't understand the preheating of an oven. Like, what I just said is a joke there. Like, surely putting your food in while the oven gets hot... No, because at different temperatures, chemicals and foods react in different ways, which is the difference between... It's got to be, like, thrown into the hot oven.

Yeah, aye. It can't, like, be casually slowly warmed up. What happens is bacteria breed or something. Oh, I'm not... Well, it obviously depends on what you're cooking, thrown into the hot of it yeah aye it can't like be casually slowly warmed up what happens does bacteria breed or something oh I'm not well it obviously depends on what you're cooking

but I imagine like bread needs to go into a hot fucking thing so that it's into that temperature it reacts if you were to like if you were to put bread in

if I'm just eating like salmon and Mediterranean veg on a tray like just put it in for 25 minutes instead of waiting five minutes

and then putting it in. Like, I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna because I trust the process. I just don't understand the process. I just feel like there should be, what preheating an oven should be now is there should be two, like, mini flame throwers. And all you scientists being like, that is what an oven is, you fucking idiot. I mean, like a jetpack, like, flamethrower. So that preheating the oven isn't just

them going, oh, we're going to warm up as fast as we'd normally warm up. We're going to drop a mini A-bomb in here. Like it's going to get not to 500 in 0.1 second and then we'll stop for a bit and we'll let it get into 220 and then you can stick in the pizza. But you are the most

impatient man on the planet. I'd struggle to think of a more impatient person than know depends on the context um anything where you've got to wait for like a millisecond if it's if i'm waiting because of someone else's incompetence absolutely i'm impatient because i know i and watch me defend this by claiming i'm empathetic, right? I'm empathetic. So when I see you doing your job shitty, I go, oh, I wonder how good I'd be in that job. And then I go, way better. This is how I'd do it.

Everyone would be through this queue faster. Sure, it would be 10% less safe, right? There's probably, me doing airport security, I'm definitely upping the chances that there's a knife and a gun on that plane by 10% because if someone's taking too long I'm like I don't care man fucking go through but I'm not the person that's going to be there

I'm not going to be looking at a pregnant woman holding a child and go can you take your shoes off I'm going to go darling go through like it's okay like you're good New Zealand airport there was one time where we were already late through because the security was so fucking bad and darling, go through. Like, it's okay. Like, you're good. New Zealand airport, there was one time where we were already late through because the security was so fucking bad. And some bitch, and she is a bitch,

went through my son's entire toy bag. Oh, I remember. And took it. And I was like, you're fired. You're never allowed to work in the public sector. You owe me my fast track money back. Oh, that's when I get... Inefficiency.

Anybody that's inefficient, you've got just a zero tolerance policy for inefficiency. Yeah, I have patience for children. I have got all the time in the world for the disabled. Like, you put me in a conversation with someone, if you caveat being like, you're about to talk to somebody that's not all there, I can talk to that person for half an hour 45 if they've got

whether it's like uh their brain doesn't work fast enough that they can't get the thoughts out whether they get distracted maybe they got stutter i've got patients with all that stuff because i'm like that's something you actually can't help and if it's something that somebody cannot help i am patient and understanding any other system where i'm like the reason there is delay here is because someone who should be on universal credit, because they're not smart enough to function in society. They don't have any. Somebody could be doing this job. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Just give it to an immigrant. They're going to do a much better job. Immigrants, they get the job done. Part and reference you won't get. A what reference? Hamlet them.

No, I will talking about patients for disabled people I was you know when we would come through the Jurassic Park themed park

of the Universal Studios adventure whatever it was I got squirted by a son with a hose your man was aiming it and your son was

pressing the button and he's laughing because I'm trying to dodge the water. Yeah. And then I get up there and he's pressing the button. And I'm holding the thing. And this man, like, older man walks through slowly. And I'm aiming it so Caleb can press the button and fire it at the old man, right?

And the man looks less than pleased. And he's asking us to stop. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's asking you to stop from 20 feet away, but 10 feet of height. So for him to come and actually confront you about what you're doing takes him a two-minute walk to get to the area.

Consequence-free bullying. And you're walking through the water fight zone of the park. Consequence-free bullying. So I'm consequence-free bullying this man. I'm like, stop. And I'm like, oh, sorry, sorry. He's pressing the button. I'm aiming it. I'm aiming it sorry sorry he's pressing the button I'm imminent

I'm imminent child's pressing the button and then he was like no no stop my autistic son won't be able to come through

unless the water stops oh I was like oh I thought you were just trying to not get wet

ah okay I thought you were trying to not get wet and anyway where is he I didn't I didn't

where's that fucking where's that fucking gremlin let's see what happens when we make them wet that's how you

make more autistic people eggs start popping out of them no the way you the way you create more autistic people

is you go to a university party like a bunch of university students at one of their drinking parties

and then just loudly talk about how you think that you might have autism or parties and then just loudly talk about how you think that you might have autism or adhd and then watch 25 people under the age of 21 go i also have autism that's how you create wait a minute if you're in the lane everything you're in the lane nothing none of us have autism yeah yeah um so yeah i bullied i bullied a carer yeah i'm saying i accidentally bullied a carer That's what I'm saying I accidentally Bullied a carer

With your son as well Teaching him valuable Life lessons Yeah Yeah Yeah People at water parks Especially in like

Theme parks In Orlando Where Every park you go to Will have some form Of like getting Wet

In it Like Man I get it we live in a time of i've got my mobile phone on me i've got you they've also given me a paper card to get around the fucking park wearing suntan lotion yeah yeah yeah like i really don't want to get wet right now and then you get wet and you're just like ah fuck it i'm wet let's just remember the joy of being a child and stomping in puddles because I went on a log flume with your dad you did

it was really fun we got stuck in the so we went in and God I mean I know I say nice things to my wife on this podcast

quite regularly but fucking bless her today we took a vegan to a steak restaurant today yeah she could not go on any rides. No rides.

And Islands of Adventure is... All the fun rides have got no pregnant women. Yep. Or men. No, no. There's no little shows or anything. I think I was in the other park. So it was literally paid to get my wife in.

Oh, to just stand in the heat. To just stand in the heat. While pregnant. Aye. And because she can't go on any raids she's the one that's got to be primary carer of the toddler

aye so like fair play to Bella Daly she's she had a high tolerance for her oh yeah yeah she's good but it did feel like

but there's only so many times you can have a slushie and a pretzel yeah yeah and also man that is Cara's scene it's not like you took a loser who doesn't like roller coasters.

Yeah, my wife. My wife would have been with Kara while being perfectly able to go on any of the rides. A hundred percent. She would have been with Kara going, fucking what is this? Why am I just stood here? It could be somebody by the pool. Yeah. Yeah.

Although I think she would like some of them rides because they're an illusion of... Like the Hulk ride, it throws you around, right? You get blasted around the park. She doesn't want to be thrown around like that. It feels unsafe. Whereas a lot of them, like the Harry Potter one, like the Spider-Man one, like the King Kong one, they're like 3D imagery

where you're all getting pumped around on a seat and you don't... I don't think you're actually moving. You're definitely not falling the height of the falling off the building in Spider-Man when he catches you with the web, it's just the feeling and the air pumping in your face, so it's just like a sensory version of it

I should enjoy them I imagine I should tolerate them but you wouldn't get on that Hulk ride for anything nah, so what you're saying is in the future I'll make my family come over for Destiny holidays Apparently not We should probably just hang by the pool

Reading a book While we spend $200 on queuing Yeah yeah That's how she would say it as well Kara was not Her northern working class came out today She was like I can't believe we've spent This much money to go

Now to be fair I get her point, because she wasn't able to go on any rides. I spent an hour queuing for a ride that didn't happen. Then she was to spend the rest of the day with my son. Galen had the goddamn time of his fucking life. At the Whoville? The Dr. Seuss tiny little, like, water park. How much was he enjoying pulling that lever

to cage you in the water? It's like the bird cage, but the bars on the cage are water, but you can turn it on and off with a lever. And you were in the cage and then you'd pull the lever and you'd panic. Perfection for a two-year-old. My son has weird standards when it comes to being wet.

So he's in his full clothes, shorts and a shirt and stuff. And if he gets a tiny bit wet on his clothes there, he's like, oh no, won't go into any of the stuff, doesn't want to get any wetter. But if you take him into the water park and you hold him under a waterfall for two seconds and he's wet at that point, he's like, oh, right, well.

I'm wet now. I've transitioned. I don't want to be partially wet, guys. It's either wet play or dry play. None of this damp play. Damp play, yes. Damp play is not his scene at all, which I think is fair. Yeah, well, I get it.

You know, when I was in Perth and I used to bike ride everywhere in Australia, one thing, the skies just opened and for like a couple of minutes it was awful. You know, I hunched shoulders and just like, oh God, I'm fucking dressed for summer. Then there was a point where I was like, you can't get it any more wet.

And for the rest of that bike ride, it was just fun. Because it wasn't cold. I know. Perth? I know, in the Aussie fucking heat. Nah, like once you're fully wet, that's all right. It's that transitional period between dry and wet that sucks. And he's just onto that early

Aye I think he's right I feel like It's so hard to gauge How Shit Alton Towers is Just because Because the rides there are really good

A lot of the rides at Alton Towers Nemesis is good Air is good Yeah yeah What do you call that? Big Bertha or something? Like a fucking fast one? And the whole park All of Alton Towers are... Nemesis is good. Air is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you call that? Big Bertha or something? Like a fucking fast one? And the whole park,

all of Alton Towers, stinks of cum. I don't know if you remember that. It smells of... It smells of pipe cleaner. It smells of semen. It smells of semen. Do you know what I mean?

Like down the back of a pub when they've cleaned the pipes it always smells of spunk. Do you like them two smells? Because I thought... I thought it was like a plant that they had around Alton Towers Because I mentioned it to staff

I've not been there since I was about 21 But I remember saying to the staff You've got to put a spunk on your lip Everything smells of spunk Jesus Christ And for some reason my fingers smell of shit What is wrong with this theme park? Is it on the handles

Like what's going on Because like Here's the thing Like Alton Towers And like Thorpe Park Have good rides But they are Queuing system sucks

Queuing system sucks And also Because it's The UK There are 14 Actually hot days Of the fucking year

Whereas Orlando Is Hot Oh yeah Just cutting about in your shorts Yeah Have a nice day And like you can actually hot days of the fucking year whereas Orlando is hot oh yeah just cut about in your shorts yeah have a nice day and like you can like you would never

go to you couldn't just go to Alton Towers on a whim because you are at the mercy of the weather gods

you can't be like oh we'll just go today and I go to Spain whereas if you lived in Orlando you can be like we've got fuck all to do we're Florida residents

so you get discounts on the passes you can get your annual thing you can pop in i don't know how much i would like if you lived here if you lived in florida how often do you reckon you would actually be getting about the same amount of times me and you go to the highlands and enjoy scotland right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah however anytime you Yeah. However, any time you had guests, like that's what was nice when I went to LA in May and Hammy went to the Star Wars Disney, went to Disney mainly for Star Wars and he was just chuffed because he didn't,

like he'll do it because there's guests here and he gets to show it off. He's like, I've got this on my doorstep, I can do this all the time. Do you though? Nah, just doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, if I lived in Florida

I would get into golf so hard I'd get into I mean it would be hard to not get into racism

oh that is so weird driving from Tampa to Orlando like I couldn't work out whether the people in the houses you could see from the road were rich or poor. They were giving off very Langmore vibes from Ozark, if anyone didn't get the reference.

Like, trailer trash vibes, but looking at it, you're like, big house, plot of land. Yep. That would cost you fucking millions in the UK. But they just gave out, like, redneck vibes and i was like i don't know if these people are rich up where well i i agree with you i think it all comes down to the fact that for and i've said this on the podcast before americans just cannot understand anything other than skyscrapers being built out of bricks like every house that we drive past you're like you know why all of you die when there's a natural disaster right but is that why they build them that way though because they usually rebuild

um is it like oh fuck i've got to rebuild a brick house no i think it's i think the natural disaster is going to take out anyway i think it's american capitalism i think it's like we could either we could spend eight months building this thing out of brick and steel and mortar and have it fully done or we could throw up this thing in two fucking months with plywood and plasterboard and you know what if only 20 of homes are destroyed during a fucking hurricane let's hope we're part of the fucking 80 percent yeah because i felt like if the car broke down and you just went to one of them houses for help they'd cock a shotgun oh and it's like that's how it felt i don't know if that's just because i've been like i've been told how florida is and for those people that might not know

i have avoided coming to florida to do comedy for the longest time and it turns out the city is a liberal like Texas yeah because the problem with Florida is Florida is the part of America that America makes fun of right

and America is the country that everyone makes fun of right so imagine like... But it's the best claim I've seen. Imagine being asked to date the person that the fat ugly kid bullied. That's for the longest time.

If America's hanging shit on you. Yeah, man. People are like, when are you coming to Florida? And I'm like, I'm never coming to fucking Florida because everyone in your country agrees that you're the worst part of an already Quite shit country like you that's in the Tampa possible to eat healthy here Oh, yeah, yeah, I got a sweet potato when we steak last night in the pod sugar on it Genuinely the pod sugar. It was literally a sweet potato. You can be healthy in

La because that's where all the skinny Jews are and you can do it in New York because that's where all the skinny Jews are I don't understand how skinny Jews are if you let me test for fitness When have you ever seen a fat Jew? I genuinely haven't I can't say I have

Is that one of the roller coasters? Find me a single fat Jew, apart from that guy who stole all the jokes that was called the fat Jew. Remember him from fucking like eight years ago? He was literally called the fat Jew, big fat guy, not in his head,

and was just one of the... Big hat, little hat on top of it. And he was just a joke thief like he just steal to other people's like internet content posted on his own there's a huge controversy around it at the time that's the only fact you I can name Edelman skinny

Irish skinny all the ones that I've seen the pictures of in Auschwitz Daniel on a public episode I that I've seen the pictures of in Auschwitz Come on Daniel on a public episode aye on a public episode

aye look at a time I'm not saying at a time when everyone is being accused of anti-semitism for any fucking reason I think it's fine

I think now you could actually be legitimately anti-semitic but because there's so many people crying out anti-semitism before and some of it is legitimate and it's really valid and some of it is absolutely not and it's just a don't touch me blah blah blah this is an immune thing like i feel like you could get you know what's like not helped as well the the cause of anti-semitism is how self-deprecating matt and trey are in south park and uh sasha baron cohen and it almost just feels like your friends are giving you a pass because you hear so many jokes coming from the Jewish comedians. Seth Rogen.

Seth Rogen. You get so many jokes, it just feels like a hall pass that you get all so joined in and then you're like, oh, whoa, you can't. Well, I mean, it's interesting the thing about Jews is because for the longest time, the thing that I didn't understand about Judaism and it was something that just,

it wasn't a problem I had with Alex Hilleman I couldn't understand it I just did never understood the fact that like there's such a thing as ethnic Jews because there's no such thing as an ethnic Christian right there's no like oh I'm from this part of the world and it's part of my blood and my fucking history and all this I mean you'll find people in this part of the world like i'm an ethnic christian and you're like shut up honky you're you're a dumb cunt who's read christians from like italy and rome and that do they consider themselves ethnic christians do they look at christians like in america and just go well no no because okay because here's the here's from my

very limited understanding of like the ethnic jew side of things because of the holocaust and because it was obviously such a concentrated effort to get rid of a large group of people like the reason there are hasidic jews is those are the ones and for any jewish listeners feel free to correct me on all parts of this um they when they went to like new york and when they like fled germany when they fled europe to for any form of fucking safety from the literal uh fucking you know genocide that was going on they had this thing of like okay well we can't trust the rest of the world because the rest of world has hated us for 2 000 fucking years at this point because half of these christians think we killed jesus despite the fact, by the way, king of the

Jews, we love the guy, like he's you know that it became like we're going to preserve this culture and who we are and again man I imagine like when anyone in your life actually in terms of like being a fucking

holocaust survivor, I don't think you ever shed that and I think that is absolutely like generational trauma that you just understand yeah 100 knowing what happened so and christians haven't really gone through that muslims probably have and things that i've just not been educated on uh same with sikhs and buddhists i imagine that i i i guess the atrocities you know committed on mass amounts of those people I just wasn't fucking educated on but like what you do

you find Jewish people who do not believe in God or whatever but it's who they are their wedding has to be their partner has to convert to Judaism they can't they will not obey. And that's because your family is like

putting that pressure on you to do that even if you don't practice the religion. You still have a family obligation to follow the... And the hard Jews, Jews with a hard W, those are the ones that are like, they'll ostracise anyone that does anything like non Jewish

and don't get me wrong, that absolutely exists in like Mormon culture and Christian. Yeah and Jehovah's Witnesses, yeah Yeah but I just think I I'm glad I was raised without any pressure of religion.

I'm thankful for that. I've got a gratitude for not being forced into a specific way of thinking, a way of acting, a way of living. Were your parents? Nah. You know what? When I went to my nana's house, my mom's mom, she had religious stuff about the house house like crucifixes up and stuff

like child porn yeah shut up all that um but like never i never had to pray over a meal i never had i went to a catholic school do you know that thanks you know i'm because i moved schools yeah and i went i went i think we've spoke about it fairly recently, actually, about how, like, maths just happened and I was just there. Like, I wasn't getting the bread and I wasn't getting the wine, and they were praying before class, but I just didn't join in on any of it. Just because I moved schools

and some of my mates from football were there. So I moved to that specific one without being Catholic. Oh, exactly. That was odd. Yeah, because I forget how... I was only that specific one without being Catholic. That was odd. Yeah, because I forget how... I was only there for one semester. I've been in the paragraph for three weeks. I don't have any friends, I don't think,

that are legitimately Christian. You do. You've got loads of mates that are not proper God-botherers. Oh, yeah, like what I was telling you about when you've got God-kids, but you've never been to a single christening yet, but you've got honorary God-kids. I actually had to go to the service for my God-kids and

get the one. Yeah, you're an actual one. I'm on fucking tissue paper, God-dad. Aye. You're a God-father the same way Gareth's married. Yeah. Fucking tissue paper Go on then Aye You're You're a godfather The same way Gareth's married Yeah

He's been He's been with his His wife For 12 years Yeah Well and they are engaged They are engaged now Yeah

And I'm really glad as well Because it felt like After you got married And There was like A sequence Matty got married A sequence of marriages

With him My friends And it felt like the last hall Because you're looking around going Elliot's not going to get married Tom's not going to get married Is there anyone left to get married? Out of a friendship group

Or we're just at an age now Where we've got to wait for the kids to grow up And go to their weddings I think there'll be I think there'll still be stuff to happen Barney's not Barney's not married Do you think they'll get married? I'm still be stuff to happen Barry's not Barry's not married Do you think they'll get married?

I'm kidding the way you do Well I mean Look It's different times But here's the thing As much as I'm like It's different times You don't need to be married

To Like Prove your love for each other You don't need Like a government certificate To Define your relationship But in terms of

When you've got a kid you absolutely need a government mandated bit of fucking paper just so you travel yeah your wife can travel with your child without getting questioned for abduction absolutely yeah yeah because i didn't think my brother was going to get married he's been married two years now but like uh him and his wife were very much just like I don't need to fucking sign a document to prove I love this person. But then they had kids and they were just like, let's just do something. Just do something like slightly less.

You know, if you get married and have a prenup, I feel like that just don't get married then. If that's the case. I feel like that just just don't get married then if that's the case Marlena mentioned it once to me before

getting married to Cara and it wasn't so how I age and everybody that's she was like you're doing a prenup and I'm like

absolutely under no circumstance and I know there's people out there that are gonna be like you're a fucking idiot and you're this and you're that and I'm like cool

you don't love your wife man ah yeah you know like I i've i've wanted like natalie to have what you deserve from the breakup well it's also like yes but i mean the people that are screaming at the podcast now being like that's not how it works you've no idea why your relationship will fall apart and like obviously divorce is a messy thing and you know that your partner can be jilted and upset by something that you've done in your relationship and they'll take it out on you on the other side and i'm like cool valid argument i'm not marrying a spiteful person i've never seen an ounce of spite from my wife. And again, I already have a wife that will not spend our money.

Our money. The only reason I'm able to earn what I earn. She'll not spend it now when you're married. Yeah. Despite the fact that... Without you really pushing the issue. And again, I constantly have to remind my wife off of this. And it's...

Communism works between two people. But, man, it's our it's our money start broadening it where it fucks up that's what this is it's it's we're in this together this is you and me against the world this is you and me against our kid when they're being shit the thing i one of the many many things i love about fucking cara and she's and we've both stuck to it really well so far. I know we're only two years into parenting and we've not got to the difficult part yet

in terms of kid giving you attitude. And also the other one on the way in, the juggling it when you've got two. I said to her, I'm like, it is always, always, it's you and me and the kids versus the world. Or worst case scenario, it's you and me versus the kids. Always a fucking united front.

I never say to my son, ask mum or mum says no. It's like, no, no, no. We've decided. Even though the discussion was led by her, 90% of the decision was hers. That's our decision because we've both agreed on that decision. And even though, even though the thing that you wanted to do, I was fighting your corner for it. I'm not going to tell you that I was fighting your corner because we are a united front. And that's just what we are like across.

Yeah, just because I would not have the life I have and be able to do this if she was not such an unbelievable unbelievably strong anchor at home and man fucking the sacrifices Cara I know she won't see them as fucking sacrifices because

I mean even just today the theme park sacrifice she made because it had to be her body not yours yeah yeah I wouldn't even fucking register to her Because it had to be Her body Not yours Yeah I wouldn't even Fucking register To her That she had to You know Take the

Shitty side Of that fucking stick It would be nice Wouldn't it If you could Take one of the pregnancies I wouldn't You wouldn't

We'd have one kid If that was the fucking deal You wouldn't Because Like That can't That can't be right this isn't me being woke if anything this is me being a hard bloke alpha fucking macho like i'll do it like if i could take pregnancy for that lee i would do it if i was like i think it totally sucks that

they have to fucking like regardless they have to take all of the burden of pregnancy i can't believe cara doesn't ask me slash demand that i eat her box like once every three days because if i was fucking pregnant if i was the one carrier to grow a baby inside of me i would genuinely be like i want a blow job now why because i'm because of this because of this so i get three minutes this is the difference between men men and women this is how basic i'm being they have to feel sexy man i don't have to feel sexy to get a nosh yeah i i genuinely don't have to feel sexy to get sucked off like i feel like she'd have to feel sexy 100 my wife is obviously to me and it's just one of the hottest people on the planet not the hottest i'm not delusional but to me i've got a fucking unbelievably fit wife fancying your partner

is really important i think yeah like i'm the same as you. I fancy the fuck with Kara. I fancy the fuck with her life. But she's not... I think that's really important. Yeah. And Kara, understandably, does not feel sexy when she's pregnant. It's just because of the toll it takes on your body. Now, and she'll never believe me.

One, me and carol just have two separate love languages i'm a complimenting person i like telling her because where's affirmation because that's why i need this person i need constant affirmation right that's something that i need in my job that's something i need in fucking relationships like you know if i seem like somebody that's not insecure, it's because I'm being told I'm great all of the time. Whereas like with her, even when I'm like, and this is going to sound fucking like scripted and like this fucking woke bullshit.

If you love your partner, there is something really, really hot and sexy about them being pregnant. And it's not in like a carnal, like, oh, I've got to have you. Like, I want to fuck this pregnant body. Like, it turns me on. But then she's carrying my child. Oh, man, it's 100% sacrifice.

It's watching, like, you are a family unit. You're a cohesive unit. And you've decided as this little nucleus that you're going to expand it and what it costs on your end is so what it costs on your end is a cum that's what it costs on your end did a sex way yeah yeah but on her end it's just uh so much more and i look man she feels like she fucking complains all the time I'm sure most pregnant women

feel like they fucking complain all the time she rarely does nah she rarely does there's once or twice and it's like and it's been

when I've asked her it hasn't been like she hasn't put a complaint on her I've drawn a complaint out of her and she's she's like

she's revealed how she feels upon questioning yeah she's not she's not going about making a scene about it which is saying something like as i would be fucking making everyone's life a misery i would i would like even in the months where i wasn't showing i would be walking around like those people at disney where they've got that it's my birthday it's my anniversary it's my this it's my's my, you know, I just got a fucking promote. I would, from the

second I pissed on that stick, and it was like pregnant, I would be like, pregnant, treat me better than everyone else around me. But, um... Give up your seat. Oh, man. Carry my stuff. I'd use it

for fucking, eh. I'd use it for everything. Also, I imagine it is hard to like feel as a pregnant person, feel sexy and even want sex because like, just it's all happening down there. Like there's just, it's all happening in there. Like if my cock constantly felt like it was about to either fall off, explode, catch fire.

Occasional discharge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There would be two minutes of every hour where I'm like, is my dick bleeding? Mate, I'd be showing you me cock all the time. I'd be like, mate, you see me cock? Is my dick bleeding? Mate, I'd be showing you my cock all the time. I'd be like, mate, you see my cock?

I would, maybe in those circumstances, I'd be like, maybe I don't want a blowjob if I'm bleeding out of all the time. But I would just be like, get a blowjob with a condom on. Like, I still want. Did I tell you about when I had thrush and I showed the cleaner at Concordia? Like, I didn't know what it was.

My cock was red raw. And the cleaner, like, a woman about, like, 20 years older than me. I was like I didn't know what it was my cock was red raw and eh the cleaner like an em a woman about like 20 years older than me she just went

go on then gives a look a fucking show that my cock was red raw she was like I'll just thrush that I'll pop over at the shop

and get you some canison duo she fucking went out are we cranbridges as well she went out of the shop she got us a can of some jewel and then got an announcement over the tannoy

that my thrush treatment was at reception good girl good girl and that that's exactly how that should be done every single day I'm fucking

with one hand I give it and with the think I was like with one hand I give it with the other I was putting the badminton nets on I was putting the badminton nets on I was like

can Kai Humphries contact reception can Kai Humphries contact reception and then there's the pauses the receptionist was thinking whether she should go out

with it or not no no no the receptionist was pausing while she sniggered off my reception to Kai Humphries reception to Kai Humphries

it's a medical emergency is your fucking thirst cream your Reception to Guy Humphries Reception to Guy Humphries It's a Medical emergency It's your Fucking thrush cream Your Fanny thrush cream is here You know you can get thrush of the mouth It comes up in white spots

I've never had it Aye Just now people that have Thrush on your tongue What is thrush? I think it's It's like a yeast imbalance I'm not a doctor

I'm going to google it But I think you can get it from Bad hygiene I think you can get it from Not washing your cock after sex You know if you have morning sex And then going into work And you've just gone all day

Here's a question for you Okay right so Thrush is a yeast infection A fungal infection and then going into work. They've just gone all day. Here's a question for you. Okay, right. So thrush is a yeast infection, a fungal infection typically in the skin or mucous membranes caused by candida, which is how my son says Canada. Oral thrush, cutaneous candida infection in the skin and nails

caused by, oh my God, Jesus. Here's a question for you. And I guess it's like a fucking moral question. I don't feel hugely comfortable about asking this, so I'll keep the details to a minimum. Asking for a friend. Years and years ago, back in my single days,

I had a fuck buddy in a specific area of the world like someone whenever I was there I'm buying this person and it was just like hey we're not doing long-distance because we don't like each other in that way it's not legal I would say the Tyler and she and I say this with full empathy and I don't say this in a boring way she's one of the smelliest vaginas

I've ever experienced to the point where like the second you took the pants off smelled it like the halitosis of the groin yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah bad coochie breath real bad coochie breath and as someone is that a hygiene thing because she probably washes it that's just thing because she probably washes it

that's just maybe how she smells and that'd be like it's such a big insecurity she was one of the cleanest people I have ever met in my life

she would shower so straight out of the shower it's got a funk to it oh man man man man it's man there is just a thing of like there is a condition

which just whether it's yeast whether it's something else fucking stinks I did not and I think not and I I think looking back

I fucking regret this because I think a better person would have I just don't know how you do it I absolutely should have been like hey friend to fucking friend here well I don't know you know no

what can she do she can't do much about it can she she absolutely can't oh absolutely man fend fresh no there's

fend fresh there's there's there's there's, there's... Crème fraiche? There's pills, there's doctors. Man, if you were to mention it to... Do you think it's like what we were talking about a couple of podcasts ago, about you can't smell your own house? Absolutely, I think it's that. Or, because she was a heterosexual woman,

she doesn't... Because I reckon if I had a smelly cock, I would know that I had a smelly cock. No, not if that was the smell of your cock the entire time and again again you're not smelling other cocks to compare it she was a heterosexual woman right she's not eating box she just thinks that's what yeah how's she gonna know that other pussies don't fucking smell like that like I mean it's a legit fucking thing and like and me personally as much

as it would I would probably still be thinking about it to this fucking day. If a girl to me early doors was like, your cock fucking stinks, I would hate it. But I would be super grateful. I'd be like, your attitude stinks. You'd be grateful if someone told you your cock stinks and you could act on it. Yeah, because here's the other side of the thing,

where I did do a good thing. There was a girl I was seeing for a while, and while playing with her breasts one day, I felt a lump. And it was the first time we'd ever had sex. Like, we'd been on a couple of dates, and then we had sex, and we're feeling her tits. There was a fucking lump in there was it actually did you

I didn't say anything at the time right I just like I was like okay we ended up obviously having sex spending the next morning together

having fucking breakfast and stuff I was living with Jean at the time and me and Jean would always have debriefs after dates and after fucking nights out and whatever and I mentioned it to her and jean was instantly like you've got it she was like you tell her right now you tell her immediately

this is how you say it this is how you broach it this is how you fucking do it uh and talked me through it and i sent it uh to her uh she was incredibly grateful that obviously freaks out obviously worried that that's part of the course. She got herself checked out three days later. Sometimes just have lumps in the back. There's muscles. It's completely and utterly fucking fine. But at least she got to have legs.

Absolutely. Did she discover it the minute you told her about it as well? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She knew I was talking about. And again, I would always want that the other way around. Like, after I've cum,

don't tell me there's a lump on my balls. In the throes of passion. Well, my dick's hard. Like, let's get past it, man. There's not much we can do in the seconds between now and then. Also, also, also, make me cum and let's see if it goes down. Like, maybe this burp's just in the wrong bit of my deck at the moment. It's just,

it's blood. I was, um, fought with a girl. I was giving her a back massage and, uh, you know, and yeah,

doing the butt cheeks and they come apart. And I just saw a bit of shit. And I was like, oh no. I just moved on from there and like I was listening to girl that was just a one time thing

later on saw it again I was like she couldn't have shut her pants twice it was just like a kind of beige freckle right at the point

next to her butthole and I went for ages between one moment and the next thinking that I gave her a massage and she fucking had skin marks man as

me ten years like a little freckle cluster you know just like a me a smatter on her freckles

me ten years ago and she would not have known that was there 100% how could she I don't know if I've got freckles next to me butthole you don't I did it

I did it that was too quick you're all good here's the thing 10 years ago if I thought I'd saw a bit of shit like at her arse, like whether I was massaging it, whether I was about to go in there for a good ol' fucking lick or whatever, I would have been like, I would have done the fucking teardrop

thing of like going in and being like, oh no, straight back up, that's not where we're going. Now, as a father who regularly changes shitty nappies if i saw a bit of shit on a girl's butt i'd just go just get rid of it just doing a favor like what we're gonna embarrass the girl you know what i did i was like 10-1 consolation goal Save me some rumen Oh so To go back to something my mum Oh yeah what was the question with that My mum is

My mum and dad are out here Just now they've joined us in Florida They're going to come to New York I was talking about doing the podcast today And my mum was just like Some episodes I love some episodes I just cannot fucking listen to because like neither of you is

you're both fine hosts but neither of you are good co-hosts because none of you are there to keep the other person on track you'll go off on tangents I'll go off on tangents we'll always say we're going to come back to this thing. And we never fucking do.

And it drives my mother insane. She finds this podcast unbearable. Still a Patreon though, so she's, you know, a supportive mother. So to go back to one of the many pins we put in there. One of the interesting things about Florida that I did not realize until I,

because the reputation of Tampa, like obviously not as bad as the reputation of, like, fucking Jacksonville or maybe Miami. But, like, you hear about Florida being like... Is Jacksonville Florida? Absolutely is. Ah, didn't know that. Yay.

Oh, and that's Florida, Florida. We get to Tampa and I'm talking to the staff at the venue, just talking to, like, the ushers and stuff, pre-show. And I'm like, Tampa seems nice. and she was like tampa is nice and i was like basically i'm like is it and she was like it's southern new york it's everyone here is from new york and they come down this is where they do their business and i was like i was like okay so is orlando the she goes no orlando is the slums of Disney oh yeah

the Disney ghetto yeah the Disney ghetto everyone there just works in Disney and they're not fucking you know paid fairly and they're all part of the

the fucking thing there but she was exactly what you said it's so similar to Texas here which is the hubs are blue and the second you get into country town it's red as fuck because I said Florida's

MAGA, in my head Florida's full fucking MAGA this is where Mar-a-Lago is this is where I believe Trump is technically like I don't know how I don't fully understand their political system but like he could be from like any fucking

state but he defines even though he's New York he runs from Florida I believe or something like that knows where his people are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah So it's full fucking drop down. I haven't in the drive from here to Tampa and back and things I Have not seen a single MAGA. I've not seen a single fucking Trump thing I've not encountered anyone all the American flags waving, but I't think they've got the same man stigma attached to them that the Union Jack now has Jack seems like it's like if I can attach the racists have attached the self to it because you know June tournaments like when I lived at stamp in in Ashington I used to put the England flag up on me little veranda

for the Cosgan bar you know like it's fever it's fever there's a fucking international tournament on like now I would feel like I was announcing myself

as a fucking rotten egg yeah but if you're doing fucking Glasgow yeah I'm not doing it now man man I would burn down your house

like that was so funny the way Natalie switched yeah as soon as England were playing Scotland because she gets behind England she really does

she likes she likes the team she watches the Premier League so she loves the fucking English footballers she wants the best for them as soon as we were playing Scotland just switched

alright I was just sat on opposite ends of the couch watching the match good 0-0 was the perfect score good I'm glad she's still got that you know that's

that's good. I think lots of Americans who listen to this podcast would, especially in the last six years, disagree with you. I think absolutely before the American flag was not partisan, like it wasn't one side of the aisle, flew it necessarily more than the other.

I think now you would definitely find lots of left-leaning Americans being like... They still love their country. They know it's flawed. They know it's imperfect. But I think they would still be patriotic in a way that they'd want their flag back.

I'm just like, I had a flag. They believe in the system. They're Americans now who, despite America going through this tumultuous fucking time, where there are Americans who are not proud of America at this specific moment in time, just in terms of it. But they are absolutely proud of their fucking country because they believe that despite everything going on just now,

that that's just part of the system. and they sort of still believe in the system of you know the the first country to fucking really nail democracy no and by the way and nail democracy so much that they were able to force it on the rest of the world unsuccessfully but they were like you know what you're getting some you know what? You're getting some democracy, send in the bombs. You're getting some democracy, send in the bombs. Bomb democracy, aren't you? Absolutely, I'll bomb democracy into you. I feel like, I don't know.

That Tampa gig, I did not expect. I don't know about you, but like, just to be a bit fucking personal here, I go through ups and downs with stand-up at this point in time where there's some days i do the show and i'm like this is great i'm i'm a good stand-up like you know the success is still wild to me and it's still hard to process a lot but there's sometimes when i'm on stage and i'm just smashing a gig that I'm like oh no no right get rid of that imposter syndrome right now you have earned this and this is a good fucking show and you should be proud of it and then there's just been a couple of others there's

been a couple of shows on on the American leg and I don't want to blame the audience I'll blame myself and I'll blame my headset because doing the same show for two and a half years is just difficult like if you say the same word over and over again that word loses all meaning so as a stand-up when you do the same joke over and over again the jokes become less funny you know me and so you perform them definitely you perform less so there's points when again translating a show for a Turkish crowd is so different to translating a show for an American crowd and in those sort of into not even in between gigs they're gigs but there's times when you know I've not performed for three weeks and the last time I performed was in India and in Turkey and in Europe when I was

doing that there's been a couple of shows here where just some bits haven't worked as well and I've in I've now worked out how to change them up and mix them up but there were about three or four shows in a row uh on this american leg where i was just like i've just got to be honest with myself and just go this isn't the best show i've done um which is you know hard to come to terms with because you always want to feel like you're getting fucking better but like standing on stage and just hearing laughs that used to get fucking bigger laughs. And you're like, you know what?

Performance is important. But like if the jokes don't stand up themselves without the importance, how good are they in the first place? You know what I've found with American crowds is some jokes where I've done, because I mean, fair fucks, because like the whole thing with me when I'm talking is I'm like super authentic.

You can tell that what I'm saying is things from my life. But every now and again, I slip a joke in that's so outrageous that it's clearly a joke. But it's like the American crowd sometimes don't make the switch in their head that that's a joke. And what you've said is authentic. And they let out a real groan. And you're like, don't groan. It makes it look like that's actually what I did think I did do. You're meant to laugh at the bits that are clearly a joke.

Okay, this is what really happened. And then I've're meant to laugh at the bits that are clearly a joke okay this is what really happened and then in that i've had to put footprints around stuff that's clearly a joke because they've took everything authentically because i'm being authentic and then when i do something that's clearly a joke they've took that authentically too and i'm like i have to go oh wait no guys yeah no no like do i have to tell you where the jokes are i've had i've had three points on the American tour so far for those of you who haven't seen the show yet this isn't a fucking spoiler but like a large portion of the show was about Cara's pregnancy and birth and the routine was written and it meant and it is performed in the style of is I'm going to thoroughly with my tongue in cheek say, not say, hint or imply that like, and only for three minutes,

I'm going to imply that childbirth and pregnancy is worse for men because that's such an outrageous fucking point. The best comedy I love is what Bill Burr used to do. He would say something everyone would disagree with and nobody would enjoy it. And then he would slowly bring everyone over to that side by arguing these points

and pooing it through certain fucking... Thought experiment. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you go, what I'm saying is wrong, but I can make it sound right. And that is the skill of stand-up, is I'm going to say something awful that we all agree is wrong.

I know I'm wrong, but look at it from this point of view. But yes, I'm going to frame it in such a specific way that from this angle it seems right. And in every other part of the world when I'm doing this stuff so thoroughly, I've got the line in the show,

I'm like, pregnancy and childbirth is really hard for men. Is it worse for women, right? And I jokingly weigh my hands up because obviously it's worse for women and if if the audience would give me two more seconds of grace they would allow me to get to the punch line which is me going of course it's worse for women of course of course and then we move to the next point there are women here screaming yeah like it

is worse for women i'm like i know This is all done through the lanes of irony. This is all done. This is me being the bad guy so that we can all laugh at the bad guy for having dumb opinions so that we can... And people actually do have these opinions and I'm just pretending from their point of view, but then I'm going to put a more intellectual slant on it.

Yeah. But yeah, you just get, you just get like, because they're probably just left, like used to that in earnest from so many men that hearing it ironically from a man is just like received as earnest. Well, excellent point. Because that was one of the big problems

that we had at the Istanbul shows, right? Which is like, when I'm doing all this stuff when I'm making fun of women in this point are like in the rest of the world in the UK we are feminism is not as far as it fucking needs but but man it's dude fucking numbers it's too like well I know it's not perfect but compared to the rest of the world it's decent the fight still ongoing blah blah blah there are that joke works in the UK it works in Sweden it works in Norway it works in places where feminism and women are more on par with men but when I'm when I'm

doing those jokes in India and when I'm doing those jokes in Turkey in places where being a woman is objectively fucking harder where domestic abuse in those countries is through the roof where sexual assault is through the fucking roof where everything's a bit too real oh yeah it's not abstract yeah yeah it's common so in my head like normally

when I'm doing the like pregnancies harder for men obviously it's through the scope of irony but it's also through the scope of irony I'm punching sideways right as somebody that stands up uh for uh women and and makes all these points part of equality is i'm going to treat you the same way i treat men which is by insulting you all the fucking time because that is what quality is i guess it just didn't feel that way as much yeah it was too raw it wasn't ready yeah there was still too there was still too much progress to be made before you could be progressive in that kind of level yeah and you know i mean i mean

you know i wish we'd known that before we fucking filmed it there and you know it's something i certainly learned from uh from india but I guess it's just one of the challenges of the privilege of being an international comic, I guess. You sometimes find out the hard way. Yes, and we're about to do our first gig in Orlando. In a minute, actually, we should probably wrap this up and get sorted for the gig. To everyone in the states

that's come out to the show so far thank you so much despite me sort of saying that I didn't necessarily like fully enjoy certain ones

please not that I knew that one was great please understand it's all in my head right there's just I have more

I have more shows to compare it to than you do. When you see my show, you're seeing it for the first or sometimes second, maybe even third time. I'm hearing it for the 250th time. And you know what the highs are. You know what the lows are. And you always place the show that you've currently done

somewhere between the highest and the lowest. And if it's down there down there they don't know that that was the best show they've seen but for you not even in the top 100 yeah so that's that's the bit where you have to walk up and often them shows you'll get an instagram after and your inbox will be full of compliments and stuff and like you you never you'd never go oh you know what I didn't feel on point today. Always just go, thank you. I had a lovely time. In fucking Wisconsin, right? It was a good gig. It was a great gig.

There was one guy in the fucking front row who just didn't enjoy any of it. And occasionally I'd look down to see, after a big laugh in the crowd, and I'd look down to see if this guy was still fucking enjoying it and he'd be like looking away he'd be fucking looking down his arms across and i just can't get him out of my eye line and i'm just like this is going back because you can't see much but you can see the front row and i'm like it's not it's not not isolated and i'm like if somebody in the front row isn't laughing that means people in the fifth row 10th row 30th you're a big cross-section of this crowd right now yeah yeah they're also not i can see

10 people and you're one of them i feel like there's 10 of the audience are feeling the same as you 100 calm was at the meeting great and he had lovely times it's the time of his fucking life because here's the other thing and i and i should know this as somebody that when i watch live stand up i don't laugh all the time i don't laugh a lot of time so much That when I watch Live stand up I don't laugh all the time I don't laugh I laugh all the time So much time When I'm watching stand up

I'm enjoying it in my head But I'm just watching it I'm just Oh yeah There's just a smile On your face sometimes Sometimes just like Looking at it analytically

Oh also If I was in the front row Of a comedy show And there was a big laugh And the comedian looked at me I'd go Don't fucking Don't fucking look at me

Like I get it Give me my anonymity please yeah but yeah that was uh just another one of those moments where for 90 minutes i was like you just fucking you didn't do a great job there even though 99 of the audience from all the sound really audibly enjoyed the gig but eventually that man didn't that must have been a bad gig and then for this man to be like hey man I thought you were brilliant it's a pleasure to meet you, your work means so much to me I'm like

I'm just a bad judge I think sometimes I feel about my stand up the same way that I feel about Cara and her looks like Cara if Cara doesn't feel beautiful then there's no convincing her that she is if she's not in a sexy mood if she's not and she thinks if you're telling us she's beautiful she thinks you're lying to make her feel better 100 and it's and it's not that

case at all whereas i am the exact same hypocrite when it comes to my style i'll come off show and she'll be like it was a great show and i'm like shit it was awful you wouldn't say that though right i'd say it to her i know yeah you'd say to me you'd say to gordon but you wouldn't say it of an audience member no no it was good because i've seen comics do that where they've been complimented and then they've denied the compliment and then like made an excuse not made an excuse up and said like oh i didn't feel like i was on my best form tonight and whatever and i'm always looking i'm just going oh come on you rookie like just give them it let them have it

that's their experience don't take their experience away from them man we do need to wrap up though aye so yeah thanks for coming to the shows and I'll see you

at the shows you're going to come to also I've got a tour coming up in the UK with Wilbury bringing it to Europe hopefully

one day we might be able to do America but that's like visa situation but I'm definitely doing stuff in, but that's like visa situation. But I'm definitely doing stuff in the UK. That's online now. You can get them off my links in the bio on my Instagram or go to my website. Oh shit, I haven't

updated my website. I have updated my website. If you're in America, you can now join Capitalism and Buy My March for European, Australian and UK people. March will be made available to you at some point. This was us dipping our toe in the water, finding out how comfortable I am with it.

And it will be available at points for you. And if you listen to this on Spotify or any of the public channels, think about subscribing to our Patreon. It's only three quid and you get twice as many episodes. Yeah. Bye.