Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Bananas in the Striped Pyjamas

Episode Date: March 2, 2022

Herald in war and destruction with this fast paced light spirited podcast minimising life's woes with some good old fashioned gallows humour. Muggins and Nelson are accompanied by Glenn Wool, the perfect sidekick to have on your team for the beginning of the end. For this weeks Patreon bonus episode with Daniel Sloss visit www.patreon.com/slossandhumphries

Hello, podcast people! We are in the middle of a war, and you know what we do? We laugh about it, and we joke about it, and we trivialise it, and make it feel like it's not happening, because that's what we do, we're comedians! And we've never been more needed than we are today, where everything is a bit fucked up. And you know what? I feel like this is one of the funnest ones I've recorded. We're very lucky. Glenn Wool's on tour, and he was in Glasgow last night. We watched his show, got drunk, and then he joined me and Mark Nelson on the podcast. And fuck me, I had a laugh. So I hope you enjoy it too. If you listen to this on the public channels,

like on Spotify or iTunes, we threw on last week's episode was the Patreon special that I recorded with Mark, because Monday's episode was just Daniel Sloss talking on his own, like getting high, talking about his first two weeks of being a dad. We thought because it was a bit more private, we'd keep it a Patreon. So it's over there. It's only frequent to subscribe.

And you get an extra episode every single month, every single month, every week. Every single week you get a free episode for £3. Sign up now for £3 and then get free stuff. You're paying for the stuff and we appreciate you for it. Thank you very much to everybody who already subscribes. Enjoy the podcast. It's better than the war, I think, marginally. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, than the war, I think. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical?

Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Here we are in the middle of fucking World War III. Doing a white boy podcast. This will solve all the world's problems. Get ready, Putin. Here comes our strike. So me and Mark are here joining you

with Glenn Wool hello Glasgow on two LFs and dulcet tones to my left if you're

watching on YouTube and we drunk a fucking bottle of Thurzo whiskey last

night Wolfsburn Wolfsburg yeah Wolfburn Wolfburn whiskey thank you

it's 58% and goes down like silver it's very drinkable over ice and I don't know if that's heathen behaviour no I don't know I was going to ask do you drink whiskey straight you're not a water

whiskey man are you well I like it with ice you like ice yeah ice is acceptable I find that the weirdest snobbery what no ice when people are like it with ice. You like it with ice, yeah. Ice is acceptable. I find that the weirdest snobbery. What, no ice?

When people are like, I have ice in it. You're like, oh, come on, man. Yeah. If you pour an iron brew in it, then you're going... Yeah. Yeah.

It's called a haggis bomb. Yes, yes. I've seen someone order... I saw an old woman at Glasgow Station order a haggis bomb. I'd been served, but I hung on to watch because I wanted to know what was coming. And they dropped a shot of whiskey

into a tumbler via brew. And the old woman just downed the hatch did. Where was she? I'm talking pension age. Where was she going? What was that? A prelude to? She was going on a train to England.

Off to Berwick for a driving awareness course. So we sunk this bottle of whiskey. A wine on the side. After having a few beers. Sidecar. A little wine sidecar. A little red wine sidecar and

woke up we're both out in the kitchen this morning like Russia has invaded the Ukraine what the fuck

did we do last night yeah turned on the news after having a bottle of whiskey yeah gotta be careful what you tweet

after 57% whiskey. Yeah, it's a good whiskey if you've ever been drinking regular whiskey and just thought, you know, there's just not enough booze in this. Turn up the whiskey. Yeah, I find I only slap people on whiskey. Well, this will make you punch them. If you really want to close that fest. It's a people on whiskey. Well, this will make you punch them. You really want to close that fist.

It's a closed fist whiskey. It makes you slap them with the back of your hand. And say, stay slapped. Have you ever wanted to attack another person like an animal would? We've got the extra 18% of alcohol that can facilitate that request it's a brilliant ad you like to kick fucker or someone thurso but we we weren't shouty or anything which um yeah because i felt like uh i felt like like a scientist that was about to do his tests on himself.

It's like, it's 58%. We just have to do it then and see what happens. You know what we did do? We told old long jokes that have one punchline at the end. Yes. And it's all about the build-up and the nuances within the story that don't need to be there. And it's all about the build-up and the nuances within the story that don't need to be there. And I would just dug up a few old jokes from the fucking, you know,

like proper victimless old school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That take a meander and root. They can be short or as long as you like. You can just decorate them. Ah, that's nice. That is nice. But looking back, we'll probably butchered half of them

because we were fucked yeah yeah I wonder how long those jokes actually were like if we replayed it again it'd be like

in contact with it like yeah we were only gone for an hour but this recorded for time dilation yeah

time dilation this is when the time sliding alien showed up I was in that joke for 15 years dilation. This is when the time sliding alien showed up. I was in that joke for 15 years. Glenn didn't have that beard. The joke was like Jumanji.

The percentage on the whiskey keeps fluctuating. It's whatever reality we're in. Schrodinger's joke we just kept hopping hopping timelines fucking Mandela effects within were jokes

is it Mandela or Mandela you can't see that I remember it as the Mandela yeah anyway anytime I'm wrong in an argument now I just convince myself You can't see it. I remember it as the Mandela. Anytime I'm wrong in an argument now, I just convince myself I was right in the timeline where I started the argument. Yeah. And I just have to concede that I'm on a different timeline now.

Everything I know isn't real. I just fit back into my new reality. It's fine. I adjust. I make adjustments. I wasn't wrong. Yeah. You just see life like a modern

Marvel film now. Somewhere there's a round table of blue avian men going, well, he's right. All sane beings. Omnipotent beings. You've got a point. He's got a point. He's never wrong. He's just always in the wrong place to be right.

Well. wrong he's just always in the wrong place to be right well i um i had a moment today because my wife texted me and said you know russia's invading the ukraine and i was like hey and i opened the blinds in the room and you have a thing that's supposed to be inspirational hanging. It's like a little thing that so you look out in the morning and it just says, and the adventure begins. I didn't even know I had that. You got it. I've got that? Yeah. Well, I didn't bring it.

Wait. Hold on. Hold on. I've got that. You got it. I've got that. Yeah. Well, I didn't bring it. Wait. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I've been mandala affected. Have you got a little laugh left in your... No, no.

He come in... Honestly, he come to my house, right? He had a cane over his shoulder, a picnic blanket with all his belongings in it. All of them. And one of them... Some of those aren't mine, actually. Go get it, Clay. Go get a clip

We've got video on this So we can watch this on YouTube It does sound like a gift off me ma'am It sounds like something you got at your wedding She's very sweet like that And the adventure began oh god

oh god it's a pendant as well it's a pendant oh it's a pendant I always thought it was going to be

made out of wood no oh man it's over there aye hung hung on the

window thing way to open the window yeah but it's only for the people in the house. Like it doesn't say it on the other sides because I don't think you want to tempt burglars. Except your house is the one from Home Alone.

So will your future again. It sounds really ominous as well, doesn't it? You're just like, welcome in. Yeah, spiders caught another fly. Your life is about to take a turn. Come into the basement. How is this going to end? Three hugs on your open window.

Come in and don't look down so you got up this morning opened the gate and saw the adventure begins and then your wife phoned and said that we're at war with Russia no no she said we were at war and then I opened the gate and the fact that it's snowing

wouldn't have helped we're at war with Russia and so the adventure begins an arctic landscape that's on snow that's ash how did they get

the madness about that that just started in Glasgow they're just saying right we're gonna invade the Ukraine

psych motherfucker we're getting hydro nobody saw that coming trying to get the Russians to drink a haggis bomb this will knock them out

I put hairs on their chests and you got woke up by a wife too my wife woke me up very much

about half six this morning she gets up about seven start work and she woke me up at half 6

to tell me that the Ukraine had been invaded and I was like there's very little I can like the horse was already bolted so

you could have woke me up at 4 alright honey get my cape I'm on the next flight I'll fly actually I don't even need a I'll fly beside a flight

because I actually don't know where it is. But is there a flight going to the Ukraine that I can follow with my cape on? I'll sort this. Get one of those

old address phone books. Write P, P-U, P-U. Where is it? Yeah, P-U. You get on Skyscanner and you're like, oh, they're fucking only flying from Prestwick.

Can you drop us off at Prestwick so I can fly along the side of the flight who's still going to I paid for the holiday I am going we were watching

the queues of traffic of everybody leaving yeah Donetsk Donetsk and we're watching the queues of traffic right and then just one car

on the other side of the dual carriage we're just bombing past the reporter fuck I left the oven on who's that mad cunt yeah so

we've caught a spy and he's not a very good one that's how long it's a text message my husband's out the house I was like, who's fucking bombing at 70 towards the fucking

after four zone? Just like, I'm going to have a look. So, Deliveroo, Janice wanted a burrito. And I got to walk up and see my piggy

had lots of snow stuck off there And it was kind of matte if I didn't get it out So I had a very less exciting week I'll call off my wife What happens now? Is this like proper war now? Not yet I think they're going to give him to Ukraine

But if he goes into any of the NATO countries Which I think they're going to give him to Ukraine, but if he goes into any of the NATO countries, which I think he's going to do, then yes, we can have an all-out war. But, I mean, we don't have the best leaders in place for this. Like, maybe the worst I could imagine. Like, there's a lot of Russian money involved in all of their electing elections. Even down to... I don't know that America rigged their big elections,

but they definitely rigged their primaries. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you have to ask, who did that? It's not totally proven that the Russians did that. So you think they've been actively weakening their enemy for a long time now? Yeah, this has been part of a plan.

Funding Brexit. But they... I've read a thing once and listened to a radio show about it that when people were outraged that the Russians were involving themselves in the American election,

fucking Americans did it to the Russian elections a lot. Aye. Like, when Yeltsin was basically a walking alcoholic, like he was a proper functioning alcoholic and could barely stand. The Americans were basically keeping

him in power. So that kind of outrage that... Is it like, you know, if one of your kids nips their sibling and then gets hit back and then goes, Mom! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, fucking,, Mom! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like,

fucking, the pair of you! Get your own rooms. Yeah. I think you can let America off for that because it was technically funny. To let a really drunk man run a country. Oh, God, yeah, yeah.

Sort of like a Mr. Bean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was proper funny for a while. Like things he couldn't do, like get off a Mr. Beans kiss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was proper funny for a while. Like things he couldn't do, like get off a plane. He was just like, just wait

and the band had to play on because he snored. There's footage of him when he gets up on stage on a rock band zone and just basically collapses over. It's incredible.

Like Neil Lennon after he got fired from Celtic. Collapse, he's over it, it's incredible Like Neil Lennon after he got fired from Celtic Does he even like Did he come to and go Have I been running Russia? I have faint recollections of running a country. 92 missed calls.

The fuck is Finland? You know, when I watched this morning, that phone in on the Scottish football radio. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? I'll fucking, I'll... Do you want to i'll fucking i'll play it i'll play it hi oh where's my phone oh what a dick if you can't find that i can do it i've got it down pat can you do it yeah right i'll explain like the the kid so there's there was was back in god what would this be

late 90s the best goalkeeper in the Scottish League was a guy called Antti Niemi he was from Finland and he played for Hearts and we were blessed with great goalkeepers at the time and a guy phoned into a

football phone-in show to say listen I can understand him picking hearts players are doing well and he's picked this player and he's picked this player but i can't understand why he's ignoring auntie naemi and the guy goes auntie naemi he was like hi for scotland and he went hi and he went he went, he's from Finland. He's from what? He's Finnish. And the guy goes, he's not Finnish. He's only 28.

Man, so earnestly. So earnestly. Absolutely fucking bewildered by the goal of this radio presenter. He suggests that his career's over. His realisation was heartbreaking at the end he's like oh I didn't know he's from Finland

is he? fucking Mandela effect I did a gig in the interior of Canada just many years ago. And it was like a road gig in a really rough bar.

And it was a guy from Finland. I'd just been spritzing and found out there was a guy from Finland, a really large man sitting right there. And those gigs don't always go well but i'd actually had a good gig and i and i was able to just go and now it's time for my big finish and i pointed at him oh big round of applause and i was like yeah you can't it's not gonna happen every night yeah that's not gonna to happen every night. Yeah, that's not going to work on Twitter tomorrow. Peeing this guy to come on tour with you.

Come on, come on, RT. I did a gig in Helsinki with, you know, Luke Benson? Yeah. Big tall guy, Geordie. I don't remember why they booked two Geordies everywhere. I think we're travelling. And me and him were on, and he'd done this routine that didn't quite land, and it was about his lass, my lass,

and he's talking about stuff she does when she's doing housework. And I kind of gathered, like, they don't know what lass means, they don't know the translation for lass, and he comes off, like, the gigs went well, and then that bit just kind of sucked a bit for him at the end. And when he came off, I was like, you know, like, last is a fucking really derogatory term for black people in finland it's like they're oh my god it's not it's not but i told luke benson that

he came off stage i mean he's a pale motherfucker anyway, but that guy went blue. He turned around, he was kind of going back up. Louis Zezerun was on hosting. And he was going to get back on stage. I had to grab him and be like, whoa, whoa, dude. Why? Why did you grab him? I know. Even if you told the crowd after what you had done.

Don't grab him. Grab your phone. Grab your phone. Record what you had done. Don't grab him. Grab your phone. Yeah. Grab your phone. Record what's going down. Oh, my God. Yeltsin never would have grabbed him. I'll tell you that much.

Yeltsin would have let that play out. I like that it was my last. Yeah, my last. Yeah, he's just become a slave owner that's what I thought and it was all about like a housework

and shit yeah I can't get my last to do the housework properly really I tell you I never would but sometimes

oh she's a good singer though I'll give her that I'll give her that The sex is starting to wane Since I had my kids Jesus Just recounting all your jokes Since I had my kids. Jesus.

Just recounting all your jokes. He's not right about the fucking time that I found out that poop didn't mean fart and it meant shit. I've talked about this a million times on the podcast with Danny. It comes up, right? But I don't think I've spoken to you about it. Danny was late.

You've got to stop saying you've pooped after you've let one rip. Like people, you've spoken to you about it um out daddy was late you've got to stop saying you've pooped after you've let one rip like people you've told everyone you're shitting yourself right i was like poop means fart you think it means shit like what how happened this conversation i'm like mandela effect no um he's like let's put on twitter and see what people say right and 99 of the people said poop means shit the one percent that replied to me on twitter grew up within like a mile of my house it was like not even like a town-wide thing more like a fucking neighborhood wide wow that just somehow this fucking cooping people were calling the farts a poop a poop So when you say I've just pooped

You'd mean you just farted Uh huh What did you do when you had actually pooped A lot of shit But would you say Poo, a poo So poo is a poo So you wouldn't say I pooped

And even still now when we're having this conversation I'm like if poop feels like it means fart in my head Because I've had like fucking nearly 30 years before I realised Right That it doesn't. And I had to fucking live through every fucking conversation that I might have had. Like just like, oh my brother used to pin me down pooping my face.

Like that shit. You know what it's like when you poop in a lift. My wife never used to poop in the bed. Now she probably do me. Trying to blam it on someone else you may as well wipe your arse after that poop it smells like a bad one

may as well wipe it brutal, brutal realisation I'd like to Might as well wait a bit. Brutal, brutal realisation. Yeah, who... I'd like to find out who broke that and spread it to the others. And, yeah, and who was... Like, there had to be a rampart that stopped it from spreading everywhere.

Because some people were just like, no, no, some of the surrounding houses. Yeah, that's kind of your responsibility now. To correct everybody. You've got to get back to the township and like, here ye, here ye. We've been using poop wrong. We've been using poop wrong.

Ready, get me my tricorn. And my bell. I'm We've been using poop. Wrong. Honey, get me my tricorn. And my bell. I'm going to go fix this. Don't cry. I've always thought that had to have died out, but it probably didn't die out all at once. Down crying was just a, Shut up!

You shut up! Someone hung on to that job, didn't they? Someone was like, nah, I've been doing this for 27 years. I'm going to keep doing it. My dad did it and his dad before him. And you're like, it's 2007.

You're just reading Facebook statuses out at this point. You still get them whenever, it's not that guy that comes out whenever a royal baby's born he'll come out with a big scroll

and then he'll ring a bell and everyone gathers round and you've got all those people you know those mental people that hang about the hospital dressed completely

in Union Jacks waiting to see a baby that they don't know the people that are having the baby this is new to me I know what you're talking about I'll be seeing you on his fun Union Jack

when William and Kate had their first kid there was like gangs that would camp outside for days it's always older men as well they would camp outside for days outside the hospital they should be on a registry for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They should have to report to the police when they switch towns. Well, just a couple of middle-aged guys who love looking at babies. I don't think that's free country. We're just going to keep an eye on you. You watch the baby, we'll watch you. Who guards the guards? Hey, guys, I've got some free ankle bracelets. Who wants a free ankle bracelet?

It's got the baby's, it's got baby George's. It's embossed. It's really nice. Union Jack. Yeah. And they don't come off. They really don't come off. So you can shower them and everything.

You never seen those dudes? So that's just royal babies, is it? Nobody queued up before my kids were born. Union Jack in Scotland. Presumably, though, if they congregate for a royal baby, you could hire

another town crier to go give some uncomfortable truths about the royal family. Hire a Prince Andrew town crier to go give some uncomfortable truths about the royal family. Hire a Prince Andrew town crier. Get into what he did. Just reads off a Pizza Express menu. Hear ye, hear ye. On three different occasions he was known.

different occasions he was known to so that they don't cry so they get the people that gather waiting for the news

of the royal baby a guy comes out and unscrolls a big thing and announces what time what date the baby was born and then the name

and then people cheer and do they do the weight that seems very important to some people I. And do they do the weight? That seems very important to some people. I don't think they do the weight actually. No. He actually

he works the rest of the year with Prince Andrew and actually writes out the date of his date's birth. So he's kind of weighed out the and we go.

Starts his savings account to keep them quiet just opens an ice the minute they're born well by the time they're 20 I'll pay them off it doesn't doesn't reek of innocence

does it giving someone 12 million to shut the fuck up about rape accusations yeah you're like okay that's gonna keep you out of court but now we all know that's what they've admitted to it now yeah yeah because it rarely have i ever given anything to somebody i don't remember meeting yeah i think i think that i think you should be allowed to get away with it but you should have to give 12 million to everyone who doesn't remember me eating

the weirdest one was the defence before when they tried to get it off because Epstein had made them all sign a thing so that they wouldn't ever prosecute these particular people so the defence was basically no you can't say anything about me because my friend

who is a convicted sex offender made you promise not to because my friend who is a convicted sex offender made you promise not to say that i was also a convicted sex offender yeah and i don't remember meeting you but i know that i met you through my friend yeah yeah yeah and there are many photos of us together saying this that you won't grass on with for nonsense on you yeah you're like i wasn't fucking i was being human trafficked i'd saying anything that was put in front of me i thought i was gonna die and i i'm i i'm disheartened with the the american police force where something like that can happen and they're like so it just gave her 12 million and you don't think a crime might... No, I don't think so. Sometimes, you know, a prince comes around and gives 12 million.

I read fairy tales. Lucky lady. Somebody sounds jealous. Yeah, what if he's going to do it again? If we start investigating him every time he does this, you might be next. Who knows? He's taking a postcode lottery. Prince Andrew's postcode lottery. Prince Andrew's

postcode lottery. The DOB lottery. I've got my ticket. Changed my life. I'd still do my job. I'd still go to work on Monday and do it for the social life.

It's been Sandringham's day and I got 12 million. I'd buy a nice house. I'd give some to my friends. I'd give a lot to charity. Got superstitions in that hope when he touches you up. Do you reckon the Queen will survive her COVID?

If she does If a 95 year old woman survives Covid We should have just not bothered about it We should have just said Right, I crack on You kind of whack that off at 95 And it'd be a serious pandemic If you're Prince Charles

And she survives this, that must be the final nail where you go, well, this is never happening for me. Like, if a fucking worldwide pandemic can't kill her off, nothing ever will. No. Just accept you're never getting the job. I also think it,

because everybody talks about how hard she works. It's like, well, it's not a hard job. A 95-year-old woman with COVID is doing it right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I reckon I can do it. If she couldn't go down the mine today, you'd go, well, how hard she works. She's got COVID. What's the black lung that she normally has because of all the mining and i bet her health care is terrible

i was thinking this the other day i was talking to somebody because i said about something that i wasn't looking forward to and then they they were kind of going, well, it doesn't matter. Like, I mean, it was something at work. And they were like, well, I mean, things could be worse. You could work down a mine, right? And that's like a standard saying. Oh, it could be worse. You could work down a mine.

Miners must hear that. And just, like, if you're standing at a bar just having a drink and there's a load of people talking about an IT project they've got coming up and going, well, could be worse, could work down a mine, and he's just standing there going, oh god my life sucks

I heard a story about this mine that the Nazis had. I didn't know, but the Nazis actually had a concentration camp mine. Fuck. I just think that is a version of hell. Because it already sucks working in a mine. Is that what a gulag is?

Is a gulag a work camp? Gulags, yeah, they were salt mining in a gulag is yeah well gulags yeah they would have they would have they were salt mining in the gulags um but i think they were going they were looking for coal in this mine and and just the conditions of like like it's it's hard to make a mine nice for people are being paid yeah we don't need the canaries it's okay we just we just send more in there you sure we don't need a canary because we're running pretty low here i mean like literally but they were um yeah it was but there was also um a concentration camp that was a show concentration camp to show the world like hey it's not so bad oh and they had like a symphony and stuff they put like videos together didn't they with them having a swell

time yeah we're skipping ropes and shit yeah cut to the mine like a botlands camp yeah it was like yeah they're

happy look they've got a mcdonald's fuck it that was

was it the boy in the straight pyjamas where they were cutting their videos

together there was a war movie about concentration camps they were making the propaganda

videos and shit I thought the bananas in pyjamas came up movie about concentration camps that was all like they were they were making the propaganda videos and shit i was i thought you the bananas in pajamas was it the bananas in pajamas no that was honestly the bananas in pajamas yeah i don't know i heard i listened to the world service and that that told me of that bloody hell yeah yeah don't listen to that on the way to the gigs it was really but it was um it was uh the holocaust week on the world service so yeah it was uh it was really depressing yeah it's super depressing holocaust week comes around every earlier every year doesn doesn't it? Jesus.

Is that Tesco? They got their Holocaust stuff in. It's only April. I heard Holocaust songs the other day when I was in the car. I always knew I had the Holocaust songs on. Doing a remote from a car dealership. We're down here at Murray Ford for Holocaust week. I've already got my bananas in the straight pyjamas Holocaust songs

just please release me on loop they had they were playing songs that were some of the songs that came out of the concentration camps and not lively

MLMB? No. It wasn't their escapism. It wasn't German techno. Yeah, though. Anyway. Sing us one. This goes out to all my friends in the Ukraine.

Get ready. This is about my friends in the Ukraine. Get ready. This is about to rise in the charts. Just gets a resurgence in the charts every time there's a war. Claims it. Nobody to mark with the weather. It's got rain. over to Mark with the weather it's got rain

yeah man you've been up to something can you talk about that eh I don't know I think I can

yeah yeah I did the pilot yeah yeah the radio show I do good to bad

and the unexpected you're doing Fatelli doing Fatelli yeah when can do can people i don't know i think it's next next month sometime about the 22nd of march i think class yeah more news when we have it because that's yeah yeah no it'll be good yeah it will be good it's weird man

like uh did you did you spin it much because i know people found out about your show last time you want so they'll have listened to it. Is it very different to what you do? No, it's pretty much exactly the same as we did. Although, I tell you what I did do, because I sent you a photo of this. I went to the... So for one of the videos we do,

I basically went to... Because we'd done one... I think you've seen the video of me doing the crossbar challenge against a Scotland internationalist. Yeah, that's... And I beat her. I was fucking delighted.

So for this one we did, I went to the winners of the best beef sausage in Scotland, this butcher's, and they taught me how to make sausages. So I had to try and beat the world record for making as many sausages as I could in a minute. The world record's 78. And how many did you do?

Six. You did six? Six. You made six sausages? It's fucking... Did you get to keep them? I did, I did. I got to take them home and feed them to the kids.

They're in hospital now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I missed them. They'd have loved to issue crane stuff. It's Holocaust week as well It's the hardest time to lose someone It should be a Patreon episode This is a public episode

It's the most sexually weird thing Making sausages For the kids What were you sticking in those sausages because you pick this what's this it's like a it's a sheepskin out we really thin sheepskin out from this bucket of water and then you've got to feed it onto this metal like shooter of meat so you just you put it on like that and then you've basically got to wank it up towards and there's and because it's all

it's wet you need to try and drain the water off while you're doing it so there's all this milky water just splashing everywhere while you're just doing this

so it's actually it's got replica spunk on it yeah basically yeah yeah they added that because yeah yeah

it doesn't need to be there that's why I was so good at it yeah switched hands instead of I was so good at it. Yeah. Switched hands instead of... Stint two. Yeah. Imagine if you'd set the record. Training for this my whole life.

Yeah. We have a new king. Hear ye, hear ye. On this very day. Guys in Union Jack suits crying outside the butchers. Yeah, if you're looking for the new king of sausage jerking, it's hanging around the side of the hospital when the royal baby's born. That's where you're going to find your B.A. Baracus.

I'm thinking of the fucking Rocky. I couldn't get my terms right. But just Google what I mean. What was Mr. T's name in Clubber Lang? Clubber Lang. Clubber Lang. In a pop quiz in the same film, what was Hulk Hogan's name?

Thunderlips. Thunderlips, that's it. That was weird. It's a weird thing to have him be called. It was weird because Hulk Hogan, like, I don't know what the height of Sylvester Stallone is, but I always imagined he was quite big. But compared to Hogan, he's fucking tiny.

Hogan properly rack dolls him about the place. Yeah, Sylvester Stallone is very short. Is he? rack dolls him about the place. Yeah. Sylvester Stallone is very short. Is he? Yes, he wears lifts in his shoes and everything. Ah. I always thought he'd be about 6'2 or something like that, because he's always... I don't think so.

Maybe I'm thinking of someone else. I've always thought him to be... To be short. ...a small man, but like a big... Wide. That would actually be quite jarring, wouldn't it, if you like met sylvester sloan and he just waddled up there he held his handshake 45 degrees yeah yeah you

just have to take a swing at him i'm a slave to stories i'm a slave to stories i need to tell my friends this I need to how was Hollywood well I tripped over Rambo that's weird you can't you can't at the LA fucking

where's the Chinese man's theatre where what's it called again the Hollywood Grammar's Chinese Theatre Walk of Fame there where the hands it's just tiny little hands

like a like a baby's died like a baby's died like a baby's died like a tombstone I don't know that's where they're born you get that it's Holocaust week

all the babies have to die in the show a woman cradling her dead baby and people a cement mixer bringing in and going

just before you grieve could we just get the hands it's all right yeah but it's like uh it's like a roller coaster you don't have to buy it but you just you know we'll do it and then you at the end of the service you can you you have an option no i don't think, is that a mouse mat? Oh, I see that. Look, I came from a reality where they do handprints of dead babies with two stones, okay? It's a Mandela effect again. I keep switching.

I'm just always graphically wrong about weird stuff. It's just who I am. I went on a stag do in Blythe. Oh, so you did, yeah. Which was fun, because we got absolutely mulled in a working men's club. The cons club, which is... Cons is short for conservative, right? I went to a Tory working man's club on a stag do.

I remember I was i was mashed right and i heard it i heard a dog barking in the other room we were on the snooker hall bit right i heard a dog barking and um you know i'm a recent dog lover i've never been fucking i've never i've never been close with dogs i've never had one right and then i've always been a little bit fucking standoffish with you know if you see like a stray dog off a leash, like I'll cross the road and shit. I'm always like, I don't just like default, consider them to be safe.

And I just walked into that room and there's this fucking Rottweiler off the lead in the working friends club. And I went in and just started fucking play fighting it like it was little Peggy. I woke up this morning, was I wrestling a fucking Rottweiler last night

and you know because it was 18 months it was still like kind of puppy mouthing you know when they put their hand on you like piggies done it to these guys

and you have to like ah ah ah and stop and like this Rottweiler I was just like mouthing at me hands and I'm like ah ah ah

it's like a little dog I was like I don't know that dog I was fucking I don't think any sentence has ever summed up the north-east of England more than you saying, was I wrestling a Rockwell in a working man's club last night?

A guy taking bets after that. Yeah, and then you wake up and turn over and you see, oh no, I just, I got laid. up and turn over and you see, oh no, I just, I got laid. Two very similar memories. I thought I got away from Blythe, lasses. I moved to Glasgow because there were too much. I married a Glaswegian because the Blythe girls, I couldn't handle them.

How cheap were the drinks in the Locker Mints Club? Oh, mate. Because I love this. It was, honestly, I got a fucking round for about seven people in, right? And it came to nine quid. It came to fucking nine quid for all the seven folk. And I was just like, I'll get these in every fucking round. Like, that was the bill of the ball. I couldn't believe it.

Did you go anywhere after? That was the afters. anywhere after that was the after well that was the after it was like you know what we ended up there at like 2 in the morning but every now and then

if it was meant to be it would have had like a buzzer door you know you had to buzz in and that and like somebody had to be a member

and shit like that all the lads happened to be or whatever the fuck right because we're taking Gav on his stag to altitude yeah

but like we kind of expect everybody to fucking up sticks and come to the Alps it's short the rounds are going to be considerably more expensive

too in the Alps Geneva airport or wherever you're flying in it's Munich isn't it so we just said

we'll get the old football team back together oh nice because we used to play Sunday League for a pub called the Kitty Brewster

which is now actually a butcher's it's been repurposed well if they need a sausage maker there you go and we're fucking we've got that old

squad back together man we'll look old aye we'll look fucking old man you know when I'm looking at these lads we used to run like

fuck around a football pitch fit as fuck and now like everyone's gone bald and grey and now I wait that and I'm just

saying we're here blink of an eye and we're here yeah because you didn't realise how much time passes until you get the old

crew back together aye you didn't do anything embarrassing to Garv did you not like a you couldn't put Garv in fancy dress

if you tried he turns up looking like Kanye West I have no way he got this from me put the fuck of my guns into the charity shops and just find shit that shouldn't exist fancy dress if you try it, he turns up looking like Kanye West. I have no idea where he got this from, right?

He goes into the charity shops and just finds shit that shouldn't exist. They must have just made one of them. That wasn't a factory made piece. Motherfucker, he had fluffy joggers on, like fluffy, like the rug. Like these beige fluffy joggers.

You kind of put that man in fancy dress you kind of embarrass him with clothes you know what you should dress him up dress him up just like you know

he's just in a regular you know what he turned up to a wedding the other day looking like a master of ceremonies from the box and he had like

this kind of like fucking floral red embroidery through his suit like I'm getting handed of him like he fucking pulls it off and he had this kind of fucking floral red embroidery through his suit. I'm getting handed of him. He fucking pulls it off. He looks class.

With the joggers, with the fleece joggers that he had on, he had this, you know, like an Arsene Wenger style jacket like doing your knees. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A jacket doing the knees. So the fleece joggers were just poking out the bottom like fucking Aladdin, right?

It was like black, then bright purple. Fucking hell. You're kind of embarrassing me. There's not much I can do. At my first wedding, it was back when not all the comics were financially stable as they are now. My second wedding, everyone looked good,

but the first one, Mickey D showed up. So ill-dressed for a wedding. This is when he was drinking. Yeah. We had the group wedding shot. We had to move him behind people and just have his head peep out. You're at a wedding, dude.

Yeah, was that when you got first married? Oh. I've not thought of that for a very long time. That's why you're divorced. Yeah. You forgot it too many times. I hope I remember to get the divorce. I might be in a lot of trouble after my second marriage.

What happens if you just go out and get married again? Do they pull background checks on you? Bigamy. Bigamy, yeah. Is that bigamy? Yeah. Is that what bigamy is? Just remarrying again? Yeah's it's highly illegal which is weird in that it's not illegal to have

two partners it's just um it's like you know you just you can't lie to god in the house that's all that's all you've really done but so is that is that what is that what creates the law that it's in the eyes of the lord yeah i think so but there's also financial benefits to being married but i don't know that you you would gain anything from having it twice but it's a shitty thing to do to somebody else you know but then there's some religions that um allow it and they don't they just don't talk about that as the world's starting to break more social norms now you're not going to get like where like throuples are going to want to be getting married and stuff like you're probably going to have some like

polygamy like um polygamy rights will start coming through soon whether like why why can't our relationship with this orgy be recognized well the problem with it is on a large scale, if there's like a big sort of chieftain of the area that takes 30 brides, that means there's 30 dudes in that area that don't have anything to do. And then somebody comes along and organizes them and then you've got a militia, or they're going to other areas to find a bride, and that's pissing off.

So there is actually reasons why you should only have one partner, and just that's all you need. So they're saying a harem is a big incel maker. Yes. Hareems fund the incels. Yeah. That was actually part of my wedding vows. I told my wife that I was getting married

so I didn't join a militia. That was the only reason why. You're keeping me sane, baby. I'll be vegging me to start to mobilise. I just need to opt out. Can you sign this? I feel bad for all those incel militia men now.

Come to the Ukraine. I don't want to go to the Ukraine. Fight Russia with all their weird biological weapons. We were talking this morning about, I don't know what war looks like now. You know how it used to face up it used to face up against each other

and then like at first it would run towards each other and clink and then they started shooting each other and now it's like

now it will be cyber it could be like a nerve agent in your fucking in just a public place yeah

like after watching that Salisbury thing I would just say if that's at that disposal and that's what warfare is going to be fuck man that's going to be shite that's going to be really shite if it fucking kicks on

unless for whatever reason it only kills the unvaccinated then we'll have cornered them into like I fucking know more than... And in one fell swoop, they were never missed again. The internet was a lot nicer. The victimless wall.

Yeah, we kind of have a little parade for Putin every year, just to thank him. Yeah, we kind of apologize for our initial stance. Yeah, well, you know, we didn't know that was his plan, but he should have just said. Let me tell you about 2022, the good war. Grandpa, why do they call yours the greatest generation? Well, I'll tell you, grandson.

The world used to be a very terrible place with a lot of morons speaking. We found a way of weeding it out. When it rains, son, the worms come to the surface. But in reality though We're all going to die Yeah Your vaccine will not save you From what Putin has planned It was nice living in that pocket

For a second Yeah Do you remember Like I was thinking about this Yesterday When all this was starting to kick off Do you remember when the news was boring

Like I remember like a golden time. It might just be like rose-tinted specs when I'm looking back because I didn't really pay as much attention and I was a teenager and the early 20s had other shit to do. But remember, like, there would be months where fuck all would happen.

Literally fuck all would happen. In politics, political stuff, like, it stuff just boring and we've not had that for at least a decade front page of the news post lead I once ran a story about the donated the Christmas trees to the dead Christmas trees

to Kirkley Hall College for the guinea pigs to rub up against front page news front page news you mean that time? Front page news. Front page news. You mean that time? Yeah, well, I mean, that's taken it to the extreme. That was local news. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This weekend, the front page will be breaking. Poop doesn't mean what we think it does. Please report to the town hall we will be updating i just think it's like it's a dick move anyway that fucking putin's day day in this but like read the fucking room man we're just starting to live restrictions from the pandemic which was a global problem that we all went through because we're not just like could not just fucking chill for a bit before you square go yeah before you're like you didn't come out of a pandemic really so you don't have a fight on the grass you're like how am i like let us just my social skills are a bit lacking at the minute i'm trying to readjust to meeting people again i don't want to fight you can you just in a minute

can we fight can we fight next year? Yeah, he should have done this during the pandemic and then we just legally were not allowed to fight him. Oh, socially distanced. They're much more than water. Whips. You'll have people going, I'm not wearing a gas mask. You can't take away my civil liberties to wear a gas mask. Did you watch the new South Park?

No. Where they're not allowed to wear pyjamas on Pyjama Friday at school. So the parents in protest turn up to work with pyjamas on. Some people are wearing pyjamas and some people refuse to wear pajamas and like it was about masks it was about masks it was like this guy's like claiming into bed with his fucking suit and shoes on just going you can't make me wear pajamas and claiming into bed fully dressed and it took me until right towards the end of the show to realize it was about masks i thought it was about the holocaust i had the same thing with don't look up it took me a long long time and then i said to my wife like maybe a half hour in even you know this isn't about

a comic this is actually about global warming and pandemics and whatever the problem is. Yeah, I know, Glenn. No, no, I knew the whole time. I was just waiting for you to... Mansplaining it, do I? I didn't enjoy it until the penny dropped. Yeah. I was like, this isn't funny enough to be a comedy

and it's not serious enough to be serious. It was just in this weird limbo. It was when the glass shattered and I was like, oh, it's a satire. It's about us. It's about us. It took a while for me too. I was there.

One of your jokes last night, I didn't get until... Even when you like explained it you must have heard it like laughing halfway through your next joke because I got it

it's a spelling joke guy I don't mind I'll tell it it's about hives my wife's about hives. My wife suffered from hives during pregnancy. And I don't know if you've ever seen someone suffer from hives,

but you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy unless you had a doctor who, for some reason, spelled all of his diagnoses. I'm sorry, ma'am. You have HIV. Yes. Yes. It took Kai a good couple minutes. Two dry swallows.

Then you announce the interval and Kai's like... The comic at the back. I look around at everyone enjoying themselves at the gig and the active mind of a comedian at the back is like grinding gears. It's dead ashamed. It was like coming out the air, wasn't it, at the end? That was like Clint.

Well, it was a weird crowd because you could tell they were learned and I was putting in you know sometimes you don't put all the hard bits in you just know that it'll just

make them blink but there was it was a smart crowd but there was one guy who heckled really oddly right at the start so

really Mark he made at him he fucking what was he he made at the heckler was he pissed or I know he was him. What was he? He murdered the heckler. Was he pissed or? No, he was English. Yeah.

And he brought it up. Like, at the end, I think he was doing it. I think he decided he was going to heckle because it just came in at such an odd time. Yeah, it was about... If I wipe my arse with books, because he's done about about if i wipe my ass with books because you've done about you improvising wiping your ass with books yeah yeah yeah and he went my wife would kill me um and it just it was really like i you know so i'll do duly noted if if this guy wipes his ass with his books, his wife would be really upset by that. And then he said, he kept going. He goes, I don't think she can read.

And I was like, how old is she? And then he realized he'd left open like he'd been tagged a pedophile. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, I don't know. She's from open like a, like he'd been tagged a pedophile. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, I don't know, she's from the Middle East, like that. And I was like, you fucking, he went from pedophile to racist. And yeah, I was. And you called him, you called him, you went off on a fucking yawn about him, kicking off about him to the crowd and you went,

this Ku Klux klan pedophile and then after he like he stayed slapped you just went but don't talk though it was like we're laughing at you we're laughing at you we're laughing at you but i fucking mean it he just didn't talk again so like this was right at the start as well right at the start and not like not a raucous crowd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a crowd that was there to see a show. Like, like, like almost a theater crowd. Yeah.

Really. Yeah. So, and you had this one fucking jerk. And I just don't, I, I don't know how he goes home going, oh, I don't think that night went so well. Yeah. Everybody thinks I'm a paedophile racist now. You like respectful literature.

Yeah. I left the house just as a wanker, but now, oh, things are much worse. His 12-year-old Middle Eastern bride comes to the door. Honey, how did he, how did he do tonight? Not good. Not good. Not good. They know.

You're sick of those. Pack your shit. We're going to move to another time. Yeah, we're going to get you into another school. I'm sorry. I know you've made new friends there. Yeah. Give me one of your books I have to go to the bathroom

This has crayon on it I'm going to have to put crayon on my ass again The doctor's going to get suspicious Wait His girlfriend's coloring books Not one of your Middle Eastern books wipe his ass with his girlfriend's colouring books not one of your middle eastern books

I don't know wipe my ass right to left I've since having a child I've I've learned a lot about wiping my own ass

from you'd never that having to wipe someone else's ass is the final stage of learning yeah how to wipe your own ass you're getting better yeah you get a better profile on how you get a better view of how how it goes down the mechanics of the wipe yeah i've been waiting at this we, blamed. I've been wiping it blamed. It also, yeah, you see how shit can get up your back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, how often has that happened to me? And he's not good at wiping his own bum either.

No, he's, my son's done, because he's getting that independent where he likes to do it himself but he shifts a lot of the time on the toilet. So he likes to have a look at what he's just done. But because he shifts with his shit still in his arse

he then scrapes it right along the bowl. So then suddenly then it's on the leg. And then it's just getting spread everywhere it's like disgusting yeah that's what Brendan Burns used to be like when he drank Maxwell has a funny

term for shit he calls it prison ink prison ink Prison ink Written in prison ink on the wall Oh my god That's fucking beautiful That's poetic Like your books

Yeah Like all your books are we going to do dad jokes you didn't write any did you I didn't I forgot to heads you up

this morning I don't think I did either did you not I've got a couple that we didn't do last week so we'll just leave it then we'll do some we'll end on that

anti-climax tune in next time for shit we should have done this time I dropped a fucking three year punchline on Glenn yesterday I was going to his wedding right

and when I was drinking on the train and I picked up a card and it was like I don't know anyone at this wedding I'm just a plus one or something

on the card right I bought that one and then made it out from mam and dad. And just fucking drunk and feeling silly on the train, and put some money in, and fucking Glenn for three years didn't know which parents he got the cash from.

And that was just a little conversation, I was like, oh, that was me, by the way. Forgot to finish that joke. Yeah, I haven't spoke to my parents for years over that incident. So it was really good to get it cleared up. Just one parent going, thanks for the, okay, okay. Just taking credit.

I'm a fiver I know it's my second wedding But I'm a fiver Alright let's get this on lane So people can listen to it And laugh about the fucking war That they're about to be in Thanks guys Oh shit

Stuff to plug You're still on tour now yeah still got a handful of dates left on the tour and me and Andrew Maxwell are starting a podcast

oh nice I'm laughing you fucking stood up for there's been so much sniping oh god it made two do podcasts like fucking people

it's become like a trend to yeah ridiculous but it's it's because like it's basically because have awards has got so popular the jealousy now is seeping out of people that have never started the podcast isn't it because they're now going well if i start one it's either going to look like i'm just copying them and trying to be them so it's much easier for me to just go ugh another podcast

with two men and the notes are going to flop because now they're not going to bring what they're bringing yeah yeah yeah I think it's ridiculous

when you're trying to shit on other people's efforts as opposed to just just apply some effort to you like yeah the fact that it's not part of your TV license man

it's not getting it's not getting put on it at fucking nine o'clock on your one channel. Yeah, well, that was the thing. You've got to go and find it, man. That was what somebody said to me. They were like that. Podcasts aren't readily available as other media is. You have to search. And it's particular.

Like if it is a big, massive podcast with two dudes, then yeah, you might come across it. But most of it, a big massive podcast with two dudes then yeah you might come across it but most of it you need to specifically be looking for it so then you become one of those pricks that is just doing stuff to annoy yourself yeah and anybody who's like podcasts are just a massive meritocracy like it's just if it's good, people will listen. Exactly, yeah. If your complaint is like, oh, that's too fair! Come on! We've tried to set up a system that keeps talented

people silent, and then these podcasts come along, and they're just two dudes talking? What the fuck of news is two dudes talking? That can't be your complaint. Have you heard poor people can make these themselves? Without make these themselves? Without any help themselves.

And very soon after, Ukraine fell. It is such a strange thing to gripe about. It's like someone complaining about what you do in your own home. It's like, well, you've got those cushions. You're like, oh, why are you looking through my window? Like, this is my world. It's comics, man. They're the fucking worst. I remember when Manfred set up those comedy clubs.

He got famous. I think his brother helped, too. But I see your comics bitching in green rooms. Well, that's not what I would do. I wouldn't set up a comedy club if I was famous. I'm like, what? Just don't. What are you mad about now

another place to work oh idiot and as well podcasting I think I think it was such a fucking great service

for like when you're lonely on a drive or something it's like it's like I'm like oh they're invaluable I'm like

I'm I'm a bit bored in my own company now like fucking i'm ruminating over stuff right i'm fucking on this long drive that i sometimes didn't want to be on yeah and all of a sudden i'm in the company of fucking two people that i really enjoy and i feel like i'm like i'm bought into it yeah because i'm driving after this i'm driving down south and then i'm going to be driving all weekend so podcasts are and i've got like when I first started putting together the favorites I want I was like I want a film podcast I want a music podcast I want something to do with conspiracy theories and then and I was like

there's something missing and I came across there's a podcast I found on a it was an advert from another podcast it's called the history of the 90s and I was like literally this has been made for me that is like a specifically suited podcast I fucking love it

yeah and who hosts it? I can't remember it's an American girl I got it from there's a guy called Jake Brennan who does a podcast

called Disgraceland oh I love Disgraceland fucking oh good man yeah and he does Badlands now which is all Hollywood stories yeah oh god a podcast called Disgraceland oh I love Disgraceland oh good man yeah and he does Badlands now which is all

Hollywood stories yeah oh god so I've got it off that I'll take them off but yeah

I listened to like the first couple episodes one was about Tyson they basically just take aspects of the 90s

and talk about them for 40 minutes I listened to one about Friends I listened to one about

Mike Tyson and I listened to one about Woodstock 99 and I was just like oh man this is fucking awesome you're like fuck i hope my next gig's in like bristol yeah i want to do the drive now yeah yeah yeah but anyway you know fuck those guys that make them what a dick thing what a dick thing to be so in these drives i presumably a man had you at gunpoint, forcing you to listen to these podcasts. And luckily you came to enjoy them.

But the way they came into your life was pretty sinister. Well, fucking keep enjoying the podcast, guys. Thanks for listening. And think about subscribing on Patreon if you want to keep it driving. Thanks very much for guesting on the show. No problem. I'll see you again soon.