Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Beaver Magnet (Ft. Mark Nelson & Phil Ellis)

Episode Date: April 2, 2025

A boozy no frills Altitude episode, it would be rude not to. With all of the podcast equipment on it's way to Australia, Muggins sets up with a USB mic and diminishing natural light. Watch as they get off to a chaotic start and descend into darkness with Mark Nelson and Phil Ellis joining Kai to recap an amazing week on the mountains. Phil confesses his love for Kai after writing and deleting a soppy Facebook post about him while drunk.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin, livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or Magical Boots cynical Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglipedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Alright Nelson, we've done it again. Jesus Christ. We've just done another week at Altitude. It's pure full throttle. Cheers man. You've done, you've gone a lot better than me this week. You didn't make it out last night did you? No, I fell asleep.

Put the kids to bed. Fell asleep on the beds, it's a bit. Me and Mark Nelson are here on Sloss and Humphries on the road. And we've just been joined by one Phil Ellis. Hey, that's what being in the bag for. Oh, thanks, Meg. May I just point out to people that are watching on the video that we've set this up on a balcony.

We're fighting daylight. And the camera's precariously balanced on the balcony. And the most clumsiest man I've ever met in my entire life is about a bowl past our expensive equipment. You do have that, Kenala. Please don't put that on there, Phil. Oh, for fuck's sake. There's a microphone on the table, Phil.

You've all met Phil Ellis fairly recently in the previous podcast, so you're aware. Great to be here. I'm really, I'm really excited, really buzzing for this. You do have that kind of stature of, you know those cunts they have outside car garages? They're just like, eeeh! I'm like, the rabie guys! The Q-Bomb guys! Yeah, he does the least.

I'll get the footage of this, I'll get the footage of this as well, right, because Matt Reid took a video of it. He tried to, he tried to run, he tackled me to the ground. Well, I did. No, I didn't. You fell. But you wouldn't move, you got like,

his centre of gravity is insane. I was on the- So I had to just pick you up and then fall backwards and then Reid was, I think he- That was a move on you, you got hurt. And wet. Mate, so I'm on the phone, trying to organise where I'm going. I've got snowboarding boots on, and he catches us unaware from behind, both arms rugby tackled.

Into the snow? Into the snow. It'll be really fun, we'll roll around, might get off with each other. No pressure, he's a wet man. And somehow he ended up on his back, with on top of him and I just got up and carried on my phone for a while. It was a damp slush. It's like a parrot going, oh yeah, oh nice one.

So I think Matt Reed recorded it didn't he? Yeah. I'll be able to put the video on top of this. I'll put a link down here. Can you hear the gravel in everybody's voices? Aye, my sh**. Jesus God. I haven't been smoking either.

I feel like a travelling person's just tarming up my drive. Only joking. What's that you're opening? So I bought this from a gift shop. I don't think you gift that to me.. Five pound navy, have you won the pool? Five ninety, I know, I know. It's a bit too much. Stop putting stuff on the table,

you're closing the fork, man. It's microphone. You're making television. Oh, what is that? No, I don't. How much do you piss off the people in the hall with the like, backwater channels that you're putting stuff on?

Do you remember BBC Three? Do you remember BBC Three? Do you remember BBC Three? Look what else I got. Some material that you can have at home. What are you doing Phil? I don't know. Oh I bought this, right, so I bought this. Yeah.

I'm gonna describe what we're looking at here. Oh yeah, sorry. There's a little paper bag that's crunching and he's just pulled out. It's a fridge magnet. It's a good one, isn't it? A fridge magnet. With a couple of be couple of there a couple of beavers like Getting a little bit cozy again. Yeah, I'm a little MDMA loving. Yeah, and there's the gondolas in the background

There's a little hut there Not for me that's Hand-painted Who you're gonna give that to so they can put it in a drawer? And then one day dream about throwing out the clipper? Do you want to hear all of Phil's bits? Oh, he has not. While Phil was digging through his pockets, he pulled out all of his notes.

So, he's going to start strong, one room flat. Classic Ellis, classic. Oh God. And then fire alarm. Have you ever seen the sequel? What's fire alarm? Hold on, can we just stay on one room flat? Fire alarm.

You were saying it yesterday if you went. Can we stay on one room flat at the minute? He was trying to appeal to people at Aldichie Comedy Festival about if they've had a flat share. The least we could really do. Give me a chair if you're're living in a house here? Sorry, did he say own? Did he say own a wandering flower? He just bought the mountain.

So what's viral on? Oh, it's a great bit. So I move up my house here back to my mum and dad's. And this is a true story though, from London, moved back to Preston, I lived there for about three months during lockdown. It was quite a grim period.

I lived in, I had an en suite because I was living in the back room, which is like the conservatory, but they didn't have any other rooms, only one bedroom without shit in it. So I would just wait in the garden. It was great, I was having a really good time. I bet they loved having you home.

Oh, they genuinely fucking hated it. I thought they'd love it and they hated it. You could just tell my dad was getting annoyed Yeah, he's just getting angry when I walk in here. I was like, oh, I'm just ruining your routine But I went around I went hey, yeah, I know it's a bit bad dad. You're not gonna be fire alarms He goes the word really one of them And he goes why do we need one we're always in You're always at risk And then my mom came down the stairs that I think this is the most northern thing to go down show What's your engine about? But I went says one got any fire alarms. She looked at me. She was

Southern fairies I'm nearly Southern... Southern fairies. I love the start of Burning Alive, they lived up north. Ha ha. Good bit though, eh? Did you just try a bit on us? No, you did. No, that's tried and tested. That was in the fifth best reviewed show.

Right, the only other one I want to ask about is paper clipped paedophile. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh sorry, that's not your notes. Just so the local pets call you. So, in conclusion, your honour, he's not a paperclip Peter Fletcher. Phil's had the funniest week because he's been... you missed his shows last night. But that was the last day of the festival. Like today is the last day of the festival, but this is the cherry on the top. This is the Pessabot festival but this is the like cherry on the top There's not a great deal This is the piss about it We piss about what we do what you call the clown hole where every comedian from the festival does five minutes each But up until yesterday you'd been at this festival for four days and hadn't done a single gig

Or a tainted one I think everyone thought I was just someone's alcoholic manager Aha People are just like Who's plus one is that weird guy? With a purple t-shirt and a time jacket. Stop putting stuff on the table! Oh, what is wrong with that?

It's just rattle through the mic. People like that. They feel like the part... I mean, they don't think you're in a studio, do they? They like the rift. Oh yeah, it's a bit tweet now. I've been tweeting them out. A bit of clinking there with this... I don't actually know what that is. It's peach snaps.

Peach snaps, are you gonna have some? Run a little bit, yeah, yeah. Run a little bit. Do you want a beer, anyone? No, I'll try. I've been running a joke with Elton, but as we mentioned before... Oh, don't do it again, Phil. I'm so sorry. It's genuinely meant to. He's fucking on purpose now.

He doesn't fucking, doesn't wake us up now. He nearly got knocked out last night. You're not a guy playing pool. Really? Oh, what are you doing? I'm getting my own table. So you clatter that around your nappy. You're a dickhead.

You're a dickhead. Can I try some, Phil? Nobody's made it past seven minutes on this podcast. It's chaos. I'm so sorry. Matt, you're on dickhead. You're a dickhead. Can I try some? Nobody's been here the past seven minutes of this podcast. It's chaos. I'm so sorry. Matt, you're on in five. You got any stories about... Matt Reid's just walking past the building at the minute.

I don't know if he knows if we're doing a podcast or if he just thinks that was sat just all cosy and shoulder to shoulder. It's all right, isn't it? It's quite nice, that. That's really nice. It's really sweet. Really hoo! Mark, no, Mark. It's all right, isn't it? It's quite nice, that. That's really nice. It's really sweet. Really nice. Oh, mate.

So, I've been running a joke about you being scared before gigs. Yeah. Because we always try to have through lanes in the gigs. You didn't know if you were there, Phil. This has come from, I had a new material, two new material shows to do last week. And I was shitting myself for lack of stuff I had so you message me I could help you know I was proper panicking I was messaging all my friends and then Kai quite rightly said why have

we why do we not take the piss at you more for getting so nervous before gigs because I do like through the fringe I spew before every single show you joke like what are you telling me that because that's why it threw me when I went oh he did message me so yeah I didn't realize yeah because as well if I start saying stuff that the film he'll be like I'd second-guessing what I'm saying but it's legit yeah yeah so so I was texting this guy man if I spewed up before every gig I just pretended people are bleamix up I think I was less of a woman I don't think I'm gonna get away with being bulimic so people would think I was less of a woman. I don't think I'm going to get away with being bulimic, to be honest.

He's bulimic, but he eats all up again afterwards. That's why he does it. I really enjoyed that. Can I eat my food twice? My dog does that. I did the... So when you told me that, well I went, oh yeah, did message read the day, I never realized you was actually genuinely that nervous, because I just said to you like, well just fill it out with stuff because people don't realise.

And then, um, I wasn't nervous, I was like, do you not get nervous? I'm like, no, no, no, no, yeah, because I don't want what I'm gonna do. Remember my agent told me off once, he went, you can laugh at yourself on stage. I went well. I've never heard it before I think it's great Yeah I went on and then I started to get nervous because it wasn't nervous You made that point I went oh Last night, are we medicare about the craft? Yeah, so Kai triggered me Triggered it so I was hosting the first late show of the festival four days before you even showed up.

Really good stuff going on. When I went behind you, you weren't there. I was there in the spirit. I walked backstage, I was like, oh, Mark is super nervous before gigs, I'm just going to go and welfare check him and see if he's alright before I bring him on. And then I just went in and was like, God, you're fuckingunt because he was nervous as well. No he wasn't. You weren't. You weren't nervous with the gigs that he had are you? Not the late show. The gala is still good. The gala is insane. Because it's a big gig. And also it's who you're on with. Loads of comics in the back but when you sit in the back you see how much they're laughing at other comics.

I don't know if you're catastrophizing just imagine that they're laughing at everyone else and then they won't laugh at you yeah like is that is that where worry comes from yeah so I just went back here to start pep talk and he didn't look shook up by the gig or anything he was playing he'd been doing a bit of pacing beforehand but that's just remembering your stuff that's not nice and then he was like you're a fucking asshole and I went can you not hear them like they're really rooting for you they want you to do the Like, they're really rooting for you. They want you to do the world. They're chanting your name and they just start going,

Mark, Mark, Mark. I go like, oh no, no, no. I pray, I pray. I felt like, do you know when they get like, someone with Down syndrome, they take a pen up there at half time, and you can tell the cunt's gonna sky it or hit the corner flag.

And they're going, go on, go on. And he's like, ah! That's what I felt like. You're not having any more sex. I played every team at the time. I went to LaserQuest for my birthday when I was about, what was it, 28, 29? I went to LaserQuest for my birthday when I was younger, and it was so exciting.

I was like, oh, it's going to be really great. I can't wait, mate. I love that, but you can't, it's a bit expensive. Our team was getting ready, it's me and all my friends, it's my birthday. The other team were getting ready, and this is, I swear to God, it was a team of, and it was a day out,

and it was just a team of children with Down syndrome. And they just linked them up to buy braiding jackets with guns, sent them into a dark room with dry eyes, and then went off you go. And I was like, and you were there about to play against them, like gaffer tape and a B and F here, right? Well, you know, I tell you what,

they couldn't defend the base and the shit. There's one point when I heard my friend Martin, I heard going, oh, oh, and I ran around the corner, and one of the other team were just hitting him with the gun, and I had to shoot them to confuse them and then drag him away. It was like, put him in. It must have been so confusing for your mates not knowing what team you were on. LAUGHING

I think he's under cover. I think he's undercover. So I've been theming through the bare him shit and so before gig like I actually had a baby on stage with us at the rave. Oh yeah yeah you slapped that one in. Hey come on now. I thought that was a rumour. That's the rumour that one. Come on. What happened on the mountain man. Just a quick letter to you. There's an incredible picture that Tom Houghton put up once. Where he's sitting with his brand new nephew. Oh yeah. So it's obviously his first time as an uncle. What was the quote again? And he just says, just this beside the baby, absolutely smashing this. What? This babysitting lark, this uncle behaviour, it was really smashing the job.

Yeah. But it looked like he was going to destroy the baby. What a sentence. So I'm on stage in a rave with a baby, right, And it's doing jokes over the rave music on the app Risk Eats, it's on the mountain and it's like, people are just fucking wondering about that and then I didn't even mention I had a baby, I just did my first joke without mentioning the baby and then I just went, I don't know who this is, by the way. I just found him.

I just went and he shat his cell, you were there weren't you? You're telling the podcast listeners. And I went, you shat your cell before you come on. What are you? Mark Nelson. There's also a bit when you went, you did a bit of a wank and then you went, and that's what you were meant to be. That's right. And then at the end of the show pretending to be throwing him over the edge of the net. But now last night.

No you did. That was the funny bit. You let go of him didn't you? That was funny when I was, cause I was just holding him at the rave. That's how I ended Pretending to be thrown over the edge That was funny when I was just holding him at the rave that's how I ended up on stage with a baby because I was Just comfortably hold me and I got called on but there was one bit during the rave where you went throw your hands up in the air I'm so used to not having a baby Snowboard I was having a baby, I really am. Muscle memory. Muscle memory. The baby's just in his snowboarding boots. Then last night there's the one you missed, I was thinking about being attacked by a magpie. And I went on, fight and flight, kicked in like the adrenaline that fucking courses through your body for fight or flight. I kicked in, I was like Mark Nelson before a gig.

And then you weren't even there. Did the audience peck up on it? For fuck's sake, man. I was like Mark Nelson before gig. And then you weren't even there. You weren't there. Did the audience pick up on it? For fuck's sake man. Yeah it's like a thing now. I seeded them early in this festival. Aye. I like running.

The running joke of this as well with Dan Tielen's boss date. That's a great one. It's grown. It's not nasty. It grew legs. Someone took it away. I thought it was about to get tedious, and then it went to a level where I was like, that's new, that's a brand new angle.

You know what turned it? It was Jace Fausticu blinging on a birthday cake. Yeah. So I missed that. So from the top, I'll just describe this to the listeners. On the bus, we're playing dares, we're just trying to get the frolics going, right, like fucking drinking whiskey with the bus, we're playing dares, we're just trying to get the frolics going right, like fucking drinking whiskey with the bottle. And the back of the bus separates from the front of the bus as it always does on the way in altitude. And then we started the dares soft, because that's how you get people on board with the dares. You just do

something that somebody's letting you go along with. And one of the soft dares was you've just got to start a song that reaches the front of the bus. Right, and they're like, oh sweet Caroline, what can I sing? and then they chuck it on the mic, and then they would just like, why don't you sing Happy Birthday? And Kirsty just sang it to Dan. And that was the origin story. That's literally just the seed.

That's the only reason, the seed. And then every, like, people have been wishing him Happy Birthday, people have been singing at the gigs, Jess Foster-Cube brought on their birthday cake, and it's just been this running thing, that like, it's his birthday. And did you see what happened yesterday? Yeah, one of the punters went and changed his wiki page. That's his Wikipedia page. It's got a date range

Born 24th to the 24th Like he was born Who sets up Wikipedia? Because someone set one up for me. Well it's just the same one. Anyone can do it. But who would have done that? We can tell it was you. We know you set up your own Wikipedia page. It's in your hand.

Is it still up? Is your still up Phil? Still up? Do you get the key when you've dropped out of relevance. Do you know, the only time I show up on Wikipedia is on Danny's page. Oh that's funny. It's not so sad. Oh yeah, oh no sorry that's Phil Neckl.

It was funny when. Phil Ellis is an English stand-up comedian from Preston. Hello, I'm proud of that by the way. He was nominated, you were nominated? It was funny weren't it? Phil Ellis is an English stand-up comedian from Preston I'm proud of that by the way You were nominated Yeah yeah I've not mentioned it 2023 and won the panel prize in 2014 The year afterwards it was won by a shed

Career? Ellis' TV appearance You were in the Tess O'Clock show Yeah yeah And the Russell Howard hour Yeah yeah yeah red naps big now is that Jamie Redknapper Harry or Louise I don't know I didn't meet the guys but I didn't you were on the big night I did a sketch with Danny Dyer I told you this I Did a sketch with Danny diet. I told you this he has

He's the cook he's one of them people you meet and as soon as you what I went to Danny down Yeah, and as soon as you walked out I went. Oh my god. I get it. Like he's just got this charisma. I've had his class He's amazing. Rebratch from him in Dublin. He said it was such a laugh. He's amazing. He came over to me and went You know, I've heard, I feel alright about the sketch and the sketch was it was locked down and I'm a football hooligan But I've been doing it a lot. Classic Danny Dyer already. So he's already zooming in like, where are you with the hardest bus? So it's already zooming in, he's like, we're here with the hardest bastards, it's all that. I'm supposed to be from the East End of London. I went, I said, well, the thing is, Dan, I can't do accents. He went, oh, you'll be great, you'll be great. And I went, well, now, so my cockney's just a bad impression of you, to be honest.

And he went, no, you're an actor. I went, no, I'm not, I'm like, you're going to realise that in a minute. It's not a comedian. He went, oh, it'll be great, it'll be great. We did it. And he went, I'm here with Britain's hardest bastard faggy football. And he goes, I'm here with the spider. And he cuts to me and I went, yeah I figure it's that mate.

And as soon as I started doing that I could see his face like, oh no. And his face dropped. And then he just did and it was so funny because he's not direct, he just went, I think Phil will be better with his own accent. Is he more confident? And I went, yes please. He went, alright ready. I'm in Manchester. Directly just went I think Phil will be better with his own accent And there was even a bit where we're just in a room and they went and I did a bit and it was it because I'm Not great actor because it and I yeah But he went I think Phil nearly had that.

Do you'd like another one? Would you like another one of them, Phil? Because I think you'd be more confident. And I went, yeah, what about you, thank you. And he went, yeah, ready, go. And I was like, this guy's like the nicest. Yeah. And where can everyone find this sketch?

Oh, it's in the bin. Oh, it didn't get caught. No, it was out. I don't know if it's online or anything. No, it did go out, it did go out. or anything Did go out it exists address me like rolling fucking rat That was in red maps red maps big night. Yeah Oh, I want to sell out rolling rat it someone sent me a picture with one of the same clothes That's a pretty resourceful listeners if somebody could take that out and they in find that froze that reclasses drop in the comments

I think it's here well can't just say this other bit that was really funny because he does his bits and he left, and then it's just me doing all the, because there's no point in him hanging around whilst I'm doing the other side. And I went, this is the point where the Deliveroo driver comes in, I went, who's playing that? They went, we haven't got anyone,

so they just ordered a Deliveroo. So I did the last sketch with just a driver. You were with the Deliveroo driver. He just ordered a pizza. Can you say this, will you? Yeah, he still follows me on Instagram. I see, that's class. I don't think my mate follows us on, I don't think my mate listens to podcasts in general, right? The lad I'm organising the stag do for, but I'm taking him to the Beat Herder

Festival. I'm pretty certain he doesn't listen to podcasts, I don't think he has the internet. He's one of them Geordie mates that just hasn't really tuned into the world yet. He's just too busy with his young children. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. So I'm taking him to a festival, a rave in the woods, and I think it would be a funny outfit to put him in. It's like a Just D, our Deliveroo outfit,

and just have him with a pizza box, because just imagine wandering around a rave in the woods. Oh. Looking for somebody to come. And people going, that's a fucking great idea. Yeah, should we count on it? And then trying to get their own one. Yeah.

Just D going, what? Fucking, there's a guy great idea. Yeah, should we count one? And then trying to get their own one. Yeah. Just, just keep going, what? Fucking, there's a guy here with one. Don't tell me you don't do them. I ain't an ID. Can I just say, the view there is incredible. Why is the camera facing this way, so we can just see a fucking view? See, I was kind of, oh, you know what,

if I turned the lights off in the, in the, shall we, then it would probably have a nice reflection of it on. It would be silhouettes if we had a point near that. Right, oh that's a good thing. Yeah, because we actually did this in Goa, where we got the beach and the sea. You don't know your own man. You're trying to be a man now. You've never met him, have you? The number one co-op.

He was in the way. I thought he said you moved back in. Were you not talking about your mum being a prostitute yesterday? Someone was. I don't know. I could have been anyone. I thought that was 10.5. I don't know if it could have been anyone. She was watching somebody on stage with you. Feel free to use their name but I'll not throw them under the bus if you're not willing to.

But she leaned in and went, I can't believe he uses prostitutes or something. Oh that was it! It was a family fun day. So it was a family fun day and in the 80s a very well known double act, I'm going to go into details, came on and it was like the luxury of the impulse thing. He was like, stop saying half of your song on the road. But he comes out and he goes, alright everyone welcome, all the families are there and he goes, he points out later, the front row goes, shut your legs love, I can see everything you've got.

And my mum just turned to me and she went, you're such a prostitute. 28 years old I was. It's so funny that your mother has that scoop, she's like, Perez will get it. It was such a weird, she was so disgusted, she went, oh Jesus, you're such a prostitute. Don't pay him any mind. He's a curb crawler. Was it Eddie Lodge? Sex work. No, it wasn't Eddie.

No, it actually wasn't Eddie Large. Who's Eddie Large again? Eddie Large is the one. He was the large one. So, actually, was that the names? Sid Little. I remember for years I used to show off at Sue going, My mum and dad once saw Sid Little in a pub.

I'd died down on that for a while. Did you? Because somebody else saw them. Weird, weird, Sid Lyttle. Was it Hale and Pierce? No, but they're... Have you seen their sketches popping up on TikTok? Hale and Pierce are so funny.

They were my favourite in K. I mean, the one where... I think it was Hale and Pierce anyway, I'll show it to you, he was pulling the nostril hair. And then it was Helen Pierce anyway show was he was pulling the nostril hair Yeah, and then it just cuts to the sink and he's pulling the nostril hair but his brain and spinal Amazing sketch they did where it was one of them they did two characters like Johnny and something else, but they were kids entertainers It was one where let's go and visit Johnny in the hospital. He's had a big operation. It's like can anyone guess what every operation that Johnny had?

And they take out a banana and go one skin, two skin, three skin. That's glad. And were they the original ones? I'm sure Joe Pasquale nicked a version of it, but like that, I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves. They did, they done the, I don't know. I'm sure they did the original, oh, you're never gonna get this song out of your head. Out of your head.

But then obviously that got spun into the next one. So that was the original one of them, I think. That was the first one I saw of that. The cameo in extras is brilliant. So they're trying to get in the Ivy club.. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah, Ricky Dries is going in the green. Hey, tricky. He goes in he goes Can they go? Do you remember we are the management? Yeah Young girls, I think you're like why he was the stonk

The Stonk? The Stonk was one of the... The Red Nose Day. It was the Comet Relief single they released as those characters went The Stonk? I feel he said that got to number one. It did. So Hale and Pace don't use prostitutes? No.

Sorry guys, if you do, I do apologise. And also, I'll give you the data and terminology. Hale and Pace...oh yeah, I've passed go-pullers on that. In a book? In a book? We're not gonna, we're not gonna open it again, Phil. We've heard enough. This is why I just don't talk to people.

This is why I just, I fall asleep somewhere. The first night of this festival, Jules went, Jules O'Brien is on, he's brilliant. He's just so good. Then she went, she went, oh, you're really nice last night, Vick. And she went, um, she said, Oh, you're really nice last night. You just talked to you philosophize about what is happiness. And then the bench flipped. I fell over and then just fell asleep. I think about what is happiness. You did get, you did get phoned asleep on a bench, right? Yeah. Yeah. You got on the floor near a bed.

You got very babysat for a while. You get first night She's not to fight one of the national treasures of this race You're like I pissed off and then they have me out That's one of the like one of the main guys from the festival he organizes it with like he's been here from No, but he said he said it wasn't him. You took a shit on Britain Marys kid Avoid avoid avoid joke and just enjoy the moment. So I ended up making like a spreadsheet roster who looks after Phil from like the hour of five. Kammerhandleys liquor. Yeah, it was bad the first night.

I did mash-up in Amsterdam. I pre-empted this festival. liquor yeah it was bad the first night I did my shift in Amsterdam I pre emptied this festival I woke up hungry to leave and want to go home I fell over going upstairs I was luckily not I'm going up this isn't what's meant to happen I've actually

I think I've actually... I think I've got a problem now because I went like from Amsterdam to like Gareth's wedding, the cup final, to Altitude and now I'm going to spend a week in vineyards because we're going to have a wedding in Australia so I'm going to go to the Hunter Valley and drink loads of wine. I think I'm going to be at that point of drinking where you can't just stop drinking yeah you have to wean yourself off drink I genuinely think I'm in London tomorrow I'm staying there for a few days I genuinely think tomorrow I will have to drink because I don't think I can my body would London I you know

when people talk stories what's it like Bottom Man? Is that a new thing? You could be... You could be fucking warned about the whole story. Both of them see him swagger. Like you're under the valley of a vineyard and you're like, I'm going to my flat share. Have you heard of Glossop? I raised you a lot. I just got story-bombed. You've been in Aina Reef. Billy Hoffershit. Billy One a shit. Billy one piss. Oh, we've had a lovely time, haven't we?

He's putting on comedy. Does anyone else just piss smell of hand? I've eaten so much piss. The butchers is classier, isn't it? It's insane how much bread and meat that just exists in this place. Yeah. That thing you had the other one looked amazing. You'd like something a platter. Oh. Eggs and salmon and all sorts of shit on it. Gold kings or something.

I keep getting it wrong. I keep getting it wrong. Gold something. Is that with the potatoes and the bacon and the egg and all that? That's breakfast. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all right.

You went into the buffet. We've been having that sort of breakfast here. And that has been nice at breakfast because Carl's Bay. Breakfast has been great. Carl's Bay and it's there having that sort of breakfast here. And that has been nice at breakfast because Carl Spain is there for the full of breakfast. People just take turns and just go and sit near his table and hear his stories. He's just got so many industry stories and every comedian he'll have a tale about. Not involving him but he's got loads of stories. I love getting here. I love getting to sit next to him at breakfast and just hearing-

Aye, just announcing yourself. Well-crafted stories from- He's fucking great, man. He's been funny. He's been going up to Rufus Sound in Sally. Outside of Sally Horstkist. Do you know what it is? I know this is so funny.

How much for the boy? It's a wish to buy the boy. He's losing value. As if he's trying to buy Sally off Rupert. You know, he's got his cropped hair and he's like, how much for the boy? Oh, man. Yeah, and like...

He's a funny guy. You won't be seeing him at Line Up any time soon. There's the jokes on that one. I mean, otherwise... Oh, you will? I was walking down the street over last night, he was like, oh there's this vending machine that does like pizzas and tinfoil that you get. I was like, hot pizzas? He was like, that's cold pizza.

I was like, man, there's still places open this day and night, there's like a kebab shop, there's this like breakfast van and stuff. I was like, man, hang on, we'll find it. And then I found the kebab shop and I was like, oh Ruth, first thing you need to get that shade, the kebab shop's there. And he just went You need to get that shape the kebab shops there and he's right. All right I'm just gonna have to own up even if those are Michelin star fucking restaurant. Yeah I've decided I want one of these fucking shrink wrap pizzas. Where's the kebab shop? It just rolls up into the street. I think it's like a van. Oh

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I didn't realize that first night. So when I realized I'd been told by Justin Which I don't remember. Yeah, we helped you at me Michael. I don't even remember that one There's still missing an hour. But so I've been Picked up by Brett walked out the venue I think between that time about an hour miss and then Justin just found me pointing it like a field You're like, hey, it's this way and then he just found me pointing it like a field He'd only shift yeah Pocket was down when I got you kebab was on

You put it in your pocket In the pocket you never What is a pocket if you go for a full kebab I've got five pockets and one of them are... Five? One of them's kebab shaped. Why have you got an odd number of pockets? Is one of them your shade pocket? No, it's like one of them fucking pockets. It's one of them just your fly.

The fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket.

I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. I've got my keys again. You've got them in your middle pocket. I've got kebab in me fifth pocket. Change rolling down my legs.

There's people watching this, I don't know if you can see this little screen up here, but you keep like sneaking off the shot. You've been like snarly disappearing from the shot. No, but I think they like that as well. Can't you go relaxing into stuff like this? You can't nothing I mean as a pretty I'm just worried that I get you relax jazz makes shit We did a little promo video for altitude going up in the gondola where we like Just take it to ten minute lift, as we were jumping into the valley.

And we're just like, we're chatting, like we're basically talking a little bit about the festival and then in a chairlift confession, we asked Phil to confess something. Oh yeah, yeah. Like we were there, oh my God, it's the church bit. So it started a tradition where the new act at the festival had to confess something in the chairlift.

And as the lift was going up, we were like, we'd have pre-agreed at the beginning to just get closer to each other. No, just start, don't to each other just start just like right when you mentioned the cloud it was so funny yeah and for that the lads just next door to here so he's probably dropping this but we just did anyway we just did anyway we've like me and Phil had already like just decided what we're gonna do the basic of the structure I've just told you that I would we've done podcasts before like just decided what we're gonna do. The basic structure I've just told you there, we've done podcasts before, kind of now we're doing it to a

degree. We're just waving off the balcony as we do a podcast. This is how we sit. We're just sitting around like this, we're recording a podcast, there's a camera down there. This isn't just how we sit. We're not just being swell friends we always film our chats we just sit here and show racist stuff at people Amy get on! It's the brilliant Amy Mapp turn the camera around someone follow on quickly so we'd already decided what we're going to do

decided the length of time and how to structure that length of time. In my mind, the photographer hadn't heard we do all that so he wasn't even aware. You see the videographer guy? Yeah, he's quite intense. And this guy. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. I'm actually going to move the camera here.

Somebody's just... I don't know who it is. Hold on, hold on, hold on, I'm actually gonna move the camera here. I'm gonna move here, I'm gonna move here. Um, somebody's just... I don't know who it is. How do I even get you in this? Lauren...oh I'm gonna drop the camera. The bag of... Percy Pigs!

Who is it? Who's Lauren the Percy Pigs? I can order them and deliver who actually? Who is the Percy Pigs? Who's that? One of the big most successful acts like you sound like. You go out these cool rooms. Oh, crazy.

I'm just outside. We now have Percy Pigs from like a mysterious vendor. Probably one of the many people we've already talked about on this podcast really enjoyed the What is this? Oh, this is a bad idea. Phil, carry the podcast for me, Mark Chua and Percy Piggs. So, the Sower Theatre, 10th to 12th of April. Finish the Cloud story. Oh yeah, so we went through a cloud. I mean, you all know it, don't you? We got direction, so I was thinking, he's quite a tense guy,

I was thinking, when you're going up You're about to hit the cloud cover. We should say 10 minutes. They'll make a joke with the cloud I Get it as well because if you're following those around trying to content we are just fucking useless So they have to go I kind of believe someone this needs to be useful And we probably are tedious if you're like if you're kind of crew we've like we're absolutely disappearing in the darkness. We'll just do the podcast and there's a black screen Yeah, yeah If you're just like if you're crew and you're trying to keep up with like people that are constantly looking for the next lane And you're so used to doing that and I love that like I love it when people are like looking for tag lines

It doesn't feel competitive to me. It doesn't feel like you're trying to be the funniest in the room It just feels like you're trying as a team to get the most out of a bit Yeah, so I love it when that goes on but if you're just a bystander and you're not interested in joining that yeah Yeah, you just hear about a job to do After now all of a sudden you kind of get a word in edgeways for Crave attention for billets, for people that just crave attention. Well, breakfast has been good. I think the first day there was an element of,

I was telling a story and I think someone tried to, I'm not up for that energy, like, let's just keep it fun. Someone started yawning when you were talking. Yeah, that kind of thing. Yeah, sometimes I'm saying this because well, you know, I didn't think that's a bit. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes you really tire people out.

Yeah. You know didn't think that's a bit Bunch of stag dudes with Matty like approaching double figures right And the only one who's went home early on was the one you were at. I thought I went with you. But the second day, that rhythm, you all get into a rhythm where you go, oh, this is really fun because I've got the storage linked and they can go, oh, I know you've got one as well. But it's not like, no one's trying to up, you just start going, oh, that's so funny, but hey, you'll enjoy this. we just make me to go off. I've loved the breath the mornings it Evening you're gonna. I'm gonna. Oh, yeah, by the way. He's gay

I knew it Dad don't know to work Wi-Fi I remember Phil trying to get me to grab his coke and I couldn't get by the kebab. And the chains flying around and there were garlic hair on the sides of my face. It was a ski pass. Was your hip flask? So Phil had a little moment where he realised we'd known each other for 15 years, right? Maybe even more. And we haven't hung out, we've just been aware of each other but never hung out until Gareth Stagg

and then since then, hung out in Glasgow when you were up and now we're here. And he just had a moment where he realised I'd passed him by yeah Really nice Facebook states about this And I went to someone and actually genuinely said to someone I went Maybe screenshot have you got it? Oh no you didn't post it! I may have been screen shot in the sand. Have you got it? I haven't seen it, can we read it? I typed one out but then I went this is just too much.

Have you got it? No. Is it in your drafts? Oh my god. Can we find it? If you can find it I'll read it out. Yeah because I was like I can't believe you wrote me a bitch right there. Am I even dead?

What are you doing? That's a lot. I want to know what you wrote. I wrote a little bit of a book. I'm not sure if you wrote a book. I'm not sure if you wrote a book. I'm not sure if you wrote a book. I'm not sure if you wrote a book.

I'm not sure if you wrote a book. I'm not sure if you wrote a book. I'm not sure if you wrote a book. I'm not sure if you wrote a book. I'm not sure if you wrote a book. I'm not sure if you wrote a book. I'm not sure believe you wrote me a bitch right now. I'm dead. What do you do? I Want to say I want to see the comments on it if you put it up I don't know what I don't have a sink. I want I want you to put it up Just an experiment to see if people agree with you You know what's bad, you know how you know just Phil is as a man? Imagine doing something that is too... Once that becomes...

I'm talking to Mark! It's never been like that! I'm talking to Mark! That's never been a thing! He's so awkward, right? But something showed up on his radars too awkward. Yeah, yeah, yeah! That's so...

It's gone, I'm not sure if it's dying. Oh no! It might be my notes. I had the tune... I've probably drafted it a few times. I had the tune for it in every one of my backgrounds so... Oh no! It might be my notes. I've probably drafted it for you time. I had a tune for it in every background so I've got a point, un-tuned me. I'll read it out.

Well I can tell you, I'll tell you what I've got to say. What was the gist? So I've now got it. No I'm not doing it! Kai Humphries is one of those people that when you walk into a room, he makes you want to move into the room and stay with him forever. He's got a kind heart and a kind soul and I think it was your wife actually said that you once said to her, do you want to be a or a radiator. All I can say is this man radiates love, heat, thoughts a lot and positive energy and if you ever get the chemistry around him it will make you a better person. So thank you Kai for being you. Just thank you for being you. P.S. Like and subscribe.

Seoul Theatre, if you're going to like that, you're going to love my show at the Seoul Theatre. It's in the 10th and 12th. 10th and 12th of what? I don't know, April. Right Phil, do me no. I mean like, yeah, if you want to watch a boat be sick before he digs his shit himself, get yourself down to Nelson's fucking chair. He's probably on a mixed bill somewhere.

If you want to hang around with someone, if someone tries to kick you off after the game and look at you... Check manfords.com. I just breathed my beer. I just breathed my beer. That's in my lung now. That looks good. Quick line of beer before the show. So we do the clown hole tonight. That's where each person does five minutes of something.

It is at eight o'clock, so we're in about an hour. More beers? I'm still on that one, but thank you. What are you going to do for your five minutes? I probably won't go on. What? You've fucking barely... No, you have to.

I might as well put my jacket on the mic. You've barely done anything in this entire festival. You've got a gown on the climb. I genuinely think everyone's like, who's that bloke sitting in a jacket? You've done the better hanging yourself, haven't you? I've done the hanging. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was great last night. The gig was starting to tick the bad way. And I managed to just get round the wrong one. It peaked it there. Diederik, he smashed that gig. No, he's a class. I was on after Diederik and I couldn't get what he got. You could match the energy.

But I rang what was left of it. Hi. And I fell. And I just went, I don't know what I left of it. Hi. And then I filled. And I just went, I don't know what I'm gonna fucking answer. Then I'll kebab cock. Come on. Kebab cock. That sounds so wrong.

What are you gonna do, Kai? I think I'm gonna do 50 Shades of Blythe. Oh yeah, yeah. I was gonna do 50 Shades of Live. Oh yeah, yeah. I was going to do 50 Shades of Live. It's like an old thing I did 10 years ago. Parody, fucking thing. Just hack. Alright. Oh brilliant, I'll do that. I've got many chapters you could do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cool, I'll do the same one you do. The exact same chapter? Can you do a Geordie accent as well as you can do a Cockney one? Oh, please try. What do you mean? I'd like to do a Geordie... Hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya, hi I'm gonna unlock my phone there. I went to a gift shop. I went to the gift shop. We've seen your beaver magnet.

Beaver magnet? Yeah, yeah, but I went to the gift shop. Oh my God! Jesus! Oh wow. Asian face pent up there. What gift shop? I'm gonna get one.

And it says underneath, Austria. I'm gonna get Colin one of their widows that I just I just realized this we're talking there Phil. Did you get that magnet of a beaver because you think you're a beaver magnet? That's a bit of me that dog magnet beaver magnet, that's a bit of me. That's a dog magnet. A beaver magnet. That's a bit of me. That's what you do. See. And then you take girls come back and you're just going to put your effort in it. You don't touch anything in there to mean.

Always chomping on wood. Sucking cock. I'm a sucking cock. Click that. Click that. Get fit. I'm a sucking cock. Click that. Click that, get fit. Hashtag altitude 25.

Who drinked up the Percy pink? Why is Phil called the Beaver Magnet? After he shags the woman she goes, damn! Because after he's been there nothing's wet. He dries up the pool. Why is he called the Beaver? Because nothing dries up the valley more than... Man, last night in Apropos, which is the late night bar in my Hoffin, that's got darts and foosball in the pool. So I'm playing strip foosball with

Natalie and Soraya. They're obviously two dignified women that are only going to go so far with that guy. Even though people have went all the way playing strip foosball in the past, we had a little bit of fun with it. But then Phil gets an idea to play strip pool. We want to play strip pool when there's still a gang going on. I was like, right so just put the black ball in the hole. And I went, right, we're next. So he's like making this whole thing of strip pool. You see, you're next on strip pool.

You've got me sucking a cock in the table. Head has a couple of steps in. This was Phil, right? I want to play strip pool, but there's a couple on the table that aren't part of our group. So we need to get them off the table first. The only way we can get them off the table is by winning the table and put 20 pence on it and you got beat by them.

Oh God! I ended up naked. You just made an entire story out of it. No, I enhanced the story. Right? But the way the story went is the idea, the idea of the strip pool just kinda got floated, fizzled out and then the night moved on.

Right and then I look and Phil is playing snooker pool with like seven dudes. All with different states of interest. I've got a top hat on. I was with all the girls at the bar and I was like, Phil, what happened? Why did you chase all the girls at the bar and I was like, Phil, what happened? Why did you chase all the girls off? JT's a beautiful boy though. Oh, he got hurt in the day.

Yeah he did, he twisted his ankle. The chair lifts are fun. And Alison did as well. The chair lifts don't take any mercy on your leg. You know if you get bored on your skis, call that something for it. It's obviously just carrying people. So he must have clipped his board on the, I don't know, I haven't spoken to him yet,

I only spoke to Amy about it, but his board went 360 and spun him. And yeah, boots keeping a tight grip on your ankle. So for that, they like twist your ankle. So it spun him and he's jawed his ankle. Cause I saw him coming down there, you know, when you're going up on the seats on the gondola, I saw him coming down on it and he's good enough border for us to know that that's bad. Because like going down

on a gondola seat is the equivalent of getting to the top of the water slide and deciding not to do it. You come up the stairs, when you pass people, mortifying. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely mortifying. Sorry. Look at him, Phil. I was going to say, the funny, what I was telling you earlier, when you got this, the funniest turn of phrase

I've heard at all, at a festival this year, when you went, there's a comedian we know, he has a very large penis, but he's got really small dick energy. Oh yeah. And then we went, has a very large penis. He's got really small dick energy. Oh yeah. And then we went, what a waste, and you went... Oh, I think a fish having money.

Tell us about more stuff. Tell us more stuff, guys, great hat. There's too many things. I can't understand him without doing day, can you toast this toast? Do you want to toast this toast for us mate? What the fuck was that toast doing? Having breakfast in the same place in Amsterdam every morning. The toast come out as just stale bread. It was anemic.

It had the crust texture of bread but it just didn't have the inviting toast bread. Oh Christ. Wait hang on, yeah me can't toast me toast bread. The amount of time we spent in that fucking Irish world. We were just in the Irish world. That was the whole holiday wasn't it Raine? No but I think it's important to have that on a, when you're rolling that deep, that's your round the pool.

On a beach holiday. It's your safe space. That's your hotel. Because we were all in hotel rooms without a gaffer. Yeah, that's true actually. So you have to just go out of that and find the spot where, and now if I'm lost in a head there, it's base. There's a good chance somebody's here as well.

Base, aye. I found a good spot and I'm all in to come with me. McDonald's. McDonald's, yeah baby. I've genuinely missed McDonald's. Yeah, I can tell you had a fucking kebab doing the other day. Yeah.

God, I love those, I ate that sort of thing too. It was so funny though, do you know about that? 15 onion rings. I had been breathing about that. Do you know about that? I had been breathing about that. Have you been breathing about that? I heard about when I was going up to do the Glasgow stand,

I was on it, I was doing the Glasgow stand, so I pulled into that service station, I know we've told this on a couple of things now, the service station, that on the way up to the station. You'll know it, Annandale. Oh yeah, yeah. That weird one with all the keys. Annandale, yeah. Yeah, yeah, full of keys.

The one with the McDonald's, yeah. Yeah, it's got to be there. So I'm there, getting it redone, I heard someone came over going like, oh, excuse me, I went, oh, here we go. And it was you, and I went, oh god, and it took us about two minutes to click, and I went, oh, for fuck's And I went, oh, here we go. And it was you. And I went, oh, go on. And it took us about two minutes to click. And I went, oh, for fuck's sake. The big M's behind me. I'm going, oh, fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It was so perfect. He was just shoveling sugars into his pocket. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Sometimes you're not a sugar. Sometimes you're not a sugar. Because I thought, I jokingly said that about you in Amsterdam, that you steal sugar from a person in a hotel and you don't know that he actually does. Why are you taking so many soddles? Build a house.

I'm going to beat this wolf. Daydream did something for me. I went to him and I think he's like, I know you won't believe this, but I really don't drink a lot anymore. I only drink when I'm at work and he goes, Oh yeah, so you work from home a lot? And he was like, I only drink from work. But he just had four days off and we'd watch them get hammered on all the way. I'm kind of in the work environment. Yeah, suppose you can spit it out if you want.

And every time he's always... I keep walking in on conversations where he's talking about his drinking. And he's saying... Like, I don't know, your own wife, you were staying with Amy? Yeah. Just before the rave, you were saying, Amy, can I only drink at work or whatever? Like, I don't normally drink in the soft of the night. I'm like, are you trying to make here live in your pantomime as well

Wait I think just for the simple fact that this isn't just a black screen now There's like the video the video element of this podcast has gone with the sun. Nice natural clouds. And we do have a clown hole to go to. We'll finish this one a little bit sharp. Thank you for popping in lads. You've got a Saw Wolf theatre show coming up, 10th and 11th of April. And then Nelson. What have I got? Have you done your Glasgow Comedy Festival show yet?

Yeah, I've done my Glasgow Comedy Festival show You've got Gowen What have I got? Prostate cancer Well that's fine now Get yourself to a somehow theatre I like the way you rubbed it with alcohol That's why it's called beach snaps

He snaps his finger I had to go for a camera up the aisles The guy went, it's only been one year ago, why have you come back? I went, because I loved it so much last time. I went, you've been asked to come in you f***er. Snap your card. Snap your card.

I've brought a different lens. You've got to use a free one up in a year, hasn't it? Is that the last time you're on camera, Phil? Where the camera's on him? This one's mine. Right, so, I don't know how to sum this up. Don't put kebabs in your pocket. If you're going to make Facebook status drunk about your mate, at least fucking put- At least save it.

At least save it in your notes so that you get it reminiscing about it. And, er, snowboard drunk. Yeah, be alright. Take care. Bye. Bye.