Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Beef!

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

Muggins and Cream fly over to the west coast from New York to Seattle before their gig in Tacoma and bring up hypothetical comedy beefs and how they'd respond. Encouraging comedy to go the way of rap music they pick their three high profile beefs they'd start to further their career. #30

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Where exactly are we? Tacoma

Because I know we flew into Seattle and we drove for a bit Yeah From Tacoma and Washington State Is it in Washington State? I mean Seattle is isn't it? Is it? I think so Right

If I remember right Seattle was the place that I saw a massive queue And asked somebody In the queue What they were queuing for And they didn't know That was the AASA I was also aware And it was the

Original Starbucks It turned out to be But that just baffled us That somebody joined the queue And didn't have any Fucking idea What they were queuing for So they just were like

Oh this must be important I mean very British Huh To just To honour a queue Just like that Straight away Yeah Very very good They were Asian Oh wait What kind of Asian This must be important. I mean, very British to just, to honour a cue just like that straight away. Yeah.

Very, very good. They were Asian. Oh, wait, what kind of Asian? Like, East, Far Eastern. Right, okay,

because Indian and Asian do not, they don't do the cues. That's not fair. I think they would have just gone up to the front and grabbed a little stamp. 100%.

Absolutely. Going up there and ordering their chai. Seattle's also where crazy not me is said yeah yeah so as far as I'm concerned this place has earthquakes regular mass shootings massive outbreaks everything's constantly on fire I think every building in the city's fallen down there's no bridges left More mass shootings

Up close and personal murders Real rough place Aye Good doctors though Then you walk around And it seems really sound Well I mean I can't I went for a little wonder

That day And I ended up in an art shop I love that our To our manager Gordon Is like really into art Yeah It's not something you'd expect Because he's like really into art. Yeah. It's not something you'd expect. Cause he's quite a working class northerner.

Yeah. He's from, from Manchester, lives in Bolton. Yep. And, uh, and it's just quite,

I find it like quite a contradiction, like a juxtaposition that he's into art. I really like it. I don't know if I could see myself getting into art. Like, I think that's just a, it's a certain level of money. I can't see you looking after it. Like, I think that's just a certain level of money. I can't see you looking after it.

No. I think, yeah, I think people, like, buy art because, like, they're, like, looking at it every day and it holds its value. Yeah. But I think you'd get bored of looking at it, put it in the loft and just let it get a bit fucking damaged. Yeah, but then my son's on fucking,

God damn, Antiques Roadshow in 50 years And he's like oh my god But this has got mould on it from being stored In that damp attic I think that's fine I think that adds to it Especially after the nuclear war I think just whatever's in the paint Must be edible at that point

So actually auctioning it off for food From listening to all the news Do you think your son's not going to get to see a good life as he gets older? No. Have you despaired yourself into thinking he's going to be walking around a barren wasteland? I think he's going to be walking around a barren wasteland. I just don't

guarantee he'll be here. No. What do you think is going to happen? Do you think it's going to happen after you die? Or do you think it's going to happen in your lifetime too? I would rather it happen within my lifetime. I'd rather die with him.

So that you could be like Aragorn on the road? No, no. A post-apocalyptic world, I am killing me and my family. I'm not. You're not doing everything to keep your son alive. Not at all. Not at all.

Same rule as zombie movies, right? The second there's a zombie, I break my own fucking neck. I'm done. Fuck that. Not interested. I can't be arsed learning how to hunt. I don't want to fucking

constantly stab people. I have to wash my hands. Just get used to killing people. Just get used to not liking anyone because they'll die or they'll betray. Nah, not interested. The second the Wi-Fi goes down, snap a roost, see you later. I think I'd accept

my new reality pretty quick. Nah, I couldn't. I think post-apocalyptic... I think I'd laugh, remember, and complain about hotel rooms. Hmm. Do you feel post-apocalyptic? Yeah, you remember when you used to complain about about airports I feel like post-apocalyptic in Scotland there's less chances of cannibals wanting to eat my son I feel like you can live off the fact of the land a bit better if you're outside the city what's

it be I think it's got I think it's be parts of Scotland we're like I'd get up there with Cailin right and we'd be like starving and whatever and we'd have walked for ages and Cara's she's there but she's just behind she's always behind She's somehow got signal We eventually get there and the people up in the fucking highlands just north of Inverness have no idea that there's been

a mass apocalypse and I'd be like okay I can hang out with you folk because it's not like we're all waiting for the collapse of civilisation to go all mental. i feel like if american civilization collapse is there's enough people who are just like i'm going to take advantage of this chaotic situation for myself because that's the foundation of america whereas i don't think i think in scotland we just be like oh you hear everyone in england's dead

should we just all merge into the event your dad was suggesting that a theme park would be the best place to go because it's designed to keep people

from breaking in I think my dad's just watched Zombieland is that what that is yeah that's the entire concept of the movie Zombieland

okay well like repurposing the rides to be killing machines pretty much well they don't really repurpose them we were walking

we were walking we were walking through Universal Studios and your dad was fantasising over the idea of repurposing the machines to kill zombies they don't really

repurpose them in the movie Zombieland they just use them as they are as sort of killing things and it's a good movie Woody Harrelson

whose daughter we met yes one of his daughters came to our show we met Zoe Harrelson Whose daughter We met Yes One of his daughters Came to our show We met Zoe Harrelson

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I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I If Rhys Jacob Mogg's kids turned out to be absolute legend, I would be shocked to my very core. Maybe they could be just out of rebellion. No, I don't think there's any rebellion in those areas. I think rebellion in those areas is like fucking firmly telling your mother

at the age of four that you no longer want breastfed, but her insisting that you do it to the ripe old age of seven. Do you think if you're Jacob Rhys reese muggs son other likes of his son like you don't see any negatives to nepotism absolutely no no i don't think anyone that's like raised if you're if you're like a fucking stable bread politician like a lot of the tories are which is just like we're gonna make people whose job it is to get them to school whether just teach them that they're better than other people all right and how to use the system and how to, you know,

all the points of influence and how to get in there and how to cover everything up. Yeah, man, I don't think they give a shit. Like, maybe one in,

like, a thousand. Here's what happens to politicians' kids. Some of them become comedians. If you met someone that you just, like,

really thought was sound that totally passed a vibe check and then you found out that they were the son thought was sound, they totally passed a vibe check, and then you found out that they were the son of like a Tory politician, like Michael Gove or something like that. Yeah. Like, would you instantly change your view on them? 100%.

Or would you be like, huh? Huh? No, I would. Broke the chain. No, I would have the opposite. No, no, no. I would much be more of the opinion that this can't score of the opinion my first impression was wrong I got fooled I know absolutely out hey is there you is there any father-son combo way like in in them

like popular culture that you're like one of them but not the other I hate both Smiths Paul and Laurie I do the sound discounts on the planet Will and Jaden I was fucking gutted

that Will turned heel I liked Will Smith I knew he was corny as far as Rap music was concerned Even though I bought his albums Back in the days of HMV CDs I bet if a white man from Newcastle Was buying your albums

Chances are I was into good rap at the time But I still was like You know what catchy like he's rapping pop songs which is better than

just other pop songs so like I was all about Will Smith I thought he was great in all his films I thought he's shit gold

I thought like his philosophy on life was good Wild Wild West was your favourite movie for 10 years by far by far

shit gold like I said yeah um he wow but i now everything like it's like the glass has been shattered now like i i look back and i just think he's a bit of a bellend now there's so much lore surrounding him and his wife and their relationship and on most of the stories is that she's a bitch and she's turned him into a bitch but i've not read too much into it like when you try and catch up on these things like it's a quick quick quick scan through a couple of tmz articles and then you can go into youtube and you'll find a bunch of youtubers who are willing to explain the beef to you and on the back stuff but then

then you fuck your algorithm as far as rap goes goes, though, if you're Will Smith, like, forgetting what he's done with acting and everything else he's achieved, right, as far as just rapping goes, if your wife used to can out with Tupac, the greatest rapper of all time, you're always going to feel a little bit inadequate in that marriage. Did she go out with Tupac?

Uh-huh. Oh. Yeah, that is the biggest thought. That would be like somebody who used to go out with you back uh-huh yeah that is that is the biggest like that would be like somebody who used to go

out with Muhammad Ali now goes out with Jake Paul aye when is that fight that Jake Paul

Tyson one I feel like it's a fight I think Ed wins the wrestling on yeah but I mean

it's the last one it's like it's pant it's panto season. I know, but it would be. But it would be good if fucking Mike Tyson just went Tiger. Yeah.

Went like Siegfried and Royce Tiger and just was just like, I'm fucking Mike Tyson. You remember? Oh yeah, our contracts. Like, wave that paper at us while I fucking murder you. Aye. Well, I mean,

and it wouldn't be the first time he's gone to jail. I feel like new Mike Tyson doesn't have, I say new, like he's revamped himself. And I don't know how much of it's fucking genuine. The good part, they would like to believe it. But, you know. I saw a very funny video of... Who's that little midget guy that you hate?

Oh, Hasbulla. Hasbulla. Mike Tyson not knowing that Hasbulla wasn't a kid. And just giving him the treatment that I would give Caelan. Yeah, yeah. Just picking up and being like, he's a little boy. I don't hate Haspelau as a person.

I just hate his celebrity. He'll never convince me that it's not just like bullying and capitalising on bullying. And you can say to people like, oh, look look he's making fucking money about it it's like okay cool right the people in the freak show made friends with each other and i'm sure considering their upbringing they probably had a slighter better life than that but i still think it's fucking gross i googled him today actually because uh

i wanted to pitch out of them running for a video. Yeah. Because I was going to do another treadmill video. And I Googled Hezbollah running. Oh, that's the terrorist organization. Well. Yeah, I wasn't. Depending on what we say, politics. I wasn't mad keen on the results I got. Now I'm flagged from a Google search.

Yeah. Unless you're running from Hezbollah. But then it's still an odd thing to Google. I can't imagine're getting flagged anyway just for being stupid. Because it's spelled differently because there was no sign of... 100%.

Hezbollah is H-E-Z-B-U-L-L-A-H and Hezbollah is H-E-Z-B-U-L-L-A-H. You've passed your spelling bee. I've always been a good speller. Yeah. Are you remotely asked about the beef between Kendrick Lamar and Jake? Jake. Drake.

Drake. Jesus fucking Christ. Two granddads on a podcast. Remember when we were young, hip and fucking cool. I actually went and listened. Because I'd seen everybody talking about how fire Kendrick Lamar was and how fucking amazing he was. I was expecting this to be like kill shot and i went and listened to it and like i was just like meh maybe i'm just not interested in rap anymore i thought like i

still got back and listened to old rap tracks like i haven't completely there was one good about what music i liked there was one good line in the kendrick one of the kendrick bets back to drake but you just and everyone everyone's going, oh my God, that's such a far line, which is, oh, you know, I must've struck a chord. It was a minor. I'm like, man, I've heard that joke in comedy for 12 years. Like fucking, it's really old. Like it's funny. It's a hack. It's low hanging fruit. It's low hanging fruit I am No I don't really get it Because here's the thing Anyone that's like

I've not listened to enough Of Drake to have Any sort of real opinion Right The first song I ever listened to Was started from the bottom Now we're here Which to me is objectively

One of the worst songs Ever written Like it's just It's like worse than The Bull Bird and Parody Repeat stuff It's just repeating The same thing over and over again

And I couldn't believe It was a real Drake song I thought somebody Was fucking with me I'm like This is the bull burden part of the repeat stuff it's just repeating the same thing over and over again and i couldn't believe it was a real drake song i thought somebody was fucking with me i'm like this is the person everyone says is the greatest rapper of all time is just saying the same seven words over and over again and that's uh so i didn't like him then um none of the memes i've seen about him or anything i've seen him doing pop culture, I'm like, oh, that's a cool guy. And again, as always, I've said it before, I've said it again, I don't care what it says, rap isn't cool, writing poetry's not cool. Doesn't matter how you do it,

doesn't matter what car you sing it from, doesn't matter who you fucking shoot. Lads, you're all writing poetry, and poetry sucks. It's slam poetry. It's sick beat. I can't, I take it as seriously as that. Do a little dance as well

Don't get me wrong When poets go You're just a clown 100% Absolutely I am just a clown Rather a clown than a poet Court jester

I've seen Kendrick Lamar Why? He's opening for M&M At Bellahouston Park in Glasgow I've probably heard some of his songs I just think In general rap just got worse I think there needs to be more public beef

In comedy I want it to be like more I really wish Like maybe this is what will happen Like now the fact that like everything In reels and stories and stuff Like people are putting up clips Of them just doing fucking crowd work so much now that like you know sometimes you get a clip that bangs and goes

fucking viral for a bit and then sometimes people release clips that just aren't as good as they go away maybe that's in it maybe that's how we get comedy to surpass rap just get get comedians to start beefing with each other start and the same way rappers do for no fucking reason aye threatening to kill them and that lad putting their children into it yeah on stage well fuck

I mean fucking Dame Baptiste has just done this I was thinking I was thinking of bringing that up he threatened to murder someone

didn't he oh man he threatened to turn up with a hoosah murder on the family yeah which look

and it was like such thinly veiled anti-semitism as well but if he'd done it in a set Kai if he'd done it in a set Kai if he'd done it in a set like here's the thing

right no one that's ever like released a diss track right it's been like I'm gonna fucking shoot you in the head because you're a piece of shit

I fucking hate you right imagine fucking Biggie gets that done to him with my two pack and he's like well I'm fucking telling the police

if you're two packs in your song that's me he's talking about go and fucking arrest him if you were to do the jokes're like that's me he's talking about go and fucking arrest him if you were to do the jokes of I'm gonna kill you and your family

in a joke then then you're just starting beef I actually remember because they led us battle rapping each other

on stage I used to do a bit about how like you can say anything you want to somebody if you make it rhyme because it just puts

like a little like lens of silliness on it that it can't be taken seriously which is that because imagine like it's obviously matt rife at the moment like i think sam morrow and mark norman started off the like we're gonna put our stuff on they didn't start off and they were the first ones to like really make it pop and bang then matt rife came in after like if they'd start beefing just in a couple of their clips and they've released and that'd be dead fucking interesting because then obviously matt surpasses them and i don't think my rifle made me say this i think smart norman and some

moral or objectively better joke writers than he is i just i think comedy needs beef do you think we should you'd say the pasco not a good example But like You know But if I released a disc track Yeah Yeah yeah yeah If I did the Pascoe disc track Yeah I would have gotten Everyone's attention To be fair Maybe that is

What comedy beef is Maybe it's just Writing stuff about Other people in your books Because you are Such fucking little losers You've got to get Into the literary section

To think that the beef Because there's good There was I followed like The LA podcast for a while there was that Brendan Shaw and Brian Callum was going against Bobby Lee I was mad into that and that was good

but comics comics aren't really beef in private you know what we never ever released them but I could probably still find them oh no I know exactly what you're talking about let's not even look for them this is how I would find it,

an old email address. Yeah. But I'd hit, like, Gandig Fruit. It says, me, you, Matt Reid. Danny McLaughlin. Danny McLaughlin. And Lee Kyle? Hi.

We had, like, an email chain where we were pretending to write reviews for our mates, but they were like in the wanky style of like an edinburgh broadway baby like yeah three weeks the broadens always missing the point of what you're watching to like slam them for something doing a really bad review of your friend by a reviewer who did not understand the show or get it or have any sense of humor and you either do a glowing review or a really negative review.

And at the end, regardless, it's three stars because three stars is just the most pointless and unspotting thing that you can fucking give. There were some very funny ones in there. But to be fair, I think we kept it... I'm correct me if I'm wrong here. I think we kept it mostly kosher. I think we were genuinely going after

friends. Well the idea was the idea was like when it comes to the fringe like we'll just start fucking releasing them and putting the stars on the posters as just this anonymous, they're masked critique just sort of anonymous but it's like it wasn't a single person anyway but it would just generate a little

bit of like who the fuck's writing this, this is quite funny these are like quite clearly people who are in know in the know stand up but then there was a couple of where we're like oh we might have actually hit nerves on the fragile egos of comics if we if we do put these out especially when you're at the fringe and you're fucking worried about your work anyway and somebody's like hitting insecurity like a best friend would but you don't know it's one of our friends yeah it could just be anyone so god we really are bitches maybe that's why comics don't have beef

it's because we're all such overly sensitive folks the empathy kicks in and you go you might struggle with that you might take that home with them

right okay here's a question for you right if you want to right so I'm taking time off after this fucking tour I'm gonna go be a family man

for a bit rediscover my love for stand up dip my toes back in the water whenever I can be arsed I'm going to go be a family man for a bit rediscover my love for stand-up dip my toes back in the water whenever I can be arsed you're about to

go off do your own tour right so let's just say you just go full fuck it

I'm going to go pure fucking career mode pure cynicism pure I'm going to find

not necessarily going to do bad comedy get at the top but I'm going to use like

unsavory tactics and one of the best ways rappers do it to up their fucking profile is to create beef

with other featured artists on their tracks or create beef with like better artists and hope that they fucking reply to you

who on your climb to the top I want three people at different levels who you're going to beef with who you're then going to beat in a beef

to jump onto the next person oh god like which ones would just be career suicide? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going after Sarah Milligan. Yeah, exactly. For no reason. Like everyone would be like, nah man.

That's your queen. And also, no offense to you, I think she'd beat you. I think she'd beat you. I think she'd fucking... But basically, a guy after Parsons would be cathartic for a lot of people. Okay. Who have just had it like, just being like, oh yeah, he is shite. Right, so you batter Andy Parsons on the way out.

You're on your way up. Everyone does Andy Parsons Andy Parsons on the way out you're on your way up everyone does Andy Parsons twice once on the way up once on the way down right okay who else

he beefs back people kind of like it because they're like oh yeah I remember him they get it back wait so I'm gonna get a bit of

momentum right yeah and I'm gonna go after Frankie because he's going in to beat a cookboard yeah yeah he's going in to beat a cookboard yeah yeah he's going in to beat a cookboard now I think he's showing his neck

yeah I reckon you can go after him but again it would be like that time I know Meg Tino Asprea okay so you reckon well because I understand what you said about Frankie

like is and again I mean look Frankie has always I think I don't think he's changed his opinions at all in like the 20 years about Frankie like is and again I mean look Frankie has always I think I don't think he's changed

his opinions at all in like the 20 years I do find it very funny there were people who were like Frankie's gone fucking woke and it's like man did you not listen

to the jokes he was telling on all the offensive jokes he was doing were anti-monarchy anti-capital he's always been the anti-government

it's just at the time I think it was a Labour government was in so you were like oh it's fine when he does it there butment it's just at the time I think it was a Labour government so you were like oh it's fine when he does it there but now it's against the Tories blah blah which is always the fucking case

I mean he gets some good shots in it yeah but you could do it there is dirt there is dirt like if he was beating you you could go for the eyes

you could do the Kendrick. Aye. Aye. So there's just certain people you just wouldn't touch. Who you're not touching? Jeffreys. Yeah. You kind of touch Jeffreys, you'd die.

Yeah. You could maybe do, I would maybe, and I think like behind the curtain, I'd probably let him know at some point, I think he probably would know just for the hell of it, I'd do Carr because his career is further in terms of like America and Europe and stuff. like I could do him, he'd probably, probably fucking beat me. But if I just like graciously accepted it at the end, then,

you know, shake hands, respects, this is the next generation. Then stab him in the fucking... You're lost against him, but you put on a show. And then when he's old and decrepit, just absolutely turn my back on him.

So who's me rap piece with then? Straight, so you've gone, you started with it, you started with Parsons. Fucking hell, you've gone through more than it you started with Parsons you go through Mother Week Dara Watchout

Dara Watchout I'm coming for the king you're still opening Dana you don't want to go global I'm not going

after Dara nah oh fucking Jeff Ross you not going after Dara Nah Oh fucking Jeff Ross You're going after Jeff Ross Pretender Stealing a career up there Got a job because Greg Geraldo overdosed Those are good beefs

You've got two years You've got two years This is like the netting challenge you go do that I'll go get in shape you go get your own career and I'll get ripped

I just come back I just come back after two years like Danny you've got a star tour my new one's booked apparently I'm a cunt apparently the fucking

nice guy thing was apparently I'm really upset at Andy Parsons he's just a really nice guy he's a real sweetheart had his moment in the light he's been nice to everyone since he's happened

to these people he's fucking he slapped his bald head and he didn't even say anything about Frankie Bowie he just started swinging he was doing his shopping just an old man at the shops

okay if I'm trying to get to the next level of my career he's doing his shopping just an old man at the shops okay if I'm trying to get to the next level of my career I think easy one for me just considering like people have suggested

that what with like his air quotes cancellation and what's been happening with the Russell Brand thing I reckon I reckon I'd go for Matt Rife straight away right

he's got way more he's infinitely more successful than me but there's enough people who have like sort of said and also you know

the people that have seen our things and been in the comments being like I could do that I would get get loud he would win

but only because he had he he's got the most followers but like people who didn't I would then be able to get people who didn't like Matt Rife on site and that's what I'm trying to get at that point.

You're not going, you're not trying to convert Drake's fans. You're trying to get Drake's haters to be more on your side. Yeah, you're like, oh, fucking someone's saying it. Aye, aye. So.

About time someone in the industry spoke up. Yeah, so Google, go again. You're going to get those guys who are like quietly saving because of their last fancism. Aye. Yeah. I think you're going to get quite a bit

of incel on side. That's the problem. Oh, you think? Because I think, I think his is going to get quite a bit of incel on Sade, that's the problem Oh you think? Because I think his is not necessarily him but like certainly I think people who hate that women love him will love you for that Oh but then

all of his response to the cancellation and stuff was like to tell people to get like the fucking disabled head thing He did hard pivot didn't he? He tried to get he tried to get um no no you tried to get a like a bit of a rebrand on no no i think his thing was always just like i'm just gonna fucking say anything that's what i've done you can take what i've said you know it was just a joke yeah yeah yeah his thing is i'm gonna say anything and i'm a comedian

um blah blah blah um so that's that's good to start with then are we going to go heel because that maybe we're going to heel tomorrow and people

you'd probably get quite a lot of people outside if you went after Dave Chappelle for the trans bashing I was going to go absolute fucking

polar opposite I was going to go get all the Matt Rife hairs mad onto my side with the fan base I've developed for years, right? At this point, again, we're trying to get blanket. We're trying to become most famous, most popular, most fucking known. At this point, I've got all the lefties,

I've got all the liberals, they're on my side. How do I get the people on the right-hand side? Dave Chappelle's not going to do that. Maybe I go for him finally. Second person I go for people on the right hand side Dave Chappelle's not going to do that maybe I go for him finally second person I go for out the gate Gatsby just

just completely muddy the waters the people who loved me and defended me for years are like yeah

what no people have hated me they're like huh this is interesting

all of the people who are in your like you know with rap as you'll have like a camp of people who are like on your side is interesting all of the people who are in your leg you know with rap as you'll have like a camp of people who are like on your side yeah right like all the people that are on your side will be like fuck no i've got a decision to make yeah yeah like everyone like reese yeah i think they would definitely i think if i went after hannah katsby i'm losing all the good people yeah yeah you're losing the room room aye they get they get like when Hannah replies

it'll be like Tupac but with like mob deep like you'll have you'll have his click right so they go for that right I've married the worst

so at this point I'll probably actually quite hate it right eh because like I've disappointed people it's still good for the

foot fetish people if I get cramp I've just got cramp for the is cramp is cramp like squirting in the foot fetish people if I get cramp I've just got cramp for the is cramp is cramp like squirting in the foot fetish world em

no it's probably like serial masochism tickling your feets probably aye like that em because that blows up now the right wing like me

right and I obviously don't like the right wing like me but now they know who I am now they're fucking paying attention so you're can after the guy so now I go after the guy now final boss Chappelle no realistically even if I do the best I'm not fucking beaten Chappelle it's just not gonna it's not gonna

happen but hey you know you know it's the fans yeah it's when somebody wins some back over complicated career and then yeah I mean definitely at that point doing stadiums but to like a confused crowd the most

which is the people that stuck with it all the way through just there like like what's he gonna say now yeah and 800 patreons

being like well I've been there from the start I just thought I'd there for the start. I just thought I'd be for the whole thing. I'm an OG. What can I say? The Gatsby thing

was surprising. Imagine like, you released a disc track for Gatsby and then you're like, you're going to bed and you wake up and you just have a moment

where you see that you've responded. Your phone's starting to go off. People asking if you're like you're going to bed and you wake up and you just have a moment where you see that you've responded your phone's starting to go off people asking if you're alright you got a message off Milo going are you alright

after the Gatsby thing would you take would you go and make breakfast and just have yourself a moment where nothing's happened yet nothing's happened yet have some fruit

put some yoghurt on have a nice day and then you go alright let's see what Gatsby's done oh no I don't know here's the real issue with what happened I would try to do that yet have some fruit put some yogurt on have a nice day and they got ready let's see what caspy still oh no i don't know here's here's what would happen i would try to do that and carol go have you seen what's happened i'd be like bad or good as you go they're all saying you've been murdered no no when you say they all do you mean the public or just race

that would be a funny one if you get all of the they them's after you and then go after Dave Chappelle while they hate you then you're an artist then you've actually just been there to provoke everyone and then it's been like and then people

can sort of look back and then I think also if you make sure that you're criticising during all the beefs that I've got right I'm criticising

Rife for the right things to criticise I'm about right I'm criticising Gatsby for the right things to criticise I'm about criticising Chappelle for the right thing right

I'm going in harsh I am often taking it too far I'm swinging fucking hard but the base level of it I have gone after fair things that means you know after Chappelle beats me

right just capitulate go away for like fucking five years then people remember back fondly because there's no more good beef anymore

I'm just calling it Caspi just copycats everywhere fucking boring shit happening people are like would be good if he came back what if Bo Burnham called you out what if Bo Burnham called you out

what if he started beefing you what if you were on his beef list oh god what if you just wake up one morning fucking

Bo Burnham's just been attacking absolute smack about you on his vlog fucking heck I have I mean what do you do

if John Jones follows you home like man the guy like here's the thing when Bo Burnham starts beefing with me this is just comedians

beefing with him like he's doing songs like I don't know like at that point I've got to collaborate with Tim Minchin or Bill Bailey both by the way

massive Bo Burnham fans so I've got to start fake I've got to start fake beef there I've got to be I've got to be gaslighting Tim Minchin

right gaslighting Tim Minchin and they said what he said what he ate oh no just going through some of the lyrics

that are like definitely about me but being like oh that was actually about this thing about you that thing apparently you've spotted

in a clip of Phil Doust so I've got I've got at that point I've got to get yeah maybe I go for both maybe like

get Bill get oh no, or tough get, tough get, really tough get, impossible, but we're in the world of impossibility here. Lonely Island out of retirement.

Oh, nice. And then, Andy Samberg. That's how I beat Boba. And then like do like Eminem on Forever and just move to Andy Samberg on his own track. That's what I'll do to Bo Burnham

right the only way I'm beating him every single one of my return diss tracks is just me with a more talented musical I do one with Will Bailey I do one with Tim Mitchen

I do one with Concord I do one with Lonely Island I do one with fucking oh come on the white rapper he's got his own TV show Dave Dave Dave it's just called Dave with fucking, oh, come on, the white rapper, he's got his own TV show, Dave.

Dave? Dave. It's just called Dave. The one that sings, um, Tiago Silva? No, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no. The, I can't, his name's gone out of my head,

and people are screaming at the thing, but I don't have my phone on me, so I'm all doomed. go, get on that, and then, and then I've just got, and then I've got like A fucking album

Of like Collaborative bangers Of diss tracks And then And then hopefully Me and Bo make up What would you do If you released like

A diss track With someone And they were all just like Oh sticks and stones I mean that would be good I mean that would be good. I mean, that would be absolutely devastating. I'll stick to the stairs, Daniel.

Oh, man. But you know what? I'd release a second disc. I'd come back with sticks, mate. I'd be like, fucking shit, tell us your weakness. God, that would be so funny just as it's like and it would it would you would be

called out for being a loser for like so many fucking months but in the long run if you were just like fuck off title you know it's always funny to do the M&M kill shot thing which is to turn around

and just go fuck off dead but eh yeah if you could just fucking Buddhist an entire beef I'd just get through it. I'd still keep releasing comedy.

Just releasing clips now. It's not happening. He has me stuffing with my dog. Sending them birthday cards. Releasing diss tracks and you're sending them fucking Christmas presents thinking you donate to charity in their name. Kill the vulcanist, doing a beef. Oh,

I wish I had the patience for it. Have you ever heard any comedian slugging you off? Em, no, for which I'm grateful because I know it's happening. But,

but man, I'm very much of the opinion that like, man, if you want to tell me behind my back, fucking go nuts. Like man, it's venting, right? Most of the time I bitch about the communities behind the back.

If I was to self-reflect on it with a therapist for two hours, I'd be like, all right, that's all of my insecurities. These are people who have great fucking stuff in my head. It's nice to get it out. So as long as people are doing it behind my back and just doing it. Because it would be devastating if you found out that nobody ever slagged you off and you'd be like,

oh God, I've slagged a few people off. I thought it was going to be evens when we've done the scores at the end. Yeah. No, I feel like people do. I feel like if anyone like, I reckon I'd absolutely get like gently ridiculed or whatever

off people, of course. But I don't think there's too much animosity going around there was the beef with Andrew O'Neill and Michael Legg back in the day it wasn't Andrew O'Neill

I've always been someone to Andrew O'Neill it was Andy Talbot no not Andy Talbot Christian Talbot Andrew O'Neill was the one

we mean him threatening to fight each other during the key and boxing thing oh did he get involved with that I can't of mean i mean make a leg and christian talbot getting involved now like absolutely went to them that was very much lower level and that was like insecurity based beefing in my uh beef response i wrote christian talbot's to-do list on a t-shirt pizza box and posted online was all just like fucking shite stuff that he does with his day

ask Michael Legge what my opinion is yeah God do you remember back in those days maybe it is I was what's us

we're the problem we're the problem I think I don't I don't think I think we're well received in the industry oh I think like generally as a rule I think we're well-received in the industry.

Oh. I think, like, generally as a rule, I think, like, if anybody started, like, venomously slagging off in just, like, a generic green room, there'd probably be a couple of people that were like, that's a red flag to them, that they're going after us. I'm not so sure. I wonder if there's, like, there may be one or two people

that, like, I've just been, like, imp in play to I said something that was like maybe a bit Frank because I thought it was funny I like a swing and a miss you know that the leg they didn't pick up how I was putting it down and they'll have like a little great but wouldn't them in 15 years is boo to be one or two of them but I think about all the times it fucking like all the different arts bars and stuff where I've just been countedunted off me mail and also just so deep into a tooth that I'm not really

caring about you know what I get like where I probably have just been flippant to people all but I haven't I mean I must have but like

I remember people being arseholes to me and I have not dropped any of those grudges none you didn't just think I've caught them on a bad day nah nah I've got names that's caught them on a bad day? No.

No, I've got names. That's just them on a bad day. No, no way. Not a chance. Not against me. There's some people where I'll get along with them, but if people slag them off, I'll be like, oh, yeah, I get that.

Yeah. I'm not going to run to the defence here because I know exactly what you're on about. I somehow managed to get along with them perfectly fine. And I not joining in on this but I'm not gonna I'm not gonna disarm you if you're complained because it's real hi all of my friends are deeply flawed much like I am but I can tolerate their flaws and if you can't fair enough mm-hmm like I got some fucking I am friends with someone annoying fucking cunt mm-hmm mm-hmm do you reckon it would be good if like would you take it up as an option if every new

year right you need a list of like you go through before you go through a door you just fill this list out of the names of all the friends that you want to take on into the next year. And then when you don't do, they're just like, it's just a government system. So their numbers are deleted off your system. It's off all social media. They somehow forget.

Well, in fact, they don't forget your address, but if they go to your house, it's considered stalking. Like it's a well-known thing. You get your list of friends when you walk through that door and if you've written someone else's name down and they've not written yours it's not on that list you can't be in contact with them anymore would you take that as an option if you can just literally the list of friends you're taking the next year yeah everyone else is told that any contact with you will result in them oh i'd be worried that i missed someone off the list who i like like flip flippantly accidentally forgot someone off the list you've got all year

huh it's all year it's a yearly tradition that happens every new year don't go wrong you've made that mistake sometimes before and you've lost some good people you know you can't bump into them on the street and be like oh i'm sorry we can get back together and hopefully they take your apology i'll get your next new year's list. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But at the minute, like you're going to get arrested if you keep tiring me right now and you're in trouble.

Yeah. Would I take that list? No. Oh, I wouldn't. No. People, like, I've had people that, like, wouldn't have made the list

and they've absolutely U-turned and been, like, come good. Oh, no, man. As somebody who's not confrontational, I remember the first time being absolutely devastated by how just like

people who weren't confrontational were often disadvantaged by in the first rule that you learn when you're growing up at least when we were younger

is you can't dump someone by text and I was always like oh but why not but why I've just done it I've sent it so like but why but like oh yeah sure why? I've just done it. I've sent it. So like,

but like, oh yeah, sure. Like, okay, we've been going out for three or four years. We've lived together. Sure.

I can't be like, Hey, you're dumped. It's the biggest cowardice. It's the biggest cowardice, but I'm 13. I'm never going to say them again. I just,

I say proposing by text dad, but worse. Don't have the decency. If you're dumping someone by text, you're the problem. Agree. The problem isn't the person that you're texting. Okay, but agree. So in that case, as long as we're agreeing that I'm the problem,

can I then dump you by text? It's not your to me, please take me. Here's a thought experiment for you if every comedian that let's just say puts in a tax return for a professional salary like not you know if you just blanket say comedian could be any fucking but if you say like a certain amount on your tax return that's that's how much you're getting paid you're a comedian we'll respect you

for the living that you're making if every person each week had to go into the diary room and evict another comedian

oh yeah would you be nervous on results day the entire the entire UK comedy scene uh huh no not for a while you'd think

you'd think you had like a good wild grace'd think you had a good Wales grace, wouldn't you? Yeah. Yeah. If it's weekly evictions, let's say, out of my arse,

let's say four, let's say 500 comedians in the UK fall into that category. Yeah. 52 weeks in a year. You'd see the arrow. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'd like to believe I'd see a year out then again maybe you're following hmm be a second guessing

what people are thinking like I've got this perception of myself that I get along with everyone because when I see them I get along with them

get along with them that's the majority of people in any green room like maybe it's like one or two that even then what the one or two i'm like i find them annoying but they probably don't know that they're annoying us oh well no the first

thing i'm doing is the first people i'm voting off are the unfunny people and i'm hoping that as an industry that's the standard we're all taking for the first like are you thinking you're thinking of the bill before you're thinking of the time you're hanging out? Yeah, the first 10 evictions better be the worst 10 comedians we all know. Because if they're not, and I start seeing it being tactical fucking people, then we're going survivor up in this bitch. I think it would be 80-20 in my head. I reckon there's some good comedians that I'd let better people stay for. I'd evict better comedians than the ones that are sound

and better company. But there'd have to be a good balance of that. I think it would be, like I say, 80% to do with the talent. But if that 20% has to do with that personality

is a big enough of a compromise. Because you do have to hang around with them a lot as well as share a stage with them. Yeah, so that's why I feel like I'd be at a disadvantage. I've not shared this, like I've not been on the circuit for years. there's like nobody knows what i'm like and i come across as a fucking arsehole in everything and obviously like it's

once you're once you're here with me that you realize most of it's like almost ironic you know what i was outside unhappable because we've, like, because of your career and I've been, like, coming away with you, that means I haven't been on the circuit as much as, like, I like being on the circuit.

Like, I always dip my toe back in when I get a bit of time. We haven't, like, developed into any of the cliques and I like a lot of the cliques in the different areas.

Like, I'll always go in and get along with them and, like, find them good company, enjoy their gossip and then move on and um it's like where he watched sons of anarchy no uh there's like guys i can't remember what they call them but there's sometimes just in the area and they

float in and they'll join the sons of anarchy for like an episode and then they'll fuck off on the bike again i feel like we always float in and fit in with all the different groups of comedians around the country without ever being part of any of them either that or everyone's snakes huh either that or everyone's snakes i think so all right do you think there's there's bound to be a few snakes out there like absolutely slagging you off i think there was i don't think there's going to be many I think I think comedians are too Insecure Most of the times they're just hating themselves But Would you be mad if you found out someone was slagging you off

Like if it got back to you It depends who Because I I don't think I didn't think I'd take it that personally Yeah it'd be hard to It depends who it was and depends for what like reason but most of the time i would just be like i want to you

know what i've probably pissed you off at least once in the 16 years what what if it was like i'm just gonna like pick any name and any reason with the hat right like what if like phil chapman said he ignored you ignored his last okay i don't know who Phil Chapman is, so fine. But he's got to run telling people that you ignored his lass. Yeah, I probably did. I'm not going to defend myself. Fine, he's allowed to hit me. Next.

Right. What if Terzilias said that you just sat down in the green room and ate his sandwich and didn't even fucking mention it, just ate his sandwich in the green room. And like he couldn't have any of the other sandwiches because his was halal. He's going around saying that. I mean, I might have done. I'm high a lot of the time. I do eat.

He didn't ask if he could have any. I do just start eating then. I mean, it feels like you can find me on it. But yeah, man, if I ate a sandwich, I'd like to bitch about that. Fair enough. I eat no beef. No kosher beef.

What about Sarah Keyworth was just disgruntled because like, you pointed out a lass's tits to Vak as you thought she'd like them as well. Oh,

oh, oh, oh. Oh, this one's plausible as well. The only way it's not plausible is I feel like Sarah Kingsworth would be like, those are absolutely great. So yeah, maybe I would have a problem with this because then I'd be like, oh, she must have not,

you know what, beef. Because she's, I feel like she's misconstrued me i was definitely doing it like in a jokey way like i'm not i'm married i'm doing that to you in the like i'm here i'm a parody of a of a straight man awkwardly hanging out with a non-binary but just oddly you happen to point out some amazing tits that even in the world that you're not building for yourself are great boobs alright

that was my intent and if she took the intent it's me being like leery like oh who the fucking great are those and that's how she's pitched me beef

alright what if Rosie Jones calls you hack Rosie Jones can't even call us hack yeah let her have it you fucking Jones calls you hack. Rosie just got in and called us hack. Let her have it.

You fucking come in. That's not a quality. I just stopped doing more hack stuff. I'm like, it was a shoe fit. Shoe fits, I'll wear it. The orthopedic shoe. All right. Alex Edelman listened to the podcast and he thought the Jew stuff that you were doing

was deeply inappropriate. Oh, if Judelman called me an anti-Semitism, I'd have to... First of all, I'd call him a dirty Jew. That'd be the first and foremost. The absolute first thing I would do. He allows the problems. Because he would phone me and he would call me Slostica.

Which he does. That is his nickname. I can turn that air conditioning off. He calls you Slostica which he does that is his nickname I can turn that air conditioning off he calls you Slostica yeah he calls me Slostica if Edelman tells me to check my anti-semitism then

then I'm probably checking my anti-semitism if I go back and reflect that it's not being then then beef and then also

yeah beef beef what if Dane Baptiste wrote a passive aggressive not even passive aggressive directly

directly aggressive there's nothing passive about it text on Instagram story threat to your life I mean I'd probably fool the police and also

and also beef you wouldn't just ring your mates no if you threatened my family on Instagram no man I'm ruining your life and the way to ruin your life is with the law like and just ring your mates? No, if you threaten my family on Instagram, no, man.

I'm ruining your life and the way to ruin your life is with the law. Like... I would always go out to be mates before the cops. And I'll see you in jail. You want an effective job done? Ramesh Ranganathan going around telling everyone that you're tasting rapid shit.

I mean, I did call Drake Jake, so I am a little bit out of touch with the current crop. I think he is qualified to question me tasting rap music because he's deeper than I am. Okay. He's deeper than I am. Okay. What if Danny McLaughlin was saying that here,

doing one of his bits? Oh. You'd just ring him up, wouldn't you? Yeah, yeah, 100%. I'm calling Danny, I'll be like, all right, which bit? Which bit, so I can drop it. Yeah, yeah, which bit? Fair enough.

Sorry, man, I'll let you have it, yeah. That would be just an easy conversation wouldn't it yeah I think so yeah yeah but then also knowing Danny McLaughlin would be like

you have been bitching about me for a week though haven't you don't lie hey Danny you can have the joke don't lie to me

before this phone call you've been bitching about me quite a few doesn't it be Shillory yeah that's right Matt Reid's been

going around telling people that your last flirt's with him Matt Reid's been going around telling people that your last flirt's with him to be fair to be fair that does sound like something Matt Reid would do and I think I would just take it as banter the entire time

Dave Longley Dave Longley going round telling everyone you're a joke thief if Dave Longley is trolling us in real life Dave Longley going round telling everyone that you're going to be on the next and he's genuinely telling people

you're getting congratulations messages about it that you're going to be on the next and he's genuinely telling people like you're getting congratulations messages about it that you're going to be on the next season of Brits Got Talent. If he starts spreading that rumour. Because that's just trolling. That's not beef. Like that's not slagging us off

or something like that. I just started a rumour that like I was engaging a throuple with him. They find out that he also started that rumour. You're like, I can't do this with you

they make it for the shoe fits alright Ed Gamble's saying that your fucking train had collections and knock off oh

first of all I would I would be annoyed you know what probably beef actually yeah because because of his proximity to fucking

A-caster my insecurity and my thing I'd be like this is this is this isn't just you this is something else

this is you and your mates and if it's gonna be you and your mates it's me and my mates versus you's then and then and then absolutely beef em

I think we'll have to like challenge them with intellect yeah em Phil Wang going around telling people you can't cook? No, that's it. No, no, no.

Phil, why aren't you going around telling everyone that you make Natalie cook all your meals for you? Oh, like that I'm a bit chauvinistic with her marriage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the rumours he's spreading about you. I don't make her.

She's just a bit of cook. So it just defaults to her. It's just happening over time, gradually. I just get a takeaway. No offence. Phil Wang's now like, all right, beef. All right, with green peppers, please.

All right, let's do a couple more. Chris Ramsey's going around saying that he stole his style for a stand up he kind of take a turn off when you're just doing the same thing

Kazimini me oh I wasn't annoyed until that and he said that on TV did he yeah Mini-Me Oh Oh I wasn't annoyed Until that And he said that On TV did he Yeah

It was on his Live podcast It was Oh fuck The live pod That's a big That's like fucking That's like going after

What's that Asian That's like going after BTS at this point K-pop The K-pop band Ramsey Are me and Oh god right So if the Ramseys Startsey are me and oh god right

so if the Ramsey start beefing me and Cara I'll be throwing up her and then and then Rosie throws in did you hear Cara was on the podcast

on one episode as well oh first of all Cara would be absolutely devastated by all of this by Chris and Rosie coming after her

why Rosie coming after her yeah yeah she loves Rosie Ramsey I think we got I mean I don't think we'll win it but I think it's got to be

it's got to be beef but here's the thing I can turn like I can turn it right Ramsey's absolutely have the love of the nation

at that point they're getting the UK on site they're not getting Europe and America I don't they might get a bit of Australia I think they've got some

crossover there but I don't know I realise you think they've got some crossover there but I don't know I realise you think you've got some flex but they're well you know what if they start

they're crushing the island that you live on that's right your home's a home game to them if they start a beef they'd be devastated on a personal level

but like and like Cara would Cara be good but I think we could like at that point we've got to look at each other and be like oh okay we can now turn I think we could like at that point we've got to look at each other

and be like oh okay we can now turn this into a career for us that's the only thing we've got to do at this point or or we do the one thing

that Cara is absolutely incapable of doing which is the thing we suggested before which is let's turn the other cheek like as upset as she'd be

if I went we could just leave it and let them win she'd be like and then we'd go down oh you just can't count them any more

to her start selling merch what if what if Russell Brand started saying he'd been slagging them off on dispatches

I feel like I'm biting me on your podcast you fucking coward oh right shall we go gig in fucking Tacoma

oh aye I've got a gig to do yep oh I mean it didn't hurt obviously

but you said ow obviously that didn't hurt well you said ow though aye but just like in a

in a oopsie kind of way you didn't say oops oops was there oh was there yeah we're gonna

chop that bit off no I mean I wouldn't I'm not soft