Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Best Behaviour

Episode Date: April 13, 2022

Muggins has been to a family wedding and Cream has been to Paris, so naturally they. come together full of love and spend an hour looking into each others eyes and giggling for your amusement. 

Thank you for joining us once again on Sloss and Humphreys On The Road, where I, Kai Humphreys, Mr Muggins, has just been to his brother's wedding, and my friend next to me, who's not next to me now, but he was for the podcast a second ago, Daniel Sloss, has been to Paris with Gareth Ward doing gigs. So we've both been on the road, separate roads, but eventful ones, so we'll get back together to have a little chat about where we've been and what we're doing.

So enjoy the podcast. There's one bit where we'll go off on an absolute tangent and make each other laugh so much that it felt like maybe we were enjoying it more than you will. But if you can even get half of the chuckle we got from it, you're going to be laughing on public transport. Sloss and Humphre laughing on public transport. Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia Where have you been since 9-11? Good morning, Cream You timed that poorly We could have, I think we should have taken our sips first

And then I mean, it's a podcast, it's recorded, it's not live We could We could do over and do like a pro intro Well, then Well, I was about to say, but then that'll give them a it's not live we could we could do over and do like a intro well then well I was about to say but then that'll give them

an expectation for a certain level of standard but I mean I'm at the point where I think I'm with them that this does

need to be better aye I think we've got the fastest plateau in podcasting history flame emoji flame emoji like we have reached in a moment of people who listen to this podcast and that's it the fastest plateau in podcasting history. Flame emoji, flame emoji.

Like we have reached an amount of people who listen to this podcast and that's it. We found them all. They're like, we're in by the way. We'll love you guys. We're in.

Aye. But I feel like I can't tell my friends I listen to this. But I feel like anybody that dips in now. Yeah. You say people aren't

people aren't recommending this now. They're like, oh, it's too far gone aye aye one big in joke it's not when people ask them what podcast are you listening to you don't say this one you're just like i can't even explain it you wouldn't you wouldn't know them i go to a different school aye they don't make much sense it's really not you'll just find it annoying i'm used to them not finishing stories and being too hard to finish sentences. And it's because I've just lowered my standards

over seven years now. It's marriage. It's marriage. They fucking wore me down. Missionary podcast sex. Lights off under the covers. Aye. Just doing it for the kids.

Just doing it for the patrons at this point. We're just doing it for the kids just doing it for the patrons at this point we're not even on the road anymore nah we did we did fucking we tidied this up if you're watching this if you're watching this on the cameras

we tidied up the desk a little bit but also I think in the next couple of months we forgot to move this pen no I know that makes us look like we you know that there was planning before this that you make little edit notes

I just write my curse's name on the panel in my hand just write that S Superman S let me tell you with the second name Sloss when I discovered that letter I'm like well I mean what a day. Incredible.

Scenes. I used to write my name, right, using, like, kind of, like, blades, like a triangle. Like, not an actual blade, but, like, it starts at a sharp point and ends up, like, at a, you know what a triangle is? Yeah. So I did a car, I made three of those. You know that, you've literally just done that, Andy, asking, you know what a triangle is? Yeah, did a kai made of three of those you know that you've just you've literally just done that Andy asking

you know what a triangle is yeah yeah yeah I've heard of them aye but like you know like with a loop and arc on it like long triangles

right and I did the A with the three of them and then the I with one of them right and I was about to get that tattooed on my skin when I was 18

like the same the same letter in that happy walk use and I'm just going to get Kai tattooed on my skin with it like my tattoos

that I did get aren't much better yeah yeah I was going to say it's not like either of us are rocking around with sick tats

we've just got a bunch of you know decisions we made at a time I think that's why tattoos should be done, sure. You can turn your body into a canvas and be an absolute work of art

for some of the best tattoo artists out there. Or you can let people doodle on you. You know? That's the way I... How much do you respect your body? Because I don't respect mine that much. Like, I'll, you know, at the moment I'm being healthy-ish. I'm working out.

I'm just, you know, eating a little bit better. But that's just to live longer for my son. You might want to meet his kids. Who knows? Oh, yeah. Oh, well, I guess I also want to get into a fucking decent-sized, you know, wedding suit. But body-wise.

I love my new suit oh god I kept it that's it I warned people about my suit right I was like sorry just before

we go down this tangent I will just finish the other tangent we didn't finish which is the standard of the podcast will be going up we were cleaning

this table before I'll have you all know and also I'll be cleaning out this entire office in about a month so we'll be doing different camera angles? Oh, yeah.

We don't just have to get the one camera angle that isn't good? Because even under the desk, under the desk is like, you know when you tidy your house but you just bung everything in the cupboard? Aye. Like, we've literally just cleaned up the portion that's on the screen.

The whole place is upside down. I think we could get like a... We could get a couple of camera angles, we could get some of this artwork in the back. Yeah, we could get another camera. I think that's the way to do it so set this up like a

studio I'm just saying look imagine this podcast like this you've been we've been fuck buddies for years us and you

and but you've not told any of your friends that you fuck us like they know you hooked up with us one night

you see what potential there's a long term yeah but you haven't for ages like it's like we've just been like a you flirt up with us one night. You see what potential there's a long-term suitor. Yeah, but you haven't for ages. Like, it's like, we've just been like a... And you've flirted with other podcasts, I've seen you. Yeah, and we don't mind. We know you're listening to other shit.

We're not asking for exclusivity. It's just that it has commitment issues. Aye, aye. And we know that we're, you know, we wouldn't want to be seen on our own arms at this point. But, you know, we wouldn't want to be seen on our own arms at this point. But, you know, we've started, you know. Like, you know, before I proposed to Natalie, like, I got me some good shit, but got into debt.

It's a bit like that, isn't it? Where, like, now I want to be with her forever. I just, like, now I'm not good enough for her just yet. Aye, it's that. Well, look, at one point, we will be bringing you the podcast you deserve. Maybe not today. Definitely not tomorrow. But at some point we will be bringing you the podcast you deserve maybe not today definitely not tomorrow

but at some point in the future but in the next two hours when we're motivated and we're like Sluss and Horny is on the road 5.0

well because we'll be so fucking well rested by then like I already feel just like I've come out of a hibernation after tour where it's just

you go into like a mental shutdown of oh I'm after tour where it's just you go into like a mental shutdown of oh I'm off tour I'm just going to go everything was so fast for a while I'm going to go purposely slow

the lowest programming like you just go down the minimum CPU usage possible aye and you just sit and you exist in your house and you just fucking play games

and you don't think much whereas I can feel myself now emerging, going, all right, well, I guess I'm actually, I'm safe now, am I? I'm actually home for a bit. Nobody's going to fucking yank me out. I've met my child.

After neglecting my pregnant wife, I've met my child. And it turns out I'm absolutely fine to neglect him. Totally cool with that. So you got back on the road. I'm sorry I didn't join you, but it looked like you had fun with Gareth. I did.

I missed my son for, we left at four in the morning. Oh, this was the first time overnight away from Caleb. It wasn't overnight. Literally got back, I got back last night as well. So you did, there we go. But oh man, it felt like a day.

I felt as insane as Cara is most of the time. It was like legitimately last night when I came in and most of the time it was like like legitimately last night when i came in i heard him and i was like has he changed and she was like you saw him this morning i'm like okay right okay so i'm also now a mental person who's just like he's growing up too fast even though i've still not had a night away from him um our agent is very very good at her job. Yes. We love her dearly. She is also an insane person.

And that's one of the reasons why she's a very good agent, because you cannot negotiate with insane. Right? She's just... You have to meet them on that level, and to meet them on that level is to go insane nobody yeah

they just can't she's they can't get paid with her she's very very good at her job and insane to the nth degree what's she done now

she I don't know if you know that there's some problems with some fucking airports because there's understaffing because of Covid

oh yeah yeah like I was flying out of Dublin the other week and they were like please turn out three hours before your flight and i was like ah one and a half i'll come one and a half anything like that that's your problem right right right exactly right exactly that for fucking two weeks weeks Marlena has been pestering me, there's another word for it me and Gareth about this flights, the flights the airport's been fucking slow

and over busy and you've got to get there the flight is at ten past six right to France from Edinburgh on a Sunday now I have a rule with Marlena and she knows the rule and you know the rule and she knows the rule, and you know the rule, and everyone knows the rule. I'm not coming to the airport with you.

I do not go through the airport. Even if we arrive at the same time. I will get the taxi with you to the airport. We will get a taxi from the airport to wherever we need to go. I've got no problem with that. I will not go through an airport with Marlena. Even though she insists on we should ambulance chase her through security. Yeah, because Marlena has problems with her knee,

which is very annoying. I know she hates it. I know if you could give Marlena one wish in the entire world, she would probably be that her knee was no longer shit. It's been shit for years. But she'd still use it to get to the airport. Aye, aye, but she does. Even if she could dance like Dick Van Dyke,

she'd still use her knee to get to the airport. No, no, no. I don't think she'd put it on, but while it's sore, might as well get all of the bonus special treatment. Now, she likes it. She likes the fact that she thinks it's faster. She thinks it's more efficient to get wheeled through the airport.

And sometimes it is, and sometimes it's not. You know, she gets on the plane last or first and then has to get off last it's not great she doesn't enjoy every second of it but there are definitely parts of it that she enjoys whereas what i enjoy at airports is getting completely and utterly begged beforehand headphones in lost in headphones in just because any cue you've got to do you're not in the queue you're listening to to your book. Yeah, or I'm listening to music, or I'm just high in a fucking airport. And I know to some people

that sounds like the scariest thing in the world, being high in an airport. And to them I say, first of all, depends which airport. Second of all, depends on your skin colour, obviously. Let's be real. And also the scariest thing in the world in an airport

is having to make small talk to the person next to you the whole time you're queuing. But also, none of the security care if you're high you're not smuggling drugs it's not on you like it's a stop acting like a 13 year old they're gonna they're gonna not let me on the plane because i'm high they don't give a fuck that you're high nobody cares that you're high there's people who aren't high that are acting crazier than you in the airport right now just get it doesn't matter all that parano bad annoying. I love it. It just calms me down. If you ever meet me,

I don't want to talk to anyone in an airport. Unless you're a fan, I will say that. Unless I'm running, feel free to bother me in an airport. I always love attention. There's something really rock and roll about being recognised in an airport. I was in the lounge once in Australia and someone came up and went,

oh my god, my wife's a huge fan of the podcast. Will you come get a photo of her? It'll blow her mind that you're in. And I've never been happier in my life. I've literally never been happier. Couldn't have been further from home. And I was like, can I get a photo? I want the photo.

This doesn't happen. Well, when me and G were in Paris yesterday, we walked down to the Louvre to get some wine and some cigarettes and just fucking look at Paris and judge everyone. And we were just sitting outside a cafe and a girl sat down and she turned around and just spoke fluent French as.

And we both went, Enclave? And she went, Oh, I was just am I in your way or do you mind if I sit here and we were like oh no it's absolutely fine feel free to sit there she went you're Daniel Sloss and Gareth was like get

fucked and I'm just sat there smug as fuck big grin on my face being like this is it this is their life so if you ever see me in an airport even though I don't like being spoken to or speaking to people telling me you love see me in an airport, even though I don't like being spoken to or speaking to people, telling me you love me is always an exception. Unless I'm running, right?

Don't be a dick if I'm clearly sprinting somewhere. Anyway. Just run alongside me. To Marlena. So she thinks the fact that there's this

problem at the airport that she's been reading about and hearing about and people being like oh I was there for three hours

I was in Charles de Gaulle airport for three hours and it was really long and horrible and you're like yeah you were in Charles de Gaulle airport

yeah that makes sense to me oh I've heard it was really busy at Schiepole oh wow okay and what else is in the fucking news today? It's a six, ten past six flight from Edinburgh. She's like, I'm going to get there.

I'm going to get a taxi to pick me up at three. I'll swing by yours and Gareth at about quarter past three and half three. And I'm like, absolutely. Take a running fuck to yourself. Marlena, I'm not having it. Go to the airport. Feel free to get there whatever time you like whatever time you like

I'm going to get there when I want to get there and because she listens to me when I'm firm with her she takes a step back she doesn't afford Gareth that she just kept pestering Gareth

and Gareth's like I'm a grown man I'm not going to miss a fucking airplane I'm a grown man I'm not going to miss a fucking airplane I'm not going to go there with you I don't want to get there when you get there.

I've got no interest in it. Right? I'll meet you there. Fine. 16 emails she sent us. That's abuse? 16 different emails to me and Gareth

just sort of really trying to express how early she really thought. All dictated as well. Like, she hasn't typed any of them. All. They're all through the voice-to-text function. Gareth is messaging me going,

he's like, this is insane. I cannot believe she's like a dog with a boat. She just won't get out of it. I'm like, man, just ignore her and get there when you're going to get there. I'll meet you at the fucking airport. So I wake up, again, one more time, flights at 10 past six.

I wake up at four in the morning. That's when I've set my alarm. Reasonable? Absolutely fucking reasonable. You have 20 minutes to have a coffee and get in pick-up? I am 10 minutes away from the airport,

like it's right there. The flights go over my fucking house. I would see my plane coming in, the one I was about to get on, like a school bus. No, wait for me, come on guys um I get a text at five past four from Gareth Waugh oh here's the sorry another important note that I left out I Edinburgh security Edinburgh airport has a really good feature on the website we they have the live

time of what the security is and it's live to like 30 seconds because i literally the night before woke up at five in the morning to change my son um and i looked at the phone just out of curiosity and i was like security three minutes long and i'm like oh this is the exact time i'll be there tomorrow that's all i need to know this is a saturday tomorrow's a sunday so it said the same thing to gareth during the day at like one in the afternoon i go on the website security seven minutes long right now if we weren't checking in

sorry if we were checking in luggage yeah I would have been there way longer the fact that it just goes through it's an in and out that's the one

you've got your boarding pass out already I've got my fucking boarding pass and I've just got a bag bag on my back if we had to check in oh I definitely would have been there much earlier

I will give her that yeah because that's where the queues are going to be where they always fucking are it's not security it's not security Gareth

messaged me at 5 past 4 in the morning being like 9 minutes 9 minutes between getting out of the taxi

and sitting down having a coffee and he went with her in the end he buggered no no no he went himself because Gareth's like

it's an international flight and I don't hate airports. And I'm fucking knackered from everything anyway. An extra 30 minutes isn't going to make a difference to my life. Right? But he ended up giving in to the pressure of Molly, right? A little bit. He ended up with two, two and a half hours to wait in the airport.

Yeah, two hours. Two hours, right? I get picked up by the taxi at half past four. I'm like, take the long route, take the sooner route. Do you want to go to the zoo? Like, what's up? If you've got to put Petaline down on my watch. Man, I am smug as fuck at this point, right?

I'm so, I cannot wait to just go in there and just see Marlena eat humble pie and be like, oh, what am I like? Okay, I definitely got this wrong. I'm in the taxi. I get out of the taxi. I pay by the card. I get there.

I'm pretty much at security. My phone rings. Taxi driver, hey, my machine didn't have signal there and the thing didn't go through. I'm really, really sorry. Is there any chance I can invoice you or anything I was like I'll come back

good time to burn you fuck this go back to the car tap the card anything else do you want an autograph do you want a talk do you want a five minute

conversation do you want a massage what's going on the enemy split get back in the fucking airport get through security in like

nine minutes like and look man in our defence again downstairs busy as fuck busy as fuck rammed

it's understaffed not my problem everyone's in for the flight that they're meant to have in three hours because they've got the email so they've fucking they've fucked themselves

by bringing everybody in three hours early and clogging up the early flights. Yeah. It's exactly what happens with that method. Yeah. I get through security and who do I see being wheeled

just through the duty free at that point but Marlena. So she was late. I'm like, if this bitch has made Gareth turn up at 4am and she's only just arrived, I'll never stop high-fiving her and I'll have to hold him off of her.

What an awful prank. What an awful prank. Getting someone to turn up at the airport at four in the morning and then just go psych so i'm fucking screaming laughing at this but i'm like i'm like this is a fucking great i get it i'm smug as fucking this way man you know me i do not talk to anyone in fucking airports but you needed to get to the bottom of this no no man i'm so happy that when i've come through security right when i've come through security, right, when I've come through security, sorry,

I've got my trainers on that I'm just wearing through my airport, my champagne slacks, my fucking hoodie, right, but in my bag I've got my R.M. Williams, my shoes, my boots from Australia, right? And my bag comes through, but the tray before my bag, there's my fucking R.M. Williams, but in a different tray. And I'm like, oh, that's a bit weird. So I sort of go to grab them, and some guy just picks up his tray and goes away, and I'm like oh that's a bit weird so I sort of go to grab them

and some kind of just picks up his tray and goes away and I'm like have I has someone just nicked my RM Williams right

someone has the same shoes as you someone has the same shoes as you yeah of course of course but you're hired

an airport I'm hired an airport oh but none of this was ever like I was never did you chase him down no no

but with no with glee in my eyes I went mate I thought you nicked my eyes I went, mate, I thought you nicked my shoes. I had airport security banter with him for two minutes. I was, like I've never spoken to anyone in an airport in my fucking

life and I'm like, hello stranger, let's bond over this. Why good sir? Because I am right. I am right. We have the same shoes. You are the exact guy that you hate, the Tesla guy who plugs in his car to charge and talks to you because you also have a Tesla. You are that the same shoes. You are the exact guy that you hate, the Tesla guy who plugs in his car to charge and talks to you because you also have a Tesla. Aye, aye, absolutely.

You are that guy about shoes. He loved my fucking banner. He was like, I've never seen another person over here with those. And I'm like, I know. Anyway, get through. I'm like, that was Sambas. I've seen some of those Sambas.

It's like, aye, aye, aye. He gives her the wee bus driver away. he gave her the wee bus driver wave so get through turns out Marlena had gotten there at three, half three whenever she fucking said she was going to get there because she apparently for her

I'm just like just admit you were fucking wrong just admit admit that you got sucked into the hype of the internet and the news, which is fine. It happens to all of us. We all, you know, hear these things and get caught up in the media. There's people who still back the Tories. Don't be one of them.

Just admit when you're wrong. You've seen the actions be wrong. As somebody who frequently travels, my decisions on when I go to an airport should never be fucking brought into question. None of that. None of that. She was like, I was right.

And I was like, you were right. She was like, they completely forgot that I was, you know, due wheelchair service. So I've been here for ages and I've only just gotten through. Now, that doesn't make you right. Oh, no no she had something to hang on to aye

so she's like if I turned up at 5 there would have been 2 hours waiting for a wheelchair and I wouldn't have gotten in until 7 yeah which is

missed my flight aye so she thinks I turned up at 3 and catching them clearly off guard because she's way early for a wheelchair

no no no worse worse she's like we're both right and I'm like we're not both right I'm right me and Gareth

are right oh man as long as she's happy aye gig went well oh man so man

that is the I said this earlier so I'm like that is the fucking gold standard for what I want

Turin to be from now on. Well, just in and out the same day, being at half five. Matt, let me tell you about our fucking day, right? So that's, I'm already off to the best start. I'm right, even though Marlena's not in a minute, it doesn't matter, I can bask in being right.

I got a set of validated. Aye. Me and Gareth are having a laugh about it, we get on the plane, we have a fucking nap, we get there. We've paid for this service get on the plane, we have a fucking nap We get there We've paid for this service Marlena, like a month ago Came to me with something

You know what, I'm like with money I'll just buy things Because I have money And she thinks I Splash cash on things If I want something Whatever the price of it is, I'll have it And it and i'll always you know sometimes pay for the better experience um so she doesn't like bringing things to my attention that she knows i'm going to buy but she has a duty to

bring them to my attention and she's like so there's this like service they offer in charleston go to the airport where they'll like meet you off and i and I'm like, whatever it costs. I'm like, don't even tell me the fucking price. How does this, like, chauffeur service to get you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So just man holding up your name with a board? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. They will meet you off the plane. The plane.

And I'm like, whatever the service is, get it fucking immediately, right? So, plane lands. Okay, now, Mr. Gareth Ward Daniel Sloss please make this known to member staff on the way out

we get out like off the plane the plane door opens there's a guy there with a sign for me and Gareth and he goes Sloss what?

and we're like yeah and he goes passports and we go yeah and he goes follow me he's dressed immaculately he's got slicked back hair

he's like he looks like you know me and Gareth are saying like in a spy movie or a heist movie in Europe, he would be the head of Interpol. Aye.

All right. And he'd be a good cop, but he would like, he would mistrust the good guy for a bit, but he was just trying to do his job. Yeah, he's on top of things. He's well cast. Aye, aye.

I mean, man, this can. Walks us past The two hour Brexit queue He walks us past He moves This is the thing Man, I don't know what badge he had But every member of staff

In there just got the fuck out of his way They changed tapes They took us around We walked past the fucking Brexit queue We walked past the fucking French Nationals queue we get to the fucking front they move somewhere they get out this is the thing oh my god kai right you're gonna end up broke i'm gonna not make any profit you're gonna end up broke as fuck but this is the thing when we when we get through

he's like do you have any luggage and I'm like I wish I did just to know what you would do just climb on the plane just start throwing

everyone else's suitcases off till they find yours or just like what shoe size and he just goes through everyone else's luggage until he finds shoes

just get that guy's shoes the guy from the airport man he gets us through it all He starts walking us To this fucking I'm trying to act cool

In front of Carth I've got to pretend This happens all the time Yeah I've got to be like You're trying not to just be Absolutely cheesy about it You're like

God I fucking believe This is a thing Walking along And you're just like Yeah this is what We're always doing to her man Aye aye aye This is

It's called the Platinum surface So it's legit We We're walking along And he turns around And he goes Oh so you guys

Must be here For the elections And we go What? And he goes You guys must be here For the elections The guys thought

You were political Yeah because There's a massive It's time champagne slacks man I'm telling you that's how an ambassador would travel

yeah but also I don't think I think they were like anyone paying for that service they're like oh you've got a very important

business meeting no I hate queues and can't afford not to stand in them this is like this is like it's unaffordable to not get there on time.

Aye, aye. That's, that's, that's service. No, we just want more time. So. Just want to have a glass of wine and a cigarette at the hotel. So, right. So, man, this guy takes us along.

He gets us to our fucking, our black car, puts us in the back of it. Oh, there's a killing ringing in. God, imagine that in the back of it. There's a killing ring in here. God, imagine that, first words over phone. In a blue disc. Well, I mean,

at least I saved a voicemail at this point, then I'd always have them. We're just so happy the taxi starts driving, we're about halfway at the airport, I just text Marlene

and be like, whatever that service is, fucking that forever, that's it, that's how you've spoiled me now. And then I'm just text Marlene whatever that service is fucking that forever that's it like that's how you've spoiled me now and then I'm

like also we weren't meant to like wait for you are we oh no no of course

you were of course you were the three of you no no but it was

just they did it so efficiently they did it so efficiently they did it so smoothly they just got us in you got whisked away from the rest of your group yeah

I was just like this is so this is I'm like surely the platinum surface includes not travelling with Marlena so she

it's just like no you fucking idiot of course it's we like no you fucking idiot of course it's we all need to be there thankfully thankfully man

we were just at like so did they because if she's also got the service too that means you have to go back for her because that's on him right no no

so she didn't have it because she knew that she was getting hurt she's also she doesn't have the Brexit queue yeah she doesn't have the Brexit queue she's got Austrian passport and she's got the service

of you know she's always going to be the last off the plane anyway with the wheelchair and they get her through. So she just didn't need it. It would have been an unnecessary expenditure for her. Sorry.

I mean, here's me saying I should be a fucking, have a more professional podcast and my phone's on loud. So we were just like, no, we hadn't left the airport fully. I was like, oh man, we need to go airport fully. I was like, oh, man, we need to go back. And I'm thinking about Gareth. I was like, oh, she did say to me, I'll meet you in the taxi.

And I was like, yeah, that would have been good information. I was like, I at least wasn't sat beside her for the fucking flight. I said, Gareth just fucking done one. The power had gone to her head. Yeah, you get drunk and that sort of shit. So we get to the fucking venue. It's beautiful. It's set up.

It's sold out. And then me and Gareth just go down to the Louvre for a couple of wines. And I'm like, I feel so bad because me and Guy have never done this. I always kind of me out. Because I'm always knackered I just take Instagram with us come with me guys, I'll make some quips about René some time

that's because I'm always so exhausted by that point into it and also you didn't know how right I was yesterday Kai I needed to go out and drink wine and celebrate, just being here even though she didn't give me the fucking satisfaction of being like I'm a big dumb idiot

and I got caught up it was still enough to have it and then the fucking gig was class and it like only ran like

two minutes late which is always impressive like whenever it just starts anything close to five minutes on time I'm like class brilliant same service

on the way back like picked up straight through security both ways back home by 11 o'clock sun in my arms yeah 18 year old fully grown son he picked me up from the airport

he's got a mortgage so thank you to the people of Paris what a turnaround your city has had in my head, because I used to fucking hate Paris. Or did the election go the right way? I don't... Because there was a far-right party gathering,

was it Marine Le Pen? Aye. Was gathering a little bit of traction. Aye. And all the fucking divided left were splitting the votes between them instead of fucking getting together. You know how they do.

I know very little about French politics, but that's what I gathered from it. I know heaps about French politics from 1976 to 1810. I know French politics, but in song form. Les Mis joke.

You knew that. I did. Carried on from last week. Just trying not to make the podcast one big in joke but it is what it is it is is that part of the problem there's too many in jokes at this point

maybe that's how we should rebrand you know we do like a rebrand every time there's a new bit and we bump up maybe next season no in jokes

completely or I mean that could be worse we could just fucking isolate the OGs and then have no one so while you were doing that

apologies to the people in front not apologies because you've got Gareth Bourne he's fucking amazing but I'm sorry for me that I wasn't

there also because I was at my brother's wedding he's fucking mint I love a wedding me in the class

you've got heaps coming up still I know I'm like because I've just done Altitude and really I mean you heard us

on the Monday podcast last week I really had to fucking pull myself together throughout the week to have a wedding in us

but we've done a two day because on the night before the wedding we went to the match and Newcastle won 1-0

and pretty much guaranteed us safety so obviously we didn't go the wedding we went to the match and Newcastle won 1-0 and pretty much guaranteed us safety so obviously we didn't go straight home we went to Mark Nelson's hotel room Aye because it was like shall we go to the strip bars and Khan was just like right

we can't really hang one on because we've got the wedding tomorrow Khan's the best man Aye we can't really hang one on so let's just go and see Mark and have a pint with Mark I was like

we're already getting home way early less dancers as well it just got real bleak aye now I'm going to have glitter on my cock as well so aye

we had a belter night there and then I was warning them because Matty was out and Karen was out and Gav was out and I was warning them you don't need to warn anyone when Matty's out I was warning them because Matty was out and Karen was out and Gav was out and I was warning them I was like you don't need to warn anyone when Matty's out

I was warning them my suit was dangerous oh god it's like you're in trouble tomorrow when you see my suit aye right so I've dressed up now and I'm with my mum and dad

fucking I'm looking into it and I walk into the pub and I'm like I'm going to see my suit aye bro's had the same one on I bet it fit him better as well

and what was funny is the difference in my reactions because I was like hey we've got the same suit on and he was like oh for fuck's sake because for me

it was like because Broz is like he's just really good at fucking roasting everybody and I Broz is like he's just really good at fucking roasting everybody and I'm a comic but he's just like fucking that's his one gear

it's just rip the fuck of everybody whatever you're wearing whatever your haircut whatever that right he's just at you and it's funny

it's good entertainment and I was just like I'm off the hook you can't attack the pisser in my suit you can get at every motherfucker

in yeah I'm on base if he had any honour he would

take it as an insult himself and then you know take himself down in

flames the only difference between my suit and his is he got his from

Jack and Mo he's good because we're made up because

he's ripped everybody for being fat when we played for the

football club he's always in good shape he's just had his being fat when we played for the football club. He's always in good shape, Rosie. He's just had his salad belt at lockdown, hasn't he? Aye. Many of us did. He's just a bit rounder. He's going,

we're going on holiday together in June for Mattie's 40th. He's just there going, I can't get on this holiday. I've laid too many people out for the size I am. Aye. I'm going to be getting in the pool with my t-shirt on you guys have already done too much I don't want to eat any humble pie

you know how much I love fucking pie I've done too much damage he's essentially body shamed in the same way I dog shamed he's there now the wedding was class they both say yes they both did and he's there now but aye the win was class they both say yes

they both did and everybody held that piece whatever it's called forever hold your peace I always find that that moment you know when they're like

speak now or forever hold your peace and then everyone just has a little glance around a few people have jokes brewing that they've never let go of or there's little like tatters between people who do the joke just between them.

It's like cough something under their breath. Thailand. Everybody hears it. What happened in Thailand? Nothing, nothing. You've heard that Malcolm Hardy story have you no

Malcolm Hardy comedian who died years ago by falling off a boat into a river because he couldn't swim he was great died doing what he loved

being fucked on a boat learning how to swim he was I mean there's just so many stories about music you know such a

he was very very funny and he was also fucking mental in his own way apparently when he got married before he got married his wife knew

how much like obviously she's married in a comic and she knows he makes jokes and that's just a comic Malcolm Hardy his reputation precedes him

aye I never met Malcolm Hardy and I feel like I know him because everybody has a Malcolm Hardy story yeah aye Marlena's got many stories about him and so many people I know who met him just have I feel like I know him because everybody has a Malcolm Hardy story. Yeah, Marlene has got many stories about him and so many people I know who met him just have really, really funny ones

and ones that you cannot repeat and I will not repeat on air. And ones that would absolutely have him cancelled in today's society. He was born in the correct generation by the sound of it. For example, one of the stories that goes around about him is he stole Freddie Mercury's birthday cake and then took it to an old folks''s birthday cake and then took it to an old folks home to feed them on it

like that's one of the Malcolm Hardy stories still had a stripper in it so she obviously knows there's going to be a bunch of comedies at the wedding but she's very religious

and her family's very religious and they're getting married in a church and she's like do she's like make jokes before and after don't make a joke

during the fucking ceremony don't make a joke in the church don't do anything like just have some respect for my family's like, make jokes before and after, don't make a joke during the fucking ceremony, don't make a joke in the church, don't do anything like that, just have some respect, for my family's like, religion, and do not make a joke,

or anything in the church, yeah, yeah, obviously, yeah, and she's like, Malcolm, I swear to fucking God,

do not, he's like, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna, you know, she doesn't let it go, ceremony's going fine fine it's doing well he says all the right things

he doesn't put on a silly voice he doesn't wink at any of his friends he doesn't do anything crazy he keeps his whoopee cushion deflated his tie doesn't spin around the flowers don't squirt water he keeps the snakes in his book

all the rakes down the aisle are turned the correct way around he's not he's not asking the priest if he wants

a knuckle sandwich nobody has to smell the cheese everyone wants a hearts donut he never says to anyone back and say what

he never once mentions up dog at no point at no point did he go, bogeys. That's behaviour. His tuxedo bill remains unfilled. Does he want straight up to his chin like a squirrel.

I can't stress enough. Best behaviour. Yeah. He never won scores. I don't know why that's so much I don't know but he never once goes Baldi oh god

whatever he did to us don't give us the story's done anyway he's itching to do all those things alright his wife's given him the side eye anyway he's itching to do all those things alright his wife's given him

the soda and he's got he's got something up his sleeve loads of hankies loads of hankies tied together all of a sudden

it's issue when she's crying during the speech and it starts unrolling from his trousers all the way up comes all the way off and he's wearing bonnet spanky underneath and then yells my wife

well ahead of his time 30 years Ali J hasn't even been conceived literally oh god 30 years it's not even out yet Ali J hasn't even been conceived literally oh god so there he's on his best behaviour

he's not doing anything he doesn't put any bubble bath in the holy water that's still body of water he doesn't take the priest's nose but he does find 50 pence pains He doesn't take the priest's nose.

But he does fade 50 pence behind his back. Puts it in the donation bowl. Long Sadie's nose. Fake. Oh, God. Oh god So they get down You know that bit Where they They feed you the fucking

The wafer Oh yeah I always take me A little bit of butter For that Get it from hotel breakfast Get the wafer And change it

It's just a bit dry Butter on the body of Christ just make me a dead sexy it's just like you're laughing have we got the name for the podcast we're calling it best behaviour best behaviour he gets down

on his knees she gets down on his knees she gets down on her knees and the entire congregation starts laughing their fucking ass off

and she turns around and she's like what are you doing and he's like I don't know and he's not

done anything he's just gotten down on his knees but everyone starts tearing and laughing and she's like

whatever turns out on the bottom of his shoes he'd written help me And he's just styling it out Yeah yeah yeah She's got no idea

She didn't find out until afterwards And she didn't I don't think she did divorce him And then He shook her dad's hand And he got an electric shocker oh god so Gavin and Ali

weren't going to get married because you know how some people just like don't believe in marriage even though it definitely exists they're just like I don't need a bit of document

and it makes sense I understand it a little bit I don't need a document but man and it makes sense I understand it a little bit I don't need a document but man the second you bring a kid into the world they just get I remember

before Martin Lawrence other Lawrence the one who's the opposite of black the racist oh Fox Andrew Lawrence

oh right is it Andrew Lawrence yeah ginger guy before he was like a far right psychopath he had a bit about

like not celebrating his phone contract I think it's a contract like when I sign up for fucking the orange I didn't I didn't get

to have my mates to run I've got a contract go and celebrate it with us so I kind of get that like that formalising your love for each other thing kind of takes the whole romance out of kind of get that like that formalising

your love for each other thing kind of takes the whole romance out of it I get that angle but it's but weddings are class but weddings are class

and it's like you're one big get together like you've got a you've got a card that you can play where you can go I'm going to get all

my mates all your mates get them all together have a piss up and the val got to turn up aye aye and just get absolutely fucking mad.

And pay that card. And when you're there, like, it's palpable how much love you feel coming in your direction on that date. Self-indulgent, right? You're inviting everybody

to come round and fucking celebrate how much they love you. The only time that'll happen again is your funeral. Aye. You may as well have one when you're alive.

Yeah. Right? So if you can't date, that's my opinion. But they were very much out of that but then like you say the kid coming to the world and also

second name's an issue we're travelling through the airport with a different second name her ma passed away and she hasn't got a very big family so Gav was looking at it like

let's fold you into our family now so there's just like a number of reasons where they just like went let's date and like rush a blood to the head Gav was looking at it like let's fold you into our family now so there's just like a number of reasons where they just like went let's do it and like rush of blood to the head Gav proposed booked a venue at very short notice

and had this shotgun wedding but it was so funny watching how much she was out of her comfort zone but embracing it but she was just like this isn't me this oh really she's got her wedding dress on

everyone's looking at her and she's like I just like to be at the back of the room I like to be at the other side of this she's got her wedding dress on everyone's looking at her and she's like I just like to be at the back of the room I like to be at the other side of this she's an introvert they're getting photos

and all that and like obviously she wants photos of her big day but the minute they're choreographing the photographs and getting everyone together

like can we get the family on this side and your family and she's just saying and Gav's like look at Ali man a bit of her soul dies every time that camera

shut that click but it was very much like you could tell she thoroughly enjoyed it and she's just saying and Gav's like look at Ali man a bit of her soul dies every time that camera shutter clicks but it was very much you could tell she thoroughly enjoyed it despite being massively out of her comfort zone and it was

like I could see that she was going through like I mentioned before the same thing as me finding out that I really love my little dog where she goes

oh I've made a stance about this and I actually quite like it it's actually nice at the end I've got a stance about this and they're actually quite like it's actually nice at the end I've got to back down and then one of my

one of my mates provided the entertainment for the full event by rating every man out of ten brutally like he gave everybody

a breakdown of their appearance who did this? Ads he made ads I don't think he can fucking start that game. He's exactly who can start that game.

You can't have that coming from someone hot. Aye, that's fair. You know what I mean? You can't have Natalie's brother coming into a wedding and start breaking. Oh, God, yeah. You just cry. You need that to be a fucking super average looking guy. Aye.

You know? So he'd done that but it started it started getting really political amongst the lasses who were like felt the need to defend their

boyfriend husband's honour so I got given a I got given a 5.5 right I'm not bothered about that at all

that's above average isn't it I'm like I'm not wanting to fucking rely on me looks aye like anything that I get looks wise

it's just a bonus no and also in theory 5.5 is above average aye like it has to be

right otherwise the rating scale is wrong but obviously like fucking you're not you're not gonna

you're not gonna be rocking like anything higher than 8 at my age aye like it's a young man's game appearance for one so i so like i did i ever tell you about an um brucey stag do another one of my friends i just use people's names like you know them listen to the podcast but one of my friends got married in 2018 and he's the lad i've mentioned him before he's uh his brother's got down syndrome so and he's there and he's the lad I've mentioned him before his brother's got Down Syndrome so Andy's there

Andy's best man and this lass is going out giving people like a number out of ten and she's only got ten numbers

and she's dishing them out it's one of her hen party games is to dish them out and true to form I get me five I'm like alright

she rounded it down she's got to give the six to someone so I take me five and I'm like, all right, she rounded it down. She's got to give the six to someone, right? So I take me five and I'm like, all right, that's whatever. I'm not here to pull. He gives the right guy the five. And then she gave Andy a three. Oh, that feels...

I'm like, you're actually playing the game here. You're actually playing the game here aye you're actually playing the game here ye had to get out of jail card here you could give Andy the 10 aye it saves you having to

flirt with somebody in a barn I'll be fairer aye right it's like just give the lad with a disability

a 10 unless she didn't know he was disabled and just thought he looked like that you're not Andy aye

right he I've said this before he's got an just thought he looked like that. You're not Andy. Aye, I don't... Right. He... I've said this before, he's got an aisle upstairs, you can have solid conversations with Andy, speech gets in the way a bit, but if you can understand what he's saying,

he's holding a fucking conversation. No, I can see what you mean. You're not exactly what I'm talking about, he's a joddy. But from the outside looking in, if you close your eyes and picture someone with Down syndrome, then don't change it any. That's Andy.

Right. She couldn't have not known. She gave him a three, which I thought was brutal. Until you saw who she gave the ones and twos to. She gave Scotty D the two. And it was almost like she fucking, I'm playing this so fucking seriously, by the way. Aye.

Give Andy the three. Give another one of your mates the two. I was like, that's purified. It's absolutely purified how ugly she thinks you are. Aye, because she's acknowledged. Like, if you got the 10 and then she gave you the

two then it's you know so um let's give us a 5.5 so he's marking it

out of 100 I got a 55 he's bringing decimal points into it and he wasn't just taking .5s either

he was doing it right across the scale and then he does he does Demas and he breaks down Demas

and gives him a 5.5 in front of Natalie and Natalie just instinctively kicked off about it and Demas is like and then Rachel

Demas' wife's like I think he's a good looking man I'm married to him. And Natalie just, like, went in full throttle. Guy's hot on him, I'm telling you now. And that was just happening at all our other tables with people's wives and lasses. Like, it was just all our wives and girlfriends

just lobbying for it to be hotter, where none of us give a fuck about our appearance at all. And then later in the evening Gav decided because he wasn't going to do a speech he was just like

I don't know I haven't really thought about it I might just gather everybody in and he gets everybody in and he does a speech

and then I don't think you mentioned these last ones it was just like a Facebook status about the plot it was like about the everybody he didn't read it it's happening it's bar chart and he got his bar which for anybody that doesn't know this if you haven't watched my punch drunk show

which is actually available on patreon if you scroll all the way to the bottom because i put it as a welcome gift for when we first started the period. Me and Gav used to share a computer when we lived together and he left his happiness bar chart open. What's a happiness bar chart, you ask? It's a bar chart about his happiness. It's a scale that... Have you ever met somebody

that people with dream journals give wedgies to? Oh, God. I love Gab. I think he's a gorgeous looking man with an Adonis body. But fucking what an airy, fairy, bordery loving man sometimes. The thing about the happiness bar chart as well is, like, it wasn't just for himself, it was Pata. Was it?

He made it as Pata. He made it so that he could send it to the girl that was making him happy. Oh, God. Okay, well, I mean, does that make it worse? I'm a bit of left field, I'm different to the other guys. Yeah, that's not the different I meant I meant like don't cheat on me and stuff Not be weird with your emotions You fucking autistic twat

Fucking measuring your happiness in numbers Speaking of autistic As soon as I saw it I was like That's not a bar chart that's a line graph that so he just did like

this big long Facebook status about how like everybody's polarised with their opinions and stuff and there's people in this room

that might disagree with each other politically and all that but wow come together and it turns out that wow

get along face to face on social media and he's like has he kind of mentioned his wife and then anyway they had that

first dance and I think they had like Green Day on or something it was definitely like a Gavin Alley song

I think it was Skater Boy by Avril Lavigne or something he was like it was like an album track from some like

fucking new metal from the thousands I don't know what it was I don't know what it was but he was like sing along like an album track from some like fucking new metal from the thousands I don't even know what it was I don't know what it was but he was like

sing along if you know the words and they want you to know the words I can't even dance to this and then afterwards

after the dance he got kind of to make a speech and kind of just said a few thank yous and that and then the cunt went ladies and gentlemen give it up for Kai Humphries he just fucking chucked me in the mix Dance. He got Can in to make a speech and Can just said a few thank yous and that. And then the cunt went,

ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Kai Humphries. He just fucking chucked me in the mix. I wasn't best man. I didn't have no prepared. I didn't have no ready. I just took a massive line. So I had something to say.

I said stuff. I said stuff, but what a waste of a resource. I could have had something beautiful prepared. Aye, aye. Instead of your a waste of a resource. I could have had something beautiful prepared. Aye, aye. Instead of your business plans for a restaurant and a fine dining. But I managed to say some bits.

I say some bits. I got a... How'd that be? I got me big laugh. Of what? This was where the big laugh I got come from. It was, you know how I mentioned about, like, thank you for putting the wedding on

because everybody gets that one card that you get to play. May you invite all your nearest... Unless it's Can when he just gets married every other fucking week. Why not? And Amy come up to us after that and she was like, you better not mention his previous marriage in the speech at my wedding. This isn't, like, future wife. Oh, well, I mean mean there's a big red button i and i but he now that i've already been spoken about your speech as well i i'm not allowed i'm not allowed to mention

i'm not allowed to mention yeah i am your ex-girlfriend or her sister same person same person so I've got I'm gonna have to allude to it aye wink wink nudge nudge I'm gonna have to

just be like look I've been told not to point out the elephant in the room but Barry's here stuff like that just keep making you think

I'm going to tag about it And then not Jordan's wedding My friend In Australia Ali was best man And gave A really good speech

And I was Wine drunk And Protest stoned. Like, I think at one point, one of the wedding parties was like, oh, you know, I just put weed at the wedding.

You're like, you know this is a wedding. I'm like, well, that's all I'm doing all day. I only wanted to smoke one joint tonight at 9pm, but now that you've told me I can't. Imagine going to somebody who enjoys drinking. By the way, you're not allowed to drink at this wedding. Aye, aye. So I'm...

You're like, Natalie, did we have to get married? No, man. I'm like, this is great. Ali's got the speech covered. It's great. It's beautiful. It's nice. I can just get fucking drunk.

And then everyone gets drunk, and then somebody made an impromptu speech. Or like his wife's uh friend's mum because her mother passed away when she was younger and so like this other woman who was like a mother to her did a speech and it was nice and everyone cried and then her other friend who's like a sister to her said something as well and it was impromptu and cried and i was like oh this is nice and then Jordan's dad was like oh Daniel you say something I'm like no oh man

I can't remember what I said like literally just you know when you're just too drunk like I wouldn't oh sorry

like I was about to say I wouldn't have gone on stage that drunk but you've you've seen what I've gone on stage

like you think like it's such a weird thing that everyone's got this expectation like yo come here you can get up and say something like even if your guest did a wedding and you're the plus one like I've had that before where they're like oh you get up

and do your turn and you're like I'm not going to do your set it's not my place to get up at this wedding it is like also you can't afford me but in hindsight I should have probably just anyway had something prepared for gavs It is like There's a certain expectation And also you can't afford me But On In hindsight I should have probably Just anyway

Had something prepared for Gavs You know He's my brother I should have Maybe he's had something In my back pocket already But I mean I still got up

And said some words The thing is as well They just had the regular DJ on They didn't use the punch drum PA So the mic Like even In and out of Gavs The mic was just fucking

In and out And When I got it I went to speak And it just In and out of gavs the mic was just fucking in and out and then when I got it I went to speak and it just in and out it on us straight away

and I just I just tossed it to one side and fucking just like just instantly just use a bit of stagecraft

and fucking get that situation dealt with right so I'd done that and then the fucking bloke afterwards had a word with this guy

you've broke me mic thrown it on the floor and I just went straight out the top I was like fuck you and everything because he gave a broken mic to me fucking bloke afterwards, how to word, was this guy, you broke me mic, thrown it on the floor, and I just went straight out the top, I was like, fuck you and everything, because he gave a broken mic to me bro,

for his wedding speech, it's his fucking wedding, he doesn't get another one unless he's kind, I was like, it's his fucking big day, do your fucking sound check, check your equipment,

didn't give him a broken mic, and then fucking act like I broke it, you fucked it, you fucked it, you were just broken mic and then fucking act like I broke it you fucked it you fucked it you were just waiting for that to happen oh you broke it

and I'm like as well I grabbed his mic I was like what about were you like a tenner you seen this piece of shit like fuck we work in the industry where you

like it was oh but I couldn't tell you what I mean mate you cut off it was like that marker pen it was like that marker pen I picked it up my fucking hand went up

because I was waiting for some resistance I was like it marker pen it was like that marker pen I picked it up my fucking hand went up because I was waiting for some resistance I was like it can't physically have batteries in I was fucking annoyed with him

after that because he was trying to put it on me for breaking it I was like no because I get

that anybody that doesn't make drop it's the rudest shit it's the rudest shit

someone's gear rude shit but for me I was like what other electricals would you just fucking drop equipment it's the rudest shit taking a mic drop like fucking I would get a big laugh drop the mic that's someone's gear aye rude shit but for me I was like what other electricals would you just fucking drop I only dropped it on the floor because there wasn't a bin

next to this aye it was broken aye don't mic drop like you wouldn't drop your own phone aye yeah

I've just sent a really fire text oh whoops don't do it with somebody else's mic before we go I do need to tell you That I

Did something That Two months ago Would have been a crime But now It's fine It's fine Aye

It's changing My son's Nappy And Sometimes Look he loves having his cock out I can't There's a bit When you take off his nappy and you wipe his bum

and he's just there with his belly and his cock and his arse out and he's the happiest he's ever been. Why wouldn't it be? It's the freedom, the complete freedom of not having a fucking balloon strapped to your crotch, you know? And he's looking at me, he's like, thanks for this gift. This is always the best part of my day. There I am.

Now, obviously, he's going to change back. And occasionally, with the wind rustling through his arse and tickling his balls, he might shit or piss, which is fine. The mat's wipeable. But, you know, the first couple of times he did it, he was just doing, like, small pisses and small shits. And we used to have the, well, we still have the PPTPs, which is the little cloth things that you put over the cock

when they start pissing and those are great can't recommend them enough if you have a baby boy only work on boys only work on boys you can't yeah

my friend Ali I saw when he was changing his daughter she pissed and he literally just had to put his hand he was like just

he was like man there's a garden sprinkler yeah it's gonna go fucking everywhere unless I put this right here didn't have

PPTP, hadn't set up my station properly. When, when, while he was there, he started pissing and it's always going down, but it's landing or normally lands like on the mat and then trickles up and you've got to kind of get him out of the way. So it doesn't go on his back and doesn't get on his,

like in his, any of his clothes so he's not fucking sticking to piss and you've got to change him and give him a bath. But, I can't stop the fucking flow

because I don't have the PBTV. So, instinctively, what do you do when there's a wayward cock pissing? Put your hand there, just what I'll do. Point it and aim it.

You aimed his cock. Aye, I just had to, and I was like, where to? In his face? You learn, you learn one way or another. Do you just nip it and aimed it he aimed his cock aye I just had to and I was like where to in his face you learn you learn one way or another

you just nip it and let it balloon up and pitch the end the way he stops yourself pissing on long road trips as a kid no before I do what I used to

I've never done that has I nip your cock and then just piss a little bit of your foreskin I've done that in the grind

as a kid maybe once or twice as an adult what else are you going to do in the bathroom but nah so yeah

you just aimed it had to just grab put your finger over the top like on the tap spray it shake it like a champagne bottle

like you'd win the formula one I just had to I just had to grab his cock and they pointed downwards which was actually by the way I'm had to I just had to like grab his cock and they pointed downwards which was actually by the way

I'm going to tell you straight up way more efficient because then I got to aim it farther away so at that point I could just you know it was

it was way further away from trickling down his back and I'm like this might be a little fucking life hack and then Cara walked into the room and he stopped pissing

are you getting your alibi down on the podcast did you wank off your baby well no thankfully the piss was there it was your drool I love that you pre-cursed that story as oh this would have been a crime two months ago like you reached the age of consent no no but just I love that you pre-cursed that story. I was, oh, this would have been a crime two months ago. Like,

you reached the age of consent. No, no, but just, it was just, if I was to grab a baby's cock, yeah, if I was to,

if I was to grab a baby's cock. Before your baby was born. Aye, aye. You're allowed to grab your own baby's cock, I've checked. Aye. Aye,

you must be. I grabbed my grandad's cock, I tell you that. That was one of my shows. He was about to piss his pants and I just got his cock and both were like pissing the pants would have been better

a lot more respect for both of us had that been the case and I was only like it was just a figure of speech going I'm going to piss my pants we're just whacking at the shop we're whacking at the dog you made me

laugh Jesus Christ you made me laugh next thing I know you've got my cock out

the side of the road can't you man I pissed me pants get me grandad's

cock out write your own jokes he'd had a stroke and he couldn't get his cock out when he was trying to piss

and if his and if his car board beat that we're going to have to wrap up because that phone call I missed was I am getting

a life insurance that's going to be expensive given your lifestyle uh huh and and how much I'm worth to carrot if I'm dead aye which is I'm and and and how much I'm worth to Kara if I'm dead

aye em which is I'm worth a tidy sum like I'm I'm worth a murderable amount for her aye

well not for her like she doesn't give a shit about money but like but if you died she'd be way better off than yeah

than if you're just like floating in and out wanking off your baby back in the podcast aye aye she's just like can I just have the money

go and just choke on something so I've got to go get a health check and I don't think they give you a prostate exam but I am going to request one aye that's the platinum service

going in for your health check with just a t-shirt on as happy as my son is When he's like that I've got my cock out It's my favourite time of day Just a red t-shirt And a jar of honey

I start pissing She aims my cock And I'm like This is perfect Thanks everyone Who came to the Paris show You were great Everyone else

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