Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Bidgets with Attitude (Ft. Imaan Hadchiti)

Episode Date: April 23, 2025

Muggins is joined by the littlest fella with the biggest aura, Imaan Hadchiti, as they reminisce about Kai's instant karma the first time they gigged together back in 2013 and the only original short joke. Imaan has his car stolen by teenagers who crashed after struggling to work the extended pedals.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin, livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be dubbed!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Ah, Muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss kiss kiss. Or majestute cynical. Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglipedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Right, I'm just going to... Oh! That's how I'm going to start. I'm going to drop my phone out of the pocket. I am here with Iman. You've just pronounced me. How to pronounce the second name. You've just pronounced me.

You've just told me how to pronounce the second name. Yes. Hatshitty. Hatshitty, you got it. Yeah, because you said it's the past tense of diarrhea. Yes. Iman had shiddy. And if you listen to this podcast, you won't know this, but if you're watching it you will, Iman is Lebanese. That's the tape of my joke. Is that your joke? It was the first joke I ever wrote. Was it? It was like, you know, you're all staring at me going fuck another Arab

comedian. Like, you know, just to all staring at me going fuck another Arab comedian Like you know just to just to like everybody else is looking at you Hey, I had no idea but it's good to know that we've got some parallel thinking Yeah, yeah my current level is the level you started at yes I mean I still use the fucking joke. Did you start when you were 15? Yeah. Oh fuck. Yeah. So you were an actual child when you started? Yeah I was. I was just hitting puberty. You know everyone just thinks you were a child. Exactly. Yeah. So you know I've stayed in this sort of suspended reality of being a teenager for the rest of my life. Yeah it's great. If you don't have short man syndrome, you're so happy. Yeah. You're not angry? No, because I grew up with my sister who's also short.

Oh, you're taller than her? Yeah, I became taller than her, yeah. Yeah, so I was the shortest person in the world. What age were you when you got taller than your sister? Oh, yeah, about when I started doing comedy, 15. So you just grew up and you're like right. Exactly, yeah. So what height are you and what height is she?

She's 100 centimetres, like on the dot. Yeah. And I'm like 104, 105 centimetres. I still think in feet with that, I'm still. Oh, so three, four. Three, four, cool. And she's what, three, three. So you're towering over her. Yeah, yeah.

Well hey, it's at least, you know, 8%. It was funny when I bumped into you at a gig yesterday, because it's so fucking cool, man. Like me and a man can go years without seeing each other, and just one day I'll be at a festival and you'll come up and kick me. And then I'll turn around and not sing anyone. I'm down here dickhead. I loved how you greeted me this year because you'd done the finger-pinch zoom in to make me come closer. Because that was a call back to a festival in 2014.

Yeah, I think so. Adelaide. Not here. Was it here? Yeah. Was it in Sydney? Where me and Daniel were just like being hack with you and you were just like, come on boys. Yeah.

But you think I haven't heard all of the jokes. Exactly. I challenge you to come up with a joke I haven't heard all of the jokes. Exactly. And then you're like, right, I challenge you to come up with a joke I haven't heard of. And then after a few failed attempts over the course of the festival, I just went, I think I've got one, and I zoomed in on you. It's still hilarious to me. It was more of the fact, it wasn't you, it was because Sloss was trying very hard. Oh yeah.

That was his era of trying to be unlikable and he succeeded. Yeah, he nailed that didn't he? And I was like, come on, you know, you were his opener and it was just so good that you did better than him. Yeah, and we've done him, it's usually the case. He's just got that packageable style quality doesn't he? Yeah, exactly. It doesn't mean he's funnier.

Yeah, he looks, he's Macaulay Culkin without the trauma. Yeah, well there's a little bit of trauma there, it's just not the there, it's just not as bad as Macaulay's, is it? Yeah, exactly! He didn't get to make stars. No, no. So are you starting at 15? I don't know what age you are now. You're pretty aged, you're 35 a bit younger than me, because I feel like you've never aged since I've known you. Yeah, I've been 35 for 15 years. Yeah, you finally look your age. Yeah, exactly.

I shaved and I'm getting the greys and it's all... My knees are making noise. It's terrible. Yeah? Yeah, but you're older. But there's less weight on your knees, man. You shouldn't be... Yeah, but I'm doing double time.

Oh, that is true. Yeah, because I had a bit of a worry for you, you told us it was unfounded. The elevator was broken, and I'm on the top floor of the hotel, and I was like, man, that is gonna be like Everest for you. Yeah, nuts. But you're so tailored, you're so used to it. Yeah, exactly, yeah.

Like, because I was saying, because the steps being big would be like fucked up on your legs, but you're like, I've never dealt with a step that's tailored for me. Exactly, yeah, exactly. There's that sort of school of thought of like different kinds of disabilities where there's a disability where you can't do shit.

And then there's a kind of disability where the world prevents you from doing shit. Yeah, it's not catering for you. Yeah, exactly. So like, someone who can't wipe their own ass will never be able to wipe their own ass. Whereas like, this world is not built for me. So I'm not really... Yeah, cause your car's been custom customized hasn't it for you? Well yeah extended

pedals. Extended pedals? Yeah. And also you must have like a booster seat right? Yeah it's like one of those like it's like a sock on top of the seat. Great. It just sits on top. Yeah. But in November I had my car stolen. Oh no. That must have been so cramped. I just can't believe it. I wanted to be in the car. I just went what the fuck is going on here and also like it's quick. Even though I would never have considered you disabled they're gonna feel like it's a disabled person's car. Yeah yeah. Oh yeah totally. Then you get in that car and go it's disabled and the conscience still didn't get in the way.

Well no, because they were panicked because they stole my keys from my room. Okay. Like they broke into the living room and they stole the keys. And then I woke up and I chased them and then I was like, what am I doing chasing them? If I catch them, what am I going to do? And they're like three teenagers about your height. Yeah. And I just, I wish I'd seen them in the car because just that moment of like knees by the ears going,

how are we gonna, they crashed at 30 minutes later. Did they? Yeah, they could figure it out. Fuck, sick, when was this? Is this something you're dealing with at the minute or is that something? Yeah, it's November. What is it?

Like just, just gone. Holy shit, well I'm sorry about your car. Yeah, it's very annoying. So now I'm in the market for like a, I'm kind of renting this one. Yeah, did they get arrested? Did they catch them? They just caught them two weeks ago. Did you have to line up them? No, they got their DNA from my car.

Did they? Yeah. Clever now, innit? Yeah. I had to pick someone out of line up once for assaulting my brother. Like, glassed my brother, which in the UK, glass is a verb. Yes. Ha ha ha.

Glassed my brother, and I picked the wrong guy in the line up. I just picked the wrong dude. And since found out I've got aphantasia, I don't have a visual memory. I don't have a visual imagination. So how do you remember me? Ha ha ha. Man, you wouldn't believe how many times I've got it wrong when Gareth Wall has been on

this podcast and I've been like, hey, hey man. Gareth's five foot. I don't care. He's probably slightly more. Yeah, he's a near ball of fire. Yeah. Oh, his new fucking clip on socials is so funny. Yeah?

Have you seen it? No. Oh, can I just can I just show you? It's really fucking good man, cuz um, it was it's a true story From his um, it's a true story from his wedding. Matthew. It's on Gareth's Instagram so if you can just bring this video up that would be class It's so cuz it was it was, it was the, it was from his wedding and he actually plays the footage from the wedding at the end. Everyone's getting married in the UK, it seems.

Yeah, I think there was a lot of COVID proposals, so like there was a big flurry, but like now there's a, the people that kinda just didn't wanna be cliches and wait until after that to start to get married. It's the second wave. So I'll just turn the volume up here for you, and then if... What about you guys, you guys a couple?

Put that in next to mine, I guess. Definitely not. Jesus, it's getting worse. You're a homosexual. You could still be a couple, man. It's 2025, come on. What's a lavender couple yeah right I can't want to marry you now.

Sounds way better than my fucking shit situation actually. This is a brilliant bit of crap we're about to set to them. I've got married two weeks ago. That's 100% true. Fuck it, I'll tell you this, right. I had a bit of a full part of my wedding day, right. What we did, right, the stalwart in the person who married us is a comedian called Craig Hill, right? Very funny, Scottish comedian. Also the gayest man I know until 30 seconds ago.

I thought it would be really funny to get my gay person in the chapel. And he said, let's do this thing where you tell me the two things you love about each other and the one thing you think you can improve on and we'll do that during the ceremony. So we didn't know what each other was gonna say and I loved that there's tension in this room already there should be I fucked up big time right because he went up he was like yeah Laura loves the garris doesn't take life too seriously then she always makes her laugh and he's a great father to her two children are lois and the thing he could improve on is he keeps leaving his shoes around the house

and the dog is running around. And when he said that, I shit my pants. Because I have played the game very differently here, right? There he goes. The things that Gareth loves about Laura is that she's a fantastic mom. She's caring, patient, and kind, and she makes him want to be a better person.

The thing that I've said a lot of good work on is her racism. And keep watching, keep watching. You alright? That's gotta be a plan. That's gotta be a plan. That's gotta be a plan. Oh, I thoroughly recommend calling your wife a racist at the altar, let me tell you. That's brilliant. Isn't that funny? That was just the Emanuel just absolutely

lit. Comic time from a comic which is so funny for people watching this because Emanuel was the last guest on the website and he's probably the largest guest that we've ever had on. Have you met Emanuel? No I can't say I have. You will soon because I think he's just arrived in Sydney. Oh great. He's going to be around for the next couple of weeks but it's gonna be so funny seeing you both next week. He's like Terry Crews. Oh wow. He's like fucking henchman. Yeah and he's in his forties. I was training with him at the gym the other day and you know one of these guys that like you don't even just say he's in good shape for his age. Yeah. He's just in good shape fucking period. Yeah. Like He's massive, he's stacked.

And like, not fat, just like... No, a muscle. Tone. Like, not like, yeah, toned but also like, bulk. Damn. Yeah, and he's about six foot six or something. So it's gonna be, you two are gonna be very good. Yeah, well yeah, I've never been a... I didn't enjoy the gym, but anyone who does, well done. Do you, like, because you can't just come in and just use regular machines, right,

but you could come in and use the free weights if you wanted. Oh yeah, but no, I don't. Like you wouldn't go on the treadmill or something. No, no, fuck that. I haven't set it up yet, but I have a pull-up bar. Yeah. And I go swimming. And are you alright with pull-ups, what, you like with body weight? Yeah, exactly.

Yeah? Yeah so I can do, at my fittest I've done 14 pull ups. That's good. That's pretty good. Yeah yeah that's good. Because like I always think like you're at a good level if you can get 10 from like, from straight arms to pull up. If you can get 10 that's good.

Anything over 10 is like fucking bull shit. Yeah so that was during Covid I was pretty like driven to do it. Because you have lost a little bit of weight since I last saw you as well. Yeah. Because like it did seem smaller to us and then you were like what was it like four kilos or something? Five kilos? Two kilos. Two kilos sorry which was still 10% of your body weight. During Covid it was like fat and skinny fat and and skinny, like every three days. Mm-hmm. I just, you know, you take one big shit and there's 10%. It's quite easy to put weight on as well. Yeah. Like, just fucking, like, the world doesn't tell if your portion size is the other leg,

so. Oh, no, but I'm a, I can eat. You can tuck it away. Oh, yeah. I love my food. You've always been able to drink as well. Yeah. Yeah, I've always, like, smoked and drinking with everybody else as a figure, fucking.

Yeah. Lately, not so much smoking in public. Good. Yeah. Because I've got a bit too paranoid with how I was behaving. Yeah, really. Yeah, but drink is fine. We've got a...

Oh, you mean smoking weed? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. So like, you're just getting a little bit fucking... You know when you get to that point where you get stoned and you... You get paranoid about it. You're just not social anymore. Yeah, you go mute because you don't think your thoughts are... Worthy of sharing.

Worthy of sharing. You're like your second guest in a way that you probably wouldn't if you're on Coke. Yeah, exactly. And during Covid, because I smoke all the time, I was like, smoking is now reserved for watching South Park. Yeah, great. So once I smoke, I'm like, who are these boring cunts's just watch South Park. They still never miss South Park. Oh man. I always just want their opinion on everything. Yeah yeah. Have they released any new ones lately? No they did the... Wait a minute hasn't they? Yeah I think they're gonna they're set for later this year. Oh great oh they've got so much to work with. I love that shit man.

Yeah. They have that little person character that fights with, uh, Cartman is one of my favourite episodes. Is that the, hold on, is it? Oh yeah, yeah, sorry, I was thinking of the, um, the, the boot camp one, but that wasn't the little person, was it? No. That was Mimsy. Shut up, Mimsy!

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the little person. I don't, you know what, I don't even know if I've seen that. It's about diversity hires. Oh yeah, yeah, maybe. And then, and like he comes out, this little person trying to talk to the kids to make him feel comfortable.

And he comes out and he's got the weird, you know, that weird midget voice. And then Cartman just can't stop laughing. Yeah, yeah. And then the guy wants to fight Cartman. Yeah. Yeah. So good and bad.

You made me laugh so much on stage there, because we did that sponsors gig for Young Hairies, the brewery, and it was invite only. So I'm not actually sure who the audience was, but it was guests and clients. It was just a bunch of influence there. It was a wee bit corporatey, wasn't it? Yeah. Was it, because I left right after, was it worth sticking around? I found them so sensitive, it's the wrong word, just like they didn't understand comedy

and showed too much empathy for the words you said. Which maybe comes across as sensitive, right, but like I'd say a thing like about touching turtles and I was like, and the woman was like, it's not about hurting them, it's the fact you can catch Salmonella from turtles, which to me isn't even a a line it's just a little bit so i can jump off onto the next one and so many people gasped at the thought of me catching salmonella from a turtle and i was like what are you doing who reacts like that? Stand up like f***ing shut up. Yeah it was a Melbourne audience in Sydney. Ah and i was just so baffled by the type of thing that they would be gasp at because it wasn't even as if like

There was anything contentious being set on stage, but they were just like, oh my god, really? Like as if come on we're telling stories that are wrapped in jokes and jokes that are wrapped in stories Just fucking hair down laugh along. You don't need to be concerned about that. Come along to the right, right? And then you went on and started talking about how much you hate little people meaning, meaning disproportional dwarfs. Yeah yeah exactly. And you started talking like that because you're talking about them from a point of view where they're taller than you. Yeah exactly. And joining your struggle. And they did not know how to respond at all. The malfunctioned because it was coming from you. They were laughing. They were laughing but they were like can we laugh? Can we laugh? Exactly. Like I I get hate and stage but can we laugh? Yeah, that's my

favourite thing. You had them so in the palm of your hand. Oh, it was the best. Because what a, what a weird crowd fighter. Just go, this'll fuck you up. Yeah, exactly. Because you were actually fainted with a bit of venom. No, I genuinely hate them. I'm not making it up. It's not like Salmonella, I actually have a strong, they're such arrogant cunts, a lot of them. Really? Is that? No, like there's a, I haven't, I've met seven, not one of them that I like,

and I said- The seven, the seven. He didn't even like talk, he's a derim. Yeah, no, I really, they, it's a, it's the little people that are white that generally get mad at the word midget and they just holly at them now and all. Yeah, okay.

There's a few, you probably know who I'm talking about. She's married to a comedian in the UK. Oh. We can cut it out. Nice thing, I think, yeah. What's his name? Friends with Mickey D. Oh my god. Oh yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I thought I'd never met his missus. You got beef with him? Oh my god. Oh, yeah. Yeah Yeah, yeah You got beef with him? Oh my god. I read an article About how I think we're overreacting about the word midget. Uh-huh. Like calm down. Yeah, you know It's not like the n-word because there was an article saying it was like being I'm like, oh fuck off Yeah, and then um, oh, yeah, then you get like ginger people get involved

Yeah, it was the n- yeah and midget is midget um and it's a great um john mulaney beat he's like you know why there's not the same because i said n word but i said midget then it's n word yeah yeah also like you still didn't get whipped into slavery yeah exactly right the only thing we were given was it was a sweet freak show job undignified ridicule is different to making fuck a the actual impression right that's what that's what you're drawing the parallel yeah that's and the you know but so did peasants like we're on the same level as peasants which is the rest of the population anyway um she called me a bigot Anyway, she called me a bigot and I thought that was fucking hilarious. Bigot actually, I'm a bigot. I said bigot!

Bigot without you. It's so funny though. Yeah, so yeah, and little people just don't like me because of that. Because I use the word bigot. Because do they have a forum that you're not welcome on because it's disproportionate? There's a group on Facebook called Little People Only and they check when you join, you gotta write your height and then you gotta get bedded by another little person

to say that this is a little person and not someone pretending. I wonder who the tallest person in there is And it will never have imposter syndrome. Oh my god. There's some really I feel sorry for those like foot for nine You know who's for nine? Yeah, terrible life. Mm-hmm, cuz you're not tall enough to Go with the same proportions like I'm sorry with their proportions of a little person Yeah, so so they're technically little people because the cutoff is 410. And then, but like you just don't get the jobs, you just don't get the...

Yeah, so you're, oh fuck, you're getting the struggle without the perks. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And you're like, you're not tall enough to be short, you're not short enough to be tall, it's the worst thing. Have you got a list of pros as well? Like you're a very brave, tame, life-created guy, right? you got a list of pros as well like you're very brave type of guy right you got a list of pros about being small? What's good about it? What's good about it yeah? What I mean yeah I guess... What's opportunity like in the industry? I tell you what it's a good thing about being short is it's it's just as good as having a good set of tits you can get free drinks all the time. Oh yeah, people look after you.

Yeah, but the difference is you don't know what they want. Because when you're a good looking woman, you get some drinks they want, you know, you know what they're after. When someone buys me a drink, I don't know what the fuck they want. Yeah, you don't know what they want. They don't want sex, that's for sure. Do you want to fuck her? You want to be following my crew? Do you want to handcuff me to the stag? Yeah exactly. Is that what's happening here?

Yeah it's always something weird. But yeah, I mean as for opportunities though, it's, I get, I don't have to audition. Whenever there's a role for me, it's for me. It's for you. It's tailored for you, the company you're looking for. Exactly, but that's few and far between. Yeah. Because no one's really riding. I haven't really spoken much about your journey in stand-up, I mean I just discovered on this part that you started when you were 15 but where you in Australia when you started? Yeah, Melbourne. Melbourne Comedy Festival. Are you Australian, were you born in Australia? Yeah. So your parents moved over before you were born? Yeah, yeah they moved over. My dad in the 70s my mom in the 80s mm-hmm but yeah I started in I was born

I'd like started in Melbourne doing the do you know like raw? Yeah that competition like Luke Heggie won and I got on my trip to the fringe and he didn't enjoy it yeah and then Silver Oak done really well offered as well didn't they? Yeah they have a kids version so it's for under 18 year olds called Class Clown. Yeah and you've ended it every year for the last 20 years. I won it when I was 15 and I haven't stopped since. Yeah, our class. So you won that when you started? Yeah. Our class good.

And then it just kept going. What a start yeah. Yeah. And yeah like you come over to Edinburgh and I see you at these festivals over here and stuff but do you like do you come over and do the gigs in the UK? Because I've never been on line up with you. I mean, I did in... So I moved to London when I was 19, 20.

But I didn't really get on much of the lineups. I was just doing open mic, just building my hour. So I would just do that shitty room that Dave Mahalan used to run called the round table on Monday Yeah, it was like no mic small like Dirty cedar standing in the corner and you know how to do old material. Otherwise you get kicked off Oh really? Yeah, so I just did that for two years. They're just constantly just doing your material I just tell them stuff over. Yeah, that's good. They're a good way out for a new comic. I think like

that just telling stuff over. That's good, a good workout for a new comic, I think. Like, kinda early stages. Because if you get locked into that fucking, this is the Polish 20 that works and that pays, it's fucking hard to snap out of that, man. So. Yeah, exactly, that's what I'm at now. Yeah, I mean, it's, yeah, you can lock in pretty hard,

can't you? I can't write a new, I'm really struggling. Man, just, you're gonna just put on an extra new show with a different title and a different poster and then start writing because, I'm really struggling. Man, you're gonna just put on an extra new show with a different title and a different poster and then start writing because it's the gun to the head. I wouldn't write a fucking word unless I had a poster or a title and a ticket link. As soon as I've got that, fuck, I panic.

Like, as I'm getting on in years, career-wise, like 17 years, I panic less. And then I'm going like, I think I need the panic to write the show. Yeah. So like, because every year it works out. So every year I'm like, oh, well, you don't need the panic, I worked out last year. And you're like, yeah, because of the panic. Yeah, the panic helps. So the panic helps. So I've just done the same again. I've got a post that's been made.

I've got a show title. I've got a post that's been made. I've got a show title. I've got a ticket link. And I'm finding it hard to write while I'm touring this show, but I'm finished soon. It's hard to write while touring. Yeah. Unless you want loads of jokes

about fucking hotel rooms and airplanes. Yeah, exactly. And like- All that hack shit. Yeah. So I've just made sure that there's nothing in my diary past me that isn't new material nights and stuff where like every bit of stage time there's going to be new gear from the back end of May.

Yeah, it's also like you know you've got to have that sort of bit of failure to get better. Yeah, the worry of failure, especially like every crowd you get, you want to kill. Yeah exactly. You know you've got it. You know you've got it in your back pocket get you want to kill. Yeah, exactly. You know you've got it. Yeah. You know you've got it in your back pocket if you want to fucking, like they haven't seen you before, these, like 50 people in Dundee

that you've got to perform your material to. Yeah. You could just pull out old rope and entertain the paying customers or you could do the reason you fucking drove here. Yeah. Cause you wouldn't have took the gig otherwise. Yeah, it's hard, it's the balance, you know?

Cause you know, I have this thing where I'm representing all little people when I do comedy. And I hate to suck. Yeah. I don't want them to go, oh fuck it. Yeah, that's a pressure. I knew he was going to be shit. That's a pressure you don't need, isn't it?

No. Yeah, because, man, the funniest thing happened when we first gigged together, I don't know if you remember, but like, you were comparing. And it was fucking Chris Franklin's... Oh shit, the exit. And yeah, the mic stand. Oh, that's right. I got the mic stand.

Because it must be so hack, right? It must be so hack for you, for somebody to put the mic stand at the wrong height, and then you come on and get the laugh from that, right? So I did that, realized I was being hacky, and then I was like, take it further. Yeah. Right, so I've got ay and then I was like take it further. Yeah. Right, so I've got a stool and I put the mic stand on top of the stool.

With full extension. Full extension, right. And then walked away and as if you were capable of witchcraft, as I walked away I shook your hand, kept walking, the mic stand fell in the direct arc to land mic down on the top of my head. And it made that beautiful thud. Dunk! Oh, it was wonderful.

I used the compressor on the sound system. It went, dunk! And you hadn't touched it, you hadn't pushed it on us, you didn't choose which direction I was heading in. No. It was just like, you fucking cunt, as you shook my hands and then it landed on my head and like, joke was on me. It killed the room.

Yeah. Like, fucking, and then what is, occasionally killed the room. Yeah. Like fucking, it was occasionally a tough room. Yeah. Had everybody fucking holding their ones. Exactly, you couldn't even write then. Nah, the fucking, like man, we could have, if we had wrote that and practiced it a thousand times, we wouldn't have got the angle right. It was so good.

Because I don't even know what, like, I mean, it's like still on the cable or something or it just wasn't balanced correctly, but. I think because the stage is not very stable so when you took your step it shook it yeah oh yeah that's right that was it but you just fucking you didn't need to do any comparing you're just laughing you didn't even need to pick the mic back up you're just fucking doubled over laughing for the longest time and the more you were laughing the more that you were laughing. It was an instant karma. It was one it was really wonderful. I think that's what indeed me too. It was like it's a good way to make a friend. Oh yeah I know it's pretty

early doors that we'd only just met. Yeah man that I completely forgot about that. Yeah it's so funny isn't it? It makes you wonder It makes you wonder how many fucking little moments like that in your life that you've just, that you haven't assigned to your long term memory. Of course, yeah. That's sitting there waiting for someone to tell the story and dig it back out. Yeah, yeah, because I mean,

yeah, I've traveled heaps and I've seen a lot, but it's all gone. Yeah, Todd. The older you get, the more experiences you have. So you're getting older, so your mind's decaying a little bit. Like, this is fucking, that's not news. That happens to people,

your mind decays a little bit, but also there's more stuff to remember in there. Like, it's the fucking start becoming like an old laptop. That's like, the hard drive's full, and it's just running a little bit slower. Little bit of that rainbow wheel going. Yeah, the rainbow wheel. That's what I always say.

Because you got here just out of bed, right? Like you're a late riser. That's what I've always described myself is when I get up in the morning, I'm like, when the cursor turns into the rainbow wheel, like that's me in the mornings. But I'm still riding the jet lag. I've been here for like two and a bit weeks.

But I've been getting up early for the football. I've already been for a 10K run. Oh wow. And I've had a nice hearty breakfast. Oh dude, I've just had a coffee and threatened to have a shower, but didn't. Didn't. Yeah.

Like, I've got me 48, I'll have to do it or not. I'll be fine. That is, yeah. When the worst comes to worst, I only smell like roast potatoes, so it's fine. Yeah, that's all right. And I know I can smell potatoes, so it's fine. Yeah, that's alright. No one can smell you though, they're all the way up there, the noses aren't near you. And if they are, what are you doing?

Well, I can smell them, that's the worst. I can smell their feet. Oh, but I've, because I'm in Newtown right now, which I love Newtown, it's very much as anyone needs a reference in the UK, it's like Shoreditch. It's like me, it's gentrified, it's like it's dilapidated but not too far from an avocado and everything's a vegan option like there is like you just go over the road there's a bunch of us that like cooks for you so which is great like all the meat's there you can choose what you want and they'll make it for you. I love that place, Mr. Clears? Yeah. Yeah and then but like every other shop's vegan

and I'm like oh there's so many good vegan options here. Like it's like I'm not a vegan but also I'm omnivorous. I don't need meat right so it's like I've actually, I can be a tourist and I can come and see what your food's like and I've been like eating really nice vegan food. Yeah they could. Yeah just as a tourist. Well you're on the end of the street, you know that right? Yeah. So like Butter Bowl is just here. Yeah. It's attached to this building. Exactly. So Butter Bowl's there and then there's a like I didn't even realise, I just went to convenience store for some cereal before and they would realise there was a vegan place after I got in. I was like ah fuck and I'll have some soy milk and vegan granola or whatever. Yeah. Like I'm like I'm accidentally vegan just by proximity

and it's really nice and I'm feeling like my energy levels are good because I'm eating in a range of colours of food. My arse stinks. My arse is fucking honking. My farts are horrible. It's like real food is what's happening. Is that what's happening? Is my body just not used to processing that or is that how vegans smell all the time? No, no, that's what's supposed to... my dad's a... he doesn't eat cooked food. So he's a raw vegetarian. Is he? And he goes it'll stink until that's the stinkers just getting everything out and then it'll stop stinking later. Is that right? According to him, but he's a liar. Yeah, he just still stinks. What your dad is saying is you get used to the smell.

Yeah, exactly. Like, you know how you can't smell your own house? Maybe it's after a while when you can't smell your own house. That's just how it is. So just get used to it. But see, like, I don't mind. It's when they fake meat it. I don't like to fake meat.

Yeah, because it's like... It's just processed. It's like, hold on, if you think meat is murder, why are you doing simulated murder? Yeah. So you're fucking getting a child sexed off for a Peter failure. Yeah.

Fucking you... It's so, like my mum would always say, don't eat McDonald's because it's not real meat. And now they're going, hey guys, come to McDonald's. It's not real meat. It's like, hang on. However, I did try one of the Impossible Burgers and it was nice. Yeah. So I get what they're

doing. They're not catering for hardcore vegans. They're just telling people who are flirting with the idea of vegan but can't let go of burgers that you can still do it. So I think that's more of just a new way to get people to the other side rather than the KFR. Yeah exactly because I just you know if it tastes like meat but it's not meat what the fuck is it? What have you put in it? Yeah I've got no idea. Did you like did you have to put like dyes in it to get it that colour? Exactly. I've got like synthetic chemicals in my body. Maybe I'm wrong maybe they're actually just all natural ingredients. Well everything's natural eventually. Yeah so the all comes from the earth doesn't it? Even if you synthesize everything. Yeah we're natural. This is natural, that's a natural piece of

technology. It was made from the earth with a few different like methods of chemistry, which is all natural. We're part of the system too. Yeah, exactly. That's the great thing about humans is we like to separate ourselves from nature. But right there, yeah. Oh, I've got a feeling the audio on this may be fucked. That's perfect.

That doesn't look right, does it? So humans are part of nature, is that what I was saying? You see with, you've seen that thing with ant eaters, ant eaters never eat the full ant hill because they're leaving off ants for it to grow back so that it maintains the resource. Yeah, that makes sense. We don't do that.

No, we don't. We do. We are full on, we'll just fucking destroy the whole thing. The whole thing, I think, hopefully. Yeah, we'd get the whole fucking ant eater and just go, well, ants were good, well they existed. I think that's the difference between us and nature. Yeah, is that we want everything for ourselves.

Well, I think that's what we do. Like even our skills and our intelligence, we borrowed. You know, like using tools, other animals do that. Like we borrow everything. Yeah, it's fucking amazing. We borrow everything. Yeah. It's fucking amazing. And like I borrow my fur from a bear. Oh wow!

You know what? I knew you were that hairy. Yeah, it's ridiculous. Because I've been to the nudist gig. Oh yes! The naked cabaret. The naked cabaret. And you still need to see my penis.

I was like, is that big for him or is that big in general? I think my thumb was out. And you didn't see you still didn't see my penis I was like, is that big for him or is that big? Is that big in general? I think we thought was I would like trying to get a proportion on our leg. I was like proportionally massive Oh, yeah, just like my nose Would that look big on me I mean you look bigger than mine on me look big on me. I mean, you're bigger than me. Yeah. General. Man, those gigs are so much fun.

Yeah, they're great. But they have, they've kind of been taken over by jocks. Oh, really? Like just horny men have started going because they made see a Ted. There's just horny comedians have started running it. Oh, really? And it just got it lost its way a bit. But I think it's coming back. Cause I really loved it that,

the feeling of being nude goes away pretty quick. Yeah. The fact that everyone's nude. Yeah. It just does make it, it's like if you underline everything, you underline nothing. Yeah, exactly.

And everyone just becoming so relaxed and their body's really nice because like fucking everyone's just riddled with insecurities about how they look and then you look at each other and go, ah, fucking. Fucking kids. everyone just becoming so relaxed and their body's really nice because like fucking everyone's just riddled with insecurities about how they look and then you look at each other and go, nah, fucking, we've all got little bits that we could, you know, like, be insecure about. I like how they used to, I don't know how they do it now,

but how they used to do it was like, after 10 everyone has to be naked and then they start the count. So everyone starts racing to be naked rather than going after free, get naked. Yeah, no, it's- And then it's gonna be a bit apprehensive then, but the fact that you don't wanna be the only one

with clothes on after 10. Well, yeah, I went to one, so they play the song, The Final Countdown, and supposedly by the end of the song, you should be naked. And there was this sort of like Japanese backpacker who just wandered in, he had a big backpack, and he just wandered into this gig sat down and then everyone they played the final countdown everyone

started getting naked and he was just sitting there going what's going on and they're like it's a naked show you got to be naked if you want to be in the room anyway oh okay and then he just took his clothes off. That's a fucking fun traveling story right like that's it what a cool traveling story like imagine like it's just like, you'll never believe what happened to me yesterday. I just go for a stroll and I just saw, you know, a hundred thousand dicks.

Yeah, cause I remember, cause I was at the gig that, where was that? Brisbane? No. Adelaide. Adelaide, that was in Adelaide. Cause I was at that gig and then after that, I got asked if I would do the one at Edinburgh. And I was like, yeah, cool, I'll do it. I've never done that before and I had this like real

concern that like an unwanted erection would come. Oh yeah. There was just this real worry that like there's gonna be boobs. I'm a simple man. Yeah. I like boobs. It's um I think the fear I don't know. It was the opposite man. It's, I think the fear, I don't know. It was the opposite, man. It was the, I was like, come on. Come on. Come on, get a hard on at least. I would have been more dignified if I'd got a hard on

because I'd been on the Coke the night before as well. I had Coke dick, I was nervous. It was cold in the venue. Yeah, yeah, you developed ovaries. The holy trinity of having a shriveled up dick. Yeah. I was like, ah, fuck it, who cares? Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, because the guy with the ukulele has an even smaller one. That's true. Even if he doesn't, he's got a little electric energy. Because he's got a ukulele. The first one I did had a ukulele guy in it. It was hilarious. Yeah, nah, I've done a few of them. I do feel like I'm a bit of a nudist at heart though. Yeah, same. I've been to a nudist beach before

and I felt really comfortable at it. Yeah. On the day of my wedding, actually, me and my friend just went down the beach, just like, I didn't write a speech, but I just wanted to run through some ideas of what I was gonna say. was just saying I've got stuff floating around my head like I remember Cody saying like I'm not gonna write a

speech for me when I don't need to write down like why I love my wife exactly that's what it is not a gig yeah if you need to write it down maybe you don't really love it yeah this is the best day of my life written on paper written on a bit of paper you haven't even had the day yet. You wrote that the day before. I love you with all my heart. Yeah, right. So I was like, it's gonna have so much more sincerity if I just stand up and talk.

Yeah, exactly. But then when I started getting nearer the time, I was like, oh, there is stuff I wanna say and things I wanna do, right? So I just got one of my good pals, not my best men, because they had their own speeches to think about, just about a pal that didn't have an obligation

at the wedding. Actually he was, he was the celebrant, so he didn't have shit to do. But I was walking down with him, it was Ricketts, and we've just ended up on a nudist beach, and we were even taking a beat, we just took my shorts off, and just carried on talking,

and then I was like, and we were both just like, aye, this is a bit of me, this. Why we're wearing these things, aye, this is a bit of me this. Like why we're wearing these things? Who's this for? Like, in the sun. Like swimming, sauna. It all makes sense to do it naked.

Oh yeah, the sauna at Altitude's like, you must be naked. And it's one of the best spa facilities in the entire world and loads of people miss out on it just because they're a wee bit prudish about the bits. And I'll just fucking love it, and that's how I'm born. Yeah, and I lived in Berlin

and there was this sort of co-ed naked sauna just around the corner from my house. And it was like 10 bucks. And it's just, you're just getting sweaty, you just sit down, who gives a fuck? Nah, no one gives a fuck. No one cares. And again, it's like once everyone's naked,

everyone stops to get a fuck. Yeah, and there was no change room. It was literally one change room. There, no one gives a fuck. No one cares. And again, it's like once everyone's naked, everyone stops to kick. Yeah, and there was no change room. It was literally one change room. There was no boys and girls toilets. Oh really? It was just like, yeah. But that's the thing, like that's such a free setup. Like that's very liberal and free, right?

But all it takes is just like you said before, a couple of jocks to fucking ruin it. Fucking North Americans, man. They're all the same. You get a couple of jocks to fucking like to ruin it fucking North Americans, man They're all the same you guys get a lot of North Americans here Yes, yeah, you get a lot of Well, that's that's how that's on the state. That's what diversity is like in Australia. It's either North Americans or British people Just different kinds of white with different accents Or you have the immigrants that have been here for generations.

I love how much of an Asian influence is in Australia. Like the food's amazing. Yeah, that's one thing I miss in Europe. And there's such a Thai influence here. Yeah. And I've had like- Do you know why? Uh-huh, why there's a Thai influence, go on.

Because of the, because the creepy white men would marry Thai people then they bring them over then that can't be a big reason There's a big reason that because that is a lot of Thai Yeah, then they get divorced and they have a start a business Yeah, good hustle good for them good restaurant bring you bring your folks over. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's a, it's, it's, and now because it used to be Chinese, but now every small town has a Thai restaurant. Aye. So like, it's, it's amazing.

Yeah. I went, I went for a massage for a knot in my shoulder, right. And I told her like, look, it's been given us a bit of hassle. It's not like, it's not in pain, but it's like an ache, an dull ache. And fuck me She took her day out on my back like elbow in she got her knees on my back And it was like a forearm at one point and it was like popcorn kernels on the like my shoulder blade

Oh that would have felt awesome. She fixed me, oh like it hurt and she's like is that too much and it was but I was like no Don't stop I haven't said pineapple yet Yeah, yeah. I haven't said pineapple yet. Yeah, pineapple. I'll make a three syllable safe word. But yeah, she just fucking, like, it was like bubble wrap. And she like, as soon as she found it, she dug it out, man. And it was so good.

And I couldn't believe how inexpensive it was. Yeah. Cause it come out believe how inexpensive it was. Cause it come out my bank, it's like 45 pounds. Yeah, well yeah, after the conversion. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna get another one. Like, cause I feel like it's minimised, but it's still there. And I feel like that's not just a one shift job to do that. Well yeah.

It's probably a lot to do with, I mean like our travel. Our travel's not good on your posture. No, and because of different beds. You're in seats a lot to do with I mean like our travel is not good on your posture No, and because different beds you're in seats a lot different beds and stuff Yeah, so like I'm tying in extreme sports and going snowboarding as well as yeah getting drunk and sleeping in awkward positions Cuz you're flat out I don't think it's good. So I did that like I'm taking because I'm fucking 41 man You can't just let yeah aches and pains in your body manifest. No, because they'll just stay there, then you'll...

I booked in the yoga, and when I went to sign up, I saw there was like a three day beginner's pass for like $55, which is what, like fucking? 20 quid. 20 quid, 20, 22 pounds or something like that. So I've got three yoga classes booked in, so I'm living my fucking best life out here, man. Fucking? Fucking being a vegan, doing yoga and getting massages, man. I've been in U-Town for three days. You really have assimilated, huh?

I've assimilated hard to this fucking hipster trendy neck of the woods. Lucky you didn't put you up in Bankstown, otherwise you'd be doing burnouts. Crack, doing crick, then doing meth. Meth and burnouts. Yes, sorry. And eating kebabs.

I've just become my surroundings everywhere I go. Like when I was in Russell Street in Melbourne, I'd just become Chinese. Yeah. And when you were in Brisbane, you became a cunt. Oh, Brisbane's my people, man. You know when you're in Brisbane and the Gold Coast and you're like is this the Newcastle of Australia? Yeah I think it is. Yeah the Gold Coast for sure. Yeah it's Bougainie isn't it? It's Bougainie or everyone's orange even

though the sun is natural even if it's got a fake tan which I don't understand. The sun is right there just have a nap. That is funny to have tanning beds in this country. Yeah. What a lazy. Yeah, it's the Newcastle influence. Is that what it is? Because yeah, I've got a bit in my show,

which if you're coming to the show, sorry for butchering this instead of just doing this a bit. It's about finding out people have skin bleach in India. When I was visiting India. It's because the outdoor work is up who are paid. So it makes their skin a bit lighter. It looks like they've got more money. That's what it was. And then when I heard that I was like,

fuck off, our poor people wear fake tan. So we look like we've got money. So we look like we're gonna go on holiday. You can't afford to go on holiday, but you look like you've just been. No one's happy. No one's ever happy. Yeah. Something's always just a little bit out of reach for yeah isn't that hilarious that you know being slightly darker in the UK means you've

been on a holiday we're slightly being darker in anywhere else means you've been out you've got a job and they're both like you know everybody like from miles apart is just went with the same mindset. Yeah. I want people to think I'm doing better financially than I am. Oh, yeah. It happens a lot in Lebanon where like, no one lives in Lebanon, everyone lives away. And so when they come back to Lebanon, they'll be like, they're never going to work. And they don't, they come out like pretending they're gangsters, but they're actually just

cleaning toilets in Melbourne. But they come back with the wads. Bit of bling. Yeah. And so hilarious. But no're actually just cleaning toilets in Melbourne. Yeah. But they come back with the wads. Bit of bling. Yeah. It's hilarious. But no one will clean a toilet in Lebanon. No one's cleaning a toilet in Lebanon. No. Right. I'm thinking if there's some vinegar in here.

Is it like a squatting hole in the floor like there was in Bahrain? No, no, no. In Lebanon. Because when I was in a airport in Bahrain one time and I had to like squat. No. But like which is correct. Yeah, yeah. You know, anatomically, your posture should be over squatted.

Exactly, it's better for shitting. In fact, you should have like a little foot stool just to bring your knees up if you're sitting in a regular toilet. I get that, it's good for your colon and everything. There's probably a reason we've all got fucking piles. I'm assuming we've all got piles, right? Not just me?

I don't have Pales. Nah, fuck you. Yeah, nah. It's like squatting on a hole. Yeah, yeah. Profile in Lebanon. No, in Lebanon, we're pretty much just the rock, it's exactly like Greece.

Right? We're just on the wrong side of the European border. We're so close to Greece, culturally, you know, what's it called? Architecture. Yeah, yeah, also just like the climate. The climate, yeah. The climate and the geography and the...

But even the culture. Yeah, so is it a nice holiday destination? Yeah, it's amazing. And like, forgive my ignorance in geopolitics, but is it stable at the minute? Well, this, I mean, we've got, it's a big enough country where the South, Beirut and South, it's like, it's like the ghetto. It's its own entity. Yeah, it's its own reality.

And then if you're, if you stay in the Christian areas, you'll be fine. So how only North Beirut? So is there like nice towns in the North? Well, there's lots of little lovely sort of country towns in the North and you've got like the mountains, you can go skiing you know it's one of those ones where if you hit it in the right month I would never have assumed you could go skiing in Lebanon so if you go in let's say like October you can go skiing and then have a nice day at the beach on the same day nice because it's so cold up there and then nice and warm. So it's

relying heavily on the altitude. Yeah. Right. So we have high altitude and like Mediterranean climate. Yeah. At the same time. So you could actually like if you're willing to do like a four hour drive in between the two. Yeah exactly. Not even two hour drive. You could ski and then sunbathe on the beach two hour drive. Yeah. Like a pretty steep hill. Yeah, yeah, well that's so funny they have in the mountainside they try to build roads so all cars can go up but there's a with every village there's the one guy that has the four-wheel drive and his job is to drive people up and he gets paid for it so whenever they build a road where like a Prius could do it he would would, him and his belt boys would destroy the road

to keep his four wheel drive company going. Wow, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to be able to just get the Uber up there, do you? Yeah, exactly. And when this guy's livelihood depends on it. Yeah, so they really like... You fucking know the progress. Yeah. They've got the money to be made, man.

Exactly. They gate keep it. It's fucking awesome. And does everyone kind of just respect that and just go yeah, that's them Yeah and so like you you pay for the ride and you pay for like salad and like Bread and hot chips. They'll cook for you. Yes, but you got to bring your own meat, right? Because they don't want to store me for you if you if you get sick. Yeah They don't they just don't want to waste the meat. Yeah got you It's like what if no one shows up if you want to show up, we've got me Yeah, I got you. It's like, what if no one shows up? It's like, if you want to show up, we've got me.

Jesus, you're a fucking steak in your pocket. There you go, mate, chuck that on the fucking... Chuck that on a bit of tin foil on the engine, please. It was, when I went up to the mountain, it was wonderful. There was this like... Do you ski or board? Pardon? Do you ski or board?

No. No, not on the above. No, no, I can't ski. You're pretty good at it. The way kids are good at it, because low centre of gravity and like Yeah, yeah I guess it's just about the length of the skis. I guess but I've never tried it. I'm not a big extreme sports kind of guy. Nah, it's not your thing. Well no because if I'm not going to be the best at it I don't want to try. Really, that's where you are? Scared of failure? Is it failure that's stopping you pursuing things? Well I just, you know, whee! No, I just, I prefer to be on your back when you do it.

Yeah, we can sort that out. Yeah. I reckon I could give you a nice fucking ride down the slopes on a snowboard. You'd be fucking yelling in my ear, man. If there was like a ski scooter. Uh-huh. Yeah, you'd get them skidoos.

You know, like, so, because I don't have, like, enough weight to, like, skateboard. It's really funny because you get, like, someone like Phil Ellis is learning how to snowboard, right, and he's just so long and clumsy, right, that, like, when he wobbles, it wobbles a lot, and it's, the height of his gravity's all the way up there, so it really fucking puts a lot of, like,

weeble on that board. Whereas you see kids doing it and the fucking, it seems like they're so sturdy with the mountain, the kids. Because like they're so close. They're like the same height as the skaters. They're dense, those kids. They're like, they're thick. Yeah, they've got a little bit of poppy fat on them.

Makes you all lean. Cause yeah, I tried to skateboard once and I was just trying to make it turn. Yeah. And I just, I fell off before it turned. Because you haven't put a lot more weight on. Yeah, I fell off before it turned. Like my-

Before it turned, it had it even at anywhere near enough pressure to turn. Exactly. But did you have like a regular size skateboard though? No, I had a, I bought- Yeah, the little wee one. From Kmart, you can get it for 10 bucks. Yeah, just kids one.

Yeah, but I go on a scooter, they're wearing those razors, it's easier. Yeah, great. Something to hold on to. So how often you got to Lebanon then? I've been there about 12 times. Oh really? In my life.

Have you done gigs out there? I've done one gig there. How'd it go? It was awesome. Was it good? It was, I wasn't allowed to do it in Arabic. It had to be in English. It was like an outdoor gig, like a festival.

Maybe 3000 people, just outside in between two mountains. Nice. It was just a wonderful setting. It was a beautiful scene. Yeah, and I got to do, it was the first time I got to do more than, I did 20 minutes in front of 3000 people. Great. Which is like...

All English speaking as well. All English. What a gift. But locals. Locals speak English. Yeah. And I was on just before the headliner and the headliner was Glenn Wall. Great.

And poor bastard. No. He thought he was playing an expat gig. Oh, all his references. He went a bit too hard too early and they did not like him. What the local was just too insensitive. He just started off with raping a duck. You know that joke he does about the duck tickles the balls.

Yeah, yeah, I haven't heard it in a long time, but yeah, it's a very long time ago. Yeah. And he did that joke and. So like 3000 people laughing sounds awesome but there's nothing louder than 3,000 people not laughing it's just so silent. Definitely, definitely silent. And then he had he was supposed to do 40 minutes and it was it was brutal poor guy. Oh and they weren't like they were just politely silent as well. Politely silent. They weren't like chatting amongst themselves, like heckling, just like

raided out. And then they did 10, he did 10 minutes and then they all knew he was last so they could, you know, you know when you had a football game and you know you've lost, you start leaving early. Yeah, is this a fire drill? So that's what happened, it was a fire drill? Is this a fire drill? So that's what happened. It was a fire drill and it was metal stairs. And instead of hearing laughter, you could hear the clop. Oh, the feet of people leaving. Oh man. Who else was on the bill? Um, who hosted? Anthony Salome.

Dunno. He's the Lebanese Australian. Oh cool, he gigs out here. Yeah. Um, he lived in Lebanon for ages. It was a bunch of, you know Tahir, you ever meet Tahir? Tahir, yeah. Turkish guy. Ah, I think so, out here. Yeah, so it was mostly people from out here,

going to Lebanon. And then Glenn, Canadian, who just didn't have a tune into the local customs and traditions. He was fresh off doing a gig in Saudi Arabia, where you're not speaking to locals, you're speaking to British people. Yeah, of course. Yeah. You know, so he thought that's the audience. Lebanese audiences are a bit more.

Yeah, just prudish. Yeah, a bit prudish. Oh, like warm them up first. A bit like the gig we did for the Young Henrys. Exactly. Yeah. Well, just you get like, they're dirty, but you gotta spit on your hand first. Yeah, that's it, that's it.

You've gotta let the hair down, go through the gears, right? You can't just go straight to penetration. Dive straight in. You gotta do some, just like, little stuff about Salmonella or whatever, before you can go to rape and dox. Exactly. Yeah.

There's a, you gotta bridge the visa. Uh-huh. Yeah. He, like, he is one of He is one of the most travelled comedians I've met. Me and Daniel have got to be in the top 1% I think, with the amount of places, especially the fact that there's not a stone in Europe unturned. And we've done India and a lot of the Far East as well. I'd love to do those. They're so cool.

And like again, playing the locals, which is great. Yeah, that's what you want. There's not a great deal of expats coming to Danny's gig. There was one of what early gigs in the European tour in Paris, a lot of expats come out and we just scratched it out. Well, like if expats had turned up, we'll not do it. And then it was after Netflix and he got a French follow

and we started doing it in Paris again. We just say we didn't want to play it expats, we want to play it to the community. No, expats are the most boring people. It's fine to have a few expats in. Yeah, to colour. But if it's all expats, it's all sad. People that are somewhere they don't want to be.

Yeah, it's like- Life didn't work out the way they planned it. Yeah, no, it's like watching, you know, a really average football game between two British sides in Paris. Yeah. It's like, there's no, like what's the point? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why is it here?

Why is this non-league game being transplanted into the capital city in Europe? Why are we doing this? We've never all just done this in Birmingham or something. Yeah exactly. It takes the fucking feel away from it if you're doing that. There's not many places I go where the local promoters haven't got a Glen Wolf story. Like the Wolf met Glen, like he's just such a nomadic. Yeah, he's been everywhere. Yeah. There's another comedian that travels heaps, but he's...

Sloss doesn't like him very much. Roy Campbell. He's been everywhere. Yeah. I didn't think you wanted to beep that. Yeah. I remember when I started, I'd done two years where I didn't have a fixed abode. I lived out of a bag.

But it was fine because like my brother, I lived in near Liverpool. I've got, I had lots of friends in London, sort of always places to stay in Newcastle. Daniel lived in Edinburgh. and it was just like, there was always just somewhere on the map that like there was friends that were willing to put us up but I never outstayed me welcome at any one spot

and I was always overseas on the road. Do you have the dish that you cook? Huh? Do you have like the one meal you cook for when you've stayed at someone's house? When I stayed at someone's house. Where you're just like, thanks for letting me stay, here's a, here's a roast dinner.

Back then it was like a slowly churned breakfast eggs where I put the salmon and the spinach in it so the spinach would wilt as I would do it. And then it would end up not even fluffy, like almost like a kind of gooey kind of egg. Like a custard. Like a custard, yeah. Oh, nice.

But they were like really nice tasting with the salmon and the spinach in. But I'd always knock up that breakfast, but then I didn't wash at Daniel's house for sure. I just made it for myself there. He didn't even have breakfast. I think that's a tip for all comedians wanting to start out when you travel. Knock up a nice breakfast to have for whoever's house you're staying at. Yeah, like just a meal, like a lunch or a breakfast or something. Yeah, or a pot or something. Even bake a cake.

Yeah, I could knock up a chilli as well, like a lunch or a breakfast or something. Yeah. Even bake a cake. Yeah. Oh yeah. I could knock up a chilli as well. Like a full pot of chilli. So yeah, I remember someone just, I was like, oh, I'm living on the road, no matter. And then someone was like, like, like Roe Campbell. And I was like, like Glen Wall. Like Marcus Ryan. Like Glen Wall, right?

You stop saying all the names, I've already decided. It's like when you're playing football and you're like, oh, I'm Beckham, when you were a kid. And you're like, oh, I'm gonna be Beckham, or I'm gonna be a Gaza. You're Emile Heskey? I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. Yeah, so yeah, like Roy Campbell, huh? Yeah, I mean, both of those guys, you mentioned Marcus Ryan, very, very well traveled comics, because I remember Marcus did some gigs out in South America that he put on himself. And that's always just been a part of the map where I'm like, I'm fucking desperate to unlock it. It's just an entire continent I've not touched.

It's the same. It's the only continent I haven't been. Should we do it? Let's fucking do it. It's just an entire continent I've not touched. It's the same. It's the only continent I haven't been. Should we do it? Let's fucking do it. Should fucking me and you just go and put on some gigs and fucking point his errors. Oh my God, it'd be great. Yeah, we'll go to Brazil.

You and I in Brazil would fucking be crazy. It'd be so funny. Cause it's strange thing about Brazil. It's got the biggest Lebanese population. Actually? Yeah. So you'd actually be able to like draw a crowd by fucking reaching to the community as well.

Get on the fucking Lebanese Brazilian forums. Yeah. Yeah. Radio stations as well. And they had their own little sort of societies. So I'm playing to your expats. Yeah come, come to my expats. We're good people.

Brilliant. And would they all be expats or would they all be assimilated Brazilians? Ways assimilated. Most of them don't speak Arabic anymore. Yeah. Because it's... Natalie doesn't speak Arabic. Natalie.

My wife, do you not know she's Omani? No, I didn't. A half. Like her dad's Scottish. Okay. She was born in Scottish. She's Scottish. Yeah, yeah. Her mother speaks Arabic on the phone to her relatives every day when she's on the phone. And she...

Natalie just never picked it up. At all. And what's nice is she's got like this necklace that she's had since she was a child that's got her name Natalie in Arabic and then somebody speaks Arabic, Natalie. Yeah, but then they start talking to her. Yeah, and now there's someone chatting at my wife, great. But also Omani Arabic is really, I wouldn't understand. Oh, would you not?

So you couldn't have a conversation in Arabic with my mother-in-law? We could, like, we'd get, you know, it would take a while. Like a Portuguese person speaking to a Brazilian. Yeah, so you gotta like adjust your ears because like they'll have different. Would it be the same as an Australian talking to a Geordie? No, it's more similar to a someone from Montreal

talking to a French person. Oh, okay. But even with different like pronunciations. Yeah. Where like, juh. So in Lebanon we say juh, but like it's a letter juh. In Egypt it's guh. Right. So that just changes a whole word. Uh huh. So I'm coming, like I'm arriving, anagayy, in um. A gay. Anagayya. A gay. Which gay, which to you is a completely different thing. Yeah, exactly. Um, but I suppose with New Zealand and Australia, like they replace the E's for eyes and then

that could be like the fucking cliche, like, uh, stand on my dick. Yeah. On my dick. On my dick. Yeah. But also like, um, just the choice of words, like, you know, we'd say, you know, cause Lebanon has a Turkish influence and Oman would have a, uh, you know, we'd say, you know, because Lebanon has a Turkish influence and Oman would have a, you know, a Saudi influence. Yeah. So it's like, Arabic is not, it's not

one language. It's bizarre. Yeah. That's why we're not one person. It is quite widespread as well. Like that's a fucking whole continent of people speaking apparently the same language, but not. Yeah, exactly. Whereas like the fucking the range of languages that cut across Europe like fucking like languages from different sources as well like the base language isn't the same between Hungary and yeah yeah exactly well like it's like um you know Serbia Croatia yeah Slovenia yeah all those all those's Slovenia. Slovenia. Yeah. All those, they're the same people. Slovakia.

Slovakia. They're the same people. Yeah, I don't think they see it that way. Not since they were fighting on the streets. Yeah, well, genetically they're the same, religiously they're different. Yeah, it's like people from Newcastle and Sunderland don't see them, I'll fucking kill you.

I'll fucking kill you. I'll kill you. They're not? Man, they must be so similar from the outside looking at you. But no. It's like me hating little people. It's exactly like that. It's come back around. Everyone's like, does he? No.

Yeah. Why do Newcastle andle and South, why do they hate each other? proximity. Isn't it like the football teams? No, but is there like a historic thing like maybe it's never going to be as bad as Glasgow. Okay, it's never going to be as bad as the old firm. But like, I just find them icky. Okay, it's less of a hatred and more of an ick.

But isn't it like, you know, because I know with Italy, there's like Inter Milan and AC Milan and Inter Milan were winning international players and AC Milan were fascists. So that's that was that separation. Is there fascism? I don't think there's any political Like political disagreement, there's no religious thing. It's just like... It's just nothing.

They've just... Is it the same accent? They've taken our accent and they've made it unctuous. They've made it like... So, school computer, super duper. And their accent is what? Tea or coffee. And what does their accent sound like?

That was theirs. That was theirs. I'm not very good at accents, all right. No, it's the same accent. I didn't hear any difference. You just started saying things. Well, you know when, right, this is the only way I can explain it.

You know when you can tell the difference between a Disney character and a one that was just drawn freehand on the back of a screen van? Yeah, yeah. That's what they are to us. Oh, so they're like the carbon copy. Not carbon copy, they're the off copy. So they're like-

By the, by the, what would happen if you had a kid with your sister copy? OK, so it's an unlicensed. Yeah. It's an unlicensed Geordie accent. And I feel like the way they're representing it is you want to put as much distance between you and them as possible. Yeah, that's hilarious. It's like, yeah, we used to get t-shirts in Lebanon, like kids t-shirts where it

say Disney, but it had Bugs Bunny on it. Uh-huh. But it's like so that... That's Looney Tunes. Yeah, exactly. So they would write, they would... Cartoon is cartoon. American cartoon doesn't matter.

So it was unlicensed and you just say Disney and it would be... Didn't matter. Forky Pig. Yeah, and you just say Disney. It didn't matter. Forky Pig. Yeah, just put Ronaldo's name on the back of an Isimulans shirt. Exactly. That's two things that you've heard of going together. Let's just roll with it. I travelled in, I was in Turkey and all these, some like, they had a messy, a Barcelona messy shirt my size. And my genuine thought was,

wow, I didn't realize he was that small. Yeah, they're all his. They're all his shirts. He's a quite a small guy, must be. Yeah, yeah, we just represent. Yeah, he's representing you. Is that your guy? That's my guy.

Do you have a guy that is, are you the guy? Sorry? Are you the guy? Are you the most famous little guy? Me? No. No, no, no, that's Peter Dinkley. No, but like he's... He's a cunt.

No, but he's the other variation of little person. Yeah. I've never met anyone like you. No. No? Your sister is? Yeah, my sister. Are you a party of two?

Yeah, it's just me and my sister. And apparently according to my dad, some other Lebanese kid who's 16 Oh yeah, your mom's okay with that? Got diagnosed, they've been divorced for years But apparently he's been diagnosed with Rima Syndrome What is it sorry? The Rima Syndrome Rima Syndrome

My sister's name is Rima Syndrome So the syndrome's named after your sister? Yeah So you're literally all the pioneers of... Yeah. This is a fucking fascinating one. Yeah, it's bizarre. So we're the only ones that have... So you're a case study? Yeah, we're the only ones in the world that are short and good looking. What a result. Phew, the fucking chances. Oh, Christ. I know. But it's it's it's a hard place to be, man. Because, you know, when I'm on the apps and I just take I don't want to write midget. But if I take a picture of my face, but nobody can know.

Nobody nobody will know that. Yeah. Yeah. So I stay off them. So it's hard day then. Oh, well, it's because it's that weird. It's that weird place in the middle where like, I wanna fulfill everyone's, I wanna fulfill your desires, but also find it weird that if you haven't met me, you fantasized about someone like me.

Yeah. It's like, I don't wanna be in the club that would have me. Yeah. Yeah, the Coach Remarks thing. It's like, what's wrong with you? Yeah. You've been lying in the end. But you wanna charm someone.

Yeah. You wanna meet them and charm them and them to go, actually, I'm not gonna let that be an obstacle. Exactly. Yeah. You've been lying in bed. You want to charm someone. You want to meet them and charm them and them to go. Actually, I'm not going to let that be an obstacle. Exactly. Yeah. But I don't want you lying in bed going, you know, my fantasy is a hairy foot hairy guy. I need a hairy Lebanese midget or nothing. That's strange. You're not getting me. You've been there taped as a red flag to you. It's so hard between a rock and a soft spot. How's dating going? All right? Nah, it's been a while. Been a little while.

Yeah. Man, but yeah, your personality shines through, man. Fucking look, use this as a dating app. If there's anyone that would like to hang out with you, man, he's the best fucking company. This hour's flown by, man. I could talk to you for three more but we're in the business of putting a one hour episode so we'll call it a day here, leave them one and more if you want more, hit them up man. Yeah, Iman Frank Hachidi on all the socials.

All the socials and you're doing shows at all the festivals? Oh they're coming to an end now? Yeah I'm just doing Sydney. You've got time to see them in Sydney if you're there, I'm also in Sydney. And then any plans to come to the UK? I would love to, but it's too expensive man. Off and in the can at the minute. No, but if you guys need a, you know, if you want someone to open for you, I'll do it. Let's set up that Brazil tour. Let's do Brazil. Why not? Yeah, Brazil, Argentina, Colombia. All the cocaine states. Any new kid?

She'd wreck eyes off with fucking him, man. What are they up to? Right, I'll see you on the next episode. See you guys.