Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Bubble Tea

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

Muggins and Cream nurse a football induced hangover as they tackle some of societies major issues, like corruption in sport, the ineptitude of Austrian breakfast cafe's and Bubble Tea, if indeed it exists.

Hello podcast listeners and viewers, I guess. Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys On The Road. We are on the road again. We are in Vienna, in Austria right now. So we spend a fair bit of the podcast talking about that and how shit their breakfasts are. It then does get a bit football-y for about 20 to 25 minutes. It's not too much like about the tactics or anything,

but we just talk about it for a bit. And if that's not your jam, feel free to fucking skip forward. But there's some good stories in there and some good fucking chat. And then at the end we talk about parenting. And I think that was it. I think that was it. We were very hungover. So, you know, it's funny at points.

And then there's heaps of dead air. So, enjoy. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. hungover so you know it's funny at points and then there's heaps of dead air so enjoy sloss and humphries on the road muggins and cream cream and muggins straight thuggin living the dream that's our intro muggles tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack oh muggles accidental rim job in the park kiss kiss kiss or am i just being cynical just muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? How's your hangover? It's not, I wouldn't consider it a hangover, it's

more just, you know, when you're just tired after drinking. I don't have a sore tummy. You should have come for breakfast with me fucking Austrian breakfast man we're in Vienna welcome to the podcast guys we're in Vienna we were in Graz last night uh huh

in Vienna the night before we've got another show in Vienna tonight an overflow gig in Vienna tonight and em I got up and went for breakfast this morning

and forgot I was in Austria em I made the mistake before in em Meyerhofen of going for breakfast how the fuck Austrians just don't sleep

until noon when lunch is available and they can have like whatever goulash well to be fair is there is what European

cities do good breakfasts none of them really but this is by far the worst this is what happens you like

you get the menu right and it'll have just a list of ways to have eight baps not even baps like a heel of bread like a fucking hard

boulder of granite bread something they've left in the basement for a while like a basket like do you have any fresh beds you're like yeah

but we're letting that go stale so it's ready in three months like oh can I have that now and they're like yeah but we're letting that go stale so it's ready in three months like oh can I have that now and they're like what

why it'll be soft it'll be soft and chewy and flavourful that doesn't what do you think bread is

it's for throwing at monarchy it's gotta be it's gotta be fucking hard you need to get a purchase you can't

you can't just put a window out with a hovis seeded butch it is just so much ofeeded butch it is just so much of the food

it is shit bread and cold meat and cheese and a boiled egg oh I didn't realise I was

growing up in Game of Thrones you know what that's exactly what I was thinking is this a breakfast off

Skyrim can I have a knuckle of bread please can I get a skin of wine

to go with it you fucking savages so I it's always like sportsman's breakfast and it'll be like 8 bits of hard bread a boiled egg and a horseradish like what's the sport no one day is so bad at sport

hunt us breakfast it's like the bread's like the soul of the foot of someone who's walked the desert. I don't know what else, I don't know what else can I say. It's fine,

you can go, but that's, I was going to try and lift you out of there, but you seem confident through most of it. Yeah, I bailed. Austrians are as good at breakfast as the Asians are at dessert.

I get it. Even when we were in a Michelin star Szechuan restaurant and and barang really tried to big up the desserts they still brought out the dessert you get at a Chinese restaurant, at every Chinese restaurant. I just don't understand how like culturally you can consistently have the best starters, the best main courses, like here's some of the best gyoza you've ever had in your fucking life here's a dumpling soup here's this like chicken that we've done in this fucking weird way and you don't want fucking cow tongue i bet you think that's gonna be gross actually

not all these lovely spices we've spiced it well and then for dinner you can have like ramen or you can have bao buns and all these delicious things you're like oh man two of the finest courses i've ever had in my entire life what do you you have for dessert? Green tea flavoured foam. Yeah. And also this flapjack got really dry, so wet it. Aye, just with water though. It's literally wet dry food. It's kibble. Green tea is not a flavour anyone enjoys outside of green tea. Stop putting it in things. And also, man, I get rice is class. Who doesn't like rice?

It's a staple of so many things. It's not a fucking dessert you daft cunts. Rice pudding, I know we do it in the UK, that's the punishment dessert. That's what I used to have for dessert. And I'm really poor. And they're just like, it is coconut-flavoured rice.

I'd rather fucking die. Why don't the Chinese just go, right, you see how everyone else is killing it with like fucking sticky toffee pudding and fudge brony. Why don't we just give it a shot? Lads, lads, I'll tell you what I've done. I've actually come up with

a chocolate dessert oh absolutely brilliant well done Dave I don't know any Japanese names and I'm too scared to get it wrong that's great

what is it it's Kit Kat great the Americans love those it's green tea flavour motherfucker and also somehow

I've made it pink why does that add anything to the flavour no but it's fucking sick for the gram love those. It's green tea flavour. Motherfucker! And also somehow I've made it pink. Why? Does that add anything to the flavour? No, but it's fucking sick for the gram, I tell you. Have you ever had bubble tea? Bubble tea? Aye. Like soda stream tea? No. Well, what else is it then?

Hold on. He asked me if I had bubble tea, so my head went instantly to tea with bubbles. As opposed to the very famous bubble tea So I just Went Head went instantly Tea with bubbles As opposed to The very famous bubble tea You know that You've seen people

Fucking drink it It's that It'll be a big Clear Cup Of like Some fucking liquid And it's got like

The little balls The little jelly Have you not seen bubble tea? Oh Have you seen bubble tea? Where? It's everywhere Everywhere Everywhere Bubble tea What in the shop? No have you seen bubble tea? Where? It's everywhere.

Everywhere? Everywhere. Bubble tea. What, in the shop? Can you get it from Asda? There's bubble tea places where people will queue up for ages outside. You're making this up.

Oh, fuck it. How do you not know bubble tea? It's huge in Australia. I thought they were all queuing for trainers. You only just see a random queue in a city and you don't know what you're missing. Oh, yeah. queuing for trainers. You know when you see a random queue in a city and you don't know what you're missing. It's always trainers.

Apart from that one time it was Starbucks. It was like the birthplace of Starbucks and everybody queued for a Starbucks. Even though there's just another Starbucks down there that was like 7,021th. 7,021th? That's right. Go for it.

Bubble tea. Wait, how are they? I'll show you a picture. Hold on. I'm not mental here. You're a bit mental. I'm in general but not here right now.

You're telling me you've never seen any of that in your life? That's juice Uh huh What's the bubbles then? Well I don't know I've never had them

Because they look fucking Man I think I don't think they're as common as you think They're huge Definitely huge No no They're not There's like

Specifically bubble tea restaurants It's like It's come over Because it's huge in Asia I think fucking Japan They love it there And it's like Made's come over because it's huge in Asia I think fucking Japan they love it there and it's like made its way

is it like you know you're gonna expect like Mark Steele to not have heard of K-pop yeah and you're like it's literally the biggest thing

on the planet right now and he's like yeah but why would I know what K-pop is yeah okay yeah yeah I mean he does have a gay son so he should know what k-pop is.

And also isn't out. Oh whoops well we'll seven minutes. Bubble tea is I mean I've never had it right I think Jack's had it before and he's like it's great but he's got a fucking weird taste it's like it's definitely cold tea right which is gross I think do you like iced coffee? Yes, but, I'd rather a coffee, it's like,

you know, iced coffee's when, you know, fuck it, it's sweltering outside, and you want a coffee, and you're like, the last thing I want's boiling water right now,

I'll have an iced coffee, it's like, it's an answer, but I wouldn't, I wouldn't press myself for an iced coffee, obviously I'm not, it's got to be hot, But I wouldn't press myself for an iced coffee. See, I'm not... It's got to be hot, otherwise I'm just not fucking interested.

Also, the ones that have, like, you know, if you get them in the petrol station or something like that, when you're travelling, you're like, oh, I'm fucking... I want to keep myself up. It's literally just packed with sugar. Right. Well, this is cold fucking tea,

and I assume the teas are, like, different fucking flavours, and then the balls in the bottom of them are like little fucking jelly balls flavoured with something else but I don't understand

because like it's not like they burst when they're in there and then make the tea there's just like a big thick straw where you drink all the tea and then you just

fucking like a very hungry Pac-Man suck these balls into the back of your throat like glug glug glug glug like it's and it's like frog spawn

aye aye okay I'm listening you and this is caught on yeah hugely

yeah yeah and like I definitely see I mean okay I was about to say you'd probably you're probably not going to find one in Newcastle, to be fair.

They definitely have them in Edinburgh. They've definitely got them in fucking like Birmingham and they'll be huge in London. But I don't know. I think it's, I don't know if people have actually taken to it over here or whether it's just the Asians that live here being like, look, there's enough of us that we like this thing and we're all still there being like,

could you cunts stop doing dessert? Just stop stop it you're not good at sweet things it's not your fucking forte but they've clearly got a talent for food what is it it was um because brang was talking about as well it wasn't he was like arabic uh desserts as well he was like they've got baklava and they just haven't got the balance right they're just like oh this is a sweet we're just gonna make it really sweet and they're like oh no like try right. They're just like, oh, this is a sweet, we're just going to make it really sweet. And you're like, oh no, like try and... Well, because I feel like a lot of, like, I'm going to get the term correct here,

it's like Middle Eastern cuisine, or not Middle Eastern, like Indian cuisine comes from, like, they just over-flavour everything. And that was originally because... They were in a hot country and meat rocks. Meat would get fucking spoiled and you can just override the taste of

meat that's gone out of date with all the other and that's why So you can make the fucking sole of a shoe delicious if you need to. And they do

which is why as somebody who doesn't like vegetables if any country can successfully feed me vegetables it's India. It's going to be India.

Because they're like it tastes nothing like what it used to taste like. We've just put cumin we put turmeric disguised they're feeding you vegetables the way i'll feed a tablet to piggy they're disguising it and i'm very grateful for them that the only way vegetables ever go into my system is via fucking indian so i think maybe they do that as well with uh just desserts they're like well you know what I put heap loads of curry powder into this

so why would I not put all of the sugar into this dessert yeah that's exactly what they're doing isn't it yeah

which is like okay well sugar's class why not just all of it and you're like well I mean I understand

your logic if you're wondering why we're hungover today it's because for the past couple of weeks me and Kai have been very worried

because one of our very good friends someone we love nearly was given a real bad diagnosis they were going to die essentially they were going to lose their life

we were so worried about them not surviving and thankfully last night football survived cancer I was wondering where you were getting with that. Our very good friend football had a real bad prognosis that a distinctly average team were going to win the quadruple and then they didn't even come close.

They got halfway there. The bad half. Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, I'm sure as a Liverpool fan, it must have been very, very exciting to watch 330 minutes of football in finals and not see a single goal ticked. And not even get to jump off your seat. Oh, man.

Very nice Liverpool fans out there. Yeah, you know, I'm friends with a lot of Liverpool fans and I do believe they understand us laughing like I'm a very Chelsea fan you beat us in two finals you won two coin tosses but fair enough it's really helped me understand how

much joy you got out of England losing oh yeah because at the time I was so like fucking caught up in the emotion of, like, oh, that was shit. Like, we just fucking got so close and lost and you were just like, ah.

Then in videos of you laughing and that. Yeah. We still use this as a video of you and Gareth screaming when Croatia put us out of the World Cup.

Yeah, the World Cup semi-final. And I still use that video on you or Gareth any time any of you have bad news. Any time any of you have, like, oh, I've missed my train. I've missed my flight and I'm stuck in fucking Amsterdam or whatever. Oh, boo. you or Gareth anytime any of you have bad news anytime any of you have like

oh I've missed my train I've missed my flight and I'm stuck in fucking Amsterdam or whatever or Boo that's a bad example but

if you travel a lot you'll know that being stuck in Shipola is not good yeah no god awful fucking airport it's just too vast

anyway if you're like stuck I'll just use that one of you celebrating and I think it's because, much like England, even though Liverpool are like Liverpool first, Liverpool, not England,

they still have the very English outlook of enjoying your success with your middle fingers pointing outwards to everybody else who's failing. It's not weird. Where class your shit? It's like that, isn't it? There's no humility in it. And England fans are very much the same. It's never we're just happy that we're good. where class your shit it's like that isn't it there's no humility in it in england yeah england

fans are very much the same it's never we're just happy that we're good it's we're also thrilled that you fucking suck and it's your it's the pride which is why it's so fun to it's the pride comes before fall thing and then it's when the pride comes before fall it is hard to not find the fall funny they've had fucking so much success this season. But if Newcastle had won the domestic cup double, I would be so fucking happy about it. Man, if Chelsea had won these two fucking finals, I'd be a smart gun. It would be fucking dreamy, right?

But I wouldn't be sat there going, fucking come on, the quadruple. Aye, aye. I mean, look, they got high on their own supply and they got there. And, you know, I mean, you knew, they knew something was up because I didn't watch the match

because I was on stage, but I did see there was lots of footage of Liverpool fans crying before the match. So they must have known something was up. Was that a tear gas joke, Daniel? Well, they got tear gas. I know, sorry. I didn't have known something was that a tear gas joke Daniel well they got tear gas I know I'm sorry I didn't have the

context for that Daniel behave those children I'm a bad man I'm sorry the problem is like I mean

you're absolutely right Liverpool's one of the parties I think that I really like the most I always get along with them on a personal level

oh but also man their fucking attitude of like man they fucking hate the Queen they hate the Sun

they hate the Tories they hate the rest of fucking England I'm like this is a good city like this is

fucking class but it's just you know and then they suck their own dick about football in front of you and you're like

whoa I like you why are you sucking your own football in front of you and you're like whoa I like you why are you sucking your own dick in front of us man that's dude dude you're in my

house so Terry Liverpool fans commiserations well done on a still very successful

season as successful as Chelsea this season because we've won the same amount of trophies I mean you've

won two more European trophies haven't you oh one of them was a global you won the World Cup so trophies I mean you've won two more European trophies haven't you oh one of them was a global yeah you won the World Club Cup so I mean our ones were definitely

bigger but but em I know it's like let's talk about how fucking shite you AFR are because I know you're getting like a bit of joke you shot in Freud about like ha ha

it was Liverpool fans ha ha it was Rangers fans but like genuinely on a human level take it away from the joke, strip it back, like, don't be trivialising it

and you were crying before the match, right? That was the funny thing to say, you said it, right? UEFA are a serious

breach of human rights violations on the last two fucking European Cup finals, Champions League and the Europa Cup. It was absolutely fucked up,

the scenes that we're watching. I'm very aware that there is definitely forms, there's always going to be some forms of fucking hooliganism at matches.

Hopefully they will find a way to fucking stamp that in the future. But it'll always be there. But to treat the majority, which it never is. It's usually families. Aye.

The people that were fucking pepper sprayed in Paris yesterday, it was fucking peppers playing in parties yesterday. But it was fucking mums and dads and kids. And their ticket holders trying to get into the stadium

and they weren't doing shit. And it's like, it's like, people will want to spin the narrative that like, oh, it's Liverpool fans

with fake tickets trying to get in because it suits the narrative as like, my new fans are opposing fans or whatever. But yeah,

just like, no, look at this for a second. That could have been you if your team was any good. You could have been there. Me lastest dad and brother went to the Rangers game and they were taking water off people on the way in. It was like 35 degrees in Seville and they were taking water off people on the way in.

And like, you know, you take drinks off focus off focus you sell drinks it's like a closed market so that happens sometimes right i don't think you're allowed to take a human right away if i've ever gotten next if i've went in with a bottle of coke or something like that i think i don't have a rugby match and they're like oh gonna take that off you i was like oh dude i'm diabetic i'm not but I'm just like you're not taking me shit off it's like I'm just going to make it look like

fucking he's I can understand taking booze off people and maybe taking like containers of water with coke in it because you're like there's probably vodka

there could be booze in it yeah you cannot take water's a human right you can't take that away from people so you think that's bad despite what i say i do believe rangers fans are humans yeah when you strip it all back when shit like this

goes down and you have to go whoa whoa whoa i don't yeah so i know i was being a dick there but don't actually enforce any of my jokey evil opinions so um we're taking um phone chargers of of people as well which is, you're away from home, you're abroad, right? You're in a fucking cops of people. Cops, is that a good term for a group of people? No. It's what you use for trees.

Or copes. Cops. Copes. Copes. Have I been saying that wrong the whole time? I think so. Either that or I have. Probably me though, right?

Yeah, maybe. History suggests. So taking chargers off people which is fucking bullshit right but then also taking inhalers off people

taking the medical inhalers off folk and then so they get into the stadium and then so it's a

fucking 120 minute match plus penalties and extra time they run out of water to sell to people and they and extra time. The run out of water to sell to people and they were queuing

to drink what out of the taps in the toilets which didn't you hear a Celtic fan do? Aye, aye. It was a joke I didn't understand online but it was a Celtic fan

who sat with a bunch of Rangers fans two days after the final in a bar and said I'm off to the toilet do you want anything? That's really funny anything that's really funny

oh yeah it's really funny but like and then the the plumbing just stopped the water stuff coming at the tap and the water

all parched as fuck trying to cheer the team on god god shame now you know what it feels like

for the rest of us when we try to sing that song That's how it should feel coming out of your throat when you're Scottish I've told you this as well but we're on the podcast my lastest dad was 72 right after the game he got separated from everybody else

I think he just stopped at the shoelace or something and people went ahead and a guy come along and snatched his bag off him, he just stopped with his shoelace or something and people went ahead and a guy come along and snatched his bag off him he just fucking grabbed it and ran

he's 72 he kind of put up a fight and he was just left in Seville with fuck all what was in the bag in the bag was

so he doesn't have a mobile phone he chooses to live his life without one he doesn't want one he's like I'll fucking get in touch with people

if I need them I've got the internet in the house I'll not be fixed to it all the time absolutely what a bonkers stupid old man opinion

man just like days gone days jigsaw I respect it in a house fucking setting you don't have a mobile phone when you go on holiday you're a fucking mental case

it's actually a response so that's the opinion of Natalie and Alexander aye right and they were like you can't get on holiday without a phone

I'm going to get you a phone one you need a phone for your ticket anyway that's the world we live in da move into it aye catch up sorry she's like

I'll get you this phone even if you just use it for this one trip right and I've put your ticket on the screen saver so you don't even need to unlock it just press the power thing show the ticket and then I can get in touch with you if I need a ddefnyddio'r ffon i'r un tro hwn. Ac rwyf wedi rhoi ticet ar y sgrin-serfa, felly dydw i ddim eisiau ei ddatganu. Dwi'n gwneud y peth pwysig, yn dangos y ticet ac yna gallaf fy nghyfieithu os oes angen. Felly mae'n rhoi'r ffôn i'w ddweud ei bod ei ddau ddim eisiau defnyddio'r ffôn i

storio'r adrwydd i'r hotel, oherwydd nid yw e eisiau defnyddio'r ffôn. Efallai ei fod yn rhedeg y bateri. Felly mae'n ysgrifennu ei enw yn yr hotel ac yn ei roi ynddo. right so he writes his name in the hotel and just pops it in there right and he had 70 euros in there so he's fine using money he doesn't want to use fucking

doubloons or gold coins he uses paper money even though that's all new aye but he's not he's not willing

to use Conagless right we've we've we've got to stop Giving them medicine After a certain age We have to man You're just

You're just not going to Join in with the world And get off it I absolutely fucking Respected me like I was just like There you do you man He's like

He's not fighting it He's just not doing it. No, that's fighting it. They gave you a fucking phone with a note app on it and to spite them, you wrote a fucking gesture on a bit of paper with your quill in your ink pot. Nah. Nah.

Reprehend. What a... Oh. Rachel. Like, I think you're right but also I'm as bad as him on the opposite end

of the spectrum my habits are so bad when we phone of just going to Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and me Whatsapps

and every time responding to shit that's there right and then and then me emails and then going back in the loop again and starting again and i could

have done that loop like six times before i click on i'm just sat there in an airport i'm sat there just like waiting for the pickup for in the hotel or something so i didn't want to like commit myself to anything so i just pick up all these habits and i'm like i'd much rather be in bobby's headspace than mine where my. Where my habits are that. Right? If you could find some middle ground between where most of society is and where he is. Then yeah.

Because he looks at us as ridiculously as we look at him. When really, being somewhere in the middle is probably ideal. Oh, I had to go with that. So anyway, yeah,

his passport was in there as well Right So he gets it snatched He's in Seville He's fucking lost everybody He's gotten off And he's in his 70s And then

He just goes to the police station And they Describe the guy That mugged him And The police were just like Oh Paul

God he must be good at descriptions that's what I was thinking fucking remind me never to play guess who with your father he must have

fucking been real good and then they went and got the guy he was six foot two Caucasian short back and sides

two on the top Sagittarius I believe but based on his greeny blue eyes. He had a mole on his lower back. He still had some of his baby teeth, but just at the back. Jesus Christ, man.

So he described the guy on match day, right? And the police were like, oh, yeah, he operates out this area. We'll go get him. And they went and got him. Oh, no. oh, yeah, he operates out of this area, we'll go get him. And they went and got him. Oh, no.

And they got him. He says you could hear him shouting on and stuff in the police station. He was just in the other room. And then they come through and they were like, well, yeah, that's your phone as you described it because it had the ticket on the screen saver with his name on and shit, right? So they're like, there's your phone back. And there's your €370. And Bobby was like, 70 euros?

And the police were like, 370 euros. Don't make me file more paperwork. Also, do you want his shoes? We've confiscated them because he might try and kill himself or kill somebody else. And a pair of Reeboks.

Do you want those? It's so weird, Mr Old Man, that seems to hate mobile phones because it appears you brought seven with you to Seville. You brought some iPhones. You brought a couple of Galaxies. Yeah, you brought several wedding rings. How many people are you about to propose to? how many wives do you

how many people are you about to propose to yeah who are all these pictures of other people's kids on your

other phones like it's some sort of secret life so I just want to go to get out

we've got Davy Jones's chest here for you so they just poured out all this

fucking all this money on the table. And he was like, just being so upstanding. Aye. Like, I don't know if he believes in karma, or whatever,

right? He's just like, he doesn't want to take the money. And the police are like, you got robbed, man. Take the compensation. I know,

because of insurance. Yeah, we could fine you, because it's connected to your phone, right? We're not going to just fine the people, who got robbed of just it's connected to your phone, right? How can I just fine the people who got robbed of just money? Aye. Did anyone lose this? Be honest!

Be honest! 300 people lost a dollar. I know this is a street full of Rangers fans, but can I have a little bit of honesty here when it comes to cash? So had the phone and the money, right? But that's so good. This is just a bit of

probably incorrect I don't know take it to my part in my head I'm like Spanish cops must be the fucking worst aye

and the fact that they clearly were not is but you know what it is that dealing with football fans for the most part right

and then just this really well spoken polite older gentleman comes into the place and he must just there's a book hanging out of his

back pocket that he can read during the afternoon yes yes yes and they're like oh well this guy's

innocent we'll go we'll solve your crime 100% yeah so they they give him the money and he justified it in his head

he was just like well the emergency passport is going to cost us about that yeah right so I'll take the money because then I'll not be

able to pocket it once I get my passport back and he goes to the hotel where his son is and a couple of his friends and like fucking where have you been

and he's like a bit flustered like well this just happened but it's not all bad like I've I've fucking won the lottery so but he's like but I'm going to have trouble

getting home because my passport and what else did I say so so the fucking the hotel they're in the hotel busy

hotel lobby it's after the football there's been loads of pandemonium so everyone's just like i've got a druth or whatever they're talking about they're all drinking out the phones and uh alex he has his name in somebody else's mouth i was a fucking way right and he's like did somebody just say my fucking full name alexander lane and then um he's like listening out for it and then he hears it again and he just walks over and went you're saying my name and there's a lassie on the phone she's like are you Robert Alexander Lane he was like oh that's my dad and then he's like oh I found his bag he's got his passport in and little note with the hotel name and address and all that on. Mother fucker. And I bet your father-in-law was like,

going right to the police station to hand this money back. And they're like, lock the doors, don't let me in. Just fucking keep it. It's going to look like a bribe at this point. Sorry lads, I don't need it for my passport. We don't care. Fuck off. Something good happened to you. Let it happen. I told him that I don't need it for my passport we don't care fuck off something good

happened to you let it happen so I he ended up getting his passport and he's over the course of six hours

he had the most remarkable bad luck and good luck in the same in the same sitting and he was going like if he was gonna if that like happened on something you know i feel like that got written into the tv drama

you'd be like it would look like lazy writing you'd be like oh i uh-huh uh-huh yeah i just found all of his stuff in a city full of hundreds of thousands of football fans thousands of football fans but I that all went down now the season's over aye it is and then the new season will start

is the World Cup still happening in December I cannot get my fucking head around how that's gonna work I can't get my head around

like don't be wrong I know we live in a world now where like corruption is visible literally everywhere but to be that to be that openly

blasé about it yeah yeah Qatar the football world cup do you want to know my earliest memory

of Qatar yeah remember FIFA 95 the game was it the original one that one maybe FIFA 95 it might have it the original one that one maybe FIFA 95

it may have been 96 but could have been both Qatar was the worst team by males on it I'm surprised they were even in it had like half a star

right and what we used to do is let my friend Andy be Brazil and we'd be Qatar and then we'd only keep the goals down to like 10.

You can put up a fight. Andy, my friend who has Down syndrome. That's how we used to offset it so that he could have a decent game of FIFA against any of us as we would be Qatar. So I just remember it as being the worst nation in football.

It's just so... I mean, do we just accept open fucking corruption and everything? Just because it's so obvious and so clear that we're just like, well, I guess that's just how the world works. Like, they used to have the decency to do it behind our backs, but now we've got instant access to information all the time. I was out there in 2017 doing gigs and the stadiums were all but built. They looked pretty much finished

as we drove past them and that. I was getting told about the fucking amount of deaths involved building them because what they would do is, it's illegal for anybody to work when it's over 50 degrees outside. But the weatherman just always reported it so they started

making thermometers that only went up to 49 degrees aye pretty much aye so they just fucking skewed

a system that's already shit they skewed it and I was listening on the podcast about like workers coming over

and getting their passports taken off them and shit like that like from the Philippines and like ending up like working out there for practically

slavery because they can't get anywhere and just living in absolutely bullshit conditions so they could build these stadiums the human rights violations involved in building these stadiums so that the football can be there when there's already infrastructure in place in

every other fucking city and other footballing countries countries there already infrastructure in place in every other fucking city. Aye. Yeah, and other footballing countries. Yes. Countries that love football and play football fucking regularly. Is Sepp Blatter in jail? Nah. I've no idea.

Probably not. Nah, they didn't get him to jail, these guys. He probably does after dinner speaking. Aye. People are like, you know what, when he's up there telling jokes, he's actually a A very very funny man Very good hearth And em The thing is

With it all So it's happening Over Christmas And the beauty The beauty of the Fucking International tournaments Is that like

I'm talking to people That aren't A lot of people That listen to this podcast Probably don't watch football But they probably do Get Get the spirit Of going out Into a beer garden And getting behind a lot of people that listen to this podcast probably don't watch football but they probably do get get the spirit

of going out into a beer garden and getting behind the game even if they're different are the rules because the whole nation gets wrapped up

maybe he's not so much to American fans I don't know probably not no I think in more recent years the Americans have been

becoming a bit more into soccer yeah but because we were in Vegas when the European Cup final was on once the Americans have been becoming a bit more into soccer yeah because we won Vegas when the European Cup final was on once

and nobody seemed that interested were we? Portugal won 2016 oh yeah so

I'm not sure if this lands with everybody but I think the nation of England like people that aren't usually into football,

don't know a single footballer's name, they'll just start getting a little bit like, there'll be a sense of civic pride for the nation because we're getting behind a group of young lads who seem like gentlemen, and the manager's fucking class and all that. He's a good role model, and everybody just seems to,

in this divided nation, everyone just seems to get together and enjoy themselves. And it's such a summer vibe. Maybe the people of Qatar are going through the same thing. Who knows what the political situation is out there. Maybe they're all like, this will be the thing that heals our country. You killed seven generations of my family building that stadium.

Okay, well, you're not coming to the game because you've got bad juju. Gay. Bad juju. You're not going to get behind the club. You're just not picking up the spirit of the occasion. But no, it's over Christmas now. It's going to be an indoors thing, which is grand. It's nice having people around your house and stuff. Like when we watched Scotland versus Serbia in your gaff.

We did. It was nice, you know. It was nice Serbia in your guff it was nice it was nice for you it was nice for you it was horrible 128 minutes

for me until the end I saw Mark Nelson belly flop onto hard marble he jumped up in the air

to the height of his own head and belly flopped onto marble that was a good day Scotland get

to become the bad guys on Wednesday because Scotland have not qualified for a World Cup since

1994 oh no we were in 8 weren't we aye so it's been a very very long time and we're in

the playoff semi-finals look they've had the Eurovision song contest they cannot have the Eurovision Song Contest. They cannot have the football and all. We're against Ukraine. And look, obviously,

I want to win that football game, but don't kick a man when he's down. Oh, dude, man. You're going to get to feel what it's like supporting England when everybody else supports the opposition aye

you're just like are we are we the bastards here aye like man like if it was if it was England v Ukraine I'd be like

have do the right thing right play 87 minutes of football get whatever the score it is 3-0 and you go right we would have qualified

and then put four goals into the back of your own net like you know that charity match when they let Gazza score 55 but moving runs like he's in his 70s and he pops a goal in

at one mile an hour they keep a dive out of the way of it just do that just let them qualify for the World Cup you know it's

they're fighting the new Nazis like how can you cheer against how can you

how can you sully their morale you know how good it would be for their morale if they got through to

the World Cup in the midst of like they need every like uplift of spirit they can get

and you're just there going no no we've got to get knocked out in the group stages or not even probably worse you're probably going to get beat off wales in the playoff final so you've got that you've got that to deal with before the corrupt world cup of the winter that is going to be in December during the season and during Christmas. Everyone's already got stuff on. Aye, we're busy. Yeah, I can't imagine.

For people that hate football, that must be so fucking annoying because that's the same thing when you spend with your family. Imagine you're a wife, you don't particularly like fucking football at all. You've got three kids, they're into it.

It's sometimes only one person in the family that likes football. It's Christmas time, you like Christmas. It's time you get to spend with your fucking family. I'm going to watch the game. Fuck, we're going to go see Santa, motherfucker. We've got shopping to do, we're going out to the shops. How many cunts do you reckon? What percentage of fans at the World Cup are going to be dressed as Santa?

Do you think that's going to be a thing? 100% 100% which which mad by the way in the middle of a fucking guitar in a fucking big fat set up doing it for the laughs but

yeah do you want to know what else is going to be planned? there's going to be so many dead Santas there's going to be so many dead Santas there's going to be I never thought I'd say this but there's going to be so many dead centers there's gonna be so many dead there's gonna be i never thought i'd say this but there's gonna be so many uh floating centers in the arabian sea because they've ran out of hotels and they're pulling up cruise ships too it's for the fans to stay on but like it's going to be mixed fans on cruise ships imagine

imagine like being at a host like a game that's like closely fought and all that there's a little bit of hostility there might have been a fucking dubious sending off and all that right and normally you would get like the the fans the away fans would get separated the home fans would get like or shut out and then they'd be like like on derby day or whatever this is a convoy imagine they're just going all right board that boat and we'll just float it out into international waters and just sort it out amongst yourselves. Clearly you didn't like the way the game ended so do it men to men, woman to woman and here's a

knife for your children so there's just so much shit going on with this Qatar World Cup

with the fucking Saudis taking over Newcastle are you telling me there's a potential that there's

going to be a boat load of English fans like at the World Cup and if so is Qatar

too hot for icebergs? Is it definitely too hot for icebergs? Can you rent icebergs? Can we tow one down? How do you think it would be if the Qatari tourist board

didn't read the room and put the tartan army in with the with the English fans on a boat? Do you think you should just drink together I'd hope so

because like you know I've been at rugby games of England Scotland and man you're sat beside the fucking English fans

and it's alright they sing their song you call them names you sing your song they admit that it's quite good and then you drink and you walk

because you say that but I once tried to buy an England top in the Glaswegian JD Sports and I thought I was going to die well I still think that's the most mental thing you've ever done

in your fucking life it was very funny the girl's response I couldn't believe you would say that I had to go against

all my better parenting instincts the other day and had to drown my son oh yeah

aye you had to dunk him under the water not just dunk him because that's

what we've been doing in swimming class you had to hold him under not even

hold him under you had to put him under water, down at your fucking thigh, and then just let go. And just... But he's three months old, man. And, like, they keep doing this thing,

and I understand it's important to do, where before you go put them under, you go, your baby's name, so you go, Caelan, are you ready? And then teaching them about consent making sure they get ready to

prepare that this thing's about to happen man this cunt I love him he doesn't know his own

name he doesn't know his own name man he's at this stage right where he's

found his hands and he loves his fingers so much and all he does is

spend all day doing a Kate Moss impression right because he just he just

all he fucking he doesn't know what right because he just he just all he fucking he doesn't know what's happening he just he knows he gets fingers in his mouth and he just keeps making himself gag and we're like motherfucker stop it and he's just like like what are you doing so he's just chewing his fist the entire time and the guy's like okay you ready to put your son on and I'm like Caelan are you ready he's like making himself? And I'm like, Caelan, are you ready? And he's like... Making himself... And I'm like, do I have to do this now? He's like, he's never going to be ready. I'm like, I don't think I should do it.

When he's opening up his fucking windpipe himself. He's got it pried open with his fingers. He's like, I want to get as much chlorinated water in this system. Go. What would you do if you went kill now you're ready and he grabbed his nose like Elliot Steele I'd hold him under

I'd fucking hold him under alright so I mean Cara's got the video right and it's just me looking at the camera

shaking my head just going I want to do this and this happy little boy he's chewing his fucking fist and you're like there he goes and you put him under and man they they do float but matt there's never been a longer three seconds i kind of imagine because like imagine you just as some fucking like what's the opposite of miracle? What's when it's bad?

Travesty. Right? Just by some disaster, right? Something went fucking hellishly wrong. As you dunked him under, and when he floated you up, there was trouble, and you needed to resuscitate him, and the paramedics came, and whatever it worked out as, right? How would you even explain that?

Oh, the man sent a dunk him under the water and let go. He's like, is he drowned? And your boy drowned. If he went off, throw him into that fire. What would I do? Is that next week's class? He's going to dunk him

in the water after that. Everyone did. And he came up, he came up, he was definitely, he didn't cry and I think that's because he had a lung full of fucking water

but he was there. He doesn't enjoy swimming yet and I don't think any of this is helping yet. But it's definitely worth it because I've seen videos. There's a great one I saw, I think it's so funny. This one-year-old kid, if that, is at the side of a pool and her mum just goes by and goes, boop, pushes the kid in. The kid's not fucking expecting it, but gets into the water, like,

starts kicking his legs, rolls over onto her back, like, takes two big gulps of air, then goes back onto her, doesn't use arms, by the way. Like,

it's just, it's just their legs. They're just, like, a little fucking, like, you know, you know when tadpoles aren't frogs yet,

but they've got the back legs? Yes. That's a great analogy. Because I've seen that, like, working at the sports center all them years, like, but they've got the back yes that's a great analogy because I've seen that like working at the sports centre all them years like life gone you would see like

babies that could just like look like babies but like one or whatever like two but it's I think it's such an important thing to teach kids

but you hope they never have to use it like I'd you know you never want to I can't imagine anything fucking scary imagine you own a pool

right and for a minute you own a pool, right? And for a minute, you turn your fucking back, right? And the kid's gone, and you've run outside, right? And you're relieved as fuck, right? Because your kid's just sat on the end of the pool, dripping wet. You're like, fucking thank God for those glasses. Yeah, yeah. And it's also really good that even though you're doing that shit

that you feel like doesn't connect with a kid, you're like, oh, okay, now you're ready, and then dunking them under. By the time he becomes sentient with it all, it's all going to be normalised. And they're always, because I never, when I used to teach swimming, I never done the baby classes and stuff, right? I was like this woman, Val, who used to always do the baby class. She was like the head of the teaching thing. But we would do them as kids, and it was so much easier to teach the kids that had

been in the water as babies being water babies and one of me one-to-one lessons was a nine-year-old who hadn't had his head under the water and it was like so hard to just because I would normally just teach the technique of swimming yeah and all of a sudden, I've got someone who's quite grown, and I'm teaching them to get water on your hands and pretend you're washing your hair, and now rinse the shampoo off your hair. And you would normally do this for a three-year-old, right? Because you're baby-voicing it.

And you're like, now blow bubbles in the water, and you get these little egg-flip things. And you blow bubbles in, and it'll flip it over. So it gets them to put their chin in the water. So you just do all these little techniques with kids to get them under and then when you're

doing it with a nine year old it feels dead patronising and the kid's like just as scared as a three year old that hasn't been a water baby might be but they're way more

self conscious about it too it's always like the longer you leave it the harder it is I don't think I doubt I think so early on you've just got to

put your kids into positions where you go alright I don't want you doubt i think so early on you've just got to put your kids into positions where you go all right i don't want you to be scared of any of these things it's like i mean i've said it before kaylin's and cara's good at it she's not allowed to react to spiders in front of them yeah right she's not allowed to at all what she has to do is like fucking put her hand up in the air or remove herself from the room and text me and be like there's a fucking spider she does not get to pass that on it's the same thing with don't want to be scared of roller coasters don't want to be scared of water and don't want to be scared of like vegetables i vegetables that's another one i and he will be because you're like um you're like

a cat with a cucumber aren't you if you see a cucumber i've seen their videos where they must have some like inbuilt instinct that it's a snake yeah and they just freak the fuck out that's what you all like with veg well I mean

cucumbers are fucking I don't know cucumbers are just water they just taste like water so why am I eating it then I'll have a cup of water just do that then fine

it's all present today it's just I do well look I wish I liked salad I'll make sure that he likes all he could have had a horse Fine It's all present tonight It's just I Well look I wish I liked salad I'll make sure that he Likes all He could have had a horse

I don't want to show you A dry bread this morning Look at you sleeping in I don't want him to be scared Of cats or dogs Because And this is a Horrible opinion to have

But I can't Fucking abide people That are scared of dogs man Aye Like That That I don't think I mentioned that are scared of dogs, man. Aye. Like... That...

I don't think I mentioned it on here, did I? I didn't mention about when Peggy ran into the kids' playground. Like, not even playground, like AstroTurf football. Right? So I'm walking, doing... Routing Glen Park. And Peggy just fucking... He has some kids and runs up the hill.

And she's not in the lead or anything, but I'm in the park, so it's grand. But she runs, like, he has some kids and runs up the hill and she's not in the lead or anything but I'm in the park so it's grand but she runs like kind of through this fence and up the hill and normally

I would like call her bluff and keep walking and she'll eventually catch up with us because I didn't know what was up that hill like it could be a road

or anything I was like fuck I can't just take a risk when I go in here and I walked up to the top of the hill to keep an eye on her and call her

and I recall it was inconsistence but she knows what I'm saying so she looked at us weighed it up and went nah and carried on

walking towards where the kids were making noise and it was like under six football training right and just as they're

about to close the door Peggy manages to get in and thinks every kid with a football is playing with her so she's kicking the ball around right

and I just go in at first I say oh could you grab her the guy goes just right by right by his feet oh could you grab her the guy goes just right by right by his feet oh could you grab her she had a harness on

so you can just grab her by the harness and he just like looked like vacuous about it and then I come in to try and get her and then the coaches

there's three coaches just start attacking each other as if I wasn't even there so I couldn't even like oh what am I like oh my like they just were just totally fine

with me running running trying to catch Peggy in this astroturf full of about maybe 12 young'uns trying to kick a ball and she was running up to them

because she thought they wanted to play and some of them were terrified like there was one or two of them that were like ah ah ah

and I'm just saying oh fucking grow up grow up man but saying that they could have had like a bad experience with the dog of course

there's very very like fucking legit reasons for the for the for trauma or you don't have a relationship with dogs but just

you know keep introducing them to them keep keep them around and and

keep them meeting dogs I just I was a bit of a fanny with dogs growing up but only because there was some fucking killer dogs

on me council estate yeah those fucking like Dobermans and fucking Rottweilers and big German shephards that fucking

just barked at the fences you walked by and they did look like if they got out they'd fuck you so I always

had this like healthy just wariness with dogs. I guess also the fears are fucking illogical half the time. But I just have been scared of big-ass fucking dogs. You don't know what they're going to do. They've got big, sharp teeth. But aye, if you're scared of Peggy, like...

Aye. If you're scared of Peggy, your parents haven't done a brilliant job, I think. Nah, not at all. Something up there like there was you know it's there's there's been other forms of trauma in your life um so i anyway like peggy's run run to these kids and i've never been more mortified in my life because i'm running around like a kid's play area essentially with a cute puppy i just felt i felt like i looked like a nonce and you know what the coaches could not give a fuck they're like oh it's just this fucking strange middle-aged man running around with a fucking cavapoo with all these six-year-olds who are just gonna act like it's not happening

it took us fucking ages to get her now because she was so excited by like those kids to play away, those fucking balls kicking around and she's pretty nimble. I was like, chicken chaser.

I'm trying to think what other things I wouldn't want my son to be afraid of, scared of. I don't want him to get the heights thing

from me. You know what, and I know you probably can't choose this, but I'd love it if I had a kid that they didn't, like, cry and try to cling to you if you passed them on to someone that you trust. You know, if I'm just like, oh, here's your grandma, or here's your Uncle Daniel, and I don't want to have a kid that'll be like

ah ah and like I know you probably and your instinct will be to get them back yeah because you're like you don't want them

to be scared like that yeah but I don't know I'm not a dad I don't know what the what the route is to not have that but I'd love to have a kid

that was like sociable here's my tip fucking hold them underwater for about three to four seconds and they'll not mind when you pass them on to other people they'll to four seconds and they'll not mind when you

pass them on to other people they'll be like this fucking god unbelievable yeah I think that's just

well I mean we just you know I think you just got to leave them on the floor heaps and just go because you know you can't

be holding them all the time yeah you've got shit to do they've got clothes you need to feed yourself you need to look after yourself you need to you know, you can't be holding them all the time. Yeah. You've got shit to do. They've got clothes. You need to feed yourself.

You need to look after yourself. You need to, you know, get washed, get changed yourself, unpacked together. And sometimes you just wash it. You just leave Caleb on the floor and he'll occasionally go,

ah, like, buddy, we're still in the room. Over here, but you're fine down there. Just, we love you,

but not not holding you all the time it's funny noticing how much Cara's won't let him cry compared to you oh yeah so like her

her standards for baby safety and my standards for baby safety are very different things like I I picked him up by his ankles the other day

just held him upside down because I'm just like man you're gonna he's slowly like being like chucked up in the air like he's getting used to I down right because I'm just like man you're gonna he's slowly like him being like chucked up in the air like he's getting used to I'll make fucking airplane

noises just trying to you know get him used to fast movements and stuff because he's getting better control yeah she got worried when I give him a belly bump he would

track a raid it was like not even on the farmer's field it was on the dirt track yeah so she which is man it's I'm glad I think that there always should be one at either

side of the fucking spectrum of it yeah on the opposite i cannot listen to that child cry for anything more than four or five seconds like it just uh there's a problem i need to fix it yeah yeah like oh the other i don't know why i don't know why the fuck she did this. But she was driving back from somewhere and he was in the back of the car. And man, he fucking hates the car when it's stationary. This kind of hates traffic. He fucking hates traffic.

Second the car stopped. I feel him. Yeah. I don't know how he knows this early on. Yeah. But he'll just shriek and cry and cry and then like wind himself up to the point where like he's actually fucking crying.

Like to the point where if I'm ever in the car with him my seatbelt's off and I'll throw myself in the fucking back and I'm there soothing him different seatbelt on calming him down

she's driving back for fucking Sainsbury's or whatever he's well in the back and she phones me and goes listen to how upset he is I'm like

this is hell like why there's nothing I can do here like come back and tell me this story of how much you fucking cry. As opposed to,

can you hear how sad he is? Oh, yeah. Real hard. I'm like, pull over the car. Pull over the car. She's like, I'm not pulling over the car. I'm two minutes away from home. And I'm like,

pull over the fucking car and soothe your son. Nah, cry me a river. Aye. I mean, she is right. She's like, you know, you can't be scared of traffic. Because like I said, there's certain things that they need, right?

They need fed, they need that. That would change, it might be too hot or whatever. But like if you're driving home in the car, you've got other pressing issues. And now you've got a complaint, and we'll deal with that in a minute. So you're like, you might have to cry for like 10, 15 minutes until we get back.

I think I'm with her on that one. I think she's right. But then again, like I haven't heard my own child cry, so I can't. It's a real instinct. Well, I'm also on that one I think she's right but then again I haven't heard my own child cry so I can't it's a real well I'm also worried about like so you hear so much about sleep training

and like when they get to the point of you know you just leave them upstairs and there's all these fucking debates about whether

you just let your cry sorry your child cry for 10 minutes and then let them get past that and realise that crying doesn't get you what you want. Also, this thing

isn't scary and you've just wound yourself up here. Like, you've not been abandoned. And you'll be fine. And there's other people who'd be like, that actually causes trauma in children from a young age, but there's actually very little evidence for it. But people have got all their fucking opinions. And I'm very much

the one where I'm like, in my head, I'm like, just leave him and let him cry him out but don't put the baby monitor on because if he's crying i'll cry and i'll go up and get like i'm just going to put him upstairs and we'll let him cry but just don't let me hear it because i don't it was funny when you had the baby monitor the other day and i could hear you both both crying. Man. Big shout out to whoever came up with the song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. What a good bloke that Orchek that was. That soothes like a motherfucker.

You have to sing it over and over and over and over and over again. You don't realise man, nursery rhymes are just four lines. They're just four lines. You have to just start singing slower otherwise you'll go fucking man nursery rhymes are just four lines they're just four lines and you like you have to

just start singing slower otherwise you'll go fucking mental is baby shark the new modern day nursery rhyme yeah because also

baby shark you can just you can change the words to whatever it is because I just sing Caelan Stoss do do do do do

Caelan Stoss do do do do do Caelan Stoss do doan's lost Caelan's lost Shit his pants He's a twat That you just do Mums are

Slut Dwarf tear pants You also got the Caelan's got his willy out song Caelan's got his willy out Scream and shout Scream and shout Caelan's got his willy out song Caelan's got his willy out Caelan's got his willy out scream and shout scream and shout Caelan's got his willy out

it's because he used to when he I mean I've told this but when he was born he fucking hated getting his

nappy changed unless you gave him like a foot massage so I was always just being like a French butler of foot massage

while you shit sir and then he would wail and wail and that was when he would do the being murdered in my own sir and then he went wailing wailing that was when he was doing the wailing killing

being murdered in my own home and being murdered so that was a bit for a while and I just started singing the Cairns God's Willow song and I don't know

what it is but like he's got no he loves when I change him right it's just no problem because he knows

the song's coming right and the second he starts singing the song he gets fucking excited he's coming and the second he starts singing the song he gets fucking excited he's like it's got his Willie out song

and it distracts from the act of murdering him yeah and then it gets him into like a better head space where he's like oh every time I hear this song it's fine

and I'm safe and it's good and sometimes he doesn't like when Canada changes him sometimes he doesn't like when his grandparents change him sometimes

and still they until they start singing that song and that's great there will have to be an age until they start singing that song. And that's great. There will have to be an age where we stop singing that song. Oh, yeah. There you go.

Otherwise he'll be singing it in nightclubs. Gail has got his willy out. Scream and shout, run! I don't know I want more of my friends to become parents because

mine is just becoming a parent is just I just sing songs all the time nonsense songs about and I want to know

if that's a condition that everyone gets oh fuck aye I date with Peggy yeah I date with my dog Peggy's got her big cunt out Peggy's got her big cunt out

Peggy's got her big cunt out screaming show I feel like it's stuff that like you do on your own but you just don't allow yourself to do it

yeah like well cause I mean you're never gonna be embarrassed in front of your kid

like you're just not going to you embarrassed in front of your kid. Like, you're just not going to. Right. You know, the idea of people, you know, being embarrassed for doing something with you, I don't think I'd ever be embarrassed by doing something with my child. So I'm like, are you singing in a really tone-deaf,

yet high-pitched voice, weird songs that you made up about your little Willie? And I'm like, obviously. Did I say little? You said little. We think he's got quite a big baby cock you think that Cara said it

not me I've not seen heaps of baby cocks I wish I didn't have to say this but I've seen bigger on babies though no no right

on my mates I've seen bigger baby d right on my mates I've seen bigger baby dicks on my friends right that was so funny when you just randomly

you randomly showed us killing a dick on a photo I was just sat with you you know like that and I just think

oh is that killing as if it might be as if it might be anyone else I think it's a fun thing because they just go around and just make people

criminals be like hey have you ever committed a crime no me never you fucking nonce there you go of that

does that make you feel because I tell you what that cheers me right up reminds me of a song I sing oh it's been dead cute I've been watching you I've been watching you

over the course of the last couple of days watching a video of Caelan laughing. Just on a cycle. You just think it's your go-to. Let's say what I was talking about before. I go to scroll Twitter, scroll Instagram, scroll back around.

You just got that video. Oh, it's just... Because he's finally... So we got the first laugh. And she's finally got it on video. Because he definitely knows when cameras are on him because he'll stop doing whatever he's doing because obviously you're giving him a full attention

and then suddenly you've got something in your hand and he's like, I like stuff in hands, what's that? And you're like, oh, fuck. That's actually a strange thing. That must be a weird thing because, you know, like what babies are taken in of the world, they're always just taken in this like kind of glass. Yeah.

Glass object is kind of just like there and like they don't know people are holding it around it's just moving around they don't know what that is they just know that is just a staple of life is that this camera's just in your face and that's why i mean it's it's really hard to do but we do try to i'm like we can't be like if you're on your phone in front of caitlin face him the other way and like do it down there i just make it so that there's this like mysterious thing that adults play with it's not like the center of the universe i mean i mean no doubt it will become the center of his universe because you know it's the center of most people's universe i don't think we're gonna get fucking less addicted to our phones i think it's just like

you need to teach them control and and uh not not to get not to mindlessly scroll when they're young i'll not hopefully i'll not give them any social media until you know you can set it up themselves well yeah until he's old enough to be able to back himself up in fights I love that if you want to get like any photographs of me from the age

of like when I was born you've got to go to your creepy neighbour you've got Peter Terry you've got to go in a biscuit tin

under my ma's bed aye not the other biscuit tin oh yeah be careful which biscuit tin you might end guy in a biscuit tin under my ma's bed aye not the other biscuit tin oh yeah be careful which biscuit tin you're going to be you might end up with a biscuit it's just when your dad's

doing a good job a victory biscuit she just leaves crumbs to her pussy like that's my crap digestives i'w pwysau fel hyn. Digestifau? Yn fawr, mae'r holl ffotograffau fy nghyd yn ysgrifennu ffotograffau. Felly, mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen i ddweud, mae gen Facebook and just scroll back and they're just there for the world to see it's like every single photograph of a kid's been published

I wouldn't have to retrospective consent tribunal in the future that stops you being able to date where somebody's just like I didn't want all of these photos of me online, why have you shared all of my fucking data with everybody before I'm even fucking old enough to

click the box. But I think the defense of every parent is, as your parent, it's my fucking right to embarrass you whenever I want until you're 18. That's absolutely my right. Man, that's one of the reasons why I had kids because I loved you know, when I was growing up

and I would find my parents embarrassing and be like, you're not cool. And my parents would be like, do do you think as a 13 year old you're in charge of what's cool you little fucking loser do you think your opinion on cool matters to anyone else in the fucking world you 13 year old nobody

we made Sean's dad fucking had his crack up because every time Sean brought a lass home right he's like opened his room

or whatever and then whenever she goes home he goes to the bottom of the stairs and he's like nah this is gonna happen our shoes are full of gravel

nah this is gonna happen he's just like he'll get again such a weird weird he'll get again it's the thing after a night doing a February's brought last

one it's amazing speaking of dads should we do some dad jokes let's do it wrap up the

pod we're going to be in Germany next week if any of you are German Daniel's going Shall we do some dad jokes? Let's do it. To wrap up the pod. We're going to be in Germany next week. If any of you are German, Daniel's going to take ice cream for the Jews for a spin in the homeland. Yeah, let's see. He tried it out in Austria. They thought it was very funny, but that might be a neighbour thing.

Yeah, well, as if the Austrians had a fuck all to do with the Nazis. So what did you do for the Nazis? Oh, you know, we flew over to Europe and sacrificed, you know, 300,000 men to the beach of Normandy to kill the Nazis. What about the UK? What did you do? Well, you know, we joined in with America on that front. We did our best to fight them, you know, in the years before America even fucking joined in

killing the Nazis and going through and ending the concentration camps. Austria, what did... What did you do when you found out that Hitler and the Nazis were coming to Austria? You bought adults back!

Yeah, we provided... He's one of ours! He provided you with a leader. They celebrated when the Nazis rolled through fucking Austria. Did they? Yeah.

Threw flowers at them? Aye, fucking... Rolled out the red carpet. Not all of them, but the ones that didn't celebrated when the Nazis rolled through fucking Austria did they yeah threw flowers at them I fucking rolled out the red carpet not all of them but the ones that didn't are dead now your dad once licked his thumb

and went to smush a bit of dirt off me brow so I knocked him clean out fair enough your dad rides the bus to meet people no that's the worst type of cunt he rides the bus does he get to meet people? Oh. No. That's the worst type of cunt.

You ride to the bus? Just to meet people. To meet his friends? No, no, no. To meet people on the bus. Oh, right. I thought you meant to get to a rendezvous. No, no.

Is it like just, where are you going? Hey, just, just whatever. Just, I'll go to the end of the line and I'll just talk to people on the bus. Gross.

Aye. Your dad blows his nose straight after wiping his bum to get two uses out of the toilet roll. Your dad has a string on his back and if you pull it he sings Sunderland chants. I'm going to cut that thing straight off

when I get home. Home, only for me dad. Your dad flushes his teeth With his thong Before he takes it off It's part of his routine At the strip club All the coins fall out Everyone thought that was his cock

Your dad uses chewing gum As a bookmark So silly. He's got a Kindle. Your dad sometimes holds his nose, puffs his cheeks out and just floats off. I'm in a huff. He's jumped off out the window.

I come home. Mum, have you and dad been fighting? Look at the ceiling. He's just up there he's body dangling like a bit of string off a balloon like fucking Veronica wants her face from

Charlie and the Chocolate Fun Brooke Assault sorry that's it your dad uses your dad uses his library card to cut coke

so he can read faster. Your dad bent down to tie his shoelaces and accidentally tied them to the toggle of his hoodie and he tried to stale it out by just walking like that. Your dad sucks his thumb at the football. Somebody's got to. If he doesn't Who will? Fifth point Oh

I forgot to press record It was a nice chat Right