Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Call a Gynaecologist

Episode Date: January 26, 2022

Muggins spends a week just him and the dog while Cream is instructed on his new job as gooch masseuse. They give recommendations and brutal criticisms on some games, books and telly before deciding what art they'd like to be good at if they couldn't do comedy.

Hiya podcast listeners Thanks for listening To another podcast Another episode of Sloss and Humphreys On the road In this week's Episode We talk about things

For a period and there's There's laughs Very exciting episode because at once Kai acknowledges one of my funny lines and actually laughs at it, like all the way through. And then proceeds to act like that doesn't happen most episodes. Which is nice.

You know, better pill to swallow but still fine because it gave me the medicine I needed. And then obviously talked about pregnancy and stuff like that. You know what? We review stuff as well Oh we review stuff

Like a bunch of Fucking hypocrites I'll be honest I don't know why You listen to this Fucking shit But I'm glad you do So enjoy

Sloss and Humphries On the road Muggins and cream Creaming muggins Straight thugging Living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles

Tickling the clit Inside your head That makes you laugh Woohoo Ha ha ha They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack

Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Good morning Morning

I haven't seen you for a week It's the longest I've been without seeing you in a number of years. Oh, no way, that's not true. I was going to say, how lonely were you that you were just at home with your wife counting down? Being like, I've gone back the past five years and this is actually the longest I've gone without seeing. Actually, the loneliest I've been and really enjoyed it because I mean I say really enjoyed it I miss my wife she was in London

but just had to get that just in there that caveat just I have to yeah I've missed her hand on base me and doggo missed her

but what happened is she went away on Monday morning or Tuesday Tuesday morning got back Friday

and she was the last person I spoke to when I spoke to her next oh right on the phone or otherwise aye well Peggy I said person And she was the last person I spoke to when I spoke to our next. Oh, right. On the phone or otherwise. Aye. Well, Peggy. I said person.

Aye, okay. Oh, good. I'm glad you don't. I'm glad you're still not at the, you're not going to the level where you think Peggy's a person. That's good. You're still. I said she's not a dog anymore.

She's not a person. She's a fur baby. She's a being. Did you hear Maxwell's kid called a human a skin dog first call

dog a fur baby he was like does that make you a skin dog shout out to Flynn I think he listens to this so I just had the whole

oh it was Flynn That makes sense I thought you meant like His three year old daughter said that I'm like that's a really Fucking funny Like I couldn't even I couldn't even laugh at the joke

Because I was just like A three year old said that That's so Wow That's a muggle corner When When people put Facebook statuses Like my three year old

Got home and said Ma'am why are there So many homeless people On the streets when we have houses for the cause? Aye, aye. Your child did not say that. Yeah, and if it did, go and bully your child. Do us all a favour. You can't complain about there being bullying at school and then not do it at home.

What's the problem? Like, it's got to happen somewhere. Otherwise, there's no way we're going to kick this out. Peck at them just just aye peck

erm so I felt like erm what's the male word for widow is there a male word for widow

I think it's just a widow is it aye I thought widow was specifically er gender appropriate to women

erm or maybe now that you mention it but ok maybe I'm thinking like you can be widowed Specifically gender appropriate to women. Or maybe now that you mention it, but okay, maybe I'm thinking like you can be widowed if you're a bloke. No, is that true? It would be the madode. It's W for woman. Man madode.

I feel like I'm madode. Madode, no, madode is what happens when you leave a child in Portugal. That's what mad Oh thank god That needed a punchline That was some weak banter Until you saved it there Fuck me

Thanks man Oh wow For the first time He acknowledges it Jesus I was wondering How we were going to get out of that Fucking shit

That's dude I appreciate you I'm getting a dead. Fucking cheers, dude. I appreciate you. I'm getting a Ted Lasso. Watch Toon Star. I appreciate you. Let's Google what male widow is then. So I just had my dog. I couldn't watch anything

that we were currently watching because that's rude. That's one of the... Surely that's been... Oh, wait. He becomes a widower widower the equivalent name

for a woman whose husband dies is a widow so there's a aye so if your wife dies you're still wait that can't be true

when a man loses his wife he becomes a widower alright I would I thought like if you're dead you're also technically a widower because you made your wife

a widow aye yeah that's how that scanned with me aye and then that would make her technically a widow-ee, which sounds fun. Widow-ee sounds much more fun

than what it is. So, aye, I just had, me, the dog, like I said, you cannot watch stuff that,

even though we're watching Dope Sick, which we've finished now and I thoroughly recommend it, it's on Disney, and I thoroughly recommend after you've watched it, watch John Oliver's Last Week Tonight,

Opioids 3 on the Sackler family. It's like kind of what happened next. I think he actually might have made that before the series was made. But it's a really good add-on if you're still interested in the story and you want to know more about what happened to the Sackler family and stuff. Another name, the Sacklers?

The Sacklers, the evil fuckers that made Oxycontin and got the whole of America addicted to opioids. Aye. So, aye. Good business people, though. The best. See? The best.

See what you like about them? They even done really good business with the repercussions. Oh, did they? Aye. You know what? Good on them they even done really good business with their repercussions oh did they you know what good on them I always root for the little guy you're telling me this family run business

became multi oh yeah multi multi billionaires aye and they're gonna that's the American dream why are we angry

by the time they've paid off their repercussions like I didn't want to do spoilers for something that people may be watching

but this wasn't in the series this is what I like found out after is that they've managed there's no such thing there's no such thing as spoilers for real life that's what you

you can't be it'd be like by the way did you watch the news this morning two planes went into the World Trade Center spoiler

I was recording I haven't watched the news yet oh you fucking arsehole like if I started't watched The news yet Oh you fucking Arsehole Like if I started Telling stories About Escapade You're like

People might not Have seen Sicario Yeah Or the other one What's it called The one on Netflix Narcos That's what I was

Looking for Narcos Thank god you got that Because I knew You were wrong But I didn't know how And that's the most Annoying type of Being right there is

When you know Somebody else is wrong But you don't know The answer You don't know what you don't know what's right no i but you're like i'm right i'm right that you're wrong i'm not right about this discussion but i'm right that you're wrong which is more right than you are because you're wrong so still it's a type of victory and he was in so many things that i didn't know I didn't know the way each came And I didn't connect them for a while What, Vulture? Vulture is Michael Keaton

Sorry, I was talking about Narco Oh, sorry, right I was talking about the Narco guy, I should have probably said that But no, I knew who Michael Keaton is Batman, isn't he? But the Narco's guy, what's he called again? Pablo Pedro or something. Oh, the one in the TV series?

I've got no idea. Is he in anything else? Is he also the Red Viper? The what? The Red Viper. Oh, him. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. No, I did know that.

I think. Aye. So, like, I'd watched Narcos and seen Game of Thrones and there was, like, another couple of things where I didn't know it. And he's also the Mandalorian. Yeah, and he's the Mandalorian, yeah. God, we're in our 30s. oh i i've got i'm gonna bookmark this you said something on the last podcast which i haven't fully listened to it yet because i listened on the way here and i'm halfway through

that confused me for a solid second there i'm like you're on the podcast no no call him that made us realize how old you are which made me feel old right but first up wilson fisk is also edgar from men in black i knew that the the skin suit yeah right and also private pile from full metal jacket i've not seen for my name's private pile this is my rifle there are many like it but this one is mine he gets bullied and he gets like beaten the fuck with soap and a sock and the sock another sock but I've seen that clip but I've not actually seen the whole I like

I found that out through a meme a meme where it was like this guy's got range and it was like a handful of characters I didn't know who the fourth one was

I didn't know if I'd seen that oh he played he played the queen oh yeah did he in the crown yeah no which season

in the new princess Diana one not Claire Foy the one where what's her cunt from Twilight plays Which season? In the new Princess Diana one. Not Claire Foy. The one where what's her cunt from Twilight plays Diana. Who plays Thatcher? Her from Catatonia or something?

No, Thatcher's played by fucking Scully. Mulder. Whichever guy. That's right. Hold on. Just to get my logic. Who did I just say

the last from Catatonia? She sang Mulder and Scully's song What She sang the Wait there's no There's no song in the X-Files No no there's a song There's a song by Catatonia Doing a duet with someone else

Where they mention Mulder and Scully They're sleeping with the lights on. I'm butchering it. I'm butchering it, but Catatonia had done a song about Mulder and Scully. Scully was played by Gillian Anderson, and Gillian Anderson played Margaret Thatcher in The Crown. So then I went, oh, I hear from Catatonia.

God, it's infinitely less funnier when you explain it anyone enjoy that frog being dissected also showing your workings for why you're wrong yeah yeah it's ensuring you're working it's showing you're not working i'm showing you right now how i'm not working this is how i got confused just say you were wrong no no no i'll explain the reasons why i was tricked into being wrong by myself. This is when I realised how old you are. You, when you were paintball,

used one of them machines where you crunched the card and it prints the card onto the paper. That is a relic. Yeah, oh yeah. But man, it was a relic then. It was a relic then, but the reason it existed

was because I think some form of the... Well, man, a chipping pen definitely existed because I had a card for it, but there was no way up in the fucking highlands that you were ever going to get any form of signal. Get signal, right. So yeah, it was just a... Oh, yeah, but man, when I saw it then,

when I was 16 years old, I had no idea what it was it was just a oh yeah but man when I saw it then when I was 16 years old I had no idea what it was did you have fountain pens in school no because I didn't know if that was

because even at the time it felt like who the fuck uses a fountain pen but I thought you have a wee fucking wait are you telling me you had a wee inkwell in that so hear me out

and I've done a little bit of stand up about this back in the day which I'll remind you of because you might forget about it it was never on me club set

but I did it on Edinburgh show right so the fountain pens had cartridges and you'd buy cartridges and that's a fucking disaster giving fucking a bunch of school kids

ink cartridges just fucking put a thing in them squirt them on your mates you're chewing them and all that you end up with fucking blue lips

and then I just end up with a blue aloe on my dick off my mates them and all that you end up with blue lips oh jesus and then i just ended up with like blue aloe on my dick off all your boy mates who just like slapped aloe on my dick so uh those inkwells in the desk right but we never used them they were there they were just there and this is the this is the bit that I turned into stand-up in my 2015 show, is I was talking to my dad about that, making me feel old. And my dad was like,

oh, we used to use the inkwells when I was in school. Like, they weren't a relic for me. That was like where you dip your feather. And he was like, in fact, I would get into school early and I'd have to fill the inkwells up for everyone. I was like, oh, no'd have to fill the ink wells up for everyone I was like oh no my dad's the ink bitch oh no

Kev's an ink bitch that's the bit that's the bit I enjoy that that's good oh no my ma shagged the ink bitch it wasn't called something

like that back then it was called like something I don't know what the The 40s term for bitch was Wench The ink wench The ink wench The ink trumpet

I find it funny that The word bitch is still the word for female dog Aye I just like Someone's like Oh is it a bitch To put me dog I'll be like

It's just fucking lovely lass She like, oh, is it a bitch? To boot me dark. I'll be like, it's just fucking lovely, lass. She is a bitch though. She is a bitch. She's a fucking stone. Aye. She's a bitch before coffee. So the relic of my life was the fountain pen.

I used a fountain pen in school. No, we just, I can't. Did you ever use a checkbook? Yes. And you used to keep the little stubs in order? No, we just... I can't. Did you ever use a checkbook? Yes. And you used to keep the little stubs in order. Yeah, I remember.

Yeah. Did you ever get the... I mean, everyone got these. I know you did. Did you ever get the exciting day where the book van would turn up? Oh.

Book lorry. Yes. And you just... You get taken out class by class and you just get to what and and before you never give a shit about books it was such a brilliant way to make kids love book because you're like i don't want to fucking read i'm fucking seven i want to go outside and play outside and then you get to leave class and go into this big bus that's also a library you're

like well this is transformers this is unbelievable this is and you would be so excited to buy all the fucking books get your weird razors hang them or crush his head do that Steve with your blue lips it's cold nothing to do with the ink it was your generation

I found out I found out the other day one of the kids from my primary school who was like back when we were like seven or eight who was definitely like he was were like seven or eight, who was definitely

like he was bullied and called gay all the time. And obviously none of that's right, but kids are bastards doesn't justify it, but only as an adult. Like, I was really horrible when we went through. He is gay. I have the shoe fits. So, you know, I feel less guilty. I feel less guilty I feel less guilty aye aye

but I meant that more in the sense of like when I first because I went on like because I've not been on social media for ages

I was on me I had to do some fucking after Christmas FaceTime call with my entire family but they could only do it through fucking Facebook so I logged on

and I gave myself half an hour before, but I was just like, man, you know what? I'm just going to go and just look at all the kids from, you know, who I grew up with and just see what everyone's up to.

Same other day. Just to make sure I'm doing fucking better than everyone, because that's important to me. And, and I found him, and I was like, oh, he's gay. Oh, good for him.

And he's married. He's got a kid. That's great. And I was like, oh, he was bullied for being gay. I'm like, oh, that was sad, but they were. You know what? Because if you're the gay person at school and you got bullied for being like, oh, he's gay. Oh, good for him. And he's married. He's got a kid. That's great. And I was like, oh, he was bullied for being gay. I'm like, oh, that was sad. But they were. You know what?

Because if you're the gay person at school and you got bullied for being gay, right? And you hadn't come out. You didn't even know you were gay yourself yet. You're on a journey of self-discovery, right? And you get called gay. You'd be like, how did the know? Was I giving something away? And you're like, oh, no, we guessed for everybody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were. We guessed everybody was gay. Yeah, we're just bastards. We're horrible kids. It's not that nine-year-olds have gay doors. No, no. No, no, no.

We were just like, you accuse enough people, one of them's going to be. It's a numbers game. I wonder what the, you know, like, their kids are just more educated and more progressive now. And, like, times have moved on. Yes. Thankfully. Yes. There must still be a thing that like kids generically

slag their mates for what do you think it is because ginger was in there as well ginger will still be in there ginger's one for the ages that doesn't go do you think so

yeah glasses isn't as bad as it used to be I don't feel or is that just because it's not as bad now we're adults could it still be bad in the schoolyard

Yeah I don't know because I guess It'll still be I guess I guess it depends on what age range you're talking about Like I reckon kids are still bullied for being fat But like they're also Like I think it's just There's a certain type of person that becomes a bully

And there's those that just won't Aye they'll just find You, they'll just find... You think they'll just find anything? Aye, aye. And I think they'll always be. I just... I can't imagine that, like, bullying in school hasn't been combated

to a point that it's way better than it was for... Oh, I definitely reckon it's way better. The 80s and 90s. Aye. Aye. But now you can do it online and get people to kill themselves, so... Aye, that's... Like, that's way more efficient. Like now you can do it online and get people to kill themselves so

aye that's that's way more efficient like you can talk about your fucking 80s oh they threw me they threw me into a well or they fucking

tried to drown me in the sea or they whatever all your fucking poverty that's a level World War 2 stories but like it

was your kid mercilessly bullied online from like an attack from like seven different kids, like a SWAT team, and then neck themselves? And the answer is no.

So we've also got better at bullying, I would say. Everything gets better. And this is just the pensioners being like, oh, weed was so much stronger back in my day. Shut the fuck up. No, it was no, no. Oh man, the pills we used to have, shut the fuck up, you dumb cunt.

No, it wasn't. You were just younger and weaker. Everything is better now. Oh no, the pills we used to do back in the 70s. Aye, alright, granddad, I bet they fucking were. Is that camera on, by the way? I didn't check. Is it on?

Yeah, why? Actually, I can't see the red light from here. Oh my god, I was just assuming you were making faces at it. I just had a panic that I went and got the memory card and didn't switch the camera on. No, you did went and got the memory card and didn't switch the camera on I lost the memory card last week

I apologise to our patrons who are funding this operation so you can have video footage and then I drop the ball but they know

what they're funding they know like I was thinking about this yesterday I can't remember why but I was just like

it still fucking bewilders me that we have like what five or six thousand people that listen to this regularly every episode Yesterday, I can't remember why, but I was just like, it still fucking bewilders me that we have, like, what, 5,000 or 6,000 people that listen to this regularly? Every episode on, it peaks at about 6,000 now on every episode on the free channel, right? And then an extra 5,000 to 600, it, like, fluctuates

depending on the subscription date. It's on about 570 at the minute. That's why I was thinking about it so that's 6500 and then some people watch it on YouTube about 500 people

watch it on YouTube also when it comes out on a Monday so it's about 7000 people listening to us swinging misses for every

now and again you save them I remember why I was thinking about it because Can I got a message off of somebody yesterday being like hey I know this is weird but I remember why I was thinking about it because Cara got a message off of somebody yesterday being like hey I know this is weird but I remember Daniel

mentioning on the podcast a while ago you knew the recipe for the Aberdeen council desserts and I used to go to school in Aberdeen can I get that recipe and I was like oh my god that's very oddly fucking specific and obviously she passed it I was fucking cracking on that's what it was there's a good community out there obviously she passed I was fucking cracking on that's what it was

there's a good community out there really like when I've chatted to them they've been absolutely class right but I feel like we've made them fear

getting in touch by calling out muggles for four years that I feel like people don't want to engage so much in case they're seen as muggles

I do notice that every time we ever we're ever like please write in and people are like I'm not fucking writing in you're like

no like please genuinely engage this time no no we've fallen for that one before I've seen what you've done to cunts not a chance they don't want to be lit up

they just want to quietly listen to it without being in the fucking in my sight lines and I'm I'm glad I'm glad for that because one of the worst comedy fans in the world, in my sight lines. And I'm glad for that because one of the worst comedy fans in the world,

one of the worst type, right, is ones who go, you can make fun of me. You can make fun, I'll sit in the front row, you can make fun of me. And you're like, oh, I don't want you in this any part of this fucking gig. I used to hate that when I would go and do the club gigs every now and again,

like somebody that was arranging a stag do would like find out the line up and then get in touch with us to try and give us dirt on the stag and I was like oh I don't want I don't want

I just want to do my job I don't want like I don't know is that what they think my job is yeah and also is that the job nah

nah it's like it's like constantly go hey coming to your show tonight it's my girlfriend's birthday is there any chance you'd shout out happy birthday motherfucker i play 3000 series it's always someone's birthday it's at least five people's fucking birthday in fact it's more than that because you know why because this was somebody's birthday gift this was a lot of people's birthday gifts um it's not a fucking Chuck E. Cheese's

I'm not reading out a list of and happy birthday to this person. It's not half time at a fucking football game. Put a sparkler in one of me jokes. What was it? The shrimp place, Bubba Gump? Where you got fake birthday by Brett Vincent and you were mortified.

Don't leave Barry's fucking name out of it. Barry. got fake birthday by Brett Vincent and you were mortified and don't leave Barry's fucking name out of it Barry that fucking wanker because the

company like sang to you but it was like I don't know but

I've been told yeah it was there's a real way like

some of them would sing one bit and some of them would sing the other bit

and they're like marching and stamping and fucking it's just it's a smaller it's a

smaller letter flash mob but it doesn't make my disdain for it any any fucking less I'm bored in my mind

because it's all my life is is just like being a tag team

partner and but like your tag team partner is unconscious in the middle of the ring and you're like just fucking tag me in

like I am fucking useless out here because Cara is doing 100% of you know the pregnancy yeah

but her body has not prepared for it at all at all like her titties have gotten bigger and that's obviously

for me yeah but her legs have put on no exercise oh so like she's walking around for it at all at all like her titties have gotten bigger and that's obviously for me yeah but her legs have put on no extra size oh so like she's walking around with all this extra weight

but she's getting no help supporting it she's just bumbling around I don't know if the rest of her body she's like Dr. Robotnik

yeah yeah man it's like somebody put two toothpicks in the bottom

of the potato and that's and they were like I don't know that's were like that's my wife that's my wife and the important thing is to tell them they look beautiful every day through critical

yeah but I've never seen a body prepare less for something inevitable it would be like as if right now her vagina was just like you know what

I'm going to get smaller for no reason you're like this is you're doing the opposite of what needs to be you'd think just looking up man when I

when I start having fun on tour and drinking and you know the life I've been living for the past year my legs go okay we're going to

we're going to we're going to get this guy around we're gonna get this guy around we're gonna walk up to the bar yeah we but we got to firm up the foundation here so you get thicker legs you get thicker ankles you get bigger ass nothing nothing no and it's and it's annoying for her because it's like she's the biggest she's ever been so she's obviously she doesn't like that but she's also just because she's a small person she's so small and man

women jealousy at small pregnant women is unbelievable you've got some who sends how did you

it is thinly veiled vitriol like that just like either women who are pregnant compliments sound

passive aggressive oh my god you're so small unblinking no but you're so small how far along eight months that's great good for you oh oh but like with more there's a knife behind their back because when i was when i was six months i was your size that's how you're so small. You're like, I have to, this woman's going to kill my wife and my baby. I still call her my wife just because I can't. Syllables we talked about last week.

Fiancé. You should do it with like a French accent. Fiancé. My fiance. No, Fiancé. Fiancé. Fiancé doodle.

Me and my old Fiancé do doodle here And then we've got another We've got another Anti-natal class today On it Titty feeding Does she have to massage Her perineum To prepare it

Well She's meant to I've got a friend Who was saying that They got advice To massage their perineum But it's also So

If you're a woman And you're massaging Your perineum. But it's also, so if you're a woman and you're massaging your perineum, you basically get two of your thumbs and you've got to kind of just jam them up your cunt and then like, sort of like that way, it's like smoosh, like you're kneading bread,

but from the inside, right? That's how it's got to be done. But then they're like, but you can also get your partner involved if you're still with your partner. And I'm like, absolutely. Like I would man

doctor recommended finger bagging I'd do that with a I'd do that with a boner this is fucking great this is like this is like your geography teacher being like and in today's class

we need to smoke marijuana for some reason you're like okay cool this is great I just get to you know help her in some way by massaging her

vagina but she's we've not we've not done it yet because it's the funniest thing in the world. Is that just delaying the massaging of the perineum? Well, I mean... We'll just do it the day before. Why? We'll do it during the contractions, man.

It'll be great. Well, we still will. I mean, who knows how long we've got. We should start doing it and it's always been a discussion. But I can't... You understand? I can't be

the one that goes let's go do i can't be it's got to be hard being like would you mind doing it now i need that i can suggest it but the more i suggest it the more i'm just going can we do the fucking thing with thumbs no it's the bloat you do with your fingies but you don't call them fingies because it makes

the whole place dry up and it's way harder I'm going to put my fingies near the ginghy for you doodle

you are ready to be a dad that's exactly how you talk to toddlers. All right, so you've just got to go in there like you're... Like you're doing heart surgery. Have you heard about this?

What, that's a new... Man, this is twice now I've heard about people getting, like, something with the heart done through keyhole surgery on their groin, and I just can't get my head around that at all. Have you heard of this? No. Man, people get heart surgery through their groin and I just can't get my head around that at all have you heard of this no man people get heart surgery

through their groin so wait are these men that say look I love you with all my heart I just in fact both accounts one of them was

my friend's daughter and another one was my in love there's a better person to that joke hold on tell me again

there's two people I know that have hold on tell me again there's two people I know that have had heart surgeries through their groin one was my friend's well look hey hey I've always said

the way to a man's heart is through his cock it's true but I'm just thinking like when you go in and you get checked out and you're like

oh your heart's like it's got a bit of a murmur and all that we're going to have to get you a clean and cautious yeah because you're in a fucking pussy.

If I went to the hospital, I'd be fired within three days because every time somebody came in with a minor injury, I'd just go send them to the gynaecologist. In through the groin. In through the groin, aye. No, no, just get the gynaecologist to be like, fuck, this is a big pussy you are correct like look

that's a he's barely even broken his toe like somebody comes in there's like a staple in their hand I just go I'm going to refer to

an expert and the gynaecologist comes up like oh this is the third time no no no that pussy is

it's not that's not and I'm like come on it's a funny bit I. And I'm like, come on, it's a funny bit. I'm working through the night and talking to Sloss.

I'm too busy and putting a strain on my relationship. Well, I'm going to have to refer you to yourself because you are being a big old pussy.

Hey, look, therapists need therapy sometimes. I get it, buddy. No, you've got trouble with anxiety

and depression I can't ever figure it out we're getting a psychologist and it's just yeah I can get him on speaker pussy I don't think that was a real phone call why do you have a radio

DJ's button just this happens a lot no you need to massage her perineum like like there's no tomorrow no like Ace Ventura

coming out of a rhino's ass you gotta do the two fingers and then like you gotta get right up aye and start start stretching it

but I mean it's all it's all gonna be a fucking man it's like waxing your car before a car crash. Are you, like, are you getting doing that and having a look around and just enjoying it? Well, at last. I feel awful. I can't rest my friend.

Well, not anymore. What? No, Fanny's absolutely... Look, if there's any Fanny's Absolutely Look if there's If there's any If there's any Fanny That can recover From childbirth

It's It's got That thing can take a fucking Beat She's had columns While you've been on the road Aye aye She can just

Man you can throw You can drop a fridge on her She'll be fine She'll be alright Aye Aye Pretty robust Aye she is

She made a sterner stuff With them northerners She's got a robust fingingi aye she's from Aberdeen and at the car at the Granite City

because of her vag nothing to do with the architecture car has pussy aye it's just hard as fucking nails but then again

but also it might come out it might come out the top it might come out her mouth you know she might just

wish it out armpit farted out yep we just don't know that's the thing after all these years we still know so little about pregnancy they may just get a heart surgeon to just pull it out to her heart it's just easier it's a bigger hole keep sending them to the wrong division oh she's complaining again get the gynaecologist I mean it's I'm just worried

about the whole thing it's going to get butchered you're worried about the whole thing like just the everything what worries you the most

about childbirth all of it I've stopped worrying about it now because I'm just desensitised man if it wasn't her going through I wouldn't be all of it aye yeah I've stopped worrying about it now because I'm just desensitised aye man if it

if it wasn't her going through there there's no I wouldn't be there there's no way I would be there if I saw a woman giving birth in the street

I would be like I am so sorry but no like I'm also not the guy stop that aye come on aye

aye be reasonable this is a shopping centre next you'll be wanting to breastfeed it in public calm down love nah I think it's I think it's a horrible horrible thing Aye, aye, be reasonable. This is a shopping centre. Next you'll be wanting to breastfeed it in public. Calm down, love. Nah, I think it's a horrible, horrible thing we do to women.

And, I mean, but also, here's another thing, and this is a joke that I could never get working on stage, so I'll bring it back out in the podcast, and I loved it as a joke, which is, I do, there's a small part of me that believes in the conspiracy theory that the reason there's midwives in the room

is just when they're up there talking to her they're just like just make as much noise as you possibly can they think it hurts

they think it hurts it doesn't obviously doesn't hurt why would it hurt everyone goes through it why would this be a thing that hurts but midwife

there's a flaw in your plan here I'm a coward with everything like he's seen me go through pain, I'm really bad at it Just scream Lose your fucking mind And you just get a bunch of sympathy in the future

And obviously doing the show You can just, all the women, just slowly start getting Their backups, rightfully so That's the purpose of the joke, is to antagonise them And then you just keep going And yeah, look, it doesn't hurt that much Have you ever, and I do believe this You've watched nature documentaries to antagonise them. And then you just keep going and yeah, look, it doesn't hurt that much. Like, have you ever, and I do believe this, you've watched nature documentaries,

you've seen giraffes give birth. You just drop out. They fucking moan about it the whole time. They come out like fully developed, trot off with their big, long legs and big, long neck. When was the last time you saw a giraffe go, Gash in air, gash in air gas in air can I do this in a lake can I

it's just gonna be better for me and the baby if I can do this in a lake can you can I get an epidural I don't know

where my spine is I'll be honest with you I don't know where my spine is down a bit down a bit down a bit down a bit down a bit down a bit down a bit

down a bit no that's still my upper back aye I mean cats and dogs regularly give birth to

seven eight of them you're doing it one come on be real does that hurt that much aye

be honest with you come on I've never seen one sheep need a single stitch. No. Well, except for when they're being turned into jumpers. Stock and stitch.

Obviously, for the purpose, that was a joke. That was a joke. Obviously, childbirth allegedly hurts quite a bit. I hope that's so funny that crossing your fingers means means I don't mean what I'm saying

but it also means I hope it's true aye oh used to be like you go to someone I've got cancer oh okay

fingers crossed fingers crossed fingers crossed yeah hope you feel better you're like wait wait you don't hope I feel better why

this is it's really misleading do you reckon those come from two different bits of history crossing your fingers two different cultures crossing your fingers

for I'm I'm fibbing oh it was like a German thing and then like crossing your fingers for good luck was like fingers for I'm I'm fibbing aye it was like a German thing and then like crossing your fingers for good luck was like an English thing

and then over the years we just interbred so much that it's now we're just fucking doing I don't know what to cross my fingers for anymore

aye who knows well the internet aye let's let's have an etymology of

it can't be still called etymology for an action if it's have an etymology of, it can't be still called etymology. For an action. If it's about an action. Oh, a little squeaky chair on the podcast just to show

high production value. What have you discovered? Oh, I mean, this was stupid. So if it's a good luck thing, obviously crossing your fingers is a Christian thing. But it doesn't even make the shape of a cross. It's just the same word. Also, what was lucky about that cross?

The cunt died. Aye. Like, I'm pretty sure if you ask, I mean, this is an old fucking well-trodden bit, but... To torture device? Aye. There's no way Jesus would be fucking thrilled if he came back to find out

that that was the logo everyone was using. Aye. Devastated. There's some pictures of him wearing a cross. You don't see Jews walking around with shower heads around their fucking neck. if he came back to find out that that was the logo everyone was using I'd be devastated there's some pictures of him wearing a cross you don't see Jews walking around with shower heads

around their fucking necks that would like it's just really incestive to one of the worst bits of their history I think was that was that a Bill Hicks

bit as well did Bill Hicks do a bit about something about JFK and wearing like a fucking gun around your neck did he

or something I'm not sure I think I've seen something like that. Well, I've definitely seen it done. Like you said, it's well-drawn. I think it's a... I can't remember whose bit it is. So that's crossing your fingers is like...

It's like a praying to God thing. Yeah. Then lying, but why would it... Oh, because I cross... Cross... Why would you say cross my heart and hope to die? Oh, that's got to be the religious thing, hasn't it? What a weird thing to say.

Cross my heart and hope to die. Why do you say that again? I can't even remember how you... Cross my heart and hope to die. Stick a something in my eye. Is that like to say that you're being true? Yeah. So it's like...

Remember I swear down? You used to swear down So it's like, remember Swear Down? You used to swear down. Oh, I swear down now. Swear down on me mother's life. Oh, I swear down. And then you're like, when anybody clicks on you, you're not superstitious at all

and you can just say that and get away with stuff. What have you got? Is this website called Today I Found Out? Yeah, feed your brain. I can't be arse reading. You ever do any fucking research and then you're just like, show it and make it bite-sized. I'm sorry, I'm part of that generation.

I'm just like, unless you can make... Unless it shows up in the Google search original paragraph box, I don't want to click on a link. Yeah, I'm not. I don't want to click on a link and read through an entire blog to get to the bit I need. I did last night when I said I finished watching Dope Sick, I watched the John to click on a link. Yeah, I'm not. I don't want to click on a link and read through an entire blog to get to the bit I need. I did last night when I said I finished watching Dope Sick. I watched the John Oliver thing on opioids because I wanted to do some further learning.

And then I saw one of the next things was John Oliver on Alex Jones. And you've mentioned him a bunch of times. And we were like, should we just find out who Alex Jones is? And I watched it. I was sort of, Alex Jones, what the fuck is that guy? The frogs are gay. Bad. There's stuff in the water

making the frogs gay. Buy my water filter. Aye. He's mental and he's a con artist and he's one of those ones where, like,

now that everything's coming back to haunt them, like all the lies they said, their thing is the Fox News defence of, oh, we didn't, I didn't i didn't

think anyone was going to believe what i was saying you're going that doesn't matter motherfucker you can't just spread fucking lies being like yeah but my lies were so outlandish nobody in their right mind could have possibly known there were lies this is my you knew what you were fucking doing and uh i found out as well through uh because i just went um watched a couple of them episodes and one of them was about misinformation and you know how now Facebook's getting a bit better

at like they used the example of the Kamala Harris getting a fake vaccine and she wasn't really getting vaccinated and then

Facebook was just like this is a lie right they've only done that on the English language and they're only like they're only filter

and fact check stuff in the English language and like 90 like the only filter in fact checked stuff in the English language and like 90% of people don't speak English aye so there's like so much misinformation going out

to every other country in the world that isn't being checked I think we're all gonna die and I didn't even check that information and I told you I just heard it from John Olivan

and went sure that must be what it is that's that then there's a good there's a good podcast which kind of touches On this

Called Into the Storm On BBC Sound Listened to that While I was retired While I was being a widow Aye When I was just

Walking my dog Around the streets Listening to that Really good Because That's really weaponised They really weaponised A large population

Of absolutely Mental people Absolutely Like crazy Fucking mental They were just like Oh these guys Think that there's a cult they really weaponised a large population of absolutely mental people. Absolutely, right. Crazy fucking mental people. They were just like, oh, these guys think that this is a cult, that, like, drink baby's blood, and, like, they thought they were the good guys.

Aye. They still do. So instead of just going, you guys are full of shit, can you keep this off the fucking political landscape, they went, this is a lot of voters. Aye. Let's feed into it.

And we'll give you one guess which party did that. We'll give you one guess. But Trump got elected because of it. So there you go. Into the Storm, it's called, on BBC Sounds. That's good.

So thank you for recommending that. And also thank you for recommending Arcane. Have you finished it? Because I finished Arcane while Natalie was away as well. It's one of the best things in the world And I just fucking

I thought it was stunning It's like a masterpiece It's like the artwork's amazing There's a character in it who's

unhinged and you get to kind of the first couple episodes you get to see you have to check your phone these days You're in the pocket.

Socket. Even though it's just in the room. Aye. I think she'd knock. What, you think she'd... She would or she'd send Colin out. Or just the cat. Aye.

Yeah, so there's a character, there's something of an origin story in the first three episodes and you kind of see how she got that way and then and then like you can the way they've used the animation element of it to show how unhinged she is and it just keeps like cutting the different like frames and different styles

it's fucking immense like I was just like I was just watching it like in awe it's just so well done the story's class the characters are class the animation's class aye it's just high

it's high end fantasy but even if that doesn't sound your thing I'd recommend giving it a go also I watched it when I was fucking completely and utterly

fucking sober and one of the first things that went through my mind was I was like I really want to watch this with a spliff and then on Christmas day I watched one of the episodes with my brother through my mind was I was like I really want to watch this with a spliff and then on Christmas day

watched one of the episodes with my brother Jack stoned as fuck and it was class so if you do partake don't get too stoned because it's like

man it's a really good storyline and it's very story yeah you want to keep up with it you want to pay attention but like if you're able to

put a little bit of haze on it getting a good level of stoned and give it a watch yeah really good and it's based on a computer game that I've not played

League of Legends was one of those is that one of the big esports games? yeah I think I don't know if it was like the one that kicked off esports but it was definitely one of the ones that made esports fucking huge it was the same people that did World of Warcraft

I'm pretty sure it's Blizzard and it's like a top down maybe it's not Blizzard so did they take pre-existing characters that had no real

narrative from a game and then give them a narrative no I think there was like especially it felt very

like Final Fantasy like that kind of world like that kind of technology meets magic kind of world like that kind of technology technology meets magic kind of I've just started

playing The Witcher oh no it's been released by Riot Games so oh yeah Riot I could have thought of that so I'm full I'm full of shit

anyway no but I think like Blizzard when they did World of Warcraft there's like you create the characters but then also you have to create the lore and the history behind it

and then there's books it's like how Star Wars has all those other fucking books I'm pretty sure like League of Legends spawned people that would write books and there was already lore there that they just sort of add to it

and the people at Riot Games who created the story probably just so you can go deep into that world aye aye and it's so well done I really wish I really wish they'd done

I really wish they'd approached Wheel of Time from the cartoon aspect as opposed to just making it oh yeah okay that failed you didn't it I haven't watched it yet

based on your don't don't it's utterly not worth your time like I'm still reading the books can you tell me what it was

and I'd put you off if I'm not going to watch it yeah it's just all bad man for the first the costume department is fucking

because I spoke to you like after episode 3 and you were all in yeah yeah yeah but I mean at the time I would have told you that the costumes were very fucking bad

like they are like did you buy that from Primark I'm meant to believe this is a fucking fantasy world the guy who's writing it Ralph Judkins

has not read the books or if he has read the books he didn't like them and he's gone like man you it's it's just such a fucking the reason game of thrones was so successful uh originally was because it was a really good adaption they didn't put everything in the books in there but they knew that there was this rich fucking world it was close to the books yeah but but man there was so much there that you don't need to add anything fucking to it

the world is there your job as a director and a writer is very easy bring it to life make all these characters as good as you can make them you can change the dialogue

obviously that's where you come in you're the writer but the story's there motherfucker and they've just destroyed the story they've destroyed

how the magic works like it's it's as different from the books as World War Z as to the movie World War Z how the magic works like it's it's as different from the books as World War Z as to the movie World War Z when you're just like

why did you name it the same thing but were both of them not good though like you can still no World War Z was a crap movie do you not like it

I haven't read the book but I thought the movie was alright no no I thought it was no but it was you wasted you wasted my time

for calling it World War Z you know like you just you fucking lied to me you brought me in with a lie you went I'm gonna do that thing you love

and then I came in I'm like this isn't the thing I love and they're like yeah but you're here so stay I said that with Dark Tower it should have just been

like different title based on the novel by Stephen King aye aye it's just it's shite I wish everyone who works

on Wheel of Time all the worst you did not even try to do your best, you were given a real chance to do something amazing and you could have been better than Game of Thrones because you had the ending there, an ending that everyone's satisfied with, you had all the shit

and you shat the bed and I fucking despise everyone who worked on it, like I'm really angry just at how bad it is. And do you think they're going to get commissioned for a season 2 yeah 100% 100% yeah and will you

watch it just out of no no no I turned off halfway through hopefully there'll be some kind of redemption

turned off halfway through the last episode so you haven't finished the episode no just not oh man the

CGI in it is fucking horrific it's like it's very badly done at many many levels I never got round to season 2 of Lock and Key

that was a bit of a let down it was alright as a series it didn't have the right feeling, it didn't have the right vibe it wasn't dark enough, it wasn't gothic enough it was too much of a teen movie I know from the internet

there's a lot of like people who are fans of the Wheel of Time books who the TV show the same as me and obviously when people when fucking nerds get up in arms

about something they love they become toxic fucking cunts and they become aggressive and sexist and all the other unnecessary things so like apparently

a bunch of the staff have been getting death threats which is obviously there's no excuse for but don't don't be like I don't know why I've been getting death threats uh which is obviously there's no excuse for but don't don't be like i don't know why i'm getting these death threats i'm like you like i'm like you do know no there's an excuse for it you shouldn't do it

i take your excuse i i i give you no permission to take action on that excuse what you're going through is unfair and it shouldn't be happening Nobody should be threatening your life Or your family's life Or your friend's life Just for a bit of work that you did That was your best That should never happen, right? But don't pretend you don't know what

You ruined something that everyone loved Because you thought you were better than it And that made people angry Angry until the point where they did something wrong And irrational and not okay but you don't deserve it but you did create it there was a way to not get them there was a way to not get them there is a there's a parallel universe where you're not being threatened and it's so if they want to do anything with the Saga comics What would you want that to be? Again just Well I mean

The cartoon I'd get the people that did our game Yeah Or the ones that did Invincible Yeah Do it that way And also Or computer game I think Saga as a computer game would be class

I don't know how they'd do it They could do it like an RPG Aye But I think I'd love that because this is the thing with comic books is like so many people have got like a brick wall barrier up between them and comic books. Because they think it's for kids. You just can't get some people to read comics. But with Locke and Kane, with Saga, I feel like they're missing out on such good worlds aye and such good stories that like

you kind of want it to be packaged in a way that they can enjoy it yeah just because they won't ever step into that world so you're like that's another reason why

like when I when something comes out as a series and it's not that great and you can't recommend it to people you just say ugh

that's a shame aye because that meant I could share something I love with somebody that wouldn't otherwise share it. Aye, you have gone into it. Aye.

Also, if you're one of them people listening to this who have got the brick wall up between you and comic books, just today, get past that and just take one of these recommendations, Saga, a lock and key, and you can get them on your phone. Go to Comixology. You can get them on your iPad.

Preacher, Red Son, Wanted. The Watchmen. I wouldn't start. Don't start with that. I absolutely do not start with Watchmen. In fact, that is one that has absolutely been done well on a Passover. Watch the Watchmen. Who watches the Watchmen?

And they changed it. They changed it enough. Preacher was also a decent adaption, but they changed it up enough that they were like this is, you know, this is our version of this set in modern times. And that's what Wheel of Time tried to get away with. Because they're like,

it's just a different iteration. It's like, it's not an iteration. It's a very, very badly done version of a great story. You bastards. I don a very, very badly done version of a great story. You bastards. I don't think Pritchard done... I thought the actors were great in it. I thought Cassidy was good.

That was my first introduction to Joe Gilligan. I thought he was amazing. Dominic West, what's he called? Dominic West? I don't know. Dominic West is the one from... He's the one from The Wire. Dominic Cooper. They were classing it Wire yeah he's the one from The Wire Dominic Cooper Dominic Cooper yeah

like they were classing it and then for me the story just got too different and weird and like it wasn't I felt like I was watching a completely

different thing I was able to do that because Walking Dead did the same thing Walking Dead changed enough that you were like alright separate separate but still good

so you know I'm not somebody that's like you have to you have to you have to keep it exactly the way it is but you have to visibly enjoy

the thing that you're making and I can tell you nobody that worked on Wheel of Time's TV series read or enjoyed the book none of them did none of them did

too disrespectful they would yeah no no like if that was a room full of people that actually enjoyed the book somebody would have been like

no no no this is all terrible why was Brandon Sanderson not in there oh Cunt was and the Cunt at the end was a room full of people that actually enjoyed the book somebody would have been like no no no this is all terrible why was Brandon Sanderson not in there oh cunt was and the cunt at the end

was man they liberaled it up which I'm not against like that was one of the things that really actually endeared me to the first couple of episodes of it because

man there's so many times where I'm like look it's like remember when they made Hermione black in the stage production of Harry Potter

and people lost their fucking shit man that's never bothered me because I'm like it doesn't say sheione black in the stage production of Harry Potter and people lost their fucking shit. Man, that's never bothered me because I'm like, it doesn't say she's white in the book and it also does not matter.

Did it even cross your mind that she was white as a child and then black as an adult? Did that not make you go, well, how did that happen? No.

They're wizards. They're wizards and witches. I don't care. And it's a stage show and they're actors. Yeah. But if that happened in a film where, like, because we did it with Muff.

We did it with Muff where it was Stephen K. Amos played you in the future, and then you go back in time and it's you, and we never address that. You change colour. But that was because it was a comedy. They never said the stage play was a continuation of the movies. They just said it was a continuation.

Hermione's not necessarily white in the books. There's nothing that... There's no description. Oh, no, sorry. I think I'm thinking of something else because there wasn't a child actor in the... It was a Les Mis. I watched where the child actor for Cosette was white

and then the adult actor for Cosette was black. All right, okay. And I found that was odd. That was an odd casting. Yeah. Not that you go, what? Cosette's not meant to be black. All right, okay. And I found that was odd. That was an odd casting. Yeah. Not that you go, what? Like, Cosette's not meant to be black.

It's in the French Revolution. That wouldn't even happen. How would that? Like, there's no part of us that was like that, obviously. But there was part of us where you go, how did you change colour? Right. Well, in Wheel of Time,

I thought the casting was really good. I was excited in the first two episodes. They changed, well, not necessarily changed people up, but different to how I pictured them in my head but really good and decent and then at one point they start bringing in like

real pro, they added in like gay warders which is something that wasn't necessarily in the books but does make sense and I remember even sitting there being like oh god that's a really good iteration of that of course that would actually happen ah interesting i can tell this is going to piss a lot of people off but good it's pissing the right people off no no no no it wasn't even it wasn't even blatantly they'll be like oh it's shoving it on your throat i'm like it's not it's a very good iteration of a story that's already there and it's just a face

of the story that you hadn't thought about before but it's not shoving it down your throat and then it just became and I say this as a lefty it became the liberal agenda oh really oh and then it just

sucked and like the costumes were very badly done the CGI was fucking horrendously appalling. Like, there's a battle happening, like, two miles away, and characters that are different sizes, and there's four of them. And it's just, like, it was somebody did it on their phone on a moving bus. Oh, shit.

Aye, aye. I might just watch it out of curiosity now. Go ahead. I mean, I've set the bar so fucking low That you might If I link it I'll have to link it in secret Yeah yeah you will And if you do enjoy it

Do enjoy it in secret And then also read the books And then realise how fucking wrong you are I wanted to ask you Did you ever play The Witcher? And did you enjoy it? I fucking hated it And what did you hate about it?

The combat system was unbelievably dog shit. I've just started it, and I'm getting the grip. It's very, like, unintuitive, the combat system. And did you play on it long enough for it to grow on you? No, I played it, I think, about 12 to 14 hours into it. I hated the combat system just because... Did you get past the griffin thing at the start? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I haven't even beat that yet because I thought I'll go and do a couple of little levels and level up, and I'm getting a little bit overwhelmed by the amount of crafting items and alchemy items, and I'm like, fuck, man, am I going to learn how to cook to play this game? Because everything has five different ingredients

and I don't know where to get them from, and I'm just picking up everything because I might need it and it just seems like I'm a little bit overwhelmed by inventory and I'm a bit sucky at the battle system

so that's where I'm at at the minute I was just going to ask if like I do not think it is worth even another second of your life

but I I fuck I hate it so much it's one of the worst games I've ever played but it was I hated so much it's one of the worst games I've ever played I hated the story but it was game of the year

and it got like 97% oh I know I know I'm wrong I had it recommended by a million different people on Twitter the other day

go ask them then it just wasn't for you and you liked Skyrim as well yeah I enjoyed Skyrim a lot which I would say that that's the closest

game to it that I've played is Skyrim no Skyrim was good and enjoyable like I just the combat system in it was I've played is Skyrim no Skyrim was good and enjoyable like I just the combat system in it was very very poor and it was also

one of those games where it's like we won't hold your hand during this you're like oh I don't want to play that like there has to be a tutorial

like you can't what on Witcher? aye oh did you skip the tutorial? no no I did but it was it's heavy on tutorial no no

but then like later on in it so there was it's tutorial and like it's just roll and hit roll and hit roll and hit there's nothing intuitive

or fun about that for me that's like fucking that's a Sonic game hit roll run hit roll run hit roll run hit roll run that's what's happening

I'm just diving out the way my character is just doing flips and doing flips to get out the way of wolves just until me like fireball

powers up so I'm just trying to keep with the werecuns until I can hit them with another fireball Brett Vincent loves it so I talked to him I think Ali also loved it

so you can talk to either of them but I I'm gonna I'm gonna persevere with it because I think it will click once I start getting the narrative and the story

I feel like it might have a really good narrative to it it started off pretty strong I'm like intrigued by the lore I'm intrigued by the world that they live in the dialogue seem to be pretty decent when you're like chatting to characters and stuff but i'm just um at the minute like the screen is full of words i'll pick up a fucking quest and i have to read half a fucking chapter of a book to find out what the

quest is and i'm just like i i don't like reading that much when I'm playing. Aye. And I'm reading a lot at the minute, and I'm six hours in, and I haven't really progressed much. I haven't done the first main story mission. I feel like I need something to click with it before I get into it. Are you going to watch the TV show? It depends how the game goes.

If I get into the game, I'll watch the TV show. Apparently the books are good. I nearly, because I've got some audiobook tokens to use and i nearly bought book one but i realize there's like nine books and i'm still in wheel of time i'm still in this what are you up to all the time book four oh so am i no i did catch back up second time around you're an audiobook with that aren't you no you were listening in the car oh just did that particular thing just for that car right i bought just that particular thing just for that car ride. I bought just that one. What's the Scott Lynch one?

I've bought the second one of that. Oh, Liza Locamora. Second one of that is Class and then like all great fantasy authors. His wife left him, he got depression and the third book sucks. Like all good fantasy authors. Man, all fantasy authors. They all have depression at some point. They all have depression,

and then around about the two or three year mark of their depression, Brandon Sanderson starts knocking on their door going, can I finish your book? Heart, you've not finished your book. Can I finish your book? I'd love to finish your book. It's me, Brandon Sanderson. No, no, I'm not here to finish the book.

I'm a Mormon. I just knock on doors anyway. But I noticed that you were an author as well. Can I finish your book? There's a bit in the Dark Tower, Stephen King series, which you hear where the characters break the fourth, like he breaks the fourth wall fully because the characters have to go to his dimension

to get him over his writer's block so that he can finish writing the story. Yeah. And it happens with his like actual near-death experience but it ties in so well because he's such a good writer steven king that like it just seems to fucking work it makes sense and me telling it like that butchers it but it's such a just annoy me what is oh like if you should yeah yeah like that's yeah that would just that would do my fucking nut.

And, like, I hate when people break the fourth wall in general. But, like, in a book where he's just there describing himself, like, to me that is lying in a bath and jerking off in your own mouth. Like, it's just a level of self-indulgence. I thought it was just a fucking unexpected twist to a really long adventure where you're just like, fucking wow, he went there and did that and it worked. No.

No, I hated those books so much. I also always thought they were a bit... a really long adventure where you're just like fucking wow he went there and did that and it worked nah nah I hated those books so much I also what was the other book you recommended still to this day Shantaram

oh yeah you did a Shantaram oh god and it's look I like a descriptive world fucking Robert Jordan was very very descriptive

in Wheel of Time like fucking paint me a word picture and I'll fucking imagine it out for you that's nice. The motherfucker enchanter. I don't need to know every shade of blue

you saw in a rainbow. Just say it was a rainbow. Pick three of the colours. Stuff like that, sure, right? But when somebody who's been on heroin before describes the heroin experience and describes that cold turkey experience that vividly and that well that you kind of get a feeling of what it's like to go through them things that you'll never go through or like even just living in a living in a shanty town in india

i'll never do that but that guy described it so fucking intricately that like you kind of feel like you've had that experience in your life because you've read it all right but i didn't want any of those experiences and also it was just him crying about a girl that didn't want to fuck him for most of the book that was annoying hi what does she smell like this time is it the same thing as last time oh well I bet you love her personality, you boring cunt. I haven't read Trainspotting, but I read Skagboys. Nah, just, man, anyone that writes, and this is hypocritical beyond compare.

He's about to shit on the flag here. Anyone that writes that much in their own accent, I can't be fucking arsed. That's why it was good on an audiobook, because it was just like Scottish dialect. Aye. But reading Scottish dialect would be like trying to decipher a text. I got it.

I've read Trainspotting, and I think it's great. I'd never read it again. No. No. I was just like, man, why is this so hard to read? Just write it, and I'll do the accent in my head. Don't write it down in a weird way where I've got to sound out and go, is that what I,

all right, okay. Oh, H, as in the letter H, got it. Anyway, as people who have previously suggested that journalists should die, we've just done a lot of criticism of art. But I am an artist. I'm allowed to. I actually create.

I create more than I criticise. Therefore, I am allowed to criticise. Journalists are not allowed to because they don't... Your article isn't art. There's nothing... That's not... You're just writing things.

Like a news report is not art. It's a correlation of information. There's nothing artistic fucking about it. That's what you do. You're not an artist. Whereas as an artist, I can shit on other people's a correlation of information. There's nothing artistic fucking about it. That's what you do. You're not an artist. Whereas as an artist I can shit on other people's art all the time. As an artist. Aye. One of the, we're not the lowest. We're two off lowest.

Magician. Oh, we're three off lowest. I don't consider it magic. Oh, I guess it is. It's a performing art. Yeah, I guess it is. We's a performing art. Yeah, I guess it is. We're better than poetry. We're miles above poetry. Stand-up's miles above poetry.

And obviously, mime is the lowest. Yeah. However... Tom Walker's phenomenal at it. Tom Walker's incorporating mime into his stand-up was very, very funny. Yes, aye. And also Sam Will's taped face.

Aye. Co-operating. Okay, we've done well, but you can do the lowest form of something well. Aye. Like, you know, there'll be very fucking... There's people that are really good at spinning the signs inside of the chicken shop.

There's dead nice porridge out there. Like, you can have the best version of something shit. Aye. If you could be an artist in any other field, can have the best version of something shit aye if you could be an artist in any other field what would your chosen art be? am I as talented at that thing?

yes or do I have to learn to be good at it? you've got it in you you've got it in you to get to the level you're at in comedy in whichever chosen art you choose so you can go got it in you to get to the level you're at in comedy in whichever chosen art you choose so you can go

right I'm going to get into painting and you'll become you'll become one of the country's top painters at some point oh god

I mean nothing nothing even if I was talented in it nothing in music tempts me oh really

no god I'd hate that would em because I I think we've had, like, a drunken discussion about this before. Like, you know what we love about stand-up is, like, the audience reaction and the laughter that you get from an audience is really fucking addictive

and it's a really good feeling and it's, like, a nice response to get, right? But there's certain responses that we'll never get from doing stand-up. And one of them's, like, putting a goal in in a cup final. You know, the way, like, you react when your team scores. Aye, when you score for your country. And one of them's like putting a goal in in a cup final. You know the way you react when your team scores.

Right, when you score for your country. You're like, you're going nuts and you're hugging the stranger next day and you're fucking, like, we'll never get that reaction from a joke or something that we've said. Doing music, you'll never get like somebody connecting with the song that you're singing

and singing along to it. Like people aren't like singing along to your jokes to the song that you're singing and singing along to it like people aren't like singing along to your jokes to the point that you can stop telling the joke for a bit and the joke continues in the crowd the certain i fucking guarantee you if i was i've seen that was tom stayed's meet van guy my man i guarantee you if i were to go and do a fucking jigsaw tour i guarantee you i could find at least 20 people in each fucking audience who would be doing it word for word i but that would be fucking weird and odd yes yes but with a song with a song it's different so like the the thing that would make me intrigued to be is becoming an athlete not if

you're in sport probably not no right but like to be if i'm to take the art bit out of it to become a performer right if i was to perform on a football pitch or perform in a band i'd really be interested in what it's like to feel those things from the crowd i think i would pick poetry so i could become one of the best poets in the world and then i would shit on all other poets beneath me and destroy it as an art i would do to poetry what jake paul is doing to boxing i would go in specifically to just make a fucking mockery of something that is dying and already should be dead and i'll be the worst best thing about it and I'll just destroy it from the inside and beat up all other poets

like I'm specifically just gonna get the poet of the year award whatever that lame thing's called and I'm just gonna go there and it's gonna be you, me and I'm gonna take all the other Geordies and we're just gonna batter and wedgie all those fucking nerds constantly wherever we go also with poetry

what is the response to poetry? Like, like Pete Holmes. You get it tattooed on the small of your fucking back. People. Like some fucking loser has it like stitched into a dream catcher.

Has it like posted note into the mirror. Oh, yeah. So it's that mantra when they get up in the morning. Yeah, just, oh. Because remember the Pete Holmes bit about magic,

you don't know how to respond. It's like, magic. Um, I can't, I don't know how to respond magic I can't remember what about going back to art rather than performance probably fiction writer oh that'd be good

if I could become a fiction writer anything you can do from home a holiday is a pretty good art isn't it if you can do from home, a holiday, is a pretty good art, isn't it? If you can do your art from wherever you are. Mine would be script writing then. Understand, understand that I could do that, but the amount of work required to get there seems beyond belief.

The amount of just shit in the train that you've got to climb through. Yeah, just not doing it, just not interested. It's like, man, I'm already at the top of just, like, shit in the train that you've got to climb through. Yeah, just not doing it. Just not interested. Like, man, I'm already at the top of this hill and it might not be the highest hill and it might not be the fucking best hill, but it's the one I climbed to the top of and fuck going down any other hill.

And you know what? With the same breath as, like, Seab's with the script writing, if I got put to the bottom of this hill, I couldn't be arsed to climb it again. No, absolutely not. I couldn't be arsed. At first again. No, absolutely not. I couldn't be arsed. At first, the foothills were fucking brutal. The foothills were fucking brutal.

Unpaid deaths. When you're broke, fuck that. Couldn't go back to the start. Is there anything else I consider art or what is art what about game designer I game yeah but I bet you that's not as fun

as it seems I bet your game designer is a real hard fucking like you decide what you want to happen on the screen and you're like okay that's going to be weeks of work what you want to happen on the screen you're like okay that's going to be weeks of work to get that to happen and we're going to need a team of people working around the clock to get it to happen and it's all fucking data input what i've got my answer

i'd love to become a really really good cartoonist because i've always wanted to be i've always wanted to be really good at drawing but if i become really good at being a cartoonist then i can go to amazon being like hey fucking you fucked up wheel if I become really good at being a cartoonist then I can go to Amazon and be like hey fucking you fucked up Wheel of Time I'll do it as a cartoon

20 episodes a season let's and then then I can make all the things that I'm like please don't turn that into a live action thing I'll just draw it

with me and my company we'll make it class there you go erm I need to go check on my wife are you good at art? no no

horrific I'm treacherous I think mine's an aphantasia thing as well like somebody on the aphantasia blog was like when you draw a dog

does it look like this and it was like a picture of the way I would absolutely draw a dog I tried getting good at drawing when I was younger I just didn't have the patience for it I wasn't instantly good at it And that was enough to make me

Hate it wholeheartedly And I remember all the time When I was like 13, 14 If you just keep practising By the time you're 30 you'll be classed I'm like I'm never going to be 30 What are you talking about What a stupid thing to suggest

and now I was already copying stuff like I used to draw rappers I used to buy Source magazine and then sketch rappers

like who like P. Diddy drew a picture of Puffy right Aberdeen we'll see you on Friday a picture of Puffy right Aberdeen we'll see you on Friday and also we'll have a podcast

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