Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Chilli Scissors

Episode Date: September 14, 2022

Muggins returns from one final music festival of the year with a multitude of mysterious injuries that he had to piece together both physically and in his own memory. Natalie begins questioning everything. Cream remembers a scene in Limitless that just wasn't OK

Hello podcast listeners, thank you very much for tuning in to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road when we are not on the road, we are in the studio still. If you're watching at home, do you appreciate the fact that we now actually have our own merch, huh? Look at this, look, mugs, you can buy these, you can buy this, you can buy this, isn't that amazing? Just slowly, incrementally increasing the production value of this massive piece of shit, which we're very grateful that you still tune in for. It's kind of like a reunion episode. Me and Kai haven't done this in a while. He's been doing it with other people, I've been doing it with other people.

But like two forlorn lovers, we've come back to give you content about how Kai turned into a bloody fucking mess. content about how Kai turned into a bloody fucking mess. We speak about comedy towards the end. Just to give you a heads up, if you don't want any spoilers to my current show, can't, then skip like the last five minutes of this episode because I talk about some of the material in it. Don't really do any of the punchlines, but it basically touches on some of the topics and stuff and I understand that can be a bit of a spoiler for some people. We do give you a heads up so just turn off then. Thank you very much for listening and your support. Thank you for coming to all of our shows during the Fringe. If you are in New York, so am I. Please come and see me live.

And we are also adding in some European dates for later on in the year. So if you're in Lithuania or Croatia or Slovenia, Slovakia, keep an eye out for those. Australia will be announced soon, that's going to be from March to April next year for me with some New Zealand dates in there and hopefully some Singapore ones too

apart from that tune in, enjoy and we'll see you on the Patreon episode if you're fucking cool Sloss and Humphreys on the road Muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles

Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical?

Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? They've got both of their sons back, Daniel. It's been like they've had custody of each other. Like, you've been on with Ryan. Yeah, yeah. I've been on with John and Ryan. Yeah.

I was on with Adam. You were on with Adam. Uh-huh. It's actually the first one in like four podcasts where they've got to spend time together. It's like our dads are having a little bit of a fucking break, isn't it? But we've clearly been to like two separate summer camps, phoning back.

Going on, Daniel, how are you getting on? But we don't even know that the whole round. They've managed to keep it from her. Oh, so we've come back to a divorce. No, we've come back and they're patching it back up. Can you not hear them shagging? That's them shagging. I'll 130 if we're dads.

Having a massive orgy. That's how many patrons we've got. No, that's how many dads we've got. Thereabouts, thereabouts. It changes, you know, people dip in and out. Yeah, depending on my opinions on Johnny Depp at the time. It still makes me laugh so much. Of all the controversial opinions I've had,

and one that I did research on! You know what makes us laugh the most, right? I didn't notice it until recently, but you know how all of the videos go out on YouTube, right? But only some of them go live. Half of them are private because they're the ones that were streamed through Patreon, so they need to

have the link to get to them. You can only get there through being a Patreon subscriber. Some people thumbs down my videos. Some people pay to listen to it and go, not for me. Here's a tip. That was the worst service I've ever

had in my entire life I'm pretty sure you shattered my soup 5% and one of them was like the one with Gene on like one of the

most wholesome podcasts like there's always just someone just there going you know what you're allowed to

pay to call us I've got no problem with that it's like going to the zoo you're allowed to pay to be like I think this is evil and cruel.

I'm here. Go on and get a picture of me beside the lion. This is cruel and we shouldn't be allowed to do it anymore. When's the penguin march? Sick. Right, cool. I'm coming for that. I've been asked to sponsor the sloth again at Edinburgh Zoo

aye because they got in contact last year I'm sure we did a podcast are they knocking your door doing for this I feel like I have heard of this before haven't I it's not the first time you've mentioned it there's a sloth at Edinburgh Zoo now

and Edinburgh Zoo's I think it was their marketing team obviously just went well Daniel Sloth Daniel Sloth like that's a joke I make all the time they've had k had Kai Wallace for years.

Didn't like that, then. You know what I did? But you would not unsubscribe, but you would hover your finger over the dislike button. It's fucking coming. I'll listen to the rest of it, but I want you to know I didn't fucking enjoy it. So you've got... i don't mind paying money

to sponsor a sloth they will not name it after me and i'm not saying they have to but come on come on well they won't call it cream they won't call it daniel sloth it's got some it's got like jerry or something i don't know what his actual name is but I'm like the puns there people like puns so did they initially approach Jerry Cinnamon and just work their way down yeah Lewis Capaldi couldn't do it

yeah yeah he wouldn't do it and then they went right Bridges Bridges Frankie not interested

Susan Calman not interested John McGinn not at all sure can end up with a Slothcard Gareth Moore because if you sponsor at the

highest level of sponsor you get to go and feed the sloth and sloths to me are a lot like pandas in that the entire time you're looking

at them you're like that's not an actual animal like all pandas are quite visibly human beings in panda suits just trying to get sponsorship because the world isn't willing to admit we killed all all pandas are quite visibly human beings in panda suits just trying to get sponsorship because the world isn't willing to admit we killed all the panniers pandas sloths

are clearly robots like that's why they're so slow because if they went any faster you'd see the jerky movements of their arms but they just do that reach out grab banana also like conserving their battery as well because you don't. You can leave them out for longer if you're not constantly charging them. You know, if you put a robot chimp out, it's going to be fucking swing and run, flinging shit and all that. It's going to be on charge every...

It's going to be like a fucking iPhone. Yeah, yeah. Pandas are like Nokias. Yeah, old school Nokias. We haven't fed this thing in nine days. He's on 75%. He'll be fine. So what resistance are you putting up to the sponsor and the sloth well i said it doesn't matter it's the fact that they

won't call it tell your sloth so what are the what do they even want you today then so just sponsor it oh so they're asking for money off you to will you sponsor this slot so they're not uh right i i thought they were like, can we use you as advertisement for a slot? They get a bunch of people to sponsor so they can do up the enclosure and make sure it's fed and make sure it's got all the right vets

and everyone with the appropriate knowledge. And by vets, I obviously mean engineers. Like people just coming in at fucking one in the morning being like, right, the battery pack's just behind his head. Take that off. Swap them over. It's looking a little bit jerky, so shove that screw.

I jump started. Just put the jump leads on its nipples. But basically what you get from it is you get the knowledge that you're helping a poor, defenceless creature. Do you know what the number one killer of sloths in the wild is? Aye, it's my fia, brother.

Just constantly like, there can be only one. I mean, Jack, you're like, one? What? Like, ten, let's ten, there can be only ten. Just thinking of your grandparents and that. Trying to keep the extended family alive. The number one killer of sloths in the wild is sloths accidentally grabbing their own arms, thinking it's a branch.

No, it's not. No, it's not. This is one of the things. Nope. I haven't done one in a while, Daniel. But you're not getting us with a true lie. You've got us on a comedown. You know, I've just come back from a music festival.

You're like, yeah, here with Kai on the podcast. I think the sloth was trying to swing off its own arm and then fell 30 feet of its death. They grab and they go, fucking hell, that's pretty sturdy. I'll just bring my leg up to this other solid branch. Whee! Splat.

And then I assume something eats it on the floor. But, you know, there's no escape at that point. It's the same with the number one killer of Geordies is just them clipping their own heels and falling over on pavements. Oh, they doubt. The last words of most Geordies is, watch this.

It's documented. How would you come down? I'm really shocked my wife doesn't want a divorce. And I can see the cogs turning with it. And I think it's just one of them things where she'd just kind of be asked to just unpick all the bills and all that even though they're out in her name that would be the easiest divorce for her literally literally even stuff that i sign up for like the wi-fi i put it in natalie's name because i'm like well

i'm gonna be away she'll be the one dealing with it when it breaks down yeah um i'd have the car yeah you wouldn't get the dog I'd pay up my work for the dogs on Anatli Like everything else I Like honestly I think I've got as much stake on my hooses Cullen has on yours It would be an easy divorce

Squatters rights It actually so you can afford it with it is Aye So like I'm not I'm not like I'm holding on by a string in actually seeking a fort with Udys aye so like I'm not I'm not like I'm holding

on by a string if Natalie wants to break up with me not that hard for her

god you're such a feminist if I was your husband I'm financially ruined you're welcome

to remain Greer aye I just didn't want to be tied in I didn't want her to feel like she's a

hostage you know I didn't want her to be tied in. I didn't want her to feel like she's a hostage. I didn't want to be tied in with red tape. She's just doing it for love. And then every day you give her more and less and less reasons to love you. That's what happened. So why have you bothered her this time? Were you messaging her while drunk? No, I haven't caused anything that's made her life any harder.

She's the state but I just come back from a fucking music every time I come back from a music festival I look like

Johnny Knoxville has just been recording I should have stitches in my arm I've gashed my arm wide open it wouldn't stop

bleeding and it's a testament to you as a human being that you put into the group and you had this huge bloody gash down the back

of your arm. You woke up, you had blood all down your... Oh, it looked like I'd been shot because I had a white T-shirt on. So it looked like a fucking bullet hole there because all the blood

off the gash on my elbow. Because what an awkward place to gash your arm as well because you're just fucking constantly drinking, smoking, fucking dancing. Oh, you know how fast I dance.

Fuck me. Fucking spinning round just like a fucking Beyblade as it shook off all this blood. Just giving everyone in the area a hepatitis C.

It was really funny to say, you know, have you ever seen these ponchos that's up in that way, like these kind of Native American ponchos

like really hippie, like fucking heavy woven ponchos, not just the ones You just call the American Indians Native Americans hippies Aye

Aye, they want us They're the first hippies Hippies are actually culturally appropriate in the Native Americans I believe Yeah, definitely, except Native Americans definitely killed and used every single part of like oxes and bison and things.

Whereas the current hippies are like, they're one with us, man. And just all the Native Americans are just like, no, man, like you can make sick pipes out of their hooves. Like really. Look, I know you can eat some of the meat off a buffalo's leg. But I tell you what, you scoop it at the bottom of that hoof, it's a hell of a bong. Use every bit of the animal. Yep. What I just did there is like

calling someone who used to use vinyl in the 60s a hipster you're like no no that was the only option we were honestly

so I had one of them things on and right for the longest time I didn't know how I had this fucking Gabriel Knox wound on my arm

I didn't know well you put it in the group and everyone's response 100% response was who did you fight? How's the other guy? What lie do you need us to tell? What alibi have you got?

Who did something slightly don't get me wrong you've never punched someone who didn't deserve to be punched but you have made fights that could have been walked away from Scummy Batman I've always said it you start looking at it going

oh this is the worst case scenario Kai's fighting with weapons now it was bad enough when he didn't have weapons so

this is night one of the festival of your mother's festival I'd had half a pill and when I realised that I had a good handle on that took me to a little 2CB This is night one of the festival. Of your mother's festival. I'd had half a pill. And when I realised that I had a good handle on that, took me a little 2C-B to top us up. And there was a constant through fare of weed.

No coke, nothing like that. I'm just monitoring me fucking up as I'm getting high and having a drink. But there was a point where... And also just as somebody who's three weeks off it now, how was the weed? Tell me everything. What did it smell like? It was lovely. It was really nice.

We didn't mix it with tobacco. And big blunts. Which I call a blunt, and in America, a blunt just means that it's rolled with cigar paper. But because no one really does that here, there's no use for the word blunt, so I've repurposed it to just mean we're not using tobacco. Well, to be fair fair that's a bit unfair

because Americans have never taken any of our words completely changed the meanings and then ruined them so that's a very cool thing if you should do

we also do that to them on one other thing well two other things but for the same thing fanny and tush we'll go fanny that's your word for bum alright we're using it

for pussy because we haven't got enough words for that or use tush for bum alright we're gonna we're gonna use that for pussy as well. Tush? Tush. Is it tush?

Nope. Aye. Your fanny's your tush? Aye. Like the front fanny, the vagina's a tush? Oh, maybe, you know, that fucking Bly Fingers, even Ryan Dixon, the gay lad, he come and went, I tried tush in my glove.

Like, you would have just went well you've always been trying but i knew fine well that he meant he'd been with the last oh i know my color anyway that's used for bombing america i would just do it we just use it for front bum front front um what was i saying l Linda's Farm Linda's Farm Right So right There was a point Where I was like

Fucking Because you were asking About the weed and that Right so There was a point where You know the bit of Limitless Where he's just

Whacking through the street And fucking boom He's on another block And boom Like I wasn't like I wasn't full blackout But I was just like This is class

Let's fucking get this done Also Limitless Which I'm sorry to interject here which has like one of the most brutal murders in any movie I've ever seen. It's where the woman Bradley Cooper in the movie takes some of the things

and like she's running through the park away from somebody who's trying to I assume murder her and she runs across an ice rink and picks up a four year old girl. Uses the child as a weapon? Swings around and uses the blade on her ice skates to slit the man's throat, and then just puts the child back down

and lets it ice skate away. And you're like, you pay for the therapy, minimum! When was the movie? When was the movie? How old's that kid? How old's that kid now? That's an origin story.

What do you, Limitless 2? That's nothing about the pill. Yeah. It's just about this girl becoming a fucking supervillain because... It came out in 2011. 2011.

It's 11 years ago. She was four at the time. Comes a teenager. There we're going. Shit, I want that story. Yeah. I want Limitless 2. Imagine that.

You're just like, somebody's chasing you and you fucking walk down the street and you're like oh god what do I do I'm in America there's a gun shop right there there's a hardware store

that sells axes hold on hold on that baby looks like it's got a thick skull handing it back to the wife sorry I was in danger what

no I'm in danger they're going to take my baby as well my child is evidence now like they're going to take my baby as well, my child is evidence now they're going to have to put her in a little plastic bag just imagine that fuck oh god I need to get away

and just jumping into a pram picking up a broom and with both your knees on the side of a three year old's neck sailing away the street

imagine imagine the dad getting home to his wife and all the kind how was ice skating honey right here is

here is out I need you to wash our ice skates oh no why there's some blood in it oh were they too tight on her just toes in there no like how you've been smoking weed again i've been having out to date with that

i i've been i i was just thought i'll have a spliff i'll take her ice skating what's the worst that could happen i didn't think the fucking mafia lord was going to come up and use her as a weapon all right then blame the blame the drugs. Blame the drugs, then. But I'm going to be honest with you. I think that other lady must have been on drugs because the aiming was exceptional. It was the last one at the Mafia, that was Chesna.

She did it. She did it. The good guy. The good guy picked up a small child. You cease to be the good guy in the story when you use a child as a weapon. Well, unless you didn't see, like, you know, if you just grab a kid by its arms

and you swing them around, they're having a great time. I thought you were Hezbollah, so I was... Wait, wait, wait. So I was, if you were Hezbollah, I would have grabbed you by the feet. I think you mean, I think you mean Hezbollah because Hezbollah is the...

I feel like I don't want to say... Don't. Hezbollah is not Hezbollah because Hezbollah is the... I feel like I don't want to say... Hezbollah is not Hezbollah. Hezbollah is... I don't want to... It's like, is it a terrorist organisation? Are you like, oh, is it Freedom Fight? That is some people.

Am I picking an allegiance? One of those, you know, what we've done is we've waved into the murky waters of Judaism in the Middle East and I don't know what we're doing. Yeah, because I've met that. I was talking about the Tamil Tejas on don't know what we're doing yeah because I've I've been I was talking about the Tamil Tigers

on stage if we'd been a terrorist organisation because the whole bit was the confusion about the Tamil Tigers from Sri Lanka well she's given us

new vaccinations and I'm just like oh yeah I can't wait to see them in the wild now lad I'm going to sponsor one name it after us

whatever right so the whole bit was like confusing the Tiger with the Tamil Tiger and I'd called them terrorist organisation and somebody going no i think you'll find

the freedom fight that's what it is what is hezbollah i don't want to pick an allegiance i'm just trying to crack a joke there you go

okay because i to be fair i'm not fucking political the only reason i remember that is because i'm

pretty sure it was on sasha barricone's bruno movie and that's that's hezbollah hezbollah is the only reason I remember that is because I'm pretty sure it was on Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno movie and that's Hezbollah Hezbollah is quite an easy mistake to make that though isn't it aye

aye I do not he's one of those ones that's come through where the internet made someone famous and I'm like shit choice shit choice wrong guy I'm not a fan shit choice wrong guy wrong guy just

I'm not a fan of any of it I don't like his attitude I thought it was a kid for the longest time like I never even clicked on any of the videos I just kept scrolling back

and there's that little fucking kid again who looks like an old man I think he's young I don't know yeah but young adult

I think he's maybe in his 20s yeah I dare anyway I wish him all the best get him on the pod he's actually on now he just can't see him oh so there's this uh there's this youngin who i took to the festival with us i mentioned him on a couple of podcasts back there the little ginger mullet lad he's called jack trainer i'd seen him on it red raw bumped into him in

the streets had a night with him in edin, and then I sent him a little message, just going, do you want to come to this music festival? I've got a spot available, there's a bit of cash in it. He's only been gone eight months, he's only done two cash gigs, so it was fucking mind-blowing for him,

like he was at the festival, going, I can't believe I'm getting paid for this, but instantly all my mates from Newcastle just get to lying with him straight away, cut from the same cloth now, I mean, kid could have been a squaddie,

you know, so, I'm having a good time, but I was kind could have been a squatty. Aye. You know, so, aye, having a good time, but I was kind of lost with him, but it's a small festival, and we're looking around for everyone, and we're both just fucking dealing

with the come up of this 2CB, while we're already on to that shit. And, I just looked under my heavy poncho, because I felt like a little fucking something on my arm, like, it wasn't sore,

it wasn't painful, but like, felt wet. You know, and I had to open it up, and there's just blood all over my T-shirt. So my instant thing's like, fucking, have I been fucking, have I caught with something? And there's no there, and then I just see it like dripping down my arm. It's all down my arm.

I was just like, fuck it, get on with me day. And we're looking around for everybody, and we find them. Eventually, and they're all fucking dancing, hip-hop arrays on and all that. It's all like hip-hop covers, but with a band and shit. It's really fucking cool and they're all fucking dancing hip hop arrays on and all that it's all like hip hop covers but with a band and shit so it's really

fucking cool they're all dancing away and Jack's the only one and I'm bleeding out and I keep flashing the blood of them and then like dropping dude

onto one knee while I'm dancing as if I'm on my actual last legs and I just have to be there and say I'm fucking cleaning back up

and I'm using I'm using him to clean back up so I can keep dancing on my last breath the fucking cunt was howling and then I grassy eventually caught wind of it and fucking went to the barn got like the tiniest little plaster

and put that on fucking me good it was shocking it was honestly like fucking high in a bucket of water over the side of the Titanic and then just carried on dancing to the band. You have to know what the problem is. I fixed it.

I was like, thanks for being here. But so the next morning I woke up and I'm just in a fucking bloodbath. I had on my sleeping bag, I had on my tent. It's still bleeding down my arm. And I went to the medic's tent at 10 in the morning and spent the rest

of the weekend reframing that I've got a new word for spinning I got it off John Hastings I reframe things now there I'll let

your fucking pussy be at the medic's tent I'm like you pussy I haven't been to the medic's tent you weren't dead I'm already getting stitched up

that's how fucking much I'm hitting the festival do you like what I'm doing I never enjoy it but I understand what you're doing can you get on board

like after I'd been to the medic's tent Rick had to give us a fucking double shot of Jagerbomb like in a fucking kind of large glass you know I want to

text you more than Warren Gulp to have a shot yeah and which I'm fully against that's the problem with like American shots is they just fill up

tumblers and they're like hey here's a shot and you're like if if I puff out my cheeks like a chipmunk and there's still stuff

in there you're being a dick like don't get me wrong it's impressive if you do an American shot but that's not what shots are supposed to be it's meant to be

doing the hatch from your oyster it's like and there's your oyster like do I get a knife and fork no no

why would you get that makes no sense you've just got to chew it down mate so so I had Jack I rejoined all the

fucking squally lads when they got out of their tent they were like fuck this cunt Jack Hans this cunt he's already spewed up and been in the medics tent it's not even ten o'clock

and I was just like aye when are yous going to catch up absolutely reframing the medic's tent, it's not even 10 o'clock and I was just like aye, when are he's going to catch up absolutely reframing the fact that I've been a massive pussy and just aye, just repackaged it So how did you

So, I didn't know how it had happened and all I had in my mind was I remember going to dive out of this hair bale, there was a bunch of hair bales in the way, and you hit the one needle It's Kai look hair bail there was a bunch of hair bails in the way and you hit the one needle it's kai it's kai look it's kai look

but to find a dirty needle in a hair bail near blive oh yeah fair enough there was heaps of those

reframe it yeah yeah and no it was it was this like raw hair bails and I ran

to just like fucking scoot across it like fucking something off I nearly used the game siphon filter but that might have

been before your time well over my head so I went like scud across this hair bill I could have just used any other game that came since

siphon filter but I think this was the first one for me where you could just dive through glass and that and I went to skid across it

and didn't realise that at the other side of these hair bills because they were like maybe just over hip high there was just people sat having a pint,

just having a smoke and all that underneath it and I just nearly just landed on them. So, damn it. What? So in the middle of jumping,

I bailed. Sorry. No, I'm not ready. I didn't know what other word to use when I found myself there aye backed yourself

backed yourself into a Milton Jones corner if only there was a Tim Vine you could have used to escape you fucking started it oh man I didn't mean to yeah I mean

that's like me helping you in with a shop and accidentally drop it so you just come along and just fucking launch

my shop now on the fence because you know we shop together even though

we live 45 miles apart but we'll always be up in the same house and sometimes

just for fun we'll give each other each other shopping rest I'll drop you off

I'll help you in with it alright bad analogy but all I remembered was like fucking bailing out of this fucking jump I'll help you in with it alright bad knowledge but all I remembered was like fucking bailing out of this fucking jump

and I was like I surely haven't fucking split my arm like that off the hair bail I'm trying to piece it together because I wasn't like black out like I remember my evening but I was just like but the fact is I found the wound I didn't notice it happening I just discovered it I've

I've noticed like there's the amount of movies really make you think that like if you get fucking cut or if you get shot like it's you fall down

and die instantly sort of thing which is not the case I mean thanks to some of the forums I follow on Reddit I'm going to say

in the past month I've seen at least 16 people get shot and man people getting shot do not react like you think they would do. Have they got it right in movies?

No, no so this is an actually interesting one so people now, there's a psychological effect, now sometimes people fall down if they're shot but that's not because it's the body's reaction that's because in movies it was impossible to sort of depict during World War I movies

what would happen if people get shot which is they don't realise they get shot because all this adrenaline goes down and they go away and they die like 30 feet later but that doesn't look good on film so they were just like fall down and that's you dying. So falling down after being shot is a Hollywood thing which then made its way into our psyche

that sometimes now when people are shot just in the shoulder they'll fall down but that's nothing to do with their body reacting it's purely their brain going this is what happens in movies whereas people just get shot and just like you see them getting shot and they go ah and then sort of look down and you see blood coming out and then they just run away and you're like i wonder how far he got like I mean it does make me want to get shot you go to the hip hop tent appropriate place to go while shot

I'm going to go be amongst my people just going to get blended so yeah I remember as well when we were looking for everybody right I was looking

like we were just fucking about because it's not a big festival but maybe it's just about five tents on that have got shit going on and like I said some of them are

fucking pretty big so you have to have like a big wonder around the group when you're looking for your mates but they're all wearing fucking hippie ponchos

so they're pretty easy to find but when we're looking I just stopped and I was like there's a fucking lassie there giving away papers she was like

dressed like medieval and had this big stack of papers on her arm and she's fucking dishing them out to people. It's like two in the morning, there's a fucking drum and bass on and that. Everyone's going nuts. I'm like, to what end? What are you giving these out for?

It's just her number. I was just like, but they were really thick. Somebody had made these and printed them. I'm on acid, I'm bleeding out, right? And I'm just looking for, I'm lost, I'm looking for my mates. And I'm just like, so somebody made these and printed them I'm on acid I'm bleeding out right and I'm just like looking for I'm lost I'm looking for my mates and I'm just like

so somebody made these and all that and I'm fucking flicking through and I look there's one of the pages it was like a thin column and it was all the words

to what should we do with a drunken sailor and I'm just like what should we do with a drunken sailor and I just dropped my knees and I went

why why would somebody make this and he didn't know why was it just clutching it in my hands blood dripping through my arm

dripping my balls off my hands I've kidnapped this young'un off the street he was one minute he was fucking cleaning with a pressure washer

this was his job right cleaning fucking moss and all that off the streets and then he gets a text off me going hey do you want to come this weekend and it was uh like a short it was proper short notice it was practically the next day right and he was gonna quit his job anyway because he hated it and he just fucking quit his job there and then i fucking plucked some country of his job took him away and he's just watching me bleeding again why? he's like I don't think I made

the correct career choice today I made the absolute correct career choice so were these just little pamphlets of lyrics to songs? mate it was like a broadsheet

it was massive and it was just all fucking songs and that I didn't know you know how people at festivals just do things

to just yeah but what's weird you're just sitting there and you're watching your fucking favourite artist sing a song and you're like, God, I wish I knew the lyrics to this. Oh yeah, page three. Here they are all just like a fucking choir hymn sheet

at a fucking music festival being like, shame on a... Oh no, oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah. Let those guys sing it. Don't let the white man print it No, no, no

I mean I know there's definitely some newspapers in the UK Especially some of the broadsheets that'll be like They let you print the n-word onto paper If only The Daily Mail guys can We dream We can't do it, we've just got to reframe it now Aye

So where was I there on that little pilgrimage some woman handed you the broadsheet I feel like that was just this little side quest we're trying to get to the bottom of how you oh yeah that was like a little side quest bigger story so I've got all these memories like my memory isn't blank I remember vividly these things happening

but because in the midst of all this I touched it and I felt it and I'm like when the fuck did that happen must have been the hair bail or whatever right I I touched it and I felt it and I'm like, when the fuck did that happen? Must have been the hay bale or whatever, right? The next night, I was watching Rudimental and we took a little bit of Ketterman for Rudimental coming on. I just thought we'd have a little... I never normally do that.

Kett's never... I've never done it. It's never fucking appealed to me. Like, I've seen people on Kett and I'm like, that doesn't look fun. Like, when people are just holding on to something

because they think they're about to float away. I actually fucking Lieutenant Dan medivaced someone who'd have a tent. Yeah? I just,

he was sat, I'm going to do it, right? He sat, legs on the floor out in front of him and I can't do it because of my hamstrings.

I try, head on his, like, not touching though head there and he was just locked in cunt was locked in

and I just went up and I was on fucking shit me cell and all that I just handled my business I just whacked him and I was like

he's definitely in a K-hole I was like do you need help and he just let like this slightest nod. You know, like fucking,

you know when people get like fucking motor neurons or whatever and they're like, the best they can do is like move an eyelid or some shit like that. He'd give us one of them and I just fucking got him

out of there. I just got him out of my shoulder. I fucking took his whole weight and just put him out by the fucking same hair bills and now he did me a little. It's just fucking difficult.

Do you guys need a friend? No, thank you here you go I literally just passed the book with him I was just like keep an eye on him because he was just

on the floor where people were fucking dancing and jumping around and all that and I just put him somewhere did anyone see

our friend here somebody took his wheelchair and we just left him here because he wasn't a miracle happened I think he wandered off

yeah that's not possible he's dancing he's up the front that can't be possible he has motor neurone disease oh I did say it was like that

yeah I was so close I was so close should have worried about him now yeah well I hope they found him like I said

it's a smile festival Wonder Run They'll probably wonder around Looking for him And just get caught on the newspaper Why though Watching Rudimental Had a little kick at Ketterman

See what this is like Because I've only really done it When I played football I remember that In a beef At the heat of the day Yeah Oh god Stupid young boys Aye Well I didn't think I was teching it though Did I I remember that in a beef at the heat of the day yeah oh god

stupid young boys aye well I didn't think I was taking it though did I yeah you did Elliot had come up and give us a key

uh huh right and if a horse hands you a white powder it's horse tranquilizer the glass has just shattered I'm the fool

I'm the fool watching Rudimental right and I I need a piss right and the fucking urinals are just there

and I'm just guys do records didn't move I'm going for a piss and he went oh good luck getting back in and I look

and there's just fucking loads of people trying to get into the tent as I mentioned the main stage is in a tent right so once it's full

it's full and there's other people that are just watching from the wings and they kind of get in fucking health and safety bullshit right and uh if i got out for a piss that's just done right so i i've just got a nip with all of that and as soon as i look now i walk towards it i was like fucking yes this is what happened i went to see madness on the friday and uh it was full and they stopped letting people in and there was this young security guard

on the exit bit where people could gan out and that was like the easiest way to gan in because everything else is like fenced off

and he didn't let us in at first and I was like alright and then like I fucking whipped my hood up on my poncho

and I fucking tried to sneak in and he's like no mate and then I start like creeping like I'm a fucking bad like a burglar

in a cartoon to gan past him walking past just peeking through peeking through one finger then I start creeping like I'm a fucking bad, like a burglar in a cartoon, to get past it, right? Walking past just peeking through one finger. It's me and Jack howling because this guy is earnest every time. There's no part of him that's having a laugh when he's like, no mate, sorry, and I'll know through you. As if he can't remember the last time I did it. You walked past with a moustache and a monocle being like, I don't know if you saw my brother

trying to get in earlier, but he's a much lower class version of me. I was just looking last time I did it. You walked past with a moustache and a monocle being like, I don't know if you saw my brother trying to get in earlier but he's a much lower class version of me. I was just looking for him inside of the tent. I know it's you. What?

Basically, mate, I must have done about five or six different variations. Like one of them I'm just like hands in my pocket just...

Oh, sorry, mate. I didn't know you weren't allowed in. I didn't know you weren't allowed in. And just like regrouping like two yards away from him to do it again. To try to do that. Oh, sorry, mate. I didn't know you weren't allowed in. I didn't know you weren't allowed in. And just, like, regrouping, like, two yards away from him to do it again.

Trying to do that old viral video of the cat that only moves when the camera's behind the door. You're like, he looks away, and you get closer, closer. Next time, you're like, what's the time, Mr. Wolf? You're not getting in.

What's the time? Mate, you're not getting back in. Six o'clock. One. I went, I tried to crawl through on all fours. I'm looking up and I'm, mate, we were fucking howling. Because we're fucking tripping battles now. And this is just, this is like way funnier.

It's already funny as a concept but it's amplified by a million because we're on up and then and then I just went to Jack I was like

I've ran out of ideas and I just ran and just fucking swan dived forward face first and just fucking commander rolled at the other side

of the fence ran backwards fingers up fuck off mate because he can't leave the door he's got to stop people getting in

I think like he chased us for a bit and that's when Jack ghosted in he just took the decoy and then he was like well he's never leave the door he's got to stop people getting in I think like he chased us for a bit and that's when Jack ghosted in he just took the decoy and then he was like well he's never in the crowd anymore

I'm going to get them and just let work go and so we fucking danced front of madness and that's like shortly after that when we phoned everybody and I hadn't realised

like when I'd fucking stacked it I mean after there's a bit of broken glass off it was just the fucking hitting the hard floor from a height

face first just fucking big gash straight through my arm so I was just like the epiphany when I was watching Rudimental and he's like oh you'll not get back in floor from a height, face first, just fucking big gas straight through my arm. Well, there you go. So I always just say, the epiphany when I was watching Rudimental, he's like, oh, you'll not get back in. I was like, yes!

There it is. Yes! Well, I wish I had that story earlier, because when we were doing Daniel Sloss and Friends in Perth on Saturday night, because obviously this injury happened during the Friday, people were asking me where's Kai, one of the friends this week, I was like no he's away doing a music festival we think he might have gotten in a fight last night because we

hadn't heard this story yet, you're probably asking yourself, Daniel why were you talking to so many fans at the Perth theatre gig, do you remember December when we played Perth concert hall last time, what happened during the interval yes, the fire alarm went off It did

because somebody was smoking in the bathrooms Yeah someone was because it was after we'd just done some epic long journeys and I was like I'll get the show sound checked

I'll do my set and I'll fuck off and then when I was fucking off I just came out and just hung out in the car park Yeah because the fire alarm had gone off So you know

these things happen mistakes are made it's none of the staff it's just one how many tours we've done ten yeah about that

we've done about ten tours never a fire alarm like an average of about 150 shows that's based on some of them having 30 and some of them

having 300 yeah 1500 shows one fire alarm yep are you telling me that second per show you had another fire alarm are you telling me that second pervert show

you had another fire alarm so you think it's the venues problem no no so that's right we're backstage

the line up is I've got on Liam Farrelly got a new guy called Daniel Petrie I don't know if you've seen him before

I saw his name listed for something that would day in air yeah yeah oh man he's real good class yeah

like Marlena kept sort of pestering me to have him on I'm like I haven't seen him but you know sure enough and you know I trust Marlena's

judgement on comedy because all of our clients are like friends and stuff and comedians that I fucking really rate so I know she's

got a good eye for it but I also had the scepticism of like you've also sang some shit before aye there's been some stuff that doesn't work out

they came and went now aye but he fucking smashed Hannah Fairweather smashed and then Ryan Cullen did it em

I was just addicted to him the whole time I brought him on too he's big he's bald we all know what he's called Ryan Cullen Ryan Cullen

eh before the gig we're all backstage and we're all in the fucking green room so this is a Saturday so I've already woke up and showed you the fucking damage it's about 10 minutes before the show starts I've got my fucking vape on me and literally I take a puff

I blow out I watch as it slowly makes its way to a fire detector you try to get in between it man i panicked like a kit like a kitten playing with fucking yarn right it went up there the fire alarm went off and i went oh no oh no oh no oh no and the furnace shouldn't have managed trying to get a sugar with your coffee the fucking second it hit like the fire alarm went off and I'm like, oh my fucking God, oh my God, I'm a fucking idiot, right?

All my knowledge of, like, the fact that, you know, water vapour doesn't set off fire alarms, it's not these things that does it, it's trying to look out smoke, not just fucking perspiration, essentially,

not perspiration, but you know what I mean, liquid in the air. None of that matters because the facts are, I blew out smoke, the entire fucking fire alarm comes off and I'm like,

oh my God, Marlena's like, you're a fucking idiot and I'm like, yeah, I'm a fucking idiot and I'm like oh my god Marlene it's like you're a fucking idiot and I'm like yeah I'm a fucking idiot I'm a big dumb cunt so we go outside

just getting fined for that we go outside and all the fans are fucking coming out and I'm just and I'm saying to the staff I'm like it's all me

like fucking fair enough and I'm yelling to the audience as they come out I'm like it's not a real fire I'm sorry but we do have to fucking go through this thing

and man I am mortified what a stupid fucking I'm sorry but we do have to fucking go through this thing and i'm man i am mortified what a stupid fucking i'm bigger than the rules consequences don't apply to me because i'm the name of the fucking thing right and then i'm just sat there and i'm apologizing to a member of staff i'm like i'm i'm really sorry it was very unprofessional and he went what was i went i set the fire alarm off he went you were in the foyer on the first floor and I went what and he goes somebody elbowed the fire alarm

and the timing was perfect the timing of it was un-fucking-believable imagine imagine right you just with

all of the like fucking authority you could must have was like it was me it was the thing cancelled

cancelled because these things like automatically send a memo to the fucking fire memo singing telegram turns up and goes

there's been a fire there's been a pigeon just flies away from the theatre unfurls the note there's a fire at Perth Theatre

oh my god a talking pigeon it's just water it came in and it said fire what was I supposed to do I thought it was a suicidal pigeon

so I so what you have to do is like fucking cancel the fire brigade from coming that's what it was at the leisure centre

back in the day anyway so they probably had that imagine you just went in somebody had like fucking actually had a fire the kitchen was fucking burning and all that right

and there was an actual fire and you went no it was me with a vape cancel it cancel it all stop the fire brigade get everybody back into this burning building

we can hear the screams coming from the kitchen they're probably scared it's a loud noise aye it's the lobsters they're making lobsters just the air coming out

their shells oh but man the fucking relief to go from that was 100% my fault too they were able to fucking

verify the fire alarm had gone in we're like yep so unfortunately because somebody fucking we hope that it was an accidental thing

that it was just somebody fucking did you switch from like oh my god sorry guys it was me it was an accident I was smoking a vape I didn't know I could do that

anybody can make a mistake please forgive me it was me. It was an accident. I was smoking a vape. I didn't know I could do that. Anybody can make a mistake. Please forgive me. It was somebody else. Who? What an idiot. Man, I went on stage, sounded like the most Scottish meme in the world, and I was like, it was fucking what he is.

It's disgusting. Disgusting. Like two in a fucking row. Two in a fucking row. Now, Perth is always one of our fucking favourite gigs in Scotland. I think it comes from the fact that not only is it just a fun place to do comedy, but because it's one of the places that we've done so consistently on tour. We built the audience before you'd done much TV,

so there's this critical mass of people that feel like they knew you before you were famous. Oh, man. One of the lovely ladies whose name escapes me for the time being has five photos in there that I'll show you after this of her being with us through the years. And it's really nice because... Maureen, I'm a coffee. She does Inverness, mostly. Eden Corde.

Yeah, because we've got photos from back when I was bleach blonde and you had your bob. Well, so you've got all those. But it's a really beautiful set of photographs because uh this woman uh beat cancer so in like one of the photos a halfway through is where she's got no hair she's been going through the chemotherapy and then the next two after that are her with us again and she's just getting healthier yeah just getting better and it's a really nice way to see just watching we're go in different directions. She's getting healthier and we're getting fucking deteriorated.

Oh, and we looked... Like, did you... I have to ask. Did you, in the 10 years we've known each other, did you get your bong eye fixed at any point? Have you had any extra surgery on it? Because, like, these younger photos are... I'm like, they're excessive.

It's way worse than it was. Yeah. You know what? You probably didn't notice as much because it's very rare I'm drunk they're excessive it's way worse than it was yeah you know what you probably didn't notice as much because like it's very rare like I'm drunk and you're not so I think it's just when I'm fucked

I think it's when I'm fucked and you're probably not looking at me and you're not looking at me in the eyes if you're fucked yeah I save that for when we're sober

you're being a noob while doing it oh class good on that one alright so we got all those ones and you know it was You've been in new? While doing it? Oh, class. Good on, eh, man? Aye. So we got all those ones. And, you know, it was... But if it happens again at fucking Perth,

like, at that point... So you've told a few hundred people in Perth that I got stabbed? Yeah, well, because I was outside, because we were all out queuing together, and because for so long I thought it was fucking my fault, like, the fourth wall was ruined, and also it doesn't really exist with the fucking people in Parth.

It'd be like being in Kirkcaldy. Being like, oh, you know. Punch drunk. Yeah. You know the people. So we ended up hanging out and just talking to heaps of them. And everyone was happy because Cara and Caelan were there. And they got to, you know, see him.

And he was fascinated by the fire brigade and everything. But if it happens again at Perth we are going to have to for like the fourth gig in Perth get extra security standing beside every single fucking fire alarm. This is not a funny bit. It's allowed. I believe the first one

was an accident because that was somebody smoking in the toilets we know that was that. This one was somebody accidentally we hope banging a fucking fire alarm if it happens a third time more fool us aye aye

and then I just want to fucking see how good Linda's Fun Festival is as well like it's such a because it's really compact right but there's like still quite a lot of shit

going on but there's just such a good vibe in the air like it's a proper like there's zero hostility but this is the difference right you know when there's zero hostility

it's somewhere like Bestival like the people zero hostility. But, this is the difference, right? You know, when there's zero hostility at somewhere like Bestival. Like, the people at Bestival couldn't fight if they wanted to. Like, this is a bunch of people that are pretty hard.

Aye, yeah. And there's no hostility. Yeah, everyone in Lindisfar has, like, a fight record.

Aye. Like, seven and three, nineteen and four. Aye, and there's, like, fucking mad tattoos

and all that, right? It's a fucking, it's a good, it's a good, like, it's proper salt of the earth good, Coen, to say all that it's a fucking it's a good like it's proper salt of the earth good cunt it's like it's like a fucking festival of punch drunk where everyone's just fucking nice to each other and kind to each other but like it's fucking

I just think there's something unless you're a member of security trying to just do your job so people don't get crammed in a tent even then the way I approached it wasn't exactly like you would be like,

oh, fuck, not let this in, like, how do I square cool? I definitely approached that in a hilarious manner. There's definitely feel-good vibes into how I broke into the tent. Can I ask what

Chili Scissors is? Oh, so, hi. So this is what's getting me, you know, like, so I come back from this and Natalie's like, you know how when she just remained as a me age, it was one of the areas where I'm just like, yeah, fit, you know,

I've got this big thing, and I'm sat having breakfast or whatever, and then she's like, you've got a cut on your head. See that cut there? Oh, aye. And I just went, aye, and now I'm on a beat of a festival. Didn't even explain it, this is what happened. I'm trying to get it to the festival when we can, right? It's, like, nearly finished. I'm not trying to get in. o'r ffestiwl ddim hyd yn oed yn ei ddangos bod hyn yn yr hyn sy'n digwydd rydw i'n ceisio mynd i'r ffestiwl pan fyddwn ni'n gallu iawn mae'n dechrau i gydag i ddod i mewn dwi'n mynd i ddrin fy can ar y ffordd o'r 10 o'r ffestiwl ac yn y le i'r gwaith oedd e'n dechrau i fynd i mewn a dwi'n dweud hi'n ddewr

ac fe wnes i'n ei roi drwyddo mae fel yna ffyn yw'r ffyn yw'r top un o'r binnau a dwi'n meddwl ei fod i'w gael i'ch canau oedd y canau yna a dwi'n gwybod a yw hynny i'r drws neu beth thinking that it's for your cans, or the can ones there. I'm like, well, that's for fucking drugs or what? Well, that's for all the programmes of, what do we do with a drunken sailor? And I'm trying to get it through there, I'm off my tits, right? Like a fucking two-year-old, that doesn't understand,

the shape and holes game. Exactly. And, my mate Michelle's with us, right, and she's like, fucking laughing, because I'm trying to get this through,

and I looked at her, I looked at that, and I went, bang, like that, across the can. It didn't buckle I used my heat

to smash it through the hole and it didn't even crumble and I'm like ah and the fucking security guards are like are you alright mate like no no

I'm clearly unwell I need help and she's fucking howling so I'm there I'm there with Natalie and she's like you've got a you've got a cut in your head

and I'm like no I'm going to have been to a festival just having a nice time and it's Inquisition and er so that same day yesterday er we're cooking a meal and I'm chopping up the steak so that same day yesterday

we're cooking a meal and I'm chopping up the steak because we're fucking making a stir fry right chopping up the steak and Natalie just went I feel like I need to say

this guy don't put these scissors in your eyes because I've been chopping chilli with them and I looked at her as if to give you know how every time you say something like that I'm like you've got a caricature of me in your head I just looked at her as if to give you know how every time

you say something like that I'm like you've got a caricature of me in your head I just looked at her she's like go on then go on then

should I not have mentioned it I was like I want to do it I wasn't even thinking about doing it it's like you're trying to make us do it

and did you avoid the temptation did I but it was quite funny that she was just she wasn't even doing a bit she felt the need

to tell us so funny like she must be having a laugh though it must be quite funny going out with me right yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah sure yeah um i can see uh you know times in your relationship i mean i know you do when there's just things about you where your partner loves 100 of who you are and you know that's they they take the goods with the bad and hopefully realistically, all the positives outweigh the negatives. But whenever you do one of your bad habits or whenever you have a lapse in judgment or something or a slight character flaw, they don't say it to you because they're not like, oh, this thing you do fucking annoys me or this way. But they don't do that because they don't want to make you feel bad.

But they can't fully hide it in their face and or tone. Yeah. There was a bit of that, like... Yeah. There was a bit of that. So, Cara's one at the moment, and it's... I feel bad about it,

because when you're in a relationship, when you're being parents, if you lack in something, whether it's discipline, or whether it's affection, or whether it's discipline or whether it's affection or whether it's ability to do something you create a void that your partner has to fill right and that that can be very unfair in relationships like if you're the lenient parent that you're making the other one have to be strict and that's not fair because then you're the fun parent and they're the bastard and if you if you're relaxed with your admin

the other one has to do the paperwork if you're untidy somebody has to tidy up they have to tidy up more there's stuff in our relationship I certainly do more of the cleaning in the house but that's because Cara does that's my small weight in the scale as well like I'll go I'll do this bit

and the scales don't move it's me doing Caelan's nappy compared to her getting him to sleep and breastfeeding him like I'm just like no complaints I'm trying to fill the massive gap you've left because you're doing all these other things and I'm trying to fill this

we're doing the baby led weaning with Caelan which is a terrifying but correct concept like our grandparents cannot fathom what we're doing because there was this generation of adults who just decided to puree everything, despite the fact that, you know, when we were kids... And that's a baby food, yeah, puree.

Yeah, yeah, and that's how you... And that's what... And this is the same generation that complained about a generation of picky eaters. And you're like, yeah, because you didn't introduce us to textures until we were five years old. Like it's as always with the older generations everything you hate about the younger generation is something you fucking created you left the void we fucking

filled you you hit them you you picked them up and hit a man with them yeah skiing skiing so ice skating with the baby like you just, you give them full bits of food. You obviously steam them so they're softened down. But it's very fun to watch your kid discover food and like things and try things that we don't, because we don't want our kid to be as picky as we are. We hate the fact that we're picky eaters. It's something I try and change myself in every day.

But 30 years of learning behaviour is kind of hard to override so is that that is do you reckon that's why people that come from a bit more hardship on picky eaters because they didn't have the opportunity they didn't have these middle-class fad baby eating yeah concept all right well so this one is just this is the way i assume kids were introduced to a while ago which is whatever you eat you give it to your. And kids have really good gag reflexes. The thing that the health visitor says to us before we started it is, if their face goes red while they're eating,

that's good. That's them gagging on something. It's going to be so funny when in 30 years' time you realise you got this wrong and your baby just loves choking now. Caelan dies of auto-erotic asphyxiation when he's 30

and you're like what could it have been I do worry about him because at the moment he loves like when I pretend to eat his feet right

which I do regularly I eat both skulls I am I am I creating a pervert like am I biting his little toes and then in the fucking future,

when he starts having sex at whatever age, he's just like, like a girl or a guy or fucking whatever, puts his toes in his mouth and he goes, oh God, I really like that. And I can't tell why. Because daddy used to do it. Yeah, yeah.

Then daddy issues. I know, I know gagging is fine, right? Because their windpipes are about the size of a fucking straw like gagging just gets to the back and then they go

ah ah ah ah ah and then it comes out and their face goes if their face goes blue that's when something's caught in the windpipe I don't know even though I've had

that explained to me several fucking times and even though I've seen Cale and Gag on food several times every time it fucking happens,

I become... Say goodbye to them. No, no, no. My instinct isn't run and slap my babies back. I get a fucking flappy hand and I go, Cara! Cara! And she's like, stop freaking out in front of them. Ah, yeah, this is your pet

head? Yeah. And you're doing your own pet head? Oh, but I just, I don't have, I thought I would be the strong one in this relationship. I thought I would be the one that'd be like, no, no, like this is the way he does it. And if he cries and he's upset. Cry me a river. Yeah, yeah.

We've got to get through it. It's a baby, it doesn't matter. Whereas she's just like, she's like, leave the room for the lover. I want to watch my sonny. She's like, you can't. If your reaction to your child going through a perfectly normal thing is, like a penguin trying to fly.

There's a lion on its way. I'll get him. I'm like, surely my paternal instinct should be much stronger than, like, moths, the things I hate most about. That's what I do an impression of. It's gutting when you find out your gut reaction is one of an absolute coward. Yeah, yeah.

Like in Hawaii when we're doing the zip line tour. Yeah. But to get between zip lines, you have to go through the little bit of jungle or whatever and he's talking about how there's warthogs. Yeah. So be careful about them. Oh, yeah, because the mum's just given birth

and they're super territorial and very defensive yeah like we're in Hawaii that's not what I went with and then he just makes he comes in the woods rattles some bushes and goes

I fucking dived behind me brother-in-law dived behind him like Alex no and he was just like what's happening Are you scared of the man Making very bad

Warthog noises Yeah I'm just playing along It was very funny And I did a bit I did a bit Aye Like literally

The only brown person There as well And like my wife Was also there but Yeah yeah She's the whitest brown person Yeah yeah And we don't consider her

That person I know brown or white I know brown or white people than my wife but that's because i'm from black yeah yeah yeah yeah that's that's the fucking thing on neon beach um so ah your baby choking that was i just i wish i was well because it's the same thing that happens as well where I wish I was, well, because it's the same thing that happens as well, where,

like, when it comes to bedtime, Cara's right in all of these things. Her approach is what, before Cailin came into the world, she is what I thought I was going to be, which is logical, still empathetic,

but, but, I really put the pathetic in empathetic. Like, like, when we're sitting down watching something and the monitor's on, if he cries, I fly upstairs instantly because all I want to do is go up, put his white noise machine back on, put the dumb in his mouth, fine. Whereas her thing, which is the correct thing,

is he has to learn to self-soothe. If he's winding himself up and he's clearly pissed his pants or he's starving or he's just in so much fucking distress but that we we've got to give him two or three minutes and fucking i swear to god for somebody who's so obsessed with being on time my perception of time fully fucking yeah because when he's joking i'm like he's been joking for 17 minutes cara she's like it's the like, he's been joking for 17 minutes, can't I? She's like, it's the first thing he's put in his mouth.

Yeah. He cries for like six seconds and I'm like, what? We're just going to let him get depression up there, are we? She's like,

he's absolutely fine. And sure enough, by the time I get upstairs, he's self-soothed to sleep. Yeah, and you think you're doing lasting damage by leaving him when actually it's

like important learning. No, yeah, all the lasting damage I'm just doing on myself. Yeah, true you think you're doing lasting damage by leaving him when actually it's important learning. No, yeah, all the lasting damage I'm just doing on myself. Yeah, true. So we've got a friend who's got a baby the same age as Caelan and they're going through the same thing. And he's like, they're trying to get him to feed himself, right? And he'll only do it when they feed him.

So she was like, I'll leave the room so he can't see us and just watch him through the corner of the glass on the door. And she was like, so Natalie's telling us this, she's like, so Lincoln, look and run for someone to feed him and then I was like no one's here, I'll do it but he'll not do that when she's there but Natalie was telling me this

like a fable that I could learn from and I'm like, oh yeah right, aye that's it, oh there's a message in this that I need to pick up aye it's eh it's like

I don't know why you just think Natalie's got the fucking meal plan with all the stuff that she'll cook it up everything if like

if she was away for the weekend I'd be like I'm hungry I'll have waffles I'm like donkey donkey and in the morning

I'm making waffles that's enough Shrek is it aye my favourite film before we end this one then go on to

the Patreon episode how do you feel the fringe went I loved it aye aye I never got in

thinking I never got in with expectations from like external locus of control you know like what other people are going to do for you, who's going to come to your show that can change your career what journalists are going to say that are going to change

the public opinion on like fucking what you're doing, like to take you up to the next level I'm just like internal locus of control and as far as everything that I've got a grip on like everything went well everything that I've got a grip on, everything went well. Everything that I could do went well.

As far as getting people who know who I am already to come to my show, to put on the best show I could possibly put on, the timing of it. I'd done everything that I needed to do right and I can walk away and pat myself on the back and say I've had a good fringe. But I can see the absolute fucking fallout for people who had

high expectations on their external locus of control and I'd hate to be in that headspace aye yeah

when you to leave your happiness up to other people which to be fair is something that all comedians are guilty of because

man that is where we get our happiness from aye the approval of roomfuls of strangers but then obviously when the festival's there all comedians are guilty of because, man, that is where we get our happiness from. Right. The approval of roomfuls of strangers. But then, obviously, when the festival's there, it goes beyond that.

It's not just about the people that are there in the show. You suddenly then put it onto the people that haven't come to the show. You suddenly put it onto these...

I'd say kicking off with a room with 12 people in because there's empty seats and you're like, they're not the people, they're the exact opposite people that you should be mad at. Aye.

They're the people that you should be fucking supremely grateful for and Gannouten gave them the best show he could possibly give them and

fucking leave the rest of the baggage in the back green room like Robin Granger did to the one person he played with I really enjoyed it

to the point where I don't know if I'll ever do a full festival run again because you quite enjoyed the oh mate you know what just ticking

the Mondays off was golden. Mondays and Tuesdays off, and also next year, because of the way touring there works, is I'll just be doing the fucking Playhouse next year, and then the Fringe after that might still be on the same tour, so, you know, who knows where it goes. There were,

there were holes in the show, not necessarily holes, but bits where, you know, where I'm just trying to fucking get it into shape, and there was definitely, in the final week, I think I had like three or four, not bad shows, but bad shows for me.

For me, anything, like I would record the set, and the second I walked off stage, I would write, fringe, 12, great,

8 out of 10, and the next day, I'd be like, fringe, 13, fine, 7 out of 10. Anything less than my perception of what a fucking 7 out of 10 gig is,

is a failure to me. Yeah, yeah, you didn't want them. No, no. You're allowed one or two. Yeah, don't drop your threshold of satisfaction doing a 7 out of 10, otherwise you're going to really fucking stagnate. Yeah, yeah.

And I know it's a work in progress, and that's the thing Cara kept reminding me. She's like, it's a work in progress. that's the thing Cara kept reminding me she's like it's a work in progress 7 out of 10 or less should have some external locus of control things that went wrong

aye and what book did you read recently where you learned locus of control I don't know whatever Natalie just read whatever the fuck

Natalie just read because you've dropped it into conversation five times I'll be honest with you for the first two I was like the fuck is a locust of control?

Like a zen grasshopper? Locust. Spell it. L-O-C-U-S. What's it mean? Matthew? I'm with you. Alright.

Aye, so I was, because I've done... Hello? It's locust of control is how much individuals perceive that they themselves have control over their own actions as opposed to events in life occurring instead because of external forces. Aye, we've got a lot of people around with that that blame everything except themselves.

Yeah, aye. And it's just making sure you don't be like that. Oh, so yeah, you're in control of your own happiness to well i mean well just like if you're doing everything you can do then be happy with that yeah yeah if you didn't let everything that out there are the outside fucking noise like getting a bleeding eye yeah um so i was getting a bit of my own head just because it wasn't going as well as i wanted to i wasn't doing as much writing as i thought it'd do as well i thought like i'd come home and be like oh i'll edit the fucking show and then I didn't because my son's

here and obviously I want to just hang out with my son and I want to just chill and see all the people doing the fringe, ended up obviously so much of the show is like dad stuff and even though I said I didn't want to do dad stuff I acknowledge that within the show but it just felt like, I mean there's no ending yet

and I know there doesn't have to be a big ending but I always do like there to be some sort of through line and for it all to connect together. And I wasn't really finding that thing that really makes it click until I received this message, which has wound Cara up to absolutely fucking no end. I don't think this is a spoiler for the show too much you messaged just off

a punter, off a fan, yeah off a fan who came to the show and I think it was in one of the shows where I think I mentioned it, somebody collapsed basically, they're fine, they've messaged they're all good, they're all safe

and they've got tickets to an upcoming show. So I've got obviously a bit of my show about how hard I mean people who listen to the podcast when it was just me smoking weed after Caelan was born, a whole bunch of those thoughts have obviously made their way into the show because I found them

quite funny and I'm like oh my god I didn't realise that was my opinion, I've turned it into material. I'm sorry if it feels repetitive but that is my writing process and if you don't want it to be rude in the future, don't listen to the podcast. Yeah that's the thing like a few people, I got a message off someone saying that

I thought The Fringe was meant to be new stuff I haven't done The Fringe since 2018 everything was new there was one bit in that I totally fucking changed to fit, that was from 2014, right, but it totally fit in,

with the Black Lives Matter stuff, right, and I was like, oh, this like works so much better now, and it actually has callbacks, and other things, right,

I guarantee anybody's seen, or remembers, my 2014 show, that was barely attended, right, so, it's totally safe, to put this like,

three minute bit in, everything else is brand new, and somebody messaged meaged and I've like seen half an hour of that before I thought it was meant to be new stuff and you're like

oh if you've ever listened to the podcast and heard the ideas being born before they got fucking polished and repurposed and put out on the stage

or they might have seen us opening our new tour aye well I guess look it's fucking fair criticism anyone who's like

to me like I heard some of the stuff on the podcast, I'm like, yeah, you did, because that's where those ideas were born, and they were funny then. I still think they're funny. And I like to think I give them like a new thing for them to enjoy from it.

So I've obviously got a bit about how difficult childbirth is. If you don't want any spoilers for my show, turn off the podcast now, because it will be ending after this anyway. We'll see you at the Patreon one. Got a lot of stuff about how traumatic childbirth is for men. Because obviously that's a funny opinion to have. As an aside, I don't know whether you can pass over

to Daniel. I work as a midwife and while I was aware of the unspoken trauma men can be exposed to in the birthing room I was blown away by the extent to which an entire audience of men related to Daniel's words. I know it probably doesn't mean very much, but I've promised myself from now on to double the effort

to ensure that the partners in my rooms are looked after and checked in with. Cara was seething. Oh, man. I hope if I have kids I end up with her I won't like I mean can I have a nice lolly you know

you know how the dentists give out stickers I just think it'd be a real nice idea if you also gave stickers to all the other big brave boys like me nah

because your bit is the hopefully everybody that doesn't want spoilers to turn it off it's the bit like where you've been wounded at war

but like there's someone more wounded than you by miles like they've lost all their legs obviously women's trauma is much more but because of this

you know Matt it's really really difficult to watch the person that you love with all of your heart almost die like what's what's worse who's it worse for the person that you love with all of your heart almost die.

Like, what's worse? Who's it worse for? The person with dementia or the person that has to watch their loved one get dementia? Yeah. Like, I'm sure there's shit there, but what, you know? But you know what? Like, there is, like, just because they're going through something less

doesn't mean they're not going through something. So maybe the midwife is right of a point but you're like this is the point where we're getting woke but also woke towards men and that's the bit that I think Cara's like and I said to Cara

I'm like I'm like love sweetheart doll you've got to remember I did X for the ladies now it's a show for the blokes

I fixed that You've got to remember, I did X for the ladies. Now it's a show for the blokes. I fixed that. Now it's time to fucking fix this. Thank you very much. Chloe, if you listen to this podcast, thank you very much for that compliment because it did put the wind back in your sails. We're not making fun of you. No, no, no.

You're right. You're right. And I am right. And I'm glad the show is having some sort of external profound effect because that's always the benefits of doing these shows and suddenly going, oh, wow, okay, people do listen, and sometimes, you know, it isn't just, you know, I mean, it's just fucking stupid jokes,

but if people can take more from your art than you intended there to be, then it makes you look good. That's quite nice. If, like, there's something that you didn't put in there but they take from it you're going oh that's yours yeah

that's not mine you take from it what you need but also the amount of comments I get from fucking fathers after the show who are just like brother

yeah oh right well thank you very much to all the people that came to the Perth show and fucking stood through the fire alarm. Thanks to everyone who came to the Fringe. And as always, thank you for listening to this stupid fucking podcast.

And we're getting back on tour now, so check his website and we'll come to wherever you are. Oh, yeah, New York. New York people. I'm doing two weeks there, but I'm doing, like, I think 18 shows. They're not sold out yet yet so come and see those and tell your friends to come and see them

and while you're doing that I'm opening for Doug Stanhope on a day I'm going to go and do some Punch Drunk gigs in Blyth and Ashington

I'm going to be at the Comedy Store in London Hot Water in Liverpool and this weekend when does this go on out? you might have missed it Glee in Glasgow

but I have alright you've missed that but you can this weekend when does this go on out you might have missed it Glee in Glasgow alright you've missed that but you can come see is it Liverpool or London you