Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Cowman and Milkboy (Ft. Ryan Cullen)

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

Baldy man Ryan Cullen joins Muggins in the kitchen to tell all about his recent recreational MRI scan. Kai has been absolutely fleeced in a one sided wager with his wife. The pair go after practitioners of Karate safe in the knowledge their licence to kill isn't worth the paper it's printed on. #41   www.thistlycrosscider.co.uk Discount Code: THISTLYSLOSSSEPTEMBER

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Right. To anybody that's watching the podcast, listeners, we'll talk you through this. We look like we're in a cult. We do. We do. We look like we've took off our hoods. Yeah.

We're just having a five-minute break between chasing them lot out of town yeah because you you would have to wear white under a KKK hood oh yeah because you'd come out

kind of rude oh yeah imagine you were wearing get the navy off you imagine you were wearing a red top underneath your KKK like it would come through the white exactly

wouldn't it I never thought of it that way which is the cleanest oh yours is definitely going to be the cleanest well mine's fresh on like I think You've done

You've left the house You travelled a little bit in it So I like Yeah Neither of us iron Yeah no No

Who does that I think like That is something That I've Resonated with When I saw the meme I was like That's a bit of me

It's like The thing I'm proud of Proud of most About our generation Is we've just cut out ironing. Yeah. I know so many irons. They're socks, like.

You know when the opportunity cost, is that the right word for it? The time you're putting in doesn't match the reward you're getting from it. Like any meal with spring onions. Okay, right. And I do have meals with spring onions, but every time I'm chopping them, I'm like, not worth it. Yeah, you're not doing anything for me. It's not doing enough for us for the effort I do have meals with spring onions, but every time I'm chopping them, I'm like, not worth it. Yeah, you're not doing anything for me.

It's not doing enough for us for the effort I'm putting in for spring onions. There's a couple like that. Do you ever cut up ginger? Yeah. Fuck that. I make ginger shots. Don't worry. What?

Do you want a ginger shot? I'll have a ginger shot. A little ginger shot. It's fruit, what do you think? Right, go for it. What the fuck have I meant? I can't believe I mentioned ginger and you've managed to do this. By the way, we do dress

it looks religious because we're both wearing white. And you know what? Everything looks kind of... I had to change the settings completely on this camera just so that you would be in focus. You look like Mr Burns when he was like uranium, Mr. Burns. I come in

peace, Mr. Burns. Yeah, yeah. Or, you know. A cocoon. Yeah, or Danny DeVito and it's always something when he loses two pounds of blood and he just goes sheet white. So you ever had a ginger shot? They'll charge you like 3.50 for them in like M&S

or whatever, but you can just make them yourself. I had one with Brett at Shindig Festival. Get that doing you. In one shot. That's a double shot, actually, it's 60 mil that. I'm not doing 60 mil of ginger. You're not doing 60 mil of ginger? Go on, you're like a donut, donut.

So there's just ginger, lemon juice, and apple juice. That's really good. Put in a blender. It's nice, isn't it? Good for your immune system. That's really good. Put in a blender. It's nice, isn't it? Good for your immune system. That's why I brought you here. I just want to put your immune system up. This is like...

You're trying to get rid of your tumour. My grandmother did that to me. Tricked you into coming around so she could give you nutrients. No, she tricked me to come around so she could bring me to the hospital while my mum wasn't there. She was like, there's definitely something wrong. And they were like, he's just really pale. But they didn't want to say that in front of your mom yeah she just didn't want she knew my mom would go mad my mom's like i've done this before i've done this dance i get randomly

bring brought to the hospitals i have a reason now but so you get you get a hospital because she's like there's something really wrong here your mom will just play it down as oh you'll be fine you'll be all right there's no the matter you're with your hypochondriac but he'll come in and go oh yeah you're dying i think it's be all right. There's no matter, you're a witch and you're a hypochondriac. But he'll come in and go, oh, yeah, you're dying. I think it's more, yeah, yeah. She just wanted to hear the cold cutting truth of like, that's not right, that. There shouldn't be blood and skin in that.

Yeah. It's like she's been treated kind of like as if my mother's killing me. You know, like one of those mad mothers that's like, you know, sticking arsenic in the cupcakes. That's what it is. It's like you're something. Munchausen mother.

Munchausen mother. It's Munchausen syndrome, isn't it? Munchausen syndrome. Everyone wraps up with that name. That's what it is. He's like, you're something. Munchausen mother. A Munchausen mother. That's... It's Munchausen syndrome, isn't it? Munchausen syndrome. Eminem raps about Eminem. That's a great name for Eminem. Fuck off. I jumped over that.

He's got this song. It's a clean up my closet. He raves about Munchausen syndrome or something. By the way, just while you're on that, Eminem, because it's only a joke that we like, but I found out that Royce the five foot nine is five foot eight he's actually catfishing with his name he's catfishing with his rap name i'm fascinated with royce the five nine and the thing that's like finding out bizarre is actually just pretty normal

um yeah i know you already changed that you go you tried to do it Without taking the piss out of me Changing the sentence To make me You go You've kind of got a tan now Yeah Basically Whatever you see

I'm way whiter And I am white Well I fly like a dragon I roast a five nine Like He gave it a shot didn't he Aye

Yeah he was Yeah I gave him a shot I like I he? Yeah. Yeah, he was, yeah. I give him a shot. I listen to his stuff. So when you say I give him a shot, because you know he's always the featured guy. He's always featuring Royce. I wonder if that's how Daniel Sloss fans see me.

I wonder if when he's not here, it's like they're listening to a Royce the Five Named album. Featured, you're the pitbull. Oh, fuck, I'm Royce. The dawning of the realization that I'm Royce the Five Named. Obi Trice. All frills, all gimmicks. He needed a pseudonym and a gimmick.

What? Obi Trice. If he had a pseudonym and a gimmick, he would have done that, right? He would have been a fucking superstar. Mind, he had one of the best albums in the fucking... in the decade. And I fucking skipped every verse he did. It was our Nate Dogg.

Oh, right. I'm an M50. All the featured artists were incredible, like, spitting fire, like, some absolute fucking bangers on there. And then every time Moby Trey spoke, you're like, oh, come on. Get to the chorus. This is terrible because I love him, but this is like Obi-Trei spoke you're like oh come on get to the chorus this is terrible because I love him

but this is like Wu-Tang for me when old dirty bastard used to come on because they'd be all like fucking they'd be like

RZA, JZA and all these people are all fucking flying out these verses and then it comes out old dirty bastard and he'd be like I'm feeling only

and they're like come on old dirty bastard was never that old he died fairly young he did he shot wasn't he I remember Come on. Old Dirty Bastard was never that old. He died fairly young. He shot, wasn't he? I remember him.

I'm going to go on ahead and say I'm now older than Old Dirty Bastard. I don't know the fact. Okay. I feel like I did look it up recently. What age would you think Old Dirty Bastard, you were looking up Old Dirty Bastard? In fairness, I can't argue that. Did you get stuck on Wikipedia? No, it was Natalie was driving, Old Dirty Bastard. In fairness, I can't argue with that. Did you get stuck on Wikipedia? No, it was, Natalie was

driving, Old Dirty Bastard was on, and I fucking looked up how old Old Dirty Bastard was, and I'm sure, so I'm saying I've got a feeling. Okay. It's based on knowledge. It was old. Old. Well. So it might have been short for something else. It might have been an oligarch. It was deafy.

Oligarch Dirty Bastard. That's so good That's why he was shot He was shot wasn't he in a nightclub That's what happened to Proof I don't even know Proof I got one I said that like it was me

Proof was the one who was good on day 12 Ah okay yeah That makes a lot of sense I want to roll away like a rollerblade i tell my eyes roll back in my skull for days there you go said stuff like that okay in such lanes as that okay is that robert frost that was from purple pills that was oligarch dirty but i do like the start of i only know the very first the very start of purple pills they called it purple hills and on the radio yeah It made no sense whatsoever. You know what? I feel like it made more sense

when it was Purple Hills because it's about mushrooms. It's about the outdoors. It's about fucking psychedelics. That's what it feels like it's about. So the blue and yellow purple hills. Yeah. I felt like it's a bit more like mushroomy. But then when it's pills, what are they taking that's

making them hallucinate? That's true. In pill form? 2C-B? Is 2C-inate that's true pill foam 2CB that would be the only one that would make sense because that's like when you see people like Elliot not Elliot

I just did a thing yesterday where I fucking was like rinsing Elliot the whole podcast oh right that happens a lot people that listen to both I just did a thing yesterday where I fucking was like rinsing Elliot the whole podcast. Oh, right. That happens a lot. People that listen to both of our podcasts are just so familiar with Elliot. That's okay.

Yeah, because that was basically a callback to another podcast. I was like, oh, Elliot's always fucking. But you know the type of person that would be like, God, I have the munchies now after a pill or something. Oh, yeah. You haven't taken it, have you? Food will turn to dust in youries now after a pill or something. Oh, yeah. You haven't taken it, have you? Food will turn to dust in your mouth if you try and eat now.

Yeah, yeah. That's not going to work. Yeah. No, I've got, what the fuck I was saying there?

So, you've been, Peggy, she's been a little bit, she chases flies around the house, which is, we've got the door open

because it's actually she's she's scraping I'm going to have to deal with this this isn't good podcast content so Matthew can you just edit around this bit you were about to tell me about

your cat but I hard cut you because when you said hard cut I was like you do it do you want me to shout something randomly as if just no just no I look look all I'm saying is fucking Peggy there was going for trying to scrape the light off the wall which is very funny just you know stupid animals and all that

Mike there's a moth that's like a tiny little moth that's been around in my bedroom that appears every three days it came out your wallet I don't know how you old fashioned laugh that's been around in my bedroom that appears every three days. It came out your wallet? Yeah. I don't know how you old-fashioned laugh there. She stands up in the top of the wardrobe,

and this moth will sit on the roof, but only about two inches. That puts her slightly off balance. So the cat can't jump because she'll fall to her, well, not death, but you know what I mean? I'm glad you mentioned that it was a cat because people are listening on. Who's this Molly? Is it his cousin?

It's Mona. Dead name of my cat. Did I just dead name your cat? I don't remember this. You fucking changed the name of your cat. Yeah, I changed the name of the cat. What made you do that? Because...

It doesn't matter with a cat, right? Because it's not... I wouldn't do it to a dog. Yeah. It was still a kitten. Uh I wouldn't do it to a dog. Yeah. It was still a kitten. Uh-huh. She was still a kitten. So I was like, well, let's change it.

And it was pretty close. It went from Molly to Mona. We started with MO, kind of, right? But like Molly, it's a black cat. Mona the Vampire. And it was right there. Mona the Vampire? I didn't know Mona the Vampire.

What's that of? Do you know the cartoon, Mona the Vampire? Mona the Vampire. And she has a little black cat and wears bat wings. Is this an Irish thing? No. This is like a cartoon network. It just makes it show my age a little bit.

Well, I don't know. I think we're on a different cartoon side. But I also think, in fairness to you, Mona the Vampire would still have been, I would have been slightly too old. I would have been just on the cusp of things. Right. So it would be even worse for you.

Okay, yeah. I think I missed that yeah it's not I'm not doing a you don't know Johnny Bravo yeah I keenly count

Street Sharks we could do that but no I I changed the name of the cat alright and what

were you just not enjoying seeing Molly just didn't suit Molly just like you're total Joneson for drugs every time you

cat yeah got any he got a changer 2cb so to call her now uh yeah she fucking absolutely fine it took about a couple of days i was like what and then now it's like there's a cat they're not the same no i wouldn't do it to a dog you don't have to walk you don't have to like it's not a part of your day walking your cat. No. You don't have to walk your cat. I've never seen anybody

walk a cat. I have. With a harness. With a harness. Yeah. Or a lead. It's a bit mad. Because like,

I guess, are they quite impulsive? Like, my dog's quite impulsive as you've seen. She's running around trying to chase flies if a leaf goes by.

Like, man, she goes mad if she sees a squirrel. That's the end. That's why she doesn't get off the lead much because she does have good recall

when she's listening. But if she sees a squirrel, you have lost that for a bit. That's why I was worried about you coming in the day because if she's like, that was squirrels, I don't know what's going to be

like for you. You're all in the same bracket, especially when you've got your little lump in your neck as if you're hoarding hazelnuts. They're rodents. What? Aren't they?

They're rodents, aye. They get away with fucking murder for having bushy tails as well. Because that's just a rat. Right, yeah. Somebody's got to have made this observation before, but if you just put like a worm tail on a squirrel, they're not this fucking cute little woodland creature. Yeah.

They're vermin. It's actually fucking horrific then, thinking about it. The tail's doing a lot of the heavy lifting. Probably heavy lifting on a squirrel. If you chuck a worm tail on a squirrel, you're getting fucking people with their BB guns taking them out of the trees. And all the fucking rats are back,

just fucking pinging them away. Newer, like, conservation, like, fucking save the squirrel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just because they've got a bush tail on them. Fucking fickle beast sauce. That is fucking, but that is it. But do you not think, what happens if you had a big squirrel tail on them or fucking fickle beast sauce that is fucking but that is it but do you not think what happens if you had

a big squirrel tail on a rat that would be you wouldn't think that was pretty would you I don't know prettier prettier prettier

what about that fucking ones in Australia possums possums I like them they're a good laugh I hang out with them there

that guy missing for a couple of days he's just been on Mad One. Mad One with a pod of possums? Something like that. Working pods. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

That makes sense. A posse. A posse. A posse. It has to be a posse of possums. It better be a posse of possums. It's going to be something stupid, like a made-up word now.

A little dickle. You get like Parliament. Yeah. What's Parliament? Crows? No. Murder and crows. Murder and Crows. Murder and Crows.

Murder's the top answer if you're just, if you're asking for like a collective noun on family fortunes, murder is going to be the top answer. It's got to be.

Nice. Parliament will be up there. Murder. Tempted murder. Right. Well, yeah. I did get, it did,

what's the second thing though? I did have an mri yesterday yes that was my first one yeah so you're not you're not holding hazelnuts in your cheek pouches no they they really were just because i saw that black mirror episode where it pops out their head that the little metal bee is inside her head and they go in the mri and it just because it's magnetic it just rips through the skull yeah i was like they were like have you done anything where have you welded and i was like, they were like, have you done anything where, have you welded? And I was like, yeah, I've been welding.

I mean, you're Irish. Yeah, that's right. I mean, I've talked the lead off some roofs. They're like, is there metal in tarmac before we go through this? What do you mean? Why are you asking that? No, basically they were like, in case someone rips out your eyes, You know, no, basically, they were like,

you know, in case someone rips out your eyes, he goes, no, welding particles can get stuck in people's eyes for a long time. Oh God, that would be shite.

Because it would be like radiation, wouldn't it? Because radiation is just the fucking atom, the protons or whatever, just pinging around wild without a nucleus. Exactly. Is that what it is?

Yeah. You know, you're from Chernobyl. I don't think they're all scientists just because they've got four I suppose

they have multiple brains so stupid so so you went in for MRI you made sure

you had no metal in your body yeah they were like but they convinced you they'd ask you so many times you convinced yourself I was like do I have a Prince Albert the villains the villains fuck your show no i said that too

and they were like no and first anywhere else it's like well you don't have any metal phones oh that's right but yes they they were just like uh and they convinced me basically like for the first five minutes i was like it's going to rip out of me now. I'm going to be like, oh, that's right, I've got a pacemaker. Like an alien. Pacemaker. Stuck to the roof of the fucking sunbed. Is it like a sunbed? Yeah, I've never been in a sunbed. Do you know?

I've never been in the sun. No way. Believe it or not, that was what I was going to do once for Halloween. I used to go to the beds I don't know I feel like everyone from Newcastle has dabbled in it it is quite a Geordie thing I think that

I was going to do that for Halloween once just go two runs and it goes a tanned version of me they were like that's not funny I won't waste the money then I was just going to go as myself, but tanned For Halloween I'll just start a sequence of sunbeds

Between now and I'm tanned Ryan Cullen Tanned Ryan Cullen, yeah Black and tanned Black and tanned But you know They play movies inside it In the MRI?

It's fucking mind-blowing. Is it HDMI? So they go to me, right? They were like, it's noisy. Maybe they're just like, you're hallucinating. There's something seriously wrong if you've watched a film in there. They put earplugs in, first of all. Let me just reboot they put it they put

ear plugs in first because they're like it's noisy in there and then they put earphones over the top headphones sorry and i was like that this is very counterintuitive like you're putting in earplugs and then they're going to talk to you through this one and then they put another helmet on me as well because they were it's my head they're looking for they're looking for my head and then they slide you in right and then it so there's times it's i thought it was like a three minute job fucking thing took 45 minutes you're're in it. I didn't know that. They take loads of scans. How much is in your head? Everyone else, it's five minutes. But they're just untangling all your opinions about football.

All your wild fucking sport beliefs. I can see it. They're like dense parts of your brain just like cluttered. Two or three lads in hazmats pulling out like massive fucking bin bags of shit none of this is needed but back yeah they were like um so then they put me in the fucking thing it's like loads of mini scans it talks to you it's like right this scan will take three minutes and then it makes more noise for three minutes and then i'll be like this scan takes five minutes and then it starts going like a lot of different type of noise and when you're looking up it's at different

frequencies it must be i don't know what the fuck it's of what what is it because it's not it's not an ultrasound is it it's an action really what does mri stand for don't mass radiation injection i don't know they didn't inject me did they so then they were like then they're in the middle of it i didn't know this then they were like right so for the last two seven minutes so you know like half an hour i thought it was near the end they're like we have to inject you with dye your blood and i was like oh for fuck's sake so they're sticking like so i'm sitting in this fucking tube and they're hacking and the arm and everything like that and i was like but i've been asking this as i fucking said this is your blood different colour if you stabbed me

and I'd just start bleeding blue because it was blood in my oh well that's the that's one of them things I don't know if it's a fact or not

but it looks like it's a fact because your veins look blue right but like blood only turns red when it's like exposed to air

oxygen but obviously I've only ever seen blood on the outside it does look like it's blue there but that just might be the colour of my veins

like I'm sure I'm sure most it is the answer to that oh god i don't know it's like that football opinion when like someone like talks about how much of a die hard liverpool fan not a manchester united fan they are if you're cutting me to bleed red it just sounds macabre you're just hurting it yeah because it's like it's it's like they've tried to do like oh if you're cutting me you'd bleed blue yeah if he's, because it's like they've tried to do, like, oh, if you cut him, he'd bleed blue, if he's an Everton fan. But they've tried to do it that way, and it just doesn't work when it's the colour of blood.

You get it. I'm over explaining. There's an odd choice of film, by the way. So there is a film up on the roof, basically. No, that wasn't a bit. You can barely hear it because of the thing, but you can hear it a little bit. And I think it was an odd film choice

no it wasn't a bit they showed him i was like what the fuck they were like they're putting me in the god there's a movie on in there and i was like jesus christ i did not know this nobody's ever said this necessary technology yeah you're just in a place where they're so worried about like metal in your body to have like like the headphones talking to that and different frequencies yeah it just seems so like 45 you can't go on 45 minutes man yeah and our attention spans

are fucked it must be it must be something to do with trying to keep you calm people because they get into their own head if they have claustrophobia

that's where that must be it because you have an emergency button if you're getting anybody in there with autism or something like if you're getting

anybody oh they'll cause a whole scene if you're getting somebody with claustrophobia it might just be something to focus the mind it's like

I'm saying like oh you can last 45 minutes but I'm speaking for myself not everybody yeah yeah by the way

the film was Walk the Line which is that one again it's Johnny Cash's one so it's just it's like just loads of domestic abuse

and stuff is it well you know Johnny Cash that fucking Joaquin Phoenix Johnny Cash movie it's just him breaking up domestic abuse and stuff. Isn't it? Well, you know Johnny Cash, that fucking Joaquin Phoenix, Johnny Cash movie. It's just him breaking up with people and being a junkie and drinking. I mean, there's like a little pocket of time

where you were like, oh, you haven't seen that film and I'll make you watch it. And then there's just like a woman getting battered. It was Taxi Driver. We had, yeah. No, it was Taxi Driver. We watched it.

Rage and Bull. No, I think we watched Taxi Driver. No, we watched Taxi Driver. Taxi Driver. Does he beat a lass up with that? Somebody. Yeah, Jodie Foster gets kicked about, doesn't she? And then we watched True Romance.

Yeah, definitely gets battered in this other one. And then Tony Soprano beats up Uma Thurman. Did we not watch... Did we watch Imbruge? Okay. Did we not watch... Yeah, it's Patricia. And then we watched...

Did we not watch I Imbruge as well? Yeah. Because Colin Farrell decks that woman. Yeah. He's hit so many women in movies. I'm keeping my track. It's getting a little bit like when... Yeah.

When Tarantino writes in the N-word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or writes in sucking feet or whatever. You're like, ah, right, okay. We'll get what you're into here. That's so funny. The N-word and sucking feet

that's it that's what he is he's got two things the n-word and sucking feet from leading ladies fuck's sake yeah

so I was watching Walk the Line or whatever inside the I was sitting there doing the worst they were digging it

and they go did you like the movie and I was like oh it's not finished put me back in and then we all did a fake laugh me and them none you like the movie and I was like oh it's not finished put me back in and then we all did a fake laugh me and them

none of us like that and I was like anyway bye yeah how does it end I'm gonna have to get more

cancerous cells in my body so I can watch that movie for years to watch this IMDb review so good

I give myself cancer so good I took off smoke And so I can watch the end of it So when do you find out the result Is that one of them Where you've just done something Like put an age on

Oh my god Here's the fucking This is a horror show So it was meant to be gone by now It was meant to be At the last day of the fringe And then they went Alright so they're just going to

Cut down There's a little tumour here If you don't know what I'm talking about There's a little benign tumour But they were going to Just cut around Say it's a little tumour here, if you don't know what I'm talking about, there's a little benign tumour. But they were going to just cut around, say it's like a hook here. Roasted benign. Yeah, roasted benign.

So they're going to cut like a hook scar here, there would be, and they'll take it out like bloop and snip the fucking thing out, right? But it's apparently too close to my nerves in my jaw. So if they went down and snipped it, I would have that, I'd probably end up having that fucking like, you know having that fucking like you know like bill's policy yeah yeah you'd have no feeling on that side of your face you'd be a little bit strokey exactly yeah basically strokey and then so i have to make sure about that they're like well we'll probably do the normal one we'll do is we're going to and this is what he did to me he goes we're going to cut you here and we'll slice down here and here and then there's another incision here and we'll peel your face entirely back

and get it that way. And I was like, let's not. I was like, let's not do that. Like RoboCop. Like fucking face off. Like the actual, like really. I was like, like RoboCop, yeah. I was like, no, what's the other one?

They were like, well, I'll do the Bell's palsy one. They'll be fucking scarred the whole way here and around your thing and they'd peel your face off. Oh, that would look pretty cool though. You'd look very, like with your look and that scar, you'd look like

something off Mad Max. No way. Not one of the goodies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, thank you. A war boy. You'd look like a prop man disposable buddy.

I told you about that. No. Somebody I dated, I met them at the fringe and they said I look like a war boy these days. Is that the, from Mad Max

from Fury Road yeah the little dudes like Nicholas Holt spray the thing in their mouth before the gig that's a pre-show ritual

just do that fancy dress just kind of just like pimp up your ass man and be like just pimp that up and spray it in

from an inch away instead of direct you don't really do anything else war men war boys they you can't put boy in the end of anything ex-boys It's straight in from Ninja Wings. Did it direct. Didn't really do anything else. War men. War boys. You can't put boy in the end of anything. Ex-boys, that would be way worse.

Cowboy. Yeah. Spider boy. Cowboy. I just called him the milkman. Cow man. Cow man. Cow man and the milk boy.

Cow man and the milk boy. So stupid. Cowboy and milk man do sound like a fucking really good double act. Cowboy and Milkman? Cowboy and Milkman. So I had a, I mean, my week's been less eventful, but it has had an event. So I've been watching, Natalie's like bang into the tennis, right?

And I've just by proxy been getting into the tennis. Like the US Open's on at the minute. And that's on like late on. So we've been like staying up late and watching some tennis and all that. That's not clay, is it? No, it's like, what's the third one? Where it's like just hard court. Like blue?

Blue, blue hard stuff. Blue hard stuff. I don't know what it's made of actually asbestos I've got no idea what they're made of

are they playing on rubber yeah some kind of plastic sheen what is it like a laminate yeah I feel like it's the stuff

is it linoleum I think they're playing on linoleum you trip on a little part that's a fucking you know like a little slit it slowly gets bigger

and bigger over time tripping your toes so I've always been like vaguely aware that Natalie's played a bit of badminton in her past right and I've played

I've played some doubles I've played some doubles with her with like a couple of the people we used to live with in London Natalie's best friend that she grew up with

and her fella right we've played doubles and I know that Natalie's half decent at badminton and we started talking about like should we have a game

because we're not going to have a game of tennis we'd be shite like it's fucking harder than it looks

we're playing 5v5 and we couldn't get a rally of more than fucking two miles Gareth was leaping into

this it's just a lot harder than it looks tennis they're making it look easy but it's fucking

it's incredible what them athletes are doing. How long them games got on for. How hard they fight for every single point. Yeah, they are fit. The knees as well. They're underrated for what they put themselves through as athletes. Well, they do say that they're the fittest, aren't they? They've got to be.

It is that they kind of say because of... You can't hide on a tennis court. You can't play a game like Pogba. Yeah. Just fucking be not available for a pass for five minutes when you get your breath back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're just saying, fucking, let's have a good...

When we've got the buzz for it, let's go and have a game of badminton. And Natalie Book's weird. I was like, should we put a little wager on? She's like, what are you saying? And I was like, fucking just instant bloke.

Like, blosk. If I win, I get a blosk. It's like, obviously, if she returns that bet, she can't be like,

all right, if I win, I get a licky because that's just win-win for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not the same.

That doesn't have the same currency. So, I was like, I'll mow the lawn. That's so funny. That's the payoff. And this is just two jobs that we should each just be doing anyway, by the way. But you know, we're monetizing it. So Natalie just starts trying to put a few more weights on her scales. This guy, well well the bamboo fences

fell down so you could put that back up because like our fence is quite short on that side and like I like my neighbours I don't want to look at them so we've put this kind of bamboo face out that guy and it's a bit higher and then she lumped on and the actual, we've got so much bamboo in our garden by the way like I fucking honestly it's a panda's

wet dream out there the bamboo's pretty fucking high it was like double the height of the fence and she was like could you trim that down to the height so i've just getting like we sell a fucking bunch of gardening jobs in the scales on one side for a nosh on the other right and we got in for we got in for a best of three, first to 21. Okay. Three names. We went to new rules.

Yes, if you get the point when it's not your serve, you win the serve, but you also get the point. Okay. So we went new rules, right? Okay. And when I say I got fucking battered, I'm not exaggerating. I got fucking annihilated. It was ridiculous.

It was, I mean, to sound sexist, it was men versus boys when Natalie beat me at badminton. It turns out she'd played at a fucking high level her entire life. And when we've played doubles with my mates, she's just took it easy because none of us can play and she's just fucking making it so it's fun man she played like

she fucking meant it right like you know it would be the equivalent of me going to her

I'll race you down fucking red 37 me gonna snowboard you on your skis nah I'm fine well I'm gonna have me fucking

dinner finished by the time she gets to the bottoms but me it was unethical that she put bets on. It was unethical that she put money on that. That's hilarious. She knew.

You hooked, line and sink her. I was like, I used to work. He'll do anything for a blowjob. So let me second. Mate, I'll fucking check the garden. Check the garden. It looks dead nice. It looks dead nice. Did you lock it? yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah phone disappeared picture of a blowjob just blowjob shoulder stock across it that fucking Wolverine lying in bed

yeah picture of a blowjob just damage not even a video which I haven't I haven't seen the original but knowing Hugh Jackman

that is what he was actually looking at yeah yeah knowing Hugh Jackman like I'm no no

no no no no no no Hugh Jackman like I do no one knowing Hugh Jackman like I do

yeah so I just feel like I got absolutely hoodwinked that was good and Aliass as well she was like do you feel emasculated that I beat you that hard

at badminton and I was like no not badminton not if it was combat sports yeah I would like

considering my like size difference I would just train a lot harder right yeah yeah I would like considering my like size difference I would just fucking train a lot harder right yeah yeah like I'm just like I don't want to be

in a relationship where I'm just the best at everything yeah that's not like that's I don't think that would be fun

it isn't like my wife is better than I got me good that Cullen I wanted to be I wanted to be a trade of resources yeah yeah that's what I'm saying

I wanted to be the heavy lift on everything oh that's so funny God that's great I wish I was Good enough at a sport I could hoodwink people I wonder how many things She put in the scale of what I give her When I won before I went wait a minute

You know something I don't She should have raised you Oh yeah she should have started A week I'll blow you every day for a month And you do She should have raised you. Oh, yeah, she should have started. A week? I'll blow you every day for a month. And you do. Just give me a quick look at that.

I want a patio. Oh, mate. By tomorrow. She could have had us. There would have been a point where I'm like, oh, wait a minute. I think she played it where she was like, I'd see what I can get out of it. It would have been too obvious. Spoovy, eh?

She was ridiculously good at badminton. Putting fucking goose fat in all her dinners. Mixing it in. Lard. Big lardy sandwich. You know, if I was emasculated by it. Yeah, it's such a funny sport to be. Hang on. You feel like a man. There's just's such a funny, funny sport to be. Hang on.

I feel like a man who's just like Polly pockets on the table. All right. You've been as it pogs there, but it's like not a technical way from it. It's a fucking, it's a good sport. Like it's a, it's a, like she's,

she's good at something that takes skill. Yeah. Yeah. But like, if I was emasculated, I wonder how hard I'd have to train to be that. And could I? Could I be toxic masculine about it

and get good enough to be that? Is the question. I would say yes. If I went and had lessons, really put the graft in. Yeah. I wonder how long it would take. At the end, after nine months in the montage

just going see see men are better you're dickhead who's emasculated now are you emasculated are you effeminated because I'm better already than Nitten I've never heard of that effeminated

effeminated absolutely effeminated Nitten that's great yeah yeah okay i have there for some reason there's a load of badminton people good at badminton where i'm from is that i don't know what the fuck that's about badminton there was like one or two people that played like people where you're from love the cock oh i've fucking set myself right after that badminton if you know what I mean

bit of the fucking yeah couple of tail feathers on your cock I remember do I ever tell you at the time this is terrible

because I'm throwing him right under the bus here at the time in the in the whatsapp group I made a joke about badminton and all I

I was like I call it Netflix right and nobody laughed and then Milo messaged me and goes, any chance I could use that for my show?

I was like, be my guest, Milo. 100 quid. Netflix. 100 quid so you can have it. I'm just saying, but it's perfect. I bet you tried it three times and went, actually, you can have that back if you want it. Yeah, come back with a receipt.

Yeah. Because the thing with that is... You delivered it wrong. It's a good joke, but it just doesn't come across funny. No, it's... Yeah, it's... It's dead in a horrible run. It's got a certain clunkiness to it that I don't understand

because it scans perfectly as a joke. You wouldn't be able to... You can't say it without making it... You can't say it without making it... You can't say it without it looking shite. And also, I think there's just, like, the fact that Netflix is a streaming service and has nothing to do with badminton, right? Yeah.

There's, like, there's just a lead attached to the joke where you're like, does this need to be plugged into something? There's, like, There's just a little element of streaming and viewing and that just needs to be attached to make the pun work. It's not fully connected.

It's a joke. Give me another two years. I'll have it nailed. If it doesn't care about such things, we'll just tie this up. Put a little bit of electric tape around this and we'll just wheel it out anyway. People will laugh.

Fuck's sake. Ah, God. I don't have, I don't know if there is, there's no sport I can hoodwink anyone in. You know, if I could just,

you know, if you were like, secretly brilliant at fucking tiddlywinks or something. Go for it. You know what? I was like, I was just innately going to chess

for a little while. That's an odd one. Because I played so much as a kid that I could probably beat somebody that doesn't play chess that often. Sorry, I did laugh at you there. You find out an autistic person is great at building. I think it's...

I'm like, whoa! I think it's like with martial arts, right? I feel like I'm harder than most people in the world. Yeah. Unless they've got any ability at one of the martial arts. And then I'm at the bottom of that group of people. So I've closed the gap on 90% of humanity. Exactly.

But that 10% is fucking rock hard, like solid cunts. Yeah, yeah. And claiming up that is the hardest thing in the world. But I'm at the bottom of that bracket of people. So I feel like I can beat up most people. If I'm in a bit of road rage, I'm like, there's a gamble that that person can also scrap. Yeah.

But I'm willing to get out the vehicle on that chance. Right? That's where I'm at. I'm terrible for it. I feel like I'm... to get out the vehicle on that chance. That's where I'm at. I'm terrible for it. I feel like I have to get out the back of the taxi. Oh man, I have that funny thing when people have road rage with a taxi driver where you're just like, I'll be a champion

like, I'm not a man in five minutes. You're doing this for money, not because you love us, but I will fight for your honour. Have we talked about the fact that Crad karate gave you a licence to kill? Have I told you about this? No. I have to fucking tell. I have to and

people can message if you've done karate right because I've asked three people from one from England and another person somewhere else in Ireland right who did karate I was like were you given a licence it was a little blacklight. Clearly, it's been 15 years I've went by,

and I went, what the fuck was that? They were like, this is a license in case someone starts you and you get a little bit too far and kill them. This is a license to kill. You won't go to jail. That was what we were told, right? I've been told in the boxing gym

that if you get caught in a fight, Oh, is this like your weapons? You're going to get charged with having a weapon in the fight thing and I don't know how mythical that is either, but is it something like that? Well, if it's karate, they'd be fucking killing the person with boredom if they were watching you walk up and down a community centre. Doing the K on

kata. Yeah, and shit like that. East, knee, sand, you'll go. What is that? It's when you do the hearing cat. You have your fists by your hips. I remember that, yeah. Because the perfect stance in a fight, just guard your chin.

Guard your chin. Or just the hardest part of your body. Get that covered. Don't touch my hips. With the thing that's going to break when it gets hit that you need to fight your hands

put them in the way of your hips so they get crushed if they get hit and then twist but don't put any don't put any hard pivot

with your body weight yeah it has to be like it's neat it was that like discipline came out of it I can't remember any of that

I got up to 7 years doing it I remember I didn't quite do it for 7 years but I did do it for a small period of time that I can't put my mind on it could have been 6 months it could have been a couple of years I can't fucking place that I was a kid

the instructor was fat as fuck great that's the sumo man if you're gonna pick one of the sports the only two things i remember about my ends was and this haunts me to this day because it doesn't make sense one was a port veil he was a port veil fan i had stuck with me forever i was like why what happened why so he's from he's a big fan of Robbie. I was like, eh. Robbie Williams, that's his team in that? Is it? Is that the one that's like alternative to Stoke, in Stoke? Is that like the Stoke Everton?

I don't actually know. The other one, by the way, was that, the other thing about him was that we had to stop karate because he got his head kicked in in a bar. Oh, yeah. Eight months out. Those guys, those karate guys, those Krav Maga guys,

those like, fat, like fad kind of Steven Seagal motherfuckers that think there's like a quick like, instant way that you can...

Yeah, Steven Seagal like... Yeah, you're gonna get battered. I'm not coming up with an original idea to say this. No,

you're gonna get kicked the fuck if you try and bring karate to say this. No. You're going to get kicked the fuck if you try and bring karate to a fight. That said, Lyoto Machida had karate as one of his disciplines. Okay. Like a front kick?

Yeah, he was pretty high up in the middleweight division in the UFC back in 10 years ago. He did kick, he did knock someone out with a front kick once. That's the first time I've seen an Astrid of karate front kick actually working in any way. But I guess, would that be like putting these kind of tricks in football that aren't really effective and Roy Keane would just take your fucking legs

if you tried it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just stay like, it's like a rainbow kick. Like a kind of Lee Trundle to be niche Lee Trundle the king flipping the ball around his neck

fuck the bigger clubs he was fat I think he was fat wasn't he he was a wee bit fat I reckon he couldn't run that's why Lee Trundle never actually got

up higher yeah no athlete who did he play for like Swansea or something yeah that was the highest

I think he went was like Swansea he was around the Port Ville I try not to talk too much football No athlete? Who did he play for? Like Swansea or something? Yeah, that was the highest I think he went was like Swansea. Yeah. He was around the Port Ville's just... I try not to talk too much football on this podcast because I know like Daniel's fans and football fans, there's zero crossover. Yeah, yeah.

So like we're alienating a lot of listeners. But there is one or two that want to hear it. But there's... Remember there was a footballerer called freddie ado he was american but i think that's why he got hyped so much it's because like america has got that pelle or the maradona or that ronaldo or that messi but i'm saying ronaldo messi he was around about that generation he was yeah coming through so freddie i do was looked at as the the this like absolute wonder kid uh i just took a punt on what talking about

which comedians come from your year, your year group. This is backstage at the Dan Nightingale and Fiends gig. Okay. I was chatting, I think it was Esha and Akbar and Dean Coughlin, and I just took a punt. I talked about one of the comedians. I'm not going to name the name because it's cruel. And I just took a punt and I went,

but he was like the Freddie A do with our generation of comics. And I took a punt and it landed. And he was like, you got the reference and you got it. And I was like, you know, when you take a punt on a reference and it might land, it might not. It is one you'd think that you would know. But if they didn't know, you'd be like, alright, that's fair enough. It was a 15-year-old that never actually played. I've never

actually seen Freddie play football. He died pretty quick. Not died, but... Not died. Yeah, I've seen he's... He's still only my age now. He's just retired now or something. But he was in the fucking American Fourth League or something. It was like child star

kind of fame. It killed him getting that much attention and having that much expectation on his shoulders. Yeah, yeah. Too many people offering to buy him a kitchen. That's what they always do. So it's where they always swing some of the young people. We'll buy you a kitchen. Rather than I'll give you 20 grand, we'll do up your kitchen.

They didn't mess his kitchen. Getting back to Geordie's loving sunbeds, that was the weight and the skills when Gazza went to Tottenham. Because Harry read that rhyme and went, what would you like? And he did put in a house for my dad and all that. And he just went, and a sunbed for my sister.

And he was like, I'll get your sister a sunbed, hey mama. That's fucking ridiculous. He's on his way to Man United and he went to Tottenham because they got buy him a sunbed for his sister yeah

but that is what you're saying I'll get them a kitchen there's always like the fucking remember like the millionaire ones like Flamini

he's a billionaire now oh yeah is that because is that because like of other outside yeah you started when he was playing

he started some fucking biology type of science thing to make whatever blah blah blah water clearer. A lot of them get into horses as well, don't they? Buy horses. There's money in horses.

Okay, right. Properties. Not like just horses you bring up in the elevator to your house. You know, like in Dublin. We were watching The Commitments this week. I don't know what you're talking about at all. There's a scene in the commitments

where he brings his horse up, you know, the high rise. He's like, you're not bringing that horse in that elevator. He goes, well, the fucking stairs will kill him. They're going up the horse. Bring a horse up to the apartment. So why did they want a horse in their apartment? There's horses. There was even when I was living in the

this is more 90s, but there was like even when was living in the this is more 90s but there was like even when I lived in the North Dublin and things people had horses still around the street a couple of times what's the commitment

that's a movie commitment old one recent 1991 so whatever you consider that pretty old

yeah shit god damn it so there's still like there's still quite a lot of horse culture going on In your neck of the woods isn't there Horse culture

Well this is when Ireland are always like They're good at dressage I've seen cunts like cutting around on their horses Around like Leafy Street and all that Just like living their lives Because it's so funny how like Horses are for like Super posh people

and super poor people and they were in the middle. Was it not you with the joke? I thought it was you. I wasn't going to attribute it to you. Basically, regardless, they're both in estates. I'd had the estate. Have I just added it now to horses? My thing was in the routine about if you've got a...

I've always talked about my childhood as growing up in an estate, but if you say estate to a posh person, it's a completely different... So I've just added the horses to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's perfect. It's a fairly fucking recent. It's from my last show.

Not my recent show that I'm doing now, but from Mischief. So I should know it off that. It should be on the tip of my tongue, but yeah, brain works in a funny way when you put a new hour of material in the head and then the stuff that gets to the back, it just starts like hanging and just blurring

and fading a little bit. The muscle memory of it's a bit worn out. Like your brain's just a fucking big computer at the end of the day. And like it would be easy to re-download that back off the cloud into my brain by watching it back once we've all got, yeah, everybody's on

90% storage you know what, I'm going to date the night I'm going to date the night, because that leads into the pedo-terry bit and that's always strong for the clubs we're all over the place in this I'm opening is Alexander MC ever? I've never met Alexander, she's MC'ing we're all over the place in this I'm opening who else is is Ali's under MC ever

I've never met Alexander she's MCing and then who else is on Much and then Gareth Much and this is a Glasgow Glee and I'm doing a gig in Heathcote Bride tonight

okay that the timings don't work for I'm doing one tomorrow the timings I'm worried the timings just don't work right

but I'm just getting like I've told you he asked us if I do it right and I said I'll check where I'm worried the timings just don't work but I'm just going to like I've told you he asked us if I'd do it right and I said I'll check where I am on the bill to see if I'm available

and he went well even I've had I've had the people who comp air come and close so it'll work I was like in that case let's just do it then

and sure enough I'm closing and then I fucking and then I get the timings through for the Glee and I get the timings through from the East Kilbride gig

and there's 15 minutes between getting off stage and getting on stage and I'm about a 25 minute drive away. So I let them know and I'm just saying, I'll turn up when I get there as fast as I can, stretch your legs as an MC, drag the intervals out.

I'm sure they'll figure it out. If he's done it before. It's not on me that they've got all the data yeah how long so 25 minute drive that's the worst part

because mine's only around like blackfriars it just doesn't give you any magoo time magoo time yeah that's what Jamie Hutchinson

introduced us to called it magoo time that's funny it's like you've got to be there give yourself an hour magoo time for getting there

I heard that I like it I hadn't heard it until he told us and I use it all the time now I'm sure a lot of people do I don't know if like

he coined it or if it was one he just took on board and passed on it was perfect it's needed it's needed in me vernacular

they've made by the way without boring the shit do you see they've got a curtain along the back of the Glasgow Glee the last time I was there?

Okay. So now it's much more like a room. Across the back? Yeah, because you could see the right down, you used to see right down the hallway. Honest to God, the fact that the fucking back of the room just become the bar,

and the bar staff just think they're in a different room, and they'll clatter on and all that. Just chatting to each other at full volume. But it actually, the back of the room, I've watched gigs it actually the back of the I've watched gigs sat at the back of the room in there and I'm just like

I feel like I'm in a different room where there's other shit going on yeah especially up in them little yeah so they had a last time I did they had a curtain across the back of it

and I was like big red one and I was like this is great oh perfect it's boxed in now yeah it was yeah yeah

what a difference that'll be hopefully now I'm not you know I land'll end up going, what are you talking about? Well, you're going to be too late to see us at the Glasgow Glee because this is going to be sending before we get on. But where can people see you next?

Are you going anywhere soon? I'm in Dublin next week, back in Ireland. And then after that, I believe I'm in Birmingham Glee. Is there any way where your gigs are listed? Do you have a website? I did, but the Chinese took it. All right, okay. It was years ago.

I don't know what it's like now. Yeah, Brett bought the domain back. We've got it back. One day I'd logged in and everything was in Chinese. Oh, wow. And I was like, it's not good. So you've got the domain, but you haven't done anything with it? No, I have to redo it.

Okay. Instagram. Instagram's where I'll put all the stuff. So he's been pretty enigmatic at the minute, Ryan. If you want to see him, you're just going to have to guess when he's on it. Go and check the listings of The Glee. And where are you in Dublin? Yeah, the Laughter Lounge in Crackdown.

In the Laughter Lounge in the Crackdown in Dublin. It's a lot easier to find out where I'm going to be because I'm on tour, so it's all on my website. It's all on my social media. I don't shut up about it. Newcastle's just sold out for the second time, which I'm chuffed with because I put the second one on sale in January as well, so it's miles ahead.

And it's sold out in less than a week. I'm just going to keep coming back to the small venues. I say small. I still consider the newcastle stand as like a decent size venue because i think that's as big as it gets before it starts getting a little bit disconnect that's it yes that's a big intimate venue yes it is yeah and then it starts being a small non-intimate venue after that when you reach the 500 mark um now i'm uh i'm just gonna keep coming back to the stand for the simple fact i want to

keep coming back to newcastle so if i keep adding dates yeah then i keep coming back and seeing my family so like maybe it's in the future we'll put on a big show just to do that yeah but on this particular tour we'll just keep adding them as quick as people are buying tickets hopefully so uh by the time this is out it will be a new newcastle date on sale uh everywhere else has still got tickets glasgow's getting pretty close to being full. Oddly, Stirling has got limited tickets left where I had my worst preview, so I think I might just be a bunch of people

willing to give us a second chance. Just kind of, I mean, it's got to be good eventually, right? We'll come back and see it properly. That's so funny. I fucking died on me hoop in Stirling, man. And then me too, I just saw that right there. There you go. Must be a different group of people.ing, man. And then me too. I should have just sold that right there.

There you go. Must be a different group of people. Yeah, yeah. Word didn't spread. Yeah. Everywhere else is selling all right. I'm happy with how London's selling, but it's a big venue, so that needs a bit of a push just to, you know,

when you're happy with a number, but you're just not happy with a percentage of the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's it. Like, London needs a bit more. If anybody wants to come to me London show, that would be any of me shows coming. Where's the worst sound so far?

Bath. We need to talk about Bath. I don't know what the, like, man, it's Saturday. I'm not even shitting you. It's Saturday on 14. That's not even a gig. It's a 100-seater. And there's not enough people that did a gig there yet.

And it's like the only one that's that's not that's not currently a gig it's easy to sell a show when it's already critical mass when i'm adding people to an actual audience yes i don't mind going to come to glasgow because there's already an audience there and you're going to be adding to it and making it close at a capacity right but when you're like please come to bath you're like i don't want to say that until there's about 40 people in the room but at the minute it's not that that's so funny

you don't want to if you've got tickets to the Bath gig thank you thanks for coming I'm going to put on the best show that I possibly can

for this small audience but I'm also going to try and dig deep I've already arranged to go on Bath radio yeah yeah yeah it's quite a posh town Bath isn't it

what do they think when I'm on stage and my mates are going to be rummaging through the glove town bath isn't it what do they think when I'm on stage and fucking me mates are going to be rummaging through the glove box in a parked car like do you think yeah yeah

anything's going to be happening fucking I bet I bet you if it was a fucking musical with a posh guy pretending to be working class

you'd go and watch that cunt by the way bath radio sounds very funny I know like we're not talking but bath radio is great it does sound good I would have bath radio you're going to listen, bath radio sounds very funny. I know we're not talking, but bath radio is great.

It does sound good. I would have bath radio. You're going to listen to bath radio? Yeah, it's one of those ones that floats around in the bath. Ah, yeah, and it's always playing a bit of Celine Dion or something. Shania Twain on. Aqua. So I'm like, I'm going on tour, but I couldn't even fill a bath.

For fuck's sake. Fuck off. I'm going to buy a new one.'t even fill a bath. Fuck's sake. Fuck off. And got my new one. That's not selling jokes like that. So I think I'm going to go on a full-on offensive. I'm going to just go and write, live goal, fucking find the other 86 people that I need for me gig and bath

and just make them be fucking mission. Make a joke about it. Make a joke about how I need to fill this gig in Bath. Yeah. Right. So that's the one that... That's a good idea. And I was talking to Nelson

about like plugging the gigs and stuff and how like it's like counterintuitive to fucking force yourself upon people online. It comes across as desperate and all that. And I mentioned about Chelmsford being one of the gigs that isn't selling well. I checked the numbers. It's selling all right.

Chelmsford's fine. You just chucked them under the... I just chucked them under the bus. That seems like they ought to have a horse racing track. Chelmsford's fine you just chucked them under the I just chucked them under the bus that seems like they ought to have a horse racing track Chelmsford

oh yeah definitely I'd put my money on it fuck off so yeah come see me on tour and let's try and film

a couple more of these venues because it does feel really good seeing that a show sold out and adding extra ones feels good

makes us feel happy. Dynamic pricing. I'm going to prop my rant over dynamic pricing, haven't I? It's dynamic pricing when the demand of the tickets dictates the price of the tickets. Yeah, so they're just like, well... So you're pricing out... Yeah, you're just pricing out pretty much everyone.

Yeah. It's actually 900 quid, because a lot of people want this seat. It makes for not a very good gig though surely if you've just got a no if you've just got an audience

full of Daniel Sloss yeah that's what I'm saying you'd be you'd get an audience full of posh cunts like yeah it's like it's like

it's like Man City it's like going to see Man City or Arsenal our fucking Arsenal's getting like it too you know like where it's just like they're like

oh we've only got 400 there they're the season tickets these are all corporate. The hardcore Man City fans that were there from the start are so funny. Because they're the away fans.

They travel. They'll come to St. James' Park, right? Yeah. There was this spell where we're playing Man City where we're winning and we went on to win,

but there was about 15 minutes where we were getting batted by them and it was about to go and we just lost our voice a little bit holding on to our seats St James' Park was hushed and the fucking Man City fans just started going

Is this the Etihad? Is this the Etihad? That's great Because they are very self-aware that they have a quiet stadium That's so funny It was a sort of slam but they got got we were fucking

I love it when the away fans are fucking funny they were chanting to the

Leeds fans because we were pretty close to the Leeds fans when we watched that thrilling

nil nil fucking boxing day gig gig yeah kind of everything

a gig it was the we were chanting to the Leeds fans he's one of your own he's one of your at the Leeds fan he's one of your own

he's one of your own and Jimmy Savile he's one of your own and then they waited for a hush and went he fucked all your kids he fucked all your kids

Jimmy Savile and they went fucks and got one got one deal got one I love being toxic

with you guys yeah I saw when we went to Zurich they were mad cunts not they went to Zurich but they were at the Emirates and played Zurich in the fucking Europa League and they were, they had like a little square in the corner and they really, they had

flyers and fucking drums and half of them didn't watch the match they were staring at basically all the corporate boxes where people weren't even Arsenal fans, they were just drums going boom, boom, boom non-stop the European fans physically all the corporate boxes where people weren't even Arsenal fans were just drums going boom boom oh yeah non-stop the European fans

just keep it going there's no lull there's no synergy with what's happening on the pitch they're like we'd be reacting like this regardless

of what was going on man I went you know how Matty has got Man United connections with his he married into

an Indian family he's always at the old track he can just get hold of tickets for Man United connections with his he married into an Indian family yeah he's always at the Old Trafford he can just get hold of tickets for Man United games and we both love football so we're like

let's go out to a Champions League game while we're here and we went and watched Man United versus Atletico Madrid and Atletico Madrid put them out

which like as Newcastle and Arsenal fan in the home end we were like howling at that laughing great went to see a good game and as well Atletico Madrid won with pure shithousery as well Newcastle and Arsenal fan and the whole men were like howling at that laughing great

went to see a good game and as well Atletico Madrid won with pure shithousery as well so slowly slow death

Man United was getting smothered ground game Mark Hunt lying on top of somebody that's now Mark Hunt is the fight I was thinking of

so the Man United fans cleared out and there was so many Atletico Madrid fans in the Man United fans Cleared out and there was so Many Atletico Madrid fans in the Man United end that just stayed for the ceremony Yeah great And it was like sleep by agents because we were just like there at the end Watching everybody flood out but we were staying for the final

There was so many Atletico Fans in the home end You try to pretend to walk out Just walk into another seat That's great I love it You try to pretend to walk out. Just walk into another seat. That's great. I love it. So, yeah, come see me on tour.

Come see Ryan as he's ambiently floating around doing gigs that he won't tell you exactly where or when. I'm trying to get better with, I've decided to try and get better with just Instagram at least. Telling people where we are. We've mentioned your podcast already kind of passively, but like plug the podcast. Absolutely. Me and Mark Nelson,

we talk about films every week. Most of the time it's nonsense. Like, you know. Do you hedge them up on what film it's going to be? Yeah, we'll present it the week after. Like, you know,

next week we're doing Meet Joe Black. Right. So, you know, some people sometimes send us in the movies nowadays but uh you'll know a week ahead and you also don't have to really have seen the film and we also don't do new films you're not going to tune in one day and it's going to be fucking it's meet joe black

yeah if you if that upsets you you've ruined meet joe black for me you can just go and pick any of the any of the um ones that they've done in that back catalogue and you'll see what film it's going to be. And if it's a film you've just watched or if you fancy watching that film and then spending some time listening to them unpack it, excellent podcast, absolute cuts, get on that. And I'll see you on Thursday for the Patreon bonus. If you're not already subscribed, get on that.

What's the Patreon bonus? I think I'm going to have Daniel Petri over, which interests me because he's an amazing comedian i've just started working with him like fairly recently doing a few previews with him and um he's also a full-time doctor yeah he's good so i want to i want to get into that i want to get into how that works being a full-time doctor and like having a like a budding stand-up career yeah here's one you can tell him as well because I was like I was making a

roast battle video of him because he's good at roast battles now too right and I was like put this on the mic we'll keep this in the episode

but no I can't that's why this is not supposed to be putting it out because I was like

right okay yeah yeah period special I'll ask Daniel if he can tell the story that he's about to tell me now and that's the hook

because you're going to tell me the story and I'm going to ask Daniel if he can tell that story on the episode basically basically