Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Crabs Patient Zero (Ft. Nina Gilligan)

Episode Date: August 28, 2024

After meeting in Altitude festival and swift becoming changeover buddies in their Edinburgh venue, Kai and Nina share stories, green rooms and even crabs, in an action packed episode where Nina scales a wall before breaking into a sleeping comedians pad. #39   www.thistlycrosscider.co.uk  Discount Code: THISTLYSLOSSAUGUST

Sloss and Humphreys on the road Muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha!

They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Aww, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia

Where have you been since 9-11? Nina. That's how I'm starting the podcast. Hi. It's been fucking excellent sharing a green room with you this festival. I am so glad. Hasn't it been great?

It's been like a little altitude reunion. It has. And I think it's really important who you share your changeover times with at the festival, because that's your team. That is your... They're your buddies. They weren't there, man.

They weren't there in Fringe 24 with you. Like, have you ever had any shit changeover buddies? Ooh. Yeah, you know what? Without naming names, I had somebody had somebody who like sometimes they'd be like really crying and that's because they hated how it went and i've become a bit of a therapist yeah for like 15 minutes and that's not the headspace i want to be in before we set no and like i don't mind when people come off and go ah what fucking i lost that one yeah right and

you can just offload like kind of on a level that you can just have an exchange with, but haven't like console somebody. No, that's not, that's above and beyond what's needed in a changeover pal. You just need a bit of a high five. Yeah. As you pass.

Just a little boost. Like somebody just go, ah, it's a Tuesday. Yeah. It's a Tuesday. Everyone's a bit tired. And nobody in our dressing room does the kind of psyching out that's what I really like about our dressing room we'll generally talk about things

like totally like where how's the dog yeah yeah what did you have for breakfast oh and what a dream it is having Craig Hill in the other room as well because even though we're not changing over with him he's sharing the green room and if you don't know, Craig Hill only speaks in musicals. Oh, it's so funny. I love him. You two do duets. We do do duets. I feel like I should be Instagramming this,

you know, if I was a bit more proactive with my Instagram. The backstage, as soon as you two start a backstage, because you just converse with each other. Only through the medium of song. But to like the tune of Tina Turner. Yeah.

In every syllable, it'll be on point. It's like the tune of Tina Turner. Yeah. In every syllable, it'll be on point. It's like, I just came in a taxi. And I'm like, did you give them the tip? Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

It's absolutely joyous. That's what you need. You don't want somebody crying. No. Jim Owen as well. Jim Owen. He's another star. And then Ryan Dixon's

always there as well. Oh, we love Ryan. Craig's been on the podcast before, so a lot of them will know Craig. But Ryan Dixon is who listens to the podcast, so I'm talking directly to you, Ryan. I would say he's our mascot. He's a mascot? He is. And he's delightful?

He's telling me, right? People know who Ryan is. he's telling me right just people know who ryan is he's a he started doing punch drunk uh volunteering for punch drunk helping us with the um boxing event that we did so like uh essentially just come along and help out putting out chairs and we're like we love this guy's energy he's fucking amazing he's incredible and then he started working with us on the punch drunk productions and um because he was 16 he didn't know he was gay yet but everybody knew he was gay and then when he came out we were like yeah we knew yeah

there were clues yeah there were clues he's just such a he's working out here producing all of Marlena's shows which is May, Jamal and Craig Hill Connor Burns he's recently got gout he's got gout, He's got gout.

King's illness. He thought he got it through vegetables. But... I don't think he got gout from vegetables. He also tried to blame it on the mushrooms. Yeah, that's what I was alluding to, but I didn't know whether we could see that. He thought he got it through a bag of edibles. And we were like,

Ryan, do we need to have a chat? I think it's more veg that you need to be eating. The fact that Kings used to get it. Yeah. Is it? Do you know what it is or not? Yeah, so it's where like crystals build up because your liver can't excrete them. And it's through eating too much rich food red meats red wines

alcohol yeah all the good stuff so peasants weren't getting it no no not ryan not ryan ryan is living like a king king of the gears the gay lord the gay lord we need to get him that on a T-shirt. King of the gays. Yeah. And he's not the only one to have an illness. Oh, no. This is so embarrassing.

You've just told me this. I know. And I was like, we're talking about this on the podcast. Yeah, so it turns out I'm patient zero. I found out yesterday I've been getting, like, all these little bumps and rashes on my body so i went to the pharmacist yesterday afternoon who was like yeah i think i can give you some cream for that and then gave me some cream and it turned it's crabs he says i've got crabs amazing i was like how can I have got crabs? I've not fucked anyone.

You didn't even get a shag out of it? I didn't even get a shag out of it. And now I've got to go home. Going back to your husband? Oh, I've got, and now I've got to go home and tell my husband I've got crabs. What, off a dirty towel?

That old chestnut. Ah, yeah. And now, like, I don't think it's just me because, like, we've been asking around and I have not shagged Natalie either. Have you been shagging my wife? It's live on podcast, but I'm not Nina Gilligan. It's fuck my wife.

It turns out I've fucked quite a few people. You've given a few people crabs. I've given Joanna, my mate that came up, crabs. She's got crabs. Natalie's got crabs. Jess, my agent's got crabs. It turns out I'm the sluttiest person in Edinburgh. Why are these, like, there's no diversity.

It's all women. I know. Well, it turns out I'm a late-choice lesbian. Who knew? Are crabs actually crabs? Are they crustaceous? I assume they're like lice, like scabies. You know what? I think they do look lice, like scabies. You know what?

I think they do look like, under a microscope, they look like tiny crabs, but you wouldn't want to have them on a sandwich. I think you meet quite a lot, the tiny microscopic little crabs. Just nipping away at you. Nipping away at you. Is that what they're doing?

Is that what they're doing? They're just pincing away at you. I think that's what's happening. Like Matty. But I don't know where they go now because of the lack of the old pubic hair in women. Yeah. Is that still a thing?

Women now shave now? Was that because of crabs? Yeah, that was because... I don't know. I think that was because of porn. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll do it. But now maybe we should just all shave to keep the crabs away.

Keep the crabs away. Yeah. Because I had scabies once, which is in the same family of... Well, it could be scabies. That's the other thing. It could be scabies. Because that was the... What was horrific about finding that out

is that finding out that it's like the laying eggs that makes you itchy, or like the feces or something, the little fly buzzing around. It's just all of the that it's like the laying eggs that makes you itchy so like the feces or something little fly buzzing around it's just all of the crabs little old lady that swallowed a crab i don't know why she swallowed the fly it's the like the precursor it's the origin story of the little old lady that's on the fly. Yeah, the scabies, it was so fucking itchy.

And the only way I could... It was on my thigh mostly, that's where the nest was. Yeah. And I was getting the... You know when you can turn the shower head into blasting into a small radius? Yeah. So it's coming out at a higher pressure.

And putting it on really hot because I was scalding myself. So were you basically blasting scabies eggs? It was boiled scabies Boiled scabies It's a delicacy in Blythe Michelin star boiled scabies In an oozy jus

I don't think that worked though but the cream that they gave me it wasn't even cream it was like milk it was like dabbing on milk is that the same stuff they give you when you've got chickenpox perhaps i bet it is where you like dab it on a cotton bud i just feel like this is it like not a cotton bud a cotton ball some people are gonna find out tomorrow they've got like awards but i came back with oh yeah that's the that's the got like awards but I came back with oh yeah that's the fringe award

yeah we came back with crabs the nominations are Nina Gilligan patient zero Kai Humphries' wife I didn't even get nominated for scabies we've lived the fringe I didn't even get nominated for scabies. We've lived the fringe.

Yeah. So you think it was from lit backstage? Do you think it was from backstage? I think it was from backstage because like your wife has not been in my bedroom, but your dog has been in my bedroom. Ah. Peggy. Peggy's got crabs.

Has Peggy been itching her food? She's always, like, giving it a lick. But you could. You would if you could. You know, like, I never judge her for that. I was like, if I could lick me balls, I'd fucking give it a shot. I wouldn't get me ribs removed, but...

So, yeah, we think it might be here. So we've boiled the dressing room now. in the dressing room i noticed there was new throws on the leather couches and stuff so we're all safe now and i've been treated with the cream and is it doing better i feel a bit less less less licey did you used to call it in school when kids had knits, did you call it dickies? No, we used to just say, oh my God, now you're asking me. But the knit nurse, did you used to have the knit nurse? They don't do that anymore, do they? They don't have a rummage of the kid's hair.

No, they don't get you a knit nurse. That would stick in our school. Every year group had the patient zero. Yeah. That would be Dickie would become a prefix to that name because they were the first one that got it in their year. So there was Dickie Allison in the year above. Dickie Carol, they were actually sisters. Am I now Dickie Nene?

Dickie Nina. Dickie Nina. Absolutely. Oh, Jesus. And then Dickie Darren was my year. Dickie Darren. but it was just that whole fucking stigma that came with being the patients you're dickie nina oh no it's a new french title for next year that's my new show you got your french show dickie nina

but it would stick so much they don't have that now though the knit nurse oh so i don't know why they've got rid of it Because it was a really good idea Because now Like also I don't think you get knits in Scotland Because my kids grew up in Scotland Until they were four and six Right Not a knit No

As soon as we took them back to England They were absolutely fucking hoaching So it's doing there Yeah Dirty Southerners Dirty Southern Catholic knits They were fine up here When they were in a prodigal school I think knits. They were fine up here when they were in a Protestant school.

I think knits are Catholic. Knits are Catholic? Yeah. Kind of communion? Yeah, yeah. That's my theory. Break bread? Yeah.

That's what dandruff is? Yeah. The dandruff's just the break of bread in your hair. Crumbling, dirty little Catholic knits. I wonder if they stopped the nurse because of the bullying that ensued

because they used to do every child didn't they but then maybe because then they they found the child

but they probably shouldn't have got the nurse to put them in the middle of the classroom and went you

dirty bastard you dicky little they had a megaphone Dickie Darren we now crone. Dickie Darren.

We've now crowned you Dickie Darren. It's probably a more sensitive way of doing it. There's no doubt about school that was sensitive like the previous generations. I think they're probably a little bit more subtle with stuff now. Holy shit. I remember me and a girl from school used to go to the school nurse to say that we think she might be pregnant as a wind up I think our son

listens to this podcast occasionally so he might be listening he knows all about it though but it was only funny because I was the butt of the joke because have you seen how I looked when I was in school have you ever seen a picture of me because I used to do a bit of material where I talk about this exchange I had with my dad when i stood up when i called myself the man of the house

because he'd lost his job he got made redundant and i didn't and i get the picture out going the fucking man of the house and the punchline is i look like a child and a pedophile at the same time but i just think i had these like you know the bigger nhs curly watch glasses oh gosh me as well i had the the patch did you have the patch as well what patch did you have the um the patch with the um prisms yeah and the prisms would make it so so when your eye is lazy and it's looking in that direction it can see forwards but when people look in yeah the light refraction works the same way, so it looks like your eyes, like on the inside of your head here. Yeah, yeah. I was a looker. Ginger braces with the patch.

Yeah, I made you buddies. So one of the more popular girls in school used to take me into the nurse and pretend she was pregnant to us. I was the butt of the joke, but I was fully aware of it. And I was like, I am down. I am down for even just this one person thinking that we've been fucking. Even if it's a scam, I am in. That would have confused our Catholic school. They would have gone, oh, on this point, we might make an exception.

Get them down to the clinic. She's got crabs again. she's got crabs again she's got crabs again that's her but um you did a you did break into someone's bedroom last night didn't you that was uh i know that was like i i i i in burgled a comedian called eric rushton what time of night are we talking here we're talking the afternoon it was an afternoon home invasion okay so he was sleeping did he had he stayed up late or is he just depressed i don't What time of night are we talking here? We're talking the afternoon. It was an afternoon home invasion. Okay. So he was sleeping. Did he, had he stayed up late or is he just depressed? I don't know.

He's just depressed. I think it was like an interesting look into what every comedian in Edinburgh's bedroom looks like. I've never seen so many empty iron brew bottles in my entire life. Oh, really? Not to shame him. But, um, so I would, I'd gone out into the shared gardens that they have at the back of tenements for a little ciggy because my son who's flat i'm not allowed to smoke in his flat yeah

what's wrong with the kids today not even hanging out the window no no so i've gone for a ciggy in the back and while i was out someone had bolted the back door there's only one way in and one way out and that's like a closed garden where they keep the bins closed it's like a huge garden because it goes all the way down down the back of the flats of that street but the only way in is through the houses you can't get into a side gate and go back around the front so you're that but somebody come in put some rubbish in the bin it's like walking a prison yard right with eight foot just a couple of nazis just bench pressing in the corner yeah there was a man with a gun on a tower imagine imagine this is your shutter island where like you're actually in prison

yeah but you're just in your own fantasy world you're just at the festival yeah you're just doing this festival doing a show every time you go to in your own fantasy world you're just at the festival yeah you're just doing this festival doing a show every time you go to your show that's just your one hour where you're allowed in the yard yeah well they're your inmates that you're with yeah so this is basically what was happening so i was doing me like 15 minutes of yard exercise walking around smoking my fag um and i go to knock back on the go to go back in and this is bulleted like it's bulleted so i'm looking at all the other back doors bulleted so i was like fuck i've not even brought my phone out oh so you couldn't even ring your son no and knocking does

fucking nothing because it's a tenement flat so the doors are miles away from there so like i tried to scale a wall and they're like no you didn't right i would love to have seen that by scale a wall i mean i put my foot you're in all black now like you do look like the dairy milk. You don't know dairy milk. What was it again? What was the chocolate you did? Milk tray. Milk tray.

Fucking shit, milk tray advert. It ties the scale of wall by going like that. What would you have done if you got to the room? Because you're up a couple of flights, right? I am up a couple of flights. Well, you're just going to try and get in the window. No, it was like the garden wall. Like the garden wall, I could see that there was a road on the other side

of the back wall. Like, you're looking like so like you don't believe me now. Well, I'm just imagining they just found your body just like on the floor. They're like, Nina threw herself out of a closed window. Because she had crabs! She couldn't find to sell her husband

the crabs just start claiming your back they just start breaking you down your body's not repairing itself anymore so you just decompose by the time they get there they just find a pair of glasses under a bunch of crabs on a skeleton

crabs and some ginger so I was like oh no I'm beginning to panic now because I've got a show to do no I didn't have a show to do actually it was like they could have just found my dead body it was Tuesday so I goes back to the closed door and then I saw this man asleep in his bed I was like oh this is a bit weird but i could just see like his feet sticking out from the bottom of his duvet yeah i thought fuck it i'll just tap on the window sleeping with the curtains open just like a psychopath he was sleeping with his blinds up like a psychopath so i chapped on his window and he sits up and it's it's Eric Rushton who's a comedian

who you've gigged with yeah I don't think I've met Eric but you've gigged with him a few times he's kind of quite mild mannered as well yeah

he's not somebody well he drinks a hand brew instead of red stripes so that's a good sign yeah yeah he's not like he's not like

if it had been you you'd be like up on your feet going oh Nina Gray yeah Nina again. Nina's stalking me. I mean, it's a bit weird.

Like, I don't know Eric that well. Like, we've geeked together a couple of times. But you're not tearing up at his bedroom window. I don't think we know that many comedians that well. Yeah, that they're in their garden, knocking on the window. Not even the front of the house either, the back garden, which you need to get in. So let's get this straight. You didn't know he was living in the same tenement,

and he didn't know you were living in the same tenement. So he just had surprise out of nowhere, Nina Gilligan, out the window. Yeah. Amazing. And also, I should point out that I run an organisation called Get Off, which is...

It's about crabs. Which is not... Which is about sexual harassment in comedy and there's a lot of jokes that go around that I'm the sex police.

So if I turn up at your window, you think you're on a fucking list. You're on a list, aye. Are you the admin of the WhatsApp that Sloss was talking about when he went on the dispatches? Is that you?

That's your WhatsApp? Yeah. You're the sex police admin. And you turn up there and Rush turns like, woo woo! You have been caught. I'm like the pa paedophile hunter. He's got your camera out recording him.

Don't use any of the children's names. I've got some questions for you, Eric. Did you send a dick pic? So, so I'm at his window. He's looking... In this this world the sex police has arrived he's like he's going through all this black catalog of drunken nights out that he's had so and this is kind of what my show is about so it is must be like what the fuck is nina gilligan doing here what have i done and so he comes to

his window he's struggling with his blinds and he sort of opens the window and goes what are you doing and i went i'm i'm locked out and he went of my house everyone's locked out right now i put the lock on And he went Okay Like still not sinking in What do you want me to do Nina I was like Could you help me

And he went I don't know And I went What's in it for me Can you take me off the list? Can you unblock me? And I was like, could I come in through your house? And he's just staring at me like.

Take your shoes off. Like, he couldn't work out how me coming through his house would help he's trying to figure that out he would be piecing all of that together when it's happening

yeah he's just woke up he doesn't know if he's woke up is this a prank he doesn't know if he's woke up he thinks he might have been in a car crash

and he's now in a coma this is heaven Nina Gilligan wants to bring her crabs into my house i didn't mention the crabs no no but wouldn't you but he knew can you let us in eric so did he let you in the window so then he's he's fiddling with his blinds he can't work his blinds we noticed that by the fact he's sleeping with them open yeah so he's and then bits of them are falling off and hitting him and he's like is that enough room and i was like at this point i'm

like just for fuck's sake evick get a grip so this is on you this is nothing to do with me slap me in the fucking window can i smoke in your house and he was like sorry about the state of my bedroom and i'm like you weren't expecting anybody i just went it's all right everybody's bedrooms like this i wasn't no no my bedroom's not like that i mean it's not so but i took my shoes off i don't know why i did that i took my shoes off as i climbed through the window i thought i was polite you actually did yeah i said that as a joke yeah just that played it's northern isn't it yeah i took my shoes off put them on his desk and then when i got in to his, he just stood there awkwardly.

And he went, while you're here. Do you know about my charity? He went, while you're here, could you show me how to use the blinds? Oh, bless. So I had to give him a little lesson in how to use blinds. How to operate things in a house, do his ironing. Pull all his ironing brew cans.

Yeah, so I was like, do you want me to do some tidying up? Anything else you want me to do? Leave the place immaculate. Yeah. I'm like the opposite of a burglar. I just come round, knock at your back window,

tidy up and leave yeah god he's networking again just turn it off then back on again eric i don't know why you didn't just try that in any way the blades you're pulling that you just twist it you rotate that just pull it slightly to the side it's just a catch just a catch yeah so so if anything i think i did him a massive favour. Yeah. He sought his life out. Eric can now sleep in the dark.

And then he went back to sleep and woke up in a tiny house and went, just, need I go to a tiny house? Or did I just sleepwalk? Yeah. Like, what happened? What happened with my day? I've had a couple of things like that. It didn didn't happen to me what happened to my family right my um my sister was it we grew up in the same like a childhood home after i'd moved out she moved into the bedroom that me and my brother had and shared

she had it to herself she got the big room and um she's lying in bed and she has a knock at the at the window the upstairs window and just knocking on it like it's somebody at the door right and she just ran into my mom and dad's room she must have been like in her teens at the time terrifying right and um what had happened so when my mom and dad got come through and opened the window it was one of my friends and he was walking back from i don't know if you know the area but cramlington to bedlington yeah which is quite a big walk and it was snowing and just had he just had a T-shirt on, and the only people he could think of to knock on

was where we used to live, to just go and knock on my parents, and nobody answered the door, and he was about to freeze to death. In fact, like a fucking bleak subplot, is somebody actually died that night in the cold. What? Somebody died that night in the cold

on a similar walk to what fen had taken okay and then so it was a survival it was like touching it was a it was a matter of survival in there knocked on the bedroom window and they just opened it up and just saw one of my mates just knocking on my little sister's bedroom window like what the fuck is happening here and he's just like i might die just shivering and on a similar note around about the same era there was one of my mates

and his wife they had kids when they were teenagers and ended up moving into the street that I grew up on so this would have been probably when they were about 19 but they had like a three year old and a one year old or whatever the maths is on that. So Janine had been on a night out

and then knocked on the door and Wayne didn't answer. And she was just like, but he's in the house. Like, I know he is, I've been speaking to him and she's like throwing stones at the window and stuff. And she's like, fuck, is he dead? Like, what's happening here? And she just went and knocked my parents out of bed and they actually answered the door this time and got up like fuck is is he dead like what's happening here and she just went to knock my parents out of bed and they actually answered the door this time and got up and my dad

got his ladder and put it up to the window and went up to the window and knocked on the window and Wayne just woke up straight away and just was like Kev just me mate's dad my neighbor it's just just like toss can't even see the ladder just hovering like superman you've got very tall have you ever done that way I've did this once where I'd gone into the petrol station and come out and got in the wrong car oh I, I've gotten in the wrong car before, but not at the petrol station. Yeah. Because that's even funnier.

Just got out and got, like, just absentmindedly got in the wrong car. What happened? Just got in. So you would have gotten in the driver's seat, right? Because you've just been driving, you've put your petrol in, you go in, and then you get in, but they were behind you in the queue. Yeah. Was it the same car?

Yeah. Right. Sat in and gone. Completely different motor different color this doesn't seem right and then the person's come out the bloke came out he's like what the fuck you doing in my car and i'm like oh my god the key won't go in you're just like what because if it's the same car then everything's in the same place. So the key and the gear stick, you wouldn't have any. And then you just look and then there's a baby seat.

And you're like, my kid's 15 and 21. This guy's so tiny. Yeah, I did it where I was waiting for my friend to pick us up. And he had a company car, which was a Cititronzara Picasso like the estate and I was waiting for him to come and get get me and then as soon as he pulled up I just walked down the thing get into the passenger side and it's me neighbor pulling up in his new car which is the same as what we may have had in me neighbor Ronnie just looked at us was to say okay he just got home from work and i just got in his car just say where we're going where we're going take us for a spin in your new whip

i've done so many things but i've just been like i did this i had this audition for a voiceover and i got there and the women like just quite young people with interesting glasses in London, walked in and just kind of confidently said, I'm here for this. And they went, yes, go and sit over there. And I was sat there for ages and I'd made friends with all the other people because I'm quite chatty.

And it became apparent as I went on that I was actually in the cast of a Netflix film. And you just joined the cast? That's how easy it is. Everybody's just trying, just writing scripts, coming to the fringe. Just fucking walk in, grab a seat. I know. Act like you're meant to be there.

Bullshit with confidence. I'd made friends with them all. They were all, I was like, so what are you doing? And they were like, oh, we're here to do a few pickups we're here to do this that was so interesting was it anybody of note there were some kind of famous people there what was the show can you remember oh god i can't remember now it's out on netflix now it's like a proper film yeah and i was like i was part of the cast for about an hour yeah got to know them you missed your you missed your audition yeah and then they came to tap me on the shoulder and just they had to say and everybody was so embarrassed for me

it was so awkward i was like everybody was like i thought that she was with you yeah everybody was like oh so nice to meet you yeah yeah lovely and they were like oh my god you could feel the fucking cringe factor it would would be. As I backed away from the conversation. There's a world where there was one of the cast called Nina. And they just went, Nina, you're up. And you just go, this is my moment of shame. I know. And with no script.

I know. And it was something like a zombie film or something. It was like a proper sci-fi sort of. I know. And it was like, they were likefi sort of I know and it was like oh they were like what scene were you in amazing I did have a moment where I was on I was on holiday with my first girlfriend first holiday together so we're both not even 20 yet right and we're in Alanya it's in Turkey Antalya I don't know no you don't it's like it's in Turkey. Antalya? I don't know. No, you don't know? It's in Turkey somewhere.

And then we're in the pool, and I'm sat on the edge of the pool, and she swims off, and then I went in the pool and swam after her. I opened my eyes in the pool, and you know when it's, like, blurry, but you can see. Oh, no, I know what's coming. I saw the red swimsuit. Oh, no. And I went, and when she stopped swimming at the end,

I tickled her feet and got kicked in the face. Oh, no. And come up, and there was just this German woman. Oh, no. and I went and when she stopped swimming at the end I tickled her feet and got kicked in the face oh no right and come up and there was just this German woman oh no and then

my girlfriend at the time was just sat there on the side she'd already reached the side and she'd already got out and with her legs

like dangling in the water and she was like Kai what are you doing oh no no is that what I meant no

is if that's what I said out in the moon no have you ever done that thing where No. As if that's what I set out to do. Have you ever done that thing where, you see, because I'm terrible with names, and sometimes I think I've met people and maybe haven't met them. Have you ever done that with a famous person? Oh, I've had one moment like that.

Where you go over and you give them a hug and you say, it's lovely to see you. I did that with a famous actor in Glasgow. And I went and gave him a hug and said it was lovely to see him. And it turns out I have never met him. So was he a famous actor? Yeah. But you thought it was somebody you knew? Yeah.

Because it was similar looking? Just because I think I'd seen him that many times on the telly. Really? I thought I knew him. So you had a connection with him, and then you couldn't draw the line between the parasocial relationship that you've had. So you just went up to him like he was an old friend. That's like when people are actually mean to the lad

that plays Geoffrey Baratheon. I know, but in reverse. Because they think he's actually mean in real life. Yeah, but in reverse. But you like them. I had it before where i was hosting has someone ever done that to you though because like do your do your fans ever come up to you and just like they're usually over familiar they're usually really honest with it where they've they let us know i feel like i know you because like i know like there's been times where like i've been chatting to them and then I'll chat to Natalie and they'll be excited to see Natalie and realize

that Natalie doesn't know who they are like there's no and so but they're usually really respectful and know that it's one way but they're really like sometimes excitable about stuff and I understand it because like man we're recording two hours a week we've been doing it since 2016 we've spent hours in the company of these people like they almost have a right to be familiar with us because they know every one of my insecurities and all of my life story like they know more about me than a lot of my relatives because they don't listen to this and we don't talk on the phone that much so like i've got an awareness with it and like i think they mostly do too like they'll they'll know like there's nothing there's barely anything i can say

to them that they don't know already yeah so it's nice to just learn about them it's like it's sometimes like because i'm a naturally very kind of like kind of a hooky person or like like i like to sort of connect with people yeah and i've had that where someone will say hi it's lovely to see you and i genuinely don't know because i've done so many jobs and so many different things where i know them from have you ever seen anybody out of context as well where you just can't place them well i used to work in probation and i saw a guy in a petrol like a bloody petrol stations who came over to give me a great big hug and i couldn't place where i knew him so i just gave him a lovely cuddle and it said he said oh are we okay to do this now and it turned out i used to supervise him

um like so we we worked together so you had a very professional relationship. Yeah, it was like an ex-savannah. But then you greeted him. And he'd done something quite bad. And now we're having a cuddle in a petrol station. He used to hug people too tight. Was it Lenny or George?

Yeah, I was like, oh shit, I need to start to start bugging yeah I used to have that when I worked at the swimming pool when I was a lifeguard before I did this and sometimes somebody you know from another part of your life like you would play football against them sometimes or there would be a window cleaner and they'd come in in their speedos and that's just a completely that's bizarre that's a completely different person that's like you know you just is this awkward now i'm wet you've just got out the pool um there was something when you asked about have you ever forgotten the name of a famous person or something when we're talking about confusing with famous people there was something i bookmarked to say i was on stage at the it was red raw which is at the

edinburgh stand yeah where you try out new material and stuff but every now and again you'll get drop-ins off a famous face that are just getting that tour ready yeah they're just doing a 25 minute fucking try out of some material right and um it's always like unlisted celebrity guest or special guest or whatever written on it was fucking dylan moran right and i'm backstage and i'm chatting to dylan moran and like i've watched him on tv and he doesn't know who i am or anything but like he's getting to know me now and i'm on i'm on hosting and i went to bring him on and his name just fucking left me head. Completely left me head.

Right. And I got out of it like this. I just went, we've got a special guest tonight. Does anybody know who it is? And somebody had seen him walk in and went, Dylan Moran. And I was like, you're fucking down right. It's Dylan Moran. We have to get him on stage.

For the fear in my heart is I just lost it. Like lost the name yeah but it can happen like especially when you're mc and that can happen yeah like my show like sounds like a plug but my show's called goldfish and because i get memory loss yeah and you've got your goldfish you can display it on the camera and that's like it's a massive fear I have of just like going completely blind and is it something that's happening as you've gotten older or is it something that's always been a problem so I've got like a type of migraine

that you get memory loss with it you have blackouts so it's like a phagia so it's like a word finding problem so I can't achieve words and I do go completely blank and then i just make i just try and get around it yeah but names are particularly difficult yeah you know what i clocked before when you went before we started the podcast you were heading us out about the you broke in eric rushton's house and i was like is that that guy that

runs gigs around brighton who i was thinking of eric mcavoy yeah so i had the wrong guy in my head but you were just so used to getting names wrongvoy. Yeah. So I had the wrong guy in my head. But you were just so used to getting names wrong that you went, oh, I've got the wrong name. Yeah. And then you Googled him. But even though you got it right, you just had the self-doubt because you're so... Yeah, because I'm so used to being wrong.

Uh-huh. So how have you found remembering your show? It's a weird one. So there's something about, like, if you've learned a bit, like, so our club sets, they're so in your automatic memory, they're in a slightly different bit of your brain. Like typing in a phone number. Yeah.

So once it's in automatic memory, it's generally there. Yeah. But learning new things can be a little bit harder until it becomes very much in your sort of automatic memory like driving a car you know where you don't think about yeah yeah but learning new stuff can be a little bit tough right because i i always used to talk about that as uh larry did it you know when larry drives you don't remember the drive and you're like larry drove that's my autopilot I called him Larry

where it becomes in your subconscious I think there's another word for it but I can't quite think of it it's happened a few times in my show where I'll just come to a it's like hitting a wall you just come to a full stop and it's just

gone it'll be a word rather than just what's next? Gone it'll be a word rather than a what's next it'll be a word and the word just disappears I had that when I first came to the Fringe many years ago but this month

it's like that the Fringe isn't it? there's a time dilation the gig I'm talking about was literally three weeks ago it feels like a lifetime ago I lost the word philosophy I was trying to say I like the philosophy of it I was trying to say that and I just ended up using like seven words

to describe philosophy it's a little bit like that but it happens probably more regularly for me than it maybe is happening for you so I play a little quiz in the show where I read a list of like things that i've used before well i'm trying to get my point across so i'm like a toddler or a

fucking french exchange student yeah learning the language yeah where i'm i say weird expressions because i can't get my point across so i'll say like i'm going for a and it's gone as i'll say i'm going to the wet cupboard and what i mean is shower the shower the wet cupboard because yeah because it's just gone just use other words around but then you find yourself being poetic you get to be you get to be poetic more often yeah so you have to find it sort of they call it a circumcution i think they call it circumcution yeah i did on this podcast once where i forgot the word for altitude like not the festival altitude but like the you know how you've got

longitude latitude and then i just give up and went up to tune yeah yeah yeah so it's that yeah so that's just happening to you a lot yeah you don't have to remember the two times you did in your life like i've just done yeah yeah just You don't have to remember the two times you did it in your life. Like, I've just done it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's more every day. And the kids and my husband will just, like, step in, and that just drives me mad. So it ends up like a mad game of bloody guess who. I'm just like, stop it.

That is funny with older relatives, when they work through every name of every relative until they get to yours. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, oh, I'm Kevin. Oh, I'm Gavin. Oh, I'm... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you get to the guy. You've done five names before youvin oh i gavin oh yeah yeah yeah so uh you've managed to remember the routines fine because that locks in you you drill that yeah so the word just comes out automatically without you having to think of the word when it's when it's in it's in and it's not too bad, but then it will just come to a maybe word where it'll just stop. How are you with, do you ever compare much and ask the people their name and their job? Yeah. And then when you go back to talk to them, their name's gone. It's gone.

Is that happening a lot? Yeah, it's gone. And it's really annoying because I used to have, like, a brilliant, brilliant memory. So when I was much younger, I, like, had a really great memory also it's actually a loss like you felt lost because it used to be there yeah because I had a great memory like I did I think when it was much younger and I could like memorize not only my words but your words yes he knew what words were coming for how to react to them yeah yeah and I like I was I was

had a great memory so it does feel a bit of a loss yeah and i like i was i was i had a great memory uh-huh so it does feel a bit of a loss yeah and is that so the show's um which you've still got time this will come out there pretty much like straight away so um people can see your show at um at the fringe before it finishes yeah you're on it um you're after me so that must be like treated for crabs by uh yeah you won't catch crabs from Nina Gilligan. Fingers are crossed. Because you might catch crabs. But people can still catch a show if they're in Edinburgh.

And it's called Goldfish. Yeah. And that's the gist of it. And what does your fringe day look like? Because I usually see you at approximately 6.30. Yeah. And then we cross paths again at about just before the start of your show. But what does your day look like in the build-up to your show?

Oh, it starts generally with coffee and cigarettes and me trying to break into people's bedrooms. Nice. Daily. It's just every day. That's why Eric sits up so slowly. He's made her again in our memory loss yeah yeah yeah i don't i don't um i've tried to not punish myself this year

in terms of having too much of a routine i just like yeah to take the day as it comes good yeah i've been to see a few things i've um done a bit of shopping can you can you see shows before your show i know like craig hill won't he doesn't do anything but his show in a day like his head's got to be clear no i'm not i'm not too i'm not like no i'm not too married to that idea i've seen people because i used to live in edinburgh so great i've got so you've had a nice social life while you've been here yeah and um because you've got a reasonably late show time so you can afford a hangover yeah have you been i did a little bit of socializing i don't like i'm not been mad on it but we were saying this year we've hung out an abattoir a couple of times yeah we have we have and we've had a few like there was the dave party

where they basically spent a load of money to put comedians in a playpen. Yeah, because it was Lane 7, so that's like Bowling Green. Bowling Green. Bowling Alley. I'm not showing my age. We're doing it now. Bowling Alley. Dartboards, axe throwing.

Crazy golf. Crazy golf. Shuffleboard. And it was free. And the day was free food. Free food, free booze. That made me absolutely pissed. So the Liverpudlians, like Sian Davis.

Yeah, she's nice. I met her this year. Yeah, that's the first time I've come out with Sian. She kept going to me, Nina, Nina, there's free booze, there's free booze. And then all the Yorkshire comedians and the Lancashire comedians were going, there's free food were going this free food this free food which was

Tupperware Tupperware the food take it home lots of Tupperware and then and then then there was just normal people

who weren't going mad over the free booze and free food yeah because I I was there but I had my last train home

was 11.45 and I don't know if you know me now, but I can go. Yes, I know. You know, once the fucking brakes come off, I'm just like, last man standing. I've got the birds singing in my night. Like, there's going to be the end of the session shit where everybody else has hit the dust

and I'm checking empty cigarette packets. Oh, brilliant. I'm licking the bag. Like, I really fucking hanging on to the end. I started to feel that fucking person inside of us. Like I'm 41 man but like I still felt that like side of us coming through just going this is it.

Yeah. This is what you play for. Yeah. I fucking went and got my last train. Aww. Just doom scrolled on the way home. Aww. To be honest they finished that one. It wasn't too I fucking went and got my last train. I just doom-scrolled on the way home. To be honest, it finished at one. It wasn't too crazy. But there's other places to go. Yeah, there was.

I heard that Ryan Dixon got woken up at 6.30 in the morning by the cleaners at Assembly Bar. And that is why he's king of the gate. Yep. He stays out until the cleaners start. Yeah. So, yeah, I had one of them nights in this but you know what when i woke up in my own bed there's a part of that where like i'm like

the trade would have been i had it i had a couple offers of like you don't want to just crash then if you're staying over there's a couch or whatever and i had them but even even with that offer i was a little bit like yeah but i'm gonna pretend that off i didn't come because tomorrow i'm gonna wake up in my own bed i'm gonna walk the dog yeah like there's a couple of things you're gonna be grateful for it yeah but next week saturday we've planned it all what you're gonna do there's gonna be a well even peggy at home and there's a dog sitter that's gonna come around and spend time with her and take her for a couple of walks and just, um,

leave her late, late on enough that when we get home, it's going to be fine. Um, again, there's four of us. So we're just getting a taxi back to Glasgow and we've got tickets for Masioki.

Do you know of this? No. So there's a band on stage that that just do banger after banger. Amazing. And the words are on the screen all the way. So you just go there and just fucking have a sing-along. And where is that? And that's at the McEwen Hall, which I don't know how it's going to be

because every year that I've done it, it's been amazing, but it's been in the Spiegel tent. So it's been like there's all these cabaret kind of seating booths. Yeah. You know the Spiegel tent. Yeah. And then everybody's dancing, but you've got somewhere that you can break away where your jackets are and then you just have a sit and have a pint have a chat and then get up and have a sing and a dance right this is more kind of theater seating and i don't know who's going to be like sitting in a theater watching karaoke it's not a watchy thing so unless they're just

like put the seats up and everybody's just in the rows and then you can go to the dance floor and then come back to your row like you would do with the seats. But I don't know how it's going to be in the McEwen Hall, but I do have mushrooms. And I just think if you are mushrooms. Try not to get gout children. I know, I'm just going to seize up my joints. So, I mean, there's quite an array of them um like everybody's got their own candy you know we were talking about before like um weed isn't for some people like it makes you like paranoid makes you paranoid it makes natalie stop talking so she's not big on weed but some people will be on

weed some people will be on coke some people will be on mdma some people will be on mushrooms and there's quite a large group of us that's just like, well this is the lane I'm in but we're all going to be on such hellishly different frequencies while in raked seating watching karaoke It sounds amazing

I mean it's going to be something Yeah, it's going to be something You'll all be there tuning in in your own particular frequency Some will remember it more than others Yeah, it's going to be something. You'll all be there tuning in in your own particular frequency. And some will remember it more than others. Yeah. Oh, I never get... Some will be waiting for Pink Floyd,

others will be waiting for something else. Yeah. Oh, I've heard, I've actually, like, I feel, like, ashamed that I've never done this, but I've heard listening to Pink Floyd while on Mushrooms is just, like... I've done that. That's what the Mushrooms... I've done that.

That's what the music's for. The first time I ever took Mushrooms was in Edinburgh, while on mushrooms is just like that's what the mushroom that's what the music's for the first time i ever took mushrooms was in edinburgh and we did the pink floyd full album experience on mushrooms great so was that at a venue no it was at a house yeah because um i was also did you have anything visually on did you have like a like a time-lapse video on the on youtube or something no we just did the sound yeah and i wasn't like there wasn't like any massive like visual aura with it or anything there was just like it was just a nice yeah nice chill because i found out with um i guess a misconception with mushrooms if you've never taken them before

and you've only ever seen the like tv's representation people think you're hallucinating you don't well they think it's just visual yeah there's obviously like in the traces the hallucination isn't what people think it is either like they think it hallucinates like can you see that fucking giant rabbit over there yeah like they think it's going to be like just like a cartoonish thing in the corner but it's like the world reacts in a different way it's kind of like it's time like so something like like like you get traces and things like that don't you the big ones like um if you look at a laminated floor look like it's flowing like lava yeah and then when you look at the tiles on the wall they'll be moving the curtains will be flowing um i like looking at rugs yeah because

the rugs the the like cotton strands on the rugs kind of just move like little wriggly worms and it's not not in a gross way i think it's a very gentle sort of thing it's not it's not mental really no um i live in the greatest diversity of mushrooms of anywhere in Britain so what your tenement flat in Edinburgh yeah in Hebden Bridge yeah so the like wild mushrooms you mean yeah and hallucinogenics because they um that's why we had a movement of hippies to where I live the town where I live in Hebden Bridge do you know what I look for there yeah so the hippies came basically it was like a mill town for cloth. And we've got these like sort of quite ancient forests in the crags. And they're like a great growing ground for mushrooms.

So the hippies found it. Yeah. And then they moved in and started squatting. They're just hugging around the mushrooms, direct the sauce, drinking from the tap. And then the lesbian community came and now we've got the greatest amount of lesbians in the whole of Europe. So it's like this cool little town in North Yorkshire. Do you go and hang around with them? Do you get involved with them just like you did with the Netflix guys? Obviously I'm part of that community. So so yeah it's a really nice community

so you go and take mushrooms in the field with the lesbians well you know I'm not going to say we all sit around taking mushrooms together it's not like a big sort of hey find yourself a lesbian I'm just like camping out it's a big well that goes on

but it's a big sort of mushroomy thing goes on in but there's a big sort of mushroomy thing going on in Hebden Bridge. Oh, nice. I want to come. Yeah, you're invited. You're both invited. Yeah, can me and Natalie come

and have a mushroom hangout with the lesbian druids of Hebden Bridge? Yeah, we'd love it. I'm in on that. I'm down for that. Yeah. Amazing. I think we'll wrap this up now

because we've both got shows to do Nina but would you just give your show one last plug because we've talked about it before so Goldfish is on if I can remember 8.40 every day just after Kai's amazing show you could do it just as a double we're both on

Kai's show is on at 7.15 and my show is on at 7.15. And my show is on at 8.40. It's at the Subatomic venue, which is in the Just Atonic. It's on the Pleasance Courtyard Road, but not the Pleasance Courtyard. It's just up the hill from there. And we've got five gigs left.

Are you doing six? Oh, no, five. Yeah, you're not doing the Monday. No. Have you done that before? Did, and I felt sad. Fucking ruthless, isn't it? It's terrible. And I had to do big value after

mine last time so you weren't kicking on tuesday still i was here till like nine o'clock and i was just like depressed yeah i have been i've been on a like a late start show that did the monday that so i went into tuesday because it was 11 50 showtime right and then they were dismantling the other venues around us i was walking through through Deconstruction. In my audience, we're walking through Deconstruction to get into the venue, and I was like, why am I still at the Fringe? It's been over for ages. I felt like I was post-credits.

The credits are rolled and I'm just there like a fucking Marvel movie. Yeah, it's great. So yeah, no Monday. Gareth Waugh is doing Monday. If you're looking for something on the Monday and you don't want the Fringe to end, go see Gareth Waugh because he fucking loves it. So yeah, let's i weld Gareth Walker. Mae'n hynod o ffwrdd. Felly ie, gadewch i ni

gyd-ddi-ddi-ddi. Mae'n sgwrs gwych. Diolch. Diolch.