Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Cream is back! Ft. Cru$her

Episode Date: March 16, 2017

Holy mother of God. Me, Cream, may have succesfully recorded, editted and uploaded an episode all by myself. Muggins is now obselete. Long live co-host Sir Mickolas Cody. We discuss Vegas, Muggins fitness and Crushers upbringing. Enjoy!

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Aww, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Hello and welcome back to Sloss and Humphreys on the Road with me, Daniel Sloss and no, Kai Humphreys, because if you haven't listened to the podcast recently, you'll know that we're no longer on the road together, which means each week we get a guest in to fill the place

and the empty hole in our lives left by either Muggins or Cream. this week with me is the Nick Cody we are we don't know where Kai is muggins is off doing something else I was at a wedding for the past week which we'll get onto in a second but now you and I are in Brisbane it was in Adelaide looking svelte oh have you seen him he's a fit looking dude i know it's like i i've seen photos because he's been sending topless photos for fucking zero reason photos that he's clearly taken for his girlfriend that we've discussed that are inappropriate to send to a friend uh but yeah it's it's like doesn't matter how much work you do, the house is still falling down.

Look, he's not an attractive man. Yeah. The roof has seen a lot of hailstorms. They've fixed the deck and that. Was that hail or was there an asteroid shower? What has happened here? No, he's looking very well. Yes, bottom half, it's almost, you know those you like the legs are different and the body's different it's like the first is a bottom two are great

and then the top is just... He's the guy version of a prawn. Yeah, bite off the head and keep the body. He's finally turned himself into a fucking prawn. By the way, if he hears this he'll be laughing because all I was doing was, I was in Adelaide last week with him. Just gave him compliments every time I saw him. Except for his socks. Huh? Except for his socks. His socks? Yeah, I was listening to their podcast.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he did have like black like suit socks on. Yeah, the reason they stay up though is because he's cum on them so much. They're essentially like shin pads at this point. He's not seen Natalie in a long time. A long time. Oh, that first fuck

is going to be a violent one. Yeah, from her. Just now that she knows he's ripped and she knows he can take a beating. She's just given him

a kidney shot. You come when I say slut. Natalie is a violent lover is what we're trying to say. Yeah, I think they're going off to Thailand or something to just, I don't know. He's built for Thailand. Kai Humphries does not know.

Yeah, fake tits. He's got fake tits. Tucks it in between his legs he is good to go no Thailand Kai doesn't understand he's the perfect candidate for somebody on a holiday in Thailand none of his tattoos match yeah he's a pasty person from England nobody's gonna try and spike him and seal his kidneys because who wants those fucking kidneys those are ruined he's gonna wake up in a bathtub with like stitches

on both sides but the kidneys are still in there and just a note saying dude go to the doctor. Yeah they put somebody else's kidneys in for him. Yeah.

They just robbed another guy and taken a guy seeing how bad they are like oh god he needs this more than the black market. We opened him up and we just found gravel.

I don't know if that I'll try and put some human parts in there. He's looking fucking good though. He's looking opened him up and we just found gravel. I don't know if that... I'll try and put some human parts in there. He's looking fucking good though. He's looking good. It's almost as if a healthy diet and proper sleep and not drinking does something for you. I've not seen enough evidence. Look,

I went to the gym for the first time in about seven months yesterday and I tell you what, don't have a sex back. What's the fucking point in this? That first one back's always hard. And it didn't help. We went out for American barbecue food for lunch. Yeah.

And then, yeah, now that we're in Brisbane, cheering a flat. And also Jean Beanie is over here. So she's in the flat too. And yesterday we went to... A place called The Smoke in Brisbane. Oh yeah, The Smoke, yeah, for the food, yeah. But then after that, the more important thing is

we've got six days together, so we naturally went to a second-hand shop, EB Games, and bought a second-hand Xbox 360 and FIFA. Yes. So Jean is thrilled. She's come all the way to this other side of the planet to see me do exactly what I do at home. Yeah, which is yell at her.

Yeah, papaya game. The one thing I will say about you. I've got to be fair too, with FIFA, I have not won a game yet. Not yet, no. You've drawn a bunch, you've won some.

We've had a very close couple of games and then some not so close ones. But what I will say is I truly don't believe there is any greater pleasure in the world than playing FIFA with Nick Cody because you are, at the same time,

the most sportsmanship, sportsmanlike person and then also were at the same time the most sportsmanship sportsmanlike person and then also at the exact same time the most unsportsmanlike fuck in the world like if I score a goal whatever it is

regardless you'll be like yeah great goal high five always high five if anybody scores a goal on me high five fist bump respect

respect it's a great goal this is still fun but the rest of the game it's I will fucking chop you dog cunt. Gina tried to sit in the room yesterday while we were playing. She was like, I thought you were going to fight at one point.

You think I'm afraid of a video referee holding up a video red card? I don't give a fuck. I'm trying to break your spirit. I'll kill everybody in that. I just love, just the second, normally when you play against a personal like the second you get past their last player you're like oh this will be good and all I just see is someone running full sprint from behind I'm like I don't think he's going for the shirt tuck like this guy's not checking the label of my fucking shirt no I play I play fever the same way I used to play actual sports,

which is talk shit from the outset and try and do something horrifically violent within the first five, ten minutes just to keep you on the toes for the rest of the game. Well, that actually brings us to what I actually wanted to bring up

is you and I obviously have a lot in common when it comes to, you know, our parents are up bringing stuff. Both of our parents loved comedy. They were very supportive of us when we got started in comedy., our parents are up bringing stuff. Both of our parents loved comedy. They were very supportive of us when we got started in comedy. They come to a lot of shows. Your parents are famous on the Australian comedy scene. My parents are famous on the Scottish comedy scene because it's Cody's and Loss's parents. Even Jean

yesterday was just hanging out. She was just like, you and Cody are so much like the same person. But there is also a lot, a little bit of kai to you in the sense that you also have a to me a hilarious childhood with all your sports stuff every sports story you tell me about you playing aussie roast football is the funniest because you were a bag of shit you're willing to admit this yeah the first one was crus. I had bleached white hair for one season. I also had tips at other times. And? I never got reported

in a game, but I was... No, I had a bracelet. I got a white gold bracelet made up that said Crush on it and the S was a dollar sign just to let everybody know.

That you were a baller? I meant business. How old were you? Fifteen. I made my parents buy for me for my birthday I got a bracelet

I designed was your dad just so ashamed like at a jewellery shop my parents must have found it so funny my mum hated it was like

is it life is it life is it life for Brian that Monty Python he's not the son he's not the Messiah he's a very naughty boy

that was like my mum at junior footy when parents would yell out Crusher get him Crusher my mum would be like his name's Nick

she refused to call me Crusher although she was the one that instilled the mentality that ended up you know

yeah what was the one I wanted you to tell what's my favourite probably oh yeah just just the the oh yeah just just the

the oh yeah I've talked on a few podcasts the ambulance one yeah

so there was a game it must have been under 14s under 15s we were playing a rival team

in the finals it's Australian Royals football in the WRFL league and I'd knocked one of their players out and then a few minutes with a fair

with a fair tackle and a few minutes later I broke one of the other players collarbones and they were both put in an ambulance and an ambulance can only get both fair tackles I was never a dirty player I was never throwing punches I haven't been in a fight since year nine right I'm not dirty I just with sports just love tackle sports yeah at the same time as much as i say that i never played cricket or baseball because i'm terrified of like hard balls coming at you yeah but if a six foot two kids no but yeah i'm i'm 5 10 and at the time i would have been 80 kilos 82 85 kilos if they're like run at that

130 kilo Samoan man I'm like yeah I'll fucking wreck this cunt I just didn't care I'll run at it I just don't care but if someone's throwing a ball

I'm like ooh that could hurt you do that full body flinch where your knee comes out ah aya I just rock out

to bat in a sumo suit alright boys yeah so these two kids go in the ambulance and I ran over to the Eltona sideline I just rock out to bat in a sumo suit. All right, boys. Yeah, so these two kids go in the ambulance and I ran over to the Eltona sideline where the parents and other teammates and parents and family, supporters of the Eltona team were, and I yelled out,

send another ambulance because I'm going to keep knocking these fucking cunts out. Right? And a parent threw a pie at me and another one threw a thermos neither of them hit me nerds

just like their kids like father like son yeah weak throw from some weak boned L-tone yeah

oh what a surprise the beta DNA missed see I have the opposite when it goes like I used to be very good at sports in primary school

but that's because I came from a primary school With 80 fucking kids in it For 7 years So I was like Always the best at football You're gonna make One team or another

Yeah But I was I was a cross Because I'm very Very competitive And then I went to High school Where the

Amount of people Was like 900 And I didn't know anyone And I fucking hated it So it wasn't I didn't have the confidence to just join this I played rugby for a bit but then I got knocked out in a game by myself because it was I was small so the coach was like oh you're small you must be fast no just small and useless

just small and slow small and slow yeah the drag combo yeah really not great but at one point I get the ball through and I'm like I'm through and I'm just running as fast as I can and that's not fast enough but there's enough distance for me to get there and i'm so excited the fact that i'm about to score a try i'm just constantly looking over my shoulders that i just ran into the fucking posts right and didn't land on the ball so also not even a trial just win it yeah just fucked it forever i think they then took it and did a hundred yard fucking return with me just going ah also knocked myself out in a game of football pre-match soccer yeah that uh because i was the captain of my like my house in the school football team and i was and i so i was the house captain i was that's how i know that's how i know you're bad at sports yeah you you still

remember the fact that you were captain of a house sport team. Oh, yeah. Here's why. Because I knew I wouldn't make the sports team normally, but because they made me captain of the house, I'm like, I'm also captain of the football team. Get a pick. Power corrupts.

Oh, man. I was like, all my friends, I want them. But I'm the best at football. Yeah, but you were mean to me in third year, so you can suck a dick. And I'm just doing, like doing the warm-ups with them, and everyone's running around the front of the goal, and I'm like, I'll overtake everyone and be like, add a little bit of joy

by being silly and running around the back of the goal, and there's just a chain that connects the goal to the fence, and I don't see it, and just full close line across. Fully injured, concussed, still played all 90 minutes because the coach, me, would not sub me off. Because the coach, me, had a lot in faith in me, me. Concussion. I was not good at that.

I had some other things that we needed to do. Oh, that was the story that we promised we'd tell in the last podcast. Vegas. Oh, yes. Vegas. Oh, yes. So, you and I, we were all at Vegas with Kai, Bart Freebird. Simon Taylor.

Simon Taylor. So, Bart. Milan. Milan. The Milanimal. Simon Taylor, Bart and I, it was UFC Fight Week last July. So, UFC 200 was the big event. We were going to go to that together. It was meant to be Conor McGregor, Nate Diaz too.

Then that fight got pulled, so I wasn't going to attend. But UFC Fight Week, there's three different fight cards, Thursday, Friday. Then Saturday's the big one. But Simon and I went to the Thursday one, and then you guys flew in on the Thursday, and we met up after the fights. Now, you have to understand, if you think I like drinking normally, I do. But in Vegas at UFC Fight Week, I'm next level.

I went to the gym in the morning. Bart and Simon didn't go to the gym and I just came back drenched in sweat with two of those one liter beer cans. Like, let's fucking party, cunts. They don't drink, by the way. Bart and Simon

are two sober people I'm drinking enough for every single person here I don't want to think

somebody's a little bit soft but we had lots of drinks it was a good time

and at one point when we're all there Milan goes let's go to a

strip club I know the biggest strip club yeah Milan had a friend

who's worked hundreds of jobs in Vegas over the friend who's worked hundreds of jobs in Vegas over the years he's worked in hotels

in casinos he's been like a tour group organiser he's booked sort of bucks parties and hens nights and all that sort of stuff

stag dudes if you will bachelor parties whoever's listening we're dudes do shit right he's booked all this stuff and so he's friends with a lot of owners

and managers of things. And one of them, he's best mates with the people that run the world's largest strip club. Yeah. So he invites us to that. Now, initially... Two in the morning.

Yeah, two in the... None of us are clean. You are engaged. At this point, I've never enjoyed strip clubs. Kai just wants to sort of get drunk and be in the casinos. Mattie was there,

has a girlfriend was not interested in going but then Milan goes if we go there it's it's free there's a free table there free drinks

and he's going to get us a limo there and I'm like well now we obviously have to yeah have to go by the way yeah again this is 2am on a Friday morning

we just get asked do you want to go to the strip club world's largest strip club yeah alright I'll check it out I'll get a sorry just a bit technical difficulties there

so we decide to get this limousine to the thing we get there we get drinking and obviously the main social full part

you can do at a strip club apart from the obvious ones like molest and get your dick out and what not is to just not go for any dances

like because that's we went there for the free booze yes most of us are uninterested in having a lap dance I just find the whole thing

weird and everyone else is in a relationship anytime I've been to strip clubs in the past I hadn't been to one in a few years

but I remember the last time myself and I was with again Milan, Milan, and another comedian. And we all just started talking about, like, we were asking them if they treat it like a gig and what's a good crowd and a bad crowd. Yeah. Then you end up just talking shit. Yeah, just talking absolute bollocks, yeah.

So at one point, Kai and Milan and Matty go off to just basically prop up the bar. The guy that runs the place can get them up the bar. There's like a tab there where you and me are just sort of happy sitting. There's a bottle of vodka at the table. And obviously every couple of minutes strippers are coming up and sort of talking to you. And they're very nice, but they want you to go for a dance. And we're just like, no, thank you. Not here for a dance.

No, thank you. Yeah, a particular tone. Yeah, you've got to be nice and be like, thank you very much. And it's also that, like, what thank you, not here for a dance, no thank you. Yeah, a particular tone. Yeah, you've got to be nice and be like, thank you very much. And it's also that, like, what are you boys up to?

Anybody, which I get it. Yeah. It's their role. And we are in the wrong here. We're in a strip club and at a table with free booze and we're not getting stripped on

at all. We're not interested. Yeah, we're not there for it. But we brought it on ourselves. We turned up like that, dressed how we were, you know.

And people, the strippers are getting more and more upset. Not upset, but annoyed, being like, oh, come on, why else are you here? So you and I, without even discussing it, just naturally go into the greatest defense of all time, which is at one point one of the girls sits down beside me. She goes talking away, and she's lovely, and she's like, would you like a dance?

And you just lean over, touch her leg, and go, and go honey unless you got a big old swinging dick down there it's not going to be interested and she goes what and i'm like this is my partner uh this is our ass this is our sort of sag our bucks do uh but obviously because we're uh a gay couple we did quite a lot of um you know we went into the grand canyon yesterday with the boys it was a bit of a day for us and all of her friends are straight. So we thought we'd do something nice for them. And she's like, oh my God. And the second she thought we were gay, all of her, the stripper sort of charm, she just became like the person that she is. She was like, oh my God, congratulations. And then more strippers come over, find it adorable.

And then you and I, in what was the most hardest I've ever had to not laugh ever, just improvise with each other the whole time. So how did you meet? Well, we actually met on the Australian comedy scene. Where are you getting married? Well, obviously, I want to get married in Scotland. He wants to get married in Australia. But the thing is, Australia won't recognize our marriage there.

And they're like, oh, my God. You guys, you're so cute. Oh, we're just their hands on each other's knees. And she keeps going to me. She's like a big handsome man. I was like, baby, you should tell me about it. I got called cute. I've never been called cute.

My favorite part at one point. How amazing is that? I can have the exact same head as I have now. But if I use it to put my mouth on dicks, I'm cute all of a sudden. I'm no longer a fucking grub. Well I think it's because we were cute together. You know you're a big bear and I'm a tiny little not bear. I don't know what the gay term for me is but I'm

pretty sure it's eel. Just small wriggly and hairless. Party bottom. Is that because my ass is like a party pop? All the streamers are red and brown. My favorite moment in it was at one point I was talking to

one of the girls and she was like, congratulations, this is really great. It's such a nice thing for you to do to your friends. Let them come out here. I was like, honey, can I ask you a question? She was like, sure. I was like, are was like sure and I was like are your breasts real she was like

of course they are do you want to feel and I'm standing out there going this is if this is what being gay is I wish it was a choice I've always said it I really do wish

it was a choice so yeah that was just one of my honestly that whole night and this was another great moment the second we get back you

one of the first things and not out of guilt you just phone Looch your wife or your fiance at the time tell her instantly and she just laughs her ass off down the phone because i was maggot it is 5 30 in the morning uh friday morning so i call back to australia luch is with one of her friends they're having some drinks and what i didn't realize i called luch about five times in a six-minute period. Looch, what's going on? Oh, you'll never guess what happened. We did.

We did go to the world's biggest strip club. How do you know? I told you. Fuck. All right, I'll talk to you later. I've got to go for Looch. Bye. Looch, you'll never guess what.

That morning, so it was 5.30, 6 in the morning, would you love to guess what that morning so it was 5.30 6 in the morning I think we went back and gambled for a bit yeah New York and then

I went to bed and I got to sleep at about 7am which was perfect because I had to be awake at 8.30am to go to the Grand Canyon for realsies

not like in the made up improv story with my not gay lover Daniel Sloss. Yeah, yeah. Bart and Simon, the two sober guys, and myself,

were off to the Grand Canyon and I was so... I just slept most of the drive. We drove out. It's about four and a half hours. That when I got to the Grand Canyon, it was so beautiful that I couldn't...

I couldn't cope with it. Like, I had to sit with my back to the Grand Canyon for a few minutes and then look over my shoulders and I'm teary it's so beautiful like I was that level hung over just seeing that massive size of hole makes you miss Looch I told that joke to her the day of the Grand Canyon as well I'm just so happy I got to use it in recorded form because it was too good it was too gold of the Grand Canyon as well. I'm just so happy I got to use it in recorded form. Because it was too gold at the time to be dead forever. I'm glad I got to bring it back.

Looch, do you want a South Rim job or a North Rim job? Let's go to Muggle Corner. Let me just get my e-cig first. Yeah. Oh, so just before we even get into Muggle Corner, yeah oh so just before we even get into a muggle corner a big shout out and thank you to Lord of all the muggles Richard Massara old dick massager who is the lovely man comedian friend lover that did the intro for this podcast that was him and I love the man so goddamn much and he will be the first to admit

this is not me slamming him that he is uber muggle Richard, I think every podcast every episode he's in the corner for at least a minute and he's not ashamed of it he's so proud of it, he's the one that bought me and Kai a star called the Muggle Star, named it after us after we

put naming stars in Muggle Corner first thing he did, he's now created a website called Mugglepedia.com where he's just gone through and every single thing we've nominated and whether it goes in the corner or not is there. So it's like a little Muggle archive. Yeah, there are some there

where both of you both of you completely agree on it and so you've got to stand in the corner for a minute. Is that how? No, 30 seconds. It's 30 seconds if we both if both of us don't agree then it doesn't go in the corner for a minute? Is that how? No. How does the minute thing work? It's 30 seconds if we both, if both of us don't agree, then it doesn't go in the corner.

So it's up for contention. Both of you agree, it's 30 seconds. There was one in there though, where it says you have to stand in there, stand in the corner for a minute. Oh, it's probably like a really, really big one that we just hated. But before we get onto this,

would you like to explain to any new listeners what a muggle is? So a muggle is somebody just a muggle a muggle is somebody just plain off the rack off the rack person. Not bad people. Not bad people.

Just just like the white noise of humanity. Yeah. I think somebody explained in one of the episodes it's like the Grand Theft Auto characters that

don't have any part in any of the storylines they just walk around the streets. Yeah do them. Yeah you can small interactions with them it's normally lovely but the thing is we're all very guilty that don't have any part in any of the storylines. They just walk around the streets. Yeah, do them. Yeah, you can. Small interactions with them to normally look lovely. But the thing is,

we're all very guilty of doing muggly things. Of course. Every single one of us is capable of doing it. We do many. Just a full muggly somebody that does all the time. Constantly, all the time. And all of them.

So what we like to do is just bring light to some of our muggle tendencies. And if we both agree that it is something a muggle would do, and you do it, you have to stand in the corner for 30 seconds just to have a little bit of shame you muggle fuck uh would you like to go first yes muggles use flyby cards or any card at a supermarket that is asked do you have this before you actually pay that's what is a flyby card you know what i

mean where you buy something at a supermarket and it's like are you a fucking are you a fancy supermarket card person and you go yes of course and you bring that out first

you get some points and then you pay for British for British listeners he means like nectar cards for Sainsbury's oh is that

and Tesco club points cards Tesco club points yeah definitely don't go through my wallet because I absolutely don't go through my wallet because I absolutely don't have four of them I've never used

I've never I've never gone on the website I don't know I must be a fucking Tesco Club Point millionaire because I'll always scan it I don't know how to check it I don't know what it does

every time I go in there they're like you've got a lot of points I'm like don't care so if this does go to Muggle Corner I do have it

but I do not and also I'm a virgin velocity oh yeah but I don't count that that's to get on

you use it when you're flying you get points and status credits you can use it blah blah blah I think flying to pull out a card and go yeah I am a member

yeah cause you get you get an upgrade you get lounges access there's not a first class expressway lane If you're just buying Shitter roll

You don't need to bring A card out beforehand Yes I am an elite member Oh with a very very Bloody arsehole Oh I need to stay Might throw some tampons In there just for my arse guy

Because it is a rough day For moi Plastidon Oh what is that A gold member I remember when I was a gold member back in the days

of just buying pastrami and rusks I don't know if you get any discount I think it is totally muggly but I can't even give any examples

because I've never done I don't know what the points do I've got no idea what it does I think you can use them I think with supermarket things no

are you a level 7 shopper? Yeah. Which makes you a level 12 muggle? No, I think you can use the points to redeem them for stuff online. It'll be things for like shitty discounts being like, do you want £20 off to go to Benidorm? Oh, so a free trip to Benidorm. And you give me and my partner a tenner.

If you spend over $500,000 we'll give you a pair of knock-off Beats headphones. If you spend over £200,000 this year in this store move. Branch out. Go to another store. Do something. By the way, I just realised yesterday at

EB Games when we bought the second-hand thing. Oh yeah, you did have a fucking card. They asked me if I had one. I said, I've lost the card. I think I had one. And he asked me for my email, and I gave it to him. Crush it, kill him, poor 69. I can't believe your dad let you have his email address.

And I did. I've got an EB Games account. I used to have a games account. I think this is one of those muggle things where it's not even an overly bad muggle thing, but it is absolutely 100% muggle. But EB Games, fuck, I can't believe I've thrown myself into this corner. The EB Games one, I know,

when I was playing a lot of video games, you bring stuff in, you get more trade-in value, you get like every third game for free or some shit they are tangible things that you can they happen immediately in the store yeah i just think flyby's cards it's not like if you've got heaps of flyby's points you can skip ahead in the queue yeah be nice if you get to a certain level of points like i like i would love it if it's on us Kant. Get that trolley out of there. Good on you. Yeah, yeah.

Whatever you can carry out the store is yours. Or like if you want to get to platinum level, there's the normal trolleys but then there's one with butlers and you just walk around and you point at things.

Seven cantaloupe, please, Jeeves. Like that, if that's what Tesco Club points are, no longer muggly. There's a lot of... Like shopping online is a massive thing. And I don't mean shopping

as in Amazon. Sorry to sound like a fucking great grandpa just there. Shopping online is pretty big. I mean like grocery shopping online. Yeah,

they just, they drop it off to your house. Which is incredible. I don't know how much it costs, but it's got to be worth it. It's, oh,

I've done that before. I'm never home enough, but when they do it, it is great. The only downfall to online shopping is how dumb some of the things are. So if you order something and they don't have it in store, they'll either refund you the money, or more likely they'll try and find you something similar to it and put it in. So if you order red onions and they don't have red onions,

they'll be like, oh, we put in just two normal onions. Anyway, just in case, that's fine. But they fuck up spectacularly. Wow. So one time I ordered carrots and they were like, we didn't have carrots, so here's a bag of oranges. I'm like, yeah, it was the color I was after. Yeah, that's not going to fit in my ass holes. Get that out of here.

Get that out of here. Dear Tesco, I have not stopped shitting. God, my asshole is like a dying sun. It's just constantly going inwards. It can't stop. It's too tangy. Yes, it's... I mean, don't get me wrong. It's the freshest my butt's ever been.

But it can no longer see in the dark. Yeah, I'll give you that one. But that is a proper muggly thing. There's no... I've never seen anyone do it enough that it, like, pisses me off. It's just such a... Yeah, no, I'll i've won i'll collect

all the points and if you're one of those fucking nerdy conspiracy you sign up on the spot i've seen that in front would you like a card yeah then they pull out the membership form and somebody's filling it out in line oh they can with people behind oh that's no muggle that's just a piece of shit like get it's like let me i always say let me help you out and i help them fill it out mainly so i can get their address and then burn their fucking house down. Stand in that fiery, smoky corner. Yeah, but just like the opposite of Manchester by the sea. You're just smug as the house is burning down.

Yeah. Yeah, get those kids. Here's one that's very sort of comic related but I think you'll agree Muggles Hackle oh for sure like I've like I

I know anybody that I anybody that I meet they ask me what I do I am one of their a lot of comedians say I don't say I'm a comedian

that's they don't believe in themselves right or they haven't done enough because 99.9 of the time i'll say it person has no idea who i am yeah which i'm cool with yeah but a quick google search because they'll go tell us a joke and i said man just go on youtube yeah there's a fair bit of stuff on there if somebody then says to me man i went to a comedy night once the comic

was whatever i threw him some bloody heckles i I ended up winning. No, you didn't win. No, you didn't. First of all, that story is not true. Because you've just met me. What's your address? It's like, I got heckled like a bit yesterday. And it wasn't even a malicious heckle. A lot of the time, I will not go harsh on a heckler.

Because a lot of the time, hecklers don't realize what they're doing is just annoying. Like, it's sometimes it's very really malicious because your show is sort of open they feel like they know you they want to join in they're having such a good time they don't realize how you know scripted the sort of show is and how it flows and you know that even though it might be funny to them and i always paid to see you they paid to see the the comic. Of course. And if somebody yells out sometimes, I got told once like 99% of the time it's somebody that had too much to drink or something.

You know what I mean? So if it's not super loud and obvious, like if I hear it and you can see parts of the crowd have heard it, but not everyone, I'll just let it slide. Because I think most people after that go, oh, fuck, I said that. I've got to pull my head in. Or somebody will give him a nudge.

Yeah, or the people around them won't laugh and then they'll look. Like I leave it up to the crowd. It's like, hey, you're all fucking nice people. You're here. Somebody sort that person out. Yeah, and the reason it's Mugly is because it takes a special type of Muggle to be watching a comedy show of a professional comic

and be like, I know what this guy needs. My fucking banter. That's what this show is missing. Apparently though, one of our favourite comedians, Patrice O'Neill, who passed away a few years ago,

he's fucking excellent, got started by heckling someone on stage. And then they asked him if he could do it. And he was like, yeah. And then came back, did a spot there a week later or something. And smashed?

Yeah. Oh, man, I did love Professor Neil. Elephant in the Room was one of my favorites. You saw Elephant in the Room live? Yeah, live. That and then the next day

Louis C.K. Wood. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. Those two were on the same weekend. Have you ever had a decent heckle no i've had some people in there it's not really heckable like they join in or say if an audience member oh yeah says something funny i'll i'll allow it sort of thing yeah but

that's not a heckle really you know i've never i've had someone uh to be honest, I see red when I can tell someone is just being a bit... Oh, if someone's talking, it takes all my concentration. Because I'm like... If someone's being rude, and I know I can ignore it, but they're ruining the show for the people around them. It takes so much for me to not go... I have to calmly be like... First of all, put all the attention on them.

Stop the fucking show. Do the teacher thing where you just someone's talking in class you stand there and just look at them and then give me it and they'll normally back down but if they just keep doing it it's like I can and will I have the power to make you cry yeah like the reason I'm on stage is because not only am I aware of my own vulnerabilities and I can talk about them honestly I can pretty sure I can pick up on your vulnerabilities, you big-nosed twat. Like, anything, I can turn this all, and I've definitely made audience members

when I was younger a bit more vitriolic. Yeah. Cry a bit. Yeah, I've scorched the earth. Yeah. And then afterwards, like, you feel a little... You feel shit. Yeah, you don't feel great.

Because that's not our personality. Yeah, but you just get so, because it's such a... a little you feel shit yeah you don't feel great because that's not our personality yeah but it's you just get so because it's such so annoying yeah well you just realise you eventually realise you know

we've done it long enough you go they're probably not meaning to be brutal yeah they just they think they're helping but that's what it is it's muggle ignorance

it's just it's the it's this is gonna help this is gonna be great I'm definitely assisting this professional comedian who's done the show

90 times I heard once though the reason I forget which comedian said but somebody said it's because everybody's been funny in their life

yeah so they all think everybody thinks yeah I can well not everybody most people are fucking normal respectable

yeah great people who are like I don't do stand-up. I'm funny, but this is funny. But sometimes people get high. And in the same way we do, you get high and confident because you make a lot of your friends laugh. Yeah.

But that's so different to being on stage. Well, not for us. We're great. Are they in the corner? They are, absolutely. What's your next one? Muggles love themed restaurants. Like a Hard Rock Cafe or a Bubba Gump.

I am 100% in the corner for this. Really? Man, when we went... No. Mate. Like a fucking... Oh, worse. Bennigans or whatever the fuck they're called.

Years ago, I took my family to Disney. No, worse than Hard Rock Cafe. We went to a medieval dinner Where you sit around Like in Liar Liar Yeah No that's awesome No no but there's a Where you watch the jousting

Yeah the jousting And the sword fighting No that doesn't count That's history It's a historical restaurant They were jousting on fucking horses There was sword fighting They sold you fucking drinks

And tankards And goblins What's that thing called What Medieval Medieval dinner Medieval times Medieval times yeah sword fighting they sold you these fucking drinks and tankards and goblins what's that thing called what medieval medieval dinner medieval times medieval times

yeah it was one of those oh it was it was the fucking did I say liar liar or the cable I think I said you said liar liar no it's the fucking

cable guy yeah yeah not liar liar liar I was confused I was like I've seen the movie a lot I don't remember but maybe I'm wrong

yeah yeah that was that was fucking brilliant I'm also like see what I got. It's like, I hate Hard Rock Cafe just because that is, it's Mugga Mecca. Muggle Mecca. It is.

Like, it's just everyone in there is like, this is the way we treat ourselves. Treat yourself better. TGI Fridays. Yeah. Literally stands for, thank God it's Friday. And then it's open the whole week. Which is the muggliest. Yeah, it totally is muggliest they named a

place after it and people come up they might as well name the restaurant Friday's or whatever and

there's a drink special get a bucket of something for it's like naming a coffee shop grr Monday's

there'd be one there's got a Garfield logo there I need this first or something oh yeah

TJ Friday's yeah they are Yeah. It's got a Garfield logo on the outside. I need this first or something. Oh, yeah. Yeah. TJ Fridays, yeah, that is... Yeah, they are... I'm in the corner because I'll absolutely go. They look the same everywhere in the world. Frankie and Benny's. What's that? Oh, it's a British one.

It's an Italian sort of one. Rainforest Cafe. Oh, when I was a kid, I loved the Rainforest Cafe. No, I had no idea. I like how they take you there and they still serve you meat. They're like, aren't all these animals beautiful? Yeah. Which ones that aren't beautiful do you want us to kill?

That toucan. Skewer toucan, please, in the Rainforest Cafe. I had no idea that the Rainforest Cafe was a thing until I went to Vegas. In the MGM Grand, there's a massive Rainforest Cafe. I didn't go in the MGM Grand there's a massive rainforest cafe I didn't go in there

because I'm not a muggle I probably did and I probably loved it all the named cocktails oh no are you one of those oh I love it really

yeah oh but that's it's at all for me it's I fully fully admit it's muggly of course it's muggle

I 100% agree with you but it's one of those muggle things. I like, not dive bar, but just a pub. Just a nice bar. It doesn't take long to get a drink. Look, my wife fucking loves that shit.

Anywhere where a cocktail, it's like, this is going to take 20 minutes. She's like, wow. Make it faster! Don't start it it I'm thirsty stop dancing and make

like if there's a dance with the drink yeah oh the one that fucks me up constantly and this is a game that Kai and Brett Vincent

there's a few muggles we're getting in it's like a inception style here there's a muggle within a muggle within a muggle no we're we're going

deep yeah we're going we're going far down there everything because once you find out one thing muggles do it naturally veers off into those things but i with the theme restaurants we were in bubblegum's me kyle brett vincent uh in vegas and their game at every restaurant was to go up to the waitresses and tell them it was my birthday. It was not my birthday. It was July. Yeah. And just everywhere they come over. And I hate, for someone who enjoys

being on stage, I fucking hate the attention being on me in public. Yeah. That's why they did it. So they get the full staff together. And I can't say it's not my birthday.

Yeah. Because then everyone's an asshole. Yeah. But I did also get free ice cream. Right. So win, lose. I guess. I think the thing

with the restaurants is it's absolute muggle maker every time I've been in there even though I'm like I enjoy this ironically I'm still doing it though but also the food is just shit but you eat you eat some oh I've got the worst parlor ever so that's why I probably really like it you said something this morning that had me howling you go I've got to get some juice or something from the supermarket. And Jean said, why is that? And you go, I can't just wake up hungover and have water. You just said it like water's not excellent.

Oh, water's awful. Like, hey, this obsession. Look, you can't be obsessed with water unless you're in a third world country. Right? If you're obsessed with water in Africa, absolutely fucking fair. But, and this is a fully privileged position, if you can afford with water in Africa, absolutely fucking fair. And this is a fully privileged position. If you can afford things other than water, why are you not drinking that constantly, you fucking muggle?

It's water. It's the lowest form of liquid. I love water. Oh, it's so refreshing. No, it's not. It tastes like nothing. You're just putting... I never understood it.

You're like, oh, it's so refreshing. How? It's like drinking air yeah like there's nothing to it I can't every time I'm drinking I can't do

I can't chug it I'm like it would be like eating steak that just had nothing you're like what am I getting out of this? well no

that's the thing if it's a good steak you can have nothing on it no no no but it still tastes like steak there's steak if the steak didn't taste like fucking anything

oh okay yeah it's called tofu yeah tofu yeah that's what water is to me yeah it's just like here's a flavourless thing

to fill you up oh fun yeah like I just love you can't handle water oh I can I'll drink it I'm not

I'm not a nerd but I'm not gonna like I'm not gonna celebrate it see oh I'm not gonna nerd. But I'm not going to... You're not going to celebrate it. See, I've got a friend who loves water. Like, drinks full of Lear balls and just goes... It's not a margarita. Shut up with your ah.

Oh, hey. Speaking of margarita-related drinks. Yes. At the Smoke yesterday. You had a little spell, didn't you? They serve the Crusher recommended beverage of 2017. I'm getting on board. I think every year I should pick

just one alcoholic beverage, one non-alcoholic beverage. The non-alcoholic beverage for 2017 is from a place called Fried and Tasty in Melbourne. It's called Water. Look into it. It's a salted caramel slash Milo

thick shake which is fucking incredible but my alcoholic beverage of choice 2017 crushes pick pick of the year

beer garitas now a beer garita is a large margarita with a corona upside down just to specify

margarita the drink not the pizza yeah otherwise completely ruined the pizza that's called oi cunt you just spilled your beer on my pizza not as friendly or tasty yeah this this thing is delicious it's just a margarita with an upside down fucking beer well you don't really you do you drink margaritas do you like margaritas any

cocktail any i just don't like beer yeah you don't like beer Do you drink margaritas? Do you like margaritas? I like margaritas. Any cocktail. I just don't like beer. Yeah, you don't like beer. I hate beer. My wife doesn't like margaritas or beer. But I think a beer-garita gets everybody across the board. It just ends up tasting like lemon cordial. Yeah, which is, yeah, it's one of those things. I like the cocktails because I love getting shit-faced.

It's one of my favorite things to do. And see if I can do it in a way where it's like with cocktails and it just tastes like juice the whole time. Yeah. Oh, amazing. I remember when I used to be a proper fucking stoner. Like my favorite drink was always like diluting juice, but like really strong. Because I could down that. And that's just water mixed with things.

I can chug that in under two seconds. But if you were to just give me a pint of water, even when high, I'm like. Yeah. You're just making my mouth mouth wet you're not satisfied like it must be so confusing for your tongue when you drink water because normally everything that lands on your tongue has this flavor and your taste buds come alive and they're like oh and you fucking throw water over and it's like what are you doing it's like inviting seven muggles to a two-man party like it's just like oh there was such a good fucking chat here we're playing fifa now there's seven muggles watching us playing fifa and doing that thing that muggles do when other people playing fifa like oh god this is a game for everyone fucking jump off every balcony you ever see

until you can't anymore anybody that watches people do things and then complains about them not joining in when there's an option to join in just walk away yeah it's like sex yeah if you walk into the room just join in don't be such a fucking muggle about it yeah like when luch has her friends over i walk in the front door and go hmm this isn't for me and then fucking walk out and go a lot of chicks chat yeah what about me yeah ufc talk yeah you either join in and you adapt or whatever and what was the original muggle point here was my point was themed restaurants oh yeah no I'll absolutely give you themed restaurant and I think again this is another a very gentle muggle corner to all the this is going to hit a lot of people this one and I'm on their side because I'm absolutely in the

corner for this and I will be in the corner for this again it will like if sometimes if I sometimes on my birthday I love to go into whatever the fucking Mexican restaurant in Scotland's called it's like a chain one they do enchiladas and margaritas I love it great my family every year it's beside a mini golf course but Mexican restaurants in Australia have blown up because the Aussie dollar was so strong against the US dollar for years heaps of people going over and then that's why like burger places and Mexican restaurants and everything have huge amounts

of them now. There just used to be one called Taco Bill. Not Taco Bell. Taco Bill. You know that famous Mexican name, William? You know, my buddy, William Sanchez, the drug dealer. Old Billy Coke now as we call him.

New Escobar. Billy Escobar. Taco Bill. There's still some Taco Bills. There's one in Melbourne on Russell Street. Let's go. Melbourne Coffee Festival. Let's go to Taco Bill.

Big Muggle night. Yeah, we'll have a Muggle party. There's one where you get to wear the hats. You wear the big Mexican freros. Oh, see, I'm absolutely sold on that. That's any restaurant that has, oh, yeah, no, I'm a muggle,

I admit it. I love those things. But see, Taco Bell is still running because of, like, hipster irony. They're probably doing better business than ever

because people are like, well, don't go to the good Mexican restaurants. Let's go to the shit one. Hey, look, they've got those little fake mustaches on sticks.

Now I can't use the one that's tattooed on the inside of my finger you fucking muggle. Yeah, absolutely themed restaurants in the corner and I'm in the corner

for, and I will be at least seven other times this year because that's where me and my parents like to hang out. If people joust,

I'm going. Now this one's kind of specific for you and me. Oh no. But, muggles lose their shit when they find out You don't like eggs Whatever your diet is I know I give vegans a hard time in my stand up

But normally if you're my vegan friend I'll just stick you a little bit of shit I'm a very picky eater If you're a picky eater I won't judge But in this god damn fucking country Australia I don't like eggs If you don't picky eater, I won't judge. But in this goddamn fucking country, Australia, I don't like eggs. I've always hated eggs. If you don't like eggs,

you can't get food out before lunchtime. No, you can't. Can I just have toast? How would you like your eggs done? No, just toast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Post or scrambled.

Just take the egg, right? Yeah, yeah, I got that part. And just fuck it off somewhere else. Just don't. Throw it at someone. Throw it at someone who's eating eggs.

Clearly they love it. I've just never liked eggs. That's my thing. But see when you go to people who like eggs. I don't like eggs. They're like, how can you not like it?

Because it's chicken miscarriage. It's a chicken period. It's an unfertilized egg. You don't like egg in anything, do you? Like, mayonnaise, cake. Cake and biscuits and stuff.

I'll eat egg. But actual egg scrambled egg or poached I can all fuck off I wish I liked them I wish I did because they're perfect I'm genuinely jealous

of Kai because when he goes to the gym he'll just hard boil eggs and that's his snack you can have scrambled eggs in the morning he does it with salmon

as a picky eater I'm very jealous of people that aren't picky eaters because I was like god I wish I had that variety it's my problem when I get upset I wish I loved eggs I just don't they taste like

farts and then a couple of hours later they smell like farts yeah like it's just the textures like yeah it's like an old person chewed it and then spat it into my mouth like a disgusting old crow feeding its children I've never it's like there's that bit where people dip the fucking sausage, they dip their fucking soldiers into the uncooked bit. Like, imagine when you got steak, you just got a bit of pita and just soaked up the blood. Like, that's what dipping

soldiers in egg is. I'm like, it's a period. You're eating a period of another animal. And yeah, I just don't understand how people like it. But obviously, we're in the wrong. Obviously, I'm 100% wrong. And this is not muggles eat eggs.

Muggles do not eat eggs. But muggles... Muggles can't understand. I've had so many conversations about eggs that I didn't want to have. The conversation would be, you don't like eggs. No, why not? I've just never got into them enough. Me, Grant.

It's a 20-minute discussion where they go through everything that involves eggs. But it must be like us with people that are, like, vegan or gluten intolerant. It's like nothing. Can't eat bread. Can't eat bacon. Oh, yeah. Yeah, probably we are the same. Fuck.

Oh, God. We're becoming self-aware. But it's our podcast, so that's not in the corner. Egg lovers are in the corner suck it cats don't like it get your own podcast yeah you've got egg on your face oh that's exactly what we had planned um perfect show the corner your final one muggles love cruise ships oh bye mom and dad no they don't go on cruise ships they're scientists yeah they do they were i think it was just their first one last year i can totally see the appeal

of course cruise in the sense that hey do you want to go visit some places without actually visiting them yeah and all the booze is free for a week i'm like yes yeah that's my ideal whole inclusive all i don't have to pay for anything i can just get shit faced yeah like when it's hot and there's a cinema and a fucking activities that i'm not gonna do my mom is the type of muggle that will do all the she does all the action my mom is a 4 p.m bingo game always i love my mom with every like you've met my mom yeah she's she's she's She's Scottish version of my mum. Yeah.

My mum is... She's not a muggle, but she embraces all her muggle tendencies. Any muggle, she goes 100%, which I've got so much respect for. When we went to Disney for two and a half weeks, my mum had the most Nazi schedule I've ever seen in my entire life.

A breakdown of... Oh, the full day. Oh, that's the worst. 6 a.m., wake up, breakfast, shower, on the full day. 6am. Wake up. Breakfast. Shower. On the bus by 6.30. Park opens at 7. We get easy pass here. This is the rides we sign into first and get a fast pass so we can come on it

exactly this time. And you know what? You know what? Phenomenal. Oh, it was amazing. Amazed by the list? Amazed by the results. Oh, fully, yeah. That's my wedding. I'm like, Loo loach just we got to get froths or something um everyone's got an invite she's like holy shit have you read the list i'm like no she had so many lists so many fucking lists and the day went off yeah shinless all the jews they're allowed to come to the wedding.

Yeah, she had so many lists, and the day went off without a hitch, purely due to her loving lists. Yeah. I love organization. That's what I do get. So my mom comes out with that list. I loved it.

But she had the exact same thing on the cruise ship. But the best part about my parents going on that cruise is they took my brothers along, because my brothers are still at the age where they're invited on holidays. I should point out, I'm invited on the holidays I'm just always busy with work and what not but my brother Matthew

is now 16 years old and he's getting to that stage where he's too cool for everything and everything's lame and everything sucks and Jack who's 13

is Jack just loves everything he's like a smart version of Kai yeah like he's just very happy so Jack doesn't give Jack's just fucking put Matthew So Jack doesn't give...

Jack's just fucking happy. But Matthew's there in, like, his full emo clothes, and they're making him take pictures beside a guy in a Shrek. Because my mum made them go to the Shrek breakfast, the Shrek-fest, where all the characters are dressed as Shrek. She went to a themed restaurant on a cruise ship. For breakfast.

And had eggs. Triple muggle. Muggle bingo. Yeah. Leslie, Leslie. Move into the corner. Get all your possessions. for breakfast and had eggs triple muggle muggle bingo yeah let's look let's look move into the corner get all your possessions set up a new life

make the whole house a corner let's be honest and there's just so many photos and my mum's loving it like that's

my mum has this joy for those things and the theme restaurants that's why I enjoy the theme restaurants because the cynical part of my brain goes this is so muggly and then i turn around and there's my mom

with a fucking mexican hat on the fake mustache over lips drinking a margarita i'm like oh this fuck yeah fuck it it's stupid and it's fun the shrek for she would have been singing all the songs my dad hates the songs but knows it no he's my brother so he's joining in because there's nothing more embarrassing than a 50 year old man singing smash mouth somebody once told me after his second margarita for breakfast but yeah a 50 year old man singing smash mouth is the lead singer of smashman uh but cruises are absolutely and i think my mom would be the first to admit, but yeah, totally, I've never done one, and I absolutely will.

you know what though, your parents have also travelled, Everywhere. Extensively, seen a lot of the world, it's people that get on a cruise and go, why do I need to explore, the cruise takes you everywhere.

Yeah, yeah. You're a muggle. Yeah, you've not seen enough, yeah, I totally agree. My final one is,

muggles get mad when Starbucks spell their name wrong. Oh, yeah. Now I'm like, oh. Like, if you've got a stupid fucking name, like, I'm sorry. There are, like, as someone who has to sign autographs a lot, patting self on back.

Yeah. Like, Kai always makes fun of me because whenever after shows, I'm like, what's your name? And they tell me, I'm like, how do you spell it? Even if it's a name? And they tell me I'm like, how do you spell it? Even if it's a name like Sam. I'm like, how do you spell it? People go, can you not spell Sam? I'm like, no, but some people have muggle fucking

parents and spell it with a five and seven S's. There might be umlauts over the M for no reason because both parents were fucking neds. Like, there's 9,000 ways to spell Catherine. There's only one correct way, but who gives a shit some parents

oh I'm going to mix things up Starbucks you're getting coffee Elliot Elliot's got two T's who gives a shit muggle I get annoyed because I get Mick

as in Michael so they'll say what's your name and I say Nick they go okay Mick and I'm like no as in Nicholas I do get annoyed no but as in

Saint Nicholas yeah Saint Nicholas yeah he brings all the froths on Christmas Eve well by that he falls down

your chimney and pisses everywhere my dad the patron saint of jet skis Saint Nicholas if you think my voice

is quite deep my dad I get it from my dad. I've got the same voice as my dad, but my dad's a lot shyer than I am. Not with around people he loves and knows. Again, that's not very hard. As you said, your brother's a smart version of Kai,

which could also be a Labrador. Yeah. I mean, look, once the Labrador's licked peanut butter off my balls once it's like hold on i've not fallen for this twice kai right now if i were to just put peanut butter on my balls like you know like when someone walks over your grave you get shivers down your spine he just gets half an erection yeah you've just got to get him on cheat day otherwise no he'll be like no peanut butter is good protein this is good this is actually good for me. My dad, his name's Martin Sloss.

With Sloss, people spell the second name Sloss wrong all the time. It doesn't fuck me off. It doesn't annoy me. It's an unusual name. Best one my dad's ever gotten. And then over the phone, ordering a phone, three weeks later, we got a bill for Marilyn Gloss, which is, I think, his drag name. Like, either they got it 100% wrong or my dad is drag on the side

and just that was one moment he was like oh it must have been a typo also Meryl Meryl and Gloss sounds like no Marilyn Marilyn Marilyn Gloss but Meryl and Gloss sounds like it would be an expensive like bedding company oh 2000 thread count i just think like it's such a if people get your name wrong and things that like matt if it's like printed press like that could be annoying because you're like oh people are gonna read that and think like people got my name wrong in lineups and stuff i'm like oh people are gonna think that's my name they're're going to... But it's Starbucks. You know what you fucking ordered.

Stephen. Oh, it's spelled with a P-H. Who gives a shit? Drink your muggle water and fuck off. Carl Chandler. Very funny comic from Melbourne. He's got a podcast, Dumb Dumb Club. It's fucking excellent.

I'm on Saturday's show, the live one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brizzy. He's got a great joke about being at a coffee plate. He orders food and they say, what's your name? And he says, Carl. And they say, is that with a C or a K? It's like, it doesn't matter, does it?

The order's not going to finish. It's Carl, Carl. Carl is like, oh, was that with a C or a K? I've completely minced his joke. Much like he does often. We do actually get to mince his jokes. He's got his stand-up show every year. Features another comedian on stage each night roasting him.

Yeah, he's called the world's greatest, best comedian in the world. And he does his show every day, but he's just this comedian, heckle all his jokes. Great show, dude. Definitely go see him. Right. Let's get, let's confirm all these ones. So my three were Muggles Heckle, go heckle in the corner, you useless fuck. If you like eggs, that's grand.

Good for you. But if I don't like eggs and that blows your mind, fucking off you go to the corner, you Easter loving fuck. And Muggles get mad when Starbucks spell their name wrong. Who gives a shit? Who gives a shit, Clarissa? It's a stupid name. I don't care how many S's are in it.

And I've got Muggles Use Flybys Cards. Tesco Express, yeah, yeah, yeah. Muggles Love Cruises and Muggles Love Themed Restaurants. Absolutely. And now on to our favourite and always favourite game, Muggle Corner. And just a very quick shout-out. No, you're dead. Oh, yeah, sorry, yeah, your dad jokes.

Just a very quick shout-out to Bandasam, who did the podcast. Kai obviously had him on as a guest. I thought his, your dad jokes, it was one of the ones that absolutely fucking floored me while I was driving. I had to pull over. So I'm just giving mad props to him. I'll go first. Your dad isn't allowed to work at the creche anymore

because of all the happy slapping incidents. Your dad collects and trades netball cards. Your dad's milkshake brought zero boys to the yard and he's devastated. Damn right, it's flatter than yours. Your dad has a tattoo of the lyrics from Gangnam Style. Your dad wore Heelys to his coward punching court hearing. They're going to let me off if I'm sexy.

Your dad only goes commando to kids' birthday parties. Your dad shits naked while standing up and tries to catch the poo between his knees. I'm going to skip to my toilet one then. Your dad shits set off smoke detectors. toilet one then. Your dad shits set off smoke detectors. Your dad has a

favourite child and it's not one he's related to. Your dad showers with sparkling water. Your dad evited your wife to the

party in his pants and gave her a plus one. Your dad still has his baby teeth. Your dad hides his porn stash in his treehouse because he knows your mum will never find it because he made a sign that said, no girls. Your dad's favourite planet is Pluto.

I'm trying to think if I did a Pluto related one at an altitude. Maybe. Your dad says they're called avocados, not avocadones while shoving them up his arse. Your dad says they're called avocados, not avocadones, while shoving them up his arse. You know, I was going to do, your mum ordered a salad at Nando's and your dad said, that's a Nandones. But I did do it. Your dad has an ant farm. Your dad named you after his father and that's the reason why he only ever calls you who?

Your dad left your mum to start his own breakdancing crew. Your dad thinks flash mob should be an Olympic sport. This is my last one. Your dad has been using a telescope to try and find the Michelin stars. Very good. Right, we will try and get this put. This is Thursday, the fucking 16th of March. We'll try and get this uploaded today. The internet and the fire is shit, but i'll try and do it at the powerhouse

later on if you want to come see me and nick cody in uh brisbane we are on until sunday until sunday every night the times differ uh for me i think you're 9 30 every night but mine changes because jeff green's also doing show but any night this week you can see in the same room same room same room at the brisbane powerhouse the busy theater come in see my show go for some food upstairs in the restaurant have another drink and then go see cody's show after that i'm off to uh hobart canberra lanceston lanceston so hobart and lanceston are both tasmania right and then i know that yeah and then melbourne comedy festival we're both doing it just all my details are on danielsloss.com here's all right yeah so i've got brisbane this week then canberra next week and then for the canberra comedy festival then melbourne perth and sydney comedy festivals nickcody.com.au and i'm coming back to edinburgh

apart from that uh thank you again uh to kai for covering the thing i think he's gonna be taking a bit of time off because he's on holiday i think soon i don't know i'll talk to him later uh by the way what do you think do you think our that fifa thing i suggested today was a for covering the thing. I think he's going to be taking a bit of time off because he's on holiday I think soon. I don't know. I'll talk to him later. By the way, do you think that FIFA thing I suggested today was a bit muggly? So yesterday we ate a giant Easter egg

while playing FIFA and today we thought, come on, we should change it, make it like fitness FIFA. Yeah. So if you get a goal scored against you,

you've got to do 20 push-ups. If you get yellow carded, 20 squats. Yeah, 20 squats. 20 body squats. Yeah, 20 squats. Body squats. Yeah, and then like a red car is like 30 burpees. I mean, it's absolutely muggly as shit,

but let's 100% do it and see how it goes. Thanks for listening, cunts. Love you, bye. See ya.