Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Dance Deniers

Episode Date: April 6, 2022

Back in the room together Muggins and Cream talk about the joint inability to dance or get the same out of music that they see in others. Muggins is feeling the crash from being spat out the other end of a festival while Cream locks into the repetition of a routine for the first time since his own childhood.

Hello, podcast listeners. Thank you for joining once again. To our Patreon listeners, thank you very much for all of your money. Enjoy this content earlier than all of those other type bastards. This one's really just a catch-up one. Well, I mean, we didn't really talk about Altitude because I wasn't there, and there was a podcast from there. And if you weren't there, we don't want to give you too much FOMO.

So we just obviously complained about some politics, then, and then about our dogs and children respectively. So, I mean, you know what this fucking podcast is now. We're all changed. living the dream and that's our intro fucking muggles tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack oh muggles accidental rip job in the park kiss kiss kiss

or am I just being cynical just muggled it up on fucking mugglepedia where have you been since 9-11 I don't mind saying this to a new parent but I am fucking

not going to be in it I mean I don't even saying this to a new parent but I am fucking knackered mate I mean I don't even think you can compete I guarantee I've had less sleep in the last week than you have even though you've been to a festival but it's not that right it's the fact that you're doing extreme sports through the day on a snowboard

because you know if you go on like if everyone remembers back to the first like lads holder lasses holder group holder stag hen party whatever the muggle of it's fucking exhausting and it will fresh us flew at the end of it but you lounge around the pool all day during the day i've been hitting it hard i've been up like 4 30 in the morning with glenn every single fucking morning all right well then got up a nice mountain getting the fresh alp air

it does get rid of hangover which is why you can keep doing this right right but this is how this is how bad I am right now I felt like I had COVID and I'd done a COVID test

and I was fucking astonished to find it negative because I've got all the symptoms of COVID but I can boil them all down to different things like my muscle soreness is just from falling over on the ice aye

right my sore throat and my hacking coughs just from chain smoking. Aye. Like, me, like... Do they still endorse smoking then? Me...

Nah. Nah. What's the point of being European then? I don't know. What the fuck is that? They've still got smoking areas. Like, they've still got... You know how the downstairs arena club's got that kind of glass boxed off area

where you can go for a smoke? Aye. And it's got smoking area... Oh, is it still there? It's got smoking area embossed into the glass but they're like they smoke in there which is kind of

kind of be bothered to change all the signage oh you're not allowed to smoke in there mad they've turned it into real fannies

because I always remember whenever we were it wasn't in Europe oh it was it was Eastern Europe whenever you could smoke in a restaurant it was just like

oh god like I mean don't get me wrong I am glad this is gone like you couldn't like it was Eastern Europe whenever you could smoke in a restaurant it was just like oh god don't get me wrong I am glad this is gone you couldn't whoever made the decision of no smoking on airplanes was 100% correct I wouldn't fucking fly anywhere and I like smoking I think it's class but if there were flights 7 hours

to fucking New York and they were like it's a smoking flight I'm like I'll just not go aye the doctors used to say having to drive a cigarette and they were like it's a smoking flat I'm like I'll just not go aye the doctors used to say having to drive a cigarette while they were giving you that oh we're going to give you this we're going to give you some strepsils we're going to prescribe you some menthols people always say this they always say

doctors used to recommend this and doctors used to recommend this do we mean doctors or do we mean American doctors like were there British doctors on the free healthcare just to recommend this. Do we mean doctors or do we mean American doctors? Like, were there British doctors on the free healthcare system where they don't want any work going?

You should smoke these cigarettes. There's fuck all with them. Or was it just in the same way that circumcision is popular in America is because

they profit off of it? It's money driven. Aye. I don't know because when I was suggesting Well, did the American doctors know

that it did cancer and was like great the more the fucking merrier like I'll buy stocks in funeral services

and flowers and tissues in the local area aye the death cycle it's just you you've got a stock in your head

now I wasn't I was on about the fact that smoking was new like in the 50s So the doctor Would be smoking In his office

While he was Checking what's wrong with you Because they didn't know That that would cause cancer yet To them it was just like Having a cup of tea In their office Well I think

Smoking definitely did live It exists before then But people just didn't Live long enough To die of lung cancer So it's like People smoked And like how did Steve die? He was 35 and he was shot with an arrow.

So he died of lung cancer. Huh? At what age? 53? Nobody's ever made it to 53. What are you talking about? I've still got in my head the stuff that we've done now that's about to kill us.

And we're going to look back on it the way, I mean, you know how buildings had asbestos. And now that we know asbestos spores can murder you right we'll fucking we'll sort that shit out and get it cut out but at the time we're just people were living freely amongst it now i think it's protein shakes there's nobody over the age of 60 that started protein shakes when they were 20 that hasn't happened yet right But that'll be our generation. Vaping. Vaping.

100% vaping. Fucking Wi-Fi could be. No, don't turn into Bill Barr. Don't have it. I'm just saying it hasn't been around long enough for it to know the long-term consequences. Yes, it has. Yes, it definitely... It's been around...

How long has Wi-Fi been around? 15 years? I'm not being a conspiracy theorist. I'm just saying there's some stuff like smoking. Wi-Fi itself has probably only been around, you know,

20 years. But the concept of... Radio. Radio going through the air. We do know... It wasn't a new thing. We just worked out how to do it

with what we already had. It's like the guy, I feel like I'm stepping on someone's bed here. This has got to be someone's bed. Like, x-rays are safe, but the doctors in the room are, like, fucking hiding a bunker. I want to scan you.

Is that someone's bed? Yes. Isn't it? But that's also where Bill Barr's about. He's like, that x-ray machine at the airport is just giving you cancer. And you're like, aye, aye, yeah, but so is your phone, mate. And so is air.

Like, if you live long enough, right, something is going to fucking kill you. Like, it's just... I still thoroughly believe there's got to be a tap-out age. And it's an optional tap-out age, right? But at, like, fucking 80, what you can do is you can just, like, press a button and all of your money and all of

your things, if you press the button, none of it goes to the government, right? It's all straight to your family. No tax, no nothing. If you press the button at 80, everything, 100% of it goes to your family, right? But we do get to decide how you go. So you're tapping out the society. Yeah. You're like a society eject button. Yeah, yeah. And it's just good. I've done my bit. I want no other part of it. Like, and I want to make sure my fat like i've lived my life i've held i've held my grandchild and and i went to my grandchild's graduation i'm fucking done it's time to bow out and i don't want the government getting my fucking money and i can't be other getting like old and decrepit and look and also my partner's dead so I'm not going to really move on.

I've not seen a new crotch since 1956 and I just don't reckon the first new one I want to see. You'll get hologram porn by then man. You wouldn't have that resentment. I think, no, but if you've just been going on acoustic... If you've been

going off acoustic pussy for a while you're not going to go into it. You know, you can't. That's the proper deep end. I've gone into digital pussy. Yeah, yeah. If you've just been married for 60 years, she dies or he dies, whoever you're with,

and you're like, right, I can't get regular missionary sex with the person I was with for 60 years. I'll just delve into it and report, shall I? That's the thing. Oh, my God, it's all changed. Oh, my God. We were all changed. Oh my God. We were doing it wrong for several years. I'd only just figured out how to set the VHS to record.

So how have you been then, Will, without being throwing ourselves down mountains and getting wasted and cracking jokes? Good. Just boring, middle-aged. Well, not middle-aged. It's a bit repetitive. cracking jokes good just boring middle aged well not middle aged it's a bit repetitive yeah but I like

I forget how much I absolutely fucking adore routine because what happens is when we tour I don't get any routine so I just distance myself so much from it

that when I come back like when we come back from tour I remember like in the old tours I used to come back and I'd need, like, a week to recover and then I'd be able to go back into my old routine. But that was before everything fucking kicked off.

And what happened in the past four years was tour, tour, tour, tour, tour, tour, tour, tour, tour, tour, tour. And I think, like, for the past six months or since we finished in December, my body and my mind has just been in complete and utter, like, shut down don't do anything like base level

and then like Caelan came along and I was like alright I'll get out and do some of this stuff whereas now looking at a schedule where I'm not away

for more than four days four months this hasn't happened to me since I was probably about 18 yeah

even before then so like looking at that schedule or like if you could count the fringe but that doesn't really count because even though

you're home you're still fucking well but yeah but this year I'm going to be a fucking going to do a boring English

comic fringe we're becoming everything we hate well no no no not only did I let my girlfriend pick my dog but I done a

preview in the winter You're doing a work in progress show At the Fringe We'll be in London comics At least I lived in London for five years I've got standards with it Marlena was like what flyers do you want to do

And I was like no flyers You don't get to advertise A fucking work in progress What outside of your social media and stuff i like it no no who done your artwork on this one it's just it's just gonna be a blank it's just gonna be a white bit of paper with black text saying daniel sloss is a coward and here's his because um we've all got sponsored links everyone from our agent from marlene has right and um it's just the picture without the artwork that we're going to use for our poster, right?

It's just a picture from the poster with a couple of quotes, a couple of blurbs. He has a video link, he has a ticket link. And I noticed that I've put one on, because I didn't know I was putting one on, but Marlene has on top of things, right? And she's got me Facebook logins. Gareth put one on.

Connor Burns put one on. And you put one on for your work in progress, but you know how you get your middle finger up? Marlene, I must have realised that's going to fuck with the algorithm and just put like a star over it with just some little text that's like work in progress at two o'clock but it's like white on red on white and it just looks it literally looks like fucking six-year-olds don't know no it's gone back to marlena has the worst taste in the world when it comes to photos of me. Like, I genuinely wonder, like, whether... Like, you know how some people have this...

People who don't understand philosophy or science or anything like that will try and come up with deep questions, being like... It's like stoner philosophy. Like, oh, man, what I think strawberries taste like might, for you,

taste like bananas. Your sky might be my green. And none of that is true never has been there's just so much that's fucking bullshit Marlena's the only one

that makes me question going do we actually see things differently because there's no way you can look at that photo of me

and go it's not the photo actually the photo is I'll leave it it's the word art that's used to put the graphic's the it's the word art that's used to grip put the graphic on it it's where it's literally word art and I was like oh who goes up we have fucking

graphic designer bro everyone got a monster I don't know I don't know if she just did the self or what because she fought the middle I've got got no idea it's so funny though because like it looks like we post them but I think a lot of people that like people that count the podcast listeners know that we're too lazy to do that

oh I don't do the only social media I do now is my Instagram and it's not even from my phone my Instagram is on Cara's phone and I'll go give me

your phone for five minutes and I'll post something on it and then I don't want to look anywhere else so you can't get on social give me your phone for five minutes and I'll post something on it and then I don't want to look anywhere else. So you can't get on social media on your phone now? Nah. That's good news because I'm back into doom scrolling now because I've been fucked the last couple of days. I've been literally fucking dying

trying to recover from this festival and all me brain can process is scrolling Facebook and it's fucking I swear to make this dumb. I've been listening to lectures on the french revolution while i cook three meals a day oh nice yeah i tried um reading up on the french revolution before uh i went to see les mis for the first time and then realized i didn't need to know any of it all right because it's it's basically because why would you listen to any of them it's just

a stupid sing song isn't it? Aye. One of the worst. Such an interesting time, and I can't believe they managed to make it so fucking dull. Like, listening to it. If you'd shown me Les Mis, and were like, that's the French Revolution, I would be like, cool. I never need to learn any of French history

ever in my fucking life. Like, couldn't give a shit. Whereas, actually, you're like, oh, that's mildly amusing and interesting what happened to her in the French Revolution did you get exiled

and then chinned and kids got murdered and that who let them eat cake girl oh Méliane Antoinette

aye well no she got beheaded along with Louis the 16th but like eventually like people seem to think that there was

like or at least the way I've heard history, was the Enlightenment happened, and they were just like, we're going to fucking chop the heads off of every religious cunt we find, every fucking person that thinks they're a king or a queen, let's behead all of them.

Whereas that's not what happened. The revolution happened, and they tried their hardest to keep the king in place. They were like, look, it's a system, it's worked for ages. He was just a big, useless cunt. artist to keep the king in place they were like look it's a system it's worked for ages he was just a big useless cunt and then and they'd like lost touch with like the actual people and different revolutionary causes came up and you've eaten that because it sounds pretty familiar to now well i was hoping i was hoping no no no like look i love insulting the french because

it's easy and they deserve it because as a people they're largely unpleasant but as a people they also have way more backbone than any single one person in this country. They stand apart they believe it. Yeah like if the government shit in France they will let the government know. Boris Johnson could wank into the mouth of 80% of this population and all they would ask him if he needed more pineapple. Like, there's just... Just all they would say... Do you want some sugar puffs? Every fucking load, and they were just going, but at least it's not Jeremy Corbyn.

It's not that Jew-hating... I know I also hate Jews, but the media told me Jeremy Corbyn hates Jews, so I guess that's bad. It's remarkable how everything's going wrong. Everyone's getting a pay cut

by everything going up and their pay not rising. Everyone's pay is staying the same, but fuel goes up. And when fuel goes up, everything goes up. The cost of fucking spinach goes up because you have to drive the spinach to the shop. So that goes up. And fuel goes up everything goes up the cost of fucking spinach goes up because you know what you have to drive the spinach to the shop

so that goes up and also it's grown with petrol I don't know if people actually knew that yeah that explains Popeye

literally huffing diesel getting fucking hedged so I say more overheads so you think it's just the

fuel that I put in my car and the gas and electric that it takes to heat and light my house it's not it's the fuel that I put in my car and the gas and electric that it takes to heat and light my house. It's the fuel that you put in the fucking Eddie Stubbard van and the overheads that it takes to light and heat your local Tesco.

So everything goes up, right? But your pay hasn't gone up. So you're just sat there getting a pay cut. And because it's not packaged as a pay cut, you're getting a fucking massive pay cut. And you're still somehow going, they're taking five p massive pay cut and you're still somehow getting they're taking five pence off

petrol and you're like what after they put 30 on do you not see a claim by 30 and then they took five pence off and they're trying

to spin it like I've heard a few people like try and spin it that the Tory government's doing well

and I'm like how can people be taking such a pay cut because that's not just a pay cut let's look at

what a pay cut means you have experience on this earth changes when hecking such a pay cut because that's not just a pay cut that's not what a pay cut means you have you have you have experience on this earth changes when your pay gun's down

all of a sudden you're cold down the window and you're pulling out the blankets all of a sudden you're not buying clothes as often as you did not going out as often

as you did not having less holidays not having takeaways like your quality of life gun's doing how can you sit there and your quality of life gun's down

you don't get any extra skins on Fortnite big one no no V-Bucks no you're not getting any V-Bucks

no you're not getting any extra dancers less pennies to put in that wee fucking 2P machine that pushes the yep

you know what they turned that into a game show fuck this country well who did you know oh yeah the penny drop

the tipping point that thing in shit like the worst parts of this country the arcade machines Well who did? You know Oh yeah the penny drop The tipping point That thing In shit Like the worst parts Of this country The arcade machines They were like We can just make that

A television show And the population Will love it And god they do Tipping point It's literally the Two penny game From fucking Spanish city

Aye And people just This is class Why did they not Put this on at 9pm Why are we Come on now Is that how easy it is To distract everybody From that massive pay cut That they've just got just, this is class. Why did they not put this on at 9pm? Why are we, come on now.

Is that how easy it is to distract everybody from that massive pay cut that they've just got? It's not a much different point. But the thing is, even though this massive pay cut is coming on from it, I still don't think there'll ever be a revolution like the French Revolution in this, just because. We just don't, we just don't care. And there's also, there was

an enlightenment before the French Revolution. It was this time of higher thinking. It was like moving beyond the church, moving beyond being like a one-person, one-religion state and expanding it, whereas there is absolutely no pride in being smart in this country at the moment. I'm going to leave you to tag on your own for one minute. Why? Because I need to put my teeth back in.

Oh, you're fucking dentures. Aye. Aye, that's... I mean, it's a different... So Kai's now using the mouthwash I have in this office studio. And the reason I have mouthwash in this studio is because it's where I masturbate.

No, it's because this is where I smoke. And I don't want the smell of my smoke to permeate the house or my child to know that smell whenever I do come back in occasionally. Because my brothers, I can't imagine how fucking weird it must have been for them when they were like 16, 17 years old, right?

And they were going to the first high school parties afterwards and they smelled weed for what they thought was the first time and they smelled that and they went why does that remind me of being babysat when i was eight or six years old i wonder if there's any just moment of consciousness where they came back in and were like oh that's what they were doing all of those years it's like your brother

smelling weed when they're growing up because whenever my mum and dad went out me and my friends we'd just get fucking baked and babysit my brothers

because you can do it stoned I'm still getting used to these things because it's like shrink wrapping your teeth like they're pretty snug they fit on they hurt the first few days while they're pulling your teeth

apart they're like they're not invisalign they're called c-fast smile which is the same thing just a different brand right so you want the little version and um i've got to remember to take them out and have a coffee one because you'll stew your teeth in coffee but two that's why you've always got to take them off before you get ass is that right because of stew stew and all that ass stew's ass also they might melt why there's a plastic

on there 3D printed plastic and I took them out when I was in the sauna because I was like I didn't know that's one of them things you know when there's just

something you haven't covered and you don't know until you're there but I was in the sauna in altitude and I was like imagine these just start like glooping out my mouth

aye have you noticed any difference so far they're getting easier to put in and out which tells me that they've done their job

because at first I needed to use this kind of like hook like you know the same hook that you would use to pick up a stitch

or do a crochet yes when you're knitting a hook a bit like that to get them off your teeth so you get one side then the other then the middle

and then pop them off because they're that tight but now I can just take them in and out with my fingers which tells me that they've moved my teeth incrementally

so that they fit exactly the way it is so I think I'm ready for my next tray now I'm booked in for Wednesday 16 trays so 16? aye but the surely the higher the number the more fucked up your mouth is aye booked in for Wednesday. 16 trays, so. 16? Aye.

Surely the higher the number, the more fucked up your mouth is. Aye. Like if you walk in, they're like, this is a fucking 72 job here. This is going to be, uh-uh, wild. Aye. But I thought it was going to be longer. 16 trays over 20 weeks. But I think it's going to be longer than 20 weeks for me

because at altitude, for instance, I was constantly drinking in the evening from the first gig, which was 8 o'clock. So at 8 o'clock, I took my teeth, them out, and sometimes I didn't get them back in until like 4.30 in the morning. But I was pretty on top of things, like fucking mashed up my head, flossing my teeth.

Well, man, that's one of the best things, I think, from one of the American tours we did but I can't remember I think it was one of the earlier ones and it was just it was one of the ones where we were

drinking literally every night and smoking weed so fucking constantly and I think it like for the first week of that tour I think I'd gone like four days

without brushing my teeth oh wow oh it was horrible well no no no sorry sorry at night at night yeah you still did in the morning yeah or I did it in the airport or I did it you kept fucking yourself in the evening yeah yeah, it was horrible. Well, no, no, no, sorry, sorry, at night. At night, yeah, okay, you still did it in the morning. Yeah,

or I did it in the airport, or I did it, you kept fucking yourself in the evening. Yeah, yeah, and you sleep with all this stuff in your mouth, and you wake up, and it's fucking fuzzy,

and you know it's awful, and then I was just like, you know what, just, if you do anything, ritually, for two weeks, your brain will just automatically do it from then on in.

Like, never forget, we're just fucking programmed. We can just get yourself into that habit. And ever since then, no matter how fucked I am, at four or five in the morning, I'll be sitting there, even flossing, and I'd say, I wish I'd learned that younger.

Just do things for two weeks, and I promise you you'll do it for the rest of your life. It has just become a lifestyle now, where I would be up on the mountain snowboarding and then you stop for a fucking beer and a strudel

and then I'm just sat outside on a park bench brushing my teeth and having a floss and having a swill and then popping them back in and then on the flight

they come along with a meal on the flight and then I'm just either like off to the bathroom I just spit their spit their toothpaste into like an empty bottle or something

but I'm just saying I'm just constantly brushing my teeth flossing them rinsing and then like every time i stop for food or drinks and um i've never felt fresher apart from every other aspect of my being my mouth feels fresh it doesn't look natural no how's my speech not great nah I was on stage noticeably different I fucked up Emmanuel Sanubi's name on the

last podcast oh so you're a bigot uh huh alright oh Gareth was funny because he'd done an impression

of every comedian on the bill on the last gig of the festival and he got like people to pull the names out of the hat

and as he pulled them out he'd done an impression of them and then got to Emmanuel Sanubi and he's like I'm not names out of the hat and as he pulled them out he did an impression of them and then he got to Emmanuel Snoopy and he's like, I'm not fucking mental and just right off the stage. I said to him beforehand, I was like,

man, I'm full Nigerian. And like, hello, I have one million pounds I need to send you. My impression of Emmanuel Snoopy would just be, I remember him telling me this story about, I think it's like cast iron skillets are the ones like you're not meant to wash oh yeah yeah like it's like you

cook meat on them you and if you season your meat well enough and you don't use oil the flavor stays in the pan and look hey i i love joy i love cooking but like i'm not at that level of serious yes but i'll not question it and he was telling me I think it was his missus had washed it and he was like man it's the

she could have sucked a dick and I would have forgiven her quicker I would have forgiven her quicker she washed it with fairy liquid

that's so funny I knew about this listening to Nick Cody's podcast a few years ago when he had a chef on and I'm sure he was saying something about a wok

you just like wipe it down. You seal it in or something with a bit of oil or some shit. Yeah. I don't know the ins and outs, but I can see how that would be heathenistic to somebody in the trade. I'm getting slowly more into cooking just because, so I don't know if you know how much calories breastfeeding burns. Burns?

Uh-huh. Kind of just by setting down breastfeeding, Caelan. Oh, because of also the producing of the milk. Yeah, body-producing milk is a calorie burner. Yeah, yeah. And is the milk hot when it comes out? It's 37 degrees, yeah, it's body temperature. Yeah, because everything in your house that produces heat,

like the kettle, the tumble dryer, the other ones that push you out. So I can see how that would push a calorie burner now so she burns up to 500 calories you know

during the day when she breastfeeds and she's already a bad eater so I was just like you know what fuck it at this point

I've just got to I've got to become a feeder that's my role she's feeding him and she has to be stationed during that so my role now

is just I have to cook everything. And I've learned the way to be really good at cooking is to just, and I mean this in the best possible way, lean into whatever autistic personality traits you have. Like, just like with, before, I'll cut everything up meticulously and have them in bowls of, instead of cooking, then add, then cooking, then add, then cooking, then add, then spice,

you go, there's all of the peppers, there's all of the onions, and they're all in these bowls. And then even when you've got, like, it's got one teaspoonful of cayenne pepper and you put it there on a little bowl, and then you've got, like, two of oregano and you've got it there in a bowl. You could save all the dishes

just by putting it straight into the dish. But I just like to have them there, ready to just whap in. Just go there. But I just like to have them there ready to just whack in. Just go there. Man, you can be meticulous about it. And I'm not that bad. I think that's a very white way to be with spices. I cook whatever Joe says, except when it comes to spices.

And in which case, I've just got a much more, you know, a less white approach to spices. Which is, you just throw them fucking in. You season everything as much as you like. And there's no such thing as, I mean, you can definitely over-salt things, but also in general, you can't really over-season most things

unless you're making something particularly delicate. I'll tell you what I hate when I say two tablespoons full of tomato puree. You can't measure that on a spoon. That's the one where I'm just like, fuck the spoon. I don't know why you ever brought a spoon into this. It's not some freaking spoon.

Right. Americans, like, really good like, people make fun of American cuisine and we're also people that make fun of American cuisine because it's you know, the portion sizes are consistently always too fucking wrong. But I like a lot of American food because it's, you know, the portion sizes are consistently always too fucking wrong. But I like a lot

of American food because it's just, it's, man, it's 19 cultures came together and started living in the same fucking place. Are they the home

of vagary as well where they'll go like half a cup and you're like, how big's the cup? Yeah, what cup? What fucking cup, Like a sports direct mug?

Or a tea cup? Ounces, pounds, you're like, I'm like holding my baby in one hand being like what's a fucking pound putting a couple

of pebbles onto a set of chain scales I just I feel like that's it might be worth invading America just to make them

commit to the imperial system some people some people are really against the the metric system as well are you against metric?

Which ones? Metric's the, like, if I said I was going for running kilometres. I do say miles per hour just because it's on the thing. We're a fucked country because we've got, like, we do things in so many different ways, right? Like, if you tell your weight, you're probably going to tell people what weight you want, stones. But if you're weighing stuff for cooking,

you're probably going to be eating grams, right? Or if you're cutting cocaine, you're probably going to tell people what weight you want in stones. But if you're weighing stuff for cooking, you're probably going to date in grams. Or if you're cutting cocaine, you're probably going to date in grams. If you're dating weed, you're probably going to date in ounces. If you're running, you're probably going to run in kilometres. Or if you're on the bicycle, kilometres. But if you're driving, you're probably going to go in miles. We've got such a fucked up spectrum of both with no real logic

to it where we're just chopping change between both systems. But there is an understanding of both. We real logic to it where we just chop and change between both systems. But there is an understanding of both. We have that with the understanding of the metric system which is just so self-explanatory. How many metres are in a kilometre? It's great.

How many grams are in a kilogram? A thousand. It's right there. How many centimetres in a yard? Fuck you. Do you know our decimal system? In fact, you do know this because I got it from the same book you recommended, the book Hail Mary,

how everything that we do in numbers in the metric system is divisible by 10. 10 is our base number, right? So 10, 100, because we're 10 digits. So if we had six fingers in total, like the zero, like what we see as the 10 would be the six. And our brain would shape that way completely.

Because that would be the easiest way for us to count. That would be our metric system. Which is why... Which is really hard to get your head around, I find. Well, yeah, because in our head, we're like 10's a nice round number, and you're like, it or is it just us

it just does literally just us did you finish that book nah I don't know why I stopped reading I think it was the

vaccine I got vaccinated I haven't read a fucking word oh speaking of vaccines Caelan gets we get to decide

what type of autistic person he becomes tomorrow oh yeah he's getting everything once vaccination yeah I don't know whether to make him

really good at math or what about photographic memory oh that'd be good unless I had to do bad stuff to him in which case

that'll come back to haunt me yeah like or do any crimes in front of him fraud or maybe

good for that what about being like a maze in a drawing You know Some people can like Some people can sketch Sketch a skyline from memory Oh the autistic savants Aye

Aye No I'd still want him to be You want the You want the correct amount Like autistic enough That like He's got really

Close to the bone banter That some people don't get But still enough that he's Or What about if it was like so dry that nobody knows if he's joking or not? Oh like Americans and sarcasm Oh man, why would you say that? I didn't mean it

I also think I've now realised most of the time whenever I complain about Americans I'm actually complaining about one specific generation of Americans. Like it's the... And also never the Americans that we reach. Well, no, of course I would never...

Well, no, that's not true. We reach the ones who've got a real grasp on British humour and love British comedy. And probably have watched more British comedy than us. That's definitely not true. No, because I found that when I meet people in Europe that are, like, into British comedy

that have watched way more of, like, Fawlty Towers and Red Dwarf and shit like that. Or in Europe, maybe, but not America. Aye. And, like, Monty Python

and stuff. Like, I feel like, for instance, R.E. Matteson, I reckon he's watched way more British comedy than I've watched because he's, like,

I feel like they've become, like, scholars in it. But it's like, you know, if you live in a city, you tend not to go to the museums. It's a, like, I feel like they've become like scholars in it. But it's like, you know, if you live in a city, you tend not to go to the museums. It's a bit like that. Like,

you never do the tourism stuff around your house. Aye. Whereas if someone comes to your house, they become a tourist. And I feel like it's, I feel like people that, from the outside looking in,

if they tend, because a lot of Americans don't look in, that's the problem. A lot of Americans don't look at England but I feel like the ones that do and the ones that study British comedy know more about it than me

Well I would agree on a European thing but I think from the I don't think I've met many Americans who do well mind you whenever they do go I like Monty Python, you go oh okay like for me it's like finding out Monty Python you go oh okay like

for me it's like finding out somebody's taking a really weird course it's like finding out

an American that comes up I actually really enjoy Monty Python it'd be like a big fucking hench six foot two

guy being like I study midwifery and you just go oh I mean that's fine it just took me a couple of seconds that wasn't the original

it was my social conditioning that's the problem not you sorry sorry you like British cop fair enough it's like when you find out

Emmanuel is like a classically trained pianist is he? I don't know if he's classically trained but he's fucking brilliant on the piano or is he

there's a there's a hack you can do he just plays jump sticks well there is apparently there is you know how there's, you know, there's like the four-chord song that so many, Axis of Awesome did the most notorious one,

but I've seen it done in many iterations. But you can recreate all pop music with the same four chords. The same four chords, yeah. Those four chords, if you learn to play them on the piano, apparently if you play them in any fucking order, you can sound like you're a legit pro on the piano with just an hour's worth of training. Bluff your way through it.

Yeah, no, I think you actually can. Aye. But what you said there, he's like, that was a guitar. Oh, so he's got an ear for music. With the guitar, like I mentioned on the last podcast when he was on, but he showed people how to bluff being good at the guitar. Aye, I can't. You could...

I tried... Did you ever get forced to do any musical instruments the guitar. Aye, I can't. You could... I tried... Did you ever get forced to do any musical instruments? Did you ever try anything? Nah. Nah? Nah. Just too poor to fucking area at no point? Was somebody coming around with an oboe being like,

let's teach these ex-minor kids? My ex-lass could play piano and she had a piano in the house. Aye? Aye. And I used to go in and go... Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I used to go in and go... That would be all I brought to the house. I could do... First bit of Titanic.

Celine Dijon. Salon Dijon. Big boat iceberg. What about the 6545 666 555 6

6 5 5 6 5 5 6 5

4 Whose phone number is that? It's a strip I give Matty Gives a ring That's how bad I am at music that I don't know the keys

I've assigned them numbers They've got like B sharp and C flat And all that shit I'm like scrap that I've got my own system That one's 1 that one's 10 Grow the fuck up guys We're using the metric system on the keyboard That's imperial wank

I feel like music I think that's one of those things where there is just a you can just have an inbuilt natural talent for music you know how there are just some people in the world that are just never going to fucking be funny they just they didn't have

the right upbringing they didn't grow up in the right area they didn't suffer enough or they didn't win enough or also they just it's not there it's not there they can watch comedy they can laugh

they can smile but if you were to ask them to come up with a joke or try and be amusing you just go I think that's true for so many

I can't draw but I definitely cannot do anything fucking music I've got no rhythm as well like me I'd fucking

even though I'm approaching 40 now I'd love to just secretly learn how to dance I wouldn't tell anybody I was

doing it what kind of dancing though like night club dancing I just want a night club dance lesson just shows

how to rave because I just throw my limbs around with complete disregard to the beat I could honestly put the earplugs in and I'd do the same dance to every song because I just throw my limbs around with complete disregard to the beat. Aye.

I could honestly put earplugs in and I'd do the same dance to every song. And it's really jarring for people who have rhythm. Aye. Whenever I'm at a nightclub with you, it's like you're constantly at a silent disco but a different channel. A different channel. And nothing else around.

Can you remember when Tom just fucking, and then Kai, why are you so unattractive when you're dancing? And I just stopped dancing and went, you've put us right off my boogie but I remember like Soraya

pulling us up on it and she like grabbed me hand and she was trying to like bounce me hand to the rhythm and now she's like

on your own and I'm like that's stuck and then the song changed and I was still doing the same thing I was like I've got it right

she was like you had it rock and clock yeah a couple of songs ago it's all it's all gone blind pig something finds the trouble Rachel's like, you had it. Oh, yeah. Rock and clock. Yeah, a couple of songs ago. It's all gone. Blind pig, something's in the trouble.

It's a shame as well. Would you rather be... I'd have the confidence of a good dancer if I had the rhythm. Aye. You know what I mean? I could really throw myself into it if I had the rhythm. Would you rather be a good dancer or would you rather be a good singer? Would you rather randomly be at a wedding, right, and just be able to

fucking just suddenly halfway through pop and lock have everyone oh my god guys are in all these movies or

would you rather be like a really subtly good singer and then just one time when all the boys are singing we tune in the car you just come out

fucking when I was young one hog aye I love that your idea of being the cool guy at the weddings, popping and logging. Aye, the coolest guy at my wedding will be that guy.

That's just as small as my wedding though. All the way through the Keighley. Popping and logging all the way through the Gay Gordons. Aye. That was just a fun sentence. Aye, I think dancing. And I don't even get dancing I I don't even get dancing I don't even understand

how dancing's a thing it's so big it's huge it's one of the first things most children except me learn right is rhythm

right it's like it's such a big way of people across all cultures there's it's important to everyone important to everybody

like people they eat for the crops right they do it for the crops right they do it for fertility people use it as philosophical depth like that's like no one's watching

like it's like it's like a confidence thing people do it to let loose it's the way they get to be yourself to express yourself aye I can't imagine

but what but how let's boil it down what is it you're just like throwing your limbs around aye I don't

I can if you express yourself through dancing good for you we're not friends because we communicate on different wavelengths

like if I'm going to ask you how you're feeling and you're just I'm sorry I only deal in banter. I like words, mate. I like insults. I also like compliments. But if you express yourself through physical movement,

God, fuck off. But honestly, I'd love to have what you have. Aye, but I just don't want to hang it with you or anyone. Could you do that like no one's watching? Because no one is. I just think the funny concept of like, watch me, watch me dance. What is it? What like? But we've got that with watch me, watch me laugh. Like there is some form of it in our head, but Like, there is some form of it in our head,

but I've just never... I've also... I just... It can't be an intrinsic thing. Like, some people, when they hear music, man, they just... Their legs start going... They're just so in tune with the music. It's got to be an intrinsic...

You've got music in your heart sort of thing. You can play it to me and I'll be like, that's a nice tune. I've got no affiliation to that song. Do you not feel a bit robbed? No. Do you not feel like you're not having taste buds?

Like you see everybody enjoying these foods and you can't taste the food. Aye, but I can see. And you're there trying to justify it. Well, it's just sustenance anyway. Aye, but I can see people

enjoying food and going, oh God, like I wish I enjoyed food that much or i wish i enjoyed it to that level and i researched it good i've never once in my life watched somebody dancing and god god i wish that were me god i wish i had that freedom i get freedom in other places yeah that's true but you know there's people that look at you and me enjoying sports and you know how we get

that physical reaction from sports wherever goal know how we get that visceral reaction from sports wherever goal goes in we're like jump off the seat and throw ourselves up and it's a reaction I can't get from anywhere else like I don't know

there's not many places apart from like fucking like when Elliot stacks it on the snowboard or something where I'm like yes

no there's not many like places in life where I can throw that there is people that look at us and go one I don't get that it's something missing in me I don't know where it is right and look at us and go one I don't get that it's something missing in me

I don't know where it is right and there's two that go I wouldn't even want that they're just going to look at it and go it's not for me that and we're doing that to people now if I could tap out of if I could tap out of loving sports I might but I go through too much fucking

heartbreak man and I'm only going to go as a Scotland fan I'm only going to go through if I could turn that off and like not feel like shit for the full two weeks after scotland failed to qualify like even even though the success is so fucking good the other thing is so much more common if i could turn that off i might be tempted to yeah what what would you replace it with though because you're just kind of love of cooking love it would be like if i could if i could replace it for love of flavors yeah i wouldn't replace it with love of dancing i wouldn't replace it with love of music

i'm fine i'm fine not getting music like it doesn't really listening to a song and having that song make me cry because the lyrics written by a stranger a thousand miles away really related to my life. I can miss out that. We've really been robbed by not having my heart broken. We've really lost a lot of songs. Have you ever been so sad that you've... No, I haven't

I'm just crying because all the songs are about heartbreak and I've never had my heart broken it's like will somebody do shit on us

so I can enjoy these songs like everybody else I feel so left out will Natalie just cheat on us with one of my friends so I can enjoy Adele

I can get you get songs that make you feel certain things like I'll listen to like whenever we listen to singles by Future Island that always reminds me of getting spiked with acids.

It always reminds me of Barry, because that was like, so I get the idea of a song coming in and reminding you of something, and maybe taking you back to a time when your emotions were so heightened that it, you know, it's a trigger. It takes you back into that.

Because I remember like, you know, when Brain Damage I was getting bullied a little bit at school like not to fucking complain too hard about it but at the time I was going through

a little bit of a rough patch in Brain Damage from the Slim Shady LP and like that was one aim where a song like was just because it's about kicking his bully to fuck

that's what the song's about and you know when like fucking a song just fucking courses through your bones I haven't had that with many songs where I'm like

oh that properly speaks to me I don't think I've ever had a song where I'm like I've had songs that I like oh I understand

what that song's about and now that you've explained it to me like oh you know the fact that everyone knows you know where

Pumped Up Kicks is actually about a school shooting yes you fucking nerd I didn't know that did you not what's the words all you other kids with your pumped up kids better run better run faster than my bullets

oh that wasn't a metaphor no that was just I'm going to shoot you cunt get on your bike it's you know American pop music so I can there's definitely I'm going to shoot you a conker on your bike. Yeah, yeah. It's, you know, American pop music. So I can, there's definitely,

but then again, comedy speaks to me in that way. Aye. And also, again, we've definitely touched this on before, comedy songs do. Like with some of Bo Burnham's stuff, I'll go, oh, right, the lyrics of that, you've actually made me think about something and put something into words there I like white girl white girl instagram really described me

I was like he knows me I represented in every picture I was like oh my god I feel like he's been going through my instagram oh straight white man oh my god what a fucking now I'm you know when i'm just like oh there's no way i'd have an instagram for my dog and then i'm just like but i'll have my instagram and make it all about my dog oh can i just um indulge myself in coming coming home to peggy after a week away she obviously went mad for us the same way she did when I come back off the American tour ride, but she couldn't take her eyes off us for about three hours.

Aye. It was fucking lovely. She was just like, she would just come and snuggle up and put, like, her head there and just stare us out. And she kept, like, pawing at me face, like as if she didn't know I was real. She was just, like, patting me face, going, like, are you back?

Aye. It was fucking phenomenal. I was thinking how shit I'm feeling. And this is after a day's recovery as well, but considering how shit I felt, like after everything, I've put myself through, put my body through over the last week,

to come out of that is fucking stunning. And that's something I didn't know. You know, when we're talking about, we don't know what, that's something I didn't know existed. Aye. That was an option. Aye, and then now you've got it, you're like, oh, how something I didn't know existed. Aye. That was an option.

Aye, and then now you've got it. You're like, oh, how did I ever exist before this? Aye. I get that. I know that people are looking at us now going, sad cunt. A sad cunt who'd even want that. A dog just looking at them.

I asked Cara two days ago, because we're now both definitely at the stage where we definitely love this kid. And I would die for my son, but Cara would kill me for our son. Like it's, I can't remember whose bit this is. I think it might be Jim Jefferies actually, but it's so, which can't remember whose bit this is I think I think it might be Jim Jefferies actually

but it's so which is the I love him but she fucking loves him like it's just a different

I asked her the other day I was like who we were just laughing about like we definitely went two weeks where we were like he's cute

he's nice but like I don't you don't feel the things that you're meant to feel immediately and we were sort of laughing about it. You're starting to think that every other parent that's waxed lyrically on Facebook is just a bit of a fake after the socials.

No, no, but we... Fake it till I make it about how much I love my kid. But I'm not saying that's what they were doing, but that's what you were suspecting of them. Yeah, yeah, but also we were just like, man, let's be very honest about this. Man, we didn't love our kids straight away. If you don't love your kids straight away, it's entirely fucking normal. Nothing wrong with that. How could you? You've just met the cunt. Who else do you love the first time you met them? Not even your kids straight away. It's entirely fucking normal. Nothing wrong with that. How could you? You've just met the cunt. Who else do you love the first time you met them?

Not even your partner, probably. I said, who do you love more, me or, and before I'd finished the question, it was Caelan. She was like, it's a different type of love.

And I'm like, yeah, a stronger one. You want to go to jail? You're going to jail? I hope you don't want to suck his cock it's just I

something just I mean it's flipped in both of our heads but I think the level of love she feels for him

I'll feel that in six months time two years time three years time but by then she'll love him tenfold

that was that was funny that I saw in real time what you've already spoken about a few times and that's when because I had seen him in a couple of weeks

because I've been away I come in I was like oh he's so much bigger and she took it as like a like a ripped open an old wound

it was like a scar that had barely healed had just been ripped open she old wound. It was like a scar that had barely healed had just been ripped open. She is. I want him back. She'll show me pictures of a three-week-old. He's seven weeks old. And he's still tiny.

He's still tiny. He's still smaller than a lot of newborns. Oh, he's such a small baby. And she'll be like, he's just, he's grown up. Where's this baby? I'm like, there, he's such a small baby. And she'll be like, he's just, he's grown up. Where's this baby? I'm like, there, there. It's the same.

You could hold them side by side. This would be the photo if we lost him that we'd use on the side of milk because that's how much that baby looks

like this fucking baby. A passport photo would get him into another country. Yeah, easily. Oh, also like the passport things, because obviously, because he's a bastard because we had him That passport photo Would get him Into another country Yeah easily Oh also Like the passport things

Because obviously Because he's a bastard Because we had him Out of wedlock Because I'm a shag Oh yeah Absurd heathen Going straight to hell

When we go to Germany Which it's fine Because me and him Are going to Get into Germany In the same passport I've got Sloss on mine He's got Sloss

In his passport She's going to look Like a kidnapper And they do They are really Really fucking Straight with it Like you his passport she's gonna look like a kidnapper and and they do they are really really fucking straight with it like you've got to go in with like a she's got to have the birth certificate she's got to have like a note from me being like this is the mother of the child i didn't realize that how much stress you're putting yourself under if you just go we're going to be modern and keep all the second names you're like one is just gonna have trouble

traveling yeah yeah you might as well just want to bite the bullet and change it just for the convenience of how how much does how important is that dying on that hill to you if it's that important fair enough just enjoy much less stress-free travel happened to me when my my aunt and uncle who we went to visit my aunt and uncle in america uh i was there with my aunt, Kim, and her second name's McComb. And obviously my second name's Sloss, and that's because she's my dad's sister and she married someone else. And they took us aside in Portugal.

Portugal as well. Aye. That's all the places you're going to go. Desert a baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that was pre-Maddie. So that was... Would have been. Aye. Back in the day. But that was, I don't know, that was pre-Maddie. So that was... Would have been.

Aye, back in the day. But it was the Algarve. Aye. I mean, of course it was. We were white in Portugal. You're going... Of course, we're off to the Algarve. British people going on holiday in Portugal.

Aye, of course we were. So, aye, so yous had trouble getting through. So, erm... No, no, we don't... Well, yeah, back then... When we go to Germany, are yous not all travelling together, though? Are Hugh and Cale not together? She's, we're coming out together, but he's not all travelling together though a few and Caelan

aren't together we're coming out together but she's not staying out for the full two weeks ah someone's sawing out too so yeah she's going to go home

with Caelan without you and she's going to have to deal with all that shit she's going to steal my child aye and play across international borders with him

that is actually how she's going to get treated but she's white so I mean it's you know Natalie would have been fucked oh god yeah yeah especially with my kid they were like

this is yours she kept her mother's name and she's just like this is my son fucking Zach Humphries and I am Al Abdel Latif

hold on there's no way this is this doesn't scan we're going to have to Cut this one short Because our fat cat Has a tick And neither of us want to remove it

So we're taking her into the vet And this has meant that all day Cara has not touched Or gone near Ray Because ticks carry life disease And they can do. So can spread? Could do, could do. How did you discover the tick then?

Cara thought it was a tuft on the back of her neck and saw it, googled it. Cara will google everything and still work it out. Not like the hairdresser in Belfast who thought it was found in nipple. I did ask but it's on the back of her neck so if it is her nipple we've got bigger problems if it is her nipple on the back of her head something's gone terribly wrong

she was in some sort of fight which I think she lost but somehow survived and now her nipple's on the back of her head

so Cara's going to go and take her in and you and me are going to babysit sorry I'm in for that right

we'll see you on Thursday Patreon listeners and for those of you that aren't Patreon is going to go and take her in and you and me are going to babysit. Sorry, I haven't for that. Right, we'll see you on Thursday, Patreon listeners. And for those of you that aren't Patreon listeners, we'll see you next week. Next Wednesday. Every Wednesday. Alright.