Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Death by a Million Puns

Episode Date: October 11, 2023

Staying on topic by way of pun Daniel and Kai keep returning to Sycamore Gap to grieve a dead tree. In a desperate attempt to provide some visual spender within their fresh new studio Kai takes a retinal injury from smelling salts. The boys bleed money by paying for their sins, introducing the ‘Come on Now” jar to fine them for (but not stop them from) crossing the line. #1   Subscribe via Patreon to receive early access, an additional episode every week, entry to the new discord server and a host of other perks, not to mention the encouragement and validation it gives us with every new member.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Jesus.

What have you been up to? Just been up there for a bit. Don't mention it, don't mention it. Then people will notice. I've been up there. Go on. Crying about my tree. Yes, please explain to me and the world what is going on in the North East.

Well, I found out about a tree the day it died. I didn't know about Sycamore Gap, and I feel like I've been under a rock. Uh-huh. Because everybody, there was an outpour on our forecast. I was dead. There was an outpour on social media. Like, fucking my area. So a tree? My area. I feel like I need dead there was an outpouring on social media like fucking my so a tree

my area I feel like I need to be very sensitive about this by the way oh really didn't we have to be sensitive about your journey mates in the last episode

for something oh fucking absolute snowflakes a lot of them nah yeah I didn't of course I don't have to be sensitive but it did mean a lot

to a lot of people to be fair didn't you all have a fucking big old sob When somebody took your milk away What are you children Fucking Thatcher simplifies it right Fucking Tory Daniel Who would have thought

It's the ones you most expect Fucking just get your own milk Milk your mums Milk your mum I was seven No not your mum As in a direct Derogatory remark to you

Your mums As in Because they're all Working class gals Give me a fiver To everybody that's just Tuning in now To the New Look podcast

We'll have a we'll have a come on now jar where every time, mostly Daniel but occasionally me, is problematic. Are you going to tell them what we accrued in the last episode? Episode one of the new one. We don't have all the cash.

We ran out of money recording the first episode. Daniel, millionaire? Daniel Sloss? Yes, but let's not be on records. Ran out of money recording the first episode Daniel Millionaire? Daniel Sloss? Yes but let's not be on records Ran out of money Because of putting Fines in the being problematic jar We only had 20 quid on us

Because I don't deal with cash anymore No Just because that's from my Tip jar for the For eats and what not Because even though you can tip on the app I fucking just because it's from my tip jar for the breeds and whatnot. Because even though you can tip on the app, I fucking, and I can't not tip. I can't not tip.

You have to tip. Yeah. If Daniel Sloss, if said list celebrity, Daniel Sloss doesn't tip, then everyone knows. Even if I have a bad ride in an Uber, I'll still tip, even though it's the easiest thing to not tip with the app I'll give them less

so sorry that tangent was anytime we say something problematic misogynistic homophobic transphobic racist do we have to are we counting your people as people you're being such a Tory today.

You are? But then I can't be mean about the scouse. Come on. I'm not paying fines about the fucking Ben Deppers, am I? Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. We kind of... We kind of give this much to charity. There's the journey, isn't it?

Now, we're going to give the money that we accrue from being problematic to charity instead of dealing with the problem at the root cause. Yeah. So don't get me wrong. It's not... It's not fixing the problem, but it's doing more than nothing.

And, and I've learned that's more than enough. If anything, we're highlighting the problem. Yeah. No, no. Yeah. But with money, which I don't think is a bad thing. And money doesn't grow on trees and back to talking about trees. Nice.

We lost. iconic part of Northumberland. I think it's Northumberland. It's on Hadrian's Wall. There's a sycamore tree that to a lot of people is a gravestone. They scatter ashes there. Friends of mine have scattered their friends' ashes. I'm glad that you're proud of that wall that you built to keep us out. We built. Aye. Jolly's their friends' ashes. I'm glad that you're proud of that wall that you built to keep us out. We built?

Aye. Jolly's didn't build it. We stopped them. We turned them back. So why did they build a wall beyond you? Fucking to stop getting at them. They built a wall before we. Did they? So for Newcastle, Hadrian's Wall. No, I heard after the Romans left, you just fucking all moved on the other side

because that's where all the gold was. What do you think Wall's End is? Do you know what? I'm going to be very honest with you. My knowledge, my history of it isn't... I'll give you a clue. It's called Wall's End. Actually, I am

absolutely just assuming that the wall ends at wall 10. It may be a different wall, who knows. So was Hadrian's Wall actually... I was thinking about the Picts and the Celts. I didn't even know the tree was there, man. You don't need to deep dive into the history with my knowledge. But I believed it was the Romans just drew a line as, this is how far we're marching.

Aye. No, no. I think it was like my understanding of it was they got up there and then there's just like, you know, Middle England and South England, there was plenty good for farmland. That's where London, the capital, was. It probably wasn't even the fucking capital. That's where people were. You could grow shit there.

And then up in Scotland because it was like fucking highlands and just boggy and shit they were like and it was just savages there was no civilisation men with skirts just fucking murdering people

with their bare hands and that and they're like oh we don't fight yeah I'm not getting into gender politics fucking Dominic Calvary was up there fucking making a statement People were grieving in the tree And there wasn't even a weeping willow Am I right?

Fuck That wasn't the setup by the way Diving day of Natalie Humphries on us How long have you been waiting to tell that joke? That was spawned in do a Natalie Humphries on us How long have you been waiting To tell that joke That was spawned in the moment Natalie Humphries Do you ever dead name your wife

Natalie Ling Feels weird I do I do it to Cara When she's in trouble I did Cara Mitchell Can't be a

Who did that I think if you were in trouble It would get you the most If you went Daniel Mitchell Sloss double barrelled you double barrelled and you would be worse than

uh huh you'd hate that no you would hate a double barrelled if she wanted you to double barrelled would you have of course if she said the only way I'll marry is if we can double barrelled of course of course without question if that was a way I'll marry you is if we can double barrel. Of course, of course, without question. If that was a genuine thing she wanted, right?

And it was really, of course, in a heartbeat, for the love of my life, easy decision. Isn't this the same way I'd let her peggers? That's what she wanted, she's my wife. Just want to make her happy. Would I lose sleep over it regularly absolutely

would I be too scared to talk to certain friends absolutely yeah would you lose a little bit of respect of your friends would I if

yeah no no a lot wrong but if that's if that's if that's what

my love wants then of course if it was a genuine thing for her then yeah yeah but thankfully she's a real woman

this is gonna suck like you know what it genuinely might actually make me stop because I think it might I think it might like I've learned

a couple of quick lessons here you fucking baited me into that How do you mean? You gaslighted us How do you know? We can get a fucking VAR replay of this up I guarantee

That the setting up of this is Right I think if you were in trouble It would get you the most If you went Daniel Mitchell sloss And double barrelled you you bait me with that

because you knew it was a strong opinion because we spoke about it the other day because you're a fucking rat because that's what you are and that's what you do wow

you show your true colours now you can lead a misogynist to water you can't make it slap a bitch you went there no no no 100% to water you can't make it slap a bitch you you went there no

no no 100% you bait me look I'm happy I look forward to watching this in the replay black replay black

replay back yeah we're gonna get Karl Porter in today you gonna prop a slow-mo bait you aye

aye god he's been on everything now he's been on everything now He's fucking out You know how there's popping With a clip Aye And there's fucking

Popping with a clip Like I've never seen anything Going that viral For those of you that do not know What this is I mean you do know You do know If you don't know

You feel you know a rock The slow motion head The slow motion goal celebration Stand up clip Aye By Carl Fuller And it's sensational Oh it's unbelievably good

Like he's touring off the back of that clip I know but is he not like quite in the infancy of his career so he's having to do

like and friends because the two of us aren't really here but fucking man imagine getting that opportunity at the start of your career

to do to do like fucking like theatres with like your other fucking mates who are at the same fucking stage

in their career I don't know what that's like huh you're fucking tripping no we've been gone two years when we did our first tour no but oh no maybe two years for you i've been going for three how long's carl potter been going he's surely been not sure but it's a different time now yeah it is like back when we started the stand waiting list was only fucking three or four months long

now it's like a year and a half it has changed a lot you know I noticed at the Fringe a lot of the posters I didn't recognise anyone I was like I'm a bit out of touch

I haven't been to many like club gigs or open mics or whatever I don't know any of these and the more I chatted to people the more I realised that nobody did and it's because

they didn't come up through the clubs. That wasn't the right of passage to create a fringe show. It was developing your own audience online. Hi, TikTok and the algorithm. Fucking fair play to them. Hi. Yeah, I mean, they're moving.

I don't respect them as comics. Moving with the times. They might get there, though. If they get to a specific route, getting your audience first. And also, at no point do I think any of them Give a fuck about my respect Maybe they

I think they probably would No really? I think so Don't tell me that that makes them harder to judge I think if Somebody who got famous From TikTok and had the insecurity of like Fucking I'm in this new world fast With an audience If they had the insecurity of like fucking i'm in this new world fast with an audience

if they had the respect of somebody that's uh stalwart even though you're quite young i think i think that word for me matthew just i know how how much this compliment means to me i don't want me to define it yeah go on yeah you first um i would say someone that's experienced in a field to a point of like... Stalwart. Stalwart, S-T-A-L. W-R-T. Yeah. Stalwart means loyal, reliable and hardworking.

Okay, maybe I'm slightly wrong, but it still stands. Fair enough. I'll take that as a compliment. You can throw it in there Definitely says reliable It says reliable in there Does it? What's the word for

All the other things Except reliable? Am I not a reliable person? I don't know What have I Depends on I imagine for something serious Yeah yeah

Like Danny's any chance You can pick us up From the airport I could book you a taxi I could give you the money You tight cunt Absolutely

That would be you Wouldn't it That was Your fucking In-laws In-laws come round and fucking

got a taxi at the airport and I was like he's right there he's got a car couldn't get them a lift just give them money fuck off

I think I think I think I find it funny because I really come from like a culture of lifts like like people give each other

lifts all the time oh I could man our poor fucking father had to drive me around everywhere that poor man and you must have just

come and had a lift going mug mug who'd do that I drove my friends around between you know

the fucking ages of 17 17 and a half I was driving I mean I was getting driven to some fucking gigs but you drive we stand up all the time

it's my defence of my shocking behaviour I will no that's not true I will pick friends up from the airport and I'll pick you know

yeah I'd pick a car up from the airport Gene and Eric I'll pick up from the airport any friends international friends Nick Cody I made him a sign

so yeah I was with you for that one yeah yeah so if it's like ceremoniously pick them up yeah not just a run of the mill lift you can get a taxi for that

mate I would always pick I would always put my they live in Australia just a run of the mill lift you can get a taxi for that mate I would always pick I would always pick they live in Australia just a Bieber he's talking about the pop star Justin Bieber yeah yeah yeah

pick him up from the airport yeah pick him up hold up his name in case he doesn't recognise him when he walks through look he's going to be if I'm picking up Justin Bieber

my good friend Justin Bieber from the airport there's going to be lots of other people there mobbed to see him so I've got to hold up a sign because I'm definitely the only Bieber with my good friend Justin Bieber from the airport, there's going to be lots of other people there mobbed to see him, so I've got to hold up a sign, because I'm definitely the only person with a Bieber sign there. You had the same hair as him for a little while.

You tracked hair. Not intentionally. You tracked hair. Not intentionally. No, no, no, no, no. You tracked haircuts with Justin Bieber. Your haircut moved with Bieber's hair. And if it was unintentional

i mean it was it was pretty bob on no you know if it was a bob for a little while it was at a time when we were like clear it was the trends at the time right you know it's yeah everyone you know it wasn't emo it was like the i mean it was like The emo look But it wasn't like The black And the like Covering the eyes To be sad I don't think My I only grew my hair

Originally Because my Mum And this is petulance To the third degree My mum was like You're old enough You've got a job now

You're old enough To pay for your own Fucking haircuts And I was like I'll fucking show this bitch Fucking made me You just grew your hair Just grew my hair fucking haircuts. I was like, I'll fucking show this bitch. Fucking made me do it. You just grew your hair. Just grew my hair until after a year,

she was like, for the love, she gave me 20 quid, for the love of God, go and cut that. You're making me so sad. That was the first time, so you still didn't even pay for your own haircut after that? No. So when you got,

so she went, for the love of God, go and get your haircut. The very same day that Justin Bieber cut his hair. It was just so unfortunate that you just tracked hair cuts with Bieber no I think

because it was it was long until no I think it was it was then like she made me cut it but then a friend of mine

a female friend of mine was like I'll take you to get it cut because you clearly have no idea you have no idea how to style yourself,

which I think is still true. And did you apologise to your mum for doing that? Yeah, absolutely. Oh, good, because I was going to say it's not too late to say sorry. Your wife doesn't even have to leave a note. The look on my face is pride, by the way. The fucking no

Toaster in the bath Oh god Why did she kill herself Alright from this moment onwards I'll turn over a new leaf Speaking of the tree and sick of all I gotta say I'm a fan I don't care how bad the jokes are

if they keep us on track I'm all for it baby you keep it up buddy I saw somebody in the comments of the news story like saying it's more than just a tree it's a piece of culture like fucking it's 200 years old blah blah blah

obviously it's the internet somebody argues with that person straight away going I think you'll find it's 300 years old, blah, blah, blah. And then, obviously, it's the internet. Somebody argues with that person straight away going, I think you'll find it's 300 years old. And the whole thread was them arguing whether that was 200 or 300 years old. And I was like, for the first time in history, we're going to actually find out how old the tree is by counting the fucking rings. If there's one good thing that's come of it,

we're going to put an age on it. There was a horrible story I heard well not a horrible story I think there's some really funny dark irony to it some guy who absolutely

fucking loved trees for some like National Geographic shit was part of his his research into trees

and how old they get stuff cut down a tree only to find out that it was absolutely the oldest tree on earth by some margin. Oh my, no.

Oh my God. It just went and fucking... Oh man. Devastating. Like I think it was so devastating until like I think 50 years later

somebody else found another way. Like we've got more up-to-date ways now of like counting fucking trees. And somebody thankfully found an older tree and I think he died happy. But there were 50 years

where the man who tried to save the budgies punched the last budgie to death. Oh, man. I feel like it's a fucking ruthless shock and act of vandalism. To give the context, for any American and European listeners who do not give a shit about this,

there's a tree beside Hadrian's Wall. If you haven't seen the film Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, there's an iconic scene where Kevin Costner's... Oh, so maybe it has made international news then. It got Tree of the Year 2016. So it's past its best.

By seven years. It peaked its best. By seven years. It peaked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It peaked at the age 193 or 293, depending on how old you think the tree is. So somebody, like, actually... Oh, so 193, 293. Not old for a tree.

I don't know how old sycamore trees get. Fucking, I don't think. Put a guess on it. Trees don't have it. Trees die of natural causes, man. I don't think they die of natural causes. Sometimes they get the diseases up. Do they die of old age?

Sometimes they get trumentia. I'm going to fucking. You've got me on an emotional rollercoaster. You're bringing me back to conversation which I really like and then the worst jokes in the entire

fucking world like you have turned 40 you're gonna have to kill us to find out I'd love to if that's fucking

considered I don't I don't I'm gonna ask you some deadly serious serious right okay If that's fucking Considerate Hang on Hang on I'm gonna ask you Some deadly serious Serious right Okay Groundhog day

Day three Almost Almost The second The second time I confirm it's Groundhog day You're getting done it.

Every day. Not every day. In different ways. No. Other days you and me are going around and killing other people we hate. But at the end of the day, you've got to go.

Maybe that's what happens with murderers. What? They're in Groundhog Day for a bit. They're just going to have a bit. They're like, oh Day for a bit they're murderers all of a sudden they're not they're like oh for fuck off fuck's sake man

the day I kill my maid day three to be fair it is yeah it is weird that I would go for you on day three

not because I wanted you to die but just because I think you want to see the look in my eyes no I just think I could get away with your murder the most. Just because I don't think people would expect me to kill you,

like, actually. Aye. So, like, you know, if I was to kill one of my enemies, right, one of the many people I fucking hate and we both know I fucking hate, like, if they were to turn up dead, you'd be like, oh, Don Sloss, that was always definitely you. If you die while we're on tour of something

right I don't think many people are looking at me straight away what are you telling people it is if you've made it

what's your I'd have to kill you I'd have to kill you with like a the way I would kill you

I would have to put fentanyl in a drug that I knew you'd do or I'd just spike you you're going to

make us smoke fentanyl yeah what if you can't you'd do. Or I'd just spike you. You're going to make us smoke fentanyl? Yeah. I wonder if you can smoke it. Just try. You can't smoke it. Then you get fentanyl at least. What is it?

It's rat poison, is it? I don't know if it's rat poison. Don't kill me. Do I look like a rat? Do you want me to answer that with a straight face? Diplomatically, please. Yes. Spoken like a diplomat oh sorry

oh wait it's not I don't know if it is rat poison but it's there is a weed laced fentanyl out there because they just want to get you

addicted to fentanyl because it's like super fucking addictive because it's real, real good. But it also can just fucking kill you on a whim. That'd probably be the way. Who's putting fentanyl in drugs? Are they trying to kill people? Is it like a malicious murderer?

I'm really glad. There is a podcast by one of my favourite journalists called PJ Vogt called Search Engine where he's just literally done two episodes on why are drug dealers Put in final Wait a minute No wait

Does he get to the root Of the problem Yeah Speak the roots There's a tree In Sycamore Get up This is the podcast now

He gets He gets to the root of the problem Does he find out He does Does he name names Yes Yeah yeah He gets to the bottom And it's very interesting

And I would recommend that podcast Anyway I think PJ votes very good In what he does Do you know the phone So the tree They cut it Some fucking

Someone has cut down This 300-year-old tree in this iconic fucking background. It's very picturesque. Yeah. There's some really nice photos of this tree. But I don't think I have it in us to grieve a tree the way everybody's publicly outpouring about a tree. There's a tree that was in my granddad's back garden my granddad pete right and it had there i knew every branch on that tree i fucking claimed it every time i was run had a swing on it and that like that that tree

was like me playground yeah as a playground there was never any teenage years fingering behind it first plaza no none of that Just like pure memories It was me grandad Harry It was me grandad Pete No Aye Aye okay Like the roots of that tree

Started encroaching on me grandad's house And it was causing a bit of problem Like the pavement started like breaking up and stuff And it was going to reach the house God that must make you feel so fucking old When the tree Your the bottom had gone. How long has your granddad lived in that house? His whole life?

Yeah, aye. I think my auntie was born on the kitchen floor or something like that. Imagine that, just this tiny fucking tree. This is your first daughter's being born when you're 15, because it's that time in fucking Newcastle. And then 85 fucking years later,

just it's coming through the house. Oh God, I've got a leaf. Speaking of leaves. We weren't even off topic. They had to chop that tree down. It'd become a stump. Like that tree was family to me. I lost a tree that i loved but like not just loved as in like i visited it now and again i saw it all the time and i was sad

when like it had to go i didn't claim it anymore i was a bit older and i was like adult yes i didn't cry that hard when i lost a member of my family tree I didn't cry that hard when I lost a member of my family tree. Speaking of trees. Still on topic. Still on topic. Time for some content. So I'm just saying, like, I felt sad about a tree that was a lot closer to us than that tree is

to a lot of the people that I'm crying on. I think everyone's getting a wee bit emotional but also chronic act of vandalism actually absolute dick move absolute pure dick move by the way whoever did it and i'd love to know his motivation i would i'd clean cut now everyone's been saying that like there was one of the one of the funniest things about this is like they blamed one guy in the local area

just because he's an arborist and he was the best at cutting down trees and people start harassing him saying he was fucking death threats being like

fucking piece of shit and he's like he's like talking to the press being like it's not me I understand why people think it's me

because I'm the best tree cutter in the area but I'm not. I've got to tell you, though, that cut in the hood cut in a tree. This guy is almost gushing. He's like, this wasn't done by a 16-year-old. If a 16-year-old did this,

this 16-year-old's a prodigy, right? Let's not send him to prison. Let's put him in community service. Put him as my apprentice, and I'm going to become a fucking millionaire because whoever cut down this tree is as good as me and I've been doing this 65 years

again, was not me but if you know the guy who did this wow I need a mentor the best joke I've seen about it so far was someone going, they found the guy it was Tim Burr from Felling You have turned 40

Tim Burr Oh don't As if anyone needed Even our foreign listeners got it There were people in India Who first time were like Yep FYI Felling is a district of Newcastle

They don't care Oh okay Okay that's Fair enough Thanks man That wasn't your joke And we're like, yep. FYI, Felling is a district of Newcastle. They don't care. Oh, okay. That's okay. That's fair enough. Thanks, man. That wasn't your joke. No, no, no, no. But thanks for retracting that they don't care.

All right. Explain again what it is. It's just smell assaults, man. It's called Cerberus Extreme Hellfire or Cerberus Hellfire Extreme or Extreme Cerberus Hellfire. Just to reiterate. Extremely strong ammonia made in Britain. Ammonia is what you boil down piss and it becomes piss. What an awful bit of the podcast.

What a real awful 10 fucking seconds that was oh we're on episode two the fucking rebrand and that's what you're bringing to the fucking table are you kidding me yes i'm sorry that was disgraceful i'm sorry pass the jar that's the job no no once you can fart in it, you fucking little grot. You fucking piece of shit. You know what? I've always had this fantasy. I've always had this fantasy.

Always, since I was a boy. Getting a jar full of water. Oh, right. Turn it upside down at the bath. Taking the lid off the jar, obviously the water's not going to come through because science. And farting so the bubbles come up

and fill the bottom of the jar, which is now at the top. And then put the lid back on. And then every time I have a bath, which is actually very rare now. Yeah. But if I had a project like this, I'd be bathing twice a day. I'd be the freshest motherfucker I've ever seen.

Just eating beans in the bath. Right. And then just fill the jar from the bottom up with pure fart. Yeah. And then just leave it lying around your house. and then just leave it lying around your house. Just put a penny on the lid and put it on. Do that, right?

And put it on your mantelpiece. So that one day you're just like, ooh, penny. And then you go to the jar and take the lid off so you can reach in and get the penny. Wait, how are you getting the penny in? Put it on the lid of the jars. Oh, right. I see what you're saying. Okay, understood. And then you feel like, ooh, look, a wet penny.

But I'd try that if I tried the leg. Wet from the condensation. No, because if you're putting the lid on with the penny on, it's going to get a little bit of bathwater, isn't it? Because you're not going to let any air in. It's full of fart. You're not going to contaminate the fart with air. I can't believe. It's the new season.

What are you expecting to get new listeners in? I need listeners to know. We had long discussions about how with the new studio, we were going to be working on content. We were going to be working on our accents. We were going to be working on our fucking diction and going to be working on our accents. We were going to be working on our fucking diction and making sure that this is not necessarily no longer the podcast,

but just at certain points on average a bit more accessible and marketable. However, there's a lot of people that listen to this podcast. And I'm trying to sell smelling salts. And you're here talking about farting in jars. Because I think there's a lot of people out there that are listening to this going, you know what, I've had this thought, I haven't articulated it, I never said it out loud, I've been ashamed.

And now they're going to be brave enough to try it at home. I think you underestimate how many people have done this. I've farted in jars. I've not done the bath. You've never done the long play bath fart? No. And I also think there's more efficient ways. Like, that's not...

Nah. You can't do the shower. You're trying to fill a jar with farts in the shower, are you? No. You're a fucking idiot. Or you can't do the jacuzzi. You'll just fucking

all the bubbles get in. It's just gas. It's one of these. It's one of these. It's like the crystal maze. You want the gold tickets but not the silver tickets because they take down your total at the end unfortunately you've got too many of the silver bubbles none of this smells like farts so to reiterate you saw this on bobby Lee's podcast who saw it on

Joe Rogan's podcast and now we're doing it well and then it was just a thing on podcast it was just a thing that like fucking influencers would do YouTubers would fucking do

like this is it's like a different type of reaction video this is what people want they want to see you like it's just give me that thing that I know

doing different things that's what celebrity is And this is what We've got to give people So on the last episode On Patreon If you haven't subscribed already Do that now

I used a sour sweet Sort of you and Matthew But I went first Content Uh huh You've probably already seen It going viral Yeah that was us

Yeah Yeah Starstruck are you and Vowel Onion yeah that was us yeah yeah star struck so you're going first now yeah oh boy oh my fucking

god oh boy okay not much no a bit more oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Not much. No? A bit more? Oh! Oh! Oh, this is how it gets to start. That's a gateway drug to taste insults.

Do you smell the salt? Have you been assaulted? Is your face Because of the Assault tummy joke Oh boy Why is there a Child safety cap on this It does smell of piss

Get that much closer There you go Go on You're hovering like poppers do you no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no no no no fuck me you feel like someone's pushing behind Don't do it again. Is my eye all right?

Has my left eye all right? Fuck me, it felt like someone was pushing behind it. Oh, man. Fuck me, it felt like a phone went up my nose and tried to push me out. What the hell was that? Oh, boy. Heck. Heck.

Hold on. Your response to all of that was heck! What else am I gonna say? Are you children listening? Alright Matthew, get in here. Oh it sucks! Oh yeah, they give us that in I've had that in labs It's ammonia

You could take it Stand up I think Oh yeah It's like cold Yeah we're six feet away from it Do you want us to put it up the road I'll drive off in my car And put it up the fucking

On the street Yeah right mate Oh man Feel good Do you want me to get away from it? Do you want us to put it up the road? I'll drive off in my car and put it up the fucking street. Yeah, right, mate? Oh, man. Yeah, I'm good. I'm going to start crying. He's fucking hooked on it, this lad. Hurry, Matthew. Oh, no.

Why is that existing? What's that for? Do you said that? I think people do it before they do weightlifting or some shit Nah Shut up, man I think that's I don't think that's the purpose of it

But I think some people use it for that I do breathing exercises before lifting weights Yeah, I think that's a reasonable thing to do Yeah, I follow my breath and dial into my breath like with the weight on my

legs before I like lie back and push them up yeah that's good I'm pretty sure there's some

fucking science to that oxygen in the muscles makes them lighter so it's easier to push them up

but are some people like having a little fucking offer smelling salts absolutely seeing that like the

fucking they make you angry a little bit they a smelling salts absolutely seeing that like the fucking they make you angry a little bit they do make you a bit angry I mean that's a dick I don't usually use the H word

with such flagrant disregard what have you got in there drinking a little whiskey aye all kind of well here's the thing What have you got in there? Drinking a little whiskey Aye Okay, John Well, here's the thing My whiskey selection is actually quite down

Because it was down My man was ruined What? Your man was ruined She doesn't like whiskey Does she not? Oh, that's not true I think she would

But not as much as she likes Yeah, she's not like Yeah, it's not her She's not like a dad No, that's not true I think she would but not as much as she likes yeah she's not like yeah it's not her she's not like a dad no it's not her drink no so before the wedding

my whiskey collection was getting a little bit low and Carol was like well you're not buying any more whiskey because her wedding favours was every table was named

after a different whiskey by the way can I just ask because me eye bleeding this eye fucking ruptured you snored like poppers I didn't think you were meant to do that

I told you not to before I bought my air content fucking content holes anyway favours mmhmm I bought him a content Fucking content halls Anyway Favors So every table was named after a different whiskey So and everyone's favorite

Got that Every table got a whiskey A little miniature of that whiskey So I got to buy 10 Or maybe even 12 different bottles Of like good fucking whiskey and carol's like obviously and then do you decant them into the smaller bottles from a big bottle right you didn't buy little miniatures like you're on a flight no no because we had to stick our own like wedding labels on and it said daniel and car everything was on oh no that's not true i think the balls came done but yes we have to see you've

got like A bunch of opened whiskies From the wedding A bunch of left And did you do well In wedding gifts for whiskey Or did people just not Because Cara doesn't like whiskey

We didn't get any wedding gifts Oh yeah I saw the same as us Yeah we were so fucking stupid Your presence is the biggest gift You can give No no no We didn't even say that

We were just like You Things have been going well in my career i'm inviting comedians the wedding's on a weekend yeah you've already cost yourself a weekend to work yeah man we don't need anything like yeah we don't want you're just cluttering up your house please don't fucking yeah people like what about giving to a charity i'm like if you want to i'm not gonna tell you which one fucking i'll tell you which one's not out RSPCA Going after animals that was a safe bet

That was really safe Dying animals Like what animals are Oh no I guess You like dogs don't you Dogs bark speaking of bark You've stopped enjoying it I have I like all animals. Doug's bark, speaking of bark. You've stopped enjoying it?

I have. Well, because we're not, we're not getting back. You're now, you're now not taking us back to anything. You're actually holding us back. That's true. That is true.

We're fit though. Well. So you've re-upped your whiskey. It's my nose on the right way up. You can rinse it with water if you want Thanks man But no I'm not a pussy He's just trying to drown himself No it's like

It'll be like a Wee chemical burn It's nothing permanent But you can wash it I think I'm gonna be alright Like it's Getting a bit

Less bad Yeah But not good It was a hell of a way to do it So She was like You'll have all that leftover whiskey It's not full bottles

You're not using the whole bottle To fill up all these miniatures But you're only ever left with like a quarter Or a third left And obviously since the wedding Because they're up and you've got to get through them Of course If you don't get rid of what's left you'll be tempted to drink it so the best way

to get rid of that temptation is to drink it all and then bush bash bosh i still do um i still do i still do that thing where if somebody's Drinking whiskey on the telly I'll join them Having a whiskey And I'm getting through Quite a bit Watching Yellowstone Aye

Good I mopped up with whiskey On my 40th Did you? I shouldn't have Spilled it But You need to stop

My college Death Death by a million cuts Man I And I guarantee I guarantee I guarantee the podcast

Hasn't always been like that It hasn't No I reckon you were funny At one point Ah there was Until you started making This day fucking Influencer games

It was like Ah you want a muggle one Do you Do you want a muggle On your podcast I just I just mean In the

You know if this is We're trying to get people To be like Hey this is a good episode To listen to You want to listen to Cully's on fire I don't

It's like a forest fire I will Speaking of forest Tupac got murdered Uh huh Speaking of Forrest. Tupac got murdered. Uh-huh. The murderer's been caught like 20 odd years later. Hasn't the guy also been bragging about it for like a fair bit?

How do you think he got caught? What's that? He wrote a book. Did he? About how he did it. Well, fucking OJ got away with it, didn't he? Yeah, this is how I got away with murder. And then like, nobody really read his book,

so he did a bit of a book tour and went on some podcasts yeah murder Tupac no one's reading it and then when the when the feds got hold of the book and read it

everything matched up with the stuff that they found in evidence fuck yeah I think he had to retitle it because he couldn't call it

how to get away with murder anymore yeah so I mean he's everything but imagine how much the bookshelves have gone up now. When he comes out of prison,

whenever he does, then, you know, book deal, movie. Is that really a movie, bud? Is it? Is that really a Tupac movie, yeah? Is it? I mean,

I feel like I've watched a Tupac movie, but it may have been HQ. That's the money. He's not even dead. You could have said Biggie. Biggie would have been more acceptable. There's an NWA movie. Biggie movie.

I'm sure I've watched a Tupac movie. I definitely have. Is there a Tupac movie. I definitely have. Is there a Tupac movie that's called All Eyes on Me? Is my face red? No. My head's pulsing. Can I tell you my... Yeah.

Okay, fair enough. 2017, All Eyes on Me. Yeah, fair enough. 2017, all eyes on me. Yeah, go ahead. Can I tell you, my shoes, my diamond shoes are too tight complaint. Oh, well then. You know when, and this is, I want it on record.

What I'm about to complain about is so steeped in disgusting privilege and wealth. It's just gross. It's sickening, but I felt it. It's me. And I can only ever be myself. In business class, right, you get on the plane

before everyone else, obviously. More time to put stuff down. You're in comfy chairs. You get champagne. It's great. You order your meal. They're nice to you.

They sit, they come down to high level. They treat you like human beings. They don't spit on you. It's class. It's great You order your meal They're nice to you They sit They come down to high level They treat you like human beings They don't spit on you It's class It's the best You start watching the movies earlier Great

Right Don't Interrupt Business class movies With a flight announcement With your flight announcements I don't even want the I don't even want the

Fucking safety feature Right I've seen It doesn't matter if your Foot and seat's reclined or shit Does it I don't You can't recline your seat right? I've seen planes... Because it doesn't matter if your foot and seat's reclaimed or shit, does it? I don't... You can't reclaim your seat for takeoff and business, can you? No, you can't.

You can't take off like you can doing a water stay. Put your bed right back. Get your fucking legs crossed if your fucking arm's up. If your alien's still holding your nose. If... If a plane crashes I don't know if you've seen the video Business class people Die

There's like Not that there's many survivors In many plane crashes But nobody in business class Has ever survived A fucking plane crash Is it not like Off Demolition Man

Where it fills up with foam No It just It's the crumple zone is where all of the fucking wankers are. It's at the front of the fucking plane. Don't give me the fucking safety feature. We both know I'm dead.

We both know I'm dead if this fucking plane crashes. I don't need the safety feature. I'm not holding people up, right? The economy have got their own exits. We've got our own ones. I'm not holding anyone up here. Stop interrupting my fucking movie. No, there's nothing important enough to stop movie for any announcement

stop interrupting my movie to fucking convince me that pretending to suck my own dick before i die will do anything i'm sick i just said before the plane crash just stick your head between your legs so that the scuba divers can have a fucking laugh when they find your body. Did you hear what happened to Daniel? He died in a plane crash because he didn't hug his knees. Everyone else lived. Daniel made himself a star.

He just put his arms and legs out and just fucking died. Everyone else, fine. Do you know like Some of them plane crashes That you see Because people didn't Put their armrests down Before take off

A lot of them Some of them had Their trail table down That's what it was That's why they crashed Now some of them Winded down Somebody was

Somebody was reading Their Kindle Someone had their Headphones on Fucking I don't know And one of the Aer Lingus flights Had their headphones on? Fucking hell. And one of the Aer Lingus flights that had their headphones on?

I remember, I remember, man, fucking back in like 2008, nine, being on a fucking flight and getting real angry because a Ryanair flight attendant

made me turn my Kindle off or take off. I'd be there going, can you help us turn my watch off? My watch is still on. You got one of them little screwdrivers that you get out of a cracker.

As soon as I take my watch is still on you got one of them little screwdrivers that you get out of a cracker excuse the tech we watch i'll just start absolutely i'm not i'm not i'm not gonna punch a gay guy for saying i'm not gonna punch a gay guy For saying that gay people work As flight attendants Pass it here The doobot The fucking doobot And they do a wonderful job See how they kick that table with aggression for

because every time you mention those fucking oh good there's no money left I hear I hear about your speed to serve you a drink but I just like

a geezer tattoos and all that alright mate what you having I'm having I'm, I'm having this. I'm having this. I'm camping up a bit, man. Let's make it authentic. It's nice.

It's nice. Authentic. Uh-huh. I have definitely, you know, in America, now that you're mentioning Ryanair, not once, but like, in America,

I've definitely had straight, male... No, no, it's been like Larry Dean. Larry Dean gay. That's Al. But like In America I've definitely had straight Male No no It's been like Larry Dean Larry Dean gay That's Al That's on right He's got acne

I'm just naming gay people That don't like Have the camp element To their To their persona Larry Dean He's a stealth I'm a stealth

Aye And he only Likes He likes He likes him like himself He likes him scummy Oh fuck I mean

Aye I think you're Craig Hill's type Craig Hill Aye Aye Just because you're Rotten I've always like

Had it in my head That I would do alright If I was gay I don't think I don't think there's And I don't mean this I genuinely hope I don't have to put Five pounds in the jar for this I don't think there's, and I don't mean this, I genuinely hope I don't have to put five pounds in the jar for this.

I don't think any man would struggle to get laid as a gay guy, you know, with certain groups, with certain attractiveness. When you put it like that, it doesn't sound as good. Yeah, I just think, you know, horny men are going to fuck horny men. Gay listeners, take a box, yes or no, would you? Yeah, would I? Would you book us? Aye.

Aye, man. Five hours. I'll give you a good scene, too. Let me take a quick break. Yeah. So, we've been promoting some of our upcoming shows. Boston ones. Boston ones.

No, I wasn't promoting those. But speaking of, since this is a public episode, I'll also be talking about this in my stories later on. We had to reschedule a bunch of our American tour dates in and around the fucking Boston. We're still doing the Boston ones, but there were ones in fucking Portland

and Massachusetts and Oregon and New Hampshire and stuff. Boston's Massachusetts, right? Yeah, so I think those other bits. We're doing new territories. We were doing new territories. We've had to reschedule a bunch of those for personal reasons

that we'll go into much later. Unavoidable, unfortunately. We were going to be ready to schedule them for next year with the next tour. We're sorry, but it was kind of unavoidable. We're probably looking at like March, April time. Yeah, yeah. So if you had tickets to those, talk to the fucking theatre.

But also we are going back like eight days after Boston to do like LA and stuff we're still doing some of these cool gigs are still happening we're just not doing

a big block of American dates we're doing two chunks yeah yeah something happens in that period of time anyway so we're doing Belgium

in November November November somebody on Instagram asked me when he come to Belgium so I put up my stories just them sending that me showing the Belgian dates and me doing a fucking I give up face and I got a message from a Zachary Rewain of anti Donna fame oh yeah I remember seeing a beautiful fan letter

sent to David Bowie in the 60s just about what his music meant to them, etc. A really thoughtful message that had been typed up and sent to his record label or PO box or whatever. I think about that letter every time I get a DM saying

come to Perth or what time is Doors for your Birmingham show? For your Birmingham show Oh god aye There was just a different Just a better type of fan back then I hate it when people ask us The fucking Google Sometimes you know

I'll Google the answer To tell them the answer And I'll not tell them I Googled it Not be a prick about it The shit But I will go on and google the thing that they asked me And tell them And I'll say why am I being a butler

The shit people expect me To fucking know About my own Hey man how much are tickets for your show What are you talking about What are you fucking talking about I don't want to know because I'll be unimpressed With how much reaches me No no no i know i know my tickets are definitely affordable because that's something

that's you know me and marlene have discussed for years and years so i know i'm definitely you haven't you haven't charged 100 pounds for a ticket yet and and compared to other fucking acts and stuff of i would say for people at my fucking level my size i'm definitely one of the cheaper ones and that's an intentional thing i think comedy should be fucking i would say for people at my fucking level, my size, I'm definitely one of the cheaper ones, and that's an intentional thing. I think comedy should be fucking affordable. I would say inexpensive, not cheap. Yes, yes, I agree. Yes, that's a fairer representation, yeah.

Cheap seems to devalue you. You actually have a lot of worth. I'm just being a sap Speaking of sap You got suckered in I didn't get suckered in But it's very easy to make a bunch of fucking tree puns Right

There's nothing It's not It's like fish puns Right It's just which we did with joy everyone's done with everything when reuben was here we're just zinging the fish go to any fucking fish and chips up our fucking facebook page yeah all of the all of the comments underneath any type of their thing it's just fucking boomers Being like Well that looks like a nice Place to eat

It's all You really reeled me in Yeah Aye Yeah stuff like that Because you're 40 And you're acting like you're 40 I'm just telling you

Alright What do you want to do with that Show your age Put on a backwards hat Fucking Steve Jimmy meme Fucking

Join TikTok Get into Beyblades Oh man Someone got TikTok Absolutely fucking killed us Might have to cut this out If you want But

After you'd been on Dispatches Everybody went Yeah TikTok To pour love on you And let you know How much they were grateful For what you said And The first video That I come across on you and let you know how much they were grateful for what you said and the first video that I come

across was you and Glenwell talking about bum worms and mate it went from like several thousand to several hundred thousand hits and everybody just like thank you man for speaking up it really means a lot of us and you're talking about

worms getting excited during anal sex because the great pink worm got us into it. Like it's the funniest clip. In general, it's the funniest clip, but it's the funniest clip for people to come on again. Man, thanks for speaking truth to power. Oh my god It was Matthew

Pointing out to me I fucking went And had a look for myself I was like This is fucking gold man Dave Longley Trolling the mob Yes

Yes Who just ran out Just ran in a puff Shuffle There's always There's always Sometimes when I'm fucking stoned And I think about stuff

I sometimes I'm like Oh you should just write that down That's something That you want to talk about And it's just The greatest lie I ever tell to myself

Is you'll remember Yeah Uh huh Yeah especially if you're lying in bed Oh Like I'll remember that in the morning Never remember I have to constantly be reminded

Of my mother's birthday My brother's birthday you know fucking where i've left stuff what i'm doing tomorrow yeah me for some fucking reason three in the afternoon outside walking both hands absolutely fucking free could very easily take my phone out of my fucking pocket and note down what is currently going on in my head which which is a proven healthy thing to do. Really good. And I'm like, I know, mate. I'll be all right.

Fucking nothing leaves this fortress. Just go and have a hash can in the garden. What was I? I'm at the point now where I've started writing down ideas for premises for jokes. I think it's something funny, writing it down in my notes because I'm going to write a new I've started like writing down ideas for premises for jokes or if like I think it's something funny like writing it doing it in my notes

because I'm going to write a new show for next year's Fringe but like I really hate the process of like saying something funny and going

I'm going to write that down Natalie's been good actually like if I say something funny she'll be like get your phone and do that oh yeah because she has to

sift through all the other fucking shit she's like leave me alone put it in your phone and do that Oh yeah Because she has to sift through All the other fucking shit She's like Leave me alone Put it in your phone Stop telling me Get out of the room Write a joke

That's great You should go write A really long joke About that in the other room Get out of the room Write a joke With crayons With your teeth

Get strawberry flavoured You fucking idiot I do enjoy that pocket of time Where you've got all your new material And you don't need any more and you can just live Do I hear One of my high thoughts Premises for a joke the other day

Go on then It's my favourite Set up I think I've ever written here's the thing about misogyny you don't have to stop doing it right you just have to admit that you do the same shit sometimes and then it's a quality accuse women of a thing yeah like and then just go we all do it but you're doing it right now you just yeah like yeah, like, no, no, no. Or you admit you all, we're all flaws. None of us are perfect, right?

I do this thing, you do this thing. For me to say, you know, instead of spinning it, like Cara does this thing and making all women do this, you'd be like, I'm sure there's some fucking other people out there who do this fucking thing. As long as you just make it about everyone, you can still say it with the same venom. You don't have to grow.

You just have to shift your words. Like you just make about everyone you can still say with the same venom you don't have to grow you just have to shift your words like you just you go women do that men do it as well but you know mostly you lot

that's what you mean you lot is always one of my favourites you lot such a disparate you you lot is so cutting

you know it's so it's heavy you know what you know what yous are like it has weight doesn't it it's so it's heavy you know what you know what yous are like it has weight doesn't it it's like

really heavy words oppressive I don't know have I told you this one I'm just looking through

phone notes do you want to hear some more this is a good idea you know me and my few are talking on the car

on the way here about like we should do like little writers room together where we get the premises just what we're doing now right and but then also record the open mic where you try it and then record when it's like at the fringe on the preview and do like how to build a joke i was going to do a documentary i think adam rose also done

that as a documentary but i was doing that as a documentary before covet oh i remember yeah that's how i already had the camera that we started the podcast with, because you were recording the start of your show. So what are you going to do with that archive footage? You still got it? It's still there, but it's fucking bit it all. Don't get me wrong, the jokes did become something, but we didn't record enough of it. You didn't get the

follow-up? No. So here's the note. Married with children's sex is still good sex, it's just not the sex that you used to have when you were drunk on cocaine and unsure whether you'd need to meet her parents. It's a very funny line. I used to measure how good her sex was

by how long she'd be quiet for after, like, just recovering aftershocks, etc. Now I measure how good her sex is. Oh, I've definitely said this is the podcast. You have? How about getting a phone and how much battery life's gone? Jesus, is that the last time I wrote a fucking new joke?

Is that right oh god please tell me that can't be fucking true the longer you leave it the harder it gets as well no no no it's because I definitely

fucking man I definitely you need to get into a rhythm of writing I just need to actually fucking write the things down because I've definitely

thought a heap more bits since then you don't remember them the worst thing is about like thinking of something and then feeling like you'll remember them. The worst thing is about thinking of something and then feeling like you'll remember it later as you'll sometimes remember something but think you've heard it before.

Because it's familiar in your head. It's been in your head before and then you think it again and you just think it's been in your head before because you've watched another comedian do it or you've heard a friend say it. So you always have this element of doubt that you've subconsciously lifted it.

If you think of it for the second time without writing it down that's a problem yeah i used to even just take notes with phones like that was such a good way of doing just take a voice note and be like this is the fucking bit this is how it fucking goes yeah yeah because then what i find that so much easier to fucking listen to myself back because then i'm hearing what then i'm hearing the bits i'm laughing at writing it down something you say funny and then being like right okay to get all the bits out here's the point here's the point anything ahead and here's what i think the punchline is as opposed to just listening to myself laughing at it and being like oh that's what it came yeah the tone getting the tone of voice right because you never really recapture it from just like a bullet pointed note here's

one from the other day That I actually have Fucking remembered Right Caelan's become obsessed With trains Which is great I'm really looking forward

To this part of his journey Has he met Thomas yet? So So you're like You love trains do you? You want one with a face do you? Man It's almost word for word

When he was like When he was like getting excited When he pointed at a train The other day And he went Choo choo And I went Man you've got no idea what I'm about to introduce you to.

You might have Trane on him. We had the weekend to ourselves. Cara was away. So it was just me and him. And it's never me and him. It's me and him him and then she always comes back at like 3 in the morning

or like the night like this was her out not all the time I just mean whenever she is away it's never

out all night it's one of her nights where she's out anyway eh I'm it's Sunday morning

I'm like Sunday morning cartoons man we can do whatever we want You don't even have to be in your fucking high chair We can have breakfast You lying on my tummy We'll just hoover the couch afterwards Let's be fucking

Porn on the big telly Fucking Let's stick on VR Go on Explore your tiny mind So I stick on Thomas the Tank Engine Man He loses his shit straight away

Trains with faces on it He's like Oh He just keeps going Train shine I'm like fucking yes This is so exciting We're getting into it together

It's a new season Of eh Shit they're still churning that out are they Well They're revamping it So There it goes Here's the new bit

Here's the new bit It's gone woke Oh here we go Thomas the Tanker It's gone woke I'm 40 am I Yeah I'm 40

It's gone woke There's a There's a woman train Kai Explain that Is it Is it a train that thinks It's a tractor

it identifies as a tractor no no it's not it's a woman train like don't be wrong

I just don't know men can be trains obviously right obviously however that happens on

that island men can be trains that makes sense obviously that what do you

mean there's a girl train what they learned how to do that does she

do everything the same as the men? Her name's Belle And she's got Belle on her Because she's fucking old She's Hooting and hollering Well, she's

She's like, Babs sat there I'm like, this is gone This is gone fucking Woke It's meant to be a boys club Well Then Then?

Gay train Is there? That doesn't look like it The station, did it? club well then then gate home is that I just love going to the station did it this was a fucking

show you do you know what else as well like once once you've paid the

fiver you feel like just doubling down you're like we're going to the station they fucking love it D I'm in the station

they fucking love it they're in the they're in the brown station I like it's not fuck off that was the same bit I was doing a bit

about the bit I was doing a bit about the bit right okay so stabbing somebody once or getting somebody getting stabbed eight times

they're going to jail for the same period of time are they those are two different types of murders one could have been an accident one could have been off the fucking cuff you know if you keep stabbing the same wound that's another that's not what i meant that's not what i meant that's just the

same still the same stabbing i'm saying i'm saying but if you pull it out and put it in that's not where i'm going But it's where you took his... I'm going to gaslight. You knew he did this to me earlier. You led us to this. You're on thin ice here. Fuck's sake. All of them come across homophobic.

Yeah, well, can you imagine how much money we're going to make when Colin comes on this podcast? Oh, my God. Plus with the Holocaust for no reason. Oh, for fuck's sake. It's going to make When Colin comes on this podcast Oh my god For fuck's sake It's going to wipe him out Are we still paying for it? Is he on fucking Bank of Mum and Dad when he comes on the podcast? Are you fucking kidding me?

We're going to have to set up some rules for this thing Because no one's going to come on the podcast If they have to take it to our apartment I think it does have to be for us But maybe our friends I was going to say I imagine most of our friends are better than us I don't think Ruben K would have a problem with that fucking jar

No If it was like, you know Porn Like Panzer Wanky Points Then he'd be He'd be, yeah Did you see me That was literally me

Talking myself Out of a home Full fix About Ruben K there Not for the good Not for the good of humanity Not for my friends To save a fiver

This is very revealing Oh it's not Because then like I mean I've not thought Any of this through Because I really Like now we're just

Losing money And I wanted to Lose fucking money But there is like Less money to charity Oh yeah Let's just fucking Just take the brakes off

Just take the brakes off Take off on everyone Take off on everyone And just fucking That's what the drunk episodes are for can't afford

petrol to drive to the food banks or whatever I'm looking forward to doing a

drunk episode yeah drunk a high one of both heroin episodes should do the heroin

episode meth special yeah or we should just do Chem sex Should do the chem sex special Yeah

Chem trail sex Chem trail sex It's just chem sex But During the mile high club And you flush the toilet afterwards And then you make Americans Dumber than they already are

For no reason Came after you Americans Came after you Just because it's easy I mean Not for no reason Not for no reason I after you Americans Came after you Just because it's easy I mean Not for no reason Not for no reason I mean

You get Why you're a target You shouldn't be the target And it's very easy To go for you But you know Why you Have

Like The image that You know You're dumb as fuck You get that right That's not I'm not projecting that Onto you

That's not That was They know I'm not projecting that onto you. That's not... That was... They know. Aye, you're a bit... You kind of do that, can't you? You kind of put your tongue in your lip. I don't think so.

Because it's like... I mean, I do it all. I do it all. It really, really insinuates disabled. Yeah, it does. Right? But, I mean, you're thick. Like, that's

I do it a little bit in my set I don't even have a full tongue like uh life hack do you know what it is

oh yeah like uh like I don't I'm not like filling my face I'm not doing that like uh it's like when you're like I didn't cook like a chicken I just said's like when you're like

boop boop I didn't cook like a chicken I just said the word boop you're like ah same thing bud same thing it's like

I'm nuh nuh just holding down N like delete delete delete

oh I had to get behind the seat with me godson why is this 10 from the N word what's your

version of Marco Polo this is how we'll end the podcast and I don't mean this episode

as soon as I start counting Jack my godson runs off to hide. And I count to ten, but just to give him a little bit longer, or to give me a little bit longer on my cup while watching the match, I drag out the ten count. I'll be like, one, two, three, four, five. I didn't plan on when I got to Maine,

I'd just be sat in the hoose going... Trying to hold myself back. Zane! Thank God. I'm relieved. We're all relieved. We're all relieved We're all relieved Day 10

Where is he I've lost it at 4 Fucking where are you Aye Thanks for tuning tuning into our podcast aye hope you enjoyed it as much as I did aye if you didn't pay for the podcast think of

subscribing to the Patreon because we are bleeding money this isn't a sustainable operation without you aye and I'm going to put it out there probably 100% of your money Is going to charity

Yeah Yeah And look we've upgraded Like if you've never subscribed To our podcast before Don't get me wrong We understand why It has not been worthy of your cash

But dumber people than you Have been our patrons and our dads They believed in us For how long now? Seven years. No. Two years. Two years. We still owe them some perks. Uh-huh.

Not in this bit. I know, we'll give you yours straight away as soon as you say that. Not them books. Yeah, what are they going to do? Unsubscribe? Yeah, we're definitely going to give you your perks. Thank you, Daft Cuts. They're in it for the long haul so

exclusive exclusive new Patreon Patreon offer if you subscribe now you will get all of your perks before those old folks

do so we're gonna lose people no they might because then they don't get it then we've clued the bank catalog I would just say if you've not subscribed

to this page to our Patreon before it was never worth your money now it will be there's a bunch of fucking tears there and we're going to be adding more stuff to it in just more ways

to just get more fucking money out of you cunts just because that's where we need to go with this like Kai his wife runs a successful business and despite the fact that he claims to be a feminist It emasculates him And so he wants to make

I want to be the breadwinner Aye So If you need to fund it Which I think you should Because I think Toxic masculinity is getting a bad rap nowadays It's actually underrated

Aye Thanks to people like me You're spoiling it for everybody Aye There's always one person that just goes too far With that toxicity app nowadays. It's actually underrated. Thanks to people like me. You spoil it for everybody. There's always one person that just goes too far with that toxicity and it's always, always you. That isn't wrong. See you next week, fuckers. Or we'll see you on Thursday

when you sign up, you fucking tight cunts. And if you're going to Boston, we've already seen you because this is getting really stuffed through it, but where are we going next? Where are we going next Where are we going next LA Oh LA Seattle And

San Diego San Diego And a couple of others Go to danielsloss.com Yeah Thank you