Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Deep Blue Yonder

Episode Date: November 20, 2024

After taking turns to carry the podcast Muggins and Cream finally do one together and it's a miracle Kai is here for this after a shark encounter on holiday that sent him spinning. They react to a skydiver who survived a more credible brush with death as their parachute didn't open. The only funny things happening in Daniel's life right now are hack tropes. Join Kai on Tour   We are proud to still be sponsored by Thistly Cross Cider, who have recently released their limited-time Rum Cask Cider, so make sure to stock up while it is available and enjoy (responsibly) Go to thistlycrosscider.co.uk and use code: THISTLYSLOSSNOVEMBER for 10% your order, for UK residents only, and you must be over 18 years old

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha!

They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack Aww, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia

Where have you been since 9-11? Have you tried this yet? What have you got in your hand there? It's the rum cask Rum cask? It's the new one Oh, it gives a little tickle Don't look at the percentage

Because you're driving I said, strong I'm going to stay here for a little while, I must Stay the night I mean, don't have a full one Should I just bring my wife? And I'm going on tour on Tuesday But I'll be back on Monday

Do us a massive favour Get a train from Glasgow to Edinburgh Now look at the percentage By rum casks Does it just mean fucking rum You're drinking rum mate That's really nice Have I got something

To take home I mean you might have Fuck off Are you drinking out Are you steaming There's There's more There's

There's another Crate and thistly cross That you can have But the rum cask is Oh man There's about half Of this cask left But like look

I can take a bottle For me and Natalie To share You can take the half Because it's a problem We're going to have a dram Of It's it's a problem you can take the rest of the remaining rum cask because it's becoming a problem for me

oh really you just think I'll just have a couple and then you're fucking stumbling around this is the bit that we can't put in the advert right because obviously there's very strict laws about you know you can't yeah you can't glorify the alcohol content even though that's the mo of fucking booze companies no because

it's not is it look man i'm not drinking fucking six of these right and then fucking going in a vr boxing game and beating the shit out of fucking people just like getting aggressive three of those a night though is that your idea of getting aggressive kind of the vr i'm not gonna hit my wife i mean there's got to be some sort of outlet I'm really problematic when I've had a couple of drinks me like

slip into the meta quest cause a rug start a bar brawl I go to meta quest Mike Tyson's boxing and I'm like you fucking let yourself down fighting Jake Paul

you prick I nearly took my mother-in-law like day in day in meta quest boxing on a route like day in day in Metacrest Boxing aye it was like just in the

hallway there and she was just trying to pop by to make a cup of tea didn't realise what I was doing ding ding just come in swinging

she didn't know she just thought I was playing beat table or something beat mother it's if you want this by the way

it's Thistley Sloss November Thistley Sloss 10 for November right you're going to have to watch the video version

of this because it'll pop up on the screen yeah Matthew will there'll be an ad I'll put it in the blurb

if you listen to it it's in the blurb aye I know look Whiskey Cask is still my absolute fave

of the Thistley Cross ciders. And me and Cara are such fucking, not snobs is the wrong word, but like brand loyalists. Like we were, we go swimming with the kids every Thursday and it's in a hotel and the hotel's got a wee bar. But afterwards we just end up having like coffee with the other swimming parents. And like there's a bar there, but we never drink there because we're always driving. But Thistley Cross is now on tap. And we got dead proud.

We were like, ooh. Like when I saw the TB. Aye, yeah. Every time I see it, I was in a bar in Birmingham and I saw it was on the menu. And every time I see it on the menu, I'm absolutely getting it. Yeah, yeah.

Even if I fancy a beer. It fills me with excitement every time. And the whiskey cask is fucking great. But that rum stuff is... I do that a little bit with Newcastle Brown Ale, even though I don't like it. I'm a heathen. Oh, yeah.

I actually don't like Newcastle Brown Ale. I don't find it delicious. No, how could you? But if I see it on sale in Lithuania, I'm struggling myself through it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, if I don't have... I don't have a particularly thick Scottish accent, but if I meet another Scottish person in America, I'm like, let's make these locals feel like foreigners. Let's fucking ostracise them through talking absolute shit. I just wish our drink was a bit more akin to Guinness. You know, if Newcastle Brown Ale was something that you're proud of. Aye.

I love the brand of it. I love that it was on the Newcastle shirt for a long time Did you like it more when you were an actual working man? Because you always said to me I think it's because I've gotten myself so fucking drunk, you know when you've properly spewed your ring on a drink Yeah, fireball, fireball I can never drink again

It makes it difficult to drink again I think it's because I did that in my teens I didn't respect it enough when I was in my teens and I ended up fucking having an aversion to it Because you always say, and I think it's because I did that in my teens. I didn't respect it enough when I was in my teens and I ended up fucking having an aversion to it. Because you always say, and I think rightfully so, that the reason I don't like beer is because I've never worked a day in my life. Ah, yeah.

You've never had the Friday night pint. Aye. You've never had the break enough for work for the weekend pint with your pals. Like, work clothes, straight to the pub. You've never had that. Yeah, I've never woken up at seven driven fucking god knows how many hours to a thankless fucking nine to five where it's just putting in a hardcore shift going home late managed to put some scram to my neck

fuck i'm turning to you here um and then done that for a week and then on friday picking up an absolutely freezing cold pint of piss and being like, well, that wasn't as bad as Monday through Thursday. And that's why you enjoy the pint. And also it's the fact that it keeps flowing. Like even like I try and like if I'm driving, I'll have an alcoholic, like a non-alcoholic beer, which I probably put myself in Muggle Corner for

a little while back. But if I'm at the bar and I can have a beer and drive, because in Scotland, zero tolerance, right? So if I can just say, have a pint after the gig, but it's not a pint, I'm just simulating having a pint.

It's a fucking decaf. You can't drink more than a couple of them, like the same as drinking a soft drink. Beer just passes through you. That's what's classy about it. It just keeps on going through your body. You break the ceiling and then you can have fucking 10 pints on a night out.

on going through your body, you break the ceiling and then you can have fucking 10 pints on a night out. In the vein of me being a soft boy who's never worked a day in his life, I've obviously been playing more golf recently. Out on the course or up in your house? Up in my house. Up in your little golf room? Up in my wee golf room. You've got a golf course in the attic

when we bought the new house the previous owner because of like he'd lived here

for 10 12 years and because of an injury he sustained he just needed like an easier

house like he had his back which was really sad so he ended up leaving us a bunch of gym stuff because sadly couldn't use it anymore and one of the other

things he left was a golf simulator with like the fucking net upstairs and my boy is massively into it and i love that he's into it because i'm not forcing him into it he wants to be on it he's eager to play and he's got about 15 20 minutes of playing in him before he's like, can I just watch some fucking Plippy on your phone? And I'm like, absolutely, you can. Plippy. Oh, we'll get into Plippy in a second. It's a YouTube guy. We'll get into Plippy

because the guy is a millionaire now. Can I watch some Plippy on your phone? And normally I'm like, fucking, like screen time is something you do concern yourself regularly about with parenthood. But then there is also just like man there's screens everywhere also being a full-time parent is a challenge like entertaining a child with constant energy 24 hours a fucking day is difficult and you're allowed to take yourself a break now normally good and better parents than me give their kids some screen time and they go away so you're like you're

recharging your batteries while giving your child ADHD. Yeah. But like trying to get the balance of that right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so why he, normally most parents will like do the laundry. Give a little bit of thread on there. Thanks man. You look otherwise immaculate. Thanks man. Well there's also, this is

stained. I then do nine holes, because you can do nine holes on a golf simulator because you don't have to walk you don't have to find your ball which is a huge bonus it's always there it's right there that would be handy for me that's how i spend the majority of my time i get my fucking steps up playing golf i got a i'm a this is this is muggle corner and this is the worst first of all golf is muggle corner I'll take that exactly on the chin I'm in muggle corner

for an extra period of time because I gotta use gloves on both my hands because my skin's so soft because I've never worked you callous your hands playing golf

man I tore this hand I know I know the golfers out there will be like you shouldn't be holding that hard with your right hand I agree man

but it is no matter how much I talk to myself about like fucking don't welly it the way to get a good swing is smooth controlled I agree man but it is no matter how much I talk to myself about like fucking don't welly it the way to get a good swing is smooth

controlled and accurate and you step up you get that in your head and your brain goes imagine you just fucking melted it though aye

like I it's the same it's the same thing like climbing yeah like climbing instead of trying to be like economic with your movements

you're trying to pull the wall down yes because you're a man you're meant to climb like a girl that's what all good climbing instructors tell you you're meant to climb like a girl because women are more sensible and they're not egotistical about like i'm just gonna use my fucking biceps to get up a wall and they're like circumnavigating having circumnavigating having no strength yeah and well i mean that's sexist but they're you know they're using their Same way kids climb As well Which is like If I just get close to the wall

And climb up there I can't not Fucking Leather it And my My kid Is a good kid But he's

You know He's thick All kids are thick He I've I've put Two holes In our wall upstairs

So far as he was Slagging off the previous hole If I put a hole in the wall I'm coming just going that tech. He wasn't very good at golf That wouldn't be me come back you just pay for it The fact that he only put three holes in the Five like having five years and I put I don't know 12 And I know you're like surely Daniel you should be able to put hole in the wall because it covers a lot it does I

Find the place I find the place. I find the bed that you can fucking lay it into. I swear I've scored an own goal in golf before. I started with a hole and landed it on the tee. There was the other one that's kind of killing me at the moment. And it's so, Caelan's language is coming on. It's improving every week,

which is so fun to be able to have conversations with him for him to be able to like he'll say something to you you don't understand it and he'll have to in his own brain work out another way

to say it to you or like describe the thing to get information across which is just like me getting in Europe yeah he's like slower

he's like he knows what he wants to say I'm not getting it but he's got this patience able to get across he's not good at R like he knows what he wants to say i'm not getting it but he's got this patience able to get across he's not good at ours can't do ours and he's not really nailing yeah right so it's autumn there's leaves everywhere he loves standing cherry would be the most difficult word yeah yeah well you can do For some reason Well yeah Cherry Cherry would be quite hard

Like you can say For some reason Like R's at the start of words Fine R's in the middle of the words Disappear Ch At the start is absolutely fine

But a ch at the end of a word Is difficult Like you can make the noises But them all going together In different parts of words Partridge Well It would be difficult the word crunch crunch

crunch so we're walking through leaves everywhere it's all crunchy leaves right this kid just stomping around going cunts cunts cunts cunts cunts cunts and i'm like this is very very funny this is objectively a very very funny yeah but it's also a hack bit. Oh, Matt, I can't, I'm not on the thing. You can't do comedy about it. No, especially because the other one, what else crunches, Kai? Cereal? Food, you're right, you're talking about food, food. So he's in a restaurant, he's eating fucking cucumber.

Cunts, cunts, cunts. And I've got to be there being like, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. And he's like, that's what I'm fucking saying. Cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts,, crunch. And he's like, that's what I'm fucking saying. Cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts. And I'm like, look, we live in Edinburgh. There are a lot of them, but you can't be fucking.

Point out every one of them. What was it? It was McIntyre had a bit of me. No juice. No juice. No juice. Aye. Oh, there's loads. I mean, there was John Gavin used to have.

John Gavin had a bit as well. Blackcurrant was Blackcunt. Blackcurrant, yeah. Aye. Aye. Yeah, exactly. there was John Gavin used to have Black Currant was Black Hunt Black Currant yeah aye aye so like so like you kind of like yeah you kind of do that

for comedy like all the things that are making you laugh in life have been done I can't yeah and I can't this is why I can't do stand up

you talk about what you know and everything you know has been done to death yep at every level from like mainstream to fucking like open mics

yeah yeah it's allowed to go on the podcast it's allowed to die because the people that listen to us are just interested in my goddamn life but I can't do stand-up

at the moment because there's just everything I find funny is just I mean it's funny to me it's funny to Cara uh-huh but it's a

boring fucking lifestyle people are like oh your kid says words wrong does he oh that's fucking a new thing you hack brutal you're just backed into a corner oh yeah

i'm just taking time out i'm just like i've supped myself off at this point it's like look i've i've pulled a hammy here i could play through but i'm letting the team down if i keep playing like this as well everyone else get better not even like not even traveling with a team you're just like off to get treatment in fucking France or something you just have to go to a different country for your rehab aye

it's a shame it's a shame you'll fucking wait for me to die that's your that's your next show well I mean there's a good chance

my father-in-law was saying to me there's a not a over 50% chance but there's like a 30% chance that I don't do

any stand-up next year next year at all well because there's like a 30% chance that I don't do any stand-up next year. Next year at all? Well, because there's like... What, you're going to do it anyway next year? Yes. Can't you just dip your toe back in?

Yeah, I was going to write a new show. Oh, because you were tempted to do some stuff in Australia, weren't you? Yeah,

over for Poopsie's wedding. Aye, because I've managed to, I don't know if this is an announcement, but I'll break it as news I'm going to do gallivanting in Melbourne at the start of April and then Sydney towards the end of April

just after Jean's wedding so that's from the 8th from the 8th in Melbourne for a week and then 3 days at the back end in Sydney I don't think there's anything else in between because they've got us doing Gala stuff so I'm sorry if you're in Perth or Brisbane or anything I'm sorry if you're in Perth anyway brisbane or anything i'm sorry if you're in perth in any way nothing to do with the show

nothing to do with the festivals alone if you're in perth that fucking sucks man it's pretty remote imagine imagine being a worse perth than scotland's perth that's fucking wild right what about when i actually went to the cinema in perth and i'd googled the address for the cinema in perth scotland and it wasn't shown up. It wasn't shown up on Google Maps when I clicked on the address because you can't

cycle through the ocean. So it was just like not found. Not found. So I was like, oh, I'll type it in then. Morrison Street. There we go.

Nice and easy. You got on your bike and fucking cycled there. What was it? Church. It was a church. It was a church on the shared address

of Morrison Street, Perth or whatever there was something like that but I found it when I got there anyway now I'm religious I didn't get to see that's how they get you

I didn't get to see Rogue One and now I'm a Christian that's how they fucking get you man so I've just been on the Live Laugh Love holiday you have it's such a Live, laugh, love holiday. It's so Instagrammable.

Yeah, it's also, you can't call it muggle because it's too, Maldives is like, for a lot of people, it's not even once in a lifetime. That's an expensive, fucking difficult trip. It's a long journey from the UK. It's a lot of fucking money. It's only getting more expensive. And it's fucking glorious of fucking money it's only getting more expensive and it's fucking glorious

it's crazy you can see why it's like that that exclusive not many young people there like it's not a like it's like everyone

like I was looking at everyone just going where do you where do you get your money that's what we did I was looking at the wildest guy at that rate what is Al

what is Al doing knowing full well that everyone there is looking at your bong eyed wee face being like who let the riffraff in aye

I thought I thought we were getting away from them with your fucking with your tribal tattoos hold on hold on a middle eastern woman

is supporting a white chaff aye this is the future the left wants this is what's she getting rid of this

because she's she's the lux and the money hold on let me just i can't even tell any shorts he doesn't have a big cock um i had a lovely time i'd like a digital detox as well barely touched my phone like the once i the once or twice i did touch my phone was just like you know when natalie's getting ready and i'm just back in the air con in the apartment and i'm like oh i can't check my phone it made us laugh every time because that was the point in your honeymoon when you would check in with the lads and anytime you like spoke in the whatsapp everyone was like your honeymoon boring us man get back your honeymoon and i'm like this is just the bit where this is the bit where like you

can check your phone you see what's happening in the outside just the bit where this is the bit where like you can check your phone you see what's happening in the outside world the little small pocket of the fucking wonderful holder that you're having where you're just like I'm going for a shite and I'm not doing that alone yeah yeah right you just sit doing for a shite and then I was like have a little catch-up respond to some shit in the whatsapp little like five minute pocket of me holiday where I'm practically detoxing from my phone and I like to think you've got a problem you fucking piece of shit you know

you're the Maldives and this is what you're doing it's really really funny because I saw how wound up you were getting once a day for 30 minutes

is beyond is more than most people do in a fucking month because you'll you'll pick it up to like check the football or whatever

and see some notifications and go and have a little look but largely like even every time we went for a meal we didn't take our phones in fact to the point that it got like

a week in and I was like well we've got any fucking photos from this holiday and we just they just go and run the island

just pap pap pap pap look at all the photos it looks like we've got the same clothes we've got any change of clothes because we barely took our phones and even for photographs but what I found is that when i was having a meal and just being

in the moment having a meal you realize every single person there's brought their phone food and it it does look a wee bit tragic where you can see what people are looking at on their phones because the way the seats are you can just look at what people show us they're looking at pictures of the maldives they've basically took a nice picture. They've popped a nice filter on it. They've put it on social media. I knew they're getting addicted to the notifications and they're making people jealous

and people are commenting about how glorious it looks. And I'm looking at them looking at their phones, ignoring each other. And I'm like, the Maldives is there. You can see it. We're in a restaurant looking out over the scene that you're looking at on your phone. And I was really pleased with my decision making

of not putting anything on social media so that I didn't get that draw from my phone to see the response from it. And actually just leaving my phone away so I could just connect with my wife and spend some time with her. I really like the moments when me and my wife

go out to dinner or we're out and we're both checking our phones for a bit and I decide to put my down first and I put it in my pocket

and she's still on her phone and I just get to sit there acting like the victim she's always like this I can't get anything out it's like being married to a teenager

I caught a guy doing exactly that it's so funny exactly that because it's like being married to a teenager I caught a guy doing exactly that it's so funny exactly that because it's like buffing food out right and then he put his phone down and then started eating food

and then started glancing at his if she was being rude you were saying like you were making the proper scene of it I was like

you were doing the same a second ago and you would not have noticed if she put her phone down instantly instantly feeling like the better person And you would not have noticed if she put her phone down. Instantly, instantly feeling like the better person when you're not on your phone. Hello, this is an advert, as always, for my favourite cider in the entire world, Thistley Cross Cider.

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I will be genuinely shocked within the next couple of months if it doesn't win the same award that this one. If you're wondering what the noise in the background is, it's just my son is trying to help with the advert, which brings us to consuming alcohol and Fistly Cross responsibly. They are delicious. They are good for you

and need to be consumed sensibly. Do you like drinking this? Or do you like chocolate milk? What's better? This or chocolate milk? Chocolate milk. It's not as good as chocolate milk but it is still good we're not sponsored by chocolate milk we're sponsored by thisley cross so thisleycross.co.uk uh with the promo code thisley sloss 10 for uh 10 discount on all your orders because my wife is on her phone uh she's on her arse on her phone a lot because

she's breastfeeding our baby right so of course she's lying down she's got to be there also baby sleeps on her so there's some points look we can put the baby down but with a kid fucking running around and two dumb cats it's much easier for her to just hold the baby to guarantee she gets to you can't exactly read a book you're not going to get very far into a film or a series before you're distracted she's just at the base level and a book you're not going to get very far into a film or a series before you're distracted she's just at the base level and a lot of the time

she's doing really important shit on her phone she's like sorting out I mean she's sorting out a lot of stuff

for me she's like she's booking flights she's checking things she's booking classes for her kids she's updating because we've moved

she's laying the tracks for the week ahead yeah and she's also updating a lot of stuff but it does just look like she's on her phone meanwhile I'm also sat over there

on my phone just doing a Sudoku just fucking oh yeah I found a good app but I don't know if I'm going to keep it I took the 30 day subscription

it's called Brilliant and it's like logic puzzles and like teaching you how to solve like problems and then giving you problems and there's loads

of different courses on it as well at the minute I've just been doing the logic one but I was on a seven day streak it is

like it is a good app for and I got it focused advertised to as well I've been watching maths channels on YouTube

fucking and you and you came at me subtly for my wee Sudoku thing That's where I'm at I didn't catch you I'm telling you

You can graduate from Sudoku To First of all I watch Sudoku videos on YouTube First of all How dare you That's all I know What my swing is

Have you done any research On the number 37? You know The number 16 In Mistborn Yes The number 37 Is that number

For us in the real world? No, I think the movie was called The Number 23 and it had Jim Carrey in it. And number 37. Why?

They just surveyed a bunch of people asking for a random number and do you know which one come first? 37. 68. 37 come second.

Yeah, 69. Oh no, surely 420. 42. No, 42. 42 because that's the meaning

of Leif and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy I would have If I was taking that survey I would have slapped everyone I would have high fived everyone That said 69 Because obviously very funny Very mature

Nice Anyone that said 42 Slap across the fucking jaw Grow up Grow up Shave that beard There's a lot of like Occurrence of the number 37

In people's mind And like It's one of them like Spotlight things as well as once you've had that put in your head, you kind of help, but look out for it. And it was just a Rick, it's Rick,

it's yesterday done a 37 mile run. I was like, there's that number. I wouldn't have noticed at all. If you'd done a 34, that's how coincidence is filled with a thousand things that were almost coincidences, which is why everyone who is a conspiracy theorist

is beyond that. It's ridiculous. Like looking for meaning and stuff. It is that thing of like, I was just talking about him the other day and then I bumped into him when I was walking the dog. Who else were you talking about that day?

What other 50 people did you bring up in conversation? The millions of people that you never mentioned. But like people just love that. One of my favorite feelings in the world is if i'm listening to an audiobook right in the book that's the word that's just been said is a word that crosses my eyes right because like say you read a billboard or like the side of a van or something and the word that's said in the audiobook simultaneously happens when that word

hits your eyes the amount of words you've heard and the amount of words that have hit your eyes right it's it's happening all of the time and nothing's happening but then the one time that happens it feels mystical and i know like i know there's no meaning in it but it feels fucking spiritual every time it happens like it always feels like a like a sign from fucking a higher power and that's how people's brains are trained and you can acknowledge that that's just your brain trying to assign higher power and that's how people's brains are trained and you can acknowledge that that's just your brain trying to assign meaning to something that's a coincidence because we're a pattern-based animal we're pattern-based animals right but when you get that you can still enjoy it you can still go oh that was cool yeah that was fucking really cool when that happened

um also i voiced my more do when i was on my holder because you get scared where we show because my heart rate was still up and i felt like it was never going to come down so when i was out in the maldives you got to swim with sharks tiny little fucking reef sharks biggest they'd be is about maybe two or three feet they're kind of a cute color as well aren't they they seem to be like a yellowy color or something when they were in the water there was like um like almost like there was a translucence to them yeah

when they're babies yeah because they were cutting about like you could see that from like where just went like

what do you call the fucking veranda like the stilts because it's the stilt house thing oh we got we got double upgraded

you know I booked the cheapest accommodation on the island because of me did you do that or did your wife do that I did it but it was basically like because I'm me. Did you do that or did your wife do that? I did it. But it was basically like because I'm going with my wife.

And like we're already. Nothing turns her on more than a bargain. Barely scraping by and having loads left, even though that's what you spend money on is holidays. Aye. You're like spending all that money to get there and then just just not closing the gap and making it exceptional um no i did it um just finances i was like great let's

stick within my budget instead of being ridiculous right so i saw on booking.com because i was like a fucking i've got a decent genius level from all the stackings i've booked um it give us a free upgrade for if you book the loft room, you get the water bungalow, which is the next biggest on the island from bottom. But you're going to have somebody living upstairs, essentially. And then when we get there, they were doing the rounds, like asking if anybody was celebrating anything.

And it was Natalie's birthday. So I just pointed out it was Natalie's birthday. And then they took one. Did anyone celebrate anything? Trump won. Trump won. It was actually that day. natalie's birthday yeah so i just pointed out it was natalie's birthday and then they took one anyone celebrate anything trump won trump was like yeah get in the fucking sea man i fucking like i barely like that that was another thing about like putting my phones away we're like oh we don't have to watch the fucking facebook fallout of this like we're not watching the news we're not getting any news reports like the trump the trump election practically passed me by what a fucking beauty

to just have your heat literally in the sand for that one um but i don't like i was watching people can't like know about celebrating stuff i was like you idiots just make something up like it's obvious what's gonna happen here so they just had a spare like um water bungalow villa thing whatever it was on stilts on the water on right on the beach line as well so they put in there so i got like one of the best vent like accommodations on the island well on the beach line as well. So they put one there. So I got like one of the best accommodations on the island. Well, kind of luck.

We're paying for the cheapest. So you could see sharks off that, like swimming around, the baby sharks. And when you're having dinner, you can see the baby sharks. And you were telling me that you have the guides,

have you get in with them and get photos? Did you scan in with them? Well, we swam with them. You swam with the sharks, right? So I knew all that was going on

and the sharks are fine and they don't bite and they've got enough food on the island that they don't need to feed on a meal that's going to make them exert energy. Yeah, and also something way fucking bigger. What's the point for them to attack humans when they're not desperate? Right.

That said, I was obsessed with a reef edge right like the reason the water is like so turquoise and then so jet black like when you see the like textbook pictures of the maldives where it's like sand turquoise blue dark blue that's because it's all coral reef and then it drops off like a cliff edge that's what the color changes but when you're swimming in the water and you get to that cliff edge, it's all shallow, shallow, shallow, bumpy rocks. You don't want to put your feet down.

You're kind of doing breaststroke without kicking your legs because you don't want to stub your toe. It's fucking hostile terrain when you're going out and then you get to the cliff edge and you can just level your body out and the fucking whole place just comes to life. It's like finding Nemo.

It's like all the different colourful fish, some of them fucking big, some of them little. These weird like fucking Rhinoceros nosed fish That just seem to swim Towards you When you weren't looking

And then you look back At them and they're like Nah nah nah Not me Like one of the Mario characters One of the baddies on Mario There's one of them

Isn't there On the Mario level Where they're walking Towards you Until you face them Yeah Maybe Who knows

So there's just all these Like they're these Like kind of long just like look like the japanese dragon kind of things just like like curiously swimming alongside you it's just wonderful like everything's mint and sometimes like shoals and shoals to the point that like you're looking at tens of thousands of fish in your visual range at all time and i was just like just breathtaking and what i'd taken to doing was swimming down like breathing out my nose swimming down and then like when it gets a bit too much on

my ears like pop my ears swimming down a bit further but like using the the rocks to carry myself like and then because it's just a fucking cliff edge so yeah you reverse mountaineering down the thing and then you'll get under like a little bit of a ridge and it's just like this fucking massive like just look like a goldfish but it was that big and its eyes were like pure saucers like ridiculous cartoonishly big eyes a little fella so you're just like discovering the fucking world around you and i come up and um my goggles were steaming up because i was breathing out through my nose while i was going down so they steamed up and I start like fucking treading water

with just my legs so you're thrashing about quite a bit getting a bit of spit on my goggles put them back on go back under and mate

I mean you kind of see when you're watching this podcast but you can see about the distance of the end of the room away there's just a fucking

full blown shark like a full actual shark not like the little baby sharks that we've been looking at that they're telling you to go and swim with not a great weight but i'm guessing it was a reef shark um it's certainly not bull shark because i think bull sharks are fresh water and you'd be dead is that right yeah bull sharks bull sharks are like because i looked up blue sharks as well

and they're like kind of they look have like weird eyes i don't have a visual memory but like to like that's what i said in natalie i was like i like because i didn't i don't get to have a screen capture of like what it was i couldn't even tell you if it was facing left to right or right or left take a memory of it like like i really genuinely think i'd be suffering trauma if i could have a visual memory i feel like that would haunt us what i saw because it was just everything you've been told to fear in your life like as a child as an adult just like they're the monsters they're the world's monsters right there like that's the monster under the bed and it's fucking i think i've always remembered you saying it was about the size of me like six foot like that would be a record-breaking reef shark if that was true.

They grow up to like four and a half feet. Aye. So I was saying that to a guy last night and he was like, so about the size of me? So it was that, like everything underwater looks a bit bigger than what it is, right? But it looked like, it looked bigger than me. Yeah. The distance it was. And it's like, you don't know how far

away something is you don't know how big something is you don't know what you've got your goggles on right but it was just this fucking looming massive because that's the thing as well you've got this fucking reef that's all just like sunshine and light and rays of light and color and colorful fish and everything and then just like 90 degrees to your right it's just the deepest darkest blue ocean like midnight blue and like sometimes you can see like shoals of fish but they're like they're so in the distance that like you can barely make them out so you can always see like bits of movement in there and it always kind of creeps you out so the two or three times i've been there up to that point i had to swallow my finger i'd been bleeding i cut my finger on the reef right and you could

like see like plumes of blood coming out my my finger his eyes tie like Bruce in Finding Nemo he's like oh no so I so I I'm like thrashing away right

that'll help thrashing away bleeding what's the worst that could happen again I got under and mate

there's a fucking monster like even even if you tell me that's not gonna bite me aye and it's already fed aye I don't know And mate There's a fucking monster Like Even Even if you tell me That's not gonna bite me Aye And it's already fed

Aye Like you know If I If I saw a bear in the woods Or if I saw a tiger In the jungle or something And you were like Oh no

They just wanna play Mm-hmm You're not hanging around To find a dude are you Aye Also I don't wanna play With a shark That's not true

The baby sharks I would absolutely play with a shark. That's not true. The baby sharks I would absolutely play with. Because it was, you know, even if... When you see baby sharks it crosses your mind how big a bath would I need to have one of these at home? Because they're cute. Kind of cute. They've got their own song.

So if I was, right, with a diving crew, like everybody was kind of in on the experience, we're going under the water and they were like, oh, there's a reef shark. Like, just be careful. Just look at it. Don't swim towards it. Just a little bit of like putting a piece of mind.

It's already fed the day. It's already ate. It's not going to bother you. That one does look skinny and hungry. I don't know where that, that one looks. Why is it licking its lips? I've never seen a shark's tongue How does it lick its lips So it couldn't

It's going to have loads of ulcers Oh it's fine It's now just eating itself Because of all the blood in the water It's confused It's Oh what a poor I think we should kill this shark

I think this is That shark have turkey teeth So The Oh I get that right your teeth so uh the what was i getting at right the if there was some reassurance if like that's why i was there to look for this shark there's a bunch of other people all with the same goal and that like there's an instructor right any of that shit where they're just like oh pose for a photo like with underwater camera and shit right like i would have still been a bit fearful but my mind would have been at rest mate i was the only one snorkeling it was fucking nearly sunset it was like 4 30 or something like i had

like another good half an hour a good daylight uh before it started getting a bit gloomy down there and there was no one around from the rocky reef at this point like it's the rocky reefs underneath us um but like about the height of this wall away from your feet so you have to swim down to get at it okay right but then it like it arches up pretty fast and it hits the rocks pretty fast right but i'm just at the reef edge where like it's like there's two of me body lengths before i'm like touching the ground so it's not like i'm just in the shallows with a shark for a little fucking holiday experience. Like the sedated tiger photo. It wasn't like it didn't feel like that.

It was like the actual fucking wild animal in the deep blue yonder. And I would love to have seen my face. I would love to have seen just me jaw drop and the snorkel just drift away from me i would have loved to have been on the uh i would love to been on the uh just standing on the reef and just seeing the bit where you went underwater and then just seeing like seven separate bubbles come up just making different pitches of shrieks? Aye. All from different holes. Just one brown one. One of them would be cock, brown one. Aye, it looked dense as well.

It was just fucking heavy. It was just, it was fucking, it was rocks. It was rock solid. A kangaroo in the seas. It was like Vito Belfort before you saw her. It was like that dense, test-up Brazilian. But it wasn't swimming. It was just looming.

It was not waggling of its tail and out. It was just fucking there, just hovering past. And I was like, hell no. I wasn't stopping to just gawk at it. I wasn't hanging around to, is at it I wasn't like hanging around Is there any more? Whereas it's made So I got pretty fast back to the fucking rocks More splashing and more bleeding

Great choice Yeah so I mean I just waited for it to go away Well I mean Was it your thumb that was bleeding? It took me an extra year She'd be like fuck I need to get rid of all temptation. Suck me thumb.

I mean, what difference does it make? My arse is always bleeding. I shouldn't be in the water. Just a trail of blood coming out of my arse. The shark just like floating on the trail of blood, trying to find it. A pepula puce smell on a pie. one at me arse the shark just like floating on the trail of blood trying to find us get to the rocks and i kind of gathered that like because can i gather they don't have legs so i felt i was safe i just feel like we're having the like dexterity of human limbs on the rocks

and moving around right like i'm a bit more at home then even though like you can't really stand up and fucking do it right i'm like the the shark isn't gonna belly up on these rocks you know the what the what has come due to a really shallow depth to take it that's why natalie didn't come out of the reef lane was because she was just like i don't want to navigate these best thing would have been based on your theory that it's not coming over there. If the shark just fucking free-willied over the ridge and into the... Oh, okay. Oh. Just fucking...

I just feel, oh, okay, with the fucking shark. Boom, like that, done. Just watch it just flap back. Oh, yeah, with a broken back. Just come back to the shoreline. No, I meant you. If you're arcading a fucking shark... I'm just coming back to the shoreline. I meant you you're arcane a fucking shark I'm just coming back to the shoreline

we're eating good tonight Nally I would just love it if the shark jumped into the other bit and then it's fucking 300 feet between you and your house

and the shark's like fucking out looks like I'm going back to Sweden just getting rounded up oh because it's that thing you know

if there was like if you're out on the shoreline just in the shallow waters or whatever and there's a fin in the water wheeling and just getting rounded up oh because it's that thing you know if there was like if you're out on the shoreline just in the shallow waters or whatever and there's a fin in the water and somebody showed a shark and then everyone looked and saw the shark in the distance everyone would fucking scream and panic and run that was me screamed and panicked and ran fucking i'm like i've got quite a way to go to get back to the digs right and it's they kind of that shallow water where like i didn't want to fucking stub me to on the rocks and all that well it's not even about stubbing at all you can't really stand up on the rocks

because they've just got life all over them they've got like clams and fucking sea slugs and snails and shit like there's all kinds of just shit going on on the rocks where you kind of really walk back um so i'm just trying to pull myself along the shoreline. I get back in and I'm like still fucking high as a kite. Explain to Natalie what had just happened. Like the fucking, obviously the shark got a couple extra feet put on it until I did a bit of a Google.

Natalie, I don't know if you've ever, while you're Googling there. In a massive cock. While you're Googling there, can you Google menclodon? Extinct for fucking two million years. I don't know what I saw. I don't know what I fucking,

you go out there then, prove me wrong. You come on. She's out there. She's doing that shit to Chloe. I know my wife's dead great. I clucked my wife to death. So, he said shivering

shivering in 30 degree it's cold it's freezing it's freezing it's a really warm ocean so

so again I tell him what's happened I'm fucking puffing and panting pacing the floor going for a shower

and I just caught myself in the shower just for ages with my head in my hands thinking about what had just happened to me thinking about

what had just happened to me like man I've been fucking trampled by bulls I've done the biggest bungee jump in Europe doesn't sound as cool

does it not the biggest in the world but it's a different order but it is cool you know what's cool about the one in Europe. Yeah. Doesn't sound as cool, does it? Not the biggest in the world, but. It's a different order. But it is cool. You know what's cool about the one in Europe compared to the big one in South Africa? The one in South Africa is off a bridge

and it's akin to free falling because you're just open space all around you. Is it Africa or New Zealand? One of the two. I think they've both got a similar one. They're the next two biggest ones, anyways. The one in Locarno in Switzerland The Vesace Dam

It's the one off Golden Eye If you've seen Golden Eye It's at the beginning It's meant to be in Russia In Golden Eye But it's in Switzerland in real life He bungee jumps in Golden Eye Aye

He does like He bungee jumps off the dam And then kind of unclips himself As he comes back up I can't remember how the scene goes But he bungee jumps into a Like nuclear bunker. Oh, right, okay.

That's in a dam, but it's that dam. And what's mad about that is when you bungee jump off it, you feel relatively close to a wall. So the walls whiz in past years, you plummet like 750 feet or whatever that is. So anyway, I've had extreme thrills in my life and that was too much for us that coming face to face with a shark in deep blue and i was like far too much and uh i just have me i just have myself a moment in the shower where like i've tapped i've tapped into

my brain like my body's just doing this while my brain is just fucking racing like processing the chemical dump that i've just had it come face to face with a shark face to face i fought off a shark i come back from the apartment from the bathroom and i went to natalie i don't think i'm okay room and I went to Natalie I don't think I'm okay she was like come and have a sit down and give us a wee cuddle it would have done nothing it would have done absolutely nothing like you fucking see pictures of like people just with sharks posing with there all the time

But Just speaking of Bungie jumping and skydiving I watched this Video I say video I watched a Fucking YouTube short

Yesterday About this Australian chick Right Survived A skydive That was not a skydive Right

Uh huh What do you mean Survived a skydive Well was not a skydive. Right? Uh-huh. What do you mean? Survived a skydive where a parachute didn't open? Worse. She fell out of a plane that she wasn't meant to be jumping out of? Better.

It was like, she is, right? She was on a podcast recently. I wish I had her name. We'll take a break for two seconds. I'll go Google it, make sure it's all true.

But from the fucking show I've seen, right? She jumps out of a plane She's in Switzerland Right She's got an instructor To hatch her back Right They go down

25,000 feet 50,000 feet Whatever the fucking heights are And about like 5,000 feet She's like This is about the time When fucking parachutes

Are meant to come out And he's like He's going to tap her on the shoulder When it's going to happen Right Nothing 3,000 feet and he's like he's going to tap her on the shoulder when it's going to happen right nothing 3,000 feet nothing

she's like Steve Steve knows the parachute and then just like a tangled parachute just sort of like goes in front of her face and she's like well

I mean this this has got to be it guy's not screaming I've not watched the full fucking story I don't know if he's unconscious if he's unconscious,

if he's passed out, or whether he's just like fucking, this bitch is going to break my fall here. This will be all right. Right? She fucking lands with a dude attached to her back. Right? Does not die.

Not only does not die, does not fall unconscious. Right. So she just gets back up? Man, cut on her back, falls unconscious straight away. What do you mean unconscious? Like, they fell from a plane, terminal velocity, hit the, what did the land on?

The ground. Like, just fucking aft. They just hit the earth? Yeah. And they were shying. Little bit of blood and a spit. Still got all that teeth.

Baby tongue, I think. Ah, that really knacked. How's your arm? He's out. There's no one around him. Right?

There's no one there so she with him on her her back has to get up and carry him to safety what do you mean safety

more people foul on them that's not they're in safety that's safe now you're on the earth now he's unconscious he's bleeding he's sustained all the injuries

she fucking should have sustained aye but I say that I say that she was in like She was in fucking Obviously An unbelievable amount of pain

Aye But like But Fine Man she was on a podcast Talking about it Right with a spring in her step And a fucking

She was funny about it Dad's got a spring in her step And she's fucking Boonst off the floor Did they like I would love to know If they like Splatted third Or if they kind of like Tumbled and boonced Or hidden in clean Or Just fucking bounced off the floor I would love to know If they like splattered third

Or if they kind of like Tumbled and bounced Or hidden in clean No they're not tumbling and bouncing It's straight down Like you're tumbling and bouncing If you fucking Even if you hit the water

Jumping off the golden gate bridge That's fucking Like that's water And not a skydive You're dead Look right Respect where respect's due I understand this is a horrific joke

To fucking make here. Liam Payne fell off a first-story balcony. Mm-hmm. Aye. You're not living from a skydive. Right, and died. And died. Because, like, the angle, right,

that is not to fucking disparage that tragic fucking death. But fell off a balcony, cracked his fucking head. That's what happens. That's how easy it is to die from falls. That's what happens when you reach a speed of Like whatever it is 300 mile an hour-ish It matters not even about the fucking speed

It's about how you fucking land People fall over and die off of curbs And crack their head in the wrong fucking way And that's them I just from the fall of getting punched And falling over Can you imagine how Fucking Not devastating To be the fucking guy of getting punched and falling over. Can you imagine how fucking,

not devastating, to be the fucking guy, right? To just know, I survived, I survived a fucking 10,000 feet fall. How'd you do that? I landed on a woman. What?

A woman broke my fall. Oh my God, that's awful. You landed on like A random woman Like walking through the street Nah No I kinda Yeah

I kinda like Human airbagged her She was attached to me No that's not why I had her there That's not why I had her there I was the professional I attached an amateur

To my belly To fall through the sky Just to give her the experience And then landed on her. Fuck, was she okay? Yeah, man, she got me to the fucking hospital. She did CPR on us. Man, it's like,

that's the more extreme version of having man flu when your wife's pregnant. Like, you just don't get it. Because also, there would have been a point where he's like, he's an experienced skydiver, he's the one at the back. He knows how to skydive, right also there would have been a point where he's like he's an experienced skydiver he's the one at the back

he knows how to skydive right there would have been a point when they were falling where they were like oh look we're both gonna die anyway

I could at least like flip over so that she doesn't see the earth coming and I break her fall even though we're both gonna die and I died doing

what I loved a woman landed on my cock he chose not to do that he chose not to take the hit he was like i could take the hit yeah and even though we're both gonna die i'll let her take the hit i don't know that you could have been back there flapping flapping yep just practically fucking flying trying to fly he may have done it i mean look don't you get the video up should Should we see this bitch? Yeah. Let's watch it.

Let's do a reaction video. Oh, no, no. We can... So, hang on. Is there a face camera? Is there a skydive face camera? No, no. Is there a face camera on here?

Like, is that... Because you're seeing this footage of this. Is the footage from, like, someone's ring doorbell or is it, like, part of the skydive package? Someone's ring doorbell is part of the skydive package. I had done a skydive in the same week that I'd done that bungee jump, and it was very funny watching me mate coming into land because the skydive instructor fell forward onto him and flattened him on his face, and that was really funny.

He went like land on a bit of a run in land And they just Oh it's not her She's the one in the American And the one in the Aussie Apparently this has happened more than once This keeps happening to women Here we go Emma Carey's life, but now she knows she survived.

Emma Carey, hardest person I've ever spoken about, I think. Lived for a reason. I just remember thinking, there's no way I'm going to survive this. You don't imagine you can fall from that height without slowing down and survive. There is camera. It's anybody's worst nightmare, jumping out of a helicopter, your parachute not opening. I just was certain I only had, you know, 10 seconds left to live.

But this is a story about luck. How Amber Carey fell from 14,000 feet and lived to tell the tale. I was awake for the exact moment that my life changed. The then 20-year-old had set off on the traditional Aussie pilgrimage to Europe, ready for an adventure of a lifetime with childhood best friend Gemma Murdoch. We'd saved hard, we'd worked hard, we had looked forward to this trip for... Yeah, yeah, yeah, who are you, friend? Completely against it, didn't want to do it.

She's not even disfigured or anything? As Emma jumped, the exhilaration was etched on her face. Falling through the clouds, It was everything she dreamed of. For the free fall, I loved it. I just remember feeling, having this overwhelming feeling of like, I'm exactly where I'm meant to be. And it just felt so calming. The instructor taps Emma on the shoulder to warn her

the shoot is about to open. So I felt the tap on the shoulder to warn her the chute is about to open. So I felt the tap on my shoulder and then I felt my hair kind of be ripped backwards. I thought that's weird, like they didn't warn us about that. That's when Emma realised they weren't slowing down, the ground below becoming ever closer. I tried yelling out to my instructor and he wasn't responding. And I thought, maybe he just can't hear me. And then I remember seeing a tangled up red parachute in front of me instead of above me. So it must have done a job of slowing them down. It must have done a job of slowing them down, even just the bit of...

Yeah, yeah, some drag. It would have done, like, enough. Yeah. Parachute early enough. Instead, when he finally did, it was the exact same moment the safety chute automatically deployed. Both chutes became tangled, strangling the instructor, forcing him to pass out. What went through your mind when you were plummeting towards the ground? So I don't know how Matthew's doing this in terms of edit.

So the safety parachute comes out, dangles with the already fucked parachute, wraps itself around the instructor's neck and chokes him out while she's falling. You know what? This guy is the Michael Collins of the skydive. Everyone remembers Neil Armstrong because she hit the ground first. I remember thinking, oh my God, Gemma's going to have to find me on the ground. I remember thinking about my family.

And the main thing I remember feeling is just kind of regret for not embracing my life fully up until that point. Emma crash-landed face down in a field. The instructor was strapped to her back. She couldn't move. It was when I tried to roll the instructor off me and tried to stand up that I realised

I was completely paralysed from the waist down. Gemma landed safely from her dive a few minutes later, unaware what had happened to Emma. The first thing I saw was just her laying on her stomach blood all over her face um crying in hysterics screaming that she couldn't feel her legs a rescue chopper was called in to fly emma to hospital okay so she didn't walk away so it's not as impressive as i said but it's still like that's me adding a bit of sauce to an already very spicy meatball. Fucking take away.

So she seemed like she's made a full recovery then. I don't know. She was in a chair, wasn't she? I don't know if she was in a wheelchair. I mean, I'll watch the fucking video later. Fuck me dead. Yeah, that would be the worst. Parachute not open.

But living through it, absolutely i bet i bet she's never on her phone or now yeah living in the moment i bet i bet man no i think i think i think phones are more powerful than that no man there's nothing the fucking tiktok algorithm can throw at you to make your brain cells have like oh that's exciting oh that's exciting and 10 seconds of oh it's all over it's fucking done i'm gonna die with a fucking human backpack and just be fucking mushed because i suppose even when i had the bull run incident like i didn't know how bad that was until i saw the photos like i knew i fell i knew that fell. I knew that I could feel the balls rushing past, but because nobody took my story seriously,

oh yeah, you're another one that got close to it. Like, I didn't get the, I didn't get the process me like flashing in front of my eyes.

Yeah. It wasn't like that. So like, the shark was. With the shark incident, you know exactly what she went through. Yeah.

Don't see me on the news Talking about it It's just fucking fuss That's the difference Between men and women We just don't fucking go on And put it off the table I'm going to go Grab another drink

Check the time And then do a wee ad for it Before we move on Yes And actually Depending on what time this is We're going to do a Q&A now Have you got time for that?

Yes Right So that'll be for the Patreon though So we'll do the We'll do the Q q a on patreon if you're not subscribed to patreon get yourself over to patreon slash muggins and cream sloss and humphries you'll fucking find where and um and subscribe for three point a month you can only date if you want date for one month and then like like delve into the archive and watch some of the cool shit that we've done over the years. And then decide if you want to stay on.

You don't need to commit yourself to a monthly subscription. You just need to chuck three quid in and then watch some stuff and go, is this for me? Is it not? And then leave if you want. But that's where the Q&A is going to be.