Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Dr Johnny Rocks (Ft. Ryan Cullen)

Episode Date: February 5, 2025

Daniel and (Bald Man Scoops) Ryan Cullen kick off the podcast with some gentle racism that leads to making money gambling. They talk about the layers of people they share their vulnerabilities with from partner to friends then DMing their favourite pop stars.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin, livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head to make you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rip job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or a Magical Beat Cynical Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglipedia Where have you been since 9-11?

There's a question. There's a question. There's a good racist question at the start of the podcast. Okay. What? What were those Chinese people whispering about so much that we called it Chinese whispers? Oh.

Right, it didn't come from nowhere. I'm not saying it's right. I'm not saying that like the Western idea that they're being sneaky and they're passing secrets along to each other, but they're not able to get the secrets to each other because they're being so sneaky. I'm not saying that's valid, right? Yeah. It all comes from something, right? The reason we're like all black people have big decks, even though they don't is because heaps of them do though. Heaps of the match will do though. That would be a nightmare. I think if you were black with a tiny cock. I know a black guy with a small dick. I know a black guy with a small dick.

No. Yeah. He's god. How is that? He's absolutely god. I mean that's just devastating. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Right. That's like, He's gay though. He's gay though. And I don't know if he's gay, he's back in gay or age squared as we call it. You know when you see like a seven foot Chinese basketball player. Yeah. And you're like, what happened there? Yeah.

That's kind of like, I feel like it's the tiny Dick. If you're black is a genuine. Yeah. It must be awful. It'd be like, imagine, imagine being a good Asian driver. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, technically people always say that because

apparently remember my formula one bets. Yeah. Where you would just put bets on both Asians to not finish the race. It is this this stir and how often it comes in. It started as a bit and then you start making profit. I was like, Yuki Sanada, he knows where a wall is when he needs to. My God, can you imagine if they start adding women? I'd be up millions. It's hilarious. I've failed my tests so many times. Yeah, but that's like the, that's the thing I think sometimes the left

don't really understand is like sometimes when you. Sorry, Colin, do you mind putting the bottle on the table? Just so it smacks the mic. Oh my course do you fucking savage. You fucking dirty pig. You neanderthal. There's the things I think like the left don't really

get sometimes when it comes to like stereotypes is sometimes the reason you're making fun of something is just because you want to make fun of something. And the humor isn't just making fun of the thing. It's the jokes that you can extrapolate from it. For example, right, Elliot Steele regularly goes to the gym, right, goes to the gym. The joke in the group is that he's fat, right?

Yeah, yeah. He's not fat. He goes through chubby faces like we all do. But regardless of how good shape he's in, the fun is finding new creative ways to call him fat. Yeah, yeah. You have to find something. And the more you dig for it,

it means you went right out of your way to do it. It gets funnier, yeah. And that's why I feel sometimes I'm able to get away with like heaps of sexist stuff with Gannett because she knows that like for both of us it's the, this is wrong. If I meant it, but the reason it's fun is because it's that sort of safe violation. It does get a bit iffy when it gets to the, I think South Park did it best and they worked and continued to do it the best. Like you can make fun of it,

as long as you're making fun of everything and it's just for the sake of fucking humor, then great. But where did Chinese whispers come from? They all- It's also a nightmare of a place to come from. I know what they've labeled the Chinese whispers, but like there's so many, it's really going to get lost in translation. I feel like Chinese whispers is the only way Chinese people can get the real news now.

Because you've seen their fucking AI that they developed for 57 pence and they can just fucking churn out in a factory. It's like a thousand times better than like all of the ones that you've heard the story, right? Yeah. So all of the Americans like, we are the pioneers. We're the greatest. We fucking we've done AI. And then China's like, oh, by the story, right? Yeah. Yeah. So all of the Americans like, we are the pioneers. We're the greatest. We fucking we've done AI and then China's like, Oh, by the way, we heard you did it. So we just did it this way. Then she put it in his bear. So there, yeah. So their ones are, but theirs is like, I saw a great fucking real the other day, which was like, if you ask, if you ask, what's it called? Their one is it called Chinese whispers? I'm not sure what their one's called, but I saw that, um, open AI Sam Altman was complaining

that they stole the data from them. You fucking dweeb. Give that kind of wedgie. Even though open AI stole all their data in the first place. Yeah. They're stealing all the data. Where does open AI get all the answers from? Oh, you know, the Google and the internet

and all the information there. Right, yeah, yeah, great. You're just angry you've found someone to actually get the information. It's called DeepSeek. DeepSeek, right. So if you type into DeepSeek, what was, I don't know, the main character in 1984,

because I've not read it, because people ruined it by quoting all the time. But like, what job did he do? And his job was to work for the ministry and make sure that only the relevant information got out to the people there. So they ask deep, not deep, deep seek, deep fakes, way different.

That's deep see that and he gives the answer. And then they go, what happened? Oh, can you find me an image of a man with grocery bags standing in front of a tank? No, we cannot. That has never happened. What are you talking about? I saw one where someone was typing in like what major events happened in that year. And then the AI starts typing out like one and it's like one thing and then it gets to two. It's like the Tiananmen square massacre that just deletes itself.

It's like a very much deep seek is like that bit in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone where they go to visit Hagrid and he starts talking about dragons. It's like, Oh, I've said too much. I've said too much. That's an entire thing. I did enjoy the Tik Tok guy getting questioned in an American parliament. Oh, the Singaporean. That was just the most uncomfortable fucking razor. So what part of China are you from? Sir, I'm from Singapore. Okay. But do you have like a Chinese passport or a... I'm sorry. I have a Singaporean passport.

Okay. What does the following sentence mean to you? Ching chong, ching chong, ching chong, noodles flight rise number 62. Huh? It means life. Rest up man. Sir, I am Singaporean. Yeah, he was just, he was so like, you could see it just like, you know that thing, like he basically was like fucking Americans. You could see it in his eyes. So just out of curiosity off the top of your head, what is the going rate from where you're from for a sucky sucker?

Is it $5? Is it $5? Sir, I am from Singapore. Can we get a translator in here? He's talking like, That man's Chinese. Can we get a translator in here? Hello, I'm from Japan. Perfect. Bring me in a rickshaw. I want to see something. Sir, I want you to take a look at this phone. Does it look completely normal to you?

Yeah, it looks absolutely fine. Can you fix that for me? Like, what, we got like an hour left in this deposition. Sir, I am Singaporean. Don't steal all the parts when you open it. That's what my dad used to always say. It was his thing. That was his most racist thing.

He could be right. Nah, he would sit around going, he would sit around going, he'd be like, oh, well, I can't get them fixed in any of the Chinese shops because they'll just steal the whole rest of the insides when they're putting it back together. And I'm like, the phone wouldn't work then. Just like a Chinese guy would be like, okay, so I've taken out the hard drive, I've taken out the camera lens, I've taken out the battery.

Oh look, his bank details, all the other notes, all the pictures of his kids. Oh, he doesn't notice that his phone's lighter. All Polarized inside. I never knew it worked like that. Oh God. Yeah. Good old Singaporean though. What did you learn in Chinese whisper? a helicopter? I can't even work out how that would happen. For those that might not get it, one of the most hack lines in comedy, especially in the UK, I haven't seen it done for fucking years, but it's now gone the other way because it's now just about to make comedians laugh, which is if somebody's talking in the audience or whispering to their friends about the show,

you go, where did you learn to whisper in a helicopter? Right, it's hack shit. We were in Baradorn once and we went to see a fucking shit racist comedian just for the experience. And five comedians at the back of the room, the guy's fucking doing his, too fucking, like just using the word packy freely, is every fucking joke.

We're just like, Jesus Christ, crowd losing their mind. Of course they are, right? They think it's the greatest thing they've ever seen in their life. And then some guy starts talking. We haven't laughed this whole show. We're just there, miserable.

Some guy starts whispering and the committee goes, what did you learn to whisper? Under a helicopter. And we're like, under? Under, you can't even do hack right? Like fucking, how under? Like sure, if a helicopter's just taken off, you definitely go to hell under.

I would say 99% of the time you're under a helicopter. It's fine to whisper. It's famously far away. Under a helicopter. Under a helicopter under a helicopter Yeah Um, I don't I don't know what else and i'm not really up on the old ai I don't really know what's going on with it. I'm i'm awful for it, right? They my algorithm is all fucking bleeding heart lefty liberal shit, right?

So i'm getting all the fucking guilt all the time and they're like, did you know? That uh, it's the power it takes for chat gbt to get you like one answer So I'm getting all the fucking guilt all the time. And they're like, did you know that the power it takes for chat GPT to get you like one answer? Like, is it like a bottle of water? Like, just the amount of energy it takes for one question is to search the entire internet, work out what you mean, what the best answer is said through. It's such a waste of energy.

And every fucking day I'm just like, what is today's answers for the New York Times crosswords? There's a website you can go to, but I want you to list the answers for me. Is it an app? I've asked this. Just in case Gareth Wallis listens to this, right? That's the daily crossword. It's not the mini. I'll not have your fucking I beat you in that fair and square connections Good connections is great. I'm nice. Great Strands is now told me about this. Don't know it

Straight. It's kind of like a word search. It's not fucking best. I do all four with G every day We do word. Oh, we do connections great fun. We do strands. We do the mini G regularly He regularly beats me on the, I would say we're about 55, 45, 55 being him on Werdell. Connections, he tends to slay me. Strands, 50, 50, the mini, fucking, he should have a disabled car parking patch. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Not a strong point.

No, no. Are you better at the words of the numbers on cross when you're playing countdown? I'm not good at numbers. I was already at Sudoku for a bit. Like I got into Sudoku for about three weeks. Okay. Just when I deleted all social media off my phone. Yeah. Yeah. I then was like, Oh, well, how do I spend 17 hours on my phone still? Yeah. Like, I'm not gonna, like, that was the habit I was trying to break, but I can't break, staying on my screen, so.

I was just like, Sudoku, that's gonna make me smarter. And that's a Singapore job, isn't it? Sudoku. Is it? I don't know. You sound like them. And when did you? Them? How dare you?

No, no, the fucking US politicians. This is me that said that. When did your people invent the Sudoku? Is it some sort of code breaker? Is that what you're doing? You're sticking it in our magazines and our newspapers every weekend? It's a crossword. I'm from Singapore. I'm from Singapore. What's so special about your fried rice? Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, it's just- And what part of China is Singapore?

And- Well, I mean, you ask a Chinese person, they'll give you a different answer. Yeah. Yeah. But they'll always do change whispers. That's the whole education system is Chinese whispers. So it's here that Sudoku was invented in the U S. Those dumb cunts. Yep. And that was popularized in Japan and hence they named it. Oh, so they had originally called number place. Oh, yeah. That's why I didn't, that's why I didn't slap. Yeah.

But Sudoku in Japanese means number single. Yeah. You can't, you can't call monopoly late stage capitalism. The board game. Yeah. You got to call it what it, It gave it like a fucking pizzazz name. Um, I was going to do, this is the bet that you can get caught if you want any details. It's leading on to something, right? But, uh, you've had a rough couple of months. Yeah. So my wife is like, obviously she loves you dearly.

She will like, how's Colin doing? I'm like, yeah, fine. And then like this month, we're one of the most, I was like, oh, he's not fine. He's fine. He opened up the group, told us that he was having a rough time. There's this message of all this stuff going on. And she was like, can I see him? Like, yes. So I show her your message. We're just walking around the shop and she was like, oh my God, he's having such a hard time. I'm like, yes, brutal. And she's like, why, why was your response to that? A person in a man's city Jersey, taking his shirt off and running around and celebrating. And I'm like, Oh, it's the Aguero late minute winner against Chris Elbas. 2012.

It's one of the most famous gold celebrations. She's like, I get what it is. Why are you putting that in when he's just opened up about how hard his life is? I'm like, fuck it. I'll tell you why. Because if I was to go on Instagram, don't like you tell me how sad he is, what's been going on with his life. But if I was to go on Instagram, post a picture of me and Cullen together being like, God gives us toughest battles to the strongest soldiers. I'm so proud of this boy. I'm with him through thick and thin. The world's choice to meet me. He would kill himself the next fucking day. That would be the final straw. Oh man.

That would be it. You can have a, I think this is like the difference sometimes with men. Men don't talk about their feelings. I think a lot of the time we do. Like I feel myself. He's killed immediately. Yeah, yeah, it's like, yeah, man, all right, life's tough, fucking, yeah, cool. You opened up, good. Right, what's step two?

You had your little cry, now what's up? What's your second step? I don't know. Cause like anytime I've opened up to any of the fucking boys, you just have to emotionally prepare yourself for the first 10 minutes. It's going to be a roast and then you'll get some private messages of being like, Hey man, are you all right? But I think that's it's probably not healthy.

Yeah. Now while message me sent didn't ask. It's like out to the group as well as even funnier kind of private message. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I always see it as like the, but my justification for it is you've got to let the person go through a rough time that even though like they're in our world of their head, they things might be going wrong and they might feel fucking isolated. They might feel like, you know, they're not keeping up with everything.

That we're all the same. It's all the same, right? As long as, as long as your complaint isn't guys, I really, my mental health isn't guys, I really, my mental health isn't tired because of the abuse I get in this group. And we're all like, that's when it's bad. But if it's like life is hard, things are going wrong for me. The boys just start making fun of it. You're like, Oh right. This is a constant. This is, I know this is their way of showing that they're here for me. Like, you know, I mean the group chat got lit. A lot of us, a lot of us are dads. It takes, it takes a lot for all 10 boys to be on.

But when somebody's going through a hard time and you can kick them when they're down, I will ignore my child. If anyone gets cancer in any family of anywhere, even in the, even in the general from grandparents to aunts on like that is the sphere on each of us. So there's quite a big chance at all times. One, at least one's going on. Yeah. Elliot's dad, who we all love Mark's tail so much, got so much cancer. But Elliot was like, I don't know if he's going to make it.

And we're like, And he was like, I don't know if he's going to make it. And we're like, oh, if you just keep going, of course he's not looking at him. He's never going to fight anything else. Yeah. Yeah. I enjoy the, I think he's going to got cockroach things. Mark still kind of like me kind of as well. I have a cockroachy thing.

Always a little bit but never fully out. Yeah, yeah, it feels like. I've tried, I have a very tragic look, it's very funny. Yeah, I feel like you've been trying to bulk up on the other pair. It's my favorite bit of the group. Is, Karl has decided that, well, it's not decided, the doctor told him like,

hey, you need to put on some weight, please just eat a little bit more. So he's been obviously doing protein shakes and go to the gym. And we've just turned it into the drinking spunk all the time. I don't even remember how. I think the bit started off with you were like, I need more protein. And then we were all pretending to come up with things which were just our calm for you to enjoy, to bulk up. And then it just came,

you going on jogs like with one of those circular, like drinking bottles just filled with straps. You know the ones that the ones are strapped into your back and all? It just goes all the way back and directly into your own balls. That's very funny because every time you take a shock and you start chatting to people, it's like you've taken helium. Do you think it's hard for, do you think it's hard for like gays in relationships to like open this?

Like just yeah. Gays have relationships with each other. Like, cause obviously you get gay gays. My favorite type of gay is the poof, right? I love a flaming queen. I want, I want. We all know you love yourself, mate. I want, I want, I want. We all know you love yourself, mate. That's it. I want, I want the bitchiness. You need the.

Yeah, okay. The flamboyant bitchiness. Like you're backstage at a fucking RuPaul dressing up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I want it to be toxic. I want it to be vitriol. That's my favourite type of queer, right? But I do know a bunch of fucking gay lads

who are just fucking straight lads in disguise. Yeah, yeah, I know that, yeah. The gayness of them is like, they love cocking, they love coming, they love being bummed and bumming boys and stuff, but like they don't subscribe to anything else. Like one of my mates, Josh, just the biggest sports fan in the entire fucking world.

Dresses like I'm dressed now, but like your baseball cap, sports fucking gear. I'm like, if you're in a relationship with two of those, cause I feel like two queens together will be good. Right? When the mask drops, they're able to be there for each other emotionally, fucking yas, queen in each other.

Must be hard as gay guys, if you're too straight gay guys. Oh, okay, yeah. Because that's why, that's why as straight guys, we get women, right? The reason that, the guy's like, why you being so mean to the boys? I'm like, because all boys,

eventually, you got a girl that you can go to and be like, hey, this stuff's, you know, if I'm ever feeling vulnerable and awful about myself, first person that tells my wife, it's not the boys, I come to the boys eventually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to give them something to laugh at. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you need somewhere else first, yeah? Yeah. I DM Shakira. She's not replied to any of it, but that's where I put it all first. Imagine she read it, someday, it's like nine years full of stuff. You won't believe it today, Shakira.

I don't know your second name, sorry. Yeah. It's Shakira Shakira. That one, oh yeah, that's right. Yeah. The girls were nicely named her twice. Yeah, yeah. Imagine you do just every time you feel it down,

you just DM Shakira. How sad you are. And then like, and then like fucking two months ago, she just replied, it's been like the divorce has finally gone through with PK. He tried to get a punch from him and I got to say he never opened up to me. Yeah. The way you did. This is Joe go on a date.

I can't, I can't shag my diary. What my Frank? Yeah. Sorry. Not my, sorry. Famously shagged. That I? I'm Frank. Sorry. Not my type. Sorry. Not my type. Sorry. She Karen. Not my type. What the fuck was all that? She just seemed like someone I could get everything wrong to you. Like Genie in the bottles. My favorite song. It's not even the same race.

I've heard your feet aren't very good at telling fit. Yeah. I think that's how fast Pepe's car. That's not, I was married to PGA. That's not what I ask. BITCH. How's things with Ben Affleck? It's not me. That's not what I asked, bitch. I think it's a bit of an athlete getting up. It's not me. Yeah, you're Jennifer Lopez.

All South American women are Jennifer Lopez. What are you talking about? I nearly got in the car yesterday and punched a man in the head. Okay. I was driving my son to play group. Jeez, what did he do? Right.

Shut the fuck up. I was driving my son to play group. Jeez, what did he do? Shut the fuck up. I was driving my son to play group, right? And his play group's right beside the church and there was obviously a funeral on. Obviously. Yeah, obviously. That's where people go to die. And well, I mean, I say obviously,

because like his play group's in like a hall next to the church and the cafe is just frequented By old people just fucking seeing out time. Yeah, just fucking count down the clock. I can't like those days. Oh Just now yeah So I'm driving there so the horses outside and it's just the two I Don't know what her drivers are called But the fuck here she's And a guy who's not going to the funeral isn't part fucking anything just a guy just a man on a walk

Walks past the heart house and goes Yeah, does the yeah that was enough for me that you nearly had him flat I was waiting for so I keep right walks past the house and goes. Yeah. Does the, yeah. That was enough for me. That you nearly hit him flat. I was waiting for so much. Fuck it, right. First of all, there's so many.

Everyone does that. He did the Jesus cross thing. Yeah, yeah. He blessed himself. Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch. Right, he did that whole thing. Man, I've never, that's the strongest desire. Jesus, man.

I've had, keep kicking someone's fucking cotton. People in Ireland do it even when they're not religious anymore. No, that's even, that's, that's worse to me. Right. Yeah. I know people that do it when they still go back to church, not religious anymore and still breast themselves.

Nah. Grow up. I fuck superstition. I mean, I wouldn't do that. Fucking pathetic little superstition. Mind you saying that, I will salute a solo. What? Is it Crows? Magpie, no, solo Magpie.

You have to salute it. Yeah, if it's the only one with my Magpie, you've got to salute it. Salute us. That's salute, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My heart goes out to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And me to you. Yeah, I just, it irked me for so many fucking reasons. One, the superstition of it, right? I don't like,

my salute, my advice is a habit. Okay. It's just, my mum did it all the time, so I just sort of do it takes me fucking by way I don't think I don't think if I don't do it something bad will happen to me. Okay. Yeah. I fucking hate Comedians that have like a pre show ritual. I think that's super fucking lame

Don't do it. Yeah, I think it's super sick and I again you always hate the things and other people that you have in yourself I say this as a person in the first 20 of my gigs, I wore the exact same outfit every time. Yeah, yeah. Same shirt and all that. So again, but just as a grown man to walk by and then be like, oh God, this will protect me. What a dumb thing is if God's up there

with his fucking angel sniper rifle, picking off his next victim. And he went, there's one right there. There's a bit. Oh no. Even though he drew across and told me exactly where to aim. And even though he was making fun of the thing that killed my literal only son. You survive another day.

Like it's just so dumb to me. And also I think now. Another one wants it in the throat. The UK has become such a atheist place. Like I don't get why anyone says it's an atheist fucking country. Like any of the religious people are either just like really old and or gay, just fucking dweebs and losers

who like never got far enough away from their parents and grandparents that they were able to fucking think freely. And I just think, I think this is my way of appealing to the right way. If you fucking hate, right, all of the immigrants and you don't mean immigrants, you specifically mean Muslims and we all know you mean Muslims. If you hate Muslims coming over here, because in your heads, like they take over areas of town and they impose Sharia law and all that stuff and you want to get rid of that, right?

I agree with you in the sense that I don't think religion should ever be allowed to be a public thing. Ever. Okay, right? Ever. You want, not the serpents, you know, like people are like the separation of church and state, you just want the separation of the church. Yeah, yeah, you fuck off, fuck off. Until you pay full fucking taxes, full, and also reparations for the families forever, then yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't get to be, you don't get to be included in society

unless you actually fucking contribute it in a way that isn't dumbing down and riling up society. So dirty right wingers, right? All the racist ones, you want to get rid of the fucking Muslims. I'll agree with you, right? But the deal is, right? We batter all the Christians first. Anyone being Christian in public just gets their fucking head kicked in. Because it's got to be all religion. It's got to be all religion. It's got to be, you could do it privately. You can do it in your church. You can do it in your, wherever Mormons go. You can do it in your mosque.

You can do it in your synagogue. You can be religious in there, right? But the second you come out, you take your wee fucking collar off, right? You put real clothes on, right? And you fucking be part of society. You want people to put on real clothes. That's where you lost me there. You lost me at the end. You want to just like get that hijab off.

I said the collar thing. It's only the collar, but I know what you mean. You want all. I just don't. See you think, but I think religion is cancer in all forms. Yes. And despite, and I think Christianity is the worst. Yeah. Do you know, I was about to say, it's going to be quite funny when you say an old religion, because there's going to be a couple that are going to be like, this is harsh. We did nothing. Tell you who can stay. Like Sikhs. Sikhs can stay. Sikhs can stay. Who's the orange tambourine guys? Orange marches. No, not the prodies. The Hare Krishnas. Aye. Aye, they're fun. They could stay. But again, get out that costume. You can go down the street playing the fucking

tambourine, fucking put some dungarees on. So you think that you're really stuck on the outfit here. Yeah. You don't mind them doing the Hare Krishna stuff in the street. You just have to be wearing... That's just shaking the tambourine. What I'm saying is, like, if you're somebody who stands in the corner with a fucking sign talking about how we're all going to hell, you don't get the law that protects you from being assaulted apply to you. Yeah, okay. Right? If I, and that also goes for me, if I start doing stand up randomly on the street, you're allowed to kick my fucking head in. I'm allowed to do it in a comedy club because

that's where it fucking belongs. If you preach on the street, you get your head kicked. Do you know that street preaching? That's one I'm just like, get that out. That's definitely nonsense. You know, the people that's like fucking, you know, Jesus is going to fucking smite you, you piece of shit. And you say it because it's all madness. And it's all shouting at the kids and everything. And I'm like, standing in the middle of the street being like, you're going to die, you're going to go to hell, you're going to fucking burn. I'm like, man, people should be allowed to fucking kick your head. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They say, where's your God? No.

Like, um, I do think still wrong to go back. I'll I'll acknowledge I'll acknowledge that there might have been better. I don't think I was talking about the hijabs. When I was talking about take your silly costume off, I'll be honest. I was talking about the Hasidic Jews. No, yeah, they have to get that off. I remember, I can't remember what part of New York is, but I remember I spoke to Harry Shafir about this because I just had to ask him and he's the expert on Jews.

Going through it, excuse my ignorance here, Jews. I don't think it was acidic. I think it was a different sector cut off, but they just had these fucking massive hats. I'm talking cylindrical, two to three feet wide, fucking hats on their heads. and all the blokes were wearing it walking around. Yeah just bump heads like yeah and it makes like like fucking all the like African women from the adverts making this feel guilty bringing water home to their kids but just obviously with whatever Jews eat, not pork money. So. So. So.

So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So.

So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So.

So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. dare you when I specifically might take a call her off and you're like he hates the job goes straight to the cheesy money like Sonic the Hedgehog they've had a bad couple of years for the old PR mostly even before the whole fucking Israel

passing was the coming of the tunnels that got swept under the tunnels yeah I do remember the tunnels oh is that about very odd i don't want to go back into it but you know also i feel like the i feel like one of the reasons that jews might get a bit more hate and i'll say this because i i've felt it be me and it's nothing to do with the past two years like it's hard to tell uh christian kids right i think all i think all religion is indoctrination. I think if you were to give people, and if you were to not offer people religion at the age of five and offer it as a fact and let them maybe discover it after they're 18, the same that we do with drugs and alcohol and gambling and all these other dangerous things that can ruin your fucking lifestyle,

I think the amount of religious people in the world would reduce to 10%. I think you'd learn how to deal with life like a human being and not be like, Oh, well, I'll be forgiven in the afterlife or whatever. But it's hard to tell with young kids, whether they're fucking Christian or not, I guess not in America, because they're all fucking dweebs over there like the worst adoration that I always see is, I see it so many times in the airport, whenever I see a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,

a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, I love that. I feel like even they'd love that Cuz the due for those did not for the UK Jews are very nice sweet in the UK but like just little fucking kids with like the There's no way that that's what that kid yeah, it's yeah, there's no way the four-year-old is like I mean, maybe it is in the sense that you can do it when you grow up in that community and that's the fashion thing it It's all part of that. But not that young kid. No, no.

That's forced. Yeah. Yeah. Just fucking let them read comic books. Yeah. So the tour, I'm pretty sure the tour is like top to bottom. And then what do you mean the way they read it? So you know how you go up and down. Yeah. You know how the Chinese read backwards? What? I could be very wrong here. Where did they learn to read?

Under a helicopter. Would you learn to read a hall of mirrors? Oh wow, I didn't know that. I didn't know they went up and down. Yeah. God. I think so, I could be wrong here, but I feel like the Torah is a lot of up and down.

Though maybe I'm wrong because they love scrollss and I feel like up and down on a scroll Maybe that's why it has to be a scroll. No, no, they're fucking ages because then you're not Fucking edge. I Can you find out who Matthew? Don't create any of my other anti-Semitic and anti-Islam ignorance. Yeah, well, I think basically the main thing going through here is that religion is a cancer.

It really does compound the, well, it fucked Ireland completely, like, in fairness. Fucked every country it's been in. There is no country in the world, right, where it's like, we are a religious country This is purely fucking religious or for a hundred years. We were this fucking religious that is A good and safe country for everyone. Yeah, that doesn't exist. They always say things like oh denmark like fuck off

Fuck denmark I like that. I've never been. It's nice. It's nice. They get like the, they're kind of like the, maybe like the England of Scandinavia. Norway and Sweden hate each other.

Okay. And like everyone makes fun of Finland because they're all fucking crazy in Finland. And Iceland's just like their gay mate who's there and gets all those jokes. But like all four of those countries hate Denmark the most. Oh, that's funny. I didn't know that. Okay. Yeah. And if you go there and you say to Denmark, you're like the England of Scandinavia, they'll laugh and not realise that that's an insult. Oh God. They're like, yeah, we have a king and queen. We have a royal family. Yeah, we have a king and queen. We have a royal family.

Wow. The Tauros read right to left. Fuck. Fuck. Sorry Jews. Yeah. Sorry Jews. Sorry guys.

Yeah. Sorry. That's the worst disclaimer. Sorry guys. Sorry Jews. But it's right to left. So it's there. Oh, which one's it?

The Jews and the Chinese have been doing Chinese whispers. If you ask me, well, right to left. Normal. No, right. All right. To left. Oh, in words out. Yeah. Fuck's wrong. You people mad. I feel like there is a language that's written up and down, but in Ireland you read one letter on one page and you have to turn over the next page. It's the first letter on the next page and you keep going. Yeah, it's your version of a Sudoku. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you just called it letter plate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And some Singaporean guy was like, we're going to smash this.

So I don't, I'm going to quickly go for a wee wee and then we're going to talk about it. Yeah, some Singaporean guys are we're gonna smash this So I don't am I'm gonna quickly go for a wee-wee, then I'm gonna talk about stacks, okay Hello everyone. Thank you for listening and supporting the podcast It is sponsored as always by this Lee cross cider The best way to support this podcast apart from being a patreon listening listening and telling your friends, is to go to thisthecross.co.uk, thisthecrosscider.co.uk and using the promo code thistheslislossfebruary, you'll get 10% discount all across the UK for any of their ciders.

Best one is Whiskey Cask Rum Closed, Cask is a closed second. Apparently there's a tequila cask coming out soon. It's so good, I regularly drink it, not as much as I want to because obviously cider makes you bloaty and I don't want to fucking look like a beached whale. But I tell you what, if I ever do decide to give up on my body, this is what I'll use. It's, I feel like I talk about this every week. It's a sincere plug. It's my favorite cider in the world.

I get proud when I go to bars and they serve them in the bar. I'm like, oh, they're due. I have nothing to do with the company, but I get pride. Uh, please enjoy it responsibly and please enjoy it by going to this the cross side of the code at UK and using the promo code this Lee sloss 10. The official cider of the IRA. No. Thistle Sloss 10. The official cider of the IRA. No! So we, Gareth Stagdou. Yeah. Gareth of Gareth Wathain. Yes. Is getting married in March. Yes. Mirch. Yeah, yeah. And his stag do is next week. And this has brought a very interesting discussion

into my household. Okay. That I'm bringing up with other people. I think you're going to be on my side. Yeah. I think Matthew's going to be on my side. And I think not all men are going to be on my side, but lads,

lad lads will be on my side, but lads, lad lads will be on my side. If you were invited to a friend's, not a close friend's, but like a friend from a while ago, not seeing him in a while, but you still mates, if they invited you to their stank do, would you assume that you were also invited to their wedding? Never.

I kind of would, I think. Yeah? Yeah. No. I'm like, Not at all. Cause Karen's got some people coming to his stank that aren't going to his wedding.

I had some people in my stank that were not at my wedding and Karen's like, oh my God, that must be so awkward. And I'm like, why? She's like, they're coming to the stank and they're not coming to your wedding. I had some people in my stack that were not at my wedding and Kara's like, Oh my God, that must be so awkward. And I'm like, why? She's like, they're coming to the stack and they're not coming to your wedding. I'm like, Oh, they got the best deal. They got, they got the best case scenario. They get to the, they get the bit where it's right. Right. We're going to do heaps of drugs. We're going to drink a bunch. We're going to be horrible, awful men near each other and just say the worst things and just let loose for Three days. Oh and by the way, and then you don't have to rent a suit get a hotel

Yeah, travel up to where I am set in a fucking pew. Listen to me say this fucking shit for my I would never assume it and also as you I'll back you there that I'd be like a fucking great That would be it. Right. Second of all, I just couldn't, I couldn't take offense of it. I'll tell you why as well, because like in my head, I'm like weddings, they have certain amount of places. It's this person, that person, a lot of it's first thing or show when all her family and whatever, I'll have to get that family member. And even though really like half of them would not be invited to Europe. You know, but I, you know, so I just, yeah.

So sometimes it's like, it's not, mercy invites too much, but it's been like, hey man, I love you. I think you're great, but there's not enough space at this fucking wedding. Still come and get fucked up with me and we'll bond there. Yeah. I think it's such a completely fine thing to do.

And I would never ever assume that by being invited on someone's stag that I was going to the wedding and I wouldn't feel jilted. No, not at all. I don't think it would cross. One or two. Now women here, you can correct me because for the sake of engagement I am going to say all bitches be like this, just to get you angry in the comments and whatnot. Because you love a nag. But I feel like for, from the women in my life that I've spoken to, that's one of the

most socially awkward things that I would never invite somebody on a hen do that wasn't invited to the wedding. Because what does that mean for them? That like, they must be so offended. They must not think they're worthy of a fucking wedding. If I don't get there, no, they're not worthy of a wedding invite. That's not, there's no, there's limited fucking places. Yeah.

And also maybe you're a bad drunk, right? I don't mind a bad drunk on my stag do. That's fun. Yeah. You know, my responsibility on the stack, I'm getting home. You can fall on a fucking river for all I care. If you're a bad drunk at my wedding, man, it's my special day.

What you doing? There are legit reasons. And every lad, lad, like one of the swimming mom's husbands was like, he was like, I agree with you. Stag do is just, you basically go into a canyon and you yell it out and you see who turns up. And if all of those people were like, oh, we also invited to the wedding,

like fuck you invited to, you're a monster, you're an animal. I'm not letting you near my family. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it would never, yeah. Also, if you were to see what real love looked like, you'd kill yourself, bud. You'd fucking kill yourself. If you saw me stood up there with the love of my life telling her how much I love her, you would go to the bathroom and you'd slit your fucking throat. Right. So why don't you come with me to Prague? Benidorm. Benidorm. Sorry. That's so funny.

Um, yeah, I don't know. I think that's quite funny. I think so. It's basically spawns from the fact that some people would find it offensive. That you're not, it's basically you're not worthy of a wedding invite, but to me, a wedding invite isn't necessarily, if I get married to a wedding, usually I'm like, right, well, the numbers here, not the numbers, but the numbers worked out. There's an extra couple of spaces and then they chose from that you know because there's such a massive immediate bubble like immediately you've before you even get to

friends really technically there's at least 50 yeah like your best mates or whatever like that's such an ireland thing this just shows the size of your family. They're like, so the smallest wedding could possibly be if we're only inviting family is 55. I really understood that. That's unbelievable. Like my mom, like my, my grandmother's got 16 brothers and sisters and my mom's got nine brothers, sisters and then, yeah. So yeah. So then, and then there's all that cousins and then, yeah, it's a, it's a mess. It's a mess. Help. I just think like it's, it's brought this thing to us,

which is about like fucking invite etiquette, right? So my son turns three next week. He's having a birthday party just across the road. We've invited his five mates from swimming. We've invited all of my mates who have kids, it's kids. Cause at the moment that's his social circle. Dropped him off at play group. Oh, kind of drops him off at play group.

She goes back. She got an invite from a girl in play group. She's turning three and she's invited, uh, Kaylin to the, to the party. And I'm like, oh cool, right? And their party's like fucking four weeks away. So I said to the guy, I'm like, oh, should we just invite that little girl to Kailin's party? She's like, no.

I'm like, why not? She's like, they'll think it's an afterthought. And I'm like, it is an afterthought. Afterthoughts are good. Yeah, an afterthought is good. Because if you don't have an afterthought, you've stopped thinking. Yeah. That's the worst case scenario.

That's done, nothing more. And look, maybe I understand if you're like fucking 30 and somebody goes, hey, I'm having a party in two weeks. Do you want to come? And you're like, oh, I'm having a party this weekend. Do you want to come? But even then, I don't think I'd be like, well, you've actually been planning that party for longer than I've been planning my party. And I wasn't on your original list. I don't know if this is just like girl politics, like woman politics,

or just my wife's politics. I would be interested to know, but like to apply it to three year olds. I'm like, cause I was talking to the, the mum of the girl whose party it is. And I'm like, oh, thanks very much for the invite. You know, I'll be there. It's the day after Garry's stag, so I'll be a bit hung over, but I'm coming. She's like, you drew the short straw?

And I'm like, no, no, man. Look, I love kids. I've always loved kids. Like even hung over. I think it's fun to just watch. I love watching myself make friends. Like it just, it brings me great joy. Like even hungover, I think it's fun to just watch. I love watching my son make friends. Like it just, it brings me great joy. It's not pulling the short straw.

I'd fucking love to be there. And she's like, yeah, I mean, she doesn't have any friends. Like really, cause she's just so young, but she went to a birthday party. She decided she wanted a big birthday party. So we just invited everyone at Playgroup. And I went, so your afterthought, she was like, it was a total afterthought.

And I'm like, Great. This is a, well, I'm not coming in. She's not invited to the party. It's not invited to the party. Great. Can't think this is too fucking awkward. That's great. That's politics that don't exist. Oh man.

I feel like that's made up. Or does it? Or is it? Because like women are more- Or is it just we're so fucking stupid? To social norms. I don't know if I'm missing missing something there, but I'm just like, what? I think it would be because I think in general, I think men have the ability to be profoundly emotionally mature, but I think it takes us longer to like get... Yeah, with 55 at least.

Nobody... but I think it takes us longer to like get. Yeah, with 55 at least. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody. But, and I think women, oh, I don't even think scientifically proven that women absolutely develop emotionally faster than fucking men do. So that's why I'm not willing to like put out, it's been like women are fucking crazy

because it'd be like a fucking Neanderthal being like, look at those fucking, look at those guys in those suits with those sticks with holes in the end pointed at us. There's no sharp end on the end of that spear. Let's go fuck these cunts up. I'm aware that that's often where I am when it comes to emotional maturity with women.

Where I'm like, women are dumb bitches. And I get into an argument, I'm like, oh my God, they had nooks. What the fuck? So I don't know if like maybe it is, maybe, you know, when I, maybe when I invite one of the boys to the stag and he's not invited to the wedding,

maybe he's crying at home. That'd be so funny. Wouldn't it? I don't know if you find out that. Imagine he put it in the group. Guys, the reason I've been quiet is because dad invited me to the stag too, but not a special day.

Fucking. Why has WhatsApp taken away all the, why have they taken away all the noose gifts? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You'd also be just like, well, now you're not invited to the stag either. Cause that's.

Yeah, you're gonna fucking cry about it. You need to get your shit together. Nobody likes weddings either. I mean the good ones, but nobody likes them. Oh, I disagree. Nobody likes weddings either. I mean the good ones but nobody likes them. Oh I disagree. You like weddings. I love a wedding. I love a wedding. Because there's not a single wedding in the world

where I'll not get horrifically drunk. Right? And I'm not, and I can do it because I'm not a bad drunk. I can be a bit, I get a bit low down. I repeat myself. I become less interesting. I think I'm more interesting dangerous combo, but I'm not like fighty. I don't fucking. It's not anger. Yeah. I'm not, I love a fucking, an excuse to go out and start drinking at 12 PM, especially now, like I'm super excited

for Gareth and Laura's wedding because Gareth's parents are looking after both of our kids. Oh my goodness. So I get to drink with my wife like we used to fucking drink, right? And I love, because Gareth will still drink now, but she's gonna be needing to be breastfeeding the baby within like two or three

hours. So there's always like this anxiety in the back of her head or sort of like stuff, but this fucking that wedding man. I feel like I'll have to keep somewhat sober for a good while, you know, which is going to be at least till after the... What I find very funny about Gareth's upcoming nuptials is how nervous so many people are about your best fan speech. I don't know why so many people, I thought it was just Laura. So many people. I think, well because I think- That's so funny though. Craig, so Craig Hill's marrying them.

Oh is he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Craig's doing the, the, the, the ceremony class, which, yeah, which is so good. Like Tom stayed, married, uh, much he and great. There must be a lot of Canadians can't marry people. Um, so Craig's doing, which I think is going to be unbelievable. Like what that's for me, the perfect way. Like if you're not religious, but you're doing an inherently almost religious thing

of getting fucking married, just get a fucking gay comedian to come in and just be hilarious. You know. Yeah, yeah. It's perfect for the day. Yeah, yeah. But I think like some of the older family members

of Gareth and Laura were a bit like concerned about like what the tone of it would be. Forgetting the fact that like Craig does corporates, Craig does he's played a sensible fucking people before. That sort of concern I vaguely get. The concern for you is I'm on your side because I, you're one of my best friends and we've lived together for, I mean, how many of our lives have we lived together? Seven at least? It's definitely a good bit. And I mean, well, five anyway.

What was it? 2017, 18, 19, 20, 21. That's about five already. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And more. And then, and then if we want to talk COVID, it was like live and living together. I know that you have an on and an off switch and an in between, but like

clearly Laura's like, is he going to do a dead baby joke at the wedding? And I'm like, look, yeah, but one, only one, which is like compared to his normal 20 minute set. I'll do, well, I have to do one risky now because you're all horrid. But she's genuinely like, he's going to ruin my wedding. Like as if I was going to land in and be like, I cannot wait to ruin their special day. What's the difference between Laura's father and Laura's cunt? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bring your answers down. There's no punchline to this. I just want to see if any of the audience were funny. Okay. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Do you know the, you know the one joke that you legally have to do? No, but I will do it now. I'll do it now regardless of what you say. It's a Scottish wedding you legally have to do. I'm going to be doing a jeans wedding. So Eric, if you're listening to this, please skip the next two minutes because I don't want this joke to be ruined for you.

This joke is happening at your wedding. Has to be done every single Scottish wedding in the world. Otherwise the whole wedding is null and void. Okay. Right. Uh, so I was talking to, uh, the groom, uh, the other day and I asked him if he was wearing a kilt for the wedding. And he said, yeah, of course he was. And I asked, what's the tartan? And he said, I don't know, probably a white dress.

All right, come on. It's like, it's so good. It's so good. What's with school shootings? Oh God. Yeah. I don't know. What, what if I did the complete opposite and wrote the most tragically heartfelt thing you've ever seen?

Too sincere. the complete opposite and wrote the most tragically heartfelt thing you've ever seen. Because that would be funny because Gareth, I've always had a fucking, Gareth always a bit, he doesn't cry. He's like you, right? Which he doesn't like, more likely you're sorry like me, which I cry at all things, all the time. So Gareth will tell me when he cries at things because he knows it makes me happy. Because I like him. Yeah, he broke. Not like sadness crying, but like when he's like, you know, well, not even sadness crying, like not grief sadness, but you know, I'm sad because my son might grow up. I think

it would be very, very funny if you just decided to go full serious. Because I think you would be awful at it. Yeah, yeah. I think, I think. Because you could do sincere for two, three minutes, but that's why the jokes are important. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like my best man speech at Kai's wedding was like the roast of Guy Humphreys for 15 minutes. Yeah.

And then a very sincere thing, and also I roasted Natalie as well, but a very sincere thing, which is I think Natalie is an incredible human being. And I love Kai, and I think he's the best, but I still can't believe Natalie settled for him. Yeah. She did. But that sincerity only came through because for 17 minutes I was really really horrible. If you just going up there being nice for 15 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck's that about? What if I was like wanking at the same pace with a whole wank? You imagine I just never never shifted up pace. Just like a fucking machine, just that, just that.

I'll be there in two minutes and 41 seconds. I know exactly when this happens. I'm not speeding up, I'm not slowing down for no one. I'm going the same fucking pace. I feel like for some reason I was like, when you did that, I was like, I don't know why it's weird. Cause I feel like you started from the top. I feel like you'd start bottom and go up.

But I like where Americans will be for cause none of them are foreskins cause they're all freaks. So what a nightmare. Yeah. So they've all got, they've got to put their lotion on so they don't get blood on them. That's right. Yeah.

That's so funny. What is such an American thing to delete something and then go, oh no, how do we get rid of this problem we just created? Like, okay, we're gonna chop off everyone's foreskin because we charge for medical procedures and that's a way for us to make all money. Okay, cool.

People can't wank anymore. How do we make money off of that? We're gonna sell them lotion. And also while this is all happening, if we could all just put a bunch of disinformation out about how foreskins are dirty and even though they've literally existed for millions of years and it was never that much of a bum, if we can just pretend that it became a problem in the 1910s, that would be.

Yeah. Do you know what, would you ever get circumcised just for? No. Why not? No. I'm getting a visage me. I got a call about that tomorrow. Geez, somebody ring you and say you need one of these. Yeah, it's just the playgroup teacher. You need to fucking.

She's like, you gotta stop, he's a cunt. He's the worst kid I've ever had. It's honestly, I'm so nervous with you around the kids. Just get the snip. Yeah, no, I've. It's the worst, you're expecting to get pregnant. I've, hello, we go. Oh yeah, just get the snip. Yeah, no, I've... It'd be worse if you're expecting to get pregnant. I've, hello, we got, oh yeah, we can do this. So, so, me and Cara have one of each.

You can't say that anymore. We got one of each, we got a boy and a girl, right? Which obviously the right one would be like, you can't say that anymore, the woke will get you, the woke will get you. I'm like, I'm pretty sure the woke are, I'm pretty sure all the woke accept that there's two sexes, there's two options.

And the occasional like one in a thousand, two thousand thing where they come out with both or neither. We got one of each, we don't want any more. Karen knows she doesn't want more, but whenever she sees a baby, she gets that fucking look in her eye. And I'm like, ah, can't do it. We just want to, to some magic number. Uh, and as an atheist, I think it is fully against God to fuck your wife with a condom. Oh, yeah. I feel like it's hard. Man, it's the worst. Yeah. I love banging my wife. I love it. It's the best with the condom on,

which we have to do because she's been on the pill and all these things. She wants to come off it. Her body needs time to fucking like recover from that. Great. It's my responsibility. I got weird fucking condoms. And this is not my complaint about it. She's also like, it's not as good. But any woman who loves shag will tell you being fucked with a cond a condom it's not doesn't reduce it by 50% but it reduces it by a bit it's just gross we've married we've married for fucking almost two years we got two kids together we've been going out for fucking seven years at this point why does it feel like we're on a third date yeah like

there's just like I'm gonna fuck you with a. It's if I don't know where you've been and you don't know where I've been, there's no, oh, it's just, I hate it. So building yourself up effort number 2000. Well, so you've got the same problem I do, which is we can't go to the store across the road and my condoms. There's websites for us, right? Where you got go on and you got print out fucking ruler. Do you think I'm doing a bit? I've not done the ruler. Just got massive ones and

biggest you got baby. you got baby. I didn't go and measure anything with the Reuters. I will now. Yeah. No man, you got to put it out like a ruler and then you got to give yourself an erection then you got to wrap it around to get the girth and you got to fucking do the fucking length of it. Yeah. So it's a fucking it's a bollock. So and the waiting lists on the NHS in Scotland to get a vasectomy is two years. No, okay. So I'm not doing that. Yeah. I'm not waiting two years.

So we're going private to get it done. And I'm not just going private to reduce the waiting time. I'm doing it because the standard procedure on the NHS is it's local numbing agent and you're awake and you're there. I'm going private so I can be like, hey, how much to put me unconscious for this? And they're going to be like, oh, you don't have to be. I'm like, oh, I'm aware you don't have to be. How much money do I have to give you for this to be me under? And they're like, there's a 1% chance you won't wake up. Cool. If I am awake though, there's a 100% chance that I will know what the smell of my melting ball flesh smells like.

And if I know what that smells like, there's a 100% chance I'll kill myself the next day. Okay. So, and also I'm kill myself the next day. Okay. And also I'm such a pussy with pain. I went to the GP a couple of days ago because I've got an ingrown toenail and it was infected. And then they were like, right, we can get you into somewhere where they'll cut it out. Because it's usually they would dig into it, but it's fucked. They're like, phone around and see if people places do it. Everywhere I phoned was like, yeah, we won't do any anesthetic at all for the procedure.

Fuck that man. So I was like, okay, so I got an actual phone call and I have to wait two weeks now to go somewhere that will actually put an aesthetic on the area. That's horrific. Yeah. I definitely have to get an aesthetic like I'd like this when I got this fucking surgery as well, they were like, I thought, I thought it would be like a day clinic job. I genuinely thought I'd walk in and they would just be like, right, when you open up your face, just get one of those paper cutters that just,

pull your cheek in. I'll be in and out before there's a whole fucking hassle about it. Just a hibachi chef. Pull your cheek in. I'll be in and out before there's a whole fucking hassle about it. Just a hibachi chef. And then he flicks it into your mouth. Flicking the tumor into your hat. I got him. Oh no, it's back in his body. No!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rolling into that. And there's like, you know, the two's like theatre nurses. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rolling into that. There's like, you know, the two is like theater nurses. God, he's the best. I gotta go change my scrubs. Dr. Johnny rocks. Johnny rocks for this one. Great. There's no way. Hold on. Hold on. Johnny rocks is doing your surgery. You'll be fine. Yeah.

You'll be fine. You're fine. Actually. And we will too. I, I, when I was taking that aesthetic comes in on a scooter. There's a It goes right doesn't bash your shit and you're like what fuck man The whole time he's operating. There's a cigarette in his mouth. Would you like man if anyone can do it? Like I I did this the fucking aesthetic would knock me out when I was doing it. Right. And I was like, God, I'm class. I'm hard. You should, the guy goes, you should be probably gone by now. Are you feeling anything? I was like, no, you know, I went very quickly on all of a sudden when they

started going like, okay, well we're going into the, the extra bits then, you know, like obviously I passed the size. That is dope. And I was sitting there going like, I was like, you're're going into the extra bits then. You know, like obviously, I passed the- That is dope. And I was sitting there going like, I was like, you're not going to, I remember saying something like, you're not going to remember. The first person that ever went under on a stage like,

later bitches. Yeah. Yeah. Wake me up when you got a second bottle in. When are you turning this thing on? Doctor. You're the surgery. Yeah.

You're the surgery equivalent of those fucking 16 year old losers who take one puff away and they're like, I guess marijuana just doesn't affect you. Like, cool man. How was those 17 bags of Chris? Oh, that's so funny. Um, they made me watch the MRI beforehand was the best. It made me watch Johnny Cash in it. Yeah. It didn't make me watch it, but Johnny Cash was on inside the MRI, the movie.

This is Johnny Cash movie. Yeah. It's called Johnny Cash. That's what the line. Yeah. Okay. It's not only movies. It was movies made about that movie.

You piece of shit, but they were planted inside and I saw as watching like loads of like domestic violence and all going like, Oh, this is fucking great. You know, domestic violence is great. It's great. Gets me out and about. The domestic and domestic abuse. If you take the domicile out, it's just public abuse. You're just hitting women.

Oh God, anti-social. That's another one. Anti-social behaviour was always like, like anti-social behaviour should be like, I'm playing my PlayStation alone. Yeah. Like anti-social behaviour isn't out in public doing shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah's my other question. I think I might've asked you this last time. We did it. That's like my other question that I had. Nobody can answer me at the moment is a, uh, why is it Harvey Weinstein,

but Albert Einstein, Einstein, Weinstein, Weinstein. See? It's not Harvey, it's not Harvey, you know, it's not Harvey Weinstein. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, but is he, was Harvey Weinstein, is he Jewish? And not, don't say just because he was in Hollywood, that he was. We don't know that the man ran No, I don't actually know he had they what was his company Miramax wasn't it? I think the big Miramax used to do all the Tarantino films. I mean, I don't know either way. It doesn't really matter Why is it Einstein and Weinstein? Weinstein's family is Jewish.

They've got you now. It's Jewish. His family is Jewish. He has a very dewy name. Yeah. So Weinstein, it's Harvey Weinstein, but Albert Einstein. Sneaky bastards. Yeah. Maybe it's that W. Well, W is doing quite a lot of lifting, changing the end of the fucking word. Yeah. Also, this is what we're at right? W? W you're not a W you're a double V.

These are the questions. The French call it double V. Did you think I'd give a fuck with the French dude about fucking anything? Yeah. It was frog fucking. Oh, it's like, um, that's like we did the last time we did the last time we did the Yeah. It was frog fucking frog. Oh! It's absolute. Frog was like, that's like we did the last time as well. It's like, someone calls me a Mick.

Great. And I'm like, you know, Harry. The best one for the French is from the Simpsons from 1995, which is cheesy surrender monkeys. We'll never, we'll never not be. We'll recover from that one. That's the funniest. which is cheesy surrender monkeys It's the funniest way they must have been mad imagine imagine especially back in fucking 1985 Right for in France for you to get an episode of Simpsons, right? It's gotta be made in America It's gonna be fucking released in America. Then somebody in France has got to decide that they're gonna translate it They're gonna do the fucking voices

They're gonna hire all these actors the whole thing back then to get over It's not just like they can through through AI get the fucking subtitles on screen It's a whole fucking thing you wait five six years 2001 9-elevens Just happened to cheer yourself up makes it feel better about America. You decide to finally watch The Simpsons Season three they call you cheesy and surrender monkeys. You're like, that's me done, man. That's me fucking done. Well, my God, they've been sitting on that for six years.

If the Nazis had come up with cheesy and surrender monkeys in 1940, we would not have helped France. No, it would have been the bad guys. Yeah, we would have been like, fucking you smashed it there. That'd be funny if they were cheesy surrender monkeys. You're like, mom. And she comes in and say, oh, not that episode.

I told you not to watch that episode. Also, it's such a good insult because it's the one of the very few insults I've heard were monkeys in the title and it's not a racist insult. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it's got nothing to do. Like I feel like there was something to do with that with them the opposite way around. I feel like England were facing France, right?

And some of the French fans were being racist towards Rio Ferdinand, which one is wild, considering he was the whitest black man on that team. And two, there are infinitely more black man on that team. Yeah. And two, there are infinitely more black people in France than there are. And also on the France team and also look real Ferdinand is a fucking wanker and everyone hates him for good reason. So I don't want to fucking victim blame here, but and say he was lying. But if anyone was to ever lie about it,

it would be real Ferdinand. And he was talking about it and he was like, they called me an island monkey. And like the French were like, yeah, that's all of you. You're all Island. All the Brits to us are Island monkeys because you're savages. Yeah. And you're on an Island. Yeah. That's's that's that. That's all he's like the pain races to me You're like a sure cuz fucking can't a six feet to the right You think there's a fucking races in there being like that black guys not black enough When it comes to football racism though, you'reuguay and Argentina, they nail it a hundred times.

They're always just like, Oh, whoa. I called him the N word, which means black person. And you're like, yeah, that's what we're angry about. They always like, go, they'd literally come into the court case doing the, I meant as a black person, your honor. Yeah. Yeah. That's why we're here.

I meant from the time where they were deemed blessed in us and they were dirty common thieves. So it's a term of endearment. No, you're just, you're just, oh, so, so I can't call my teammate who I hate a dirty little rito, but you can all drink Negroni's case clothes. Yeah. Yeah. And then, and then, you know, like Enzo Fernandez, the Chelsea hooker that he, he was doing like, he was singing shit about like the French players, which

crazy he did about, you got involved in big racist chant. It's very funny when like Chelsea is just full of African black players. And then he came back as the also the most racist team. Well I've noticed fan base. Oh yeah, Chelsea. Oh jeez, I already thought it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't let them on the trains. Yeah, yeah, Chelsea fan base has a real horrible horrible and consistent history of being actually legitimately racist. Remember when John Terry had to do the PR campaign after his racism scandal? He he had like, it was just like pictures of him in a nightclub with like a black child going,

wait, hold on, why was that John in a nightclub? John Terry meets. Aye, but yeah. Anything to plug? I do actually have a miniature tour right at the moment. So I'm doing some dates around everywhere. I'm going to add some more as I go, but that's all on my Instagram. And your fucking special. And that thing.

Yes, that's right. And the special. So yeah, you can find me on. Best thing to do is go on Instagram and Link link tree if you don't want to Google everything It's really annoying going like I know you've had this before, you know, you're like just fucking Google it. Mmm Like oh someone's showing like where's the link? I'm like just fucking just How hard is it to type my name into Google? I have never looked at someone went Oh, there's a show on but I'm not going where's the link?

Yeah, also if you ever asked me what the link is You're just making me do what you're you should be doing if you ever ask me What's the link to the to buy tickets with the show? I then google daniel sloss cincinnati And copy that link and send it to just google Do you know by the way or deep seek it the amount of people right that on my poster it says, you know Like the sport support act and it's obviously means me for it's like your name, Theo Von's name and the Steve Oh, right. What a trio and the three of you don't have a type, but people go, but people

message are going like, they couldn't be the support acts for this. And I'm like, obviously not. Why are you making me sound stupid? They're like, that's some support X there for the boiler room in Strabane. I'm like, you know, not fucking coming to the old, renowned class traitor. He'll have a fucking stadiums decides to come to fucking Dublin. They're like, can I play to 17 people? What do you think of that?

Surely not the support acts. I'm pretty sure Simone did it too. She wrote something on the fact, well, Daniel's going to be there. And I go, no, why are you like this? Why are all of you people, I'm just writing stuff on their messages. People are so fucking dumb.

I don't have anything to plug. Oh, that's not true. It'll be announced in like the next week or so, but I'm doing a shortish run at the Fringe. It'll be work in progress. So it'll be cheap for me, not cheap for the Fringe, because even my work in progress stuff is better than everyone else at the Fringe.

So we're pricing that accordingly. So we're pricing that accordingly. It'll be just the tonic nucleus. I think it's going to be at 6.30 every day. I'm not doing weekends because yous are all animals on weekends. I'm not doing the first couple of days and I'm not doing the last couple of days. I would love to be able to do the fringe

and go not weekends. Yeah. That's the one time. not weekends, please only Mondays. Yeah. Fuck off. Showing off. That's what that is. Not weekends. No weekends. Fuck off. So mad. No weekends. Premier League football, but not doing Saturdays. Yeah. Carabao Cup, or the Champions League, that's it. That's it, baby. Aye, aye. And I'll, look, I'm slowly getting back into stand-up. You'll hear about it at some point.

Thanks for listening. Bye, Thistley Cross Sider. They support us, you support us. Become an alcoholic, the end. Bingo. Bingo. Bingo.