Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Dwarfist (Ft. Elliot Steel)

Episode Date: October 16, 2024

Muggins and his guest host (Elliot Steel) accidentally coordinate their clothes as is becoming a running theme of the pod. Sat in the garden at the start of Kai's tour with three shows in the bag to discuss and an almost scrap with an overfamiliar banter merchant. Elliot discriminates hard against short men.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? I'm always full of great ideas.

I don't think doing the podcast in your garden is one of them. Absolutely not. When I started setting up, I was like, oh, it's a nice backdrop, lovely light. And then I started setting up and I realised, what, I need a flight path and the neighbour's doing some building work. Oh, yeah, there's always building work going on. They built that illegally.

They didn't get any planning permission there's like a big there's like a big shed where they keep steel

pans and play them they pay steel pans yeah they built steel pans but that was

built completely illegally there was no planning permission I just feel like how passive aggressive a podcast this is

though hold on for all the building work that these fucks, because you're just kind of just talking like this. Oh, no, hold on. For all the building work that these fucks have done. You're telling me there's a wall at that side that just popped up? No, they legally did that, to be fair. That was a completely legal bit of building work. But that went on for, like, two years. And so, like, you know when you're a comic and you work nights

and you get in at, like, one in the morning? Anyone who works nights, you get in at, like, one in the morning. You don't just get in at one in the morning and go to bed. You sit up for half an hour. You sit up for 40 minutes. Yeah, you unwind, play a bit of PlayStation, read a video at like 1 in the morning. You don't just gain a one-in-one and go bed You say off off. Yeah, you're mine play a bit of PlayStation video book 7 in the morning And you're just like I went round I was like guy I'm not getting any sleep I think you can't do this Can't work as never came up for nature flick nature It's one of them things where you're like if you're gonna be a nature if that's on you like it's it's sad because they I've done

I've done a shift in real jobs before Like you know when you wake up in the bins are've done night shifts and real jobs before like you know you wake up and the bins are getting done and all that you're like oh the rest of the world is waking up

but this is like doesn't work for me at all the world isn't set up for night owls yeah and you die way younger as well like the health implications of it

because your circadian radium is just fucked is that right does it fuck you yeah I was listening to a podcast I was listening to a guy on Rogan

who was saying it was something like an increase of like 30- percent of developing cancer or something was in people who work nights Because you're biologically hardwired to go to bed at that time You've got a cigarette in your hand new and you're like I to the nature To get in a better half more it's getting to bed at half three because I stayed out and had four beer five beers Afterwards as well that it's the lack of sleep You did a great idea the other day that I was actually to bed at half one. I was getting to bed at half three because I stayed out and had four beers, five beers afterwards as well. But it's the lack of sleep. You did a great idea the other day that I was actually quietly impressed by.

Like, I had a little smile on my face. I was tempted to follow you into it, but then I was just like, no, just let him have this one. We're in Greg's. And I said,

you didn't realise they did breakfast, did you? I knew they did breakfast, but I didn't know you could get like... The baguette. Yeah, yeah. So I ordered a baguette with like everything, the bacon, sausage and egg a baguette yeah yeah so i ordered a baguette with like everything they're baking sausage and egg in

there they're like this nice sausage and i ordered a sandwich and got it without sausage and then elliot went can i get a bacon egg sandwich please and a sausage roll and then you dismantle your sausage roll and put the sausage on your baguette it's class i was trying to be disparaging but again it's not the same as i think from the hot dog it was proper like lad like you've seen someone do something and you can't let your mate have something

so you try to tear him down at any minute but then I walked away I was watching a savage guy it was a cold sausage roll it was a motorway

station Greg's for breakfast as well that's proper on the road so we're on the road now Daniel's been well I've been

replaced by Elliot and I've replaced Daniel the two of us the two of been replaced by Elliot and I've replaced Daniel that's the the two of the two of it's been going well the two of us had a shuffle

and we've done three gigs we've done Bristol we've done Bath and we've done London and three vastly different gigs actually because we've done like a theatre

or a comedy club and then a studio room and a pizza joint that pizza place the audience were cool the audience made it yeah like I mean

saying that let's talk about this the audience were class in that they were very reactive to the jokes so that you're like yeah you're having a good time and you're in good company and you're confident in your ability because you're fucking doing your job to a level where everyone's laughing and they're getting the fucking ticket but he's worth right but not one

person in that room could hold on to a piss i've never did coke there was a guy i think there was a group on the coke which i've always said why are you coming to a comedy show and doing coke it's such a strange thing to do with comedy because all you want to do is talk about yourself and instead all you have to do is listen to somebody else talking about themselves I even think drinking is a bit of a weird one that's it as well because once you break the seal

that's why like you know you don't tend to go to the cinema with a skin full so like you can probably make it through a movie I'm not the best at making it through a film but if I'd had a skin full there's not a chance I'm getting through a film so that's what's happening with comedy you've just got fucking a bunch of people that have been pre-drinking

before your show they've broke the seal and then they got in and out but at this bath gig the stage was by the door to the venue so like that was at the beginning of the show we're just like let's go up a little bit late and make sure everybody gets in otherwise we're starting the show and there's going to be people walking past the stage but i just meant every i was walking past the stage going for a piss yeah and it was a weird venue as well like it was like very high ceiling weird lights

coming down the stage was like two panels like basically two like panels together like elevated but then when i was on i said to you when i was opening i was like you need to stand stage right because there's a speaker there so these people won't be able to see your facial expressions and you probably had a job as open and act as well where you got like you had to do like technical troubleshooting when you went on which i've had to do before but less and less as daniel's too i get bigger because like you get to tour manageries at like venues that are more accustomed to this stuff and uh and i remember remember the early days where I'd go on and take a bit of a bullet. But you took a big one because even though it was sound checked, when you come on, it was just like gain was ramped up.

It was really boomy. And you nearly popped the rear drums with an opening line. And they couldn't laugh at it because they didn't know what you just said. And they'd just been overwhelmed with sound. And it just sounded like a joke bombed because they didn't hear it. Well, that's what I thought happened. You had to dig yourself out of it and then I had to go and run the back of the room

and speak to the tech and turn it down. Which, like, I had to go outside the building and not the other side so that I wasn't walking past you through that door. So it is, it's going back to grassroots this too. That's the thing with touring is you kind of, like, you come off the circuit, you go on to touring,

but where you go from doing, especially when you get to the point of circuit where you can do a tour, you're mainly doing good comedy clubs. So you're mainly doing like, your Glees, your Comedias, your Forges.

Yeah, which I've got those in in the stands. Yeah, your store, the stand. But then you start plugging in, these are the little venues that are maybe like art centres or like studio spaces. Oh, art centres, man.

I don't know what. I was doing Bedford. I was doing a preview in Bedford. And it fucked it. It was like, before the Fringe, and I was like gigging I was doing a preview in Bedford and it fucked it it was like before the fringe and I was like gigging and previewing every night I was like a week out from the fringe quite stressed and I get to this Bedford one and

the guy came backstage and what really annoyed me was he was eating an ice cream like he had an ice cream he was just licking it seductively in the front row he was a bloke who was working there he came and he ate an ice cream and he was like uh yeah you're good to go in five i was like yeah i was like uh are you when someone gonna tell me to like go on how's someone gonna tell me and he went well someone might come up and i just went

no somebody's running this gig i went someone will come up uh was this your tour show no it was a preview but I was going and they're fucking because the art centre's right they're ran

usually by volunteers and they're sweet people but they haven't got a fucking clue but they're

like Lawrence from McDonald's who's Lawrence from McDonald's you keep

forgetting that we'll listen to that me and Elliot listened to an Anthony

episode with Patrice O'Neill in and by the way there is three problematic men right there like bad people you know when you listen to more of them and you like hear their ideas and you go oh like you literally hate women yeah yeah it's only law holding your back yeah i keep fucking monster i and death as well when it comes to patrice i keep you. I keep it quiet who I share that stuff that I've listened to that with. Some people you don't need to know that you've listened to it. But if you can fucking separate that, if you can just go and have a look at this on YouTube,

the fucking abhorrent fellas. Yeah. They found out that there was a guy called Lawrence who got 50 years of service in McDonald's and he got like service like he's fought in Iraq he got like a couple of gifts but it was just like quite an underwhelming like and he's like

how is he not the fucking owner of McDonald's how is he not the CEO of McDonald's by now so they were just like oh he must be special needs but they're not being as kind as that with their words so they phoned up this McDonald's to just see if the guy was like had his wits about him and he clearly didn't yeah and he was just clearly like like cleaning trays up and doing the lit he wasn't doing the food or anything yeah and he needs this

job he keeps he does that one of them says he comes with this like as it's like managers change over he just comes with it he's part of the furniture he's just employed there because it gives this guy a reason there you go there's's some drilling going on down there. A flight went past before. I just saw Mark Nelson saying apologies for the absolute cuts, sound quality on his podcast and I just thought

I'd join him in the gutter. Oh, Mark Nelson writes an apology for that like he's let down the word. This is not the standard we set. What, your podcast with you and Ryan Collins? It's not got the standard.

I'll regularise that. Listen, this is where Lake Jemsey Giraffe and Unvulture and all that they'll be there going well fucking it's just not good enough I'm sure I'm sure

I'm sure you'll forgive Mark I'm sure you'll forgive us for the tweeting birds in the background and the drill so the the basically ask Lawrence

to put the manager on and then start asking questions about why they don't let him eat any other food and stuff and they're really like they're taking the piss into someone with special needs it's not it's not on and then start asking questions about why they don't let him eat other food and stuff. And they're really like, they're taking the piss into someone with special needs. It's not good.

Funny though. I don't think I've ever put my hand over my mouth in shock like that. I was leaning over the steering wheel as I was driving with my hand over my mouth and my mouth wide open

because I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This was a morning radio show, by the way. This isn't like a podcast. Because the they got the manager out to put Lawrence back on. Leonard's his name. Leonard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leonard. Okay, my bad. So they put

Leonard back on, right? And they pretended that it was a new phone call and that it was the CEO of McDonald's and they fired him over the phone. And they told him, like, he's got until the end of the week. And then he was like, OK, who's going to do my job? And he was like, nobody needs to do your job. It's so bad.

Even Patrice is like, guys, what have you done? Yeah. And all I'm saying is that guy is who sometimes works as volunteers in these arts. Yeah, 100%. But you turn up and they're like

they're sweet people. This is the thing and I have this with my dad so that is an insane amount of drink. Was that going to be picked up on there?

I don't know. Fuck it. These makes are good at cutting out stuff. It'll be fine. Sorry guys. Sorry if there's

we thought it'd be nice for you to have a bit of background of that tree. That's genuinely why we did this. We thought maybe there'll be a bit of tree. And now in typical South London sense, it's one o'clock on Sunday. And someone goes, now's the perfect time for me to start dismantling my entire fucking house. Sunday probably is a good time for that. No, it's the Lord's Day.

Take a day off. There's just always something going because it's Fulton Heath I always describe Fulton Heath where we are it's like you're never

more than six doors away from something illegal going on we're going to do you guys a solid we're going to just pause the podcast here and listen

to a little bit of it back and decide whether you're worthy of it or not and then we'll just re-record it like not re-record

they're still getting obviously there's gold there yeah us talking about another podcast. Delete this second hand podcast. So I'm just going to listen to this back and see what the drilling's like

and then probably just press record again anyways. So yeah, I mean, we listened to it back. I didn't really pick up on it. So this is where we are. You get to enjoy us outdoors again until it starts raining in a minute, obviously. Oh, Christ, yeah. So yeah, we've had

a couple of good nights because we had the two hour shows in Bath and Bristol where we stayed with the Askins family which is fucking

you know when you're like oh is this what a family's meant to be like if any of you've been at Altitude which some of you have you've probably hung out with the Askins family

but they are just the sweetest family of all time aren't they they're too nice they're just so nice they're nice to each other they've got to have something demonic going on what are they doing something doing something i noticed weren't loud in the basement

what do you think was in the basement oh there's there's someone chained up in it imagine it turned out there was like a whole fritzil situation going on there that the family just didn't speak about maybe they just had like an open egg like off aliens and that's where ryan cullen came from in their whole niceness just covering up for spawning Ryan Cullen into the world oh we had that and like it was like

so sweet so nice there like just peace and then last night was the exact opposite when we went to that place after your show yeah what was that

that fucking bar man so that bar we were queued to get in so like basically we got Last Order as another bar and I love it

when people in bars are sounding about Last Order's where they're going, he has a plastic cup. Yeah. Go and drink the rest of your pint on the street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, great. You're not going to make this fucking neck of me pint

that I've just paid seven quid for. So you take your pint on the street. There's people queuing for a bar across the road. But you know what? I'd rather just go to a bar you didn't have to queue for. But I've got a pint in my hand. It's central London. We're in Piccadilly Circus, like the busiest bit of London.

There and Leicester Square. So queuing to get in and it was a fair enough queue, but I'd finished my pint by the time we got to the front, but Katie and Olivia hadn't and they got ejected from the queue for having a drink in their hand.

It's not like, oh, you can't have a drink here, leave your drink. No, even though you've queued this whole way because you had a drink in your hand, you're out and just evicted like two mates from the queue and Olivia's boyfriend No, even though you've queued this whole way, because you had a drink in your hand, you're out. And just evicted like two mates from the queue.

And Olivia's boyfriend had already just got in. Yeah. And you had just got in and I was the next one in. And I just went, oh, I'll go and get your boyfriend. And then as I walked in, the doorman started giving grief to somebody else. And I just grabbed her by the sleeve and dragged her in so that we were in. But Katie wasn't in. And her and Natalie and a couple of mates just ended up going somewhere else yeah and we're going to text us when it

comes so we ended up getting split up at that point well you were you dealt with it very differently to me because i was with katie and she was having a drink got to the front and the doorman went yeah you can't come and stand this side and then he looked at me this big doorman and he went are you with her and i went i'm with her but i'm not like going out with her i'm not with her and he was like well you're with her so but I'm not like going out with her. I'm not with her. And he was like, well, you're with her. So, and she's not coming in. And I went, mate, I couldn't give a fuck if you don't let her in.

He burst out laughing because he didn't want to let me in. But then I made him laugh. He was like, go on, in you go. So I just went in. Katie wouldn't give a fuck about that either. She'd be like, I didn't give a fuck if I got in with him.

I was like, I couldn't give a fuck if you don't let her in, I'm going in. You saw that, the night ended up a bit fractious and then that place was just the coziest fucking bell ends in the world. Which we were,

like we were, I was, I wasn't really, I had one beer while I was there for like the two and a half hours I was there. I wasn't really drinking. I had a little dab of mushrooms, but it wasn't like,

it was like this acid drops. Yeah. My friend just put it on the, like the, me to me hand there to lick off. And then I just had this kind of body high. It was nice. It was a bit uplifting,

but it wasn't very visual, which is good. But like, when I was coming up, I went to join, join the toilet queue and you were fucking there trying to tell a lad to fuck off. It was just this lad, just like,

you know, over familiar, just friendly, like, Oh mate, what's the crack? And yeah, like shadow boxing you and all that fucking, and like, Oh and like I'm around you like fucking trying to lick nuclear hair

You're just like me. I hope you have a good night, but I don't want to be part of it So fucking unsubscribe like disengage and then I come along and he started giving me the crack Yeah, and then it was an Irish and I look look Irish people like are 99% hilarious good laugh laugh, don't they do? But like anyone... Some Irish people are trying to emulate what their stereotypes is, is having the crack. Yes.

And they're really like... You'll find some of the lads just forceful with it, as if you're privileged to be part of that fucking banter. Well, it's like their whole thing becomes like, but I'm from Ireland, we're all funny. And it's like anyone whose identity is like their football team but that's all there is to them is yeah i'm from here this is what i'm like and it just becomes like man i don't care like i had it one time in london i was out with this girl and we're like in the smoking

area this lad went up to her and just went to her i'm irish and she was like yeah and it was like she'll be chatting to me. We're good fun. And she was like, I don't care. And you know what the worst thing is? I bet you the majority of Irish people just hate this like misrepresentation. Yeah, yeah.

That's why, like I watched that, I love that fucking series, Kin. So good. The gangster film. Oh right, yeah,

I've seen it. So basically there's a character in it who at first I was a little bit like, well, they've just fucking taken Conor McGregor and turned him into a character on a drama and then I'm like no it's much smarter than that

I'm not giving them enough credit they've created a character out of all of the characters that Conor McGregor spawned yeah they're like the people who think they're fucking nails and they're trying to emulate

Conor McGregor that's who this lad was last night that's exactly that's exactly what he was doing. It was that like, yeah, and then it got a bit,

it got a bit dicey. Yeah, because I was like, I went through the gears. I was like, I don't want to be part of this, mate. Just go and join your friends again,

right? And then I like forcefully pushed him away from us and just created space from like me and him. Like it just got through the gears. He was grabbing your shirt and stuff a little bit,

but not like, he wasn't grabbing it like that, but he was like you're now putting your hands on me and then his chest was out

his arms are back and that's an instant like mate different shows the target like fucking like I probably will

I know in our tenure as a guy and that would have been just like the fucking invite I needed but I just wanted

to fucking have a piss and I'm about to come up on mushrooms and then it was we didn't even notice until afterwards it's just when you went Kai there's a camera but you like said it like for me to hear just so I would know that I was on camera and then it was we didn't even notice until afterwards it's just when you went Kai there's a camera

but you like said it like for me to hear just so I would know that I was on camera and I think that's when he realised that it was fucking serious that he was like

actually just looking round and weighing up the situation to see like what damage we could do then he instantly de-escalated and walked away

and it wasn't until we were like debriefing after our piss we were just like oh yeah yeah that sounded serious and then there was another lad who was pushing in, and then so I was like, fuck's sake,

and I walked off. Like, we went downstairs to this place. It was a good bar, it was good fun. You know what was good about it? The music was at a good level where you could chat. There were seats available so that you- It was a live band, as well was the music. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There we go, that's how fucking observant I was. And the deck, always nice. It was swanky and that, and we sat with a small group around a table having a nice night. But any time you had to do something, they'd go And the deck, always nice. It was swanky and that. And we sat with like a small group around the table having a nice night. But any time you had to do something, they'd go to the bar, go for a piss. You'd just technically go through

some of the most fucking arrogant cokeheads in the world. It was a central London place as well. So it's like you've got like, it's just like people dressed up to the nines. You've got lads coming in showing their Rolexes, all of this stuff, all of that. And then you've got that little bit of an aggression, like that little bit of like,

and then so when we had that, I was like, I walked down, one of the doorman is my kickboxing coach. Oh yeah. So I went up to him, I was like, oh,

what's going on? He was like, oh, what's happening? And I was like, mate, you've got to deal with some pricks in here. He was like,

yeah, he's like, my night's just dealing with these drunk dickheads. Oh yeah, what a shit job. And it's not a shit like I reckon it's a good job if you're like

if you find that cathartic I think do you know what I do with this like he's a good Muay Thai fighter he doesn't he doesn't need a fucking

kick some drunk person in central London to feel good about himself but that's actually an excellent footballer and you just have to go and have a kicker run with a fucking Sunday league team

every fucking weekend that's his other words oh man and I just told him that story and he was like I just had this image of like him coming to break it off and be like with a fucking Sunday league team every fucking weekend. That's so weird. Oh man. I just told him that story and he was like, I just had this image of him coming to break it off and be like,

right, you titan. Oh, what's going on? That'd be a good line. But yeah, it was just, it was one of those things that I felt, not my age,

my maturity. Oh, like you said, looking at that fight, because I was looking, I was like, oh, maybe I just fronted the floor

or something. It's so funny, when I'm like 10 years ago, that would have been a fate before i fucking got to the point where it was and uh like 10 years ago i was still like four years older than you yeah but but i what i mean is is like i had that thing on like dude i don't care about proving like who can why don't we get out there i would say why don't we get our dicks out so he was bigger and just fucking if we're gonna have have this thing. It's just because you knew he had coffee. He's probably still blowing me out of the water.

And then I must have, I was just like, man, I just want to fucking sit with my mates and have a lot. And then I was like, I'm not going to really drink

or anything because that's just put me in a bad mood. So I was just quite happy. Like, look, I wanted to go to bed but i like so you wanna you've just done less than square theater i'm gonna stay out with my mate have a couple like sit around with everyone and there was a thing of like any girl who came and chatted to me or anything like that because i've got a girlfriend or anything i was in that place of like there's no conversation and i know this sounds super this is just me being super autistic it's like there is no conversation I want to have with you right now

or you are drunk or on this level. Whereas like years ago, if I was drinking and stuff, I'd probably sit there and be a bit flirty with you. But now I'm just like, you're just talking to me about something I don't care about. I just don't care. It is a symptom of getting older is that when you're younger, you do want to like go out and meet people and like socialize

and like mingle and all that. But as you get older, you just want your own group and you don do want to like gan out and hang like meet people and like socialize and like mingle and all that But as you get older you just want your own group and you didn't want to let anybody in Oh, I had that I had that one. I remember that the first time I went out with a few people in a East London and we were in Shoreditch and we went to the bar the Hoxton and get like in the queue to get in I Realized how young everyone was just on terms of their energy. You know, in the queue to start, oh my God, we're going out.

This is great. Yeah. And I'm like, I've been out before. I know what it's like. The miserable old coming to the corner at the age of 28.

But I just want to, You picked too soon, Elliot. This should be your prime. I want to see. This is your last good contract. But I don't want to, I don't want to go chat to fucking,

I always find it weird, you know, when you get like 30 year 30-year-old dudes trying to fuck 19-year-olds in a bar. Like, go fuck some women your own age, you weird freak. What are you doing? Like, look, if you're in a bar

and you get chatting to a girl, she turns out to be a 19-year-old, and you're having a... Whatever, I don't care. If you're 30-year-old, man. I don't give a shit. Like, fine. But if you're actively...

There's still a little bit of the DiCaprio about that, isn't there? Yeah, but do you know what? You know when everyone gets angry the DiCaprio about that isn't there yeah but do you know when everyone gets angry at DiCaprio right and people get pissed off at him this is where

our podcast becomes problematic Elliot starts sticking up for P. Diddy yeah wow Victoria Victory is a good track

isn't it it's a great track we listened to that on the way back it's a good song separate the art from the artist no i i think what kate and decatur does is a bit odd but like i remember when elizabeth warren or someone like

that got caught having like a young toy boy and everyone on twitter suddenly went like yeah good for him good for her like will you go girl get in i'm like oh but when it's a guy who does it he's not and it's just this thing where I'm like it's just I just think it's a little bit like I want to say abusive power but it's not even that it's just like you're going with someone

that's got zero life experience so that you're going with somebody that's going to look at you like you're wise and have all the experience and you're in a position to manipulate how like

they see the world and it just it just seems like it's human power to go out with someone that you've got that much more life experience than. You're a father figure

and you're going to put your dick in them? Yeah, but they're models who've flown around the world. They've probably got life experience. It's not like he's going out with Jenny and Debenhams.

And then at last they grow up more than boys. Yeah. But still. Yeah, but like, I don't know. Look, I think it's know look i think an 18 20 year old may tell me i'm being patronizing right now but it's just like i just wouldn't want to go with someone that just i felt like as a kid but i think it's i think it's peculiar i think it's odd

it's not illegal it's not i don't think what i think one of the things that happens is people like that's absolutely disgusting things like that And they think what he is is because they think, because Leonardo DiCaprio can have any sexual proclivity, if he's got like a thing he wants to do, he can most likely find someone who wants to do it within a 10 meter radius of where he is. Do you know what I mean? He's Leonardo DiCaprio, right?

So what people get mad at is the fact that that's what they think all men are like. If they got to that level, they think the only thing stopping us being like that is that we're not leonardo dicaprio and to some level they're probably correct so you know you know when i started hanging out with you when you were like 17 18 years old at the fringe yeah that was weird would you not have found it creepy if i started trying to neck on with it i've found it really weird actually I found that very uncomfortable but dude you're not Leonardo

DiCaprio and you are not a 19 year old model I don't know who you think you are in this

metaphor say Mark Nelson has started trying to think of me imagine a love bite from

Mark you'd look like you'd be in a tap bag shock start bleeding out from a love bite from Mark. It'd look like you'd been a tap bag shark. You would, aye. Start bleeding out. Bleeding out from a love bite.

You'd have to cut Mark open like in Jaws. Like a license plate. License plate and I'd come spilling out of him. Spill out of him. Come on. Come on, you chunk. There's a load of flyers and a license plate. And his own flyers come a license plate and like flyers

flyers come out call it Tuma but yeah like it's look I'm not going like oh yeah what is what it is is odd but it's that classic thing of I you you're just you're angry

at him because he wouldn't go for you like and because he makes that abundantly clear And it's like well. What does he talk to him? What does he did it? It's like it doesn't really matter like I don't get why Leonardo DiCaprio dating women who are like 21 Affects my day anyway like I can I still go to the shop. Let's do it. I don't care I'm gonna clutch up hills about that one. There's fucking a lot of shit going on. Yeah, but like, I'm not. I just find it, like,

Leonardo DiCaprio is just one example. I just do find it creepy when, like, people just go out with just a younger lass and then they get old enough to be wise to the world and you go, oh, no, you're not too much now. I need to get somebody else. Here's where they dump some at 25. That is bad.

Yeah. It's kind of funny, though. It's kind of funny how. It's kind of funny how nonchalant he is about it. He's like, yeah, what are we going to do? But,

you know, but that said, I do find it weird when you meet guys who are like 35 or something and they go out to a bar to chat up like, oh,

some dude who's been in uni for four years going fresh as week. That's bad. Did I ever tell you about Niall Ranger in Tiger Tiger? The football player. He used to play for Newcastle, but I'm not sure where he ended up playing. But he was in Tiger Tiger, Newcastle, and me and Chris Martin and Sloss

were out after a Punch Drunk gig. And we were just watching him just work the dance floor out. He was tapping girls on the shoulder. And when they looked around, he was pointing at his face and if they didn't recognize him you just go and walk away and he was just trying to get on I'm a footballer I play for the tune yeah and then just moving on I don't know if he got any luck with it but we just saw him get constantly rejected with that approach yeah Nathaniel Klein I wasn't with my girlfriend at the time but I tried to

chat up my bird in a club one time don't know if he's got a family or anything like that, but I don't think he does. But this was years ago. This was like a few years ago. They were like singing Drake at each other on the dance floor. And then she was just on the dance floor and said, sing Drake. And then he like went,

like got my phone and then like put it in. And then later on she like saw he was like a footballer. And I was like, but he's like five foot five. And she was like, yeah, it's a bit small. And I was like, yeah, but then when you found out he was a footballer, I was like but he's like five foot five and she was like yeah it's a bit small and I was like yeah but

then when you found out he was a footballer you were a bit like oh okay you're a proper shortness don't you

me no I just know that like my girlfriend's like five seven five eight you actually

don't have respect for anyone under six foot I've heard you say it I'll tell you what it is

yeah I had this with another comedian who were nameless, who I fucking don't... Let's just say Elliot Steele. It doesn't work when you're here, but that's what we usually do. I don't like it a minute. And I walked into Monkey Barrel on this night in Edinburgh, and I bumped into a girl that I knew that I'd been out with a drink with before,

but nothing had happened. We're just mates. It was all cool. And he was with her and uh i went over to her i was oh hey how's it going i've seen you in a while we were having a chat bear in mind me and this dude don't really we've never really properly hung out we don't know each other we know the bare minimum about each other but there's like coexisting in the coexisting but we had like he said something to me i can't quite remember that was a bit weird to me before. Like a bit like,

but he's like five, seven, good looking lad, but he's better looking than me. Like conventionally way more attractive than me. Right, so shorter than you, better looking, doesn't really narrow it down at all so it could be anyone still.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's, but like I'm just taller and just a bit bigger. So I've got that on him, right? Even though if you looked at our faces, you would choose him. Go on. He comes over, sees me chatting to her, and just open with,

hey Elliot, how's your girlfriend? Hi. And I was like, I stood there and I was like, I wanted to go, what you've just done. And bear in mind, I was chatting to her because I know her. And he was with her that night. Yeah. So you were just actually chatting to bear in mind i was chatting to her because i know her i went and he was with her that night yeah you were just actually chatting to a friend yeah yeah and you had a girlfriend but that wasn't even in play i've told my girlfriend about this like she said yeah

so i i i wanted to go to him dude don't do that shit because you're if i was to deal with that like how a fucking man should deal with it you're're five foot seven. You're coming at me in a bitch angle, in my opinion. I've got the higher ground. Yeah. I can't get annoyed at you for doing that because then I look like an aggressive asshole. But we all know exactly what you've just done.

You've come over, I see me trying to go and immediately like thought I was a threat. So instead of like having a bit of chat or having a bit of security, you've immediately come in and just made this like a fucking, I was just seething.

He's crossed borders. Yeah, yeah. But like, what do you make of that? Because it's not, and let me know in the comments if I'm being an asshole about this, but I was stood there like, you fucking, you bitch. Like, that's such a bitchy, I'm not trying to shock on you, girl.

I like. I'm not a threat, mate. I'm not a threat. I'm not trying to shock on your girl and like I'm not a threat I'm not a threat I'm sitting chatting but you've just made things weird for everyone in this whole situation

yeah and then I I spoke to her about that like a while after and she was like yeah and I said

it was very five foot seven of him it was very it was very oh hello like taller guy all of this and again I'll give him props very funny like very funny like good looking It was very, it was very, oh, hello, like taller guy, all of this. And again,

I'll give him props. Very funny, like, very funny, like, good looking. Genetically, you lost to me.

There we go. Shortest to discriminate. But I'm going to, I'm going to defend the little guy here, right? To anybody that's under six, first listen to the podcast, and that's a victim to Elliot Steele's vitriol here,

and his hatred and his ism dwarfist I never said I never dwarf you're dwarfist alright but I'll point out

I'm gonna I'm gonna stick up for them and just say that you can only be over six foot if you've got a driving licence and don't live with your dad alright

that's fair it doesn't avoid you you're only a six two six one I reckon you get you get reckon you lose like five inches. You lose five inches for each of those things. You lose five inches if you live with your dad and you lose five inches if you don't drive.

You're 5'1". I can drive. I'm bad at maths. You're 5'3". I can drive. You don't have a driving license. Yeah, not according to the DVLA, but that's just a matter of opinion.. I can drive. You don't have a driving license? Yeah, not according to the DVLA, but that's just a matter of opinion.

But I can drive. Opinion and legislation. That's just opinion. Do you think if right now you could get in the car and get me to my gig? Not a chance. No. Not a chance.

You can't drive? No. I've never been on the motorway. No. No, no, chance. You can't drive. No. I've never been on a motorway. No. No, no, no. Six foot two. Fair enough. Six foot two.

Yeah. Yeah, no, that's fair enough. Six foot two doesn't like beer. Bro, why am I going to the gym and doing deadlifts when I should be like doing fucking driving lessons? My priorities are so in the wrong place so wrong man uh that's a completely fair point but i would say that's how sure people know like i got uh there's a community i know andrew mentor right andrew mentor is the most charismatic person i've ever seen ever just

walks into a room lights it up doesn't matter about his height yeah like just lights up like he yeah and also because when people are a bit short and stuff they're less like I've got a thing where I forget sometimes that I look

and sound like this so I can come across a bit intimidating I can come across a bit aggressive so I have to like go oh fuck I'm being a bit much

right now I'm a bit like a drunk bear I can just just sway and I'm all over the fucking place all limbs

knocking stuff over yeah like I don't mean I don't mean any harm I'm just you know I'm dyspraxic I'm all over the fucking place all limbs knocking stuff over knocking so much paint up against them I don't mean any harm I'm just I'm dyspraxic I'm fucking clumsy mess that I am I think as well

short people if they're cheeky chappies it works. Oh it's great. Gareth's nearly. Gareth's cheeky chappy. Gareth's height does not work against him. Yeah yeah yeah but that's another person. He's cheeky chappy he's way through it when he comes across class. Yeah. But then,

but then like, I just remember in this moment being like, I don't know if anyone's ever had that where you're in one of those moments where a guy, they just do something that's like

psychological warfare. You'd be Napoleon Short guy. Me? If you were short. I'd be the angriest man in the world. You'd be like, as if like, you're capable of killing people and all that and stabby stabby. Like you would be Napoleon Short Guy. Me? If you were short. I'd be the angriest man in the world. You'd be like, as if you're capable of killing people and all that,

and stabby stabby. You'd be very much like... I would be, oh my God, could you imagine if I was five foot seven? Oh, you'd be an eight man. I'd be, I would be horrible.

You'd be a chihuahua. You'd be a fucking yappy dog. I would be, I would be that Irish guy last night, just starting. That would be him. That would be me. Do you know what?

It's good for humanity I think I've got made and then it would be worse because you would actually be four foot something because you don't have a driving licence

oh man if I was that if I was yeah bro if I was like five foot six I would be a I would be a

nasty little character wouldn't I what do you think you'd be like if you were like much taller you think you would be a, I would be a nasty little character, wouldn't I? What do you think it'd be like if you were like much taller? Do you think you'd be more laid back? Start destroying the city. Six, seven, six. Start stamping on stuff.

Just fucking move on Tokyo. Yeah, yeah, fucking, fucking couldn't. Because you could, the worst thing is if you, You've got to fight Marlock

in fucking San Francisco. If you got really tall, you couldn't even do basketball because you're too clumsy. Oh yeah, I'm a clumsy person yeah you've seen me just even the way I walk

is like a very I move like Erling Haaland but without any of the footballing ability I do I walk like Erling Haaland it's just like a big big lump

I mean no harm I'm a good little boy cheeky little chap cheeky I'm cheeky you're an angry little man I'm not an angry little man you're fretting to burn down a pizza place

because they give you a bad pizza and then you fucking stole their merch I did do that I didn't fret to burn it down did you on the

internet oh yeah but that's a joke but like alright here's what happened yeah you were on stage

I couldn't then get backstage because they'd like locked the backstage. I went, I'm in this nice pizza place. Let me go get a pizza, have a beer outside, going to have a cigarette outside. It's going to be fucking wonderful. And then you committed a war crime in the first place,

according to most people. I personally don't mind them, but a lot of people are going to be angry at what you did. What? You ordered a Hawaiian pizza. I like a Hawaiian. Why? Okay, first, okay, if you you're gonna get into this muggle fucking debate i don't mean that i'm my mate me like nothing you know my mate you love it or you hate it i'm all right with my mate i don't love it or here that i'm

fucking in the middle with my mate fucking sewers right okay but uh but with with hawaiian pizza yeah i take a slice if it's there i'm not ordering it right but like some people do make it their identity to hate hawaiian but like that's who you are oh yeah but okay it's there. I'm not ordering it, right? But some people do make it their identity to hate Hawaiian. So that's who you are. Oh, yeah, but okay. It's like people who go like, no, that's not meant to be on a Sunday roast. It's like, bro, just let people have what they...

Why... It's like the Leonardo... Why do you care? Yeah, hash browns on a Sunday roast. Why wouldn't we do that? Yeah, if you want it. There's already roast potatoes, though. You don't need the hash browns. Would be my thing. But if you wanted to have hash brown you don't need the hash browns

would be my thing but if you wanted to have hash browns on yours have hash browns I'll take the piss out of you but I'm not gonna

like go what if I wanted a bit of watermelon on it I wouldn't care I'd watch you if you ordered it in a restaurant

I would get at you but just because it was to get at you I think that's how people are looking at you when you get Hawaiian as if you've put like a banana

on your mixed grill yeah okay right but if they don't if you've put like a banana on your mixed grill. Yeah, okay, right. But if they don't, if they're like good, they fucked up your Hawaiian deliberately, take it off the menu and I won't order it. I'd have ordered it some ago.

Do you think it might have been that? Do you think it might have been someone just kind of fucking disrespecting pizza? Yeah, yeah, potentially. But like, why don't you then? First of all, we're not in Italy. We're in Bath. Second of all, the pizza costs like 16 quid right she's an

expensive pizza it wasn't like a super large food stuff crust I like a good shitty pizza but this was like wood fire nice pizza so I was like do you know what it'll be nice it comes and I like bite into it and first of all it like flopped like that it was like watery the dough hadn't been cooked right there was barely any sauce barely any mozzarella on it it had no consistency to it are you describing this it's like somebody just like built a chicago town frozen pizza from scratch and didn't freeze it yes that's exactly what it was like and it was uh but it was like cheap i could tell like the pineapple was out of a can it was uh or and the ham was just like sainsbury's wafer thin ham it It wasn't product to go, here's why it's 16 pound.

Because it was like, oh, so all of this is shit and you haven't cooked it properly. And I ate it all because I'm a sap, but I wish I was the kind of person and I sometimes would do this to go like, mate, I'm not eating. Like, this sucks. Like, I've paid a lot.

But I don't, I just sometimes think, I'll just suck it up and get on with it, you know what I mean? So I come off stage and you were fucking seething and you just started stuffing the fucking,

I didn't even know, I didn't know if it was merch because I'm like, is it a chain? Or was it a, like a unique, stole a couple t-shirts from backstage.

Like a one-time business. I don't know what you call them. Put your leg, just started putting t-shirts in your bag and I didn't even know if it was like the staff uniform or whatever and I'm like, fucking, just them and put your leg just started putting t-shirts in your bag and I didn't have it was like the staff uniform or whatever I'm like okay just come on to others on day two you're robbing backstage because you didn't give you yeah hundred percent and you're

a cheeky chappy I'm a cheeky little boy a little bit of crime. Fucking, you're an angry klepto. Yeah, I'm a cheeky, cheeky chappy, cheeky klepto chappy. I'm, why, sorry, I'm ill. Why, like,

what, what, I just, I was just fucking raging about it. Like, why, and I always say this, right,

it's like, there's a place in Crystal Palace that does really good coffee called Four Boroughs, right, and it's like, shout out Four Boroughs, shout out Four Boroughs, it's like £3.70 in crystal palace that does really good coffee called four boroughs right and it's shout out four boroughs shout out four boroughs it's like three pound seventy for a latte right but cool you've gone and learned what temperature that's meant to be cooked at you've gone and learned and got the fucking beans and all of this stuff and before

anyone goes oh you're just drinking a milkshake when you have a lie i want to drink it daniel daniel got him with a direct hit oh it fucked me off that no end a man who has a man who would have fucking had turkey dinosaurs at his wedding if it was down to him

like he looked down the barrel of the lens right are you joking me are you are you actually joking me like a guy who'd like the fussiest eater

I've ever seen so I like it it's fine whatever but you've got to learn the like it it's fine whatever but you've got to learn the thing so it's £3.70

I don't mind paying it maybe it's a bit overpriced I don't care but then the other coffee place down the road will then start charging £3.70 but they don't

they're not like as qualified as them to make a coffee they haven't put the work they're just looking at the market and seeing people up here and this around here for the coffee

so then sometimes I go by there and it's like why the fuck is it? Yours should be like two pound and I go, ah, do you know what?

It's two quid, fuck it. Yeah, you just press a button on the machine and it just fucking comes out like a, rather than an actual barista.

It cost us like four quid for a large latte. Why? It's dog shit. It's genuine dog shit coffee and I don't mind things being shit. Like,

I'm happy with shit food but let me know which shit food in the price I used to fucking rail Nick Cody in there when I was in Melbourne is Melbourne so good for coffee go on about it as well My yeah, you know, yeah, I'm really proud of the coffee culture there It had always fucking just say look next Nick Cody with a $1 7-eleven coffee and just got fucking love the coffee But do you not agree that, like, let me know in the price,

right? You see, like, when you go for pub lunch and there'll be a pub lunch that's like 20 quid and you go, all right,

that's a lot for a pub lunch and it comes and it's just shit. But then I don't mind going to a Toby Carvery where it's like a little bit shit, but it's like buffet style and shit,

but it's like, yeah, you're in Toby Carvery. What did you expect? And I'll go, oh, I can enjoy this for what it is now. I can enjoy, like, I don't mind being a scum. Uh-huh. Let me, but let me, you can't then charge me like a middle class.

Uh-huh. Am I making sense of that? You don't want to be charged gourmet prices for fucking cheap ass food. Yeah. And that's the people are just fucking stealing in with that price tag. Last night we were in that place having a drink

and it's like, I went to get a burger, right? And then I was like, oh, does it come with chips? 13 quid for the burger. And he's like,

no, you've got to order chips separately. Why? And the fucking burger was exceptional, by the way. That was another time

you were really angry. Because, because you could just, you're not a cheeky chappy. No, it's, it's, it's just,

I know like this man, Sam, I know, like, this man's... I know... It's like being on tour with Daniel. Yeah. I know. But, like, why? Why can't you just... Why do you have to...

I'm not going to enjoy the meal as much because you've fucked me. I know you've fucked me. Do you think that one step away from going, there's your burger. It costs you an extra quid for lettuce and tomato I tell you what they do charge for

sauce sauce I paid for an extra quid for sauce at the pizza place you've got the sauce you put it in a little pot give me the fucking sauce

I've come to your place and I'm all why do you have he has a quid can I have a knife and fork as well he has 50 pence for a napkin they're getting like

Ryanair aren't they what's all this downloadable content I've got to have for my meal give me my fucking meal I want sauce with the thing that I've paid in the place and now I've got to have for my meal give me my fucking meal I want sauce with the thing

that I've paid in the place and now I'm having to go on there and buy FIFA points because I want some fucking garlic mayonnaise it's do you know

go to the go to the kebab shop at the end of the night you get called boss man you make friends with a Turkish bloke always good fun do you want salad

yeah how much all of it sure do you want salad? Yeah. How much? All of it. Sure. Do you want sauce? Yeah. How much was that? Nine quid.

Yeah. We're going to pay cash. Cool. You're not going to let HMRC know? I'm happy with this. I'm happy with this fraud. That'll be nine quid. Keep the pun.

Yeah. But instead, there's like this bougie thing that's done where they tap into like the metric of people having money. They tap into the thing of like, hey, welcome to this car park in shoreditch where there's all these like food vans

set up so everything's scaling back cost uh but now you've got to pay 18 pound for what is peasant food in asia yeah like this was the reason this meal exists is because it was cheap the cosplay and poverty and charging you for it but i don't mind if you just scaled back. If you just go to me, hey, this light fucking sandwich is four quid, but we're going to make you a sandwich that's three pounds. It sucks. Tesco meal deal.

Shit, I don't ever enjoy it. I don't think it's good. It's three pound fifty. I've always said that Tesco meal deal is the closest you'll ever get than just having a pill for food. You just fill yourself up. You get nothing out of it. It's so sad, isn't it?

You're just now full and not angry for the next couple of hours. The Tesco meal deal is just pressing snooze on hunger. After boxing sometimes or MMA, if I've not had a if I've fasted and trained I got out of the test going away back and it's just like it's amazing just

you can just taste the processed food but then like when I get I'll maybe get like a little bit have you ever had that Tony's Chocolaroni

no bro this stuff's bad boy it's £3.50 for a big bar of it it's insane where's it from Holland when I was in Amsterdam

there was a bigger queue for that than there was the brothels oh I told you it's insane where's it from uh holland when i was in amsterdam there was a bigger queue for that than it was the brothels oh i tired it it's near the red light district right there was a bigger queue for the

tony's chocolate it's like one or the other yeah it's like i've got 50 quid what do i need a kilogram of

chocolate bro there was a i was like fuck yeah go on the tony's the red light district's a bit shit now was it ever good I was like fuck yeah go on the Tonys the street's a bit shit now was it ever good Natalie nearly got

fucking chased from there because she went to take a photo you know fucking idiot wouldn't work I think she was like taking a photo directly of the window

she just had the camera out like little Kodaks it's when you hear the door open they'll throw your phone in the canal no doubt no no no yeah yeah yeah to make them get themselves out of there. Like little Kodaks. It's when you hear the door open. They'll throw your phone in the canal. No doubt.

No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't mean to call you a fucking idiot Natalie, but that is fucking idiot behaviour. That's female privilege

thinking you can do that. Does she grab the stripper when getting her lap done? Yeah, the red light. I went there, I was there a few weeks ago, and I like a little walk around the red light. And it's sad to see, man. Game's gone a little bit.

It's bleak, isn't it? It was at 3pm when I was walking around. Yeah, I think when I was younger, I was a little bit like fucking reading an FHM magazine where you're like, ooh, boobs, right? There's just a little bit of like, just fucking childish

like horniness in you. But like, all that you get when you're going there just more seems like fucking, you know, if you're going to the zoo and fucking,

like, just honestly, that sounds fucking horrible. But you're just like, I feel like these people are in captivity. And I don't know, like,

are they happy in their life? And you know, even when you're at the zoo, you're like, if the animals are happy, I'm happy. But is it not the same when you go walk around like fucking Tesco at 2 a.m.? There's people working there. There's people working there.

You know what I mean? Like, has anyone happened? If you see me on stage at a gig I don't want to do sometimes, that's not being in a... That's where I resonate with sex workers. You ever have that thing where you're like, better put on a smile, like I give a fuck tonight.

And you go out there and you do your little sad dance. More with strippers who are technically sex workers, even though I don't think it's the same. I think you're... Their job is to con Matty and to think and to love him. Yeah. I don't leave Matty and to think and to love him. Yeah. If you've,

I don't, I tell you, Matty back in the day, yeah, he just spent so much money on this one girl that he thought he was in with a chance with and then walked away

and he was like, got her number and then there, went to text her and it was 10 digits. Fucking idiot. He got her 10 digits and it cost him 300 quid.

What's the most you've ever spent in strippers? Not, not much. I don't think? Not much, I don't think. I mean, I don't know. Have you ever gone to like 300, 400 quid? Nah. Yeah. Nah.

I've got mates who've lost like 500, 600 of them. I've always been like, I'll have spent more on drinks in there than dances. I've never, my girlfriend was saying to me one time, she was like, Come on, man, I'll go to this. Come on, man. We're doing a podcast. Birds. What is that? It's the parakeets.

Is that a parakeet? Yeah, there's parakeets. That's an exotic bird, Dad. Yeah. There's loads of rumors about why they live in South London. If there's any ornithologists listening to this podcast and have gotten this far through the episode. What about parakeets?

It's an actual exotic bird. This is like something off Jumanji. Do you know there's whole flocks of them and stuff? What through the episode. What about parakeet? It's an actual, like, exotic bird. This is like something off Jumanji. Do you know there's, like, whole flocks of them and stuff? What are they doing? What are they doing here? Well, there's a rumour

that Jimi Hendrix let a few loose. Is that Jimi Hendrix's parakeet? Yeah, go on. And they all started breeding. Because, like, you know, pigeons are an invasive species. Where are they from?

No one knows. I reckon somewhere like Poland or something. I swear to God, pigeons are, like, solely a London problem. Why? You know what I mean? Yeah, pigeons everywhere. Yeah, but not like you do in London. Nah. Like London, it's in London, pigeons and foxes. In South London, foxes are everywhere. So people come visit. You found a fox in your basement, didn't you? Well, they started having a gangbang in there. Did they? Because they're like under, I don't know if I'm really just saying it, there's

like a way to get into my basement from a garden, right? And the door was like, the door just swung open. And one night I'm just in there and I just, like from downstairs, you can hear like the basement, like from where I am

because it's like an old Victorian house, right? And I just like, I just had like demonic, have you ever heard foxes fart? It's demonic. Yeah. It's demonic. And I'm just like,

and I'm just like And I'm like, what the hell is that? I opened the door and like five or six foxes ran out and they'd all just been gangbanging him. Like having some dog... Like a deli party. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Foxy Brown was there. She was a rapper from that era.

Fucking unbelievable. What was I talking about before that? Oh, going strippers. Going strippers. Yeah, like, I've been strippers a couple of times, and I've never got it. It's never, I think I'm too logical for it. As in, and I'm saying, if you can go there and switch that off and lose a bit of money and have a good time,

like, I know we've got mates who can do that happily. Yeah. I'm not going, and have a good time. I know we've got mates who can do that happily. I'm not going, you're a fucking mug. I've always found it as like, when like, everything's just a bit busy and heaving and that,

it's a place where you can go and pay to get in and then you can go and have a comfy seat or run to the table with your mates and chat shit. Sure, that's why you go there.

And then girls will come up and chat to you and you'll chat back to them, you'll maybe just get a dance and then you'll get back to chatting to your mates. It's just like a chilled evening that said

I've never inclined to go on new I'm not like I never feel the draw I do you know what I would hate to be in a relationship

where if I went strippers I had to hide it from my partner that to me is that to me is like although as I get older I do get more jealous of things

I don't know if you found that I really trust Natalie I trust Lottie but I I'm more like I don't know with her work and stuff like financial law and stuff like that you don't trust the guys around her in an incestuous

workforce and also I say this on stage financial law and stuff you don't trust the guys around you in an incestuous workforce yes and uh and also i i say this on stage like i don't get how like women will come home and be like some guy stared at me on the tube and made me uncomfortable which is their right to feel uncomfortable right to feel their emotions about it and then there'll be a lad at work who's been trying to fuck her for years and she can't see that one. And I'm like, how'd you pick up on that? Yeah. And not this. Not this,

because he's good at it. And I'm like, and then they're like, no, he's just a friend. And I'm like, he's a friend to you. He's a friend to you.

He's my work husband. Oh, is there, is there some office ceremony? Like, is there like, yeah, is there some ceremony in the office

that I'm not invited to? And I say, it's like, cause it's like when they go, no, but say me and you have a problem and I can go get his male perspective on it. I'm not invited to. And I say it's like, because it's like when they go, no, but say me and you have a problem and I can go get his male perspective on it. I'm like,

you've just given the nuclear launch codes to the Russians. You've let us know where our submarines are. You've let them know where the submarines are. They know how to tactically get us now. They're just biding their time. It's such a fucking... Well, I'd have remained if Natalie Cocktease

was some poor sap at work. But is it... If somebody buys her a drink at a bar. All right, but is it Cocktease is some poor sap at work if somebody buys her a drink at a bar but is it Cocktease you want to say well wrap up the podcast in a second anyway

because we've got to get to Chelmsford we've recorded remember this is the second one this is a little bit of admin live on the podcast that's the second thing and we do have

we do have about 10 minutes but we do have to unpack this to get to Chelmsford which is a reminder this I'm on tour just now I think if you listen to this as it comes out

the next gigs are Leicester on Thursday Elliot will be opening Friday Friday Friday Leicester and then Saturday is in Brighton

and I know loads of you are coming to that so I can't wait for that one because I believe there's people coming over from America and shit fucking hell

and they're like travelling as well but they're tying in coming to see us on tour so we'll get to see Jules and Amy. And they're like traveling as well, but they're tying in, coming to see us on two hours. So we'll get to see Jules and Amy at the Brighton gig as well as a bunch of British subscribers. So that's going to be a fun one.

That's going to be great. And I think... One of the best cities to gig in. I think Tommy Innet's coming to that gig as well. Tom. Tommy Innet, you know, the YouTuber who got famous from doing Minecraft stuff.

He's like younger than you You don't know him. Yeah. Well, I think he's famous. I'll give him my time of day Is that person in the industry can they make me something I'll talk to them what do you do you work

you work in an office I don't care you've got 3 million subscribers yeah yeah I'll follow you back I'll follow you back so we've got

then ones that are immediately coming up but we've also got Sheffield, Manchester Liverpool, Glasgow Stirling, Livingston go on my website kaihumphries.com

there's multiple Newcastle gigs. Fucking great show. They keep selling out and then, thanks man, that was very kind of you. I wasn't talking about yours. I was talking about the Simpsons. I'm not thinking about the Simpsons. You are correct.

So, yeah, if you're in Europe listening to this and you got this far, then I'm going to be coming to a lot of places in Europe. I say most, but I have left a few out, but that was just because we couldn't fit everything in. So, yeah, I've got Europe coming up and that takes us to Christmas, I think. Can they see you anywhere? Do you want to plug your socials?

Follow me on my socials. I'm going to be touring this time next year. I'm going to write a bit more onto my show. I did well ininburgh but i want to tour properly next year i'm going to focus on my socials yeah thank you man it's one of the best and uh we just stumbled onto a new bit haven't we i think maybe a short one. And yeah, I'm going to be releasing a special soon. I do have to start editing and stuff soon.

My plan was November, but it might be pushed back a little bit, but it's definitely going to be out in the winter period. I'm really, really proud of it. It's going to be fucking great. And yeah, I'm going to start, my plan is to tour next year and start trying to get about 100 to 150 in each show.

Nice. Like, you know, that point where I just, it just fucking like you're suddenly on the touring ladder and it makes that difference. Like this tour that we're doing now, like that kind of grassroots, you're playing some comedy clubs,

you're playing some studios. Yeah. And then try and build it for the next one. Yeah. I think, I think if you can get to that point where you're just like, you're able to do like 2025 dates dates and sell between like 100 to 200 tickets to show what a lucky position that is yeah like that is that there and and also you can

then i love get i get shit for it all the time like from comics but i gig all the time at top secret but i'm never not happy to be there i'm always feel like i'm honored to be there or yeah yeah 99 in the store but sometimes like and i feel like i'm shortchanging the audience if I'm at 99 on the store you don't take it for granted you still love what you do yeah 99 on the store but sometimes like and I feel like I'm short changing the audience if I'm going to some place for not much money and I'm getting back late

I see the gig as an inconvenience I see the gig as a day of work that I don't want to be doing and like with touring you bypass that because you want to be there

you want to be doing it you're going to give us such a great show exactly I had a nice conversation with Natalie that day because like we both had like kind of stressful months of like i was doing a lot of like stuff for this tour i was getting a lot of pressure to do promotional stuff and video

camera like face-to-video stuff which i always find takes a lot of energy from me because i can't just do one video yeah imagine doing that for your socials it takes but it takes 10 videos no one knows i'm doing stand-up. So like, I'm just constantly doing like Q&As for like press and it's all like stuff that I need to be doing for the tour

but I'm just like, I'm doing that and getting like, to do more because we're trying to sell tickets for a tour so I'm now getting this element of the tour

that like, I've never really had to bother with with Daniels. He's on Netflix, everybody comes along and he's just showing like, does his own promotion for it and that's like, I've never really had

that side of it but he had to do that for Ice 4 or 5 at all I've had it lucky and now I'm in a position where it's all about ticket sales I could make a loss

if I don't do my job in September so I'm fucking getting up every day treating it like a real job thinking about ticket sales getting the ticket things through and all that

and I'm doing that and Natalie's also in the same boat where she needs to get enough dogs through the door at the dog park to make a profit in her business and um we're just both working really hard but a little bit stressed about it at the same time and then Natalie was just like I've decided not to get stressed about this because you're like I'm telling people jokes and I'm just like giving dogs a good time and dog birthday

parties we're providing entertainment and a good time for people It's like something that's just really joyous across the board. So that's just like get joy from it Yeah, right if you look like that, I'm chilled at the minute But pre Edinburgh was the most rest I've ever been for anything right in a new show. Yeah, I'd say I did I'd Put the year before preview preview preview Demar show did really well in Edinburgh came back toured that show was then doing a tour stressful going through writing a new Edinburgh show

then filmed the special of the last one then back to Edinburgh and back off now which is why I'm taking like a year out from touring to just get my love

for stand up back to just get that like alright I want to go on the road I want to do it it's like last night when we went to Leicester Square Theatre I was like

oh fuck I would love to be here one day doing my own thing like that feeling of like I want to be there I was like oh fuck I would love to be here one day doing my own thing like that feeling of like I want to be there I want to do it oh well that's what

that was the big the big thing for me was when we'd done that Bristol show because I'd fucking I drove like about nine hours to get there

including stopping off for food and stuff it took us about nine hours to get from Glasgow to Bristol I was fucking knackered and then when I got on stage and had a fucking

lovely time like what a great start that was a great show, that. And I just walked off going, oh, that's, like, everything where I'm saying I've been working hard, which I might be tired of people

who actually fucking work in manual labour jobs, yeah, and they'll go, and you didn't fucking work a finger. But it's like, there is a little bit of, like, building the show, the deadlines,

the fucking taking it to the fringe, the fucking travel element of it. And there's all of this, like, fucking side that, like, people don't see when they're, like, scrolling clips or coming to a show. There's all the side of the industry that's, like, the fucking, like of it and there's all of this like fucking side that like people don't see when they're like scrolling clips or coming to a show there's all the side of the industry

that's like the fucking like graft bit and then when I got on stage I was like oh this is the fruit yes this is the bit

that I fucking did I did all of that so that this would flourish and then you get to pick the fruit and go in like fucking class yeah the thing I say you see when people go

oh it's not like a manual labour job or anything like that i do go having done days and business and stuff it's a different kind of stress and your body registers stress as stress it doesn't register it's still hard on you like when you do have to get up like and you know i don't there are times where i work really hard and there are times where i'm like sat around doing fuck all yeah but i still get up and turn over i still get up and do these things where i'm like sat around doing fuck all yeah but i still get up and turn over i still get up and do these things where you have to you do have to work and then when i see like i remember bumping into me and mike rice were doing a weekend in glasgow and i remember bumping into him in the hotel and he was sat there with a notebook out and writing and i

was like mike rice is an amazing comedian i think he's brilliant and i was like if i need to keep up at my level i need to be matching his work rate. Sort of like when you look at football. You get a bit of inspiration. Like, if somebody that's

turned up for training early. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you go, all right, okay,

that's why he's good. Mike's a funny boy, but he works hard. Vittorio, really funny boy as well, works hard. And you look at that and go like,

I've got to do, like, because Vittorio gets a bit of shit in the industry, but it's mainly because people are jealous of him like he's he's just fucking yeah i think any anybody that um puts himself out there usually takes a couple of fucking stray bullets adam rowe was the same when he was coming like chris ramsay was the same before

him really yeah yeah just people take shots at fucking it's tall poppy syndrome isn't it yeah so uh i i just think as well with uh with this job like like because you joke about it not being graphed because like you are just working for an hour a night or 20 minutes a night on some occasions right but like but also any anybody could give it a go there's no cv for it so if somebody like if somebody just goes it's easy what you're doing you do know you could do that as well if it's that yeah yeah yeah like there's no you don't need to get a uni for it you don't need a degree you just need to start doing it yeah but like most people probably go oh actually it seems a bit like fucking hard work when you're when you sleep in train stations or

you're waiting at midnight in leeds to get on a national express coach that's going to get you back into london at seven and then all the trains are fucked so you have to you haven't got money for taxi so you just have to like get on other buses to get out i've had that before and you that's when it's like some of the travels bleak like fucking like when you can bypass that point but it's always around the corner and when you haven't done it for a while and you get the back there you're like i thought i was past it i thought i was past it man like that's the worst is when you think you're apart you know or like a proper death like a proper day like like i i feel like i've i've been a little i've been a little while without a proper death now and i think it's

gonna hurt when it comes i was saying that though because it was my own fringe show i feel like that last show of the fringe run like had death feeling to it oh really but it wasn't on me like i've fucking given a good performance yeah that last one's always can i just i know we gotta wrap up can i tell my last proper death story yeah i messaged you met you it was so bad that everyone messaged me outside of the group to see if i was okay yeah i got like four or five people outside the group be like dude are you all right i was i'm fine like but when i told them it they recognized how bad it was um i was doing this Christmas party in Manchester, but a girl would see me at Cardiff Glee, and she booked me. She's really pretty attractive girl. I think she'd put me just because she kind of

fancied me a little bit like she was like, of course she just knows she did. She didn't let me let you for your funny. No, you be a good job. She went, here's the fee and the fee was good so the day before the gig she messages me and goes hey do you need a microphone and a mic stand or do you bring your own and i was like oh no i was like oh no i was like maybe it'll be all right it'll be okay i get to this office party of this company i went and sat back and she got out she gave me some like info things to say, not to say.

And then like, I went up there and there's like a DJ. They're all dancing. They're having a chat, having a good time. And in the middle of the room, there's just like a buffet. And I'm like,

well, where am I going to stand? And they were like, well, by the buffet. And they went, I will introduce you. So the head of the company got a microphone,

went up and just went, uh, what's your name again? And I went, Elliot still. And he went, Elliot still. And I walk over. I was like, got to do 20 minutes. I was standing there doing it. a microphone went up and just went uh what's your name again i went elliot still and he went elliot still and i walk over and i was like gotta do 20 minutes i was standing there doing it and i'm

bombing and there's like three people her and her mates just stood there enjoying it right but the rest of the room yeah the rest of the room don't really care that i'm on and there's one guy who stand there who's five foot seven shorter guy he started. He started shouting things out at me, but the most Tory heckles. He went, you know you're in a room with a man who drives an Aston Martin? And I was like, is that what you base value on life on? And I saw he had a Peroni 00.

So in my head, I was like, oh, do you not drink? Would you do it to fuck that up? And I was like, I went, Elliot, do not go on to self self-destruct burn the gig to the ground mode. You've not been paid Do you very easy? You very easily could ruin everyone's night here and you I would love to do that I would love to ruin their Christmas party, but it's at the price of your feet Get the like for the enjoyment. You're gonna have this 20 minutes ruining their night It's not worth losing the fee and that coming it you're going to be off here in a minute so i'm

actually because what i wanted to do is go to him like yeah don't yell at me because you've had to give up your kids because you can't fucking handle a beer you know i mean like don't take that out of me don't take that i mean go and look at all the money you can earn but what you really want you should have a drink bro just have a drink maybe you'd be nicer maybe i wanted to go that route i think that made that i started like but he was like getting quite visibly short with me you also didn't have any layer of fucking protection disney there's not yeah apart from actually fucking faking him yourself right you don't want to be doing that again it was completely unprofessional i've gone to manchester to do it and i finished the gig and I walk off and she went,

we had cash to give you. And I went, just, just invoice me. Like I'd walked out of it. I went, just, just send me,

I was sending my bank details. I'll send an invoice. I'm not, I'm not coming back. I walked to the train station. I was on my train and my train got delayed by an hour and a half. And I was fine with it. Cause I wasn't on stage.

I went, I went, I don't care. I was just on stage. And I was like, I remember you mess't on stage. I went, I went, I don't care. And I was just sat on stage and I was like, I remember you messaged me something guy and I'm like,

that's what people think stand up is. That's why they don't do it because that was that bad. It's humiliation. Humiliation. The only laugh I got was I went,

I hope you have a better fiscal year so next year you can get a better entertainer. And it got a big laugh. So you got off on a laugh. I got off on a laugh and I walked off and I was like,

going into material, bombing, trying, but there was nothing I could do. When you saw the kitchen sink, you got it out the doors. Just bomb it. There's just like the little shit DJ lights

that they've got on, just I can see them bouncing off me. And then the photographer Messaged me. Hey, cuz it's alright some followers. He went hey, do you want the photos from the gig if you put any up? Remember a tag me and I went why would I want the photos? It's like your kids died as I was going hey do you want a photograph to photograph to remember the time you fucking, the worst thing that's ever happened to you has happened. No, I don't want to.

Go to pictures from the car crash, from the scene of the death. To Mohammed Al-Fayed. Like, hey, man, I've got some great photos of your son in there. Like, what the fuck are you all about? By the forensics. Oh, fucking, that was a dark

dark night so to have the good times you've got to have those and you always try to think like what could I have done differently but like sometimes

there's just not an answer yeah there's a way to play that but to be the comic who knows how to play that I don't think you're necessarily a good

comedian you know what I mean you can then get caught on that like that becomes who you are is the guy who panned us to that forget about the

corporate yeah and if you listen to this on the public channels you know what I mean you can then get caught on that like that becomes who you are is the guy who panned us to that forget about the corporate yeah and if you listen to this on the public channels which a lot of you are we've got a Patreon you can subscribe for £3 a month

and you get one extra episode per week and the last one was part one of me reading out Daniel's book as an audio book well the book

I wrote about Daniel as a geodeo book I called it I'm going to do part two soon I think so if you want to catch up on part one audiobook. Well, the book I wrote about Daniel is a geodeo book, I called it. It's a little weird to say the birds liked it. I'm going to do part two soon, I think, so if you want to catch up on part one, part two will be with you very soon. And follow Elliot Steele.

Bye!