Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Emeleno 2: Electrolite Bugaloo

Episode Date: March 30, 2022

Live (well, recorded moments ago) from Altitude Festival, Mark Nelson and Elliot Steel join Muggins to talk about their recent antics, Set List and Will Smith, what a lot of fun.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Sloss and Humphrey's On The Road live from Altitude. Without Sloss though, he's at home raising a baby while we all have fun. I'm sure he's having fun too, who knows. It seems like fun when I'm there. Anyway, enough about him. I'm here with Mark Nelson and Elliot Steele are joining me on the podcast. It's a lot of fun. I had to edit this one because fucking Elliot's mouth, man.

He started talking about somebody he slept with and I had to change their name. And then he started threatening another comedian and I had to delete that. He's just a guy. It's a shorter podcast because Elliot's a bit of a pussy when it comes to censorship. I never slept with him. Sloss and Humphreys on the road.

Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh. They said it can't be done. cream cream and muggins straight thuggin living the dream that's our intro fucking muggles tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack oh muggles accidental rip job in the park kiss kiss kiss or might just be cynical muggled it up on fucking mugglepedia where have you been since 9-11 elliot you've done nothing

but complain since you come into my hotel room. You're not even going to go, hello listeners, welcome to this special episode of Snots and Humphreys on the Road. It's not that. We're hearing you out. None of that.

I'll put an intro on in a minute, but I'll put it on after the podcast, but just while you're in hot blood. I don't know what's bothering you. Well, I'm sat here. There's a beautiful view of the mountains. I'm with two of my best mates. I've got beers.

Life couldn't be better. But it could, because both of you have taken the most disgusting shit in this small hotel room. And now I've got to sit in here for an hour. My people got fucked over in this country a similar way, okay? Your people? What people? Jews! You can't you can't

claim it you just never found out how it should be a week ago it's now my personality

you're not comparing the holocaust to someone doing a stinking shine this feels derogatory

at best don't it well you know what are you going to do do you honestly think that you

can do that now do you know this Mark his dad done a bit of ancestry yeah his dad

is Jewish well the only reason I said no no no Elliot's just thrown around anti-semitic

slurs yeah well you know as one of the chosen people it's no the only

reason I said this on my podcast the other week b-tech philosophers just give that a quick plug is that uh i i only identify with when i get anti-semitism so my dad used to get letters like the fan mail so people would send it to the independent and then the independent would send it on and it was during corbin's campaign and would play a game where it was either going to be accusing my dad of anti-semitism or being anti-semitic towards my dad so you'd open a letter and it would be like

listen here you Jew hating fuck Corbyn's not a, and then the next one would be like listen here you Jew fuck same guy just dropped one wog, just hedging his bets is he glad he cleared

that up then the ancestry so that he could like lose half of the hate mail

it's insane but also sorry Adam Bloom I remember one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard

Adam Bloom who's also Jewish he was telling Adam this and he was like he's an Egyptian Jew

and then Adam went I didn't know you could get Egyptian Jews but maybe that explains why the Sphinx's nose fell off and it was so quick

it was very good it was so quick have you started acting Jewish since you found out yeah of course beating up a Palestinian woman and stuff

Jesus it's good to be back in this pod the best you made in fact last time we were all three together Mark This happened, some of the listeners may remember it But we asked Elliot to say the alphabet It's not that I meant to push

What a tight ship of a podcast you were on there That was the day Elliot invented that sound. I didn't even know I had that button. I made me that button up any time I see Elliot doing something. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, M, L, N, O, P Yes Amel Amel Amel Amel

I left it on while we laughed at you as well Oh god Took a laugh over it We joined in at that bit Oh my god Amel Amel How are you enjoying the Alps Mark? I'm loving the Alps so far Yeah It's very cool We laugh over it. We're joined in at that bit. Oh, my God. Emily, Emily. How are you enjoying the Alps, Mark?

I'm loving the Alps so far. Yeah. It's very cool. I got burnt to shit today. Oh, yeah. Because I did that. You get sunburned twice, you know that? What?

I did by the sun rays, and then it reflected up off the snow. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I didn't put any factor stuff on at all. No, you. You're usually so well-prepared for these kind of things. If there's one person I see up the mountain, I go, there's a person I see up the mountain and go, there's a person,

when things go wrong, that's who I want to be nearby because his old Swiss army knife mark. I missed I get off the train drunk in Oxenholme. When I told you, because we were up in one of the bars

and my wife passed and she was like, your neck's really, really red. And I was like, I forgot to put on sun cream. And then she just,

she just walked away and went, fuck's sake. And I was like, I forgot to put on sun cream. And then she just walked away and went, fuck's sake. And that was literally just like that. How much does your wife mumble fuck's sake in her abrading? Probably a lot. Yeah, probably. It's a, yeah, it'll be an hourly occurrence. Can we talk on the podcast about your

party shenanigans with the electrolytes? Oh, Christ, yeah. I wasn't there for this, but I've heard about it. I'll tell you about it over the WhatsApp. I'll tell you now so the listeners can also enjoy me regaling you with the story. But we're session at some castle in Stirling. And at about 3, 4 in the morning,

Milo McCabe pulls out like electrolytes because of course he does that's what Milo fucking does yeah see that's a man who comes prepared he'd have factor 50 sunscreen Milo you're laughing at him but this is why he doesn't have that bad

a come down or a hangover and he's always kind of glowing a little bit, Milo. He does look well, yeah. He does look after himself. But it's fucking nonce behaviour. You know what? Last week on the podcast we were talking about shit like this. Like men who drive automatic cars.

Elliot holding his nose, jumping into the pool. Like shit like that. That goes in with that, doesn't it? Having electrolytes on the sesh. It's like cunts that leave a goes in with that doesn't it having electrolytes on the sesh it's like it's like go on yeah it's like

cunts that leave a pint of water beside their bed what's wrong with that oh man fuck oh god you've lost me here

that's like a cunt that put their phone on charge when they get in again I would he just asked for a charger

before the pod as well actually what is your issue with people being prepared He just asked for a charger before the pod as well, actually. What is your issue with people being prepared? I just find it a bit fucking dull. And that's why my life's chaos. 99% of your problems would be solved if you just put something in a Google reminder that that was happening that day. No, you you're right but still so in a like in a in

a show of rebellion against milo pulling out these sachets of electrolytes i mean i just had one i wouldn't have been the one wheeling them out on a stag do right but like you know if you're knocking us up an electrolyte i'm gonna appreciate it he just fucking snatched one out of milo's hand poured it out onto the table racked it up with a credit card and just hoofed it up his nose. Fucking idiot. Instantly got a nosebleed and disappeared for 30 minutes. Pure crystals.

It's horrible. It's one of the worst things I've ever done in my life. I'm there. I've seen you regret some things, but the instant look of regret on your face is your nose open down your chin. Did it get a big laugh? It was all like him and Milo there

it wasn't even like four people oh Mark that needs an audience if you're gonna put your body through that and also the audience weren't like

encouraging it or asking for the audience were like don't do that yeah god I mean

wake you up like no really really fucking did you walk for two hours and 45 minutes to the train station? I did. You just, I crashed. He was only five minutes from his home. I crashed and burned.

We're in Stirling, right? And I'd crashed and burned and we'd had past four. And I wake up, we're 15 minutes later, we're with him at the foot of my bed going, I'm walking home, like Glasgow's home, right? But you managed to walk to Falkirk for the first train yeah

and got the first train through the countryside it was nice but I was telling you when we were in because we need to talk about the fact that we all did

punch drunk as well oh yeah I was telling him on the walk because it was I mean it was a really sunny day really proper crisp

spring morning and it was just through countryside so was the sun up at that time sun was up yeah and um it was it was a nice walk and it looked nice but the whole way back i think i spoke to myself the whole way back and just kept going to myself right this is it right they're drawing a fucking line under this this is where it ends right you've gone too far again just fucking stop this you're ruining your life like like fully alone yeah yeah

I'm gonna stop putting water by your bed yeah you're gonna turn this around yeah I'm gonna tweet this I fucking forgot to charge it again

I've had that conversation with my ex when it's after I haven't touched it in a while or anything but when that's a lie but

but when one of those ones where you have to walk back somewhere and you the worst one is when you're on a bus going home for a train

and there's people going to work oh god and you go oh no you know what I've changed my perspective on that right

like you know if you're walking back it happens a lot at the fringe right and you're walking and there's people like getting on the bus and you're walking home from your sesh or whatever and you're walking and there's people like getting on the bus and you're walking home

from your sesh or whatever and you're looking at oh I feel like such a loser do you not think that you could flip that and the person

seeing you coming home after having a good night in a suit at a bus stop waiting to get out of work do they not go oh fuck it what am I doing

I wish I was them yeah yeah I wish I was crying on the bus towards Leith I wish I didn't have these trousers on i wish my jaw looked like it was about a fall off

no i i find that my hangovers now you know i've been on this part and stuff where i was going to be older hangovers and comedowns are getting the Con's 25 years old the risk reward 10 beers 10 beers aye shall I raise 10 beers for you

10 beers Elliot tried to convince it wasn't even 10 beers was it 10 beers about 10 drinks it was a lot it was I was like

it was no it was specifically 10 I said 10 yeah and that was you but you'd done that twice twice in a week no it was about was like it was no it was specifically 10. yeah and that was you but you'd done that twice twice in a week no it was about it was about it was about freezing 20 drinks in a week trying to show off to an alcoholic yeah yeah sorry sorry that sorry that my family didn't have sunscreen today because you drank it they were fine they. They were fine. They were fine because my wife

took care of them. She specifically told me I managed to sun cream myself up and remember to sun cream both the kids up. You were literally only responsible

for yourself and I couldn't even deal with that. So, you can't leave your hangovers now at the age of 25. You're struggling now.

Because that's a fucking, that's a brutal peak, to peak that early. Oh, what I mean is when I look back and you go, it comes in stages, right? So now at 30 it'll be worse. But I've had in the last couple of years nuclear hangovers. And I know they'll get worse. But when I was 18, 19, it was fine.

It wasn't, a hangover was a funny thing. What do you think, because I think you're just a bit more tolerant of your hangover when you're younger. I do remember hangovers being brutal, but I was so much more able to just, like, get to work in the morning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, now I just, like, I didn't know how, I didn't think I'd be care enough to get to work. Yeah. In that kind of, saying that though, I did, think I'd be care enough to get to work. Yeah. In that kind of, saying that though, I did, like you did, because I did that on tour. Yeah.

I wake up there on tour, I get there. But you were just like a lot more frugal with that. But I mean. If that was the wrong word, you were like more likely to just go and get fucked up when you've got work at seven. I had a night, it was when the pubs had opened back up and it was my first time in a pub. I don't think I drank that much, but I think I drank a lot quickly because I was excited first time in a pub. I don't think I drank that much, but I think I drank a lot quickly because I was excited to be in a pub

and I was in a bad place. And I ended up doing that thing of going from beer, pints of beer, to then vodka lemonade, to then straight whiskey. And on the walk home, I couldn't avoid lampposts. Yeah, it was just it was proper

staggering home spewed in my sink lied in a bed and the room was just spinning just spinning I haven't been drunk until I'm sick

for a long time I've not I've not done it for a while but I was talking I remember talking to you as well about that that time when you're so drunk and you're lying on your bed

and you almost can't stay you can't you're lying on your bed and you almost can't stay you can't get a grip on your bed because you feel like you're because the room is spinning so much you're just like you're fucking nauseating that is a level of drinking I did it in

I was in Liverpool with Horton and Milo and Horton just appeared with 12 shots of tequila it's three of us and he's just like we'll just start we'll just start doing them

so I just started doing them because I was having fun but I was going let's see how drunk I can get what was he thinking did he think there's more of you 12 like because if you're going to get

12 shots of tequila between three people you just do that over time yeah you wouldn't get them out at the beginning Tom was fucked I think it was I don't want to queue at the bar his 12 shots it was a good it was a cool move i had a few the next day i woke up again i was fine had a bit of breakfast but

it was that thing where oh i wasn't still drunk but i was just coming you know in my head i was thinking i'd love to go for a cocktail right now yeah you know that kind of yeah I can I can drink I had a nap worst mistake of my life

and then I was that was it I was spewing everything and then Milo was like you're not throwing up in my car and actually Milo

gave me one of those little electric satchels he had a load in the car electric satchels electric satchels that's what you call them it can't be the worst mistake of your life, surely. Matty.

So is the worst mistake of your life. Are you dropping it there? I never, I never, what are you making? I never slept with... Matty. There is someone spread this rumour on the comedy circuit. Oh, you've probably come in gloves on. Let me make this, I can't believe I've now got to be like Bill Clinton

on a fucking podcast. The Slot and Humphreys podcast. Where did the rumour come from then? I don't know. I would, you guys know, I would own up. I would own up to, I would own up to it. It came the first time I heard from it. Someone from my agency asked me.

So someone just started spreading it about me. And it just caught on. I photographed Kate Smirthwaite. So you've got form of girls on the circuit. I was asked that before the Kate Smirthwaite thing. So someone put this rumor about me for a time. It's damaging to both me and Matty. For both of our brands

yeah absolutely yeah it destroys both of us but no I didn't know what it means thanks for

bringing that up Mark it's alright I'm kind of regretting doing it as myself do I I'm not one

to edit we podcast either it takes a bit of time fuck me boys share that room i'll just continue oh you can't i uh i was talking about the the drinking um i was talking to one of my pals that went to uni with and we were talking about it's like that kind of classic like rose tinted spect thing where you go, we used to go out with, like, 20 quid

and they come back hammered. And we were like, how did we do that? And then we were talking through it and for the fact, when we were at uni, it was literally a pound. A quid? A pound a drink. Ah, you got the bottle bottle with the quid?

Yeah. You clutched it in your hand by the time you got there. You give it to the lassie and it's fucking warm. Exactly, aye. Giving her a warm quid that you've just gripped in the queue.

And also he said to me, he was like, you used to minesweep a lot. Aye. And I just remember that. I was like, oh, fucking hell. I thought nothing about minesweeping. I sparked myself for it one time. Did you? Yeah, in the club in Croydon.

You actually got... Yeah, I didn't minesweep. I think I picked up the wrong drink it was a table of drinks where you had to leave your drinks to go out to the smoking area came back in

and you go I don't really know which one's mine but fuck it picked it up and I was I was weird for the rest of the night

it wasn't like a MDMA or anything like that or ket it was this weird I was just kind of swaying a little bit I was like I need to get a fuck up

you're trying to diagnose yourself. Because we got spiked with acid in shots one time. Yeah, that's heavy, man. That was the one where I didn't know what was happening. I was just fucking going around having me sell a nice time. And then when, I think it was like Milo and Daniel were like onto something and rang up Carl Donnelly, who does bits of acid here and there.

He's got a bit of fucking form with it. And he was like, oh, yeah, that's acid. You've been spiked with acid. Because they hadn't done it before, so they didn't know what they were experiencing. And then they told me it had happened. And I was just saying, oh, of course. That fucking glass shatter, I'm like, yeah,

I've been on acid for the last three hours. Like, fuck. OK, right. Yeah, acid's a heavy thing to be spiked with. Why? Surprise acid's fucking wild, man. Why would you spike a grip of lads with acid, though? Have you met them?

No. They're kind of boring. Have you met them? Leaving them up a little bit. Daniel's on holiday trying to get everyone back to play Quip Lash. Quip Lash. Half past eight and he's looking at his watch

going I don't want to get into the taxi I want to play Cards Against Humanity so there's this lad that I just come up and started chatting

away to him he was this little Dutch midget he wasn't proportionally he wasn't a dwarf he was just a little Just a small man

Yeah All of his podcast And he's editing already But That's rare That's rare A small Dutch guy as well Aye

They're a fucking huge race They are They're massively tall people The Dutch So he must have been Like a proper His clogs were massive They're massively tall people

it's such your dad racism that thing that Tom Cruise wears like fucking heels like loaded heels so he's always the same height as his co-stars if they're women the fucking wee Dutch guy massive fucking clogs he just puts bits of Lego on it whenever he wants an extra inch.

So he'd come up and he was just like, it took him like a minute into the small talk to start going, I hate mushrooms. I hate the mushrooms. And we're like, well, of course he hated mushrooms and we're like well first he hated mushrooms I didn't know little people hated mushrooms

I thought they made you bigger it's like Mario munchkins that's what you're saying

I hate munchkins they get all the work my work as a dwarf is very seasonal

this is the worst so oh fuck it My work as a dwarf is very seasonal. Unless a really white woman comes back and gives me a pickaxe on my own. I've got to watch a kid die in a chocolate factory just to put food on my family's table. Amazing. Do you know what it's like being a Dutch midget painted orange every day?

I look like I've been thrown in with my holland top. He walked up to Ben in Benidorm strip just whistling whistling away and he got up and I hate Muslims I hate the Muslims and I just went like

I was like you know what like me me lass's mam's a Muslim and she's fine like she's alright someone like he chatted there

and he and I just started trying to just like talk like open with him I'm just saying I've got this guy here who's being racist but I'll just like

I ain't met any and like spent any time with him I'm just saying I've got this guy here who's been racist but I'll just like have you met any and like spent any time with him I don't know I'll just fucking I'll hack a bar and blow shit up like there's a

whole community of nice people out there you may just get you may be wrong on this one and we're just teasing him a little bit

with like with his racism and he disappeared and he come back with a bunch of shots just a rack of shots oh I see that and what he must have done was like with a bunch of shots just a rack of shots oh see that

and what he must have done was like with a pipette or whatever or a little syringe just put a little fucking drop

in everybody's shot glass until they got to Matty's and then just emptied the fucking lot into Matty the Pincers

because he had a fucking terrible time Matty's not made for acid life we had like me and Barry

had a good time right we were going around I was shouting to people on the street just going my dad's got big plans for this city

solar panel planes photovoltaic planes he's going to put them on every window on the beach front and it's going to

power the city right I'm fucking telling everyone my dad's got big plans for Benidorm and then I'm like I'm going up to people and trying to sell them praise plans. Oh, I remember that, yeah, yeah.

I was like, what network you're on? I can get you unlimited minutes, free dongle. Just fucking weird people. I didn't know I was on acid, I'm having a fucking great time. You know when you've got an audience, Barry wasn't fucking stitching. He was going, I'm going, do you hear what I'm saying? And when I got up to the last one, just going, I'm selling DVDs hear what I'm saying and back up to the last thing just going

I'm selling DVDs now lad I've got True Detective Season 2 the full set I've got the covers and everything we even get the DVD

printed with the image I was fucking on and on man me and Barry have split from everybody we're fucking away so we got the memo from them

Milo and Danny got shouted at by somebody and ran they're probably just saying hey mate you got the time and they just started running and couldn't bring themselves to stop running they just ran by somebody and ran. They're probably just saying, hey mate, you got the time? And they just started running

and couldn't bring themselves to stop running. They just ran and ran and ran and thought like, wait, walk as well, chasing them or some shit, right? And then just fucking ran around the street to Benidorm. See, that's no fair. Like, at least we knew. Like, we knew it gave you and Barry

a class laugh of a night. Like, when you're fucking terrifying someone. Have you fucked with psychedelics Mark no Matty Matty lay on his bed

right like when he managed to get back like fuck that's what happened to him on the streets

right where he fucking he lay on the bed just clutching this bottle of fucking Gatorade right like trimmed

in like a leaf pissing his pants and that and nearly crying and he was just going it just won't go away

he's like I'll open my eyes and it's there I'll close my eyes and it's there there isn't a safe word it won't go away what's the safe word this is why men kill themselves look at bringing this up on a podcast just one of my best mates oh yeah yeah yeah one yeah, yeah. One of the worst experiences of her life. Let's let an audience of people know this. Mark, he texted his lass at the time, one of the girls that took one of his houses.

Fuck, mate. I forgot how horrible it is to do this podcast. And, by the way, we're at the Altitude Comedy Festival, sponsored by Flubberhagen. Man, it's so good for us. comedy festival sponsored by flubberhagen so he text uh he text his lads saying i'm dying and then he's phoned right out of battery and he didn't charge it for 36 hours we didn't know he said that jesus we weren't looking at my phones and shit so his lass was fucking scared man like he fucking she's like fucking ringing hospitals and shit.

That was trouble for him. Well, she got it when she found out he wasn't dead. You know what? I've got to take this house thing to the courts. Oh, man, I'm such a good friend. I think he asked me to be best man for him. Matty. How do you mean you think? You know he does.

This is how it happened. So he asked us who's Can's best man, because he knows I'm Daniel's already. He's like, who's Can's? I'm like, it's me and Gav. Me and Gav organise the stuff for him and that. He's like, cool, cool. How do you feel, can he be asked to do it three times?

That was like, I was like, is this the invite? He was like, why, you know. Ah, right, right. So I was like, is this the invite? He was like, yeah, could be if you've got a little talk about it. And then Mia come up and just went, and I told him what he said, and she was like, is that how you're asking him? He was like, well, I haven't asked him yet.

Like, I'm making a short list. But then we went on to proceed to talk about what he wanted for his stag. Right. I'd say i'd say it's fairly so it seems pretty nailed on but like he didn't like uh with he didn't say it with clarity i'm organizing it anyway i think you should have uh saved that acid story for his best man speech just all of that for well because it's just i've got to be podcast listeners at the wedding i'm sure i can be good yeah his ex-girlfriend he messages be fucking amazing if you turned up and you weren't

i never confirmed i'm gonna it was the wee dutch magic guy i'm i'm doing it anyway mate you know if you're going to head now stevenson's so i'm just like i'm not bothered i'm doing it i don't think that's how it works you can't just you can't just you can't just promote yourself the best man when you have a man i I'm going to be torn deaf now. I've taken that as I've been asked. Have you ever best man, Mark? Three times as well, yeah. You haven't got three friends.

No, one of them was my brother. I've got two friends and a brother. I did my dad's. Did you? How was that? I was married the last two years. So, success? No, I did my dad's. It was uh what age were you 15 so you haven't

started doing comedy yet no no no i killed but off the curb had already signed you ladies and gentlemen i am interrupting this podcast to tell you that i had to delete a 10 minute segment here because elliot steel went off on a rant about how he was going to knock out another comedian. And now he's like scared of that comic and he asked us to delete it. We should talk about the Chris Rock. Well, that's fucking, I'm going to have another beer because this is, yes. So, I mean, everybody's seen that already but Chris Rock doing a joke on stage if you haven't seen it go and pause this podcast and just look, you've seen it

you've fucking seen it you've seen it if you're getting your news from this podcast is there another beer in there Mark? there's a couple slick operation I've got going on here comedian insults

actor's wife and gets punched on stage and it sets a really fucking bad

precedent the fact that he didn't get kicked out the venue and now he was at the Oscars and he was up for an Oscar

but classic comedy club imagine you get fucking punched at Jonglers and the fucking cunt just gets returned to his seat.

Yeah, and then later wins the mean award. The guy's got to get it. He wins the raffle. He wins the raffle. The guy's got to get a victory. Will Smith's got to get a victory at the venue. I've seen a lot of comedians get really concerned that there's going to be...

It's going to catch on. Comedians love making it about themselves. Like with Zelensky, when everyone was like, he's one of us. Or is he maybe a prime minister before a comedian? You're making it about yourself. It's not about us all the time. I've watched the video about ten times now, and it's fucking fascinating,

because there's so much you notice every time. Because first of all, it's a decent joke and it's not Chris Rock's first dig at her at all. Like, there was another video

that someone had put together where it was like going back to other awards and other Oscars that he's hosted and he did jokes about the, because he did a great joke about her and Will Smith

not going to the Oscars that year where there hadn't been any black nominees he's hosted and he did jokes about the because he did a great joke about her and will smith not going to the oscars that year where there hadn't been any black nominees and he was like jada pinkett smith saying she's not going to come and he's like that aren't you in a are you in a tv series he's like you weren't fucking invited like her boycott the oscars like me saying i'm boycotting rihanna's pants like i'd like to go but I've not been invited so it's like so do you think she's already here to him? I think there's already beef

she's already like fucking on she's a bit Lady Macbeth as well from what I see she's very Lady Macbeth like so he makes the joke and Will Smith laughs he laughs at the fucking joke and then it cuts away and she's not laughing at the joke, and Will Smith laughs, right? He laughs at the fucking joke, and then it cuts away. And she's not laughing at the joke,

so she's obviously then said something to them, or given them a look, or nudged them and go, what the fuck are you going to do about that? Then Will Smith has to walk, like, in 100 yards. Didn't he initially laugh at the joke? He does laugh. He properly laughs at it. And then suddenly it looks

because the first of all when I first read it I was like oh it's like a bit it's like a laugh thing and then he walks up and you can tell Chris Rock thinks it's a bit

because he goes uh oh uh oh and then he fucking open hand slaps him Chris Rock to be fair takes it like a boss like

yeah he takes like doesn't he Muhammad Ali just fucking took a pop at him doesn't he because I mean like fucking

Will Smith towers above Chris Rock he's like a foot taller than him and also like it's you're slapping

Chris Rock yeah you know what I mean you're not imagine it was Dwayne The Rock Johnson doing that joke exactly

you know it's a little bit well fucking Will Smith trained to play Muhammad Ali for fuck's sake so he's not like he doesn't know how to

swing you know so he pulls his arm back as well yeah and then and then

that's bad enough but then when it got well yes that was me up to the bottom when it gets really uncomfortable when he goes back and he starts yelling at him

like you take you take you keep my wife's name out of your fucking mouth and then really like shouting it

on his pillow and then Chris Rock goes calm down and he's like you keep my wife's name out of your fucking mouth

okay I will yeah and he's like okay I will it was just a joke but then you can tell Chris Rock's really fucking flustered because he then

makes an arse of the next link he would but it's it's so how does he as a comic have the this is just something as i notice it from it i haven't seen all of the oscar and we care about it all but just a slap the the professionalism he has to not then at every point he gets to just rain fire onto that you know you know what it's like if you're having a bad gig yeah and something happens and you go you go okay i fucking teed off on someone had punch drunk you did yeah yeah yeah that was um do we say it the the guy had been a

bit of a you know when matty's comparing what do you do for a living, then Matty Reid was hosting, what do you do for a living? He's like, I'm a gynecologist, like trying to be funny. Trying to be funny with that. So he'd already announced himself

as a bit of a dick in the room. And I was doing a joke that like, it kind of, it was like a dodgy line that required a pregnant pause so that the fucking lane lands.

Like it needs the pause. I can't, I can't, will you push that can we push that door shut I can hear the ambient noise that's Mark greeting one of his kids who just walked into the room so the pregnant pause is there, I'm about to do the final line of my set

and I've overran already so I kind of really like this joke lands and then I get off stage that's where I was and then the guy just shouted into the pregnant pause

and then I was just kind of trying to like leave it and just fucking try and still do the joke and then he fucking acted like I didn't hear him and shouted again

it was like were you by any car or some shit yeah it was a bizarre bizarre echo as well I was i was doing something with philip scoffield yeah we buy any car like it was a word association yeah yeah off man yeah and then uh everyone hated them and they're just saying i was like well that's it now that's i'm not gonna do another bit and they're getting them into that bit yeah i'm trying to like just let them know it's fine like that bit's done i'm not gonna stay on longer. So that's the end of the night.

And the crowd, they kind of got behind and go, just do the bit, do the bit. And I'm like, it's broken anyway, I'll do it. And I've done the bit and it kind of landed,

but not as much as it would have. It's never, the fucking momentum of the whole bit's just been completely taken. So it lands, like it lands as a joke, but more goodwill than anything else. And then I just fucking, I just went,

thank you everybody 99% you've been awesome but fucking one of you who the fuck fantasises over doing smear tests whose fantasies are if you want to look

at cancer in a cunt vane in a mirror well that was very yeah it was good I said to you afterwards I was like

please fucking do something like do that get out like it's it's it's like when people turn up and they try

we were just watching Improv Stars there oh yes and they're fucking wicked they're so good yeah it's just so funny and it's just

everything about it is so likeable brilliant and they did a thing where people have to shout out a thing at a job and someone goes

felch in and it's like what are they up to felch it and it's just like nah it's 5.30 it's a Monday it's felching and it's like i was what are they up to felt it and it's just like no 5 30 to monday to ski resort it's saying it's saying oh i read the room that's not funny because i'd do steve murphy on my podcast and he was talking to him about a because he does so he does the sunday show at the stand and um he also does the improvised harry potter shows for kids and he says he far more enjoys the harry potter shows because it's genuine

flights of fancy that the kids go on yeah and it's it's it's like an improviser's dream because it could genuinely be anything whereas every single because i've guested on the improv show a couple of times with them and he said every single show you can guarantee at some point it'll be like, dildo looking dildo, give us a film give us a film genre gay porn, gay porn

and that's that, and he says it gets so fucking boring so what they tend to do is go overboard, because they're like well this is what you wanted and then they really fucking go into it and just become

overly disgusting with it so funny make them regret it yeah yeah what have we done the noise like story

I was speaking to about that one time because I did a weekend with them at the Comedia I can't remember oh I think it was someone

like Oscar Pistorius had been in the news that week so every set was his name's Oscar Pistorius had been in the news that week. So every set was, his name's Oscar Pistorius. But where do they work? Massage parlour for everything. Name a book,

Fifty Shades of Grey. Yeah. I said to him one time, does that get on your nerves? And he went, we actually really prefer doing our show to theatre crowds because people will come out

and shout some like obscure person who's written a play or someone, not like drunken people on a night which can be fun get them to show their depth rather than just this fucking what what just becomes the set because if you get the same suggestions all you're doing is a set right exactly yeah yeah yeah and then i was going like yeah that'd be a great place to see them where you actually have to see them really improvise which is it was classic punch drunk as everyone was

shouting out like really specific local references oh nice just watching them work with that yeah they were doing callbacks to previous gigs

yeah John Hastings I was talking to your dad on his podcast oh no actually that was Barry Casanola Barry Casanola got someone

trying to sell him rats in the middle of Blithe oh yes do you want to buy some rats right so we talked about that on stage after that Johnny Haston saw

the Cochrane twins which are two twins in Blithe that used to rob you you got into Blithe right and one of them would be like

give me a quid or I'll take everything you've got so you had to give them a quid or you're getting robbed of these cunts right

and I was telling them about these lads in Blithe right and we're walking through Blithe and we saw one of them or I'll take everything you've got. So you had to give them a quid or you're getting robbed of these cunts, right? And I was telling them about these lads in Blythe, right? And we're walking through Blythe and we saw one of them stealing a door. He's on the run with a fucking door under his arm, right? Stealing a door.

So obviously John Haston, John Haston's on stage just going, what if the person noticed when he's watching TV and he's like, it's getting a bit drafty in here. Like Cochran twins

staying off with his door. One of my favourite comedians just to get the point so the noise next door on and fucking they're like five proper

quality rats saying something else stealing a door everyone's fucking howling because they weren't at the previous

month's gigs but the noise next door just like why is stealing the door so funny but it was

unique I was just about to say John Hayes is one of my favorite people comedians in the world to watch just watching Hastings work a room is fucking magical we watched him rip a funeral we were at a funeral Paul Paul Burns funeral and John Hastings got up to speak because I think it was someone was meant to but they hadn't written something and they weren't able to compose

themselves or something so there was a spot available and obviously John Hastings being John Hastings he was doubling up on funerals

that night he had a christening to get to I need to go on second because the traffic's murder could you like me you just went up

and you got the tone of it perfect you got the tone of it right and you got the stories that he chose right and he just fucking improvised a couple of lines and all that and it was just fucking you're just like that's masterful that

his crowd work was great do you know one of the funniest things I've seen improv-wise on stage was at Setlist when Davy Johns did it, right? And Davy had forgotten his glasses, right? So he couldn't see what was written, right? And there was a couple of times he had a guess at it, and it was completely fucking wrong. So he was improvising.

So once the audience had cottoned on to this, he was improvising against a word that he thought was up there and it just made it extra funny because then you go, what the fuck are you talking about? It's this xylophone, Davey, what are you fucking... Why are you doing stuff about xenophobia people? That's so good. Can you remember Cullen's?

Cullen's one. Wah, wah, wah. For the baldy button. Oh, fuck. Cullen got up and just froze like a rabbit in the headlights because he's a superb joke writer. Some of his jokes are the best I've ever heard. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah

that's his craft his crafting jokes making them like concise and then fucking deliver them and then it's just fucking

Setlist is not his terrain no Setlist has kryptonite that's yeah it was his kryptonite he got up and it was

something like Myspace something or other and he just read it out I don't know imagine Myspace had a garden or something. The Ikea joke where you have to assemble it. You think, imagine MySpace had a garden.

I don't know. What's the next slide? And he just done that file of slides. It lasted 40 seconds. I was so nervous when I first did Setlist. I feel like I need to explain what set list is because I'm just

assuming that everyone listens and understands what it is just before you do that can I just tell you very quickly because you'll both

like this when we were up today me and my son we were talking about the England game and stuff tomorrow

and then going to see a Scotland game while we're in here in Austria and then he was because I was asking who was that guy that gave me a hug in the hotel and it was you and then going to see a Scotland game while we're in here in Austria. And then he was, because I was asking, who was that guy that gave me a hug in the hotel? And it was you, Kai.

Oh, yeah. And then it was, yeah, why did Kai get me to call that other guy B-B-B-Baldy? I was fucking howling laughing. I forgot I did that. How old is he, six? Six, yeah. He's got a six-year-old

who ran up the corner and shouted, B-B-B-Baldy. That's so good. Where is it? Everyone needs to hear it. He's so slick with his car. Fuck me.

He got a... B-B-B-Baldy! He got a shout at Adam on the fucking Alps in Austria in the mountains and just somebody just shouted, B-B-B-Baldy on the piece. I in Austria and the mountains and just somebody just shouted

I fucking love it it follows him round and I fucking love it set list is a show I do at the Fringe I'm taking it this year it originated in LA with Paul Provenza they still run it but I babysit it I take the wheel when it's at the Fringe

I book a line up of like 5 comedians and host it and bring it on welcome to stage mark nelson mark nelson comes on and he doesn't do any of his stand-up that he would normally do he looks over his shoulder and on the screen it'll give him a set list topic like low self-esteem dominatrix or like um time traveling nazi yeah something like that and you just act like that's your set list written on your hand and you do a routine around it now when people get it right they'll just start talking they'll look over their shoulder and they'll go so i was at my granddad's the other day and he gave us this bit of advice and they'll talk around it right the people that get it wrong are the one that turn over their shoulder and then go oh time traveling nazi i don't know what that would be

like is that like when you and then they get into it by saying the headline because you wouldn't do your set like that you wouldn't go on it's good to use the thing as a as the punch line build up yeah it's it's a skill and then on the build up to using that of a punch line it's kind of what improvisation is you think of something don't say it immediately yeah store that get to that get to that build around start talking you'll get there people are great people like I imagine Milo yeah Milo, Troy Hawke Nelson's class

Tom Tark I always would imagine I've seen him Stuart Murphy John Robertson Carl Donnelly John Hastings they're all

people you've done it Elliot you've done it Elliot You've done it You survived it I closed it You did really well If you buy into it Then

You'll do better That's what I hate Because I love it I mean I genuinely I've said I've said to Provenza as well Like after the first couple of times I did it

And Troy Like If you I would do that gig Every night Like I would quite happily Not do my own gigs And justroy like if you i would do that gig every night like i would quite happily not do my own gigs and just do that every night because it's so exciting and that's i hate when i don't know you don't have to prepare do you like you can't put the bullets in the gun like i hate seeing people that almost dismiss it and go it's when people it's not even when people

use the the term where they go oh time travel nazi what would i do with that it's when people it's not even when people use the the term where they go oh time traveling nazi what would i do with that it's when people turn around and go and scoff and go fucks it like what the fuck is that like what am i supposed to and you're like you'll get a laugh once stop ruining the magic like this is yeah if you don't even mention the screens there yeah it's like if you just act like you're doing a set, obviously, like, you glance to have a look. But if you can just, like you said,

completely buy into the game, it's one of the best shows on earth. Oh, it's fucking great. Like, ripping a set list is, as ripping gigs go, is like,

you're a proper comic. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a proper comic if you rip a set list. Oh, man.

Who'd tell you that? He does so well as well Mark he's not taking this teasing very well at all I fucking hate this podcast any time I come

on this podcast my career goes back that's how that's what this podcast does usually come on a podcast to promote things

I come on this and somehow my videos then get less views they actually take views away after I've promoted come on this and somehow my videos then get less views. They actually take views away after I've promoted something on this.

It's the two times... Imagine the followers that lose. Yeah, the two times I've done it with Daniel, it's like this steady ship that's going along. And then when I come on

with you, it's this... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, M, L, N, O, P. That sort of stuff, is it? Yeah. That doesn't get your views, does it? That frame content doesn't fucking...

Fucking, you trust that prime moron to close set list one time, or fool you. I think we should wrap this up and go to the gala show. Yeah. We're opening Native Altitude Festival, Mark's first altitude. Yeah, no, it's so good man I'm well up

yeah not that he won't get back but he's not going to be here next year his kids will be here for the memorial we'll have a little day we won't put sunscreen It'll be here for the memorial. We'll have a little day.

We won't put sunscreen on in honour of Mark. They play the last post before the clown race. Remember last year. John Hastings will drop into the speech. What a depressing thing. The last post and then a bunch of people in Tiger 1 seats racing to win a fucking clown race. Maxwell and his leader hosing, ringing a bell at the bottom. We didn't even get Mark a coffin.

We just pushed his body down the mountain and just sort of saw it. It actually tumbled into a massive ball that killed a school of Spanish kids. Why would there be a school of Spanish kids here? They're skiing!

What do you mean? What would it mean? I thought it was a Spanish school! You know, before we cut the mountain, let's go get some Spanish lessons in Austria. Let's go fucking...

Well, I think we'll end on that. I've got my own podcast I do called Pre-Tech Philosophers. I'm afraid, nah. Go on, plug it, plug it. I've got...

You're going to end the pod... You've ended the podcast. It's still rolling. I've got a podcast that I do with my good friend Michael DiWale it's a really wild life for people

shut your shut your fat fucking mouth Mark that wasn't Mark trying to snore that was him that was him

siphoning some more drink from an empty can the fucking reprobate he knows he's got to go back to see his family soon

so he's trying to get every morsel of alcohol out of it as possible on all podcast apps

Spotify Apple fucking other ones sweet and a big shout out to everybody who's

listening to this podcast at altitude because I know some of you are here because I heard someone shouted Colin and I've heard a lot of you as everybody who's listening to this podcast at Altitude because I know some of you are here because I heard someone shout at Colin

and I've heard a lot of you as well thanks for coming to Altitude thanks for listening to the podcast and to everybody else as well I'll see you all on Thursday