Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Enema of the Prostate

Episode Date: September 7, 2022

Adam Rowe steps in for Muggins to talk shop and have a bitch with Cream. Adam has been quad biking drunk in the desert and this obviously leads to in depth conversations about poo. What else would you expect from this much requested podcast crossover   ***This episode was recorded during the fringe but the audio was lost to gremlins, however we salvaged the episode by enhancing the audio captured by the camera, better late and slightly tinny than never though right?***

Welcome to the Adam Rowe and Daniel Sloss podcast. We're sorry it's late. We lost the audio file for it. It was touch and go for a second. You weren't going to get it for a second. Then we realised there's actual audio on the video camera. So we've had to use that. So this is just me doing a disclaimer and apologising that the audio isn't at the usual standard. But I'm sure the jokes will be. I haven't seen it myself yet. I'm excited to watch it with you, but just lower your expectations on the audio. Enjoy. to watch it with you, but just lower your expectations on the audio. Enjoy. Might keep this in.

Yeah. Hello, listeners. I'm not sure if this is a Patreon episode. I'm not sure if this is a regular episode, but I do know that it's a good episode. Unfortunately, Kai's not here for this one because, I mean, he's been with me for the past five days, and I think it's a good episode. Unfortunately, Kai's not here for this one because, I mean, he's been with me for the past five days and I think it's fair that he goes and sees his wife and his son slash dog. So I've got the incredibly funny and talented Adam Rowe on the podcast from Have A Word and from, you know, just being generally great at stand-up. We speak about poo heaps. I'm going to say probably for like the first 30 minutes and then we speak. It's heaps of talking shop, talking about comedy. And I mean, I always love, I love talking about comedy. I love dissecting it. I love speaking to people who are as passionate about this job as I am about the craft and

the form. So I hope it's as enjoyable for you as it was for us to record. I'm going to be honest, I had a bit of a rough day today, so I'm definitely a bit more bitchy than I normally am, or I'm just more aware of how bitchy I was. You might listen to this episode and be like, no no that's you sloths that's the type of cunt you regularly are in which case it's just another fucking podcast thank you to the Patreons as always

for your support and your money and the phenomenal things that you make and give us we love you lots and also you regular listeners and watchers

you're okay too They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? I mean, I know how terrible your impressions are in general, but how bad's your Geordie one?

How-way Lines general but how bad's your Geordie one? How weir My Geordie's alright lately and you know, what? Here's my guy, oh mate I've got a little dog Oh I love me fucking dog It's like having a bairn, warm a weirn Oh wait, weirn's Scottish innit?

Yeah Adam Rowe, thank you for jumping on the podcast because Kai is off to Scone Palace though I guarantee the second he walks

on stage despite me telling him several fucking times he's going to call it scone because his wife has made him middle class

where's he from Scone Palace where the fuck's that it's out near Parth oh right okay so it's like one of those fucking nightmare French gigs where you sign up to it and they're like great it's out near Parth oh right okay so it's like one of those fucking nightmare fringe gigs

where you sign up to it and they're like great it's during the fringe and you're like and obviously you're like oh during the fringe

you mean in the fringe and they were like no no no no not that at all I um the first few times

I came up came up for the fringe I always like because of the unbearable burden of what it costs on paper, until you come up, and I always did alright up here because it was pay what you want at Just a Tonic and you're making a bucket every day and you end up making money

like in the end. But I would always put so many gigs in, as many as possible, especially ones that paid. So like, I was going over to like Closed Red Roar in Glasgow and in my head I'm like, that's a great idea, Glasgow's there, the stand's a great club. It's one train. And then that day comes round. I went and closed Rotunda for Alan, Friday and Saturday in the middle of the Fringe for like £150 a night. Because at the start of the festival I was like, that's £300, I might need that come

the end. It's like the third weekend of the Fringe, the bucket's been great every day and I'm like, who in my family could have died? Like believably so that I would be sad enough, sad enough so that I don't have to do the gig but also I can be caught out drinking later and it makes sense. I think you're really overestimating how much empathy Alan Anderson would have if one of your family members died. It's like, tell you what Tony, you just come and talk about them on stage, make a couple of jokes, you know, make a fucking donation.

Start reviewing next year's show now. I've done two extra gigs this festival and both the gigs, I enjoyed them when I was there but it was just like a fucking blunt guillotine hanging over my neck the entire day. My show's on at 5.45 like I get to, I'm a dad. You do and you make pussy work in progress. Yes, yes and I'll now absolutely take the abuse that I deserve but it's my festival and I've earned the right. but it's my festival and I've earned the right to. I get to be home and I'm still enjoying it. Like it's definitely a more dad fringe, but after doing like 12 years of waking up,

I mean, you know, when you fucking wake up, it's not even wake up, when you go outside for a fucking cigarette or a joint and the birds start tweeting and you see kids walking to school and you're like, oh, I fucked this. I have absolutely fucked this. I had a really important meeting last week up here. So this is my second weekend at the Fringe for this year. I was just coming up this weekend, but then I was bored last week.

I had nothing on and I set a meeting up and I come up. And I was like, I'm just going to have a few tonight, because I've got that meeting at 10am that I need to be presentable for. Yeah, 6 o'clock in the morning, with a McDonald's, walking back to the Jury's Inn, on Market Street in town. in Market Street in town. Just going into pitch a project to be like, look, I know you've got questions about how responsible I am as a person, and I will answer them if you'll excuse me while I go and vomit.

But time just doesn't exist up here. No. Do you know what I mean? Because in every other part of your life, really, as a drinker, and I'm a late night drinker, I can go and go and go, and I have a problem where,er I can go and go and go and I have a problem where if I have five drinks in I can call it a five but if I ever have a sixth I'm going to have a 24th

yeah yeah there's no there's such a thing as stopping at five but there's no such thing as stopping between six and 25 yeah yeah that's. That's just... Once you go beyond, you're like, I'm no longer in control. When I'm that drunk, I can't understand. Someone will be like, Adam, we need to go home.

And my brain can't figure out what they're talking about because I'm like, there's a builder over there willing to give us more and you don't want to go into it and I don't understand what the fuck is wrong with you.

Look, it's open. It's there. He's pouring a beer now for someone else. Like, that could have been hard. Yeah, but like every other part of like as a drinker, like late night drinking until five in the morning often involves loud music that you can't talk to people at and like clubs and just... Getting to that point when you, especially in a club,

because your brain just goes, if you're a single person, you're like, right, it's 4 a.m., now's the time to start looking for the maiden of the evening. As opposed to during the Fringe when you're like, who's got the bag around here? But like, in like the industry bars up here, they're open till five. And although,

you know, a lot of the time they're full of people you don't want to have a conversation with. If you've got your own little group in the corner and you sort of just,

you can have a good time until five in the morning having conversations and that's when time disappears. When you're sat around with your mates talking shit and then you go, fuck,

it's five or six o'clock in the morning. Have you ever done the, I think it's like the, you know, the fringe comes with like your own personal little Boy Scout badges or Cubs for Achievement. You know, I stayed up till 5am, I was too hungover for my show and I threw up during a set or I... I think I arrived to Edinburgh with those matches actually have you got the all the artist bars closed I refuse to admit the evening was over so we got a bottle of booze from somewhere and went up Arthur's seat no I've never bothered with Arthur's seat and I think anyone who does is mentally ill hello like like Jordan the Fringe comics are like oh yeah I'm taking the exact same thing because

we've got an artist here. And I was like, you don't need to do it. It's a hill. Don't do it sober. Like, we're not, we're not 45 and trying to rekindle a dying fucking marriage. Like whenever I see people hill walking together, I'm sure you're happy, fresh air, beautiful fucking countryside. But I'm always just like, what a tepid way to try and reignite this.

Unless you're fucking at the top of the hill. Yeah. Like if that's, if it's, if it's dogging, fucking carry on class. Yeah. But if when you and your partner get to the top of the hill and you just take a selfie and go, oh, that was nice. Get out your fucking wee thermos filled with coffee, no sugar, not this time of day. I mean, yeah, if you've, if you've been in a nightclub and you've found the lady that made the

evening as you put it and you're like you know what it's 4 in the morning but we could go fucking Arthur's Seat. That I like the idea. That's good. I've done the Arthur's Seat one where I think it's about fucking seven years ago now. This was even before like I was doing gear like me my friend just got so fucking shit-faced, loft closed, I asked if we could like get a bottle of wine and we're going now. This was even before I was doing gear. Me and my friend just got so fucking shit-faced, loft closed, I asked if we could get a bottle of wine and they were like, I should fuck off, here you go. And we climbed up Arthur's Seat and we got to the top and we're looking around and it took about a fucking hour to get up, which isn't how long it takes.

Like if you go up sober it can take 45 minutes. We get up after a fucking hour, I put a spliff in my mouth and we look at the view and we turn around and there's a taller hill behind us with more people on it. And we're like, oh no. Well, how is there a second head? Why is that one head? Have we just gone up the wrong fucking bit? Did you go up the wrong hill? There's two bits to Arthur's seat, and there's one bit. And that's way longer. Like, is the bit the note?

Because we were like, fucking hell, it's quiet in Arthur's seat. Clearly this is just a day when none of the joggers are out, none of the doggers are out. And, no, just the wrong bit. And it took us five minutes to get down, because just with that drunken confidence, we were like, if you just run down a hill, like survival instincts will make your legs

move faster than they ever have or you turn into that fucking wheel of cheese in wherever it is yeah I I've been struggling for the past week up here with the I mean, it's almost

hack to even talk about it never mind trying to do any humor about it Edinburgh is a hill all of it I fucked me

I was in Dubai a couple of weeks ago absolutely hammered one night and I booked very fringe style I booked a 7am quad bike safari

in the desert great so I was out till 5 by safari excuse my ignorance here an animal safari what are we seeing in the desert. Great. So I was out till five. By safari, excuse my ignorance here, an animal safari? What are we seeing in the desert? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they set a line on you and you've just got to try and escape. Oh my, I know you're joking, but fuck me. That

would be so good. They call it a safari. It's essentially you're just driving around the desert. Yeah. And so I booked, I think it was like a thousand dirhams, which is, it's five times a pound, so it's like 200 quid, or like 1400 dirhams for an English speaking guy. Yeah. Now I went with that. Is it less for, what language do they speak in Dubai? I don't actually know. Give me one more.

Yeah, so it is less, but I'm telling you right now, they just, they took an extra 400 dirhams off me and sent the guy they were almost going to send anyway. Yeah, yeah, it's the same guy, but if you don't pay the money, he just doesn't speak English. Arabic. Arabic, Arabic. He's just talking in Arabic, and you're like,

I don't know what you're saying. He's like... He turned up, and honestly, so what had happened, so was in dubai on my own for a week right i was doing one show and initially when they first booked me they weren't right your show's gonna be thursday night we'll fly about wednesday we'll fly you home friday and i went no that sounds like a lot of traveling in a short space and i'll get no sort of break i was like could you find me out monday you find me home saturday and just pay for the hotel for a week or two nights? And they went,

yeah. I wish I'd done what they wanted to do because being in Dubai in August on your own is insane. There's nothing to do. It's too hot. All my friends who live there

were like, we're not in Dubai, we're in England for the summer because it's 47 degrees and 90% humidity. Just like walking through soup for a week um awful so at one night this and I'm on my own literally on my own so the people who were opening for me were like local comics yeah so I hadn't met any of them till the night so I'm just uh I'm sort of in the hotel and this guy messaged me he's like a fan and he goes

I live in Dubai do you want a pint and initial thought, and you might even listen to this, was a lot of our fans, because he's a fan of Have A Word, are dead sound. 90% are sound and 10% are fucking mental. Right? They're just insane. And that's not enough of a ratio for me to gamble on it. Yeah, yeah.

So I was like, oh, sorry, mate. I was like, I'm actually going to Topgolf, which is like a driving range. Oh, you don't have to. I'm in my 30s and I'm a dad. I'm very aware of what Topgolf is.

I was like, I'm just going there. And he went, oh, I'm a member and I'll meet you there. So I was like, right, okay. So he comes

and he's just dead sound and he's like, right, Topgolf shuts at 11. He's like, do you want to carry on? And I was like, I've had six.

We're going to have 24. So we go to an Irish bar called McGettigan's and I'm out with him until five o'clock in the morning and sort of, to carry on and i was like i've had six we're gonna have 24 so we go to an irish bar called mcgetigan's and i'm out with him till five o'clock in the morning and sort of i get back and i'm like oh sure i've got something on tomorrow and i was like oh the show's tomorrow oh no the show's tomorrow and you've booked a quad bike safari in two hours time right so in dubai i'm sure you know but for any listeners who don't they let you have a drink now there's a lot of bars especially in hotels but it's illegal to be drunk in public still. You're not allowed to be drunk in public.

So, like, is there, have they done one of those sneaky things where, like, you know, you can't leave the bar, walk to another bar, because that's being drunk in public, but there's like an underground tunnel, where they're like, that's the way the Vols do it, and we don't consider them public social groups. It's so technicality. There's so many bars in every hotel. Every hotel will have five different bars that are all packed on their weekends. So, yeah, they're sort of like...

It's illegal to be drunk in public, but they also don't really... Unless you get a police officer who wants to fuck with you, they will just sort of be like British twat do you know what I mean? Yeah. But still

when you've got an anxious mind as I have and you're in a country where it's illegal to be drunk in public and you've drank till 5 o'clock in the morning you sort of have a feeling that it might be a bad idea to be driving a quad bike

in the desert two hours later. This fella turns up he's in like a white van that looks like... If you were going to be casting a van for a film, the kidnap van, he turned up and he's like, Hello, mate. Adam, come on, mate. And I was like, right, OK. Get in the thing. In the front? Yeah, get in the thing. And he goes, so we go out, drive you around in this, and then we give you a quad,

and as long as you like them, we bring you back. Okay? Yeah. Right, okay. So we get there. I'm so drunk and hungover, which is a state that is hard to live with as a person. They put me straight into the shop. The guy comes over to me.

He's got the wrap for your head and the black rope that keeps it on your head. Oh yeah, the cord. And he puts the cord on and he goes, no. And I seen it have medium on it. So he gets a large and he's like, no. He gets a XL, no. Double XL. And then he goes, okay, bigger than it looks. He's like, this one normally for camel, but...

And then he goes back in the van, mate, and he's driving at what felt like 250 miles an hour in a van, up and down sand dunes, and then he goes to me, take your belt off, much more fun. Jesus. Right? So I was like, right,

and I'm so drunk and sort of conscious that I'm just like, I'll do anything he tells me, so I'm fucking all over the place. He goes, right, get out of the van, mate, right? He goes, right, and I'm so drunk and sort of conscious that I'm just like, I'll do anything he tells me. So I'm fucking all over the place. He goes, right, get out of the van, mate. Right, he goes, photo, photo. Takes my phone off me and goes, sit, stand, face this way. And he's like, I've got like a hundred photos. Then he's talking a two minute period.

And then he goes, want to sandboard, mate? And I'm like, what? And he goes, want to sandboard, mate? Sandboard down the hill, mate? And I went, yeah. Yeah, you could have said fucking M. You're a man who drove me up to the middle of the desert. I'm actually grateful it's just sandboarding you've offered me.

Because if I was planning on getting back... He puts me on the sandboard, he goes, don't lock feet in. Don't, no. So there's things for your feet, like a snowboard. But he's like, don't lock, in, don't, no. So there's things for your feet, like a snowboard. But he's like, don't lock, no, you'll hurt bad. I went, right, okay. And he goes, off you go. And I went down, and about three seconds into going down,

I just flew off it. Snow is affectionately called powder by snowboarders. You're just going down sandpaper like that seems like this stupid is fucking thing and i come off it i've got a video of it as well yeah i've got the memory uh i come off it and really really hurt me but was so drunk that i didn't really notice how bad it was so i can't i come off and i can't really move for a minute and he, on the video you can just hear him going You okay mate? You okay? He hasn't stopped filming. Why would he? Not until your body stops moving and then he just like buries it beside you and then like okay and that's what all the actual tunes are out there it's just a pile of people who's done this to before.

Yeah so I thought it was fine I was not going to get looked into but walking up and down the hills of edinburgh as a as aggravated it and i think i might have done something quite serious too oh yeah yeah are you going to do the man thing of ignoring for several more weeks uh slash months and then get it checked i'm gonna just this week i'm just gonna go and get it scanned good um i to, because I'm meant to be going skiing in December, and I don't think that's going to be possible anymore, but I need to know it's not going to be possible, so I'm not booking. Right. Yeah.

There's just no, Dubai has no health and safety laws whatsoever. Yeah. Like, he could tell I was hammered. Like, he knew. Yeah. And he just gave me a quad bike. Yeah. And went, bye.

What happened? There's no, like, oh, follow this route. In the desert, he gave me a quad bike and went bye there's no like oh follow this route in the desert he gave me a quad bike and went come back whenever you like but like are you not terrified of just going in one direction for a fucking bit and then turning around

and not that he's driven the white van away but you've gone beyond the horizon or the fucking you know the mirage thing that you do that is the epitome of my fucking fear because i i know people have survived in deserts for you know very long periods of time if you're acquainted with uh the the place and how to fight war and shelter and shaven ship but it's not people from fucking fife and liverpool like i can barely fucking survive in london I mean, there is literally nothingness for miles. So I won't maybe I've had that same anxiety if I wasn't hammered.

Oh, but I was literally just like, I've got a quad bike in the desert. How fast can I drive this? Like there's other people on quads as well. And I was just racing them all but not telling them we were racing. Which is the easiest way to win a race. Yeah but I felt like they knew and they lost. Because like this like family is like this is great and I'm like fuck I literally couldn't be pulling the thing back any further. At one point I caught so much air because I thought it was just like a little bump and there was just nothing after it and it felt like I was in the

air for maybe a minute which is a fucking long time to not have your wheels on the sun yeah a good experience but see I've never I've never done Dubai just because man I fucking I hate the heat like it's it's just not for me like I'm not fun in the Sun like People are like, why don't you just lie down and relax? I'm like, there's nothing relaxing to me about feeling all the water I need inside of my body, leave my body and congregate at my asshole. And just sort of sit there and make a stand. I'm like this is gonna be a fucking nightmare this like just the sweaty shits you do when like you know you wipe the toilet paper and it was smooth toilet paper before you wiped and when it comes out it's just coarse

yeah and you just go and then later on in the evening you've got those wee fucking and my dad always calls them the crack maggots just like you know the rolled up In the evening you've got those wee fucking, and my dad always calls them the crack maggots. Just like, you know, the mullet up those. Go back to your arseholes. Yeah, like cleaning your arsehole in the shower after a day of shitting. And I have days of shitting. I haven't passed a solid for decades. You're like Cartman. Yeah, I just, like, if anyone had a shit like I have, they would normally call a doctor about it.

Do you know what I mean? And I do them four times a day. And if I'm hungover, it's like six or seven. So when the doctor's like, and how's your bowel movement? She's like, the same as always, four times a day and every second's a nightmare. So nothing new, nothing new, stand or tell. Carl, my best mate describes it as, he says, Adam shits like a cat. He's like, if Adam needs to shit, first of all it's not a surprise,

and second of all, it's happening. There's no like, Adam needs a poo, it's just, Adam's pooing. There's a brief second where he'll look around and be like we're sickest well I guess it's here. Yeah but those if I have like a hangover if I've been on Guinness and I've had Guinness shits all day like for like six of them and then I get a shower in the evening the amount of toilet roll up my arse still the little bomb nuggets of toilet roll, and they just fall out into the shower. Kai is much worse, Kai genuinely, because of his horrendously leaky arsehole, through just years of alcohol, drug abuse, not taking it seriously, and just loving to dig it up

the arse. He will regularly just, you're walking, and I'm like, you're walking a bit funny, he's like, I've got an arse tampon in today. funny he's like i've got an arse tampon in today and you're like what's an arse tampon it's just like you just have to like roll up a bit of toilet paper and you just stem it in there like a just sort of patch over because it's it's gonna it's gonna be a leaky week yeah i so i the the tour i've just finished the closing routine of it was about me going to the doctor about my arsehole. And one of the things, and I imagine this is something Kai suffers with as well, was, and this is a true composite. And if I'm hungover, which I am now, I have sort of very little, if someone asks me a question, I answer it. You've got, you lose the ability to, it's not being dishonest

but there just isn't the forethought to be like this could be embarrassing I shouldn't say this this is too much information it's just truth comes out so the truth of the story which obviously I've sort of embellished it a bit for the routine

I was sat in our podcast studio and Carl was editing that week's episode and I was on the phone to the doctor um on loudspeaker because i was just hungover and i was like i can't even hold the phone here for it i was like carl i'm putting on loudspeaker so he could hear everything and he burst out laughing when i answered the doctor's question because i'm telling him how bad it was i was like i really need to finally get this sorted. And the doctor goes, is there ever any blood in your poo? And I said, without thinking and without blinking, I said, no, but sometimes when I'm hungover,

I'll have a lot of poos. And then I overwipe and cut my arsehole with the paper. And I said it really candidly. And Carl, I just heard him press the space bar and go, what the fuck did you just say to an actual doctor? So then I'm crying laughing. and the doctor's also laughing. I've never had blood in my poo, but recently there's been heaps of poo in my blood.

Is that something I should look into? Have you, I mean, now that everything in your career is going better, I don't imagine you might be saying you're making money now, you know, to go from, especially when you started when you were, I mean I read your post the other day, when you'd fucking have to hang outside Ladbrokes to use their Wi-Fi to book gigs and stuff. Now that you've got a bit of bank, are you tempted in the Japanese toilets? Yeah. So what I've done, so this year I had a break up in January and the house I was living in, I'd lived there with her and also my ex before her. So the house was haunted and I was like I need to...

Just by the ghosts of your previous failed relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, and with both of those women, we had dogs. Yeah. The first girl I was with, who I haven't got a bad way to say about, she's great, just never would have worked out. We got a dog together. I broke up with her, and I was not going to be the guy who's like, I'm breaking up with you, and I'm going to fight you for the dog. So I was like, you take the dog. When I met my most recent ex, she had a dog, but she'd not had it for long and it sort of it was always hers but you know there was never going to be a conversation when we broke up even though like whatever even though you you grew to love the dog and totally and that helps to have

two relationships in one the most recent one ended very very badly as you know um that's awful enough but a house that's normally got dogs in is so unbelievably quiet once you take women and dogs out of it yes so I was like I can't be here

so what I should have done is looked at buying a house in January but in the sort of panic and meltdown

I just got a really really expensive apartment right on the docks of Liverpool so I can't get a Japanese toilet at the minute

because I'm in rented accommodation I can sort of do what I want to the flat as long as I put it back in the end. I imagine if I put one of those in, they wouldn't moan about it. But I'm not going to do that on an apartment that I'll probably be moving out of next year. I'm definitely going to get... They're unbelievable, I mean, I've spoken about it several times in the podcast and, you know, it just does feel like I'm a fucking salesman.

But I've had horrific diarrhea for the last week. Like, just, I'm drinking and, I mean, it's fucking, the fringe is like sending your kid to nursery.

They just, everyone comes back with different diseases. It's just a way of back with different diseases every day. It's just a way of building up everyone's immune system. And the good thing about it, and I'm going to get fucking graphic here, is, you know, if you've had a curry the night before, there's a wee thing that just blows on your arsehole, that just blows cool air, and it's like, it's okay.

It's just like a wee arsehole whisperer. And then just... And I think because like, I think maybe, you know how if you see somebody else yawn, you yawn, I think your arsehole feels like the whole releasing air and it's like, oh I can do that. And then, but I'm sitting there and when you, you know, it's the fucking runs man, it comes out terribly and obviously that's when you want just heaps of water to spray your arsehole. But the same fucking thing happens. If you spray water on your arsehole, your arsehole gets very, very defensive. It gets, like, it's real. And it's like, you know at the end of the fucking Harry Potter movie where just the two wands, like Voldemort and Harry, are in the middle and it's going back and forth. Like one side's diarrhea, one side's clean water.

And sometimes the water wins and it goes up your arsehole. But because it goes in, that's when your arsehole goes, they've breached the gates. They've breached the fucking gates. We've got to send everything out. And just, it's the best. And my fiancée will always, I'll just give her a heads up, because I'm like, I'm going to go to the toilet.

I'm going to go for a shit. She's like, I'll leave the room. Not because it stinks, but just because, you know, you make some of the weirdest noises that I've ever heard in my entire life and I'm like, I promise you, I don't love the toilet more than you. There's no way that that's the case. Oh, you're making like, gold noises on the toilet like, ah, this is great.

Yeah, but peppered in with like, the beat drop of it is an exploding, shouty arsehole that's getting like a mini enema every time my ex-girlfriend used to play music whenever i went to the toilet enema with a prostate that's that's i don't know i don't know what the setup is but there's a punch line if you're at home build your own job yeah um yeah so our bedroom was like adjacent to the toilet yeah if I went for a shit and we were in bed, if we were just sitting in bed watching telly or whatever, when I went she would put music on quite loud because my arsehole makes bad noises, very very bad noises. So Cullen who lives in our basement... Just say house.

Don't make him sound like a fucking troll. But he looks like one. It fits the entire narrative. Throwing fucking ham down the stairs. Cullen dinner serve! Just lowering like potato on a string, like they do in the first Jurassic Park movie. Yes, for the little Irish boy. When we first moved in, there was one feature in his room that we, for the longest time, we could not understand.

Now, the reason we put him in that room is because we're all the way upstairs, we want him to have his own privacy we don't want to you know to feel like he's intruding and just give him his own space and enjoy the space such as his. So the room he's got has a glass door a fully transparent glass door to his en suite. So your face is great and we couldn't work out for the longest time because we're like were the previous owners fucking perverts? Like they're just like there's a bed there. Imagine you

bring a girl or a boy or whatever the fuck you're into back to your house, you shag, it's great fucking fun and they just go I'm just gonna do a bit of cleanup and you're like yeah yeah yeah the bathroom's just, I mean you can see the toilet and then they're just like are you into this? Obviously I'm into this, I have a fucking super door and the only reason this is here is because I couldn't work out how to put a glass panel above me just so you could shit directly into that and for the longest time, because we did think that previous owners were a bit kinky, because, I mean, there's no way they listened to this. When we moved into our room,

in the bedroom, in the cupboard, were two horse whips, like riding whips, in the bedroom. And, you know, when we checked out of the house before we moved in, there was no other horse riding gear. You know, there was no photos of them on horses and like I'm like this is obviously this this has to be a fucking sex thing it's gotta be but like what kind of do you think it was a

power move to leave them yeah like you know you think that's them just like waving at you yeah as they leave they're just like by the way yeah we fuck yeah you think you have kinky sex To leave them? Yeah, like, you know... You think that's them just waving at you? Yeah. As they leave they're just like, by the way, we fuck. Yeah. You think you have kinky sex? We used to do this in the fucking bathroom downstairs. Have you ever even met a horse? Look at that.

I'm allergic to animals. So we did finally work out why the bathroom has a transparent door and it's because the guy who owned it was just fucking mad into green energy and the environment and stuff. So we've got like solar panels on the roof and everything. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. How is that? Where's the... draw the line between those two dots please? So, it's the only room in the house that does not have direct sunlight going into it. Every other room in the house has a window, a skylight or whatever it is, but because

of the setup of Colour's room, it's like the bedroom is here, outside is all there, and this is just a toilet that's fully inside the house. It's the bottom floor, so a skylight would just be into the kitchen yeah which again would be another fucking weird thing for them to do so his way was like oh and if I want natural light in this room it has to come through the window in the bedroom to get there and you're like just just do a door and get up like nobody needs it. You're not sitting there after getting shagged by Ryan Cullen just having the cam drip out of your pussy, having his beady little seagull eyes look at you from the bed.

It's going to make Ryan anxious isn't it because while she's doing that he's got to look somewhere and it can't be where he obviously now wants to look. Yep. Yep. He's got to look at anything. The ceiling can see you cooking. Like where does he point his face at that point? Yeah.

Erm, yeah. I've got an en-suite. I don't shit in me en-suite. I only shit in the main bathroom. That is the statement of a man with a rotten arse. You're like, I would never do that to the place when I sleep near. Yeah, yeah, I just, it's just, like, I'll piss in it, but I'm just not shitting in the ensuite. I just, it's so close to where my head got, like, and, like, if I've had a girl over, like,

and like if I've had a girl over like then I will because I've said to her you could you could use the the proper bathroom yeah yeah yeah

and er yeah I was I've been seeing someone for a little bit and she was she went into the shower and I was just do you know when you start

seeing someone and you just you have to do this sort of like weird play of there's nothing awful about me? Like you can't fart. There's a coffee machine on the ground floor of my building that's just free to use for residents. And I was like, would you like a coffee? She's like, I'd love a coffee.

She's like, but don't go downstairs. I'll just have some instant stuff. And I was like, no. There's a coffee machine downstairs. I'm going to go and get us a coffee from there. And that's the polite way of being like, and you're like, and I'll be seven minutes. I just wanted to fart in the lift. Oh my, I thought you were giving her the time to be like,

now's the time for you to. No, no, no, no. She got in the shower, cause she'd stayed over and I was just, I'd been desperate for a shower. And that is the first and only time I've shit in the other suite. Cause she was in the main bathroom.

And I was like, yeah, you sort yourself out. And I was like, you need to be a while away from where I am and have water dripping onto your head so that you can't hear the monstrosity. And she listens to the podcast that we do, so she knows that there's a problem there. But you don't want it to be real. You don't want to give it a voice.

Yes. She doesn't want to actually hear what's going on. Do you know what I mean? Yes. It's a different day to experience it in real life. I mean, fucking Cara still, you know, I've never seen her shit. I mean, not that it's something I'm on the fucking hunt for.

Baby we're engaged, who in front of me? Look, we 69, I've seen your arsehole. I've seen it wink, I've seen it blink, it speaks to me in worse colds, like I'm acquainted with that area but I understand like it's extra level. I find it so funny that there's still this bit that certain women are like oh you know no I just don't like... and I understand it because you know poos are gross and it's a you know mostly a private thing but I'm just like we share everything with each other and like I'll shit with the fucking door open with her like I'm gonna do that no I think it's a breach of the Geneva Convention

I'm like I'm like a dog man I need somebody to watch me so that like because I'm at my most vulnerable so I'm like I need you to be there just in case an attacker comes in I'm already having a battle on this end. I'm filling the fucking water fountain here. If somebody comes in with a knife, I need you to... See, if I was shooting with the door open and an attacker come in, they would leave. They're just like, you know what mate? Keep your stuff.

I'm just going to take the stuff from the kitchen. Can you pass me the kitchen till I... This doesn't quite have the textile strength that I need for the nightmare that's just been committed. Look, I know what you're saying about sort of watching a relationship. You share everything and it should be okay. However, I won't tell you which one, but one of my ex-girlfriends was very early on,

just we were lying in bed together. We'd been on maybe three dates. And she just farted big. on just we were lying about together I we've been on maybe three dates and she just just farted big and I went I looked at her were you impressed as if it had been a fart from a bloke would it have been impressive oh yeah yeah yeah I'd have been proud of it 100% Great, excellent. Well done and God bless her. Well, so I was just so confused but also couldn't stop laughing. You know like when a chimpanzee sees a magic trick? And then hysterically laughing. And she just set that stall up really early.

She was like, this is a normal thing that everyone does and you can fart in front of me. I think that's fourth wave feminism is farting before your partner does as a woman is just, you know. It was so brazen. But then honestly,

that woman had the worst smelling gas. And from literally three dates in, I had to just be okay with it. Yeah. And it was awful. Because the hypocrisy of you being like, this isn't gonna work out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because your butthole makes it's like do you know

when you just you don't you with your partner and you've got you're just in a mood one day and like there's some like with me i won't pick a fight with stuff that i think is worth fighting about unless it's really really great but i just can't be asked with the thing and it was so bad and so and i wouldn't just let go in front of her because mine smell horrific do you know what I mean and she just farted in bed and I was just in a bad mood and I was like you're gonna have to start going on the landing right I said it because I was in a mood and it had just broken me because it was awful I was in a bad mood already and then there's just this weird smelling thing going to mine thrust into my face and I went you're to have to start going on the London trip. What do you mean? I went, every time you need to fart,

you should go out that door and do it up there and come five Mississippi and then you come back into the bedroom because I can't live with this anymore. And she was like, you're in a bad mood. And I was like, yeah. Do you have to go on the London trip to fart? No.

It would be ridiculous. Like everyone, you know. I'm going to have to get high on my own supply. I've been doing coke for years so I've got high tolerance. I don't know what fucking fentanyl cup meth you've got in there but it is brutal. Have you seen any great shows at the Fringe this festival? Every show I've seen bar one, which I'll tell you after... Yes, fucking please! I left one show, like, half an hour in. Really?

I was right at the back, so it felt like you could see a comic leaving. Yeah. Like, I wouldn't do that. Like, if I knew the comic or I knew they knew me, and I was sat there and they'd see it, I would never leave. Because, you know, I'm not going to be an asshole. Yes, of course. And because, I mean, I don't know if you're the same, but as a comedian,

when I see people leave, even though I know 99.9% of the time it's somebody going to the toilet or it's somebody going to get a drink or they're found, they're just going outside for a fucking bit. Whenever they leave, I just go, what joke did I just tell?

And what bit... You know, you're just doing a joke about dogs, and you go, oh, fuck, that person has a dog that died, and that's why they've left. And then you think about that for five minutes, and then you come, they come back in, and you're like, oh, phew, the dog's still alive. Like they were checking, is the dog alive?

Okay, I kind of did it, yeah. No, the show's great. The show's great. I just, I fucking love that part. Yeah, your instinct is always that... You've done something, and it's... I don't mind if people are offended by stuff I fucking say. I always think, if you just get up and leave,

fucking that's the way to do it. Absolutely. I'm 100% on board with you with this. So I've had conversations with other comics about this who do sort of provocative stuff, and they're like, fuck it, people leaving. I'm like, isn't that what you want, though? Like, if someone doesn't like what you do, them getting up and going,

I'm going to just leave the building, is the right thing to do. They're not moaning. They're not heckling. They're not saying you shouldn't be able to say it. They're literally going, this isn't for me, bye. If everyone just did that, and that's the perfect system. Well man, that's why I

feel like, you know, fucking when people get, when comedians get cancelled online, right, and they go, all these people are fucking, you know, they took this joke that I did and all these people online fucking hate me and they're never going to come and see me. You go, good. You don't want those people in your fucking crowd. Like, the act of you being cancelled there is a bunch of people who were never going to come and see you in the first place. And who, if they did come to your gig, you'd fucking hate it because they wouldn't enjoy it. They'd be in pockets of the room making sounds

and then they'd eventually leave and give you the fucking mental thing that we have of what have I done. It's the best. And now also, people who have never heard of your comedy, now know you say controversial shit. Yeah, you might have actually found a new thing. I got really pissed off recently. So there's,

and I don't know whether you'll leave, I mean, you will leave this in, I suppose. There's two lads who do a podcast called Trigonometry and they went on Rogan's thing and they were going, oh, in the UK. They're grifters. They're grifters.

Yeah, you can't, in the UK, everything we've seen at Rogan's thing and they were going oh in the UK grifters they're grifters yeah you can't in the UK everything we've seen at Rogan's comedy club last night you'd be banned from comedy clubs

in the UK you can't like you can't get away with stuff and it's particularly offensive that to me who wants to

wind the audience up and only really started getting any career traction once I started doing that type of stuff I wasn't also around doing

hey you hear what this girl said on the bus for seven years and then I was like this is shit I want to actually say something and be a bit of a wilder

that's when I started getting booked properly like that so such utter nonsense and there were also moments

there's a comedy club in London or a comedy night and you have to in advance of doing the show you have to submit essentially a synopsis of your set so that they can go to their audience, right, this guy talks about this, this, this and this

and if anything of that would be upsetting for you, you might want to leave and this comic is on. And they're moaning about that gig, going it's insane that any comic should have to do that. And I'm like, you both do Comedy Unleashed, which is the same gig, just for the opposite side of the Koyan people. And these aren't all the fucking gigs. It's one gig where they go, hey, there are some people out there who are introverted,

and you know what, they are easily upset because of the trauma that's happened in their life. So what we're trying to do is, you know, everyone fucking gets, I mean, the amount of fucking right wing people that get unironically triggered by the word safe space. Like the fucking rage. It's like, there's a safe space! You're like, man, there's a vein popping out in your head. And that keeps them out of the normal company clubs. Yes, where they'll get upset. This is a, it's one fucking club where they go, you know what, we're trying, it's the equivalent of fucking yelling at a cinema that puts on the audio description movies

and you're like, but I've got eyes! Then see the other fucking shows you stupid cunt! Avoid the one that's clearly not for you! Yeah, we took care of it. And I'd much rather do that gig than Comedy Unleashed. 100%. Because there's a skill to dance in that line and not upset in that audience while still doing the comedy you want to do, rather than just going to a room where they want you to say Jew with a bit of stank on it.

Yes, yes. When you say you can't say anything anymore you go you can you can say anything but you can't say the two words I know you want to say. That's what you mean! There's two words, it's a P and an N and that's what you mean that you can't say anything anymore, innit? So fucking dull, man. Honestly, like the... I mean, comedy at least, I could talk about them forever, but if I did, I would give them a career. There's comics who play it that I think are good comics. Jeff Norcutt's a class comic. Totally. And there's a handful of people who do it and they're just like, oh, there's a place for this show. And there's people who do it because they think normal audiences can't handle their stuff. And what is actually happening is they're terrible at comedy. I've got not an ounce

of nuance in their set. And an audience goes, this is horrible and you're shit. Yeah. There's no cleverness. This isn't ironic stuff, you're not making a point, you're just saying horrible shit for the sake of horrible shit. And you know what, there is an audience for that, and this is the problem with that, some of the comedians that go on comedy are fucking unleashed, and it happened to fucking Andrew Lawrence, right, which was, you know, he went fucking right, and then he fucking leaned into it, and now, when he goes on stage, and Andrew Lawrence, I'll'll fucking admit this he's an unbelievable writer he was such a fucking good stand-up he was unfollowable back when he was doing the comedy store and everything he now fucking hates his career because he leaned into

the right and and then he got his own you know all his lefty fans left all his centre ones left because he was a fucking prick and now he goes on stage and there are people laughing at his jokes not ironically they're not they're just they don get it. They don't get it. They don't understand the cleverness of it. They're just being like, this is the guy that pointed out that it was only black players that missed the penalties for England. Like this is the fucking guy. I can't wait to see him live in a room where there's no woke cunts. Say it. Fuck everybody says it. And then Andrew Lawrence is up there talking about his kids having these fucking rants and they're just going say it. Say the fucking words. I paid 20 quid to hear you say the word that I'd love to

say. There's two comedians in comedy Unleashed whose names I won't mention because, again, if I were to say their names I would triple their fucking fanbics because they're so shit and far beneath me. One of them, and this is, I don't know how you feel about this and I think this is I feel not shitty for having this opinion no a little bit I really struggle to respect any comedian that believes in a God right like they know exactly what you mean yeah because it doesn't really make sense to be both. You can't be free-thinking. You can't be analytical enough to be good at comedy.

And not watch out the big line. And not go, hang on, I haven't looked at this book. Yeah. And pulled apart every problem with it. Comics, our job, sorry. Our job is, well, a very eclectic-tasting comedy and I think there's space for all types of it, from one-liners and quirkiness to... To fucking mime, to sketch, to everything. Totally. But we're not too far away from each other. It's concept comedy, isn't it? Here's

the thing, I'm going to talk about it, punchline, punchline, punchline. Hey, I was right all along. Yeah. And sometimes I'm going to make something that is definitely wrong sound correct. And that's the trick. Well, I've said on other podcasts, I like to treat comedy like I'm a defence attorney, like a lawyer. I don't care if my client did it. Can I get it off? That's a great argument yes. It doesn't matter whether he did it can I get this jury slash audience to go not guilty? That's what I want to do is yeah we all know that this thing kills so many people but... My joke is OJ Simpson and I want him to walk free.

Alfie Brown calls it making bad points well. Yes. One of these fucking comedians isn't just a Christian, like a real God-bothering Christian. This motherfucker is a stamp licker and by that I mean he worships, he licks the Queen's arse. And still at this point, still bags Bojo. What? Yeah, I'll tell you, I mean, you know, you'll know who he is, I'll tell you his name fucking afterwards, but like, his whole, you know when, you know when teenagers and young adults sometimes they've not discovered who they are they're sort

of in the world and they're on social media and they're learning about all the opinions and and theories that are in the world and and but they want to be rebellious but their their form of rebellion is to just go against the grain like they, they'll just be like, they'll say things, you go, you don't believe that opinion. You just have that opinion because you saw the masses have that opinion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you've decided to be a fucking edgelord.

It's the fucking epitome of this. It's just like, literally something would happen. Like, you could literally have, you know, somebody walk into a school in the UK, right, and just get the keys to a fucking steamroller and just go around the fucking nursery just pancaking all these kids and like fuck it

I don't think we are every single person in the UK would be like what a terrible crime and this guy would be like You know what? It's it could be what we don't know what those kids could have grown up to be Who knows how many monsters were that people always say they would go back in time and kill Hitler. Maybe that's what this guy was doing. Maybe he just thought this was the one school where all the... I find it so exhausting to passionately... Just to try... What's the word I'm looking for? When you're just counting something for the...

Contrarian. Contrarian, thank you, yes. Constantly and the contrarian contrarian thank you yes constantly and deliberately contrarian yes which like

on our podcast have a word that is what I do with obvious insanity tongue in the tongue firmly in the

fucking cheek twinkling we will get a letter written in from someone going oh you know me girlfriend's doing this or like me girlfriend's doing this,

or, like, me boyfriend's doing this. Like, he's being an arsehole. Can you please have a word with him? Whatever. And Dan would be like, yeah, we need to solve this person's problem. And I'd be like, hey, she sounds like a cunt. And every week, Dan's like, Adam, can you take one of these seriously? I'm like, I am taking it seriously.

She's the problem. This comic had... He's taken it down down so I'm fine with telling this story because people won't be able to work out who it is. I don't mind people discovering it because if you discover him, again, you'll just find out that he is pathetically shit at comedy and there's even, again, there are right wing comedians I find funny. Jeff Norcott's really fucking good. There are people who I disagree with politically who are still very, very funny. He does not fall into this category.

Aye, aye! He's got a video of a comedian destroys heckler. And I swear to fucking God, Adam, this is the entire fucking video. He's doing a joke at one of the easiest clubs to get laughs at in London, right? And he's getting laughs, fair enough. It's not huge, but in his head he's ripping it because he's delusional.

Even though he's here, he's just getting the same reaction as everyone else. Some drunken woman just sort of says something and he sort of goes, what? And again, again,

comedian destroys headboard. He basically spins over it. And she says something again and he went, shut up, Karen. And dropped the mic. That is the entire video. That is the entire video.

It was his pinned fucking tweet. Sorry, just some technical difficulties there. Just some facts. Yeah, yeah. Just facts getting in the way of a good podcast but it's just it's man i find this so much is that you know i love this industry you know i think it's deeply flawed and i think there are a thousand ways to improve it and i don't think it improves at the rate that it needs to but i do see consistent progress yeah especially in the past a

couple years I think it's becoming better but there's still just when society moves on there's just it's like it's like pensioners that won't die right you know pensioners that just fucking sit there and just don't upgrade their thoughts don't change their view of the world and they just sit there and they still fucking vote. Comedy has that, because for some reason, there are comedians that have just been going for long enough

that they're just entitled to get, because, you know, oh, you've been doing it for 20 years, and you're like, yeah, but they've been shit for 20 fucking years. These are the comedians that, like, you know, they used to do Jonglers, right, and they used to do the same fucking

20-minute set around the country, because there were 70 Jonglers comedy clubs, so they could just tour, tour, tour, not touring, but do the clubs all the weekend, same material for five fucking years. And these are the same cunts that when you, me, Chris Ramsey, Ian Sterling, Joel Donovan, any of the fucking other young comics started, they were complaining about us because we would turn over material. Yeah.

Like to a degree that they just never understood. You don't know what it was like. We used to do Thursday, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday and Sunday and now that doesn't happen. I was like, yeah, because they went and seen you three times. And every time they came back it was the same fucking cadence. Never mind a new bit. It's like these cunts would walk on stage, pull a string on their back, say it, and say the jokes again, and then would just be shocked

when everyone else fucking surpassed them. It's madness. It's like slowing down. It's like walking for an entire marathon and just being upset that some cunt dressed as Tinky Winky runs past you. Do you know what? For me, I think you're absolutely right.

And I think a lot of that sort of bitterness and jealousy, and this is where comedy has changed and is changing, and this is for the greater good, I think. I think comedy is becoming a much more creator-led industry now. You can make your own stuff. Yes. It's never been a meritocracy because off the curb exists. Yeah.

So there's always been a sort of, well, we've signed this guy, so he's obviously going to do this show. All of our television shows. And because we run all the comedy shows on BBC and stuff, we're going to put our people on. Totally. But now, like, there is more value in doing, you know, going on off menu or...

Going on have a live yeah do more for your sales and career and fan base wise than doing qi yeah just because more people watching yes because telly is not what and it also people are less bothered about getting certain stuff some people still want it and i there's a couple of shows on TV that I would love to do. Don't get me wrong. I'm very much, I have... I'm going to assume, I'm going to speak for both of us here

when I say Taskmaster. Yeah. So Taskmaster is now the only TV star maker. If you do Taskmaster, you could tour off the back of that alone and you'll do okay. Yeah. In addition to any fan base you've already got.

Michael McIntyre's roadshow used to be the career maker that was what launched kevin bridges sarah millican john bishop mickey flanagan and there was like different there was different level success like those were the ones that got the overnight career like kevin bridges sold out his entire fucking french run had to put on a thousand extra shows sarah millican became sarah millican john bishop flagan, we all know. And then there was like a step down, there was like the second one where you got success, you got bit, but it wasn't the overnight success. And then there were the people that, if I was to say to you, they were a Michael McIntosh roadshow, you'd go, what? That's mad! They're

a bin man now! There's so much less career makers like that but I think that's better it's so much better and what it's done is comics are a lot less jealous of each other

and they're helping each other more and getting on each other's podcasts and doing stuff well I think you guys are a fucking massive influence on that part

because you know I mean for us you've been and I know you've done it with other podcasts you've got no problems sharing your knowledge sharing your experience and being like fuck it let's all do this this is great it's it's the i always look at new york and la la less so now because everyone's fucking left but i was like the uk is normally five to ten years behind it in terms of comedy wise yeah and I just looked at what they were doing over there,

and I was like, we can be the first to do it here. And pulling the ladder up, rather than just helping people up the ladder, is such an old way of doing stuff. And it's an old way of thinking. Like, for us, if we give another podcast a bit of a boost when they start, and it becomes this massive podcast,

and they've now got their own fan base, and they find it away from the initial oh, 20% have a way to now listen to this as well. They're building a fan base that means when I've got

a special to plug or a tour to plug, I can go on their thing that they've now built and it benefits everyone for all of our friends to have successful shows that you can then go,

hey, I've got something to do, can I come and do it us being in control of it is much better than some twat who went to oxbridge going yeah no it was really funny for an hour but you know it just i just don't think it can't say i've never stepped foot in a fucking comedy club and i always uh coming up and telling you've been like this is what i think your audience would enjoy. You don't know what my audience would enjoy.

Like, BBC really fucking leans on the fact that they had some brilliant comedy shows over the year, but they've got such a short-term memory with all the fucking dribble they made. When they took talented comedians and were like, right, we're going to tell you, we're going to give you the vehicle we think it should be. Like, I mean, from my own fucking example,

The Adventures of Daniel, which was the pilot for my BBC Three sitcom when I was 18 years old. The initial idea was, have you read the book I killed? No. Oh, I'll lend you it. It is, I think every comic should read it. The Four Words by Jerry Samuel fell. Two road comics in America who've been going for 25 years just got all the other comedians to send in their road stories.

They're most mad. So Chris Rock's in it, Dave Chappelle's in it, Mike Myers, it's like... Sounds right up my street. Oh, it's such an unbelievably good book. I was like, I'd like to do a show where I'm a new comedian and every episode outside of it we ask a comedian to tell one of their stories and then in the show the story happens to me the young comedian but whoever the villain in their story is is played by the person who told us the story right I fucking love that idea I bet you people

loved it and the BBC was like oh oh, brilliant, brilliant, we think that's, what an unbelievably good idea. Or, or, because we love comedy. Hope we get a vampire in it. No, we may. Adam, I'm going to safely assume, like most people, you haven't seen The Adventures of Daniel. The whole show is, I'm a comedian, and I have a girlfriend and her parents, oh, Adam, don't they hate me.

Hey, they're not chuffed about old sloth's little hair boy. And wouldn't you know it, her older sister has a boyfriend who they love and I am irked by that. But you know what, my girlfriend, she loves me and then one day she's, ooh, I'm doing a gig and she decides tonight's the night and we're going to have the sex and I'm, ooh, I'm doing a gig, and she decides tonight's the night and we're going to have the sex. And I'm very excited because I'm clearly an ugly little virgin, because that's funny.

Because, you know, they saw the success of The Inbetweeners, and as the BBC famously does, they went, ooh, copy paste. And the end of the episode is me getting my hand stuck in a condom machine. You're not laughing. I just think that we need to... I'll take it. Won't be 30 minutes. I need the condoms for the sex.

No! I know! No, I get it now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can't get it out. No. But when I tell you... It's stuck in there. Oh, the fire brigade have You can't get it out! But when I tell you... It's stuck in there!

The fire brigade have to come! When the fire brigade walked me past my girlfriend's family, do you think they like me now? Am I the new favourite? Did that make everything worse? That relationship? Well, I don't know. We didn't get an episode two for some reason. I stuck one of the mics here going right on it. It was still on, it just went red, sorry.

My agent has a copy of The Adventures of Daniel and she sent it to me. She was like, do you think you're ready to watch this again? And I was like, you know what, maybe because, you know, 12 years has passed. I'm a different person now. I'm successful and I've got the career

that, you know, not even the career that I always wanted, a career that I never dreamed of. It's upside the love of my life. The person who loves me unconditionally knows my soul

and still loves me. She lasted four minutes minutes four minutes into that sitcom where she went I just can't watch this like it's so cringeworthy and embarrassing and awful and it wasn't my fault it wasn't the fucking directors fault it wasn't the fucking writers the writers of the show were very talented, but the BBC just comes in and they go, this is what you need to do to make a good TV show, as opposed to just creating content. And that's why I'm so fucking... When BBC Three died, I laughed my fucking ass off. Because I'm like, that's what you get for not trusting talent.

Like, you are producers, your job is to find people you think are funny funny and then give them the chance to create what they want that's where you end up with brilliant shows like I think you should leave like shows where people just go this is what I find funny and people need to go right we don't know what's funny we know what's funny because we laugh at it but we don't know how to do it we're just going to trust you to do that and there's so little of it now but now because people are creating their own things. So the next step for me, for Have A Word, is exactly that. So we're already creating stuff that, for anyone who doesn't know about it, so we do a public episode every week that

has a guest on, we do an extra episode every single week that's just me and Dan for Patreon only. And then every month, on top of that, they also get a Patreon special, which is, we make it up as month to month, what are we going to do on this one? So we did a live show, which was the roast of Adam and Dan, an American-style roast. Me and Dan sat on a couch.

Alfie Brown, Ishan Akbar, Brennan Rees, Finn Taylor, Freddie Quinn, and Rob Mulholland hosting it. And just, you could never have put those roast jokes on TV. Like, the worst thing, the worst things anyone has ever said. We cut two things out because they were too bad, and that's for our listeners going on our Patreon, which is pretty fucking wild.

Okay, please after this, tell me. Just two things, I don't think that was fair. But some of the stuff that got, like, just, oh, Mark Nelson was on as well. Oh, great. Mark Nelson's joke to Rob Mulholland was... Rob Mulholland is a big... This is not as brutal, just so great.

He said, Rob Mulholland is a big fan of Leeds because it's the only way he can get his girlfriend to go for a walk with him. Brennan Reese went on in a blue varsity jacket and a red cap and said, I got told it was Fancy Desk, I've come as Adam's mum, I'm Ash from Pokemon. Oh that's a belt. It was insane so we did that. Two months after I became single we did Blind Date. Dan was dressed as C as silver black we were saying all the entire time he had still a black dog we have me a wall and three women on the other side and we did that and that went out in patriot and we're trying to do more on location stuff and sort of concepts that i think long term tv companies or streaming services might go oh they know exactly what they're

doing and we should just give them a budget so one thing we're going to do we haven't even mentioned this to our listeners yet so I mean it's fine so

there's a restaurant in Liverpool called Lubang we know the guy who's the head chef and the owner of the place we are taking it off him on a Tuesday night

and we're going to staff it full of comedians right just the wait staff? No. No, that would be... No. Every single member of staff working that night will be a former Have A Work guest. So, as in some of them are going to be cooking the meals? Yeah. And is the restaurant just for the patrons? So're not letting the customers come in? So we are gonna sell tickets, which will, you know, they'll be, and you'll get a set menu.

So it'll be a starter, main, and dessert. Me and Karl are gonna be the bartenders, because we go about a week, and we're good with cocktails and stuff, so me and Karl are gonna run the bar, we're gonna put Dan the maitre d'. All right. And cook.

Cook, but then you are not gonna be the chef. I just, I want it to I want people to come and enjoy the food and have a nice time but I just want a bit of chaos as well and we're going to

make that film and put it on Patreon but I think concepts like that are what will take Hathaway from a podcast

that is creating some stuff to a fully fledged production company where people are like oh they know exactly and it was all Carl's idea it who is my best friend and our producer and he's just, he's gone from not knowing how to edit anything to becoming one of the

best comedy producers in the entire country within two years. Because he trusts and he knows, and he actually, unlike so many producers, not just from the BBC but all these fucking high up execs that don't go to comedy clubs. He actually loves comedy. He ran Baby Blue and he ran Hot Water. He ran Baby Blue? Yeah. Oh fuck, I must have... He'd done a decade working in comedy clubs.

Right. He went to Japan for a year with his missus who teaches English as a foreign language. And while he's out there he's ringing me and he's like, when I come back, you know, I want to work in comedy but I can't work in bars anymore, so what am I going to do? And the timing was perfect. As he arrived back in the UK, me and Dan were just like, we don't like editing this stuff that we make. So we were like, look, we'll give you £10 an hour

and just figure it out. And then he got so good at it, and he's on mic as well, we're like, we're just going to have to give you a cut of the company. It needs to be in your interest for this to grow into the juggernaut it is on its way to being. I think it's better to say it's already a fucking juggernaut. Yeah. I'm very conscious with Have A Word that for a decade,

as what I consider myself to be an underdog, I've been very loud. I've been like, I'm great, come and see me. Push, push, push, plug, plug, plug, promote, promote, promote. I definitely know for a fact that annoyed other comedians But the reason it fucking annoyed them is because so many comedians never had the fucking courage to do it themselves Totally and now those comedians come and ask for advice But because Have A Word is so insanely big and has become what it is I'm just conscious of not doing that with that

Because everyone's like yeah because for a while when I was doing it about myself I was an underdog working class scouse comic

with no agent and all that sort of stuff so as much as it will piss the odd comic off he's like this guy talking about himself

all the time online and posting fire emojis and whatever it served a purpose to sort of create a perception that I was doing better than I even was. We'd have a word, it's like if you do it on top of how fucking insane it is then you just look like a complete cunt. I also think, I get fucking dead tempted to now, because I do have, and I shouldn't have it, I do have a little bit of bitterness in this industry just with particularly how you know I'm famous everywhere in the world apart

from England like and that's and that's and that's not England's fault and it's not my fault it's in my head the most comedy scenes in the season. Yeah but I remember talking to you about a sort of tangent to that a while back, it was almost deliberate wasn't it? You very much focused on live tour and doing stuff in the States rather than trying to do Live at the Apollo or trying to do Mock the Week. Well no no, live at the Apollo and Mock the Week were offered me when I was 18 and 19 years old and they said no and then after I'd done Conan they were like, oh we'll have you on now and you're like, fuck off, help at the start or never come back.

You don't get to jump in on the success that I worked for and that you not only didn't help with but you gave work to comedians who did not work as hard as me and my friends and you gave it to them because you run the fucking production company yourself. And it's all but a kind of all that fucking... Mark the Apollo was the show I cared the most about doing. Aye. So did I. It fucking broke my heart, to you know, to grow up watching it and then to know... It was that, it was the nostalgia of it and my relationship with comedy is very much tied to the relationship I had with my mum before she became Ash from Pokemon.

We weren't here and my dad broke up, I would go to bed with my little brother and as soon as he fell asleep I would come back out and watch TV with my mum and it was always just comedy. And Life of the Apollo was a big part of that. So I just wanted to be part of that show's history. It used to be if you did Laugh at the Apollo you could tour... It was a crew maker. And the reason it wasn't a crew maker is because they started putting on their own undercooked fucking acts and they lowered the standard of the show.

F***ed! F***ed. Yeah, there's not many shows I give issues about. Taskmaster you were right. Would I Lie To You, because I think I'd be very good at it. Yeah, also I like Would I Lie To You, it's a fun one. I also love a lovely Mac. Oh and Mitchell, they're such a perfect pair. And Rob Brydon is sincerely one of the nicest men in this industry.

Yeah and you can tell, it's just radiating. Oh, I did one, I did the Rob Brydon show when I was about 18 or 19 years old, and he, my mum was there with me, and he was so nice to me, so, you know, generous with his time and afterwards, with compliments and everything, just, you know, he saw a young comic, and he, you know, boosted him up.

And then I was in a charity gig with him, it must have been two years later, and I fucking swear to God he remembered my mum's names, my dad's names, he remembered their parents' names because he had a brief conversation with them. He approached them like they were just with me and he went, Leslie Martin! I'm like, this fucking guy. I look like a fucking belly. Yeah, you can tell he's really sound. And that's so much more important than being a brilliant comic when you're talking to people.

You remembered that specifically because of how nice he was, not how funny he was on the record. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he was funny. My mum's story from that is I was on with Stephen Fry and I went on and I was nervous as fuck because it was very early on. And during one of my jokes, I said, fuck. And because it was very early on and during one of my jokes

I said fuck and because it was prime time you couldn't swear so they literally while I was doing the set they were like they wait till the end of the joke they weren't dicks but they were like we're gonna have to ask you to do that one again which is I mean I'm in front of the others going oh fuck you know okay okay so I have to my mom's backstage and she's just she seizes up and stephen fry leans over puts her hand underneath and just went don't worry i'm gonna go in and say cunt i had to do a pickup at the apollo oh yeah so my the the i wrote a routine so the routine i mentioned before about going to the doctors is essentially me cutting off GPS receptionist Yeah, right and I wrote that for the Apollo so I got told in July

You've got it you doing it and I was like right I've got me Victoria secret routine that the year before would have been That's what I'm doing. Yeah, I'll do that as a backup, but I'm trying to write a new bit and They didn't end up using that they used the victoria secret routine because the doctor's receptionist routine and the going to the doctors was too long and he was like it's 18 minutes long if i cut it down to seven i can't get the context and that makes yeah yeah he was like he's like even for the 12 minute aaron it's hard to get enough of it in so we're going to use the other thing but on the night so i i do a really sort of bastardized impression and make her sound like an arsehole of the woman who answers the phones at my previous surgery and uh hello my name's janice i'm from hornspit medical

center and i come off stage i've had a really good set, I'm like, I need the execs there, and he goes, is Janice real? And I went, yeah. And he goes, and is Hornsfoot Medical Centre your medical centre? I went, yeah. He went, you need to go back on and just say, hello, I always said, Janice is real, but it's not her name, but Hornsfoot Medical Centre is a medical centre. He goes, you need to go back on and just do like four or five, hello, my name's Janice, I'm from a medical centre. He goes, you need to go back on and just do like four or five, hello, my name's Janice, I'm from the medical centre. So I had to go back on. To the audience?

To the audience. Oh my God. And literally go, so the compere was Jen Brister, and she went, apparently someone's got to do a pick-up, we're just going to find out who. Oh, it's Adam. And I went back on and I went, look, apparently I can't name the medical centre on the BBC for legal reasons.

So I'm going to have to just do it. And I did about 40 lines of, hello, I'm Janice, I don't name the medical centre on the BBC for legal reasons. So I'm going to have to just... And I did about 40 lines of, and it just got more and more funny every time I did it again. And so they had to want to use the shushie by the end of the... And then it didn't go in! It didn't go in at all, like none of it went in. Fucking bastards, man.

Yeah, I was on stage for another five to ten minutes just going, I like it. As people are like leaving, getting their coats and stuff. Tell us about your special. Yeah, so at the minute, I'm in such a weird sort of month career-wise as a comma because my agent a week ago decided he's not going to be an agent anymore and he's going to take a job at global radio so having

that happen which is fine he's gonna double his salary and good for him whatever having that happen when you've spent 30 grand taking a special and you're trying to pitch it to a certain company yeah is an odd situation to be in yeah so we don't

quite know what platform it's going to be on the special is a filming of the tour that I just done we taped it the film on a call in Liverpool

great fucking room it's so good and we did it twice so we did the month before I'd done it and I sort of had that. The second show was just all the pick-ups from the first one.

Well, I did pick-ups. I got called to sit there and just literally write everything and I slid. So at the end I just did them again to give it a clean. It looks... I haven't watched the edit yet, but the visuals of it was incredible. The audience... it was the best night of the tour, which, you know, for that to happen. Yeah, for homecoming gig for you, of course it is. Yeah, but it was even so much better than the month before, when we did in Taper.

It was just so, so good. Such a good night. It's going to be called Imperious, if you follow me on social media. I think Instagram's Adam Rowe Comedian, Twitter's Adam Rowe Comedy, for whatever reason. It will be pushed everywhere when we I should know

within a week sort of where it's going to go sweet it will either be on a streaming service or it will be on YouTube and I'm quite comfortable but when I say

a streaming service we're trying to sell it to Netflix yeah of course and if they don't take it it will go on YouTube because we've had an offer from other streaming services

but I want people to see it I don't want to just make the money, I'd rather take the loss on what we've spent on it and use it to promote the next one. Man, I mean the proof of that is in fucking Mark Normand and Sam Morrill and I mean I mean Bo Burnham originally did it with fucking Watt. Yeah. It was on YouTube. That is the way to do it. Like, I'm, you know, for years I've had arguments with my management and stuff about I want to release my stuff on YouTube. Because once you've got fucking fan base, and once the show's done, they just want to

see it. And they want to see it. And what they'll do is they'll spread it to their friends. And the more people that come see it, it's, you know, it's all about selling the next tour. Yeah. And the bigger you come it's all about selling the next tour. And the bigger you come in, then hopefully the fucking next special, because places like Netflix,

and I know how much Netflix can change your life overnight. The reason they didn't want, well, no, they didn't want any extra specials from me, but it was just like, you had a special two years ago, so we're not gonna give you a new one, so just sit on that special. I'm like, I'm not an American comedian I'm a British comedian which means I write a new show every year or every two years I'm not holding any of these back I'm

gonna say that now I'm fucking sitting on three but I'll be releasing them at some point this year as well yeah I'm excited for it to go the only only special I've put out before was essentially two club sets there's a special already on YouTube called Avon Row Club Comic and it was the early show

and the late show at the Comedy Store in London and I just did a totally different set of both and put that out as a

I think there's about 35 minutes to stand up on it so this new one will be the first full hour visually it looks unbelievable. I can't wait to see

the edit of it. And if it goes on YouTube, which I'm expecting it to, it will be the best looking special on YouTube. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Like,

it's in a massive room in a big theatre, full production, Sony Venice cameras, which they use to film Top Gun Maverick. Like, we went fucking balls to the wall with it and we were like,

let's just make, regardless of where it's going to go, the most incredible product we can. Well done, man. That's the way to do it. Yeah, and Will who filmed it, who is our in-house videographer at Havre Worth, he'd never been given such a big job and he raised his game so high. We're a proper good team around us I'm really excited for the score and I think it is the best hour I've done so far but that naturally happens when you're a comic you tend to get better at it

you do and I hope you have the wherewithal to know that when you do a fucking shite show that you go oh maybe that actually wasn't my best work yeah and then if the show after that is worse than that it's time to fucking become a TV presenter yeah yeah yeah I'm just a podcaster now thanks so much for coming on the podcast it's always a pleasure

very very fun punch in the pint that was a good bar yeah man yeah nice one cheers Cheers. you