Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 14 Jean joins the party

Episode Date: November 17, 2016

Cream tries to carry the podcast because Muggins is off his mellon after winning an award that offered a free bar. Jean makes an apearance and takes cream to task for his psychopathic tendencies.  

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? This is Cream speaking.

This is just a very quick warning for this episode. If you are not a fan of the Amsterdam episode, I would definitely just wait until Monday's episode comes out because this is going to be either as good, if you enjoyed it, or as awful as the Amsterdam one was. I had so much fun in the Amsterdam episode. Here he is, the problem with the current podcast. I'm a little bit drunk.

A little bit? And other stuff, but mainly drunk. So basically, first of all, Muggins won an award. Yeah, I'm fucking the best in the fringe. Touch me. Well, according to fucking the best in the fringe. Touch me. Well, according to... Well, comedy is subjective. The people that chose that I was the best in the fringe

had seen every single show that was at the fringe. Every single one of them. Every single one of the shows and went, well, it's definitely Muggins. Right. Muggins, straight in. The fourth awards. So you won...

I didn't know you were coming up for the... Man, I just... Hold on. Let's go on to this in a second. We have something we need to clear first of all. No, no, let's do this now. No, no. Gene's going to hang around for this.

We'll get to Gene in a second. Okay. So you came up this morning thinking that you had basically been booked to do a non-paid 10-minute corporate gig on a Wednesday at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I was so annoyed. And you, with your blossoming career, was like, sure. Man, like, because, you know,

I would be such a doormat. Every single gig that I'd do, I would do for free, if it wasn't for my age and fucking, oh, I didn't work. You'd do it all for free. Right, I would do every, I would be a fucking doormat. So when she said, will you come up and do this gig for free? I was like,

well, you said it, so yep. So I was coming to Edinburgh to do a gig for free. Like flying to Edinburgh. Then asked to stay with me, didn't even attempt to pay any rent for the 16 hours he would be in the house. 50% of it, nothing I'm getting paid for this gig. But the whole reason I was getting brought up to do this gig was because I'd won an award.

You'd been nominated and you had won the award. So I was told, so I knew you were coming to this two weeks ago. Marlena told me, our agent. Did you know I was winning? Yes. So she was like, Kai in two weeks is going to come with Wednesdays. Okay, to stay with yours. She explained the whole thing,

because the same thing happened to Craig last year. And she was like, don't tell Kai. In my head, I'm like, why would I do anything to make Kai's day ever like how is this in any of my interests and then two days ago she phoned she's like it's so cool to share with you don't tell me anything he's got no idea

and I'm like again first of all forgot about the whole thing second of all if it makes him happy cream ain't doing it and then today you came into the house at about 10 in the morning i slept in maybe earlier i left i left london at 4 30 so you get luck man i started so early you get into the house i'm still asleep you wake up and i'm like oh god i've got to drive him to

the award ceremony that i know he's winning marlena said to make sure he's in a good mood so the first thing i did was hey kai i rolled your joint. You should smoke most of this joint. It's just a gig. You're just doing six minutes. No one's going to remember it. I got so high at 10 o'clock this morning. So high. Before the gig, but not just that.

Before being presented an award in front of like fucking... That I knew you were going to get, but you had no idea. So you were just doing... You just got me so fucked up before the award even started. It was a nice high, though. That's what good friends do.

Arguably, tonight, my acceptance speech was better than my gig. Oh, really? Because the gig was... Because it was shorter? The gig... The gig was fun because they were like, oh, you've won the award,

now do a gig. And I was like, oh, fuck, so I've won the award, now I've got to prove to everyone why I won it. There was a bit of pressure on me. I had it at two o'clock in the afternoon.

Like, Jesus. And you know who else was on the show tonight? Michael Bisping. Paul Young. Oh, don't know who that is. Will Young's dad. Hey, what did Paul Young

sing again? What did he put on before? It doesn't matter, he went there. I was singing to Craig Hill. I get you and Craig Hill confused all the time, Gene. That's Gene, by the way.

We've got Gene in the room. Mike and the Mechanics. Looking back over my shoulder. So Kai's been drinking since two is the point. And what I'm saying is I shared a schedule. No, no. And I'm just giving you information. So you've been drinking since two.

Since 12. Sorry, 12. 12. Oh, yeah. You turned up at 12 for the meal. Yeah. And it's now 1.30 in the a. Since 12. Sorry, 12. 12. Oh, yeah. You turned over 12 for the meal. Yeah. And it's now 1.30 in the AM of the day after. Oh, I've been drinking for days.

I know. And he's a fucking pussy ass lightweight. So that's all I was. Never. Now, before we go any further, some of you may remember on the Jammy Pockets episode. Episode four? I think it was five, actually. Jammy Pockets.

It's called Jammy Pockets. Jammy Pockets. jammy pockets episode number five episode i think it was five actually jammy pockets i made a revelation uh about me basically being a not a not a so good friend uh to gene my best friend in the whole world basically uh she i stole her pen and then she accused me of stealing her pen and i know it i thought I'd given it back and then I realized I hadn't given her back but I'd made such a big point about giving her it back that I basically snuck it into a play where she basically thought that yeah she'd fucked up and I thought it was funny. Jean was so upset she wrote a diary entry. So we've got Gene's diary can I

can I just get Kai's microphone and then we can have it out because this is really between me and you Danny I believe like over to Gene we want the

no we want the Kai commentary while this is going on okay well we don't alright you guys share a mic I'll be here on this one so I don't

I just want to put my first of all say hi to the listeners oh hello I'm Gene there's hundreds and thousands of all, say hi to the listeners. Oh, hello. I'm Jean. There's hundreds and thousands of them. Hi, all hundreds and thousands of you. I just want to say that I was very upset by this whole incident

because I don't think Danny mentioned... I'm just going to take the full mic here. I don't think Danny mentioned on the podcast that I actually cried after that pen incident. She cried like a bitch? She cried like a little bitch? I was very, very harsh on her because I'd been woken up after four hours sleeping.

He was very mean. And when he came up and found the pen instantly, he snuck it into his hand and found it instantly. He turned to me. I was like, I tried so hard to find that pen. I looked at every bit of that coat. I was so sure it wasn't there. And he just looked at me so furious and went,

you just don't try hard enough. And then stormed back to bed. It's cold. And I felt so bad. It's cold-blooded. It also goes back to me being absolutely terrible at looking for things in general. It's become a running theme at work.

He's played that against you? Daniel's a monster. It was already an insecurity of mine. Jean. And I had a little bitch cry in my room and then I collected myself and I went up to Danny. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Jean, you didn't collect yourself and go up to Danny.

You wrote a diary entry. That is how I collected myself and I went up to Danny. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Jean, you didn't collect yourself and go up to Danny. You wrote a diary entry. That is how I collected myself. So that I could go to Danny and tell Danny that I had just cried over the incident that had happened. Jean, read out your diary entry. Hold on, let me just explain what this is. Jean has a very rational but slightly weird way of dealing with things. If she's ever mad, she'll write it down first before she sends a message or does the...

Is that fair to say? I mean, this is fair to say, but Jean, I love the idea of when... Sometimes I just cry in writing a diary. Yeah, OK. When Jean broke up with a boy, she had a... No, no, no. I'm already cutting this out. No, no, no. Stop right there. No, no, no. Hold on.

Jean is smiling. She had a diary of the text she wanted to send and i suggest anyone does this if you break up with a person you want to text them and you want to just be like oh i've seen you on facebook but you haven't replied to my text just write the text in the diary right she had a little psychopath diary that she wrote the text that she shouldn't have sent it's like. No, it's... Yeah, let's start. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is in. This is what people want to hear. It's very funny. Gene, what you do is hilarious. It's also hilarious that you write a diary and you wrote a diary to the dear Daniel. I hid your pen. And you knew he hid your pen,

but you're really mad because you thought you'd lost it. Read your diary, Enrio. Please, please, please. No, pass me the pen and the... All right, ladies and gentlemen, just get the diary now. Who's going to read it, Daniel or Jean? Jean wants to read it.

Yeah, two seconds. All right. Go on, you're fine. They're just finding the page. So, basically, after I was irrationally mean to you, which I admit... So mean to you, which I admit. So mean. And I regretted it instantly.

It wasn't like a late burn. It was like the second I saw the look on your face, I was like, ah, God. But then I also needed a bed. So, you know, sometimes you need to, don't get a bit angry, but go to bed wrong and you might wake up right. Just go to bed after you've made your best friend cry.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, that old wife tale. So you went and you did a very rational thing instead of shouting at me. You went to your diary and... Well, I didn't think that I could shout at you because I thought I was fully in the wrong and also stupid. And I felt very sad because I felt so stupid. And after I found this out, I went and found my diary

and I found the entry that I wrote because I remember writing this being in tears and knowing, knowing I was insane. Do you write this with the pen that Daniel gave you? That he found in his pocket? Yeah, and I specify that in the entry. Like, I was fully aware

of how much of an overreaction it was, but I could not stop my feelings. Just before, I've apologised fully and I'm fully aware that I'm fully wrong in all of this. Dear diary. It doesn't start. Dear diary. Say dear diary at the beginning. This is written as if it was written by a seven-year-old,

but that is because I was crying like a seven-year-old. So, dear diary, Danny took this pen yesterday, and I couldn't find it today, and he told me it was in his jacket pocket, but I couldn't find it when I looked, and I looked for ages, and felt every inch of his coat and found

nothing and then he found it within a second and he was mad at me and he said you just don't try hard enough and I felt shitty about that because it's probably true and I'm awful at looking for things to the point that it's actually embarrassing and now I'm crying and i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me today danny you are a monster i went up after i collected myself and i stopped being a little bitch i went up to the living room and i looked at danny as he was watching scrubs like nothing was wrong and i went danny do you know what just did? I just cried over that whole pen scenario. And he went, aw. And at no point made me feel better. I was sad all day.

But Gene, he told me immediately. No. The minute we bumped heads. The thing is, his hindsight is 20-20. If Hitler was alive today, I'm pretty sure he would look back at all of his actions and be like, all right, lads, I did go a bit farther. That was, ah, hands'm pretty sure he would look back at all of his actions and be like, alright lads I did go a bit far there. That was hands up. Daniel Cream

Do you know what I'm the maddest at? In this whole situation? Jean hasn't listened to episode 5 yet Yeah, that was the thing. This is episode 15 She's 10 episodes behind She claims to be our best friend and she doesn't know about the Jammie Hopkins episode Jean could have been angry about this five weeks ago,

had she been as loyal as all of our true friends. But she found out today when we were like, hey, have you been listening to the podcast? She was like, yeah. And I was like, are you mad at me? She's like, no. And I'm like, well, sometimes I didn't listen to episode fucking five. And it's not even like a recent one.

That was weeks ago. So he upset just you Gene But you upset both of us So now I think I'll find That's us even So apology retracted I mean if anything you guys are even But Gene owes me an apology

Yeah I think you do Well or Gene Fucking winging like you give her Oh I need to stitch Gene up the way you did just to get her back It might take a while Oh, oh, oh, Gene, fucking winging like you give a. Oh. I need to stitch Gene up the way you did just to get her back. That might take a while. Right, should we go for a joint break?

I mean, I want a cigarette or something. Flirt. So we took a little pause there for a spliff. We've worked out Daniel's a monster. Yep, definitely. So should we go into our first key? That's a personality trait you need to work out. You stitched her like fuck. Yeah, no, I'm aware. Definitely So shall we go into our First key That's a personality trait You need to work out Like you You stitched it like fuck

Yeah no I'm aware Like I've never said I'm a perfect person Other people have just said it And I've agreed with them Well I've not corrected them But I go around lying to people

Saying they're perfect On my behalf Yeah Like oh Daniel's great Nothing wrong with him Apart from that psychopath Tennessee's got to Stitch his friends up

Oh what's this? Gin and Iron Brew Yeah we've run out Of booze in the house It's now like Two in the morning Yeah when you When you and Jean

Had the microphones before I was trying every wine bottle To see if there's anything in There's nothing Oh here's Before we go into our games I should point out We had

A fucking lovely experience tonight So Kai obviously Won the award but Craig Hill great Scottish comedian who flamboyant gay guy flamboyantly gay

but I've known him as long as I've been in the comedy industry because I've toured with him and just we do all of our previews for the Fringe with Craig

he's one of my very very good friends fantastic comedian too yeah so it says to Craig Hill eventually our agent goes home after a couple of drinks He was for the Fringe with Craig. Yeah, he's one of my very, very good friends. Fantastic comedian, too. Yeah, so it says to Craig Hill, eventually our agent goes home after a couple of drinks. And for those of you that don't know Craig Hill, he is a Scottish comic.

Craig was wearing tonight, he was wearing a blue velvet jacket, a suit jacket, with a tuxedo top and bow tie, and a blue kilt. Yeah, and that's very toned down from his regular thing, which is a pink kilt. A leather kilt.

Yeah. He's just a great fucking... So when I was choosing what to wear for the award show... You didn't want to clash with him? Natalie went, my girlfriend, everyone knows Natalie at this point, she went, ring Craig and see what he's wearing, as if I was going to align what I was wearing with Craig Hill. Yeah wearing as if I was going to like align what I was wearing with Craig Hill

like as if I was going to go oh you're wearing a fucking velvet top and a blue kilt oh yeah I'll borrow my dad's that's what I was going to wear so we were out with Craig Hill tonight and just to sort of pre-set the story one of the most hypocritical moments of my life you know when you realise,

when you're young, and then you grow up, and you realise that you were wrong about something? Yes. So I'm out with Craig Hill in Kuala Lumpur, and we're just chatting away. What were we talking, 2011? 2009.

Oh. Yeah. So this is my first day abroad, having fun with Craig. Now, just being a young fucking lad With floppy hair Flopping them away I start telling some sex stories

Because we got on top of sex So I tell him a funny sex story that happened to me And he Then told me one And it was about Him I won't reveal the story because that's his right to tell it all. But it was basically him in a gay sex situation.

And I remember being 19 and being like, oh, man, this is... I can't believe he's told me this. And I'm like, oh, God, this is 10 of the things, exactly what I've done to him. Like, any time he's described me gay sex... You've told a gay guy a heterosexual sex story and then you're getting

a little bit awkward by him telling the homosexual sex story the most hypocritical if anything he's more disgusted by my story he's like

oh vagina yeah unknown territory like and just sort of

tonight going out with him was one of the moments where you just you chat you swap fucking stories and you realise how occasionally sometimes there is something appealing about being gay. You know what's funny about Craig Hill? He'll point out a guy that he thinks is good looking and I'm like, he looks just like you. He picks guys that look like him. Which isn't, like, now it makes a lot of sense. You're going to make yourself look the way that you find

attractive. Right? If you're attracted to the same sex, then why would you not dress and do your hair and look and appear the way that you want to be? Yeah, so I find it funny that he loves people that look like him

oh weird again I bet he wanks in the mirror oh well who doesn't I do actually what into it

I check myself out in the mirror when I'm wanking what just to check you're still there see what I've got I'm a good nick at the minute I've been working out sometimes I'm jacking off

and I look and I'm like looking good bosh and and then now you look in the mirror and now he's behind you and then she's not there stop watching this wang I thought you were asleep

I mean I was going for it she was a vampire but I was equally a weak bit should we save this by going into everyone's favourite game what's everyone's favourite on Muggle Corner

yeah we've been getting a lot of tweets about Muggle stuff like I think we we can last for the next few weeks on requests

and keep them coming guys I fucking love getting tweets about Muggle Corner yeah because sometimes you say I've had at least two tweets

for a Muggle Corner reference which the only reason I wouldn't have suggested it is because I realize it's something I do

then someone goes people who do this and I'm like oh I do that oh no that is Muggley as? And I'm like, oh, I do that. Oh, no, that is muggly as fuck. Yeah, I've got to bring that up. So for those of you that don't know at this point, muggles is a slightly derogatory term that me and Kai and you now use

for people that are just a bit plain, a bit simple. Nothing wrong with them, not bad people, but just not interesting. Yeah, vanilla people. Ready salted people. Interesting every Yeah Or twice a year Vanilla people Yeah Ready salted people Yeah Not even just ready salted

Ready salted where you've got to Add in the pack of fucking salt But you haven't added the salt You're just You're just plain No You were on a diet So yeah

You're a plain person So I'm gonna start The muggle corner With a suggestion That if you get a tattoo Of your own name on your skin You're a fucking muggle son Do people get tattoos Of their own name? Oh skin, you're a fucking muggle, son.

Do people get tattoos of their own name? Oh, yeah, people get their name. People get their last names. Are you calling Conor McGregor a muggle? Fucking Conor McGregor. If you've got Conor McGregor written on your skin... You're calling at least 60% of UFC fighters muggles. Muggles, mate. Also...

Bold stance. Not just your own name. If you get your kid's name tattooed on you, muggle. If you get your kid's date of birth tattooed on your skin, muggle. If you get your date of birth tattooed on you, you're a fucking muggle, son. Who the fuck gets their name's reminder? Isn't that something you should just know without it being tattooed on your skin? I know my name.

I know my kid's name. I know my date of birth. I know my kid's date of birth. I don't need a permanent reminder and ink on my flesh. Yeah, and also, if you need a permanent reminder, you've got a fucking iPhone.

It's connected to the cloud. Just ask them. You can put an alarm on that. Try putting an alarm on your tattoo when it's your fucking... Oh, man, say this. Right, so the other day, I got a notification

on my phone that i said two years ago uh our good friend myla mccabe his first uh daughter and he was born so the day she remember myla phoning me after she was born i put the reminder in my diary and his birthday every year forever yeah uh and then two years later myla's lovely wife liza gets pregnant again and Milo decides to make me godfather and I remember the day that he phoned me and texted me saying like she's been born

I was just like you've been a godfather for years this is my first one I remember being really really overwhelmed just like so thankful but because I was so excited I didn't save the day in my phone.

So you still don't know Eva's birthday? I've got no idea what I'm going to do. But it's not a bad thing to ask. It's not like if you ask him, he's not going to be like, how dare you? This comes up. I literally had this conversation with him the other day when we were on tour. I said... In Amsterdam.

You might as well join us in Amsterdam. No, no, no. I was texting him from Finland. I was like, happy birthday to Anae. And he was like, oh, great. And I was like, she's two now. She's fucking great. He's like, yeah, yeah.

And he's like, when's Ava's birthday? And I was like, what? He's like, you're going to do it when it's her birthday. I'm like, oh, you know. He's like, I'll give you 20 quid if you can name the month. And I was like... You had no idea. He put you on the spot.

Man, he could have given me a fiver for half the year, and I'm still not confident I get that fucking money. Yeah, I've got five godchildren. I've got them all written in my diary when my birthday's out. There's one coming up on the 18th of November. Shout out to you. What's his name? Kaylee.

Oh, weird name for a boy. Kaylee Grassi. Snitch. Man up. Man up. Stuff kind of still Kaylee.i Snitch Man Up Man Up stuff Canceled Kaylee Anyway You've got Chris and John If you've got tattoos of names

Well, arguably Let's tell this story You have a tattoo on your left shoulder Yeah, but not Oh, come on Oh, no, it's technically Don't mess this up It's a name

Right, let me start this from scratch Right No, let me tell the quick version Because we're already That's cool Alright Right Me andl donnelly were in melbourne at the comedy festival doing the best they had fest it was the golden ticket well fucking faces were on the trams like it was a fucking it was a joy ride of a month we've told the story in the podcast before that's why we've told the story on the podcast before i got the naughty boys tattooed on my

shoulder with nb on your left shoulder nb it was meant to look like a passport stamp it looks like a chubba chubs lolly but regardless nb naughty boys on my left shoulder it wasn't until i got back my girlfriend natalie told me that this was my ex-girlfriend nicola beatty's initials so you've got so you're arguably my girl so i've got my ex-girlfriend's initials tattooed on my shoulder. Accidentally. It meant naughty boys. But, I mean, the odds of that happening, like 26 letters. I mean, I didn't go in and go, oh, hey, Carl, will me and you both get my ex-girlfriend's initials on my arm? I mean, it was weird of him to commit to that, having never met her.

But you know what? If your love was strong enough for her. This isn't even recent ex. This is like from the age of 17 to 21. Oh, just like me, it's more fat. Can I chime in for a second? just 17 to 21. Just like me,

it's my fat. Can I chime in for a second? I would argue that tribal tattoos are arguably as muggly a tattoo as name tattoos. I'm inclined to a career.

You know what? And Kai, can you just list all of the tattoos that you have, please? I've got tribal tattoo on my ribs. I've got a tribal tattoo

on my chest. And I got them when I was about 18 years old, which was when tribal tattoos were... Yeah, when they were invented. You know the Maoris invented them in, you know, 1996 when the Maoris famously got their... All the tribes in Africa, Western Africa, all those ones.

1998 was when they got those done and they accepted me in the tribe but Daniel people say to me oh you've got tribal tattoos are you in a tribe fuck yes I'm in a tribe I'm in a tribe of working class people who also have tribal tattoos who would fucking kick shit out of anybody if I put if I put the flare in the air if I I said, look, people of Blythe, I'm in trouble. Everyone come to my rescue. There would probably be a bunch of people who also had tribal tattoos.

I feel like if I was to get like a can of monster energy and shine a really bright torch through it and the monster energy sign was to go in the sky, every person, including you, with a tribal tattoo would turn up at the top of fucking Arthur's Seat.

Like the bat signal for fucking dweebs man we are a tribe people with tribal tattoos have got each other's back yeah soldiers we'll go to war together yeah I mean they also mark people during the Holocaust but yeah anybody with a tribal tattoo you're not a muggle

you're my boy yeah and if you are that person go join your boy in the corner and be a goddamn muggle with him. 30 seconds in the corner. However, this was not brought up. Gene interjected with a tribal tattoos muggle. Stand in the corner and wait for your turn.

No, no, it's my turn. No, you did the first one. My turn was, if you've got a child's name, if you've got your name, if you've got a date of birth, you're a muggle. You are a muggle, yeah. Tribal got a date of birth you're a muggle you are a muggle right

tribal tattoo fucking legend but also a muggle you also keep representing keep representing the crew I think that's I think that's the point of tattoos you can't really stop representing

you make a choice and then that's your opinion for life hey if you're in my tribe do the two finger salute and if your fingers throw them in the air me and you boy

I'm so sorry Regular listeners More sorry to the new ones Who have left by now My one From Muggle Corner Muggles go to radio award shows On Wednesdays

The one I just won Yeah Muggles do that The award show that I just Fucking went in Stormed in Took all the trophies Are you telling me

That every person At that after party was not a fucking muggle? Everyone was dressed slick. Were the muggles dressed slick? I hate dressing slick, man. I hate putting a tie on. Every time I put a tie on, I'm like, am I being told how to dress? Right. This ain't my decision.

I mean, I'm putting a tie on and I'm not even wanking to fucking... I'm not even going to court. Why am I putting a tie on when I'm not in a custody belt? Going to TV award shows on a Wednesday man we were drunk by 3pm yeah well I was not

I was you do because you were there I just turned up for the booze like a legend go with 5 we did go through

5 volts of air per second but my point is you agreed that after the party there was a bunch of the small talk of that event killed me like people just the schmoozing, the rubbing shoulders

with people, the hobnobbing oh my god, I can't deal with that shit man for those of you who don't know what happened today Kai went to ceremony the fourth one

not thinking he was going to win won I joined him at the after party you come in with your award I bought you a bottle of Prosecco I'm a good friend I'm a nice person to you

not Gene obviously priorities and then at one point someone comes over recognizes Craig Hill and goes

oh big fan she turns to me and goes congratulations and i'm like on what and she's like your award tonight i thought your set was great and i'm like do you think i'm and she's like you won the award for and i'm like no this is the worst thing any thing any human beings ever confused for me oh mate that's the highest form of insult like you can call me anything under this fucking planet but claiming I look

like you for even in dark light like that's still offensive and she's like I'm like it's him and she goes oh so it is and then just doesn't

give a shit I don't know if I can stand for this no I guess worse get my jacket on the way the guy goes oh man that bit about you

when you look younger because you did your stuff about you when you look younger, because you did your stuff about you. When I pulled the picture out. Yeah, he was good. Man of the house. He looked at that photo and then looked at my face and recognised my face as that photo, and I swear to God, that old guy nearly died tonight.

Like, I've never been more insulted by anything in my life. Been getting mistaken for my turn in the photo. Oh, Jesus. Like, that's... Mate, you should be grateful. You look like me in a fucking fucked up hall of mirrors. Where also the hall of mirrors reflect broken versions of the career.

How did you think you were me when you never smile? That is true. That is true. You never see me smile when I'm in your company but I can't even finish that that's not true

you made me laugh harder than anyone thanks Daniel so it's bae we went hard at each other but I just thought we'd let it go

but you do agree that everyone there was muggles tonight therefore everyone who goes to radio award shows on Wednesdays are muggles almost everyone

right you get the autonomily but if you fall into that category you've done it so your next one my next muggle corner is right so you know how we've been doing the your dad jokes yes every third day someone represents like comes to us with your dad sells

avon and at first the first time i got your dadon, I was like, that's a fucking great Your Dad joke. Like, it's dynamite. But that's clearly somebody else's thing. Somebody has clearly put Your Dad Sells Avon on an internet meme or something, and millions of people keep trying to pass it off as their own, and every time someone puts Your Dad Sells Avon as their own material,

when it's clearly something that's fucking popular and it's done the rounds, why the fuck are you trying to lie why are you doing something that's not yours as a thing that's going to impress people

so anybody that I've got written down from Uncle Connor your dad sells Avon but it's basically using someone else's joke as your own

and hoping to God that they haven't heard it yet so that you get the credit for it. And I've done this before with Cock Womble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Passing off other people's... Creativity? Yeah.

When you've got no creative bones in your body? Also, like, yeah, if you're into Lad Bible stuff, and although everything they post is funny, it's all stolen content. Yeah, and even sharing that, you're sharing the Lard Bible, but if you copy and paste that onto your own status and try to pass it off as your own,

what a muggle. What, you're trying to be funny by copying and pasting someone else's shit? It's like going through the rest of your life only quoting Shakespeare. You're like, oh, he sounds interesting for two minutes and then... No, no, you heard it from somewhere else.

Yeah, just, look, if you're passing on something that you think is funny, pass it on from the source, sounds interesting for two minutes and then no no you heard it from somewhere else yeah just look if you if you're passing on something that you think's funny pass it on from the source reshare it from the source don't try for a second to claim that it's yours yeah i mean you can do spin-off versions you can make your own version of the joke yeah i fully agree in the corner 30 seconds you're a muggle if you rip people off and try and pass it off as your own okay here's my second muggle corner. Muggles take their agent as a date to awards they've won. Why are you fucking me up the ass?

Trolley token. You have a trolley token. And you have an agent as a date. My agent? The only and first and only award you've won a gong show in 2009. I'll have you know. Okay. I won two actually. I'm a multi in 2009 I'll have you know Okay I won two actually I'm a multi-award winner

I mean One of the best One of the best in the world Best that ever did it World's greatest The GOAT Greatest of all time Are you done?

I think so But you did go with your agent My agent She come to support us Yeah And I have dinner with you. She was in a nice dress. You were dressed up all fancy. You met each other before the event,

and then you went there with her, and you also left with her. So correct me if I'm wrong. I mean, it could have looked from the outside looking in that she was my date. Yeah. But she wasn't, though. Well, according to...

I've not heard her side of the story. I've only heard yours, and you're in denial, which makes me feel feel As an honest person That you might be Full of shit right now So if you go for A date with your agent Stand in the corner

For 30 seconds I'm not going to be In the corner Because I didn't go For a date with you She was just Deciding to support My career

Like a good agent would Thanks Marlena You're the best You're good to me You're my bae Right Get on with yours. This is already the worst podcast we've done so far.

Right. Acknowledge an international something day. If there's ever an international hugger ginger day. I mean, that sounds specific to you. Steak and blowjob day. Anything where you think it's an international day. Oh, it's Star Wars day. May the fourth be with you.

Any international day. International. It's not a thing. International my birthday. International your birthday. Who decides when your birthday is? International suck anyone's tits day. Any of that stuff.

If you're sucking anyone's tits, stand in the corner. Sucking their tits. Basically, anything that's an international something day. They're not a real thing. stand in the corner sucking their tits basically anything that's an international something day they're not a real thing

stop getting behind it well some of them are like what black history month is that an actual thing though yeah in America mainly but we don't celebrate

over here because we deny the fact that is that like say Independence Day or Columbus Day these are legit things no no no like trust me Britain used and Europe used to... Is that like saying Independence Day or Columbus Day? These are legit things. No, no, no.

Like, trust me, Britain and Europe used to do a lot of slavery. We just don't really mention it in our books because, yeah, it was fine. So, aye, if you need a day about that, fucking don't get so loud. Don't be hugging gingers or sucking your mum's tits. That's what I'm saying. Are you trying to get rid of steak and blowjob day? Steak and blowjob day. Hold on. Wait. This is my point about steak and blowjob day? Steak and blowjob day. Hold on. Right.

This is my point about steak and blowjob day is you can have steak when you want. If you've got a loving relationship, blowjobs are a thing that just happens. Right.

You don't need to be like, oh, fuck, 365 days a year, let's have one of them for me steak and blowjob. How about you have steak every fucking time you want steak?

How about you have blowjobs every time you and your partner feel like having a blizzard don't fucking put a date in the diary and think that's it am I making a point? I feel like you think you are I mean I'm very

I'm not criticising, I'm just I'm assisting in the situation I've never celebrated I believe that everyone uses that day ironically like all that day is is essentially just so a boyfriend can jokingly

or a girlfriend can jokingly say to their partner like ah it's steak and blowjob day I don't feel like anyone actually because to even know about steak and blowjob day you've got to have a sense of humour like my gran doesn't know

about steak and blowjob day I've had two steak and blowjob days from my gran I've had two steak and blowjob days this week. From my gran. I've had two steak and blowjob days this week, and it's only Thursday. Only because it's after midnight. It's practically the end of Wednesday. It's a good week. I don't know if you fucking...

Is it this point... I don't know. Is it this point in the podcast I would like to mention that, unlike for the past ten episodes, this was the first time in three days me and Kai have not been together. So this is this is the blowjobs he was getting

was not from that would protest too much yeah cream wasn't making muggins cream if you know what I mean living the dream right

what's your third one mug I think I just went last for the snake and blowjob day oh yeah so you did so it's my one then snake and blowjob

muggles drink Prosecco. I mean, you were part of a lot of people in the corner with a sweeping blanket statement. What the fuck is wrong with Prosecco? Explain yourself, stud. I mean, it's essentially the posh version of

is Pepsi okay? Like, either Prosecco... What are you talking about? Nah, mate. Prosecco is fucking yummy. Yeah yummy yeah no it is but champagne is the thing prosecco was like was the cheaper version of that great thing and because the price of it went down also the level of celebrations went down champagne used to be like you've graduated you're pregnant maybe not that one that's a bad example yeah I'll aim the cork

at the stomach boom let's open this pack of cigarettes and try and kill it happy pregnancy daughter but like weddings and all these things and champagne's expensive as fuck

now I don't even like champagne but when someone's paid that much money for it I'm going to fucking drink it have you ever enjoyed champagne more than Prosecco? are you just no I much money for it, I'm going to fucking drink it. Have you ever enjoyed champagne more than Prosecco? No, I totally have. But the point I'm trying to get to is then Prosecco came out, which is good.

I'm not saying, I'm in the muggle corner for this. I drink Prosecco. I bought you two bottles tonight. I'll drink Prosecco. But it's a muggly-ass fucking thing that usually we go, oh, we can't celebrate as high as they do. We can't pay as much as they do. So we'll just go, oh, yeah,'t celebrate as high as they do. We can't pay as much as they do. So we'll just go, oh, yeah, one employee of the week.

Prosecco! Oh, you've cooked your first... Like, it's probably... I'm going to be the man of the people and not let you have this. Yeah, no, you've just brought, like, class and wealth into this. Daniel.

Oh, God, I've ruined the podcast. You've ruined the podcast? Oh, shit. People for a second went into this. Everybody that listens to this podcast loves the fucking... Daniel oh god I've ruined the podcast you've ruined the podcast oh shit you put Prosecco into this everybody that listens to this podcast loves the fuck out of it I mean you might be a sleeper cell for your girlfriend

who is in a group on WhatsApp and I quote called Prosecco Club so maybe audience consider that and who's biased who hasn't got a WhatsApp group called Prosecco Club oh what you're not in one

or did I not invite you into my Prosecco Club WhatsApp group I love how that seems like an insult like i'm like oh god i'm bad i'm missing great gilmore girls chat everyone listen everyone listen to the podcast they can't see daniel's defeat in his eyes the defeat as he realizes that he loves prosecco already wishes he was in my whatsapp group well you know what i threw i threw prosecco out there because you know what? It is a controversial decision and controversy got Donald Trump where he is.

So you know what? Fuck Prosecco. I'll throw him under the bus. In fact, even I'll V.O. your V.O. So this is the Muggins show. You're here with Muggins. No cream now. Ignore cream.

Ignore cream. It's fucking I need Prosecco. Mate, I can literally I can unplug your wire. I can unplug your wire. Get the fuck out of here. Mate, I will fucking well, I won't do anything. Mate, so you wire. Get the fuck out of here. Mate, I will fucking...

Well, I won't do anything. Right. So you don't stand in the corner if you drink Prosecco. In fact, you celebrate with Prosecco that you're not a model. But do it near a corner, like the mug you are. Like eye the corner open. Go on, glad I'm not in that. Right.

Should we do a quick game of euphemisms, then join, and then done? What? You've got to think over the pause button. I've not pressed it yet. Right. Let's do euphemisms, then join, and then done? You've got to think over the pause button. I've not pressed it yet. Right, let's do Newphemisms. Okay, so today's Newphemisms game, for those of you who don't know, me and Kai every now and again come up with new euphemisms for euphemisms that we think should have new euphemisms, hence the name Newphemisms.

See, guys, it's like the word, but combined with the other one. See, it is a comedy podcast, technically. So today's newphemisms are wanking and threesomes. Yes. I'll go first with wanking. Okay. Sore arm is to stay. Sore arm is to stay.

Because you've been wanking loads, you've got sore arm. Is to stay. Is to stay. And it's shortly after the 11th of the 11th. We're just having a wank you can have. Until it gets sore. Not the dead semen. PTSD.

Wanking. Some chiro and chirocrime. For me, this might not apply to you, but for me, the two-handed salute. Keeping the wolf away from the gate. And delaying the mental breakdown. As I said, keeping the wolf away from the gate. Unpowering me sucks. Unpowering me sucks Do you know

When I was When I was in school Just before I will absolutely You've got the mic after this For at least two minutes Just so you know I've known Kai for so long

I can tell this is going to be a good story Because anytime it just goes back He gets this look in his eyes of Back in the Shudder day You weren't, ah, back in the shudder day. You weren't there, man. So back in NOM. Yeah.

When I was in school, right, I come home from school, like every other day, bag on my shoulder, walk through my door, and I see my mattress in the stairwell, stood on its side. I'm a 13-year-old boy. I see my mattress in the stairwell. So instantly, I connect the dots.

I'm like, my mom's bought me a new mattress. I've got a new mattress on my bed. I'm not going to go upstairs, and it's just like, lats. This is an empty, no mattress, and the mattress is in the stairwell. I'm like, I've got a new mattress. So I go up. Sure enough, I've got a new mattress. My mom's put fresh bedding on the mattress.

I lift the mattress up The socks are gone Oh Jesus The crusty old Fucking boomerang socks The poppadoms The poppadoms Man

I've been wanking at the socks Weeks and weeks Putting them under my mattress Because I'm a 13 year old boy This is what 13 year old boys do If you listen to this And you find it disgusting You've never been a 13 year old boy We'll put dirty socks Under our do if you listen to this and you find it disgusting you've never been

a 30 year old boy we'll put dirty socks on our mattress like corrugated iron like boomerangs

we'll put them under the mattress and we'll just think one day eventually they'll go away well one day eventually it did

go away because Kai's mattress got changed and I went up and the fucking dirty socks are gone

and I went downstairs my mum's just doing her thing was just sitting there sucking on them like my mum's just

there doing her thing whatever like fucking sitting there sucking on them like... My mum was just there doing her thing, whatever, like fucking polishing her fairy ornaments, whatever she does. And I just act normal. Everything goes by fine. Days and days go by. No one mentions the socks that are on every mattress. Fast forward to when Kai is 29 years old.

Christmas Day. My mum gets us a fucking... Box of crusty socks? A box of clean socks. Oh, that's good. She bought of crusty socks Box of clean socks Oh that's good She bought me A multi-pack of clean socks And went And don't use them

For dirty things this day And I look at my mam Bear in mind This is like fucking What I'm 29 How many years is that later 16

13 years later 16 years later 16 years later That means she's been Thinking about it since then She's been stewing on it man She has been stewing or wanking on it flicking a bean one day she fucking put socks on me laughing when don't use them for dirty things this time 16 years ago i'm not connecting the dots at this point i'm just like what are you talking about and you're like i dare change

your mattress i asked kevin i asked your dad it was like why are these socks so hard and my dad's like I think he's using them as a spash rag I think you've manhandled these fucking jizzy socks and then that puts them in the bin

washes their hands gets on with the day gets on with the day gets on with the day for 16 years and then I'm 29 years old on Christmas day

she hands me my socks and she brings that fucking horror story up I still can't face her I'm 33 4 years have passed haven't seen my mum

I mean what are you going to do on the 16th anniversary of the first time you put your finger in your ass? What do you think is the special occasion for that? I'll ice-cold carbon in patches. It wasn't Apache brown carbon when we bought it.

Has he got whims? Has he dragged his butt along the carpet like a dog? Cut the slug. Shall we have another joint? Yeah, pause the podcast, everyone Right, so now Newphemisms for threesomes I'll go first Testing God's boundaries

Okay Newphemism for threesomes Who the fuck is that guy? Newphemism for threesomes The Illuminati 69 Pi to the nearest integer Integer? I mean

Say how you want it So we'll get the joke Pi 3.14 Blah blah blah So if you run it To the nearest integer It's just free innit

Could you just say To the nearest number?'s free innit well indica's a number but I don't know if it's in the jar newfamisms for threesomes all you can eat mafe what the fuck have I wrote here I've been very drunk today I wrote down raising the bat signal for a hero I don't even know why.

Me neither. Spoil the game, if anything. It was almost like someone, my handwriting's so bad, I think I'm, am I okay? What, in what, what do you mean? To answer this question honestly, I need to know honestly what question you're asking. I'm a mentally well. By whose standards? My standards or your parents' standards?

Just the wills. What part of the world? Third world or first? Do people pity me? I feel like I might be mentally ill. I'm looking at my handwriting. I'm like, oh, oh i should go to a special school did i did i did i just creep into the normal school i mean you did kind of flick your way

into the middle class i'll give you that i'm a class tourist i fucking love olives dude i dip my olives in hummus some names i'm just like i mean that's do what i want class tourist i mean keep going i'm pretty middle class now like i'm of course i'm fucking um thatcher took my milk Thatcher took my milk She's the milk snatcher I'm a working class boy I grew up on the mean streets of Blythe Right but Now

I'm just at this point in my life Where I'm fucking travelling the world I'm staying in business class lounges I'm fucking eating hummus And I'm just like God who the fuck am I I don't even recognise myself And then you dip olives in

Fucking hummus like a mug What? Who dips olives in mugs at the end try again who dips try again with your slam you know that slam

you just failed no no we'll just we'll edit this out too in the podcast I'll be hilarious why are you dipping olives in fucking hummus do you run out of bread

I mean you try everything nine times it works nine times like whiskey you try everything nine times, it works. Nine times. Like whiskey, disgusting. Try it nine times. Fancy whiskey.

Is that a real thing? You know, they try it nine times. I've never heard this in my life. It's like acquired taste. It's like trying whiskey nine times, trying Oz nine times. Nine is the magic number for an acquired taste. Is that Stockholm Syndrome?

Are you trying stuff to the point you're going yeah i guess this is my life now uh i think you know this is the first time you've heard of this yeah never heard of that in my life acquired taste nine times oh no i've heard of acquired taste you know what i found out as well people scream at the podcast you know if we'll like start a story and go have we told the story before people go go, just tell it anyway. Well, muggles scream at the... So there's muggles right now going, acquire taste of thing. I know acquire taste is a thing,

but the nine times rule just seems... There's people screaming at the podcast right now. Oh, fuck them. Get them to listen to it nine times and then they'll agree with me. Everyone that's screaming at the podcast right now, they're my tribe.

They're tribal tattoos. They're my boys and girls. I've got my back who's behind you I mean I feel like nobody people that don't agree with the queer taste

that have got fucking Joker off the Batman tattoos is that your army yeah nerds right let's meet in the field let's go out and battle

who's flying the fucking drones cunts I've got the nerds on my side nerds will be fucking tribe tattoos all day nerds yeah nerds Joker tattoo guys yeah Nerds will be fucking tribe tattoos all day. Nerds?

Yeah, nerds. Joker tattoo guys? Yeah, absolutely. People that have got, like, daredevil tattoos on them. Oh, all fucking comic book nerds would kill your species. Bunch of guff chicks

that are just trying to... Like, could you be turning up with your fucking baseball bats and your fucking knives and stuff and we'd be like, oh, should we just hack a drone and bomb them all? Like...

I mean, I think you're really overselling yourself on the hacking a drone thing. No, no, I'm just... No, no, I really overselling yourself on the hack of the drone thing no no i'm just no no i'm overselling my class no matter how many people you get that i've got comic book tattoos none of you are hijacking a drone whereas everybody with a tribal tattoo that i've got's got a shank don't you fucking dare assume that your army of fucking nerds is gonna beat my army of fucking chavas from the mean streets of life. I mean... Where are we going with this?

I can't remember. Oh, I think it's your dad jokes. I mean, we've not done enough time, but I feel like that's a gift to the people. Right. Your dad jokes. Your dad eats jelly out of the packet. Your dad tweets with his toes.

Your dad uses his his toes. Your dad uses his Christmas card as roach. Your dad puts helium in water balloons and walks around pretending to be a giant. Your dad takes his socks off to do What the fuck is going on with my writing? I swear to God.

Your dad takes his socks off to do his times tables his ten times tables you can only get it with a twenty I mean there was no even point writing that one out

your dad makes his own honey but by that I don't mean he makes it with bees he literally eats flowers for days and then vomits it into your mum's stockings and sells it for three quid

at the tuck shop classic Kev your dad does pushups on his knees. Your dad still wears his high school prefect badge. Your dad bleaches his hair. Your dad practices pussy eating

for your mum by licking out the residue butter at the bottom of the packet. Your dad buttons his shirt with his teeth. teeth it's weird because that's how he unbuttons them too only on me

though you should see if I get my shoes off when I was two years old like a fucking rottweiler

you should see him doing my zip. Your dad's middle name is Gretchen. That's the chick of recess. Your dad's first love. Who's Gretchen from recess? I'm trying to slam your dad right now dad Gretchen from recess I'm trying to slam

your dad right now keep Gretchen Gretchen's trying to slam your dad she caught on how can my dad fuck a cartoon how can he fuck your mom

these are questions none of us know the answers to Linda if you're listening you've waited out her to use the internet. It's probably... Your dad's karaoke song is right, said Fred. I'm too sexy for my...

And he sings it while I'm burning up my teeth. Your dad isn't able to lick his eye if you ask him to, but he also isn't able to stop even if you beg. There's something here. You act like this is archaeology. These are old your dad jokes. There's one here. I've got one.

You wrote these. I wrote it with my own tongue. Less than an hour ago. Yeah. Keep going. With a lipstick that was on my lips. That wrote these I wrote it with my own my own tongue like less than an hour ago yeah keep going with a lipstick that was on my lips that's how I write it right

your dad gives Halloween a sweets instead of money slammo worth it your dad redecorated by licking the paint off the wall

we've still got three more to go what are you throwing that away for I have a yeah hey look at that I've got another page the wall. We've still got three more to go. What are you throwing away for? I have a? Yeah. Hey, look at that. I've got another page. This is a disaster, Gil.

Your dad's still wallpapers. He's jotter. Your dad collects stamps rectally. Your dad's Facebook relationship status is, it's complicated. Your dad's Facebook relationship status is It's complicated Your dad wanks into his own mouth While in an empty bathtub With a cold tap Spraying directly in his hoop

Your dad wears Crocs mate Your dad wears Crocs He wore them around Disneyland He collected badges I'm not even slamming you I'm just telling you a little fact about your dad What do you think I was doing for the past five minutes making shit up uh staring shit right so to anyone who made it this far in the podcast we know

we're finishing early but you can see why because i'm an award-winning comedian and the award was free drink I mean Sure You did an award Congratulations I mean I definitely won an award For the best show on the fringe I believe you had a show On the fringe as well

I did No one remembers second place Oh man Third place I'll be honest with you Fourth Forty fifth I sat at home

Wherever you made it came I sat at home Crying over the ticket sales The other day I was like What does this home crying over the ticket sales the other day I was like what does this mean well what are ticket sales it's art

what we do is art Daniel well what I do is art ladies and gentlemen you've been listening to art we are so sorry for this podcast so sorry that I'm not even going to plug dates

for the tour because if this is the first podcast of ours you've listened to, you don't want to see us live. No, no, no. We've got punch-drawn

comedy gigs coming up. Oh, we do. The only people that couldn't understand my accent in this whole episode were the people of Blythe and Bedlington and

Ashton. And we're going to roll through there on a Tuesday, Wednesday of next week. Just demolishing the towns.

Just bringing the towns down by the bricks and mortar I'm so sorry for every part of this we'll talk to you on Monday don't say anything more don't goodbye

so this is probably a weird point in the podcast this podcast has been so fucked because we're so fucked so we're now just splicing in an extra story because after we finished and we had another joint you told me a story that made me nearly die with laughter and although we could wait until i really started story i want to hear it again well luckily jean's in the room and she wasn't in the room when i told the story to you, Daniel. So I'll tell the story to Jean in the podcast.

Listeners can eavesdrop. And I will give a running commentary of shrieking laughter. When I was a young man, and I say like 18 years old, I used to go down Blythe drinking on a Friday night after my shift. I got paid weekly. I would get my pay. I'd go down Blythe.

I used to go down Blythe with my friend Sean he's now a policeman married two kids he's a beautiful man he's a good looking dude I've met Sean he's a very attractive man

like yeah oh 100% yeah if you wouldn't marry him but you yeah Gene said would I just then

if she was lucky yeah right if he was if he was feeling down Phil Jervis Phil Jervis Phil Jervis the same again

fucking handsome boy fucking works out a lot he's in fucking amazing shape so I used to go out with fucking Sean and Phil who are good looking dudes

right and was one day in Blythe they both pulled just how were you looking at this point I mean I had a I had a

long sleeved t-shirt on that said Brits do it best it said Brits do it best on it i bought it from britain's brits b-r-i-t-s brits do it best okay that was the t-shirt i decided well that day but like not even overseas like literally in i mean this was like way before brexit way before racism this was before racism sometimes it is really easy to forget how much natalie has improved you i was a child this story's from when i was 18 years old please keep going it gets so much better right so i'm out with sean and phil and sean and phil pull immediately right and then

i went throughout the whole entire evening they were there kissing girls in in in the bars that we were in and I was just like kind of floating into their dynamic and chatting to them but realized I was cock-blocking if I stay too long trying to pull this whole night goes by I don't pull I go back home to my house this story is treacherous I go back home I live with my mum and dad at the time eight years old I get in my mum and dad's bed it's like two in the morning

I fucking let myself in I start crying where in the house are you crying at this point I'm in the living room I'm drunk I'm in the living room I'm drunk

we both have pulled what time is it in the morning I'm going to say two in the morning you're crying in your parents living room yep at two in the morning because your two more in your parents' living room at two in the morning

because your two more attractive friends have pulled and you failed to. Yep. So I'm crying. My mum hears the sobbing through a floorboard. And she's like, normally that just comes from through the wall. Why is it downstairs today? It's strange. So my mum pulls on her dressing gown, makes her way downstairs,

finds the most handsome, attractive, strongest boy. Her funniest son. Crying in the living room. She's as distraught as I am at this point. She doesn't know what's wrong with me, but her boy's crying. She went, what's wrong? And I took my shoes off. I was wearing some kickers.

Threw them across the room. In a tantrum, you threw them across the room? I was drunk, I was wearing some kickers threw them across the room in a tantrum you threw them across the room I was drunk I was 18 hadn't pulled threw my shoes across the room my mum said what's wrong son I went

mum am I ugly you asked your mum if you were ugly I was while throwing my kickers across the room and she just went no

you just got very handsome friends my mum didn't know the story she didn't know what had happened she just went I

guys went it was Sean and Phil you've done it often oh oh Jesus that's the podcast was almost worth it for that Oh Jesus That's The podcast was almost worth it For that

Yeah Afterthought In fact I feel better about the podcast Now that we've managed to Add that in properly Yep I feel like we've saved it Well

Your one man's junk Is another man's treasure And your mum Is your old man's treasure Too much junk in that junk is another man's treasure and your mam is your old man's treasure too much junk in that junk Muggin's out cream on your face