Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 1.4 (Re-Release) Stranger Danger

Episode Date: October 24, 2018

Your Thursday morning podcast will be a little late today due to travel, wedding and hangover demands so here is a re-release of a classic episode for those of you who are getting used to us being on time. Episode 3.8 will be with you once we've slept. 

Good morning, podcast fans. It's Thursday morning. You are due a podcast, so you are going to get a podcast. But to the OG listeners, you've heard this one before. Just warning you. We went to a wedding last night. Brett and Mary got married in Galway last night. We've been to so many weddings this year. Weddings coming up the wazoo. And we woke up hungover, got to Dublin, flew from Dublin to Helsinki, Helsinki to Tallinn. Now we're here in Tallinn. It's like two o'clock in the morning and we have not done a podcast Daniel's went to bed so he said

we'd rather do a good one tomorrow afternoon and be late than a shit one on time but I promised you guys we would have a podcast released every Monday and Thursday morning so no I'm not going to do one on my own but I am going to re-release

an old episode because we've got a lot of new listeners so OG listeners you will have heard this one before. And to anybody new, this is the story of when a naked dude walked across the foot of my bed and I woke up all chocked and flustered

and then told Daniel a couple of days later, this is from like September 2016, maybe. Anyway, it's an old one. Enjoy. We will have a podcast, a new one, fresh content for your drive home. I promise. Pinky swear. Here you go. and the clit inside your head that makes you laugh? Woo-hoo! They said it can't be done.

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rip job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

We are back. Muggins and Cream. How are you, Muggins? Guess who's back. Back again. Muggins is back. Bring some cream Muggins? Guess who's back, back again. Muggins is back, bring some cream. Brings a friend, it is cream, it is cream, it is cream. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Two banterful boys go around the outside. I'm going to stop. You're going to stop. We'll just come back from the gym, go totally jacked at the gym, come back and have

some protein shakes Like a couple of men Aye Did some roids Jabbed some pricks in her ass And then did some roids Fun with friends How are you Muggins?

I'm good Fucking middle of the day this one We're normally late at night Doing a podcast After a gig or whatever But we've got a day off on tour Fucking three days off and we're having some afternoon stoner session all right we went to the gym we ate some good food

and uh yeah it's our last where have we been well where have we done since the last podcast we've been uh warwick art center warwick art center which was very good yeah changed the room we're in a little cinema room that was pretty pretty sweet. We did fucking Hull. Nottingham Glee, which is always a joy. Nottingham Glee, aye. And then Preston, was it? Mm. And stayed with Ricketts.

I think we've spoke since we've stayed with Ricketts. With you, aye. Ricketts. The last podcast we did was in Nottingham. So our friend lives in Liverpool. So when we're gigging in the North West, we'll just stay at his house. And he's been a great host because he's been off all week with a broken arm

aye broken swan chased him swan chased him went for a jog on the lake and the swan chased him snap snap

like like it wasn't even it's beak it was it's tail feathers he just snapped his arm in half he's the he's the myth he's the truth behind the myth

that swans can break your arm They are hard to punch swans I reckon that's like Good head movement Don't get me wrong I reckon if you get in a fucking choke hold it's game over But like even if you punch it That's enough I think there's no taking one down

It's got such a low centre of gravity You're not going to do a little leg sweep and take it to the ground So the choke's going to have to be from standing It's a proper eye, it's a proper jack You've got to get the body And even if you do fucking clock it's head I don't choke's going to have to be from standing it's a proper eye it's a proper jack like you've got to get the body and even if you do fucking clock its head like I don't know

if you're going to be able to knock it out because it's like it's got so much neck that it absorbs so much and if you want to get the body lock on you're going to have to get

would you go because you've got to get your leg underneath and then lock it in but because it's only got two legs in my head I was thinking have four legs

and you get it in between the bottom legs and the top legs what swans have you seen that have four legs like when I was picturing choking out a sw In my head, I was thinking it had four legs, and you get it in between the bottom legs and the top legs. What swans have you seen that have four legs? Like when I was picturing choking out a swan. The swan I was choking out had four legs. Yeah, but you're also choking out, I mean, it's from your experience of choking out men.

I've never seen swans galloping through the park. Jumping into the lake. Oh, they're so graceful. Just watching tiny little squirrels ride in the back of them into war with the badgers. Oh, man. Animals of farther woods

went fucking all out. Proper fucking race war then. Fucking badgers are going down to the ponta as the fish of the land like honour the old pact. Calling in allegiances. Some proper Game of Thrones shit going on. No, whenever I broke his arm

he was in a war zone Or a war zone Didn't pledge his allegiance to the fowl Aye, to the fowl? Oh yeah, I thought Was it fowl or baby horses? You think it was just being a Geordie And calling a baby horse?

Aye Fowl? Fowl? Well, Gears of War 4 I've also been playing Gears of War 4 You've been playing Gears of War 4 before? Aye My eyes are sore from playing Gears of War 4 before've also been playing Gears of War 4 we were playing Gears of War 4 before no my eyes are sore

from playing Gears of War 4 before gonna do some more sitting on the floor oh god I mean we've I mean

we've not even gone to 10 minutes and we're already doing one syllable of stick rap music fucking dead air I don't know

if we have any there's a story that I wanted to tell on the podcast and you've heard this story from text messages because I was keeping you informed as the story

was going on is this the story about you being a little bitch well yep well let's let's dissect the story right let's

let's break it down and find out if I'm a little bitch but the headline if it like we'll go into the story but the headline is Kai's a little bitch like that

and then like the little mini header is, acted like an absolute whip. On reflection, I was a little bitch, but I don't think there was any other option. I feel like I was backed into a corner. Get into it,

and I will tell you all of the other options. Right, so the story started at nine o'clock on Sunday morning. On the Saturday night, me and Natalie have been like eating clean and off the booze, so just had a quiet night there and watched some box sets, went to. On the Saturday night, me and Natalie have been like eating clean and off the booze, so just had a quiet night there and watched some box sets,

went to bed sober Saturday night, right? So woke up sober Sunday morning, woke up to a naked man walking through the room. Yeah, Natalie's bedroom. So if you're at home right now, picture the bed you sleep in

every night, right? And picture a naked man coming into the room and walking past the foot of your bed. This is what happened to me. This is my life. Right, this guy walked into

the en-suite bathroom of Natalie's room and I woke up. Just butt naked. And I was like, who the fuck was that? Like, who was that dude?

And at this point in the story, I am with you 100%. You've done nothing wrong so far. There's nothing, I mean, this is completely out of my control. Like,

my first impression as well was like, how does, whoever this guy is, so my assumption is, which was the correct assumption, he's back in the flat with Natalie's flatmate who'd been out drinking, brought back a guy. But then I'm like,

how does he know where Natalie's en suite bathroom is? It's also just like, it's the fully naked thing. It's just, first of all, him being a proper... It was balls out. More ways than one. Aye. What was his dick like?

He covered it with his hand. Oh, just one hand? A finger. He put his finger on his penis. Like you would with your nipples if a girl walked in. Oh, no! Just cover it. Just leave your penis out.

A finger over each nipple oh that was close so that's what you did he comes in covering his jug with one hand and you immediately cover both your nipples

I cover my nipples fucking unlike Natalie who's just like here's my boobs naked guy um it's a naked guy walks through the

the room and I was like who the fuck was that and she was like who the fuck was that and she was like I don't know very very quick answer from Natalie as well

just no idea no idea hey Natalie how you doing oh hey guy he looks like a Greg how does he know your name oh he must have read it on the post

why does he know exactly where your toilet is on who the mystery why are his slippers in there? It's a fucking naked guy just fucking familiarly walks through the room. You roll over and she's wearing his shirt. Oh, did you find it?

And he was fucking ripped as well, man. The guy was like, he wasn't the tank of a man, but he was like fucking cut, you know. He was like Shadow of Gladiator as if Shadow was white. So you're in a very lonely sex-based sushi restaurant. You're just sitting there waiting for naked men to walk past you. I think I love that one. I'd be like, you're doing it wrong.

You're vertical. You need to be horizontal for this to work. The sushi won't balance on your shoulders. I mean, you're doing the sushi thing wrong. Who's the weirdo now? The guy in the bedroom? The guy shouting sushi references? Right.

So the guy walks through. Bit of a fucking unit. He's in the bathroom. And I just went, dude, are you with Kat? Who's Natalie's flatmate. And he just went, yeah, mate. As if we're familiar yeah

just as if you're like oh nice one she's well fit congrats don't wash your hands let me smell your fingers after the piss

just high five and then smell my own fingers homeopathy finger sniffing homeopathy sex if I touch someone

that had sex five days ago counts technically had a foursome and then Natalie wasn't involved so we assume

it was a spectator did you kind of feel like when he walked through the first time that you were on a sex based Blue Peter episode where she just

finished having sex and she's like and here's one I did earlier finished him off you can notice the claim my eyes are in better shape this one

I didn't realise I was at the front of a queue I mean I would have I would have rushed it I'm pretty sure she assumed you had rushed it anyway yeah it didn't take my time

no what was the food for me to be my favourite like the favourite used is I might not have a big dick

but I've got a fast arse to justify if you had this arse pushing that dick you'd be in trouble it's when you're

just like a just like a fucking sewing machine or a woodpecker like a hummingbird oh yeah a woodpecker. Like a hummingbird. Ah yeah, a woodpecker.

That's what I meant. No, a hummingbird would just be you sort of leaving your dick outside of her vagina and just hover and then occasionally slap it. Going away with a little bit

of nectar on it. So they're dudes in the bathroom I shoved through are you with cats just to clarify that was not a burglar it was weird oh yeah

I've come here to steal some clothes and some shampoo so like kids normally normally fucking burglars do so much to like

cover their face like so you can't recognise them. What he's done is the other plan, which is he's just clearly distracted you so much by his body that when the police come in for a description, what do you look like? Well, he had an eight pack for days. What kind of hair did he have? I don't know. I don't know his shape down there. Also, clearly doesn't skip leg day.

Any defining features? Just loads of pecs. Glutes. Gluteus is maximised. Anyway, Danny just coughed his lungs out. It's like that old joke where the woman's having an affair with a man and her husband comes home from work early

and she's like, quick, get in the cupboard. And then the man gets in the cupboard and then the bathroom, let's say it's the bathroom, look in the bathroom, and then the woman goes, oh, there's a pair of shoes outside, who's are they? And he's like, oh, the guys he had to see about the moths. And then he opens the bathroom door and sees a naked man and goes, those bastards. We've got there. So he's insane about the moths. He's naked in my bathroom.

Asks me if I've cut. Yeah, mate. Thought it was a bit abrupt. As if I've got... As if there's no reason I should be asking this. Why are you interrupting a man during a pisser of shit? However, I don't... Right.

So Natalie's first response was, turn the bathroom light on. Because the bathroom light's outside. I sure still wants to see him. The bathroom light's outside the bathroom. So he's in there in the dark. He's like, turn the bathroom light on because the bathroom light's outside. She still wants to see him. The bathroom light's outside the bathroom so he's in there in the dark. She's like, turn the bathroom light on for him.

Like, what the fuck? I don't care about his well-being. And then she was like, he's going to piss on me bathroom floor. So then I turned the light on and my floor pissed on him. I'm just helping the guy.

And then I couldn't hear then I couldn't hear I couldn't hear pissing it's like even the fact you're just there with a cup just listening

through the door pissing with this don't use the toilet I mean you hear through the door so like because I turned the light on I'm like

listening through you can hear someone pissing from the room if it's in the en suite and I just went dude are you taking a shit and then he just got

real arrogant and just went no mate I'm having a fucking piss and I just instant knee jerk reaction just went I'm gonna fuck you with me

so I'm not gonna fucking teeth in through the bathroom door and then I realised like he's naked I'm naked I've just started a fight with a naked guy

through a door who on visuals he could probably take us in a fight but I've got a little bit of bl naked guy Through a door Who On visuals He could probably take us In a fight But I've got a little bit of blive in us So I'd stand a chance But regardless of what chance I stood

Just distract him with your erection Yeah Licking his washboard Tiny little erection Just trying to get him To get you into the sleeper hold The walls of Jericho I just feel this fucking

Small of his dick in your back And slip it in So So I didn't want to It's the walls of Jericho. I just feel this fucking small of his dick in your back. I'm slipping in. So, I didn't want to have a fight with this dude. Like, as much as I'm pissed off because he's fucking just stormed into my room, potentially having a shit in the bathroom,

right? I mean, I need reactions to have a fight, but you can't do a little bit of pre-fight admin. Like, if he opens the door, I can't be like handing him a pile of folded clothes going,

oh, you're going to get it once you've put these on this is where you and i constantly have the argument about this because i agree with you you couldn't give him clothes but there's no reason why you couldn't have put on clothes i slipped on a pair of pajamas oh all right okay to intimidate him i slipped into a sexy little number and um just so you know i don't own any pajamas so i was wearing natalie's I had this nice little pair of hot pants on

my heart's on well actually her pyjamas are actually his pyjamas this is his shirt he comes out he's like is that my shirt

no it's his big guns so regardless even if I like went fully full body of clothing on I still don't want

to fight a naked guy like just don't it's not on my agenda especially nine o'clock in the morning i just woke up i mean i haven't even had my breakfast so uh i don't want to fight on an empty stomach natalie instantly just gets out of bed to go and snitch on him the cat so runs through the cat's room and then they didn't come back and then this guy come out of the fucking bathroom looking a bit stunned looking a little

because drunk as fuck didn't quite realise where he was and he's like looking run and he just went you're fucking kidding me I'm there on a boat

sat in bed he stood over us with his dick out you're fucking kidding me I was like you're on a boat he was like I thought there'd be

some birds here and then walked out the room you got fucking rinsed what the fuck is happening in my life you're getting demasculated to shit

you're lying in bed with your woman who let's not even get into the patriarchy of this but like you're there to protect her from

intruders like that's that's your role what has I told him about not being teethed oh yeah you fucking

I turned the light on massaged his feet fucking folded a pair of fucking pyjamas for him then he came out he said

are you kidding me sorry I'm about to hear it and what was your reply I bet it wasn't there was one earlier I've got a beard Natalie this isn't my room

I've just got loads of pictures of fucking hen parties up fucking bedroom I think we haven't really got the bottom of Lego what the fuck he was playing at

right so you were just looking for the bathroom he just came in he clearly saw men's shoes at the front door

it was like right there's another man in this house I need to make sure that I'm the absolute alpha in this fucking household

and he come in just pissed in my room just pissed all over it marked his territory main now write the mortgage out in my name it's rented over it marked his tan and telly mine now write the mortgage out in my name it's rented

it's not even rented by me but I may take it I was gonna call you on that so yes so he just

fucking done that so my logic is to this guy come back with a girl know she's got a flatmate and is thinking like okay how am I gonna up the game I'm gonna go fucking try and instigate this reason walked

in and natalie's room trying to find the flatmate but fucking she's there with that dude and then that's like i think that's his psychology i think he's a fucking real gamer and he was taking a punt on it like to have that kind of bravado he was definitely taking a punt on trying to like oh you must be cat's friend like if that was his plan to go in there fucker you did nothing at any point during that to suggest that even with a man in her bed that he could not have done that he would have been holding the camera with the attitudes yeah so that natalie's like response where she was worried she's like what if you weren't in what if i was just in the room on my own i was like fucking the exact same that would happen if when weren't in what if I was just in the room on my own I was like fucking the predatory guy

just fucking was the exact same that would happen when you were in bed she would have knocked the light on herself like

I think oh thank god you were there why so he didn't insult you like so fucking

the guy walks out and Natalie comes back in as if the thought of you covering your nipples Is enough to fucking Intimidate this guy Who's ripped to shit

And blown to piss In your bathroom He's like I mean I fucking showed him I laid in bed tutting Rolling your eyes But I bet Kat's getting

An earful now Yeah we sent him home With the flayers yeah So fucking Basically We went through The fucking living room And I started

making his breakfast and then and then just giving him protein shakes being like he doesn't need it he's still barking up

I know he's got a way to go yeah yeah there's no carbs in there well there's some carbs but it's oats they're good ones so I had my breakfast

and there's about an hour passes by and Kat comes through which Kat was just as bad as him she waltzed through with just a thong on just literally doing

the covering her boobs thing and I went oh it's hot in here I'm going to go and open the door and just waltz past her so I got like a little free lap dance

off Kat so I owe her money and then she went oh have any of you guys seen his boxers right and I started looking around of you guys seen his boxers right and I started looking

around the living room for his boxers and I was like lifting cushions and stuff and I was like you realised Natalie was wearing them I'm not looking for his

yeah first he was in his bathroom and now I'm looking for his boxers like should I iron them for him please sir yes sir

fucking throw them off the balcony no I but yeah show him and then yes sir fucking throw them off the balcony nah but yeah show him and then when he comes and asks who did it you point at Natalie

I tried to stop her I did I promise here you go you threw my threw my boxers off the balcony now it's time

to toss mate off no good luck this is a podcast otherwise I'll make you stand on the fucking corner so I'm looking for his boxers and Natalie's like

burst out laughing. But you, but you're, Natalie burst out laughing, covered her eyes and went, you're looking for his boxers? But you were doing it like a fucking sniffer dog.

And she's like, right, let me smell his abs, right, and then I'll just find out where they are in the room. All Natalie's cupboards. There's scents everywhere.

It's just,elling her chin constantly Why do your tits smell like them? Are you donating this? So then he comes through With his boxers on Mystery solved So he comes in with his boxers on, mystery solved. Right. Mystery solved. Oh, where am I? So he come in with his boxers on. And then you have the disappointment in your eyes.

And he just went, like, guys, so ashamed, fucking so drunk last night. Fucking, it happens to the best of us. Like, he didn't apologise for it. He was like... What, didn't he too? He was not under threat by anyone. He was like, I was so drunk last night. I fucking, it happens to the best

They were like Excuse me for it More than Like apologise for it Right And he just stood there Like that I was like

What do you mean So drunk last night It was a fucking hour ago Like 60 minutes have passed And you've so been Up to the point Of fucking sleepwalking Through someone's bedroom naked

To go Oh sorry about last night Legend You got absolutely pitched Right eh Should I have Should I have Should I have Threw a punch

Oi You shouldn't even Go into the fucking bathroom mate Just knock out Cat's one night stand Not clean You fucking get up He's not expecting a punch

You pretend Girls will probably be mad at this Like even though Even though I'd get less Rinsed off you lot Like they'd probably be pissed off If I started fucking Breaking furniture

Rolling around Well I want you to understand the precedent you've set for me now like Natalie's over the weekend

I'm going to walk through your room to have a piss there's not a fucking bathroom in there but I'm just going to do it it's your house it's your bricks and mortar it's your carpet

I'll do it into into your luggage mark my territory let you know which one what underwear I want you to wear on what day

oh man I reckon I just woke up at 9 o'clock in the morning in a situation mark my territory let you know which one what underwear I want you to wear on what day oh man you got absolutely I reckon you absolutely I just woke up at 9 o'clock in the morning in a situation where the fucking answer was just to be a bitch

just like I don't want do you think maybe do you think maybe I'd chin the dude for that because this is the thing as well I could have like swung a punch on him or whatever but if I look at it

from a different perspective if one of our friends had done that if we heard that story off like fucking Tom or someone yeah I would have been like you deserve to get punched would be like that's my boy yeah yeah yeah different perspective. If one of our friends had done that if we heard that story off like fucking Tom or someone or Elliot would be like that's my boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if also his story was out and then I got punched I wouldn't be like oh this guy is out of order I'd be like

yeah you deserve to get fucking punched. Nah, I don't think I don't think I let it bother us enough to be Do you think the reason that you were asleep in the first place

is because like this was the second time this happened like he'd done it at five o'clock in the morning you woke up and then got up to this happened. He'd done it at five o'clock in the morning. You woke up and then got up to fucking deck him and then he just knocked you clean out cold for

four hours and then you woke up again, had no memory and were just like... That already happened. I'm getting deja vu just before swinging the punch gun. Nah, don't do it. I feel like I've been here before. So that's the story about you being a little pussy. I don't deserve the name Muggins.

No, more like Mugglins. Good link. Time's it now, Daniel. It's time for Muggle Corner. The part of the show where we, it's not really like gripes, it's just if you do any of these things, we just think you're a bit shit at being a person.

You're just... Yeah, you're just a little a little robot a little robot with low programming language the kind of person that if you were to donate your body to science science would be like nah we're we knew that hundreds of years ago we've we've got better specimens yeah this ain't evolved yet nah like muggles are the sort of people that complain about gas prices so they'll be like oh do you see it's gone up five p since the brexit like five p and i don't know if he doesn't see my map but when you get like 20 liters i've got 28 liter engine like oh that's up in the end when your

pay gets taxed from the source and then you pay a tax on the petrol and it's hardly like you've got any pay left none of it's your even your own money just being taxed to every angle yes i don't know whether i'm coming or going because i'm playing for it to come over there paying it in the road tax as well i'm paying road tax i'm paying tax on the petrol i don't know whether I'm coming or going because I'm paying for it to come over there. I'm paying it in the road tax as well. I'm paying road tax. I'm paying tax on the petrol. I don't even have kids in my taxes going towards the schools. I don't even have kids. I didn't even go to school myself.

And how are you doing? Yes, those are muggles. Not all these things. It is a very derogatory term, but we, again, we are guilty of muggly things ourselves. Like every time we've done a muggle corner, we've done three each

and nine times out of ten we'll actually go off like we're guilty but it's about keeping that ratio up and being aware of it as well a little bit of

self-awareness muggles don't know they're muggles so if you're sat there at home thinking am I a muggle you're probably not

it's kind of like being a psychopath if you think you're a psychopath you're probably not a psychopath is that the truth yeah

so what about like people that are like oh mad me slashing a glass off their head oh I'm fucking not a psychopath. Is that the truth? Yeah. So what about the people that are like, oh, I'm mad, me. Slash the glass off their head. Oh, I'm fucking mental, me. They're not psychopaths because they think they are. They think they're psychopaths, so you're trying to... Psychopaths are unaware that they're psychopaths

because they're just the way they're sort of... I don't know if it's psycho or socio. But that's still not conclusive because I don't think I'm a psychopath. But it doesn't mean I'm a psychopath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if I was a psychopath... No, no, but even this discussion... So the only way to prove think I'm a psychopath. But it doesn't mean I'm a psychopath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if I was a psychopath... No, no, but even this discussion...

So the only way to prove you're not a psychopath is to think you're a psychopath? Aye. And that's how we cure them. Just try to make them self-aware and then they stop. Just go, aye, you're mental, you, Danny.

I'm actually... I'll just headbutt this table for now just because I can. For any of our European listeners, I reckon they understood about four of the words in that sentence. Heed means head, nowt means nothing. There you go. And what does divn't mean?

Div not. Right, I'll go first. So, little rules that were applied last week is that for every muggle thing that you've done, which includes us, if we've done a muggle thing out of the six we're about to provide, if the pass and end up in muggle corner, for every one you have to stand in the corner for 30 seconds. So if you do three of the muggly things that have been called, 90 seconds facing the corner. Just think about how muggle you are.

Yep. Just really have a good, long, fucking hard word with yourself. Cleanse your muggle. Right. Let the muggle seep through your. Just really have a good, long, fucking hard word with yourself. Cleanse your muggle. Right. Let the muggle seep through your bones and out through your toes. I'm going to go, muggles like horses.

Ah, my sister's a muggle. You instantly jump to an adventure, like, own horses. Not necessarily own, but like, you know,

people are like, I just love a horse it's normally girls but muggle girls like it's just horses I just love

horses why like they're not even as good as dogs less good than dogs more maintenance than

dogs higher maintenance less good can't sniff out a pair of boxers in a house just shitting

themselves you don't get the police horse running up to your luggage in security in Amsterdam like humping your leg sniff out a pair of boxers in a house. Horse strutting around. Just shitting themselves. You don't get the police horse running up to your luggage in security in Amsterdam. Like, humping your leg. The horse is humping your leg? Man, if they did, I think they'd be taking your fucking knee out. Oh, man. Because I used to ride horses. Did you?

Oh, no, this gets worse. You're not going to believe this sentence, but I promise you this is true. I used to ride horses at Christian Camp. I'm not kidding. No. Yeah? So, wait.

One, why were you at Christian Camp? Two, why does Christian Camp have a stable? Right, so there's a place called Teen Ranch, and it's fucking way up the north of Scotland basically every oh man you sound like you got so non-stun

this sounds like a child farm they take kids to Christian camp where there's a fucking petting zoo oh man your ass is no dust

no but they were the petting zoo it was the heavy petting zoo you pet the horses while they pet you yeah you like that too so basically my parents

because my mum works from home constantly she just wanted to get me out of the fucking house for hours at a time that's why I played

football twice a week at the fucking sports centre that's why I did acting twice a week at the theatre did she not have to take you there

to get you out of the house yeah yeah yeah but everything was like two hours and especially so I went to I've been an atheist since i was about eight years old uh and but the local church did the thing it was just

it was essentially youth club but my logic was is it the christian camp that turned you atheist because everything they said you you had too much logic and we're going oh god it drove me insane you're just there getting told the word of the lord, and you're going, nah, that can't be right. You haven't thought this through, you fucking muggle. My best friend across the road, her dad was like a proper, proper Christian, and she went up there, and some of my friends went to it.

So for me, I was like, for 55 minutes, I get to play fucking football, dodgeball, there's like juice, there's water balloon. Hot juice? Aye, hot juice. Hot juice.

Fucking diluted juice. Stuff you don't get at home, you know? It's like juice, there's water balloon. Hot juice? Yeah, hot juice. It's like a diluted juice. Stuff you don't get at home, you know? It's like a hotel. A little biscuit. They give you, that's the sound of a good hotel,

they give you biscuits. So, if I could do all this. Biscuits and Wi-Fi. Biscuits and Wi-Fi. Sound of a good hotel. Sound of a good Holiday Inn Express,

shout out. Yeah, and breakfast included. Breakfast included, Wi-Fi, biscuits. My premier, and you can suck a butt, you cunts. in express shout out and breakfast included breakfast included wifi biscuits my premier and you can

suck a butt you cunts so yeah but to do that I just have to trade it off five minutes of fucking

singing songs and listening to people tell lies so it was just like I had to listen to a story about God and stuff sing a couple songs

enjoy singing the fucking songs just being dicks with your friends sing one of them Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible

tells me so and Bingo was his name oh I forgot the last one you had a great time did I? you had the best time that's Danny

just sitting there going this is free I haven't spent a penny much like the Lord's love you get to sing you get a horse ride

you get some juice so they had the summer camps Which was like again During the summer holidays My mum works from home She wants to get me out I went to go So she can flick a bean

To snuff porn Old Leather Sloss While she's at work Getting paid for strumming it Playing the air guitar On herself Oh yeah So during the summer There was seven days We used to go up Getting paid for strumming it. Playing the air guitar on herself. Oh, yeah, so during the summer,

there was seven days we used to go up north and you'd camp out and you got to go shooting rifles, you got to go fucking canoeing and kayaking. There was a big water park thing. They take you fucking on day trips to like the deep sea world and stuff like that that sounds exactly like air cadets yeah except you don't have to

hear the word of god in air cadets it probably is exactly that but it just wasn't air cadets oh but you do have to wear a uniform did you have a uniform

in your fucking band camp no I just had to wear a bib to catch all the cum that was falling off off your chin yeah so I used to horse ride

remember the name of my first horse was Renegade yeah this is when it comes into the realm of Muggle when you're like I've got a horse ride let's cover this up as being slick I'm a requesterian but my horse is called Trigger oh yeah

this is my horse The Bomb Horsey McHorseface would have been a good one yeah it would have been very meta would have been beyond its time wouldn't it but yeah no

sorry to my mum broke her back on a horse yeah right no she didn't I don't know why that was meant to be like yeah she did

yeah right like that bullshit I'm calling you on a guy No no the Christian camp horse right now Believed but your mother is Invincible good sir I've got the trump cards

And your mum's strength Is well above that of a horse She's got an adamantium Skeleton There's no way that would happen Leslie If anything she would have broke the horses back that's not how

it meant to come out ah digging a hole I mean you know what was the worst I was totally fine with suggesting

she strums it to snuff ponds but the minute I suggested she would even harm the horse by sitting on it I was like

no no no we're going to lose my one list oh she's in China right now they don't have the internet there so it'll be long before she gets this so I would say likes horses just muggles like horses not sure

nah I mean evidence one your sister I think you're just saying something that you're not into because I could say muggles like golf but then I think I'm probably just not getting the side of golf that they're getting from it. But I'm not saying like riding and racing horses. I'm just like

like them. Like, you know, have posters of them, read books about them, favourite movies, Black Beauty. The way we like UFC, if you like horses, not horse racing, not the sports side. The people that like horses are going to think we're muggles for watching naked men wrestling.

They just look at it as something different to what it is. They don't see that. There's an element of competition to it. I'll always argue things if there's no element of competition. If you're into horse racing, fine. It may just be a level of love that you can't tap into because you're a psychopath

no I've got no I like dogs but I don't have fucking posters of them nobody buys me bookmarks with fucking dogs on them no no this is true

you've got the pet dinosaur which is a life size velociraptor yeah which I'm a theme park very famous

so this dinosaur and everybody buys you dinosaur shit oh absolutely as if i like people were like oh sloss loves dinosaurs so much that he bought a life-size dinosaur no no no opposite someone was selling a life-size dinosaur for an astronomically cheap price and i was like i don't need the I'm never gonna Like I need that In my life It was reduced from like Three thousand pounds To six hundred quid Yeah It's eight feet long

It's about Five and a half foot high You can ride down his back And he's Like that Is a steal In my books Yeah

I think That might sound like Oh what a waste of money To some people It's getting so much value It's getting so much value Of just like Guests enjoying it Like as a piece of Like as an people. It's getting so much value. It's getting so much value off just guests enjoying it as a piece of, as an instalment in the house.

Anyway, it comes around with kids. Kids fucking love it. My brothers loved it. People sit on it and sit there with a sword and get photos taken and stuff. The posture is, I've dressed it up in loads of different ways for you getting home. I had it doing the ironing. I put the ironing board out and hung the iron on one of its claws.

There was one where we had him hoovering we dressed him up as Cookie Monster for Halloween he's also a clothes horse yep and I had him playing the keyboard

because his hands are like gnawed out in front of him and when I put the keyboard on him he just looked like he was playing a protogam and the best one to do

is whenever we get high and order pizza whenever they come to the door just deny that we can see him because you can always see them because he's right beside the front door when come to the door just deny that we can see them yeah because you can always see them look because he's right beside the front door

when you open the door the first thing you'll see is Riley before you'll see me and they always look at it and they're waiting for you to acknowledge it as if like them being like that's weird

just pretend you remember as well when I came back during the fringe and was it you and Mary were over it was the day before the fringe and

and you knew I was about to before the fringe and you knew I was about to drive down the drive you knew I was like a minute away because I'd just been on the phone to you and you took it outside

and made it dive out of the bush we both puppeteered it out of the bush so like in my world I'm just driving home and then a velociraptor just launches out

of the bush holy shit even in the context of like you know this is his house with Velociraptor, I reckon that freaks you the fuck out for at least a solid second. The fact that I could go,

ah, Velociraptor, oh Rowdy, it's just you. Yeah, for anyone else. I thought it was just a random Velociraptor, not my friend. It has definitely had its value,

but then again, people will send you bookmarks in cups with Velociraptors on. Shirts every fucking Christmas people who've got horses everyone will just be inclined to get them horse stuff and they're like

look this doesn't define us I'm just having a little fucking I've got my horse it's my hobby I like riding it it's a good workout I didn't say own horses I didn't say muggles own horses

I said muggles like horses it's like if you're a horse lover yeah you can own horses and all love horses clue factories what about like in westerns and stuff

are them guys muggles no because the horses serve a purpose there yeah like you're riding them so there's like if you just like horses there's a lot of like

purpose and everything with horses so that if you're into them you're like it's they've got quite a good history they've been involved in I don't you're acting like

I hate horses I don't I just don't love them yeah it's not I wouldn't put on a dating profile loves horses I don't know if

it's muggly though I think I'm going to have to veto it right well we'll get the fans to get back to us then right

oh also yeah those are the two votes so far number one is liking horses doesn't like horses to make a muggle number two

was Kai a little bitch oh god I can imagine that was going to go right what's your first muggle corner the M&M store in Leicester Square oh absolutely Little bitch. Oh, God. I can imagine that was going to go. Right, what's your first Muggle corner?

The M&M's store in Leicester Square. Oh, absolutely. Is a Muggle magnet. M&M, Muggle and magnet. That is a Muggle magnet right there. Prime location. It is the fucking number one fucking real estate in Leicester Square in London, in the capital. And fucking... It's for sweets. It's for not just sweets. fucking real estate in Leicester Square in London, in the capital, and fucking,

I have to see how I do because you're Scottish. It's for not just sweets, but like, But not even good sweets? Not even a top-ranking sweet. I reckon if I was in a garage, right,

I would have to fucking go past a Twix, a Snickers, Double Decker, I'd take a Double Decker. A Double Decker's even better. Well above fucking M&M's. A Topic,

I'd probably have a Topic before I had M&M's. Like, for me probably have a topic before I had M&M's. Like, for me to have M&M's, right, there'd have to be no chocolate left and no crisps. Yeah. You know? For me to have M&M's,

they've got to have sold out of everything else at the fucking cinema. And I've got to be... And it's not that it tastes bad. Like, I'm not... Man, I need to be in Stalingrad, in wartime Russia and ran out of

the spine of books the glue at the back of the books right I've ran out of fucking library candy and then I'd be like actually daddy

I'll have one of your M&M's have you got any left of course I've got some left I'm not on death's door yet. I've been using them as fuel. Yet,

yet there's a fucking store. And I went in, man, undercover. Right, I went in undercover as a muggle. You went in dressed as a skittle. I took my fucking shirt in to walk into that store.

Fucking. I've gone in with Elliot Steele and he's like, should we get a packet? And I'm like, no. Oh, did he catch Muggle? What? Did he want to buy a packet?

Because the Muggle had dragged him to the other side. He was in the same reason as me. They're like, this is a bit where we add the colour. Who gives a fuck? Who gives the faintest of fucks? Yeah.

And it's the chocolate. Hundreds of people walking around giving a fuck. Thousands every day, apparently. Die! chocolate... Hundreds of people walking around. Give it a fuck. Thousands every day, apparently. Die! Every last one of them, a fucking muggle. Oh, man, that could be a gas chamber for muggles. Just lure them in.

I swear, yeah, yeah. If you were to poison every M&M made in the M&M store in London, right, nobody that matter would die. Two months later, the economy would be GDP for the country would fucking skyrocket oh if the traffic would flow uh yeah no I could not agree more M&M store in London is the yeah is the muggle mecca even more so than bingo I would say yeah only like who buys a shirt or a hat with a fucking chocolate brand on it you're not a fucking race car driver you're not sponsored you're paying to be an advert

and as well if that was a sponsor you would be gutted with a deal right you know say if you're a fucking big ufc fighter and they come out here with a sponsorship deal right i really can't now because it's all rebook but fucking let's go past that part and go right everyone wants to sponsor you fucking 6 million what about the 2 million one from Monster Energy

drinks they want to pay 6 million alright what's that about you've got to have the logo on it fine I'm fine with that

you've also got to eat sex on camera nah nah I'm cutting weight oh yeah no straight in straight in at number one I'd say nah nah I'm cutting weight oh yeah no

straight in straight in at number one I'd say that's my next one Eminem Mecca Muggle Mecca yeah

Muggle Mecca absolutely in here's one that I think is in in deniable Muggles go to the gym as a couple yes

yes we vetoed the we vetoed the look if you step foot in the gym you've already done a tough bit so you're not a muggle

you're like you're taking it yeah yeah that's beyond your comfort zone beyond your program and all that well done

everyone go to the gym well done but again I think going away is a couple you've got different goals you can't be doing the same thing

you can't be both I mean on the off chance you're both going for the same physique, go for it. Why? But like... Oh, well, no, that's actually...

I didn't even consider that. Because in my head, when I'm saying going to the gym as a couple, I'm just imagining straight couples. I bet gay couples actually go to the gym as a thing. And that would work. Yeah, that would actually make sense. But I think that's the whole reason why you don't go with your girlfriend. Not because you're sexist.

Not because you're like, oh, I'm not going to the gym with a bird but the fact is your bird's probably got a different she wants to probably do for me that's not why it's for me it's mostly like how much do you need to be around each other like how desperate are you for having each other in your life's like you live together right and if you don't live together and you go to the gym together fucking weirdos you're living together you go places together like for me the gym is a very private thing like i'll go with the person i'll go with you but you might go off to separate things we're never doing a fucking sesh together i think this actually puts me in muggle corner for 30 seconds because i do workouts in the park with natalie oh muggle we do hit sessions so it's that joe wicks shit all right so we do that there's a great session

like I love the yeah that's good but like there we're both looking for the same goals with that we're both trying

you both want her to be slim I was going to say that and then I was going to make it about you because I realise you're the one

in more shape than she is I just like shitting on Natalie though so we work out in the park and I think

perhaps that's Mugly how much do you need to be fucking around each other let this make you sick in your mouth Yeah. So we work out in the park and I think perhaps that's Muggly. Oh, it's absolutely, I just, like, how much do you need to be fucking around each other? Let this make you sick in your mouth.

Went to work out in the park and ended up playing on the swings and on the slide. Oh my God. And on the climbing frame. Honest to God, right, it was like a montage on a movie

before something really bad happens. Like pregnancy. I really want that bad thing to happen, not pregnancy. Yeah, I just, like, because we were on today and like, they were kissing as well yeah I just like because we run today and like they were kissing as well and I'm like

oh fuck like oh they're kissing in the gym aye I didn't know you could do that fuck no we've been wasting we've been wasting my time

fuck's sake just just doing press ups like I'll do press ups above here every time I go we just kissed why are you correcting my posture

I'm at the water cooler I just like for me We just kissed. Why are you correcting my posture? I'm at the water cooler. I just, like, for me, I think it's not only muggly for the act itself. It's just that if that's the kind of couple you are. I think it's muggly if you're doing it to be around each other, not because of your goals. Yeah, if you're doing it to be around, if you're both training for a marathon,

absolutely forgiven. But, like, if you're there because you want to be with each other. Compromising each other's goals to be together if you were if you were in the gym because you'd need to spend more time with each other

muggle muggle oh and as well take an hour any affection in that public forum is there no not when I'm already full of testosterone

watching people necking on just throw weight through the ceiling right so we're agreed muggles go to the gym in couples yep good people necking on just fall away through the ceiling right so we're agreed muggles go to gyms and couples

yep good and horoscopes muggles believe in horoscopes because their

minds are so small they become very self-important and then they think that because I'm a Leo this happens and the universe is about me

yeah anything yeah any absolute muggles believe in horoscopes I'll also add into that like any by the way Natalie is a fucking huge

horoscopes fan what's this it's not called posters on a wall she could just open the blinds posters on a wall cancelling up

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no a no no bail bail bail oh yeah like you could just open up planes look at the stars no I look at the stars

yeah but then through the day the stars are still out there I mean I mean you're a bad astrologer I was going to say starology and I knew that was wrong so I didn't want to say it

starologist I once said uptitude instead of altitude uptitude uptitude what do you call it longitude longitude latitude latitude and uptitude instead of altitude uptitude longitude latitude and uptitude that is a lack of aptitude

shortitude yeah no the people are like today's my lucky number is 7 everyone's lucky number is 7 anyone that believes in any of this stuff... Everyone's lucky number is seven! Anyone that believes in any of the prediction and stuff,

if you have a psychic muggle, you're fucking like Milo McCabe, one of our good friends. Oh, I've got a psycho. He doesn't have a psycho, he's got a psychic. Oh, yeah, same thing. Psychics. I don't think they're psychics. Yeah, psychics don't think they're psychics.

No one else does either. If you believe in psychics, you are honestly... If you are a psychic, you don't believe you're psychic? Yeah, it's just exactly like psychic paths. Yeah, if you believe in any of that stuff, from the bottom of my heart, you are... It doesn't matter what degree you have in university. If you believe in horoscopes or psychics, I am smarter than you.

It doesn't matter how long you study for. It't matter how much of a little huff you go and think we're ignorant right now you're so dumb you're so i still love you but just because i feel sorry for you now it's like milo like milo's the godfather of his fucking daughter he's one of my best friends in the world i love him to pieces but the fact that he has a psychic reduces my respect for him a great deal I've told him this to a stone he's gone

he kisses it before his children are born please be a boy please be a boy ah girl sperm again girl sperm oh here's a dumb thing about me

you know it wasn't until I was 22 that I didn't... I thought the sperm was the baby and the egg was the house. Is it not? No. Are you kidding? I don't really know.

So the sperm is like... There's no... That's not a boy. It's not a girl. It's not a thing. It's the egg that's the baby and it just fertilises it. And people laughed at me and said I was fucking stupid. But my argument is... So does the egg make all the baby and it just fertilises it and people laugh at me and say it was fucking stupid but my argument is

so does the egg make all the decisions on your eye colour and everything like that none of that's in the sperm I think some of it's in the sperm there's DNA in the sperm but the egg's the thing

that grows into the baby drugs and alcohol yeah but the thing that fucked me up when people were taking the piss I'm like because I was thinking about chicken eggs

like the egg isn't the baby it's the thing inside the egg that's the baby but does that not get fertilized before the egg's laid? Does it get fertilized and then lay an egg with the shell on it? Or do you think the rooster comes along and chases an egg? I think that's how a chicken's born, but an egg is the period, right? So that's going to happen regardless if it's been fertilized or not.

Yeah. Is that right? Yeah. I don't think we know the answer, but I think logic applied, that's theized. Yeah, yeah. Is that right? Yeah. Like, I don't think we know the answer, but I think logic applied, that's the answer. Yeah, chicken. Hey, that's why I don't like eggs,

because eggs are chicken periods. You can say it's not, but it is. It's just chicken periods. I have a lush. I would eat normal periods if it tasted like eggs. Just dipping salt juice in it. Can I have that on my tombstone?

I would eat normal periods if they tasted like eggs. T-shirts made, muggles wear them. No, muggles don't wear them, because that would have to be mainstream for a muggle to wear it. Yeah, yeah. But because it's a thing, when I say a little bit culty, I mean major cult. Very well covered for the fact that one day

we probably will start releasing cups and shirts and stuff, and you've just covered it. It's been a good save there. But if we do, I would eat normal periods if they tasted like eggs. Horoscopes. Go and stand in the corner for 30 seconds. Not just yet. Go stand in front.

If you believe in horoscopes, go for a fucking minute. That is a different level of... And do squats. Send us a video. Like Joe Wicks from and then they stood there doing squats in the corner going

we fucking Starstein said this would happen they said there you go you're gonna end up doing squats in the corner

for a minute I mean I shouldn't even be stood here because it is true how could how could I get this wrong muggles watch EastEnders slash How could I get this wrong?

Muggles, watch EastEnders slash every other show like that. I'm talking River City, I'm talking Hollyoaks, I'm talking Doctors. I'm talking low, low, low, the bill. Some people watch the full works, man. Some people will watch Corrie and then go, Oh, EastEnders is on in a minute. They might have watched Neighbours throughout the day dude do they not know

fucking Luke Cage is on Netflix watch some fucking good shit like Breaking Bad Stranger Things all these things are available

you don't need to watch what the TV puts in front of you anymore the fucking TV the powers that be just went watch this

and you go okay you're literally being offered choice and you're now like nah I still fucking trust him like it

it is so true people do watch because you know those magazines and I've never understood these magazines but they're just TV magazines

and they just tell you what's going to happen in next week's episode and you're like you're taking what are you doing you're taking the very little suspense

there was in the mediocre acting like how are you I'd blow I little suspense there was in the mediocre acting yeah like how are you oh i blow i blows my mind and there's the content of them as well is so shabby it's so like just little like he said she said gossipy tips and rows and like real like fucking i don't know does it make when people are watching it and they're saying people have drama in their life because that's what it is storming a teacup household drama that could happen in your life so they're watching that

and it's like oh my shit ain't that bad you know what it is like fucking mean but I would argue maybe even people get spurred on by it like you know

if you're watching this fucking show where people are like having arguments going through the full range of emotions yeah and every 24 hours yeah

I'm going to try and experience this range of emotions yeah so they do it and I reckon that makes for some really fucking psychotic

boyfriends who are just like no I'm just going to be like loud as passion and sort of

stuff then again we might be doing the argument of you're affected by television but I'm not

affected by television but then again muggles might be muggles are affected by television

and the muggles are force fed force fed muggle food like muggle pate muggle foie gras foie gras man so i don't think we need much of the discussion on that we agree that he standards and everything other like his muggles bars yep 30 seconds for that and man this isn't going to take much discussion this at all because it falls in the same bracket as what you've just said, and it is the X Factor.

Oh, yep, yeah. The X Factor. And also just the feeling they get that they're making a difference when they make that phone call. Yeah. They make the phone call to vote, and it just makes them have a granule of importance on what they consider an astronomic thing.

Oh, loving all the backstage gossip and stuff, being like, oh, my God, did you hear what Therese said? Judging people. what they consider an astronomic thing oh loving all the backstage gossip and stuff and like oh my god did you hear what Therese said judging people just judging people that are trying to pursue a dream

that are kind of cornered into this probably real shit contract if it doesn't go your way right totally X Factor straight in

the only reason in there it's borderline fucking taking the piss out of the people with additional needs at the beginning yeah i do feel like we yeah we did an episode about that yeah i do feel like uh it's very much it's fake drama and sometimes they use uh people who are uh not as mentally stable and just either vilify them

it's not even just the vilifying it's forcing people to that sort of level of famous stuff like it's it's such a it can be so jarring and then we don't care like you fucking

take these people who have normal lives put them straight through make them fucking famous and then spit them out the other end spit them out

the other end after having every aspect of their life fucking scrutinised under the microscope like you just only the strong ones survive

and very few fucking do the rest you've just been at you can analyze solidly the strong ones survive they're like so picked by the claw yeah the claw on fucking Toy Story that claw it comes down and picks one of them based on these judges but like the most talented person who could probably bring the most success is not always the one that prevails so it takes that meritocracy I guess away from man like a bit in Muff, which I'd like to re-quote as the bit where he goes,

like, he fails his X-Factor audition. He's Scotland's hidden interest in talent extravaganza. For those of you that don't know, me and Kai wrote a show called Muff, which is on YouTube, which is basically just about a TV production company that causes the end of the world. There you go.

It's on Muff. So he fails you go. That's all I'm off. So he fails his audition, he's there with his guitar and he gets told he isn't through and then he starts crying saying, this was my last chance, this was my only hope, we're never making it. And then your character is like, this is your only hope,

you don't want to go through the fucking normal channels and actually put some fucking hours in and some miles into your dream and chase the dream. This isn't the only hope. Yeah, if someone told me of my fucking second or third stand-up gig that I wasn't going to get

television the next day, I wasn't going to be famous, I would, even if I wasn't on television, I'd still be doing stand-up because I love, I love this job. Yeah,

you've got to, you've got to chase it, you've got to pursue it. You can't just go like every setback, you're like, ah, you've fucked it.

Anyway, we're getting, we are, we're even, we're going well over as well. We're at 50 at the moment if you're not, you're not in a fucking spliff break. We're not going to, by the way, we're not going to exclusively going well over as well. We're at 50 at the moment. We're not even on a fucking spliff, Blake.

We're not going to exclusively keep these to an hour. You can listen to podcasts whenever. We're not... I think the first three have been kept under an hour. You make people listen to some on the way to work and then some on the way back. You might just treat yourself. That's Muggle Corner.

So we've got the X Factor, Horoscopes, the M&M's store, Coronation Street and EastEnders, Soap Food, Junk Food. Going to the gym as a couple. Going to the gym as a couple. And then the debate is horses. No horses, but if you did horoscopes, you make up that extra 30 seconds. Right. Sweet. We'll go for a

joint and we'll be back in zero seconds. So, you are a fucking idiot. Yes. What did you do? I was an idiot. So, we come back from a spliff And we decided to Do the games that we've got prepared for the end And Kai didn't turn on his microphone

Not only did he not turn on He turned it off You are the reason That drugs have a negative stereotype I had the same amount of weed as you did Came back had a fucking good old time But now the story that's going to be on the papers Front page negative stereotype I had the same amount as weed as you did came back had a fucking good old time but now the story that's going to be

on the papers front page muggins muggins stone shame muggins just icing at the back just fucking smoking away and then running

a podcast but that does give us the advantage of since we're already overrunning we can just go straight on into your dad jokes

and and still be under an hour. So that's perfect. And we'll bring back another game next week. You can go first. Okay. Your dad has no room left on his planner because he refuses to delete any episodes of Miranda.

Your dad's dream is to become a parking attendant, but he could never get over his fear of paper cuts it's fucking one of the bad parts of that trade danger danger in every corner when your pet cat died

your dad tried to flush it down the toilet your dad practices kissing on the mirror and sex he would get stuck for ages at the head tilt and sex and your head tilt for ages at the head tilt at sex

at sex just head tilt for the kiss and you turn left and these reflections going right just jamming it jamming his dick

in like a fucking monkey with a bingo dabber just and cracks gets a paper cut on it like a glass cut which is just called a cut

which is what gets him fed up with coming to park and attending your dad spent hundreds of pounds on posters trying to get hip-hop producers to listen to his demo tape. Why? Because it's fire? Shopping nothing but bombs.

Fucking knowledge bombs, truth bombs. Do you know any of your dad's rap music? No. Do you want to sing that one about his favourite son? Oh, Matthew. Also, this is a if in rap anyone's going oh Matthew

fucking Dr. Trace listen to your dad's demo I think he's into the bible or something that's you now your dad put his Nokia 3310 in a condom

on vibrate, shoved it up his bum and racked up a £700 a month phone bill. From pocket dialing with his arse. No, no, just phoning himself to make him come. I mean, but he'd have to answer.

No. And just so he could do the lame dad joke all the time, being like, where's that call come from? Oh, it's coming from inside the house. What's coming from inside me? Put my arse on the second shelf

did you ever used to say that where you go where's someone you go ah where's where's Gene and you go open your arse on the second shelf

no was that never a scene how many people are up your arse I haven't even fucking saw them in a shelf

where's Daniel open your arse on the second shelf who's on the third? Bug them off. But now I've realised that it's just, I don't even,

this is what happens with me is I have these sayings that have been around all of my life and then find out they're not just local to Newcastle but they're local

to my street in Blythe. You used to think that, yeah, we had a proper argument about this because you not only believed,

convinced and argued with me Properly That poop Means fart And poop does not mean fart Poop means poop Like I said you do a poop In my world

Poop means fart For 27 years I've said poop And I've meant fart Ugh So when I talk about Oh that was just me I just pooped

I just feel like a very blasé Just blasé about shitting myself in a lift. I sometimes poop during sex now. It's really hard to not poop whenever my girlfriend's going down on me. When me and me both, I used to fun fight, he'd pin me down,

poop in my face. Pretty bastard. Your dad facetimes his dog. Your dad takes his own plate and cut it into McDonald's. Your dad is absolutely thrilled when he finds out that the chocolate chips and cookies turn out to be raisins. It's the greatest

day, or M&M's. Everything's coming up, Kev. And everyone. Well, if your dad could be any animal, it would be a kangaroo, so that he could fuck a kangaroo and not get arrested this time. He'd call the kid Joey. Your dad came back from Marbella with cornrows.

Proper beats. Your dad's banned from the zoo. Is that good? Let me guess, why? Your dad goes in the huff if someone else presses the button On the traffic lights before him And an elevator Cried in an elevator Refused to get off

Until they went back to the ground floor And got to press the button again himself Ma'am Hands in his pockets Kicking the floor Your dad checks the count return slot For money at the condom machines And service stations

Found your trolley token I'm not using No I'm not using it as a does mark uh your dad pops his collar to let other know other dads know that he's up for a fight at the school playground i mean we're picking up kids it's just a sign for fucking ready to throw down alpha That lad that walked through my room would have popped his collar if he had any fucking clothes on. Your dad detached his retina trying to take out his contact lenses at the end of his session

before he realised that he doesn't even wear contact lenses. It was worse when he was trying to take off a condom. He was fucking scratching. I think that's all

now I've got one more your dad buys other people's photos when he gets off the rollercoaster just frames him and puts them in the house just lets other people have a good time I just want to see his children's ugly bugs thank you very much for listening to the podcast if the second half of that was not as good you know

exactly who to blame go on Twitter and call him a fucking piece of shit for just guilty guilty as charged push me how you will

otherwise come see us on tour on Thursday the 15th of October we are at the Bar Theatre in St Andrews that is today if you're listening to

it on the release date more yesterday if you're listening to Friday we could go through all these Livingston on the release date. More yesterday, if you're listening to Friday. We could go through all these. Livingston on the 14th of October at Howden Park Centre and then Paisley Arts Centre

on the 15th of October, which is a Saturday. And then Sunday, we have a day off, but me and Kai will be on Absolute Radio. We're guests on Jason Manford's show

for some reason for five hours. So it's going to be five hours of this plus Jason Manford? Aye, but just no swearing. Like a mild version.

Do you want to muggle it up? I think we'll have to muggle it up and also we can't have joint breaks. Oh shit, well at least we'll get the

second half of the show. Fucking turn your mic off there you dumbass. Also, let's give you some of the European tour dates.

I just had a real hard sinking moment where I checked to see if my mic was on. Man, have you done any talk? Yeah, I've done. Alright, you fucking idiot. On the 18th I just had a real hard sinking moment Where I checked to see if my mic was on Man if you'd done it Talk

Yeah I've done it Fucking idiot On the 18th of October Wroclaw, Poland 19th of October Warsaw, Poland We've never been to Poland land before Poland land

Yep Land of the Polands Yep Please come and see us 20th of October Stockholm in Sweden 21st of October We're in Slovenia

In Ljubljana There are two shows that day Because the first show is sold out So please do get on that quickly 20th of October Stockholm in Sweden 21st of October we're in Slovenia in Libyana there are two shows that day because the first show is sold out so please do get on that quickly apart from that

leave us feedback on Facebook you can answer any of the polls that we did yeah you can find the tour dates on my website

now I've got the moment on my website www.kaihumphries.com every gig of the tour including ticket links is on there and also you can

you just spilled juice on yourself no maybe just reminding yourself of fucking Christian Camp no I didn't spill it back then good old days so on my website

you get all the tour dates and I'm selling the USB with last year's show on which has got me doing a one hour show and a bunch of bonus features on there too yep

apart from that leave us positive feedback on fucking iTunes we are genuinely overwhelmed by how many people have actually been fucking listening to it. We didn't expect it to be this many. So thank you to the people that are continuing listening.

Please do spread it amongst your friends. Yeah, share the shit out of it. It's the way to get it out there. We're literally just starting, so pretty new to this game. So if you could share it with your friends, leave us some nice feedback and stuff that we can retweet like muggles. Or if you hate it.

I've been retweeting praise, Daniel. I know. That is a very muggle thing to do, isn't it? But I just want a bit more reach for this podcast. That's fair. Apart from that, thank you very much for listening and we will talk to you again on Monday. Muggins and cream out. Fuck yourselves.