Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.10 Podcast For Ducks

Episode Date: October 25, 2017

After two solid days of playing boardgames Cruggins and Meame are Figh as Huck in Copehagen from picking up a ton of weed at Christiania. For ducks.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or a magical cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Also don't shoot.

I shot the muggins, but I never shot the cream. What? You've gone back to songs. I've run out of idioms. What? I've run out of idioms. You've done, like, five. Someone posted this one on Twitter saying,

in the game of muggins, you either win or you cream. That's my absolute favourite. I haven't been able to think of one that tops this. You're high. It takes one to know one. High. We're in Copenhagen,

in the hotel room, so we're trying to keep the noise down. Yeah, because he's deaf, and also it's a pretty thin-to-wall hotel. Yeah, I feel that. Well, why don't we just speak up and let them enjoy the podcast? It's their lucky day. No, it is, like, for fucking what time is it? I don't know, but we are high.

It's only 11. There's a place called Christiania in Copenhagen, which is like, they call it Freetown, where there's no real laws or rules and police don't go through. But they just like save weed on market stalls and we got

pretty high yeah we got high all night last night then we went to a place called the Bastard Cafe Stay Liberal Denmark

which is a board game whoa dude dude dude what what happens until it stays

until it I have put us both in muggle court. Because we went to a board game cafe two days in a row. Oh, and you buy day pass? Like fucking muggles. Oh, the worst. But I'll tell you what. You know the muggles at the board game cafe?

Aye. They are the sweetest people. Aye. Do you not like people watching them and just want to cry? No, man. At how nice they are as people. I got so much not like just people watch them and just want to cry nah man look at how nice they are as people I got so much money today

just dishing out fucking wedgies and stealing lunch money honestly so many purple nurples I made a snapchat of me shouting fucking nerd

at you to like show them like just in like a little scan of the comic the comic book shop the board game shop turning on you and fucking nerd and when I looked them, just in a little scan of the comic book shop, the board game shop turning on you and fucking nerd

and when I looked up, like 20 people turned around thinking I was talking to them they're like, guilty! I think I accidentally harassed some women today did you? at least it was accidentally for a change we were outside the

bastard cafe, haven't I, joint and we've got this thing that we always do with our friend Milo McCabe, whenever we're smoking weed it was accidentally for a change. We were outside the Bastard Cafe having a joint and we've got this thing that we always do with our friend Milo McCabe. Whenever we're smoking weed, Milo McCabe will start talking and he'll just let the joint go out in his hand. So me and Kai, he just got so tired of him doing this that... I was tweeting

and he was just looking at the spliff. His tongue out panting. Yeah, and so we just decided that every time Milo keeps the spliff, we're just looking at the spliff. Yeah. His tongue out punting. Yeah. And so we just decide that every time Milo keeps the spliff, we're just going to bark like dogs. Like, they can retreat. So, just a shitty private joke

we've had for five years and we're standing outside, Kai was on his phone and he had the joint in his hand and he hadn't passed it in like two minutes. So I started barking at him just to,

you know, get a laugh and literally I turned around and three women had just walked past and acted shocked and I was like, oh no.

You can't call. Don't call. Don't call. I accidentally dog called women and I was like you can't call dog called dog called I accidentally dog called and I was like there's no way I can't go explain myself

because that'll just make it it took a while to explain just then and also that's just further harassment they already hate me I'm not going to go over and waste more of their time

and that's not an interaction you want to have while you're high trying to explain how you were sexually harassed just like no no

me and him just go to shit just awooka Trying to explain how he went sexually harassing someone. Just like, no, no, me neither. Just go to shit. Oh, oh. Habba, habba, habba. Yeah, just awooka and doing the mask eyes. Like my tongue rolls out my mouth. And rolls.

And to like twist my ears to get it all the way back in. Jaw hits the floor. Yeah. Habba, habba, habba. Like do that thing where you Oh I heard the Danish talk there Oh yeah Danish people talk

Like they've got their finger in their mouth And they're moving it up and down While they're talking to each other Like imagine if you understood Because I'm wobbling my lips now Danish people sound like they're constantly drowning They sound like a fart in a bath It's like a fart in a bath

But also Like the gig here's been amazing it's like a it's like a it's like a it's like a but also like the gig here has been amazing I honestly I've forgotten how much I love Copenhagen like it's such a cool city

and the one thing we noticed last night was they all speak English but not like and I don't mean that

in the way we're like obviously they all speak English fluent English but they speak English to English but they speak English to each other and we were walking

back last night and we heard Danish accents but speaking in English and everyone in the conversation was Danish so they weren't doing it for a British person

every group conversation was in English do you think they're practising I feel like Rockstar Games programmed the conversations and they just

done it like that it's like programmed I'll say this like that but whenever you watch movies like where you know it's set in Russia

and the Russians are all talking in English even though there's no English people around it's just like we need to get all of the nooks and you're like

why don't we just switch back to our mother tongue I just feel like that's what the Danish they're just so hospitable they hear us walking and they're like

well we'll make sure that if they overhear that we're like well we'll make sure that if they overhear that we're doing it in their language that's fair well and then we're just oh where else did we go we went to Sofia where were you

which one was Sofia? Sofia was the one we had the night before last where we so we went to this really quiet bar after the gig with the promotion team the production team and we're just like

it was a Monday night so quiet and then they were like oh do you want to go to this like what bar did they say

Serbian no where in Sofia yeah they were asking if we want to go to a proper

Bulgarian bar a Bulgarian bar. A Bulgarian bar. Yeah, it's in Bulgaria. I'm high, mate. Could have pulled me. But we didn't know what we were expecting. We just thought it was going to be a little bit grungy. Aye.

It was fucking lovely. They just take all laser beams and fucking... That was your first description of how good it was. Laser beams and that? Smoke machines? Yeah, that's what you want from a fucking bar. You're like the old discotheques, do you? There's dancing.

DJ there. They've got nibbles. It's like a proper party when you were young. There's seven drinks at the bar. We did get absolutely... But it was a fucking massive banging club. Banging? It was a fucking massive banging club banging it was a banging club had all the tunes

discotheque super busy on a Monday they mad and then they were pouring they were just bringing bottles

to a table over and over and you're just free pouring in our mouths we're just free pouring we're putting vodka and tonic

in my mouth big cup cut it in a cup. Cut it in a cup and put it in lime. Couple ice cubes. Use them little... You put ice cubes in your mouth?

Aye, lime. And then just mixed it up. Shook your head. Like I started getting more complicated cocktails. Shook your head really viciously like you were

a fox with a baby. Like they'd snuck in the cash flap. So how are you? I'm alright, mate. Just looking after you. Just babysitting you, if you wanted. Oh, mate. I've just decided to bring down the level. Sorry for freaking out earlier, so just let it look put. You're breathing into my paper bag. That was a joint. It's a new way to smoke it.

All the kids are doing it. They call it the bagpipe. What ways have you smoked weed, right? I've smoked apple bong on one of the scenery bits in New Zealand. I'm sure you've smoked apple bong in New Zealand before.

Aye, because I got taught it and we went up all the way up one of the fucking, like, Mount Doom in New Zealand, in the Lord of the Rings movie. Threw your bong in. No, and none of us had brought papers. The one bong that binds them. I just brought a fucking apple,

and I was like, I'm about to blow everyone's mind, and you do it. It was fucking great. So apple bongs. I've done it through the handlebars of a bike. Have you? I carry a bike. Oh.

That was meth. That doesn't sound like marijuana. I've smoked weed at your dad. That's impressive. I blew it up there. I put the weed on his butthole and I kiss him. And I like it in the end.

His eyes bubble. Just party trick he is no he's my party trick you take him to bar mitzvahs he's a he's a

he's a trick he's your prostitute he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a trick. He's your prostitute. He's a curve-caller. Your dad's a curve-caller. We're not even at the time.

We're five minutes in. Or have I just been high? Has it been 55 minutes? Let's see what time dilation you've got. Nine minutes. Because I think you get time dilation on weed sometimes. You get pupil dil, there when you said it was... You get pupil dilation whenever you look at me. I don't even know what that means. Well, it's meant to be like, if you're in love, your pupils dilate.

Your nostrils flare when you look at me. My ears pop when I look at you. Oh, that's all I had to do all along. All I had to do to get my hearing back was take one look at you. Every fucking episode you bring up your fucking hearing. Well, I think you need to be a hearing back? Let's take one look at you. Every fucking episode, you bring up your fucking hearing. Well, I think you need to be a bit more sympathetic about what I played.

I just, like... Oh, my two eyes falling apart, you know. Is it? Why? I started off real strong. I had everything, all my chargers, all my devices. Oh, aye. I had everything sorted.

And then all of a sudden, I lose the charger for the Game Boy. It's not a fucking Game Boy. It's a Nintendo Switch, for the Game Boy. It's not a fucking Game Boy. It's a Nintendo Switch, for the love of God. Your dad's a Game Boy. So let's be a charger for that. And I don't want to just go into a shop and get one because I'll have one of them flimsy little two-pin plugs.

I'll have to take a little European adapter everywhere with us to get the three prongs. It sounded so derogatory. So flimsy. It's so fucking flimsy there, man. You feel like you're going to break the three prongs. It sounded so derogatory. That's so flimsy. It's so fucking flimsy the arm on. You feel like you're going to break the socket

when you put it in. If you know what I mean. So I didn't want to buy one of them so I'm just going to fucking just can I borrow your charger Daniel?

I'm using it. I'll just sit here then. I'm just going to indulge myself in that for fucking two weeks. I think we're buying one and getting rich to bring it for us, get it to live out the riches, might do that. Rich Missa, I know.

And then on top of that, my laptop, stuff's charging, and it's because you need to wobble, you need to wibble the cable. You need to wobble the cable. You wibble it. Yeah, you give it a wibble and the light comes on and then you let go and the coat of gown's off. Do you know what I'm talking about, though? I do. Sometimes it happens with your'm talking about, though? I do.

Sometimes it happens with your charger when it's a bit as jaunty. Oh, there's nothing worse. There's nothing worse. You know the bit where your iPhone gets to that point where you're just like, you've got to balance it

standing up against a wall because you've got sand in the fucking bottom and you've got to push it in further each time. And then you check on it and you get to the perfect spot. You gaffer tape it up

and then you go back and it's off again. If you ever do it with the iPhones, you've always got that moment where it's like the heart locker where you're just backing away from it as slowly as you can. Like it's finally done. You're just not leaving the room. Don't breathe.

That's happened. So I use that to charge some of my stuff. So I've got my iPad on charge in one, and then my laptop's on charge, and then I'll have the battery pack charged off that, and my headphones. I've got a my iPad on charge and one and then my laptop's on charge and then I'll have the battery pack charged off that and my headphones and I've got like a multitude of items

name dropper filled up quite the collection that big brother money that sweet sweet channel 5 money I've got chargers and headphones and iPads

and iPhones did we discuss that in and iPhones did we discuss that in the podcast you you do all of my favourite things did we discuss in the podcast

you dressing up as a fly we did I think it was the one after Glastonbury if not you and Tom Hart

oh hold on let's get to the end of my rant so I wake up in the morning and none of my stuff is charged off my Mac

I'm down to one plug that i can use that's away from my mac i've got to juggle all my devices and then it's like soapy's choice on top of all of this i've got yeah i'm gonna choose what do i want my headphones on my fucking ipad i'm gonna listen to nothing i'll just watch it quietly oh great options and then i've been um downloading Walking Dead off my iPhone, using my iPhone as a hotspot, right? Because if you go on the Wi-Fi, it says, oh, Walking Dead's not available in this region.

So I'm like, right, I'll use my data, because my data's coming from the UK. So I just fucking reached out on my data, and that just popped up and went, you've only got 80% left, motherfucker, I'm not going to give you any other options to buy it. It just cut me off. They've got it, man. Tough love. And then I'm like, oh, no, other options to buy it I'm just cutting you off they've got it man, tough love

I'm like oh no, all these snapchats and instagrams I'm going to have to just do them all on wifi so yeah, everything's falling to shit mate hope you don't mind us having a little whinge thanks, you've been such a supportive friend thank you for letting us get that off my chest what was that episode

when you were with Stanley in Australia and it was like your happiness finally runs out occasionally you've just been running on fucking

floating it like you're driving home from a gig in Bristol you want to get back to London before the X Factor just using all my

happiness up early doors but yeah I mean it's been a real test we've had to get high and play board games we always did. What did we do before Sofia?

What was before Sofia? Cluj? Yeah, we went to Transylvania. Oh, man, the fucking... Oh, no, we did a fucking podcast in... I think, didn't we? We did a podcast in Transylvania. In Sofia, did we not?

No, can we not do this afterwards? Did we not do one in Sofia? No. Must have done. No, we just come back from Sofia. That's where we were last. Oh, maybe we not? I don't know, can we not do this afterwards? Did we not do one in Sophia? No. Must have done. No, we've just come back from Sophia, that's where we were last. Oh, maybe we did. Fuck it.

Aye, aye, sure. Come back and listen to it. We're bored, everyone, just panicking. So you dressed up as a fly in Big Brother for minimal money? Oh my God, and it got cut.

Tom Holland and you dressed up as a fly to be, get his listeners, flies on the wall on the Big Brother house. Big Brother's bit on the side. No. We met Ryland. Who?

Ryland, he got very far next factor, and then he'd become the host of Big Brother's Big Mouth. Oh, okay. I thought I was a big fan. Oh, there he is. Is he the one with the teeth? Teeth, aye. Aye.

He's got teeth for days first thing I said oh I'm panicking hello there my name is Ryland I was like teeth for days and a big sparkle come off them right so I dressed up as a fly because I thought it was 150 quid

I dressed up as a fly so I had a fly costume 150 quid to dress as a fly so I had a fly costume 150 quid I had a gallon bucket of dignity just poured

that down the drain won't be needing this he says since he flings it into the

sunset just spaces into the atmosphere like someone laughed after taking a line just spaces into the atmosphere like someone laughed after taking a line this is great listenership

this is white noise we could call the podcast that because we are both white white noise that's what this is to a lot of people that because we are both white white noise that's what this is to a lot of people that's a new nickname, white noise a lot of people listen to this and be like do straight white men have an opinion on stuff

that's weird this is very original they should do a podcast so how's your blog going it's alright just got to keep people up to date I used to keep a blog and I got my ban from a bunch of nightclubs

remember that no you got banned from a nightclub for being mean in the blog so this nightclub saw your online blog and went fuck that they didn't like it

they didn't come back I'll give it a sweet rate on the next one a fucking online blog and went, fuck that, come on. He didn't like it, didn't come back, he was all there, queuing, going, I want one last chance. I'll give it a sweet rate over the next one. Look, looking at it in a partnership, I'm not saying

it can't be bought. Where did you get a band from? Fucking, one of the ones on George Street in Edinburgh. Not Hive,

not Hive then? No, Lulu's. You can get in Edinburgh not Hive not Hive then no Lulu's you're part of Hive Hive though like the guy from Hive like all my reviews were like this place

you know was nice enough or whatever it was just comedy so it was just comedy like so you didn't really mean much by it just taking the piss out of like the clubs and what was going on and stuff

because I remember that's where you come up with Elaine there I went in the toilet and someone was taking caviar off a swan's back yeah and it was about Lulu's

and then I was like and the running joke of the blog was at the end of each one we'd always end up in Hive and I would always be like because of course you do and I was

rip on Hive but I love it and the guy from Hive who was doing PR at the time was like hey can you not tell everyone that like our nightclub

like is you know dingy and I'm like that's the best bit about it that's why everyone goes because people want to go to the nightclub where the, is, you know, dingy, and I'm like, that's the best bit about it. That's why everyone goes, because people want to go to the nightclub where the locals say, don't go to it.

Right. So people go, don't go to Hive. I'm here for the weekend. It rains indoors. This is if we're going to do a little critique on Hive now. People sweat as they dance throughout the night, and as the night goes on,

the water collects on the rock ceiling, and then eventually it gets too much it starts raining at two in the morning this is fucking great but like this place has got its own habitat

it's self sustainable yeah it's got its own you could actually just put a dome over a hive right lift it onto the moon plant it on the moon

have its own atmosphere and its own climate oh i'm sure i mean i'm high so i don't know how my brain works sometimes should we move on to michael corner so we have something to talk about i'll just pull your face where's my phone um so this one is from jenna on uh twitter hi jenna i'll speak to twitter sorry jenna i'm gonna put it on hold so this one is from Jenna on Twitter hi Jenna I was speaking to Twitter

sorry Jenna I'm going to put it on hold when we done our Instagram story Snapchat story of going drink for drink

in Norwich and people start giving us challenges like for instance say Octomukty drink five shots and someone

said say this word in Swedish so we tried to do the words in Swedish and the oh yeah yeah he had to say the words just from the

yeah yep and then we met them tonight and I won they confirmed that I won what was the word you were saying

oh like fuck I remember that wasn't the challenge no but no what was the translation oh I don't know so we could have been saying anything

just like some fucking like alright that's how they get you we're not part of the Danish old boy just being properly racist now?

Aye. Just because they put words on us. We've been properly, properly racist catfished. Scandalised in Scandinavia. No. Scandalivionalised. Nope. Scandal...

No. Scandalising-avia. Scandalivian-asia. It's in their own way. If you put them together long enough, they'll fit. Jenna says Muggles ask people in shops who wear uniforms If they work there At work at Greg's

Isn't the hairnet a clue Do you work here? Can I get a stick bag? I'm on the other side of the till If you're dressed in Greg's stuff Who goes to Greg's dressed like that like if you're different way at Greg's who goes to Greg's dressed in Greg's

clothes why would anyone think that was maybe somebody from a maybe someone from a rival bakery and they're just sending them in to find out all the fucking like how often do you spit in your ones how do you keep it at just the wrong temperature like people from rival bakeries like Jeff's.

Is Jeff's a bakery? No, but like... It sounds legit if Greg's is a bakery. Oh, that's fair. I saw the bit you were doing. Collins. Barry's. You get a steak bake from Barry's.

He's getting high on his own supply. He's eating everything himself. He's eating himself to the ground. There's fucking crumbs all over the floor. I've never worked in a... I guess when I was the paintball referee... What, you worked with food? No, no, when I worked at the paintball referee place,

I would wear red and yellow and everyone else was in camouflage and they come up mid-game and be like are you the referee? And it's like nah, I'm just overly confident. Like, of course. Like, the fuck are you talking about? I just set the difficulty high.

I'm just walking through, slowly going, don't put your masks on. I had a yellow one as well. Have you ever been paintballing? Huh? Have you ever been paintballing? Yeah, I kept shooting people in the midriff.

That's the midriff. In the midriff. That's not what I meant. I meant in the mid between games. In the midriff. Like in the mid... It's so specific. It's not even close to the double tap.

You just aim at people in the mid-trip. A couple of pushes on their belly. Like you've flown a raspberry too hard. I'm just trying to get them on the belly button. Trying to reset them. Like if trying to get them on the belly button trying to reset them like if you hit them push their buttons if you hit them right at the belly button

and it goes straight through they do go ding and you win a prize the middle of the games I mean like in between games not the middle of the game

of course you put them in the middle of the game the middle of the game is when you're about to shoot them so shoot them in the midriff in the middle of the game right right you're meant to shoot them. So I was shooting them in the mid-riff in the middle of the game, right?

Right, I'm going to get this across to you. In the bits in between the game, the breaks. Aye. Aye. So I was shooting people in the interval. It's class. Like, people I didn't know. Oh, really?

Like, some of them were my mates, but there was also a group of other people. There was this kid there with his dad, right? The dad was in his 40s, and this kid was with his dad right the dad was like in his forties and this kid was like fucking 18 or something we just kept fucking bitching him and all these dads

like trying to shoot him back we're just like fuck off dad big group of joddies he's such a bunch of cunts we were fucking colour of men

everyone thought he worked there had a bunch of pink and purple on man the worst thing about paintball is when People do that to you I know I was there with my dad And these Jordies

I've got revenge though He works for me now He was bullying us Like all day so now I give him money oh hold on speaking of

I've got a bonus pick for you oh me so we've had two nights this is our second night in a hotel in Copenhagen right and last night

we decided to facetime Eric Lampere who was on the podcast I did when we were out in fucking wherever we were you were in LA I was in Australia

right so we were out there and Eric's the one you know from Washington that's where we were out in fucking wherever we were. You were in LA, I was in Australia. Aye, so we were out there. And Eric's the one you know from Washington. That's where we were from there. FaceTimed him. Kai comes into my room, sees the very small bed I have. Small room. I'm like, oh, it's a budget hotel. That's fine. We've stayed in some nice places.

Yeah, for two days. We've got a day off, yeah. Come into Kai's room tonight. How the fuck did you get a double bed, cunt? It's a nice bed, isn't it? How did you get a double bed, cunt? It's a nice bed, isn't it? How did you get a double bed? Two pillars. This is you absolute fucking snake.

Plugs up by the wall. Absolute snake. I was going to tell you. I couldn't be bothered to move my stuff. I've got it on my toilet when it's set out. I set them out sometimes.

Oh yeah, for two days, put a little picture up. Picture of me dog. Make it feel like home. You you just got to add your own touches put me live laugh love fucking carved bit of wood out oh did you see that staircase

to heaven someone posted a staircase on me wall a muggle staircase and had all the dance like no one's watching laugh like no one's listening cry like no one cares that fucking bullshit one at every step

there's fucking 12 of them fuck man look at all the stages of depression I hope trip on the last fucking bit of encouragement

and just fall all the way back down on my neck dance like no one's watching paradise from the neck down you just fell down the stairs the last thing you saw have you ever had a job where you had to wear a name tag

or you always worked in not service industry just like I think I've never thought about this I had a name tag on when I was a lifeguard we did we talk about this recently

did we a name tag if someone you're like oh sorry here's my call ticket I do maybe remember that routine it was a magnet one though so it comes off easy

If it snags on something Files off and then the magnet Runs behind it The fuck's it gonna snag it on a pool You're not swimming in the ocean There's not like fucking coral reef On the boat Does it have a bad for safety

What's it gonna snag on Get in water Like if someone's like Trying to clutch at you They're like stay safe And it'll just come off of their hand It seems like If you want them to have something

To clutch onto They're drowning That would not be name bad Are you also rubbing yourself It seems like If you want them to have something To clutch onto They're drowning I've not been in but Like what Are you also rubbing yourself In vastly before Well that would just rip my top Do you know how many

Lifeguards come out Of the pool with tears On their clothes Tears Tears Tears like rips No Did you misunderstand us

I did I nearly drowned in a pool once. I was there watching. I remember it was last shift. I was just like, me and my daddy just finished paintball. I got fired that day. Me and my daddy just finished paintball

and she went for a walk. Just coloured the water in as you swam. No, it just looked like they'd actually added that urban myth chemical to the pool that makes it turn purple when you pee. Oh, who did the old joke? There was an older comedian, a more mainstream comedian, done a joke about there's a new chemical in the pool that turns your pee colour,

turns women's purple and turns men's blue. And when me and my lass go swimming, it looks like we're the Red Arrows. Is it good gagging then? But it's a proper old one. I don't know whose it is. It's probably old school. Joke thief. Bobby Thompson or something.

Bobby Thompson? I don't know. What's the Geordie one called? What? Comedian? Bobby Thompson. It is. I've never heard of him.

You know. Is that your idol? Yeah. Is that your idol? I don't know. I've never heard of him. I should probably watch more of his stuff So it's in the corner

if you wear it Yeah of course it is if someone's like can't recognise that you work there by your uniform Right it does it's just

But I found myself asking do you work here to people? Yeah but like if it's not a uniform Because that's like it's a big risk to like you know

if they don't work there I saw it happen when it last time I was in Copenhagen two months ago we were in the hotel and there was this guy that was very well dressed

but he was standing with his arms behind his back and a woman came in she was like where did we check in he's like I don't work here and it was

she was so mortified but he did look like he fucking worked there so I had one as well where I was asked for information on a laptop

I was looking at just from someone that was like browsing themselves because I had like a lanyard on asked for information on a laptop I was looking at, just from someone that was browsing themselves. Because I had a lanyard on from being in a meeting or some shit. I just thought, PC World. People keep asking me if I work at the strippers because I keep taking my clothes off. It's like, nah, nah, I was doing this anyway. It's hot.

I'm getting, oh boy, hot in the collar. I tell you. It's like a I'm saying, oh boy, hot in the collar. I tell you. It's like a greenhouse in here. The hard fucking carpet footprint looks huge. Camel's footprint. Right, what's your first one? My first one is, I've got four because I've added one. So, numbers work um muggles put their child custody dramas on facebook oh see i don't if there's anything to do with like oh she's giving

a shit again and trying to take the kids away from us and i'm like woo woo woo not social media i've never experienced this because I only know happy people. I see quite a few. It's almost as if we grew up in very different areas. It's almost as if you and me went to such different schools that our Facebook feeds are very different. I know this shouldn't matter, right? Because if someone loves a kid, doesn't matter if they're educated or not, right?

Love is love. They just have to be with their child. If ever there's like bad spelling in a custody, pick it passive aggressive, directly aggressive Facebook status, I kind of doubt that claim to custody. Like I look at it and go,

oh, you'd seem unhinged and thick. If you're lashing out, like on such a public way. And I'm like, even if you, even if that's a total wrong, like misrepresent,

like if I'm picking it up wrong yeah yeah that's how I'm picking it up alright so I don't know why you would want to project yourself in that way see I don't care

anything like that on Facebook I just get yeah dad didn't even make so much as one post no in fact this is how I found out

didn't care didn't even have the passion to make a comment about it on Facebook? No, there was no divorce case. It was basically they stood at either side of the room and they both started shouting my name and whoever I ran to first got custody.

You just started barking. I went to Michael Corder instead. Why are your lollies lie? I don't think... I think I've always been very good online I've never aired my grievances online yeah

do you ever find a time hop from like 2007 2008 oh when I was a bit younger oh I was such a muggle I was commenting about fucking

Britain's Got Talent when I was 19 I was like oh Jesus it may not barely like really passive aggressive were you spelled correctly

sometimes I'd use a U instead of Y-O-U of course you did like a number instead of like two oh gross yeah I bet you typed Y-I

and stuff like that as well you went proper I just bashed my head off the keyboard but I haven't rehabilitated a chav though I could have been a chav alright I think you were a chav though I could have been a Chav I think you were a Chav

Huh? I think you were a Chav The amount of fight stories you have Yeah I did like I had a nice upbringing though I shouldn't really It would have been Chav

Through rebellion Or anything else I don't think No You didn't grow up in a fucking Is it in a state? It comes to a state yeah But it was alright A little bit of agro But you didn't grow up in a fucking... Is it an estate? It's a council estate, yeah. But it was alright.

It was a little bit of agro, but I didn't need to go and fall fucking street hostile. Punching cards like the bonus level of Street Fighter. There's an actual video of someone doing that. Yeah? Kicking the cart. Who wins? He did. Oh, did he? Nice. The car didn't post the video, did it? History. Kicking the cart. Who wins? He did. Oh, did he?

Nice. The car didn't post the video, did it? History's written by the winners. Good one. Some classic muggins right there.

No, I'm laughing at your jokes getting high off your own supply. If you know what I mean. Right. This one's from someone. Oh, no, this is from a big shout-out to someone out there. off your own supply if you know what I mean right this one's from someone

oh no this is from big shout out to someone out there this one is what's the who oh Joanna Knuckley

this is from someone from Muggles Corner hi Joanna hi hi Joanna Muggles Tag Joanna I'm saying hi

and I guarantee you've just waved at the radio radio back in the day this is good out of the way I just met the costar I think she's like driving and I guarantee you've just waved at the radio radio radio back in the day this is going out of the woods isn't it

I just hit the car stereo I think she's like driving and I said hi Joanna and she went hi Kai

and waved at the radio so just have yourself 30 seconds in the muggle corner for waving at the radio alright

park the car first we don't mean drive there she says muggles and the ones they tag you

in those things on Facebook which ones are like these 20 people are bad influencers oh I saw source tweeted this.

That is so dead on the button. Oh. Like, it's always those ones where it's like, if you type in at C, whoever does this has to buy you a KFC, lol, lol, lol. Or the tag a friend and then don't explain anything and then just a video to a shit thing.

It's all just... But them lists of names of like these are the top 10 names of people who don't give a fuck yeah it's like oh I don't

I don't call yeah oh my god this is so true to be fair we are both we're both in my corner for this

because you see that and you're like oh look that's me that is me no no we're not we do it ironically

but that still counts attacking each other you got lawyered on that the other day as well I didn't know she listened to the podcast I didn't know she was one of the seven that listened to the podcast the odds were good for me I think all of those things

and I'm definitely in my go corner do you feel anything when you see your own name on one of the lists these are people who like gin Daniel I mean I don't believe in this but guilty Do you feel anything when you see your own name on one of the lists? These are people who like gin. Daniel. I mean, I don't believe in this, but guilty. I mean, coincidence.

I tell you what, I don't believe this is real, but you have seen right through me. It's the rise of the machines. This is, they are becoming self-aware. Well, they're becoming self-aware but me. Yeah, join up. Bob on, Bob on.

We always tag each other in sister ones. Yeah. And, he has a sister without a make-up and then it's a picture of a monkey.

Do that, isn't it? Yeah, we tag this in that one. It's a little orangutan, a little ginger. Ginger orangutan. Ginger orangutan. Which is what little ginger ginger orangutan which is what

they call rangas this is what they call gingers in Australia it sounds way more derogatory

than any other like it does a lot of the things like a lot of the things Aussies say

do sound derogatory and then also a lot of the things they say are derogatory they do mean it yeah

some of them do none of our listeners except Cody massive racist he's still a rangy erotica. They do mean it. Yeah, some of them do. None of our listeners, except Cody. Massive racist. He's doing a movie. He's doing a movie. He's a writer for football, I would have thunk. How did they cast that? What a miscast. I got a part in a movie.

Is it something to do with sports? How do you guess? He's a regular old Sam Rockwell or Cody. to do with sports. That little spilk. How'd you get it? I'm a fucking unit. He's a regular old Sam Rockwell or Cody. He can play any part. He's a chameleon. Oh man, his range.

Stand up chameleon. Sorry. It's okay. Sorry for the shit gag. Right, what's your next one? I'm just still in the middle of apologising. My next one is...

This is from Greig Anderson. They say Greig when it's... That's a Scottish name, isn't it? Is that Greig? Greig, aye. Greig. Greig. When you sort of call your friend Greigreig,

is that Greig? No, his name is Greig and we just call him Greigreig. Cutie. Oh, Greigreig. friend Greg Ray is that Greg no his name is Graham we just call him Greg cutesy so Greg Anderson says people who wait outside the

shops for them to open not queuing for a game to come out or something just like up early people did that

at the leisure centre right you know when I worked there people were queuing for the early people doesn't sound

very leisurely to me no sounds like you're living the life of the fast lane and you've got armbands on

at the fast lane that's not for you so these mad cunts would fucking queue up like muggles outside the sports and I'm taking the pool covers off

and they're like fucking staring at us through the window it's because they want to get the you know how like there's fresh snow there's nothing like

being the first one to step in it they want that with the pool but they don't know how water works they would you know how like there's fresh snow there's nothing like being the first one to step in it they want that with the pool but they don't know how water works they would you know they'd be fucking delighted if the comfort

would get changed real quick and they'd be like oh first one in oh man I was probably like that when I was younger like I was always the fastest to get changed

oh but there's pensioners mainly as well because they're normally retired when they're coming so sometimes you get people Coming in before work Or just mad keen

But half the time These folk have like Walked the dog already They've washed the car Mowed the lawn They've already done something And then they're in At six

Seven o'clock So I'm in at six thirty Opening But they're in at seven They're queuing sometimes From like six thirty And then I always think like

That's not healthy That like That's I reckon I mean it literally It literally is healthy that's not healthy that like that's I reckon I mean it literally it literally is healthy it's not healthy like

I mean it's literally terrorists get up at 6.30 in the morning terrorists only because of the time difference nobody nobody gets up at like fucking 1pm

has a stretch and went I'm going to terrorise the country like nah they're getting up early they're plotting they're scheming so you reckon gotta watch out for these people queuing to take the shops

for them to open so you the So you reckon... I've got to watch out for these people queuing to take the shops for them to open. So you... The terrorists? You reckon... All... So you... Hold on. I'm trying to see if I can get a shape on.

Just go on. Go on, just do what I did before with the Scandinavia scandal. Nah, I heard how that went down. Is there music playing somewhere? No. Oh. I don't think so, anyway.

Is that singing in my head? Because it is beautiful. Is that high? No, I honestly thought I heard a little... I'm deaf, though, so I don't know if I've mentioned it. I think I'm trying to get a sponsorship off deaf. Oh, really? No, there definitely is music.

Yeah, that was someone getting a text or something. All right, I'll do... So what was that one again? Queuing outside, waiting for places to open. I've never done it, I don't think, apart from for computer games, because I'm a legend. But that's already been in the corner. I think that's all right, if you're just waiting for a release,

but if you're queuing for something, that's... I think, though, old people, they do sleep less. That is something... Andrew Maxwell is always like... He gets up quite early in the morning, and he's like... He's not even old. Did you beg him? No, he's not even old.

He's like, you get to an age where you just wake up early and you need a piss. I'm begging Maxwell. I absolutely did not. His son listens to this as well, Flindertown does. He's like, you old bitch.

That's what you said. He's like, I'm an old cunt getting out of bed carrying a fucking holey splatter. That's what you said. Grandad Maxwell. Yeah, Maxwell, he's got a bad back dick.

Grandrew Maxwell. That's what you said Grandad Maxwell Yeah Maxwell He's got a bad back Grand Drew Maxwell Sorry Flynn Maxwell I was more like

Maxwell getting a home Is that you done with your One Queuing Yeah thanks Greg Is that in I think it's in I've not seen it

But it sounds in Muggles Like fruit and nut chocolate. What? Get out of here. It's just one of the worst. It's like a bounty. You don't like anything. Do you like anything you put in your mouth?

I love the galaxy. I love a ripple. Who doesn't love a ripple? Do you like nuts? I don't know. Chocolate nuts on the tits? Do you like raisins? Do you like chocolate raisins and chocolate nuts? Oh, sounds like it's all right. Fucking chocolate nuts on the tits. Do you like raisins? Chocolate raisins on the tits? Do you like chocolate raisins and chocolate nuts? Oh, sounds like it's late. Mate, I just feel like all the different things they put in chocolate bar,

it is the worst of them. Apart from caramel. I don't like caramel. What are you fucking swinging for the fences? Yeah, you don't like caramel. I'm not a fan. You're just fucking coming down and putting confectionery in a muggle corner just because you're a bit out of love.

No, no, no, I'm not putting that one in. A twisted mouth doesn't make sweet stuff. I'm not putting caramel in. With caramel, I'm going to admit, and I'm wrong. I'm a bigger man. I'll admit. I don't like chocolate. No, but just fruit and nut.

You don't like whipped cream? I don't like whipped cream. It's joy. It's not joy. Whipped cream is just like one of life's joys. No, it's like the banana. It comes with a little bit of guilt. It's one of your sins.

It's like the bananas of sauce. It's just they don't have as much flavour. It always looks more delicious than it ever is. So you don't like fruit and nut bars. You don't like whipped bananas of sauce. It's just they don't have as much flavour. It always looks more delicious than it ever is. So you don't like fruit in a bar, so you don't like whipped cream? No. I don't like mint on a lamb. That can fuck off. It's not a muggle corner, but...

Mint is for toothpaste. I think you can't put fucking... You can't put fruit in a corner? You can't put anything today with food in a muggle corner. Absolutely can't. Your mouth's broken. No. Your mouth's running on fucking...

I'll fucking break your mouth mouth you don't stop talking shit fucking joy yeah your mouth's probably like it's got a prescription for me truth

if you could get glasses for your tongue you'd fucking you'd have job class I do wish I do wish I wasn't such a fucking picky eater but I'm not

like fritting that it's just yeah you just need to wise up is it in your top five fucking conventionary things that you fritting that fuck I reckon it's down I reckon it's just... Yeah, you just need to wise up. Is it in your top five fucking conventionary things in front of that? Fuck. I reckon it's down...

I reckon it's low to the bottom. If that was in front of me now, I wouldn't even take off the rabbit. Down the hatch. Swig of water. Down with a swig of water. Take it like a pill. No, I just, like, every time I'm in there... You know, it's like...

It's like that old joke of, like of like you know you'd bite into a cookie and it's raisins instead of chocolate like i feel that way about i don't mind raisins like i don't mind raisins either but it is just it's just the shittest of the options sweets anyway aren't they just like little sweets from nature that's the oldest thing you've ever said you sound like it's like when muggles like muggles will talk about steak four days after they had the steak. They'll be like, oh, tell you what, the other day I had this steak. Honestly, melt in your mouth.

The knife went straight through it. Honestly, I like mine a bit rougher than the rest, but honestly, just off the bone. Don't pay a felony. It's nicest off the bone. So there is muggle stuff that can be via food. That's a perfect example there that's

I'm just but it's like you're approaching the food not the actual content of it no no okay like you kind of like put a food item okay okay okay

once they like that I'm like okay it's their favourite then it's Bombay Mix that's for muggles alright okay okay I'll rephrase it

the fruit and nut is their favourite chocolate bar it's their favourite like if they had a choice of a nature I think it could be nah I think you could have

a soft bar for it I get ours nowadays I do like all these other treats like Mosbos and that but it's fruit in that I've got a soft bar

for you old boy give me a mumma mumma mumma you know it could be would you know would you say it was the worst chocolate bar then

I don't know honestly this is honestly the most controversial thing we've ever done on this podcast people are going to be fucking screaming right now

let's just cover this about Bombay Mix as well I just want to put in a disclaimer I don't mind Bombay Mix I don't think

there's anything wrong with it but when someone buys it and puts it down I'm like I've had things I've ate Bombay Mix because these muggles have put it in front of us but never have've had eight Bombay Mix

because these muggles have put it in front of us, but never have I went, mate, Bombay Mix. Has there been like, was there a... Cost code? Was there a hurricane warning and everyone else had like rinsed all the shelves?

You got stuck in traffic and Bombay Mix was the only thing that no one had picked. What even is it? I don't even know what it is. Sometimes you've got like a hard bit. It's like licorice all sorts. No, get like a hard bit. It's like licorice of all sorts. No, licorice of all sorts.

You just like... There's like a handful of things that if you could put food in Muggle Corner, you'd definitely pick them ahead of Food and Nut. Imagine. Food and Nut's just made its own business.

It gets good grades. If it turns up late. It's a solid fucking student. Aye, but that's muggly innit it's just so basic it's just so basic there's just nothing you get fruit

and everything else you can like you can snap it off into squares you can just like get through it like it's a chocolate bar eat it like a beaver

hold it with a fist put it in your mouth then punch the back of your own head you can melt it into a bowl and then go panning for nuts

see all kinds of fun for head. You can melt it into a bowl and then go panning for nuts. See, all kinds of fun for the family. You can give it to the dog and watch it laughing. Like Wade. See, all kinds of stuff. Can I handle his chocolate? I'll give you a little chocolate. Rub its face in it. Look what you've done.

Don't abuse your dogs, though. Don't give them chocolate. I just fucking... I bet you that little bit just sent loads of podcast listeners proper squirming. Oh, don't do that to the imaginary dog. Don't even have a dog.

What are you defending for? All right, so you're saying... I just think it's just such a basic chocolate. It's like bounty. It's like this. Oh, what's wrong with Boris? It's always the last one in the celebration box

to win it aye but at least it made the cut it's actually the worst team in the Champions League it's the fucking worst team in the world I bet that it need to like

that it need to be in there it's fucking CSK Moscow or something it's not a better option than Bounty you tell me you tell me you tell me it's the fool

no I wouldn't celebrate it's called celebrations it's got to be all, I wouldn't celebrate. It's called celebrations. It's got to be all the best ones. Top flight? No. What is top flight like? Is it? Fuck.

It's like, oh, Crystal Palace are shit, right? They are. I see your point. Elliot still just threw his foot against the wall. No, what I'm saying is like, Crystal Palace, like if they went down, you're saying a shit, right? But if they went down and played like a fucking lower league team,

like a pub team or something like that, they'd still get tanked. I totally agree with you. If you like Bounty, you can go to the corner based on the Crystal Palace loophole only because of the Crystal Palace loophole. Bounty's actually quite nice,

but he just went on a technicality. One on point. Unlike Crystal Palace. Did you have a fourth one? Crystal Palace is a shit name for a place. My palace is made of crystal. I'll keep my little ponies in it. They did have a Crystal Palace.

That is why it's called Oh let's go to Daimont Castle next No but they did have a It was an actual Crystal Palace Oh right Goose kisses There was

It was What year was it in? It was Castle Castle Grace It was called It was called The Crystal It was

Honestly I'll Google it Well do that after Oh well I'm definitely right There is absolutely The Crystal Palace. Honestly, I'll Google it. Well, do that after. Oh, well, I'm definitely right. There is absolutely a Crystal Palace. In Crystal Palace? No, not anymore, obviously. Because I've been.

Oh, it's not there anymore. Thieves and junkies? Do you have any actual Crystal Palace fans out there? We've got to explain. We don't have Crystal Palace. Elliot Steele supports Crystal Palace, and we hate Elliot Stee to explain. We don't hate Crystal Palace. Elliot Steele supports Crystal Palace and we hate Elliot Steele. So we're just marking your team.

Newcastle just twatted his cunt. Oh, so that was the fourth one. Muggles support Crystal Palace. Oh, that was me. There we are. Dad jokes. Your dad supports Crystal Palace. That's the first thing we'll follow.

What did you say about my dad? Oh man We're going to get some abuse on Twitter From people who can't spell Weirdly people with no electricity I'm about to get a death threat From a 13 year old girl Elliot

Oh right Your dad We've got more muggles haven't we? No we don't I just did three Elliot oh right your dad we've got more muggles haven't we no we don't I just did three I did but I've got fucking millions you've done three

but I didn't yeah you did oh no you didn't no I didn't what's your last one then I've got a choice between two let's do this one people will pretend

that you're talking to them when you're clearly talking to the dog or the child you know like if you go oh he's a good boy and then they go

hi mate I'm a good boy and I'm guilty of this like oh man I'm straight I'm straight in the corner I'm like yes pick up like a dog when it happens

man I'm absolutely good we're just going to change your nap you aren't and then hold on go on then and I'm like go on then

put my legs in the air lying on the floor with my legs up go on then shitting yourself you take it too far oh I'm absolutely in the corner for that

and then they go I'm just going to mash this women pill up in the dog food and then I just run in

and start eating it open their legs start opening their legs that's a good one that's a cream it's like whenever's a good one that's a cream it's like whenever they whenever they bring out the whole turkey

I'm guilty of this you go and what's everyone else having cheesecake comes out what I did that the other day when we bought six splits it's that one when you

you get a slice of cheesecake and you cut a small bit and then you go to take the rest of the pie and you're like what am I like that's a good one. It's harmless Muggle banner. That's the thing, I'm glad

you brought this up because this is one I can't remember if I told this on the podcast but to big shout out to my little brother Jack for making my life so very very hard. And giving us an in joke that we've peddled for three, four weeks now. Oh man, so one of the Muggle corners is

that we've done before Nice weather For ducks, and it's one I'm totally guilty of I think it's the lamest joke in the world If it's raining you go, it's nice weather And then you just do a really long drum roll Two dry swallows Yeah

So we've done that, we did that on the podcast Ages ago, and there was my cousin's Wedding My younger cousin was walking past and I went, Ailey, nice shoes and then just from a bush, I didn't know Jack was there, but from a bush behind all I heard was for ducks, and I

fucking lost my shit and ever since then our private joke has just been whenever anyone says anything just, for ducks oh this is good weed for ducks I'm going to try and wake up at 7

in the morning for ducks this is such a good podcast for ducks alright so go into a corner with a lot of you alright

quack quack the thing was when someone's like talking to a baby or talking to a dog and you just pretend that it was aimed at them

yeah whenever they're talking to their partner they're like a dog and you just pretend that it was aimed at them. Yeah, whenever they're talking to their partner, they're like, I love you. Oh, I love you too. Yeah. I'm absolutely

in the corner for this. Yeah. Right. Yeah, I am too. So we're going to stick at each other's dads and then do dad jokes. All right.

Wait, I wrote these when I was really high. All right. Now I'm going to read them out really high it's weird how those things work out your dad smells colours sees sounds, hears tastes and shits blood

your dad bites at the hose when I turn it on him when he tries to hump my leg then passes by barking at them your dad once stood on a landmine Then passes by. Barking at them. Your dad once stood on a landmine and he's still there crying. Hope it helps. Your dad's got a Thatcher Thatcher dream catcher.

Your dad tried to make a snowman in the summer with water. Your dad plays the legs in a magician's song, A Woman in Half Routine. Your dad quits really easily. Your dad has a list of three people he can cheat on Linda with. Natalie, me, and the Pixar lamp. Your dad achieved his dream of being a stay-at-home dad. Your dad got lightning tattooed on his hips

because he thinks it'll make him go faster. His hips don't lie. Your dad went into Footlocker dressed as the referee from Gladiators and everyone thought he worked there. Your dad laughs like a Vuvuzela. Your dad pays a monthly subscription to Shit Dad magazine and he's on the front cover of every issue.

He prints himself. He delivers it. Throws it up in the air and then catches it in the mouth and drops it in his own slippers and gives himself a biscuit your dad tragically died when he tried to get the cheese off the mousetrap your dad gets scared

on his paper around you in the winter months when it's dark I've thrown out shit dad magazine as well putting free copies inside the paper pretending it's a free pull out for daily mail it makes his bag so fucking heavy that he has to go back and pick up the rest of the papers your dad's got a tooth

that's actually a tic tac so that if he ever gets captured by the enemy he can have fresh bread. Your dad plays snap with the cards face down on his own and he still can't find a pair. Your dad flexes while doing doggy

style with your mum. Probably just giving her all that in the mirror. Just fucking... I bet he has done. Surely everyone's done that at some point. I've never done that. You know, it's that little thing in the mirror. I've never done that.

Just fucking have a little flex. Lean back a bit. Look at me. Look at me fucking going in. I've never done that in my life what you look at mirrors in your room

just a silhouette like a soft word alright what's your next one have I not finished no I think I have hit break day

oh now I have I've got one more I'll just skip one your dad's out of office auto reply says yes please Nigerian prince I'd happily allow you to transfer money into my bank account and then leaves his details I've got one more. I'll just skip one. Your dad's out-of-office auto-reply says, yes, please, Nigerian prince,

I'd happily allow you to transfer money into my bank account and then leaves his details. Your dad doesn't believe in the moon. Really? It's ridiculous. He'll be like,

okay, what's that? He's like, don't see anything. How does he think it is? Refuses to look. No. We'll end on that one. Shouldn't have.

I'm hungry. Shall we go out for snacks no I'm too high we've got another spliff as well that's for the morning we can't take it with us

it's for the morning let's have it now we've still got some left on this one we're done I'm done well I mean no I mean

obviously I mean I think you've just witnessed Danny Tappan no no no no we've got to plug the shows okay hi we're going Oslo now so we're going to Just witness Danny tapping out. No, no, no, no, no. We've got to plug the shows.

Okay, hi. We're going Oslo now. So we're going to... Oh, yeah. So when this comes out, we'll be in Oslo, Atlanta, in Sweden on... Fucking love that gig too.

...Friday. I love hanging out with Rune. No way. And then we're going to hang out with Rickard in Sweden and play shuffleboard. I love shuffleboard. And then Reykjavik

and then Homsterdom and then Ghent and Antwerp next week. And every night we'll be at your mum's house. So the next one is going to be from Amsterdam. Yep, it's the big one. And you think we're high now. Aye, but we'll have Vary to keep us in line. Fuck us.