Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.12 Comeback from the Comedown (Broken)

Episode Date: November 6, 2017

We had to skip a podcast last Thursday because we were well and truly broken by Amsterdam and unfortunately our comeback podcast from our comedown is also broken. We lost a mic half way through and have had to crank up the volume to capture both of us from one mic. It might be too tough to listen to, you might be able to battle through it. We had a lot of fun recording this one so we hope you can somehow enjoy it. This is the podcast where we find out just how hardcore you really are. Let us know on twitter if you survive til the end. @kaihumphries @daniel_sloss

Podcast listeners, we don't normally do this but I've got a little intro before the intro because we fucked up the recording of this podcast. Halfway through we managed to turn off one of the microphones, I don't know how it happened but it happened. So we've only got one microphone from halfway onwards where I'm going to be very loud, Daniel's going to be very quiet. So I've had to fuck with the levels to make sure that he's getting picked up through my mic in the second half. So that's probably going to make the volume quality a little bit, I mean the sound quality a little bit fucked at the beginning.

And then from halfway it's going to be very fucked. If you can get anything out of it, then good. If you can't, then we'll just move on and we'll work it out for the next one. I hope you can get something out of this podcast. We did enjoy it, so I hope you can somehow. Anyway, here's the intro. inside your head that makes you laugh? Woohoo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles.

Accidental rip job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this? Why is this happening? You gonna love it? We're gonna get sued for copyright. You gonna love it? Niggas in cream. Oh god, I'm so embarrassed.

Mug and Zen. All right, that one did really. Mug and Zen. And you didn't love it. knew you'd love it I didn't love it You did I didn't You couldn't help your reactions

I laughed at one of the ones But it was 30 seconds of shouts surrounding that Are you I thought it was fucking I was pitching cream by Are you enjoying your half a glass of red wine Yeah what the fuck is this bullshit So

What are you going to do Look at this I'm bleeding Hold on we'll get on to all this Right so we are currently in Vilnius in Lithuania. We'll come back to the podcast after a couple of drinks. We decided to get a glass of wine each for the podcast. We've already been quite many so far. Why not get a bit more many?

These fucking... This is half a glass of wine. It's half. Half a glass. But we're in Lithuania, so it probably costs like six pence. We could have went, hey... No, but that's not the point.

I don't get it. It's not about the price. I could have went, hey. No, but that's not the point. It's not about the price. I'm just like, if you're going to fill a glass, fill a fucking glass. You know how Americans, whenever they overpour drinks and they say, oh, you Brits with your fucking measurements, it's like, yeah, that's why Brits can now drink Americans. Why is Lithuania the half version? I think I know the answer. Has anyone told them that World War II is over

and we're no longer rationing? No, I mean, that's a great assumption, but I think the reason that they're rationing my drinks is because we're in a hotel in Lithuania with mighty large bathtubs and we're going to wake up in there with ice in the bath with scars, stitches where our organs

were. We're going to end up getting organ harvested because we're in Lithuania and that's what Lithuanians do. How dare you? I love Lithuania. Yeah, I, but you're going to get up getting organ harvested, because we're in Lithuania, and that's what Lithuanians do. How dare you? I love Lithuania. Yeah, I, but you're going to get harvested at some point. What, gee, that's just on the tourist notice board? I mean, it's just par for the course, isn't it? Why else did you come to Lithuania?

Well, if you didn't want to get harvested. So, look, when you went to Lithuania, what were you wearing? Croft top. Had me belly on show. Of course course they're going to take an organ out of it and so they're probably like there's probably people got their eye on where they're going to harvest organs so they're going to the staff at the hotel don't give them too much to drink because we've got to give the organ to someone we don't want them being munted i just feel like you're being unnecessarily harsh on lithuania but one of them did run us over while I was in it. Yeah, that is true.

So on the way to the podcast from the pub that we definitely weren't drinking. The podcast from the pub. Hi. You got run over by a car. That I was in? Oh, no, no. Not only that. I was in.

You got run over by a taxi. I was in. Now, I know a lot of you, upon hearing that sentence, assumed that I, Daniel Sloss, hired a car. That's true. Played by Dave Johnson. I, Daniel Sloss. A lot of you are assuming that I paid the car to run over Kai. Surprisingly not true.

Like, if you guess that... You give him money, he ran me over. No, Paulius gave it. I didn't give him any money. Paulius paid us to run us over off your tour costs oh it's diverted the fucking no no it's just come out of your pocket I

just want you to know that your pain is in the budget I'm bleeding but in your thumb like look if you get run over by a car and you're complaining it's your thumbs bleeding yeah but my heels hurting you've

rather took my shoe off? So you were trying to get into the car. They didn't realise you were getting into the car. You were trying to get in. I was getting into the car and trying. You were getting into the car. I've tried a million times in the past. I've mastered it. I'm good at it.

It's one of my skills. You were trying to get into the car. No, no, no. I can't say trying to get into the car because you didn't get into the car. You were literally trying to get into the taxi. And he obviously pulled away because of the four people in the car because you didn't get into the car you were literally trying to get into the taxi and he obviously pulled away because of the

four people in the car taxi driver Paulius Paulius' fiance and I Daniel Sloss played by Dave Pons you did not look

like you belonged in the car like it's fair for the taxi driver to assume that when you try to get into the taxi

that you're trying to rob it or your home well he needs to look in the fucking mirror because then he'd see us. So, I claimed it in the car with left foot in.

No. Fucking hokey-cokey rules. No. Left, right leg out. Knee bend, knee bend. Car, car, car. So, bag off my shoulders. Left foot in.

This is how I usually get into a car. I'm just busy ducking my hips so I can sit down ducking your hips aye because you didn't fucking claim it in the standing position

no but you duck you don't duck you duck your head watch my hips right don't lie foot in the car aye duck your hips

slide in yes I duck my hips the rest of me ducks with it you can say duck your head if you want but fuck try and duck your head without your hips Do you duck your dick into Natalie's pussy?

Do you duck it in? Like when you're going under If you're doing doggy style Do you literally duck your dick? Duck duck goose You duck duck her moose toe Moose toe? It's like a double toe

But way larger and browner Maple leaf double No Because that's kind of that Moose is kind of that Don't bring that joke into the podcast but way larger and browner. Maple Leaf Double. No. Because that's kind of that. Moose is kind of that. Don't bring that joke into the podcast. Pause that thought.

We'll talk about Double in a minute. Right. I took my hips. Did I lie? Answer me. Did my hips lie? See, I call you hips. Don't lie.

Wait, I'll just assume you said it. Why would you assume when I clearly did? Yeah, you turned your make-off. You mouthed the words. Kai hips. Don't lie. You pat us on the hips. You shushed them.

Shh. Kai's telling the story. Stop dropping truth bombs in the middle of Kai's story, Kai's hips. Right. Let's go back to the point at hand. Let's as if it's not you. Right, you're already in the car. Aye. Right, Paulius and Christina? Aye. Right, in the car.

I step left front of the car, hips dip, slide in. Hips dips, dog shit. Right, slide in me little fucking me little bonk-a-donk into the car. In the car, just started pulling away. Hold on, fucking left leg John McLe little donka donka into the car. And the car just started pulling away. Hang on, fucking left leg John McLean still fucking hanging out with the car like die hard. I'm sorry, do you know?

John McLean, yippee-ki-ki-bosh. Yippee-ki-bosh, motherfucker. I hate this podcast already. So I'm sliding into the car, car's pulling away. Fucking left hip is, I mean, my left hip's in, my right hip's out. Shake it all about in the car right as I'm trying to pull

me fucking me right leg that's dragging along into the car me fucking shoe went under the wheel right bit of me heel as well

I'm gonna be honest it scratched me heel you cannot talk about a car crash with the words my thumb is bleeding and I scratched my heel that's not a car accident.

You fell over near a car. If your only injury is to the smallest fucking outy bits on either your feet or your hands, it's not a car accident. Only because I got out of the way. Bitch, like you cannot I said bitch.

You cannot be like oh guys, can you sign my cast? I got one on my thumb and one on my heel. Your hair is out, everyone at home. Sliding in,

Kansas City Shuffle into the taxi, the same as everyone. Right, I'm about to pull my right foot in and all of a sudden, my right boot,

let's call it a trainer, gets, you want to get technical, gets run over, so I can't pull my leg up because it's in the trainer that's busy under the wheel. It's busy being trapped. I try to pull it up, but oh no, the earth pulls me towards it instead of it towards me. And I get pulled out of the taxi by my shoe that's trapped under the wheel.

The car carries on going as I get pulled out of the car, fall on my thumb because I used that to break my fall. I mean, this is... Could have been my skull. Could it? And I lay, I lay on the floor, one shoe on,

one shoe off, thumb bleeding. Like, oh, I'm glad I'm alright. Put my shoe on, got in the car and went, that was close. And you all,

you all there, like, oh, Kai, you alright, mate? Oh, mate, I was... Oh, Kai, honestly, if that was me, I'd be dead. That's what you said, like, oh my all they're like oh kai all right mate oh mate i was honestly that was me i'd be dead that's what you said like oh my god i'm glad that was you not me a resilient beast right here's here's my version of what happened right me pauli as a christina realized that we were about to enter into a taxi kai thought we were playing a game of advanced twister. Right? So we all get into the vehicle required for moving.

Kai goes, what's this? Left leg car. Right foot road. Car double. Stop it. You fall into the car. Literally, both me and Christina are both on our phones looking at dank memes. Dank memes.

All we hear is you going We both turn over You got me to shut the car by gravity Mate, the car went at least Oh sorry, at most Two miles an hour Aye, but he had it in fifth gear 100,000 revs It's only because I was holding it back

No, no, no If anything, you've proved my point If he was in fifth gear From stationary Going at 1,000 revs He's going a mile an hour max No, no, because. If anything, you've proved my point. If he was in fifth gear from stationary going at 1,000 revs, he's going a mile an hour max. No, no, because he went through the gears. No, he didn't.

He was wheel spinning on me foot. He's like, why aren't I moving? I'm just there going, stop wheel spinning on me foot. Sorry, I'm such a fat cunt. He had to go jump on from Blythe, like that would hurt anyone else. Mad cunt. Wacky racer. You can't call them that Wacky wacky racer

So I've got I've got a bloody Bloody thumb My heel's It's not it's best But you know what I'm still here Live, laugh, love

But mostly live You can't love Without living So we should apologise To the podcast listeners Not only for that barbaric introduction that you just dragged us through. Oh, come on. I dropped some

fucking mad 112 peaches and cream, followed by the scariest John McLean yippee-ki-yay-bosh motherfucker story. For those... When are you going to turn up? For those playing along at home, yes, he's drunk. I feel like this is the opposite of the Matty podcast.

What? In that you're drunk and Matty's not here. Oh, yeah, because you were fucking munted on that podcast. Oh, I was absolutely munted. So we should apologize for not doing a podcast on Monday. Yeah, well... Wait yeah wait not today's Monday on Thursday Thursday

Thursday yeah we hit under a stone we come back from Amsterdam I say back like we moved on to Belgium which gigs were great in Belgium Belgium was fucking phenomenal

but I feel like we need to apologize to the people that hung around with us for our company for those two days we were not in a good place so basically we got to Amsterdam as you all know

we had some lovely lovely gigs in Amsterdam we'd done a drunk podcast mid-session we'd done a yeah just before the gig

so we were pretty fucking high pretty fucking drunk the gig was great and then uploaded it and then we had the so what happened was we went out that night with everyone that was on the podcast

Ryan Callen, Barry Castanola and Rich Massara we got absolutely shit faced got to the point when it was about... It was noon the next day. It was noon the next day and you, me and Barry were just getting into bed. We were like, right, we can get...

Even if we get eight hours sleep, we'll wake up at eight. And then a duck turned up. And then a duck turned up. Now, obviously, from the podcast, you know that one of the ongoing jokes is just saying, for ducks, after anything, because good weather for ducks after anything because good weather for ducks you just say that

and then a duck turned up and then that duck duck mask dude in a duck mask walks into a flat right so we're on a third floor flat munted

48 hours into a session whatever 36 like a day and a half into a session and then and then a dude walks in

with a duck mask on and I'm lying in bed like still awake because I'm fucking tweaking and I'm lying in bed, like, still awake, because I'm fucking tweaking. And I'm looking at this duck, and I've kind of accounted for where everyone is. I know that Rich and Danny's there,

Ryan Cole's there, I'm right next to Barry. I'm lying in bed. There's a fucking dude an inch from me face wearing a duck mask. The fuck's happening here? And he whips the duck mask off. And it was another duck. And then he whipped that duck mask off, and it was another duck. And then he whipped that duck mask off. And it was a goose.

I was like, oh, duck, duck, goose. It was G-Tip. G-Tip, the rapper. Had turned up to surprises. So with his two duck masks and Kai there, that was duck, duck, da Ruth. Duck, duck, truth. He said da Ruth. So yeah, he was there. truth he said truth

so yeah he was there he got like such a reaction because I was like so confused by the duck I'm munted

I'm like contemplating sleep but not quite there yet and now I'm faced with a duck and now I'm faced with someone who's not meant to be

and I was like whoa a duck whoa G-tip and then he was like, oh, I could have gotten a better response if I'd done this. He started being all anxiety, didn't he?

He started being like, oh, I wanted to be where we'll walk past. And he went, oh, look, the guy's got a duck mask. Let's get a selfie. And then he got a selfie and I took it off. And I was like,

mate, I know I've got your fucking delusions of these fucking flash mobs that you've got going on, but that fucked us up more than anything could have fucked us up like the timing of it

the end of the session we literally just got into bed cigarette packets empty you know you're running with everything you're lying there starfished going fuck that session I thought it was never going to end

you're looking at Doug and then it turns out it doesn't and it doesn't end it doesn't end because we had to get straight back up then it's not like you're going you couldn't go

Oh Gareth you're here Night Night Yeah yeah yeah You just watch TV You just watch Netflix We'll just fucking get On the bed

We'll catch up So we went straight back out That night And got straight back on it And then we went back The other night And then the following night And yeah we were just

We didn't sleep We didn't sleep. Didn't sleep. Like, well, what of? Like, we were on the verge of carnage night. And then Gareth turned up. And Gareth turned up. And he's never been to Amsterdam before. Fresh legs.

He's never been to Amsterdam before. He's so excited. He's come out to surprise us. Imagine you go out somewhere to surprise someone, right? You put all this effort and all the planning he's done to come out and surprise us. Because even before... Don't ask 15 quid that. We were we were even before the trip we were like gareth please come to amsterdam he's like i can't we were devastated that he couldn't come i offered him my

gig yeah i offered to pay for his fucking flights i was like you could do the spot so if work's not giving you time off or if like you're getting a bit of static at home if you're like oh i'm getting i'm getting a paid spot to do a gig in Amsterdam it's like it's a comic that's coming through that's not a gig you can turn down so he's like

oh I can't so we like just fully accepted everything so he wasn't coming so for him to turn up surprised us for us to be like

oh we did so much to get you here night yeah night night so I was just like fuck I need to handle my shit here like

I probably sell the fucking Depths of Despair I mean we got on it again yeah and we're powered through the next night

and then we had to get up after that no no no hold on we've got to get on to the most important thing before you bring

in this joke at any other point in this fucking podcast as you always do yes Dobble so

there is a card game that is now sponsoring the podcast it's not but if. Yes, Dobble. So, there is a card game that is now sponsoring the podcast. It's not, but if you work for Dobble, we want some serious fucking money here, cunts. Yeah, I want some of that mad Dobble squiller. Dobble is a card game that we started playing when we were in Copenhagen.

Is Ryan Cullen called it? It's Snap for Intellect. It's exactly Snap for Intellect. It's exactly Snap for Intellect. Circle cards and on each card there are eight images. And when you turn the next one over, there's going to be one matching the previous card. There's about 15 different

images that it rotates between. So there's eight images on each card. One of them definitely matches. The other seven definitely don't. And you can play it between two and eight people. And you sit there, you turn the card over and you've already played on your own whoever says the matching uh image first wins the card and this game is phenomenal for several reasons one it's fun when you're drinking it's just a good like start of the night no chats happening get going and it's also great for the end of the sesh when nobody is capable of talking and the only thing you're capable of doing is remembering things

and shouting words like cat cat double so what happens is if you both say cat at the same time you both like eight images

you're all scanning them there's five of you there all scanning the same eight images right and then you'll see both say cat and then you both go cat and then after saying cat

you've got to go double first one to say double wins the card and if you say cat double and nobody else has said cat, it goes back in the pile. I mean, I feel like we're literally just explaining the rules. I would hate for this podcast to be each episode is us just describing the rules of a game. Let's just leave it at by the game, double. By the game, double, right?

So fucking, this is the thing. When you're on Ekkies, right, and you can't focus your mind, your eyes are wobbling and your sockets are at that, like, oh, fuck oh fuck i shouldn't have the second one no when you're at that phase of ecstasy right and you play a double it's such a just a it focuses your mind where you're like oh i'm in control of something yeah i've got it it's something to latch on to so you're there you're shouting out like fucking cat hammer make believe fucking ladybird double right you're playing this game and then all of a sudden, the game's over, and you have to count your cards, and you look up,

and you discover the room again, the people you're with again, your cards in your hand. And you find out that you're the fucking winner. I am fucking wrecked, son. Let's play another game of double. Speaking of important signs and images we got in Amsterdam, so on day two of the set, we're out there.

We find this lovely little bar just beside... This is where it goes here, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. So we're like, we're trying to muster energy from somewhere. No, but we've taken a lot... But we're out.

Yeah, we're out, we're drinking. We've mustered energy from somewhere. We've just decided to... Yeah, yeah. This is about... Probably about 12 at night. We're back out. We're drinking.

We found a nice place beside the sort of canal smoking a bunch of joints drinking a couple of pints and then a homeless man on a buggy on like a what turned out to be a bus cab

but we didn't know this at the time yeah yeah he's just a street performer I don't think he walked he was he was doing

he was freestyling he was freestyling just this guy on a like a mobility car mobility scooter yeah just we're all just sitting there we're all high as a fucking kite we smoked a lot of fucking wheat so we're all in very different head spaces and there's just been about two minutes of silence

and then just this guy on a mobility scooter just screeched up screeches up stops right in front of her table and just shouts the words Stop the wedding And then sped off And then drives away Right How am I going to explain this to Natalie I mean How am I going to get home and go

Disabled guy Mate No no no Mate mate mate This is the problem right Natalie Right Has no argument against this

Natalie She's superstitious She believes in star signs Right She believes in star signs She believes in Huh? She believes in star signs. She believes in me? That's not, like,

don't say horrible things about your fiancé on the podcast. That's real, that's slander and lies. Yeah, she believes in this sort of shit. So if you tell her

that some guy randomly at two in the morning just goes by, she'd be like, call the wedding off. Stop the wedding! Stop the wedding. She'd be like,

stop the wedding. I just took a hit and we split up again oh this is gonna take some explaining but he went on and bust some fucking crazy moves

like oh man he used to wheelies side wheelies two side wheelies like the right wheels like just

doing donuts just call it a side wheelie alright alright we've agreed on that that did happen at least twice in Amsterdam, which is like, as you well know,

see if anyone who, if I'm not in the mood for talking to someone, like if I'm talking to my friends or I'm in a situation where I'm in my own head, if someone talks to me, I'm furious. Like the other day in the taxi from Helsinki, I got in the taxi and the taxi driver started telling me about Helsinki.

You thought he was a tour guide? I've never been angry. You went full open-top bus? It was fucking six in the morning? It's six in the taxi and the taxi driver started telling me about Helsinki. You thought it was a tour guide? I've never been angry. You went full open type bus and it was fucking six in the morning? It's six in the morning. What, tired, starving? Don't fucking say a word to me.

Like, I'm not, I know you've been up and I know this is your job but this is, I'm not, don't, just don't talk to me for the love of fucking God.

And it's not because they're getting more like, it was a nice, it wasn't like a taxi, it was a driver. No, it was a driver. And he was a lovely bloke. It was a merc, you know? And we And he was a lovely bloke It was a merc

You know And we're sat in the back Of this merc And you're thinking like Surely you got the memo To knock off our people Yeah don't It's actually

There's a lot of money Being spent on this ride Don't say a fucking word to me They were like You don't claim the back with me All of the money I spent None of it was for conversation But this happened a lot

In Amsterdam We'd be sitting outside Fucking smoking a joint Or drinking a drink. And this guy came, this guy in the mobility square came up, started doing this thing. So we just thought it was weird.

We were high as balls. We were like, oh God, we're too high to handle this. Then he starts asking for money at the end. And the same thing happened when you, me and Colin and Rich were standing outside. Some guy just came up and was like, boys, you want to hear a rap? And we were like, no.

And then he started freestyling rapping. But he was great. He was great. But then both of them, at the end of doing the thing that we specifically requested they don't do, were like, so money. And it's like, you don't get to force busk, right?

But here's our busking worse. You do something. If anyone comes over and watches, that's when you're allowed to ask money. You don't get to just fucking walk into space and it's like i'm gonna do a thing i'm gonna do a thing you gotta pay money to fucking watch this i just yeah yeah i i that that was annoying but however the two people in those examples were fucking skillful i did enjoy them my rapper was very good and the because you know what it was with the rapper

he started off rapping and I was like alright I've seen like Ellis like freestyle like Tom Horton freestyle like we've got mates

that can just start like fucking going but he just kept going and going and it started getting faster and like it was just fucking

I was just like oh shit this guy's got actual talent I don't think he did have an actual talent I reckon no I reckon it's very easy to uh you make your first two verses about the people that you're

talking to and then the remaining core by a unheard rapper that's yeah no or something that you've just rehearsed yeah so he could have quite easily been doing something by like bone thugs in harmony that i hadn't heard no no it could have been stuff that he'd he'd written earlier like we were impressed because he was like it's freestyling I was like I don't doubt

that the first two verses were freestyling everything after that when you're just making fun of Amsterdam yeah you get something to ring with jacket

in the first verse and you're like you're in fucking Amsterdam and someone's gonna be wearing a jacket yeah jacket then you go pack it

wrap it whatever all the other famous rap lines so so when you come out with that we're kind of obliged to do a podcast

because we've been away for so long and we're like committed to doing two a month, two a week and we're just like we can't? we couldn't talk none of you would have wanted to have listened to the podcast that would have been created then, we were just angry

it's the only time I've ever seen you turn down a joint. Yeah, in Belgium, we got given a joint afterwards. Yeah, so in Ghent, as always, we've got some lovely people who bring us joints. Then we smoked a bit of that, laughed all the way home. But then in the one in Antwerp, this lovely couple gave us a joint. We had an early start the next day.

5.30 in the morning. And we don't get back until 1 yeah just tried to plough your way through it but we did we managed

but it was it was one of them where I was like it made me think about because you know with depression I've never had to

I've never had to live with depression I've never had to deal with it I've always been very lucky in that that's not been part of my life but when I had that come down off Amsterdam and I've been there before.

That ain't my first picnic. I mean, like, after Glastonbury, after Ibiza, any of these trips where we do heavy drugs and have to come down after. That's where I get a real empathy going. Maybe this is what depression is like. Maybe having this come down is what people with depression have to deal with on a regular basis. Like, all the time. But, like, I can deal with that depression with a safety net of knowing that it's a side effect of what i've been doing and that i'm going to come back up from it because i've been there before like if that's what people have to

deal with in their fucking day-to-day life man like yeah see i i i agree with you a lot they're like that may be really sad thinking about that like some people might have to deal with that as a regular day-to-day thing. Like, if how a calm down feels is how depression feels, like, I totally agree with you. If that's how it feels, like, fuck me, it must be the toughest thing. But also, in the same sense, just another part of me is like, or are we just being, like, twice as ignorant,

being like, we know what depression's like. We've had a calm down. Like, people with depression being like... Well, that's like, you've got no idea. You've got no idea. Like, maybe what we feel... Because, obviously, you've got no idea. You've got no idea. Like maybe, maybe what we feel... Because obviously neither of us have either... Neither of us have depression.

We've got no idea. Like maybe, maybe it's fucking worse than that. Maybe it's a thousand... Because the fact that, you know, we're still able to make jokes during those fucking times.

Still fucking, you know, get out and do a fucking gig. Like I know comics with depression that sometimes can't gig. Like surely the fact that we're able to get out and do something means that what we experienced is merely a fraction but it is the fact that we can get out i mean yeah you're probably right but if there's the

fact that we can get out and do something because we know it's we know it's fake we know that that isn't how we're not oh yeah the fact that we, oh, well, this is self-inflicted. Because if your fucking, if your serotonin deficit is self-inflicted, you can't just go, oh, I'm not going to do the gig. But if I had that come down, just sprung upon me in the middle of the week,

just I hadn't done shit and I felt like that. Oh my God, down tools. Yeah. Fuck me. Must be tough. But yeah, that was... My only concern is like, I just want to make sure

that anyone who has depression will listen to the podcast we're not comparing calm down I mean we might be but in fact you're the expert we're trying to understand this is me trying to understand the science of it is that I'm having a serotonin deficit

I'm having an endorphin depletion is that what depression is is depression like a having a serotonin deficit. I'm having an endorphin depletion. Is that what depression is? Is depression like a lack of serotonin or is it a bunch of others? I know so little about it. Yeah, me too. I mean, I'm getting more and more aware because of Facebook.

Oh, I'm very aware of the effects, but I'm very aware of how serious it is. We know many people with it and of different degrees, but I still don't necessarily understand the science of it. But the fact that we didn't do a podcast, that was us going, we can't. people with it and of different degrees but that i still don't necessarily understand the but the fact that we didn't do a podcast that was us going we can't like we physically can't bring ourselves

to fucking like do anything more than what obligation of a gig and i think we've done a real good job as well of like fucking pulling it together like i watched the videos and i was there for all of mine i was like i think we've done a gig to the best of our ability, which is a difficult thing to find out. If that gig had sucked after that, we'd probably refrain from... This is another thing I want to bring up, because there are points when I go on hungover or on a calm down. The second I ever felt it affect the show, I would.

But the thing I found found a lot is because you're doing the same show every single day. That's why comedians that don't drink I find, I'm like, how do you not? How do you mix your show up?

If you're not in a different state, I know the jokes. I know every single joke. I know the rhythm of it. You've done the hungover, you've done the drunk, you've done the know every single joke i know the rhythm but the way i make every performance fresh and the way like i make myself still interested in new routine routines is that i'll do a joke seven times in a row sober and i'll go great and then one day i'll have a joint before and then i'll find a whole new fucking routine and the next day i won't smoke a joint but now that my stone brain found this new branch my sober brain gets to explore the branch that my stone brain came up with

so every time I'm in a different effect jokes grow in different fucking ways and I really enjoy it like don't get me wrong there's some points when on stage you feel tired but what that adds to the performance sometimes is you know sometimes yeah there's people in the audience that feel tired they're connected a bit but sometimes you'll oversell a joke what that adds to the performance sometimes is, you know, sometimes...

Yeah, there's people in the audience that feel tired. They're connecting a bit. But sometimes you'll oversell a joke. Like, you'll be like, this is the punchline, and you'll be so used to just selling the punchline, you know, with, you know, big eyes and an open mouth and an open body. And sometimes when you're hungover,

you'll just deliver the punchline in a small way. A slumped kind of way. And it'll get a bigger laugh, and you're like, hold on, what the fuck is this? Like, I didn't know that that punchline worked a small way a slumped kind of way i'll get a bigger laugh and you're like hold on what the fuck is this like i didn't know that that punchline worked on two levels i didn't know sometimes i find that if i say certain sentences that aren't punchlines while hung over they get bigger laughs than whatever the fucking punchline was so that's why look the second drinking of and smoking weed affects my stand up like genuinely I'll stop that's when I retire from the

sesh the second I have a gig where I'm like I could have done much better had I been 100% sober I'll tell you where it affects me if I've been getting fucked the night before like say after Amsterdam the first few days the gigs are fine because you get this adrenaline boost

where your body like balances its own chemicals in a way where you walk on stage and people are cheering and there's lights on you and you kind of like get this boost under you

so you can ride it but off stage we always meet the audience afterwards I was holding conversations where I was just like I don't know if you can tell that I'm really trying

right now like because normally in conversation I'm really trying right now like because that normally in conversation I'm pretty just fluid like I'll just chat to people like it's not a thing but there was there was points in Belgium where I was having conversations after I'd been on where I was like I hope I don't look like I just want to die right now yeah it's not even it's not even that I hope I don't look like I want to I'm fine if I look like I want to die I hope I don't look like I want to die. I'm fine if I look like I want to die. I hope I don't look disinterested.

Yeah, exactly that. Somebody's talking to you and I'm just sitting there and I'm looking over their shoulder and it's just because I'm distracted. And I'm like, oh God, do you think I'm bored of this conversation? Because there's a lot you've got to deal with. It's a social overload, right? So you've got people that are chatting there

and they want to photo and that's like mentioning something about a routine you did that they've been thinking about or something they've been talking about so there's a lot of like um stuff you've got to stay engaged with so you don't want you don't want to turn into this fucking glassy eyed like yes yes let's yeah yeah and just sort of repeat i'd hate to be a person with fans yeah of course but you're also aware that this conversations went on for like four minutes now there's like 60 people waiting to see you and i don't want to spend four minutes on everyone

otherwise that'll take me into fucking three in the morning so you start like trying to engage with the next person and this is like

a skill we've developed that we can just spin them plates without offending anyone without anyone feeling uncomfortable

I hate the fact that my catchphrase has become like there's just a point in every conversation I was like should we do a photo because it always

makes me seem like such an arrogant person you're trying to move it on like no no no no i'm no no i don't mind if it comes across as me moving on because i know people understand that what i think is like if you're looking over it makes me look like the most arrogant person in the world because there's plenty of photo of me there's plenty of times that someone will be standing then i'll be like should we do a photo and they'll go no thanks and i'm like no you don't get to no, you don't get to, no. You don't get to make it look like I'm the one. I'll be like, oh, you're my favourite fan.

I saw you in the second row. Speaking of which, somebody tonight in Lithuania brought us photos of them from last year. I've got them in my pocket. Here they are. They went, yeah, I've got a gift for you. And they brought out the photos from 2014, 2015 and 2016

of us busting the same pose it was just always a fucking lovely thing two landscape, one portrait, someone fucked that up which one? attention listeners, it's Muggins I've had to put this little interlude this little recording that I've added

after the fact, to let you all know that at this point in the podcast Daniel somehow turned off his microphone so there's no Daniel for the second half of the podcast what I've tried to do is I've tried to turn up the volume and pick up what he said through my mic

it's going to be fucked it's going to be a lot of me shouting and him whispering we're going to put it on anyway see how it travels if it doesn't work I'm sorry you got half a gonna put it on anyway see how it travels if it doesn't work i'm sorry you got half a podcast if it does work we got away with it but it's one one like fuck i did my make-up for an entire podcast one time and we couldn't salvage it so i mean i can't complain but plot on see what you think i'm'm sorry. It's just the way it is.

Right. Here we go. So the point I was getting at was that when you're having them interactions afterwards, that's actually something you've got to be on top of and engage with, and we've always found it so natural. But for a couple of days after Amsterdam, that wasn't natural for me. It was a little bit forced. I was like, oh, yeah, want a photo? You want to talk about this? They're waiting for next. And none of it felt natural to me. It was like I had two left feet. Like I put my shoes on the wrong feet or something. I was just

like, this is like patting my head and rubbing my tummy. So the day when Madison Bell, do you remember when you received the big... A bit glassy eyed. Apologize. But the show was made, so... a bit glassy eyed yeah do you want to pause this and we're back with a double wine by the looks of it because that's a normal full glass so when they harvest our organs

they're going to get some drunk patients so we're in Lithuania right now I had one thing I just wanted to bring up now obviously one of the amazing things about going on the European leg of the tour I know we've known this for years and we should know it anyway

but it still impresses me when you go over and you meet people from these other countries that make this their second or third language how unbelievably fluent they are in these languages like not only do they understand everything you say, they get sarcasm, they get

hints, they get facial expressions. You don't have to say everything. I've had several points... Yeah, tone of voice. They get tone of voice. Tone of voice, sarcasm, turn of phrase, puns. They'll finish some of my sentences, I'll be struggling for words and then they'll bring up the English words.

It's so very impressive. And no more so than in Lithuania. So after the gig tonight we met we went out with Paulius who runs the gigs and his lovely fiancée Christina. He's also a very successful comedian as well, Paulius.

He like farts on Facebook and gets fucking likes for days. And then we went out for drinks with a couple of the fans and we talked to one of the fans and I think she spoke

German she spoke Dutch Lithuanian English and Spanish because we were showing her our tour book which is like every place we go to in Europe,

we've got a little tour book. Tells us what time to be in the lobby, what time sound check is. The name of the venue is, all the contact details. But the bottom's got a little thing with local phrases. And she's having a laugh at that. And these people are speaking fluent language. And then they start talking about sports. And you're so used to every single one of these persons speaking speaking fluent language and then they start talking about sports and you're so used to every single one of these

persons speaking such also yeah achoo means thank you achoo bless you thank you bless you yeah so if you say you go achoo they're like bless you and to say thank you you'd have to go achoo bless you achoo

people who starve to death in Lithuania because the second you say, bless you, you have to thank you. Paradox. So we get talking about football, we get talking about basketball, and then all the Lithuanians, and I mean all of them, we're at a table with five of them, and they're all fluent English speakers, they know everything.

But every single one of them joins in, one of them goes, I used to play volleyball in high school. And I go, and I don of them goes, I used to play volleyball in high school and I go and I don't say anything, I just listen up and she goes, yeah, yeah, no I used to play a bit of volleyball too and she goes, yeah, no, I was a point guard

when I was playing volleyball and I'm just sat there going, I'm 90% certain they're all saying volleyball they mean volleyball, but they're all saying volleyball now immediately I know what's happened right because you hear like

Eastern Europeans say vodka instead of vodka it's the B and the W it's a direct mistranslation from the letters that we've stolen over the fucking years

like it's fully explicable but when you're so used to these people like they're speaking such good English that you think they're English

and then they just start going volleyball it's the most adorable thing in the world. Yeah, they've almost got American accents. They're saying it with conviction. Because if this sounded Eastern European, then it would probably sound normal. But the fact that they sound like...

American. Yeah, they've got that OC accent, you know? So yeah, just me and my friends, we were playing Wallyball. Wallyball, it makes it sound... I was just trying to explain it to Billy while I was laughing so hard. so yeah just me and my friends we were playing volleyball I'm like volleyball? like it makes it sound like I was just trying to explain it to Billy while I was laughing so hard

he's like we struggle with things I'm like no no that's the point you don't struggle with things that's what's funny about it it's just the one thing you've struggled with you go what's volleyball?

yeah alright but where's volleyball? it was like a bunch of kids being like mommy can we have some biscetti

and meatballs it's the biscetti thing isn't it they started saying biscetti it's the exact thing because you're like they have got

better enunciation than I do for sure so to hear them say volleyball is hilarious oh just call me I've got a

fucking volleyball and it was like Because I'm being a dick Because they've learned Like how dare I How dare I laugh at them Mispronounce something In their fourth language

Right But you know what They said Wallyball It's a funny word It catches you off guard They were talking so fluently Like I reckon Cristiano Ronaldo Is pretty good for Real Madrid

He's one of the best strikers I explained to them Not Real Madrid he's one of the best strikers I used to play for not Real Madrid because then it would be pattern forming you know because they said Real Madrid

so they oh no because that's W and V yeah I'm just saying as if it was no yeah I fucked that up I fucked all your momentum

alright well let's just move on to workers now you know how I feel when I fill up the taxi oh no I know because you ruined the first 15 minutes of the podcast. I fucking made them. People were up and dancing at the beginning. Yeah, when they heard you got run over.

Cristiano Ronaldo playing volleyball for Real Madrid. Real Madrid. Yeah, that's what I was getting at. Yeah, because that's what I realised. They didn't drop the R, they dropped the V. Shut up. What are we doing now?

Yeah, okay. I've got a muggle from... It may not be both borrowed from Facebook. From Twitter. I'm going to go first in case you've got the same one. But, um... Oh, this is from two separate people because I've fortunately done the same one twice. People taking photos of fireworks.

Come from Donnie, Danny Branion. People taking photos of fireworks. People actually do that. People taking photos of fireworks. But I thought, because I've got another one that's coming up next from Nikki Gibson, but she just tweeted saying people take photos of fireworks. And I read that because I've got another one that's coming up next from Nikki Gibson, but she just tweeted saying people take photos of fireworks.

And I read that tweet like, all right, I get the point. Drill it home. But it's two separate people. So Danny and Nikki have both said people take photos of fireworks. So I, like, you know, if you're at a fireworks display,

you can guarantee there's going to be people holding their phones up, Snapchatting or whatever. Because that's taken all of the perspective out of it, all of the grandeur of it. Also, we've all seen... I will kind of...

You know, I won't allow it, but I understand why people Snapchat and Instagram. Like, it's... You want Instagram and Snapchat... A window into your life. It's a window into your life. I get it now. I understand it now.

It took me a while. A picture makes sense. Hey, you know, when I was in New York did I tell you when I was at the top of the Empire State Building somebody was taking a photo from the top of the

Empire State Building of the sky as if like they're going to show their relatives look how close I got you can see I'm almost touching. Taking a picture of this guy.

And somebody took a photo of them against the wall. Like, so you're up there at the estate building, right? You've got, that way is Central Park and fucking the Rockefeller building. And there's sights to be seen. The other side of the building is where would have been the World Trade Center,

Wall Street, like Liberty Island and stuff, right? Why would it happen? Religion. Yeah, religion happened. And then, so you can go to one side and take a picture

of what's outside the tower. But someone took a picture against the wall? Like, so not against the site, but against the wall of the building? Do you remember all those famous scenes and all those memories? How you met Sally? You met her right inside the wall with the Empire State Building on the inside. You know, it's sort of a lot of fun. Is that what happened?

No. No? Because that would make sense, you know, if you were like, oh, this is the wall where the kiss happened in that movie. I still think that's a level of... That's a level of Muggerly that I'll admit myself to. Going to locations... To hold the...

Platform 9 3 quarters. Oh, that's Muggerly. I'll leave myself in my corner I've been up doing my smoked apple bottom up doing one in New Zealand

just like the hobbit went excessively out of my way to go up there it's such a muggle thing don't get me wrong but this is

the thing with muggles it's hard listen it's nice you go somewhere that you recognise and you're like huh? now I'm doing the thing that the person

I like... It's the zebra crossing off the Beatles. See, that would make a little bit of sense if the wall had something to do with movies. That's why I fell for your fake lie. Your true lie. False truth. But the fact that they were like

up that high, all the sites around you and you just get new with a backdrop of bricks fuck off mate throw your camera over yeah I think we did go into the site saying a bit on the previous podcast because I was absolutely called out of my climbing up with the

Arthur's tweet what a banger so so with fireworks, I think the thing about fireworks is one Arthur's tweet remember I did that joke what a banger so so with fireworks I think the thing about fireworks is one the chances of you getting a good shot who's going to enjoy that photo so what you're going to do

let's be honest you're going to take a photo of this fucking firework that you're going to put onto Facebook where every other one of your fucking friends is also putting up photos it's literally crossing fireworks. The only reason I take photos of fireworks is to show people's dogs.

Just give them fucking Vietnam flashbacks. Yeah, that's what I do to deaf dogs. There's everyone's dog. They're like, it's deaf. I'm like, oh, I'll just show her pictures of fireworks when it comes to it. I'll have my dog scared. We'll tell her to stop being shit. Oh, I'll fucking count on the table next to Danny's dad. Honestly, wait, let's...

So before we cover dogs and fireworks, let's just tell people, look, don't take photos of fireworks, but do go on YouTube and look at fireworks backwards. Really good. And also drones going through fireworks. Enjoy some of that shit. Drones going through fireworks. So it's just like passing through the firework display.

Yeah, really good. So there is good shit to be seen on media, but not your fucking photo album, you daft cunt. There are brilliant photos of fireworks, but not from in the fucking council estate in Drumchapel. So fucking pipe down, Linda. Linda! Man, that is one thing I have loved so much. Like, don't get me wrong,

I am very aware that our very loyal fan base is loyal but small. There's only about 1,500 podcast listeners. I love every single one of you. One of my favourite... Somehow you turn up all around the world, though. You're scattered. It's not like there's an intense population density of podcast listeners.

You're literally scattered all over the globe. If we were to do a 200-seater gig in Edinburgh of Mucking the Cream, it wouldn't sell out because our 1, are scaring so much across the world. But the thing I love is in the most random fucking places, like we are in Helsinki, we were doing the gig, it was a fucking wonderful gig, and at least three times someone just went, Linda! Linda! Linda! It will never not make me laugh because we're like we're travelling

we're touring Linda is such like that joke is with all of our jokes I know we do this podcast all over the world but obviously

you're coming into our world and it's so funny for us to just this point we feel so far away from home

it's unreal and then just get one of what in joke shouted at me it's like somebody just coming up to you and giving you a cup of tea

just being like hey we're all family I know how you like it milking two milking two lindas but we're fairways we're people's dogs

fuck a dog just just stop having a shit dog can you not just Stop having a shit dog Can you not Just not have a shit dog But dogs do You cannot

Dogs do not Right Here's something Here's something right I'm going to lay this down Some people say Dogs are better than people I prefer dogs than people

If any person Got as fucked up Over fireworks As a dog does That person Shit You're a shit cunt You're a proper shit cunt

stop being scared of the fireworks you fucking mug get from under the table right but if your dog does it you're like oh me poor dog

oh it's got a tooth fuck your dog it's either good or it's not scared of fireworks pick a lane no it's not scared

of fireworks yeah that one no you got this on a technicality but that's that's the point

it's like you kind of be like oh we'll fucking love animals but then every time it does something that a human would do makes it a cunt

you love it no what your entire current argument is fucking based on is you're like everyone thinks dogs are better than people

I prefer people over humans I still people over humans oh you do me over technicality and then people. I prefer people over humans. People over humans? You do me over technicality and then you say I prefer people over humans. I prefer people over dogs. 100%. How can anyone argue? That's not the argument.

It's an actual argument that's out there? That's what I'm addressing? I'm trying to stand up for everyone else on the podcast that you've just fucked off by saying dogs are shit for not liking fireworks. I do not think dogs are better than humans. I do think dogs are great. I think they're lovely.

Oh, pandering. I like your dog. I feed your dog bogeys when I visit. Fuck your shit, dog. Look, just because it loves me doesn't mean I love it. Tell it to stop licking this before I bite it why don't you

practice in your wedding vows have I said this on the podcast before about people lose their shit

if animals do human things oh look that dog wearing a hat sitting cross-legged oh it looks like a human oh isn't it cute but the minute a human humps your leg

you think it's a cunt that means you hate dogs and love people you're the one that's comparing humans to animals no everyone fucking everyone man man's best friend most normal people friend Most normal people

Like Most normal people Like I laugh at my dog My dog's great But at no point I'm like Man I tell you what My dog's a bit of a cunt today

I came in Said hello Guess what the dog said Nothing Why's he a bit of a cunt What about that Is it because He didn't have breakfast

Is it because I won't get this I got tagged I'm very aware That my dog's a fucking dog I got tagged off Fucking Ricketts One of me mates right Tagged us in a fucking Article. I got tagged off fucking Ricketts, one of my mates, right?

Tagged us in a fucking article, my mate. Don't fucking get me out of your station. Tagged us in an article about... I like Ricketts, you're going to mate. People... Aye. I said aye before I knew who I was mugging off.

So he tagged me in an article about people love animals. People love their dogs more than people. But hang on, hang on. How many dogs did he tag me in that article? None? And the dogs give me a fuck? My mates are like, oh, can I like this? There's no dog like Sniff and Run can.

Oh, no, Kai's going to like it. Oh, Bosh is going to love this article tag. I keep talking about that article because his mum said it too. there's no dog like sniffing run cannon oh no what guy's gonna like oh bosh he's gonna love this article tag I reckon somebody knows about that article because his mum said it too just said it in her son fucking articles

people love their dogs more than their kids get the hint so I look if your dog's scared of fireworks, just kill it. No, I'm not.

Natural selection. It's not. You're telling me. That's not natural selection. It's like Hitler saying natural selection. Hello, Mark Nelson doing set list.

You cannot be like, oh like oh I killed these people natural selection it's not natural selection if you killed the dog right that's the opposite right

let me form my opinion here look please I've been watching right people like doing fireworks because they're pretty right

boom boom make flashes look you know we're sensory we're sensory organisms. We like to hear stuff, we like to see stuff, we like to,

like, fucking, if you have a kid, first thing you do, he's fucking rattle keys in his face. You know? Hi, you've got a boy,

he has me keys. Right? And what does a girl get? You've got, like, keys now. You know what it is? I don't even say gender. Right, so, no you know what it is I didn't say gender right so what I'm trying to say is

we like sensory input that's why we like theme parks we like television anal anything you need we like that kind of shit right

so we do something we like and all of a sudden oh my best friend's scared thank you can I turn off fireworks, my best friend's scared. Thank you. Can I turn off fireworks anymore? My best friend, tell us to stop. Doesn't sound like I've got a friend to me. The point is, nobody does fireworks because their dog is scared.

They just get concerned that their dog is scared. They still do the fireworks and the dog gets scared. And you can't explain to a dog that it's fine because dogs... Oh, sell them to us. Honestly, what did a dog that it's fine because dogs are stupid oh sell them to us honestly what did a dog do to you actually now you mention it

fucking barking threatened to bite us when threatened to bite you aye like when you think that is

when it's bark was like when it's bark when you think it's bark was like I'm not going to bite you don't worry so there's a I used to go to my cousin's house

on the other street, right? So I had to pass through the estate. And when I passed through the estate, there was this dog. That's the most kind sentence I've ever heard. There's this dog called Max, right? No, there it is. Alsatian.

Alsatian. And he fucking came up to me and started barking his tits off like oh I'm gonna bite you oh look at me teeth right and I had a Mars bar in me pocket

and I took the Mars bar or were you just happy to fun size because you knew it was gonna kill the dog I threw the Mars bar and went after the Mars bar and I fucking did a runner

did a runner did a runner I was like fuck I couldn't I'm going to stitch him up in the next podcast it was last week so I I did get like

I've got because dogs are alright right No Dogs are good if I'm me but this is the thing with dogs Some of them try it on with you No

No no no no Just because you're in sex No no Sexually try it on, will you? Just try it. Just try and be a mate. So, right, I got your hoose, right? You've got one of these yappy little fucking cockapoo.

No, I fucking don't. No, just hypothetically. Right, you, listener. Listener. Fuck. I come in your hoose. You've got one of these cockapoo fucking little hybrid nonsense, right? And he comes up and starts licking us and sniffing us and all that.

Like, get a grip. Like, hang on, hang on, let us get naive first. You know, remember when you had that cat that didn't want anything to do with us? You loved Ray. Fucking Ray was a little good cunt like. So my mum said, Ray is a big fat Maine Coon cat so that's like the big

can I call them out Maine Coon is the big show cat Ray is this big fucking fat cat I had to look after I forgot what it was but I was away and you agreed to it

and I know how much you not hate animals you just nothing pets. Oh, no, this is the thing. I grow with animals, right? Like, there's some animals I like, some I don't like. It's the same with people.

I don't just instantly love your dog because it's a dog. No, why don't you think I'm stupid? Your dog's a cunt sometimes. Because I think dogs are like babies, right? It's not like if you hand me a baby, I'll be like, oh, no, I don't know at first. I'm not going to fucking hug this baby.

I've barely met this fucking kid. Babies and dogs are all the same. I'm just going to trust on you. I've never met a... I've rarely met a shitty baby. I've rarely met a shitty fucking dog. I'm going to... But, oh, if it's jumping up at you,

jumping on you, getting hair on you, licking you, I'm like, fucking, what kind of baby are you? You're going to cry in your cot so Dave is my mum's cat she's a fucking great

she's just this big fucking big and all she does this is the only cat in the world that I know that just you'll be watching television

she'll just walk in and she'll just lie down beside you and just roll on her back and not make you just give you the option she's just like's my belly, I'm ready if you are. This is why I like Ray. I work in the news, right, I've never met Ray. Ray's sat there chilling and nodded at Ray. I was like, alright Ray, drop me a bag. I was like, I don't know

how I knew your name. I nodded at Ray, right, Ray nodded at me and just whacked straight out of the room. I was like, fucking God, I couldn't be honest with a conversation. I just got back from a long day's travelling, right whacked straight out of the room I was like fucking good I couldn't be asked for a conversation I just got back from a long day's travelling right I'm going to be selling a couple of days

I said dude and Ray comes back in and I'm watching telly and Ray didn't like pull up next to me just fucking pulled up on the other seat started watching telly

and Alan I was like alright good we can co-exist I'm not in your space you're not in mine right and as the days went on

like next time I went for a couple, I was like, do you want one? Honestly, we've progressed like people. We've progressed like people, like a far right. And there was one of your buddies was out and he started fucking jumping up on us. I'd be like, fucking get out.

Okay, I fully get where you're coming from, right? So what you're saying is you progressed with Ray. Ray? You've become friends, right? So, so, right? Like, I'll jump up with him now. So imagine, right, you get a dog. Imagine you get a dog.

You just get a fucking puppy. And it's the same thing. You just get this puppy. You don't know this puppy. You develop this fucking relationship with this puppy. You get close to it. You get close to it. And eventually, as with Ray,

only after a week, I still text her. You're quite like Ray, right? Now, if I come round to the house, and I start treating your new friend like shit, are you not going to be pissed off?

I haven't treated them like shit, but I'll push them away if they get clingy. Right, so, right, okay, so, I wouldn't be, like,

if one of my mates, so, right, okay, let me put it down to perspective, you, when you met Natalie, you start going on put it in another perspective. When you met Natalie, you start going on a couple of days, you get closer to Natalie.

She's a wonderful person. Happy birthday, Natalie. We both love you very much. You meet Natalie. She's obviously brilliant. You connect with her every time you get closer and closer and closer to her. First time you bring her into the house,

you're like, Natalie, this is my friend Daniel. Natalie goes in to hug me, and I'm like, yeah, good good get away We're not there yet Is that not a dick move Wait that's a hug

That's what dogs are doing We're hugging you Aye For 15 minutes If Natalie started hugging me For 15 minutes I'd be mad at her Sorry

She got so excited Sniffing your pocket Looking looking for a fun-sized mouth bar. Right, so fireworks are from Muggles. I thought it was a firework. But I just take photos of your dog. This is the thing. I come across like I don't like dogs. I really do.

But some of your dogs just, come on, man. How are you? Getting from under my feet. So we've only got time for one more. So I can't remember who this is from on Twitter. I'm assuming it's from Cake Lady. Nikki Gibson that's the one

putting wrappers of sweets I don't think that was was it not her nah I don't think so because I've got the one that was written down by her and that's

people getting excited about the Christmas coffee range but we'll move on to that in the next podcast people who put one of the suggestions on Twitter was people who put wrappers

back into like the celebration. You have Montesi, you have Montesi with the rapper. I, even though this is a suggestion, and don't get me wrong, whoever you are, it's a proper fucking dick move. That's real shit. I fucking hate it. Putting the rappers back in the box.

It's not Muggle though. It's just dick. Yeah, because I think it's actually more Muggle-y to be anal about it. To be like, oh, who put the rappers in the thing? We've got a system. We've got a system in be like oh who put the rabbits in the thing we've got a system we've got a system in this house we put the rabbits

in the bin like give a fuck sift through them sift through them we have fucking mandibles you've got these honestly we've got

these mandible claws that we can just drag through the box and then if something sticks between your fingers you can probably eat it it's properly dicky

to put fucking or just fucking it's inconsiderate actually it's probably dicky to put fucking or just fucking dick in it's inconsiderate actually it's inconsiderate but that's the thing about me is I love as you well know I love inconsiderate things

the one thing I love in every hotel and I will never get bored of this and I'm very aware of how shitty it is whenever I walk past any hotel room at two in the morning

and they have a do not disturb sign outside you flip it over I'll flip it over to please be on my room that, there's nothing there's no way you could ever convince me that's not one of the funniest things in the world because I know it's happened to me before

it happened to me this fucking morning I definitely put on do not disturb because we went to bed at 7 because we were watching UFC 10am they come into the room, I'm like no no, no, no, was I angry?

yes, did I shout? no, it's a funny fucking prank, someone did it to you? it wasn't me this is what I know I know it wasn't me, I saw it on the floor and I didn't touch it the point I'm trying to make is I'm just like you did it

it's definitely fucking shit it's definitely fucking annoying And I didn't touch it. The point I'm trying to make is I'm just like... You did it. I didn't put the wrapper back in, but it's definitely fucking shitty. It's definitely fucking annoying. But the thing about muggles is... To make this muggly would be to ruin the name of muggles. Muggles are not bad people. Yeah. They're not spiteful.

They're not delicious. Yeah. This is inconsiderate. You're not thinking of other people. Muggles are also not inconsiderate. Em're not thinking of other people. Empty bottle of milk back in the fridge. Like, oh, someone else will do it. Someone else will throw it out.

Selfish. And it may not even be measured. You may just intrinsically be a shit cunt. may just like ah fuck it i can't back in there you probably list that so that's not in muggle corner so let's go about this one let's just do a third one because we'll put the people getting excited about the christmas coffee range right if it's muggly i am muggly i fucking really do like them like spicy fucking latiers that you get from starbucks like i like what's muggly about it is that oh yeah i gotta have one because it's gonna be one month of the

year that i get to have me fucking ginger nut space fucking caramel pumpkin seed. But it should be all year round. I shouldn't have to just enjoy that in December. Like, I'm being fucking played like a fiddle by Starbucks because I should be able to, in March, go and have one of them. I don't have to like them festively.

No, no, no, but do not think if it were available all year round it wouldn't be as good. Like, don't go to like them festively. No, no, no. But do you not think if it were available all year round, it wouldn't be as good? Like, don't get me wrong. Christmas dinner, I... You know me, I love Christmas. I love every fucking aspect of Christmas. I love Christmas.

It's the deprivation that makes it. Yeah. If you eat turkey... It's Tandrick. Tandrick latte. Yeah. Jason Manfred had a fucking creepy team where he was like, the only time you'll ever eat turkey is at Christmas because turkey's not good meat. It's fucking dry. Dry. Tantric Latte. Dry.

Yeah. Don't get me wrong, I do think it is muggly to be excited about the coffee, but in the same way that I've admitted that I'm muggly, that I'm already now, I'm excited about Christmas dinner. I can have Christmas dinner tomorrow if I wanted. I could physically make turkey Yorkshire pudding. You can get out the tin? I could get a microwave, but I'm not going to, because it doesn't taste the same unless it's on Christmas it's the same thing about the fucking coffees

it triggers nostalgia it triggers nostalgia of that time of year it's like you've got to deprive yourself for it to be valuable for it to have value in your mind in your life I think it is muggly to make that,

with everything going on in the world, to the spice that ain't been on my lips to be the thing that I'm excited about. It's muggly as fuck. It is muggly as fuck. But indulge yourself in it. It's the same thing like CM. Neither of us really drink whiskey.

I'll drink it occasionally. I drink it probably more than you. I love haggis. I just don't eat it that much. You're trying to be Peter Rorick you're born in Essex or whatever you get stoked I know I'm going to have haggis but I know I'm going to have whiskey then and I do I am excited about it you get stoked I'll probably get fucking stoked

I love haggis yeah like pancake name and like you could put that in my corner but who the fuck doesn't love pancake with a bit of lemon and a bit of sugar

but like you couldn't be just pining with your face full of them every day of the year you go right you know what Tuesday's coming up

but that's the thing this is in fact this is another perfect example of like there is nobody in the world full of them every day of the year. You go, right, you know what? Tuesday's coming up. But that's the thing. In fact, this is another example of like, there is nobody in the world who is not guilty of muggle rape at some point in their life. Nobody is muggle free. I think you owe it to yourself a little bit to just, that's when you're safe. When you're a muggle is when you're at your safest.

When you're like not thinking about death or the fucking contemplating doom, right, is when you're just like indulging in some muggle is when you're a safest when you're like not thinking about death or the fucking contemplating doom right is when you're just like indulging in some muggle little concept like people that are full muggles you can envy them because you're just like oh you are so safe you're so wrapped up in cotton wool you muggle cunt. Right, so go through your two games. So that was the Christmas selection of Starbucks. Muggly, but knock yourself out. The other one was taking pictures of fireworks. Muggly, but stop.

And my one was... What was my one? No one cares. It was... Oh, putting rappers back... Oh, no, but I didn't get it, and that's why. Putting rappers back in the packet. Not Mugly.

No, Mugly. Shit cunt. Just shit cunt. Okay, so let's go into our tour dates. Before the tour dates, can I just mention, we say what we're following is scattered around the world, but the majority of people that can understand what I'm saying are based in Blythe.

Punch Drunk tonight. It's Monday, so we're recording this Monday at 1 o'clock in the morning. We're going to release it any time now. You can go to Cramlet and Punch Drunk. We've got Dave Fulton, American. Andrew Bird, he's fucking on fine form as well. Andrew Bird's a killer. Our good friend Milo McKee,

is going to present Troy Hawke to the masses. And he's going to actually do one of his fucking world famous videos in Blithe. So he's done like, he discovers the high streets,

like a posh aristocratic. Simpledon from Dollar? Yeah. What's the way to describe him? He's like, Simpledon's the wrong word? He's like, because simpleton is the wrong word. He's like,

he's not sheltered. Sheltered, sheltered, yes. So sheltered, sheltered aristocratic, I feel like aristocratic

is the wrong word. Anyway, someone that's from privilege. It goes into places like Wetherspoons, Pound Shop, the bookies, Ladbrokes.

And now he's going into Blythe. He's going to go and do a video in Blythe. I cannot wait to see that. But he's also going to be on stage in Cramlington tonight, Monday, in Blythe on Tuesday, and in Ashton, Ayrshireton on Wednesday. So Andrew Bird, Dave Fulton, Milo McCabe, hosted by Matt Reid,

and ran by Garv Humphries and the Punch Drunk Army. And then on Monday, the 6th of November, we are in Riga at the Cinema Splendid Palace. On Tuesday, the 7th of November, we are in Tartu at the Athena Kiss Cuisine. Where we spewed all over a bar to a point that we're famous in there now, and they have a plaque saying,

Daniel Sloss spewed here. we're famous in there now and they have a plaque saying Daniel Sloss is a beauty here and the guy he hangs out with is beautiful

Wednesday we are in Tallinn at Benny Couture excuse me excuse me and then on Thursday we are in Warsaw

at the I'm not even going to fucking attempt to say that word I know we've got no podcast listeners in Poland and then on Saturday,

we split up after that. Yeah, I'm doing some gigs in London at Headliners, and you're going to be doing some gigs in New York. I am in New York. I'm at Public Hotel New York doing my show now to any New York fans.

Gay Jonathans. The Jonathans. The Michaels. Is it the Michaels? No, you called them the Michaels. Is it the Michaels? You called them the Michaels and then they said they were the Jonathans? You got it wrong and then they tweeted going,

okay, we're the Jonathans, but never mind, you said the Michaels. I mean, they're going to correct you right now, regardless. It's a little fact, a little fact. You know how you're in New York and I'm in London? Do you know nylon? It's called nylon because it was invented in New York and London by separate people at separate times. Got painted at the same time, so they called it nylon.

I actually didn't know that. Well, now you know twice. Well, I mean, I thought that was a true lie, but I actually didn't know twice. I thought that was a true lie, but I actually did know that. Yes. Anyway, so yeah, please come to the show in New York. It's the one we're doing on tour. If you can't make the show in New York,

I will be back in December. Sorry, no, January, February next year. Also, to any American listeners, I will be doing a lot of American dates next year. Also to any American listeners, I will be doing a lot of American dates next year. We're talking Denver, we're talking Cleveland, we're talking

Madison, Colorado. Usually do Colorado. So hey, we're going to do one more podcast before the end of this tour and then I think I can do one with Kerry Marks when I'm in Nottingham. It's up to you to pick it up. I'll find some legends to fill your tiny little shoes. Your dad has weeds growing out of his arse.

Does he? Aye. growing out of his arse. Does he? Aye. Oh, good. Good work, Ev. Your dad makes you get off your dad makes you get off

the house phone when he wants to use the internet. Your dad has his own YouTube channel where he makes flashlights out of household items like cornflakes, boxes, broom handles, and you.

Your dad keeps the adult store on the A1 near Lincoln in business. Do you know what I mean? When you drive down the A1? Adult store on the left. Is that still open? We drove past it recently actually. I don't think it's ever been open. No, it always has.

That's where I met your dad. Your dad spilled soup on the carpet and now his carpet burns. I don't think he's ever been open. No, no, he has. Has he? No, no, no. That's where I met your dad. Your dad spilled soup on the carpet and now his carpet burns. Your dad pays the extra 15p to eat in it, Greg, since it's on the floor. Your dad got a parrot and all it does is cry and say,

I'll do it! Your dad eats Monster Munch with his feet when he's playing Playstation. Your dad's bathroom door has a glowy hole and your mom passes him pizza. Your dad does make up tutorials on YouTube. When your granddad was in a coma in the hospital

Your dad threw lightning bolts on him So he'd die faster Your dad wears a condom When he's getting fucked up the arse Because he's superstitious Your dad's got a truth like Natalie's vagina So he doesn't know a truth He's got a hairy tongue

Happy birthday Natalie Happy birthday, I love you Remember, remember the 5th of November Gunpowder trees What a surprise, it's a song about terrorism happy birthday darling happy birthday I love you remember remember the 5th of November gunpowder trees well what a surprise it's a song about terrorism I'm mushy women

pills in your dad's mac and cheese because I'm sick of him dragging his ass across me carpet your dad puts the bumpers up during sex a drunken texted your dad instead of Natalie by accident and he had no idea

but instantly sent us a picture of his tits without any question you're not going to get this one but for any educated listeners at home your dad fellbusters during journey talk fellbusters no I didn't get it

just pause for the laughter of the intellectuals at home mugs thank you your dad rides horses by hanging underneath them for dear life. Your dad's name is worth more in Scrabble points than it is in actual real life. Your dad opens crisp packets wide open on the table of the pub and slaps his maestro's wrist when they go to grip one.

Grip one. Grip one. Grip one. Sure. Sure. What shall we do now? Let's kiss I reckon. Shall we pause this so we can kiss?

Alright. Alright. I'm jealous. We'll be back on where will we be? That won't be. Thursday or what so? We'll be in

no we'll record this in town. Oh.