Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.13 Cranky Cream Needs a Nap

Episode Date: November 9, 2017

After a heavy session, not much sleep and a god awful travel day complete with traffic we spare our only free hour to put together the most cranky podcast to date. By all accounts it sounds as though we hate eachother but this podcast was unbelievably cathartic. Enjoy the tones of us locking horns! 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

And we're off. Start the podcast. Where there's too many creams and not enough mugginses. You can't hear me shaking my head by arm fairly audibly. Actually, there was too many mugginses and not enough creams in the last podcast because... I'd done a fuck-up. You click the mic off, let's see if they're both working this time. Yep.

Hi, there. Hi. Turn the mic off let's see if they're both working this time yep aye turn the mic off just we're a bit monday aye just to give the fucking audience a perspective of what it would be like if I wasn't here

there's just a lot of me laughing so aye unlistable no jokes but I think some people persevere you know hardcore

fucking nerds hardcore that because you were just whispering in the background while I'm just being really dominant But I think some people Persevere you know Hardcore Fucking nerds Hardcore that Because you were just Whispering in the background While I'm just being Really dominant Just pretty much My life

My dynamic really Are you tired? I'm just Now I hate Poland Purely for the traffic We just went through Yeah

Like it was just It was An unacceptable It wasn't it was just It was It was An unacceptable It wasn't even rush hour It was three Everyone's just sat in the car Wasn't they Just being fucking honest

Just chilling Right And the clock was ticking And we actually Are still in recovery From two nights ago No I've been tired too

I spewed Spewed again Everywhere I spewed outside this time Well I mean That doesn't make it any spewed outside this time Well I mean That doesn't make it any better It does You've literally

I mean it does But not to a An impressive degree I mean it's progress So like last year I spewed up in Because we had the Sparta shot

Right Which is Straw S-T-R-O-H Straw Google it It's used for cleaning clothes Is it?

I don't know. Someone put that on my Facebook status. I'm just passing off Facebook facts as my own. And it's 80% proof. And then absinthe, which is somewhere in the 70s. And then you water it down with vodka. And they give you, like, a double measure shot. Yeah, it's not small ones.

They're fucking, they're like... It was like half the size of a gin and tonic glass proper fucking gulps yeah so we had so essentially we had three of those so that's six shots

had a few gin and tonics and I was drinking Newcastle Brown Ale just because it's there I don't know why I do that it's fucking it's not nice you do it every time

we go somewhere in another country like oh Newcastle Brown Ale you do not like it but it's repping. Repping my hood. So? You don't see me drinking whiskey all the time.

Aye, you drink fucking Kingston upon Thames new ale. I mean, that was the weakest slam I think that has ever been on this podcast. This is noteworthy, though. You were born in England. And it's been mentioned on the podcast. Yes, several times. I just wanted to bring it up again. It's not something I hide behind.

Yeah, because didn't you use the term, I could be born in a stye. Just because a horse is born in a stye doesn't make it a pig. But that's the go-to quote from people for the BNP. No, it's from... Who's from that third generation? No, that's from fucking Bernard Manning, and it's also an old fucking not Egyptian Greek proverb

proverb? I don't know it's not proverb but it's basically I don't know just because you were born in a barn doesn't make you a good egg

I just refuse to be English I've got nothing wrong with English but I just think it's such a stupid you could enjoy the World Cup well not enjoy it

but you could watch but I just don't I don't have any affiliation. That's why nationalism is such a dumbass thing to be like. Right, so I'm meant to be English, right? Because all of my memories between the ages of being born and the age of four, that makes me English.

My whole family's Scottish. Lived in Scotland since I was four. Own a house in Scotland. Pay tax in Scotland. All my friends are Scottish. Because I do think patriotism is a bit mugg pay tax in Scotland, all my friends are Scottish. Because I do think patriotism is a bit muggly. It's absolutely muggly.

It's a bit muggly, but I think you can still have a love from where you're from without it being... Because this is the thing, right? I come from a place with a very distinct voice. Metaphorically and physically. We've got a very distinct accent. And a very unique way of life and sense of humour and way of dealing

with bullshit because we suffer bullshit and I think that develops you as who you are as a person and you can be

grateful for the place that you were born and that can make you love a place and love an area and love a patch of land but I didn't

grow up there like why would I have any affiliation to something where none of my memories are it's such a stupid thing. You speak English?

It doesn't matter. This is such a paper-thin argument. It doesn't matter. None of my memories. I have one memory of England, like, ever living there. And that was a fucking thing. All my memories, all my family, from Scotland. I don't know.

Why would I? It's like that dumbass fucking law that they have, if you're born on an airplane whatever country you're born over that's what nationality you are that's how stupid nationalism is so if you're fucking flying from England to Turkey and you give birth

over Spain, one, the pilot doesn't know where Turkey is, he's gone the wrong way and two, you're Spanish like that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard and that's my problem with nationalism. What's the rule again?

Tell me the rule. So if there's a pregnant woman on a plane and she gives birth mid-air, whatever country she's above, what airspace she's in, that's the nationality

of the baby. Romesh Ranganathan is English. His whole family is English. His heritage is Sri Lankan but his whole family lives in England. Went up to the Edinburgh Festival, brought his wife up, she came up, gave birth to a kid. That kid is Scottish.

The wife came up for three days, that kid is now Scottish. Got all the doubt. It's the dumbest thing I've ever fucking heard. Are you going to go tell Ramesh Ranganathan his kid's Scottish? Well, if it developed a Scottish accent by the age of seven, I'd probably go, ah, your kid's Scottish.

Yeah, but I don't have... You developed an English accent by the age of seven. I don't have an English accent. No, but didn't you say your mum and dad moved back to Scotland because you sounded like a chimney sweep? No, it's not. Four. And again, this is the same thing you always do.

You twist every single fact as much as you can. At the age of four, I moved to Scotland. I had a little Cockney accent because that's all the words I'd fucking learned there in school. So by the age of seven, I had a Scottish accent.

So based by your argument, yes, I'm Scottish. Look, you're both. I've got no affiliation. You can play for both national teams. I'd rather not. How are you more likely to play for Scotland?

In fact, just ask them. Honestly, I get so fucking sick of this argument. I just thought I'd have it in public. So we got munted in Tartu. And then yesterday we met up with Ari. He's our good friend, Estonian comedian

who come to the Fringe and stay with us at the Fringe. And you were slacking him off for wearing a scarf. Aye. He was wearing a scarf, though. And then he took all of his clothes off. All of them. Aye. I mean, on Snapchat, people would have seen him with his top off.

But he definitely had his cock off when he first attacked. Cock off? He took his cock off. He won't be needing this. Fight or flight. And it just flew off. It's neither. It just flew off.

And, yeah, we got grappled oh I had a funny thing the other day where I had to wear a shower cap over my foot over my sock oh my god

your fucking social media is fucking killing me I cannot wait to be in New York what's it good watch it no being near you

and your social media is the worst thing in the world how? it's just are you being grumpy? is that your joy? no I'm being grumpy

you're tired? no no because you're a wind up merchant you've done it all day you've done it all to her you're like Elliot Steele right

and you're like my younger brothers you wind people up and then when they get wound up you're like why are you wound up? why are you pissed off? all I've done all day

is done stuff to annoy you and now you're being annoyed? why are you being annoyed? I are you pissed off? All I've done all day is done stuff to annoy you, and now you're being annoyed? Why are you being annoyed? I've been an annoying cunt, literally, all fucking day. I've poked all of your buttons, and for some reason, you've snapped. But that's not just social media. Because when we were doing the cuddles at the end, the cuddles?

Oh, God. The spooning. When we were doing the hugs at the end and met everyone, the first person That came to see us Gave us Gifted us a chocolate bar Which was called

NUR N-U-R So we had a little bit of fun And it was like Oh NUR From Newcastle But then I tried to

Pitch it Like I was getting sponsorship Of NUR chocolate And every person That came for a photo I held the chocolate bar In the photo It was an annoying bit

Because it meant We had to talk to everyone else for an extra two fucking minutes because you were doing this stupid little bit. We had to take extra fucking photos. That's the thing. You sit there and you're like, why are you pissed off? All you do is wind me up. Yeah, but this is what happened, right?

I just put my arm around someone. I had the chocolate bar in my hand from the last bit. But what do you get? And I noticed that the chocolate bar was in the picture. And I was like, ha-ha, it looks like product placement. Binary chocolate. And you tutted and rolled your eyes and I was like well it looks like I'm committing to this

but what's the next 50 people but therefore you do not get to complain when I'm annoyed like it's the it's the like the most circular argument in the entire fucking world

all you do is wind me up and be like oh Sloss is in a fucking mood she's the most annoying person no I haven't done the fucking thing in the car for fucking months you did it two days ago i did it two days ago because every fucking day you've been doing the fucking yesterday yeah right and that was the first time i've done

it on the fucking compared to fucking are we in this fucking same seats absolutely get fucked sorry everyone he's very tired you're an absolute wind-up merchant and then you sit there right and you we're not even doing i love you but and i'm glad because i've got no i love you at this point you'll have a nap after this i'm fucking you sit there and you do the one shit bit and you we're not even doing i love you but and i'm glad because i've got no i love you at this point you'll have a nap after this i'm fucking you sit there and you do the one shit bit and you start complaining the second i did the carpet you wind me up about every fucking thing and then we go in the podcast you're like why are you being grumpy because you're the most annoying man i've ever met in my fucking life oh i'm annoying what did you do to me yesterday tapped me on the left shoulder and then went right all right once three seconds of your life

hilarious you know it's hilarious about it i didn't look around straight away i i because i was texting on my phone you tapped us on the left shoulder and i give you the two minutes over my shoulder you shushed me my text i shushed you i'd sat down in front of us you sat down directly in front of us and then i was like yeah mate and then i give you a little fright after yeah and then i'm walking out the pub and you went out the door before me, and I'm fanning on on my phone again, because that's what I do, I'm on social media and all that thing. And then you just jumped out of the darkness,

and I probably got a glyph. A what? A glyph, you know, I called a glyph. I said glyph on texting out the other day, and she went, a what? Glyph? Like a, like a fright? Absolutely not.

G-L-Y-P-H? Glyph? No, like a hieroglyph. Like just a regular glyph? Nah. It's a freight? It's not. Bet it is.

I mean, this is another fucking whatever street you grew up on sort of little shit. It is now. You know what? If it's not a phrase, why can't it start here? I'll be patient zero. Right, let's start off. Let's do a tally of annoying things we've done then. So two days in a row, I got into the other side of the car just to piss you off.

I tapped you on the other shoulder once. Just to let them know what that is. And I always have to go through the motions. He gets into the back of a taxi and then he shuffles along. No, he doesn't shuffle along. He sticks by the door so that I can't get in. So I have to go around the other side. And by the time I get to the other shuffle along he's still by the door so that I can't get in so I have to go around the other side and by the time

I get to the other side he's sat at that door and then occasionally I'll go back and he'll be there as well and we'll have to do this dance until he's bored of it

yeah and the reason that whole game started is because of as a direct retaliation last year to are we in the same seats and I stopped it this year

I didn't do it at any point until a couple of days ago you insisted on doing are we in the same seats fucking constantly stopped it this year I didn't do it at any point until a couple of days ago you insisted on doing are we in the same seats fucking constantly so I dropped my annoying thing so this is now more annoying things

you've done already yesterday I tapped you on your shoulder once as a joke which you laughed at by the way there was joy in it for you same with the scare

and then you jumped out because you were afraid but then you tried to put a finger on my chest to make it look so you could flick my nose but I was like you are

I did go for the glory I was going for the hat trick you went too far I got cocky you overreached swung for the fences so yeah that was just like

I was just horseplay more than anything yeah I wasn't annoyed by it but so what have I done right are we in the same season

and you're getting more and more in my fucking personal space when it comes to it as well like it used to just be you were clever about it you'd trick me into listening now you're right in my fucking face while I'm comes to it as well. Like, it used to just be, you were clever about it, you'd trick me into listening. Now you're right in my fucking face while I'm doing shit.

The text one was funny. The text one was clever. I've got no problem with the text one. Well, I have a problem. I can't do that on Snapchat, can I? You were in, oh my God, on the other fucking day when we were in that goddamn elevator

and you just fucking shouted bogeys on floor two for no... You fart in every elevator? I don't. You never smell them? You fart in every elevator? Name one, you've smelled them. Aye, because I hold my breath. No, you've never smelled them. My farts don't smell. Do your farts stink? No, I don't know. You never smell them? You fart in an elevator? You never smell them? Name once you've smelled them. Aye, because I hold my breath.

No, you've never smelled them? My farts don't smell. Do your farts sink? No, they don't. I wanted an up elevator. I'd start going down because your farts are that heavy. No.

No, poo's are fucking heavy. Heat rises. No, absolutely not. You're sitting doing pogies in the elevator. You're only annoyed. You have a Pavlov dog response to a fart noise, right?

I reckon I could not fart in a lift, but if I went, you'd hold your breath for two minutes. But hold on. How is this going in my favour, that you're farting in the lift, whether I can smell it or not, regardless of whether it's a smelly one, right? If it's not smelly, what's the problem?

If it's not smelly, that means you're keeping your waste inside of your body instead of releasing it. But if it's not smelly, what's the problem? So that's probably why it's so cranky. But if it's not smelly, what's the problem? You're probably so cranky because your farts don't smell. But what is the problem if it doesn't smell?

You're annoyed by a noise. Grow up. I'm just annoyed that you... Even if you fart and it didn't smell, like, what a weird fucking thing to do. I need to...

I need to fucking keep it in there until it turns into a jobby. How about this? How about that? No, but that won't smell, though, because you're the most unhealthy man in the world. All right, that's three for you.

All right, that's it. See, now I've got to do another note again. This is what I'm talking about. You know that you've been farting lifts? Name once you've smelled them. Hypocrite. Name once you've smelled them. Never.

Exactly. So it's not a crime then, is it? Because this shit doesn't stink in my nose. It's not a crime then. My point is... Farting a lift's a crime. All right. If you smell it...

Okay, here's the deal. You do it with strangers in the lift, right? Fart. Is it going to hold up that they can't smell it? Yeah. So if you're on a lift for strangers and you fart, could you just say to them when they're giving you a dirty look for farting, could you go, well, it doesn't smell?

No, if I was in a lift for a stranger, I'd do it silently. And then, if it fucking smelled, I'd have the safety of it. You do loud farts. It's like a fucking trombone. You can tune it to make certain amounts of noises Remember that lesson Where was it Oh where was it

That was fucking Was that in Tallinn No it was the other one Before that Oh it was Riga Just walking down the street Like not an old woman Like what 40

Yeah Just with her mate Maybe her daughter Whatever Full on Fart Like a In the middle of the street

took it and it wasn't like you know how sometimes when you got fart brooding and you like do you take a step and just like the angle of your step

makes the fucking fart come out wasn't that like that must have been it was a squeezed one oh she it was like here's a fart coming there it is

but like she didn't break a strident conversation might have been a queef she didn't smoke she didn't like oh my god there's other people nearby

she was just like it was like it didn't happen might have been a queef. She didn't smirk. She didn't like, oh my God, there's other people nearby. She was just like, it was like it didn't happen. Might have been a queef. Brilliant. Do queefs or farts sound different? Because surely fannies are looser than arseholes.

I reckon they've both got their own range and there's probably an overlap. There's probably some like queef noise that like definitely wouldn't be a fart

and some fart noise that would definitely not be a queef but there's probably like a bit in the middle where they would sound the same. No, you'd have to be a properef, but there's probably a bit in the middle where they would sound the same. No, you'd have to be a proper

expert. It's like will noises. That would be a good episode of You Bet. So you've got one, right? I fart in elevators, despite the fact that there's no... Queef or a fart in You Bet by Matthew Kelly. There's your one. I fart in elevators. Every day.

So let's say that is the, if you're talking about personal space and stuff like that, right, chemicals from your body are going up my nose, right? I mean, you've

literally lost the argument by farting at least three times now. Nah, well, that validates my argument if anything because the fact that you

were annoyed by it is proof that it's annoying. Well, no, it didn't annoy me because I didn't smell it. So your fart in the elevator cancels out

my, are we in the same seats? No, no, no. On a daily basis. No, no, no. I think so. I think a point each, right? I mean, you're absolutely

clutching at straws, but go ahead. Well, I mean, let's leave it to the listeners. I think, if you were to ask a listener, what would you rather be in the lift with Daniel Sloss

when he farts or can I ask you what seat you're in? Or would you, no, no, would you rather you were busy doing stuff every single day? I'm asking what seat you're in.

You just need to look up and go, oh, I'm 21D. No, no, that's not what you're asking. You've never asked me what seat you're in? Or would you, no, no, would you rather, you're busy doing stuff every single day. I ask you what seat you're in. You just need to go in, you just need to look up and go, oh, I'm 21D. No, no, that's not what you're asking. You've never asked me what seat I'm in. You've never asked me

what seat I'm in. What have I asked you? You've asked me unanswerable questions. Are we in the same seat? It's the dumbest, and it's not funny. It's never been funny.

I've just let it go. I've let it slide. I've let you do it for your little shitty social media, which really, I doubt this is, you've got some great

social media content. I fucking highly doubt that is anyone that anyone goes, oh God, I doubt this is, you've got some great social media content. I fucking highly doubt that is anyone that anyone goes, oh God, I can't wait to see what mundane and unclever way he thinks to ask. Or as he sat down and he shouts the word at him again, oh my God, the creativity involved. Fuck me.

It's lazy. Ladies and gentlemen, what you are witnessing now is the reaction I've been trying to get for the last three years. I finally got the reaction. He sits there on this fucking Snapchat straight face, but look at him now. We've got him. But to what end? To what end? Like, what's the point?

People put cry face emojis in my inbox. But what is the fucking point of this? The cry face emojis. You're like Elliot Steele and my brothers, right? And they go, why are you annoyed? Because you're annoying. What do you get to get out of this what was in it you want to know why i enjoy when you lose things and your life sucks it's exactly because of this you don't wind up marching and you and when you

weren't someone up you go what you went up for right so we're going to pause this bit right right so at the minute it's like uh we're evens on who annoys each other the most. Evens, but you've still got an argument in you, I reckon, which I find annoying, so 2-1. I don't know. I've been doing the Snapchat, Instagram stories of just me confusing things in posh hotels because I'm not posh on things that are not.

Eating soap, drinking white chocolate. Just stupid and ridiculous because I'm not posh, and things I'm not. Eating soap, drinking this white chocolate. Just stupid and ridiculous. I'm 34 years old. And I'd done this thing where I pretended I fought the shower caps so you could have a shower with your shoes on. Again, another stunning bit of comedy. It wasn't the best of that bunch, but I've been gone for three weeks. People that burn the brightest burn out the quickest.

I was, I've been gone for three weeks. People that burn the brightest burn out the quickest. So there I am, fucking, in the shower, with these fucking shower caps on my shoes. But they don't fully cover my shoes, do they? It's almost as if that's not what they were designed for. Properly drenched one of my trainers. Like, right through.

Like, I just dipped it in a bucket of water, right? The other one was fine. Did you not bring an extra pair of shoes with you? I just bought one pair of trainers. These little fucking slippers that I've got. I mean, fucking Eastern Bloc. It's icy outside, like fucking hitting zero degrees at the minute. And I put my foot in my shoe and I was like, oh, fuck, I've ruined it.

So I went and got one of the shower caps and dried it with a towel and put it over my dry sock. And then I had to, for two days, wear a fucking shower cap while I waited for my train to dry it wasn't my finest hour but I hope you

enjoyed the snapchat guys oh yeah it was definitely fucking worth it committed a bit 34 years old oh no

so what else annoys you most of the yeah any any form of social media that I have to stand beside when it's you

annoying a member of the public because I'm I'm I've got to stand and pretend I know you pretend you know us aye pretend you know us

aye in that moment I'm just like it's the I thought I did like that bit when you shout boogies in an elevator just at a man.

What age are you? You do it when the social media isn't even running. What? Like give people the middle finger when they're coming into the elevator. Boil the doors. I never give them the middle finger. No, no, no, they don't see it. No, no, no.

No, no, I do it in the same way that Ali G gives fucking the police the middle finger in a position that they never see it. I don't know if you're self-aware enough. No, and also that doesn't... I think people have seen that in the past no alright so if you're talking about antisocial

sometimes when oh I'm not antisocial sometimes when we get picked up by promoters that have put a lot of hard work into the gigs you'll not speak two

words to them from here to the hotel as if they're just your chauffeur I'll chat away to them and be nice it's almost as if somebody annoyed me

all the time at the airport and I'm not in the mood for conversation like that's what you ever notice how I always go silent in fucking airports right it's because I'm just sitting and going I can't I'd love to talk I'd like to do something but I'm not in the mood for conversation. Like that's what, you ever notice how I always go silent in fucking airports,

right? It's because I'm just sitting and going, I'd love to talk, I'd like to do something but I'm just waiting for this one bit of fucking shit banter

that's going to come out of fucking nowhere. You're directly responsible for that. Nah, I've tried talking to you in normal conversation the other day.

No, no, no, no, no, because I can't because you've not done a thing yet. Because every time you try and start a normal conversation, all I'm thinking in my head is like,

this is just built up to the fucking shittiest joke of all time. It's not a safe thing. So I'm wound in my head Is like This is just built up To the fucking shittest joke Of all time It's not a safe thing So I'm wound up The whole fucking time I was talking about my mortgage

You were like I couldn't care less And I was just saying I just need to Like thrash this out Because I need to work At what I'm going to do And everything

And then you were like I don't care I was like But you've got a mortgage as well Because you were like You couldn't get your head Around the concept You weren't explaining it well

And also it was Fucking where were we that day That was Lithuania wasn't it I don't know I explaining it well. And also, it was... Fucking, where were we that day? That was Lithuania, wasn't it? I don't know. I think it was Lithuania. Was that on Monday? Aye, because that's where I got that fucking shit-ass fucking rap thing from. Which rap?

Oh, it was just like... You know how I fucking hate vegetables, right? And normally, whatever I order, I'll just put the fucking vegetables off them anyway. See the fucking cunts that chop onions real small? I'm just like, you'll just, whatever I order, I'll just put the fucking vegetables off them anyway. See the fucking cunts that chop up onions real small. I'm just like, you've just ruined a whole. Just put in, like, you know, sliced onion or whatever. Easy to pick off. See when they fucking chop up vegetables and peppers.

I'm like, I feel like you knew I was coming. Yeah. Can you not just eat them? No. Like, you know, when you just go, right, I'm just fueling my body. I'm not here for the fucking party. Texture, can't do. You know, I don't.

It's like shots in it. Like, fucking, you don't even like a shot, but you want to get drunk. Oh, but it's not the taste. It's not the taste. I'm not here for the fucking party. Texture, can't do it. It's like shots, isn't it? You don't even like a shot, but you want to get drunk. Oh, but it's not the taste. It's not the taste that bothers me. It's the texture. To me, eating salad feels fucking degrading. Degrading?

It feels degrading. You feel used and... No, I just feel like... Like a piece of meat. It feels fucking subhuman. I don't know what cows do. Just sitting there chewing. It's like little bits of bugs. It's all fucking crunchy.

It's the wrong type of texture. I'm just not in for it. I know I'm what cows do, just sitting out chewing. It's like little bits of bugs. It's all fucking crunchy. It's the wrong type of texture. I'm just not for it. I know I'm in the wrong, but I can't change the fact that any time I go, my body just goes spew. I think you're a little bit retarded. It's like one of these disabilities that will never be identified. It doesn't affect your life any,

but it's definitely like you're fucked. No, I'm coming from a man with no fucking earlobes. That'd be way out wrong. Aye, but you know what? Super official, aren't we? No, you wouldn't know a man with no fucking earlobes. That'd be way out wrong. Aye, but, you know what? Super official, aren't they? No, you wouldn't know. Earlobes? Aye.

I want to deal with them, actually. Pierce them? Get spaces in? I don't get the earlobe thing. It's neither nothing nor something. Yeah, I don't know why you have them. I don't know what the purpose of them is. Nah, they just look silly, really.

Glad me and I took them away. I'll need... Tucked away suggests you have them. What? Tucked away suggests... They them What? Tucked away suggests They're not tucked away It's not like if you fucking pulled them Because there's something there

Like there's still a bottom of my ear No there's not What's that bit of Like fleshy ear made? Dunno Just my ear Aye that's But yeah if you

Like you could pierce that If you're gay That's so dumb Oh 90s Right So You got that off your chest What?

Everything that I've done To annoy you this time Oh it's just I fucking I can't wait to not see you I can't wait to not be In an airport with you For another year

I swear to god I'm putting in the contracts Next year If you say the words Are we in the same seats one more time you're off the tour I'll book Gareth I'm not having it anymore I'm done with it I'm absolutely done with it

I've got to retire it I'm absolutely done with it the second it started getting in my personal space it's ruined every airport for me I can't have a conversation i can't live my fucking life i'm not doing it anymore if you say it one more time you're off the tour i say don't press that button why but this is this is my exact point about you wind up marching what if i do it anytime i do something annoying right it's because i and you probably find a bit funny sometimes i misjudge it right but i, rarely do stuff

to you that'll just piss you off. Right, if you fart in a lift again... You're off the tour, fine. No, no, no. At least have it on social media. No. Because it seems something really fucking animal about it

when he was just staring at his fart in a lift and I'm like, that wasn't the humour of anyone. No, because... Like, no one's getting a kick out of this. Yeah, but what?

I'm not going to'm not gonna fucking embarrass you in front of all my fake online friends just for the fucking likes oh did you hear that he called you fake no I

yeah you're a fake online friend not mine I don't do it to my fake online friends oh god so um

what else have we done um oh any any yeah the noob any fucking bit so what else have we done em oh any any yeah the noob any fucking bit

afterwards any em I nearly made it a running thing where em because I did it once by accident where you come off stage

and I went I finished and you're like no I'm still on stage aye and then I did it the next day and I could see the defeat in you

when you were like oh no he's got another it's just shit banter it's waterboarding isn't it it's just shit banter it's just absolute fucking

shit banter it's like we sit and have a podcast right where we complain about muggles and then every day you try and crease

your level of mugglery around me to get a reaction you know I'm easily wound up right and you know I'm fucking miserable when I'm wound up right yet you still insist on doing it right and just sit

and being like why is he so fucking grumpy like you'll moan about the thing you've fully created well i'm sorry no you're not you're absolutely not sorry i feel like that i'm sorry you feel like a pussy You've ruined every Every airport I've ever been in I mean it was a pretty good Commitment though right

You've got to admit that I committed good Why I feel like I committed Right Is that your victory I feel like I committed a bit Didn't I

Yeah you did I wish you'd be proud of that No Because it wasn't good banter It was funny the first time It was funny the first time And that was five fucking years ago. Every fucking day.

It was three, but it may have felt like five. Oh, it's just been the worst. I'm genuinely going to put in the contract for next year. I'll retire it, but only because I want to and nothing to do with the loss of work. Oh, fucking... I'd find work elsewhere, you know. Busy bee, busy bee.

Gareth would fucking respect me. I'd actually work elsewhere you know busy bee busy bee Gareth would fucking respect me I'd actually like to see what you like because eventually you're going to bash up against each other because you and Gareth

are like good good pals but if you're three weeks intensive with anybody with any other human being you're going to I think we actually

do really well we're going to have these little rants where we're being like tongue in cheek I don't know how tongue in cheek you're being but we're going to, I think we actually do really well, we're going to have these, we're going to have these little rants, where we're being like, tongue in, I don't know how tongue in cheek you're being, but, we're going to have these little rants,

where we're just getting off our chest, like, I love your butt, but everybody that you, I bet you there's some people, that if you're too out of them, you'd have proper fallouts, but I think it's because like,

we have the respect for each other, of like, silence, like, I don't, I think Gareth's quite good, Gareth's not a person that uh needs to fill in silences and neither are you any comic that or any person that see when there's silence

they'll just spark up a conversation i'm like you're my fucking nightmare yeah like i talk for a living right you've got to be aware that the second i get to that fucking venue tonight from six onwards i'm pretty much in conversation the whole fucking time from the tour promoters to the techs to doing the show uh to talking to fans afterwards then drinking right i'm about to enter a 12-hour shift of talking if during the morning i don't want anyone to utter a fucking word to me yeah i'm just not in the mood for it i like that too because sometimes we've had friends backstage like even yesterday we had uh we had ari back all right who who I really enjoyed

catching up with him and stuff, but what it threw in my bit of dynamic is when I come off stage from opening, like you said, we've been with a tour promoter for a meal with them

or whatever, we've done the sound check and then I've been on stage and I haven't touched my phone in a little while. I've got a fucking fiancé back home. I've got a gig

that I'm running back home. I've got a bunch of affairs that need my attention and then when i get off stage that's my release when i can play on my phone all right just to fuck all and um and go on my phone so every day when i come off that's the bit where i catch up with everyone at least just finish work i'm having a bit of fucking time on my phone but if we've got a friend backstage they're not like me and you where we can just be quiet in each other's company. They're chatting, asking how things are going, how the rest of the fringe are going. It's nice. I fucking love hanging out.

But I think I need that ten minutes when I come off stage. I don't even need it for... I'm not texting fucking Jean. I'm not texting my mum. I'm just looking at memes. I'm turning my brain off. So do you think if you had someone that you toured with that was just chatty in them situations, you'd be fucked?

Oh, they'd be fucked oh yeah no even if it was because they go like uh barry's tax for england right oh no he's such a good talker like do you think you could because i could do if you were with barry right he's going to be like telling you stories and chatting and upbeat all the time backstage could you have put could you put up with three months hi but barry really hi but barry really makes me i reckon reckon that, yeah. Because he'd actually be interested in what he had to say? Aye. No, aye.

Barry's not a wind-up merchant. Fuck, I reckon he would be, like... No. Three weeks in, humour himself. He'd start fucking with you. Hmm. I just don't get it. I just don't have that Fucking Shitty

Personality trait In my repertoire Wind up Aye You send a bunch of dildos Till he'd steal every day Because he wound me up That was revenge

As always What did he wind you up with I was sending Topless fucking photos Aye He kept sending Progress reports Of his body

Which is dog shit So you started sending Dildo after dildo after dildo after dildo. That's my thing. That's my thing. Every time I've done something annoying to you

it's always been in retaliation. I fully have being annoying in my repertoire, right? But it's not something I would ever willingly inflict on friends. I've never understood wind-up merchants.

I don't know what it... I don't know what it... I think it's because I had younger brothers. You were a younger brother. Maybe that's it. Like, I've always had younger brothers

that have always just fucking annoyed me through my life. And I'm just sitting there going, see when people are fucking annoying, I'm just like, it's the worst.

But see when you are a younger brother, right, I know what, obviously now I understand why my brothers did it. It's to get any form of reaction out of you,

right? You get reactions out of me? I don't know what your fucking problem is. Right, I'll stop the... Are we in the same seats? For... Forever, you'll stop it.

For 11 months? No. That's a nice... 11 months is a long time. Mate, I bought you a fucking switch. You'll stop it forever. Indian Giva. Mate, just thought,

oh yeah, just think I could do something nice for you. Absolutely nothing, just wind up merging. I'm grateful if anything.

Well, I think it's about time you stopped taking this for granted and start looking at my qualities. I take them all for granted.

Banner in every airport is the same thing. I'm always there when you need a charge. That's true. You need to charge your phone. I'm always there with you need a charge That's true You need to charge your phone

I'm always there with Charging solutions I'll give you that one That is fair You do I will never go for a drink or food Without asking you what you need And coming back with food and drinks

You're very selfless isn't that You're always good at getting around I'll give you that one I'll get you coffees I don't drink coffees really But I know you do always offer Even though you know I'll say no I still offer I always Whenever I want't drink coffee really But I know you do always offer Even though you know Even though you know I'll say no

You still offer I always Whenever I want to drink You'll always join me for a drink You rarely leave me drinking alone That's true Every time you're asleep on the plane I'll tell the air hostess

That you would also like a snack Then you also fucking take photos of me Sleeping like a fucking dog Such a fucking I stopped doing that when you said fucking take photos of me sleeping like a fucking dog. Such a fucking... I stopped doing that when you said. I shouldn't have to ask. It's like...

You take photos of me when I sleep? No, I'm sleeping. Just because you don't post them online. Doesn't mean you don't do it. I'm just fucking... I just... My phone's over there. We're doing Muggle Corner now.

So I can bitch about other people. I got called a muggle today today I've put it on my list I'll have you bye how many did you do too? I think I had like yeah I've got

I've got three but I'll be honest with you one of these is also just a fucking gripe again. What, me? No. I'm getting some shit the day, like, are you tired? Do you need to sleep? That is true. Couldn't sleep last night, that's definitely it.

And also, yeah, it was, probably is, I didn't get to sleep last night. I'll be a punch bag, don't worry about me. Here's my one. My girls tell me I look taller on stage. Oh my God, every fucking day. Every fucking day. That's what I bought in me.

It's the fucking worst. That's one of the most repetitive things in the world. What is the, right, if people go, you look taller on stage,

yes, that's how stages work. It's literally a stage. It's literally to make me taller so everyone in the room can see me. That is the purpose of a stage.

Yes, I look, oh my God, every fucking, you look taller on stage, purpose of a stage. Yes, I look... Oh my god. Every fucking... You look taller on a stage? Alright, I'll stop. I'll crouch. What do you want me to do? And it's always someone's opening gambit too. It's not like they're chatting to you, get to know you, and then wants to know you a little bit. Slip that in.

It's like they come in and go, alright, I've got it. I know what I'm going to open with. And it happens like three or four times a night. You're not short, are you? I'm 5'11". Yeah. That's a similar height, right? I think, yeah.

I'm just like a fucking fly's nut hair off six foot. Aye. I'm just, yeah, look, this is my fucking height. On stage, I'm aware I look taller, and that is because I am on stage, and also my persona is big, right? When I'm off stage, I'm not, if amongst the fans I acted how I acted on stage

Or in real life They'd hate me I can't stand it Yeah that Every time someone says it I just sink I just like Fuck

What level of chat is this? Because this is the thing You've got to be You've got to be Still responsive to them yeah because they're nice they're coming up to you

they're not bad they're muggles yeah they're muggles you've always said being a muggle isn't being a bad person right they're not being a dick

yeah right they're just like using a stock and fill a bit of what they think's original but it's definitely not original

it's the same thought that everyone's it would be like coming up to me and asking me what do I think of the weather like oh bad weather it's like saying you look fat i wear a jacket on

you're like because i'm wearing layers all right it's it makes my day so so they always say it and you've still because they've bought a ticket they've enjoyed your show they're coming and i like them i want to talk to them you like them and you want to talk to them but when it happens for the 70th time in the space of 30 days i'm just i'm just like you're you're the one who's full i'm not smiling and you know um it used to happen to me every day not every day every flight i got on on the airport when i worked at the airport uh i used to hoover the airplanes right like uh i'll clean the airplanes but every now and again you'd uh you'd be the one assigned to hoover in the aisle and you'd put it on like a hoover

that's a backpack because it's like like the Ghostbusters like the Ghostbusters right and every fucking flight I'd gone on

every you just did it then right I'd walk on and the air hostess or the air steward or the fucking pilot literally everybody

here comes the Ghostbusters yes the Ghostbusters and which is fine right because it's the first thing that comes to your mind you look like a ghostbuster just so I can make it

crystal clear what you're saying is when somebody repeats a joke over and over again it annoyed you is that no no correct me if I'm wrong that's

no no no no no because nobody repeated the joke no but it was a joke that you heard constantly you got bored of the fucking joke no no if it was nobody Repeated the joke No but it was a joke That you heard constantly Yeah You got bored of the fucking joke

No and if it was the same person I'd be like Ah Graham what you like No Every day This ghost must have I set my watch by it Now I'm like

Oh here it comes And then I'm like Ghost must have Graham Oh you can absolutely Get it The fact that it's a different person Every time

Is what fucks with us right So I remember So you're telling me You'd love it if it's a different person every time is what fucks with us, right? So you're telling me you'd love it if it was the same person every day? One time there was a group that I had to fucking get by, the cabin crew, and one of them went, oh, Ghostbusters died, and everybody laughed, right?

And I'd just done this, oh, you're all in a big stretch, right? And I was like, oh. And just stretched it out as if I fucking wanted to go to sleep at the banter and like really made a scene of it and they got probably

put off by it and I was like well there's no need to be like that rude your chat is yeah just so yeah

I do think when but the worst thing with that one is what do you want me to do with the information like yeah how do you respond to it like what

what do you think my reaction is going to be? It's putting someone in stalemate on a chessboard, isn't it? It's moving your piece to trap you in. Any conversation that isn't a question. Do you look taller on stage? Do you look more attractive in the dark? I'm sorry about that. No, because people get fucking upset

that's the thing it's like it's the thing about being a fucking about being a comic this also happens off stage sometimes see when an audience member tries to have a if you have banter with me

I'm well up for fucking banter more than up for that but sometimes you get an audience member their banter's insult based because I'm very aware that that's the persona i give off yeah but you're like that's their way they're going to connect with i've got to leash myself like you've got to i you and i say the worst things to each other on this podcast off of this podcast all my i can say the worst things and i have no line with things that i'll say i can pick up on people's

insecurities and things that annoy me. That's my job to do. Like, I just feel like, see if someone's like, Hey, you're a big fucking cunt. Trying to have that animosity based banter. It's like,

I can't, I don't know how to gauge it with you. Yeah. I don't know how sensitive you are. You can't come in hard. Yeah. You can't come in hard because I punch harder. Just pat them on the head.

No. Oh, there, there. Good bitch. So, yes yes I think that because it's tough for them

to tell that they haven't had an original thought just then it's not malicious it's not

malicious but it's just you've seen it every fucking day on tour have you ever been caught out where you've

said something to someone and you can tell that they hear it a lot the ghostbusters thing just then oh yeah just now um because that that's uh that's a hard feeling when you you crack a joke and find out that it's something they've heard before which

is usually if like there's a play on a word with their name yeah you know um oh never heard that before it's that feeling if If ever you've got that, oh, fucking never heard that before, the minute you've got that feeling, that person that you're dealing with's been a muggle. Yeah. I mean, I'm definitely guilty of it in situations. Yeah.

The second the words leave your mouth, you just see their eyes sink, and you're like, oh, God, I'm not original. Yeah. Sucks. Sucks to be them. So anyone on the podcast who has said that,

we still love you. Absolutely love you. But what do you want me to do with the information? But you took a bit of our soul that day. Oh sucks to be them. So anyone on the podcast who has said that, we still love you. Absolutely love you. But what do you want me to do with the information? But you took a bit of our soul that day. Oh, you really did. Actually, I don't know why we're going to apologise to you. Just know every time you ask me that question, you make me...

It's not a question, that's what's worst about it. Oh, yeah. It's just a... No, just a statement. It's just the hand you like, a bit of banter that sinks to the floor and you can't say anything with it. If anything, it's almost an insult. It's just you're opening up with an insult, and not that sinks to the floor and you can't think anything with it. If anything, it's almost an insult.

It's just you're opening up with an insult, and not even a good one. In fact, you always respond with, that's how stage works, like what you said there. Right. And it's making you recycle banter. Yeah. They're saying it for the first time, but you're having to say it for the 70th time when they come back. I feel like all those poor kids on the It's a Small World ride have just been forced to sing that song every day. What's that, It's a Small World?

You know, in Disney World. It's a small world after just being forced to sing that song every day. What's that? It's a Small World? You know, in Disney World. It's a Small World after all. I don't know which ride that is. It's a Small World. I haven't even heard of the Small World. Have you been to Disney Florida? Yeah.

It's like one of the most famous rides because it's the absolute fucking worst one. I've never been on it. It's the absolute worst ride in the fucking world. I went for two weeks and I went to every park

but I didn't go on that one. It's Magic Kingdom. What films it off or what oh nothing this is original fucking Disney it's just like it's animatronic kids

that was the the joke and you're on a boat through all the fucking like different continents and countries and it's just all the fucking stereotypes

so there's a bunch of Dutch little things with clogs and they all just say it's a small world getting high as all just say it's a small world getting high as fuck it's a small world who goes in the window

hi you know at Disney hi you accidentally go through the red light district I bet it's a small world accidentally so that's in Muggle Corner

and there will be people listening that are guilty of it and if you get something like we had and it was you there that's in Muggle Corner and there will be people listening that are guilty of it and if you get something like we had on a message that was you there that's only because Daniel needs some sleep but I do also want to point I do want to point out as well

that as always, because I absolutely got correctly called on this the other day by one of the fans was I did something Mugly but ironically, and she went ironically still Mugly and I'm like fuck this point I absolutely am a muggle so if anyone listens to this podcast

and then ironically comes up to me with you look taller on stage you're still you're going straight to the court I'll fucking put you in the corner myself

if you do it yeah just bring me chocolate yeah so I can do my bit oh oh I don't know why I was enjoying it so much

because I felt like in my head you were quite enjoying because you you were like laughing and then like, oh God. Yeah, I laughed at the first iteration of the joke. Yeah, but then it got... And then you bled it dry. You know what?

I had it fully in my mind to bring it with us today. I kept it yesterday because I knew if I left it a day and then brought it the day and at the end brought it back because it would like call back it would have just had you go

oh for fuck's sake not this I thought that was long gone but I smoked some weed last night and got the munchies for when I got in

I ate my joke it was fucking delicious as well by the way absolutely delicious isn't it good no chocolate buy it the best chocolate

in Estonia I'm looking for sponsorship Muggles It's really delicious. Isn't it good? No chocolate. Buy it. The best chocolate in Estonia. I'm looking for sponsorship. Muggles. Muggles, this is another one just because we're seeing this every day. But this happens outside of the tour, outside of the meet and greet. It's people who go to take a group photo and then put the camera on selfie mode. Oh, God. And take one of themselves and then go,

ha ha, took one of me. Oh, it's the fucking worst. Oh, it's the absolute worst. It's just... I just wish whoever I thought it was just got it back off them and went, look, it doesn't matter. Get someone else to do it. I'll take it now.

Nah, nah, you had your chance you fucked up I'll never trust you again it's yeah look I took a selfie of me it's the and again

I do understand that all of this comes from all of this stuff comes from the fact that like these people this is it's such a dad thing to do yeah but it's like

their first like they don't know that we go through this every fucking day a thousand times. Because there will come a point in the future where we might not be able to do hugs and what's not after the show. But I'm just telling some of you

that you're going to make it easy. I always find it strange as well when people try and be funny in front of work because we're comedians, so they feel this obligation to be funny. Like, if I met a stripper, I wouldn't show my butthole. It wouldn't be my instant thing.

Aye, it's a weird thing, though. Yeah. I'm just... I'm happy to meet you. Happy for the fucking hug happy for the fucking phone that thing though I can

and you can always tell I can always tell that you've taken a selfie before you told me from the fucking shit look on your face from just you being like wait for it

ah ah it was me it was me you thought I was taking a photo of you but guess what guys it was me oh send us it

so I can remember this. Tag me in. This has been a very therapeutic podcast. Well, for me, I'm covering emotional bruising. Aye, this is straight in. What time are we on? We've actually got to make this on time. This is 43 minutes, but we're getting picked up in 35.

Are we? I thought it was seven we were getting picked up. 6.30. I don't know how close we are to the venue, but I said we need to be there for seven. He said we'd be in the lobby at 6.30. I swear I could do some fucking tabs as well. Because I'm clearly furious. That's another reason.

You need sleep, but you've also lost your vape. Aye, that is another reason, aye. Aye. Yeah, it's definitely... I'm treading on eggshells everywhere. It's a nightmare. Treading on eggshells everywhere. It's a nightmare. Treading on eggshells? You've been fucking running through them?

See what I mean? It's all fucking ridiculous. I'm glad you had to witness this. Oh, fucking... I cannot wait to inflict you back on Natalie. It's fucking kind of weird to say it. Oh, I wonder how long... I wonder how many days it'll be

until you be back. That'll get my first text from her being like, all right, here we go. We bitch about you behind your back. I bet she sucks my dick. Yeah, this is... back that'll get my first text from her being like all right here we go we bitch about you behind your back yeah i'm sorry natalie sorry you have to stop the dick i'm sorry i'm sorry yeah just to be clear just to be clear she didn't have i mean look it's like not to be fair i mean if you want to keep the diamond to be fair

like I was about to say she doesn't have to but then also like it's not have to but if she didn't like you would love her less like because that would be

I can't I'm looking for it elsewhere it's not a thing though right you know if this is going to be dangerous grounds to tread on if your girlfriend doesn't blow you right no but blowing you is one of the things Is that a thing though, right? You know, if... This is going to be dangerous grounds to tread on. If your girlfriend doesn't blow you, right?

No. But blowing you is one of the things that you really love in life. Right. You really love it, right? But your girlfriend, who has no obligation to blow you, doesn't blow you, you're probably going to get a blowjob somewhere,

aren't you? Do you think people cheated on that basis? Well, like, if I can't This isn't me Threatening Natalie By other people She's as good as Fucking Golden

She loves blowjob If anything She loves him more than he does Fucking Texas Sometimes I'm fucking In fact if anything It's actually The opposite problem

Sometimes Kai won't Let Natalie suck His dick So she'll just go In the street Honestly sometimes I have to have My third one

Of the fucking morning just to stop her going knocking on doors like trick retreating I always said

that though if you didn't have a toilet in your house you'd piss in the garden I'd piss in the garden

anyway I've got to tell her about it it's me innit yeah I think so muggles record the plane landing I'll piss in the garden anyway. I've got to tell everyone. It's me, isn't it? Yeah, I think so. Muggles record the plane landing and post it on social media.

I didn't realise how muggly that was until I got berated. Well, I didn't get berated, but... I think you just used to be berated today. Listen, I was just like... How I made. I was watching it, waiting for something good to happen.

Like a crashing. Because what happened right this is me undefended it's muggly I'm going to stand in the corner right

but I thought like because we're Snapchatting the tour and I've got like we're going from this place to that place I just thought it would put like a nice

like transition between one place to the next if I'm when I'm in the car I put a time lapse on 15 seconds if we're like

fucking overtaking people going on country roads come into land we've put it in I time lapse on, 15 seconds, if we're like, fucking overtaking people going down country roads, come into land, we've put it in, I just thought it would like, punctuate where we're going, and give this feeling of journey

to the tour, and I thought it would be like, I was just trying to be artistic, in a way, but because I'd done it above the clouds, before we dipped under them, fuck man,

we were in them clouds for a long, long time, and it meant that the thing was 30 odd seconds long, anybody wants to watch 30 seconds of that shit, nobody, but you know, if it had compressed to 10 seconds, it would have been forgivable. a long, long time and it meant that the thing was 30 odd seconds long. Nobody wants to watch 30 seconds of that shit. Nobody. But you know,

if it had compressed to 10 seconds, it would have been forgivable. Maybe. I know what I was trying to do. I failed. And I actually deleted it as well, not in the like,

oh no, I'm ashamed thing. It's just that, if that's how people were feeling, if I'd misread the room and that's how people were feeling while watching it,

I'd fucking rescue the other couple of hundred people that are going to watch it. Aye. Aye. I caught it after half an hour. I couple of hundred people that are going to watch it I caught it after half an hour I was like get that off swing and a miss

self aware I'm a total muggle I think it's straight in I don't think there needs to be much discussion so my next one

is this is one of your bits but I just thought it's not worthy on the podcast. And Muggles look at their friends for a response to you in gigs. Can you talk about this?

And I was like, you're talking about it, but I don't think we've put it in the Muggle corner. Aye. I'm definitely in the corner for it. Like, the reason, for those of you that haven't seen my show yet, without ruining it, I just referenced the fact that, you know,

sometimes if you go see a comedy show with your friend and they like the comedian and they'll check for your reaction all the way through and it's a really muggly thing and I know this because it's exactly what I do that's why I know it's muggly, I'll take people to see comedians that I love or I'll make them watch comedians I love on TV and you

just look over it because you want them to love the thing that you love but you are just making the other person be like, do I have to perform for you? Self-conscious, yeah. You brought me to watch your performer. Am I now... Am I part of the performance?

Yeah. Yeah, I get that when I'm at the Punch Drunk gigs, when I'm hosting them, I'll sometimes stand by the bar where I'm in people's periphery. Because I'm part of the night and the evening and hosting the show, people are looking to see me responding. I get somebody who's catching them in the audience

looking at us when they're laughing, giving a thumbs up or whatever. And it's nice that they're trying to engage us. I'm actually flattered by it, if anything. But there's another part of us going, oh shit, I've seen this comedian 30 times. Yeah, that's why I booked him. Right, yeah, I've seen him a bunch.

I know exactly what's coming. My reaction ain't going to be the knee-jerk reaction of hearing it for the first time. So I could actually look like I'm bored. But I'm not bored. I'm just there witnessing the comedian doing what I know he can do to an audience. I don't want to have to be putting on that first gig response.

Yeah, I always feel like sometimes because whenever you're on stage I come out to just see how the audience is and it must look like I hate your set, I've literally You're just watching with disdain I'm just looking, I'm just seeing because I know each one of your jokes and how much of a big reaction, all I have to do is come out for one of your jokes

and once I hear the laugh that it gets I'll know how good an audience it is Yeah you'll go yeah that's Because I'll be like, that one got a huge laugh, it's a nice audience, or if it doesn't get a bigger one, I'm like, oh fuck, what does that mean? Stay for a bit longer. But to anyone looking on, it must be like, why don't you book someone whose jokes you don't find funny? I've seen them a thousand times.

Aye, straight into Muggle Corner, I reckon. So yes yes people that So let's go through these to put them in Muggles tell me I look taller on stage And Muggles record the plane landing And post it on social media Muggles look at their friends for a response During a performance

And Muggles take photos In selfie mode When they're meant to be doing a group photo It's just we understand what you're taking a group photo we understand what you're doing it's just very low forms of banter plug stuff Saturday

I am in New York, I'm doing The Best of Conan somewhere and then I'm doing my show now somewhere in New York Google it, you know where it is. Then I'll also be at the Comedy Cellar on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday in New York doing Shorter Spots and then we're back on.

Is the UK tour next week? Yeah, it starts again on Wednesday in Livingston, I think. Is it? Okay, yeah. So we're back in Livingston. Oh, wait. Oh, wait. In fact, maybe we should actually get this up because who are you going to do a podcast

with on Monday well eh so the gigs that I'm going to be doing so while you're in New York I'm going to go back I've got gigs in Chiswick and Woking

on Friday I don't know what the gigs are called I think it might be Headliners or Comedy Box I think Woking's Comedy Box

and Chiswick is Headliners and then on the Saturday I'm doing the Woking gig again and then in Windsor so I'm going to be opening one closing the other so you can catch me at either of them on Friday and Saturday on Sunday I'm in Skegness in the afternoon

and on Monday and Tuesday I'm in Nottingham if you live anywhere near the Nottingham area there's going to be punch drum comedy gigs with Kerry Marks, Barry Dodds, Scott Bennett and John Hastings across the two gigs and then that's when we're back

on tour again on the Wednesday so no no so it's on Thursday the 16th of November we're in Livingston at Howden Park Friday the 17th of November

we're in Warrington at the Pyramid Saturday we're in Derby at the Derby Theatre Sunday Wolverhampton and then we'll be back

the week after that so podcast wise when you're in New York it's over to me isn't it because I don't have, and then we'll be back the week after that. So podcast-wise, when you're in New York, it's over to me, isn't it? Because I don't have any more stuff. We'll be able to do one for the Thursday, but for the Monday one, these are my two options. Matt Reid's going to be staying at Natalie's house on Saturday night because we're going to Skigness together on Sunday.

Matt Reid would be mint on it, but what's tough about that is we've both got gigs late, we'll get back in, and we've both got to leave early in the morning so it means just dana fucking recording the middle of the night or some shit so it might be tough to get matty on it but it would be mint if we could if if i can't get that uh option two is just as good kerry mox is going to be doing the punch so i'll get kerry back on the podcast and uh that just means, if it is option two, it's going to be a little bit late. It's going to be on Tuesday. All right, that's fine.

So yeah, that's the score. Dad jokes. All right, I've only got eight. Sorry, I've got 11. You go first then. Your dad plays Flo's Lava and he's only in the doctor's waiting room. Your dad braids his back hair. That's fucking true.

That's impressive. I know. That's what that meant as well. I've tried shaving my gooch. It's fucking impossible. Your dad can never... Why can't I read? My own handwriting.

On a note on my phone. Your dad can never find anyone to push him on the swing, so he just sits there crying. If you play your dad's vows backwards It's a suicide note When your dad's walking down the beach He probably runs away like a pansy Every time a wave brings the tide in

Your dad is racist towards his own shadow Your dad puts broca in milk Your dad is a rescue He's a rescue. Rescue dog. Rescue dad. Adopt, don't shop. Your dad uses

the hand basin in Nando's to have a gentleman's wash. Your dad has the most scout badges I've ever seen but he's never been in the scouts. Homeschooled. Your dad dressed as

Spider-Man and climbed the Brooklyn Bridge for the Fathers for Justice protest even though he's happily married to your mum. Your dad somehow has shit stains on his socks. Your dad washes porn in black and white so you can imagine that he's a dog at the foot of the bed.

Your dad trash talks your mum during foreplay. Your dad trash talks your mum during foreplay. When your dad's walking around the streets with his mates drinking cans, he has to get in before the streetlights come on or he's grounded. Your dad has a receding jawline. Your dad wears his old school uniform on Tinder dates. Are you done? Aye.

Your dad grazes on grass like a cow instead of mowing the lawn. I don't know why I turned the bonus on. Your dad buys broken biscuits and glues them back together. I think that cheered him up. But he still needs a nap. I do need a nap. I always want tabs. Yes, a nap and nicotine.

And you'll be back to full strength from apologising for being really mean to us earlier. Apologising for fucking nothing? Fucking love it when I take that bit in the airport. You're like, oh, here we go. No, no, no. You're just angry because you got told off your shit banner. Now that I've finally broke you. Stop farting in the lift.

I think, give us a tweet, right? At Kai Humphries, at Daniel Sloss, and tell us which is worse, asking, are we in the same seats, or asking a repetitive waterboarding question

every day at the same point so the person can't relax when they're in a situation. I'm not going to try and undersell it. It's fucking gross, right? It is like, you are there, because sometimes I leave a it really late in the whole time i get why you're waiting for it every time i'm on my phone i can see you look and i'm like not now

all right it's just can't it's just a horrible it's just a horrible thing to do someone to someone that's meant to be your friend but sometimes when i'm feeling good like when i'm feeling better on you i just put your misery and data at the check-in desk just so you can enjoy the effort so it is a country thing to do awful do. Awful. When you dissect it. But that of farting in the lifts. So tweet us. Oh yeah, no, no, no. Okay, again, not time to sell it.

Farts that don't smell. Sure. Put that caveat in if you want. Right. Right. Farting in the lift. Or ruining someone's whole day. Right.

And whichever one comes in with the most has to stop. No. All right. I'll see you guys. I'll not see you at all. I'll talk to you via podcast next Monday or Tuesday. And Daniel will be back on Thursday. All right. Less grumpy, hopefully.

Let's go and do a gig in Warsaw. All right. Bye.