Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.14 Back on Home Soil

Episode Date: November 16, 2017

After a brief spell apart the tour reunites in Scotland for the final leg accross the UK. Cream gets a tattoo in New York with a Hollywood star while Muggins goes to Butlins and falls out with a florist. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, Muggles! Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Alright, one in the muggins, two in the cream, back with a fantastic podcast. I don't know if that's a compliment or... I've run out of idioms and songs, so I'm on innuendos. I'm going to bend you over on muggins, you'll write up the cream. That one's better, you should have opened with that one. You'll work your way up. I'm going to cream all over your muggins. So we're back. We had a littleuggins so we'll get we're back

we had a little absence which we'll get on in a second it was actually arguably a valid absence or probably our only ever

valid absence yes I have had we'll get on to it we'll get on to it a bit let's talk about me sorry we missed Monday's podcast my nana went to play

bingo in the bingo hole in the sky my lovely nana she went to Mecca she went to My nana went to play bingo In the Bingo hole in the sky My lovely nana She went to Mecca She went to Mecca She moved slip She went She went

She switched faiths Just at the end Just at the end Lived a Lived a Catholic life All of her life And then right at the end She was like

You know what She was like You know what I reckon ISIS have got a point Buried her face at the West. So, yes, I just had a bit of social media blackout for a few days when I spent some time with my wee mammy. Hi.

So your gran passed the clogs. Yes. She kicked the... Clogs. Clogs. All clogs go to heaven now. Yes, all clogs eat and roam. So, yes, I went and saw my family and then come back up here.

But we split from the tour. So we're back on tour now. We split from the tour on Friday last week. And you went to New York. Well, I went to Butland's in Skegness. You went to Manhattan. Yeah, I went to New York. I went to the Big Apple, which, did you know, they don't know why it's called the Big Apple?

When I was on top of the MSA building. On top of the world. On top of the world. There was a draft whereby, just to annoy all the Americans, I went, that's why they call it the Windy City. And then you fired. They were like, no, that's why. Did it in the elevator though

so I'm not a hypocrite so yeah so the Big Apple is not they don't know why they call it the Big Apple

they don't know why it's turned up in a newspaper as a phrase in about 1896 or something like that and nobody's

really sure why they cannot work out the etymology of where it comes from oh damn because I went out there and I was like,

why is it called the Big Apple? And Kelsey said, I don't know. And then we Googled it and Google was like... There's no real reason. I thought I logically worked out the reason and just assumed it was that, but I forgot where my logic took us. Because it's filled with big worms.

It's seedy. There's no doctors. There's no doctors in New's no doctor's in New York Man, that's the funny thing about when you go to America, because they don't have fucking any I know they've got Obamacare but that's all of a bit of a fucking shitstorm at the moment, and before that there was no free healthcare

like it's amazing that you have to pay for healthcare, like, in general like, my mum has had four children, right? Now, one of them, Josie... In fact, two of them were quite complicated births. Josie was a complicated birth, what with her being disabled and whatnot.

And Matthew was a bit of a difficult... because he was a plunger baby. Oh, Matthew! Oh, totally explains his head. Man, you just made Jack, my youngest brother, laugh his ass off. Like, you in one sentence have made sure that my middle brother

is going to be bullied for the next week by Jack. And Jack just slid out. Oh, yeah. Jack fell out. Oh, Jesus. We had to put him back in. He wasn't done. Like a pencil.

Because I'm always pulling pencils out. Yeah, man. I'd say that bit, you you know they went to take Jack out you know that bit where you open up an oven when you're cooking a pizza and you realise

you set your head too close to it and you get burned by all the fucking stuff coming out straight away when you open the dishwasher

you get steamed up was that like a mistake for Jack steamed up the surgeon's glasses surgeon Jack slid out like a pencil

and he had a rubber on He actually came out scouting a couple of weeks before Just checked if he liked the place Just when she was asleep She was asleep, climbed out Just had a little potter around This will do, that's where I'll sleep I'll have that room

Just put the bed in I always find that funny Whenever you're doing You know when you're selling a house? Whenever you're selling a house. I felt this when I was buying this place. Buying a house is really... It's one of the only times

where you're allowed to just be really fucking rude about someone's house. Imagine you walked into anyone's house and you were like, oh, I mean, it's a bit small. It's a bit of mould. Oh, it's a bit of mould It's a bit of mould The garden's not that nice

I don't like this I don't like the paint job Because you're trying to get The house for a lower price You don't get much sunlight In here do you So you're just walking around Imagine that

I just came round to your house And I was just like Oh fucking hell Jesus Don't make it Trying to cut 15 grand Off the top I mean we're going to have to Change the wallpaper

When we get in So that's going to be An extra cost Fuck you What's wrong with Fucking Newcastle off the top. I mean, we're going to have to change the wallpaper when we get in, so that's going to be an extra cost. Fuck you. What's wrong with fucking Newcastle? I like She-Ra. I don't know if that's,

I don't know if that's on a, I guarantee it's not on your list, but fuck me, there is a muggle corner. Muggles give their kids, like, that's a muggle kid thing.

Now, I know most kids are muggles anyway Because they're fucking kids Football wallpaper Man I used to have right Now My mum's always thought I've been Gay I don't know if she's always thought I've been gay

Or whether she's just really wanted a gay son And also she just doesn't care So I think her way of doing it She's like if you're gay it doesn't matter I'm like I'm not but like way of doing it, she's like, if you care, it doesn't matter. If you care, it doesn't matter. I'm like, I'm not, but that's nice to know. She's like, I love you nonetheless. And I was like, maybe she's just being liberal.

But then I remember when I was 10 years old, I loved WWF, man. Back in the days, it was WWF. I used to get all the magazines and I used to tear out all the pictures of them and I just had all of them on my wall. And I'm talking like right beside my bed i went to bed but these are just topless men your mom doesn't understand the art

like i'm saying i'm saying that i've got all these topless men on my wall right uh and then i write poetry about wwf which we've discussed in the podcast before suddenly thinking i know maybe she did actually think it was gay. Maybe she wasn't being liberal. Maybe I was just giving her all the evidence. She said that one time she caught me wanking, though, to porn, and that was the first thing she said. But she went, well, Lisa, no, you're not gay. Eh?

Aye. So she actually, like, she didn't just look at you watching porn, right, and go, oh, no, God, all my eyes. She was like, oh, what's that, you're watching? Oh, no, no, no, no, worse, worse. Worse, worse. This is a funny, I hate this story so much, but, like, I feel like you tell enough horrible stories on the podcast, it's like oh what's that you're watching oh no no no no worse worse worse worse this is a fire i hate i hate this story so much but like i feel like you tell enough horrible

stories on the podcast it's about time hi so i didn't watch porn on the internet basically i got this is a weird start to a porn story but it does make sense so i collected the original 151 pokemon cards right i know it feels like I'm going off topic, but it will come back. I caught all the shinies. The second I got 151, one of my mates,

Darren, stole them. Totally lied about stealing them, but he absolutely stole them. What? He had a wank? I just hate wank. This story gets further

and further away from a wank happening right but he stole them so after we got them back my mum was like right these might be worth something

you need to laminate them I'll keep them and you found out once they were laminated that you can come on them and wipe them off charizard more like I'm a charizard

I'm gonna have a oh no Pokemon more like poke your bum that works better have a little Pikachu Pikachu bless you had so many wanks on my Bulbasaur I know. Pokemon, more like poke your bum. That works better. Have a little Pikachu. Pikachu, bless you.

Had so many wanks on my Bulbasaur. Squirtled. Oh, ditto. Do you reckon the Pokemon world, like,

did you watch a bunch of Pokemon? Nah. Right. So, let's just assume that the Pokemon world, right,

if it was real, right? Yeah. Kids going around hunting these animals, fucking collecting them, fighting against each other, that's already a bit dodgy. That's real not cool. Yeah, I think the actual WWF, Wildlife Foundation, would get involved. They absolutely would. They clearly don't have this in the Pokemon world.

If we assume it's a real world, first of all there's got to be pokemon porn right in the same way that there's animal porn now which means like there's probably a video on like in the pokemon world there's probably a video that's like banned but like a lot of kids saw in like high school where like woman died because she was fucked to death by like a rapidash which is the horse one Charizard So You know Are you saying like You know how When you're watching

Pornhub It'll have like Little adverts in the corner And it'll be like Fucking The Simpsons Or some shit Oh no No no no

No I'm saying If you In the Pokemon world And the way that you get Animal porn nowadays There would be Pokemon Like legit Pokemon We'll have to breed somehow

Don't we Yeah but not with humans Aye that's not what we're saying so hold on where does your wank come into this right okay

I'm done but the other point I want to make is like I reckon in the Pokemon world people fuck Ditto have you seen Ditto

it's just the fucking pink mouldy one and it can turn into any Pokemon like that's it's power you reckon people just catch them

and fuck them absolutely they do why because it happens in this world. People fuck animals in this world. If they go, oh, people go fishing in this world, like, you must fuck fish.

Probably not. No, yeah, not all people, but someone has definitely fucked a fish. Do you think so? A hundred percent. Like, someone's always done something, haven't they? Yeah.

Someone's, man, I reckon a fair few people have fucked a fish. You ever seen fish? Sex? How do you not? They come out and they're just like already wet

they're doing that thing they're showing you how wide their fucking mouth goes they're already doing the make up face aren't they doing the mascara

people have definitely fucked fish which means people have definitely fucked Pokemon in the Pokemon world anyway so one time

Darren ate a Pokemon Darren ate a Pokemon so my mum hid the Pokemon cards She was like I'll keep these How did you get them back? Well so I went looking for them

Didn't I? No Right And I'm looking And I'm like I'm walking to my mum's Walking wardrobe And I'm like

Right this is I'm going to fucking find My Pokemon Right look under a bunch of things Found my dad's porn Oh yeah Magazine porn Magazine porn

Oh that's Back in the good old days Had old hairy ones there Didn't they not this one no dad no no not that much

dad's got tip ex at least I thought it was tip ex he used to like tip ex aye so I used to write to my dad's and then she called me with that

and she was like at least I know you're not gay I was like maybe I'm looking at the dicks and then she disowned you aye I've raised you wrong get back in what You're not gay. I was like, maybe I'm looking at the dicks. And then she disowned you? No. I've raised you wrong.

Get back in. What? She might have thought you were gay because you rejected breastfeeding when you were a kid. Maybe like, you're not for me. No, thank you. Dad, here, come on these. Bring that tip over. Dad, it was your milk. What was the original point of that?

Getting caught wanking Somebody doing a pile of pie in a house Aye There's no point to it Anyway I was in New York The Big Apple And You were in Batlands

So you did a gig And I I did a gig with Matty Reid in Batlands It was really good Oh name dropper I bet you I bet you I could beat that one, though. Oh, yeah.

Only just. I got tattooed with Cal Penn. Yeah. He's Kumar from Harold and Kumar Get the Munchies. He's one of the doctors in the house. He's in the Netflix series Designated Survivor. And most impressively was a speech advisor for Barack Obama.

Yeah. Hi. Yeah, he used to write his speeches for him. Yeah, so basically, apparently, I asked him the story and I was like,

I didn't want to ask too many questions because he's, right, he's a friend, right, which is a very weird thing to say. But like two years ago, he came to my show

in New York, right? He'd never seen me before. He just took a fucking risk on comedy because but two years ago he came to my show in New York. He'd never seen me before. He just took a fucking risk on comedy because he loves comedy. Came along to the show, loved it, and I saw him in the audience. I'm like, is that fucking Cal Penn? Messaged me after the show. We met up for a drink.

Next time we went over, we met up for a couple more drinks. Hung out, really gone. So, you know, just sort of decent mates. I don't want to ask like too many questions like it'd be it'd be like if you and me you and me were mates

and you just kept asking like what's Conan like did you really enjoy that yeah and that sometimes does happen when like people start like kind of journalist type questions

in conversation and you end up it ends up like changing the dynamic from being banned to being a really formal presenting yourself and revealing yourself

but I was just like I really wanted to know. I was like, how the fuck did you end up from an actor, from Kumar, from a fucking stoner movie? You wrote a cheater.

You wrote a movie with Neil Patrick. The whole thing was you getting high. How'd you go from that to... You weren't American Pie. You coined the term milf.

No, he wasn't an American Pie. Was he not? Oh, no. Did I just accuse... I thought Harold and Kumar were an American Pie that term milf Right No he wasn't in American Pie Was he not Oh no Did I just accuse I thought Harold and Kumawa Were in American Pie That said milf But it might have just been

Because The guy that played Harold Was in American Pie But I don't think Oh so it wasn't a spin off From his character No From Harold's character

It might have been I don't think so You know what I always thought it was But I might be mistaken Oh But I thought it was A spin off character

Like you know how Jane Silent Bob from Dogma Aye I actually Like I mean it's been a while Since I watched it was, but I might be mistaken. But I thought it was a spin-off character. Like, you know how Jane Silent Bob from Dogma? Aye. I actually, like, I mean, it's been a while since I watched it, but I thought that was the case. Probably not. So, oh, yeah, so I was like, how the fuck did you end up getting that job?

And apparently Obama, when he was running for, I don't know what the term is, senator fucking something, before he became, when he was part of the Democrat Party, got a bunch of celebrities to turn up, like he did a celebrity sort of, not like fundraiser but he was just, basically his

thing to all the celebrities was like, you really connect with the public like Justin Timberlake was there, he was like, Justin Timberlake you sing songs, someone's at work and they're not enjoying work but to get through their day, they listen to you and something you do really speaks to them and like, your movies there people love your movies, some, to you and something you do really speaks to them and like your movies there people love your movies

you really connect with the public in this emotional level and if I'm going to run for office I feel like I should connect with the public in that way too and that's why I want to take a lot of people on board from the entertainment industry I'm not interested in your money, I'm genuinely

interested in like how do you'm genuinely interested in how do you your celebrities, but how do you stay so grounded with the voice that you have to people because I want to make sure. So Kyle was dragged there by a friend and he was just not explaining to him. He was like, fuck, that's a really good... Kyle's playing all these gyps.

He's just like, oh well, let's go along and see this. And then Obama lectured five people because they drove in Hummers and he's like, how fucking dare you come to an Obama fucking dinner with Hummers, with glorified war vehicles? Right. And apparently he just really got on. Dismissive of those guys. Aye.

And just Cal really got on with him and then was the one that planned. So I was out with him and we ended up getting drunk. We had a boozy lunch. Yes. And then he was like, I've always wanted to get a tattoo. And I was like, well, I'm obviously going to encourage you to get a tattoo. Because one, I love tattoos. I think drunken tattoos are very, very funny.

I don't get people that are against those. I love the fact that in 60 years' time, I'm going to be like, I was drunk when I got this. I used to be a fucking legend. I used to get drunk in the guy from fucking, how's, like. You're never going to be ashamed

of a drunken tattoo, really. Like, I mean, obviously if you get one on your face or something like that, well, that's going to affect your shit, right? You're going to be like,

what have I done? Right, but if you, I've got a drunken tattoo that means more to us than the rest of me tattoos because it's actually got a story and it takes me back to a time. It's like, it's a bookmark in a specific time in my life all right yeah it reminds you of what you did back then like people always say oh you know you're not gonna regret that tattoo

and i'm like at least this is a regret i can see yeah do you know how many regrets make me randomly scream out in the shower you just there you just go somewhere in your mind yeah your brain just you know when you're there you can't do anything your phone's not there and your brain just goes hey remember that time you called your teacher

in primary 7 mum and you're like ahhh no em I'm so yeah

yeah you're starting like your tattoos are starting to look like you were a fucking teenager's bedroom door aye like some kid that doesn't pay attention

in class like they're under the side of his desk closed off to your parents aye so er I he was just like I want to get a tattoo I'm like Like some kid that doesn't pay attention in class, like they're under the side of his desk. Closed off to your parents. All right. So he was just like, I want to get a tattoo. I'm like, I'll absolutely talk you into this.

And he's like, I don't want to get one. If you get one, I'm like, well, there's... Like at this point, I have to get it for the story. Like, if I'm going to fucking sit on this podcast... You can't not. At the end of the story, it's going to be like, and then I didn't. Well, this is what I've always said with Tom Horton, is nobody wants to hear the story that ends with,

and then I nearly did something. Yeah. Like, you want to hear the story where it actually happened. Yeah. So you're like, every time I'm close to, like, nearly doing something, in a situation, I'll just go fucking all in. This is for the story now. Tom Horton does also have the great philosophy, right,

of there's three reasons why you should have sex with someone. Ah, yeah. Right? And I really do agree with that do agree with it yeah and this is this is not gender specific but i think it does it thoroughly covers both genders and all sorry all genders and all sexualities right which is three reasons to bang someone one because you want to right two because somebody told you you can't and what that means it's means is don't fuck her He or she's married It's more like Stay away from Jim You know what he's like

Stay away from Jim, he's a bit of a womaniser So you've been told you can't And now that girl's just going to go Tell me what to do Or if you're a girl And they're like he's too cute for you Or she's well out of your league And you're like well now

And the third reason is for the story you're a girl and they're like, oh, you know, he's too cute for you or like, she's well out of your league and you're like, well, no, no, this is... Game on. Aye. And the third reason is for the story. Yes. Which, you know, some of my funniest stories... And I'm with Natalie for all three, actually, because I want to be with her, so there's one, and two, my dad told us I shouldn't. And then three,

she's got a crazy story out of it. I mean, it's not that crazy. Yeah, you know, good story. I mean it's not that crazy Yeah Good story I mean I do reckon You're the first Flirt person from Blythe Like to marry Anyone mixed race

A mixed race posh girl Aye It's weird She's not posh But she is posh Oh she is She absolutely is She tries to get away

With her fucking Glasgow accent But her general demeanour It's the opposite side of the tracks Isn't it It's the opposite side of the tracks story I reckon in Blythe Some people They probably raise eyebrows

One of them One of them that dates A normal man Almost be racist Very specific one of them that dates a normal man how was me racist very specific when you were away I fell out missed you

I fell out with a florist I took my day with a florist alright so the reason you didn't do a podcast is because you were needed to be with your family

because you lost a family member I wasn't with my family when I heard the news I was away from home I was in Nottingham and just like because I couldn't

be there for my mum I sent her some flowers and got a card written on it saying I wish I was there to give you a hug when you need it I'll do it for you soon

lots of love and I'll love you to the moon I had to phone her I had to phone her I was like I love your favourite son and she's like aww get off.

I had to phone the florist to get the order to put me thing on. But I looked up, there's this place on Broadway Circle in Blythe, Broadway Roundabout. There's a florist

that's a family business that looks queen-y. So I thought I'd ring them. But when I opened the website, what I hadn't noticed is that I don't know how this is legal, right? But on their website, what I hadn't noticed, is that I don't know how this is legal, right,

but on their website, there was an advert for a different florist, as if like, you had your website, and some other comedian, that's touring at the same time, as you somehow got the advert, on your,

on your website, so I don't know if it's like, a randomly generated advert thing, yeah, and then, or maybe, maybe they're in cahoots, maybe they're in cahoots,

but I clicked on the phone number, for the advert one, rather than this family business one, and they're, I mean, they're in cahoots Maybe they're in cahoots But I clicked on the phone number for the advert one Rather than this family business one I mean they were very mechanical when they took me over It was clearly a bereavement one And they were just like What's the number across your card? It was pretty shitty How sad are you?

How sad face emojis? Aye, three So when I hung up I found out that my mum wasn't going to be in the house because she was going to meet my nan to do some of the sorting stuff. Looking for her Pokemon cards. Finally, and found a pawn.

Just a screwdriver with a condom in the end shit well we were talking about that on the podcast I need to go over that again so I found out

she wasn't going to be in four so I rang instantly back right I just rang her back the same

the same girl I said and I was like hey I've just ordered flowers and she was like what can I help you with

I was like I'd like to make sure they're delivered after four o'clock and what was the name and I said

my mum's name and she was like what's your'clock and what was the name and I said my mam's name and she was like what's your name Linda Linda what's the name Linda and she shoved it back

how many how many A's are in Linda as many as you want the thing is there's only such thing as too little how much room you got can I have an A4 card

with the flowers aye aye is this the new Twitter do I have 280 extra characters because I can tell you what the new one for you is going to be mostly it is

so she went it's not on the system can you email customer services on customer services blah blah blah and I was like

oh no no I just need the time change I don't want to be sending an email like fucking out and about shit to do and she's like

nope you've got an email and then started reading it back out to us immediately the thing and I was like why don't you just change it and she was like because you've got to email and then started reading it back out to us immediately the thing and I was like why don't you just change it and she was like

because it's not on the system so you need to email why don't you email them I went like forget the system what about your memory how's your memory could you check in your memory

to see if you took the order and she was like I take a lot of orders and I was like but it was two minutes ago look it's me and also

I put a view to the moon and even in this scenario if she said read the email you're clearly closer to an email than I am so you email customer service

that's what I ended it on but on the way to that point she I said can you just stop repeating the email address

like I don't know if you think I've run like rang HMRC about my tax returns but i'm ringing the florist and then she she just went oh god right which fair enough right said oh god after i'd made like a thing about like why your job's not that important yeah yeah this isn't like i'm not in well what i'm saying is like i'm not bringing a corporation i'm not like bringing

fucking starbucks with a complaint i'm ringing a florist About sympathy flowers Right So my thing was I'm not ringing HMRC I'm ringing a florist I'm not going to go through All your channels and emails Just like

Can you deliver after four Shout over to Dave And tell him to not do Until after four I know he's beside you And she let out Oh god Right

Like under our breath But like Yeah And I was just like Look I know we're both Going through a lot of stress Right now right Like I've got the bereavement

and you've got doing your job that must suck but but could you just change it and she was like well you're telling us not to keep repeating myself

but you're just like asking the same thing and the only thing you can do is email it and then I just I ended up just going well you email it you've got the email address

you email it like I've paid for a service you're providing a service like I've done my bit alright so so you weren't doing any flowers the rivalry three you fucking mug she fucking wrecked you saw me coming fucking so do you. Saw me coming. So do you want to give them a shout out?

Good plug. Hi, Lily's Flowers. Fuck the cunts. While we're saying fuck the cunts to certain companies, Norwegian Air can fuck off. Oh, you can't properly fucking stop. Norwegian Air can fuck off and die, right? That whole... It sounds like a disease, actually.

Norwegian Air's disease. I like Legionnaire's disease norwegian air so after poland i'm flying from fucking warsaw to oslo and oslo to new york now we've left like three hours uh between the flights between fucking uh warsaw and oslo but i don't mind being in an airport like in fact i quite enjoy a couple of hours in an airport if it's an international flight what i do is I go get a steak dinner, I get a bottle of wine, and I get fucking shit-faced before the flight. It's a lovely little tradition,

and especially for a long-haul flight, it fucking sets you up nicely. So I'm sitting there, and they go, oh, your flight's been delayed by a further four hours, and I'm like, I mean, I'm not going to stop drinking. Like, this is now on you. Like, nobody stops drinking. What do I have Self control

Fuck off You have self control I've had four I'll stop there I'll stop there Aye Now that I'm slightly stressed And bored of my mind

Do you know what I mean Sobering up That'll be fun You got anything Like a coffee that'll make us anxious So Just keep drinking Keep drinking

It's delayed by like Four fucking hours And I'm getting Like I don't mind I also told you You're not allowed to take food on the flight. Right. So none of this is where it fucking gets to, right? So I'm getting...

I don't mind... I know it's none of the staff's fault. There's nothing that can be done, right? Something's happened somewhere else on this flight. And nobody... The person who needs shouted at, it's not there, right? So there's nothing I can do. But I'm staying at Kelsey's

so I'm just like you took a day out on her no I was already landing at like 11 so the later and later is delayed it's like the later and later

I'm asking her to stay up to let me in I'm like do you mind staying up till 2am do you mind staying up till 3am it might be 4am

and it's just like yeah go to bed now see you at 7 so I'm just going through that and eventually gets to fucking Borden so they get us in through the gate and the second he gets past the gate

they're like alright it's actually going to be it's actually going to be another couple minutes it was an extra hour and here's why they did it if you're delayed more than 3 hours before Borden that's when you get compensation you're legally by European standards

allowed compensation. Unless they get you through the boarding gate first before three hours and just keep you fucking there. Oh, and cook you up on the flight. So that's what Norwegian Air did, right? Fuck! So they knew, right? They'd been two hours, 45 minutes, and they fucking knew that they were going to have a flight with people eligible for compensation. And instead of doing the right thing and allowing those people that compensation that they deserve for a delayed flight

they brought us all in the long term cost of not giving the compensation of doing that day the long term cost because no one that's on the flight is going to use that airline again

but they could have been frequent flyers no no but they will because it's a fucking budget airline so the whole time I message them I'm on Twitter

not publicly tweeting them I fucking hate celebrities that do that full stop space at oh grow up you think you're better than the fucking

like my your opinion and your I'm going to bring them down your horrible power hungry yeah your horrible experience is worse

than a normal god forbid a normal person went through you know what's even more funny when people have got like my level of followers where it's like not even that much

like I'm at like like, 8,000. Like, well, Starbucks, is this how you plan to treat your customers? But they're waving, like, this infinitesimal amount. Oh, just like, oh, I think I found this. 8,000 people, right? I know 6,000 of them are just eggs, but those people are never flying your airline again. So they get us in beyond the fucking gate,

and then they go, big bong, right? He did the thing, he hit a button, don't know why fucking gate and then they go, big bong! Right? He did the thing, he hit a button, don't know why he did it. Big bong! Just to let you know that the entertainment system on this flight is broken, so there'll be no entertainment systems at all. If this bothers anyone, you can leave now and get a later flight. And it's like, this flight was meant to be at 5am,

5pm, it's now 11pm, you know there's not a later flight. You're a fucking bag of shit. You know there's not a later... We're just going to go and get a hotel, which you're not going to pay for because, as's now 11pm, you know there's not a later flight, you're a fucking bag of shit you know there's not a later, we're just going to go and get a hotel, which you're not going to pay for because as you've already said, none of us are due fucking compensation. And they're going through these transparent motions that are so obvious what they're doing to you. And then they're like, oh

there might not be any food on the flight we're working on it now but we've lost our trucks so I go up and I'm like right, if there's no food on the flight, can we can we go out, and me and a bunch of other people have gone up and we're like, can we go up and i'm like right if there's no food in the flight can we can we go out and me and a bunch of other people got up and we're like can we go out and buy some food for the flight then they were like no no you're beyond the gate now and it's like is this a prison like it was and i'm just saying have food on ai and it's i'd never like shouting at fucking

like people who there because it's never their fault but there was points in this i'm like this is your fucking this is your fault you're actually going ahead with this yeah this is like saying the fucking like if someone gives you

an order that's fundamentally wrong you even just going ahead with that order it makes you complicit like you're just you're just sitting there you've conned us in

beyond the thing you're making us sit in this thing where there's no fucking charges there's no nothing right you're just told

there's no fucking electricity on your fucking flight you're just telling this is my food fortunately there was food I will give them that right but there's no nothing, right, you're just told there's no fucking electricity on your fucking flight you're just telling them there's no food, fortunately there was food, I will give them that, right but, right, there's no entertainment systems I'm like, it's fine, I've got my Kindle

I'm really enjoying my book at the moment, I'll just get a couple of drinks on the flight and I'll just read my fucking book, so I get on the flight come past with the drinks, I'm like, can I get a gin and tonic, they're like, oh we might not, I'm like, bitch if you say there's no alcohol right, and there was, but she made a real, she was like i've got to go down there and get the gin and tonic i'm like then you fucking go down there and you get the gin and like everyone on this flight is entitled

to free drinks anyway that's like it's part of the deal part of the fucking deal but also give everyone doubles at this point yeah every to anyone on this flight now that orders a drink you give them two of that thing. And I know that your company doesn't fucking care, but your job as a human being, how can you not understand? I would do that if I worked on it. Because I've had flights before,

British Airways have done it, where the flight's been delayed by an hour. And they come on, they're like, we're so sorry. British Airways are good though. The woman whose job, it isn't her job. She's not the reason the flight leaves.

She's like, I'm so sorry. Can I give you drinks as the flight starts? You're like, that's all it fucking takes. She's not the reason the flight leaves. She's like, I'm so sorry. Can I give you drinks as the flight starts? You're like, that's all it fucking takes. That's all it fucking takes. Have another one when they offer you a bag of nuts.

Right. So I'm reading my book, right, and they do that thing where it's a night time flight. They turn the lights off for people, right?

So I go to find my personal light. There's no personal light. No personal light. I was like, do we just sit in the dark for six hours? Hungry in the dark.

Aye. Hungry in the dark, right? Every time you order booze, they tut at you for six fucking hours. Oh, no. It was eight hours from fucking Oslo. And that's how it went? That's how it went down? Oh, nothing.

It didn't remedy the light situation? It didn't remedy. I was like, is there any light? She was like, no. And I was like, oh, well well can I stand in the galleyway and read my book she was like no you've got to sit down

I'm like oh I'll never I'll never fly them ever again it's the worst airline experience I've ever had in my fucking life

God it must have took everything in your power not to fucking do shit all over the fucking toilet cubicle but seeing that

you'd just fuck the cleaner off it wouldn't you I used to clean that yeah yeah yeah it would just be some poor fucking guy on minimum wage

in a gas bag but the other thing as well like is like I was so close to just genuinely fucking tweeting being like

this is a shit storm like no lights no almost no food no entertainment system fucking five hour delay

where they snuck us in there so they didn't have to pay any fucking fines or whatever I'm like you do deserve to be fucking called out on this you fucking bags of shit but it just i could never bring myself to but i will do it as a respondent to your complaint uh tell me if you're if you're actually going through the motion i've said i've set marlena on yeah so i reckon okay i think i own the airline now marlena who is now with Gareth Waugh at a hip hop concert Gareth Waugh

G-Tip went to run the duels with her paralysed yeah she's got twice broken ankle

aye she's got never shut twice broken never shut Marlena our agent like she's broken her leg

so many times if it happens one more time genuinely I'm getting the fucking blank out you get the shot and we'll just put her down right in the middle of the road aye she's broken her leg so many times if it happens one more time genuinely I'm getting the fucking blank out you get the shot and we'll just put her down right in the middle

of the road she's done start digging it's a short hole a very short hole short dick yeah so she she somehow loves

run the jewels right aye which is such a strange like you wouldn't expect that it's like we find out that you're like really into I don't know like classical She somehow loves Run the Jewels, right? Aye. Which is such a strange... You wouldn't expect... We find out that you're really into, I don't know, classical music or something.

Oh, I hate classical music. It's just one of those where you're like, oh, that person and that music. I wouldn't have guessed. All right, all right. So she knows JT. It would be funny if you're a really big ABBA fan. There's nothing wrong with ABBA.

You're perfectly entitled to like them. But if you really liked ABBA fan. There's nothing wrong with ABBA. You're perfectly entitled to like them. But if you really liked ABBA... What's his name? Just like, how did you... Is he trying to be quirky? Yeah. So yeah, it's... I do love that run of the jewels.

Girls who run the jewels. Girls who run the jewels. That's a good one. It's them. And then there's, if you like it, then you better run a jewel on it. If you like it, then you better run a jewel on it. If you like it, then you better run a jewel on it.

So, she was like, who do I know that's like banging to hip hop that's probably not working? She's like, my client. My client,

next to my client. Which one of my clients isn't working this evening? Slosses in New York. Guys in Butland. And Gareth gets off Samsung at six. That's pretty much the latter. Nelson can't go, his wife won't let him.

And Craig Hill thinks there's too much homophobia in rap music i don't think run the visuals are homophobic i think they're quite that's why i said in rap music and generalized it because it wouldn't have worked i do get that like i like i really like uh eminem but there is part of me now where every time he says faggot i'm like oh could you could you not though it's starting to happen with the word bitch as well actually when I'm

listening to old rap music and they say bitch I'm just like that's a bit squiggy with old music it doesn't make it acceptable then

it absolutely doesn't forgive it then but like part of the fucking times and what not but it's like now I'm like

could you stop saying bitch and faggot yeah you don't need to do a live show, you can probably cut them off. Aye, like,

we've talked about some things that we've said in our stand-up in the past where we've developed as evolved as people and societies evolved around us, where we're like,

ah, that's a bit cringe looking back on it. Absolutely. And I guarantee... But we've stopped doing them jokes. Yeah. There'll be stuff

on this podcast that I've probably said that I've forgotten. I shouldn't have fucking... Sometimes I've known that at the time. We're just in a safe space. But yeah, you evolve around it. With certain types of rappers, I think Eminem is so intelligent.

All of his stuff. But then he just does all, I'm like, did you have to? But that was what was the thing with Eminem. He was really trying to antagonise people and get a rise out of them, so he was kind of doing it because it's button pushing. And that's when he was getting accused of being homophobic and shit like that. He had that big appearance with Elton John.

Elton John admires his music and he's a creative licensed and all that shit. And then he jokes about every time something appears homophobic, he runs it up the flagpole with Elton. And I think he's just fucking with people a lot of the time I genuinely don't think

Eminem's homophobic but there's some of the stuff he said where you're like come on could you hey now hey now

what now potty mouth bit rude shows a lack of intelligence of swearing doesn't it unless you believe these Facebook articles

that like oh people who like gin and swear are really... Oh, my God. They're the fuck... Those things are the fucking... People who like gin are more likely

to be sociopaths. Oh, my God, Debra. That's me. Shut up. People who like lions are more likely to be successful. Yeah.

No, you're not. Oh, God. People who like cheese are more likely to be better drivers. Oh, my God, that is true. I've never crashed my Punto on the way to Bree. It's always everybody else's fault.

Oh, that's such... I'm pretty sure we put that in Muggle Corner before. But if it's not there, we're putting it in now. Speaking of which... Are we going to go into Muggle Corner? I mean, you are. Stew. There we go. Right. There we go.

Right, here we go. This happened today. Muggles ask for shout-outs at comedy shows. Ah, yeah. I turned up in Livingston today. Great audience today in Livingston. Thank you very much for coming. And I know we've got a bunch of podcast listeners in Livingston,

so hopefully this isn't directed at you. Natalie told me that we were a bit harsh you know in the podcast where we were like really taking chunks out of each other

you were taking chunks out of me she said we were a bit harsh on you've got to you've got to stop taking the piss out of your

audience members what did we say about them I don't know I think it was because like most of the muggle stuff was about that

but we carried on with the same kind of anger we had for each other at the beginning. Oh, so it was... But we've always said being a muggle doesn't make you a bad person. But we accidentally took out on the kids. I think we accidentally put a bit of venom in. Because you know when people say, oh, I'm going to take a selfie, and we're like, oh, fuck's sake, man. Oh, yeah.

And we just do it. I think we had the wrong tone maybe because this is something silly that we've roast I mean to be fair

I do think most that's my muggle corner muggles get genuinely offended by muggle corner like you think

we mean it if I grow up like you know this podcast you know we don't mean anything so just go into the fucking this this one with like real vengeance that i fucking fucking stick it to them uh so muggles

ask for showers in livingston today we turn up there and i love the staff at livingston like we've been there for years they all know as we turn like i've got a message for you and i'm like oh god a bit more lena and uh it's just some guys like oh this guy it's his birthday his girlfriend wants to get a shout out and it's like no yeah like like i'm not a fucking caravan park dj yeah i'm not and it's it's like i just don't know what it is like because you've come out for this like you've come out this is a birthday present you've come out for this fucking special day like i wouldn't be funny if we all to make if they get the comedian to make fun of day doesn't like i rib my friend all right but it's also like there's 199 other people in that room who's not birthday who don't know jamie like i cannot make the i can't make the show about you because it's already about me yeah such a

such a gear change i'm not used to oh i just i can only really talk about myself when you ask to rib someone as well i always think that's so strange because you're like yeah i'm pretty good at roasting people right but i like to build a rapport with them first I don't like to just come in and rib some stranger yeah like I've really got to know someone before I

insult them because I'm very vicious with my insults like if I a lot of I've cut a lot of friendships short like the second I've

made a joke about someone and they've been upset by it I'm like oh we can't be friends like I can't trust you 100% like if you get upset unless like what I say is a genuine fucking insult like if I'm like, oh, we can't be friends. Like, I can't trust you 100%. Like, if you get upset, unless, like, what I say is a genuine fucking insult. Like, if I'm like, fuck you, fuck this thing.

But if I, like, make a jab at you, like, a clearly very funny joke. Yeah, just one that's, like, you don't really mean it. You're just like, oh, just, you've got to stop doing the, we're in the same seats thing, because, you know, if you just look a bit like that, you're just joshing. No, I mean, but you weren't, though. You were a bit vindictive and spiteful do you want to get back into this

nah nah sorry I'm grieving at the minute you're going to make us cry so I think like anywhere that asks for a shout out even if it's with a DJ or the comedy

it's got to be with a DJ I but yeah Tom Lines from Tom Lines from

Top Dub Time machine and we went watch the ireland match when we're out in new york together i reckon he gets that a lot people asking for shout outs at hot dove oh yeah 8 000 people and it's gonna be like okay guys just want to stop the music jenna i hear you turned 19 today have one on me girl like we can't make we cannot expand your joy to everyone else it's not it's just so

I think if you ask for shout outs it's muggly but I'm going to give someone a shout out right now because he saved my bacon

on Saturday I had a tough double public transport couldn't come and remember when I mentioned my friend who I went to school with

and me and her went into the school nurse and pretended she was pregnant when I was 13. And took one look at me, didn't take her seriously. So she's got a son now who's like 19, Ethan, who gave us a lift from walking where he's from. So the kid that you guys had together, your son drove you. Both me, Ethan, Clayton. Give me a lift. What a legend. My teenage son from when I was a teenager.

So his son gave us a lift to the gig. And he's a huge podcast listener. He's listened to it from the start. And he just found it so bizarre that he'd heard it. Did he not know that story? which one? no he'd heard the story on the podcast

but had he not heard it before the podcast? I don't think so no that must be he'd heard this about his mum we just accidentally mark his mum on the podcast

I mean I guess she didn't get marked that much it was mainly you I text that list and I didn't know it as well alright what are you wearing?

that was my son He looked like So my boy My boy took us to Windsor And he said it was bizarre Because he did like 60 odd hours of podcasts So he knows all of my life And I'm just chatting with him in the car He's like he knows all of my life aye

and I'm just chatting with him in the car he's like so weird you start telling stories and he's like yeah no I start giving him

a couple of exclusives to the car stuff that we know we can't say on the podcast so big shout out to Ethan thanks for the ride

mate also big thanks to Ethan's mum for the ride as well back in the day what's your first local corner my first Barry's ringing us can I answer it

no no no so I kind of date while Barry's ringing can I answer it and hang up no just Barry go away it probably worked it probably worked so Barry look what you've done Muggles

post on Facebook or send your videos directly like videos that when you open them it's the porn screams on the Oreo

we've had this on the podcast before have we done this yeah we absolutely have because we put Brett Vinson in the corner for it Brett vincent's a proper one of those ones maybe i just want to put brett in the corner again all right those ones where you like it's an image you think it's a normal image and then you open it up and it's just a really long dick oh but they've started getting really creative now it doesn't change man did you see the one where it's like guess the

pop culture figures and it's using pixels. Yeah. And it's all like fucking Flintstones and the turtles. And like you're playing this game and you're like, oh, I'm fucking stuck on 12. And then you get the answers and 12's the guy with the big black cock. Have you not seen it? No. Oh my God, it's the best.

And then there's so many creative ones now. I just have to point, you've got something in your teeth it's been bugging me all day no the side one side one one wait I'll just call it a day I mean

I'll just put my lips over my mouth and go you saw the rest of the podcast I'm going to commit the bit oh please don't I am no this will be worse

than when my microphone didn't work it didn't work I mean I didn't turn it on some people go through that, you know. Did they? I absolutely didn't. This is really disrespectful of your gran.

Oh, shit. Yeah. Like, so, the porn type videos. Turn the volume up. Oh, it's just. It's the lowest form of prank. For the people that give up on the podcast where your microphone cut, which is most people.

I think one or two made it through the net. You missed a good one. I missed the dad jokes, didn't I? No. I had... When your dad rides a horse by hanging underneath it for dear life. You missed that one? Go back and listen to the dad jokes, just for me.

His mic's working. Sorry. Screaming during porn. I hate it when you're watching porn and then you open it and it's just like some jovial video of a prank. I mean his mic's working sorry screaming doing porn I hate it when you're watching porn and then you open it and it's just like

some jovial video of a prank I've committed to this the audio's just it's the opposite world I just think it's a very very low form of

prankage as well when it gets in public now who's getting the joy out of it because you know if it gets in public and you open it and it screams,

you're not there to see me react. Is that what's funny, that you just threw it out into the world? Is that where the humour is in it? You've just fucked someone over. That you've just made someone in public get everyone's attention using porn screams. Even though you can't see the result, you can fantasise over. You don't even get the glory of an eye. Must be.

This one is a comedian specific one. Is it? Muggle comedians. I've been guilty of this in the past, but I'm proud to say I haven't done it in like four years, four or five years. But there's a lot of comics that do it, and it's definitely Muggle. Comedians that go any routine that's

I was at the train station and i overheard this thing and then something that absolutely categorically did not happen yes right or and this in the same vein it's the and oh and then this person said the best thing of i've ever heard in my life or did the best thing yeah and it's just a blatant lie and i don't know if the audience can tell i think that's why it's kind of here because i think the audience believe it's just a blatant lie. And I don't know if the audience can tell. I think that's why it's kind of here. Because I think the audience believe it's true. Are you on about when comedians do it on stage, not when they do it on social media? No, when they do it on stage, I think it's a joke.

When it's a blatant lie story. The set-up was just like, I was at the summit the other day. Because, yeah, I don't know how far you want to bring it back. I think we're all capable of going, oh, was it such and such the other day? And making the thing that happened four years ago seem like it was sooner. Yeah, yeah. I'm guilty of that.

I'll bring four. Oh, yeah, yeah. Time-travelling jokes is fine to an extent, right? Yeah. Gareth was one that annoyed me, but only because he didn't change his age. Like, he would be 27, he's like, so I'm 22. I'm like, no, you're not.

Like, I've dated the age. Does he not do one about getting ID'd as well? And now he's like, no one'm 22. I'm like, no, you're not. Like, I've dated the age. And does he not do one about getting ID'd as well? And now he's like, no one's ID'd in Newport. The old cunt. That's one of the jewels, old woman. So can you remember, can you remember when fucking everyone on Facebook was putting, like as comedians tell the story, like, oh, there's a girl on the train doing this. And then comics started doing the, it didn't happen, no, did it? So that was quite funny.

It's like, no matter what the story was, it didn't happen, no, did it? And it just becomes such a good running joke. Didn't happen, no, did it? And then I spoiled it. You did. I spoiled the game for everyone because a comedian put it, it's stuff a bully's daughter being bullied at school.

And how like, when you used to get bullied when we were kids, it stopped when you left school. But now because it's on the internet, like the bullying can continue. So it was a proper shit thing that was going on.

It was a proper shit thing that was going on. And there was a lot of love and support in the comments. And fuck man, I've dealt with bullying in my life. It was a fucking change. I spent a kid growing up in Blythe.

Right? I've kicked a load of people's shit so so give court right i fucking have to i don't like i feel like you were bullied on the last podcast i was bullied on the last podcast you brought it to me didn't you notice like I honestly feel like that I read that and fucking have to struggle with but also that is why

the joke is funny in your head because it's like this is such an inappropriate thing to put it on everyone is being so nice

in the comments therefore the chucks the chucks to position I said didn't happen or did it so nice in the comments. It needs a pop. A little joke. The juxtaposition. I said, didn't happen, did it? And it's not funny.

And then you liked the comment. I liked the comment. You were there with me in the fucking... We were in our stupid little bubble that sometimes happens. We were like, this is hilarious. We were 100% in the wrong. The pain of us you were wrong

for misjudging the joke I was wrong for encouraging you because I also misjudged the joke and then I

liked the comment and then the comedian went there's a time and a place and we both went that's a fair point so I retracted

my like I was like I that's I that's fair what this dick and then I went there like sorry mate nothing but love for you and then like

concise bit of like being bullied I was just trying how hard it is I was just trying to make like a bit I'm gonna delete it out of respect deleted it

but because it was like time and place guy and then me saying that I got a million text messages off comedians saying what the fuck did you say

oh yeah because you took away the thing I took it off but left the damage I left the rubble but not the bomb you left the crater

in fucking every comic just texting this guy what the fuck did you say I was just a dick pic oh my god I have screen caps of the messages I sent

to his daughter yeah so just that thing of like it's a blatant lie and I yeah I just

shit yeah so yeah we've probably done it in the past we'll stand in the corner we'll stand in the corner for that one as well we've got time for one more

okay erm muggles press the toe when they're trying on trainers cos right the tee right

cos what you tee right I'll put on a trainer but that's how you check on my shrimp's lips no no no it's not I'll check on a trainer right I can tell if it fits right cos my shrimp's there. No, no, no, it's not. I'll check on a trainer.

I can tell if it fits because my foot's in it. You know exactly what it feels like when you're footing it. It feels like when you're walking,

whether you press your toe or not. It doesn't matter if you press your toe. You know what you press your toe for when you're fucking

11 years old and you need a little bit of room to grow into. You press your toe and go, all right, you can grow into

that. There's like a thumb's worth of growth left in your shoe. And then you'll crack on and your parents will buy it for you. All right.

If you're doing this as a fucking grown-up, you put your shoe on as a grown-up, right? Like, oh, it fits. I can feel my toes at the bottom of the thing. And if I'm neat again, oh, like, oh, good job. Your toes are there. No, I think it's like...

100% now. No, your feet move. Like, if you're running, right, your feet move inside the shoe. So your toes are going to No, I think it's like... 100% no. No, your feet move. Like, if you're running, right, your feet move inside the shoe, so your toes are going to bang off the end. So if it's too tight, it's going to be wearing tears. I think you can 100% tell if a fucking shoe works on your foot with your foot.

Oh, I mean, like... Like, if I put a glove on, right, I don't even start pressing the fucking fingers doing it on my toe. Oh, but you're not running on your fucking hands. I fucking stop it. That's how you get downstairs on all fours. Even though I've seen me play crab football.

Like, I think your point about like, testing them for measurement is absolutely spot on, because I'm like, oh yeah, probably that is why I check the toes, but. I think you're 100% testing with your foot.

That's what it goes on. Your hands are nowhere near them I mean I don't think I do I don't like if I walked out of the shoe shop thinking oh these are a bit

fucking tight on us I should have pressed them you know they're tight because they're tight you know like imagine you feel your toes are tight right and you press them

and find there's room you can't I mean toes are just being pussies there's loads of room in there that's why I finger girls before I have sex with them I just find them so you can grow into them I just you just been pussies there's loads of room in there that's why I finger girls before I have sex with them I just find them so you can grow into them

I just be like I've got an extra couple of inches so they can grow in there you did a little squeak as well when you said finger them I did

I did I got a day of bashful like if I could like Baby Driver and make a little sample song I'd make a sample song out of your little oh god

you know Rich Massara has just gone off and done it now was he slow retarding me and slow was he slow huh uh i don't like that i think we have to put that one on hold because it is mugly if the case is like that you know your feet don't move in the shoes like if you know what we've done to people now

we've made them conscious of when they do it woke them up to when they do it because that's something you do so instinctively from when you're growing up when you're testing

you need to grow in your shoes right you instinctively do that it's like fucking it's something you've always done all your life and now people are going to be in the shoe shop

and catch themselves doing it they're going to think about it when they do it and they're going. And now people are going to go to the shoe shop and catch themselves doing it. They're going to think about it when they do it and they're going to not know. They're going to get self-conscious. They're going to get self-conscious. I think we've just made a thousand people self-conscious if we're trying their shoes on.

Good. Good. I think it's been too fucking frivolous in the past. So I think we have to put that one on hold in the corner. I think people need to tell us on Twitter if that is bullshit. Is there actually any legit logic by

as an adult pressing on, if there's a fun one, as an adult, is there any logic in that or is that just a relic from when we were growing up that we all still do? Thoughts on a postcard and then take a picture of that poster and tweet it to us. I'm not giving you my address.

Please do, by the way please do right we are on tour so this will be coming out Friday sorry about the

late podcast but Kai's gran died so have some fucking respect would you yeah come on fucking

we're all humans guys oh not anymore mate I'm sorry to any of my family time and place time and place

actually it didn't happen okay so we are in where are we we're in Warrington tomorrow

or today Friday we're in Warrington at the Warrington Arts Centre I'm going to

guess oh Pyramid and Power Hall we're on therearrington at the Warrington Arts Centre, I'm going to guess. Oh, Pyramid and Power Hall. We're on there at 7.30. Come on down to that on Saturday. We're going to be with Ricketts and Milo. We are. Milo McAbee. Oh, we should do a podcast with Milo and Ricketts and get Milo to defend himself because he's

been marked on this podcast a fair bit. Has he ever been on it? No, no, he's not been on it. So we can get Milo and Ricketts on. Tell you what, we'll make up for the last podcast and we'll get Maxwell next week as well. Aye, yeah. Aye, we'll make up for the next two ones. They lied.

Saturday, we're in Derby, the Derby Theatre. Come down, down. Sunday, Wolverhampton, Civic Hall. Tuesday, 21st, Swindon Arts Centre. Wednesday,

Windsor Theatre Royale. Thursday, Cardiff. Matty may be able to come to the Windsor one. Oh, don't threaten me. And Ethan, my son. What? Ethan. Ethan Humphries.

Has he not been to the show? Nobody's at Windsor's way. I'd love to meet your kids. Tough night on the road. You could come. You don't get hangered. Bit of bonding. Bit of father-son bonding.

Bondage. All your parents parents wedding photos are of your dad doing that thing where he puts his arms around himself to make it look like someone else is

making out with him your dad gives one night standsies demo tape your dad's gear stick smells like shit your dad takes kitman off his own tits Your dad's gear stick smells like shit. Your dad takes ketamine off his own tits.

Your dad didn't hold you until three days after you were born because he was banned from the hospital for happy slapping at the ICU. Your dad could have been an athlete if he was a completely different person. Your dad can tell the colour of paint by the taste he can also tell the colour of the paint by looking at

it I've got no idea why he insists on tasting it he's like oh this is blue aye that's blue

aye nah definitely blue your dad has made a man cave in the little cupboard under the stairs it only keeps

the next chalk for the paintings your dad sent me a man cave In the little cupboard under the stairs It only keeps the next chalk for the paintings Your dad sent me a death threat in Comic Sans Your dad puts his dinner in the dog bowl And eats it off the kitchen floor While the dog sits at the table with your mum Remember when I laughed in the car earlier I was writing my dad jokes in the car This is the one that tickled me

Your dad thinks Filipino Is the girl name for Philip. If you chopped your dad's head off, he'd run around for an extra five minutes like a chicken. Your dad's dreams have been shattered so many times, he now only dreams in mosaics. Your dad was a Crown Court judge and he used to straighten the curls on the judge's wig with his mum's GHDs. Your dad's the kingpin on the black market for breast milk. Your dad... what's it say?

When your dad goes to bed, your mom asks him to knock the lights off and he punches her. Your dad's arsehole is an outie. Your dad holds expensive seminars for young entrepreneurs about how to trick people into paying for your service.

Your dad's teeth have crow's feet. Your dad puts lipstick on and kisses his own neck to make your mom jealous because she can't kiss her own neck that was a lot of fun wasn't it

it's like my friends again we're four times apart alright I'm going to go play Call of Duty alright let's do it meet you all online

love you all bye bye