Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.16 (Re-Release) Thick Cast I

Episode Date: November 26, 2018

We've had to drive from Edinburgh to Manchester, tomorrow we've got to drive from Manchester to London, we're currently on the sesh. There'll be an original podcast up once we get back to London so for now here is an old pod where we quiz Elliot Steel to see if he is as thick as he seems (spoiler alert: he is) it's homework for you because we will be doing a brand thick-cast with him in a couple of weeks.

What's up you fucking muggles, it's me, Cream. We fucked up. We didn't record a podcast yesterday, we fully forgot we had a drive to Salford today, which was a long drive, and I'll be honest with you, now we're out partying, and we don't want to do a podcast now. So here's an old episode, which is the thick cast, with the young, beautiful Elliot Steele, where we call him a fucking moron. Just consider this homework, because we're going to get him back on in December and do another thick cast with him, so you fully understand how stupid this piece of shit is.

And we'll also have a new episode out later today or tomorrow. Fuck you, it'll be out. Just grow up. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Tickling muggins straight thuggin living the dream that's our intro fucking muggles

tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack oh muggles accidental

rip job in the park kiss kiss kiss or a majestute cynical just muggled it up on fucking mugglopedia where have you been since 9-11

does Marcellus Mugginsopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Does Marcellus Muggins look like a cream? Say what again? That wasn't the deal. I said, does Marcellus Muggins look like a cream? That wasn't the deal.

The deal was you would stop doing them and then we'd see if there was any backlash to you stop doing them. You said get me five. We've got it on record. You said get me five tweets. We it on record you said get me five tweets

we didn't get five we've had more than five mate you haven't shown me any of them I got one I could tag you through them I've got more than five right

I've got inboxes on Facebook I want to see them after the podcast I've got letters because look I've got given coordinates went and those are little notes

this is why we don't get any new fucking listeners right because what happens is right we get a load of new listeners no we don't get any new fucking listeners right because what happens is we get a lot of new listeners no we don't because they listen to the podcast and they're like

the fuck is this opening bit right I'm going to get my point across about eyebrows that I tried to make last time right because Milo got too caught up

on his own eyebrows because he manicures his and I don't have manicures sure doesn't need a new name it's the same fucking kettle of fish so right so he pedicures his eyebrows so he's like i was trying to make a point about my eyebrows but

milo was like i do my eyebrows and no one notices you don't have eyebrows you can't make a comment i'm like yeah i don't have eyebrows but i still know what the fucking are i can still comment on them right so my comment about eyebrows is that eyebrows is something that you only notice when they're terrible like you don't notice that someone spent a lot of time on their eyebrows because they're spending time on them to like blend in, to look normal, right? If someone doesn't touch their eyebrows, it looks shit, right? So what I was saying is people will notice it if... If it disappears.

Yeah. But we were just saying people notice the start of the podcast because it's shit. And what you're saying is they won't notice the start of the podcast if you don't do that bit because it'll be good that's literally the argument you just made you just turned my metaphor around I've literally used your argument I'm saying I spend a lot of time and attention on my

intros so that no one notices we have a special guest on a special in more ways than one on the podcast today we have a special guest on the special in more ways than one. On the podcast today, we have our good friend Elliot Steele. Hello. Now Elliot, obviously the reason we have you on the podcast is because you're a good friend of ours. That's not the reason.

No, maybe it's not your reason, but our reason for having you on the podcast is you're a very good friend of ours, one of our best friends. You make us laugh to no end. Yep, you're a very good young comedian. I'll change that. You're a very good comedian who happens to be young. Because I always hated that stipulation when I was there. Yeah, but you needed the stipulation for you.

Why do you feel you're on the podcast? Oh, this is already like when I've been called into the head teacher's office. No, you requested to be on the podcast for several months. I feel there has been a lot of slander, lies,

propaganda from Goebbels over here. Is that me or him? Both of you have collected Form 1 Goebbels about my level of intelligence.

That's why he's trying... I think he meant Goebbels. Yeah, he could have said Hitler, but he wanted to show that he had knowledge of the world. Didn't he?

He's like, he's like, year 10 GCSE in the Weimar Republic coming through, smartness ok so we occasionally at least once an episode

reference the fact that you're thick now that's because you're thick ok but my defence is because you said in one of them, right? I've made notes, by the way, about all of the things that have been said about me in a podcast

that I'm about to bring up. Because you can't remember them because you're thick. That's not how thickness works. That's how thickness works, right? I managed to write them down because that's smart. That's at the time,

I'm going to bring this up and rebuttal them. That's smart. Forward planning. See, the thing is, thick people don't know they're thick. Because smart people ask so many questions that they don't know that many answers. If you think you know all the answers, you're not asking enough questions. I'm not saying, come on, let's not lie now. I'm not going to be working for NASA anytime soon.

But this is my point. You said the thing about that I'll drop some knowledge about the USSR yeah and I will but again the thing is I probably will struggle

spelling USSR that's my point no you just did it yeah that's why I had to write it down that was a joke alright well I feel like

it's there's a bunch of reasons we call you thick one your accent does you no favours no it doesn't I mean I'm not really going you think one your accent does you no favors no it doesn't i mean i'm not really gonna jump on that part i'm glad you said it yeah well so everyone could understand it and uh second of all is um i can't remember my second point is your accent is stupid oh no i think it's fine like because in the the group that we have the way bullying works

right with amongst friends is that you lump some to someone, no matter how true or not it is. There'll be a shred of truth to it, but then that just becomes the ongoing joke. Like I'm the sexy one. Yeah, I mean, that is literally the ongoing joke. We all call Barry fat. Barry's not fat. One of us called him fat once. Barry's fat.

That's the joke. Oh my God. I fully consider myself Scottish. Barry's not fat. One of us called him fat once. Barry's fat. That's the joke. Oh my God. I fully consider myself Scottish. It's border England. There's the whole debate about whether I'm Scottish or English. So in the group, the joke says,

that you're English. There's six English people there. You're the English one. Tom lives in the Tower of London. I'm the English one. But I've got about eight different things that you don't.

I've got big nose. You've got the same. We've both got big noses. Like if we were to Eskimo kiss, it would be like the Hadronka. Oh, no. That would be a pro. Man, if we ever 69,

for whatever reason, lost a bet or won a bet, both of our noses would be in each other's arseholes. As much as I'd love to say it as an experiment, I'm not going to third wheel while you two Eskimo kiss. So I've already got I've got big nose I could fight I could deal with that

I could deal with stuff about my appearance I've got I've got the thing about needing a haircut you do need probably

that's a personal decision to grow my hair being a lightweight no I this is where I'll stand I was antagonising him Elliot ain't lightweight he can bang with the best of them

he's choosing not to right now though you've made 50 days sober you've made the very adult decision This is where I'll stand. I was antagonising him. Elliot ain't lightweight. He can bang with the best of them. He's choosing not to right now, though. You've made 50 days sober. You've made the very adult decision to cut back on your drinking. Hold on, the very alcoholic decision. It's an alcoholic decision. Yeah, but it's very hard to get an alcoholic teenager. It's been 50 days now.

I'm going to go for 100, then I'm going to have a drink. Oh, wait, I might have a 50p on me to give you for your 50 days sobriety thing. You also own 50p for the past you just bought it you could just say i'm gonna pay for me dinner right here's here's 60 right now the pressure's on for this next 10 days but you made the very adult slash alcoholic decision to uh but but i'm not gonna i'm not gonna you know go on about that about how because you said something to me early on about you know don't be the guy that bangs on about it.

And I think that's a fair point. Because when people make that decision, I've not done any Facebook or Twitter post or anything like that. You're doing it for you. I'm doing it for... It's like people waving their veganism. Except I will come onto a podcast

and talk about it to the people. I mean, I brought it up. And he did antagonise you into it, so you're fully able to defend yourself. So that's three things I've got already. So I've been called a lightweight, been called big nose, haircut, right? This is the first ten minutes on the podcast, and now stupid. It's because you're the cunt of the litter.

No, obviously, we'll continue with the podcast, but we thought we would give you... What? We've written a little a little test for you I can see one of them's already chemistry no chemistry's not how smart you are man

no no we've got a bit of everything can you swap here so I can chemistry's like right but it's all it's look it's not just chemistry it's all forms of knowledge

right so but can I make my point why I might not seem the smartest of people right and this is this is sort of a long point yeah but there'll be people out there

who listen to podcasts who feel the same I'm oh no they're all idiots I don't reach out to them your mam listens to this she's a scientist oh yeah

fuck that's a good point but she's not listening to it because she's a scientist she's listening to it because it's Daniel yeah and Kai as well

oh you left it hanging there but She's not listening to it because she's a scientist. She's listening to it because it's Daniel. Yeah. And Kai as well. Oh, you left a tongue in there. But I'm not like, I'm never, when I was at school, I never paid attention because I knew I was never going to do anything academic. Right. Like I knew, like school to me was like, I just turned up, saw my mates and fucked about. Right.

That's what it was. And I could coast my GCSEs. Like I was in bottom set for most things until the last year because I could do well in the test I was just like I'm not going to sit in class and do work so I just moved to bottom set to me it just sounds like you went to a thick school I've proper thick there's not much credit for being a smart kid in my school okay um, okay. So, I just never paid attention there. So, that bit of life, like, I lost out on learning, like, basic stuff. Yeah. Like.

General knowledge. Throw-ins. Short passes. We were all right at football, actually. Yeah, to be fair, we have rumbled you here because I often think intelligence isn't necessarily or, you know, to me, intelligence is defined by, like like what information can you learn and can you apply that knowledge therefore like academically i'll agree that i'm not that smart but the reason i would defend my intelligence because if you explain something to me i'll be able to understand it explain it back and then

use that whatever i've learned for future which brings me to something that you said on the podcast about me you said stills intelligence is that it's when still says something smart it's like seeing a rose in the arctic right somebody's dropped it there's not what do you think intelligence is it's just people telling me other things and then like i'm meant to go do all the studies myself and stuff yeah but that's that means like any facts that you have you've just been told it doesn't mean like yeah yeah but you could have just you could have surveyed you know you could have learned how to plant roses in the arctic and if you have you've just been told it doesn't mean like yeah but you could have just you could have you know you could have learned how to plant roses

in the Arctic and if you did you're a fucking idiot you would stand by it like why would you read the book when you could watch TV but that's because

I am that level of thick because you can't you can't like read a book while texting you can have TV in the background while texting the problem with me

with reading a book is right so the last book I read was we need to talk about Kevin and I didn't finish it like I've got 50 pages to go this is oh you did better than me i got two pages and i was like it's proper good too too many oh too many words she got proper wordy i was like all right fuck it we've all got thesaurus like a little bit oh i very no no no shanter ram was just unnecessarily descriptive like i don't i get what you mean like it is it

is a little bit like someone's writing by the way writing like a gcse sort of thing and then like oh i better show off i know how to do descriptions yeah but i i got like 50 pages from the end and then something happened in the book and it made me a bit sad so i was like oh i don't want to finish it and then my sister just told me what happened in the end and i was like oh well there's no point continuing and then i also saw the film was on Netflix. And I'm like, it's like me with Harry Potter. I always said it's about Harry Potter. The films caught up to me.

So I thought I'll just save everyone a bit of time. You can save all the time just by reading the synopsis on IMDb. I still got to read it though. A story, like any story could be like a thousand pages or like three sentences. But then I'll read something like I'm interested in. Like I read a book called Inside Scientology where I read up all about Scientology.

I mean, yeah, but thick people are in Scientology. Yeah, but I wasn't a pamphlet I got handed. It was a book like The Bunk in Scientology. Oh, right, okay, right. I've not found sobriety

through Scientology. Because others are like, look, I'm not thick. I found religion, right? Scientology, the smartest of all of them. You know what's brilliant? I think we first started calling you thick

as your spelling errors on the WhatsApp. They're exceptional. They're not even spelling. No, no, no. I'm going to get to it. Do you want me to put in? They're exceptional. I wish I could remember some of them,

but it came to die of beaties instead of diabetes. Yeah. It's not what you think it is. It's not what you think that word is. So it's not a spelling error. It's like an actual misinterpretation of the word or words. I used to think... You think something that's one word is three words.

That ain't dyslexic. And then I spoke to your dad, he was like, he's not dyslexic, he's just thick as fuck. I was like, dad? You've defended your spelling, but you've been dyslexic. I've asked your dad,

he's like, he's not dyslexic. But can I say the thing with dyslexic? I got diagnosed dyslexic when I... So i went to a decent sixth form i didn't last that long because i'm thick but that's the admission we got you in for right that was elliot steel we've cancelled the guest now i mean i i was doing psychology history and media studies right and they let me finish media studies And I still got an E And that's just not what films are Can you get an E? I thought it was

A, B, C, D and Just F, I don't think you can get an E Are you so dyslexic That you got an F and you read it as an E You can get a G can't you Oh in Scotland you can only get A, B, C, D or F There's no E

U, ungradable I got that in a week can't you? Oh, in Scotland you can only get A, B, C, D or F, there's no E. Then U is the Ungradable. I. I got that in a week and I looked it around. Oh, I did that. Okay, that's a free GCSE. I just wanted

funny answers hoping it would end up in next year's newspaper. That's one note you put in when you go for a job interview and they're like how many GCSEs you got? You're like,

oh, he got me into double digits. Right, I totally agree with you that this test probably isn't inaccurate look the thing is it's up to the audience to decide whether

you're intelligent or not I've kind of stumped you here because we've got chemistry, geography general knowledge math, history, spelling and then a bonus round of Elliot questions

okay what is at the centre of the nucleus? right that's in I'm going to pass on this one, Chris. The answer is protons and neutrons. Which is more dangerous, carbon monoxide

or carbon dioxide? Carbon monoxide. Correct. You know, I've got questions about that one, because carbon dioxide would be very dangerous to you if there's no oxygen in the air. Carbon monoxide in general is just very dangerous. The if there's no oxygen in there yeah but carbon dioxide in general is just very dangerous like it's what's the

question is what it's like what's the most dangerous oxygen or carbon monoxide and like if there was an open flame oxygen's gonna be

fucking way more dangerous to you because you're gonna sit on fire because it needs the oxygen it's not two points for showing you're working out

oh yeah it's got a point I've got it right you know your chemistry I'll defend Kai as well Kai's not fit I'll say you're working out Oh yeah, he's got a point You know your chemistry I'll defend Kai as well, Kai's not fit I'd say Kai's on the same level of intelligence as Daniel Which is fucking a shame for you Because I grew up in Blythe, mate

I should know more My mum and dad are just like Okay, what should you never eat for breakfast? Shredded wheat No, dinner There are some trick questions in here the main use of salt in the diet is to a make food taste better b produce small amounts of hydrochloric acid required for the digestion of food c is the process of cooking or d increase the solubility

of food particles in water okay so i actually know a little bit about this at the moment okay do you know the answer no but i can bore you on knowledge with salt right because it's actually called sodium yep right yeah i keep going well when you look laugh like that it gets it's just it's that was the most base level fact about salt, other than it's white. Like it was, I'm going to pour you. It goes with pepper. It's the second key ingredient

of ready salty crisps next to potato. So sodium, when it's in your body, it's what keeps a lot of water in your body. So when you have to for fighters when they have to cut weight and stuff they have to cut all salt out of their diet yeah what what were the choices again make food taste better it definitely does that but that's but there's another reason produce small amounts of hydrochloric acid required for the digestion of food ease the process of cooking or increase solubility of food particles and water i'm

gonna go with increased solubility of pork particles in water I'm going to go with Increase solubility of No it's produce small amounts of hydrochloric acid No you're wrong I'm absolutely not wrong Oh okay sorry Okay Final question in chemistry

Right Coal is composed of which element? Coal If you crush coal it becomes a diamond Right That's also not an element Right It's made of charcoal so If you crush coal, it becomes a diamond. Right, that's also not an element. Right.

It's made of charcoal, so... What was the question, Nick? Which element? Coal is composed of which element? What element makes coal? Yeah. Fire. This is a fucking cut and play. Point me fair. Yeah, fire This is a fucking Cup of blood Potentially fail Carbon

Like the element That's the best I couldn't have expected A more earlier answer How are you expecting me to know the whole periodic table? Well, it should be. It would mark all the other ones. Every time there's a periodic table.

It's not a league table. Find me one thing on the periodic table. You've got potassium, which is periodic table like you've got potassium which is K then you've got that one that you drop in the water and they act like no no

the one in science that they make you drop in the water and they're like oh this is really dangerous there's seven of those they're alkaline metals right yeah and they're on that far side

which is the like yo don't go near this side yeah no he's right I'm saying find me one of them one of them that will win a fight with fire

fire's in it's own league can I put water's not in it water would beat it yeah yeah but by your by your argument of elements

water is on the table and that does beat fire no I'd say that's like a sort of you know no if fire's an element water's an the table and that does beat fire no i'd say that's like a sort of you know if fire is an element water is an element water and fire is like united city like you're not going to be able to call who's going to win it but someone's going to get it that season do you know what i mean well that's definitely a component we're definitely coming across thick as well i'm not no i was if he's saying fire is an element what is it yeah weather okay geography

oh no no this isn't going to be good no one of them i reckon you'll do quite well on What is an element? Oh, yeah. What is an element? Elements of weather. Okay. Geography. Oh, no, no. This isn't going to be good. No, one of them I reckon you'll do quite well on. Boop Day is the Spanish equivalent of what day in Britain? Steak and blowjob day. Good answer, but no, it's April Fool's Day. Okay.

Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? Mount Fiji? No, Mount Everest. Just because it wasn't discovered doesn't make it any less tall. No, that's not... But like, that might not be true, because what if there's a mountain we haven't discovered that's taller than Mount Everest? What do you mean if there's a mountain we haven't discovered?

What if it's an underwater mountain? That means it's below sea level. That means it's not very tall. Yeah, yeah. But you get taller mountains underwater. But it's not. Yeah, but it is. It's still way lower than Everest. But if we're talking on sea level, he did make a good point, there are bigger mountains technically...

But on sea level Everest is taller. Because it's out of the sea, it's so tall. No, no, no, but it's like if you... Because... Ridge is down to the base. Because Daniel sat on the sofa and I'm sat down, Daniel's taller than me. Is that how it works? Ridge is down to the...

No, because that fucking... Everest ain't going to just stand up. No, no, if something's bigger, it's bigger. You're talking about, like, the peak to the sky, but, like, if you were to measure from the top to the base... No, from the centre of the sun, from the centre of the Earth, to the peak. Yeah.

It doesn't matter if it's underwater or not. Everest is way taller if Everest was shorter it would be underwater allow me to explain what you're not getting right I'm getting it

you're not from peak to base from base to peak the base is the fucking bottom of the sea Everest no it's not because it doesn't

start at the bottom of the sea drain the earth go as low as you can go drain the earth and I'm on trial here for being drain right like it's hypothetical you could go right but the fact that Drain your And I'm on trial here For being Drain Right

Like it's a hypothetical A hypothetical You could make all right But the fact that We're having to speak In hypotheticals Is like Oh my god

This is like when I'm Filling the cup again For you When I fill the cup Under the podcast Right So just to clarify You think that

If something's underwater It could be taller Than Everest No I'm saying A whale bigger than a snail... What's this? Because it's under water,

is it not as big as a snail? That's the worst! This is wonderful. This is just wonderful. But that's your logic. I mean, no, he's completely negated my logic. Everyone is screaming at the peri right now. Not me.

No, no, because if it's under water, get where you're coming from. Like, because you're from the base, but where is the base of Everest really the base the base eventually you'll keep going lower

and lower yes of course of course then you can go underwater and underwater until you reach the depth of the

yeah but what I'm saying is there will be in like whether it's geology or whatever like what I'm saying is

that would just be a foothill to the beach oh yeah some of them would be fully fucking submerged it's total bullshit

so the highest mountain is that one. He's still got the question wrong. Next one. I'm still fake. But also, we are just all coming across as really retarded right now. I'm not. I'm bringing myself down with Elliot. You definitely failed on that one.

I didn't. Anzac trips come from which two countries? What? Anzac trips come from which two countries? Anzac. Anzac. Clues in the name, kind of. It sounds a little bit like South American. No. Oh, okay. Then I'm going to go... They have an Anzac Day, the country

is in question. All right. And they have Anzac cookies. Oh, man. You might as well have asked me where the Anzac cookies come from and then be like, oh, they have an Anzac army. And I'll be like, I don't know yeah the answer is okay wait wait wait I'm just gonna take a guess yeah the Congo

just um you know they've got an army that I haven't really heard of New Zealand and Australia oh yeah what is the capital of Australia New Zealand and Australia. Oh, yeah. What is the capital of Australia?

It's not... It's that place that no one really knows of. It's that other one. I don't know the name. It's like Darwin. Canberra. Yeah. Okay.

So if you get eight of these, I'll give you the point. What 14 countries were in the Soviet Union? This is your category, by the way. Okay, 14 countries in the Soviet Union. So you had Russia, Kazakhstan, Poland. Nope. Poland was invaded by... It wasn't invaded, but what was in the Soviet Union?

What was it? Pardon? Poland wasn't part of the Soviet Union. Was it not? No. Okay. What was it? Pardon? Poland wasn't part of the Soviet Union. Was it not? No. Okay. Lithuania? Yes. The thing is,

I don't know many countries, right? But this is the good thing about the Soviet Union and why I liked it. It got rid of a lot of other countries. You just had to know one place instead of 14 others, didn't it? So you liked the Soviet Union because it made geography easier?

Fuck yeah. Like, oh, where are you going? Soviet Union. Oh, all right, which part?

Oh, you know, east. The left. Um, yeah, okay, so one second.

You've gone, you've gone Russia, Lithuania. Yeah. And you said Kazakhstan. Wait, I'm going to have a pop with a few to help you out. No. One second, I think I can get this.

You've got 11 more to go. Yeah, no, I'm not going to make all 14. We've worked that out. If you get five. If I get five, that'd be good. Five more. Oh, what? Yeah, it was up to eight.

Okay. Oh, man. Lith, it was up to eight. Okay. Lithuanians in the regional. Yeah, I'm trying to think of all those other eastern countries. I'm going to have to buzz you out. What's it called? That's the game. I want to hear what this is. It begins with an M.

It does. That place. Moldova an M. It does. That place. Moldova. Malta as well. No, Moldova. Moldova, Moldova. Oh, my God. Right, so I'm going to go Estonia, Latvia, Uzbekistan.

Did that get said? No, you said it. No, you said Kazakhstan, didn't you? So we've got Lithuania. We've got... The big one. We're got... The big one. We're almost in the big one. No, no.

You said Russia. Okay, the second big one. Ukraine. There you go. Shit, so that, yeah. In Moldova, Georgia. Georgia, correct. And these are the tough ones.

It gets hard. You've got Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, and Azerbaijan. Okay, we're on to general knowledge Elliot because it's going so well a caravan is a group of which animals I can't say that a caravan

yeah I'm gonna say cows camel it's a herd of cows. But my logic there was, on Fallout 3... Brilliant start. When they have the two-headed cow thing, it's called the caravan. Okay.

They call it the caravan. No, they don't call it the caravan. They are the caravan. I know. When I first did it, I thought you could get caravans in the game, but it turns out it was just two-headed cows. What two words, when combined, hold the most letters? Anti-distablishmentarianism.

Yeah. The answer is actually post office. What? Which two words, when combined, hold the most letters? Post office. I thought it was like, what has the most letters? No, it was a trick question. What holds the most letters? Post office. I thought it was like what has the most letters. No, it was a trick question. What holds the most letters?

An ampersand is the sign for which word? Clues in the name. A what? The ampersand is a symbol. Do you know exclamation mark? That's a symbol. There's a symbol called an ampersand. And so it's a symbol for...

Are we really going to have to dumb this down here? Right, so an exclamation mark is the upside down I. Question mark is the... Yeah, question mark. The mark is the upside down I. Question mark's the... Yeah, question mark. The hook was the Dutch sign. Yeah, so the name of this symbol is called the ampersand. What is the symbol of? Man, I've never heard of that.

It's the word and, you know, the little... Oh, that's what it's called. Yeah, it's called an ampersand. Interesting. If we're not laughing, we're learning on this podcast, aren't we? Oh, we're definitely laughing. You'll get this one. In rhyming slang

What are mince pies? Right again I'm from South London So the cockney thing doesn't work I don't know You are cockney I'm not I'm from South London

It doesn't Potato potato Natalie's more cockney than me From Glasgow But she lives in East London The definition of a cockney is you live within the

bow bells the ring of the bow bells so I don't know is it Vince Fies no eyes what are the fuck are Vince

Fies I don't know I don't know cockney rhymes why would Vince Fies be a cockney because you

might as well have asked me what it was in Japanese it's a different language Vince Fies is in English. No, because if you just need to rhyme something, you would go, right, so probably ice.

No. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? Constantly checking her WhatsApp. No, a widow. Oh, that's brought the mood down. Come on. These were meant to be light and jolly ok math

what is your topic it was Soviet Union yeah but you didn't really ask me any questions about it well maybe they'll come and play it Vietnam War I'm good on who won everyone

it depends what you define by winning Hollywood We got the good films And they got bombed Well yeah I think the North Vietnamese won After 7 Which is the next prime number?

I've never understood prime numbers. Right, I'll explain it. You can still get it. It's a number that can only be divided by one and itself. So it can't be split into other things. I'll give you a clue. The next one isn't nine because you can divide that by three. I was going to be my guest.

But you can divide that by three. was gonna be my guest maybe you can divide that by three right okay 11 correct yeah thank you 7-11 for advertising on the u.s it's subliminally making me go for that how many colors are in the rainbow Richard of York oh what's the rhyme again Richard of York oh I'm going to go 7 correct I've never I've never heard that one because here's how

I was hoping you did the same stupid thing I did once right which is I got asked alright so the batteries ran out on the podcast device, so it saved Elliot's blushes a little bit, actually. I got everything right.

All the questions after. And then what happened, right, is I got so much right, and then you guys were like, oh, now we're going to have a little experimentation round. You're allowed to do something. And I made like a, I drew on the wall and proved why there isn't a God. Goodwill hunting style with the equations

and shit a load of aliens came down and were like yo bro do you want to be like king of the universe but i was like i've got to finish the podcast and then and then we um we were like oh our face is red now so actually pretending to run out of batteries yeah so we did there was two more rounds uh fortunately uh you know i think you got some of them right no i've got none of them i'm just trying to save your blushes there. My favourite one was, your bit at the end there, you tried to basically be like,

I'll ask you a bunch of questions, then we're like, go ahead. What are the two main elements in the sun? You couldn't think of any questions, and then you went, what are the two main elements in the sun? And Kai guessed hydrogen and oxygen, and then you lost confidence

because Kai said it was such confidence. But you were right, it was hydrogen and helium. What was your logic for why it was helium? It's why the sun floats isn't it it's got bare bare helium bare helium

no it's not it's not look it's not my logic but it's it's

if you said that to me in a pub I'd believe it yeah but that's what that's what knowledge is sometimes the road but sometimes If you said that to me in a pub, I'd believe it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's what knowledge is. No, it's not. But sometimes the rose dropped into the Arctic is not meant to be the rose, is not the right rose.

Maybe it's not a rose. Maybe it's a daffodil, but you think it's a rose because you've never seen a rose before. Just to cut your bullshit right there, I want to say... We just want to apologise. So you only missed about five minutes of it. We'll definitely have another quiz. This can easily become a regular game.

A featured podcast. Because you can go studying things. I'm not going to do that. I didn't do that for fucking A-levels and that would have got me somewhere. If you did study, it wouldn't be as funny. When it cut off, we were like, oh shit, we might have lost loads.

But we'd only lost like five minutes or so, right? But the reason we're back in the game, even though the batteries ran out, we... Where did you get the batteries from, Kai? Thanks, Natalie.

We're in Natalie's house right now and we're trying to get out the lightbox, the little muggle lightbox that's there. And those batteries ran out because

she's always using those. Yep, and then... Tried the remotes. Found a filter. Found a vibrildo. Found a vibrator, to be specific. So we hooked it up to the car generator.

So today I have a podcast on Natalie's dildo's petrol generator. To be fair, when you were like, I'll get them out of Natalie's dildo, I'm like, those will be more dead. Can I just say say for someone who's on a podcast being accused of being thick I'd have charged the batteries

of the thingy before they were brand new batteries oh really oh but then I found out in further development you were so stupid Kai said

maybe it's when I dropped it the other day oh I fell out my bag oh right I wasn't your bag because I didn't unzip it

like to put something in but I hadn't zipped it up fully so when i was dragging my suitcase along it popped out it's a it's a human error i didn't know who the amseccas or something were called you were fucking so stupid you drained all the power from the device you fucking struggled to really anyway so um i natalie's dildo come to save the day genuinely and uh she's not gonna thank me for saying that but, you know, I bought her this as a gift a while back she asked us to park a car in a specific place, this is when she lived in Glasgow

and I parked her car and you said go fuck yourself I parked her car in a place that I found but not the specific place she said, but the place where I parked it was this like really fucking derelict bit of wasteland right in the middle of Glasgow like this

old building site that they'd stopped building on and when she went to get it I told her where it was when she went to get it

the car window had been put in someone stole the stereo who fucking steals stereos this day and age let's get a fucking

iPod so someone bricked the window and stole the stereo and she phoned me up crying but I was asleep because I'd been

on a session the night before so she rang us like I didn't wake up, and then when she finally got through to it, she calmed down a bit, but she still totally blamed it on me that I can't get broken into. So I tried to cheer her up by playing out a dildo. Apparently an inappropriate gift. So if you're at home wondering why is the lovely Natalie marrying Kyle Humphries,

I have another story for you that is going to turn this, why is she very Yeah, so I've been on this podcast, I've been accused of being stupid and thick and I've not done myself any favours and I will say I'm not the brightest whatever one

in the thing it's meant to be Another braised tool in the shed I'm not the brightest star in the sky because I haven't got much helium in me. Kai, what happened the other day? I'm not very well. While you were having a gentleman's play.

Look, I know where you're going with this. I'm a step ahead of you. You're trying to throw me under the bus for being unwell. No. That's not why you're here. I would never make fun of you for being sick. I wouldn't make fun of you if you, let's say,

shat yourself while wanking. You had a shank? You had a shank? Because I'm not very well. You had a shank? Right. You shat wank? How does it, like...

This is what I was saying in the group and then it got smudged over because I probably made a spelling mistake. How do you, like, be be mid-wang and then go, how do you not realise you're about to shit yourself? There's two feelings your body gives that you know is happening.

One, you're about to cum. The other one, you're about to shit. And you're not going to mix them two up. They come from two different places. Have you ever had diarrhoea? No, but I've had a wank and not shat myself you're still young yet boy i'm 12 years on you you can blame our diarrhea but the way you told me the story was you were having one i'll tell you the story right go on then right so this is the thing with diarrhea

right yeah you know that you can't trust a fart but the first one the first one you don't know you've got diarrhea so you just fart willy-nilly right sometimes sometimes i can creep up on the strangest tape so i didn't feel very well i woke up in the morning this is how i know i didn't feel very well i didn't go to breakfast and it was a free continental breakfast on the hotel so i knew i was i was sick right and it's approaching 12 o'clock which is checkout time and we're in wolverhampton and i feel like fucking death but i've got to get showered. I've got to get out of there. And when I was getting changed for my shower,

I thought, you know what? I'll give myself a little rub, cheer myself up. Right? Right? Because you know what? Sometimes you can't be bothered with a wank, but sometimes once you have one,

you're like, oh, glad I did that. But sometimes a wank can be bothered with you. Treat myself. Right. So I was treating myself to a wristie, and then, you know,

I wasn't just going to let me fucking gas build up like there's no one else in the room whom I try to hide my shame from I let out a little fart and when I farted mid wank

I was like oh no did you continue with the wank no no I postponed it as much as you can say it got rained off I rain checked it I was like I'll finish this once I've had this wipe put a pin in it or a cork I postponed it. As much as you can say it got rained off.

I rain checked it and I was like I'll finish this once I've had this wipe. Put a pin in it or a cork. So I sat down to finish my poo which I'd started mid-wank.

Oh my god, this is horrible. Still with a boner? This is the worst because like Really? That's the worst bit? Yes.

This is the worst bit because like i went to finish like to have a poo right i didn't know i had the shits until like i thought it was like oh and then you sit down well you piss when you when you poo when you've got a bone and it's like hard to get it like pointing at the porcelain it's like pointing upwards so here i am trying to fucking manipulate me pissed in me diarrhea i'm sorry everyone listening I'm so sorry but when I was trying to do that and I looked down on the floor

and I saw a little brown smudge on the floor like a wet smudge a solid smudge a wet patch of like wet fart the wet fart had landed

on the floor I'm actually really sorry I brought this up I'm not because I've got someone else to bring up after me and I

so I cancelled the wank like it went from being postponed to cancelled I still haven't picked it up actually and huh

much public expired by now if you finish now you'll get sick again well I'm still very sick actually I think it's something very unsympathetic

how was your was your fiancée sympathetic when you shat the bed I mean I don't think she knows does she not know well because I didn't shit the bed what I heard is you shat the bed I mean I was in think she knows does she not know well because I didn't shit the bed what I heard is

you shat the bed I mean I was in bed when I shat I mean I don't want to get to so what it landed in your boxers or so I just like

I walk up and like go to bed with my ass wake up with wet fingers wake up with wet fingers so Wake up with wet fingers. So I woke up and I clearly, like, I was at the point now where I didn't trust a single fart. You should be like that all the time.

Like, I don't know how that's not. But sleeping Kai didn't get the memo. Sleeping Kai didn't get the memo. And sleeping Kai clearly just farting away in his sleep. And I woke up with a wet bum and a confused girlfriend and it's meant to be a confused girlfriend a wet bum I'm recycling banter I hadn't text getting it wrong so yeah I woke up to the wetness the dampness and I like John Wayne

into the bathroom and I threw my boxes away and I had a wash in the shower and then I discreetly checked the bedding and saw that the bedding was still pristine and clean the way my fiance made it for me getting home nice and clean all nice and clean and I climbed back into bed and then she found out on the podcast Honestly She's also going to find out What's happened to her dildo She's going to be sitting there With the podcast in

Lying in bed She's going to get her dildo out And be like Right old habits right She always Listen to the podcast And dance herself off She's going to shove up there

And be like Why is this Oh you bastards I reckon that's why The parties were dead on the fucking podcast because we're probably just passing them back and forth. We'll probably just keep swapping batteries until they're on my podcast device.

Tickle on the clit inside your head, that makes you come. That makes you laugh. Do you feel better? No, I feel like death. But why do you still trust Farts? I trust Farts because 99.9999% of them have gone ahead and just been shits. Aye, 99.9999% of mine are just normal farts, but I fart way more. Nah, yours is...

Like, there's more farts that are shits, but there's a higher percentage. I just don't understand, like, okay, I was having this conversation. When we found this information out, we had to leave a game of Call of Duty. Like, it was like... Oh, you're telling me dad. No, your dad wasn't online. Yeah, but he's also found out about the podcast. He found out about the podcast.

He's just happy we didn't take the batteries out of his dildo. I don't understand how, as an adult male... So I can count four stories of you shitting yourself, and I know there's more I know there's like from from the and let's

let's go from the age of 18 from being a society deems you you're a grown man how do you

like you're 34 that's I know how to live actually it's not your poos size I don't understand how people you're fucking age Not your pooh size I don't understand How people

Shit themselves You fucking lectured me For I would shit myself Because I just got Lectured on the podcast They didn't hear it Because I couldn't Spell Mississippi

M-I-S-S-I-S-M-P-P-I I-P-P-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-M But how can you do that And then like Claim you're smarter than me And then shit yourself Wait one I didn't know

I was going to shit myself I was just trying to have a wank But that's That's even worse You haven't even made The conscious decision To shit yourself I one I didn't know I was going to shit myself I was just trying to have a wank but that's even worse you haven't even made the conscious decision to shit yourself I'm very ill if anyone wants to know

you hasn't shit themselves you lie to yourselves really for ages you've never been ill it's like a baby no but when I'm ill I just be like oh I'm probably

going to shit myself I'll go to the toilet I don't just decide oh I might shit myself what I'll do is I'll crack open the laptop light a candle i don't

think you understand the extent of how i am the whole house goes off i was spewing all over as well when i yeah i think i've been very brave actually i mean put up with this nonsense uh if anyone wants to know why we don't do much for podcasts most podcasts what they do is they get like a quote there's all shirts and they'll put the quotes on the shirt and that's what they do is they get like a quote, there's all shirts, and they put the quotes on the shirt, and that's what they sort of sell. I don't think we can sell, I shot myself a wanking shirt. A podcast powered by Natalie's dildo. Yeah, speaking of her sponsor.

Natalie's sexual ungratification. Noise reducing QC35 dildo. What's noise reducing when you put it up there? What I'm, like, I've got a there the car got broke into in 2013

still battery left she's obviously changed them I don't know

I found it in a dusty box you can't call it a dusty box

that's very racist at minimum You can't call a vagina a dusty box. That's very racist, admittedly. Oh, Natalie, still Marius, please. Right, shall we get on to our muggle corners? I can tell your one's going to, as always, everything you do leads to a debate. Because I'm smart, I like to discuss things.

Right, go on alright so it's just one muggle corner each one muggle corner each yeah it's a straight one okay

alright I had a couple here um muggles call other people's football teams shit when they are glory hunters I concur

no this is uh there's a lot to I'll let you explain this is shots fired yeah no no no but I think I'm technically almost in the clear, but I'll allow you to make your argument.

Okay. This all started on a sunny day when I was on a train to Manchester. I had to connect it to the Wi-Fi, paid for the Wi-Fi, I was keeping up with the football score because I support a team called Crystal Palace. If you haven't heard them, we know why.

We're not doing very well in the we're we're not doing very well in the league like we're not doing very well at all and up until this point we hadn't scored a goal in like nine games so

and we're playing Chelsea last year's champions so I'm like and my team and Daniel's team so I'm like I'll just check the score every night

and I'm just on the train and I look and there's a text from my dad and it's just like we've scored and then Chelsea score and we score again so of course I'm just on the train and I look and it's a text from my dad and it's just like we've scored and then Chelsea score and we score again so of course

I'm in the WhatsApp group chatting absolute shit because I should be able to Daniel kicked me from the WhatsApp group power hungry I will admit here right in hindsight

now that I've had a lot of time to think I was absolutely in the wrong in that situation right I got very sensitive right we were in Jersey right I think it was an early start it was really grumpy also now that I've had a lot of time to think, I was absolutely in the wrong in that situation, right? I got very sensitive, right? We were in Jersey, right? I think it was an early start. It was really grumpy.

Also, you know how to wind me up more than anyone else on this planet. And I absolutely bit. I absolutely bit. I hold my hands up, right? And admit what I did was wrong. He totally got you back because you slaughtered him for having a shit team. And then Scotland got put out.

So he started doing your exact shtick to him for having a shit team. then Scotland got put out so he started doing your exact shtick to him for having a shit team and you spit your dummy out Mark Nelson was in the whatsapp Mark Nelson nearly killed himself and Gareth, though I will stand by like with, yeah I gave you shit about Palace because of the shit

you'd given rightfully about Palace beating Chelsea so I gave you that shit in return and then you did transfer to the international one where I understand why you did but I was like could you be a bit more good about Scotland

like it's very sensitive in fact I'll admit this the international thing happened before Palace and Chelsea no it did because I was chatting shit because you said to me

Palace are playing Chelsea this weekend watch how much shit I chat when we beat you that's what happened so then when I was on the train the plot thickens

I started I started chatting loads of shit that's what happened so then when I was on the train I started chatting loads of shit that's what happened anyway so we're in a

whatsapp group with a handful of comedians who have been regular guests on this podcast who majority are glory seekers

you've got Arsenal and Chelsea fans from Scotland you've got Liverpool fans from Ireland he's from Ireland

and he's meant to be like not all are up the raw not all up the Rarsnal right and then he's like to me

he was like going to me oh I support Arsenal more than you support Palace and he's like oh Palace are shit and I'm like

well how many times have you won a Champions League oh zero I'm like oh well my team's won it loads of times who do you support

Real Madrid because I'm just going to choose a team from another country as well I will argue Mikey said the reason you support Real Madrid because I'm just going to choose a team from another country as well I will argue my case here the reason I support Chelsea is because I was

brought in kicks upon Thames so when I was it's funny how you like you really deny being English when people are saying you're English right but the minute your football team comes in

which by the way you started supporting them on Roman Ivanovic's takeover which is so convenient it's so like you didn't even know who Ranieri was when he fucking started

managing Leicester and he actually took Chelsea through some fucking hard times, you didn't even know who Ranieri was when he fucking started managing Leicester. And he actually took Chelsea through some fucking hard times. First of all, I absolutely knew who Ranieri was because I did my research into it. The reason was I supported East Fife and Hibs, right, which are still my two fucking main teams, right? So I do not, look, I've been to several East Fife games and it's the worst thing in the world.

It's just, love the team, love the fans, but we get gubbed so fucking regularly. Like, we went up one season, we go back down, right? in my team supports celtic and rangers and everyone starts supporting an english football team right english premier league is the best league in the world right i'm not just going to sit on the outside right and just go i'll not support anyone just pick and choose what you love about us but no one no one no one my point is no one started supporting in scotland so went ask i'm gonna pick aston villa and Aston Villa it's like you all happen to pick

the top four teams that's why I love Nelson Nelson picked Everton it's like you want it to struggle yeah yeah closest to like my fucking

birthplace I went what is the team no that would be Wimbledon Kingston Pontins would be Wimbledon which is league three I'm going to check

the postcode of that nah it is Kingston Pontins your closest team would be Wimbledon not Chelsea I'm definitely going to check the postcode on that Nah it is Kingston Point 10 Your closest team would be Wimbledon Not Chelsea I'm definitely going to check The postcode on that

It's absolutely 100% So what happens in this WhatsApp is that Elliot you get totally Swarmed on by glory seekers But it's like this Fucking little Ring of people

Who think they're right But they're wrong But they're validating each other Because there's so many of them And I have to keep coming in And rescue you Because I'm a long suffering Newcastle fan

I have to keep coming in And just going Lads yous are wrong here like you can't you can't like shit on Elliot for supporting his local club no we're not shitting him for supporting his local club we're shitting him because his team shit yeah yeah but that's what that's what that's my point why it's mugglery because it's like fine if I'm if I'm just gonna flat out say oh I'm just gonna pick the best team well guess what I'm just gonna pick Real Madrid I'm gonna pick Barcelona right but the point is I'm not I've gone and supported the team that's local to me because it's a

community thing and then when like i had it all the time at school when people when palace were in a championship we're looking like we're going to get relegated oh your team's crap we're winning champions league and it's like yeah because you chose the best team yeah it means nothing you know i've never i'd never ever ever in my life shot on Crystal Palace until you shot on Chelsea right it was an utter it's not my fault we beat you every season

right it was an utter utter rebuttal but this is the thing again right you sent a message saying death to Palace on one of them

oh at least seven but like I fully agree look you can argue the place of fucking glory hunt whatever

right I came in to support Chelsea that time I've supported Chelsea all the way through that I tried to find a fucking local team to mine like success breeds fans right? I came in to just support Chelsea at that time. I've supported Chelsea all the way through that. I tried to find a fucking local team to mine. Like, success breeds fans, right?

If you're going to say I can't support Chelsea, you've got to go to Africa and take every Man United top off of every child over there and be like, no, no, no, you've got to support

your local fucking team. You've got to go fucking Brazil where all the leagues are shit and you'd be like, none of you are allowed to support, none of you are allowed to support Barcelona.

Even though you're Argentinian and you love Messi, you're not allowed to support Barcelona because that's not your local team the leagues are pretty good over there yeah um here's uh something that you keep throwing in as well where you and ryan cullen and everyone uh he's always put on him that it's fucking dumb to be patriotic over a geographical location or like i support the team nearest my house that's like going out with a girl that lives in your street instead of casting a net and all that right

but as soon as the fucking international stuff's on you're singing Flower of Scotland like nobody else and you're like how does patriotism like only count because patriotism's country not

no but it's like patriotism's literally a country but there's no if you go to the area but that local pride there's flags there's people people

to be fair I would argue by the way I don't shit on you for support I know why you support Palace I will constantly say my argument is Palace't shit on you for support I know I support Palace I will constantly say my argument is

Palace are shit you're back a wrong argument because there's so many of you because you're outnumbered and that's why it's nice to have you outnumbered now in public yeah

I still stand by everything I've said and you can't change who you support I guarantee you would never you would never have supported Chelsea

even though you're from Kingston and you were born in England and all that stuff you would never have supported Chelsea even though you're from Kingston and you were born in England and all that stuff right you would never have supported Chelsea had they not had

the meteoric rise the minute you started waking up to football probably it's like Gareth Ward started supporting Arsenal in 2006

and then and then went to me but it's not the glory years and that to me was the mentality of people who choose their football team was oh we were only

getting Champions League like that was that's the mentality because I remember I got football team was oh we were only getting Champions League like that was that's the mentality because I remember I got a text from someone one day when Arsenal got knocked out of

Champions League in fact I think it was my dad got a text from a friend and it said oh we've just been knocked out of the group stage

of the Champions League this is what it feels like to support Palace and you're like you have no idea like if that's your level of the struggle your team goes through

you've just no idea that was quite a strange one as well when Gareth was getting very passionate about the football and then he announced

that he'd only started supporting them like in 2006 and you're like what you mean you've just started watching football because 2006

he was so recent to me I think the reason everyone gets defensive right is because even if you're taking Glorihunt or whatever we all support your team

with a lot of fucking passion right you can sit there being like you're Glorihunt or whatever we all support your team with a lot of fucking passion right you can sit there being like you're Glorihunt it's like I've supported Chelsea for 14 years now oh it's easy to support

a team with passion when they're winning dude no no I've started yeah okay and I hope I never have the chance

to prove to you that when Chelsea are shit right I hope because I will if they go down not that they will but if they ever do

I hope I never get the opportunity to prove to you that I'll still support Chelsea then oh my god but you'll watch less matches I tell you that because fuck me Newcastle bore me sometimes

right I'll sit there being bored for an hour and a half by my old team I watched us lose 3-1 to Colchester on my mate's birthday we went as a treat for it oh it's

it's not it's not a treat like it's a struggle the struggle is real so what's the mugglery glory seek as are

it's not just it's okay I can understand your argument of supporting the team and stuff but my point is

is like when it's mugglery to go haha your team shit but I'm supporting the local team do you know

what I mean and I noticed this as well in my area. Everyone sort of suddenly started coming a Palace fan when we got promoted or when we got to the semi-final of the Carling Cup and the final of the FA Cup. Everyone suddenly became fans. It's easier to be a fan when you're doing well though.

Like, fuck man, when Newcastle have been like... I can't watch them on Match of the Day when they're in the Championship. You have to fucking actually... I had to sign up to the website I can't watch them on Match of the Day when they're in the Championship. I had to sign up to the website to watch the highlights on the Newcastle website and pay a monthly subscription and I'm not getting it with decent commentary or anything. It's actually more difficult

when you're not in the top flight to support your team. The other argument that was said, which is silly, was about how, oh, Elliot, do you like Conor McGregor? Yeah. You're glory hunting. And it's like

it's completely different I was losing the argument so I needed to make something we should all be Bisping fans this is how I argue the second the second I start

the second I start losing an argument I stop using my logic and I start twisting yours because it stops being about being right it's about proving but I will admit and I'll stand in the Because it stops being about being right. It's about proving other.

But I will admit, and I'll stand in the corner for 30 seconds. My one. Right. Muggles go to the opera. You spend, God knows, and it's very posh muggles, right?

It's very rich muggles. You spend your hard-earned cash, right, to go watch a bunch of pensioners play Nokia 3310 ringtones. Like, I would, I would massively agree with you, but I saw one of my favourite shows I've ever seen was a Mark Thomas show about how his dad went to see the opera

and his dad was like this working class bloke. Yeah, but that was, you saw a comedy show. Yeah, but it was like, oh. It made it sound good. It was like, oh, right. So I imagine if I learnt to understand that I just don't understand well

I don't I don't understand opera enough to make a comment on it but it was funny when Ricketts had suggested going to see Hans Zimmer right who

obviously not an opera I guess he did like a musical performance but he does like suspenseful music but what is brilliant and I fucking love all of his work

like I love Inception but that other one with Matthew McConaughey where he goes into space into Stella fucking wonderful Blue Planet

like half the shit that you watch that's got suspenseful music on you don't even realise Hans Zimmer makes the music Hans Zimmer makes the music right but what is good about it

is like it'll build suspense so you're watching like a fucking Conga Eel's about to make it's like attack on something so it'll build the suspense and then as it attacks the music goes with it so all the sound effects are's about to make it's like attack on something so it'll build a suspense and then as it attacks

the music goes with it so all the sound effects are him reacting to what he's saying now if you take the imagery away from it you just get into suspense for nothing

like oh here it comes here what comes ah nothing just be faithful but how do you sing in an opera

you've got to sit down right and just sit down and listen you're not just singing along. And if you're always singing along, you can't. I love the words. They're great.

But isn't opera all in Italian or Latin? Oh, yeah. I think we're getting opera and orchestra confused a lot as well. I'm putting them both in. Orchestra and opera. Like operas, yeah. Yeah, I've never really understood why people go to the pro do you know what i hate is when they do the proms or something and then they're

like and we're gonna get like a rapper to rap over someone and you're like don't try make this like let it be either let it be cool to the people who like it and not cool to the people who don't like it like a school teacher like a school teacher put his hat on backwards it's like just let it die i hat on backwards. It's like, just let it die. I feel that exact way about jazz. I'm just like,

the second jazz dies, I'm going to be so thrilled. And it's slowly dying and it's so fun to watch jazz die. Apparently there's a wicked jazz bar in Soho that my mate wanted

to go for on Thursday. Of course there is. Jazz is the improv of music, right? It's the improv of music. You learn bass, well, okay,

I appreciate the talent that goes into jazz. You've got to be able to fucking play this music and these instruments so fucking well and you make up an improv, but it's just not, like, do a song I know, I don't want to hear you go, it's loud, it's annoying, it's elevator music and I'm not in an elevator. Why are you reminding me of the worst time in my fucking life when I'm in an elevator with some kind of... Have you gone and spoke to someone about any of these things? No, not yet. Are you putting music you don't like in Muggle Corner? Yeah. No, no. I'm going to stick with opera.

Yeah, opera and orchestra. I'll agree with you. I think if somebody was going to the opera and didn't have any understanding but kept going as like a just as a class or status. I think you do have any understanding but kept going as like a just as a class or status do have an understanding i do feel like the orchestra thing's an accompaniment to something else it's like you watch a musical and there's an orchestra there that was wonderful amazing yeah like you say the the movie that you're watching or the the documentary that you're watching it it's like

an accompaniment like it's so weird to go and listen to it on your own like just listen to it on its own sorry not on your own but you agreed I'll put it in I'm inclined to but I'm a little bit uneducated I'd like to go

to an opera just so I can look around and go yeah Muggle but I'm pretty convinced that would be the case I've not gone to an opera so I haven't done

the research but I'm just basing it on what I imagine it's provisionally in the Muggle corner provisionally right cool what's your one I haven't done the research, but I'm just basing it on what I imagine. It's provisionally in Muggle Corner, provisionally. Right, cool. What's your one? I don't think anybody that goes to opera has listened to this podcast.

Exactly. Normally Muggle Corner. It's genuinely higher arts against hedonism, isn't it? Right, so I've got a Muggle Corner, but I just didn't have it open. Sorry for the stalling. Oh yeah, this is just because Sammy, my mate Ryan applied for Jodie's show. Muggles applied to be on Jodie's show. It's like you're buying your lottery ticket. You think your number's going to come up

and you're going to be famous for your 15 minutes. Imagine having the idea that you think you're going to go on that show and you're going to look good. Like they're going to make you look good. People are laughing at you. Yeah. I think the thing where Ryan probably would be good at George Soros

is just this lovely, high energy... Is there a big gay little Ryan? Big gay little Ryan. Did Flaring for you during the Fringe? He was a great flyer. He's charismatic as fuck. But he'd be great on that show but he'd probably get rejected

because he's not some fucking he's not an asshole and he's not fucking buff he's not eye candy for the for bimbos and he's not really bitchy enough either

like every time I've had a oh I think he could be like oh yeah yeah he'd have it in like he he can crank that up clearly he's only bitch

when I'm not there I about it so yeah he's applying for that because Ryan works for Punch Drunk a lot and I was trying to get a fruit of him dude you work with so many people who are genuinely talented

why would you be drawn to something that it promotes lack of talent it promotes celebration of ignorance lack of substance is what it thrives on yet you're working in this industry that is like fucking talented people everywhere

yet there's this shortcut industry which is I guess car crash television it's what we made the show Muff about and I hate that

people look at that as a little out like oh I could maybe escape the grind and be seen and have my moment in the sun I'm like

develop a talent dude like he's a fucking charismatic man like take up acting take up comedy take up singing or like learn an instrument or just do something

of talent but don't go into there I don't just don't like look for the because it is a fast pass isn't it a fame

remember before TV right people would be famous for their accolades in war or their like like a bard would be famous for doing aolades in war Or their A bard

Would be famous for doing a recount Of a story in a song People would become famous because of their accolades Now you don't even need to have an accolade You just need the camera to be pointing at you Do you know what I was thinking The new generation come through are going to do those reality shows That the old generation never had

Like if you had 2004 Big Brother or whatever They never had Twitter or Facebook So they never would have gone on and said something risky and then one day thinking like if you if you don't the thing is with our job is you always think like maybe i shouldn't put this up because someone could get it bring it out of context i'll get brought down yeah no chat shit get banged yeah which one great philosopher once said and uh but with the new generation come through like that guy just got evicted from i'm a celebrity because apparently i've not seen tweets but apparently

they're racist and homophobic or something and you're like you go on these shows now and your whole like life yeah everything you've once all the mistakes you made all the mistakes when you weren't in the lame lake when you're figuring yourself out yeah exactly and i just brought up and it's like no get off the show you don't get a chance to apologise or a redemption you're just outcast I think like

yeah if you've said something recently you should be held accountable something you said 10 years ago of course you should be able you should be allowed

the opportunity to be like I was an absolute fucking moron I said some horrible stupid things we've mentioned this in the podcast several times

about Crystal Palace nah I stand by those Death to Palace we you say some stupid things I didn't say this when I was 16 17 years old

but unfortunately I did have a platform to say it now it is I've not gone through it but I don't imagine I said anything to but I'd hate for people

to be like but you said this you're like yes I did I'm not like i've moved i've moved on from that actually i can't so i i can't say that i've grown since then yeah people's past can't catch up on them as if it's their opinion now yeah and for some people it is like donald trump famously said i've not changed i'm the same person i was when i was five

years old that's a direct oh my oh my god so yeah applying to be in a reality TV shows as your little fast pass go apply to be in Muggle Corner yeah just fucking

do the grind learn some shit get a skill so in Muggle Corner is Glory Hunters who shit on little teams orchestra slash opera people who go to that

and people who apply to be on reality TV shows yeah now before we go any further Elliot before we go into dad jokes do you have anything to plug are you on there which shows you i i have a couple things is it all right if i plug something i'm doing in of course yeah um cool uh so these are just a few things coming up that i don't know people from so in february on the third i've got nothing really in London at the moment. That's just my thing.

But in February 1st to the 3rd, I'll be at Edinburgh Stand with Gareth Waugh. Hey, it's two of the fucking podcast listeners. Edinburgh is blessed. And on April 2nd to the 4th, I'll be at Punch Drunk. Yes. I'll be at Punch Drunk,

which I'm very much looking forward to. With Marcus Brigstocke and Glenn Wall. Amazing. This Sunday, I will be fighting my first inter which I'm very much looking forward to with Marcus Brigstocke and Glenn Wool amazing and this Sunday I will be fighting my first interclub Muay Thai fight yes

so if you want to come to that if you want to come and watch me if you want to see him get punched in the face kicked in the body

I'll be more Punchdrunk at that one actually Sloss we've got the Soho Theatre run to plug we're both going to

be there at overlapping times mine is the 7th, 8th and 9th I think yours is from the 4th till the 9th I think it's from the 3rd to the 10th I think mine is. So you can come see both our solo shows in London at the Soho Theatre. Mine is 7th, 8th and 9th

of December, you can get the tickets online and it's on at 9pm And me and Kyle are still on tour, Thursday the 23rd of November we're in Cardiff, Friday Kirkcaldy, Saturday, Salford. Sunday, Hull. Tuesday the 28th, Barnard Castle. Wednesday, Carlisle.

And then I'll update you all on those next week. I have one last thing. I'm on Twitter at ElliotStillCom and Facebook ElliotStill. I'm putting out a new couple stand-up video soon. Sweet. It's cool. Right. So I haven't wrote all my dad jokes because I haven't been very well.

I've only got 9 Kai your dad oh no sorry Steel your dad has my name on his rider Kai your dad keeps writing hashtag me free on me too posts your dad has the pockets in his jeans Kai your dad cleans his pockets in his jeans.

Kyle, your dad cleans his hairbrush with his teeth. Danny, your dad wears his best Stone Island and writes hashtag away day and hashtag no pyro no party on Facebook before driving you and the rest of your teammates to the school football match. He's not glory hunting though.

Elliot, your dad uses tip X on his teeth instead of brushing them. Elliot, your dad has his tip X on his teeth instead of brushing them Elliot your dad has a disabled parking pass for his lisp Kai your dad is still wearing his poppy loves his country Danny your dad purposefully

puts a stone in his shoe to remind himself that the struggle is real and that live is to suffer Kai your dad left your mum because she wouldn't let him call you Sonny McSunface. Danny, your dad has a podcast with a segment called Your Son, but it's not the same.

Elliot, your dad makes his toast on the hub. Elliot, your dad wipes his arse with a cotton bud. Kai, your dad got a caution at work because he keeps calling Islam is lame and it's making Sajid very uncomfortable. Danny, your dad hired two prostitutes and the three of them

just sat around in their pyjamas braiding their hair all day. Kai, your dad dabs at weddings. Danny, your dad took a poo in Ibiza because he had heat stroke. Are you out, Kai? I've got one left. Who wants it? Me.

I'll take it. You want your dad to end up in a baseball practice but accidentally brought a dildo instead of a baseball bat and then spent the entire training session worrying about what he'd done with the bat. Natalie's happy, though.

Kai, your dad has a bookmark for his Kindle. Danny, your dad has been smoking weed for 40 years but still can't roll a spliff. Oh, fuck, that's me. Shots fired. Elliot, your dad slut drops truth bombs. Danny, your dad doesn't support his local football

team because he's a huge cuck is that it we're all done that's it Romeo done five minutes lost to the ether

but we enjoyed it bye we'll be back next week thank you Elliot for coming on the podcast we'll definitely

have you back on to defend your intelligence once more yes and I better put these batteries back where they came from Morgan's out