Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.17 Thick-cast II

Episode Date: December 6, 2017

After 2 failed attempts at Podcasts Muggins and Cream get a new memory card and are joined by the same old dipshit Elliot Steel (@elliotsteelcom) to reroll on whether he's thick or not. See if he changes your mind in round 2.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Oh, in the same seats.

That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? I don't know.

You're making us record too quickly. Why? Because I didn't know. When you're a cream, you're a cream from the moment you smoke your first muggins. I don't even know where that's from. It's from West Side Story. Oh. I don't know West Side Story.

You press record and you didn't have anything in the bar. Because I don't have anything in the bar. We weren't just introduced introducing the podcast by saying hello my name is Daniel Sloss this is Kai Humphries welcome to Sloss and Humphries on the road

slash Muggins and Cream sorry we've not done a podcast but we did record two but they both failed to record that would have been a nice opening

you do that then right no hold on let's cut to the fact I don't know where this west side story you don't know

the musical Hamilton you just mention it now it's the biggest fucking musical around right now it's about Lewis Hamilton Right

And he goes to that place in Scotland Hamilton Correct It's about Slavery Hamilton Thanks for going there Why did you look at Elliot for advice

Because he's a fan of slavery You know about musicals Anyway yes we are back on the podcast. Sorry it's been a couple of weeks, but we did generally record two, and it's fucked up. So Lord knows if this will be fucking recorded, but if it is, yay.

We've got a new memory card. We've got a new memory card, and we're going to be checking it every ten minutes, so let's fucking hope to God that it is saved. We've been up to lots, but we spoke about them on the last two podcasts, which you don't listen to. We're sorry that you didn't

get a podcast to listen to but I'm even more sorry that I had to talk to you for nothing aye like I just sat in a room like it makes as well make them not a beat on it

you just had a wee blast I mean you're just having a jovial bit of bounce high energy just really hamming it up for the audience that would never perceive it and then we got Gareth

while high and we recorded that and it also didn't record yeah we'll give him we'll put weed in his coffee aye like THC oil not just fucking weed yeah not like the Arithwa High and we recorded that and it also didn't record. Yeah, we'll put weed in his coffee. Aye. Like THC oil, not just fucking weed.

Yeah, we didn't. No. Just crumble it in. That's why I used to make weed brownies which you just ground up weed and you just put it in

a brownie mixer and then it'd be points you're just eating chunks of fucking leaves. What do you want? Milk? Milk? Sugars?

Two? Two sugars? Three hot rocks? Three hot rocks? I'd boil the, heat the cup from the bottom i miss the days of resin if you don't know much about marijuana basically it comes in grass green the actual marijuana and then you've got hashish which is like it looks like

yeah that's when you see people who've got hot rocks some people i like because for me hashish was always what you get when you couldn't get any actual fucking weed so like now when people now when people choose hipster now hasn't it yeah it's like become the thing that's like

uncommon but like people are like oh nice yeah though we moved on from that yeah it's like you're it's not hipster to go for the shit version of

things that's like doing like coke that is 90% washing powder being like yeah it's just a bit different I just like mix it up that's the thing I was talking to

Fede White today like you know how you always you've got other friends well you know what I do other podcasts that don't fail to record what you know how

anyone you know in the 80s and 90s will tell you about like like Nelson's a perfect example Nelson would be like man pills back in the 80s were so much better than pills nowadays

because intolerance had 20 years I cannot stand that arrogance because you ask any people from that generation and every single one of them will admit that marijuana

has gotten stronger every single one will be like back in my day weed wasn't that fucking strong but now it knocks me for six and you bring up so pills are stronger now

nah there's no logic behind that yeah science has moved on way less than gardening it's definitely the tolerance it's like if you do pills when you're like 19 in the 90s, right? You're going to have a blast. That is nothing like when you're 30.

Speaking of drug addicts, we've got Elliot still in the podcast. We're recovering. You're still sober, are you? Yeah. How long have you been sober for? Like 60-something days now. Get me some shots there. It's been cloned. 60-something days. 60 something days now 60 something days

I'd like to point out that I'm not a drug addict not not sober the first step is admitting you've got a problem and the second step is owning it

I just like yeah those should be the two things I've got a problem I'll just guess I'll just the two things I've got a problem I'll just guess I'll just handle my shit I never I never had a

problem with drugs I was absolutely kidding but the fact that you're so wound up by it makes it so much better oh man you've just given me to my meetings again

yeah your alcoholic meetings you've got therapy haven't you oh well we're bringing that off as well no no

the jailing on I think fucking I'm genuinely tempted to do okay is it court ordered therapy no basically i'll tell the story i was really down and everything um you know because i was i was like i was drinking and all of that stuff but not heavily but in in comedy you guys but a lot a lot and then you're smart enough to be like down in the dumps you should should have this bovine sort of... Yeah, like Kai.

He's too stupid to ever feel sadness because that would require being aware of anything outside of the keys. I'm just misunderstood. Maybe it's your accent. But yeah, I went to this counselling place and they were like, oh, because you're under 25, we'll give it to you and stuff. And then I stopped drinking.

Suddenly, oh, I'm happy all the time and I go to these counselling meetings and they're like, how have you been this week? I'm like, really good. I think there's someone who probably really needs this and I'm taking up 12 sessions.

You're turning up to the dentist to get your teeth brushed. It's not wrong. It's like going to A&E with a stubbed toe. Me and the guy just chat about karate for like 30 minutes in one of the sessions, which is nothing to do with anything. I would do therapy

because I totally think that I am level-headed and fine, and I would just love to see... Because I know deep down it's not true, but I'm just like, where's my flaws? I would love to get fully psych-evaluated. Then find some shit to massage in your head like aye but I want to know what it is

aye they'd definitely find some fucking dark corners in there but I reckon aye but most of my dark corners come out on stage yeah

because that's your therapy right yeah so like if the audience could talk back they could probably tell you a thing or two what's wrong with you aye

but if they were talking back I'd be dead angry and I'd kick them out and then there's one of your problems how does that make you feel my guy's wicked because he sometimes like, I'd be dead angry and I'd kick them out. There's one of your problems, how does that make you feel? My guy's wicked because he sometimes,

when I do speak about something bad, he just justifies it. He goes, oh man, well, you know, some people's morals are here and some are there,

so you know, that's this week done and I'm like, oh cool, thanks for giving me an excuse. He doesn't even look up from playing Angry Birds. He's just looking at a photo

of his photo of that cat hanging from the washing line saying, hang in there. He's watching a ticking counter. I honestly think if I had a therapy session, I'd have a sound hour chat with that bloke and then go out for a pint. I reckon I'd just be like, who made something to chat? Do you reckon, because I reckon that's the thing as a comic like if you go to therapy you might know the answer to this Elliot

do you call me kid I think yeah no I think I was about to say Kenneth I'll tell you I'll tell you what kiddo

you got spunk it's on your jacket it's on your chin do you reckon there's a point like if you if you go to therapy because I reckon for the first three I would definitely be trying to make him laugh I'm like if you if you go to therapy because I reckon

for the first three I would definitely be trying to make them laugh I'm like look you might be a professional but it's my but there must be a point when the performance stops

because I reckon every time I'd be in there it must take a while to get all the I don't have the walls but like I'm like this all the time yeah

I'm always on I think it might make them a little bit nervous to find out like i think the therapist would get nervous if they found out you're a comedian they get psychopaths going in there and talk about wanting to behead people you're gonna make them nervous because you make people laugh because they were there because he thinks you're writing about them because he made self-? I went to the opticians once and as soon as the optician Once?

There's your problem There was a time on one of those occasions I was at the new optician in Edinburgh

and no that wasn't it doesn't matter it's a relevant story but I didn't know where he was

because he couldn't read the signs I'd be map upside down It doesn't matter, it's relevant to the story. Didn't know where he was because he couldn't read the signs. I'd be mapping upside down. Don't think he was just in a bar holding up the pint glasses. The optician found out I was a comedian, he just asked too many questions. I was a comedian, he actually got a bit of a tremble on,

got a little bit nervous shaking, because he thought I would have been writing jokes about him. I hear you. I mean, you fulfilled the prophecy you just marked on a podcast. No, that's a fucking self-fulfilling prophecy. I shouldn't have trembled. It's better always. To prevention. It's better when you weren't trembling.

I don't think man is therapy, actually, come to think of it. I think it's school counselling or guidance something or other. Oh, right, where they sort of direct you or help you find... It's a careers advisor that's what I've been

going yeah wait wait so you're still in high school sorry guys sorry sorry guys I'm in detention

sorry I just yeah sorry I tripped on one of the girls in the playground because I fancy her I got two weeks detention

I reckon you lot got because I got detention once ever right once a week I reckon I reckon you lot got Because I got detention Once ever Right I got it once a week Oh man I reckon

I reckon you got proper Detention sentences Oh man I went So in my sixth form You got 35 years to life In my sixth form Basically

I Hi I lived Just to I was doing good At sixth form Well no no I wasn't That's why I was kicked out actually

Right So That was a I was kicked out, actually. Right, so... That was like the optician's in Edinburgh. Whoa! He just did a proper... He just did a proper

Yui in his story. So I was fucking a bunch of girls. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. So I was having a wank. Like, it's not what you said at all. Have you seen that

Dave Chappelle clip With Rick James Where Rick James goes No I wasn't rubbing my feet on his couch Yeah I was rubbing my feet on his couch Is it what Rick James does? Basically I worked at a school in detention Not in detention

In sixth form sorry Sorry in December So when I was in the army No Yeah I used to just never show up for I live 10 minutes walk from my sixth form When does this story start?

I told you not to let me get high before That's true we did When are any of those sentences You start and finish? We've got to subscribe Essentially I got detention a few times And when

But I never turned up to detentions Because I was like What are you going to do? I'll just go home Yeah what are you going to do? Give me double detention. And yeah, they did exactly that. Oh, did they?

Called you bluff? Yeah. Fair play to them. And then, so I was sat in the detention and my mate Matt was in there. So I was just having a chat with Matt and they were like, you can't talk in here. And I was like, what are you going to do? Give me another detention.

But you had this form you used to have to fill out about bunking. But like the questions were so ridiculous. Bunking? Yeah, yeah. Skipping school. Sorry, I thought you meant like bed bunking like i prefer the top bunk so they had this like sheet you had like but it was it was like a big pamphlet sort of thing and then one of the questions was like multiple choice and it was like what should you say when someone asked you to skip school and it was like yeah let's do it come on let's go on no way man like that's the level of things we're

dealing with no way hombre i ain't done with that it's like when your teacher's trying to be straight oh man yeah it was it's just the cringiest thing and one of the questions was like what do you do when you skip school skip skip leg day would you think i'm doing so i wrote i go behind the bins and shoot up Because I was like Yeah yeah You wrote that Yeah because I was like No one's ever going to

Read this stuff Anyway Fast forward to when They're like kicking me out And I'm in a meeting With my dad Like they bring out The booklet

And they go to my dad We had to have a meeting Because we didn't know If he was serious And we're like This is what your son Has been doing Still just

Writing This is how he regards his education and my dad the comedian is sat there like you know when he's like not expected it

but he has to be a dad and be angry at me they have to be one of his mates not one of his friends come on no no it's like full bomb threats

that you've got to check every single one I'm going behind the bins and shooting up but then why did you say it because you can't be trusted you bunk school right you don't come to second's detention that you've got to check every single one. I'm going behind the bins and shooting up. But then why did you say it? Because when it's like... You can't be trusted. You bunk school, right?

You don't come to second's detention. You lie. You snitch on yourself with lies. Yeah, but I'm not going to do that, am I? Like, behind the bins. Like, if I skip school, no one's at home. I mean, you've not set a good example. It's not like you're a grade A student.

It could have been a cry for help. Aye. Why would I shoot up behind the bins, though, if nobody's at home? I can just go home and do it though skipping school they may just

think you've got loose lips same chips so I done that way I wrote a lie on on a lateness at

work and I had to fill in the lateness form at the leisure centre and I put on when I was getting my

t-shirt out the cupboard I stepped into Narnia and had a massive epic adventure and when I came

back even though three years had passed in Narnia only 30 minutes had passed in the real when I came back, even though three years had passed in Narnia, only 30 minutes had passed in the real world. So that's why I'm 30 minutes late. And I got called at the office for it. And then they called me dad in to see if it was real because...

Because what if they're right, you know? Well, this brings us nicely on to our new favourite section of the show. Elliot's Pop Quiz. So, Elliot, obviously you get annoyed at us calling you thick because it's basically you are and you don't think you are because you're very intelligent in other ways.

Because if you get angry when we call you thick because you're thick because if you weren't thick and we called you thick because you're thick because if you weren't thick and we called you thick you wouldn't be angry you'd maintain like man that quote that's just confused me

that was what it said I was going to do so we've got I haven't managed to do this week's quiz in that section so they are all just fucking randomly based

but they're I've tried to yeah choose what's the mark so like say I get how many questions are there? Right, let's go.

It's not marks, it's just for entertainment. You're going to get none right. All right, let's say there's 20. I can get this to, like, 20 questions. Right, and so you get a point. If you get more than 12, right, which is. You get a care package. It's that 60%.

Okay. 60%. And they're not ridiculously hard this time. Right. Which large animal is the only creature thought to produce its own suntan lotion from its natural secretions? It's what animal makes its own suntan lotion? Is it humans? No.

Why would we need suntan lotion? No, but it's just not good enough. We're still making it. You think we make one with suntan lotion? Why would we need suntan lotion? No, because, right, listen. Before you jump in and grill me. Is this why he's sad, Stixxer?

You see the way we make shit in our body? Yeah. Like what? Like insulin. You make insulin but some people don't get enough insulin so they inject the insulin

so like the same way we create a little bit of something like you know there might be something to be in the skin that's like oh yeah we can sort out

these sun rays you know what that's actually a very good explanation this is that is actually a perfect example of Elliot's intelligence

he'll make the dumbest thing but then explain it really rashly and you go oh no I can't! And I don't know if that's because it's either you're secretly smart, the way we said,

which is like, it's not knowledge smart, but it's intellect smart, it's applying knowledge. Or, you're so dumb it's contagious. I can't tell if you're smart. You wedge a round peg into a square hole, you just fucking hammer it in in And also When you get out to sea on holiday

Would you go Oh my natural secretion suntan lotion Is washed off No because it's waterproof I'm going to walk into the shade No it's Let it re-secrete Are you not getting it on your bed?

Because there's no sun in your bedroom is there? See everybody Everybody's like Okay we're indoors now Under the covers I'm not saying you're like Oo now under the covers I'm not saying you're like oozing the stuff

but I'm just saying like the sales might be maybe something in this way is a suntan lotion type thing man you've got to think a buddy does like so many amazing things we don't know about

it's such a like no that you don't know about like a science knows them all oh because everyone listening to the podcast has a degree in biology

right one you were impressed with your biology you were impressed with yourself there Because everyone listening to the podcast has a degree in biology. Right, one. You were impressed with yourself there. You probably... You're fucking... You're kidding. The answer is hippo. I didn't know that either. Okay.

Which fantasy kingdom was found in the back Of the wardrobe And featured Aslan And a white witch Narnia There we go Hi do you remember That time you went there

Got detention because of it Elliot was shooting up Behind it He fucking really Took Narnia down A dark dark alley What mythical animal Had the head

And body of a lion And the wings And talons of an eagle? The griffin. Correct. Ten points to griffin. What is Samuel L. Jackson's middle name? L. Wait, because that would start with an E.

So do you think his name is Samuel E. Jackson but just his friend's name is L yeah no I just thought it was Lewandowski then Lewandowski oh yeah after the fucking Polish footballer

yeah or did you think his name was Sam I thought his name was originally Sam U L Jackson

it's Leroy. I mean, if you guessed, I would have called you racist. In which year was Halley's Comet last visible from Earth? 1999. 1986. Okay. You nodded like you were a rager. 1999 1986 okay the body language of correct no okay

how many times has Donald Trump been married bonus points for everyone you name and extra bonus points for everyone you bang so there's a possible bonus points for every one you name and extra bonus points for every one you bang. So there's a possible of seven points here. Oh. Are you giving away?

Oh, okay. Oh, no, I said... Oh, balls. Are you giving away? No, no, because... You're invisible by three. No, no, no, because if you'd actually listened

to the original question... You can't bang one of them because she's dead, perhaps. No, no, I Now it's No, no, no Because I did actually Listen to the original question You can't bang one of them Because she's dead perhaps No, no I'll explain at the end So How many times Has Donald Trump been married?

Three times Three times He just gave her three fingers When he did it What are you doing? Worst quiz master ever Right, name them Melania

Yeah Gwena dear. No, but good guess. Candy. No, that's his current wife's name. No, it's Ivana and Marla. So the possible seven was, how many times has Donald Trump been married? I thought his daughter was called Ivanka.

Yeah, but... Or you don't want to marry someone who's got a close name to your kids, do you? No, it was... Yeah, but you have to... Wait, wait, wait. You named the kid after the mum. She's like, you don't... Oh, we made it...

Oh, it was the mum. You don't have a kid and then meet the mum. Sorry, you can't be the daughter of the kid I just had. Your names are too similar. That's why my mum didn't, that's why my dad didn't marry someone called Danielle. Love of his life. First my dad had me, right?

No, I thought like he had, he had Ivanka and then Ivanka. But I'm saying like, as soon as someone like, if you've got a daughter called Ivanka and then someone named Ivana comes along, you've got to be like, all right,

like, I'm not going to marry this this person it's just a bit too close sure pause this and get the charger sorry we just had to pause there just to make sure that was all recorded because we don't want you guys to miss anything and it has been banked you've listened to the first bit yeah listen to this or not yeah yeah we will we will release this so i have a possible eight points possible so far you have four. So you're off.

There's a few up for grabs as long as I bang. Ivana, Marlowe and Melania. Okay, cool. What is the colour of a polar bear's skin? What are you thinking about this? Can I just say, why can't you get three points from Trump's wives? Why can't he only get two points for fucking three of them? So he can't get an extra three?

Yeah, right. People would have been wondering. Sorry, sorry. Why do you fucking want to get one point for two when you still have no extra points? No, I consider only two of them half a point. It's really horrible sexism. That would be one and a half points available.

All right. No, that's one. Yes! Get the fuck out of here. That's another important point When he got it right He didn't believe that it was right By the way You're a fucking idiot

It's Wade No How many hearts Does an octopus have Oh can we just Go back While he's thinking of that Do you know polar bears

And grizzly bears are starting to mate in the wild now? Are they? This is happening. I watched it on a documentary on an aeroplane. Man, this sounds really interesting. I'm trying to think of answers here. This doesn't happen on Who Wants to Be a Million.

Who Wants to Be a Million? I make a game show that they ask you a question, you've got like 30 seconds to answer it, but they start talking about your mum. Or they're just slightly gossiping And every three seconds you just hear your name And you're like I'm going to go two

No the answer is Three more than I have Three So before you answer this question Has anybody got any facts about Ogden Pie If they've got nine arms it's a male. I want to go really wrong.

Wait, next question. And if it's eight, you can tell because they've got little octopussies. Which river discharges the greatest volume of water in the world? The Amazon. Correct! See, I feel

like the problem is now people want me to be stupid and I've come on and proved I'm not stupid. I mean, no, you've had some pretty dumb answers so far. The thing is, Elliot, right, is that some of the questions, like, probably the same amount as you, I don't know the answer for,

but you still come across more stupid than anybody. Because I'm a contemplator. Because you throw an answer at it that's so dumb. And then you justify it in a very intellectual way, but you're just explaining how your wrong point is correct,

but it's really endearing. Never change, we're really... Oh, aye, you're our favourite. And you're the point, like, you're the point, yeah. I think outside really you're our favourite and you're the yeah I think outside of G-Tip you're the oh I'm probably

in it Cody guest favourite audience favourite yeah Stanley as well people loved it when he was on and Sam

from Abandonment outside of outside of everyone and Barry and Rich and Sponge and Milo can I point out by the way I'd been on this podcast

twice before and no one had sent me one tweet Or anything And now it's fucking non-stop About me and mountains If you can't handle Elliot it's worse You don't deserve it, Matt is dumbest Elliot, what is the smallest country in Europe?

The Vatican Correct, Vatican City Fucking smash Is that a country? Aye Fucking Do they do a World Cup there? Oh do they?

I don't know They all come out with their little I guess they all I was going to say they all come out In their little Pope hats But I guess they all Don't have Popes Unless they all wear them

Like in their rooms Can't all be Popes No no but I reckon All the Vatican can't be No but you tell me You don't reckon A bunch of the other Popes Like when they're at the dinner table

With the napkins A bunch of the other Popes No a bunch don't reckon a bunch of the other popes, like, when they're at the dinner table with the napkins... A bunch of the other popes? No, a bunch... Sorry, cardinals. A bunch of the other popes. And I'm on trial. A bunch of the other cardinals, or whatever they are, ministers, reckon when they're all sat at dinner,

they get all the little napkins and stuff, and they fold them into little pope hats, and they're like, oh, look at me, I'm fucking... One day. They start taking their piss out of him. Oh, look at me, I'm John. Oh, I love touching kids. Do you think there's people that live at the Vatican

that aren't even, like, bothered about any of the mumbo-jumbo. And they're just like, oh, I just grew up here, you know? I grew up in the streets. I grew up in the streets. And I just had a council estate near the Vatican. Used to play one touch behind the Sistine Chapel. The project. Do you remember when I thought the Sistine Chapel

was called the Sixteen Chapel? Aye, and the Fourth Road Bridge, you thought it was the fourth one made. Is it not? Not back at all. Why would you make such a funny fucking wheel? chapel was called the 16 chapel oh yeah and the fourth road bridge you thought it was the fourth one made is it not no why would you make yourself funny if you had

fucking wheels no did you actually think it was the fourth road bridge is it not the fourth road bridge no it's over the

river forth is it the fourth river no it's not no it's no no no I'm just saying why is the river

called forth there's got to be a reason yeah but it's not spelled Forth It's not Forth as in Forth It's F-O-R-T-H No, no, no, Froth It's the Firth of Forth

It's the Okay We've got the second The second Forth Road bridge That should be the eighth one No, because it doesn't multiply The second Forth It's the second one of Forth Road Bridge has just been built. That should be the eighth one. No, because it doesn't multiply. The second fourth. It's the second one of four.

Again, again. Yeah, good logic. Fuck, I'll give you that one. When your mum was tidying up after you, did she used to say it's like painting the Forth Bridge? Was that the same way you're from? No. Even though you're from Fife?

What about... Have you heard that before? Yeah, because my mum would never stop banging on about the Forth Bridge cory no this is one of those things where this is one of those things where i didn't know if it was like every parent i've never heard it i know i get the reference immediately because the second you start painting it you've got to restart the other side yeah so my mom would always say bridge isn't it it's like painting the fourth bridge what's the same in my house you paint the golden golden Bridge Or that one in Hull Wait, because Elliot's right

I think Humblebrag I reckon he's right I reckon the thing is It's like painting the Golden Gate Bridge But because We just did a monopoly on it But just because everything about Just because everything about

No, no, just because everything about your family is poor Even the fucking analogies have to go down Like your family couldn't, even the fucking analogies have to go down. Like your family couldn't afford the top drawer analogies, so they had to go for the council estate one. Oh, man. Okay, which of the following is used in pencils? Graphite, silicon, charcoal, phosphorus. Oh, charcoal, my old friend.

No, graphite. No, no, no, I know it's graphite. I was saying because you asked me about the charcoal, but i knew it was graphite i know i was i was doing a call back to a previous podcast all right well i don't think i got that one wrong i knew it was graphite i mean that's what he said the gas usually film filmed filled in an electric bulb is nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide or oxygen? Oxygen. Nitrogen. If it was oxygen it would explode. Good thing I'm not on that job.

Someone didn't learn this by accident. Elliot also thinks they're filled with helium because that's how they stay on the ceiling. That's Daniel's dad who's smarter than you by a lot. No, no, Elliot also thinks they're filled with helium because that's how they stay on the ceiling. That's Daniel's dad who's smarter than you by a lot, right? Oh, yeah. And he was talking about,

you know... Do you think my dad's smarter than all of us by a lot? No. He's not as smart as you. So his dad said, you know when you said the sun is made of helium

and hydrogen and you went, yeah, helium, that's why it floats. As a joke. Hydrogen's like, and then helium, that's why it floats. As a joke. Hydrogen's light. And then helium? Yeah, but why aren't we filling balloons with hydrogen?

Because the... Not the Heisenberg. Not the Hellenberg. Not the Hillsborough. Zuckerberg. Not the Kronberg. Not the iceberg? No, not the iceberg.

The fucking... It would be cold. No, no, the hydrogen explodes. Remember the big fucking blimp that explodes? The Zeppelin. Oh, the... The Battenberg. What's it called?

Hindenburg. Hindenburg, that's the one. Yeah, yeah. Hindenburg. And that was hydrogen. It exploded, so that's why they no longer fill blimps with them. Oh. OS, the computer abbreviation, usually means...

Online service. No. Operating system. Oh. I thought you'd know that. I'm not good with computers. Which celebrity released their own brand of perfume in 2006 called... Shh.

What kind of question is this? It's general knowledge. Pop culture. What? Which celebrity released their own brand of perfume in 2006 called Paris Hilton. No, Jerry Goody. Oh. Part of a prophecy if you ask me.

Bit of a prophecy if you ask me Which type of That's all Which type of headgear Is named after a town and battle In the Crimean War Cardigans and Wales, motherfucker. And it's not headgear. Oh, yeah, that'd be...

Well, if you're brave enough. Which type of headgear is named after a town and battle in the Crimean War? Okay, give me a second here. I'm going to go with the Ushanka. The what? The Ushanka.

What's the Ushanka? It's the hat like Russians wear. Oh, that's a very good guess. The answer is no, it's Balaclava. Oh, okay. Well, the good answer. The good one's closer. Who is known as the muscles from Brussels?

Jean-Claude Van Damme. Yeah. Or as he's known over there, Jean-Claude. The dammit. Which film star wore the same coat in five different films in the 1940s? Hitler. Film star? He was in films.

I guess he was in a lot of movies. The answer is Lassie. Oh. She wore the same coat. How did you keep it so shiny? Which has more annual rainfall, the Sahara or the Antarctic? Sahara Correct

It rains in the desert But what kind of fact was that? There's more precipitation Alright, we get it, man. You've read a book. You always do this. You know nothing. No.

The question wasn't... You're a bastard. Unrelated to the bit he was doing. The question wasn't, like, how does it happen? Okay, and he got it right. We're a long way from the how does it happen questions. You've got four questions left How long did the hundred years war last?

101 116 I wish the answer was 100 I was so excited for that being 100 What is the common way for identifying Individual mountain gorillas? Just ask it Steve Steve Steve Sorry mountain gorillas? Just ask it. Steve!

Steve! Steve, I was planning, sorry. You're a mountain gorilla? Yeah. Turn around. Actually.

Oh no, sorry, that was me. Is it to do with like, what, trees they live in? No. No, but that's you know, the area they live in. They do but that's you know the area they live in

i mean they don't gorillas don't gorilla gorilla i thought you asked monkey no i said individual mountain gorillas then this changes everything after that um okay so what is the common way for identifying individual mountain gorillas. The way... They look tonight. It's in the kiss. The way they, like, charge at you. So that's when they identify them. Oh, they're just attacking.

They're just pulling an all-force. Well, it's a risky job. Someone's got to do it. It pays well there's his nose print so they're getting the prints off their nose easier after they've charged

I'm saying my way's safer than them charging it yeah well yeah you've got a motor you can drive away how do they get a nose print? Do they grab the hair and then whack its face into the ink and then whack its face onto the paper and then just push it away?

Check its nose print. I think it's like... It'll be something... I don't know. Everyone says that that Coco the gorilla was smart because it learned sign language. But if all the other gorillas were smart because they didn't get captured...

Do you know what I mean? but if it's all the other gorillas were smart because they didn't get captured like do you know what I mean so like so you reckon if we like the ones we can't catch are highly

much more intellectual yeah like it's like if you like went to live with an alien family and they gave you all this knowledge

and you'd be like oh this is amazing you're still having to live with the alien family you can't go back to your buddies on earth and share it yeah you were still the hillbilly and if she did go live with the alien. You can't go back to your buddies on Earth and share it. Yeah, you were still the hillbilly.

And if she did go back with the other gorillas, they don't even know sign language. So what fucking use is it? It's not to get them to communicate to us so we can communicate with them. We don't want them to have their own secret language. That's how fucking Planet of the Apes starts. Oh, man, you know,

I did this a bit about one time. I got high on the thought of the plot of planet of the apes but thought of it as original content you pitched it to me yeah you're like oh i've got this idea about animals that get smart and all of a sudden they close the gap between intelligence i'm sorry and he's pitching this to me right this coming from the man who claims he invented egg fried rice yeah hold on a second has that not been brought up on the podcast one time after a game of football i was at kai's and spoke to joy and then gab was like oh is there some rice in there i'll make some rice and kai looked at me and went you know what i do sometimes

i break an egg in some rice stir it in and i'm just looking at him and he goes did i just try pass egg fried rice up I mean, I discovered it independently. It sounds like you just forgot a recipe and then went through the process. Obviously, every time

I've had egg fried rice, I've been aware that there's egg in it, but it's never really crossed my mind that in the kitchen, there's egg in it. I just came like that.

I mean, I've ordered a bunch but I've never realised that they're just there cracking an egg here mixing it up but then I give that a shot from your own free will oh man

I do say a lot of dumb things don't I that was me that time I was trying to pitch you that I remember that that proper broke my heart as well

oh yeah yeah because you thought you'd come up with a concept man I thought i'd come up with something so smart about like animals like taking over and stuff and like it's just like i'm so ahead of my time oh no wait i'm four years behind no i'm planning for 40 and also four since the remake so how many years was nelson mandela held in prison? 27 Jesus! I was not expecting that

Three of my boys locked up in jail still Release the Croydon 6 Which profession is associated with Savile Row? Radio broadcasting. Slash paedophilia. Paedophilia. The BBC is tailoring. Why is that?

Because Savile Row is where you go. Where's Savile Row? In London somewhere. I've literally just given you the address. Savile Row,'s Savile Row? In London somewhere I've literally just given you the address Savile Row, where's that? I'm not Google Maps bro Yeah What did your last map die on?

But my reason If people think, oh you're from London How do you not know that? London is so vast I don't go to North I go to Central London But beyond there it's all Tottenham. In my opinion.

How should he know about Southampton? Cut him some slack. So you got... Keep talking. Oh, is that all of them? Oh, is there more questions? I've got questions for him. Oh, okay.

I wrote them down, but he didn't use them. Who is Taylor Durden? Brad Pitt. In the fake club. Yeah. And who them who is Taylor Durden Brad Pitt in the fake love yeah and who would be your Taylor Durden if anybody could be

your Taylor Durden I can be your Taylor Durden punch away I don't know I'd like to think I'd go with like I don't know I'd probably go, like... I don't know.

I'd probably go with, like, who would be, like, my person to chill with all the time. I've got, um... I'm going to tell you, like, Daniel thinks you're here alone. Oh. That's what's wonderful about this podcast. You're coming in with some confusing...

He doesn't know that I'm here. Despite all the fact that this podcast is called Slots and Humphreys on the Road. I thought that was it. Out of a possible 24 points, you got... But three of them are pending. Yeah, so if you bang any of them,

you're on 12, so that is half. That's 50%, not 60%. So it's out of 24. So I think the rule should be, we will keep bringing you on this podcast

and do this quiz, and every time you keep bringing you on this podcast and do this quiz and every time you're on the podcast we will do this quiz until you get 60% in one of the quizzes and then we'll finally admit that you're not on time fuck man you had my surname in at that time for a long time

right should we pause there and get on to Muggle Corner and we have banked the second third of the podcast. That also exists. Nice. Now, let's get on to Muggle Corner. Now, Steel, we'll let you go first since you are guest.

Okay, cool. Muggles, Kingsman. No, wait. That's from Sean Walsh's podcast, sorry. Wait. Sean Walsh does Muggle Corner? No, no. He was asking me for films I didn't like.

And what was your answer Kingsman the Golden Circle quite late I feel a bit bad coming on and saying that now actually I retract that

why don't you talk like you walk like you muggles do crossfit now what is crossfit because I know people make fun of it but I don't think i actually know what it is man it's so sort of like like it's so you walk into like this big warehouse room and there's

like weights in one corner there's a couple guys rolling around in a kettlebells yeah it's just like circuit training yeah it's pretty intense circuit training it's actually a really good workout but it looks tough but it's the way people bang on about it's a social media exercise isn't it a little bit yeah but like also you see when people are doing them training for things like you get guys who go like oh yeah i'm doing this training we're like we're gonna have to crawl through mud on the weekend and it's like you're not in the army that's not what are you doing you don't need to train that it's kind of the gym just go to bro. Well, do you know when I was training in Perth, the MMA gym

also had CrossFit on their premises and they kind of kept themselves separate like CrossFit on one side of the gym and the MMA boys were kicking the pads

on the other. Yeah. But they had like an inter-club thing where they'd done things like tug-of-war and shit like that and the MMA lads

beat the CrossFit people at tug-of-war but that's their thing. Right. That's their field. Imagine the CrossFit people, that tug of war, but that's their, that's their thing, that's their field, imagine, the CrossFit boys, and girls, got into the octagon,

with the MMA one, like, they'd get kicked the fuck, so, they should totally, hold their world, yeah, so it's like,

it's not even the best of it, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't, I don't get people, I don't know, and it's,

I'm sure there's people out there, who'll be able to explain to me, as we've worked out, I don't get why you'd, ever do do something like crossfit it costs a lot of money as well like there's one i mean it's 120 a month oh yeah that's not that's not cheap i'd actually like to do it i think it's a good workout it just seems to be like oh you don't want to be in the company of muggles like you've just got to like even though even though you wouldn't even though you wouldn't necessarily be a muggle yourself for doing it you will fit your your invest come on you you'd massively come on if

you're in that environment you're going to be like because it is with the german things like you know martial arts and stuff when you make big gains you take pictures of it and so you put it up but you you'd fall into that thing like you'd buy a longboard or something yeah you just come one of them dudes yeah i think the way it is I don't think CrossFit is muggly but I think there's a lot of muggles do CrossFit

yeah yeah so that's yeah that's a perfect way of putting it there's probably people that do

CrossFit that will listen to this going oh thank god I am surrounded by muggles yeah yeah but it is

but because you wear it yeah so even if you are an innocent person doing CrossFit you still have to go stand in the, if you are an innocent person doing CrossFit, you still have to go stand in the corner because...

I bet you own, like, a CrossFit tracksuit of your gym as well. Me? No, not you. I bet people who do CrossFit, when I say you're a speaker, it's like... Track, yeah. Tracksuit. Yeah, like... Do you do it in a tracksuit?

I don't know, but I don't really know enough about it. You think I'll have merch? You think I'll have CrossFit merch? Oh, yeah, definitely. I reckon they're, like, people that take, like, running seriously. And, again, like, you're it there? Oh, yeah, definitely. I reckon they're like people that take running seriously. And again, you're allowed to, but it's the full... Oh, don't let us get into that again. Oh, no.

Good, Gareth. No, no, but it's the other thing. When you go for... It's like someone who turns up to five-a-side in a full strip and full... You're like, oh, pipe down. Full kit one got a five-a-side. You mean just funsies five a side not like

yeah yeah yeah team five a side is important because it's a strip but it's so like it's such a like I see it as a hipster workout

because it's in like they're all in like a warehouse or kind of basement kind of thing like big room it's an avocado muggle yeah

yeah you know what I'm going to say avocado doesn't taste like much I like avocado I don't say it. Avocado doesn't taste like much. I like avocado. I don't know. I like it.

It doesn't taste like much. It's like the water of vegetables. Don't go after avocado. I'm not. I'm just saying it. Look, it's the same thing. Sometimes you've got to stand out. You've got to stand against the grain.

And I'm not saying I don't like avocados. I'll eat them. I just think this is the wrong time. You've got to give it a squeeze and make sure it's ready. No, because everything you put added to an avocado, it's like, oh, I love avocado. Are they guacamole? Aye, but that's the lime and that's all the other stuff we went and got a burrito two days ago i didn't put any guacamole on it did i no because it's a pound 50 i didn't get it because i was like i don't want flavorless mush on my thing

don't come on leave the avocado alone man man. What's it taste like? Avocado? No. Describe it. It's got good fats in it, bro. It's avocado-y, isn't it? Yeah, right, that was a very CrossFit pick to say. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, avocado muggles.

I'm not saying avocado on Instagram is muggly, but there are muggles that... To be fair, at this point, the amount of people into like I think there's something we've never discussed on Muggle Corner

if enough muggles do something is it the thing itself must be muggly that's good oh yeah I'm for sure I'm a muggle for a point like I would

happily I would happily I don't know how you'd feel about this I would happily have someone sit here and be like to me martial arts that's muggle like if you go

and train martial arts like I train Muay Thai you're a bit of a muggle what are you ever gonna do it's like yeah I am being a muggle with it do you know what I mean I feel I admit I am but it's a nice bit of mugglery but I feel like martial arts is very harmless mugglery if you enjoyed an avocado and go to crossfit yeah yeah yeah but that's the thing about muggles is they are harmless yeah it's their it's the owning of like making avocado part of your being yeah yeah yeah part of your being

yeah yeah outward projection is about those things that's exactly what I mean the vegan problem it comes a replacement for a personality

yes you become the CrossFit guy like yeah and you're always banging on that's what I really mean is people constantly bang on about CrossFit went to CrossFit

it's like bro you just lifted some weights alright but you moved it over there and then you skipped for a bit. I would probably get back into it because I don't think it's a quick way to get healthy. Did you do it? No, no, no, no.

But when I get back to the gym properly, it's a good way of shedding everything. It's a good way of building muscle at the same time as leaning down. I don't even know what they're doing now. I just walked past it one time. Muggles. All right, wrote it down on your phone.

I think we'll absolutely allow it to be put in. virgin's blood in there i mean each other's blood now this is uh my muggle suggestion here i am going in the corner just because of the second wave of mugglery which is complaining about this muggly thing muggles give any form of shit about the royal wedding right and this comes up because we were at Kai's house the other week we were at

Kai's mum's house the other week and it was on the news the royal wedding had just been announced and they were interviewing people about the royal wedding and they found people

who cared like these people were like oh I'm so excited I think it's going to be beautiful it's going to be great he's a good boy and I just know

Diana's going to be looking down and she's excited I'm like you fucking margaret looking up i think i think that kind of margaret is people who take like a worldwide event and just make it about themselves a little bit like i think this will be and it's just like but no no because you know what i agree it's margaret it's like it's like it's like the it's like Eurovision right Eurovision itself is Muggle but I've even been

dragged along to some Eurovision parties and it's just people go along there to take the piss out of the thing my family had a royal last royal wedding all my family got together

because we're like should we just get shit faced and ironically it's still Muggle still Muggle still Muggle but you get but that's the second wave

this is the second wave which is still Muggle but my point is how fucking Mugglely is the original? People actually get around... Do you actually care what's just going to be wearing? People absolutely fucking do. Oh, they can't stop talking about it.

If that's going in, which I agree it should, all the people who, like, a few people I know, will be going like, why are we having another Royal Riding? And just keep yelling and yelling, and then they'll bring up the price of this anyone who gives

any form of shit right yeah good because those people I'm like well yeah man it's happening and your Facebook post ain't going to change it

yeah yeah sign a petition do something but even then we're not going to get rid of the monarchy yeah just seethe quietly or do it on a podcast

like we do I'll be excited about it quietly you get a day off out of it no even if you're excited about it quietly like it's yeah

look I'm barely excited about your wedding like I can't give a shit what Natalie's going to fucking wear are you not excited

to see what I'm wearing you should be because you're wearing the same thing oh we both get married we're in the same that's not what happens when you get married you wear the same thing to the person you're you're wearing the same thing. Oh, we both get married. We're in the same... That's not what happens when you get married. You wear two pieces for the person you're marrying.

You're in the same... I thought you meant we were all in the same kilt. I was wearing the same dress. No, no, I meant you and me in one kilt. You and me in like... We're doing that shaky conjoined twin movie with Owen Wilson in the other one. So we're going to wear tart the tart and dish dushes?

No. No, because I'm excited for your wedding mainly because the parties you're going to be excited about, everyone's out there. I'm going to know

everyone at this wedding. It's a beach party. It's a beach party in Ibiza with all my best male friends or my best female friends. My mum and dad are going to be there.

We're all going to have the time of our fucking lives. It's such a good crew. Do I give a fuck what Natalie's waiting for? Do I give... Oh, mate. She can walk down and track it. I'm not going to give a fucking...

I'm munted. It's like, if you care about the dress of a wedding, you're not even attending. What level of muckery? You've got to lean in at some point to Matty or something just kind of see what you're wearing what's just happened now

is Natalie will be listening to this bit of the podcast just pause it pause it and she's going to go have an argument no she had a

she had a she had a she had a fucking chance for me to give a shit about her wedding dress right when we were in

Glastonbury right because she was there with me Ricketts and Kai right we're all we're all absolutely hammered? Because she was there with me, Ricketts, and Kai, right? We're all absolutely hammered. And Natalie, she comes up to me and she goes,

Danny, I think I've chosen my wedding dress, right? Now, I'm like, I love weddings. I'm not going to lie. I'm one of those muggers. This is deep water, but I'm going in. No. But I'm like, fuck it. I'm a good friend.

You're excited about this thing. I want to be excited about this thing with you. It's great. So she showed me. And I'm giving props. I'm you, like, it's great, so she showed me, and I'm giving, I'm like, oh, that's great,

the way the back is, all this stuff, I know my fashion a bit, I know what to say, I'm like, it's really nice dress, the second, I can't even remember

what girl it was, Georgie Donnelly, turned up, Natalie hadn't even said hello, just midway through me giving her all this, she went, oh,

Georgie, and just, I was out of the conversation, right, reverse, reverse sexism exists my favorite bit of that was i know about fashion a little bit a little bit like i don't wear this stuff myself but like i can appreciate like if something looks good i'll be like is that because you're planning on opening sweatshops five minutes after that so she showed ge Georgie Donnelly

come and sat back down exactly where she sat right she was chatting to me for a bit and then you hadn't moved or she hadn't spoken to you since the wedding dress mugging

and she just turned to me and went where's Danny I think he's where he was when you mugged him up yeah so he's still there

he's not recovered he's still in shock he's still gobsmacked alright so Natalie if you yeah I know you were upset earlier when I said I didn't give a shit

about your wedding but that's exactly why you had your chance I'm still hurt but these that's my point though like I'm so excited about the wedding

but that is a wedding I'm attending but even there's parts of that wedding that I've been at weddings where I don't give a fuck about any part of it

right I'm just like I'm just here because I like the person but I don't like the fuck about any part of it right I'm just like I'm just here because I like the person but I don't like the person you're marrying but it's not my position if I can

say but blah blah blah I'm just here for the drink there are people shove that in the corner you should tie it around his head sorry I should

sorry boys I thought this would be a therapy no I'm just saying that this is a perfect time as any to practice my best man speech test the waters

just Matt is going to come on and do the same thing forever hold your peace grubs crotch I was about to bring up something there but we have to save it

for Sunday's podcast Monday's podcast but yeah I'm assuming this is straight in. There surely cannot be much debate. And I totally agree with you. The people that are angry about it, I get your anger.

I'm in the corner for the anger because I've just, I'm on the second wave of mugglery here. But, yeah, I agree. Alright. So, mine was just,

we'll go into handshakes as a rule and see what's muggly within handshakes. But the one I want to put forward is the people that hold onto your hand for far too long in a handshake they grip your hand and then start talking

and then don't let go of your hand yeah me and Elliot are going to shake hands I'll say now you tell me when it's too long

right okay so do it like a proper greeting so hello right shaking hands right you've done a little wobble it's already getting awkward

right some people go on longer than this you just kissed your hand yeah you felt the need you felt the need to do something to break the awkwardness you had to do something to get out

I reckon one of the good ways to get some of the strokes is this the stroke yeah it's just probably stroke do you ever have it where you

no I'm not from Croydon where you go into a handshake with someone and they go do a fist bump and you accidentally like grab the fist bump and then have you ever had it as well where you go to do a handshake with someone and they go to do um a fist bump and you accidentally like grabbed a oh yeah and then have you ever had it as well where you go to do a handshake with someone

and they immediately think you know all that and they're like tickety tickety stuff you can't call them no no no no no no hold on hold on last time the podcast tweets come in accusing me of being dumb, I don't need them coming in accusing me of being racist. No, you mean like all the switching the hand position, doing a little click at the end of it. The next time I'm on this podcast, I don't want it to start with,

I really, really regret what I said on the last... No, just, yeah, when they do like... Yeah, they'll bring you in, they'll bring you in the club, you've got to fist bump it, you've got to do the little airplane, you do the squid. The squid? Hi, squid. They're like, explode.

Is that you calling that a squid? No, no, no, no, squid. Boom, boom. What are you doing, man? Leave your fist there. I'm doing the squid. Right. That's not the...

I couldn't get my head around that. I know. And, I mean, that was good for the podcast listeners. So, exactly what went on. So, well, the for the podcast listeners. So exactly what went on. So, well, what were they? Click and handshake.

I don't mind them. I don't even mind them. As long as you, if you're going to bring me into one of those, right, you've got to lead the dance. Right?

You know I don't, you know I know handshake and you know I know Facebook. Turn it into a hug if you want. Like, yeah, turn it into a hug maybe. But if you're going to, you've got to lead the charge.

Grab me by the waist, treat me like a woman. I'll lead you back. I like the one if you're gonna you've got to lead the charge grab me by the waist treat me like a woman and lead you back I like the one where you overshoot and grab each other's wrists you feel like a viking for a second

and then you look up and you just say it's Colin from accounting I'm not a viking I've never you mean the overshoot

like yeah peace be with you brother but the because nobody likes a soft handshake as well Nobody likes the over the top handshakes Which is like saying dominance

But what I hate the most Is people that have figured out Over the top means dominance So they apply a level of dominance Where it's an underhand Where they're like You can be dominant in this handshake And it's like an underhand handshake

You're just like Stop thinking it's for me Turn the hands sideways Stop house of cardsing a handshake How much do you think about handshakes? like oh stop thinking it's free turn the hand sideways stop house of cards and a handshake how much do you think about handshakes no no it's disgusting

is that yeah that's what people do I've never had anyone you've seen someone come over the top before you're just like whether you mean that or not right

over the top is just someone that thinks of alpha it's dominance it's basic psychology I'm not looking deep into it that's why I'm not

stuck to keeping up with it but sometimes people come under because they know about that and have thought it through It's basic psychology. Like, I'm not looking deep into it. That's why I'm not stuck keeping up with it. But sometimes people come under because they know about that and have thought it through. Fuck, so that's like a... Nobody comes under naturally. Yeah. That's nobody's natural disposition. So it's...

That's them just going, I'm going to let him come over. Yeah. Okay, I never really realised that was that. It's like, you know when you hold hands with a girl or a boy. I don't know about that. Yeah. But if you hold hands... So if you hold hands... See, because my boy I don't know about that but if you hold hands because my hand's forward that's normally

the sort of dominant one there my right hand's over your left one so it's the leading one so I'm the one that's able to punch I always do find it and this is a weird bit of like sexism I know that's in me but it's so minor but like see if I'm with a girl and she does it over my hand I go oh no

it's such a dumb it's such a dumb visceral I'm with a girl and she does it over my hand I go it's such a dumb it's such a dumb visceral reaction but if a girl grabs my hand I don't mean she grabs my hand from behind right and I'm joking about to say as it should be but I don't know why I think that I don't know why that's such a horrible natural instinct in me I've got an ingrained one too that if a girl says they can beat me a computer game I'll instantly just be like not a chance this dumb bit of sexism you'd have to totally prove this

and then I'd have to begrudgingly go yes you are I'm not going to just like you know you guys tell me about computer games I'm like fuck

there's a chance that they are but any girl that I've ever met if any of them said they were better than me I'd need proof even for a second

to entertain it it's such a dumb yeah yeah because whenever you grew up I grew up playing computer games with all my guy friends truth even for a second entertain it yeah it's such it's such a dumb yeah yeah it's an it's yeah because you whenever you grew up playing i grew up playing computer games with all my guy friends right and that's probably because we were young and we did invite the girls around to play you know i have played computer games with girls before that are into computer games i've always been remarkably better than them oh no i've been i've been some people oh i'm yet to often

absolutely fucking gubbed through the floor like and it's very do you remember that time we actually did this in fucking Lithuania two years ago

we were in a bar in Vilnius and there was a there was a foosball table right and again this is this is such a perfect medicine

to our inbuilt fucking stupid dumb like sexism something we need on a gavel yeah two girls were like we'll play at foosball and me and her were like

oh so we'll do one of us and they're like no us VU and we're like alright okay Elliot I cannot tell you how much we no goals from us I'm talking 10-0 and these games they were key PRPs right they're pinging over head flicks and me and him just

laughing at everyone rightfully laughing at us, right? Because they could see the bravado in us when we were like, here we go. All the destruction. It was the funniest thing to watch. They're even letting us do spinsies. Yeah, they're just letting us be like, here's the ball, run it. One of them somehow managed to get the little man off the thing

to run around, skip past the player. One of them scored with a diving header. He's saying for Man U yeah that's yeah that is a yeah that's probably that was dumb

it was like we were just saying that absolute dumb inherent I need to deal with this sexism that exists in my head

is there anything better than that moment where you like or must be better to watch than like a guy being all bravado-y just being absolutely destroyed at something.

Like I had it once in that arcade we sometimes go in in London. There was a girl and I saw her and I was like, oh, do you want a game of air hockey? And she absolutely destroyed me in front of my mates. It shouldn't even be noteworthy. It shouldn't be noteworthy. It absolutely shouldn't be noteworthy. The reason it's noteworthy is because I went in there,

like, after she got the first two, I was like, oh, I'll play properly now. And then she, I was like, I'm playing properly and I can't win. And you can see me go from, like, bravado to sort of like, all right, let's try concentrate, to panic. That's why it's really funny.

I think that's something we should all agree to try and fix about ourselves. Yeah, totally. What, my air hockey skills? Yeah, we've got to make sure that we're better than all the girls. That's the only lesson we learn from this. Like, the only lesson we learn from this is

we've got to be better than girls. Yeah, like, when we were going to a gig the other day and my dad had gotten Call of Duty and we knew he was going to be up playing on it and we're like, oh, I can't wait to play Call of Duty with my dad when I get in. Like, why is it so inconceivable that there could have been a reality

where I'm going, I can't wait to get in and play Call of Duty with my mum and dad. But that would seem so weird to me for my mum to be in it. But why? Like, why?

I think that's more a generational thing. Yeah, I think that's generational. Even now, I wasn't like, oh, I can't wait to get home and play Call of Duty with Natalie. Like, she's not going to do it. But I think it's also down to, it's what we discussed. I know that's just. Even now, I wasn't like, oh, I can't wait to get home and play Call of Duty with Natalie. She's not going to do it. But I think it's also down to,

what we discussed... I know that's just them as an individual. Yeah, that's them as an individual, but I also do think it's the fact that a lot of the games are, especially the generation we grew up, boys just naturally went to it because it was more sort of like...

Do you think this is still there? I think it will, but I think there was obviously, we all know there's like, the way you pitch toys to children like Barbies are for girls and Kens are for boys there was a point

when you no they're not Kens aren't for boys oh not Kens I'm an action man you had a Kens doll you had a Kens doll no a Kindle

I can see what you're about to say about and they pitch video games but I think games like okay not to say there aren't girls that play Call of Duty but games like Call of Duty are definitely aimed towards like majority guys but there's more strategy there's games like League of Legends

and stuff and computer games that are no load which are way harder games that's the generation that's coming through because now because we're now becoming more aware of like all the like different types of sexism and I think you've got the generation of girls who are obviously sick of being told this is for girls, this is for boys.

I reckon the next generation, I will not be surprised, even now I'm not surprised, generally the amount of times I've had my ass kicked at computer games, but I think that is just this generation. I hope I see that level out, I'd love to. Do you reckon that's like our generation's thing

of like, or maybe not mine, but the generational thing of like, oh, women can't drive when they actually, of course, are safer drivers and we've just naturally gone like oh they can't play video games

and then it's just going to turn out they're better than us yeah yeah given more chance to play more like more push towards it and also yeah

just the opportunity to be allowed to play these things to have to step into something that was obviously male dominated at the start to step into that it's got to be like it's got to take

proper fucking spunk isn't there something about like I know like FIFA this is the worst thing by the way three white men talking about feminism

but doesn't like the whole thing of FIFA like when me and you play FIFA it is such a like guy v guy locking horn macho just chatting shit

like stupidity like I can understand toxic masculinity yeah toxic masculinity I can understand when like girls say something like that they can go

FIFA and stuff so stupid because it's just so aggressive I reckon that's another bit of I reckon that's another bit of shitty deep sexism is I reckon

because I've not I've not played a girl I probably have played a girl on FIFA but I don't have my mic in for FIFA and no one has their mic in for FIFA online

but I reckon like when I do I for FIFA, and no one has their mic in for FIFA online. But I reckon, like, when I do, I love trash-talking. I reckon I might not trash-talk. I'd like to think I would trash-talk a girl, but part of me is like, I don't know if I might stutter. Or I might stutter, like, with the trash-talking. She's there going, yeah, I said that to your mum. Yeah. You know when you were saying

you get pushed towards different things as a kid, right? Like, girls get pushed towards skipping, as a kid right like girls get pushed towards skipping and as a boy I was never encouraged to skip and then you start going to boxing gyms

and fighting gyms and you have to skip immediately like where's my fucking base skipping why did I get scared away from that

why do women not have better footwork that was one thing that annoyed me when I took up boxing or something I was like all those years

in the playground I could have just bypassed if I'd just done the skipping you could have was like, all those years in the playground, I could have just bypassed. If I'd just done the skipping... You could have been working on your footwork. I could have just been... In a cardio. Yeah.

And hanging out with chicks. You wasted your childhood. The first two months of any sort of striking-based thing is skipping, and it's just you not being able to skip properly. I really wish I was a better dancer. When I'm in clubs, I don't dance because I can't dance, right? Because when I was younger, I was like, I'm not going to learn how to dance. Dancing's for girls.

I genuinely regret that. I fucking hate that. You wish you could dance? I wish I could fucking dance because I can Scottish, I can Scottish country dance because they forced us to Scottish country dance

all the way from primary school and high school. I don't know what he's getting for Christmas. No, right, it's going to come up at your wedding and I'm going to know

all the dances and I'm really glad because I know that form of dance and I feel comfortable. But yeah, the fact when I was a kid, I'm not going to dance, dance is for girls. And now I'm a grown man who is uncomfortable on a fucking dance floor because seven-year-old me was a sexist.

I have the same thing. Talking about the fucking butterfly effect, they're for girls too. I did a BTEC in performing arts, which again is why I'm really smart. Yeah. And we had to learn how to do South African gumboots dancing. I remember learning that at the time in, like, year nine

and thinking, this is never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever going to help me in life. Teach me how to... Like, I went into this thing going, this will teach me how to dance. I'd learnt nothing to do with dancing. No soldier boy, not the Macarena. You're opening and closing dance At your wedding

I've walked around the atelier Several times Practising the YMCA I would love your first dance To be soldier boy Dancing is prohibited At our wedding No yeah

No dancing What? It's a no dancing wedding what do you mean it's IB for it's a Muslim wedding oh they like to dance

you're allowed to dance you dickhead you're genuinely concerned I was thinking at least mum's gonna be dancing not you though she's got standards right so

shall we go back through those ones so my one was muggles give any type of shit about the royal engagement yeah crossfit crossfit and various types of handshakes various types of handshakes aye Should we go back through those ones So my one was Muggles give any type of shit About the royal engagement Yeah Crossfit Crossfit

And various types of handshakes That you probably do Handshakes aye Then also Yeah I think we should all Cut the corner for And also Any fucking stupid ingrains

If you If you If you cut yourself a grain With any of our dumb sexes And you pick out Let's all be fair And go in the corner I do that

Aye Aye We'll admit all the things We said were muggles We'll go stand in the corner For several minutes. Why do people die? Because they need to be bred out.

Aye. Aye. You need that mental behaviour bred out, so we need to get all the value. And to all the women, we'll try better. We're sorry. Damn right,

and I'm going to nail air hockey. Right. Right. Right. Let's get rid of all our toxic masculinity by your dad jokes. Okay, I've only got eight that's fine it's alright

we'll move on Elliot your dad lost his limbo championship belt because he kept getting a boner Kai your dad left your mum

for a girl we met on RuneScape Elliot your dad kicked off with a woman for feeding a child in Starbucks she was feeding a child with a bottle but he goes in there for the tits

Elliot, oh Kai your dad's phone facial recognition only recognises him if he's crying he's never had a problem sometimes it unlocks while he sleeps Danny, your dad has a winger out tattoo Sometimes it unlocks while he sleeps. Danny, your dad has a Winger Out tattoo.

Elliot, your dad washes the dishes with his feet. Elliot, your dad's Twitter pic is of an egg. Not the Twitter egg, an actual egg taken on a disposable camera, which he then got developed and scanned into his computer and then uploaded to Twitter. It's his favourite egg. Kai, your dad decided he wants to become a road man and keeps sending me texts saying I should holler at him

because he's got the dank. It's a very London your dad joke. Your dad checks himself out in the mirror and probably looks himself down just so he doesn't wreck himself. Elliot, your dad hates eggs. So I'm going to need a second. Danny? Yeah.

Your dad's Twitter bio reads as heard about on Sloss and Humphreys on the road. DM for direct bookings. Your dad was speechless when he was asked to describe himself in one word.

He should have just said speechless. Kai, your dad kites with his teeth. Kai, whenever your dad meets a black person he attempts to fist bump them and say wagwan.

When girls tell your dad they just want to be friends, he says, great, and then still tries to kiss them because that's what he does with his friends. Kai, your dad is available in all good toy stores. Danny, your dad thinks he's funny

because he wears his this is what a feminist looks like t-shirt to a strip club. Elliot, your dad salutes officers with both hands strip club. Elliot, your dad sleuths officers with both hands at once. Elliot, your dad wears a cone to stop him licking other people's stitches. Kai, your dad chose... What? Oh, I can't read.

I'll do this one. Kai, what's easier to read? Your dad built a man cave, but a bear started hibernating in it. Have you not done that one already? No I've definitely heard of that Someone else might have done it No it's something I threw in a whatsapp group Your dad relaxes by putting his

Your dad relaxes by putting his feet in one foot spa And his hands in another foot spa And then watching TV on all fours Elliot your dad's got a snaggle tooth on his arse what's a snaggle tooth it's one of those teeth

that stick out when he comes oh Danny Danny your dad chose chat shit get banged as his safe word

and that's why he's now got crutches your dad did spread in his tea errr Kyle your dad's got a boby like a woodpecker Drills into trees looking for grubs

Daniel your dad Fails his teeth down to a point to try and make him look medicine Alright Thank you to everyone that's come seeing us on tour You were all great Apart from you Hemel Hempstead Genuinely one of the best series we've had In fact the best series we've had Apart from you Hemel Hempstead Can'tuinely one of the best series we've had. In fact, the best series we've had apart from you,

Hamel Hempstead. Can't wait to come back next year to everywhere plus more, except you, Hamel Hempstead. If you listen to this now, you can come... If you listen to this on the date of its release, which is now,

me and Daniel are both going to be at the Soho Theatre. One of us at 9 o'clock, me, and one of us at 9 30 you all right so just go between them you gotta choose all right or just book a seat for your uh phone right and just put it on facetime on one of the chairs put one headphone and just get both i'll just come into one of our rooms and put a glass to the wall and listen to that uh and uh then we're doing Punch Drunk Nottingham and Punch Drunk Northumberland

so we're going to be 11th and 12th in Nottingham and we're going to be 17th for my solo show in Morbeth and then in Blythe with Daniel Sloss Nick Cody

and Ian Sterling is going to be in Cramlinton on the 18th Blythe on the 19th and then Ashington on the 20th Steel what are you up the 19th, and then Ashton on the 20th. Steel, what are you up to?

Just like my Twitter, Elliot Steelcom, Facebook, got a couple of videos coming, and oh yeah, I'll have some stuff in the new, oh, I'm not going to be on the podcast then, because I've got 60%. Yeah.

But yeah, just Facebook and Twitter. No, no, no, you will be on, because you have to come back on the podcast, and then you will be on. I'll get 60%, like, next time.

I mean, you won't, you won't, we'll make them harder. Bye, cunts!