Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.19 New Year New Cream

Episode Date: January 14, 2018

The year is well underway and the Sloss and Humphries roads have parted temporarily so we will alternate the podcast with special guests until we reunite. Muggins takes this week's poddy and the guest is super special, filling creams shoes is village doylum Elliot Steel. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rent job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Muggins, muggins everywhere and not a drop of cream. It's Kai back with Elliot Steele instead of Daniel. I really like those intros, Kai. I think that should just become the whole podcast. Thanks. Yeah. It should just be an hour of that. I'd love Daniel to pull his weight with those one time.

Yeah, he doesn't have a creative mind so he's just um yeah so we've got um this is the thing with this podcast right it's called sloss and humphries on the road and the whole point in it was when we're on the road because we're two are from september to december we'll do two uh two a day two a week two a day fucking just do nothing else one day you're gonna need a lot of idioms to fill them up and um so was the whole point, is just do it while we're on tour. It gives the people who have got tickets to come see our shows a little bit of background and a little bit of insight,

and it gives them a way they can enjoy the tour show a little bit more. And then when we go on stage at the end together, it's a bit of an exclusive podcast type of thing. So the whole point is to be on the road while we're on tour, and then it's done in December. But as soon as we stopped doing the podcast, we started getting tweets of people going,

oh, where's the podcast at? But we're not on the road together no more. I don't know how I'm going to do it. So the way we're going to do it is like we did last year and just alternate. So I'm going to do this week with a guest, Elliot Steele. Hello. Hello. Who you will remember from the Th cast and the thick cast part 2

I've got so many tweets about that you come across so stupid it's not stupidity it's a way of viewing the world that is misunderstood to be honest nobody's ever right about anything there's just a difference in opinion

well it's actually an archaic view on the world it's funny when I say archaic because I'm Jodie I'm saying arch well it's actually an archaic view on the world because it's funny when i say archaic because i'm jordy it sounds like i'm saying our cake it's an archaic um it's an archaic view on the world because i'm reading sapiens at the minute you know the book sapiens yeah yeah no i actually do do you know reading oh no all right i thought you were asking a guy called i thought you were talking about the author i know no reading yeah um oh what's his name again fucking yaul noah something I thought you were talking about the author. No, I'm not Noel reading. Oh, what's his name again? Fucking Yaoul Noah something.

Let's plug this book as well because it's a good book and I'm looking for it. I'm going to plug the headphones as a joke. You know, every podcast I'm just like, oh, I've got these Bose Q635s. The noise is cancelled in the headphones and they're actually like, I do it as a joke.

I'm plugging them. Tons of people have bought them like I've like tons of people have bought them I say tons you and you and Cody but your group weight is tons

mainly because of Cody are you going to give out like a discount code on the podcast if you go to post and enter Kai35 you get 10% off

and as well we made Daya text us saying that he's got a pair as well oh they're so good so that's three confirmed sales

that I've got it's interesting that it's more people that you know and deal with in life rather than just listeners of the podcast

they do listen to the podcast though we do yeah but it was more because when I asked you I have to give you a little go at them

so yeah I'm always on podcast listeners I am always trying Because you only have to give you a little go at them. Yeah. So yeah, I'm always on, podcast listeners. I am always trying to sell these headphones to people. The author is Yuval Noah Harari. And the book Sapiens is the history of humankind. And apparently we made huge developments when we decided that we don't know everything. Like when we thought we knew everything,

we weren't making so much progress. But when we just admit ignorance and just go, oh, I don't know everything. Like when we fought, we knew everything. We weren't making so much progress. But when we just like admit ignorance and just go, oh, I don't know the answer to that. Then you have this strive for discovery. And that's when we became a global species is when we had a thirst for adventure and discovery because we wanted knowledge. Whereas you, you'll not admit you don't know the answer.

You will fervently give the answer, even if it's wrong. Yeah, but... That's what makes you look stupid. admit you don't know the answer you will fervently give the answer even if it's wrong yeah but it's more that I just have a different sort of view on the world do you know what I mean like what is the correct answer you know what I mean you've also come through a world I mean I got like Daniel's going to be raging

that you're letting me get away with this level of stupidity on the podcast by the way I got the end of my teens before Google become the church of the people right because you used to go to god for answers but now you go to the internet right so we're all prey to the church of google now uh but i didn't have i didn't have a google childhood whereas you did so you always had that knowledge at the tip of your finger so you outsourced your memory yeah that must be that that's the way i've never thought of actually is that imagine me not thinking or something but then we've we've always just had this thing where you can go on like that that's ended every sort of conversation that people used to have like people get into arguments about oh no

like you know if there's like a bit of an urban myth yeah now you can just look it up and be like no you're wrong it's an urban myth and it just ends conversation however there is some things you can't find on the internet like why do my boss headphones not work with my ps4 oh what the fuck i can't find the answer for that anywhere it's a ps4 problem um they have a thing about uh they they kind of want you to buy their product to plug in to connect to the bluetooth for it and they never had it with ps3 it's a thing that they brought in with the ps4 so they did it to cock block both yeah uh well because the headphones the headphones work with your playstation but the mic doesn't it doesn't connect the mic so like you can have a great time playing solo player games as soon as you play online you can't talk to your pals and

you have to like you have to take it if i wanted to play online and play against you i have to put in the fucking ps4 one earpiece one that comes with it i'm like why have i just downgraded like fucking like what feels like 50 years of technology to oh it's so stupid'm like why have i just downgraded like fucking like what feels like 50 years of technology to oh it's so stupid it's one of the things you think like there was a board meeting where someone came out with that idea and everyone there went yeah the customers will love that yeah do you know i mean now yeah they're all gonna really want to buy our product after they do like you're still gonna buy the product but you just go because the headphones how did this get through several layers of like

where everyone will be looking at every minute detail and no one went hey Dave this is a really dumb fucking

idea let's not do this just let people connect their headphones and play with it and not even

mention it we'll let them discover it yeah because we've spent more on my headphones than we have

on the playstation yeah around that and you get fucked over like that like oh come

on guys I tweeted them asking them to get along for the kids sake big reply nah I was like

I love you both equally fucking get along for the kids sake can you please pay at devices you pack of cunts so yes we have

back to we'll unravel back to where we started we've got you on people might remember you from the thick cast we haven't got you on to ask you questions. You don't know the answer to just so we can laugh at you getting the answers wrong.

But we will do that in the future. We've got you on to be Daniel. So how was your Christmas, Daniel? Tell us all about it. Oh, it was so great. Did you, you're, tell me your age again, 21? 21, yeah. You're at the transition age where presents aren't as good?

It's horrible. You're going to get... Like, it's actually horrible. Luckily, I come from a small family, so that... They're small in numbers, they're all small people, so the clothes are, like, really small

and I don't have to spend much on them. You can throw a family in midgets. Just buy them kids' shoes and save a fortune. No, it's okay, but it is at that point now especially when you earn money you're like i can't make anyone something homemade unless i'm gonna put like three weeks worth of effort and it's gonna be a great yeah like i you know when people do amazing homemade gifts it's like

oh i've got all the videos of the family from over the years and it's like yeah i'm not gonna do that either i'll just i'll just allocate like 100 quid per person and then just lose out money on it because it's that point when you realize that you've spent more than you've earned yeah and then what happens what happens next right is you get to that point right so now you're you're spending more than you're receiving if you just about if you if you're wearing the gift you received and if you're wearing the gift that you bought right you're probably you're probably about even now would you say about even or would you say you spent yeah i did this the first year where you spent more i did a really smart thing i got sent by my agency a nice box of harrod's wine right and then what i did is because my family always preached communism

i don't drink so i gave that gift to my grandma because I knew she'd really like it and was just like oh there we go I've just essentially been given a gift and then get to give it to someone else and just swapped it

without having to do anything but like that she will really appreciate that gift but then I'll be like yeah yeah I went to Harrods and picked it out for you

I think you end up what's good is people buy your booze as well when you're an adult and they don't know what to get you when you're at the point as well where you're an adult and they don't know what to get you. When you're at the point as well where you're just buying stuff you need

and you become, oh, what do you get that person? They get your booze. But then that's your buy-in to parties. You go to a lot of parties, you bring a bottle of booze and you may not drink the bottle of booze you took as a gift,

but you're using that as a, it's saving you going to the shop. Yeah, you're just trading something out. You go in, you go out, you've got a box of Maltesers and a bottle of Baileys there, they buy it, I'm going to steal your PS with the fridge.

I'm going to ask for a half gram of MDMA next year to help me out with that. So what happens is, right, is you have to have that mental thing of going, oh, this is how it is now. I spend more than I've received, right? So I spent 16 years receiving more than I spent and then I start working at the age of 17 and then I start spending more than I get. And then you think to yourself, oh, but it's fine,

because I've just spent 16 years of receiving, so I've got to put the balance right and be the person that pays it forward now. But then once you've done 16 years, I'm 34 now, I've hit that critical point where I've got even number of Christmases that I've spent more

and Christmases that I've received more, and I just feel like putting my hands up and going, time served. That's dark. I'm done. Let's do the Christmas. That's so dark like to to have imagine like that you have that viewpoint on life no no not a viewpoint but now you're like i'm never probably gonna have a christmas where i earn more that's like the death of a childhood the childhood's over now yeah i'm like

i'll be a bit of a give-out christmas now but i've i opted out once before and i went um i went on holiday over christmas and i didn't receive any presents i didn't get any presents and i lay on of a give-out at Christmas now, but I've, I opted out once before and I went, I went on holiday over Christmas and I didn't receive any presents, I didn't get any presents and I lay on the beach with the money I would have spent

and went, this is mint. Yeah. I think I'd really like to snap out of the corporate fucking illusion of Christmas. Oh, absolutely. I would get better

because I'm not religious but I would get behind Christmas every single year for the simple fact if any religion like made the society that you're in take two weeks off at the same time as your mates, even if they went, we're going to pray to the church of fucking Narnia,

and we're going to pray to Aslan, the little baby Aslan, and you have two weeks off at the same time as your mates, I'd be like, fucking fix me up with a nativity play of Narnia. But that's what the other thing is around, I think, working our job.

Or people who work a sort of job that requires you to be working over Christmas because you feel like you're missing out on certain things because my mates will meet up on like a Saturday and I'll be like,

oh no, I'm working. And then that makes you even more annoyed at Christmas. I think, especially in our job where gigs get a little bit rowdy. Gigs and the people you know and every your family's at home or something but you've got to go out to wherever it is anyway but it's january now it's monday what have you done today i had to come around and do your chores for you that's what you did actually give me fucking tiny amount of tiny amount of my fiance's house

because wait wait first up podcast listeners me and Elliot have both got wet feet I better take my

I better take my socks off you're a person if you only wear wet socks yeah I'm going for it true fuck right and Elliot gave me one job to do today

she's like and you take the Christmas tree out what's the date the 8th yeah the Christmas tree out what's the date the 8th yeah the 8th right it's the 8th so it's

we've all right we've had a dead tree in the corner of the room since Boxing Day we forgot to water it every day no you didn't forget to water it every day

that's why we've got wet feet I suppose so they must have done it I forgot to water it but we tried to carry it out and we put it on its end

right so you could grab one and I could grab the other and you were like should we not take the base off first I was like no just tip it up he was like

just take the base off and then carry it I was like no we'll just put it in the bin with the base and then when you carried it it poured out and you were like

see do you want to do you want to tell him how you upset the maintenance man yeah well we'll get to it so we flooded the fucking house, basically. We're tipping the water out.

And then we eventually carried it outside. We're fucking hitting every wall, every corner on the way, and it's just knocking hundreds of pines off. We're going to be finding pines for the next 12 months in this flat. Guaranteed. Yeah, until it's time to get another Christmas tree. You'll just clean it up, and then you'll get the other one. And then, so I pressed the button for the lift

and it was on the ground floor and it went up to one, to two, the floor we're on, to three, to four. So I'm like, oh,

the lift's programmed to get the people at the top floor first, bring them down, get us on the way down, right? So we knew that we're not going to get this lift because we've got a fucking Christmas tree to carry.

So we'll put the Christmas tree right in front of the doors and then hit her in the corner because we're 12 year olds and we're peeking around the corner to see if we can see the person

we couldn't see the lift door so we're like oh now I can't see the response so I've had a look and I go oh look a Christmas tree

for fuck's sake man grow up I don't know how they responded but they went down to the bottom floor and then we come back through press the button again

and they'd come up the floor too and they'd go on the lift fucking made a clip of the lift oh there's just bits of tree everywhere it's like you know that scene in Drive where he beats someone's head in with a lift it's like replace the person he's killing

with a Christmas tree that's how the lift looked after I haven't seen the film Drive I'm sorry oh okay well that was a great reference good reference for the listeners but let's quickly talk about looked after. I haven't seen the film Drive, I'm sorry. Oh, okay, well that was a great reference. Good reference for the listeners, but let's quickly talk about Ryan Gosling. I watched, what's the, Behind the Pines? Into the Pines.

What lies behind the Pines, what's it called? Into the Pines. It's not Into the Pines. It's Into the Pines. Nah. It's Beyond the Pines. Beyond the Pines. The Place Beyond the Pines.

Right. Because it's a long title. I don't know. It's not just like Beyond the Pines, it's like The. The Place Beyond the Pines. Right. Because it's a long title. I don't know. It's not just like Beyond the Pines. It's like The Place Beyond... It's something like that, right? And it's actually fucking... Wait.

Pause this fort. We're in the lift of the Christmas tree. Right. Let's go around Gosling. Go back in the lift. It's three movies. Yeah. It's the movie with him in.

It's the movie with fucking... Not Gerard Butler. What's it called? Bradley Cooper. Bradley Cooper and Ray Liotta and Ray Liotta so there's their story's the middle

it could have easily just been a three part series couldn't it yeah but it's like three completely different movies and then there's

the bit with the kids at the end so it's like a really like great way of like directing the movie I was shocked by it it was like

oh fuck the rules it's quite good like I like the style but the first section Ryan Gosling grossly miscast they should have put Chris Payne in it actually

this isn't me just playing on the pun on Payne's and shit right but Chris Payne you've seen in Hell and High Water he can play a bad boy but have redeeming features I like Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling did not have any redeeming features apart from his pretty little fucking face with a very redeeming feature it's not enough it's not enough have a redeeming feature why is that girl even fucking face. With a very redeeming feature. It's not enough. It's not enough.

Have a redeeming feature. Why is that girl even fucking here? You're a bellend. She's that shallow. I saw this film years ago, so I can't remember it. Because then you start hating the girl for even going with him

because you're like, oh, you're a shallow piece of shit for going with him because he's a cunt. Didn't reward his cunt cuntness just because he's got a pretty face. Right, so anyway. This is a very explicit

commode uncut version. So what I discovered with Ryan Gosling is like, as I'm going to put it, I started watching drive and I just was like, fuck this bell ended, knocked it off. It's a, it's a great,

drives a great film. You've just got a, it's, it is a good film. It's like, as if grandfather was a movie. So, so I've seen him in another couple of films where he didn't have charisma either.

Cause he thinks he can just get away with pausing and being moody and he pauses for so fucking long that I think any Ryan Gosling movie without the pauses

would be four minutes long just opening credits a guy having a quick chat and they're closing credits like fucking easy as that I've got more of my day left to play Skyrim so get in the lift

and then go down to the ground floor and there's pines everywhere there's pains everywhere right i'm not just pains but fucking water at the base of the tree it's a branch and we're just we're just laughing because i'm going oh natalie's gonna come in going to the lift and be like well at least i know the tree's no longer in my flat yeah and when the doors opened there was the fucking maintenance guy mopping the floor and i fucking broke my heart because he was clearly the guy that was on floor six because he's fucking worked his way right up to the top and then he's come down in the lift and then he's done the bottom floor that's how you would do it right you would work your way up come back down do the bottom floor

that's clearly how he's done his business he would have been there when the doors opened and the prank was on him with a tree and then we'd come laughing and giggling

because we've done the little prank and then he's mopping the floor and he's thinking of himself oh fuck I've already done floor two and this floor and we're just like

laughing at something else well not something else the thing that we did here we wouldn't know that he just tidied up

oh I felt so bad you felt bad you ran away yeah I couldn't actually run I couldn't I couldn't

I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't

I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't

I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't

I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't

I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't

I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't

I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't

I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't

I couldn't I couldn't I couldn door and there's a particular there's a particular place but he like stormed off in a bit of a huff right when he saw he was like oh and then like went went away and you fucking ran into the car park yeah i didn't want to back door i couldn't i couldn't look at what i'd done i felt so guilty it's like have you ever seen that picture where they make the nazis re-watch footage of what they've done and they're all like looking away and they feel horrific that i can i now understand that like i felt like i did that yeah i'm just watching him because he was there mopping the floor kai and i'm the door opens and i'm just giggling because i'm like oh we made a mess and i'm like oh because i i fucking probably felt his pain too because I think the privileged

way of looking at it would be like oh but he's on the clock he's getting paid regardless of what he's doing it doesn't matter it's just like it's giving him something

to do while he's at work that bullshit but when you work in that job which I have done I've worked in maintenance I worked as a lifeguard at a sports centre but for the half hour

you're off the pool you're just a glorified cleaner so we like clean the cafe and the fucking squash courts and like just keep the place maintained throughout the day and you go off this like the thing that gets through the day is you go when i finish this if i can get this 15 minute job done in 10 minutes i can pop into the staff

room and uh and check my phone and fanny on for a bit have a cup of tea have a cup of tea right but now he's looking at that going well i've fucking got to get back in there and fucking do that otherwise me boss will think I've done nothing all day I thought I said clean them but there's fucking paint trees so we technically

instead of doing this podcast and I've come over specifically to do the podcast we should have pied this podcast and fucking I should have tidied up my mess in the corridors

yeah but I should have and you know what I'm going to do if after the podcast it's still there I'm going to do it I think the podcast should have been you

just tidying up while talking your way through it but it was what you said afterwards it's like if you wrote that into a sitcom

you would go oh come on that's too cheap and easy yeah the two lads are taking the Christmas tree out of one of their fiancés

to try and be helpful mess everything up and then ruin a cleaner's day. Poor boys. You'd be like, oh, come on. It's 2018. Men can clean up properly. Then we're just

ruining everything. Oh, my God. As well, I wanted to mention about the transition of who if the money you spend on christmas is i remember um one christmas when i was 22 i think this was like a a real big in my head where i'm like oh i don't get a big present no more was on um when i was 22 i just bought a place right and that all of my resources were going into furnishing it

and i didn't get the xbox 360 when i came out so I was desperate to have an Xbox 360 and I dropped a bunch of hints I was thinking oh maybe my mum and dad will get us an Xbox 360 like we're following me flat and um it was on the day of Christmas day up now me presents no Xbox 360 and then um after Christmas dinner my mum went oh I've got one present she brought a present doing in a box right and put it doing it for us I was like

oh you little bugger open it up and it was a bread bin it was a bread bin for me flat and she saved it for after no

she legit forgot it and when she come down and went oh I forgot an item and brought it doing she legit forgot it but And when she come down and went, oh, I forgot an item, it brought it down. She legit forgot it. But it looked like a play. It looked like she played us.

Oh, Linda, what are you like? Did you have to be like, oh, gee, thanks, mum. I was sick of my bread going dry quick. I can't move for all the bread in my flat now. I've got somewhere to put it. But that's funny as well, when people buy you practical gifts now,

it's not about your play. Christmas ain't about furnishing you with entertainment items. It's practical items now. Things to make your day better. Yeah, my sister's just started working and she's done that thing where she didn't buy anyone anything. Yeah. She was at her friend's.

Nice. And I just looked at that and I was like damn it i should have like as well because the age she is she's a bit younger than you right she's doing that at the perfect time to solidify that as her approach so people will stop buying her stuff she'll not buy other people's stuff oh she still wants people to buy her stuff though oh no yeah yeah that's dark yeah because that would be like i I'd love Christmas without the gifts. I'd love to opt out. Yeah, I'd like to just have it with one person

or a couple of people. You have a thing like, okay, cool, we'll get something that you know the other person will want. Do you know what I mean? But if you want to get someone a gift, get them a gift. Because I'd like to buy people gifts on a whim

all year round. That would be a nice approach as if I just like that. Because there's an expectation on it too. Like if you don't buy people gifts, it's rude. Whereas it should be nice if you do get them a gift. Yeah. It's like people are expecting gifts. Like what have I got to get them?

It ceases becoming a gift and it's more an obligation and a chore. Whereas if it was just all year round, you were just kind. And you say something and go, oh, you know what all year round you were just kind and you say something and go oh you know what my brother would love that and then you buy it and then the next time you see me like hey i saw this in the shop i thought it was right down your street i hope you like it that would be mint yeah the one it would spread the cost yeah the one thing i will say though that did help me out this year though that was incredible was amazon prime on the 23rd of december i ordered my family gifts and they were

there the next day they're there the next day it was just i didn't have to go shopping i didn't have to deal with other people i feel so bad for people who work in retail at christmas yeah because you're just having to listen to christmas music all day which must do your head in like you can't escape from the fact that it's christmas and it's christmas in the place that you least want to be at christmas work and that's where it's going to be most christmassy because it's forced they've got to try and make people think oh yeah you've got to buy stuff it's christmas it's christmas and you're there all day and then you've just got dickheads like me walking in who don't know what they're buying for anyone and it's fucking scratching your head getting in the way while yeah this is just unfolding clothes that they folded up bringing

in my Christmas tree and dumping pints over the floor. It's like opening a Christmas tree in Jack Jones. What was the other, who stole that thing you talked about earlier? Who stole what?

You were like, oh, someone stole the charger. Oh yeah, I, so fucking, because this is, you know, we're travelling on tour right i've got like

that was our seventh tour i think it was turn number seven right i've refined how i like to live my life and i've got like i've got a bunch of stuff that i use and i've updated it like i did the switch to me things this year so i've got like got my switch got my ipad you spend like all the time away from home no home comforts so you you fill your fucking hand luggage with shit that you need and now one of the items which i love is i've got this uh like probably one of the highest powered battery packs that you can get from maplins i just went in and just got the best one it's got two charging points in it and so like you've always got your headphones charged you have phone charge iphone charge and you don't need to look for a plug socket in the train station or anything, it's sorted

so this battery pack is an essential part of my travel stuff and Natalie's friend brought a friend to my Soho show and went for a bite to eat beforehand and I borrowed a friend's friend my battery pack and she didn't give it back

and then it was like, before I went on the road again for the full Christmas she had three opportunities to drop it into the soho theater to katie's house because natalie was going to see katie like people around her and she said she was going to do it but then didn't do it so she was clearly just enjoying my battery pack oh she gave that to someone as a christmas present she just goes oh i've missed the opportunity to hand it to her why are you the money and she actually wired us the money through for me fucking battery pack.

So she's just got that, started enjoying it so much. And then bought an office. And she bought an office for Voodoo Legan. Oh, this is class, haven't you? Here's your money. Just because I've been travelling

and going around, I haven't fucking went into the maplings already. I've lived with Voodoo Legan all through Christmas. And it's my own, I've been a martyr here. I could have just went into the Maplans I've lived with Christmas and it's my own I've been a martyr here I could have just

went to the shop and gotten it but like basically what she did is give me an errand days of fave I'm going to Maplans and buy me one

that's what she's doing I like that policy of that I'm going to take people's things and go on like some four week free trial with it

and then if I like it I'm just going to send them the money for it send them the money for it the money you know i would say i went there two weeks i bought a new one like yesterday like the full christmas i didn't realize how much you need it when you've got stuff that runs in a bar you don't have a homestead you know and you're just on the road all the time

but um but yeah she just borrowed it and then fucking just went ah fucking i'm having it here's your dosh coming to money. And she waited too. So that was what that was. Oh, that's pretty funny. That's pretty gangster of her. Just taking someone's things. She didn't have to wire you the money, though. It's cavalier.

Oh, yeah, because it's a friend of a friend. She could have just went, fuck that guy. Yeah, she could have just kept that. And even if she bumped into you. That's a horrible outlook to go on. She could have done that. I could have run someone over on the street, but I didn't because I'm such a naysayer.

No, no, no, I know, but at least she had the decency to be like, oh God, I'll just wire him the money. We might be looking at it like she's enjoying it and she might just be like, oh, I haven't got time to go into any of these places. Yeah, she's stuck with this battery pack. I spent 40 quid over the Christmas.

Oh, was it 40? It was 40 quid. It's only 40 quid. Should we get out a plug as well? But when I went to get it, I realised there's a 50 quid one now that the air charges instead of six. I'm going in. And did you tell her it was? it's only 40 quid but when I went to get it I realised there's a 50 quid one now that'll be 8 charges

instead of 6 I'm going in and did you tenner it I just went up yours a tenner muggle corner should we put

a sticker to some muggles for sure new year new muggles yes new year new me

I've actually been I'm being a bit of a muggle right now. I am getting into... I think New Year's resolutions are pretty good. Are you putting that in the muggle corner, no? New Year's resolutions? No. No, let's talk about New Year's resolutions.

Because it is kind of muggly to just go, right, new year, new me. I'm going to do this now. But it's a real good jump off. You've just finished party season. You've fucking ate your weight and chocolate you've like actually overindulgence

is such a great way of getting healthy because you'll start like living like fucking a king just eating and drinking and all that shit right but you know that

in January you can put it right yeah so yeah enjoy Christmas morning on that January we're on the corner but we've both getting back into the gym

and shit and we're working out I haven't had a cigarette or dropped my alcohol I'm not quitting alcohol but i just i'm just not doing it on a habitually yeah so i think it's that first week of getting back into like the gym and stuff is the worst because when you go in and you see people who've trained over christmas especially with muay thai or martial art like when i go in and I see the guys who've been training over Christmas and they're just still at a steady pace

I'm like oh why didn't I I wish I I wish I had the willpower to do that that nearly fucking killed me dude it was on the 3rd

the 3rd was my first day back with Muay Thai I actually went out and had a fucking 10k run on the 2nd so that I could get me like knock the rust off before I went in

thinking that I'd pre-prepare myself for it it eased me sort of in fuck I was not prepared for a bunch of fucking athletes that have been training right the way through

the Christmas and I come in and now they're skipping they do two minutes of skipping for three rounds and in between each round you do ten burpees

ten press ups ten squats ten sit ups so you do three rounds of that and there's no break and there's no break so you're resting

from your skipping while doing burpees so you're not resting so when you get to the it there's no break so you're resting from your skipping while doing burpees so you're not so when you get to the it gets to the point where you're doing sit ups and you're like oh finally i can have a breather because i'm just doing the sit-ups now that's that's fine yeah they're easy they're there that's your 10 10 seconds or less yeah if like oh thank god it's this one right and then um after that they've done sprints where you sprint down the middle run so i'm like doing these sprints, but I'm on a loop with people that have been training

all fucking Christmas, so I'm having to get on at their pace. And then in between, you're doing shadowboxing where your concentration's fucked because you're gassed from sprinting. And by the time I'd finished my warm-up, that's the warm-up,

I was fucked. I wanted to die. Yeah. Getting through the warm-up with that, I always think, is one of the worst verometers for your fitness because when you get to the point where it's pads and stuff it's actually all right like you it's actually a bit easier than than what but it's doing the warm-up because the warm-up's the

hard part yeah like i always find and the end the end bit of fitness as well is always the worst bit i think because your legs are heavy then, because you've been doing kicks. Yeah. But there's a bit where, so we're doing like pad work, so you had, we were doing kicks on the pads, and they're like, what is it, like two minutes? Yeah.

Each round, maybe it's three. And he started correcting someone's technique over there, and just forgot about the clock. And I'm doing fucking kicks in the other corner of the gym for what felt like fucking three years. I was like, am I just going to do this until I die? I had someone, one of the coaches in one of the classes took a work call while I was left on the bag

and just was like, yeah, just keep going. And just took a work call. Went off, had a work call and came back. I was like, yeah, but now you know you can get through it. And I was like, yeah, but that's not... Yeah, it's a good way to start hating them doing it why are you torturing us dude the worst one i always hated was uh we're not leaving until you get you get it right have you ever had that nah you know i had that in a boxing gym i'd only be there two minutes

i had that in a gym before when a uh if um you messed one thing up you started again and uh when you did a circuit if you gassed the other person would have to do the press-ups before the sparring so it would make them really go for you so it's guilty when going the extra mile yeah it's good but it encourages the teamwork aspects of it but it shows you how little conscious you have yeah um so that yeah i really had trouble with my first session because of the people that had went through and didn't and because at any rate you go there what do you say at the beginning of every session you'll say does anybody have any ailments or illnesses that you should know about you always check that just in case

anyone's picked up any injuries anything that you've got to avoid and i was thinking to myself the amount of smoke and drunk and put up my nose, I should probably tell him about that. I should probably just go, I have been smoking fucking 20 a day and taking drugs and drinking over the Christmas. And he's got no teasers all day.

I didn't want to have a heart attack, dude. Yeah. So, yeah, I got through it because that's like people say you shouldn't train so hard on your first

run back because it could put you off but fuck man that's weakness that's fucking weakness you know when am I going to train very hard

in the first place for you if you're going to oh I'm scared of getting scared of getting out of breath that's why

I like people I think doing something like I used to just go to the gym but then I found doing something like Muay Thai or anything like that because that's why i like people i think doing something like i used to just go to the gym but then i found doing something like muay thai or anything like that because there's someone there telling you what to do you actually find out oh i can do it usually the person who stops me from doing it is me like if i ever slack off in the gym because i'm like i've just lifted that i've

a break but there you see everyone else is doing it so you go oh i don't want to be the odd one out like i don't want to be the odd one out like i don't want to be the person who doesn't do it like it gets you to conform to it so much more yeah and as well it get like the next day i went in and it was pretty much the same drill but i'd fucking i was just a little bit fitter than i was yesterday and uh i was like i was out of breath i was fucked but i didn't feel like i needed to tap out and then today was like my third session back because i went away for the weekend and i was just like my third session back because I went away for the weekend

and I was just like oh right I'm starting it's starting to feel normal to do a 90 minute session now yeah I took a leg injury last Thursday

so I'm it's bitching it especially so early in the year when you're getting momentum it sucks well I hope everyone is fucking new year new muggle

and you are getting getting better in yourselves already because it is fucking it does seem muggly but you know what if you're better in yourself it's fine to be a muggle and you are getting getting into bettering yourselves already because it is fucking it does seem muggly but you know what if if you're bettering yourself it's fine to be a muggle to what you're putting in muggle corner i'm gonna stick on the topic of the gyms muggles get annoyed

at gym newcomers around new year's look at mine regular gym goers who complain about new people in the gym in january yeah let's double down on this what's your point on it right just i'm gonna i'm gonna play devil's advocate a bit yeah new gym goers can be annoying they get especially when there's a wave of them because they'll take up a machine they'll work they won't wipe something down they don't quite get it yeah they're sat on the fucking machine on the phone yeah just just do you know what i mean but it's amplified and made so much worse than it actually is and people use it to humble brag yeah people use it to put output on on various medias saying look i go to the gym all

the time now these people that aren't better than come on the first day and they're like they're fucking the the confidence it takes for someone that doesn't go to the gym to step in the gym, right? It's a real battle against anxiety for a lot of people. So you've got to respect that. You go every day, it's easy for you to step in the gym. For them to step in the gym, they've fucking combated something. They've had internal conflict to get it up to this point.

So you've got to have a bit of respect for the people that are newcomers. And also, I don't know, I try not to interact with anybody really at the gym, but you should be supportive rather than... It makes it so much easier, I find. I never like interacting too much at the gym because I can find you can then be there and having more social time

than the reason you've actually gone there for. Especially when it's down to you, like I was saying. If you sit around and your mate's in there there you can end up having a chat for 15 minutes instead of actually doing anything but I always like saying like hello to people and stuff and especially newer people because it gets rid of the intimidating environment of it like if there's big people in a weights machine and you need to get the confidence to go up and be like hey mate how long are you gonna be yeah and then that person says hello to you that makes that so much more easier even if it's like uh even if it's less less conversational and

more business like hey are you going to be using this is it all right if i use this for five minutes and just like you know maybe like one of the handles from the cables like one of the ropes or something and it's go is it all right if i just use this you don't plan on using it and then like it breaks that like just fucking you know everyone's in their own little bubble you've interacted with someone a bit and then it's fine. What do you think some of the worst gym etiquette you've ever seen is?

You know what, I think if anyone like came and tried to correct me form, I told us how to train, I think I'd just be like, fucking step back. So, I think that would be the worst.

On my first day back at Muay Thai, I went in on the first day that it was back and I accidentally joined in with the MMA class to the first day that it was back and i accidentally joined in with the mma class to start with but it was a high level mma class i didn't realize so then i went over to the muay thai session but it was only an intro level muay thai session going on and uh so i'm a level above that and i was there and one of the guys who i was doing kicks with like i was just taking it really lightly then corrected my kicks oh just one of the guys who I was doing kicks with, like I was just taking it really lightly, then corrected my kicks.

Oh, just one of the other... Just one of the other guys on the thing. And like, it took me everything not to be like, yeah, dude, don't worry, I know what I'm doing. Like, it just took everything to be like, oh, did you just do it? Yeah, I had a guy that was new to the gym, taught us how to hold the pads once.

Oh! I think they're made like consider it as well when you're training with them you're spotting so many things with them

that like you know are wrong but you're not actually equipped to correct them you can like maybe I've lent guidance to people that are

brand new before but if there's anybody been going to similar times with me sometimes like you know if we're watching and I see that somebody's dropping their guard

I'll let them know with a pad let them know that it's open just go to you can get hit there and there's like hang out to get there but if like it's it's funny when people try and use it as like a power thing if like it's the worst and you're like the coach is there the coach can see us if he'd picked up one and he would have told us that's that's always my thing i was having a chat with one of the crew wil Wilker, at my gym, who's just been ranked number one in his weight category at K1, right? And I said to him one time,

I was like, I only listen to the coaches here because I get given so much advice by some other people, but it's like, yeah, but those are the paid professionals. Yeah, and they give you conflict and advice as well. You don't want to come from all that. Yeah, and you don't want to go down there and have to take 10 things in on one day

because it's just going to overload you but uh there was talking about bad etiquette there was one lad in on the thursday last week who was doing it he was clearly his first time in the gym right so um we're about 20 minutes into the session and he fucking disappeared to the changing room come back with his phone and charger and plug his charger in and honestly this is when I realised that Muay Thai is a discipline because the fucking coach

wanted to actually murder him and the coach had to show discipline to let him know that he was fucking like breaching the dojos

like the respect of the fucking arena right but not not scare him away yeah to explain to people why that's like so bad okay so when you turn up you have to take your shoes off you sort of there's a bit of a

bow to there's very much a hierarchy in that you call the teacher crew yeah and last week on thursday crew was taking a lesson and i accidentally went jay and he went it's crew and i went oh sorry because it just slipped and i felt embarrassed because it is this person's giving you a lesson so they're the teacher and that there is a bit of a you have to be disciplined within it yeah so doing that is just that's like in a middle of a converse it's quite military isn't it yeah but for him to go and get that i just like heard him pull him to one side and just like firm as anyone just going that should be the last thing on your mind right now I'm mad that you did it

but I'm mad that you are even thinking about it like why are you thinking about anything else apart from what we're doing if that person continues with Muay Thai they're in like

two months going to feel so embarrassed they'll tell that story to their mates going oh my god one time on my first lesson people going you did what

yeah so yeah so the newcomers at the gym it is like funny that little reach out again they don't know and they're integrating trying to jump in but the fact that yeah the shaming part of it the fact that like they they're coming into that gym and they're giving it a go and they might even find out it's not for them and leave by february and that's what people don't like about it is that they don't come all year round they're trying something out

they're trying a new thing they They're trying to improve themselves. Realize it's not for them to drop off and they've come into their domain. But what is worse than those people, and this is borrowed sentiments, I've seen this before, is the people that just got into the pubs in December. The guys that are saying,

oh, who comes to the gym just in January, they're the cunts that can't handle a beer. They're the cunts that fucking come to comedy gigs and fucking shout out because they're drunk and they're showing off in front of their mates the worst night of the year I always think

to go out clubbing or anything will be New Year's because you get that extra 20-30% of people who cannot handle their shit and they go drinking

when people say no you're limiting drinking it's not like oh I know after four beers it's just see how you feel do you know what I mean if you're fucked and you know you can get more fucked and you're not going it's not like oh i know after four beers it's just see how you feel do you know i mean if you're fucked and you know you can get more fucked and you're not going to be a burden

that's fine by me do you know i mean that's fine but it's then people who get i was saying this to jamali the other day right about after gigs nothing scares me more like women in their mid-30s who've had too much white wine i love that you said mid-30s that's my age it's terrifying it's that anti-feeling isn't it the drunk andy and they can't excuse i just wanted to say that i thought you were and that thing let me and they just start grabbing you and you go like oh my god they start getting a bit predatory yeah it just gets a little bit that more like the reason it's not a threat is because I do Muay Thai and I can't mark them up.

While you've been practising drinking, I've been practising my sphinx. I'm not going to be here. I'm not going to be your next victim. There is something funny about that fucking drunk auntie vibe we were at a thing over Christmas and there was I won't say where

but there was a moment where I think we just went to play some Mario Kart or something wasn't it and someone got annoyed one of our friends yeah just got a bit like oh where are you going And it was like

Everyone here is Doing their thing It's cool It was like fucking Because we'd all done our gigs Went to join Natalie And our pals And Brett and everyone

Was there In the nightclub That Mary and Sarah Were running Yeah Beckham Was wicked as well And then we came back here In this flat

And the Christmas tree Was in full bloom With baubles on it And then um it got like four in the morning people are like having their own conversation now and there's people in the kitchen people in the bedroom like the party's like formed and then we started playing Mario Kart four player across two switches me you Tom and Sloss yeah so it was and then like that made us rude and Sarah was just like you've all got such pretty girls with you

and you're just ignoring them and playing on your Mario and that and I was like oh fuck we're just playing Mario Kart this is more annoying

than a blue shell you put fucking grease on earlier yeah do you remember when we sat there and we had to watch that video

of that guy that five minute video of that guy proposing to his girlfriend. And I was just like... Yeah, they were putting proposal videos on. But without a fail. Yeah.

No failed videos. Proposals. Yeah, yeah. That was sweet. Yeah. I was waiting for the moment when she was going to say no. Oh, it's just like, had me fucking hard cocked, ready for the heartbreak.

Took me fucking spine out. I was like what is that the is that the end of the video they're getting married I think it's funny as well

like I am not going to put my because you just threw Sarah Holgate into the drunk auntie vibe and you are in deep trouble

am I I'll take that beat when I come to you Sarah sound as fuck. Oh, yeah, no, she's lovely. No, no, no. I'm just disassociating myself from your team when it comes to...

Ah, that's fine. I'll double down. But you put her in Muggle Corner. Yeah. I'll throw her in Muggle Corner. I'll throw Kate in Muggle Corner. And I'll throw Natalie in Muggle Corner. For getting upset when we're playing Mario Kart.

Pretty Liam the Way in Muggle Corner for playing fucking video games at a party. Oh yeah, no, definitely that could be the other Muggle. So right, the people that complain about new gym gym goers in January are in Muggle Corner. If you've been vocal about your about your disdain

towards these people, get in the corner. Next Muggle Corner. So we've done one each. We've done one each we've got two each to go um his and hers matching clothes or jewelry if that's not already been in muggle i don't think it has but like um danny put me and natalie in muggle corner this christmas and i was so i'm like i bet i i bet i put my hand up shame myself and say look it's me

when so Natalie told us she had me a Christmas jumper sorted and it was the red

Merry Christmas you filthy muggle Christmas jumper which I bought myself the white one for me and her we're rocking around on Christmas

with his and hers matching Christmas jumpers it's fine on Christmas I mean just even by wearing a Christmas jumper you're fucking assigned to being a muggle yeah Christmas Christmas is a time where you're fucking assigned to being a muggle yeah Christmas

Christmas is a time where you're meant to celebrate that muggleness well last year I put Christmas in muggle corner Christmas is fucking muggle it's a muggle beehive

oh it absolutely is but you embrace it right you embrace it you're around your family so you have to have family fun which is usually muggly it's like a game of charades

yeah that's muggly but it's great you game of charades. Yeah. That's Muggly, but it's great. You could do a fucking Christmas special on Muggles, because there's probably like a hundred things surrounding Christmas that's Muggly, right? One of them being Christmas jumpers, but doubling down on his and his. But it made me think, like,

Danny was essentially right. I was committing to being a Muggle by putting a Christmas jumper on. Natalie was committing to being a Muggle by buying me his and hers. We were being self-aware muggles. But it's a legit thing. Have you ever seen these stuff?

Facebook advertisements where king and queen are on. But that to me never says I'm in a really happy, secure relationship. Do you know what I mean? That we have to wear these kind of things. That we've both got a pair of matching Air Force Nike trainers? It's a jealousy fire blanket. It's like everybody needs to know you're with me. I'll put a fucking stamp on you.

The stamp that's his main. It feels like that's such a thing my generation is responsible for buying into more than anything. I don't know. I think fucking old people do it in a different way. not like get rid of jealousy but getting wedding rings by getting practicality and i was thinking like fucking his and his regatta jackets like fucking for when they go walking in the hills they've both got the same fucking winter warmer on or whatever yeah you do see that that's that's a much sweeter version but there's much more of the social media aspects when it comes to my generation of that. When people buy a matching...

Have you ever seen them like, I'm with her jumper, and it'll have a picture of a girl's face on it, and you'll see a girl be like, oh, he's going on his stag do, and I've bought him this. And you're like, you know he can take that off. He's going to put that on for like three quarters,

and it's going to look like he bought the whole holder. Yeah, I think it's super muggly I think it's part of that whole it's like when people share those keep tagging each other constantly in Facebook

posts like I super love my bundle and you're like that's not what people would have been loved to do

I've spoken to this with Sloss before about that seems to me like when you're playing football manager and you get the manager's vote of confidence from the board if somebody puts I love my girlfriend so much on Facebook

I'm like oh you were in rocky seas you've had three games to get a result I don't know because I've never really been i've never had to do that sort of thing but i i just don't i think people share all of that that buying each other clothes thing that is matching especially when it's like matching tracksuits or something i saw one where someone shared a thing and it was like a picture of uh Bugatti Veyron, some of the most expensive cars in the world. And it was like a gold, like obviously one was like a blue collar

and a pink collar for like the masculine and feminine and being like, this is how I want to be with my wife. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Why do you need matching Bugatti Veyrons? That's, it was just so mugging.

Just be individual. Stop trying to become one person. Stop trying to merge into fucking, because that's the thing, so mugging just be individual stop trying to become one person yeah stop trying to merge into fucking because that's the thing right everybody is like

unique and they've got their own shit that they like right like fucking I like my Playstation and Muay Thai Natalie doesn't like

her Playstation and Muay Thai right but I don't cut them bits off me so that we fit yeah you know

I'll do my thing she'll do her thing and we'll work together as two individuals perfect then we try and become the same individual. Is that going to clash? It's so irritating, but it's such a millennial thing.

I see it a lot with millennials. I had a friend who him and his missus got matching pair of trainers. Gross. How about, I don't know if this is muggly, but Natalie often chooses clothes for us because I dress myself terribly. That's because you're her project. I just did a decent job.

I did look better than the clothes I wear. But she reckons I dress myself like a toddler. Like a 30-odd-year-old man. I can't run with a bright red and blue fucking firetrap jacket. What Kai's in right now is in just a t-shirt just a t-shirt

he's just wearing Merry Christmas you filthy muggle and that's it but she dresses very plain though I used to wear really loud clothes

like I used to have loud clothes like like garish like I had this jacket that I fucking loved

that was bright blue on the torso and then the arms were red bright red and it was made of like this kind of waterproof highly flammable material right

it was fat it was kind of expensive but I fucking loved it and it was like you could have it inside out as well and it had like a grey inside lining

and you could wear it as a hoodie and I loved it but Natalie was just like fucking hated it probably despised it and now I've got this thing I'll be wearing like a

like a non eye catching hoodie with a non eye catching jacket over the top of it and actually look really smart but like it wasn't the style I was rocking, just changing this but I'm letting it happen because it's actually for the better

yeah to see a point why am I trying to attention seek with me clothes do you still go out in like kappa tracksuits

like I've seen pictures of oh mate you know this I was a proper chav I had well into me 20s do you know that yeah I've seen the photos

I'm a rehabilitated chav I'd wear a tracksuit and bleach me hair right well into me 20s to like 25 but I don't think tracksuits are that chavvy if you're not if you're not using them for sport no but i used to gig in them i don't know the abercrombie tracksuit bottom i used to gig in these abercrombie tracksuit

bottom i don't think that's too bad i don't think that's too bad i'll tell you why because if you actually there's some nice tracksuits out there like if you know a decent tracksuit like if someone was to wear like a abacombi's decent even even some of the adidas and nike ones if they're decent quality a good tracksuit but it was uh it was julia chamberlain that tackles out of it like my agent did as well so it wasn't natalie it wasn't i didn't know natalie before i got past this i got past this hurdle on my own right well well with the help of some friends but it was julia who books a few gigs uh who like loved loved react but she said to this uh it took me a good couple of minutes the first time i saw it i realized you weren't a character act and that's actually you and then it was still

seriously and she's good but it was still like charming to know that's you and that's not a character right but uh but it has people confused for a couple of minutes and then she said uh in the tracksuit bottoms thing like that's like the main thing it looks like i've dressed specifically to look chavvy rather than i'm just a chav right and then she was going because it's a friday night people are fucking coming in on a night out they've dressed up they've spent hours getting ready they come to the comedy and then you've pulled on a pair of slacks that took you 30 seconds yeah at least do them a solid and make a little bit of an effort yeah i think it is important to make a bit of effort for shing yeah especially when i've realized that like our people have paid money to come see a night of comedy and if you just turn up sort of looking

unless you can pull it off unless it's a thing in your act you know what i mean but if you just come on looking like you're not really bothered about being there it does take that it's that extra bit harder to win them over yeah so um so yeah she's i am a project they're kind of bit muggly but she's she's doing a good job and i'm letting it happen because i'm like oh now i look better and i feel better i think it's funny if you do things that are muggly but you're self-aware but i'd hate to be i'd hate to feel repressed by that though i'd hate to be sat here new gun um but that jacket was aww but I'm like you know what now we've opened

my eyes you've got a point jacket watch give it to charity someone else is enjoying it what do you think the worst thing

you've ever gigged in is like clove wise I don't know do you remember when we were we both stayed up one night

to watch our first ever stand up like put out their stand up clips yeah and we were

watching my oh yeah one right one didn't make it myself watch each other for like 10 years like well mine was nearly 10 years ago from when we first started and we put mine on and i was in the same t-shirt that i had worn then i was sat with you and you just went you're in the same shirt it was just the worst moment hang on there I'm going to mix it up so yeah that's good at Muggle Corner yeah absolutely

his and hers anything jewellery, clothes like fucking anything that's his and hers fucking big individuals fucking Muggles getting the corner together

different corners though just stop doing everything together you have to be in in the corner together different corners though just stop doing everything together be in the same corner in their corners my one is muggles tweet Donald Trump

comedians date all the time and I'll see them and just go what grow up I've been blocked by him

that's the worst there's a comedian I know whose banner on Facebook for a while was a picture that he was blocked by donald trump and it was like you clearly want his approval like you want some sort of approval of like donald trump the most powerful man in the world has taken time out of

his day to look at my tweet and block me you're the reason he's going fucking mad and threatening everyone if you all just stop tweeting him shit he probably would just give up do you know what I mean you stupid cunts like that I mean that guy is fucking terrifying and you know what

for everything that he writes I could probably I could probably come up with a witty retort or like a logical breakdown of what he says that fits 140 characters that would be like

smart and nice and unique but I'm not I'm not doing it because why the fuck would I just highlight how insignificant I am? Yeah.

That's what they're doing. They're just like, they're taking shots at this powerful dude. Is that? It means nothing. It's like trying to fucking bucket water off the Titanic. Is there anything worse than the full stop in front of the at name on Twitter? Oh. So everyone can see it.

And what you are saying there, and I've probably done it as well, but this was a few years ago, probably when I was like 18. Do you know what I mean? Now that I'm saying it, I wouldn't really do it anymore, is you're saying there,

I think this is so funny, a reply that everyone's going to retweet it and I'm going to go viral. That's what you're saying. I'm proud to say that when I tweeted Sony and Bose to get along, I didn't make that public. I'm so proud to say that I didn't think,

oh, you know what? Half a dozen people are going to love this. Oh, yeah. But it's just the way people go on about it. He tweets some nuts shit, don't get me wrong. And I think it's scary to live in a time where we've gone past the point of like, how can you satirize him?

Yeah. Like it's beyond satire. There's, it's gone to that point where you go, oh, this is now just, I can watch him. And that's funny enough.

Yeah. I don't need people. It doesn't need a parody. It doesn't need people dressing up and acting like him. You're like, oh no, he's doing that already. Yeah.

Like you couldn't do a spitting image dummy a trump like it wouldn't be as funny on spitting image because it would just be like yeah yeah that's what he's doing yeah pretty much but when he tweeted that thing about my buttons a lot bigger than you just go you're the fucking president man oh man but it makes me think like I'd love to see what like Genghis Khan would have tweeted it would have been mint I'd shagged eight birds

the day who's saying that how can you not say I'm mint him just sliding into loads of DMs he would be hey uh

did you fancy meeting up? No? Cool, well we're going to raid your village later. I'm going to raid your village tomorrow and make a social case. Just giving people heads up on Twitter. There's a lot less bloodshed.

What do you reckon's in Donald Trump's draft tweets? Do you reckon he's got some ones he's written and gone, oh Jesus, I can't put that one out. Well, you know what shocked us, right? The reason I'm not too fucking terrified

about his reign is that I don't really think it's him. I think he's the fucking spokesperson, right? But like everyone says, there's a cabinet of people

around him that probably know what they're doing. They probably haven't got the best interest at heart but it's not, I don't think it's not his decision to do shit, right?

Yeah. Right? But you would think the people around him would get his phone. I think the people around him have just sort of decided he is doing this. But that's how he came to power. He's a massive distraction. Everything he's doing is a distraction from fucking what's really happening, probably. But that's how he came to power, was he was just tweeting.

He was like a wrestling character, do you know what I mean? And now he's sort of doing it and people go oh shit, you're still doing that? Did he get president in the same way that fucking Kildon the name of? Christmas number one. Wouldn't it be funny if we got that guy from Home Alone? The concierge from Home Alone.

You never played the concierge? What was he? He owned Trump Tower. He wasn't that good an actor at a concierge. People went, I want to hear what this guy has to say. Did he play Trump? I'm the one who's been brought on the podcast and called an idiot and made to answer questions. And you think the president...

What, you think you're a demon? Thing is that you've got an extensive knowledge on home alone home alone too sorry sorry mate yeah he he owns trump the trump hotel that mccall the club stays in yeah in home alone that's the lust of new york one isn't it yeah that's the one with the pigeon lady yeah that one's a bit of a stretch. Clearly watched it a few times, though. Yeah, but you just... You're not going to... Once you lose a kid,

you're going to do everything to make sure you don't lose them again. It gets to the point now where the fucking... The services need to get involved, right? Oh, yeah. It's not a comedy anymore. It's actually how I get involved. Like the Dursleys? It's like if the McCann's found Maddy

and went on another holiday and lost her again whoopsie daisy what are we like the tweets at me are going to be a bit different this time

aren't they you're going to be like Elliot you're also smart you know everything about standalone I know make sure you just put a full

stop in front of it before you tweet it so everyone knows so what are we putting in muggle corner again what's the Donald Trump people that tweet

they're trying to bring down like Piers Morgan Donald Trump Katie Hopkins but they put a full stop and they're like they're bragging

that I got blocked by like fucking get away from them just do your thing you think you're making a difference but you're not. You're a muggle. Get in the corner.

So I've got a... Like, I don't know where the line is on this, but people who say Happy New Year, like, well into January, like, when do you draw the line? I did, like, handshakes Happy New Year's for, like, a day and a half, maybe. I saw people, but... Like, when I saw you the other day, some people would have took the answer to the door and went happy new year yeah i only do that to people who've just

gone back to work yeah like i think i think that's much more if you're if you're in a job where you haven't seen something like when i had to email people in the after the office thing today talking about gigs and stuff i'd'd open the email with, I hope you had a nice Christmas, happy new year. Yeah. But I did think, like, it is the 8th of January.

Yeah, I think it was the last one before the weekend. It was the last email I sent with it in. But, like, it gets to the point where, like, when you type it out and you go, am I being a muggle now? There is a point where it's, like, think of something new to say, dude.

Like, that's yesterday's news. I'm going to just keep it going all the way up until August. Am I being a muggle now? There is a point where it's like, think of something new to say, dude. That's yesterday's news. I'm going to just keep it going all the way up until August. Did anyone tweet on Christmas Day, may the fourth be with you? That'd be good. It was the second wave of mugglery around the may the fourth be with you. It was people posting it, not on may the fourth.

Like, way off but the worst one and I'm sure this must have been covered I know everyone would have heard it

is people go oh I haven't had a bath since last year oh that's the worst and even if you're doing that to be annoying

like even if you're doing that joke knowing you're annoying but I've had people say it genuinely we've said it's part of the problem is like being self aware and doing a muggly thing is still mugglery like we laid that down

as a rule but this is something I did and not like trying to be a muggle not trying to be anything just sincerely did is I left some of my books like I'm so ashamed at that minute I left a couple of books unfinished

an audio book and a book I was reading unfinished so that on the next the first week of the year or the first day of the year I could finish those books and then jot them down

as books read in 2018 because I keep thinking of how many books I read each year and I got off the block with two on day one because I left them

to be finished Did you just like wait and leave one paragraph and then be like, oh, yeah. No, I just, like, in the last hour, I have an audio book, and the last couple of chapters, I have a book. That was my New Year's resolution,

was to read more books. That's my New Year's resolution every year, is to read more books. And this is just like, I don't like, every year I try and read more books than the last. This year I came in on about the same, right? And I could have went how many did you read but i read 24 fuck that's a lot of books so like every year i've went up by

quite a bit like i'll go like 12 then fucking 18 and 24 like that was the last three years um so this one should have been more it was coming the same i could have fucking come in by reading them books but i justified it in my head that the books i read were way bigger i read like fucking raymond d feist novels that were thousand pages long fucking ervin welch's skag boys like salem's lot i read the dark tower series which are thousand like page books so i've read like if you put the books i read last year like on a pile and put the books i read the year before on a pile there'd be a fucking massive difference so i'm not like so much into the numbers as like i'm reading more yeah i find i find reading because i've just started reading train spotting and i'm like really enjoying it but my god it has put me off like i reading that

book as a dyslexic is one of the hardest things in the world because it's already all broken up yeah and you're just going oh this car is so difficult. Not that the podcast knows or know this, I'm not what you call a reader. Nah, I read like fucking, actually, when I read, I read like Morgan Freeman's reading it out in my head. It's just so slow. I just mean the pace of him,

like the fucking pace that I'm reading is the pace of someone that's slow and measured reading out loud. Why is watching films not considered as smart as reading a book? Because films, there's some class films out there.

We're going way over the time on the podcast here, right, but it's the fucking new year. We'll just, you know, bonus one. Okay.

People have probably switched off already. There's probably just Danny listening. I'll cover this, right. Take Gone Girl, for example, right. People that have read the movie,

read the movie, people that have watched the movie really enjoyed the movie, right? But anybody, and I'm going to say this, anybody that's read the book can't watch the movie. Why?

You can't get through it, right? Because everything in that book is what's happening in their heads. It's what's happening with this thought process. Now, in the book, when it's covering the thought process of the fucking dude that's going through all this fucking drama, right? Ben Affleck can't pull happening with his thought process now in the book when it's covering the thought process of the fucking dude

that's going through all this fucking drama right Ben Affleck can't pull off that fucking thought process with his face he fucking can't he can't pull it off

because it's you're in a person's head in the book and then you're fucking watching Ben Affleck fucking half smile like you just think nah

right so the book can just go into a bit more detail and give you more a bit of an insight to the character insight to their mind and their motivations

and everything that you can't develop so I just think the book's just way more extensive about thought process don't get me wrong I'm really enjoying

reading Trainspotting I'd say I'm like halfway through it and I'd say it's one of it's definitely kept me reading it and it's going to be one of the best things

I've ever read but there's no Iggy Pop soundtrack to it oh the fucking soundtrack to Trains it, and it's going to be one of the best things I've ever read. But there's no Iggy Pop soundtrack to it. Oh, the fucking soundtrack to Trace Pond. And it's just like, whenever I'm reading it, when I'm reading it, I'm like, oh, this is the bit where Renton would be, oh, yeah, and Ewan McGregor would be, and I'm just like, oh, it's a great film, isn't it?

I should put the film on. That's what happens. So, right, let's quickly put these in Muggle Corners. So we're joined in on one with regular gym goers who complain about new people in their gym. They're just trying to battle themselves. They're trying something new. They're trying to get it right for the first time.

They might not even last. Just give them a chance. His and hers matching clothes and jewellery. Shoe-in, Muggle Corner. Saying Happy New Year. Well, it's a blurred line. Can you still say it now? If you're saying it next week, come on.

Just about. Just about. Every day that goes by, you're a little lane. Can you still see it now? If you're seeing it next week, come on. Just about. Just about. Every day that goes by, you're a little bit more in Muggle Corner. Yeah. Right, let's make now the point where you stop. Anyone listening to this, just stop now. But turn to the person next to you, even if you're on a train, and you don't know him, and just go,

Happy New Year, bro. For next year. Just in advance, I might not see you again. Right, what ones have you put in? Muggles tweet, Donald Trump. Yeah. And Muggles get annoyed at gym newcomers. All right.

Yeah. There we go. So I think they're all passed on. Yeah. Your dad. Oh, here we go. Your dad accidentally basted himself instead of the turkey. Your dad's Facebook avi is him and his boys with a bottle of gray goose and the caption is winning winning winning your dad slept rough over the christmas

as an experiment for his blog your dad has a tattoo of his kill to death ratio but he doesn't play call of duty he can't it'll change your dad drinks cartons of juice by nibbling a hole in the bottom instead of using the straw because he's one of the cool kids

your dad invented his own gang sign and gets Linda and Gav to do it if they want a lift into town somewhere your dad wears his dressing gown belt

with his jeans your dad's better at Call of Duty than you and once told me he was always embarrassed to play with you on his team

true fact is that a true story I'm fucking shite at it I think any glasses your dad always your dad always phones the Samaritans even though he's fine

because he likes the idea of someone who needs the service not being able to get through fact true story what are you playing at Mark he's fine because he likes the idea of someone who needs the service not being able to get through fact true story what are you playing at Mark

your dad's doing better than I thought he would as Blythe's first grime MC but that still doesn't mean he's doing well your dad cooks bacon

on his car engine your dad has a black belt Your dad cooks bacon on his car engine. Your dad has a black belt in strangle-wanking in that he just uses a belt that's black to strangle-wank. Your dad went to A&E on Friday night with a Pringles container on his hand. container on his hand. Your dad keeps telling me that Bitcoin is the future and then takes out

a pound coin and just bites it. Oh, dad. Those are the dad jokes. Your dad wraps a towel around his head when he gets out of the shower. That's it.

Strut to run loose with just a towel around his head when he gets out of the shower. But that's it. Struts around the house with just a towel around his head. Nothing else on. Yeah, Ricky's done that. Oh, yeah. Ricky's did that. We're fucking in the living room playing FIFA or something. Ricky's just come upstairs, not a stitch on, towel wrapped around his feet and went, where's me phone?

Your dad got fined riding his pogo stick into town. Your dad waited at the stage door for hours to get Joe McAldrew to sign his tits. Who? Just didn't win out from X Factor that fell off his ass again. Your dad's the only person with a sex tape on the internet that nobody's masturbated to. Your dad went to Father's for rally dressed as wonder woman it's over laughing so loudly in the mic your dad reckons the film Air Bud is based loosely on his life. So we're not so much on the road at the minute. It's January.

We've got gigs coming up. Yeah. I've got Sheffield Last Laugh this weekend. If anyone's in Sheffield, you can get me at the City Hall. Cool. I'm just at 2 North Down in London this weekend. And next week I'll be on Comedy Central roast battles actually doing a live your dad jokes

against my dad this is great isn't it yeah doing a roast battle on Comedy Central against your dad do you know the date yeah

it's whatever next week not this Friday Friday after I think it's the 19th right that's when your episode

goes out yeah that's when my episode goes out there's a few people that folk might know off the podcast. So, yeah, tune in to Comedy Central. Watch Elliot roast his dad. Oh, and I'm also at... Go and tell them who wins.

I'm also at The Stand with Gareth Waugh in Edinburgh on February 1st with G-Tip. And I'm going to be up there as well. So, and Kai's going to be up there as well. I'm going to be staying there as well. So, Sloss and Humphrey's on the road but we're on

separate roads right now Sloss will be back in a week's time with whoever he finds to help him out and then I'll

probably be back in two weeks with Elliot again wicked see you soon bye