Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.2 Drooth or False

Episode Date: September 27, 2017

Muggins and Cream solve issues that don't affect them with equal parts arrogance and ignorance like the toilet gender allocation. Muggles and Dads get it as usual with the added game of Truth or Lie where we each tell three stories which any could be true or false and the other has to guess which ring true. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, Muggles. Accidental rent job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Smuggins and cream on the podcast supreme. Coming to lube up your ears like Vaseline. Gareth's not even here. Why are we wrapping? I'm going to be doing idioms. I changed it. That was season one. You got hair on your mic?

Do I? Yeah, big hair. It's not hair. It's a fucking bit of straw. That's when I was... You know, I remember earlier when I was chewing a stick of straw like a farmer at the front.

Telling anyone that wasn't white to get off my lawn. You were on the rocket outside the pump station, the petrol station, weren't you? She said it wrong.

Just feeling my knee being like, ah, winds are coming. Giving people warnings. Cryptic warnings. Anyway, idioms. Muggins never changes his cream There's no point in Muggins

Over spilled cream You don't have to do more than one Especially if the first one Was semi-decent And the second one Was fucking horrendous I'm going to burn out real quick We're back

For our second episode But this is our first episode where it's just you and moi because we had Garfield this is going to be a lot of kissing

thank you to everyone who listened to the last podcast to all our new listeners thank you very much for fueling our egos online with all of you showering us with

Twitter love it was very nice I skipped down the street I didn't have anything with a flourish that day after Kai saw your tweets he walked into his room and he saw the rope hanging from the ceiling and he went, Not today, old friend.

I still left Matthew Ellis in it. Who's your old flatmate who's moved out? Yeah. He's in Israel. No, he's in one of those places that's a name like Georgia or Chad. Okay. He's in one of those. Turkey. I'm sorry.

Who do you know that's called Turkey? Turkey McGee. Oh, sorry. Our old friend Turkey McGee. And his wife winner winner chicken dinner. Which he kept us saying him. How you been? I've been

I've been I've been on your side it's back to that two hour shit where we're just doing

everything together we've just been to the gym together you have been absolutely getting fucking rinsed on

Mario Kart I've been getting better see the thing is right I spent the whole day because actually

we haven't spent every day together because you went down south to do the comedy roast battle. Yeah, I did, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I can talk about that.

I was down doing the comedy roast battles, which should be out in the new year. I was on against Desiree Burch, who is... I'd never met her before, and I was really fucking nervous about... It's very hard to roast someone you don't know. If you don't know what the roasts are, they're very famous in America. They've been going on for a few years. It's an old tradition. She's a great girl as well. I'd met her a few times at the Fringe and just got the vibe that she's a legend. Based on a few meetings. Yeah. So you go on and normally the roast is like they do Donald Trump or Justin Bieber

or whatever. But in this one, Roast Battles, it's one-on-one via comic. And it's very hard to roast someone you don't know. I hadn't met Desiree before and Desiree is a big, beautiful woman of colour. When I first got the pairing I was like... But it was a PC minefield, right? It was an absolute PC minefield and I was very worried because I've watched the roasts since I was about eight or nine years

old. You don't mean anything you say, right? It's jokes on appearance and it's jokes on career and it's personal jokes and it's meant to be dark and it's meant to be brutal so even though in my head i absolutely knew that you know desiree had heard it all and worse considering you know yeah she's had she's had roast as actual abuse yeah yeah wrapped up in jokes and the joy of the occasion there's nothing i could yeah there's nothing i could have said to her that hadn't been shouted at her from a white van, a white man in a white van.

But, you know, I was never worried about upsetting her, but I was worried about audience members, and I'm very worried when the TV show comes, people being offended on her behalf. Oh, honestly, right? Because I've seen your jokes, and they're fucking very funny, but you are going to get Twitter abuse off people that just can't see a layer.

They can't see layers to what you're talking about, they can't see the irony they can't see the... And they just don't understand the format, but no no, I don't I honestly don't, after doing the show and Desiree was so great, because I phoned her up beforehand just being like, we should talk you know, let's become friends before we do this, because it'll

be much easier, and I was just in the very typical white way just tiptoeing around being like so what are your jokes about and she just went just to put you at ease i'm very aware that i'm a fat black woman and i was like me too just panic like when you told conor mcgregor you were irish yeah they asked you if you're irish yeah yeah yeah totally from edinburgh Edinburgh but no she was absolutely brilliant she had some

fucking excellent roasts of me which made it more fun because I think we were the only ones when we did it where we're genuinely

laughing at each other's jokes yeah well were there people getting hurt oh yeah really I will not mention names oh what a bunch of pussies

that's the problem with people and that makes it so much that makes it so much fucking worse the reason I don't think I'll get any twerp abuse

because even though obviously I made jokes with race in it I was never making fun of race itself you know

you can talk about race without making fun of it I was never belittling race it was just mentioning it anyway so I think

I'm safe and also I am bulletproof in the sense that none of the jokes were aimed at anyone other than Desiree So therefore nobody is allowed to be offended by anything I said Yeah because you were very Desiree specific It was very Desiree

It was the roast of Desiree If anyone gets offended by it Utter utter fucking morons But yeah white people are going to be mad at her on your behalf Yeah But also our friend Elliot Steele is going to be on the against his dad

against his dad against Mark Steele which will be a fucking great one I battle rapped Elliot Steele in the fringe yes you did and you beat him

and you battle rapped Nick Cody I did and I lost the battle rap because I was winning up until the last verse and then I talked about how much money I had

but the only reason the audience is donated no but the reason i did it because it's a battle rap but listen to any and you were like hammering on you were wearing a big fucking like fur coat yeah like i was playing the full thing like don't get me wrong i can understand how off-putting it was in hindsight but i was like i'm wearing a big fur coat i'm wearing sunglasses i'm about wrapping one of my best friends arrogantly rapping against cody of course of course two of us are just two of the most on stage

arrogant motherfuckers I've got to play up to the bit it's my excuse for the words I meant nothing to do with fucking his slams on you

oh yeah oh but that's the other thing which was great about roasting Desiree it's the thing I really wanted to put to her

I was like there is nothing you can say that will upset me because I know none of it's personal and it's the same thing during the battle I really wanted to put to her I was like there is nothing you can say that will upset me that I've like there's not because I know none of it's personal

and it's the same thing during the battle with Nick Cody he this is so sweet of him he phoned my mum to ask her if he could do jokes

about my dead sister oh my god and my mum was just like yeah Daniel's done like 25 what are you he's done 25 of them yeah when you're doing

because that's funny that topic is one that would be an absolute stay away from, don't mention that, but the fact that you did a show about it, that made you present it to people as something that could use on roasts.

Yeah, that's a very good point, yeah, because I've joked about it. You've offered it to the public. I've offered it to the public, and the same thing, Desiree in her stand-up talks about the fact that she used to be a dominatrix

she talks about the issues of being a fucking American woman of colour differences over there and over here so it's all stuff that is out in the open Is that the PC terminal woman of colour? I don't know It's weird isn't it

you can say something with absolutely zero animosity but you're just like am I saying the right word? Yeah, I, to this day, still do not know all the correct words for... For vagina. For trans. No, I know, cunt, clunge, gutter, nin. For trans, because there's obviously

so many different types of trans. There's trans sexual which is I think when you this is her stupid when you make the change

transgenders just when you dress different and trans vest I think is just

offensive can you just say tranny and be vague I mean 100% but that's but that's the thing like is it the woman of color and and person of color is uh i mean oh my god i guarantee in five years time if i say women of

color i'll be like why don't you just say person of color why don't you see gender it's like i'm i'm trying i'm trying to paint a picture here yeah it's like, I've always been a big supporter of LGBTQ. Forward slash. Yeah, and then they keep asking. Years ago, they've changed it, but they have done the LGBT plus, which I understand if you're one of the pluses, you're like, why am I not in there? Because at the moment, it's just turning into a very difficult hand of Scrabble.

Hey, you know, this is a conversation we had um just in general so let's talk about the podcast you know i was saying like um it with the transgender like i don't know anything about it nor do i need to know anything about it it's not my business it's like completely out of my field of what i need to know what i need so it's nothing to do yeah but the one place it is part of your deal is when they start talking about the toilets are male

or female when male and female isn't the only two genders when gender's a spectrum and should it be male and female and I'm like I genuinely don't care I could be pissed

at the urinal and a fucking a woman could walk by and go in the cubicle and I wouldn't bat an eyelid yeah who gives a shit I just well she does

because she's got a cubicle so like I've been there the urinal before when a woman's walked in and I've seen her in the mirror and I wouldn't bat an eyelid. Yeah, who gives a shit? Well, she does because she's got a cubicle. So like, I've been there at the urinal before when a woman's walked in and I've seen her in the mirror, right? And I was like, oh fuck, I'm at the wrong toilets. And I'm like,

I'm at the urinal. She's like, oh, sorry. You're just like, oh no, hold on, this is a tampon bit. So now that it's like, oh no, I'm being brought into this discussion

because the toilet I use is so people may want to know my opinion as a toilet user. Here's my opinion on the toilet use, right? Change it from male and female. It doesn't need to be male and female, right? You have this door is for people who have got cocks, and this door is for people who don't have cocks, right? And the people with cocks can go through and use urinals or whatever, right?

And the people without cocks can go in the really well-kept city down area right because men don't keep people with cocks don't keep the toilet seats that clean because if the urinals are full you go in and you start paying stood up and there's a little bit of splashing around right so for hygiene purposes if you're gonna piss standing up with a cock get in that one if you're gonna sit down with uh fanny no no i think if you're no no because that because that would be the only part of this I disagree with you, is if you're going to sit down and be... The thing is the difference, the hard thing there,

and again, we're fully aware that we're two straight, white, non-trans men discussing this, and we're ignorant as fuck, but the whole podcast is ignorant. Get on board. I think the only problem is you'll have people who identify as a woman fully, but can't afford the very expensive...

Aye, but then they're a woman with a cock having a piss. Yeah, but why can they not just go in the... Why are you saying they can't go in the cubicle then? Well, they can. All right, they can. But just go in the standy-up cock one. So you've got cock toilet. Yeah.

Cocks, this isn't a spectrum. Look down. I mean, it's a spectrum if you consider sizes. But if you've got a cock that one because you're going to be doing a bit of standing up when you're pissing

the few people are I think the way you want to actually pitch this is like if you're comfortable standing up with your dick and pissing in a urinal that's absolute for you everything else is cubicle and it's a free-for-all

who gives a shit what about standing up and sitting down are you going for a stand up that one are you going for a sit down that one yeah that's way better because that's non-gender

standing up and sitting down is the way it should be there's your standing up toilet there's your sitting down toilet because you can have a sticky outie and still have a city downie you can't have a sticky innie and have a standing upie you can you can who am i to tell you how to live your life hold on one more time right if you've got a sticky outie and you want to do a standing upie you could do over there if you've got a sticky innie or a sticky outie And you want to do a standy uppie You could do it over there If you've got a sticky innie Or a sticky outie But you want to do a sticky downie You could do it in there

And if you've got a sticky innie But you want to do a standy uppie Like fair play to you Do it anywhere Do it anywhere You don't give a shit about anything Don't even go to the toilet Do it at the bar

There we go I think I think two straight white men Just solved all the problems Of an issue that doesn't affect us. You're welcome, society. Next, race. Where do they be? No.

But that's the thing. I have always said that. I like to talk about, especially when we do work in progress shows, which we did last night, I'm very aware that a lot of my opinions on a lot of things are very fucking ignorant and the best way I find to get over ignorance is to talk about it, is to open up the discussion and even though stand up isn't necessarily opening the discussion, the thing I like about work

in progress is I can go out there with the thoughts I have in my head and just sort of say them and I can tell from the audience reaction how ignorant what I'm saying is. By the tutting. Yeah, but just by the laughs. Like, if they feel uncomfortable, I'm like,

clearly I don't know. I know which bits to research more and ask, so I'm like, what's making you uncomfortable with this? But I find, like, you know, I don't understand how most annoying it must be for, you know, gay, bi, trans people and women as well when people like us were like I'm ignorant on the

subject can you explain it to me and they're like it's not my fucking job to explain it to you and you're like I know it's not your job but I'm going to be ignorant until I get taught otherwise. It's nice to try and understand each other like I don't get offended if like there's a feminist podcast

talking about white men or whatever like I'm I'm happy for you guys to try and figure that out you've never been a white man but you can talk about it but let me tell you ladies

it's fucking easy it's well I'm sorry I'm actually apologetic about it yeah yeah yeah

it's real apologetic about it it's like whenever I talk to Jean or my mum and they just mention things that you know my mum goes she does conferences for the UN and their gender

ratio is way fucked and when she gets them to this conference people will talk over her or they'll try and people who are not in her field will offer her information on her field and she's like I'm literally the fucking leading expert in this like Jean's got times when she you know would walk home from work and she's like some guy just followed me for like five minutes and kept going and that's that level is it never occurs to me and you just

go natalie spat that dummy out in a fucking catcalla in london because it was uh like seven o'clock in the morning she's walking to the tube to work and some guy starts like fucking shouting over and asking for her number and shit and that. And she's like, it's seven in the morning. This is either I'm going to work and I'm clearly busy or this is a walk of shame and I'm done. Like, do you think I'm on the pole right now?

He's got a fucking Hail Mary. Right, there's just, yeah, that side of things. There's so many, and the way I sort of learned it. And I know that this is an ignorant thing as well,

but you know, if I was walking to fucking work and some girl was like shouting at me I would walk with such a flourish I'd be like fucking baby driver everywhere but that's the privilege of being a man because I don't feel threatened by that I can just be like I fucking got it

you know I'm not like oh god I'm in danger yeah and that's the problem when a lot of guys think about being like I've got a semi bitbit about this in my show, but it's like how dumb sometimes guys' logic is when they're trying to understand from a woman's perspective. They don't understand it from the woman's perspective. They just put themselves in the woman's shoes with the guy's perspective.

It's like, man, why don't women like getting sent dicks randomly? See if I got sent a random picture of a pussy. I'd be thrilled. You're like, it's not, man, why don't women like getting sent dicks randomly? See if I could send a random picture of a pussy, I'd be thrilled. You're like, it's not the same connotations. Yeah, they're not threatening to put it inside you. Yeah. Like a woman sending you an unsolicited vagina pic is her being like, hey, this is free when you want it. Whereas

a guy's, a dick is a very penetrating thing. It's like, I've got this. Let me stick my outie in your innie. Like it's just, yeah. And that's one thing like I've got this let me stick my outie in your innie like it's just yeah and that's one thing like I think is a way to hey did I tell you

I found a dick pic what I found a dick pic when I was on Natalie's phone no no on the floor

when I was younger I was walking along right wait so not on a phone oh no no like fucking pre Nokia

like going around about Nokia time who's sending dick pics on Nokia exactly nobody no just an eight no no not an eight and then depending on how big a dick is a bunch of equal signs Pre-Nokia. They go round about Nokia time. Who's sending dick pics on Nokia? Exactly, nobody.

No, just an eight. No, no. No, an eight, and then depending on how big your dick is, a bunch of equal signs, and then a capital D. And then she just texts back, and then she just texts back with 531-8008,

and you're like, what's this? And she goes, turn it upside down, and you're like, oh, boobies. And then for a woman it's open parenthesis and depending on the width of your vagina how many spaces in between depending on how many

watts how many dots picked it up on the floor there was a polaroid camera picture I was like oh it's this

oh it's a cock so you didn't know whose cock it was no you didn't recognise it you know it's weird when I dropped it I started walking faster

I tried to put some dis- some dis- myself in it as if it was going to chase you I think it was going to clay mode were you worried that it was going to be

like one of those haunted photos and stuff like when you just start looking at other photos there's just dick is coming in the background

or what not like you know how in horror movies it's like they look at a photo and it's of a house and they look

again and then there's a face in one of the windows and then they look back and the face is gone and you just start looking

at all the haunted pictures and cocks have been following us around everywhere or did you just feel like

Cinderella sorry for Cinderella just going around trying to measure I'm holding a picture and cocks have been following us around everywhere. Or did you just feel like Cinderella, sorry, for Scinderella and just go around trying to measure the dick with all the other ones? Whose pussy does this fit in? You know what I genuinely

worry was, right? When I picked it up. Oh, chlamydia. None of the person that last held this it was touching his cock. I was like, oh,

and just fucking rubbing my hands on my jeans as I'm walking down the street. Oh, walking. Did you, did people say, I guess they did.

Like, they must have, because I know it's such a hack joke to be like, oh, I remember back in my day, if we wanted to do dick pics, we had to draw cave paintings of dicks

or we had to get a sketch. Go and knock on the girl's door and give it to her dad. Say, I'm going to give this to your daughter. Or if you like it it you can keep it sorry but that is the thing

they totally did do about that back in the day like taking like Polaroids and naughty things of each other which is like way more

risky I reckon like do you remember that whole bit in Trainspotting where he bought the VHS and they recorded over like match of the day

with a self-porno. Yeah. Like, you could totally stumble across things of your mate's fucking back in the day or your mate's bird or your mate with his fucking knob out. Because there's an actual thing with it on. Yeah, yeah.

You had to have an actual hiding space whereas obviously... I mean, whenever I've sent a dick pic I delete it immediately afterwards because I'm not... I was talking to a friend, a comedian who I mean, whenever I've sent a dick pic, I delete it immediately afterwards, because I'm not, I was talking to a friend, a comedian, who,

I can't remember the name, and if I could, I probably couldn't name them anyway, but played the, played that fucking, holiday porn, on video, as the holiday video,

to that family, like, oh, these are the footage from the thing, and press play, and fucking the video, and they fucking come up, and he's like,

oh shit, oh god, I was fucking family, running around, watching a holiday photo, oh, these are the footage from the thing, press play and fucking video of them fucking come up. And he's like, oh, shit. Oh, God. Fucking family running around. Fucking, I didn't expect to see that. That can never happen now, you see. Seeing that, though, fucking sometimes I'll show my mum a picture on my phone and my mum will start scrolling through the pictures. It's like, oh, you're braver than me.

I mean, my arm was starting to scroll through the pictures. I was like, oh, you're braver than me. Do you know what? When I was single, I have to put that caveat on, in case anyone thinks it was just the other week, I got sent some nudes of a girl. And one or two later, after we weren't texting so much no more, she asked for them back so she could send them to someone else.

She's like, hey, we've got them pictures. And I'm like, yeah, sure. Do you know that was probably a test for her to find out if you were a scumbag and hadn't deleted them? I meant to delete them.

Yes! I've deleted them now. Yeah, obviously. It's like one of those... It was still fairly recent. It wasn't that long since I had them aye it's not like we fell out

aye but like I just this is the thing where I put myself in there say if I've broken up with a girl and we've stopped seeing each other and it's on good terms and stuff you never want to send the message but I'm like just have the decency

to delete that that's not your dick anymore like you don't get to look at it whenever you want I mean you can like if you want to say it again yeah just assume as well

they probably don't really want it no that's the that's the thing I've always like when it comes to the fucking discussion about dick pics

you always get the prudes on both sides this isn't like and I mean prude specifically women are like oh god who would want like a picture of a dick you're like there are people there are people i was that i thought that for years i was like oh i'm never gonna say dick because who would want a picture of a dick and then a girl i did like four years ago she was

like i i love it like it's a obviously it's a massive turn on like and i was like oh and then you start doing it and it's a fucking it's a deep hole that she sent back and seen oh right before we go into anything else I just wanted to just ask a little question so you went to Ibiza a week ago to check out your lovely little wedding venue didn't you it's fucking amazing yeah is it good it's fucking incredible we've got it's at this

hotel but they've got this dining area which will dominate our whole party will be there but it's got it's own exclusive beach

so we've got a cove beach and the aisle that goes down to the beach that'll be the aisle the walkway the wooden walkway

and hopefully it won't rain however we thought it was like 150 right it'll be the aisle the walkway the wooden walkway and hopefully it won't rain it's banging however we thought it was like 150 it's 90 I've got to fucking swing a crew lax

oh yeah you know you said that must be like the that's my biggest because this is the thing right you'll go like with 150

you can go oh let's invite all of these people and their partners right and you get it out to like I think we had like less than 150, you can go, ah, let's invite all of these people and their partners, right, and you get it out to like, I think we had like,

we had less than 150 on this like, provisional list, and it was like, it's not getting political now, but then you start going through, going, well,

we know them as a couple, but we don't really know their girlfriend, or they've only been going out a year, so it's like, if they're new to our life, we can't like,

bring them, and have someone that we've known for years not coming, and you start like fucking ranking your friends and it's gross it's the fucking gross part of the

part of the proceedings like I just like I think the same with best men as well I had to fucking put so much I just

me and my co co well second in charge best man so both joined first no I got given the thing first

so I'm first in line it's a lineage thing I sent him flowers I got a fucking trolley token who's the real one so you just left the line around as well

no because it fell off right because honestly during the Fringe I lost my keys and I was generally heartbroken because it's got the trolley token on it and the best muggle thing.

And then I got handed back. Have any new listeners proposed to him with a trolley token? I'm one of the episodes to ask me to be his best man. Because he won the first muggle thing, was having a trolley token. When the keys got handed back in, someone had nicked the best muggle bit off of it. Oh, no.

I know. It's gone. Aye. Forever. I mean unless we're gonna have to get back to Timpsons is that where you

got it from just engraved it in Timpsons I just thought you did it yourself you had the fucking decency to make Natalie

her own ring but I get some fucking something back in the shop today who's your favourite still got someone

to make it yeah so I also like the fact that you were having the chat with Natalie because obviously it's in Ibiza

and obviously a lot of your friends are, for want of a worse word, legends, for want of a better word, utter fucking reprobates. And Natalie's there being like... Because it's also a late dinner, is it not? Yeah, it's like five o'clock ceremony, seven to nine dinner. I'm going to be wrecked.

Like one at the hotel, and then back to whichever villas. I'm gonna be wrecked like one at the hotel I'm gonna be and then back to whichever villas I'm gonna be I'm gonna be absolutely minted so yeah Natalie said to us

she's like because it's unlimited drinks with your meal it's not like you know how sometimes they'll put like a bottle of karma

a bottle of rosé like red wine or whatever how does she expect me to go through the whole day and not drink like I'm just gonna

fucking stand there and watch my soul mate like marry Kai he's like I'm just gonna fucking stand there and watch my soulmate like marry Kai he's like I'm not gonna have to drink through it it's not like they

put a couple of bottles per table like you'd never know how much you're drinking because before you finish your glass they'll top you up

and they're very clear about that it was one of the selling points right and then after that there's a two hour free mojito bar which they're gonna

need more stuff even with the filling up I'm like you better get someone to follow my mum After that, there's a two-hour free mojito bar, which they're going to need more stuff. Yeah. Even with the filling up, I'm like, you better get someone to follow my mum around. During the whole... I went to a wedding during the Fringe to my cousin Andrew and his now wife Gina's wedding, and it was absolutely fucking excellent. Now, during that Fringe,

I drank pretty much 90% of the nights with hardened, seasoned comedians, promoters, agents and bar staff. And I was occasionally hungover. I went to one wedding with my mum's side of the family and it fucking ruined me beyond belief. Oh, yeah. Oh, man, that was genuinely a worse hangover than I had in Ibiza. Oh, no. And that was with just alcohol as well.

Yeah. I think Just Alcohol messes me up more than anything. It's almost like if you add something to the mix it creates this equilibrium. It'll pull you back into consciousness a little bit. I was put at the kids table at the wedding.

And the kids table is me, my cousin Ailey who is now she's 19. Matthew and my two other brothers, one other brother and her sister and a bunch of other cousins Hayley, who is now, she's 19. Matthew, and my two other brothers, one other brother and her sister, and a bunch of other cousins. So, between the ages of 15 and like 19.

So, Sam and I... Everyone's drinking. But this is the kids' table, right? The kids' table with me on it, because I don't want to talk to my auntie, I want to talk to my fucking cousins and my brothers. They've got better banter, and they're more related.

You can talk about computer games. Aye. We drank more than all the adult tables. It is. Oh, it was a real fucking heinous thing. Yeah. My brother was sitting there being like, I don't like wine.

I was like, right, you're about to learn within the next 10 minutes. You don't like beer? I don't like beer. But I'm at the stage now where I don't need to like beer because I like everything else. Like beer is such a, like at some point it's doing its own thing.

When we're in like Belgium and Germany and germany and stuff and like and it's real like crap and it's made there i'm like oh god i really wish i did enjoy that so i could get the enjoyment out of it but for the rest of time i'm like it's the worst thing to drink constantly when you're trying to get into shape or stay in shape yeah it is it is bad for your physique but it is good for like flowing it flows good you buy a drink and you've got it for a little bit longer than you'll have like a little mix up but i feel like that with cider though and and you can have like a fair few of them before you get sick of them you can have like up to 10 pints and you're like and then you start getting to the point now where you're like i think i'm gonna have to move off pints all right uh but uh sorry the point was uh natalie had said

um will you let everyone know not to get too messed up before dinner because there's going to be unlimited drinks

from like fucking 7 or like 11 right and I was like I don't need to teach my mates how to sesh

I don't need to give them little pre-warnings because I've partied with some of you dudes for like 4 days straight you aren't going to get wrote off by a couple hours of free bar don't get me wrong because I've partied with some of you dudes for like four days straight.

Yeah. You aren't going to get wrote off by a couple hours of free bar. Don't get me wrong. I will be absolutely... And the other thing is if anybody falls by the wayside, it ends up in bed early or whatever. Fucking more fool now.

Laugh at them. Don't be. Yeah, you're not going to... Can you slow down your shit face? It's like, your shit face got bed. Fuck, you fucked it. You got a truth. Absolutely manted you are um

should we go into our first game yeah so one thing we did enjoy is uh somebody uh in the on the on the twitter uh mentioned uh something we used to play a lot more games than just muggle corner and uh dad jokes uh then we just got a bit lazy and stuck to those two because they were the fan favorites but turns out there were actually some other fan favourites so we're bringing one of them back now and that is this isn't true lies

what's this called I don't know because true lies is where you tell someone

a lie that sounds like a truth we can just call this truth or

false because of your truth for those who don't get the truth reference

it's Scottish for dry mouth truth and it's just a funny thing daddy got rushed

into hospital with a truth mate I didn't no you woke us up at a music festival like you were fucking humming

I had stomach ulcers I don't know if I had to climb over all the women and be like what's wrong oh it's my truth oh no

and then and then I correct me if I'm wrong I got you in the car hung over and I drove you to the car, hung over, and I drove you to the nearest hospital, the festival, and the doctor put like these wooden stick. It's already wrong. On your tongue.

It's already wrong. They're gone. It's as dry as a bone. It's a wooden stick, of course. And he wrote you out a prescription for a glass of water. I mean, he did do that, but along with the medicine to fix my stomach ulcers. Then a glass of Rio

and the medical tent. This can fuck off. That's an absolute slanderous lie. I'll walk you there, I'll hold your hand and walk you to the medical tent so you can get your truth fixed.

But this is one where we have, we say three things about ourselves. All three can be true. None of them can be true none of them could be true it's up to the other person to work out which are true and which are false so i'll go first i was uh i was the first kid to get detention in my primary school in over 50 years and i wasn't even there for the incident i came second in the th Halloween costume competition for dressing up as Harry Potter and I've accidentally came

to gay porn. Right. So these are the things, right. So the first one is you got put under detention. The first person to be under detention in 50 years. What kind of pussy school are you on? Like, fuck man, I was under detention every week, right. Every week, without fail.

Because it was latenesses. Three latenesses in a week. Why? And you get put on detention on the Friday, and I was in a classroom full of people as if it was just a regular class. Was Ross Noble's mom? Oh, was she in detention? She was a naughty, naughty girl.

And Noble was my teacher. Oh, okay. So, yeah, so I ended up in detention a lot, right? I kind of understand. I think that's the part of it. at our nobles for a teacher oh okay so yeah so I ended up in detention a lot right I can understand I think that's the part of it

that's the lie is that you're the first one in 50 years the incident that you weren't there maybe you got put in detention for an incident where you weren't there

because if I was like getting caught doing something at school and I knew you I'd be like oh it was Daniel Sloss and the teachers would be like thee

little sneak and the second one school and I knew you, I'd be like, oh, it was Daniel Sloss. And the teachers would be like, the little snake. The second one, you come third in a Halloween. Second. You come second in a costume competition dressed as Harry Potter. You didn't even know there was a costume competition. You were just coming back from the cinema. If you

don't know, new listeners, Daniel dressed in Harry Potter to go in the Harry Potter film. Figured it was fancy dress and he was the only one. Yeah, it's not that I thought it was fancy dress,

but I was a big fan of the Harry Potter books. I remember when they premiered in America, I remember watching all the stuff in the news and loads of people had gone there

dressed as all the characters for Harry Potter. It was like proper cosplay shit. Everyone was dressed up and was like, that looks mint. And the dumb 11-year-old me was like,

fucking Dunfermline's, going to do the same, oh my god, put a lightning tattoo, on his head, actual tattoo as well, it's still there, you know,

when Harry Potter came out, everybody thought, I'd come dressed as Dobby, but I was just wearing, my best gear, somebody gave you a sock, and you were like, finally I'm free,

I'm free, alright, second one i can believe first one i think's a lie third one was i accidentally came to kate gay porn yeah i certainly came to kate porn you know what happened to me once right i was watching channel five because i didn't have they met when i was a boy you didn't have the dialogue but I was a boy you did you had the dialogue but you had to wait for it

you couldn't really get a video you used to sometimes get images of Nell McAndrew on my dreamcast that is the

saddest sentence I think that's been said in this podcast for a long time so channel 5 honestly somewhere honestly just

somewhere in the world Nell McAndrew's tits just started burning Channel 5 Honestly somewhere Honestly just somewhere In the world Delma Kandri's tits Just started burning So I was watching Channel 5 Parents were in bed And I was having a

Snape my wank I'm sorry A what? A snape my wank A quiet one Trying not to wake anyone I just thought you meant Precision from a distance

Trying to hit them In a ghillie suit I just thought you meant like precision from a distance. Trying to hit them. In a ghillie suit. So there was this thing on where there was these two lads, and they picked up this girl that was hitchhiking, and the girl was flirtatious and stuff, and these lads were just young boys, and they're just like, I think we're in here.

They end up in this motel, and they start kissing her, and she's kissing them back, and she's in between them. It's like, right, this is my because you got you kind of rewind channel 5 Another skybox So we try to tame it for like it's not even gonna be hardcore right you get boobs at best And I'm just trying to pick them over before the fucking scene changes and it's something else I'm just sat there with me dick would wonder what to do. What's your match of the day? So yeah, they're like, you know, I like it. I do know I brought like I'm about sat there with my dick wondering what to do watch a match of the day so yeah they're necking over

and I'm like can I do it on my bra and I'm like I'm about to see some titty and then they just like went past her and started kissing each other and she just kind of

leaned back and it was just two dudes kissing and I think well that's enough of that boys you shouldn't still be hard what are you doing

so yeah it's plausible the scene can change real quick I think that's true alright You shouldn't still be hard. What are you doing? Yeah. It's plausible. The scene can change real quick. I think that's true. All right. So you think the first one's... I think the first one's a lie because you can't be the first one in 50 years under tension.

All right. You think the second one... That's true. Second Harry Potter. Second in the Harry Ween costume. And you think the third one... You'd really commit to it if you'd done a Halloween costume.

You wouldn't just throw somebody together. And you think the third one, I've accidentally come to gay porn, is true. You're wrong on all three. Oh, really? Yeah, I was the first person. East Wings was a very small school. There was less than 100 pupils in it.

And there's no late. Everyone lives two minutes from the school. Nobody's getting buses. So 100 people in the school, so that's all three or four years? Seven years. Seven years getting buses so 100 people in the school so that's like all three or four years seven years seven years of school

100 people so one class per year so it's not like you had population groups no no no primary one was like 15 pupils my class

all through the years was 20 pupils shit we had school populations so there'd be like four classes in each population and then four would

compete against each other in like the sporting events. And the people in the other population had a different dinner. It was like you didn't even know

them cunts. A different dinner? You mean like a different meal or just like... No, no, like we'd get like 12 till 1, they'd get one or

two or something. So proper like Hogwarts. No, that's like... Well, just like Hogwarts, but you guys are scum. Hogwarts had like

four other classes, four other house groups. Like Snugglepuff and... Slip it in. Slip it in. for other house groups? Like Snuggle Puff and... Slippin' In. Slippin' In. Griffin Giesmoor. Snuggle Puff and Slippin' In.

Yeah, so I was basically... I was the alleged ringleader of the group. And what that meant was, of the ten boys, I was the one that was the captain of the football team because I was the best at football, which isn't hard when there's 20 people. If you're the mad cunt, you're a school leg. And then there was one kid that I was off sick,

and the next day at the football, one of the boys who was under my charge kicked the bully kid ball over the fence, and he started crying and stuff, and they bullied him a bit. And I came back the next day, and they're like, you facilitated this. I was like, I was spewing. You always spew.

You're like, wait. The second one is false, because I actually came first. I can't believe you doubted me. I obviously came first as the Harry Potter. I didn't come second. actually came first. I can't believe you doubted me. I obviously came first as the Harry Potter. I didn't come second, I came first. You came first as Harry Potter? Yeah.

That's what I was going to think as well. Who came first? And the gay porn one isn't me, it was my friend Alistair, not the one you know, the other one. Well, that was in the porn? No. He was just telling me that he was just watching anal porn and was really loved it. He was like, that is a stellar ass getting pounded then.

And he came and then just when he was doing clean up, he looked up and then they'd finally pulled out. It was two guys. What? He got micked? He got punked? Yeah. He was just like, it's fine. That's unlucky.

No. No, it is. Do what you do. Right. These are my three. I used to keep notches on my bedpost every time I got layered

I squashed a line into a five bar gate on my headboard that's number one I've seen your headboard and there's no notches in it so true

number two I used to climb up my bedroom window onto the coal house roof and then into my neighbour's bedroom window when he was out

and make small adjustments to his furniture. We've done that with Rouge. And then this is the third one. I went to the school nurse with a girl at my class and told the nurse that the girl was pregnant and we took her guidance and counsel when we hadn't so much as kissed. Okay, so the first one, naunch on the bedpost, I don't think that's true and if it is absolute shame on you

that's not I can understand if you're young and you've heard the phrase all your life notched on the bedpost but I think there comes a time when your intelligence will be like oh it's just a turn of phrase you don't mean that and if you didn't work that out you're the thickest cunt bastard

like it's real like what is one one of the bedposts is about the time you had sex and the other one is wanked and because that one's wanked there's none of it left

it's just the knobs down on the floor like a fucking overly licked gobstopper I think that's false I think the second one I've got a question So you're claiming

It was Rouge's house No no Because Rouge was The second door down From me So there was A house in between And me and him

Used to get out My bedroom Onto the coal house And then you can get What adjustments Were you making Just like Turning the furniture

Like fucking move The chair in his Fucking back bedroom Around the side Change the ornaments Just like little things that he made. There was an old man that lived on his own. I hope this isn't true.

He went to his party. He would have just looked and went, that's weird, that was first, not me. I just make them think you had poltergeist. The third one was... No, no, no, it's poltergoose unless there's more than four of them. Poltergeist. And the third one was...

The third one was I went to the school nurse with a girl out of my class and we told the nurse that she was pregnant and we were worried about telling her parents. That's 100% true. I think so. So what have you got? First one is false, a hope. Second one is false, a hope.

And the third one's true. The third one's true, right. It's the first one I did. I used to is false a hope and the third one is true the third one is true right the first one I did used to keep notches on my head oh no

I was like I lost my virginity when I was 15 oh my god me and Callum used to try like fuck try and get laid

before we turned 16 it was just like a mission like we've got to have sex before we're 16 we've fucking gone anyway

kissed a couple of chicks when I got laid when I was 16 I was like dead proud a couple of chicks Like Then I got there I was 16 I was like dead proud And I just fucking got home Like fucking cocky as shit So wait

You fucked her But not even in the bed Oh you don't know what happened No Not know if I was losing my virginity In the shed Oh I think so Tell me

So I I waited for my mum and dad To take me to the cinema So surely you're not She should have been in the shed Shed post You don't get In the coal house So Oh my What I'm in my dad's They take me to start the cinema So surely you're not She should have been in the shed Shed post You don't get it In the coal house

Oh my What I was in the coal house We didn't like Keep coal in it Because of the Gas fire Oh god

This is the most Newcastle thing I've ever heard Bicycles and that Lawnmower Just move them along The Rooster's in the garden now On the grass

He didn't even want the shed He was like I'll stay in the grass he didn't even want the shed he was like I'll stay in the wilderness why didn't you just give him the fucking lawnmower while you're busy

while you're out there he's already ploughing something me and Rouge Rouge and Pitt my Pitt we were hanging around the street

just drinking tinnies waiting for me mum and dad to take my sister to the cinema we see the car going down the street why are they taking your sister to the cinema We see the car That gone down the street Why are they taking your sister To the cinema and not you?

Because she's six years younger than me She was ten Right I was sixteen I was fucking getting pussy Okay keep going Mate In real life she's had it

Being laid a few times He's younger than me He was fifteen at the time Maybe fourteen actually He was a fucking. He was 15 at the time. Maybe 14, actually. He was a fucking legend. I was a fucking beard, though. I always get laid with a beard when you're 14.

I wouldn't know. So, I fucking get to the house. Got out of my pockets. Didn't have a key. Tell you which key I did have. Coal house. P picked up the wrong keys so I went to the call house and then I got in

that when my mum and dad got back from the cinema I just went straight upstairs and fucking pulled out a squash in the head post so sad kept it up for a few days

and then they just like you don't get to so I was that girl for like a few years right and then I had like a massive throat and then I remember where I got with this girl and I was about to bring her back to the house I was that girl for like a few years right and then I had like a massive drought

and then I remember when I got with this girl and I was about to bring her back to rehearsal I was like fuck the fucking headboard's got notches like four

I hadn't even gotten the scratch through the middle wait wait so you did it for each time you had sex not each different person not each time

because I was a kid man I was 16 as a boy and then like when I was about kid man I was 16 as a boy and then like when I was about like fucking 17 I got this girl who I ended up going out with

for a long time for like 5 years when she was coming back to me so I was like fuck I've got to get in the head and like fucking scribble it out

before she sees it so that's true I didn't used to gan oh thank god good I'm real glad that's not true I didn't use to go and read the artist's book. Oh, thank God. Good. I'm real glad that's not true.

I didn't use to. I'm glad you didn't believe it as well. Because I wrote that and I'm like, oh, no. This is a test to see how much of a reprobate Danny thinks I really was. That's not even been a reprobate. That's just a bastard. And yes, I did go to school nurse with Tracy Stansfield. And we were 13.

Name dropper. We were 13. We were we were 13 we were 13 and we went and there was a joke like that she was pregnant and she had had her first kid

when she was 15 I predict these things he's come to see a show is he he's been to see a show oh is this the guy from I think it was like

in it was north of London but not quite London I remember he was like 14 or 15 when he came. Yeah, so he'll be, let's do the maths. If she was 15, he'll be 15, 16.

He'll be 18 now. Oh, sweet. But if it was, it would have been 20. It would have been 20. The original. But I just fucking went in. It was just like a little bit of just dirt myself. Fucking hell.

Very funny. Bowsy, isn't it? Very bowsy. Okay, so I won then. You see what I look like as a kid now? That fucking funny ballsy innit very ballsy okay so I won then you see what I look like as a kid now

that fucking nurse must have been looking because Tracy was a bit of a hottie in school now like nurse must have

been like oh and a 13 year old she was one of the popular kids you know I just thought

the nurse was speaking it was this chubby bastard all right let's move on to Muggle Corner I think we've only got time for two each so I've got one this is from online

so I'd like you to think Jean Fowrie you know your name might be Jean Jean Fowrie Jean Fowrie Jean Ferry says, Muggles say, oh, don't talk to me till I've had my morning coffee.

Oh, my God. Yeah, like putting too much emphasis on that I crank you in the morning. Oh, yeah, just look at me with my personality. It's just like, that is also the most Facebooky. That's as bad as,

oh, Mondays. Or, you know what I call Tuesdays second Mondays it's like oh we get it you hate your job it's hump day

I just yeah don't get me wrong I like coffee I think it's fine I don't you text me asking if I can make you

a coffee this morning in a whatsapp group of 11 people I just I just love that you're my bitch um but yeah like i think also this is another thing where i've like i've never had a job where i have to wake up early like apart from the uh apart from when i was a paintball referee i had to wake up like 5 a.m

and i did have coffee then to sort of wake me up but i wasn't like oh but i'll get this i'm gonna be a right hulk i'll just be proper miserable little grouchy thing and oh I've changed you know there's little shitty internet coffee there's little shitty internet comics like me before coffee

me after coffee and it's a cat with it's face down on the table and then a cat looking at it and it's like Jesus Christ

and it's well you know like I take a leg coffee and it does give us this pick me up but it doesn't affect us that much like it doesn't these us that much. Like it doesn't, these people

need to try drugs. If you fucking like the man by that you're going to have coffee. Don't talk to me until I've had my morning line. I think it's,

like don't get me wrong, if you work at a job and I feel, it's not the fact that you do need your morning coffee. I'm not saying and I don't think

Gene's saying that is muggly. That's not muggly. If you're up in the morning and you need your coffee you fucking do it. I'm not saying, and I don't think Gene's saying, that is muggly. That's not muggly. If you're up in the morning, you need your coffee, you fucking do it. I love going to the leisure centre, straight up to the cafe,

get me coffee. The problem is, is you just letting everyone know that you're having a hard, like, because if you're saying that, don't talk to me until I've had my morning coffee, you're talking to someone else

who is also up early in the morning and you're just being like, my life's harder. Yeah. My life's harder. Yeah. Yeah, that's dickish isn't it yeah so that's why I would

I would agree that that is definitely I feel like you're just you're adding a personality trait to your life I'm not a morning person Nick but I couldn't inflict it on anyone else

I saw your grandad's funeral didn't give a shit I'm not a morning person more cheerful yeah so still somehow you got morning wood. Was it the pallbearer?

I don't know how that made his heart. Depends who Paul is. Do you remember there was a wrestler called Paul Bearer? Aye, he was the Undertaker's dad. Is he? Oh no, he's Paul Bearer. Probably the Undertaker. No, he's Dizzy.

He was the Undertaker. I think we've got to the worst riff we've ever had in this podcast it was the worst right so that's the muggle corner I think so

like acting like the Hulk until you've had your morning coffee don't talk to me like oh look how much my mood changed

I've had my coffee now you can talk to me right okay muggles muggles actively rebel against Facebook trends. Like, they're too mature for them. Like, oh, what's this cell phone shelf thing? Like, oh, it's fucking boring.

I mean, you can't say that, but then we're both in the corner because seeing people that do those fucking coloured Facebook statuses, we've actively rebelled against those for two years now. Yeah, that's a little bit fucking self-righteous rather than just like a funny, silly trend, though. And yes, I do agree that we're being muggly because you can just ignore that people put

the flag on their Facebook status. You can call them a muggle. You can call us muggles for calling it. But this being that, like, just rinsing, like, I saw Matty was doing it, and it's very muggly, what Matty's been doing. Yeah, so you've heard of Elf on the Shelf.

Here is, like, oh, yeah, there's one where it was me in a sewer, and you've heard of Elf on the Shelf. Here is, like, oh yeah, there's one where it was me in a sewer and it was me on a pie. Spear in a sewer, carrot in a pie.

Gareth Watt on a parrot, carrot on a parrot. I don't know if that was actually it but that was my funnier answer. Yeah, so you've done like a handful of them but then somebody like posted an article about like,

oh now there's a boring meme on your screen and like, you used it, one of like, you still did it, like you did what Mat's a boring meme on your screen. You still did it. He did what Matty was doing. You still joined in. You still did it.

You just fucking fired that gun in both directions. You took yourself out with a bullet. You did it. It's okay to not be involved in banter. People being like, oh, God, I fucking hate this trend. It's the equivalent of walking down the street, seeing a bunch of people in the park laughing and being like it's not funny I don't get it I

think it's shit and then walking away being like told those youths yeah I think anybody that's like rising above something you're just being a

joy dampener rising above something and being like like outwardly but to be fair to be fair that point there that is exactly what we're doing in

Muggle Corner though yeah this is us actively rising above most things so I think if you're putting this in we're taking

ourselves out with the same bullet yeah I am doing such a hypocritical fucking podcast we're all guilty

if you're gonna put that in then we are both in the corner I hope you know that like I do agree because it's the same thing

we discussed last week it's people who proudly exclaim about don't watching certain TV shows it's the same thing we discussed last week. It's people who proudly exclaim about not watching certain TV shows. It's the same sort of virtue signalling. I'm better than you because I'm much more intelligent than this bit that I deem unintelligent or subpar. And I'll agree with that on that.

But you and I are definitely in it. Did you see Dave Longley's? You've heard on the shelf now, and he posted a picture of a drone of two people having sex, and he had pointed at him, me, and then your mum. Dave Longley is a belter comedian. If you can get the chance to follow him on Twitter, I strongly recommend you do.

Oh, his Facebook and Twitter are so good. Fucking he baits people. He does that line where we know he's joking, but it's pitched in a way that it doesn't make you joke. Dave Longley is... He goes fishing for trolls. It's messed up. Yeah, so Dave Longley is a left-wing person,

but he will absolutely troll the left with all the hypocrisies and... Oh, man, he puts out stats that help the right. Yeah. While being left-leaning. Because he's... Because he puts a balanced view on it. Because he knows he's friends with the comedians on Facebook,

so he knows the best way to... And all comedians are left-wing, mostly. And he just puts that out just to bait them, and I think it's absolutely fucking hysterical. My next one from Muggle Corner, and I feel really strongly about this one. Is this another one of Gene's? No, no, this is mine.

I feel very strongly about this, but I don't know if it's just because I'm also a grub. Muggles comment if your shirt isn't ironed. The amount of fucking times, right? Don't get me wrong. If I'm at a wedding, a funeral, something when some part of someone's life is dying, fine. But I don't iron my clothes.

I don't iron them. I tumble dry them. They've got craziness. Who gives a shit? The reason I'm wearing clothes isn't to look attractive. The reason I'm wearing clothes is because if I don't I'll go to jail like if I

get cold yeah I'll get freezing cold the amount of times like I'll be at a gig at the stand and people are like you didn't iron your shirt

and I'm like I've been doing this for ten fucking years if they're looking at my shirt during any point during this show I'm a shit comic

like it's just such a it's like oh my god I get the same shit for not wearing matching socks. You know wearing matching socks? It's like, I don't pair my socks. See, after I've done the washing up and hanging everything up,

I fold the stuff-ish in the way that I think clothes are folded. I throw them in the thing and I don't pair my socks because I've got a fucking Nintendo Switch. I'm busy. Yeah, pairing socks means nothing to anybody like

oh but it's the people that point it doesn't matter I would never comment on someone else's like fuck it you've got a hole in your shirt right now

I've not mentioned that until right now there we are I've got a big old stain here because just a stain I would understand like oh I saw

I saw you had a stain is that the same top as last night no the top you were wearing last night you had a little spillage off your

side on it. I did. And I went, what's that? And pointed at your chest. And you looked at it like, do you think I'm going to fall for that in a million years? You know. And you actually had a stain on your top. And I just went, it doesn't matter.

You don't remember? Did you think I was trying to get you? No. I was pointing out the stain. No, I still do. I still do, no. Genuinely. I'll never trust you again after the geese incident.

I did an earnest what's that? And pointed at the stain on your top. Yeah Yeah I did an earnest pull my finger and it cracked I just think this I get it so often Because I never am I quite like wearing shirts right I bought a couple of nice linen ones I want to clarify this is t-shirts not shirts

Shirts I understand you probably I still don't iron shirts The thing with shirts is I like wearing them, but I'm not going to iron one if I have... Like, if I have to iron it, wear it. I'm just not wearing it. Right. It's like, I'd love to wear shirts more often,

but they come with admin. Fuck that noise. Right. Like, I don't need to look good as much as I need to not be ironing. Yeah. And I also... Like, if you're basing your opinion on me,

on the state my clothes are in, we're not going to be mates. Like, that shows me how deep your judgment at a character goes compared to mine. Yeah. I'm so not fashionable, though.

Like, clothes mean quite a lot to some people. And I really like it when they do, like, fucking, and I call Donald, he's, like, really selective about what he wears. I love the way...

And I like watching him being good at, like, picking his wardrobe and, like, presenting himself as, like, the avatar that he wants to be presented as and I'm like oh fuck

I kinda when I watch someone like Carl I'm like I kinda wish I had that like drive to look good because I do think it like helps the way

the world responds to you but I just don't have that drive like I just fucking put on a plain t-shirt and a pair of jeans alright the first time I wear a shirt

is the time I feel best I'm like man this is good I went through about six months where I did, you know, iron everything. And I was like, I do feel like pretty hot.

I feel a little bit, I just couldn't give a shit. I just got bored of it. I was just like, it's not worth it. I think like now that, you know what, now that I've started

listening to audiobooks, I may be a bit more on iron because I've been loving just making my eggs in the morning with my headphones on. I like mine with a kiss. I like mine with a twix right what's your next one

sorry you're agreeing that's in the corner what was it again my girl's comment if your clothes aren't ironed yeah definitely

it's none of their business right if it bothers you that much you fucking iron it he has a little trick right you use the tumble dryer

mostly don't you if you hang your clothes up, just get them when the washing machine's just finished and just whap them out. Yeah. And they come when he tells them that, saves it, and it's a little life hack that everybody already knows.

Muggles say you've got too much time on your hands when you do something creative. Like if it's something silly, like make a little video. No. Or make a meme or something like that. Aye. Cut and paste something. it's like you've got

too much time on your hands you're like yeah that's why I did this uh huh like I was doing instead of you just sitting there watching the other scenes

of Love Island you've got kids which time have you got in your hands to have kids I don't have enough time on my hands to have kids

yeah imagine like your kid comes in like my mommy I drew a picture of the house you've got too much. Turn your house. Get back to the mines.

Get out the chimney. Yeah, I just think that, I think that you should have enough time to do silly little creative things. Why? Put together little videos on your phone. Just knock something up. Be creative.

Do something. That isn't a misuse of time. That is what time is. It should be useful. It makes you happy. It brings brings you joy it brings other people joy if you get it right when we were doing uh all of our little instagram story videos of us being like oh playing oh there he is someone messaged me on instagram being like you post too many instagram story videos i'm like don't watch them then like wait what do you want like i've played a fucking game online i'm filming it it's fully up to you yeah it was like

do I have too much time on my hand you've got the time to fucking watch this shit and complain yeah like yeah you've got more like you've watched the thing I did and you can skip shit as well like sometimes I'll be scrolling through

and then sometimes it'll just be like someone playing with their kids right and they fair enough people want to see that right people want to like their family call

I don't want to see a picture of you and your kids and I'll just like skim through it and then I'll see someone doing something dumb and I'm like ah I'm into

dumb shit you can pick and choose what you watch I think it's yeah again it's another form

of like virtue signaling that like oh man if I had the time you did I'd be spinning a wiser

you're on Facebook shut the fuck up what are you on about you're not using your

time wisely none of us are he's in a trough he's not a cunt oh alright so let's go through those I think all four got in so the rules here is

if you are susceptible to sorry if you do any of these muggly things it doesn't make you a full muggle but you are a bit of a muggle so you have to punish yourself by standing in muggle corner which is any corner

the nearest one to you for 30 seconds so muggles say don't talk to me till i've had my morning coffee tomorrow morning go have your morning coffee in the corner you fucking muggle just sit in there and be like i'll look at that muggle doing his sentence all right go over there and just go be grumpy in the corner until you've had it and she will be a pleasant person to the rest of the world uh and muggles comment if your shirt isn't ironed. If you're that fast

by how unironed my clothes are, iron them for me. Yeah. You've got too much time on your hands. Yeah, muggles say you've got too much time on your hands

when you do something creative. That's right now, I've got too much time on your hands if you iron your shirt. What fucking time have you got on your hands if you iron your shirt?

Can you not be making a video or playing Mario Kart? If you're a muggle, you've got too much time on your hands so go spend some of that time, 30 seconds, in the corner, you not be making a video or playing Mario Kart if you're a muggle you've got too much time in your hands so go spend some of that time 30 seconds in the

corner you fucking muggle yes and also actively rebelled against Facebook trends which we're in the corner for I'm 100% in the

corner for that some of the trends are shit all right finally on to your dad jokes do you want to go first

yes your dad poses Capri Sun into a glass. Your dad is convinced he can't go on a cruise because loose lips sink ships in your mum's fan. He's massive. Your dad

always chases the postman back down the street and gives him the post back and says, you dropped this. And then twerks. Your dad's been spayed new dad your dad practiced kick-ups in the school

playground without a ball whilst you were in class your dad had a dream that he was eating a giant marshmallow and when he woke up he was disappointed to find out he was

still married to your mum your dad sells lollipops in the ladies' toilets. Your dad is in court order, which means he can't play his baby Peach or baby Mario in Mario Kart. Your dad goes out drinking with his mates in the woods. He got caught in a rabbit snare and he got stuck and his mates threw cocks all over him with a sharpie and left him there.

He's still there. Is that what he is? I thought he left my mum. Your dad goes to the strippers with Monopoly money. Your dad thinks that the boy in the striped pyjamas could have been a more uplifting movie if they'd used laughing gas. Your dad is the only person that's never shouted, Linda!

Linda! Your dad cried when you were born because he wanted a games room and it all hinged on a complication in your birth. But yeah, it's true. Your dad calls licking stamps Rimming old Lizzie So do we all now So do we all

Your dad sends himself valentines cards On the 15th of February when it's cheaper Your dad is UGLY He ain't got no alibi He ugly And a genetic Skips a generation why he ain't got no alibi. He ugly. Hey, hey, he ugly. And a genetic. Skips a generation.

Your dad mushes his worming tablets into his mac and cheese to trick himself into eating them. Your dad is just a small town girl living in a lonely world who took a mid-town train

going anywhere I don't know what this song's about that song by Glee it's making people mad it was journey your dad uses his Mac cable as a skipping rope guess who's back back again your dad uses his Mac cable as a skipping rope with a box of size guess who's back

back again your dad's back and he legally has to tell the neighbours he's on the register are you done that was it oh I've got one more

what bonus one oh the single ladies oh the single ladies oh the single ladies kiss their fingers and point to the sky whenever they mention your mum's name

in honour of the sacrifice she's made to keep them all safe. From me dad. Bye. We are on tour tonight, which you won't know. We're in Burnham because it's Thursday. So on Thursday, the day you're listening to this,

we will be in Aberdeen at the Lemon Tree, which I'm almost certain is sold out but get online or phone because there still might be a few tickets left same goes for Inverness on Saturday

at Eden Court that is pretty much no is that a Friday oh yeah sorry Friday yeah yeah Thursday Aberdeen Thursday Aberdeen Friday

all the way around Inverness Google it no no I'm definitely right Saturday Dundee at the fucking Thursday, Friday, Inverness. Google it. No, I'm definitely right. Saturday, Dundee at the fucking

garden, Georgian Centre, I don't know what the fuck it's called. That's almost sold out. And same goes for Sunday in Newcastle,

stand. And while we're here, I'm going to have a little plug, right? So, after the stand gig in Newcastle, you're going back to Scotland.

We've got one day off. I'm going to hang around and launch the Punch Drunk Run. So, I'm going to host the Punch Dr right so after the stand gig in newcastle uh you're going back to scotland we've got one day off i'm going to hang around and launch the punch drunk run so i'm going to host the punch drunk run of rob deering gareth walk off and uh and eddie brimson so it's a fucking it's a mint lineup it's going to be banging and then andrew stanley replaces me and blithe on tuesday and on ashton on wednesday so punch drunk's going to be on all week Monday sorry the Blythe and Ashton gigs are selling really good because that's how they do

the Cramlin ones it's going a little bit slower but this is the one I'm on not Stanley so I need to rally some troops

to go on Team Humphreys so I can laugh at Stanley and say ha ha we've got the bigger crowd and we're also off to Cambridge and Lincoln and we're

coming more down south next week so go online keep tweeting uh tweeting us uh suggestions for uh muggle corner or games that you want to hear us play in the podcast please keep recommending to friends because we're getting a lot of new listeners and that is down to you lot so thank you very much for that uh apart from that love you lots see you on tour see you on tour and see you on monday love you bye