Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.20 Born Again Virgin

Episode Date: January 18, 2018

You'll see him on Comedy Central on Friday at 10pm (Roast Battles Vs his dad) you can have him in your ears right now. Elliot Steel would have got destroyed by his opponant if he knew what is revealed on this podcast. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Back with the podcast. Too many muggins and not enough creams. Excellent again. Wonderful. Best one yet. Yeah, we're here with Elliot Steele. Drink and game, everybody. Podcast listeners, drink and game.

Every time Elliot asks, do you know what I mean? You take a shot. Do you know what I mean, though? Oh, man, they're going to be hammered ten minutes they really are I listened back to the last one and I was like oh fuck I didn't answer

any of them questions I knew exactly what you meant every time just so you know I'll just give you another next time that's a regional like um

South London thing you know what I mean oh for fuck's sake now you know your tick it's going to break it oh no it's going to break you know you know this tick it's a South London thing it. Oh, no. It's going to break, you know, this tick.

It's a South London thing. Not even a South London thing. It's a London thing. It's a pimp thing. It was played on South Park. There was an episode where they had a... Because South Park had an episode where a pimp said it, it must therefore be a pimp thing.

Because Butters tried to become a pimp, and every time they asked, you know what I mean? Butters was like, yeah, I think I know what youimp and every time they asked, you know what I mean? Butters was like, yeah, I think I know what you're saying. Yeah. I wasn't, you know what I mean? It was, you know what I'm saying?

Know what I'm saying? I think we can use South Park definitely as a source of documentary form. I mean, unless it fucking crossed the Atlantic from Palace. Might have done. Is that what you're saying? Is that what you mean? They might have got influenced

by the great Crystal Palace football team back in 1911. I did it there. I did it with my dad. My dad had this tick where he sort of like said sort of like in the middle of a conversation. So he's trying to tell you what he's saying and kind of forgets what's next. So sort of like. Pauses, says sort of like. I caught him one time doing a double sort of like.

He was just telling us a story and then he sort of like, sort of like told us the rest of it. And I was like, whoa, too much. I've got got to tell him i've got to let him know about this tick and i told my dad that he did it and he didn't realize like he was like no i don't and he denied it like he was just like he hadn't heard himself doing it and then like five seconds later i sort like and then stopped and smiled and was like oh fuck oh know and then um uh i would like every time i've seen him since he's he's probably cut down on it but do you do you know do you notice like sometimes like i find when i hang out if i come up especially when i go hang out in scotland for a month for the festival i'm hanging around with you i'm hanging around with danny suddenly i come back and i'm

saying i oh yeah suddenly i come and then i've noticed that if you get sometimes someone will say something like a little someone will say like merc or bear do you know what I mean in like when talking I do know what you mean as you mention it because I do say merc

I do say merc I've adopted merc because I really like it but bear I'll only say ironically because I think it's ridiculous why do you say bear

for very yeah it's just silly bear's already used for stuff like merc that get like it's fucking silly bears are already used for stuff like merc that get like it's fucking

mercenaries and merc you like fucking merc them I never thought of it like that that's the that's the

connection I made with my brain is like if you merc someone you've been like a mercenary you've fucking shot them down

right oh okay it's a good use of bastardisation of a word bear bears are already taken

what by by bears but not by the word very well the bears can share like if bear meant powerful

like he's got a fucking bear car you're like alright this is a powerful car yeah but it

kind of does like you'd be like the car's bear powerful no but that could have been bear weak it doesn't

mean powerful it's an amplifier for powerful it means very. Yeah. I've already got canny for that, so I don't really replace bear with canny. What does...

Canny with bear. What are the other Geordie phrases then? Well, canny's a utility word because it's an amplifier the same as bear where you say, oh, I was canny drunk. I was canny hot. So why can't we have bear drunk? You can, but like the utility word I was kind of drunk. I was kind of hot. So why can't we have bear drunk?

You can, but the way utility word I was wearing also means the mood you're in is decent. If someone asks how you're doing, you can say, can't he? And you can put a twist on it, like if you went on a date and you go, how was the date? You're like, hi, can't he? It means it's good, but if you're like, nah, can't he? Nah, you had a shit time.

So why can't we just be like, the date was bear good? This is the word bear. right it means it's good but if you're like ah can i no you had a shit time but we but so why can't we just be like the date was better good this is the word bear you need a word bear in there but in south london we're not going to use the word bear much because there aren't actually any bears so we need we've got that word we might use it for something so it's free but it's also like it's a homophone for like like, other words as well, like, back, and also mean you've got no clothes on. Oh, yeah, I didn't think that. It's just, like, it's already taken on, it's double-pocked already.

You didn't even put a third fucking mean in. Yeah. I wonder how we can... The cupboards are bare. I wonder how it did come about, that, though. Like, how, one day, I've always wondered, like, how did language actually develop? Like, was one person just there going, like,

yo, I thought of some things, and the other people, like, not able to express themselves. I've always wondered how did language actually develop like was one person just there going like yo I thought of some things and the other people like not able to express themselves that was an old joke that the Welsh language was just two lads

fooling around and it caught on in a what it caught on it caught on oh I thought you said in a court one in a court one

yeah two Welsh lads were fooling around in a court one two Welsh boys were fooling around in a court one um two welsh boys were fooling around and they caught fire and then everyone started doing it um do you find that you have to slow down on stage sometimes especially if you've been back home oh yeah that that's um one thing i've always been sound with is on stage i've i've figured out how to soften my accent but

not lose my accent and deliver the material as a way it's going to be understood by people that aren't familiar with the Geordie accent I've got that nailed but I haven't got conversation nailed so people who have been enjoying my set and listening to my set in Estonia will have a conversation with me after the show

and I can see the panic in their eyes they don't know what I'm saying I was playing a game of Call of Duty last night with your dad, Matty and Ricketts and over headsets, I cannot understand a Geordie accent. Especially speaking to other Geordies. Yeah, and they'll be talking about something

and I'm just there like, yeah, cool. And you know when you go, yeah, and you're like, I don't know if that was a question or a statement, but I hope yeah covers it. Do you know, when you go, yeah, and you're like, I don't know if that was a question or a statement, but I hope yeah covers it. Do you know the word I for yes? You were saying you sometimes adopt the word I for yes.

Is there, sometimes people repeat what they've said. I don't know if I've mentioned this on the podcast before. It's definitely a thought that's been bouncing around my head. You'll say something to someone, someone will say something to you, and you'll agree with it. So you'll say I, but then they repeat what they've just said, because they heard, A. Like, A, like a, what up, governor?

Like a, what, do you know what the A means? Like, repeat that again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. F, A. But I've always known that I... It's my feelings of the thing, that's what I'm saying. Where does, would that happen at all to you in London?

Because in London, we would be pretty aware that up north you lot say aye. I don't know. Sometimes you never know if people can understand you or not because they can maybe mask it well. Right, yeah. It's just a struggle we're living. It's a struggle. I know what you mean.

You do know what I mean? I know what you mean. We were just talking before about, I had the news on in the background, in Carillion, I'll go and mean. We were just talking before about, had the news on in the background, and Carillion are going bust. Saddest day of my life. Sad day, Carillion are going bust, right? The third book.

I don't know about you, I'm going to assume, like me, you don't watch the news that often. Not really, no. Had you heard of Carillion up until that news story? Nope. Right. Yeah, like, I think the majority of the world

is in a similar boat, right? That they've never heard of Carillion until they read the papers and they get a little bit of knowledge on Carillion, right?

And tomorrow, they're going to be like, you heard this about Carillion? The name man, the fucking Tory shit, all you want, the fucking... You're like,

who's going to build our flats? Yeah, fucking hell, they were halfway through building the hospital, 350 million putting up the fucking swanny he didn't even

he didn't even know who Carillion was yesterday he'd have gone did that make you stupid this is the kind of thing that I know we're going to start on

hold on a second I'm going to pause this sorry to cut you off there Elliot I was taking a phone call yeah because you had to go put champagne in the food who professional

did I proper Geordie got my instructions because you had to go put champagne in the fridge. Who professionally did that? Proper Geordie. Got me instructions. Natalie rang. She said they put the champagne from the cupboard into the fridge. And it looks like we're having champagne tonight. Cool. You're off the booze?

Still off the booze. You've passed 100 days. Passed 100 days. But you were so scared that once you have that one sweet nectar. Oh, man. Do you know what it is it's that thing I go

I know once I have a drink I'm back on I'm going to be back on having a drink and where you gig if I when you're gigging

most nights of the week you're just going to end up seeing friends you're hanging out with people hanging out with bar staff and you're just going to end up backing out and I've just been

enjoying the life of fitness at the moment it's a nice life as well i've been having a fucking great time we've just had a killer muay thai session we just took a private lesson right wicked we just got we just got put in the ring nobody else in the gym just the fucking coach telling us like correct now a technique letting us go for like three minute rounds yeah it's worth mentioning to people by the way like every other thing he was saying to us was a correction because we're bad at it uh-huh like it's just something we do for fun. Yeah. And that's what's great is you don't get that kind of correction in the class.

But when a guy is like focused on you and he notices the posture you are. So we've been living this nice life. Let's just come back. I'd fucking salmon and eggs. Like we're living a pretty healthy life right now. But every now and again, something will derail you. Because last Friday I was in Sheffield and there's a guy who uh he works for the promotion works for the last laugh guy jules and uh he the last three times i've said no to a night out because the house is a little bit out of town where we stay and i don't want to worry about the taxi home at night or i'm on a health kick or whatever and i just felt like i kept making

up excuses this is like the fourth time in a row where i'm on a health kick when i'm going there and i'm like oh i'm making up excuses again like this like the fourth time in a row where I'm on a health kick when I'm going there and I'm like, oh, I'm making up excuses again. Like, this guy's got a problem with him. We used to be tight, we used to hang out. So I just went, ah, fuck it, I'm just going to have a night out and I got fucking munted, mate. How munted?

How munted? I put my name down for the karaoke. Halfway through my song, I tapped out because I couldn't see the screen. What song was it? Ask us again ask us how munted I was again

say how munted how munted when I got home I woke up in the taxi in the taxi drive when you're here and I woke up and went I'm in a taxi

serious was it that level I had no fucking idea I was in a taxi oh fuck I woke up outside the house it turns out

Jules had fucking helped us into the taxi and gave the guy the address right I was fucking munted mate and I he went it's that one there fucking either me or jules had given the wrong number right for the hoose and i'm five o'clock in the morning right now i'm trying the fucking door so i'm put our family's hoose just some geordie you know geordie in a hoodie in the middle of rotherham oh no you know it was just some random family's

house and you're trying to break into it. I'm trying to break into the fucking house after I tapped into the karaoke and I realised I was trying to get a bit of presence of mind

that I haven't gotten into the house yet. I went straight to the gig so I haven't checked into the house so what they do

is they put a key in a box and give you the code for the box and I remember I had the code written on my phone so

I'm looking for the box and I don't even see it and I'm like I don't even see it, and I'm like, I don't even recognise this hoose, I've stayed here before, it looks nothing like it. And I just kept going back,

doing the drive, got back into the hoose, and fucking claimed in with Brian Higgins. Thank you, Brian. I've done that before, I come home from Adelaide, and claimed in with Dan Willis by accident. Just fucking went into the wrong room, with the Airbnb,

just fucking jumped on top with Dan. Do you remember in Ibiza when you were munted and then we had to drag you away from some lads because you were convinced they were your friends. You would dance with these people

and me and Matty had to come up to you and go, Kai, they're not your mates. I heard about this. I heard that that happened. You were convinced. You were in this club because to tell people

we stupidly in Ibiza went out at 9pm which is not the time to go out like nothing so that means we're doing our pre-drinks

before 9pm yeah yeah all day in the villa all day pre-drinking and they went out where you start doing your rounds and your shots and drinking heavy

but nothing but things are open but no one's there yeah like we all walked out and we're like wow Ibiza's a bit shit Isn't it Because it's nine o'clock

Because it's nine o'clock Yeah people are just getting washed After a day by the pool Well yeah And in Spain and stuff That's when people They have like siestas and stuff I don't have to have them

At nine at night like but Yeah well they do it for a while Like I ain't no expert You know what I mean But they're at home They don't have any pussy nap Yeah do you know what I mean They just go home

Cook themselves a bit of tapas Or whatever it is Yeah I hear this Because one thing I remember about that night right is Matty just fucking saying to me you've made a remarkable recovery

I was like what are you talking about remarkable recovery you were just like in that fucking last joint you were just fucking like in amongst like a group of people and fucking like

just like looking at them like not I wasn't apparently I wasn't like starting shit or antagonising them but I was just like staring at them without being self awareaware that I was looking at them.

You stood with these, like, groups of lads. There was just this group of lads and you just stood there and you were dancing and you were just dancing. But they were just having a conversation between their group and you'd gone over. At Fair Play to them, they just continued with their conversation. They didn't entertain you for one little bit. So you must have thought it was just the boys. And me and Matty had to just come up and be like, Kai, Kai, it's not your group of mates.

Stranger thing. You're some stranger. You fucking bong-eye. It's about a Specsavers moment. But we had that before. Do you remember in Amsterdam, we were walking and you were like, oh, we need to catch up with a group. And what were you on about?

We're in front of the group and turned around and we just accidentally joined another group of people. So the people in our periphery that were behind, you thought they were with us. I thought that was our crew and our crew were a mile ahead.

A mile ahead. Oh, man. But I'm glad... Actually, I'm kind of sad I haven't got any stories like that at the moment. Well, that's the thing, right? Like, it's... When you start drinking,

it ropes you. When you've got, like, no control, like, we don't. Well, that's the thing, right? Like, when you start drinking, it ropes you. When you've got, like, no control, like, we don't. We don't have any control. We're, like, we're given easily to peer pressure.

So if you're not drinking, like, if you are drinking, then every one of them opportunities, the devil on your shoulder doesn't need to say that much. No, no. Like, it takes enough

to twist my arm. Like, I wasn't planning on drinking tonight, but when Natalie just rang me there saying put the fucking champagne out the cupboard

and out the fridge you're going to be shut up till five in the morning I'm going to dance your way into the kitchen you're dancing your

way to a different kitchen you're thinking it's yours so it takes nothing but because you are not drinking like that to you

would have been like I'm going to put the but where I think I'm going to come back to the drinking now is I think I've gone too far down the other side I think I've come like that you would have been like i'm gonna put the but but where i where i think i'm gonna come back to the drinking now is i think i've gone too far down the other side i think i've come the other side has come the judgy arsehole yeah do you know what i mean because now sometimes i stand there and people will tell their drinking story and i'm like oh my god and i'm just thinking

like oh don't don't turn into that guy uh judging people that are having a good time yeah like my friend was telling me a story about him out in germany and there was a little bit of me like uh he went to hamburg and stuff and he was sending little bits of it to me and i was like oh really you did that and then i thought oh come on man if you were there you'd have been enticing it do you know what i mean it was you've been having a great time yeah it was nothing bad it was just a rave and stuff you started being on your own little soapbox. Yeah, you can't be that douche. And a sloss has pulled you forward a bunch.

You've mentioned it quite a bit in a WhatsApp group. Oh, yeah. Because it annoys sloss. Yeah, maybe so. But to not do it, it kind of has to become your mantra. So now I've been, what's the date? The 17th? Yeah.

I've been 18 days without smoking, right? before new year's day i had my last cigarette but i tell myself in my head i'm gonna be a non-smoker i'm not gonna be like oh i've quit because then i'll make people enticed like i'm a non-smoker now like you know the same way like fucking like as an identity i'm a straight man right right like if i got out no matter how fucked up i get i'm not gonna kiss a dude yeah i'm not as fucked up as i am, I'm a straight man. Right, yeah. Like, if I can't out, no matter how fucked up I get, I'm not going to kiss a dude. Yeah. And as fucked up as I am where I'm just fucking staring at strangers

and joining with the wrong group, I'm trying the wrong door and all that shit, right? There's something in my being that knows I'm a straight man, I'm not going to accidentally kiss a gay dude. Well, what's the point of me coming on this fucking podcast? What's the point? What's the point? You're not drinking while I am.

So, I just want that ingrained in my head like i'm a non-smoker and the what was the best feeling in the world waking up after that fucking marathon session with jules where i woke up in the afternoon and i and i couldn't taste the smoke at the back of my throat that's normally there after a heavy night right and i was just like fucking yes you're getting through it now yeah i find as well for me i'll be straight up honest with it i love the constant appraisal of not drinking i love people congratulating you about it especially when you hit like 100 days like i have that's why you need people like danny to pick you down oh no it's great as well it's great when you like i was known as someone who turned up to a gig and have a few beers like if i was on a bill and someone else would be like oh elliot's on he'll have a few drinks you know i mean it wouldn't take me much to get me out on a weekend at a gig like if i was

doing a weekend at a glee if you were on you'd probably go i'll be up for a night out i won't have to push him too much he'll be down for it but now it's quite nice to be like to people no actually i'm not doing that so you get a different sort of character you enjoy things differently it's funny when you're like that because um like i've been there in the past where i've been on a health kick and i've not been like i change my lifestyle all the time i'm a fucking lifestyle tourist i'll be like fucking you not drinking for a while one minute the next minute i'm fucking having a session on tour that doesn't stop and sometimes i'll turn up on a bill when i'm on a health kick and that like one or two things happens you say they'll act at the bill like oh i'm not really going to

be going heavy this this week i've got like i'm just trying to be fit and everything i'm not drinking much and they'll either be relieved because they're like oh thank god i saw your name on the bill and i thought it was going to be fucking everyone oh hallelujah i'll tell the way through i'll tell you with paul Paul McCaffrey at the Comedian when I turned up and wasn't drinking. He just went, oh, thank fuck. They're ringing home going, we've got an extra 100 quid

than you thought we were going to have. But then there's that time where people have G'd up and been on the bill with you and they're like, fucking, like you'd have to be on, like say if you were going to be on with Mark Nelson next weekend, right?

Right. And he turns up and he's fucking geared up to have a good night with you and then you're like, oh you know like say you're going to be on with Mark Nelson next weekend right and he turns up and he's fucking geared up to have a good night with you and then you're like oh I'm still not drinking I'd still go out

with him though I'd still I still find doing this I'd still go out with Mark Nelson because Mark Nelson's a lot someone like Nelson's

a lot regardless do you know what I mean like he's going to be funny all through it but it's when I was I was doing I was saying I was at the community that weekend, I got to chat to a few people after the show.

No comments or anything, just people in the show. Sometimes I go out with people after the show, just because it's kind of a kind, giving human being that I am. Oh, yeah, none of it's for you. I'm going out with you because you deserve my company. You're welcome. You lot paid for the banter on stage, and now you're to receive far more on this night out.

You get to see how deprived I am, and now very lonely. And then I went out, and it was fun up until about one in the morning when I wasn't drinking, and I went, ah, everyone's too fucked now. Well, as well, that frequency change where you're the sober dude,

it's kind of fucked. It's when you hear the same story the fourth time you go oh I'm done and you start becoming a little bit creepy as well

and you I'm going to throw you under the bus oh there's a bus coming Elliot come and see this you haven't had sex since September

why are you bringing that up are we launching nukes are we fucking starting this game Why are you bringing that up? Are we launching nukes? Are we fucking starting this game? Are we starting this game? I'm bringing this up to compliment you. Let us finish my train of thought, right? Because if you'd been gotten out, right?

Like fucking sober and then pulling drunk girls. I... Right? They were fucking creeped, mate. It's a fair play to you that you've been gone out sober calendar before your fan base as i know it does starts making various very funny tweets at me like it always has done about me being stupid and stuff there's a reason being that i didn't want to explain i didn't want to explain on a podcast but here we are hold on i was about hold i thought you're gonna explain right i'm gonna ask if you're tweeting elliot

what i want you to do to add a little element of creativity to it is I want you to tell them how long in different ways, like, for instance, how many hours it's been until we're talking September the... I don't know the exact date. Let's say August. Right, so let's just say mid-September, right? And I think that's being generous to him, I really do.

15 for September. You would send him how many minutes, how many seconds, how many football matches, how many... Be creative with how long it's been since you last had sex. All right, Elliot,

what's next? Kiss again? So, oh, fuck, now this is landing me in so many trouble because they're probably listening to the... I've been with so many psychos, man.

Right? They're bad for your health. That's worse than drinking. That's worse than drugs. You start going out with psychos, man they're bad for your health that's worse than drinking that's worse than drugs you got you you start going out with psychos man that shit says they'll play more games with your mental health and there's no there's no i generally believe this girls are way more tapped into their emotions than men way more they know what each emotion means like dude i've been angry before for like two hours and worked out it's because i'm hungry you know what i mean and just

not worked out because i'm a moron like you these people have heard the other podcast i don't think you should take the whole male gender down with you dude all right i'm a moron okay but in being a moron sometimes you just when you go out partying a lot you kind of meet certain people in oh fuck i'm just digging myself i actually fuck it when you go out partying a lot you kind of meet certain people in oh fuck i'm just digging myself i'll actually fuck it when you go out partying a lot you start to meet certain the girl you meet at the chip shop at 4 a.m yeah exactly you know what i mean that girl who got chatting to you because she was a bite of your chicken burger you're not going to be putting a ring on it you know what i'm saying so now that i've stopped going out and stuff also man I'm fucking lazy

like I could I probably could get with someone but I'm like I'm not going to go out in North London I'll just stay at home have a wank

and then play some FIFA which is a sad way to live so you've lost your libido with stopping drinking too ah a little bit because it used to be a little bit like so you'd be out

hanging out with the boys now like you and Danny are both single young men right yeah when he's hanging out with the boys he's hanging out with the boys. Now, like, you and Danny are both single young men, right? Yeah. When he's hanging out with the boys, he's hanging out with the boys and girls,

like, with the group that we're in, right? Fucking mainly boys. I'm not being sexist. We mainly hang out with dudes. Yeah. So we're out with a group of boys, and he will be enjoying hanging out with a group of boys, and you will be, like, a meerkat looking for something. You'll be looking outside of the group.

You'll be like Ganoan mingling with someone. You did have a monkey on your back. I'm a social animal. I go out and I want to chat to different people, Kai. You're trying to get your dick wet. That as well. You know what I mean? So you've always had that drive in you,

but you're saying you've lost that too? A little bit, yeah. It's when it comes a million of the same story. Yeah. Do you know, I've got a million of the same story. What's great is, you know, you're saying, oh, some of them might be listening to this podcast and shit, they are, right? The best thing about psychopaths

is they don't know they are, so they'll be listening, get out, I'm going to spew you like a girl. And they'll be sitting there going, he told me I was the only girl. I'm probably sounding me. Oh, only girl and then she'll text you and then realize it's fucking all blue texts for the last 50 oh because i remember there was one time i was with the first ever like it was at the fringe one time i was where we go and i realized came over to you guys and you pulled me aside

and was like you saw the psycho before I did do you know what I mean because you claimed out your TV with a hair of our face

we can't go into this she had self harm scars on her throat oh no oh man I've just opened up a fucking you've opened up

a can of worms here for me you know that you've just ruined welcome to the podcast none of my oh man I need a drink

after this got you back at the booth yeah I see what this like fucking dead doll but but what

but what I'll say if there's any other guys out there who's going through if you go through the thing where you ain't you've got a fucking straight up honest with you like i'm trying to do now yeah it's embarrassing but just own it just absolutely own it or if you're a girl as well just absolutely own it if people are giving you shit because you're not getting some just find something else channel your energy and better yourself do you know what i mean and just just lie to yourself that way so you you're saying that you've start bettering yourself by going for more

stable women yeah like you're not going for the crazy like unhinged daddy issues fucking shit right you're not going for that anymore you want to part that so you're going for more just more wholesome girls oh yeah and you realise you can't get any yeah pretty much turns out the only girls I go with are the ones who throw hexes on you oh man

but it it is a thing like you go through life I think when you're a young guy and girls will go through it as well like let's I can't speak for them

I can't speak for them but I know there will be girls listening to this and you'll go out with dickhead guys and some of those dickhead guys are going to be my mate and hell one of them. I can't speak for them. But I know there'll be girls listening to this and you'll go out with dickhead guys and some of those dickhead guys are going to be my mate.

And hell, one of them times, I might have even been the dickhead guy. Do you know what I mean? I do know what you mean. Straight up honest. But there are some fucking psychos out there, man, as well. But it's differently played. It's not played as...

It's way more emotionally attacking. So you sort of thought and because it has i don't know what each of my emotions necessarily means you then learn to distrust yourself do you get what i'm saying yeah and then that's where i'm saying when you take a break from that you go like you can then look back at it and be like actually no fucking i was i was being all right there yeah that they were just a psycho yeah there's a there's something about as well when you when you go for girls like out of your own shallowness right so if you end up like you you you've you know you're going to get laid with this girl right so not you specifically but

anyone in a group of friends right right so you'll put up with the fact that she's a little bit fucking bonkers you'll put up with the fact that she's a pure muggle and she's got no chat and she she doesn't get jokes she doesn't have a sense of humour and all these things that might be like when your dick starts thinking for you

but the thing is like a person will bring that other half regardless of gender into a group of friends who are tight now you have wasted your fucking past here

you have inflicted that person's shit attributes on your whole group of pals, right? And none of your pals are getting their dick sucked. You know what I mean? I mean, your boy's never arsed. Oh, man.

It's an unforgivable thing. No, but this is the other thing as well. And we said it earlier, there is an age gap between us. And you guys watch me fall into every single pothole when it comes to girls a lot of the time. Do you know what I mean? I know what you mean.

Every time you watch me, you sit there in the fringe and you just sometimes would meet up for dinner and you just sit there and you just give me a stare and then I go, oh, I've done it again. This was the one. You'll know as well. you'll have that look i used to i used to do it as loss on purpose like when i was single i used to um like hang out with bimbos like i was the proper bimbo whisperer but i would always think i would always can someone please make a meme of Kai Humphries? The people whisper at me, honestly, I can easily, for the sake of the companionship,

as a single man, the sake of the companionship, I can fucking lower my intelligence to your level. That was a slam, he didn't even notice it. I can lower my intelligence just to Hugh, largely a decent person, but sometimes when I say fucking dumb as shit I mean dumb as shit

this one girl fought fucking Buzz Lightyear landed on the moon right I'm talking I'm talking that level of fucking shit right and I didn't flick that

on Danny but I would do it on purpose and he'd know that I know and I would just be encouraging like some of the fucking dumb comments

and fucking sloths would just be looking at us and I'd be smiling. And then the fact is, is it because he's a fucking good guy, he would never cockblock? Nah. That is the worst thing,

I think, as any guy. Unless you don't know you're doing it. Unless you're not self-aware enough to know you're doing it. Oh, yeah. Like you're fucking third-wheeled for too long and you haven't realised you thought you were just having a great night.

Yeah, I've been there. When your mate gives you a look, it gives you that, like, fuck-off eyes, and you go like, oh, what? I was enjoying this film. I was enjoying this game of Monopoly. I've got free hotels. They've just put on a porn where they ask the plumber to leave. I didn't get the hint.

Plumber comes. No, thank you. So, yeah, but cock blocking on a level like fucking, like whispering in the ear of a fucking girl, like they're warning them off. The worst I think there is, and I'll take it up until a point, is when you become a fool guy.

When your mate's like, oh, this fuck, you know, where his only banter is in front of a girl is slamming you. Yeah. Like, okay, I can take that up to a point if that's me wingmanning. But then if that's your way to muscle in,

and I've had that a few times and there was actually a point in Ibiza where I was sat there, I was chatting to these girls and these two other lads came over in tank tops and stuff and sat down and were trying to do the thing. And bless them, they were obviously trying to do the whole,

like, hey, look at us and our muscles. And it was just like, they came in and every bit of banter they did was to try and disrupt me, but I'd laugh at it. Yeah. And I'd enjoy it. And then it just made them look silly.

And it's when people come in and do that kind of thing i mean i never got with them girls anyway so yeah they'll probably look at these two chest beating motherfuckers i'm at the fringe let's go and find a poetry man let's go to the pleasant courtyard and pick up a poet did your hardest not to say a name then didn't you I want an artist an artist a piss artist actually no names from the main I'm gonna say

but but yeah but when you but the thing is when you stopped you got cut blocked recently actually by someone who

inboxed oh yeah that was a dick move mutual friend of ours phoned out you are texting a girl and then

text her you just salensters yeah yeah yeah you didn't want us to mention it was Stanley yeah Andrew the cat Stanley not even like

I think it was just to try and get at you wasn't it oh yeah he was just trying to he was just trying to like throw a bit of banter in my way

but it was just inappropriate it was just inappropriate but that's the thing I'm talking about if you're deliberate if you find being funny and cock blocking that's just being a dick man there's no there's no banter in it it's the 11th commandment oh shall i cock block there just wasn't a room on the tablet do you know what they do to cock blocks in prison cock block them all right let's get out

of Muggle Corner thanks for that car by the way thanks for explaining that my mum and dad listen to this podcast whenever I'm on it that's the fucking

nicest thing yeah cheers just whenever you're on it eh is that right glory seekers yeah they don't fuck Daniels

I can't believe you've brought that up on the podcast well you're the one that keeps bringing it back up I said let's move on to Muggles Corner Muggles haven't had sex in four months five months or the lifespan

of three bumblebees I don't know I'm looking forward to the facts though on Twitter do you know what would be funny if no one tweets any just listen to my mum my dad and Natalie I'm looking forward to the facts, though, on Twitter. Do you know what would be funny? If no one tweets any. Just listen to my mum, my dad and Natalie. Listen, that's including mum, dad and Natalie. It wouldn't be funny if there was no tweets.

Three each. All right, so we're just going to do two Muggle Corners. My first one is... This is only because we've had a conversation about it, so let's have this twice. Muggles make a big deal out of their tea or coffee not being a specific way no no they don't because you deliberately fuck up to your coffee you don't even deliberately fuck up to your coffees you ask someone what they want and you go how do you take it and they explain it to you and then you go out of your way to make it a different way hand it to them and then they're expecting a drink that they want

they go oh wait this has got a load of sugar and milk in it. And you go, oh, all right, fucking queen of Sheba. Oh, sorry, I can't. Sorry. Do you want me to come round and fluff your pillow for you as well and do the washing up? No, I just, you're offering to make me a cup of tea. Do you know what that is? That's you saying your way of making tea and your way that you like your tea is far superior. Well, not really.

To the way other people like their teas. Do you make your own wrong as well? Do you just surprise yourself every time? Two reasons why that argument is invalid, right? Because one, I don't make it the way I have my cup of tea. Two, I don't have a specific way of having a cup of tea. I will decide on each cuppa what I'm going to have. So you have a mystery tea

and the other person has to join in this. Right, just now I've just had milk has to join in. Oh, like, right, just now, I've just had milk and no sugar and me coffee, right?

Earlier on today, I had a black one, right? And today, probably, I'm going to have a cup of tea with two sugars in it.

Like, I just, don't change. You don't need to fucking solidify what you want. You really need to get back on the session again.

Oh, it muggles with that fucking, I've just put a little, A4 bit of paper up by the cupboard with everybody, what they have and how they have

that cup of tea. You can just look. If it's got one sugar in it instead of two, you're still going to be alright. Deal with it. Yeah, I'm going to be fine. Don't offer to make something.

And the reason you bring this up is because, like, three podcasts ago... Oh, I love the fire it causes, man. It's like the firework. It wasn't even a firework. You asked me and Daniel what we wanted. We then said it, and you got both of them wrong.

And now you're trying to own it. It's just more of the fact that you're shit at making, you're shit at following simple instructions. You can't even turn up to the right house on a Saturday night. Is that because you just decide, oh, I'm going to surprise myself with what house I'm going to live in today? Guilty, Your Honour. Guilty.

You don't need to fight that corner anymore. I did accidentally make this the wrong cut, man. But the fireworks that ensues, what a discovery. Oh, man.

This is too sweet. Milk! Milk! Oh, hand someone, anyone, a cup of tea that isn't

to their specification and just smile while they become the most angry muggle. Oh Hand someone Anyone A cup of tea That isn't their Specification And just Smell while they Become the most Angry muggle Here's my point Here's my point

Say you turn on Your PS4 And you're like Man I'm really Looking forward to Playing FIFA tonight And there isn't FIFA in there

There's Horizon Zero Dawn That's a complete Different fucking drink That's Right But That's what I'm fucking drink. That's right, but that's what I'm saying.

You turn it on, and there's something, you were expecting one thing but you get another, and it destroys what you wanted. So Horizon Zero Dawn and FIFA, that's a completely different drink, right? That's a fucking, that's a spinach smoothie in tea, right?

I'd rather it be a spinach smoothie. Whenever you come in, and you play a fucking Pro Evo, right? That's tea and coffee, right? You prefer fucking Pro Evo than FIFA, you prefer FIFA than fucking pro-evo, right? That's tea and coffee, right? You prefer fucking pro-evo than FIFA. You prefer FIFA than pro-evo. Whatever, right? It's the same drink, different species, right?

Right. And then... I'm talking so much shit. And then what'll happen is you'll log on to FIFA. There's your cup of tea. There's your variance of cup of tea, right? And then you'll find out that fucking X has passed and you prefer it when fucking circles pass, right?

Because you're a monster. And then all your days out that fucking X is passing. You prefer it when fucking circles pass, right? Because you're a monster. In an alley of days, you just fucking make a change, make a specific change. Or just live with it. You have to change their lives accordingly. Or just live with it, right? Or just live with it.

Different fucking God. Well, this is, this is, I'm trying to pass it, but I'm crossing it. That is a better point. You never see anger. Like when someone's like two minutes into a game of FIFA and they go, it's the wrong fucking buttons, isn't it? You cheating cunt.

And then they go and change it. That's why you were beating us, you fucking... But you're wrong. You're wrong. Right, well, I'll put it in a more good corner then. You can't just decide that you're going you're wrong and right we'll not put it in Muggle Corner then you can't just decide that you're gonna ruin people just like

having it a certain way and let them have it a certain way ruin it you do ruin it oh man I just watched fucking Empire of the Sun

last night you know the prisoner of war movie in China with er Christine Bale's the kid oh right are you gonna compare

yourself to them no no just like when you watch shit like that and then you watch someone complain about

the sugar on the tea just watch the parody of privilege but why yeah but fuck it man

I'm privileged so what let me enjoy it every now and then what am I meant to sit there feeling

guilty every day about it I do feel bad I feel bad that my cup of tea's not being made the way I like it do you know what I mean the fact that I feel bad that my cup of tea's not being made the way I like it.

Do you know what I mean? The fact that I made it for you, too. What a driver. You could have made it. You're halfway there. Just do it right. I just love that. Why do you have to just make it a little bit like,

oh, I really enjoy this. Oh, not quite. That's what you're doing. Oh, this is really nice. Oh, not quite. Do you know what I mean? That's what it is. I do know what you mean. You're right. You do know what you mean you're right so you're not gonna let that in i'm not gonna let that in i'm gonna counter it muggles deliberately fuck up people's drink orders legend corner um

right okay for my muggle corner and i'll need to explain a bit on this muggles chat shit on the internet when they haven't got any pictures of themselves up. Oh, so you control them back with their appearance. Now, don't get me wrong. I ain't had sex in five months. I'm going to take it. I ain't the best looking of people out there. But I work with it.

Do you know what I mean? But if someone's giving you grief for that with an egg avatar... Yeah. If you want to send me abusive tweets on Twitter, like, I can live with it. Do you know what I mean? Don't you all do it like you've done before?

But it's kind of funny. Also, if anyone wants to have sex with Elliot... Hit me up on Twitter. Hit him up on Twitter. It has to be. You have to do, like we said in the last podcast, you have to do a full stop and then my app name. And show everybody.

Let everyone know you're hitting them up. Yeah, I was looking for a thing yesterday like just on a there was someone who put up a boxing video and it sort of went around a little bit

and I was just watching it and it was good and the first comment was immediately someone oh this guy has not got any speed or power I would like to see it

in a real fight and I thought okay first of all it's a training exercise or whatever second of all I went through this person's profile

and there was no pictures of them up and I was like, yeah, you see, you're just commenting. You're just reflecting on like, oh,

fuck this person trying to do something. Yeah. But hiding your own shit identity. Hiding your own. Yeah. You're in a glass house throwing stones, but like you're fucking. Yeah.

And it just annoys me. It just annoys me that people start going for people's, if you're going to go for people's looks by now look i don't know it might not be the nicest thing to do but i can take it i'll be able to deal with it but you need to have a picture of yourself up yeah for me to be able to go back at you you need to make it a level playing field and not not just pictures of you yeah you can't you can't just be there in good light with your instagram filters There needs to be a couple of tagged photos as well, so we know what we're dealing with here.

And then it's fair. Well, I think we've put it in Muggle Corner before when people have their car as their profile photo or their kids as their profile photo, right? That's it, mate. I'm sometimes like being added as a friend of someone. Wait, calling me big-nosed? You look like a Honda Civic.

It's even fucking better if they're shit kids they're ugly kids I've just started watching that last what's it called it's got fucking in the title it's on Netflix

End of the fucking world have you seen it I've not seen it there's just one bit this ain't a spoiler for the plot right but it is a spoiler for a joke

that happens in it right it's a fucking close a joke that happens in it right it's a fucking close your ears now close your ears shut the eyelids on you yes looks at it

the bloke shows the picture of his family his wife and his kids right and the baby's there and she starts

fucking slagging off what the baby looked like and his face kind of looks like a ham the bloke's fucking furious oh what a beauty like fucking slagging off something like if someone gives you a trulsy and he looks like a ham. The bloke's fucking furious. He's like, oh, what a beauty. He's fucking slagging off something.

If someone gives you a trollsy in your face, you can find pictures of their kids. Their fucking shit DNA. Their raw DNA that they've fucking put out into the world. Just fucking jock on that. You know there's blokes out there who'd see you post that and then so if you went for their car would be

more offended what do you mean about the suspension it's fine what are they hubcaps hubcaps spinners yeah I think

when people just go on the internet and just it's quite a broad muggle corner but if you're going to go on and you're going to

if you're trolling and hiding like if you're trolling you're a muggle anyway yeah but look I enjoy I love looking fruit there's some great trolls out there and if you're going to do it and you're going to do it properly go you know i'm on twitter and stuff people have gone for me a little bit before it's kind of funny i like being roasted

as long as it's funny it's got it's got to be funny it can't just be like oh fuck you you dickhead you know that's not that's not very creative. But if you're going to do it, you need to have something up that I can go back on because otherwise, like I said, it needs to be that level playing field. I think that's the most debatable. This is the most involved in a debate I've ever got on this podcast

that it's about cunting people's looks off. You want as much material as you can for ammunition but just I'm going to backtrack a little bit is when I'm making

cups of tea for people and coffee for people oh for fuck's sake I'm not making shit ones I make the best version of that one right

because something just came to mind before is when we were in Ibiza you know the day before you arrived me and Sloss and

Gareth went out early and hung out with Barry right yeah and Barry was already there yeah he asked who wanted a cup of tea I'm surprised you turned up

with your own mates that night yeah he can't do he wants a cup of tea and he brought us a fucking cup of tea full cup of tea and I got it

and I could fucking see the bottom of the cup it was like it was like this pasty. He had arguably made it to my specification, right? That day, I'd asked for milk and warm sugar. I'd asked for milk all the way to the fucking bottom of the glass, and the tea bag, and the hot water. This sounds like more a you and Barry problem

than more a me and you problem. What I'm saying is, I was rightly offended by his cup. I mean, I wasn't angry as you were. I was just like, Barry, thanks for the cup of tea, right? But I'm never asking you to make this one again. I poured it out to my mother.

I wouldn't have said it on the podcast. I'm not angry about the cup of tea. I'm angry that you've tried to justify your shit behaviour on a podcast thinking that I was going to back down easily because you'd ruined a tea and then thought you could double down on it.

That's why I'm angry. I'm not angry at you really. I love you. I just like having two cups of tea. Get an extra cup of tea out of it, don't I? Sorry, so

your your your your your your your your

your your your your your your your your

your your your your your your your your

your your your your your your your your

your your your your your your your your

your your your your your your your your

your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your you love us fucking hell he hasn't had sex in

why are we back on this 51 weeks what are you doing 51 weeks that's nearly a year that's been a year 25 weeks is that what you're on

25 weeks right I'm not in it in this conversation your muggle corner was people that hide their identity on Facebook. How dare you bring that up

as a way to excuse your behaviour about tea? That's really low of you, you know that? To go back and be like, oh, you haven't had sex in ages, I wonder you're so

fucking pickety about your tea. Look how angry you are. Is there anything you can get in your life All I was was one sugar. Fucking hell, sends you hyper.

I wish I'd listened. So do I. I've killed three diabetic people. If I'm not listening to that. Just trying to be a smart arse. Trying to double down on me shit. Sends someone into a diabetic coma. Fucking rummaging through

fucking drawers for insulin. Right, so. Margo's chat shit on the internet when they haven't got any pictures of themselves and uh i've got this this is um because it happened in natalie uh yesterday muggles are scared of spiders in england um okay i'm in the corner right because this is what happened right we uh we cleared some old old garden furniture off the balcony because we've got a balcony with you now right house of the balcony in london whatever it's hers not mine she's doing really well i'm not so we cleared some garden furniture out from the balcony and

it had some little tiny spiders on it that ended up in the house so since like for a few hours i followed that every now and again i'd find like a tiny little like money spider on my arm but every time I did like Natalie was just like fucking putting distance between herself

and the spider well it's like crawling across my arm and shit in fact later on that day she had the hiccups like that evening

she had the hiccups so you put a spider in her tea I pretended to have a spider and I was like putting one hand under the other

as if it was scuttling from one hand to the next and I was like oh look at this spider she fucking ran off into the bathroom still had hiccups

it's a legitimate fear but what was that spider going to do why is he a reaction it's a it's a subconscious sort of

thing you you make a like look man spiders look like they're made of nightmares and broken dreams you know what I'm saying I don't know what you're saying nightmares broken dreams see I've changed it from do you nightmares and broken dreams. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what you're saying.

Nightmares, broken dreams. See, I've changed it from do you know what I mean now to do you know what I'm saying. Changing it up. Yes, spiders, they're not nice to look at. They move creepy. They've got fangs. They've got venom. You're just taught from a young age that that shit's dangerous.

Might we kill it then? Oh, I do. I fuck them up all the time I am my kill to death ratio on spiders like I'm in the pluses

you know what I mean 10 to 1 you know what I mean I got brought back I got brought back that time CPR Damon

that's why I'm worried that if I ever go to Australia there's just I'm going to arrive at the airport and there's going to be a few spiders waiting there for me.

I think you're hard fighting our little brothers, do you? Because you went in Australia. Did you see any massive ones? Yes, there's the thing. In Australia, I've got a healthy fear. I'd say more of a respect for the spiders in Australia. In the UK, spiders could be fucking hard. I could push, tuck a trail, that shit.

Crawl over others. The thing is, it's kind of uncomfortable. It's a little bit itchy. So you don't want it on you. Like, I'll still flick it away, right? But I can deal with it, because I know I'm going to be fine. I'm not going to the hospital. When you see the fucking spiders in Africa and Australia,

that can turn you inside out. Yeah, it's fucking bad, man. Poison, all of a sudden, your fucking... Your throat starts coming out of your mouth, or whatever the fuck happens. And you're like, I don't want any of that noise so I would go for a run by the river

and there was these two trees that had the fucking spider web that would catch a pterodactyl between the two of the trees right and I was like well I'm not going to run

through those trees yeah like I'm going to stay on this side of the footpath right I don't want to be because this is my fit do you know

you haven't noticed but in sort in South London and London all over in the last 20 years, parakeets and stuff have come like, which are a tropical bird, have come in the summer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Showing off my knowledge. Knowledge bombs. Parakeets are tropical birds. Ladies. Bet you didn't know that. Tropical birds. Bit of knowledge.

And that's because... Not because they migrated here people would get them as pets and then the pet it would escape and a breed so that now they now reside around here that's going to start happening with spiders because there's fucking morons out there i wouldn't say muggles are afraid of spiders right i'd say muggles buy spiders as pets if you're one of these idiots who has a tarantula as a pet, you're a moron. Get a cat.

Who do you think you are? Who do you think you are getting a spider? What are you going to do with a spider? You can't teach it a trick. I bet they've got skull tattoos as well. Oh, and they drive a van. And they have pictures of their van on Facebook as well and they leave comments on the boxing videos slagging people off.

If you have a spider as a pet or a scorpion I'll allow a snake. Snake's cool as fuck. I mean, nah, you've got to stick to your fucking reasoning. You've got to stick to your reasoning. My stepsisters had a lizard and till the day I... As a brother.

Listen, Kai. If you want me on this podcast again, you've got to be a bit nicer come in here you're just abusing me all day is there any other secrets of mine you want to bring up then I'll say

we made a little bit of a say it's got a snake it's got a snake had a snake it's got one right and he lost it for like a month right

he's coming back home from work his fucking thing's empty and he's a snake and then a month later Alice has knocked on the door and his neighbour was like

do you have a snake you've got a pet snake he's like it's in my pillowcase it was in his pillowcase in his bed we fucking made snake had fucking

made it to your next door and fucking made it so comfy in the fucking dude's bed that's some horrifying shit like yeah but that's

what I'm saying about these pits like you get a cat and a cat turns up in your neighbour's house so what it just probably wants a bit of food

but a cat ain't gonna eat you a spider will though yeah Natalie hi Natalie we're just talking about you being afraid of spiders does that make you a muggle or not

in England being afraid of spiders in England because you a muggle or not in England being afraid of spiders in England because they can't do any harm you're a muggle aren't you are you thinking through it logically why are you in my bedroom floor

just because I think the dishwasher was on or something fridge noises champagne's in the fridge I think she's a muggle no not at all I would say the only way I think she's a muggle. No, not at all.

I would say the only way I'd allow this in is muggles get them as pets. Okay. You're trying to be cool with the alternative. That's a different muggle corner. I'm trying to say you're dangerous. Yeah, that's... All right, I'll allow it in. I'll allow it in because I'll put myself in there as well.

So if you're jumping away from harmless creatures... I don't jump away from them, but I could do... Oh, my God, that scared the hell out of me while we're doing this conversation. Natalie just came behind me and grabbed me and... He just kissed my alien. He's getting all giggly. Look, he hasn't had sex in so long. He's been really horrible to me, this podcast,

Natalie. No. He's coming to me with my alien. Oh, sorry. He's like Kylo Ren. You've got to watch out. He's got emotions, but he's got a dark side. He does look like Kylo Ren. All right, yeah. Muggles, muggles keep. Are you just being kind about letting muggles?

Nah, nah, muggles, yeah. Because both of them have got to agree with it. I'll put it in because people do overreact to it, and I myself probably have overreacted. So, right, let's see this. If you overreact to spiders, if you overreact to it and i myself probably have overreacted so right let's see this if you overreact to spaders if you overreact bad cups of tea okay you're not right you're not you're here you can over you can't overreact to spaders you can't overreact to bad tea no we're not bad tea i'm gonna say it's not a bad cup of tea it's just the wrong one you're not i'm like a cup of tea i'm one of the best please stop talking about this cup of tea

but is it not in my corner to overreact i'm actually more offended about this tea conversation about you bringing up my lack of sex on this podcast i went off the tour later there you guys don't understand this is now the conversation for over dinner now that's gonna go on for hours with him uh my one was muggles chat shit on the internet i haven't done my second one oh shit sorry mate oh yeah we've got time too

it's fine okay I don't Muggles shared David Avocado Wolf on Facebook you're gonna have to explain who it is right so there's this page

David Avocado Wolf and it'll share a lot of pseudoscience stuff what like flat earth stuff yeah all of that stuff

but it'll actually set share as well as that in amongst it it will share those inspirational quotes muddy the waters a bit yeah so people go yeah and if you're sharing that stuff without looking out and the reason i say this is because god bless him what it was a lad i know was trying to tell me the other day to watch a documentary on a flat earth that he'd sort of found from this page or something and i i was just i mean look i'm not smart in it i'm not going to sit here and lie and say i am but even i know that the earth's not flat yeah but i'd like to watch that video just to see how they're convincing people and how they're convincing each other like obviously i'm not going to be swayed. Like, no matter what's in that video.

Right? What if they're like, people who are flat earthers actually enjoy many varieties of tea? And they're like, look at them flat earth morons fucking aunt muggles. Right, so, if the fucking ghost of Carl Sagan was given a lecture on Flat Earth, right,

I still wouldn't be convinced. Who's Carl Sagan? He done the original Cosmos series. He was the Neil deGrasse Tyson of yesteryear. Oh, okay. Or maybe he's more like the Brian Cox. All right, sweet, cool. So, when he was, if he come on with Flat Earth, like, I mean, I trust you and I respect you

and all that, but you're fucking getting a little bit... You've been a little bit fucking bonkers since you died. I'd pass on it. So you could watch that video. It's not like you're like, oh, I'm going to get convinced. If I read the Bible, I wouldn't instantly just go, no, there is a God.

No, but you've got to remember that this guy's seen as... He's got himself to the position where he's seen as a public figure just because he's sharing stuff on Facebook. This guy thinks chocolate has some energy thing to do with the sun like we're talking that level of the pseudoscience world well like what does he think like oh i don't know that like you buy a fucking cabri cream egg and that for some reason is the same as the sun you know well is that like everything every every atom come from the center of the sun which it is well made and well made from stars like yeah and that's just it if

you if you buy this necklace you're the same as this volcano yeah it is well made from stars if you buy this necklace you're the same as this volcano yeah but it's the same as if you pick up a bit of shit off the floor

right like the same logic applies to a bit of dog muck white dog poo in Poland Poland still has white dog poo

you wouldn't even remember white dog poo but Poland it's like a step back into the 80s yes Muggle Corner if you share

pseudoscience and inspirational quotes like you know what I sometimes like them but I find do you find this

and this is a sometimes the quotes are nice but this I want to just a quick muggle corner throw in there that will make Daniel happy martial arts

it's for muggles me and you when we go in there doing that whole like when you read a sign and it says now I'm talking about theles me and you when we go in there doing that whole like when you read a sign and it says refuse it now i'm talking about the level me and you do it not to the people who can fuck us up who are like really good at it all the pros and stuff and make a career out of it i don't know i think you're a martial arts muggle i'm not though i think i am i think we've got different approaches to martial arts yeah i'll definitely

yeah i think like this is the thing with uh like for with sloss for instance like he probably isn't even aware that i've fucking been this month unless he listened last podcast but the reason i tell sloss yet he can't not know you fucking dm him oh yeah i sent him voice notes about how my training has been going because i know it annoys him and i had a great session as well today danny if you're listening it was it was wonderful i'll text you about it later yeah i lit him up like a christmas tree i'm actually covering bruises off you as well today Danny if you're listening it was wonderful I'll text you about it later yeah I lit him up like a Christmas tree I'm actually covering bruises off you as well

so it was a good session but yes so Muggle Corners both of yours got in one of mine got in read those out Muggles chat shit on the internet

when they haven't got any pictures of themselves Muggles share David Avocado Wolf I'll burn that to any sort of pseudo science thing right

Muggles jump out their skin when there's a little fucking daddy long legs or whatever. And you're fine. Have your tea how you want. You're not a muggle. Just start kicking off at everyone. Just throw the cup at them.

You're fine. You're not a muggle at all. Actually, just a really level human being. You shouldn't go into therapy. But enough about tea drinkers. So now about your dad, who hates tea. Your dad pulls his pants all the way down to his ankles

to take a piss, but he only unzips his fly when he has a shit. Wait, I think you might have done this one. Your dad goes to AA meetings just so he can hear some decent stories.

I don't think I'll have it. That's decent stories your dad's a guide human for a blind dog your dad sold one of his kidneys so he could buy more fifa points i'm fucking here that in computer games buying points for shit that's muggly let's bookmark that your dad signed up for uniform dating in his school photos, his avatar. At least it's him.

Your dad dick slaps your cat. Your dad got through an entire packet of biscuits without using his hands. Just launching him off his without using his hands. Just launching him off his stomach into his mouth. Your dad suddenly decided

he was gay for Keith his long time office co-worker. After this very brave decision he asked me from now on to say your dads. My dads. Right, your dads.

It'll be me that's saying it. Oh no, it's my dad. Oh shit. I didn't say that, it's my dad. Oh, shit. I didn't say that, my own dad. Your dad, oh, man. Your dad asks for gherkins in his McFlurry. Your dad got Columbus Day and Columbine mixed up. Which one, Keith or Kev?

Oh, fuck. Read it again. Your dad got Columbus Day and Columbine mixed up. Both of them up both of them both of them did your dad wears his palace top to the theatre and tries to get a chance going

your dad isn't listening because he only likes it when Sloss is on that's a soft slam I took both of us down he took us both down and on that note that's it

we've cut the short of it dad jokes because we're running out of time because we're having champagne with Tom and then Kirstie

and Natalie and you're going to fifth wheel it you are damn right you're fifth wheeling yeah by the way I'm on roast battles

tomorrow if anyone wants me to actually roast and say some stuff so this goes out Thursday oh shit yeah this goes out Thursday oh shit yeah this goes out Thursday

so you are on tomorrow no no no I'm on on Friday sorry I was doing it right yeah you were doing it right oh cool so this goes out Thursday Elliot's on roasting his dad

tomorrow 10pm yeah on Comedy Central yeah and then it'll be on Catch Up on Comedy Central any time after that

if you want to watch it on Catch Up just to get an idea of it Cream himself Daniel Sloss was on last night so if you go on Comedy Central Catch-Up on Now TV, you can watch Daniel Sloss against Desiree Burch. And he's Conan's out as well.

He's new Conan's out. Enough about him. Sloss is Conan's out. The reason he's on the podcast is because he's on fucking TV everywhere. He's too big for the podcast now. Team Muggins, hashtag. There's a new cream in town

damn right yeah double cream not in my tea though you can catch me in Liverpool this weekend I'm going to be on the

slaughterhouse with the laughter house which is at the venue called slaughterhouse and I'm going to be on there on Friday and Saturday with a

fantastic lineup it always is I haven't checked yet but it's always meant there and can any live stuff coming up? Yeah, next week I'm going to be... Where am I next week?

I'm somewhere next... Oh, yeah, I'm all over the place. I'm in the bath and stuff. You're in the bath? You're in the bath. But I'll also be doing a weekend at the stand in Edinburgh with G-Tip. Yeah, start of Feb.

I'm going to be up in that neck of the woods as well. We're going to get you back on the drink. Is that right? We're going to get you back on the drink and then right yeah we're going to get you back on the drink and then do a podcast for you and Gareth aww let's do it

let's do it mate out