Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.21 The Bassoon Baboon

Episode Date: January 22, 2018

One Year after attending Trump's inaugerution on a man date, Cream is joined by his old friend Eric Lampaert who regales us with tales of his short (wood) winded Bassoon career. Join this couple of little devils Podcasting out of The City of Angels.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Hello, it's the voice you haven't heard in fucking ages. It's me, Cream, Daniel Sloss. Television's Daniel Sloss. Radio's Daniel Sloss. Xbox is Daniel Sloss. I'm back. I'm fucking doing a podcast. Yeah, here we go.

I've got a special guest. I'm not doing this alone because you can tell 20 seconds in. Not got much to say. It's my good old friend, Eric Lampere. Hello. It's our year anniversary. It is our year anniversary. That was the first thing I was going to bring up. It was exactly a year ago that you were on this podcast and that we went to fucking Trump's inauguration. And what a year it's been.

It's been going, you know what, we've been doing a lot better than him, I'd say. I think so. If you fancy a little bit of satire. I reckon he's had a real tough year. Oh, he's struggling, you know. He's not having a good time. He's really struggling. But is he not? Because he's just, he's mental. He's actually, I don't care what that fucking doctor said, he's clinically fucking insane. Well, agree to disagree.

I think he's a very stable genius. Oh, okay. What other words do you want to bring up? I think on the podcast last time we forgot to give you a nickname. Everyone on the podcast has to have a nickname. Oh, yeah. Kai is Muggins. I'm Cream.

Nick Cody is Crusher. Gareth Ward is G-Tip. Elliot Steele is a fucking horse. I'm surprised I didn't get that one. I know. Oh, wow. Did you have a nickname in high school? Because I imagine you were bullied very much.

Yeah, one of them was, Oi, you! That was one of the nicknames. Yeah. I imagine in childhood you were bullied a bit. Oh, no. Any horrible names that stick out? Or did you ever try to counterbalance it,

like Nick Cody did, by giving himself a cool, air quotes, nickname? No, because I never stayed too long in one school. I was always out and about, so I never was friends enough with anyone. Proper school slut you were back in the day. You what? Proper school slut.

I went in so many schools, in, out, different languages, different countries. There's years behind me now. I might tell you tomorrow to stay stable. No, they once called me Bassoon Baboon.

Bassoon Baboon? Yeah. Why? Because I've got big gums, right? It's the instrument I played at school. No, you didn't.

We've had a guy with a while in a rap career. This is way sad. Oh, mate, at that point, I'm sorry to go all men's rights activist, right? But you were asking to be bullied at that point. Fucking turning up with your wood trumpet. It's actually not a trumpet. It's a woodwind instrument, thank you.

Is it like that fucking long wooden oboe thing? It's a big fucking... It's a woodwind instrument. Thank you. Wait, is it like that fucking Longwood Noble thing? It's a big fucking It's too big, right? You must have picked that. That wasn't on the fucking curriculum. No, I didn't pick it. So what happened was They wouldn't give it to the It's just lying, gathering dust in an attic and they're like, hey, what the fuck

Make fun of me all you like but the holes on a bassoon are actually so far apart that you need quite big hands for it. So, ladies. So Donald Trump couldn't play the bassoon. Oh, no, he'd be terrible. That's why he does the flute, famously.

It's what he does to relax himself. Isn't the flute the sideways one? That's a flute, yeah. I meant, like, you know the little flutes that... Oh, just a thing. The ones that you get in candy yeah the shit

whistle pops until we know how he does his career grooves in heart I reckon that's something proper

to get him like if there's ever a meeting and he's just being annoying let's just fucking throw a lollipop at him

hey I would I am genuinely curious I would love to just follow him around for a day right they just fucking throw a lollipop at him. Hey! I am genuinely curious. I would love to just follow him around for a day, right, and just see how actually involved he is in things. Because part of me thinks and part of me hopes that he's not involved in anything. That they're just like, you know when you were younger, if your little brothers or whatever wanted to play Xbox with you,

you'd just give them a controller with no batteries in. Right. And then you play the game. I really hope that's how the government is handling Donald Trump. Just giving him forms to sign. But if that's the case, then it's like, that's even worse. It is worse because it means that it's, you know, the government is doing it.

I'd much rather it's him doing it. Would you, though? Would you if he was allowed to make all of his decisions? Because then we could just blame it all on him, right? Well, if it's the government, it's him doing it would you though would you if he was like to make all of his decisions because then we could just blame it all on him right well if it's the government it's scarier

maybe the Illuminati mate but they're everywhere they are oh man I love I in fact

I might put that in I might put it in Margot Corner but we'll get onto that in a bit but I'll remind myself conspiracy theorists are thoroughly

in the fucking corner. Oh, no! Yeah, all of them. No! No matter what the conspiracy gets. Oh, that's not... No, come on. Conspiracies are so enjoyable. I fucking hate them. Do you not find them funny as like, thought experiments and stuff? No, thought experiments

are for philosophy nerds. Well, actually, just so you know, I quite like a good old conspiracy. I'm upset when you just run to the corner and start playing your bassoon. Oh, mate, I was so bad at it, though. So the reason I played the bassoon was because the music teacher

thought I was someone different. And so they were like, oh, Eric, you're really good at music, right? And because I did theatre, I did drama, and I sometimes sing in Guys and Dolls and stuff, I assumed that that's what she meant when she actually thought I was someone else. She was like, oh, for GCSEs, you've got to do music.

I was like, okay. And so I went to see her. I was like, well, I don't play an instrument. She was like, oh, I thought you did. Well, we need a bassoon player for the orchestra. And I didn't know what a bassoon was. So I was like was i was like yeah all right yeah how old are you at this point i'm like 12 13 14 i can't remember what how old i was uh and and so i was like all right i'll learn the instrument and it's nonsense it's a stupid instrument you have to put it together like a sort of sniper it takes

fucking eight that's it does it come into a fucking brief yeah it'll see that's the best thing about it is you put it together and I felt fucking good everyone on the train thinks you're so fucking cool but deep down they don't know

what a fucking nerd you are they're like fucking hell he looks busy reporting he's probably a fucking hitman of some sort call me a nerd if you like

but I did not know how to play it right so like in the orchestra I was just the one in the background what kind of noise does it make is it just I did not know how to play it. So in the orchestra, I was just the one in the background. What kind of noise does it make?

Is it just... I don't know, sort of an elephant type of thing. Is that a noise it's meant to make, or the only one that you could make it make? I was not very good at that. And so I knew I could read music in terms of knowing when to hit a note, but I did not know those notes.

And so I basically played C every single time there was a note of mine to play luckily there was never a bassoon solo so I so I yeah

so Bassoon Baboon was my nickname can we not have that for my nickname? It might actually come up with another it's not up to me it's up to the podcast

listeners if they start calling you it's fucking set in the world like me and Kai literally on the first episode I called him Markins and we called Big Ream and then that if they start calling you it's fucking set in the world like me and Kai literally on the first episode I called him Muckins

and we called him Cream and then that just fucking stuck what about danger what about like danger danger danger Eric yeah

I mean you can have danger but I reckon it's gonna backfire pretty fucking quickly danger danger Eric alright

see I was never musical right but closest ever was in like primary fucking six or seven they got four

of the outstanding kids and I was obviously one of them because my school was very small and in five so and they were like

you can either learn to play the double bass or the piano two people can learn piano two people can learn double bass oh they gave you great choices and I went

I'll go piano because my mum has a piano at home so I'll be able to practice that makes sense nobody else in the fucking group

had a piano at home but the two girls were like we want to play piano and they were like okay well they play first I'm like the fuck are you talking about right

I don't mind I'm a fucking what am I going to fucking practice and then every fucking Monday I had to go to school an extra

half hour early for this fucking lesson I didn't want to do I used to fake being sick like nothing else I became a real

real expert in how to fake illness oh yeah oh yeah here's a fucking sense give me an example

so when World of Warcraft came out right wow yeah I'm the nerd fuck when world of warcraft came out right wow yeah i'm the nerd fuck you when the expansion pack uh came out right we made my friends we're all gonna go into a new server and i didn't want to go in school that week so properly if no one listens to this

she's gonna be fucking furious uh i learned the perfect way to make it look like sick right you get apple right you get green apple just chew that up in your mouth get a bit of yogurt throw that in there right so you might chew it much you can get and just chew that up in your mouth get a bit of yoghurt throw that in there right just chew it as much as you can get and just but don't let it

don't puff out his cheeks right just go down because it's quite nice it's just apple the texture's gross go downstairs just keep it in your mouth

for like 15 minutes because if you just walk into the room and you throw it they'll be like you obviously faked that what they don't expect is an idiot to sit down

for 45 minutes and what I like is that it takes a lot of preparation. You should just go to school. Like, that whole time you're preparing the yogurt and the apple, you can just go to school and be done with it. No, but then I can do a world of work. I could actually just come down and sit there,

and I'd be like, doing the floor, not the carpet, not math, man. And then I'd be like, well, you're going to school tomorrow. I'd be like, oh, darn. Yeah, that's good. I mean, do you think your parents knew? No, not, darn. It's, yeah, that's good. I mean, do you think your parents knew? No, not a chance. Not a chance. Your two very smart parents.

Yeah, no idea. Oh, yeah, because the alternative is they didn't give a shit, and that's just what I'm saying. The alternative is they were like, dickhead's got a little apple again, doesn't want to go to school this week. We've lost hope in them anyway, fuck minute we fucking well I guess we'll never know about your parents

it's a conspiracy oh right let's get fucking let's go straight to it I love a conspiracy right but but

just for fun right and some of them aren't fun like the Sandy Hook one for example is just unnecessarily sad just the Flat Earth one not fucking infuriating

it infuriates me right i met one and i was so angry yeah because like i that's how they all made me feel he so he he saw me after it was a gig and he came up to me he was like oh it was really fun oh thanks man he was like you should do some more political stuff like i'd love to hear about that i was like what if i'm honest like i'd like to just talk about stuff that doesn't necessarily split the audience not all the time and uh politics does you know in other topics, he's like, oh, but you'd be good at it, and I was like, well, yeah, but, like, it just angers people, like, for example, flat earthers, and then he got quiet, all his friends started laughing, and I was like, oh, don't fucking tell

me you're one, and he was like, well, yeah, actually, and I went, oh, and then I was, and then everyone was laughing, and then, because I was struggling to just keep the anger, and I was like, it doesn't make any, and then I was explaining to him all the sort of science behind it,

and the fact that Aristophanes, back in fucking 60-something AD, worked out that the Earth was a fucking globe, and I was, with a stick and some sunlight, that's actually, that's not 60 AD,

that's even further, right, ancient Egypt, what am I talking about, but like, um, no, it's the one that, uh, had a Ancient Egypt. What am I talking about? But like, no, it's the one that had a totem pole,

like a big pole in Alexandria and one in Cairo. And he worked out that at noon, when the sun was highest, there was a shadow in one of the cities but not in the other.

So he worked out there was like a sort of, you know, an arc between the two points. And so I was telling him all that and he was like, no, no, no. And then he was telling me

all his facts. And I was like, why do you think that a government was like, no, no, no. And then he was telling me all his facts. And I was like, why do you think that a government would be lying about, like, what's the reason? And he said, oh, it's a conspiracy

so globe companies can keep making money selling their products. And I was like, as if they wouldn't just go to maps. All maps are flat. How dumb do you think these companies are? But not all dumb. How much money do you think these companies are how much money do you think

that they're making as if they're the billionaires like they're making so much money and they're selling every day like there's a there's a real craving for people buying i buy at least three globes a year right i've toned it back a bit ridiculous but that fucking sweet like great multi-purpose there's not one where you open up a bunch of fucking drinks and say ladies love it you know ladies love it i you know some people ask me like i'm in a successful marriage and they say what's one of those yeah it's going very well actually thank you very much uh what is the secret to success in a marriage um sometimes you know surprise your wife with a nice globe a fresh globe i think you're gonna

say sex. I was like, definitely don't do that. Oh, not that. No, no, no. But, you know, there's nothing better than the smell of a new globe. Oh, yeah, of course. People talk about it's like a fresh blue. It's got nothing on a freshly painted globe.

It's unbelievable. I think I'm just getting high off the fumes. I often get new globe smell and spray all my old globes just to get it. Oh, yeah. But that's like, and that's why I like... It's like babies. It's like the first three weeks after a globe's made, I just sit there just really inhaling it.

I still love my old globes, but every new one just gives you that little... It reminds me of childhood, actually. Christmas morning, running downstairs, looking under the Christmas tree. Oh, what's that? Open it up, basketball furious, really disappointing. looking under the Christmas tree what's that? basketball furious really disappointing

and how else you know how else would one choose you know a holiday destination you know

I often I often end up going to the sea because I'm really really strict with that rule what I'll do is I'll spin the globe

I spend a lot of time swimming and a lot of time fighting sharks that's the only two things that a globe's good for, right, is choosing a destination. And people always cheat. You know, they'll spin it and they'll go there.

And then they'll go, oh, it's too expensive. And then just sort of like cheat it and just turn it over. Yeah, they'll just go, Iraq. Spin it again. Afghanistan. And it's always near the equator as well. They never want to like just stop at the top. Yeah, nobody's ever on that spinny thing. They're actually never going, oh, Antarctica. to like just stop at the top yeah nobody's ever on that spinning thing

accidentally going oh Antarctica why was your finger at the top but so like so that's that and then also like old men

that keep like booze in the globes but so that's it and so that's why I like conspiracies it's

I hated the man straight away I hated him with a passion but it made me laugh so much that in his world, in his universe, a globe company is

behind it. And that brings me joy. But do you not consider him a muggle? Oh, he's a total idiot. But is he a muggle is the question, because if he's a muggle... Your muggle thing was conspiracy theorists.

Yeah. Oh, okay, right. The thing about muggles, an update for anyone who doesn't know, is they're not necessarily bad people, right? You don't hate all muggles, right? They're not bad. They don't come from a bad place.

Just some parts of them are just a bit shit and a bit plain. It's always like, you know, muggles are people that sort of take personality traits from outside and add it to themselves, like they're a fucking nine-year-old store just putting personality across themselves. I mean, then, yeah,

that's going in Muggle Corner. Yeah, of course. Because, yeah, I was thinking conspiracies. Like, I enjoyed the world. No, no, conspiracy theorists. But then also, actually, you know what,

I said that they should go in because I hate them, but then they bring me joy. Yeah, some muggles bring me joy. Because of their stupidity. Yeah, yeah, but some m, I said that they should go in, because I hate them, but then they bring me joy, because of their stupidity. Yeah, but some muggles bring me joy, as well. Oh,

okay. So again, we're agreeing here, that they are muggles, because I, like, see the 9-11 conspiracy theory, my birthday's on September the 11th,

right? Yeah, good timing. Oh, man, honestly, three years, I asked for a fucking Xbox,

get nothing. One year, I asked for a fucking Xbox, get nothing. One year I asked for 9-11 to happen and it comes straight in. I feel so guilty. So every year from the age of fucking 12 onwards, all my birthday, all television was 9-11 documentaries. And then YouTube. No wonder you turned out this way. I know. So I just, yeah, yeah. It's a pain.

Every birthday it was just people jumping out real sad shit happy birthday is it is it just two cakes come out

yeah one smashed but then for some other reason a cake in the other room randomly catches fire and even though there's thorough explanations

people are like but it is interesting isn't it it's you know there's a explanations people are like but it is interesting isn't it it's you know cake hate but like so I watched a lot of current and spirit series

and one day I remember it so vividly I was about 13 or 14 I just watched all these fucking YouTube videos all dumb none backed up by fact but the internet said it

so it must be true and I came downstairs I went to my dad I was like dad 9-11 was an inside job and I fucking turned off the TV dragged me through the study, and he goes, I'm absolutely not allowing

you to have that fucking opinion. Tell me everything you think you learned and I'll disprove each and every single fucking one of them. And we sat there for an hour. I was like, what about this? He went, no, bollocks. But the conspiracy is that there was bombs planted. Oh, there's different levels of bombs planted.

It was a fucking hologram that it was a that you know it was a fucking hologram and it was an explosion and stuff I mean yeah all of that all of that is obviously nonsense

I think the 9-11 conspiracy theory the reason it upsets me so much is it because it's such an insult to the terrorists who worked so hard

yeah they worked really well the victims are the the families right the families of the victims well yeah no but like,

those people died, right? For sure. But some people were saying they didn't. Some people said, it's like that. Oh, yeah, but that's mad, right? Those people clearly died, but did the government, like, one thing that I'm interested in

is like, how much did the government know beforehand? Or, you know, that's the scary part, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, I guess. Because that's the intriguing part. You might have terrorist threats you fucking get. I mean, that was the scary part isn't it yeah because that's the intriguing part we'll never know terrorist threats

you fucking get that was the great line in Kingsman where he's a secret spy and stuff and on the wall

he's got all these obscure newspaper clippings but each one is just a very dull headline but it's related to a time that

you've got no idea how many times bad things have been prevented from happening right because we'll never just a very dull hit like what it's related to a time that you've got no idea it's the day they saved the world you've got no idea how many times bad things have been prevented from happening right because we'll never hear about them

and of course occasionally some stuff slips through I mean I'm not a fucking big fan of the government I just think it's just like really that was

like why did it have to be the terrorists like surely if they were going to crash two planes and kill that many people just fly into like a fucking poor neighbourhood kill a bunch of people you don't like as well like why is it so did it have to be the terrorists? Like, surely, if they were going to crash two planes and kill that many people, just fly into, like,

a fucking poor neighbourhood, kill a bunch of people you don't like as well. Like, why is it so specific? Well, wasn't it because... Why would the government do it to that building? But that's the thing.

Wasn't it one of the reasons because they just got a new insurance out on the buildings? So the owner of the building made loads of money out of it. So that's one of the things that conspiracy theorists are saying, is that they made loads of money out of it so that's one of the things that conspiracy theorists are saying is uh that they made loads of money from i mean it's a bit excessive it's excessive

but like but also like and this is one of the conspiracies i don't know too much about it but like it wasn't there like it just helped loads of things like loads of like like the buildings that got destroyed had you know sensitive information all of that all of a sudden disappeared um yeah as if they aren't all backed up on the fucking cloud stock market and all that nonsense i mean i don't really remember yeah i'm just i'm just either way i do think they need they need a hobby yeah when they have one it's always like that the the 11 truthers walk around being like seven million americans can't be wrong it's like 200 million of you are Christian

yeah like what are you fucking talking about I've also met enough Americans to go well I don't know there's a fucking lot

you'll be surprised yeah we're over in the States now and this is another interesting thing about America we both I love it here

I really do I think the fucking majority of the people are great the country is beautiful the gigs are phenomenal but I was talking about this earlier America is the fucking majority of the people are great the country is beautiful the gigs are phenomenal but I was talking about this a while ago

America is the only country in the world when you're talking about it the people are so proud that you have to every time I say any criticism of America I have to say

I love America first oh yeah you have to say it and not everyone of course not all Americans but the ones that get upset if I'm just there criticising America

as I do everywhere I go I'm a critical person right if I'm just there criticising Americans right as I do everywhere I go I'm a critical person right if I'm just if I don't say I love America and then do a joke about America some of the Americans are like the fuck this

it's America it's like no no I hate everything but you see me do it on stage as well I you've got to justify yourself I go hey just guys

I love your country but and you have to say it before every fucking joke they won't trust you once. Yeah. Right? But every time you mark the country,

you've got to say it. But you see why, though, right? So I've lived here for a year now, and they are so indoctrinated. Like, there's flags fucking everywhere. They, from school, like, at school, they had to, like, stand up, put your hand on their heart,

and sing the fucking national anthem and stuff. There's so much pride in the military. I can't remember what I was talking to this, but it might have been you, but it was like, if you see an American flag over here, you're just like, oh, patriot. If you see a British flag anywhere in the UK, you're like, oh, racist. Anytime I see a salt har flying in Scotland, I go, yes, but where? Anytime I see this in George's flag, I go you're a yes-boy right anytime I see this

in George's flag I'm like absolute football hooligan there's not a chance you haven't kicked someone's head yeah no here it's

Michael Bay films and yeah and just all the soul movies on one DVD it's the

extended edition 7 million Americans can't be wrong you voted in Trump? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You can't be wrong, you psychos. But I love your country, America.

Oh, yeah, we love it. But, like, it's just, I describe it as, like, Schrodinger's country. Like, you've got both the smartest and the dumbest people. Because you've got NASA. You've got NASA you've got NASA that is for me something that I just jizz over

almost weekly well no NASA is a conspiracy they're just going up there and photoshopping images of the flat earth to make it look round

oh sorry so they're not well they are smart well the moon landing was a conspiracy wasn't it oh that's another one I cannot fucking stand

right and the worst thing is, and this is how dumb I am sometimes, I love my dad. My dad's my hero. I love my dad. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I think my dad is the smartest man in the world.

But I know he's not, but I'm still like a... You know when you think your dad's the tallest person in the world? Yeah. You just grow out of that when you meet more people. I've not grown out of that yet. Oh, by the way,

you said the tallest man in the world, right? Yeah, yeah yeah yeah and I just remembered my dad's a jockey and I was like well yeah maybe you actually thought that

I honestly still think my dad's the smartest man in the world so sometimes I'll just inherit opinions he has right because he's got all the facts to back them up

I'll inherit the opinion with none of the facts I know my dad could argue someone into the fucking grave and prove the moon landings weren't fake right with passion and have all the facts and I can do it too with the fucking grave and prove the moon landings weren't fake, right? With passion

and other facts. And I could do it too with the same passion. None of the evidence. Yeah, but like... I'd be like, yeah, but the, you know, the screws on the thing...

I mean, it's a lot easier. It's a lot easier now. With an actual telescope, you can see the shit that's left on there. Yeah. Like, you can just see it. When I haven't seen it,

I've just seen pictures, so I believe but um yeah all right i mean would you ever go to space yeah yeah big time i'd go i'd go to like mars how many people do you reckon have had a wank in space well like probably all the astronauts do you reckon they all have well i would yeah oh i know we would right but you reckon there's one like they've all come back down a couple of months past they all go for an astronaut's catch up right

just sit around the fucking table talking about great the moon is or space whatever and they're all like oh man fucking tell you what I miss zero g

wanks zero g j's I really miss that oh I you would not because have you ever wanked in a bath you know when it comes out

well so I what are you you're wanking in a bath I treat myself sometimes how do you treat yourselfanked in a bath? You know when it comes out? Well, so I... What are you wanking in the bath? I treat myself sometimes. How do you treat yourself to bathing in your own cum? What's a fucking treat about that? I do it right at the end. And that's defeating the purpose of the whole bath.

A bath doesn't have to just be about washing. It could be about soothing, relaxing. Like stewing in your own jizz. At the end, I do that. That is fucking rad. I don't stew in it okay okay well the semen is also already inside of you there's no inside outside that's that might be my new nickname inside outside i don't stew in it but like you know when you jizz in in bath water it then sort of like

it's actually quite beautiful is it well it kind of is it's like a ballet but like, you know, when you jizz in bath water, it then sort of like, it's actually quite beautiful. Well, it kind of is. It's like a ballet of, you know, gross magma type of thing, just dancing around in the bath. It does get a bit Spider-Man-y. You know when you have a wank in the shower, if you get a bit

fucking trying to flick it off, you're like Spider-Man. Yeah, it's beautiful. And, you know, then you you sort of unplug the the bath water and then you can see I thought you were going to say toaster

not to your old friend and then you and then you see the jizz sort of spiral like in the hole it's a beautiful dance oh it's

no this is like that have you seen that Ben Falmer guy where the guy's looking at the plastic bag going around in a circle and he's just describing

how beautiful it is. Oh, it's American Beauty, yeah. Yeah, but then it cuts to God going, it's just a fucking bag! Bag! Have you any idea how complex

your inner organisms are? It's like that. It's not beautiful. You just did a floggle, didn't you? It's nothing. You just did this, the really seedy version of those things. No, no, no.

I'm going to... Okay. One, fuck you. Okay. Because you're actually rude and you're judging me. I am. But how do you wank? Oh, you just jizz in a sad fucking sock.

I found out that I wank weird. Do you? How do you wank? I do it on my knees. You get on your knees? I do it on my knees. I didn't know people lay down to wank. It Do you? How do you wank? I do it on my knees. You get on your knees? I do it on my knees. I didn't know people lay down to wank. It's just,

how do you get in the purchase? You get on your knees? Aye. I didn't know this was weird. Is that like, did you learn to wank in the church? No, exactly. The reason I learned to wank that way,

right, is because when I used to live with my parents, I was fucking, I was wanking all the time. My parents were very fit. But just, I was a teenager. Right.

And it's just, I hate my own cum I'm not touching my own cum it's real gross so I just get on my knees in front of the toilet and then when I'm ready I'm just sort of

sit up and then and it goes no touching oh wow that's how I wank in the shower I can't I'm just standing up

like a fucking weirdo that's you're weird going on a feast I must be but to me I don't know what I'm not having a wank like a bus stop. I've done a wank on the knees, but that's just like every now and then just to switch it up.

To yourself. But I've done all the positions, actually. I've got Kama Sutra for when you're on your own. Different types of wanking. A little bit of Kama Sutra. It's laminated. Yeah, Kamautra for one that would be a very funny book

if that's not out I reckon you know what we should we should just do it we've generally come up with a fucking stocking filler gift thing the one

the one that your auntie buys you when you're 16 because she thinks she can handle the fucking yeah yeah she's just like oh this is quirky oh okay

let's do one let's do it we'll do kamasutra for one for one if it doesn't exist honestly I reckon that's a real she can handle the fucking humor. She's just like, oh, this is quirky. Okay, let's do one. Let's do it. We'll do Kama Sutra. For one. For one. If it doesn't exist, honestly, I reckon that's a real pun.

We need, what, 20 pictures each coming with some funny pun names. Is this proof that this is ours now? It must be because we'll Google after this. Listeners,

please don't steal this. Yeah, don't. No, no. Hey, come on. Just at the end of this conversation, one of us just has to say TM. Oh, okay. There's a no, no, no. Hey, come on. Just at the end of this conversation, one of us just has to say TM. Oh, okay. There's a trademark, so we grant.

We'll just say it now. TM. TM for the Klamasutra for one. Thank you very much. TM. Property of... Dangle Sloss. Dangle Sloss and the Bassoon Baboon.

Inside, outside. Inside. Danger. Danger. Oh. Right. So, to get rid of so conspiracy theorists oh no it's wanking in space

that's where we were that's not muggle corner no no it's not no sorry but I was just getting back to the train and thought

they all come back and they're talking about how having a wanking space and there's one like did you all have a wanking space and they're like

of course we did he's like I fucking I didn't they're like oh man you messed course we did. He's like, I fucking, I didn't. They're like, oh man, you missed out.

Do you reckon you've got proper regret to this day begging NASA for another job going to space because you missed out? Oh, that would suck if you missed out. If you were the only one. Come on,

like, it doesn't matter how intelligent you are. You're going to wank in space. A guy. You're going to wank in space. You'll wank in space. You have to do it. Is it less fun for girls?

I mean, obviously the orgasm's more fun, but like but zero g like maybe like female orgasms last fucking ages so I'm told

but I don't think it would affect the actual orgasm no but like if you're literally fucking weightless right like all the fucking

endorphins going through you like if you're a girl right you're just probably frigging yourself rotten on Apollo 13 or whatever just probably looking at the Arthur and realising that

you're literally masturbating over everyone. It's the most all-inclusive wank that's ever happened, right? Then you cum on the serotonin and you're literally weightless. That must be mint. That must be a really nice feeling.

That's what going to space should be like. I'd pay 200,000 for that. No, no, I think you're right. That's one of the downfalls when I have a wank is I hate the fact that gravity's... Oh, it just keeps you grounded. I hate it.

It's one of the worst things about a wank is gravity. It's one of the reasons why I almost quit masturbating was just this bloody gravity. Yeah, I tried doing it on trampolines for a while. It's just not the same, is it? I guess in that respect, doing it in a bath is the closest you'll experience. Right.

You see yourself swimming around and then, you know, it disappears in the hole. Must be proper shit if you're a guy and you just misjudge it and it's...

I've had it in my mouth. Oh, have you? Yeah, accidentally. Like, I didn't mean to, but it was a proper spear.

Like, without cheers, it came out, like, so fast, I was really impressed the fucking exit wind was bigger

than the entry wind it was incredible just fucking Kurt Cobain'd yourself yeah and so like

it just sprayed all up me that's the downfall I guess of lying down is um yeah you know like

it went all up in me um there was only like a slight drop in my mouth um which was interesting

I was like oh that's what it tastes like. That was good. Was it good? Well, I mean, it's good that I know. It's good to know stuff.

It's good to know things. that's, so my grandma's always said, you know, if you stop learning, you'll die. She lives in the library. Died of loneliness,

actually. Dude, she's... So, my two grandmas are still alive and my great-grandma, she's turning 100 this year. Proper 100. That is amazing.

That's a dusty vag. Oh, it's... I don't know when last time she had any action. But I don't ask. I don't tend to ask when I see her. Apparently, geriatrics

fuck a lot. Like, apparently, old people's homes, like the good ones, it's just a fucking orgy non-stop. For real? Oh, yeah, because they've got STDs and stuff, right? They've got STDs, right? 90% of them are that.

I mean, that's a made-up statistic, but it sounds real, so that's enough. Good for them, though. Honestly, do you know how they find out? Do you know how they find out, right? Because, obviously, they still have to go in for... What's the vagicology thing called?

Gynecology. Vagicology. My parents are doctors. The gynecologist, one of the old folks home, he was doing gynecology on one of the old ladies, and a dentist in there. Wow. That's not true. That's not true.

Well, you say that's not true. That's not true. That's not true. Well, you say that's not true. That's believable. In this day and age, dude, we're discovering so much about the human body. Like, you shouldn't take him out in the first place. And let's be honest. What's he doing down there? What's he doing?

Going down there with gnashes on. Well, imagine that. You can't take him out. Stick him in the water. It keeps him wet. Imagine being the gynecologist and you look down there and it's just smiling at you.

Sideways grin. but this is the thing right the reason I was like not surprised by that is he just goes to the cars and the day

it's been like oh is this in my jurisdiction but I I was reading this thing about this heroin smuggler

and she she put like 57 bags of heroines up her vag, right? Like, you know,

in condoms. Maybe not 57, but quite a lot. Then loads of spare condoms. Just in case. Just in case. You never know. Some,

some change. I think she put $5.89 You can have that in your pocket. I know. And I was like, but she put it up her vag. She put loads of stuff

up her vag. Is this her passport or her Kindle? You mean she got any carry-on? No, I don't. And she waddles off like a fucking cowboy. And do you know the card, right? There was an earthquake and they could hear it jingling.

There's all the coins in the safe. What's that noise? Oh, they hit turbulence. Chug, chug, chug, chug. She started putting her baby off to sleep. But yeah, that's why. why you know you'd be surprised at how the amazing things you could find in vaginas and foreskins i mean yeah i mean that these yarns honestly like uh so to other american listeners um uh we have foreskins and you don't and it's so normalized over here that we're the weird ones and it's like I'm not weird it's not weird that when I was born

my fucking parents held me and went oh what a perfect baby boy we have except that bit though hold on can you get the fucking butchering

I want to make my baby's first day on earth the fucking worst of his life well I was talking to Jordan about this it's not you know it's not

healthier the reason it's seen as healthier is because doctors over in America work on commission right that's why it's not that's why it's not you know it's not healthier the reason it's seen as healthier is because doctors over in America work on commission right that's why it's not

that's why it's not done in the UK because it's extra fucking unnecessary work but also didn't it come from a time when it was

probably healthier because it was like in the desert humidity you probably get all fungusy and diseases and stuff

back in the fucking day nowadays that's why when I grew up watching American movies I was so confused at why

Americans need lotion to mask me too I never understood that never understood that and why when I grew up watching American movies I was so confused at why Americans need lotion to mask me too I never understood that and why they spit in porn and stuff

and then you realise because they don't have a fucking foreskin but here's the thing I was talking to Jordan who's my wife and she's American

and I was her first foreskin which felt good it was like virginity all over again but she's used to, like, no foreskin, guys.

And the one thing that she says is that because we've got that little hood, right, she can see that I have sort of more fun having sex because when the hood sort of uncovers... The lips are comes out.

The tip is fucking sensitive. Man. That's because it's sensitive. It's not been weighed on against, weighed and tamed on the side of your fucking... Yeah, like, American penises are like knuckles. Like, weighing on against the weight and tail of the side of your fucking chest. Yeah, like American penises are like

knuckles. You can literally punch it and you feel nothing. They're like builder's hands. It's disgusting. It's the American

dick. The proper bellend of it. It's a proper carpenter's fist. Yeah. Just real grey stuff for all

these years. So we feel it way more and therefore sex is more enjoyable but we also cum quicker. Oh, because our dicks haven't gone to fucking war every time we go to a jog, going nine rounds with the fucking nylon trousers.

So yeah, that's pretty funny. Do you have a muggle corner? Yeah, I've got some muggle corners. Now, I saw this guy I was at the gym working out because I because we're strong

we're going to fight each other that's why yeah that's true that's not why I'm doing it no but we should the listeners it's not guaranteed

I don't know if Kai's fucking mentioned maybe I'm a dick here and I'm right fuck you Kai you can edit this out if you want but they're thinking

of doing another caring for Kian to just raise the last bit of money that he made so I obviously couldn't do the last one and we are

we're boxing each other if it's on we're fucking boxing each other oh it's on either way even if it's cancelled we'll just do it in Edinburgh

we'll just do it in the car park when people throw change at us that's the money we'll give to Kian it's not much but we had fun

but what was I talking about oh yeah so I was at the gym and I saw this guy arriving in a parking lot and he was driving around the parking lot

right and I'm like what is he doing and so I'm watching him because I'm like he's gone around a few times showing an egg hatch egg to hatch on Pokemon Go

what no that's funny but no he was trying to find a parking space next to the gym. Oh,

come on. And so he was driving around for quite a while and there was parking spaces at the end of the fucking thing.

As soon as someone left, he took it. Yeah. He came in the gym, went on the treadmill. Oh, that's the fun. To be fair,

I am like that. I could easily walk to my gym. My gym is about two miles away from where I live if I drive that's what I do for a warm up

I drive there every fucking day that is totally my belief because it's just so stupid especially in the fucking car

yeah because you're doing two miles that's still a chunk of that was like 50 metres I don't know how many feet that is,

but it's just... It's so close. And that's the thing about Americans that they're just not used to, is walking. They don't walk a lot. They can't find them a walk here. But also, I understand why.

Because it's this grid system and because they've got so much space, everything is actually really sparse down. And so to walk from one place to another... LA is 67 miles long the city is stupid it's

just to give some people in the UK context I found this out LA is the size of Edinburgh and Glasgow and all of the distance in between

that's three times the population that's amazing it's insane it's insane. It's insane. But even then, they don't fucking walk.

When we were in Washington last year, there was a restaurant about a 15 minute walk away. Yeah. The woman couldn't fathom that we weren't getting an Uber there. We're like, we'll just walk. She's like,

I don't know if you can walk there. I'm like, of course you can walk anywhere, you daft cunt. It happens all the time. It actually happened to us when we were in Washington. Yeah,

that's what I just said. Yeah. That's exactly what I just said. Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh, happened to us when we were in Washington. Yeah, that's what I just said. Yeah. That's exactly what I just said. Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh, I just didn't listen, I think. You're just doing a very weird... None of our...

We're going to listen back to this if none of our conversations link. We're just having two separate conversations. It's actually Kai's job just to link them together. Yeah. Yeah, it's like those games where you've got to connect the thing that's related to the other one. Oh, fuck, okay.

Classic inside-outside. All right. I'm just going to put my phone... those games where you've got to connect the thing that's related to the other way oh fuck okay classic inside outside all right i call you a buffoon unnecessary okay i like it but yeah that's kind of my yeah it's people that are unnecessarily lazy lazy's okay yeah sometimes you need to be lazy yeah great but that weird like that just annoyed me It made me laugh as well, but I was like, come on. You're going on the treadmill. I'm proper lazy, though, so I reckon, yeah. And I will put myself in the corner for that, because that is something I would absolutely do.

I fully, I get where that guy's coming from. I fully understand your logic, our logic, things we've discussed, but I'm still like, nah, nah, fuck that. I'm not walking 30 feet like a fucking mug. It's cold I'm still like, nah, fuck that. I'm not walking 30 feet like a fucking mug. It's cold. It's LA.

Oh, fuck that. That's where I live. It's stupid. Yeah, I'll absolutely put that in the corner. My one,

I'm going to have to get the picture up for this. I put it on Instagram yesterday so people can go and have a wee look and get my fucking reference. This thing can fuck off to the end.

This has made me fucking furious. Now normally Muggle shit doesn't make me angry, right? It's just Muggle, they're harmless people, they're lovely. This can fucking, whoever did this, there's no need for them in life. You know what, just so you know, you're so angry, you should have maybe picked joy.

So this thing is a fucking bit of paper that somebody printed out and cut. They took effort to do this. And it's, you know those advertising things like if you're looking for a cleaner and then the number's

written down on little strips of paper at the bottom, you can rip it off as needed. Right? They've done one of those. And that's smart.

Yeah, that's smart. Walk around and need a cleaner. Lovely. There we go. And it doesn't ruin the poster. Don't have to remember. Remember?

Cut that little bit of paper. We've all got mobile phones now. You could just take it down. They're a bit outdated. outdated nonetheless that's why they existed in the first place this one says take what you need and instead of phone numbers the strips of say love peace luck the long way home a chance time kindness the high road flight here's what annoys me the most about this right there was a 10th one it's gone i'll never know what it is right other some fuck not whoever made this is a muggle whoever's walking around with that fucking bit of paper oh i hate them eric it's so obvious yeah but i'm furious right

you're annoyed but in all fairness since i took it it brought me a lot of luck otherwise i actually took it was anger just i'm gonna just I know it's eyes that took it. It was anger. It was just anger. I've just seen it. That is muggle. That is love, laugh, live on a fucking poster.

I can't. The person who made that went home, picked all their fucking favorite fonts and a little notepad. What do people need? A long road home. Maybe they enjoy it.

Why would they need a long road home? That doesn't make any sense because, yeah, you're not having a good time with your husband uh and you need to just take the long way around but that what's the problem with bringing a little bit of joy to someone because if you get joy from that fuck you you don't deserve it right if that's what bring you joy joy's not for you joy's not it's not an emotion you deserve anymore, right? If that's how you get it, nah, fuck off.

Get it the normal way like the rest of us, through friends and drugs, right? But what if, what if someone's taken so many drugs they've lost all their friends and now they need

a little bit of joy? Nah, did they play Devil's Advocate with me here, mate? They need a little bit of joy. Don't you fucking say, don't you take the high road,

literally, it's still running. Don't you take the high road and sit's still running don't you take the high road and sit there and pretend I know you're not as furious as I am this is not a problem

I have to deal with it's muckly as shit though you're not on either of those people's sites uh I

the thing is right this is the thing it is quite muggly it's very muggly but I have zero problem with it because because the thing it's not muggly it's very muggly but I have zero problem with it because

because the thing it's not it's not getting in my way it is it's in my head forever now I lived a life before yesterday when I didn't know that existed

so I'll never get that back I'll never get that in life here's a hypothetical here's a hypothetical right they've ruined your life

they've ruined my life because I'm never going to not know that exists it's there now well hypothetical right they've ruined your life they've ruined my life right because I'm never going to not know that exists it's their life well now that it's ruined your life it's like you're actually a dead body

right it doesn't leave you PTSD here's a hypothetical and you don't know what if the thing that this person

the person grabbed it right and it said something that was meaningful to that person. Fuck them. And it really actually changed

their life for a positive way. Oh, absolutely. What if it worked? What if it's like a placebo, you know? No, no. Fuck you and your life then.

How dare you? How dare you have a life shooting a thing from a bit of paper? Grow up. Grow up. I'm defending him

because some people have simple lives and they then go and see Daniel Sloss's shows because you have a simple kind of audience

so they're muggles yeah well yeah okay yes they're muggles they are muggles yeah they're muggles

but I don't know and I know they're not bad people and I know it shouldn't make me this angry but it fucking does because I'm

sometimes I don't know this may come as a surprise to you, sometimes I struggle with empathy. Yeah, no shit. The reason I struggle with empathy is because I'm egocentric, right? It's not necessarily a matter of empathy,

but it's just one of the ways my brain has worked. I could fix it, but I won't. It makes me quirky. The reason I struggle with empathy at the time is egocentrism. I will put myself

in the person's shoes, right? And that's where I'll get empathy. I'll be like, fuck, I would never want to go through that. But I will put myself in the person's shoes right and that's where I'll get empathy I'll be like fuck I would never want to go through that but when I put myself in the shoes right of somebody

whose life changed by taking a bit of paper off a shitty little arts and crafts sign right when I put myself in that person's shoes I fucking hate myself

I fucking hate myself oh you know what okay we don't know who this person is right this could be this could be a conspiracy right but I fucking hate myself. Oh, you know what? Okay. We don't know who this person is, right? This could be... Oh, lucky for them.

This could be a conspiracy, right? But here's another hypothetical. I'm just enjoying this now. I'm enjoying that it really hurts you to the core. What if someone put it out there to trigger people like you to be angry? Because now they've caused and affected someone, right? This is chaos theory. I don't think this annoys many people though.

Right, but what if they do it for that joy that they know some people like you are. Then I've got a lot of respect for them. Right, and then all of a sudden. Okay, in that case, they're not muggles. They are geniuses and I've got a lot of time for that. If you do something to intentionally fuck someone off, I'm on board.

Even if it's me. Therefore, I don't agree it should be in the muggle corner. Yes, you do. No intentionally fuck someone off, I'm on board. Right. If it's me. Therefore, I don't agree it should be in the muggle corner. Yes, you do. No, I don't. Yes, you fucking do. Because, you know, I've seen many crime dramas, right? And you need to prove, right, intent and stuff like that. We don't know who did this. We don't know if it's a genius who is out there to annoy people like you

i'm not allowing you to not put it on the corner based on and you'll agree with this i'm feeling like i'm not letting you put not put in the corner for an outlandish right very valid still valid but outlandish and we both know it's not true it's like there's thought experience i don't know oh actually i mean no because i don't know yes you do no i don't know you're such a dick yes you do no I don't know who put it up you're like these fucking people right

who don't admit that they don't believe and they're like I'm not an atheist agnostics fuck them they're all like but we'll never know

but you do know but you I don't I'm afraid I don't know the worst these fucking fence setters humpty dumpty sat on the wall look what happened then

I'm not a fence setter I'm actually saying I really believe that some genius put it out there to annoy people like you that's what I

no you don't and you can't you don't have that I know you don't believe well agree to disagree so if there's ever a phrase

that makes my fucking I know it's agree to disagree. Oh, if there's ever a phrase that makes my fucking boyfriend I know. disagree to disagree. Oh, oh, I can't. That's, that's,

that's what people, that's, that's what that means. Do you realize how much, do you realize how much joy this person out there

has brought me from you, your anger. And I'm fine. And this type of joy I would not rob you of, right? That type of joy I'm really rob you of right that type of joy

I'm really empathetic with you don't know that someone else is fucked off and the same thing if this thing is true and that's why they did it I'm on their side

but we both know it's not the case I love fucking people off for no reason I think it's hilarious it's an awful part of my personality right but therefore

just because you're on the other end of the stick I'm getting that schadenfreude joy where I'm seeing you really angry and really sad

and therefore it's brought me so much joy I like that are you really angry and really sad and therefore it's brought me so much joy I like that are you telling me in all honesty you think if it was in Britain

right I would possibly allow you because that's a very British thing to do just to annoy people for no reason you do not sincerely

believe that a fucking American didn't do that with a big stupid smile on his face well here's Daniel Sloss's argument that an American wouldn't do something

as intelligent as that and I would agree with him but I love America We love America but we're in Madison, Wisconsin

and yesterday after a show we actually met a British person from Norfolk who now lives here so potentially him

it could be him I mean this is a Well no I've just proven that there's British people right here in this town because this is a mad... Well, no, I've just proven that there's British people right here in this town. This is a perfect way to tell me, because

this is such a fucking conspiracy theory. This whole thing is a fucking conspiracy theory. Well, I told you not to mess with my

conspiracy theorists. You're a flat Arthur, you're a pile of shit. I can... I can... I cannot allow this to go in my

corner. You can fuck off. Because it brought me so much joy. No, but that's why. No! No, no, but that's why. I didn't need the paper. That's why it still goes in, right?

It goes in. No, no, no, it does. Because even then, as I said, Muggles are not bad people, right? So this thing, even then, it's still a Mugly thing to do. No, it's not Mugly if your intent is to hurt people like you. You're full of shit. He's so annoyed. Because you're not allowing my very valid thing into the fucking corner

on the technicality of an outlandish fucking conspiracy theory. Oh, you know what? Empathy boy, if you like... That's my new nickname. The Baboon Bassoon and Empathy Boy. We're the worst. The new adventures of Empathy Boy. Yeah, DC are really

running out of fucking ideas. Now, if you like to put yourself in people's shoes, you are annoyed that I'm not allowing it for this technicality. Now, if the roles were reversed, if I was fuming,

and you would love it, right? I would still let it in the corner of the muggle. Nah, you're just saying that because you want it in. I won't allow it in. Well, I mean, let's go with it. No, you're just saying that because you want it in. I won't allow it in. Well, it's going in. Well, I think the listeners should choose.

Right, yeah, great. Listeners, how often do you like Daniel really struggling with things? I think the right answer would be to not allow this in Muggle Corner. It's a muggly thing, but it's not going in. Oh, you fucking dog. Have you got one more? I've got one more. People who are fucking so adamant that I used the right cutlery for the right hand

fucking hate those people i don't care if my a fork is still works it just goes you don't get annoyed mate because you know like a fork supposed to be on one side and the knife is on the other side you cut with the yeah i literally don't even know oh no knife's in your right hand fork's in the left I think that's right but so I'm right handed but for some reason I eat like a left handed person

is what someone said I have the fork on the wrong side supposedly but my argument is always it's going in my mouth I'm not rude I'm just

I'm the hand is better with that fork like the fork is better in this hand and so since my literally my entire life people have gone

oh wrong hand fuck off yeah that's proper who cares and they're like that is like who does care I've never met anyone

that cares there's people out there that care and you know like you know there's like a fork and then there's like a fish fork and then there's there's crab fork

or whatever just one fork will do for all of them but I'll still go, okay, I get why there's tiny forks and little forks for different things.

Yeah. But to choose which hand it goes in, fuck off. Yeah, that's a weird hierarchical thing. That's you bringing

class, I'd argue, unnecessarily into things. It just annoys me. Look at this savage. The food's going in. What are you fucking talking about? If I, you know, had the fork in the wrong hand and it was

somehow just I can never put the food in my mouth then I'm gonna be like okay all right uh interesting then because I've

got some of the ties to this right I hold I can't use chopsticks I can use them to the food goes in my mouth but it's definitely not

the way like a vampire you just stick them out and then flick them over there but same with pens I don't hold my pen correctly right I'll show you how I hold my pen

you're smoking pen right no no no mate actually watch this I hold my pen wrong your argument right now is that

it still fucking works I can still write it's chicken scratch but even if I held a pen wrong alright let's have a look this is how I hold it alright do you want me to take a picture

so you can post it for your fans yeah yeah yeah we'll take it there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah, for those, I'll put it up on Instagram later,

but for, it's proper savage. I'm essentially almost gripping it. I hold it with my pinky. Oh, really? Let me see how I do it. My pinky and my thumb. That's how I do it.

Yeah, no, I've got all fingers getting involved. This is great for the podcast. Because I would argue that people go, you hold your pen wrong. I'm like, I'm fucking right. I'm fucking right the words are still there what are you talking about

I hate those people yeah it doesn't matter if I do something differently and it works who gives a shit right yeah no I totally agree I think that's very very

muddly too yeah criticise someone else by the way in the back of my mind my brain's going you're a hypocrite about something

but I can't work out what I've just got my hypocrite alarm going. You've adamantly thrown yourself into this point, and you've definitely adamantly fought the other side at one point in your life. But I'm not sure which. I'm sure Kyle called me on it. But, yeah, it's maybe a short one.

Short argument, but those won't annoy me. So those ones, your two were unnecessarily laziness. I'm in the corner for it it's very muggly it's innocent I'm definitely in the corner the other one is people who unnecessarily

criticise things if it works if it still works it's not affecting you but it's specifically the cutlery thing bothers me and also like

people judging you on your writing doesn't make sense but for me it's the cutlery one so if you do those you're in the corner for 30 seconds

and also my ones where if you're a conspiracy theorist absolutely you're a muggle and the one that for some fucking reason is up for fucking debate

well it's agree to disagree oh you die alright let's go to your dad jokes alright you starting it?

you can go first you're the guest before we go into this let's plug some shows before they fuck off alright so by the time this comes out on Monday next week, you're the guest. Before we go into this, let's plug some shows before they fuck off. All right. So by the time this comes out on Monday, next week, if you're in L.A., I am doing Hot Dub at the Virgo.

I'm doing a show at Pete Holmes at Largo. I'm then at San Francisco Sketch Fest. I'm then in Cleveland, Ohio the weekend after that. And then I'm in New York doing Dark again. If you didn't see that show in New York Gay Michaels I'm expecting to see you there I know you've seen the show but I want you back and then a bunch of other shit

what have you got? I've got a podcast called Topical Island where I discuss a topic in detail while living on this imaginary island with animals it's very weird but it seems to work so people are enjoying it and

where can the listeners find this oh iTunes and SoundCloud the typical nonsense and I'm doing Luc Bisson's next film Anna nice

with Helen Mirren Helen Mirren a movie with bloody Helen Mirren which is pretty cool I don't think I'll be in the same scene as her but still

same film so that's pretty fucking cool that's very cool. So yeah, I mean, I guess that's my deal. And we'll both be at the Edinburgh Festival when that finally... And also, you'll be back, like, realistically, I'll get you back on the podcast. I'm in LA for the next foreseeable fucking future, so...

Oh, great. Well, not for six weeks. Okay, great. So we'll do another one. Cool. You can go first with the dad jokes. All right. So, let me just get them out

your dad doesn't go to the gym he just plays the xylophone until he sweats your dad calls farts bum burps oh that's nice

that's very cute your dad's feet smell so bad that Muslims will break their sacred rule and let him keep his shoes on

when entering a mosque your dad is banned from all but one branch of tesco's and he can't find their breaking point uh your dad only watches the first half of titanic he's a big fan of the book your dad's acne is a cry for help in braille that's nice uh yeah i've always wondered if like people with acne like if they can actually say things one of them must accidentally say stuff

it's like the infinite monkey but I reckon it's both degraded to both blind person and person with acne it's really read him

I don't want to I don't want to touch his plucky face tough shit your dad once accidentally used a tampon instead of a tea bag and he drank it because he was embarrassed, but nobody

was there with him. And he still drank the whole thing. And he went for a second cup. He dried it on the washing line. Part times. Your dad thinks the moon is gay. The moon is gay. Every time the moon comes out, he just

rolls his eyes and goes, poof. Surely you've read all the articles about the moon being gay. Yeah, is comes out he just rolls his eyes and goes poof surely you've read all the articles about the moon being gay yeah is it it's a conspiracy going around it's a poof conspiracy your dad was the one

who suggested to do all these horrible things that Harvey Weinstein did he's the devil on his shoulder yeah your dad bulk pot

tiki torches well I kept running out of so many valleys. If he's making a profit, get on you, Dad. He's burning a profit as well. Your dad has over 350 beauty spots, but he's one of the most ugly men I've ever seen.

Your dad fishes like he's bobbing for apples. Your dad only knows 17 words. None of them are no. Your dad tells golfer he's the 19th hole. Just runs around with a flag. Your dad's New Year's resolution was to stop drinking. On January 4th, he was rushed to the hospital because he was severely dehydrated from not drinking anything. The doctors then put him

on fluids, which means he failed his resolution. He did. Four days in, what a chump. Difficult man. Can't keep a promise. Idiot. Not even to himself. Your dad's teeth are upside down. In a vagina. He had to

pull them out. Your dad's first erection was when he saw James Blunt live your dad doesn't have a favourite Kardashian because he loves them all equally this one I like

but I don't know if it's a good one your dad can't afford Spotify so he calls free customer service helplines during the busy hours so there's music

and just listens to them on hold can't afford Spotify so he calls free customer service helplines during the busy hours so there's music. And just listens to them on hold. He's absolutely devastated when they answer. Oh what a sad cheap man. Very frivolous

our Martin. Those are the same words. Yep. Oh lovely. Thank you for coming on the podcast.

Talk to you again when this is two seconds. I'm not. I podcast. Talk to you again when this is... In two seconds. I'm not talking to you after this. It's not only this. I'll probably talk to you over the course of the evening if the mood strikes me. Maybe.

Agree to disagree. And also, I've not listened to Elliot Steele's or Kai's podcast yet. Oops. I'll do that and I'll catch up. I reckon they marked me. All right, bye, cunts. Bye.