Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.22 Muggins and Milk

Episode Date: January 30, 2018

Elliot Steel AKA Low Fat Cream AKA Milk joins Muggins to complete some chores around the house and record a podcast They chat online gaming, the rise of the machines and Muuggles. Lock up your dads. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

You know what they say, Elliot? That muggins makes the cream go round. Damn straight. Muggins is the root of all cream. I think it's changing the idioms, actually, if I've got you on, because you're not cream. I haven't got a name on this podcast. Here's your options, right?

You're going to be called Sugar, because muggins with no cream want sugar. Don't bring this shit back up, guy. Or you can be Milk. You'll be Milk. No. Because you're low-fat cream. I like that.

Well, that's because, I mean, like, you're cream light. Could I? You're like the weak replacement. Every week you invite me to do this podcast and I come on. And I'll tell you, well, for the last three weeks, and I'll tell you what happens when I walk in the door. I don't walk in and we start this podcast. I walk in and you go, oh, by the way, I've just got to do these chores.

Do you want to help me out with it? I'm starting to realize. I just took an answer delivery. You didn't, you don't even want me on the podcast. You just get me around to help out with household stuff. Like I come up and there's a mop, there's a little skimpy maid outfit for me and all of a sudden I'm around there going,

oh boy, I can't wait to do my dad jokes. And I'm just there cleaning away. Oh, it's so nice of Kai to invite me in here. Oh, let me just dust behind the TV a little bit. I don't even want it here. I forgot to thank you for that, by the way. Thanks for helping us with the chores. Unbelievable.

But sorry, mate. I shouldn't have took the piss out of you. I'm going to thank you for that by the way. Thanks for helping us with the chores. Unbelievable. Sorry mate, I shouldn't have took the piss out of you. I'm going to big you up. I know I took the piss out of you last week, last time we did the podcast because you haven't been late but ladies and gentlemen, Elliot has been late since the last time we did a podcast. No I haven't. I know, I just wanted you to see it.

And I loved how the listeners put it into perspective of how much time has passed since the last time you got here. Oh, they were so creative. Someone said you could have watched The Sound of Music. No, no.

Someone said I could have watched every series of The Wire, all episodes. 56 times. Like 56 times or something. Back to back. What was the one about gerbils? A gerbil could have

had sex give birth raised it's young five times over at the time yeah I mean I had gerbils bubble and squeak

they ate they ate they were young it was weird like as a kid as a kid and me fucking mum and me dad

and me grandad, because I kept them at my grandad's house, so you could look after them, and I'd visit. Are you sure it wasn't your mad grandad, Pete, who just ate the young of the gerbils and blamed it on the gerbils? He was wiping blood off his mouth, a little tail waggling out of the corner of his lips. It was bubble and squeak.

They were kids. So I kept them in his garden shed in this glass container and all that and he looked after them and he kept them all nice and tidy. I think it might have been because he cleaned them out when the babies were in,

so they made human contact. I think the babies had made human contact. And then the gerbils are racist towards humans. I think they really are. They don't want that. Unless they just think humans are delicious. How did your parents... How did they like explain to you how old were you um young so like single digits so you've got these pets and they're there and it's like okay this will teach kai and gav a little bit of responsibility

you know in looking after something and then they're just brought with this daunting task the unknown what was going to happen that they now have to explain about death and cannibalism they should teach people about the postnatal depression where people kill their own kids all three of those things they should have said don't give us the birds and the bees and the fucking psychopaths nature's mad innit that is the dumbest sentence I've ever said nature's mad innit nature's mad innit

do you know what I mean do you know do you know what it is with nature is I wonder like how long I would last in the wilderness have you ever given

that much thought you wouldn't last very long I don't think I would because I'm such a city person like I'm so used to just going to the shop and just buying whatever i want if i was thrown into a forest i reckon i'd make it two days which is decent i don't know without wi-fi you don't get

data i don't get no i mean with that i mean i'm just thrown there i've still got my clothes i've still got a few clothes and i'm just walking around the forest don't don't get me wrong i don't think i'm gonna be killing any animals and catching it and eating it but i reckon i'd be able to i reckon i'd i'd climb a tree and like scout some water i think i'll get that far and that's it you'd scout some water probably tell us how you'd scout your water i'd climb up a tree and I'd look for where it looks wet fuck off yeah that's what you would do

you're going to climb up a tree and look around for moisture yeah you wouldn't like I don't know head downhill

why would I head downhill because that's where the water would go but what if the hill's really big going up a tree's not going to

make it smaller no but then I'd say I walk up a tree and the tree's up on a hill and then I've got like a whole view

around the place and I'm like cool well I know what part of the hill to go down now so I'll go down that part of the hill and I'll find myself some water

I'm not enjoying this hypothetical at all because like what if the trees are just like in a forest you've got to get up the tree and just see a bunch more trees and like you know

the same level because you know when was the last time you claimed a tree this right this morning when you claimed that tree right climb the tree my favorite my favorite activity yeah do you remember you sent me up that tree because i had to clean it did a squirrel run off with a fidget spinner so if you claim a tree you never claimed to the top of the tree you know that right you claim up a tree and you're on the thickness of the branches and you can like claim out on the

branches a bit until they start to bow right but above you is another leg several feet of branches and leaves yet you don't claim to the top of it you never get to the top of the tree and stand on it and just wear hands on your hips glance around the vista, you get up, you claim in the tree. Like you claim up and into it. You're in the core. Yeah, you're not going to get on top of it with that attitude, are you? So you're not going to look around and just go, I was hoping I'd see a water source, but I've just got a bunch of leaves.

Look, I'm not Bear Grylls and I've never pretended to be okay. You're not very Grylls. I'm not Bear Grylls. You're not very Grylls. Oh, very, oh. Right. We've discussed that was good we've discussed that bear doesn't need to be another word um yeah one ray mays yeah yeah he's the other he's the other guy yes guy was he i don't know is that andy mcnabb i don't know we're just saying names we've heard of we've never we've never read any of that work we're just aware of them um so yeah i wanted

to play this game once when I was younger and I worked at the sports centre we used to do loads of activities we'd do Ironman competitions and we'd do a coast to coast in 48 hours where you start at Whitehaven and end up in Tynemouth and we were always organising fucking cool shit and we were always tied with the idea of organising this

but we never did it's where we'd get a bunch of competitors say 6 or 7 people that work at the sports centre, get dropped off at different points, similar location but different points in a van at midnight, and you've got a phone on you that you can only turn on at midnight the next night, and you've got some minimum provisions,

and you've got to get as far away from the centre point as you possibly can so that when they ring you at midnight the next night, you're the furthest away. That would be a belt of competition, wouldn't it? No, that sounds horrible. But just play Fortnite. How are you going to do that?

You've got PS4 for these things now. It doesn't need to be like that. There's a lot of Fortnite right now. Tell the listeners about Fortnite, but pitch it. Get a sponsorship deal. So basically, shout out to Fortnite. If you've ever seen the film battle royale it's essentially oh now i've got to explain battle royale hunger games yeah it's kind of

hunger games in a every 100 players are dropped into this thing and it's all online by this thing he means an island uh yeah one of those and um you all you it doesn't matter how many kills you get or anything it's about being the last person alive. Yeah. So Biden, look at any kills, right? 100 people dropped into an island. So you fly over an island. You choose when you jump out.

You pick the spot. It's a massive map as well. It's a big map. So there's 100 online players. And they are there with no weapons. But then you can collect weapons once you land. You can find weapons. Go to a house.

It's very much a meritocracy in that everyone's dropped in to... Everyone starts out with the same stuff, sorry. And you're all dropped into one place and you can find chests. And you're never going to find the same weapon in the same chest every time. It's completely random. And the map keeps shrinking because a storm comes. So it forces everyone to have to go into each other. So you're playing and then it'll go one minute until the storm comes in.

And then in that minute, you've got to get within the circle. So if there's a hundred people and all of them are surviving at this point, they start getting pressed in together until the population density is quite high and they've all collected weapons at this point, start killing each other.

And it's last man's standard. Yeah, and me, Matty and Sloss won a game. I say me, Matty and Sloss. Me and Matty won a game. Oh, shots fired. And I swear to God, I screamed the house down at like 11 at night. Like just proper celebrating. You know, it was a celebration.

Like your team had just equalized in like the 75th minute. So you're like, oh, we can still go on. It was that level of just screaming the place down. Yeah, the joy. Because some people don't into computer games no it's strange and i i'll give me my mom my mom had a turn on there you might have seen on my instagram story i gave my mom a turn of call of duty and um it was just alien to her like she couldn't understand the movement of it and everything like how does this

not appeal to you that might not be it for her but i remember my dad got into the impossible game when i had an xbox 360 i bought a game called the impossible game which is where you're a square and you have to keep bouncing over objects and my dad got addicted to it yeah he doesn't play video games and he was there calling he was like your little triangle cunt and like yeah so maybe with me mom i give her i didn't give her a get a gateway drug i give her like a really fucking technical game because there's a lot going on right you've got like yeah with anything like fortnite a call of duty you've got your two two sticks you've got your d-pad uh you've got your buttons your four buttons you've got your triggers four triggers you've got like an options button for the map you've got the thing touch pad in the middle

that's a lot of shit going on that's like a lost comment but it's like 16 plus things and you've got to coordinate them with six digits on your hand it's it's a lot happening now if i just give my mom like say spyro the dragon or crash bandicoot where it's like jump and smash yeah this thing then she could ease in and then start like moving up games where the controls are a little bit more complex it's weird how there's a generation of people now that is the technology thing where we've started with like i've always been playing video games since i can remember so i just instinctively if you hand me the controller i'll probably struggle on pc for a bit but i'd be able to learn it with enough you know if you gave me a few days i'd be able to learn it i'd

instinctively pick it up because you've got a film you've got a foundation in gaming yeah so there sounds like i did like a really bad course yeah gfbq you didn't get you didn't get very good gcse so you put it on like a b-tech yeah and uh so i'll be but there's and it's the same now with the generation whatever one's below me i don't know i don't know with ipads and stuff like that they're now using that in school which is what people get weird about it but i think that's brilliant because they're getting the introduction to technology at that age technology is only going to advance so it's good now that if you were born at that point where the technology was just a tv remote there was just if you knew how to use the tv remote in your household you were seen like bill gates yeah but if you set the video yeah set the video for your granddad

set the video to record you won't know about this right but set the video to record was like it's very specific

like there was a code that come with the radio times with the listings that you could type in right that's advanced or you could put on starts at midnight ends at fucking

11.45 you always make it start two minutes beforehand and after all that shit right and you set the video now would be so basic but at the time like blew the mains of the elder generation right that makes sense because i remember one time my dad showed me the steven

spielberg film jewel that he had recorded this was on vcr back in 1980 right like 1984 or something it was on channel four one night and uh just after the film had obviously been on, it was then like the news from that time. So it was just, I was just there watching the news. And my dad was like, oh, the news from 1984. And I was watching it and it's like,

Britain has gone back and invaded the Falkland Islands. Yeah, it's all mind-blowing. I would be better going back and watching old episodes of the news. You've got YouTube now. I may catch up. I might start from episode one. I would be better going back and watching old episodes of the news. You've got YouTube now. I might catch up. I might start from episode one. I'll read the book.

Don't you dare. What would be the book equivalent of news? Just like a scroll, wouldn't it? What are you talking about? History books, you numbly. Oh, yeah. As soon as it's not news, it's history. It's just history books.

What constitutes as news? At the minute It fucks me off actually There's like There's probably so much shit going on And then I turn on And it's on about like The movement in schools

And there's like Fucking some Olympian in a school They talk them through This movement class Like fucking do your special move And put the knees up And I'm watching this Like where there's this new

Like fucking Initiative in a school To get kids active And get them moving And I'm like This thing I don't want to absorb this i'm not going to spend that much time in my day absorbing the news like i want to spend like fucking 20 minutes or less right just give me the fucking key things that are happening in the world the big things i don't know bbc thinks i need to know about movement in schools yeah but that seems to constitute the news it's i don't know i think i get most of my news now,

I don't know if it's about it, from social media. I do get so much of it. I can tell you about a story and know nothing about the story, but still know what the story's about. So this is the thing, right? It used to be like knowledge is power, right?

You get knowledge, you're informed. That was it. You need to get knowledge as classified information. But now there's so much knowledge going around and some of it's bullshit, especially now when it comes to dietary stuff and what's good for you and your health and everything. There's so much information that contradicts itself out there

that there's actually too much knowledge. You don't know what you have to... The key now is to filter the knowledge and find good sources and find good information. I find never to Google with this thing, and I used to do this all the time, was like, Google, what gym exercise I need to do to get abs, and you'll get a video where someone will be there going,

what you need to do is pump these weights and do this, that, that. And what they really should be saying is, oh, I'll just take loads of steroids and then upload a video to a YouTube channel, is what i did but um what was i saying if you if you google something like that like dietary requirements or anything i find you're going to get too much information on the board you're going to get one article telling you this one article doing that and then it just becomes you go i'm never going to do any of these things because there's too much contradiction information yeah and it it is a fact like you'll read one thing like tim ferris and his four-hour body he'll tell

you to take some egg yolks out you know that people say that there's essential fats and egg yolk and yeah you start looking into stuff there but the way i've found to do it is is go with results uh there's a there's a a dude who I'm friends with called Adrian who does bodybuilding. He just randomly just went, one day I'm going to put my mind to bodybuilding, and he fucking achieved at it and won medals and shit. You see the pictures of him.

He's in ridiculous shape. And I'm like, I would take advice off of that dude ahead of any of these books and scholars and authors because he's figured it out he's he's he's tested it on his own body and he's found out what works and then i chatted to him and got information off him and he equipped me with stuff that worked so when i got into shape like properly in the summer last year it was off someone that had results that is the best way to do it is to find one of your friends who's getting results or someone doing that and just go to them hey what's working with you because then if something i always find i always will

get something wrong like i'm not i'm that person and when i get something wrong i usually just give up because i go oh i'm never going to understand it and it works that people just have to really dumb it down for me that's what i always find with things like i have to have it explained on the most basic of levels and then when someone explains it to me on the most basic of levels I go oh I can oh right I just need to actually properly do this instead of that and then I'll get a bit more I love like when you when you get a little bit of armchair science off people that don't really know but they've heard something in the past and on and this is what I'm sorry to be done for throwing under the bus for this one but one time that's that's not like this podcast a few years ago

a few years ago my dad told us that it's all right to have a kebab if you have a fizzy drink if I thought I'm under the bus with this one. But one time... That's not like this podcast. A few years ago, my dad told us that it's all right to have a kebab if you have a fizzy drink after it, because it breaks it down. What? It's like the fucking fizzy pops kind of break down the grease from the kebab. I mean, I'm sure my dad has changed his opinion on that now,

but at the time, he just passed it on as such a smart bit of like, oh, well, that's fine. You know, just like, I don't think you're a scientist. Yeah. It probably helps break it down in your mouth. You do. And we do go on about it a lot of times. smart but it's like oh well that's fine you know just like i don't think you're a scientist yeah it probably probably helps break it down in your mouth you do and we do go on about it a lot of times my favorite with martial arts and things is when someone says oh what you want to do is land

a punch on the such and such an area and and that will no one can survive that that's an instant knockout and you're like pressure points your pressure points are the dim mock technique that makes the heart explode and it is some of them YouTube videos are fucking hilarious though when it's like if people even if you're not into martial arts or anything

look up just videos of people practicing like there's like a great channel called Bullshido and stuff

and it is people practicing that like Kamiyami and stuff like that and there's a great one where they've convinced this woman she can do it so this bloke just runs at her

and she Kamiyami does this like fake and the bloke just wipes her out but then knows he's wiped her out so pretends to be injured from the Kamiyami

oh really and it's all theatre isn't it like fucking like rap chat videos and shit but speaking of UFC you've just done

not the voice of but you've wrote lanes for the computer game. So to promote UFC 3, Game Less Coming Out. EA Sports looking for sponsorship on the podcast. Damn straight.

And we're sponsoring a lot of things. Fortnite, Bose headphones. We're aiming high. Bose is fort, Bose headphones. I was listening to Intelligence Squared podcast. I don't know it.

It's good actually. I mean, I listened to one episode because the author of the book I've just read, Yuval Noah Harari was a guest

on the podcast so I'm listening to him and then I cut to do an advert and they were saying and then a package arrived and it was from Bose and it was from Bose Headphones and so they said

they'd like to sponsor us so Bose Headphones are fucking sponsoring podcasts willy nilly on a whim and here's me just fucking plugging away for free unbelievable sort your shit out Bose do you think we could get everyone to just tweet Bose

and just say come on guys what do you think we're going to get out of it because we've already got the headphones I actually I just could do with a new couple of pads for me because they're getting a little bit worn so if Bose are listening I don't want a full set of headphones just a new couple of pads for me, yes, because they're getting a little bit worn. So if both are listening, just... I didn't want a full set of headphones, just a couple of extra parts.

Just to give them a service. Do you know what? Just send us a gift card for, like, WH Smith or something, just something to let us know you're listening. Nando's Black Card or something. So anyway, enough about both. So, yeah, I was... I got asked to go into thet sport office to write trash talk

for people they basically what the setup of the day was was people are going into the octagon to play the new fc the new fc yeah the new ufc game um and beforehand they'd be doing trash talks against each other so i was there to kind of write trash talks for them with a couple of british painters right so anyone in the north was Darren Till and Jimmy Manua and what happened the other day was

I didn't they didn't really tell me but I had to just keep writing lines about Jimmy Manua because people kept dropping out so he was just

there kept standing in for people and he was wicked like he's really like perfect really good good talk talk good delivery yeah so is Darren Till

yeah Scots are Darren Till isn't he yeah so his trash talk would have been great cheeky accent anyway

so he was like really funny with it but on one of the things Sportbible come in and just go to me hey we're just going to record you sat there with

Akin Fenua Antonio from West Ham and Eric Lamella the right mid from Tottenham so they had footballers in so they had footballers in now I had previously were they like playing against each other while they were trash talking so I just had to teach them how to trash talk so there's a room with an octagon uh where you go in there and you play the UFC game then there's a separate media room for the trash talking that was set up like a UFC conference room then there was my room which was a really long table and really brightly lit and I was just sat there welcoming people in and if people would come into my room first and be like oh what the hell is going on here yeah and I'll just have to tell them like give them some roast

jokes and whatnot so Eric Lamella and Akinfenwatonio there now if you don't know aki fenway he's one of the most charismatic football like he's just big boisterous big personality he doesn't need me there antonio doesn't need me there but what they don't tell me about eric lamella is he doesn't speak very good english so i'm sat there and those two are bantering back neither do you oh the dream team so i'm sat there with these jokes that were originally for Wilfred Zaha and Yannick Balassi. So I sort of revamp him a little bit, hand them to Lamella. And I'm like, yeah, just sort of say that one. And he goes, no, no, this is too long for me.

So he didn't have enough grasp of the English language. So he was a bad bookend, essentially, the one that is facing his name on it. But he wasn't capable. Yeah, and he was a nice enough guy. But I'm just sort of sat there going, oh, essentially, the one with his face and his name on it, but he wasn't capable of the task at hand. Yeah, and he was a nice enough guy. But I'm just sort of sat there going, oh, no, mate. So there's going to be a video out of me just sort of sat there as these lot are bantering back and forth,

but Eric LeBel is just saying things in Spanish. Is he? Are they going to just subtitle him? I've no idea. Are they going to adapt and work around it? Are you going to be in the video? I don't know. Were they like writing lines and feeding them and giving them? It was such a hectic day. they're going to adapt and work around it. Are you going to be in the video? I don't know. So you were there like,

rating lanes and feeding them and giving them... It was such a hectic day. It was really, really, really hectic. And it got to the point where people were coming in and going, some of the people, oh my God, man, I can say this now that it's going out, whatever.

I have met the new... There was two lads who really got it from this football team so these football teams were coming but they're not really football teams

I'll say this straight up if you are not a footballer if you just record your football matches and put them on YouTube and there's people

out there who do this every industry every industry man you'll have people saying that they're models and there's just no creepy dude with a garage and a camera

people will have their name on Facebook they get hundreds of thousands of views and all they're doing is playing

they're like we'll be playing football Lloyd Griffith the great Lloyd Griffith organised a football match

soccer AM and stage fame yeah he's a great guy he organised a football match against one of these football teams

and we lost like 25-1. They're decent. Yeah. But so are people down the park. Yeah. You can't just start recording yourself and be like, yeah, I'm a top bowler.

No, that's not how it works. Yeah. Not when I've got Eric Lamella, Antonio and Akin Fenwar sent to me, sent in to do this. They're footballers. Not you because you've just gone, oh, I took a picture

of me scoring a free kick one time against some lads who didn't really know how to play football yeah fucking they've just got a

5-a-side team with a cookie name oh man I did not know that that was you see when people moan about millennial career paths

that is what that is when I go oh okay my grandad's generation fought in a war and now there's people out there who are just like oh we're just going to

film ourselves playing football and now I'm a top bowler that's what your grandad went to war for Elliot so that we could make video logs and fucking podcasts

I wish we lost I wish this podcast was in German oh god imagine me trying to do this in German with this accent und sprechen die Deutsch

I'm not Cockney you are fucking Cockney no we've had this argument am I Geordie do you think I'm Geordie because I'm technically not I'm technically Northumbrian

I should roll me R's and whack me Dürger und Punt because I'm a Pityaka Northumbrian but I should roll me Oz and wear me derg around the pond because I'm a pit yacker, Northumbrian, but still, like, people hear Geordie,

right? Yeah, you saw it, yeah. Like, my nearest fucking top flight football team is in Newcastle.

My nearest shops are in Newcastle. I mean, there's shops in Blythe as well, but, I mean, come on. You're not going to do

a Christmas shop in there, are you? You're not going to do your weekly shop there. You're not going to do a Christmas shop in there are you you're not going to do your weekly shop there you're not going to do your clothes shop otherwise you go on a night out and every cunt's wearing

the same gear that's what it was like you know actually we had two shops in Blyth we had Paljoy and Topshop you had a Topshop no sorry

Burton's so there was Burton's and Paljoy I'm not sure what the range is now because I haven't spent much time there but it was like

when I was on my first going out drinking like 16, 17 and shit and you would go out in Paljoe, I'm not sure what the range is now because I haven't spent much time there, but it was like when I was, on my first going out drinking like 16, 17 and shit, and you would go out and there would always be four or five people wearing the exact same

clubber. That was sort of similar to my area, but that's because there was a style. Yeah. That was just wear a tracksuit

and a body warmer. Is that how it was? That's how it was. Tracksuit for the night out. Yeah. Well, night out was more just going to the pub You wouldn't get into the wonderful Tiger Tiger

So yeah what I'm saying is To you I'm a Geordie right Even though I'm technically not But to me you're Cockney I'm okay with being called a Cockney It's fine It's just when someone will eventually go Why do you go on stage and pretend to be Cockney

And I go I'm not Cockney And in a go on stage and pretend to be Cockney and I go I'm not Cockney and in a review one time I got called the Cockney kid from Croydon and that doesn't make any sense

that doesn't make any sense whatsoever because that's funny when I'm in Newcastle I feel like when I'm on stage I can't say I'm from Newcastle because I think they'd tell

really yeah I would like but if I'm in London I'll just say I'm from Newcastle because it's like it's heard of it they'll know Blythe as a point of reference.

I mean, like, often I mention Blythe. Like, sometimes I do, but like, only if I'm going to do stuff about my hometown.

And a lot of people have heard of it because of non-league football. Yeah, Blythe Spartans. But not much else. Still more of a football team than those YouTuber guys

by a huge distance. Absolutely. By some, by like, to Saturn level of distance. Saturn's a far planet isn't it saturn yeah i think all planets are far lakes no but if i was like to the moon moon's not a planet it's a moon see smartness oh mate i don't even need an injection like you're digging your own hole it's wonderful uh you know they all have the planets it's easy to remember you've just got to remember them some all right i'm gonna go mercury closest if it's from the sun yeah if we do actually circle the sun yeah because science

has lied to us before by the way i was joking there i know i'm not smart enough to get away with them kind of jokes yeah uh you got mercury um there we go mercury venus earth mars is that right you're asking the wrong person saturn uranus jupiter no this is near the end uranus is near the end i forgot a g um are we why let's say let's say let's say people are getting furious now do you know that there's people listening good now you know how? There's people listening. Now you know how I feel when I have to sit there and watch your tweets come in

about how much length of time it's been since someone had a bowl of Cheerios and I got laid or something. Right, okay. Let's get off planets. But on that, you know, when you said there, I'm so stupid that I can't get away with not explaining that that was a joke.

I put an Instagram story up of me biting the engagement ring off Natalie's finger and pretending to swallow it right and Danny the M does saying kill yourself did he think you actually did it no no you just thought I was being like fucking them like soppy we had marriage marriage like he just thought I was being a gimp I think he's kind of a muggle, right? He'd just kill yourself. He just hated the tweet. I sucked my fucking fiance's finger on a tweet, right? Yeah, I thought it was a bit weird.

Yeah, but I was munted. I was off my fucking... Oh, that makes it better. I was off my fucking pie. I was back in Newcastle with the boys. No, you were in Blythe. That's true. This is true.

So I fucking bit the engagement ring of Natalie and pretended to swallow it and then I actually dropped it on the floor and finally got it out of my hand. Oh, God. You dropped it on the floor and gave it back. Romance 101 with Kyle Humphries, ladies and gentlemen. I sucked my fiancée's engagement ring off her finger

and then spat it on the floor but had the common decency. I bent down and picked it up myself and gave it to her. Oh, I had to get on the road with Geron, actually, because they kind of fell down the back of one of them four back seats. And then someone kicked it. And then someone pretended it was theirs. And I was standing off with a fucking big bloke.

So I posted that. Danny fucking hated it. And rightly so. It was fucking kind of lame and weird and creepy. Anyway, kill yourself. And I just went, oh, my God. I wanted to kill myself when i had a rummage through me shit for it this morning and then danny responded saying no question mark and i was like well no but it's not beyond you guys but like like part of us were just like fucking mug how did he feel for that like part of me wanted to

like slag him for like like yegs and then i was just saying oh my god this is a lot that you thought that that could happen and he was like well if that happened to anyone it would happen to you and it's the kind of thing that well what the figure is with you is you do these disgusting things and then you immediately text the group about what you've just done because you go oh if i just snitch on myself it means no one else can ever snitch on me so it's technically me owning it uh but anyway i didn't i didn't swallow an engagement ring shit no but it's fucking i want to be you can shoot yourself off having a wank i like it's so it's not beyond you like so it's not beyond you

aye that was such a defeated aye it is defeated because you know what this was fun having this type of fucking like life when I was

shitting yourself when you were wanking you know when I was your age you know you'd just been a feckless youth fucking 34 year old man yeah but I'm telling you what

I couldn't tell you the last time I shit myself you couldn't tell us the last time you got laid, you fucking muggs. Right, Muggle Corner. We are going to put some people in Muggle Corner. I just want to do a shout out to Eric and Daniel, wonderful podcast last week. Sounded like Daniel was recording that podcast down a phone in a prison, like a rapper.

Yeah, I just sank through the glass. Daniel was recording that podcast down a phone in a prison like a rapper yeah I just sank through the glass Eric with his fucking hand pressed against the screen talking into the phone yeah it did sound like he fucking

it sounded like Danny was because Eric's sound was fine wasn't it yeah it was fine it sounded like Eric was shouting it down he don't know which one

well wishing he'd fucking speak into the mic so yeah good podcast but I got so frustrated talking about people shouting at the

shouting at the podcast when we couldn't get the planets in the correct order dweebs when Eric wouldn't let that thing in Muggle Corner

the thing that Daniel suggested to put in Muggle Corner was somebody had put a poster saying take what you need and then there was tear off strips saying a hug from company. Oh, yeah.

That is so muggle. And I don't know. Fair play to Elliot if he was baiting Daniel. Elliot? I wasn't. Eric, sorry. Eric. Blaming me for everything.

Fair play to Eric if he was just baiting Daniel because it is fun whining Daniel up that's my favourite thing in the world which brings me back to what you wanted to call me at the beginning of this podcast I want to put my name forward

and I hope you agree on the basis that it will really piss off Daniel Elliot bad boy Muay Thai fighter still got a ring to it it's great isn't it it sounds wonderful

whenever we're on the podcast the same way Muggins and Elliot bad boy Muay Thai fighter still yeah just Muggle and

bad boy Muay Thai fighter and the fans will be like oh yeah bad boy Muay Thai fighter wonderful think I'm going to

stick to milk nah I mean it's similar Muggins and milk Muggins and Muggins and Elliot bad boy oh fuck it

so Eric maybe he was just teasing danny but like he should have then just went ah put it in muggle corner yeah this is a serious thing right it's very serious this is why this is this is the thing you mentioned it before he was like i've i've wrote a muggle corner which is actually a muggle corner not like the muggles buy jeans yeah that's what you said he said to me earlier. That's totally right. Like, what name fucking Danny and Gareth put in? Running. Like, oh, I don't like running, ergo, running is muggly. Like, I didn't let you get in.

I didn't let you last week get in. For making the wrong coffee for someone. For making the wrong coffee for someone and then it being their fault. Which today, I had to stand over and watch Kai as he made my coffee and then my cup of tea. And you nailed it. And thank you very much, Kai. And you deserved it. You've done a lot of chores. At least I could do. So it didn't go in Muggle Corner to tear off strips,

because whatever context, whether you're doing it as like, oh, look how Muggly we're being. People are going to think we're Muggles. Like we're saying, even second wave of Muggly is Muggly, right? So yeah, that was annoying. No, I know what you mean. It's annoying that that's not in muggle. Well, that's a definition of muggly.

Yeah. That's a good example. That's a perfect example. You know, if there's people in the podcast that may be listening now for the first time, and I mean, we do terrible at giving everything context and it's like, we should have done a little intro

at the beginning hi this is Kai Humphries and Elliot Steele because I do a podcast Kai Humphries and Elliot so yeah

I should do an intro and say it's like an on the road podcast where we're touring comedians and then when we're not touring together

we'll get guests on like yourself I should have given that at the beginning but I didn't they will have just heard me say I wish we'd lost

the war to Nazi Germany and give it a context if anyone could just sound clip that and this pitch at that at the beginning but I didn't. They will have just heard me say I wish we'd lost the war to Nazi Germany in the context. If anyone could just sound clip that and there's pictures of Elliot with his hair like a little bit Hitler-y

so just whack a tash on him and put the sound over there. a little bit of a Hitler haircut. So yeah, muggles are people who the go-to one is always love, laugh, live. Yeah.

Right? I don't always cook with what is it uh i sometimes cook with wine sometimes i even put in the food you don't have to be crazy to work here but it helps like those sort of muggles are you working hard you're hardly working oh window cleaner you missed a bit oh right so these are like the muggly behavior patterns of muggles and even if you say it kind of ironically, you're still being a muggle, but you're being a self-aware.

So what we're going to do is we're going to suggest some muggly things. We're going to debate whether it goes in the corner and we're going to come up with a conclusion. And then if you fall into that category, you're going to spend 30 seconds in the corner. I think I've got my best one ever. How then? Muggles talk about Bitcoin.

Oh, it's happening a lot. Right. This is a conversation I had with Milo McCabe within 20 seconds of meeting him the other week. He went, I just can't see how it will possibly go wrong. That's how every economic crash has ever happened, you stupid fuck.

Everything ever, the housing crash of 08. Oh, let's all get houses when we're earning 10 grand a year. And why not take out a second mortgage and get another house and another house? This is how these things happen. Stop it. This is how everything crashes because everyone jumps on board.

And then the idiots get involved. And they just go, oh, what I'm going to do is I'm going to take out a £100,000 loan. I'm going to take out a £1,000 loan from wonga.com. And I'm just going to invest it i'm going to take out a hundred thousand pound loan i'm going to take out a thousand pound loan from wonga.com and i'm just going to invest it all in bitcoin and then tomorrow china will go oh hey by the way we've made bitcoin illegal over here and then you're all fucked and another housing crash and then someone comes along and we go hey we've got cryptocurrency and someone comes along and we've got oh we've got like fucking no seriously get into it it's seriously addictive and you've just got to watch the markets this is not wolf of wall street you sit at home

with your two kids fucking helping them draw in the color of your you wear a cravat and pencil on a mustache you're not gonna be all of you not just milo that's what all of you do yeah and then yeah you gotta love him and i mean he's trying to help us maybe if you play it right i don't know it sounds to me like this is what happens I might even be stepping briefly into Muggle Corner to discuss it right but

people start selling it because it's at a high price right and then it starts going down and going down and going down and everyone's selling it and then people start buying it

because it's a low price and then this pendulum just fucking swings and it's up and down but is anyone really benefiting are people just getting on and off the fucking train

at different stations and are they actually gonna actually gonna well the best way to do it would just be for a day at once make yourself 14 quid and walk away if you just keep doing that reinvention eventually you're just gonna get caught out right yeah it's uh i i have no idea like because i just switch off when people start telling me about it now because i don't want to hear about it i'm not going to invest in bitcoin so stop telling me about it that and that's what comes annoying and then people start going oh no you don't want to invest in bitcoin what you want to invest is in ripple and then when you want to invest is in x7rd but you have to buy a crypto transfer and it's good right this already sounds

like a lot of admin it sounds like i need an enigma machine and then i don't want to my favorite thing about my i i've got money i'm owed from invoices and the invoices have been difficult and i've just gone do you know what i'll just be poor it's difficult i'll just be poor i can't sit there and fill that in i can't i don't even know what planets like the nearest one to us i think it's mars do you know i mean i i'm the exact person who should not be getting on the stock you. Earlier you thought that was the moon. I know the moon isn't a planet. I know it's just like rock that we've given a name by us.

That's what it is, isn't it? Sure. But you see those kind of statements. Imagine someone like me gets on the fucking Bitcoin market and then I'm trying to tell people to get on it. I'm self-aware stupid. I'm aware I'm stupid. So I try and limit my stupidity to tell people to get on it. There's people, I'm self-aware stupid. I'm aware I'm stupid. So I try and limit my stupidity to only myself. And the podcast.

And a few people I love around me. You just travel all into this podcast. Yeah, I just let it affect the people I love around me. You know? Let it ruin their lives. I don't need to ruin the whole stock market. Because I fucking jump on Bitcoin. And then just suddenly the next day it's all gone.

And then everyone's at war with each other it's so weird isn't it because like even when your mates tell you they're getting into Bitcoin you should be rooting for them

you should be like oh my god I hope it turns so bad oh man I hope the coin has to borrow money just so I can see it in the air but as well, you know...

Just as they ask, start unzipping your flies. I suck a dick. I got these cheeseburgers, man. Got any Bitcoin, dude? You got any Bitcoin? Oh, man, fuck. So, yeah, like yeah you know what really fucking

it kind of bugs me a little bit when everyone's trying to use like cheat codes to get rich like people are trying to like

you know putting the lottery on it's a fucking nice idea that you may get your millions but you haven't earned your millions and I may be sounding like a muggle here

you've got to claim your weight at the top but I always think it's a nice game to try and like engineer it definitely is and I've always thought with the lottery i've always thought there is probably an amount and i don't know what it is that is perfect to win and anything over

that amount is life ruining like if you won a hundred million your life would the things you do would get better but i don't think who the people that would suddenly be around you you wouldn't be able to trust it is this person just hanging out with me for money now what's going you know you're that that would start dwelling on your mind yeah stanley would always be like two feet away from you oh my god yeah just imagine him that still you just won the lottery you could afford a round of jager bombs. Oh, God. No, I don't know. Like, with money, I feel like I've been poor.

Like, I've been fucking piss poor before. I've been in crippling debt. And I've had a slow claim into my 30s where I haven't had kids, so I haven't had the drain of children. I've got myself... That's where most people go wrong. I found myself in this slow claim that I feel like i've got a handle on it now i don't think like if i ended up with a million pound i don't think that would ruin my life because i don't know a million

but what i was saying about the kids thing is i think there's so many people who just have a kid and like have no idea that that's going to cost like so much money well you know raise a human joe rogan quote i'm sure it was on a joe rogan podcast where he said uh this is before he had his kid he went i feel like i'm smarter than most people that have kids and i've got more money than most people that have kids but i don't feel like i'm smart enough or rich enough to have a kid and i just thought it resonated with us yeah that's if I found out I had ever got someone pregnant

which ain't going to be happening anytime soon evidently after the last few months oh man it would be amazing if a girl came up to me and went hey I'm three months pregnant with your baby

I'd be like ah bullshit but the even if she'd come up and said she was nine months pregnant no then no then it would be trouble.

But imagine if I just had a kid, the idiot that I'd be raising at the moment, and I ain't got the money to have a kid. But that's not always the case, because fucking your dad's really smart. Your dad's probably... He was just a terrible parent. Oh, beautiful.

Beautiful. So so time is ticking so let's put let's put people that are fucking the bitcoin bitcoinism is the new veganism like people are like

it's to show off about how much oh I've made 300 in the last week and it's but they haven't because it's still in there and they put it back in there

and it's like I don't know if any of them are going to see fucking rewards I think I think like there's people who

like all of these things from whatever basically I've seen the film The Big Short so I know everything about the economy of course you do

right and whatever I see in the economy is there is I've always I'm done but I've always thought there's no such thing

as a free lunch like there's never never has a get rich scheme worked unless you've got out quick enough and the thing with get rich screams is it's always enticing you in like a ponzi scheme there's always that little bit extra that you can get and because it drives on a capitalist gain it entices people who are quite capitalist in that like they just want more and it comes about beating the other people that's the other part of it so that i see that as like a driving factor for this bitcoin thing is it's like oh i've made this this is this and then when it all comes crashing down if it does come crashing down otherwise people are going to look back in this podcast and be like jesus glad i didn't

listen to kyle and elliot and we're the only we're the only two poor cunts on the planet everyone else is fucking rolling that scrooge McDuck and in Bitcoin so yes let's put them in there right wicked and I'm going to put in this is this is probably something

we're both going to end up in Muggle Corner for but when you mock someone else's music taste if you mock like everybody's music taste is like tailored to them, they listen to something

that the vibrations work with their bones right, like they listen to music that like, whether the words speak to them, whether the vibe of the music speaks to them and affects their mood and all has the mood in a good way, whether it's tied into their childhood, so a certain song connected to a certain time in the past

with your grandad or your family or a place you used to go and hold it to or used to play in the car on a road trip. The music that you listen to is completely tailored to you. Nobody else can mock it. Yeah. And I'll do it. I'll defend my music taste to people who mock rap music and I'll listen to it when I was a kid because I was a fucking teenage angst. Yeah. And I still listen to it now because it reminds me of that time when i was discovering myself and growing as a person i'm totally

in muggle corner for this but i will point out and i'll do it when i'm of that age this is a thing that people from older generations seem to do more than younger generations because it comes like hey you you see that new thing that you lot are enjoying and that i don't understand that's bullshit listen to this thing from back when I was your age and feeling them feelings. When you were listening to the Beatles back then, your granddad was telling you it was boy band. Listen to boy bands.

Everybody's music taste is tailored to them. So the minute you start projecting your taste onto somebody else or mocking their taste, I think that's when it starts getting muggly. I would say there is there is a counter to this just to play devil's advocate some music

I feel is muggly because it's just played loads in things and therefore it just becomes a hit song that people listen to yeah so then the sort of

masses of muggles gravitate towards this song like have you ever been in a nightclub like I like my DJs I'm quite you lot in the group know when we went out

into Ibifa I sort of know which DJs are which you know what i mean oh fuck's sake uh hold on hold on somebody once told me the world was gonna rock the cinema could trigger you off i like that song is that your generation uh no maybe it's not maybe more daniels yeah probably more it's everyone's generation that song so yeah i do know what you're saying right because some music is muggly in the fact that the force fed it right like the charts sometimes force feed us like the the b-bars and the x-factor music and the the stuff that's just like junk food music we're no real like it's there's no

right but what i'm saying is like so say out somewhere if i was to with be with people who knew quite a bit about house music or something it's always to go oh kerry chandler's on tonight now he's quite a sort of underground house guy uh but kerry chandler's he yeah yeah more you know so but then say we went to a nightclub and they were just playing there was a dj there and he's just playing top 40 stuff it's not really in my that's like not djing you're the person who's just pressing play so you see when people are djs just press play i've always thought like i think i've had a rant about that in the past where i was in dc 10 and the guy put his hands up in the

air and everyone went fucking nuts and i was like if a guitarist put his hands up in the air and the guitar kept on singing you'd be like you're a fraud no but try try with dj and it's all about like there's more to it yeah there's a lot to it i'm being a muggle in my ignorance yeah but i can completely understand why because if you just go to a generic nightclub and they're just like hey here's some sean paul when everyone starts going nuts it that dj has pressed play. He's just faded the song into the other song. He's not mixing the songs. Can't mean somebody had to. You can't just put a Spotify playlist on, can you?

Because it'll be like a second or two delay in between each one. Oh, they got crossfade on it. AI's taking over. It is. Don't be worried. It's fucking brilliant. I've just read Homo Deus.

It's fucking remarkable. I really enjoy that AI's taking over. They're going I get shit done way better less mistakes less deaths we're gonna be obsolete it's gonna be like

alright for a bit when we're just living in our virtual world we just slacked off bitcoin which is AI money yeah but it's I suppose so

but I'm gonna quite enjoy when like this is gonna be a spell where humans are just freed up and some people are gonna like

it's gonna suffer when some ain't making the cut when you realise like I'm obsolete and you feel like you haven't got a place in the world and shit like that

but man if if you could live in a world where every AI stayed out of the way right you could just fucking play on Playstation

read books fucking sunbathe fucking do what you want why can't people accept that fucking time is the new money time is the new rich if you could have if you could have all your time off but just enough money to live that would be better than being a millionaire that works 80 hours a week yeah

i suppose so if you if you just got your fucking rations and your time off and you're fucking i'd be balling do you reckon that's like do you ever create like an ai thing that could just do because we always feel safe in stand-up now oh we always need humans to do this but what if they just make a robot one day that just knows works out the formula takes in every bit of stand-up there's ever been on the internet works out what formula works best this this and it's already happened with uh with music they've done it they've done it with classical music and they got like real fucking um they got a orchestra to play the one that the computer had composed and the one that a great composer had composed

and they put the two together and they couldn't tell which was the human mind and which was the artificial mind. In fact, more people thought the artificial one was the human when they submitted their guess. See, this stuff scares me and what scares me is I don't know if I should be scared or shouldn't be scared because I don't know enough about it. Because whenever I think about robots i think about terminator and terminator like that don't look

like a fun life i've been the terminator no i'd love to be the terminator i'm mad is it but i wouldn't want to be uh i wouldn't want to be the people who get terminated where's this going you know i mean like it was all fun and games with Windows Vista in it but if you're just there and like Arnold Schwarzenegger guys Arnold Schwarzenegger is chasing you down

and killing you that's that's Terminator so what you're saying is Muggle and other people's music taste does go in Muggle Corner

yeah right thanks I don't even smoke weed anymore and I still went up in his conversation you took it there alright we're going to put that muggle corner you knew what you were getting into

when you invited me on this podcast you were getting a nice I thought that was going to be an intelligent conversation about AI taking over you knew what you were getting and you were getting your plates washed a couple of other things because I do all your chores for you don't I

hey thanks mate I'm looking at the time as well we're taking on what you're going to put in okay this one because it happened to me today on my way here people who say

it's not my fault when they work for the company that is fucking your day up that's like a double edged sword because I sympathise for the people that are on minimum wage. I couldn't give a fuck.

No, no, no. But I also think they should take ownership. Yeah. I was at the station trying to update my Oyster card. The machine wasn't accepting the money or anything. The machine was fucked.

So my train was coming in two minutes and I said to the guy, I was like, hey, mate, could you just let us through and I'll pay my fare at the other end. I need to get that train. And he went, nah,

you've got to walk around to the shop and top up your Oyster card. I was doing the thing going, well, this is a train station. Surely I am able to top it up here. Like, can you not go to the desk?

And he went, we don't do Oyster top up at the desk. So then I'll just push through the barriers. I was like, you're on minimum wage, you don't give a fuck. He doesn't care. You're not going to put your life on the line

to stop me so he's if you're going to kill him he's going to so he's like if he can't be bothered with the oh I don't know

this isn't my fault then the minute you walk through he's not going to go all of a sudden I'm a company man and I'm going to save the four pound from this citizens arrest

yeah like you've already laid your cards out about how you feel about this situation I'm on my way like you've already laid your cards out about how you feel about this situation I'm on my way like you're grinding out the hours

but what's what's sad about this right is you know when somebody's somebody's bad at their job in the work in a shit job

so you're like it's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy if you're going to be bad at that job because you don't want it and you don't care for it you're going to be in it

for a long long time because you're not going to claim out of it what you should always do and this goes out to any young listeners if there's anyone like 17 and you're working at a bar

or you're working like I don't know even as a cleaner just trying to make ends meet for your university for your drinking money for uni just fucking take over

your job whether you clock in you're on there do the best as you can and then they're going to give they're going to give you more opportunities within them or you're going to they do the best as you can and then they're gonna give they're gonna give you more opportunities within them or you're gonna end up being too good for that job and

you'll outgrow it and you'll get a better one and that's how the claim that's how the claim works if you if you're if you're a job because you don't want to be there you're fucking stuck there if they're by being crap at your job assigning their life over to that job until you get fired and then you're gonna be i don't it on. If you're going to be, I don't mind this person having a shit job, what I'm saying is just let me through the barriers.

Just be, just be, just let it. It's like, it's like ticket inspectors as well. Ticket inspectors on the train, I once got arrested on a train because I was a ticket inspector

but he called me a fucking cunt because I walked on the first class and then walked down to standard class. I don't want to see the problem. I will. See what you see i i did and um yeah i got arrested at reading station for sort of getting off the train and arguing with him but i remember that day i was just so i was like fuck those people who work a ticket into like traffic wardens and things like that. It wouldn't harm you to just be bad at your job. If you don't like that job, just be a little bit bad at it.

Let the people, you hate your boss, fuck them over with the money. Right. So you're switching it now. You're very self-serving with this. You want them to be shit at that job when it helps you. Yeah. But you want them to be good at that job when it helps you. Yeah. But you want them to be good at their job when it helps you. Yeah.

What's wrong with that? I don't like the cut of your jib. Neither did the police at Reading Station. No, I think most people should, like, if you're in a job, you should try and at least make the effort. I mean, the immediate pattern off of it's not my fault. So, for example, the other night, a train was late 40 minutes from Bath.

I got in way later. That meant it was much more difficult for me to get home. And when I just sort of said to the ticket inspector, he went, it's not my fault. It was like, that's an immediate, yeah, I know you're not the manager of the train company. That's why you're walking up and down. Get Richard Branson on the phone.

That's why you're walking up and down, checking my tickets. Because if a train manager did that, hell, he is so dedicated to that train company. To make sure no one's bumping fair play to him. Or her. But it's just an immediate pattern off on the customer. It's an immediate, like, I don't have to deal with this. And I'm getting out of it. Do you know, it was really refreshing the other day.

I was on the phone and I was changing over a crew to go to Liverpool and the train was due at, say, fucking half past and then it got delayed at 6.40, right?

And then there was a 6.42 train going to Manchester. But it ended up, that one came first before mine, so I knew the next train was my train to Liverpool

but the next train that arrived was the train to Manchester but I just assumed that my train was first so I just got on train was my train Liverpool but the next train that arrived was the train to Manchester but I just assumed that my train was first so I just got on that train right and then as it pulls away

this is the train to Manchester Piccadilly calling and I was like oh fuck so I just sat there and said what else can you do I'm going to get to Manchester

and then I've got nowhere to kill so I'll get to Liverpool and then the conductor came and started getting the tickets I explained to him what happened and he just went

oh we'll just we'll get your ticket well I'll write your ticket out now we'll print it out on this particular paper and I'll sign it and put the code on and he got us a free ticket

from Manchester to Liverpool and it made me snap and think oh you can do that you can be decent yeah he didn't have to slap me with a fine he listened to my situation

understood my situation dealt with my situation with like initiative but that's what charm that's his job that's what he should be doing because you've you they've delayed the train in my opinion that they've delayed the train but his train was on time yeah the other train the other train they've messed up by delaying the train so you've made the mistake yeah if their train had been on time you wouldn't have made the mistake but isn't it weird how like it's the shock that he'd done the nice yeah it shouldn't be a shock but that's also i find that's a very and somewhere i've always found that's a northern thing where people were more likely to help you out but even like even though it wasn't over and i i mean i'm no i was still shocked by it but it wasn't it is yeah people are more polite and more

understandable probably got their own struggle too right because the tail wags the dog but the other people in the carriage because they're pretty busy I was in the vestibule and it was like

it was pretty packed like everybody was just like that was so nice right everyone was so pleased with that I was just like

that dude ain't gonna be a fucking train he's not gonna be on that train for long he's gonna be destined for a better job yeah because he dealt with something dynamically he's got people skills yeah he's got people skills be on that train for long he's going to be destined for a better job because he dealt with something dynamically

he's got people skills you're going to claim out so when you see somebody, it's not my fault you've got a lot more shifts before you get out of this I'm not advocating this but do you know when you see them signs in a train station and it's like

please don't abuse our staff it's like your staff don't abuse our staff and it's like i will your staff shouldn't be getting rude yeah because if i worked in a job like that and i know people are going to be getting on pissed pissed up and stuff when people have had alcohol in them they change and uh if i worked in a job like that and people and you're gonna you're gonna be like well i'm the ticket inspector so what i say goes nah bro not not when someone's had a few Jager bombs. Yeah. I just want to say as well,

no disrespect to people's jobs. No, I'm the ticket inspector. I've worked in some shitty jobs, cleaning aeroplanes, fucking toilets, and I work in factories for low, low money, working long hours in factory conveyer belts and shit. And you just say, I know what it's like to not want to be there but you you you've got to be good at what you're doing otherwise

why are you doing it get over there yeah but just do it i think we're going around circles as well and we're running a short time so that i'm going to put that in the people that uh so it's not my fault when they're representative of the company yeah yeah it's yeah It's probably me being a dick more than anything on that one. Yeah, when I worked at the legislature centre, we had this thing where, because it was the council, right? Like, not that it ever really happened. If someone come up to me and went,

the streetlights went off. I was a lifeguard, right? And if someone come up and went, the streetlights went off on your street, right? I had to take a small bit of ownership of that and find them the right channel of how to get the streetlights sorted. So instead of me just going,

you're talking to me for a mug, I'm a lifeguard. I'm not going to fix your light. I've got internal channels where I can find out the person that's going to fix the light, give them the number. It's mainly just being a nice person.

And maybe it's they were training as well. Maybe they're not informed of that shit. I wouldn't have known to do that about the street light unless I was spending an hour getting taught of etiquette within the job. So maybe it's who knows muggles a lot of them um i'm gonna put one in real quick let's try and cover this uh muggles talk to you when you have headphones on i'm not sure if i've put this in before i think me and danny have definitely talked about it before

definitely um i told you on the way here about my incident with the drunk guy yeah I had headphones he asked you for a light he asked me because he'd asked a few times I had my Bose headphones oh please

which you bought because of this podcast which I bought because of Muggins and Bad Boy Muay Thai Fighter on the road

that's what the podcast is called milk and yeah he'd asked a few times and I didn't hear so then he was sort of in my face so I went

oh yeah sorry mate hand him the lighter and then er what was it he said he was like yeah I was asking you there for ages I was like alright man I gave you the lighter

and as he walked off he went you're a fucking melt and started yelling at me I yelled a few things back you got mugged right off there mate yeah got mugged right off but er people

when people I had headphones in that's the point I'm making there I he shouldn't have been in my face things back you know right off there mate yeah right off but people when people like i had headphones in that's the point i'm making there i he shouldn't have been in my face interrupted me i've had people like asking for directions when i've got my headphones on when there's other people around and i'm like what made you choose the person with headphones on like because i like i consider that as like the word like when i go out and i'm going somewhere and i put my headphones on that is me being alone. I have chose to be alone, right?

And yes, the streets are busy. There's other people around. But as far as I'm going, I feel like I'm giving a fucking visual signal that I'm not open for interaction. I'm not an interactive human being right now. Yet people still, like, come up to me and try and, like, fucking sell you charity shit on the street. People come up and try and ask for directions.

No, I know exactly what you mean. No, you're not. When I put my music on or a podcast or whatever it is I want to listen to, I'm doing that because travelling is fucking boring. And I found a way to alleviate a load of that boredom. And in alleviating that boredom, one of them doesn't involve a conversation. I've chose to do this, and you've come up and interrupted it.

It's like interrupting a conversation. If you saw two people on the street having a chat, you wouldn't just run up and suddenly just... Yeah, and half the time, I'm listening to a podcast or a book or something like that. It's not just like I've got fucking music on, just like fucking vibes going on. I'm actually engrossed in something

and then all of a sudden I'm with someone else but I know one thing right now is Daniel is fucking so annoyed because I've done this to him tons on tour

oh no it's absolutely fine if you do it to Daniel Sloss absolutely fine so yeah can we put that in you're a muggle yeah absolutely

if you don't respect somebody's privacy when they're listening to something unless it's Daniel Sloss you go in the corner for 30 seconds what I hope happens now is someone who listens You're a muggle. Yeah, absolutely. If you don't respect somebody's privacy when they're listening to something, unless it's Daniel Sloss, you go in the corner for 30 seconds. What I hope happens now is someone who listens to the podcast

has sat across from you on a train one day and you drop your wallet while you've got your headphones in and you get up to leave and they just go, can't interrupt him. Nah. Because it's busy.

All right, let's wrap this shit up by sticking some shit to our dads. Little plugs. We're both going to be up in Scotland so you can choose between me or you me and Gareth you and Gareth

G-Tip War are going to be at the Edinburgh stand yep Thursday, Friday, Saturday Thursday, Friday, Saturday coming up this week

I am going to be in Stirling Stirling and then Glasgow. Stirling on the Friday, Glasgow on the Saturday, Kilted Kangaroo, I think it's called.

So I'm going to be up in Scotland as well. We're both going to stay in Daniel's house and trash his house while he's in LA. Damn right. And yeah, I'm sure we'll speak to you again. I've got next week, if you're in London,

I'm doing a, every month I do a preview at Top Secret, which is what the comedy club's called, where it's just some new stuff some old stuff check my Facebook and Twitter for it you know and uh every month we're running punch drunk comedy gigs in Blythe, Ashington and often Cramlington but not in February but we're going to be on on the 6th and 7th I think the 6th in Blythe is almost sold out so you may they may all be gone by the time we get this but there's still a handful of tickets left

for the 7th in Ashington we've got Tom Stead Carl Hutchinson Matty Reid Wicked line up and also Kai Humphries needs a new maid

to come round and we'll be holding job interviews soon because I'm going to be away but don't tell me it's not your problem if I tell you I'm still finding

pine needles off the Christmas tree in December so Elliot as well I just want to say congratulations on the roast battle it was on TV

it was fucking amazing you battled your dad yeah that's called Decentral if people want to catch up thank you so much you're a sweetie aren't you

it was nice it was really good but while we're talking about your dad oh no your dad eats biscuits and critiques him on his YouTube channel

Ryan Cullens I don't know if our friends do that just for the Your dad eats biscuits and critiques them on his YouTube channel? Ryan Collins. One of our friends does that. He's been on this podcast, Snunky. Has he? Another biscuit episode. He's just eating biscuits, chatting about them. Your dad did an open-top bus parade after he won a game of Fortnite?

Oh my god, you did that? Your dad put an adhesive strip on his nose to play Fiverr side because he worships Robbie Fowler. Do you know Robbie Fowler? This is before your generation. He had the thing that opens his nostrils. Your dad micro-doses acid but hasn't got a dealer

so substitutes it for Lucozade. He has it when he's sick. Your dad got his nipple removed off the NHS because he didn't need them. Your dad keeps writing to the NFL trying to get his Zumba class to be the Super Bowl halftime show. Your dad slides down the stairs

and he's sleeping bag while your mum's at work. Your dad has a court order that he's not allowed to use glue unsupervised. Your dad got a PS4 for Christmas and spent all of Christmas Day playing with a box. The only picture your dad has in his wallet is of the Geordie punching a horse.

He's proud of it. Your dad wears his wristwatch around his skinny neck and always turns up for stuff six hours late because the time's different in the mirror wasn't I that's one of my favourite dad jokes ever your dad doesn't get why they're called cheese strings That's one of my favourite dad jokes ever. Your dad doesn't get why they're called cheese strings.

He just eats them all. Doesn't tear the strips off. He's a savage. Doesn't even take the plastic off. Your dad waxed his car with reed strips? Your dad tried to pop a wheelie on a unicycle? Your dad put two weeks holiday in at work when he found out Friends was on Netflix? He had a blog to write about how offensive it was

Oh my god, snowflake Your dad tried to get sponsored for a walk to the shop Your dad pokes his elbows through the sleeves on his t-shirt Once he's parked in the disabled bay at Asda He does his entire grocery shop was a double amputee you've got some great ones today your dad

checked himself in a rehab for second hand smoke addiction your dad nips his foreskin tight when he goes for a piss and he only lets go

when it starts to hurt your dad rollerbladed down the aisle on his wedding day he's had a colourful life Kev what are you like ladies and gentlemen thank you for listening to our podcast

please tell your friends share it on Facebook rate it on iTunes and come back next week we love you lots you hang up