Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.23 The Drought is Over

Episode Date: February 5, 2018

Recorded in Creams house without Cream, Muggins is joined by Elliot Steel who has a fresh glow from ending his drought and Gareth G-Tip Waugh who is also glowing because he's ginger. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, Muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

One for muggins, two for cream, one for a G-tip, one for a milk. This is Sloss and Humphries on the road with Kai Humphries, not Sloss. I've got two guests here. I've got G-tip and I've got milk, which is Gareth Waugh and Elliot Steele. Hello. Hello. Is his nickname Milk? We'll call him Milk. Huh? Because he wanted to have the nickname Bad Boy Muay Thai Fighter. War in Elliott Steel. Hello. Hello. Is his nickname Milk? Oh,

called him Milk. Because he wanted to have the nickname Bad Boy Muay Thai

Fighter. Oh, this one is like low-fat cream, so called Milk. So this is

the Sloss Numbers on the Road podcast. Sloss is in LA, so we are doing the

podcast in his absence. We are not sponsored by Bose headphones, but by ourselves.

A set of QC35s from any good bookstore. Anywhere, Bose headphones if you just want to get in contact anytime, we're doing a lot for the podcast we should hire a little plane

with one of those little banners shut up Elliot you've got some news don't you here we go I do I made a lovely burrito last night if you know what I mean it's over isn't it I made a lovely burrito last night. If you know what I mean.

The drought is over, isn't it? Ah, yeah. Yeah. It's good to be on with Gareth. When one drought ends, another drought begins. Aye, fucking Cape Town, we're worried for you. They've started a benefit. There's a benefit.

I've freaking started a fucking rock concert. They were in big June, was this? To raise money for you and prostitutes. You fucked a hooker. It wasn't a hooker. No. Just looked like one. That's not fair.

That's not fair. Pretty good. We're all up in Edinburgh For various causes You're up in Edinburgh Because you live here Aye Well aye I'm gigging here as well

Very good reason to be here Me and Mr Steel Are doing the Edinburgh stand This weekend He's at the Edinburgh stand Stars aligned By all accounts And I've just been doing

Some gigs around Albany, Edinburgh So we're trashing Danny's house We're in there now We're in Daniel's house now We've tried to trash and it

looks better it was funny you said Elliot was saying what did he say to you keep it tidy or something

oh yeah he was like just make sure you keep it tidy find it in a state you find it all of that stuff and I walked in

and I went I mean you don't want me to leave it like this what he really means is could you tidy my house while you're there? Oh, man, there's just bits all over the floor.

It's a bit of a mistake. Danny, sort it out. He doesn't listen to the podcast when I'm on it, so... Yeah, but he's going to. Fuck you, Danny. Fuck you, Danny. Fuck you, Danny. Oh, no, he will, because you're...

Oh, I love you, Danny. I'm going out to visit him next week. Are you? Yeah, I'm going to LA. Just because he's fucking doing some big show that we can't talk about. Yeah. He's just, shh, shh, shh.

I've already said too much. So I'm going to go out and hang out with him and watch his show. And I'm going to probably try and pick up some gigs when I'm there. I'm going to hit up the setlist people and do that. But I was panicked because his fucking passport's got like water damage, wine damage. And I spilled wine on it when I'm there I'm going to hit up the setlist people and do that but I was panicked because my fucking passport has got like

water damage wine damage and I spilled wine on it when I was in Thailand and I've been everywhere with this passport I've been to fucking Australia, Dubai

the fucking European two other works but every now and again there's just some jobsworth cunt who holds us up and gets a second opinion on the smudge

on my photo on my photo page and it's an electronic passport you just scan it through and you go through but there's always someone that just threatens to ruin my day and leave us in the country so because america is america and they're looking for reasons to keep people out i'll be the worst new zealand's quite bad as well for that stuff i remember we went over with tony

woods right and you know you've got like a return ticket when you go to new zealand you're not allowed to just go there on one way yeah so he his ticket said that he was returning on 3009 instead of 2009 which is when we were there and they were like why are you staying here he was like i'm not staying a thousand years it's not happening it's just a mistake what you got planned yeah we got stopped everywhere we went and he was like it's because i'm black and that was it not because you're black it's because your ticket says you're here a thousand years longer and while you're there let us know what's Stacey's mom's like. What's that song?

No, it's totally different. It's a different song? Stacey's mom has got it going on in the air 3000. From McBusted? No, I'm just kidding. I mentioned that song as well, didn't I? That's what happens when you're drug damaged. And so what else?

Yeah, so this passport situation is left us in a pickle well it had left us in a pickle it's resolved now because I had to get the you can't get like a one day turnaround on a passport so you have to get the

one week one when it's damaged you have to send it away and send it back and it's due back on Thursday so I'm I'm in gigs until Thursday and I've got to train back

on Thursday when it's due to arrive and when it's due to arrive somebody needs to be in to sign it but I'm not in to sign it so it's going to bounce it on Thursday when it's due to arrive. And when it's due to arrive, somebody needs to be in to sign it, but I'm not in to sign it, so it's going to bounce. It was going to land and fucking bounce. And I was going to have to chase it all around London on the Friday. I would panic.

Am I going to have it before Sunday? And I need it before Sunday because you need to get your S, that entry visa, or paper chase. You get some good news, like, oh, you're going to LA, and you're like, oh, but I've got loads of fucking admin and panic and worry to do before the good shit happens. Before you can enjoy it, yeah. So I went to hire a car, right?

I went on the rental cars website so I could hire a car so I could bin off my train and just drive back through the night so that I could be there on Thursday morning. But guess what? You need your fucking passport to rent a car. Fucking, what about LA? It's a one-day turnaround thing just to stop, like, shenanigans. Like, I don't know, terrorists or whatever.

I don't know. It's like, I'll wait five days before you do it. You're going to hit us. The bomb's on a timer and they're just there panicking. Can I do it any faster? I'm just pacing around. The passport office ticket. So, yeah, I'm fucking panicking about how I'm gonna do it right now i'm saying to danik and

like it's his cause on the drive and i'm like can i nick your car and it was like um i don't know if i can get you on the insurance when i'm abroad like maybe he could make a phone call be stuck on the line or whatever but he's like just just risk it i was gonna risk using his car without insurance to get all the way down to london and then uh natalie just sent us a picture of my passport this morning so it arrived this morning so it's on and I've just done my travel visa

I'm going to LA so if anyone one person was coming to my Leicester Comedy Festival show and so one individual ticket send them to me are you going to be

at Leicester aye oh yeah when 20th of February 20th of February is that the date no so the one person

because it's like one person buying a ticket right it seems kind of strange they can have it for free

that one person bought a ticket so I'm assuming they're a fan right I'm assuming if this one person went out to buy a ticket

with no other tickets right they possibly listened to the podcast if you are listening to this and it is you please get in touch

I'm dead sorry that I'm not going to be doing my show and you wouldn't have been alone I would have done a little promotional push beforehand but come to Gareth my show and you wouldn't have been alone I would have done a little promotional

push beforehand but come to Gareth's show come to JTip's show for free we'll look after you if you want to come to any of the gigs

that I do in Nottingham I run Punch Drunks in Nottingham which is just around the corner look us up and don't listeners

don't pretend you're that guy it would make 700 and you get in touch like fucking because this gets about 1200 listeners per episode imagine all 700 and you get in touch like fucking because this gets about 1200 listeners per episode

imagine all of them just getting in touch oh yeah that was me on your last documentary show I should have a fucking bigger venue so yeah

it's a shame I think me and Mickey are doing a joint one so they can come to that oh nice I think we're doing a bunch of joint stuff in Jestival this year

yeah yeah that's good in the North East it's going to be me you, Mickey Bartlett Mark Nelson is Mickey doing it and Sloss joint stuff in Jestival this year. Yeah, yeah. That's good. In the North East, there's going to be me, you, Mickey Bartlett, Mark Nelson. Is Mickey doing it? I think Dan is as well. And Sloss is doing it.

Yeah. Jestival this year is in the summer. We're all going to be down fucking putting out all my new material. We're doing our plugs already. I know, yeah. Are you playing on your phone? I'm just looking at the date to see when Jestival was. Oh, yeah.

That's all right. I just thought you'd lost interest in the podcast so we were going to do Escape Room today we're actually going to do Snowball Head Grand Designs

on how we're going to spend our time in Edinburgh we fucked up last night we fucked up so you left right because we were having a couple of drinks right yeah it was nothing

too heavy because I think I left about two two o'clock yeah because I arrived late because I'd come from Stirling

so I picked us up from the stand we were sat at the back of the stand until about one as well but I was at the car

so I got back and it's like fucking so about two o'clock right you left shortly after two and then I was

about to go out to bed and Elliot was like oh come on have another fucking glass of gin and I was like I'm not going to

stop until seven in the morning I was like I'll have another glass of gin with was like I'm not going to stop until 7 in the morning I was like I'll have another glass of gin next week now it's 7 in the morning so the wheels

come off the bus you left at the wrong time and that's how my drought ended aye it was me it was me you got made

come and spill a circle you're right I do look like a whore I looked at escape rooms they're so popular now they couldn't get any booked yeah on a weekend I didn't think we'd get booked

at that short notice but they all fucking got booked and then we were like ready to go up to Glenshee and do some boarding and then we were like nah that's not doing it that's out of the house

for most of the day I've only got my jeans as well I haven't fancy snowboarded with jeans on you could get salpettes up do they hire out the gear or not what is an escape room

you don't know what an escape room is I see them about but it's not something that really has ever interested me you just stay you get locked in a room

and you've got to figure your way out I do that a lot of times yeah you wake up in them unlocked room so so you've got to you're basically

put in a room and there'll be like various things around the room like little artifacts and clues and levers and switches and like they're usually themed like we've done this one that was a world war ii bunker and you get put in this uh this little tiny little fucking like um bomb shelter and you get sent in with oxygen masks on and shit right and there's a coded lock on the door but you start looking around the bomb shelter and you realize there's like fucking something carved into the um into the wood there's something written on the inside of the gas masks and you just start putting clues together you realize that there's a coded box up there so you figure out the code for that and that's got the

key in it for a different lock and then you come out of the bomb shelter and you're in like this like fucking war room with like maps on the wall and posters and like locked shit and you just have to figure it out and eventually it's just a treasure hunt really yeah but they do treasure hunt as a kid

like an easter egg hunt yeah they do like a really creative version of that and then you end up with a final key that opens the door and lets you out

yeah when I first got told about them somebody was like it's a bit like the movie Saw I was like I'm not up for it there's a little bit

there's a key inside you oh no I think I mentioned this in the podcast this is 20 quid you've got you're cutting out your own pancreas

just to get on the scoreboard yeah I think I think I'd be awful at that yeah you really would be I really think I'd be terrible you'd be fucking awful

I'd give up as well literally I think you'd just spend the whole hour just walking into a wall yeah just walking into a guy this isn't working and then it would

be a secret exit and I'd somehow end up being the person who gets on the main scoreboard nah you're a dreamer

that would never be you good you want to lose us Elliot you'd be one of the people that they have there

that have the reason to say don't smash everything up don't break anything that's because people like you

go and fucking start kicking down doors if it's pinned down lose up reason to say don't smash everything up don't break anything that's because people like you don't fucking start kicking down doors if it's pinned down it does have to be kicked down

it could be part of it so we didn't go snowboarding we've done nothing all day basically so what do you

talk about on a day where you've done nothing I don't know I wouldn't say nothing what did you do today, Gareth? We tried to get Tom Horton

some views on his social media. Oh, this has been killing me. If you haven't already, if you haven't seen this already on Facebook, check our... Did you share it, Elliot? No. No, we haven't shared it. Go on. It's on Tom Horton's... Fuck, how will people find it? Yeah. How will they find it unless we tag them in?

So Tom Horton, who's been on the podcast before and he's, you might know him from such things as Love Island. Was it Love Island? First dates. First dates. First dates.

He was on first dates and he's a fucking, he's just a fucking legend. He's one of our good buddies. And he, he tries to have like social media output, which comedians should.

We should have a work ethic where we put what creation's online. But he sprays everything. He sprays wild, right? He'll do some good stuff, but there's one thing that he did was the song Controller by Drake. Yeah.

But he changed the words and he's singing himself and recording himself in a studio. He rented a studio and put himself through autotune. He rented a studio? He rented a studio. I fucking... He rented a studio. He crowdfunded it. a studio rented a studio he rented a studio crowdfunded it

it didn't even sound that good he crowdfunded it fuck off some of this might be slander he hired an orchestra

but he went straight for the instrumental he went and recorded in his own time fat controller but like

controller but fat controller remember off Thomas the Tank Engine one of the lines is mine they're gap gap gap In his own time, Fat Controller, but like controller, but Fat Controller, remember off Thomas the Tank Engine? One of the lines is mine, the gap, gap, gap, gap. That's one of the lines in the song. And he's like, Percy will die for you. So Handel will cry for you. Percy and Rusty too.

Fucking put it on. Get it up on your phone. Get it up on the phone. We're going to have a three-minute section where you listen to Tom Hortons. It's like 40 seconds is it 40 seconds good it feels like hours

I'll try and stay quiet on this because I've got previous son recording shocks this is the thing right when you revealed

the J-Tip in Killer Funk all girl track which is also brilliant right you wore that as armour you put this forward

going oh my god when I was 16 I'd done a rap here and there. If we discovered that. I'd be dead. I mean, we'd kill you for it anyway but if we discovered that

and still be here. But that was like when you were 16. This is a fairly recent creation like in the last two years from Tom Horton that he put out with pride.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck, I'm going to love this. I'm going to love it. It was one of them things I reckon why I was making it was going, well, I'm going to go to bed and wake up and this will have gone viral. Yeah, waiting for the paparazzi outside the Tower of London. Logan Paul's video was less offensive.

Logan Paul, if you don't know, is the one that did a video log while someone was hanging from a tree. Right. I don't know how it's going to sound from my phone. Put on speakerphone if we can hear it. I can hear it. I'm going to go. down to you and you won't let him fall through the gap and the gap and the gap Gordon would

lie for you Carrot would die for you Sir Hamble would cry for you Percy and Rusty too Fat Controller

Fat Controller Fat Controller Fat Controller and it's got a music video too what you're missing out on here is he's like he's photoshopped Drake's face

onto Thomas the Tank Engine's face and he didn't even crack the joke Drake's on a train he didn't even get on there it was there it was there for the ticket so

oh man share it I'll share it I'll share it on Twitter I'll tell you what I could do I could do a I could do a phone recording of it on a

do you record a thing no but it why don't we share it when the podcast comes out yeah we'll share it when the podcast comes out we'll share it

I'll maybe just put it on Twitter and you can you can search for me Twitter feed you can find it but fuck me we have had the most fun just sitting there

with a hangover just tagging random shit in just tagging in like i tagged the edl i tagged jeremy corbin i tagged in grinstead's pasties i think i did sony bmg music did it i had labels both headphones i tagged in bruce does millions so just have fun find it right I'll link the Facebook video find it

and just go through just tagging random shit in it went up by about a thousand views yesterday because all the shit we kept tagging in it it's got like one and a half thousand views

it was on 500 until yesterday oh man so yes we'll do some we'll do some Muggle Corners we're going to do one each this is going to

probably be a fairly short podcast because we've all got gigs to go to and we're left a little bit late, we'll do some muggle corners. We're going to do one each. This is going to probably be a fairly short podcast because we've all got gigs to go to and we're left a little bit late. We've been so unorganised in a day where we've done absolutely nothing. Oh, we had grand designs and it's such a shame that we didn't pull any off, but I've had a great time in your company, boys.

What the fuck is this? Did you do that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Are you just discovering that now? Yeah. What's happened? So last night at the stand,

Gareth left his phone in the green room and I just went and took thousands of pictures on it while walking around the green room. Oh, classic. I just phoned one of his fucking stomach on my phone. What the fuck is that? So, do you know when... Sloss used to do it to me all the time, right?

He's looking through the photos now, guys. He's just looking through the millions of photos on his phone is it has he popped them like one after the other yeah right so this is what you do yeah yeah so he's got his body out he's fucking yeah so uh that one there i went outside of the group you know in between like the green room and you walk through a door there's a room and then you walk through another door and you're into the green room but from one of the rooms you can see into the room at the other door when i was taking one where i was getting my stomach out some of the audience saw me and i'd just been on oh so there you are just flexing taking a photo in the mirror they just thought you were taking body

pics i was taking body pics what a mug um so daddy used to do that to me all the time where you just get it and just fucking pop a million photos and he's pulling faces and going around the room but what you can do is when you upload them onto your computer you know when you

put them on iPhoto if you start at the first one and then press the right arrow and hold it down it'll flick through them real quick

and it turns into a flick book video then in video you have screen so where he's just got random photos of him pulling faces what you actually get is a video of him,

like, gurning, and pulling, like, moving close and far away, so he just looks like a proper tool, and you end up doing that, and just fucking catching a video of him,

just fucking, fun was had. So we're going to, we're going to stick it to some muggles, if you're tuning into the podcast for the first time, go back and do your research it to some muggles. If you're tuning in to the podcast for the first time, go back and do your research. Hey, muggles, this is... I'm going to put one in from Lucas Kubis on Twitter

who said, muggles who count their steps. And I've seen these people just walking along like, 79, 70, 10. Yeah. I forgot what that was 79 80 80

no he clearly means people with pedometers and like where you can get home and go oh look at that

I've done 13,000 steps today yeah it's so weird because I've seen people that go extra and then they'll go oh I've only done

9,000 today I better go do some walking what for just make up another day today I better go do some walking I'm like what for just make up another day just fucking date her just do some sit ups

I've seen people genuinely disappointed when they've forgot their Fitbit or something they're like oh I'm not going to record my steps like people get

dead fucked up they're like oh it doesn't count now and you know what it sets it up for like comedians to do really shit jokes about it as well

like I've heard that a million times have you heard that and you know what it sets it up for like comedians to do really shit jokes about it as well like Pedometer is that measure where pedos are like I've heard that a million times have you heard that all weekend he's been doing that

mate I've seen him in fucking seven good comics too like I he just said seven good comics too like you did

let me just say what that sounds like there you just sound it sounds like we throw Gareth under the bus there and then you went, oh, don't worry, I've seen good comedy through it as well.

No, but I think a fucking while back, I think I saw Tom Bin's date, and obviously he's original thought and he's done it, but all of you are coming up with the fucking same idea because it's there. I didn't even come up with it. It was a mate, it was a guy I went to college with where he was looking at my phone and he went,

what's Pedometer? And I just went, oh, no. And so I ripped him on it I do yeah I feel like every comedian has stumbled across pedometer and does it

and I'm just like oh you're not alone with that thought I forget actually because I've seen that many people do it I totally forgot you did it but I remember

seeing you do it and going and another one thanks for telling me on a podcast and while I'm here do you do the thing about like

wanking and it measures your steps because you're wanking with a Fitbit on because that is another one that a million and one comedians have

put on their wanking hand and all of a sudden they've done like an extra 10,000 steps that's like it's just there

Larry Dean's got a good twist on that one actually where he's like I like my Fitbit man but see if I wear it on my right hand

I do 10,000 steps but if I wear it on my left hand I get cum on it oh yes get in larry dean for fucking noticing that it's a common like commonly trotted their like routine and put his own twist because that's a that's a good awareness that like oh fucking every comic's talking going on going down that road it's weird i've done the pedometer thing this weekend actually because i

did drop it for a bit you You dropped it at the knee? After that? You'll never be able to do it without me in your head now, that's the thing. No, but I said it to you last night, didn't I? We were talking about it yesterday. Fuck, I can't believe I did that fucking bit. I just panicked, and it's the first one that came to my head. Yeah.

Oh, that's funny. That's funny, because you would have probably just done it without any worry. But now, you'll never be able to do it without me in your head. Well, no, I'll just never do it again. I be able to do it without me in your head. Well, no, I'll just never do it again. I'm going to do it tonight. Your bit.

Yeah, do it. You already do that? No, no, no. I went to both of your shows at the Fringe, right? One day after the other and I had to watch the same fucking seven minute

routine word for word to bury it. Ah, well, not really word for word. It's not quite easy. We both. It didn't have a punchline. Oh, fuck off.

So the routine is basically about... And I'm guessing, right, that you've had it for the longest because... No, I... No, physically, it couldn't... Shall I tell you why? So I used to have a routine about not being served... About not being served about not being served

paracetamol and the joke was Elliot I'm going to have to give the listeners context they need to know what the routine is so the routine is that he's going in to get beers for a party to bring to a house party and there's a

group of young kids outside that are asking pass us by if they'll get their booze so you both take the kids's cash go into the shop and then you both get rejected because you don't have id and then you have to uh you have to come back and tell the kids that you couldn't get served and you also don't have beer but then what gareth does is puts a punchline on where he waits outside with the kids asking other passers-by if they can go in and get your beer. But my routine actually happened to me.

But this is why I was saying Gareth's... This is why I was saying that Gareth's must have come first because for him to do that story like now it wouldn't work because he's a 27-year-old dude with a beard. So it must have happened when you were like 14

no it happened to me when you were 13 or 14 it happened to me when I was walking back from Tuesday football one time some kids asked me to go in and get them a bottle

of white ace and I went yeah went in and realised I didn't have my ID with me and didn't get served and that's the thing when it's a true story as well

I'm going to jump into defence now when it's a true story if it happened to you it's yours like I remember I put a story online about when

I fucking I was having a wank in this house when I lived with happened to you it's yours like i remember um i put it i put a story online about when uh i fucking um i was having a wanker in this house when i lived with daniel gene and i had the fucking bluetooth speaker connected to my ipad and i didn't know why my ipad i didn't have sound coming out but the whole time fucking daniel gene i listened to all the porn coming through it's in the kitchen where i've been cooking they can just hear fucking screaming coming in the kitchen so i like i just put that story online just this has just happened to me and um and somebody come on and went i've got a routine about that just so you know i was like ah cool but like that's something that happened in my life you

can never stop telling that story like if we're ever on the same bill let's discuss it but that's that's like an actual anecdote from my life i'm not going to be like oh somebody's got a similar anecdote. Oh, well, I guess you can't tell it. Yeah, because I feel the same way about... Because I'll do the rap song at this fringe and everyone keeps telling me Joel Domet wrote a rap song when he was younger.

Yeah. Joel Domet invented rap, so no one else can do it. Well, I had heard that, but I perfected it. Yeah, you're like the Facebook to the MySpace. So while we were talking about Muggles

pedometers yeah see I think that because I mean I got a heart rate monitor for when I was

trying to get a six pack because apparently like if you keep your heart rate between a certain level so like you're not running

too fast but you're going into certain levels so your heart rate's there so you're collecting this data for but you're going into certain levels so your heart rate's there so you're collecting this data for a specific reason and I always like hate putting people

in muggle corner when they're just trying to better themselves and trying to improve themselves especially physically but I don't think

but that thirst for data is really muggly because your phone doesn't know like almost like it does it itself without you even

doing anything so folk will just look at it and go oh oh, I've done 8,000 steps. Like, they're not going, oh, I need to do some more steps tomorrow. What about then, like, the other one that I always see is people will put where they've run, they'll have, like, a thing that tracks their run. And have you seen this? They'll put that up on Facebook. Yeah.

I think that's kind of muggly. It is kind of muggly, but it's their own form of motivation. They feel like they've done something and they want a bit more reward for it so they try and put it on Facebook

for a bit of validation it is muggly though I do stuff like that all the time you're fucking weird Mai Tai you couldn't do Mai Tai peacefully

oh by the way Danny if you are listening smashed my thigh today you didn't? you got up at fucking three in the afternoon you went and had a fucking you know. You didn't? You got up at fucking three in the afternoon? You went and had a fucking...

You know what he ordered, right? We're at the Roseburn Cafe this morning, this afternoon, right? I panicked. You panic ordered, right? So he asked me what I wanted. I was like, I'll have the ham and mushroom omelette, please, with salad and beans. And then he went, I'll have potatoes, corn and chips.

Shut up. I'm really panicked. Me and the waiters looked at him and went, they wouldn't let me order it. Like, nah, nah, you're not. Gila Ken. And he was like, I'll have a Scottish breakfast. And the waiters were like, yeah, that's fine.

I always panic in those, I really panic when it comes to ordering though. Because he asked what a potato scone was first as well. And I was just like, it's just like a pancake of potatoes. You said it was nice. Flat potatoes, nice. I was like, oh, that's nice. With chips.

It's like waffles and chips. But chips are my favourite thing. I love them. And the chips isn't an issue. It's the fact that you're getting it with your potato. I had potato with me. What's wrong with having, what's having wrong with two potatoes?

Honestly, I'm not buffing my guns in your mouth, right? You didn't say that last night. Within reason. Within reason. I'm not bothered what you'd put, like, I knew you didn't want that order. I knew that order would arrive

and you'd be like, what have I done? Irish breakfast. Potato, potato. Yeah, but it's just, it's just fucking, potatoes like magic, isn't it? You can just do loads with it. Keep talking. It's just, it's just it's just fucking potatoes like magic isn't it you can

just do loads with it keep talking it's just it's just like there's a reason it's been like so popular for as long as it is you think about all different foods like fucking el quinoa is not going to be popular forever but potatoes like made it through all of the things keep going no but you always do this you always let me swim out in deep water and then don't come and help me with a bit. You've got to learn. But all of these things, you know, potato... He's put the mic down. But look, there's people listening and they'll agree with me,

but they just don't make themselves known because I sound dumb, but they're agreeing with me. Is there a moment to get them on board? Tell them, be a potato. Listen, we all need to just rise up and fucking, like fucking get on board, start ordering all the potatoes in places

and just be like, it's good. You can fry a potato. You can boil a potato. You can mash a potato. They're awfully versatile. Yeah. Eggs, bangers, bacon, burgers. Do you have a triple threat?

Stop. Stop, I tell you. A triple threat. There's unlimited uses to them. They're a triple threat. Stop that. Triple threat. There's unlimited uses to them. They're a triple threat.

Oh, my God. So, these pedometer data need pseudo-workout people need stopping by just having 30 seconds in Muggle Corner. Walk on the spot. Yeah, I think so. See if you can get 30 items on your pedometer while you're in the corner. Quick watch. I'll put them in? Yeah, I think so. See if you can get 30 items on your... 30 items? 30 units on your pedometer while you're in the corner. Quick watch.

I'll put them in? Yeah. So what have you guys got? Okay. I went with muggles put their bags on seats on busy trains. Oh, I fucking hate them.

And I've got... I take the bag off. I've done that before. I've taken someone's bag down and just been like, who the fuck do you think you are? That your bag deserves a seat more that before I've taken someone's bag down and just been like who the fuck do you think you are that your bag

deserves a seat more than another human being it's a bag it's protecting things you don't say that there though you feel it and you let them know you feel it

I've moved a bag before I moved someone's legs the other day on the tube somebody had their fucking feet up on the tube they were just like sat like so they didn't have

the soles of their feet on the thing because that would have been a different level of obnoxious right like you're fucking but you were just sat sat like not so they didn't have the soles of their feet on the thing because that would have been like a different level of obnoxious right like you're fucking but you just sat like fucking squint

like his legs beside him but taking up two seats on a full tube and I just fucking come and just bash his legs out the way just tap his heels and he just moved

straight away and I just sat there like fucking kind of willing him to say something yeah like challenges but it's

it's it's obnoxious and you get it more so in London yeah definitely it's the worst it's the worst thing I hate it

but I because I always think with the feet on the seat thing as long as the train's not busy I don't really give a fuck if people put their

those seats have been through it all do you know what I mean but so whatever and I'll put my feet up on the seat like I'm not going to be a

hypocrite but i'll um the bag thing once on a train as well once the train's moving i'll like i'll sometimes take me back because i'll have me bagging my foot well instead of on the rack above because i want to get my switch out of it or my charger if i need it and shit so i'll keep it there but as soon as the train moves i'll put it in the bag next to us i'll sometimes even flap down the tray and use that to keep my ipad on when I'm not using it and I'll use that space but as soon as we pull into another station I like

compact in and stick to my space in case that's someone's reserved seats or just anyone without a reservation needs it. In London people

started fucking spitting on the seat next to them. That was a thing. I remember hearing that in the news. People were fucking gremming on the seat

next to them so people would look at him and go in and not move. That is a fucking next level. I don't know how true that is. That's not even muggly. I don't even know how true that is.

That is you're a bad bellend. I don't know how true that is. The weirdest thing I ever saw like on a seat on a tube was I walked on and it was just some anchovies and a can of special brew. Where were they going?

Don't know. I didn't ask. Did you check the ticket? Bestial fish, the anchovy, right? Oh, yeah. Boil them. Buy them. Triple threat.

The potato of the sea. Elliot Steele, anchovies, the potato of the sea, quote unquote. You know what? Even though I'm saying like I don't know if putting your bag on the seat next to you

on a busy train is muggly I don't think it's muggly I think you're being a dick no I tell you I think you're being rude and I tell you why I tell you why

I think it's muggly is because if you pull people up on it they'll move it oh sorry I didn't realise which shows which shows that's a lack of self-awareness.

Yeah. I don't necessarily believe it's... So it may not always be intentional. A malicious thing. People will just put their bag on a seat and it's just... It's just bad manners. Just general, like, unaware.

I think it's like the train equivalent. I don't know, maybe if people don't get trains a lot and they just do something, like the same way, you know, driving on a motorway where someone will hog the middle lane. Hog the middle lane. It's like, oh, you don't drive on a lot and they just do something like the same way you know driving on a motorway where someone will hog the middle lane it's like oh you don't drive on a motorway yeah or somebody who like doesn't fucking indicate on a roundabout or some shit like

it's being obnoxious like yeah i think the thing with muggle corner is that we sometimes whenever i've been on it can turn into room 101 and it's like i don't like that thing rather than it being muggly where that is annoying and rude but I don't think it's like live, laugh, love kind of thing do you know what I mean? Oh alright then oh well

Don't be butthurt it's fucking muggly to be butthurt if you're fucking going to get a muggle corner passed I've had potato slagged off today

I've had my muggle corner do you know what I'm going to put in muggle corner? ISIS ISIS are going to get a muggle corner a bunch of muggles

Papa muggles ISIS are bunch of muggles. ISIS are a bunch of muggles. Fucking muggles. Gareth, what have you got? I've not got one, so I'm just going to freeball it. What do you mean? You cut off my Muggle Corner. You've turned it off.

I didn't cut it off. You rushed him to do his dad jokes because we were going to get on with the podcast, but you didn't have a figure. I didn't rush him at all. No point was I saying turned up. I didn't cut off. You rushed him to do his dad jokes because we were getting on the podcast, but you didn't know it. I didn't rush him at all. No point was I saying hurry up. If I had had a more carby breakfast, I think I'd have been more on it today if I'd been allowed to have all the potatoes that I wanted.

You could have had them, but you needed to get something else with it. Didn't let me order your breakfast for you, little bitch. If you changed my breakfast order i'll just be like fuck off i'll just order if you just don't anyway the one thing i was going to say and then as i've said to you the thing's not it's not a muggle it's just a bit annoying the thing i was thinking about was uh when you go to a restaurant and they won't serve you unless you've got a shirt and shoes on that happens or they'll sometimes try and make you wear a jacket.

And sometimes they'll let you... What restaurants do you go to? This doesn't happen to well, I suppose. I've only been to one before where they had that. But Danny Boy does a routine about where he goes to this restaurant and they're like, you need to wear a suit jacket. And he was like, oh, I don't have one. So they give him one and he walks to the table

and then they sit down and they go we'll take the jacket back oh wow that level of yeah that level of fucking oh man I hate any of that fucking real snobby

like it's interesting to say because I was thinking of putting it in Muggle Corner because someone said to me when we were going for breakfast the other day we were going to quite

a sort of gastro place for breakfast I turned up in a Adidas trackie bottoms and like a body warmer and a stone island jumper and someone was going like

oh you're going out to the place dressed like that and I'm like I'm not going for a job interview I'm going for breakfast and I'm hungover I did think it was weird

the first thing you said to me was like would I be alright dressed like this and I was like yeah yeah you got it to me this happened on

on tour I don't know he's probably on the right but when I come out of the gym I had a text off Danny saying I'm going down for this happened on tour, he's probably on the right, but when I come out of the gym, I had a text off Danny saying, I'm going down for lunch in the restaurant, in the hotel in 20 minutes,

if you want to join, and that message was from 20 minutes ago, so I was like, ah fuck it, I'll just go and join him, and I went down in my shorts and t-shirt, I'd been to the gym, like no, I didn't have a sweat on,

because I'd been doing some weights and stuff, and I just sat down, and he was glaring at us, like a fucking mad wife. Like, look, there's nothing to tell me. Like, you're not going to eat dressed like that.

And then the waitress come along, and you could tell she was a bit concerned that I was wearing shorts as well. And I was like, shall we run and get changed? And Daniel was like, yeah. Of course you should get changed.

Ah, that's petty. And I was just like, who the fuck, between Daniel, the waitress, the nobody else in the restaurant, gives a fuck if I eat me fucking dinner with me shorts on? So I guess that's the one I'm saying.

Instead of being that thing, people that are bothered by that, that's ugly. Because that's like, what does it matter? You're eating food. Why are you even looking at that? Civilised. We're civilised. Do you know what's even worse in a restaurant? It's the difference between us and the animals.

The animals eat with their shorts on. Is in a restaurant, when someone the difference between us and the animals. Animals eat with their shorts on. Is in a restaurant when someone puts their bag on the seat in a busy restaurant and you can't get a seat anyway. You can't just sit next to them on their table.

Fucking muggles. I don't mind having to put my square jack on. I don't mind. Hey, here's one. You know, in a bit of a free-for-all restaurant like a cafe or a pret

or like a Costa, I'm calling them restaurants, but like a cafe, right,-for-all uh restaurant like um say a cafe or a pret or like a costa of calum restaurants but like a cafe right where there's a table for four and there's one person sat at the table for four can you join that table for four yeah yeah yeah i have done that but i always feel a little bit weird and uh muggles are people who will turn up to i think this as well if you turn up to a place and there's just you know because when you're on the road a bit or anyone when you just go into a place get a coffee and you sit a table for four and then like i take three people or four people come in and not be able to get a seat because you've sat there because you haven't got that awareness to just move yourself and that's where you have to bring

out three separate bags and just put them on each seat to stop all those people it's just rude again isn't it no it's not muggly really Elliot I don't think you understand this section I'm joking I'm fucking with you just because your friends come along

just because Gareth's here this week and you're trying to impress him yeah like I haven't reached you in previous weeks for the last few weeks you've had this run on every podcast

you've been coming in I've been doing your chores for you today I did a load of chores around Danny's you didn't fucking help none at all. You did nothing. You did nothing.

I made you a cup of coffee. You've done nothing. I made you a coffee, how we asked for it. Yeah, okay, that's a step up in your personality. But only because we didn't have milk. Oh, I've got milk. Danny's got milk in the fridge for fucking September. Don't try for it.

No, no, no. This isn't about Danny this is about me and you I will settle this off the podcast Danny's got milk in the fridge for September

and I don't think it's the September coming up yeah it's fucking gross I poured out something new I was like there's milk in there

and he was like oh yeah it's out of date and I was like should we get rid of it and you poured some out and then you put it back in the fridge I didn't pick it up I thought you said you poured some out saw that I was thinking and then you put it back in the fridge I didn't pick it up

I thought you said you poured some out saw that I was thinking and then you put it back there is milk here and he went no it's out of date I mean I say that

but I still haven't thrown that out when I lived here I used to do that I would come back from weeks on the way and just throw out all that fucking white

all that white fluffy food that's meant to be like red and smooth tomatoes he doesn't eat tomatoes I'll pick a different one vegetable fruit sorry is the potato a vegetable yeah tomatoes he doesn't eat tomatoes I'll pick a different one they're still vegetables and fruit

sorry is the potato a vegetable yeah yeah but like chips aren't only a five a day are they nah

that wasn't a question nah that was so that was a really stupid statement wasn't it so what constitutes something being a vegetable

and not a fruit I think the fruits grow outside the earth. This is what I think. So a tomato is a fruit because the plant comes out and then the tomato's on the plant, whereas any of you are like carrots, seeing that they're root vegetables.

Broccolis, they come out of the dirt. I think it's something to do with the seeds, isn't it? It's something to do with the seeds as well. I remember I learned about it in school. There's a couple of classifications of what makes a fruit and what makes a vegetable, but I don't. I remember I learned about it in school. There's a couple of classifications of what makes a fruit and what makes a vegetable. But I don't think I'm the brains of the operation there. No, I don't think it's that important.

Thanks for making us all sound stupid now. I see what you did there. It rubs off on people. It should be simple. And as well, I think there's a sugar content in fruit as well, isn't there? Fructose. But you're not going to get any sugar in your vegetables. So that's got to come into play as well.

I'm going to have to spit ball in here. I saw a thing on Facebook the other day and somebody was like, a can of Iron Brews, like three apples or something like that, and they were going on about the sugar content, like apples and grape, and they were like, oh, it's such high, I was like, well, it's natural sugar though. Yeah, you can still become a fat writer of fruit though.

To be politically correct. Could you? still become a fat rider of fruit, though. Aye. To be politically correct. Could you? You can put on weight of fruit. You'd have to eat a lot of fruit. Yeah, they've got quite a high sugar content. If you're eating a lot of bananas and apples and shit like that, you can... Big fatty that can see in the dark well. I read about that recently.

Do you know why carrots can make you see in the dark and shit like that? It's a propaganda from the wolf when we had superior radar capabilities and the

Germans couldn't understand why we could see in the dark when we

just had radar capabilities the British RF started spreading the rumour

that it's because they eat a lot of carrots because there is this thing it's carotene that's of carrots because there is this thing in there it's carotene

that's in carrots which is why they call it carrots can create something that goes to your like a molecule that goes to your eyes which it does but it doesn't make you

see in the dark so like if they didn't look into it they could discover that it actually it is good for your eyes but it doesn't do that specific thing

but it was just to make the fucking Germans just eat loads of carrots for any reason and that's why we won the war I love hearing that, you must know some other propaganda stuff I'll quote my source as well, it's a book called Bad Science yeah we I know they dropped in

bigger condoms like in the airdrops to some places they would drop in bigger condoms like in the airdrops to some places they would drop in bigger condoms over like German towns villages so then they'd all find them and be like oh the British guys

have big dicks really? is that like a legit thing? that's humour man that is some proper humour that is real getting to the pettiness in a ward

that is some good old British humour isn't it just to demoralise them a little bit yeah I remember reading that in there they're going I wish we did have big d there they're going I wish we did have big dicks

in fact they're going to really think we've got big dicks when we're having to marry we should just

drop our normal ones over China oh what a lot of fun so just revisit the muggle corner additional what did you put in

people who I said no shirt no shoes no service I think it's people who get bothered by that in places that care

for dress code bother me a little bit there's a Wetherspoons in Blythe that's trying to even though it's a Wetherspoons it's Blythe's best pubs

which says a lot about Blythe it's actually quite nice it's a fucking look it's an old cinema that's been converted it's at Weller Spoons, it's Blythe's best pubs, which says a lot about Blythe, right? It's actually quite nice. Look, it's an old cinema that's been converted. It's lovely, right? They put in a no tracksuit bottoms policy. I don't know if this is Blanket or Weller Spoons, they're just the one in Blythe,

but they put no tracksuit bottoms, which bugs me sometimes because I'll go straight from Fiverside or straight from the gym or something, and I just want to get an instant meal after training. I'm like, oh, I've got to go home and put my jeans on? Fuck, I might as well just eat at home. It tears me training. And I'm like, oh, I've got to go home and put my jeans on. And fuck, I might as well just eat at home. So it tears me from going when I'm not a sweat. But when you're in a working class town,

when there's a lot of, as the Scottish call, jaykies, neds, chavs kicking around, it actually just puts a little bit of a filter to stop the riffraff getting in. So if there's anybody bumming, I'm saying bumming change on the street. Life doesn't have a homeless problem. I'm not being anti-homeless.

There's just a lot of people who are fucking on drugs who will come up and go, oh, there's 50p because I need to get the bus to the hospital. They're just collecting

their drug money. It's keeping them people from coming into the pub and asking people at their table for 50p. Yeah, I kind of get it. But still,

I find it just, I don't know, it just feels a bit weird all that yeah em I had one it should be initiative

if someone comes in fucking scabs all over their face asking for change kick them cunts out and judge them on their judge them on their threads or they come in

with scabs all over their face but in a shirt you're like huh and you come that's it like if you're fucking

if you're bumming money and fucking robbing people and shit right it doesn't take them too much fucking smarts to go and pull on a pair of jeans yeah That's it. Like if you're fucking bumming money and fucking robbing people and shit, right? It doesn't take them too much fucking smarts to go and pull on a pair of jeans.

Yeah. I just feel dead awkward with all that sort of stuff. Like there was a, we went somewhere and they like put your like napkin on your lap or whatever.

They like do that thing and I did it before they got to do it. I was like, I know, it's alright, I've got it. And everyone was like, what are you being weird about?

I was like, because I can do that. It's fine, I don't want to. I don't need another human to do it for me it just makes me uncomfortable I find stuff like that

really weird as well like getting service I found it strange in Dubai where everybody's running round after you like all these dudes from Singapore and shit like that

who've come over and they're making their earnings there to send home but they're like grabbing your bag and doing everything for you and I just was like I don't want people

doing things for us. Just go and chill, go and play with your phone or something. Yeah, I find the napkin thing weird in a restaurant when people put a napkin on you. That's like an overpopulation thing, isn't it? There's too many people just with too much things to do. Yeah, exactly. Years ago, we all just used to push carts and stuff.

I feel like a proper working class guilt was some stuff as well. I went to this festival of lights, which was brilliant, down in Canary Wharf in London. And it was Natalie's friend who had done a lot of the organisation of it. Like most of the organisation of it, she totally crushed it.

And we got there and we were with her. So she's given me a little tour of our operation. And there's this thing where it's like this big queue and they take a photograph of you, but your photo gets immediately projected onto the wall with lights. And then, but it's like this big queue and they take a photograph of you but your photo gets immediately projected onto the wall with lights and then

but it's like rear projected so you can't get in the way of the shadow but then you can draw on it and shit using lights so you get this

like light pen and you can draw shit and it's just like proper funky as fuck like it's amazing it's like cutting edge of light technology is going on in the city

there's a massive queue of people wanting their photo projected on the wall so they can draw on it and stuff and because we were with the person who ran it we've got a queue jumper but we'll queue jump right in front of their eyes and it wasn't like it wasn't like you've bought the

queue jumper pass so yeah yeah like in a water park and you go past and they're like yeah well they've spent an extra bit of money we just like waltzed in and took the front of the queue and like those two didn't seem to be bothered by it and I just had this like oh but I just wanted to apologise to everyone in the queue just go I'll be quick I'll be real quick about it and such a guilt

some people love that some people love to step in front of the line and go yeah I'm the big I am they just didn't get it have you ever had a runner at a gig

have you ever had like your own runner yeah yeah it's awkward I remember having it once it was years ago and the guy was like can I get anything

what do you need I was like to be honest mate if I need a drink I'll nip out to the bar and get myself a drink it's fine I'm not

I'm alright you can just go watch the show and he was like oh no he wants to do his job he wants to impress so you've got to be careful you don't want to make them obsolete

either but I think with stuff like that with anybody in these services because you do in show business and entertainment

you find yourself in a position where people are in a job to look after you i just think it's your job to just not be rude i think when people are rude in them situations and they're degrading and talk down to people that's when it's like uh that's that's when it throws it up if everyone's just you're equal anyway it's gross uh do the the one that i always find weird is like i don't want to say the name of the person but in uhft Bar one year, the artist bar in Edinburgh there was a party going on and it was your name had to be on a list sort of thing and this person wouldn't let the

wouldn't let them through but it was quite a well known comedian and a person in front of everyone went do you know who I am? and that's like the one whenever you see that you go oh they went there like that is the they went there one oh that's like the one whenever you see that you go oh they went there like that is the they went there one oh that's the worst how could you even say that and not be I don't know you tell

us Gareth why did you say that I'm a big deal he said you ain't gonna name him I'm a big deal in this town there's the pedometer guy so we're gonna we're gonna be the potato guy we're gonna put that in we're gonna put a people who are actually bothered by dress code etiquette are we gonna are we not gonna put bags and i think um i think on a if people have been rude just like you know what i'm ugly you're an asshole but if there's people just putting the bag there because they're just blissfully unaware that they're doing it. I don't think people are doing it as a rudeness thing. That's a level of mugglery, I think. So, yeah, put it with a caveat.

Yeah. I'm just going to do five each because we've got to go. Daniel. Daniel, I know you're listening. Your dad kisses his rosary beads before five is eight shall we tell them how to Daniel yeah

Gareth oh well you've got the mic oh sorry Daniel your dad's never won an ACA Daniel your dad tries to blow

smoke rings after he's ate a spicy curry Daniel Daniel, your dad tries to blow smoke rings after he's ate a spicy curry. Daniel, your dad sleeps with one eye open, both legs open and all of his options open. Daniel, your dad's safe word is your name. Daniel, your dad phoned into work saying he couldn't make it in as he was snowed in with dandruff

you know what my next one is your dad smells of medicated shampoo Daniel your dad tried to join a prison gang after he went on a speed awareness course Daniel when your dad went to the zoo, he got shot with a tranquiliser because he's a munter. Who's he going to hold hands with now?

Lad, Daniel's dad had a moustache when he was a baby. Daniel, your dad plays the harmonica with his eyebrows. Daniel, your dad asks for consent when he gets a wank. Has a wank. he gets a wank has a wank gets a wank it would be weird to get a wank without consent

you could ask yourself Daniel your dad got PTSD from a camping expedition in the Lake District with the TA oh fuck this one was

this isn't going to make any sense Daniel your dad thinks Gav won the boxing match what against me? yeah I was meant to say it to you

but we're doing it more to Daniel oh okay he could have just done it to me he could have went Kai or dad I didn't want to disrupt the theme do it again we'll edit this Kai yeah

your dad thinks Gav won the boxing match we're not going to edit this oh my god Daniel your dad barks in his sleep and yes that is all we have time for because we've all

got to go to our gigs oh could I plug something quickly we're going to do plugs yeah what have you got on Monday I'll be

and every month I do a thing at Top Secret where I just do a new hour of material sometimes other comics will be there as well it's very loose

and it's free and stuff so come along have a watch in London in London in London you're going to do new stuff for Top Secret this weekend Top Secret's a comedy club

by the way when is it I've got one on Monday and then so look if you're London Boundary just follow me on Twitter you can see Elliot on Monday

I'm going to be at the London Comedy Store on Friday and Saturday night and that's got a midnight show as well so you can come at 7 or 11.30 I think that's the times and also Punch Drunk Comedy is going

to be that's this week so it's next weekend, I'm in London the midweek is going to be Punch Drunk Comedy, Tom Stade, Carl Hutchinson, Matt Reid myself and Michael Holford are going to be on at Blythe on Tuesday the 6th and Wednesday the 7th

in Ashington I'm doing Leicester Comedy Festival on the are going to be on at Blythe on Tuesday the 6th and Wednesday the 7th in Ashington. I'm doing Leicester Comedy Festival on the 20th of February and Glasgow Comedy Festival on the 10th of March. Tickets are still available. Oh, yeah, we're both doing Glasgow Comedy Festival. You can see me on Friday and you on Saturday, 7 o'clock. Double whammy. Double whammy.

Glasgow people, you lucky bitches. I have been Muggins. I've been Milk. And I've been GTEP. You hang up.