Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.25 Chess Two
Episode Date: February 13, 2018Muggins and Cream in LA, back together and high as kites on some of that medical marijuana. After a month apart they catch up and Muggins pitches Chess 2 and idea for a belta Adam Sandler movie. ...
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Sloss and Humphreys on the road!
Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream.
That's our intro.
Fuckin' muggles!
Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh.
Woohoo!
Ha ha ha!
They said it can't be done!
Are we in the same seats?
That's hack.
Aww, muggles.
Accidental rim job in the park.
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Or am I just being cynical?
Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia.
Where have you been since 9-11?
This is Sluss and Humphreys on the road
where we have more muggins than a Chinese cream book.
Is it good to have me back?
No, not at all.
Not even back.
It's not like you've come back home.
We are in Los Angeles.
The city of angels.
Loads of angles
look at the window
the windy city
all the buildings
the big apple
the city doesn't sleep
alright
Silicon Valley
alright
the London of Scotland
the bear pit
the bear pit
so as you may or may not
have just already
we have
really good
really good weed
LA weed is fucking great kai's never been to
la before and i obviously have uh we've decided to get some of the perfectly legal and overly
strong marijuana out here and it's uh it's been a good can you tell you can you tell your friend's
joke your friend's joke you're telling us about oh yeah my friend mike mulloy uh definitely follow
him on Twitter
I don't know if I
morally can tell his
joke just go see him
live and he'll do the
joke
it's his joke
we've done it before
where we've talked
about people's
I mean fuck him
what's he going to
do beat me up
maybe you've credited
him you've told people
to follow him
he's got this great
joke where he's
paranoid
you'd be totally
sound with it
you've not met me
Mike beat me
so his joke is
that we went to get
his medical marijuana
medical marijuana
license
he went in
all prepared to be like
so I've got a headache
I don't sleep too well
and I've got eating issues
and they'd be like
alright okay
and do a couple tests
but when Mike actually
walked into the one in Venice
he went
I've got a head
and the guy went
sounds awful sounds awful
sounds awful
you need some weed
but you can get it
on a fucking whim
down here
like it's literally
good idea
what I liked is
you had like
there's a deck of them
like a pack
aye they come pre-rolled
in a little classy wee box
and they had like
matches built into the pack
aye matches my arse
in your face
oh
someone's getting confident
so yeah
we haven't had
back in it either
because we're in America
and they don't do that
so it's just pure
and it's all like
they don't do that here
do they
no
because in the UK
we call them joints
because those are joints
because you join in tobacco
and weed
and over here
is that what a blunt is
is it a blunt
it's a blunt is it a blunt
when it's like cigar paper
aye
well no blunt paper
all paper's blunt
well then why do
paper cuts exist
ah
touche
touche
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touche
touche
touche
touche
touche
touche
touche
touche
touche
touche
touche
touche
touche
touche
touche
touche
touche
touche
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touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche not at all
what happened
to such a
laughy last night
oh no
we can
can we
oh
I've not seen
you in a
fucking month
Frank
we've not done
a podcast
together
in fucking
six weeks
and the first
thing you want
to do
is do
in jokes
every fucking
time
just enjoy
the moment
we had
I did make a cunt hold and he's coming out in a fucking concert And jokes every fucking time. Just enjoy the moment we had.
I did.
Make a cunt hold and his camera went into a fucking concert.
I just... Just a joke.
Just take the phone and then...
We'll enjoy this with half as many returns.
Oh, for real, we've got loads to talk about.
Have you even got topics for us to talk about?
Have you brought your notebook?
Aye.
The fuck's this?
Aye.
Scripted past my notes.
Yeah.
How come you get stage notes?
You've had time to think about what you want to say.
No, it's stories that we
decided we were going to
last night when we were
really high
first things first
em
chess 2
oh yeah
I invented chess 2
because this came from
last night when we
invented
connect
4 2
2 furious
right
so it's basically
when you get 2 connect
4 boards
and you just
For no reason
Put the other one on the top
And
It just makes it taller
Yeah
Not wider
Like it's still as difficult
It's just like Tetris
At some point
You need way more
Yeah
You just play along
Right
And then you reminded me
That you invented a game
Called Chess 2
I wasn't alone
I was with
Nazar's Manilu
And Kieran Boyd
I lie
Of Wit Tank
Name dropper
I am Oh genuinely For Wit Tank Name dropper?
I am Oh genuinely for Wit Tank though
if anyone wants
one of the sketches that made me
laugh the hardest in my fucking life
Rim Me Hardy
is Rim Me Hardy on
I think it's live at BBC
Yeah they've done that thing
They're called Wit Tank
They're called Wit Tank
If you take them in Wit Tank
Rim Me Hardy,
or Admiral Nelson.
Admiral Nelson.
Because it's Admiral Nelson dying in the Battle of Trafalgar.
Aye.
And it's just...
But he's...
Don't...
He's last...
He's last words.
You just ruin everything.
Just let them watch the fucking video.
Let them discover Mike.
Let them have conversations
what are you doing
I did it to my own mother
she talked all the way
through the movie
good job the movie
was shit right
if it was a good movie
I would have been like
but I just thought
you know what
I'm not enjoying Noah
have you seen it
no
oh my god
fucking Russell Crowe
and Hermione
more like Noah thank you
Noah
Noah
Noah
Noah
Noah
Noah
Noah Noah Noah Crowe and Hermione. More like Noah thank you. No one for me please.
No way.
It was gash.
But my mum just kept fucking hiding spoilers.
Has she seen it?
She was live tweeting it.
Oh hey spoilers. Everything but I run enough looking for it.
Sorry this is spoilers for you guys.
You're turning into your fucking mother.
I'll tell you what my mum did now when I stayed at the...
Who's done the litmus test?
Aye, so that was...
I'll tell the podcast listeners that.
My mum has told me to put the curtain all the way to the wall
when I go in the shower so water doesn't come out.
Just so the neighbours can't see anymore.
And stop pressing theipple against the wall.
I was six when I moved into that house.
What?
I was six years old when I moved into 70 Norm Closet.
Oh, sorry, the way you phrased that,
I thought that's when your parents hired you.
They're still living with me.
So you moved from another house?
Yes.
Yeah, yeah.
Because you pitched that house.
You pitched that house.
I just moved in with them.
You just moved in.
You're a flatmate.
They've got a six-year-old fucking tenant in.
They were looking for a lodger.
I just walked in with your previous, your CV,
£300 deposit.
One of them sticks over my shoulder with a fucking bag in.
When did people realise that that was the shit we were carrying stuff?
I think...
No, listen, Dean, one day a fucking homeless dick went and if you're whiting runaway,
you have fucking clothes in the bag, you haven't got the best ideas.
You and I probably made a few bad decisions along the way.
No, but I reckon it's because it's bad when you didn't have much.
And I don't have much.
Put it out.
I love you.
So, sorry, where were we?
Your mum.
I was about to tell something, then I become your mother and don't spoil us.
We're doing Chess 2.
Chess 2.
We'll go back there.
We?
Yeah.
I put all the...
No, sorry, I was being French.
You thought you were being facetious?
I've never been to that part of France.
The region in France. Facet region. The region in France.
Bessie, this is a region in France.
We are so high.
It's brilliant.
So, chest two.
While we're being high, let's talk about chest two.
Me and Alistair's Manly and Kieran Boyd invented chest two.
No pads and pens, though.
People, write this down.
You're going to need it.
It has one extra line on the board.
Okay. In all directions. What is it currently? 8 and 8 yeah so it's 9 and 9
9 and 9 so obviously that means there's a central lane
ok so there's an extra
lane between the two armies but there's also
an extra lane down the middle obviously the second one
in you put a pawn on you've got 9 pawns
behind the pawn the centre between the king
and the queen guess what? the prince
the prince has got the same moves and the queen, guess what? What? The prince. The prince.
He's got the same moves as the queen.
Right.
Right?
On the dance floor.
But on the chessboard, he's got slightly different moves.
Right, he's a fucking nightmare at weddings.
Just him and his mam.
Just both doing the YMCA.
They practice it
There's one point where he swings it
Which is
It's real like
Grossly
Oedipusly
Romantic at some points
Dad staring on
Furiously jealous
The king doesn't know shit
Because the queen listens to prince
And prince listens to queen
The king
The king is dead
RIP Michael Jackson
To the prince
Aye
Can move The same as the queen, except also the same as the knight.
Oh, right, okay.
So you can go straight lines in every direction diagonally also, and it can do the little L-shaped ones.
And you'll notice with the new chess 2 board, there's a centre piece.
Normally, because there's even numbers down each side, there's no centre.
Right, so there's a centre square.
Starting on the centre square at the beginning
is the wild boar.
Okay.
And the wild boar...
Wait, hold on.
Where does the...
So, does the prince...
He's on the middle line.
Right down the middle.
Right, got you.
Okay.
So, he's looking up at the wild boar.
Yeah, but he's still...
Or is there a pawn in front of him? There's a pawn in front of him. So, there's an extra pawn the middle. Right, got you. Okay. So he's looking up at the wild boar. Yeah, but he's still...
Or is there a pawn in front of him?
There's a pawn in front of him.
So there's an extra pawn.
Yep.
Right, okay, cool.
So you can't go through the pawn.
Still the same rules.
All right.
So the white boar in the middle,
it's got the same move as the horse,
except you roll a dice at the end of every turn
to make the boar move.
Okay.
So it'll have, like, whatever,
you can have, like,
the points of the compass on the board right
so it'll go east one
north two
alright
right
so you roll the dice
and it'll tell you
which way to move that
and obviously
that can take pieces
at random
yeah yeah
and it can also
it adds an element
to chaos
yeah yeah yeah
and also
can the boar
randomly go to the king
without the
oh yeah
you don't want
you don't want
you don't want your king
to be in the wild boar position
you start like looking for and nothing can kill the wild boar your king To be in the wild boar position You start like
Looking for
Nothing can kill a wild boar
No you can't kill the wild boar
Oh
And what happens then
Is it just resets
The middle square
Oh
So when you catch it
When you take it
It resets to the middle square
Thanks for asking
Because that is important
And then it just goes again
From the next one
So like if one of your friends
Your friend
You're playing against your enemies
Have you played this before
nah
it's just the concept
this is the concept
okay
this is the concept
but I hope
somebody is writing this down
and they can create
yeah let us know if Chester's
I'm genuinely intrigued by it
right
there's an extra rule
because you need the
because you'll need to make the board
and you'll need to make the extra
or you need to get
the extra two pawns
and you need to make the
wild boar thing
and make the I'll tell you who'll fucking do it fucking pawns, and you'll need to make the wild boar thing, and make the,
I'll tell you who'll fucking do it,
fucking Rich Bissara.
I think Rich will make one.
Of course,
oh yeah,
this is right up his alley.
Or,
or even fucking better,
I'll tell you who will fucking do this,
my fucking dad will go off and 3D print a bloody,
the second he hears this.
Mate,
there's a new rule,
that's going to blow your mind.
It's a new rule,
it's a rule that's always been in chess too.
Right.
It's going to blow your mind. Right a new rule it's a rule that's always been in chess too it's going to blow your mind
right
you know how
when the wild boar
takes the pieces
at random
just knock them
off the board
the thing is
it can't overpower
the prince
if it takes the prince
it's your lucky day
it rarely ever happens
this is the
this is the fucking
the royal flush
of the game
it doesn't happen
in every game
probably would happen
once every fucking
hundred or so games
as if that wild boar randomly takes your prince the prince the royal flush of the game it doesn't happen in every game probably would happen once every fucking hundred or so games right
as if that wild boar
randomly takes your
prince
the prince
tames it
and becomes the
wild boar power prince
and the prince
is now riding the boar
and what it can do
when it's riding the boar
is nothing
can be in its way
it can take out
a whole line of people
for one go
while it's the
wild boar power prince
you can just go
through the army
like a knife through butter.
Chess 2,
the World War Power Prince,
how do you like it?
I don't love it,
I genuinely do.
I can't believe
you've never played it.
I'm genuinely intrigued.
Fucking major credits
to Kieran Boyd
and Naz's Manly.
Gav as well,
there's four of us.
So I'm assuming You were high
When you invented that
Fuck yes
Aye
Holy yes
Maybe that's why
It sounds good now
Maybe everyone
Who's listening to this
Sobers like
That sounds fucking stupid
That's awful
But they want to try it right
Right well while you're on a
While you're on a roll
Of pitching things
Oh no hold on
Before your second pitch
Right
I don't know if I've ever
Told you this story
I've definitely not told it
On the podcast
I've never told you The most I've definitely not told it on the podcast I've never told you the most I've ever accidentally embarrassed my mother
Oh really?
Really, really in public
Because yeah, that's a role reversal too
Because she's probably more likely to embarrass you
She reminded me of this story last night
Making a fool of you
So when I was about 17, right
I'd just learned to drive
And it was my mate's 18th birthday
So we went out and bought him booze and drinks
And stuff like that
and then just because
we were fucking stupid kids
we went to Ann Summers
and we bought a big
name drop off
hi
went to Ann Summers
and then
just here in Nepal
hi
yeah
and we bought him
an inflatable
just inflatable doll
like with mouth
and a vagina
but I hope he'll be like
hey
because we're fucking stupid kids
we give it to him
we blow it up
he laughs about it
and then we drive around with it because we fucking think we're legends and then we go back
to mines we've got to deflate it and we just sort of stick it in the boot and I just left it there
right when we took the stuff out because it was so crumpled up just down the bottom we're just
like I'm not freaking making a second trip or we just missed it cut to three months later right my mum's using the car to go shopping she always keeps plastic
bags for shopping in the boot of the car right so she's always got more shopping so right so
she grabs a handful of plastic bags right she does her shopping and when she's at the checkout
there's one point where everyone's looking at it she can't tell why and she realized
she's trying to shove a thing of peanut butter into like a blow-up doll's mouth.
She's just autopiled it
the way through.
She's autopiled it
and she's got a picture
of the thing because
So is that in the bag
and she pulled that out
of the bag?
No, no, no.
It looks like a bag.
So she managed to get
all the way around the shop
with her groceries.
Aye, because it was
all scrunched up.
She just put it
into the basket
or the trolley.
Aye, straight in.
Because it was in
with the other bags.
Aye.
And then she just
autopiled it, grabbed it from the midst of the bag. She in because it was in with the other bags and then she just autopilot grabbed it
from the midst
of the bag
she's sitting there
trying to run
she looks like
a fucking psycho
proper crazy lady
and when was that
when you were a kid
I was 17
you're probably
humiliated
right
your second pitch
what's the
Adam Sandler
time travel movie
I can't believe
I haven't pitched
this film
I thought I had
I definitely pitched
someone via text
I thought
so it's
it's a time travel movie
but
you want Adam Sandler
to play the lead
this is good
we're in Hollywood
right
this is what I've
come here for
I'll be the
I'll be the
who are you pitching it to
is it Warner Brothers
movie yeah I'll be I'll be the I'll be the who are you pitching it to is it Warner Brothers movie aye
yeah aye
it's got to be a movie
I'll be
I'll be one of the
Warner Brothers
Tim
Tim Warner
aye Tim Warner
hello Mr Warner
aye sorry
Steve can't be here
did you just tell him
Adam Sandler was coming
because he would have
probably been here
oh wait are you
Adam Sandler in this
oh no
I just want to play
Adam Sandler in it
I'm Mephan Akin
aye I'm really aye right Akin I am really high
Right
So you're pitching the movie
I've got the in to Adam Sandler
This is a bad start
It's a bad start the pitch
We all get nervous
Right Tim
Do over
Mr Warner's fine
Right
Sorry Steve couldn't be here
Sorry he can't be here
He's away
Well Steve wasn't it
you're my favourite anyway Tim
oh thanks
I've got this idea
we're going to need one
joke's on you
I'm Steve
I knew you'd put it on Tim
why are you on it
I'm not commissioned in this script
it's the trick I always played
to find out whether people like me or not
and I tell you what
none of them do.
I'm going to be honest, Steve.
This is why I don't like you.
You always pull a shit like this.
At least for Tim, he's a straight shooter.
I can't wait to punch an idea and not be fucked around.
You're lost.
You're lost, Steve.
This was going to be the real makings of Warner Brothers.
It was really going to put you guys on the map.
You can finally move on to your parents.
Leave Barbara
out of this.
Right.
Now, I've still got to pitch it to you, Steve.
You've got spunk.
I like that.
I've got this half hour. I'm still going to use it.
You know, like when you're doing a driving test.
You know, you've got an image
of when you've gone through a red light, but you're like a driving test you've got the major when you've
gone through a red
light but you're
like oh I'll just
go through the
bushes
alright I left
at this junction
you're going to
spit on my dreams
I felt you hit
the brakes on your
seat
I moved from
under my foot
like well
should I just
drive back
do you want to drive do you not trust me anymore like you in fear They moved from under my foot like, well... Should I just drive back to the test?
Do you want to drive?
Do you not trust me anymore?
Like, are you in fear of your life?
Right.
Steve.
Aye.
You better not actually be taking the test.
But if you are, I've really passed the test because I said this.
I stuck my guns.
Stuck my guns and then
turned my cloak
I don't know
I used it in that way
turned my cloak
yeah
were you trying to say
I turned my cloak
that's what they did
that's how they betrayed you
they just went
see you later
like fucking Dracula
when the sunlight
streams through the window
just turned my cloak
so
I don't know I've only got five minutes of this pitch left.
Sorry.
Thanks for the slap.
I've been distracting you.
Do you want a mint?
No, thanks.
All right.
Those are my marbles.
Don't get them mixed up.
I tell you what.
Mark Wahlberg did that last time I was in here.
Couldn't stop laughing.
Put the paper above.
Ever since then, I've lost me marbles.
Right, this pitch right
right Adam Sandler
is a scientist
he plays a scientist
okay
and he's one of the
only scientists left
that still think
there's such a thing
as time travelling
but all the other
scientists laugh at him
like all of his mates
that he always has
in his movies
bong-eyed one in that
bong-eyed scientist
aye
and fucking
who played
Juice Bigalow
aye
fucking
come on
Kevin Hart
not Kevin Hart
it was Schneider
Rob Schneider
aye
is that him
aye
he's getting a bit big
for his boots new legs
he's the main event
on some films
but you know what it is
if you can still afford him
Warner Brothers
so
Adam Sandler
plays a scientist
right and all these other scientisty chums are just
like, what, you're still looking into time travel for?
You know it can't ever happen?
Because if time travelling was available, we would have been visited already.
Ha ha ha, joke's on you.
And he's just the laughingstock of the science community.
But then all of the teasing gets into his head, and they'll have a little montage where
it's like different people floating by going, like, oh, what are you doing time travel for? Like that bit in Waterboy where it's, water sucks floating by going like oh what are you trying to travel for
like that bit
in Waterboy
where it's
water sucks
it really really sucks
yeah yeah
Adam Sandler style
Adam Sandler style
this is a classic
Adam Sandler movie
it's got the footmarks
of it already
right
and then he has
this epiphany
where he's like
ah
no wonder nobody's
visited already
because we're already
always trying to make
the thing that sends the person back in already Always trying to make The thing that sends
The person back in time
We should be making
The thing that receives them
We haven't received
Any one time travelling
Because we haven't built
The receiver yet
You need to build the receiver
So that you can get the sender
To send someone back right
So Adam Sandler works
Through the night
In his garage
I'll show them
Right
And he makes a receiver
And who should appear
On that receiver
but Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler turns up
we need to book him twice
just
yeah hi
hi
CG these days is amazing though
just
well
maybe you could just
take the camera angles
do you need CG
alright
mirrors
oh you could take mirrors
for both
once or two mirrors
so he's facing the same way
so he doesn't even go
and his left ear's on the right.
But then they'll be saying
the same thing to each other.
They'll just be constantly
it's one to each other.
Okay, we've got some things
down.
One of us, you know what it is?
This is your...
I'm enjoying it.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm going to drop it.
If I knew the answers
to these problems
I wouldn't even pitch it.
I'd just make myself.
Okay.
Adam Sandler appears
on the time travelling device
and they have
the fucking best time
right
they have the best time
just hanging out
Adam Sandler
hanging out
imagine the quips
imagine the chips they have
is he
are they doing stuff
together out in public
all kinds of mad stuff
and all that
but people just think
they're twins
people think they're twins
but they're just them
and they're just like
I'm just having a fucking great time.
And then they realise that they've got to send one of them away to time travel.
They've got to send the original one that made the pod back,
because that's who he is from the future.
So if he doesn't do that, if they just carry on just living their life together forever,
then he would fade away and disappear,
because they never made the time travel and sending thing.
They know that this
fucking friendship
this tale of friendship
has got to come to an end
and it's going to have
this really sad moment
as they build
the sender
which they build easily
by the way
because fucking
the second one
I already worked it out
I've already done this
put on a piece of piss
they don't even need to
go through any of the problems
and then there's just
this fucking heartwarming
moment where
Adam Sandler says moment Where Adam Sandler
Says goodbye to Adam Sandler
Right
Gives him a kiss on the forehead
And then leaves
And he gets back in
And he's crying
But does that mean
He just has to live
It's Groundhog Day innit
Mate
And then Adam Sandler
Now
We're gonna
We'll get through this
But Adam Sandler
The one that built the pod
Received his friend
Right
And they have a good time Then he Who made the pod Gets in the pod And Adam Sandler Who the one that built the pod, received his friend, right? And they have a good time.
Then he, who made the pod, gets in the pod.
And Adam Sandler, who'd went back in time and had the best time with his friend,
is about to go on and just live life on his own without ever seeing Adam Sandler again.
So his heart felt goodbye.
And as Adam Sandler goes back in time, he's sad as well.
He's saying goodbye to Adam Sandler.
But when he gets back in time, who's fucking there in front of him?
Adam Sandler.
Adam Sandler.
Hi.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's that person. But now, he's saying goodbye To Adam Sandler But when he gets back in time Who's fucking there in front of him Adam Sandler Adam Sandler Alright But yeah yeah yeah So he's that person
But now
He's got to relive that day
Yeah
Just from the other perspective
But then the person
That he's just met
Has to get in
Alright
So it's just
Everybody just has one
One shot at it
It's not Groundhog Day
He doesn't feel it
Every time round and round
Every time he does it
He just shoots off
Into the future
Just without time travelling
Okay
It's Calder Sandler
That's the time do you like it?
Was all of that for that fucking joke?
It's a great Adam Sandler movie!
Was all of that...
That's a fucking classic
Adam Sandler movie!
It is, it is,
but I need to know
how hurt I am right now.
Did you buy...
Right, I didn't reverse engineer it.
Right, because...
The punchline was added
once I thought of the movement
good good
in fact
I think it was Tom Horton
that came up with the Sandlizer
once I pitched it to him
if you'd reversed
engineered that
I would have been
fucking livid
I would have been
kind of impressed
alright
but
it was
when I pitched it
it must have been
in a group with Tom Horton
because he called it
the Sandlizer time
it was very brilliant how you doing keep talking When I pitched it, it must have been in a group with Tom Horton in, because he called it the Sand Lizard Time.
It was very brilliant.
How are you doing?
Keep talking.
That was good.
Charging your vape.
All right.
That vape pen was great last night.
All right, so there was a weed one too. I wiped it out though.
And it's pretty fucking...
So you haven't listened to the H2O podcast?
No.
Because you didn't like him
no
I didn't understand
what had made you
so upset with him right
because
there was something
happened
that I wasn't privy to
right
but you were just like
he come onto the
whatsapp group
that we're all in
right
and went
why have you blocked
us on every media
right
and you went
because you were
a little shit
and you'd blocked him
on
I blocked him on
whatsapp
text message
twitter facebook instagram grinder email in your hand because you were a little shit and you'd blocked him on I blocked him on WhatsApp, text message Twitter, Facebook
Instagram
Grindr
Email
PlayStation 4
PlayStation Network
which really upset him
because you play online
quite a bit with him right
and what had he been doing
just sending you photos
it's just
it's like one of those things
it's exactly what the
are we in the same seats bit
see when it stops
being a bit
and it's just
and it's just done
to annoy me
I'm just like
I'm done with the bit
like
because are we in the same seats
was funny when it was banter
but the second it went
onto Instagram
it was just like
I'm just the bit
of a fucking shit
constant bit here
people loved it you know
I know they did
but I'm just saying
this is fucking awful
and same with
steals my time
but just
because I showed
disinterest to it once just because I went I can't be arsed with that right now instead of being like
all right okay it was not too sexy and just he just kept doing it it's very funny like
fucking commitment second to none i was just like i can put an end to this yeah because he can't do
it in the group he was genuinely devastated when you block him on every media uh so yeah so he can only connect you through that group yeah and when he and if he talks about my it in the group he was genuinely devastated when you blocked him on every media so yeah
so he can only
connect you through
that group message
yeah and when he
and if he talks about
my time in the group message
he's
he gets kicked
aye
well no no
he doesn't get kicked by me
but he gets fucking
the shit kicked out of him
by everyone else
so it's just my only way
to get out of my life
yeah so yeah
because of that
to commit to that
that punishment
you haven't listened to
any of his podcasts
no
I did listen to one
with fucking
Nelson on
just because I'm obviously
a big fan of Nelson
and G-Tip doesn't do it for me
I'm not
I'm not going to risk
Elliot's point I chat
for a bit
Gareth Banner
it's like it was actually
Gareth doing a Mark
Impressions
no
Tim is that you?
Just kidding, G-Tip, baby.
I love you.
He doesn't listen to yours.
That's presumptuous.
Oh, I want to plug a podcast, by the way.
Dave Longley's podcast is fucking amazing.
It's really good.
It's like he's trying to bait proper, like, fucking, you know,
far-left snowflakes.
All right, social justice warriors. What? Social justice warriors? He's trying to bait Probably like fucking You know Far left snowflakes Alright
Social justice warriors
What?
Social justice warriors
It's like
Everything that he says
Is so dry and wrapped up
In irony that
They might not be able
To realise that
It's a joke
Right
Triggered
Should we go on to muggles?
Yeah we totally should
But Dave Longley's podcast
Is called
Arguing for the sake of arguing
Aye
He's a big sexy bastard too
I'd fuck him
I'd have
Lucky
Nah, it's alright
Nah, we're not doing anything
Aye, well this one's you
You've built up too much in your head
I just went into this thing
It's because he's got the body
He's lasted too long
Needed a piss by the end of it
It wasn't piss
You needed to cum
Fucking hell I did a good job
keeping that in
you must have thought
I was on the rack
I thought you said
on the rack
like off you lane
like because your arsehole
was bleeding
so just safe assumption
right muggles Because your arsehole was bleeding, so just safe assumption. Was that me peering?
Right, muggles.
And I'm throwing me straight at the corner here.
Muggles, rent, convertibles.
Oh my god.
I'm the fucking worst. When you picked me up from LAX in a fucking convertible,
I was like, you have changed, man.
me up from LAX in a fucking convertible are that you have changed to man a fucking uh a white uh chevy a 2017 uh chevy camaro oh it is lush like man it's the fucking it's so ugly the guy yeah
and it's absolutely fucking muggly like and it's not a convertible where you have to do any graph
fucking put the z-bar is it i don't need the fucking Ikea instruction
It's only button one
It was the first time I came to LA
About two weeks ago
Just coming from Madison with Eric
I was right in the car for like four days
I remember once I was over here
And they upgraded me for free into a Mustang
They give you that pitch like
It's normally $100 an upgrade
But they put $30 a day for you
And you're like, for me?
The first time was genuinely free
the first time was genuinely free it was because
my flight had been delayed
so they'd given away my car
so I turned up and they were like we thought you weren't
coming up and I'm like no my flight was delayed and they're meant
to know that so they're like we're really sorry
and it was a Ford Mustang and I was driving
and I was like I don't know anything about cars
but this feels fucking great and then at the time I was like I don't know anything about cars but this is this feels fucking great
and then
at the time I was over
I was just like
how much is it for an upgrade
he's like
70 a day
and I'm like
do I look like an idiot
do I have the word mug
written on my forehead
and he went
30 dollars
and then I was already in the car
there was just my
did you actually play him
did you partner with him
he said 70
and you said not a chance
Yeah
Yeah
Just because I was like
Yeah
I just went
Absolutely
But not even a thing
But just
You're like
Go away mate
I've done this before
No
No no no
But that's how they always do it
Of course they quote something
Fucking ridiculous
And then you go
Oh no
And they go
I tell you what
That
Like he absolutely played me
Like a fucking fiddle
But the second I was driving
It looked like a douche
It felt like a keg
Yeah It was good And we I did it But the second I was driving It looked like a douche It felt like a keg Yeah
It was good
And we
The two times it had sucked
Because the first time I did it
The guy was telling me
How fast it went
And I was like
Oh great
And then spent three hours
In traffic
And then today
Or like yesterday
When I picked you up
Put the convertible top down
Driving along
And after a while
I was just like
I'm kind of cold
Like it's still winter here
Like this isn't fucking great
And then you
try to put the window up that was are you getting a little bit wind in your face
and realized it didn't affect anything and just felt like a fucking irishman in the 90s joke
i don't know what it is i enjoy it it's definitely muggly it is like and um it's
because it is a nice thing to have right to be able to put the top down
on the car now when it's there but as soon as you're doing anything more than like fucking
20 mil now it's all right it's naughty it's pointless it's like it's a pointless extravagance
isn't it also i always think like a lot if a car gets you for me to be who give fucking i've always
been that way like any car i've bought i've never spent more than five minutes shopping around i
just walk in i go what's that one there's moss going on your car
at the minute
I borrowed it last week
there's moss
aye
it's been a while
since it's been used
the earth's trying to
claim it back
it's gonna
just in a couple weeks
it's gonna look like
it's in the fucking game
Horizon Zero Dawn
aye
it's just
you discover it
you get power cells out of it
to get the fucking sweet armour
spoilers
are you still playing it
no
I am actually
I put it down for South Park
South Park is
fuck
that game
the gameplay
nah
technically
it's alright
you're going through
the motions
it's like a bit of
a choose your own
adventure
in a way
there's a little
neat little interface
for when you're fighting
but the game
if it was anything
but South Park
you'd probably
it's like an old schoolschool arcade game, kind of.
That's for the jokes.
I don't know.
It's one of the funniest fucking games.
I've not played the new one yet.
I've only done the Stick of Truth.
Can you do a couple of spoilers on games
just to give people a flavour of it?
There's one...
Did I tell you about when you choose your gender
in the school?
You know, Mr Mackey.
You go to bed. You look at your gender on the school because this you know mr mackie look uh ask you what your gender are and i just picked male right it was like um
this is just a short bit of confusion he was like why you're born male
yeah sure because your choice is like male female or other so for whatever combination that you do
it's gonna have its own jokes right but for from born male choose male he goes oh so you're cis
gender and he said it's like really unique you unique. He's like, so you're cisgender.
Do your parents know about this?
They're like, no.
He fucking rings your parents,
and he's just like,
I've got some news about your son.
He's male, but he was born male.
Does he know that?
He's got more choices than that?
He doesn't have to play the cards he's dealt.
He scares your parents.
And he hangs up,
but he's still like,
oh, okay.
Oh, well, looks like you're cisgender.
You got out of school,
and this fucking van turns up,
like a truck with fucking rednecks on the back and they're like,
we don't appreciate your kind around here.
You get beat up off rednecks.
Well, I think they're one of the finest social commentaries.
It's the best.
You choose your difficult by what colour skin you have.
There's difficulty of it,
see, like skin tone.
In the first one,
there was the bit where
the first thing you've got to go find something
and you can just go up
and find all of
Cartman's mum's dildos
she's got like
nine of them
and they just get
more and more
aggressively named
I like that one
breaks the fourth wall
as well
so you need to get
the password
to get into the
door to the basement
and you can obviously
just get it offline
or you can guess it
or whatever
and if you guess it
without finding the
components to
find out the password
the screen comes on with Cartmen because you're cheating cunt
it's very good what's your muggle corner oh yeah we'll definitely put that in though
convertibles convertibles is a hundred percent in i want to keep my name on car themes you know
and this made you can you can choose which side you're on here because nikki gibson uh tweeted
saying uh muggles put handbrakes on at red lights in drive-thrus
put the handbrake on when they didn't really need it
but my thing on that was like
muggles give a fuck
backseat driving to that level of like
if you can't tell in the car behind or the car
in front what's happening in that car it doesn't matter how you
drove it
and also the reason the handbrake's
on is if somebody goes into the back of you
you don't go into the person in front of you.
Yeah.
But I think what you're suggesting is you just put your foot on the brake, man.
But say if it wasn't a cranked handbrake and it was just a button, right, and your foot's on the brake and you're going to be there for a prolonged period of time,
like the light or waiting for your drive-through, right, and you just had a button, not a crank, right, just a button, right,
that just holds the brake in place and you take your foot off and you go
I don't need to put my foot there
stretch your toes
stretch your toes
let them dry
let the manicures
it's just the same
whether it's a button
or it's a crank
Ali Adina's just like
going I'm going to take my foot off
you know
but it's like
saying muggles
use a handbrake
when they stop
it's like saying muggles
use cruise control
when they're doing 70
just keep your foot on the pedal
why do you need to put the
but it doesn't affect you
but then again
not a lot of muggle stuff does so I guess that's what she's getting at huh because i know
it doesn't affect you but no muggle stuff ever really directly affects you directly affects you
like it doesn't affect me whether someone has love life live all right that doesn't
you can look at them and go they are a muggle so okay i i received that one but it's it's
definitely functional i i think like I do think
it's more muggly
to be a backseat driver
so that's what
what I'm putting in
is backseat driving
what I'm suggesting
where you can say
yes I know right
I think a muggle's
a backseat driver
a muggle's like
someone that's
getting somewhere
and gives a fuck
what's going on
with the way
you're manoeuvring
the vehicle
if you don't
if you don't trust
who's driving the car
don't get in the
fucking car with them
like there might be
bits where you're
like putting someone
in danger
where like
you're like oh fucking come on watch the wheel instead of
chatting to people in the back seat right you might need or occasionally just if you feel
unsafe i just go that's a you feel like they're going to go that's a red light by the way
if you'll help out go oh you're going to need to be in the left lane when you get this roundabout
i'll just like help you can help them but like criticism they've been like oh i wouldn't you
could have gone there shut up
you're in the back of the
oh no
yeah
just trying to like
fucking hold the control pad
for the
aye
you're doing it wrong
oh that's another thing
we can talk about
what we did today
oh that was fucking awesome
so we did
real awesome
we did VR
escape rooms
escape room
so basically what it is
is four of you
me, you
me mum and me da
and we went
to this thing
we all sit down in a chair
we each get our own
virtual reality thing
but it's got a sense
on the front
so you can see your hands
in the game
but so we're all
in this fucking spaceship
and it's just
so it's like a computer game
but we're all in it
and you've got to
escape each fucking room
so the first one
we had to put
using our
fucking
telekinesis
fucking thing
because you can see
your hands in front of you
which is great
we don't have gloves on
we don't have sensors on
you can just see your hands
in front of your fingers
you can see your hands
you can turn your hand over
you can move your fingers
and it's in the game
and it's in the game
it's not the view of your hand
it's in the game
and then I looked up at you
and we were both
giving each other a finger
as soon as we looked
at our hands
we're like oh
we've got dexterity
within the game
he said something about it being heat sensors didn't he yeah yeah so I think it's on the front of the mask there's a heat sensor thing As soon as we looked at our hands, we're like, oh, we've got dexterity within the game.
He said something about it being heat sensors, didn't he?
Yeah, yeah.
So I think it's on the front of the mask, there's a heat sensor thing that scans outwards.
So that's why you always have to be looking at your hands.
That's why if you're not looking at your hands, it doesn't know where they are. Yeah.
So when he was saying you touch the pad on your left hand, because there's a button on your hand.
Yeah, it's just so it can show you where everything is.
Oh, yeah.
We just flip, as soon as we look up from our hands, we just flip each other in the middle.
Look what you can do from across the room.
My dad's got the Vive, right,
which has got the hand controls,
and he said every person that's played it,
who's played computer games before,
and VR before,
has done the exact same thing.
So basically the way it looks,
it's like a little handle,
with a trigger on the back,
but at the top it's like a little halo, right?
So it's like a little donut sitting on top,
and it's a long sort of shaft. And in the game,
in the Vive, you can see these things perfectly
in your hand, like millimeter for
millimeter, these things are rendered in the game.
And the first thing everyone does is try and shove
them through each other just to see if it does it in the game
as well. Ah, really? And it really does do it.
So obviously the first thing you do in these games,
because that one is going to make them have sex,
ha ha ha ha ha, and the first thing you do in the
game is like, how do I flip someone off?
I can flip you off at any point I want in real life.
Yeah.
Right?
But making your avatar do it.
But making my avatar do it.
I have harnessed technology to get you the message to fuck off.
You can tell the difference between the three men and the women in the room, right?
There's one bit where we're in zero gravity, right?
And you basically fly like a...
You show your palms to your hands and it moves you forward.
Yeah. The way you're looking. Yeah. So you's like you're like you can steer by looking around but
you yeah and but you take your pace by your palms right and so my mom immediately goes for the task
is at hand which is go collect the balls and the first thing you made my dad did was go to the
center room and pretend no have a fight and then pretend to fuck each other
literally because i want to first thing you want to do is
like you want to
check
fuck it
dream to come
true
it's not illegal in
the virtual world
if you fuck your
dad in VR do you
fuck him in real
life
the answer is no
because I just did
it
that's why you go
there for the sweet
release just to
break the tension
in the real world
you know keep the
wolf away from the
gate
it's just here Just to break the tension in the real world, you know, to keep the wolf away from the gate.
It's just, it's just weaning me off.
It's been for me, the gateway.
I never even thought it would fuck me down until I fucked yours earlier.
Now I'm going to get on a real dance.
Now I can't think of anything else.
I've had a hit.
But there's the thing though, because the reason you do it...
I'm in a rehab.
What are you in for?
Hi, hi, hi, hi, my name's
Daniel and I'm a dadaholic.
I've been fucking with dad for...
I've been clean for three weeks now.
He's not stopped texting me.
Shall we just go back for one last hit?
One for old time's sake.
I'm still waking up with a bone off old time's sake. I still wake up
with a bonus
from time to time.
But the reason you do it
is because the first thing
you want to do
is if you slap someone
or if you grab someone
in the game,
can you,
do they react?
Because you know
your friend won't react
but will their avatar react,
right?
It turns out they do
in the zero gravity.
If I grab the back
of your head,
your character's
broad towards mine.
So the first thing I do
is obviously start
skull fucking you.
Because if I was to take the is obviously start skull fucking you because if
I was to if I was to
take the VR off and
skull fuck you in real
life right oh man you're
allowed to be livid
right real livid right
you would be absolutely
furious right it would
compromise our whole
friendship I would
probably go to jail if
you're pretty charged
and rightfully so right
but in that game no
consequences bitch
but also no hard feelings actually you were enjoying it I actually put my fingers in the move because of fucking And rightfully so, right? But in that game, no consequences, bitch. But also,
no hard feelings, actually.
You were enjoying it.
I actually put my fingers in the move
because of the fucking
next door visual reality of it.
Just saying,
that's what's funny.
So what I'm saying is, right,
all the robots in Westworld,
a bunch of whiny bitches.
Uh-huh.
Come on, get a fucking shot.
It's like one of those
episodes of fucking
Black Mirror.
Oh, nice.
Fucking the computer programs.
Oh, good.
He's not doing it
in real life
who gives a shit
oh he's a psychopath
oh is he
is he a psychopath
he's not doing it
in real life
calm down
you know you're a psychopath
when you're empathising
with the bad guys
from Black Mirror
oh I know
that was a real
bleep point
that was a window
into how you're really thinking
well because there was
that whole thing
people were like
oh but it's about
the consciousness
and I'm like
oh it absolutely is
if he's transferring
consciousness into the thing
but he's not
he's transferring
a bunch of numbers
into a fucking computer
and all those things
they think they feel things
they don't know
I think if you can
transfer between bodies
like off their
altered carbon
and stuff like that
like you wouldn't be
that bothered about
it would be like
dunching your car
where it's an inconvenience
rather than like
oh I'm here
I'm trapped inside
this flesh tomb
he's got an ass put put him in another one.
That's why, you know that bit in the fucking Prestige where he's got to kill himself because he's like, I know what I'm thinking.
Man, if there's ever a clone of me, the first thing I'm doing is killing him.
I'm never cloning myself, I don't trust me a fucking centimetre.
Not even a centimetre?
No.
You've been in America two minutes and you've fucking switched to the metrics.
Oh, sorry.
It's the Royale with cheese. Would you use an we do use an inch yeah give him an inch she takes a
mail all right give him give him a second he takes a clump oh that bad boy i'll give you an inch give
your wife a smile so we played the vr it was fucking weird right um i need to get back to
something i realized when we were high we got dragged away from a story and didn't finish it
we want my mom doing the litmus test oh why didn't finish it. What happened? My mum doing the litmus test. Oh, aye.
Didn't finish it, did I?
No.
Moved into your house when I was six.
Every shower I've had,
my mum tells me to pull the shower curtain to the wall, right?
She still does.
I'm 34.
I'm standing here,
pull the shower curtain to the wall.
The next day I come in,
I hadn't thought twice about this
because it's just been fucking drummed in.
It was the whole thing.
You feel the litmus test.
When you go in the shower,
you didn't pull the shower all the way to the wall
because I put toilet roll
folded up by the side of the bath
and it was a bit wet when I went back into the bathroom. Once you've used it shower, you didn't pull the shower all the way up the wall because I put toilet roll folded up by the side of the bath and it was a bit wet
when I went back into the bathroom
once he'd used it,
once he'd left.
I was like,
hiya, ma'am.
In the corner.
In the corner.
In the corner.
Straight in.
My muggle think you do that, ma'am.
Oh, no,
my floor's wet.
What, the tiled floor?
Aye, that's something.
Oh, that's one that I wanted
to fucking bring up fucking I think it's
I think it's something
to do with like
if it goes down the side
it can come through
the kitchen ceiling
I think it's more
but seeing that
it's been seen in army life
so surely they've
gotten that from there
I do think
as this further thing
from my go corner
we'll come back to
the car one in a second
right
but this happened
on my flight over here
right
got upgraded to like
standards
like economy plus or whatever right so it was like standards like economy
plus or whatever
right
so it was like
only like
100 or 200 quid more
and it was like
it was a flight to LA
so it was like 13 hours
and I was like
fuck it
I'm just like
I'll do it
so it's like
it's way better
did they tell you
it was going to be
a thousand
but then ran over
it's just 120
no no Marlena did
I didn't even know
what was happening
until I got on
the plane
so I just got on
and I'm like
this is way bigger
like it's still two seats beside each other at the TV site,
but they give you a glass of champagne as you walk in.
I'm like, this is fucking...
Got a bit more leg room.
This is mint.
How much is it?
I'm going to Marlena.
I'm like, you fucking...
This is going to cost a fortune.
She's like, no, it's only like 100 quid.
I'm like, fucking grand.
And there's a guy beside me, right?
Big Italian guy.
Right?
And he's wearing white jeans, right?
And he's well fucking dressed and stuff.
Now, my happy place is drunk on an airplane.
I fucking love getting shit-faced on an airplane,
watching a movie and crying for no fucking reason.
Just fucking, it's the fucking best,
it's all you can do on an airplane.
You don't have to feel guilty about being an alcoholic
that's wasting his time watching a movie.
It's the tits.
It's the only time you're ever just,
nobody judges you for doing nothing,
for just being a slob.
Yeah, I do love it.
I fucking love a long haul flight.
It's the fucking
I played me fucking
switch until the
fucking battery ran
out from 100
that's a while
and then you watch
a fucking movie
and then I watch
five episodes
if you did that at
home would you feel
guilty
aye
Natalie would get
in there'd be tons
of dishes and all
that
because you're in
the fucking sky
somebody brings you
the fucking food
you get to live
like a king
so I've got
I've had like six glasses of wine
and the woman's coming down
and she's clearing the trays away.
And I've put the lid back on the bottle,
even though there's nothing left in the bottle.
And I've put the empty cup on top, right?
She brings the tray over, over him.
The tray, like, tray wobbles or fucking turbulence.
She drops the bit of the tray and the cup tears off
and I'm talking
one splash of red wine
on his white suit
no no
white jeans
white jeans
like fucking
what are you troubling
white jeans for dog
right
and he was fucking furious
like oh
he was like
oh
oh like saying shit
in Italian
she's like I'm so sorry
and he just wouldn't
let her apologize
he was like
oh god
this and like
oh
like not
like she handed him like napkins and he knocked them't let her apologise he was like oh god this and like oh like not like
she had them
like napkins
and he knocked them
out of her fucking hand
that isn't going to help
to be honest
like
you just got to
patch over it
with like
oh why don't you
just rub it with this
and make nothing happen
that's not going to work
but if you did it
with white wine
if you did
if you put white
or even just like
just took them
and went
oh thanks for making
enough fun
or he didn't mean it
but like straight up her fault and just the whole for making enough fun or he didn't mean it but like
straight our fault
and just the whole time
I was fucking sitting
there sitting
and I'm like
I'm like
how fucking dare you
act like that
and he was just being like
you know
do you know how much
these cost
and I'm like
that's fucking
your fault then
like you don't get to
just because you chose
to spend
well above
what needs to be paid
for fucking clothes
right
you can spend and then travel in it be paid for fucking clothes, right?
And then travel, didn't it?
Like a long haul flight.
Travel, right.
That's what you're supposed to do because that's what your ego requires
is that you look fucking men on an airplane.
There's me with my scaffy fucking jeans, right?
I was wearing my Muggins and Cream hoodie.
Like I couldn't give a fuck.
Couldn't give a fuck
what I look like on a fucking flight.
And you can spill whatever one of these.
I'll be annoyed by how wet I am.
I'll be like, ah, that's just going to be a... Oh, i look like on a fucking fight and you can spill whatever one of this i'll be annoyed by how wet i am yeah i'll be like ah that's just gonna be oh and gav spilled a fucking whole extra large fucking cinema fucking combo coke all over all the way on the day he's met
all right and you just played it like oh no it's fine but like you may have been flooded it wasn't
like a little spillage it was all of it full of ice right like you what you could it was right at
the beginning of the movie and you're just like oh but no no but wasn't the but in that situation like
look I'm annoyed by the situation right but like he didn't mean it he didn't do it intentionally
and he was apologetic and he was doing everything I'm just like it's not like
I'm like straight up I'm like this is it's just happened now there's nothing
I can do to change
it it's just happened
this is and I think
that's a good thing
to have right see if
you're able to take
change instantly
because some parts
of my life I can't
take change
but in that moment
I need the serenity
to accept the things
I can't change
to change the things
I can
right my trousers
are wet and they're
going to be wet
for the next three
hours because what's
my alternative
I fucking drag
everyone out of the
movie I go home
I make it all about
me I'm fucking
uncomfortable
I put myself in your position I put myself movie and go home I make it all about me I'm fucking uncomfortable I put myself
in your position
I put myself
in Gab's position
I bet it feels really
sorry
your position
this is hysterical
also I don't want
to miss the fucking movie
we came out
all this way for this
it would be real dick
of me being like
no guys
come on
like I'm all wet
like oh what
you've never fucking
actually did that
you know
did you
so wait I had this thing when I was in Magaluf like I'm all wet like oh what you've never fucking I actually did that you know did you so right
I had this thing
where I was in
Magaluf
where Sean Stagg do
and we kept
like there was always
someone that was
dressed as a woman
through the thing
or 21 years old
in Magaluf
right
we had shit going on
and when I was
dressed as a woman
people kept fucking
lighting up my legs
right
and I kept feeling
the fucking sparkle
of my fucking hair
it burns
and I'm fucking
Pat it out right the fucking air there
I want to call now I like waiting for the group to catch up and everything and we like gets hot and I fucking hit
Me leg. I mean my jeans on the dress right like doing fitness
I want to say fight me like well, I'm in my jeans. It's got a piss on me leg
Everybody's fucking blood. This uses a fucking lamppost pissed out on me leg
And I was having a proper I'm going back home in a huff
that's a bit different that's not like you're gonna stink like it's oh I mean
so I was about to go back and um it was quite a distance get back and I was going to take a big chunk of the night
and everyone was in a unit.
You didn't want it to start breaking up
into splinter groups that early in the night.
And fucking Gav just went,
fucking swap us here.
He fucking swapped with us.
He wore his pissy jeans.
That's good of him.
He could have done that with you with a coke.
He's got it.
If he did it with me.
But are we putting something like that in the corner?
For me, if you buy...
I don't know if I'm making that very specific.
If you wear expensive fucking clothes on an airplane...
Did a party wish you had it in you to be that...
to accidentally spill something else on him later?
Oh, absolutely. He knows it's on purpose. No, no, no. had it in you to be that like um really accidentally spill something else on him later oh absolutely
no no no no i'm way more passive-aggressive and sneaky than that my plan was the second he was
asleep like literally like uh drop by drop because there were thick jeans right and literally just
pour a whole fucking ball out over his leg uh step over him and go to fucking sleep because he would
have totally thought it was the fucking last as well
and that's the only reason
I didn't fucking do it
I was like
I can't
he just traced it back
to his
aggressiveness
coming back to her
yeah yeah
right we'll just
do it with the original ones
but I'm just saying
in those situations
you can't
so my muggle thing
was backseat drivers
are people going to
like criticise your driving
I would say
I put Natalie
in the muggle corner
every single time
because she she criticises my driving. I would say... I put Natalie in the muggle corner every single day. Aye.
Because she criticises my driving a lot,
and even really at Al.
I don't pay attention.
Yeah, I'll be getting you everywhere,
and then Natalie will get in the car with us
and criticise me driving.
I'm just like, I'm on a national tour,
and I've not a bump on the car.
Aye.
I've got everywhere I need to be.
Don't get me wrong.
Me and Natalie definitely have a...
Because you're a very safe driver
I've never felt danger when I was in a car with you
But you do sometimes drive a teensy bit slow
If you'd been through a car window
You'd be a bit more cautious
I'm not saying it's not justified
But what I'm saying is me and Natalie will text each other
Pictures of the fucking speedometer
And the reason I don't complain about it
Is because if you're doing the drive
I can read my book
Especially when we're on tour Because what happens is because if you're doing the drive right I can read my book right
especially when we're on tour
because what happens
is on tour
right you'll put the
headphones on
you'll listen to your book
and I'll turn the light on
and I'll read my book
I'm in a fucking happy place
I don't care if it takes
an extra 20 fucking minutes
to get to the place
I'm enjoying my chapter
right but there are points
I'll look up
and it'll be 50 to 70
I'll be like
I am taking a photo
with this and sending it
to Natalie though
right
me and her me though right me and her
me and her
me and her
have a fucking
proper competition
to see who could
who could get
a picture of you
doing the lowest number
on a motorway
right
I don't know if you know
we play this game right
she's currently
she's currently in the lead
with 52
right
it's
like
we go back and forth
but I guess with her
like
I if I was paying attention I reckon I'd get annoyed.
But I never am.
I think the only time ever is,
if we're getting to a place and we're running late in that situation,
I'll get a bit annoyed.
But normally we'll be running late because of me anyway.
Like, we both fucked up.
We both should have left earlier.
I've got half the responsibility there.
But yeah, I just find that really weird
when I have people criticise my driving
it doesn't affect the cars around us
I'm just like oh that's like
they're fine, they're fine, they're fine, everyone on the road's grand
what else?
imagine it's like a version of
I can't remember who did it to me
but I was cooking once
and somebody was like oh this could have been seasoned a bit better
I'm like I fucking made you dinner?
Yeah.
Like, I've never claimed in my life to be an exceptional chef.
I've had people tell me I'm a good cook, right?
And I'll be like, oh, you know, I can cook a bunch of fucking meals.
Just give us some passive-aggressive advice.
Like, oh, when I cook this, I do that.
Oh, yeah.
Just make it an anecdote.
Like, that's information you can pick up or leave.
But if someone directly goes, you should have done that.
I should have done that. I have done that I'll shove up
your arse
then feed you
so backseat
drivers are in
backseat chefs
and muggles
rent convertibles
so we're both
in the corner
are we putting
them all in
no no no
we're going to
go rent some
scooters
aren't we
yes
we're going to
go and see
some comedy
rent some scooters see some comedy get into're going to rent some scooters we're going to go and see some comedy rent some scooters
see some comedy
go to the improv
gigs that I've got
coming up
oh and also
a big thank you
to everyone that came
to my New York show
I genuinely didn't realise
how many fucking fans
we had in
I want to shout out
Andy as well
oh Andy from
Santa Monica
yeah
I stay in Santa Monica
one of my
I'm out here
there's a great pub called West 4th and Jane just by sheer coincidence well Monica when I'm out here there's a great pub
called West Forth and Jane
just by sheer coincidence
well not coincidence
I think you were there
with Hammy
like you knew Hammy was there
yeah but
I think you gave him
a little heads up
like fucking Danny and Kai
are going to be about
so Andy's one of Hammy's friends
so I met him years ago
he came in to see me live once
enjoyed it
and then
listened to every single
fucking podcast
but the one thing
you're not expecting
when you're
the first time you're in LA
is for someone to come over
be like hey
I'll listen to your podcast
that very few people listen to
yeah he's like
you've just met me
but I've listened to you for 72 hours
like
oh wow
this is amazing
because it is amazing
he did
and he did get us
when we were very high as well
oh so big
fucking Andy
great to see you though dude
alright
and thanks for the drinks
and a little shout out
to the Jonathans
aye the gay Jonathans
and I'm sorry for calling you the gay Michaels the thanks for the drinks and a little shout out to the Jonathans alright the gay Jonathans and I'm sorry for calling you
the gay Michaels
the George Michaels
the George Michaels
but I just forgot
only one of them
came to the show
because the other
Jonathan was sick
so I hope other
Jonathan's feeling
better and to all
the other podcast
listeners who let
themselves be known
thank you very much
for coming on to
the show
so just on that
off chance if there
is any podcast
listeners in San
Francisco I will be there
not this weekend but next weekend
wherever those fucking dates are
and then any podcast listeners that happen to be in Denver, Colorado
I'm there in three weeks
at Comedy Works
and Australian podcast listeners
I know we've got a bunch of you cunts
and you know I'm coming
I'm going to be up in Scotland
I'm in Edinburgh the weekend coming first of going to be up in Scotland I'm in Edinburgh
the weekend coming
first of Friday
Saturday in Edinburgh
stand
we've definitely got
Edinburgh listeners
yes and I'm going to
be in Glasgow
for the West Side
and the weekend after
and then I'm going to
do the Glasgow
Comedy Festival
if you want to see
the last outing
on home soil
of my show
Punch Drunk
about the comics
box and Cian's story
that's on the 9th
of March at Yes Bar
sweet
your dad jokes
your dad does a racist
drag act where his character is called
Chinese Bernadette
your dad
when your dad is buying condoms he asks the cashier
for rubber johnnies
your dad is a full kit wanker at the Olympic ski jump.
Your dad picks up dog shit in poo bags and he doesn't even have a dog.
Your dad's dick is in a splint because he fucked your mum and forgot he put a mousetrap up there to get rid of the rat.
Your dad can fit his whole fist into his mouth
And then open it
So that's how he eats crisps
Your dad's got a three game ban
From indoor five-a-sides
Because he was caught wearing Heelys
I love it
Dad took Heelys in
Your dad holds hands with his best friend When they go out on the piss I love a dad joke where he leans in.
Your dad holds hands with his best friend when they go out on the piss.
No, we don't.
He's talking.
He's never talking.
Your dad's got a teardrop tattoo under his eye
because last week he killed a wasp.
Your dad gave the dentist a stick after his last check up
For being very brave and putting up with his breath
In that case your dad's yawn strips wallpaper off the ceiling
Wallpaper off the ceiling
Wallpaper
Wallpaper off the ceiling
We had to belt we were so high earlier
when we were on these
your dad couldn't pass
the pencil test
with a rolling pin
what
the pencil test
okay let's take a look
at the things
we've got saggy titties
they put a pencil
under their boob
and if it doesn't drop out
it means they've got
like saggy boobs
and then your dad can't deal
with the rolling pin
and just stays up there
your dad wears a t-shirt
out of the water park
he looks sexy as fuck
see his nipples through it
why can't I read my own writing
your dad got cast
in the sheep
for high school nativity
and he might have
acted all time
your dad holds his nose in the sheep for high school nativity and he never acted all time your dad holds
his nose in the
shower
cos your mum's
in there
having a bath
face down
and I'd be on
the litmus test
fucking
feeling well
before I was
wet
your dad took
his wedding ring off
to go to VR
earlier today
it was around about 2pm
aye
he said
aye
they dropped me
I'll be
I'll be needing this
you can defend him
you have to
because of the heat
aye
can't be funny though
your dad uses his feet
to scratch his ears
like a dog
it's fucking awful
when he's wearing
his stilettos
wheelies
when we crossed
the road earlier
today
your dad didn't
realise and he
kept walking
around the
pavement
chatting away
to himself
that was around
about midday
yeah
your dad hides
a thank you
note in a metal
case up his
asshole and then
goes through
customs
they walk through
they go up there what's this they open up they're expecting to find a stash
just says thank you he just marches he just marches to put his gloves in the hand
me again
frequent flyer
points are clocking
up
the next inspection
is free
earlier on
your dad was
you're just mocking
my dad for
something
he's actually
done it
earlier on
your dad was
trying to open
the glove box
but he couldn't
because his knees
went in the way
and it took him
a good 30 seconds
to figure that out
did that or did that not happen I did that the glove box but he couldn't because his knees went in the way and it took him a good 30 seconds to figure that out dick prick
did that
I did that
I did
I did
alright
bye