Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.25 Chess Two

Episode Date: February 13, 2018

Muggins and Cream in LA, back together and high as kites on some of that medical marijuana. After a month apart they catch up and Muggins pitches Chess 2 and idea for a belta Adam Sandler movie.  ...

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!
Starting point is 00:00:13 Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?
Starting point is 00:00:26 This is Sluss and Humphreys on the road where we have more muggins than a Chinese cream book. Is it good to have me back? No, not at all. Not even back. It's not like you've come back home. We are in Los Angeles. The city of angels.
Starting point is 00:00:44 Loads of angles look at the window the windy city all the buildings the big apple the city doesn't sleep alright Silicon Valley
Starting point is 00:00:51 alright the London of Scotland the bear pit the bear pit so as you may or may not have just already we have really good
Starting point is 00:01:02 really good weed LA weed is fucking great kai's never been to la before and i obviously have uh we've decided to get some of the perfectly legal and overly strong marijuana out here and it's uh it's been a good can you tell you can you tell your friend's joke your friend's joke you're telling us about oh yeah my friend mike mulloy uh definitely follow him on Twitter I don't know if I morally can tell his
Starting point is 00:01:27 joke just go see him live and he'll do the joke it's his joke we've done it before where we've talked about people's I mean fuck him
Starting point is 00:01:34 what's he going to do beat me up maybe you've credited him you've told people to follow him he's got this great joke where he's paranoid
Starting point is 00:01:39 you'd be totally sound with it you've not met me Mike beat me so his joke is that we went to get his medical marijuana medical marijuana
Starting point is 00:01:52 license he went in all prepared to be like so I've got a headache I don't sleep too well and I've got eating issues and they'd be like alright okay
Starting point is 00:01:59 and do a couple tests but when Mike actually walked into the one in Venice he went I've got a head and the guy went sounds awful sounds awful sounds awful
Starting point is 00:02:06 you need some weed but you can get it on a fucking whim down here like it's literally good idea what I liked is you had like
Starting point is 00:02:14 there's a deck of them like a pack aye they come pre-rolled in a little classy wee box and they had like matches built into the pack aye matches my arse in your face
Starting point is 00:02:23 oh someone's getting confident so yeah we haven't had back in it either because we're in America and they don't do that so it's just pure
Starting point is 00:02:33 and it's all like they don't do that here do they no because in the UK we call them joints because those are joints because you join in tobacco
Starting point is 00:02:40 and weed and over here is that what a blunt is is it a blunt it's a blunt is it a blunt when it's like cigar paper aye well no blunt paper
Starting point is 00:02:48 all paper's blunt well then why do paper cuts exist ah touche touche touche touche
Starting point is 00:02:55 touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche
Starting point is 00:02:55 touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche
Starting point is 00:02:55 touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche
Starting point is 00:02:56 touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche
Starting point is 00:02:56 touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche
Starting point is 00:03:01 touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche touche not at all
Starting point is 00:03:06 what happened to such a laughy last night oh no we can can we oh I've not seen
Starting point is 00:03:13 you in a fucking month Frank we've not done a podcast together in fucking six weeks
Starting point is 00:03:17 and the first thing you want to do is do in jokes every fucking time just enjoy
Starting point is 00:03:23 the moment we had I did make a cunt hold and he's coming out in a fucking concert And jokes every fucking time. Just enjoy the moment we had. I did. Make a cunt hold and his camera went into a fucking concert. I just... Just a joke. Just take the phone and then... We'll enjoy this with half as many returns.
Starting point is 00:03:34 Oh, for real, we've got loads to talk about. Have you even got topics for us to talk about? Have you brought your notebook? Aye. The fuck's this? Aye. Scripted past my notes. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:42 How come you get stage notes? You've had time to think about what you want to say. No, it's stories that we decided we were going to last night when we were really high first things first em
Starting point is 00:03:49 chess 2 oh yeah I invented chess 2 because this came from last night when we invented connect 4 2
Starting point is 00:03:58 2 furious right so it's basically when you get 2 connect 4 boards and you just For no reason Put the other one on the top
Starting point is 00:04:06 And It just makes it taller Yeah Not wider Like it's still as difficult It's just like Tetris At some point You need way more
Starting point is 00:04:14 Yeah You just play along Right And then you reminded me That you invented a game Called Chess 2 I wasn't alone I was with
Starting point is 00:04:20 Nazar's Manilu And Kieran Boyd I lie Of Wit Tank Name dropper I am Oh genuinely For Wit Tank Name dropper? I am Oh genuinely for Wit Tank though if anyone wants
Starting point is 00:04:28 one of the sketches that made me laugh the hardest in my fucking life Rim Me Hardy is Rim Me Hardy on I think it's live at BBC Yeah they've done that thing They're called Wit Tank They're called Wit Tank
Starting point is 00:04:41 If you take them in Wit Tank Rim Me Hardy, or Admiral Nelson. Admiral Nelson. Because it's Admiral Nelson dying in the Battle of Trafalgar. Aye. And it's just... But he's...
Starting point is 00:04:55 Don't... He's last... He's last words. You just ruin everything. Just let them watch the fucking video. Let them discover Mike. Let them have conversations what are you doing
Starting point is 00:05:07 I did it to my own mother she talked all the way through the movie good job the movie was shit right if it was a good movie I would have been like but I just thought
Starting point is 00:05:15 you know what I'm not enjoying Noah have you seen it no oh my god fucking Russell Crowe and Hermione more like Noah thank you
Starting point is 00:05:22 Noah Noah Noah Noah Noah Noah Noah Noah Noah Crowe and Hermione. More like Noah thank you. No one for me please. No way.
Starting point is 00:05:32 It was gash. But my mum just kept fucking hiding spoilers. Has she seen it? She was live tweeting it. Oh hey spoilers. Everything but I run enough looking for it. Sorry this is spoilers for you guys. You're turning into your fucking mother. I'll tell you what my mum did now when I stayed at the...
Starting point is 00:05:49 Who's done the litmus test? Aye, so that was... I'll tell the podcast listeners that. My mum has told me to put the curtain all the way to the wall when I go in the shower so water doesn't come out. Just so the neighbours can't see anymore. And stop pressing theipple against the wall. I was six when I moved into that house.
Starting point is 00:06:11 What? I was six years old when I moved into 70 Norm Closet. Oh, sorry, the way you phrased that, I thought that's when your parents hired you. They're still living with me. So you moved from another house? Yes. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:23 Because you pitched that house. You pitched that house. I just moved in with them. You just moved in. You're a flatmate. They've got a six-year-old fucking tenant in. They were looking for a lodger. I just walked in with your previous, your CV,
Starting point is 00:06:39 £300 deposit. One of them sticks over my shoulder with a fucking bag in. When did people realise that that was the shit we were carrying stuff? I think... No, listen, Dean, one day a fucking homeless dick went and if you're whiting runaway, you have fucking clothes in the bag, you haven't got the best ideas. You and I probably made a few bad decisions along the way. No, but I reckon it's because it's bad when you didn't have much.
Starting point is 00:06:56 And I don't have much. Put it out. I love you. So, sorry, where were we? Your mum. I was about to tell something, then I become your mother and don't spoil us. We're doing Chess 2. Chess 2.
Starting point is 00:07:09 We'll go back there. We? Yeah. I put all the... No, sorry, I was being French. You thought you were being facetious? I've never been to that part of France. The region in France. Facet region. The region in France.
Starting point is 00:07:28 Bessie, this is a region in France. We are so high. It's brilliant. So, chest two. While we're being high, let's talk about chest two. Me and Alistair's Manly and Kieran Boyd invented chest two. No pads and pens, though. People, write this down.
Starting point is 00:07:41 You're going to need it. It has one extra line on the board. Okay. In all directions. What is it currently? 8 and 8 yeah so it's 9 and 9 9 and 9 so obviously that means there's a central lane ok so there's an extra lane between the two armies but there's also an extra lane down the middle obviously the second one in you put a pawn on you've got 9 pawns
Starting point is 00:07:59 behind the pawn the centre between the king and the queen guess what? the prince the prince has got the same moves and the queen, guess what? What? The prince. The prince. He's got the same moves as the queen. Right. Right? On the dance floor. But on the chessboard, he's got slightly different moves.
Starting point is 00:08:17 Right, he's a fucking nightmare at weddings. Just him and his mam. Just both doing the YMCA. They practice it There's one point where he swings it Which is It's real like Grossly
Starting point is 00:08:28 Oedipusly Romantic at some points Dad staring on Furiously jealous The king doesn't know shit Because the queen listens to prince And prince listens to queen The king
Starting point is 00:08:37 The king is dead RIP Michael Jackson To the prince Aye Can move The same as the queen, except also the same as the knight. Oh, right, okay. So you can go straight lines in every direction diagonally also, and it can do the little L-shaped ones. And you'll notice with the new chess 2 board, there's a centre piece.
Starting point is 00:09:01 Normally, because there's even numbers down each side, there's no centre. Right, so there's a centre square. Starting on the centre square at the beginning is the wild boar. Okay. And the wild boar... Wait, hold on. Where does the...
Starting point is 00:09:18 So, does the prince... He's on the middle line. Right down the middle. Right, got you. Okay. So, he's looking up at the wild boar. Yeah, but he's still... Or is there a pawn in front of him? There's a pawn in front of him. So, there's an extra pawn the middle. Right, got you. Okay. So he's looking up at the wild boar. Yeah, but he's still...
Starting point is 00:09:25 Or is there a pawn in front of him? There's a pawn in front of him. So there's an extra pawn. Yep. Right, okay, cool. So you can't go through the pawn. Still the same rules. All right.
Starting point is 00:09:33 So the white boar in the middle, it's got the same move as the horse, except you roll a dice at the end of every turn to make the boar move. Okay. So it'll have, like, whatever, you can have, like, the points of the compass on the board right
Starting point is 00:09:45 so it'll go east one north two alright right so you roll the dice and it'll tell you which way to move that and obviously
Starting point is 00:09:50 that can take pieces at random yeah yeah and it can also it adds an element to chaos yeah yeah yeah and also
Starting point is 00:09:56 can the boar randomly go to the king without the oh yeah you don't want you don't want you don't want your king to be in the wild boar position
Starting point is 00:10:03 you start like looking for and nothing can kill the wild boar your king To be in the wild boar position You start like Looking for Nothing can kill a wild boar No you can't kill the wild boar Oh And what happens then Is it just resets The middle square
Starting point is 00:10:11 Oh So when you catch it When you take it It resets to the middle square Thanks for asking Because that is important And then it just goes again From the next one
Starting point is 00:10:19 So like if one of your friends Your friend You're playing against your enemies Have you played this before nah it's just the concept this is the concept okay
Starting point is 00:10:30 this is the concept but I hope somebody is writing this down and they can create yeah let us know if Chester's I'm genuinely intrigued by it right there's an extra rule
Starting point is 00:10:37 because you need the because you'll need to make the board and you'll need to make the extra or you need to get the extra two pawns and you need to make the wild boar thing and make the I'll tell you who'll fucking do it fucking pawns, and you'll need to make the wild boar thing, and make the,
Starting point is 00:10:45 I'll tell you who'll fucking do it, fucking Rich Bissara. I think Rich will make one. Of course, oh yeah, this is right up his alley. Or, or even fucking better,
Starting point is 00:10:52 I'll tell you who will fucking do this, my fucking dad will go off and 3D print a bloody, the second he hears this. Mate, there's a new rule, that's going to blow your mind. It's a new rule, it's a rule that's always been in chess too.
Starting point is 00:11:03 Right. It's going to blow your mind. Right a new rule it's a rule that's always been in chess too it's going to blow your mind right you know how when the wild boar takes the pieces at random just knock them
Starting point is 00:11:11 off the board the thing is it can't overpower the prince if it takes the prince it's your lucky day it rarely ever happens this is the
Starting point is 00:11:18 this is the fucking the royal flush of the game it doesn't happen in every game probably would happen once every fucking hundred or so games
Starting point is 00:11:24 as if that wild boar randomly takes your prince the prince the royal flush of the game it doesn't happen in every game probably would happen once every fucking hundred or so games right as if that wild boar randomly takes your prince the prince tames it and becomes the wild boar power prince
Starting point is 00:11:32 and the prince is now riding the boar and what it can do when it's riding the boar is nothing can be in its way it can take out a whole line of people
Starting point is 00:11:40 for one go while it's the wild boar power prince you can just go through the army like a knife through butter. Chess 2, the World War Power Prince,
Starting point is 00:11:52 how do you like it? I don't love it, I genuinely do. I can't believe you've never played it. I'm genuinely intrigued. Fucking major credits to Kieran Boyd
Starting point is 00:12:02 and Naz's Manly. Gav as well, there's four of us. So I'm assuming You were high When you invented that Fuck yes Aye Holy yes
Starting point is 00:12:09 Maybe that's why It sounds good now Maybe everyone Who's listening to this Sobers like That sounds fucking stupid That's awful But they want to try it right
Starting point is 00:12:15 Right well while you're on a While you're on a roll Of pitching things Oh no hold on Before your second pitch Right I don't know if I've ever Told you this story
Starting point is 00:12:22 I've definitely not told it On the podcast I've never told you The most I've definitely not told it on the podcast I've never told you the most I've ever accidentally embarrassed my mother Oh really? Really, really in public Because yeah, that's a role reversal too Because she's probably more likely to embarrass you She reminded me of this story last night
Starting point is 00:12:35 Making a fool of you So when I was about 17, right I'd just learned to drive And it was my mate's 18th birthday So we went out and bought him booze and drinks And stuff like that and then just because we were fucking stupid kids
Starting point is 00:12:47 we went to Ann Summers and we bought a big name drop off hi went to Ann Summers and then just here in Nepal hi
Starting point is 00:12:55 yeah and we bought him an inflatable just inflatable doll like with mouth and a vagina but I hope he'll be like hey
Starting point is 00:13:01 because we're fucking stupid kids we give it to him we blow it up he laughs about it and then we drive around with it because we fucking think we're legends and then we go back to mines we've got to deflate it and we just sort of stick it in the boot and I just left it there right when we took the stuff out because it was so crumpled up just down the bottom we're just like I'm not freaking making a second trip or we just missed it cut to three months later right my mum's using the car to go shopping she always keeps plastic
Starting point is 00:13:28 bags for shopping in the boot of the car right so she's always got more shopping so right so she grabs a handful of plastic bags right she does her shopping and when she's at the checkout there's one point where everyone's looking at it she can't tell why and she realized she's trying to shove a thing of peanut butter into like a blow-up doll's mouth. She's just autopiled it the way through. She's autopiled it and she's got a picture
Starting point is 00:13:49 of the thing because So is that in the bag and she pulled that out of the bag? No, no, no. It looks like a bag. So she managed to get all the way around the shop
Starting point is 00:13:57 with her groceries. Aye, because it was all scrunched up. She just put it into the basket or the trolley. Aye, straight in. Because it was in
Starting point is 00:14:02 with the other bags. Aye. And then she just autopiled it, grabbed it from the midst of the bag. She in because it was in with the other bags and then she just autopilot grabbed it from the midst of the bag she's sitting there trying to run
Starting point is 00:14:08 she looks like a fucking psycho proper crazy lady and when was that when you were a kid I was 17 you're probably humiliated
Starting point is 00:14:18 right your second pitch what's the Adam Sandler time travel movie I can't believe I haven't pitched this film
Starting point is 00:14:26 I thought I had I definitely pitched someone via text I thought so it's it's a time travel movie but you want Adam Sandler
Starting point is 00:14:35 to play the lead this is good we're in Hollywood right this is what I've come here for I'll be the I'll be the
Starting point is 00:14:42 who are you pitching it to is it Warner Brothers movie yeah I'll be I'll be the I'll be the who are you pitching it to is it Warner Brothers movie aye yeah aye it's got to be a movie I'll be I'll be one of the Warner Brothers
Starting point is 00:14:49 Tim Tim Warner aye Tim Warner hello Mr Warner aye sorry Steve can't be here did you just tell him Adam Sandler was coming
Starting point is 00:14:56 because he would have probably been here oh wait are you Adam Sandler in this oh no I just want to play Adam Sandler in it I'm Mephan Akin
Starting point is 00:15:04 aye I'm really aye right Akin I am really high Right So you're pitching the movie I've got the in to Adam Sandler This is a bad start It's a bad start the pitch We all get nervous Right Tim
Starting point is 00:15:17 Do over Mr Warner's fine Right Sorry Steve couldn't be here Sorry he can't be here He's away Well Steve wasn't it you're my favourite anyway Tim
Starting point is 00:15:26 oh thanks I've got this idea we're going to need one joke's on you I'm Steve I knew you'd put it on Tim why are you on it I'm not commissioned in this script
Starting point is 00:15:38 it's the trick I always played to find out whether people like me or not and I tell you what none of them do. I'm going to be honest, Steve. This is why I don't like you. You always pull a shit like this. At least for Tim, he's a straight shooter.
Starting point is 00:15:52 I can't wait to punch an idea and not be fucked around. You're lost. You're lost, Steve. This was going to be the real makings of Warner Brothers. It was really going to put you guys on the map. You can finally move on to your parents. Leave Barbara out of this.
Starting point is 00:16:13 Right. Now, I've still got to pitch it to you, Steve. You've got spunk. I like that. I've got this half hour. I'm still going to use it. You know, like when you're doing a driving test. You know, you've got an image of when you've gone through a red light, but you're like a driving test you've got the major when you've
Starting point is 00:16:25 gone through a red light but you're like oh I'll just go through the bushes alright I left at this junction you're going to
Starting point is 00:16:33 spit on my dreams I felt you hit the brakes on your seat I moved from under my foot like well should I just
Starting point is 00:16:44 drive back do you want to drive do you not trust me anymore like you in fear They moved from under my foot like, well... Should I just drive back to the test? Do you want to drive? Do you not trust me anymore? Like, are you in fear of your life? Right. Steve. Aye.
Starting point is 00:16:58 You better not actually be taking the test. But if you are, I've really passed the test because I said this. I stuck my guns. Stuck my guns and then turned my cloak I don't know I used it in that way turned my cloak
Starting point is 00:17:10 yeah were you trying to say I turned my cloak that's what they did that's how they betrayed you they just went see you later like fucking Dracula
Starting point is 00:17:20 when the sunlight streams through the window just turned my cloak so I don't know I've only got five minutes of this pitch left. Sorry. Thanks for the slap. I've been distracting you.
Starting point is 00:17:28 Do you want a mint? No, thanks. All right. Those are my marbles. Don't get them mixed up. I tell you what. Mark Wahlberg did that last time I was in here. Couldn't stop laughing.
Starting point is 00:17:37 Put the paper above. Ever since then, I've lost me marbles. Right, this pitch right right Adam Sandler is a scientist he plays a scientist okay and he's one of the
Starting point is 00:17:54 only scientists left that still think there's such a thing as time travelling but all the other scientists laugh at him like all of his mates that he always has
Starting point is 00:18:00 in his movies bong-eyed one in that bong-eyed scientist aye and fucking who played Juice Bigalow aye
Starting point is 00:18:06 fucking come on Kevin Hart not Kevin Hart it was Schneider Rob Schneider aye is that him
Starting point is 00:18:12 aye he's getting a bit big for his boots new legs he's the main event on some films but you know what it is if you can still afford him Warner Brothers
Starting point is 00:18:19 so Adam Sandler plays a scientist right and all these other scientisty chums are just like, what, you're still looking into time travel for? You know it can't ever happen? Because if time travelling was available, we would have been visited already. Ha ha ha, joke's on you.
Starting point is 00:18:34 And he's just the laughingstock of the science community. But then all of the teasing gets into his head, and they'll have a little montage where it's like different people floating by going, like, oh, what are you doing time travel for? Like that bit in Waterboy where it's, water sucks floating by going like oh what are you trying to travel for like that bit in Waterboy where it's water sucks it really really sucks
Starting point is 00:18:49 yeah yeah Adam Sandler style Adam Sandler style this is a classic Adam Sandler movie it's got the footmarks of it already right
Starting point is 00:18:56 and then he has this epiphany where he's like ah no wonder nobody's visited already because we're already always trying to make
Starting point is 00:19:04 the thing that sends the person back in already Always trying to make The thing that sends The person back in time We should be making The thing that receives them We haven't received Any one time travelling Because we haven't built The receiver yet
Starting point is 00:19:13 You need to build the receiver So that you can get the sender To send someone back right So Adam Sandler works Through the night In his garage I'll show them Right
Starting point is 00:19:21 And he makes a receiver And who should appear On that receiver but Adam Sandler Adam Sandler Adam Sandler turns up we need to book him twice just
Starting point is 00:19:31 yeah hi hi CG these days is amazing though just well maybe you could just take the camera angles do you need CG
Starting point is 00:19:40 alright mirrors oh you could take mirrors for both once or two mirrors so he's facing the same way so he doesn't even go and his left ear's on the right.
Starting point is 00:19:48 But then they'll be saying the same thing to each other. They'll just be constantly it's one to each other. Okay, we've got some things down. One of us, you know what it is? This is your...
Starting point is 00:19:55 I'm enjoying it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm going to drop it. If I knew the answers to these problems I wouldn't even pitch it. I'd just make myself. Okay.
Starting point is 00:20:04 Adam Sandler appears on the time travelling device and they have the fucking best time right they have the best time just hanging out Adam Sandler
Starting point is 00:20:12 hanging out imagine the quips imagine the chips they have is he are they doing stuff together out in public all kinds of mad stuff and all that
Starting point is 00:20:19 but people just think they're twins people think they're twins but they're just them and they're just like I'm just having a fucking great time. And then they realise that they've got to send one of them away to time travel. They've got to send the original one that made the pod back,
Starting point is 00:20:34 because that's who he is from the future. So if he doesn't do that, if they just carry on just living their life together forever, then he would fade away and disappear, because they never made the time travel and sending thing. They know that this fucking friendship this tale of friendship has got to come to an end
Starting point is 00:20:48 and it's going to have this really sad moment as they build the sender which they build easily by the way because fucking the second one
Starting point is 00:20:54 I already worked it out I've already done this put on a piece of piss they don't even need to go through any of the problems and then there's just this fucking heartwarming moment where
Starting point is 00:21:04 Adam Sandler says moment Where Adam Sandler Says goodbye to Adam Sandler Right Gives him a kiss on the forehead And then leaves And he gets back in And he's crying But does that mean
Starting point is 00:21:11 He just has to live It's Groundhog Day innit Mate And then Adam Sandler Now We're gonna We'll get through this But Adam Sandler
Starting point is 00:21:20 The one that built the pod Received his friend Right And they have a good time Then he Who made the pod Gets in the pod And Adam Sandler Who the one that built the pod, received his friend, right? And they have a good time. Then he, who made the pod, gets in the pod. And Adam Sandler, who'd went back in time and had the best time with his friend, is about to go on and just live life on his own without ever seeing Adam Sandler again. So his heart felt goodbye.
Starting point is 00:21:37 And as Adam Sandler goes back in time, he's sad as well. He's saying goodbye to Adam Sandler. But when he gets back in time, who's fucking there in front of him? Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler. Hi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's that person. But now, he's saying goodbye To Adam Sandler But when he gets back in time Who's fucking there in front of him Adam Sandler Adam Sandler Alright But yeah yeah yeah So he's that person But now
Starting point is 00:21:47 He's got to relive that day Yeah Just from the other perspective But then the person That he's just met Has to get in Alright So it's just
Starting point is 00:21:53 Everybody just has one One shot at it It's not Groundhog Day He doesn't feel it Every time round and round Every time he does it He just shoots off Into the future
Starting point is 00:22:00 Just without time travelling Okay It's Calder Sandler That's the time do you like it? Was all of that for that fucking joke? It's a great Adam Sandler movie! Was all of that... That's a fucking classic
Starting point is 00:22:16 Adam Sandler movie! It is, it is, but I need to know how hurt I am right now. Did you buy... Right, I didn't reverse engineer it. Right, because... The punchline was added
Starting point is 00:22:25 once I thought of the movement good good in fact I think it was Tom Horton that came up with the Sandlizer once I pitched it to him if you'd reversed engineered that
Starting point is 00:22:33 I would have been fucking livid I would have been kind of impressed alright but it was when I pitched it
Starting point is 00:22:41 it must have been in a group with Tom Horton because he called it the Sandlizer time it was very brilliant how you doing keep talking When I pitched it, it must have been in a group with Tom Horton in, because he called it the Sand Lizard Time. It was very brilliant. How are you doing? Keep talking.
Starting point is 00:22:52 That was good. Charging your vape. All right. That vape pen was great last night. All right, so there was a weed one too. I wiped it out though. And it's pretty fucking... So you haven't listened to the H2O podcast? No.
Starting point is 00:23:04 Because you didn't like him no I didn't understand what had made you so upset with him right because there was something happened
Starting point is 00:23:11 that I wasn't privy to right but you were just like he come onto the whatsapp group that we're all in right and went
Starting point is 00:23:17 why have you blocked us on every media right and you went because you were a little shit and you'd blocked him on
Starting point is 00:23:22 I blocked him on whatsapp text message twitter facebook instagram grinder email in your hand because you were a little shit and you'd blocked him on I blocked him on WhatsApp, text message Twitter, Facebook Instagram Grindr Email PlayStation 4
Starting point is 00:23:30 PlayStation Network which really upset him because you play online quite a bit with him right and what had he been doing just sending you photos it's just it's like one of those things
Starting point is 00:23:38 it's exactly what the are we in the same seats bit see when it stops being a bit and it's just and it's just done to annoy me I'm just like
Starting point is 00:23:47 I'm done with the bit like because are we in the same seats was funny when it was banter but the second it went onto Instagram it was just like I'm just the bit
Starting point is 00:23:54 of a fucking shit constant bit here people loved it you know I know they did but I'm just saying this is fucking awful and same with steals my time
Starting point is 00:24:00 but just because I showed disinterest to it once just because I went I can't be arsed with that right now instead of being like all right okay it was not too sexy and just he just kept doing it it's very funny like fucking commitment second to none i was just like i can put an end to this yeah because he can't do it in the group he was genuinely devastated when you block him on every media uh so yeah so he can only connect you through that group yeah and when he and if he talks about my it in the group he was genuinely devastated when you blocked him on every media so yeah so he can only connect you through
Starting point is 00:24:27 that group message yeah and when he and if he talks about my time in the group message he's he gets kicked aye well no no
Starting point is 00:24:32 he doesn't get kicked by me but he gets fucking the shit kicked out of him by everyone else so it's just my only way to get out of my life yeah so yeah because of that
Starting point is 00:24:40 to commit to that that punishment you haven't listened to any of his podcasts no I did listen to one with fucking Nelson on
Starting point is 00:24:47 just because I'm obviously a big fan of Nelson and G-Tip doesn't do it for me I'm not I'm not going to risk Elliot's point I chat for a bit Gareth Banner
Starting point is 00:24:58 it's like it was actually Gareth doing a Mark Impressions no Tim is that you? Just kidding, G-Tip, baby. I love you. He doesn't listen to yours.
Starting point is 00:25:13 That's presumptuous. Oh, I want to plug a podcast, by the way. Dave Longley's podcast is fucking amazing. It's really good. It's like he's trying to bait proper, like, fucking, you know, far-left snowflakes. All right, social justice warriors. What? Social justice warriors? He's trying to bait Probably like fucking You know Far left snowflakes Alright Social justice warriors
Starting point is 00:25:26 What? Social justice warriors It's like Everything that he says Is so dry and wrapped up In irony that They might not be able To realise that
Starting point is 00:25:32 It's a joke Right Triggered Should we go on to muggles? Yeah we totally should But Dave Longley's podcast Is called Arguing for the sake of arguing
Starting point is 00:25:42 Aye He's a big sexy bastard too I'd fuck him I'd have Lucky Nah, it's alright Nah, we're not doing anything Aye, well this one's you
Starting point is 00:25:52 You've built up too much in your head I just went into this thing It's because he's got the body He's lasted too long Needed a piss by the end of it It wasn't piss You needed to cum Fucking hell I did a good job
Starting point is 00:26:07 keeping that in you must have thought I was on the rack I thought you said on the rack like off you lane like because your arsehole was bleeding
Starting point is 00:26:21 so just safe assumption right muggles Because your arsehole was bleeding, so just safe assumption. Was that me peering? Right, muggles. And I'm throwing me straight at the corner here. Muggles, rent, convertibles. Oh my god. I'm the fucking worst. When you picked me up from LAX in a fucking convertible, I was like, you have changed, man.
Starting point is 00:26:47 me up from LAX in a fucking convertible are that you have changed to man a fucking uh a white uh chevy a 2017 uh chevy camaro oh it is lush like man it's the fucking it's so ugly the guy yeah and it's absolutely fucking muggly like and it's not a convertible where you have to do any graph fucking put the z-bar is it i don't need the fucking Ikea instruction It's only button one It was the first time I came to LA About two weeks ago Just coming from Madison with Eric I was right in the car for like four days
Starting point is 00:27:13 I remember once I was over here And they upgraded me for free into a Mustang They give you that pitch like It's normally $100 an upgrade But they put $30 a day for you And you're like, for me? The first time was genuinely free the first time was genuinely free it was because
Starting point is 00:27:29 my flight had been delayed so they'd given away my car so I turned up and they were like we thought you weren't coming up and I'm like no my flight was delayed and they're meant to know that so they're like we're really sorry and it was a Ford Mustang and I was driving and I was like I don't know anything about cars but this feels fucking great and then at the time I was like I don't know anything about cars but this is this feels fucking great
Starting point is 00:27:45 and then at the time I was over I was just like how much is it for an upgrade he's like 70 a day and I'm like do I look like an idiot
Starting point is 00:27:53 do I have the word mug written on my forehead and he went 30 dollars and then I was already in the car there was just my did you actually play him did you partner with him
Starting point is 00:28:03 he said 70 and you said not a chance Yeah Yeah Just because I was like Yeah I just went Absolutely
Starting point is 00:28:08 But not even a thing But just You're like Go away mate I've done this before No No no no But that's how they always do it
Starting point is 00:28:13 Of course they quote something Fucking ridiculous And then you go Oh no And they go I tell you what That Like he absolutely played me
Starting point is 00:28:19 Like a fucking fiddle But the second I was driving It looked like a douche It felt like a keg Yeah It was good And we I did it But the second I was driving It looked like a douche It felt like a keg Yeah It was good And we The two times it had sucked
Starting point is 00:28:30 Because the first time I did it The guy was telling me How fast it went And I was like Oh great And then spent three hours In traffic And then today
Starting point is 00:28:35 Or like yesterday When I picked you up Put the convertible top down Driving along And after a while I was just like I'm kind of cold Like it's still winter here
Starting point is 00:28:43 Like this isn't fucking great And then you try to put the window up that was are you getting a little bit wind in your face and realized it didn't affect anything and just felt like a fucking irishman in the 90s joke i don't know what it is i enjoy it it's definitely muggly it is like and um it's because it is a nice thing to have right to be able to put the top down on the car now when it's there but as soon as you're doing anything more than like fucking 20 mil now it's all right it's naughty it's pointless it's like it's a pointless extravagance
Starting point is 00:29:13 isn't it also i always think like a lot if a car gets you for me to be who give fucking i've always been that way like any car i've bought i've never spent more than five minutes shopping around i just walk in i go what's that one there's moss going on your car at the minute I borrowed it last week there's moss aye it's been a while
Starting point is 00:29:28 since it's been used the earth's trying to claim it back it's gonna just in a couple weeks it's gonna look like it's in the fucking game Horizon Zero Dawn
Starting point is 00:29:38 aye it's just you discover it you get power cells out of it to get the fucking sweet armour spoilers are you still playing it no
Starting point is 00:29:46 I am actually I put it down for South Park South Park is fuck that game the gameplay nah technically
Starting point is 00:29:53 it's alright you're going through the motions it's like a bit of a choose your own adventure in a way there's a little
Starting point is 00:30:00 neat little interface for when you're fighting but the game if it was anything but South Park you'd probably it's like an old schoolschool arcade game, kind of. That's for the jokes.
Starting point is 00:30:08 I don't know. It's one of the funniest fucking games. I've not played the new one yet. I've only done the Stick of Truth. Can you do a couple of spoilers on games just to give people a flavour of it? There's one... Did I tell you about when you choose your gender
Starting point is 00:30:21 in the school? You know, Mr Mackey. You go to bed. You look at your gender on the school because this you know mr mackie look uh ask you what your gender are and i just picked male right it was like um this is just a short bit of confusion he was like why you're born male yeah sure because your choice is like male female or other so for whatever combination that you do it's gonna have its own jokes right but for from born male choose male he goes oh so you're cis gender and he said it's like really unique you unique. He's like, so you're cisgender. Do your parents know about this?
Starting point is 00:30:46 They're like, no. He fucking rings your parents, and he's just like, I've got some news about your son. He's male, but he was born male. Does he know that? He's got more choices than that? He doesn't have to play the cards he's dealt.
Starting point is 00:30:56 He scares your parents. And he hangs up, but he's still like, oh, okay. Oh, well, looks like you're cisgender. You got out of school, and this fucking van turns up, like a truck with fucking rednecks on the back and they're like,
Starting point is 00:31:07 we don't appreciate your kind around here. You get beat up off rednecks. Well, I think they're one of the finest social commentaries. It's the best. You choose your difficult by what colour skin you have. There's difficulty of it, see, like skin tone. In the first one,
Starting point is 00:31:21 there was the bit where the first thing you've got to go find something and you can just go up and find all of Cartman's mum's dildos she's got like nine of them and they just get
Starting point is 00:31:29 more and more aggressively named I like that one breaks the fourth wall as well so you need to get the password to get into the
Starting point is 00:31:37 door to the basement and you can obviously just get it offline or you can guess it or whatever and if you guess it without finding the components to
Starting point is 00:31:43 find out the password the screen comes on with Cartmen because you're cheating cunt it's very good what's your muggle corner oh yeah we'll definitely put that in though convertibles convertibles is a hundred percent in i want to keep my name on car themes you know and this made you can you can choose which side you're on here because nikki gibson uh tweeted saying uh muggles put handbrakes on at red lights in drive-thrus put the handbrake on when they didn't really need it but my thing on that was like
Starting point is 00:32:09 muggles give a fuck backseat driving to that level of like if you can't tell in the car behind or the car in front what's happening in that car it doesn't matter how you drove it and also the reason the handbrake's on is if somebody goes into the back of you you don't go into the person in front of you.
Starting point is 00:32:25 Yeah. But I think what you're suggesting is you just put your foot on the brake, man. But say if it wasn't a cranked handbrake and it was just a button, right, and your foot's on the brake and you're going to be there for a prolonged period of time, like the light or waiting for your drive-through, right, and you just had a button, not a crank, right, just a button, right, that just holds the brake in place and you take your foot off and you go I don't need to put my foot there stretch your toes stretch your toes
Starting point is 00:32:47 let them dry let the manicures it's just the same whether it's a button or it's a crank Ali Adina's just like going I'm going to take my foot off you know
Starting point is 00:32:54 but it's like saying muggles use a handbrake when they stop it's like saying muggles use cruise control when they're doing 70 just keep your foot on the pedal
Starting point is 00:33:01 why do you need to put the but it doesn't affect you but then again not a lot of muggle stuff does so I guess that's what she's getting at huh because i know it doesn't affect you but no muggle stuff ever really directly affects you directly affects you like it doesn't affect me whether someone has love life live all right that doesn't you can look at them and go they are a muggle so okay i i received that one but it's it's definitely functional i i think like I do think
Starting point is 00:33:25 it's more muggly to be a backseat driver so that's what what I'm putting in is backseat driving what I'm suggesting where you can say yes I know right
Starting point is 00:33:30 I think a muggle's a backseat driver a muggle's like someone that's getting somewhere and gives a fuck what's going on with the way
Starting point is 00:33:37 you're manoeuvring the vehicle if you don't if you don't trust who's driving the car don't get in the fucking car with them like there might be
Starting point is 00:33:42 bits where you're like putting someone in danger where like you're like oh fucking come on watch the wheel instead of chatting to people in the back seat right you might need or occasionally just if you feel unsafe i just go that's a you feel like they're going to go that's a red light by the way if you'll help out go oh you're going to need to be in the left lane when you get this roundabout
Starting point is 00:33:59 i'll just like help you can help them but like criticism they've been like oh i wouldn't you could have gone there shut up you're in the back of the oh no yeah just trying to like fucking hold the control pad for the
Starting point is 00:34:10 aye you're doing it wrong oh that's another thing we can talk about what we did today oh that was fucking awesome so we did real awesome
Starting point is 00:34:17 we did VR escape rooms escape room so basically what it is is four of you me, you me mum and me da and we went
Starting point is 00:34:25 to this thing we all sit down in a chair we each get our own virtual reality thing but it's got a sense on the front so you can see your hands in the game
Starting point is 00:34:32 but so we're all in this fucking spaceship and it's just so it's like a computer game but we're all in it and you've got to escape each fucking room so the first one
Starting point is 00:34:41 we had to put using our fucking telekinesis fucking thing because you can see your hands in front of you which is great
Starting point is 00:34:48 we don't have gloves on we don't have sensors on you can just see your hands in front of your fingers you can see your hands you can turn your hand over you can move your fingers and it's in the game
Starting point is 00:34:55 and it's in the game it's not the view of your hand it's in the game and then I looked up at you and we were both giving each other a finger as soon as we looked at our hands
Starting point is 00:35:01 we're like oh we've got dexterity within the game he said something about it being heat sensors didn't he yeah yeah so I think it's on the front of the mask there's a heat sensor thing As soon as we looked at our hands, we're like, oh, we've got dexterity within the game. He said something about it being heat sensors, didn't he? Yeah, yeah. So I think it's on the front of the mask, there's a heat sensor thing that scans outwards. So that's why you always have to be looking at your hands.
Starting point is 00:35:14 That's why if you're not looking at your hands, it doesn't know where they are. Yeah. So when he was saying you touch the pad on your left hand, because there's a button on your hand. Yeah, it's just so it can show you where everything is. Oh, yeah. We just flip, as soon as we look up from our hands, we just flip each other in the middle. Look what you can do from across the room. My dad's got the Vive, right, which has got the hand controls,
Starting point is 00:35:29 and he said every person that's played it, who's played computer games before, and VR before, has done the exact same thing. So basically the way it looks, it's like a little handle, with a trigger on the back, but at the top it's like a little halo, right?
Starting point is 00:35:41 So it's like a little donut sitting on top, and it's a long sort of shaft. And in the game, in the Vive, you can see these things perfectly in your hand, like millimeter for millimeter, these things are rendered in the game. And the first thing everyone does is try and shove them through each other just to see if it does it in the game as well. Ah, really? And it really does do it.
Starting point is 00:35:58 So obviously the first thing you do in these games, because that one is going to make them have sex, ha ha ha ha ha, and the first thing you do in the game is like, how do I flip someone off? I can flip you off at any point I want in real life. Yeah. Right? But making your avatar do it.
Starting point is 00:36:09 But making my avatar do it. I have harnessed technology to get you the message to fuck off. You can tell the difference between the three men and the women in the room, right? There's one bit where we're in zero gravity, right? And you basically fly like a... You show your palms to your hands and it moves you forward. Yeah. The way you're looking. Yeah. So you's like you're like you can steer by looking around but you yeah and but you take your pace by your palms right and so my mom immediately goes for the task
Starting point is 00:36:33 is at hand which is go collect the balls and the first thing you made my dad did was go to the center room and pretend no have a fight and then pretend to fuck each other literally because i want to first thing you want to do is like you want to check fuck it dream to come true
Starting point is 00:36:49 it's not illegal in the virtual world if you fuck your dad in VR do you fuck him in real life the answer is no because I just did
Starting point is 00:36:56 it that's why you go there for the sweet release just to break the tension in the real world you know keep the wolf away from the
Starting point is 00:37:02 gate it's just here Just to break the tension in the real world, you know, to keep the wolf away from the gate. It's just, it's just weaning me off. It's been for me, the gateway. I never even thought it would fuck me down until I fucked yours earlier. Now I'm going to get on a real dance. Now I can't think of anything else. I've had a hit.
Starting point is 00:37:26 But there's the thing though, because the reason you do it... I'm in a rehab. What are you in for? Hi, hi, hi, hi, my name's Daniel and I'm a dadaholic. I've been fucking with dad for... I've been clean for three weeks now. He's not stopped texting me.
Starting point is 00:37:41 Shall we just go back for one last hit? One for old time's sake. I'm still waking up with a bone off old time's sake. I still wake up with a bonus from time to time. But the reason you do it is because the first thing you want to do
Starting point is 00:37:48 is if you slap someone or if you grab someone in the game, can you, do they react? Because you know your friend won't react but will their avatar react,
Starting point is 00:37:57 right? It turns out they do in the zero gravity. If I grab the back of your head, your character's broad towards mine. So the first thing I do
Starting point is 00:38:02 is obviously start skull fucking you. Because if I was to take the is obviously start skull fucking you because if I was to if I was to take the VR off and skull fuck you in real life right oh man you're allowed to be livid
Starting point is 00:38:11 right real livid right you would be absolutely furious right it would compromise our whole friendship I would probably go to jail if you're pretty charged and rightfully so right
Starting point is 00:38:21 but in that game no consequences bitch but also no hard feelings actually you were enjoying it I actually put my fingers in the move because of fucking And rightfully so, right? But in that game, no consequences, bitch. But also, no hard feelings, actually. You were enjoying it. I actually put my fingers in the move because of the fucking next door visual reality of it.
Starting point is 00:38:31 Just saying, that's what's funny. So what I'm saying is, right, all the robots in Westworld, a bunch of whiny bitches. Uh-huh. Come on, get a fucking shot. It's like one of those
Starting point is 00:38:40 episodes of fucking Black Mirror. Oh, nice. Fucking the computer programs. Oh, good. He's not doing it in real life who gives a shit
Starting point is 00:38:46 oh he's a psychopath oh is he is he a psychopath he's not doing it in real life calm down you know you're a psychopath when you're empathising
Starting point is 00:38:53 with the bad guys from Black Mirror oh I know that was a real bleep point that was a window into how you're really thinking well because there was
Starting point is 00:38:59 that whole thing people were like oh but it's about the consciousness and I'm like oh it absolutely is if he's transferring consciousness into the thing
Starting point is 00:39:05 but he's not he's transferring a bunch of numbers into a fucking computer and all those things they think they feel things they don't know I think if you can
Starting point is 00:39:12 transfer between bodies like off their altered carbon and stuff like that like you wouldn't be that bothered about it would be like dunching your car
Starting point is 00:39:19 where it's an inconvenience rather than like oh I'm here I'm trapped inside this flesh tomb he's got an ass put put him in another one. That's why, you know that bit in the fucking Prestige where he's got to kill himself because he's like, I know what I'm thinking. Man, if there's ever a clone of me, the first thing I'm doing is killing him.
Starting point is 00:39:34 I'm never cloning myself, I don't trust me a fucking centimetre. Not even a centimetre? No. You've been in America two minutes and you've fucking switched to the metrics. Oh, sorry. It's the Royale with cheese. Would you use an we do use an inch yeah give him an inch she takes a mail all right give him give him a second he takes a clump oh that bad boy i'll give you an inch give your wife a smile so we played the vr it was fucking weird right um i need to get back to
Starting point is 00:40:00 something i realized when we were high we got dragged away from a story and didn't finish it we want my mom doing the litmus test oh why didn't finish it. What happened? My mum doing the litmus test. Oh, aye. Didn't finish it, did I? No. Moved into your house when I was six. Every shower I've had, my mum tells me to pull the shower curtain to the wall, right? She still does.
Starting point is 00:40:11 I'm 34. I'm standing here, pull the shower curtain to the wall. The next day I come in, I hadn't thought twice about this because it's just been fucking drummed in. It was the whole thing. You feel the litmus test.
Starting point is 00:40:19 When you go in the shower, you didn't pull the shower all the way to the wall because I put toilet roll folded up by the side of the bath and it was a bit wet when I went back into the bathroom. Once you've used it shower, you didn't pull the shower all the way up the wall because I put toilet roll folded up by the side of the bath and it was a bit wet when I went back into the bathroom once he'd used it, once he'd left.
Starting point is 00:40:30 I was like, hiya, ma'am. In the corner. In the corner. In the corner. Straight in. My muggle think you do that, ma'am. Oh, no,
Starting point is 00:40:38 my floor's wet. What, the tiled floor? Aye, that's something. Oh, that's one that I wanted to fucking bring up fucking I think it's I think it's something to do with like if it goes down the side
Starting point is 00:40:47 it can come through the kitchen ceiling I think it's more but seeing that it's been seen in army life so surely they've gotten that from there I do think
Starting point is 00:40:53 as this further thing from my go corner we'll come back to the car one in a second right but this happened on my flight over here right
Starting point is 00:40:58 got upgraded to like standards like economy plus or whatever right so it was like standards like economy plus or whatever right so it was like only like 100 or 200 quid more
Starting point is 00:41:10 and it was like it was a flight to LA so it was like 13 hours and I was like fuck it I'm just like I'll do it so it's like
Starting point is 00:41:15 it's way better did they tell you it was going to be a thousand but then ran over it's just 120 no no Marlena did I didn't even know
Starting point is 00:41:19 what was happening until I got on the plane so I just got on and I'm like this is way bigger like it's still two seats beside each other at the TV site, but they give you a glass of champagne as you walk in.
Starting point is 00:41:28 I'm like, this is fucking... Got a bit more leg room. This is mint. How much is it? I'm going to Marlena. I'm like, you fucking... This is going to cost a fortune. She's like, no, it's only like 100 quid.
Starting point is 00:41:35 I'm like, fucking grand. And there's a guy beside me, right? Big Italian guy. Right? And he's wearing white jeans, right? And he's well fucking dressed and stuff. Now, my happy place is drunk on an airplane. I fucking love getting shit-faced on an airplane,
Starting point is 00:41:48 watching a movie and crying for no fucking reason. Just fucking, it's the fucking best, it's all you can do on an airplane. You don't have to feel guilty about being an alcoholic that's wasting his time watching a movie. It's the tits. It's the only time you're ever just, nobody judges you for doing nothing,
Starting point is 00:42:01 for just being a slob. Yeah, I do love it. I fucking love a long haul flight. It's the fucking I played me fucking switch until the fucking battery ran out from 100
Starting point is 00:42:09 that's a while and then you watch a fucking movie and then I watch five episodes if you did that at home would you feel guilty
Starting point is 00:42:14 aye Natalie would get in there'd be tons of dishes and all that because you're in the fucking sky somebody brings you
Starting point is 00:42:21 the fucking food you get to live like a king so I've got I've had like six glasses of wine and the woman's coming down and she's clearing the trays away. And I've put the lid back on the bottle,
Starting point is 00:42:31 even though there's nothing left in the bottle. And I've put the empty cup on top, right? She brings the tray over, over him. The tray, like, tray wobbles or fucking turbulence. She drops the bit of the tray and the cup tears off and I'm talking one splash of red wine on his white suit
Starting point is 00:42:48 no no white jeans white jeans like fucking what are you troubling white jeans for dog right and he was fucking furious
Starting point is 00:42:56 like oh he was like oh oh like saying shit in Italian she's like I'm so sorry and he just wouldn't let her apologize
Starting point is 00:43:01 he was like oh god this and like oh like not like she handed him like napkins and he knocked them't let her apologise he was like oh god this and like oh like not like she had them like napkins
Starting point is 00:43:07 and he knocked them out of her fucking hand that isn't going to help to be honest like you just got to patch over it with like
Starting point is 00:43:14 oh why don't you just rub it with this and make nothing happen that's not going to work but if you did it with white wine if you did if you put white
Starting point is 00:43:21 or even just like just took them and went oh thanks for making enough fun or he didn't mean it but like straight up her fault and just the whole for making enough fun or he didn't mean it but like straight our fault
Starting point is 00:43:27 and just the whole time I was fucking sitting there sitting and I'm like I'm like how fucking dare you act like that and he was just being like
Starting point is 00:43:33 you know do you know how much these cost and I'm like that's fucking your fault then like you don't get to just because you chose
Starting point is 00:43:40 to spend well above what needs to be paid for fucking clothes right you can spend and then travel in it be paid for fucking clothes, right? And then travel, didn't it? Like a long haul flight.
Starting point is 00:43:49 Travel, right. That's what you're supposed to do because that's what your ego requires is that you look fucking men on an airplane. There's me with my scaffy fucking jeans, right? I was wearing my Muggins and Cream hoodie. Like I couldn't give a fuck. Couldn't give a fuck what I look like on a fucking flight.
Starting point is 00:44:01 And you can spill whatever one of these. I'll be annoyed by how wet I am. I'll be like, ah, that's just going to be a... Oh, i look like on a fucking fight and you can spill whatever one of this i'll be annoyed by how wet i am yeah i'll be like ah that's just gonna be oh and gav spilled a fucking whole extra large fucking cinema fucking combo coke all over all the way on the day he's met all right and you just played it like oh no it's fine but like you may have been flooded it wasn't like a little spillage it was all of it full of ice right like you what you could it was right at the beginning of the movie and you're just like oh but no no but wasn't the but in that situation like look I'm annoyed by the situation right but like he didn't mean it he didn't do it intentionally and he was apologetic and he was doing everything I'm just like it's not like
Starting point is 00:44:39 I'm like straight up I'm like this is it's just happened now there's nothing I can do to change it it's just happened this is and I think that's a good thing to have right see if you're able to take change instantly
Starting point is 00:44:51 because some parts of my life I can't take change but in that moment I need the serenity to accept the things I can't change to change the things
Starting point is 00:44:56 I can right my trousers are wet and they're going to be wet for the next three hours because what's my alternative I fucking drag
Starting point is 00:45:01 everyone out of the movie I go home I make it all about me I'm fucking uncomfortable I put myself in your position I put myself movie and go home I make it all about me I'm fucking uncomfortable I put myself in your position I put myself
Starting point is 00:45:07 in Gab's position I bet it feels really sorry your position this is hysterical also I don't want to miss the fucking movie we came out
Starting point is 00:45:15 all this way for this it would be real dick of me being like no guys come on like I'm all wet like oh what you've never fucking
Starting point is 00:45:22 actually did that you know did you so wait I had this thing when I was in Magaluf like I'm all wet like oh what you've never fucking I actually did that you know did you so right I had this thing where I was in Magaluf where Sean Stagg do
Starting point is 00:45:30 and we kept like there was always someone that was dressed as a woman through the thing or 21 years old in Magaluf right
Starting point is 00:45:35 we had shit going on and when I was dressed as a woman people kept fucking lighting up my legs right and I kept feeling the fucking sparkle
Starting point is 00:45:43 of my fucking hair it burns and I'm fucking Pat it out right the fucking air there I want to call now I like waiting for the group to catch up and everything and we like gets hot and I fucking hit Me leg. I mean my jeans on the dress right like doing fitness I want to say fight me like well, I'm in my jeans. It's got a piss on me leg Everybody's fucking blood. This uses a fucking lamppost pissed out on me leg
Starting point is 00:46:04 And I was having a proper I'm going back home in a huff that's a bit different that's not like you're gonna stink like it's oh I mean so I was about to go back and um it was quite a distance get back and I was going to take a big chunk of the night and everyone was in a unit. You didn't want it to start breaking up into splinter groups that early in the night. And fucking Gav just went, fucking swap us here.
Starting point is 00:46:35 He fucking swapped with us. He wore his pissy jeans. That's good of him. He could have done that with you with a coke. He's got it. If he did it with me. But are we putting something like that in the corner? For me, if you buy...
Starting point is 00:46:54 I don't know if I'm making that very specific. If you wear expensive fucking clothes on an airplane... Did a party wish you had it in you to be that... to accidentally spill something else on him later? Oh, absolutely. He knows it's on purpose. No, no, no. had it in you to be that like um really accidentally spill something else on him later oh absolutely no no no no i'm way more passive-aggressive and sneaky than that my plan was the second he was asleep like literally like uh drop by drop because there were thick jeans right and literally just pour a whole fucking ball out over his leg uh step over him and go to fucking sleep because he would
Starting point is 00:47:23 have totally thought it was the fucking last as well and that's the only reason I didn't fucking do it I was like I can't he just traced it back to his aggressiveness
Starting point is 00:47:30 coming back to her yeah yeah right we'll just do it with the original ones but I'm just saying in those situations you can't so my muggle thing
Starting point is 00:47:38 was backseat drivers are people going to like criticise your driving I would say I put Natalie in the muggle corner every single time because she she criticises my driving. I would say... I put Natalie in the muggle corner every single day. Aye.
Starting point is 00:47:45 Because she criticises my driving a lot, and even really at Al. I don't pay attention. Yeah, I'll be getting you everywhere, and then Natalie will get in the car with us and criticise me driving. I'm just like, I'm on a national tour, and I've not a bump on the car.
Starting point is 00:47:57 Aye. I've got everywhere I need to be. Don't get me wrong. Me and Natalie definitely have a... Because you're a very safe driver I've never felt danger when I was in a car with you But you do sometimes drive a teensy bit slow If you'd been through a car window
Starting point is 00:48:12 You'd be a bit more cautious I'm not saying it's not justified But what I'm saying is me and Natalie will text each other Pictures of the fucking speedometer And the reason I don't complain about it Is because if you're doing the drive I can read my book Especially when we're on tour Because what happens is because if you're doing the drive right I can read my book right
Starting point is 00:48:25 especially when we're on tour because what happens is on tour right you'll put the headphones on you'll listen to your book and I'll turn the light on and I'll read my book
Starting point is 00:48:32 I'm in a fucking happy place I don't care if it takes an extra 20 fucking minutes to get to the place I'm enjoying my chapter right but there are points I'll look up and it'll be 50 to 70
Starting point is 00:48:40 I'll be like I am taking a photo with this and sending it to Natalie though right me and her me though right me and her me and her me and her
Starting point is 00:48:47 have a fucking proper competition to see who could who could get a picture of you doing the lowest number on a motorway right
Starting point is 00:48:54 I don't know if you know we play this game right she's currently she's currently in the lead with 52 right it's like
Starting point is 00:49:00 we go back and forth but I guess with her like I if I was paying attention I reckon I'd get annoyed. But I never am. I think the only time ever is, if we're getting to a place and we're running late in that situation, I'll get a bit annoyed.
Starting point is 00:49:17 But normally we'll be running late because of me anyway. Like, we both fucked up. We both should have left earlier. I've got half the responsibility there. But yeah, I just find that really weird when I have people criticise my driving it doesn't affect the cars around us I'm just like oh that's like
Starting point is 00:49:31 they're fine, they're fine, they're fine, everyone on the road's grand what else? imagine it's like a version of I can't remember who did it to me but I was cooking once and somebody was like oh this could have been seasoned a bit better I'm like I fucking made you dinner? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:49:46 Like, I've never claimed in my life to be an exceptional chef. I've had people tell me I'm a good cook, right? And I'll be like, oh, you know, I can cook a bunch of fucking meals. Just give us some passive-aggressive advice. Like, oh, when I cook this, I do that. Oh, yeah. Just make it an anecdote. Like, that's information you can pick up or leave.
Starting point is 00:50:02 But if someone directly goes, you should have done that. I should have done that. I have done that I'll shove up your arse then feed you so backseat drivers are in backseat chefs and muggles
Starting point is 00:50:14 rent convertibles so we're both in the corner are we putting them all in no no no we're going to go rent some
Starting point is 00:50:20 scooters aren't we yes we're going to go and see some comedy rent some scooters see some comedy get into're going to rent some scooters we're going to go and see some comedy rent some scooters see some comedy
Starting point is 00:50:25 go to the improv gigs that I've got coming up oh and also a big thank you to everyone that came to my New York show I genuinely didn't realise
Starting point is 00:50:35 how many fucking fans we had in I want to shout out Andy as well oh Andy from Santa Monica yeah I stay in Santa Monica
Starting point is 00:50:42 one of my I'm out here there's a great pub called West 4th and Jane just by sheer coincidence well Monica when I'm out here there's a great pub called West Forth and Jane just by sheer coincidence well not coincidence I think you were there with Hammy
Starting point is 00:50:49 like you knew Hammy was there yeah but I think you gave him a little heads up like fucking Danny and Kai are going to be about so Andy's one of Hammy's friends so I met him years ago
Starting point is 00:50:57 he came in to see me live once enjoyed it and then listened to every single fucking podcast but the one thing you're not expecting when you're
Starting point is 00:51:03 the first time you're in LA is for someone to come over be like hey I'll listen to your podcast that very few people listen to yeah he's like you've just met me but I've listened to you for 72 hours
Starting point is 00:51:11 like oh wow this is amazing because it is amazing he did and he did get us when we were very high as well oh so big
Starting point is 00:51:18 fucking Andy great to see you though dude alright and thanks for the drinks and a little shout out to the Jonathans aye the gay Jonathans and I'm sorry for calling you the gay Michaels the thanks for the drinks and a little shout out to the Jonathans alright the gay Jonathans and I'm sorry for calling you
Starting point is 00:51:25 the gay Michaels the George Michaels the George Michaels but I just forgot only one of them came to the show because the other Jonathan was sick
Starting point is 00:51:33 so I hope other Jonathan's feeling better and to all the other podcast listeners who let themselves be known thank you very much for coming on to
Starting point is 00:51:39 the show so just on that off chance if there is any podcast listeners in San Francisco I will be there not this weekend but next weekend wherever those fucking dates are
Starting point is 00:51:48 and then any podcast listeners that happen to be in Denver, Colorado I'm there in three weeks at Comedy Works and Australian podcast listeners I know we've got a bunch of you cunts and you know I'm coming I'm going to be up in Scotland I'm in Edinburgh the weekend coming first of going to be up in Scotland I'm in Edinburgh
Starting point is 00:52:05 the weekend coming first of Friday Saturday in Edinburgh stand we've definitely got Edinburgh listeners yes and I'm going to be in Glasgow
Starting point is 00:52:11 for the West Side and the weekend after and then I'm going to do the Glasgow Comedy Festival if you want to see the last outing on home soil
Starting point is 00:52:19 of my show Punch Drunk about the comics box and Cian's story that's on the 9th of March at Yes Bar sweet your dad jokes
Starting point is 00:52:29 your dad does a racist drag act where his character is called Chinese Bernadette your dad when your dad is buying condoms he asks the cashier for rubber johnnies your dad is a full kit wanker at the Olympic ski jump. Your dad picks up dog shit in poo bags and he doesn't even have a dog.
Starting point is 00:52:53 Your dad's dick is in a splint because he fucked your mum and forgot he put a mousetrap up there to get rid of the rat. Your dad can fit his whole fist into his mouth And then open it So that's how he eats crisps Your dad's got a three game ban From indoor five-a-sides Because he was caught wearing Heelys I love it
Starting point is 00:53:20 Dad took Heelys in Your dad holds hands with his best friend When they go out on the piss I love a dad joke where he leans in. Your dad holds hands with his best friend when they go out on the piss. No, we don't. He's talking. He's never talking. Your dad's got a teardrop tattoo under his eye because last week he killed a wasp.
Starting point is 00:53:43 Your dad gave the dentist a stick after his last check up For being very brave and putting up with his breath In that case your dad's yawn strips wallpaper off the ceiling Wallpaper off the ceiling Wallpaper Wallpaper off the ceiling We had to belt we were so high earlier when we were on these
Starting point is 00:54:10 your dad couldn't pass the pencil test with a rolling pin what the pencil test okay let's take a look at the things we've got saggy titties
Starting point is 00:54:19 they put a pencil under their boob and if it doesn't drop out it means they've got like saggy boobs and then your dad can't deal with the rolling pin and just stays up there
Starting point is 00:54:27 your dad wears a t-shirt out of the water park he looks sexy as fuck see his nipples through it why can't I read my own writing your dad got cast in the sheep for high school nativity
Starting point is 00:54:42 and he might have acted all time your dad holds his nose in the sheep for high school nativity and he never acted all time your dad holds his nose in the shower cos your mum's in there having a bath
Starting point is 00:54:51 face down and I'd be on the litmus test fucking feeling well before I was wet your dad took
Starting point is 00:55:04 his wedding ring off to go to VR earlier today it was around about 2pm aye he said aye they dropped me
Starting point is 00:55:10 I'll be I'll be needing this you can defend him you have to because of the heat aye can't be funny though your dad uses his feet
Starting point is 00:55:20 to scratch his ears like a dog it's fucking awful when he's wearing his stilettos wheelies when we crossed the road earlier
Starting point is 00:55:31 today your dad didn't realise and he kept walking around the pavement chatting away to himself
Starting point is 00:55:35 that was around about midday yeah your dad hides a thank you note in a metal case up his asshole and then
Starting point is 00:55:42 goes through customs they walk through they go up there what's this they open up they're expecting to find a stash just says thank you he just marches he just marches to put his gloves in the hand me again frequent flyer points are clocking
Starting point is 00:56:06 up the next inspection is free earlier on your dad was you're just mocking my dad for something
Starting point is 00:56:15 he's actually done it earlier on your dad was trying to open the glove box but he couldn't because his knees
Starting point is 00:56:21 went in the way and it took him a good 30 seconds to figure that out did that or did that not happen I did that the glove box but he couldn't because his knees went in the way and it took him a good 30 seconds to figure that out dick prick did that I did that I did
Starting point is 00:56:29 I did alright bye

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