Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.26 Nature's Ecstasy

Episode Date: February 22, 2018

From a grimey Ibis in Glasgow, Muggins continues the podcast while Cream is still State side, this time joined by Mark Nelson straight from the nursary run, they disect Natalie's outlandish anxiety dream and discuss shit night clubs, childhood, Down syndrome and the use of the humble-brag. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Sloss and Humphries on the Road, where if you can't handle me at my muggins, you don't deserve me at my cream. I am here in Glasgow, the beloved city of Mark Nelson, who's sat in front of me. Hello. And Nelson, it's Thursday. Yeah. You've just dropped your child off your elder stuff at nursery

yep and you've walked into me Ibis hotel room in the afternoon and cracked open a can of Fosters yeah a can of Stella

sorry the weekend starts here man I love your style when you er started a family you just carried on as normal didn't you

the session the session isn't over aye aye I can aye I can I can I'm a part time sessioner now I'd die

I'd fucking love you as a dad I mean if your dad listens if that turns out I really I really I really appreciate

my dad putting the session on hold to raise his children but I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean dad putting the session on hold to raise his children. Aaron Sheamus is going to respect you as a gangster. I was saying to Elliot,

you and Sheamus are probably going to fight when he's older. Probably. Aaron is probably coming to fisticuffs. He's proper hard though. Like for a two-year-old, he's proper stocky and solid. I didn't mean no. Oh, no, no, no. He can take a punch. I wasn't going to. Oh, no, no, no. He can't take a punch.

Oh, isn't he going to offer him outside now? As soon as I get you out of that car seat, you're fucking dead. But he's a robust kid then. Oh, he's a bit, aye. And he doesn't, what I like about him, he doesn't take any shit. Like, I've seen him fucking square up to, like, six-year-olds and stuff like that if they're pushing him off something. It's quality to watch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's obvious, like, you don't want your kids something. It's quality to watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's obvious. You don't want your kids to fight. But he's got self-respect. When you see that, you're like, fucking right, man. That's awesome.

That's a nice hotel, Kai. It's the worst, mate, because you haven't stayed in this one, have you? No. Because you're walking distance from the comedy club. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So the stand put on nice accommodation in Newcastle where you stay. Right next to the venue. Next to the venue. Lovely hotel. walking distance from the comedy club so the stand put on nice accommodation in Newcastle right next to the venue lovely hotel and then in

Edinburgh they've got just across the road from the venue they've got a fucking lovely flat

oh it's amazing it's a comics condo isn't it yeah yeah yeah I've only stayed in that flat once I was through

in Edinburgh during a weekend and I got I got snowed in like I couldn't take my car home because you would commute for the Edinburgh gigs so I'd drive back I was through in Edinburgh during a weekend and I got I got snowed in like I couldn't take my car home because you would commute for the Edinburgh gigs

I would go so I'd drive back but the snow was so bad I couldn't drive back so they went I'll just stay in the flat and I walked over to the flat and Mick Ferry

was just coming out of the show just bollock naked alright thanks hold on yeah Jesus so yeah not shy

but it's awesome that flat So yeah So this one Glasgow Which is Even though Edinburgh Is the first club I would say Glasgow

Is the flagship one Because it's probably The biggest It's the most fun to do as well I quite like I like Newcastle I mean they're all Belt as no one

But I always say Glasgow is the leading Leading club It definitely is Revenue wise As a business And then they've got Because they're considering It's a long weekend as well I always say Glasgow is the leading club. It definitely is revenue-wise. Oh, aye. As a business. Aye.

Aye. And then they've got us... Because, you know, it's a long weekend as well. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Aye. Do you want to describe your room to the listeners? It's like... It's like...

Because I've been in this kind of thing. Have you ever stayed in an Easy Hotel? Is that the EasyJet one? Yeah, EasyJet do hotels. I was in one with no windows. Aye, aye. It's smaller than this. And they had, like, that plastic orange, like... Aye, aye. Is that the like EasyJet one Ah EasyJet Do hotels I was in one with No windows Aye aye It's smaller than this And they had like

That plastic orange Aye aye Like the The walls are made Of the same stuff As the The overhead lockers Aye yeah yeah

It looks like They just make all the rooms In a factory somewhere And then just deliver them Like they're just Slotting rooms You know It's like Lego

But this I mean this is Kind of like that They're like the pods In Aliens Aye because There isn't like they're just slot in rooms you know it's like lego but this i mean that this is kind of like that they're like the pods and aliens because there isn't a it's one room there's no separate bathroom but they kind of put this like fake wall in like a little pod for the eye just for the toilet for the toilet so like if you're sharing this room like like you've got a weekend away i mean the relationship is really on the rocks. If you're fucking treating someone to an IVF.

Nice enough. Do you reckon, do you reckon like posh people have the working class experience in this kind of like, you know how like working class people go on holiday and try out a different lifestyle, right? Yeah. We don't have like a nice hotel. We'll indulge ourselves.

Whereas that may just be the normal life do you reckon they'll come to the Iris just for a little bit of council role proper common people kind of stuff oh god give us the dirtiest room you've got I don't even make it up after the last guest

what that review of Fudgey cracked and feel about it the vortex, the walls, which I think is an interesting choice. Aye. Yeah. That's like what you used to do to the ceiling

back in the day. Do people still do that now? Do people still Artex the ceiling? Probably not. I imagine some people, aye, some folk will.

Will millennials even know what Artex is? Probably not. It's really like, I guess you dab a sponge on the wet paint and it'll look spiky. They don't even know

what fucking roofs are. I've grazed my arm on that wall before coming in pissed I made out of the garage oh I got the garage yes man good night at the garage

the garage I so I used to go to the garage all the time when I was at uni did you and it was like this fucking go to club

and I'd not been for years any club in this I think I might have mentioned this before but any club in a city, because we do a lot of city hopping,

we've been to every city, right? Yeah. The club I want to go to is the one the locals tell you not to. Oh, aye. Oh, Christ. To an Edinburgh Tive in Dublin, it's Copperface Jacks.

Aye. In Glasgow, it's the garage. Aye. Aye. If you fucking get in the garage, you're going to have a belter. Aye, exactly, aye. If the locals are saying,

don't go there. Aye, I know, aye. Obviously, it's going to be a class laugh. That's because they're having that, like, the, what's it, there's got to be a word for it where, like, you're ashamed of your city's, like, fucking dark corners. Aye, aye. A little snobbery towards your road.

Yeah, yeah, totally, aye. Snobbery's there, aye. It's a little bit of snobbery towards the road, isn't it? But, like, don't hide what you really like. Aye, aye. I always like going to the grim areas so the last time I went I went with my pal

Colin, and Colin's a guy that always comes to music festivals with me, like he came to Rock Ness and all that oh yeah, Professional Plus One yeah, that's like my rickets yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so me and Caldo went, we'd gone to a gig I can't even remember who we'd gone to see at the academy.

And we'd gone, we'll go to the garage, and we were like, we'll never get in, because we were pished, we were fucking out of the game. And it was that kind of Jedi mind trick, where you just walked through, as if there was no question of you getting in. And we just went to the bench and said, you all right, boys? And then just straight in then just straight in whereas like before when we were younger we'd have been nervous as fuck getting in and like oh you know like even when we didn't have ids but

even when we were a bit pissed when we were at uni getting nervous getting in and we went in there and it was honestly it was such an eye-opener in terms of how young we're just going in like so you used to go in in the past? Yeah. When you used to queue for it and shit like that? Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. What is this? We didn't even, there was a queue, we didn't even stay in the queue, we just walked straight

in the front door as if we were like celebrities or some shit like that. Yeah, Tom Stead's routine when he's like, if I go to a nightclub,

somebody goes, somebody's in trouble, their dad's here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Like,

you just waltz in, the doorman's like fucking just expecting you to carry your daughter out of it. Yeah, yeah. Two girls come up to us at the bar and went, why are you here? It's like the most devastating. And then they had a bouncy castle on in the middle of it. So we went in the bouncy castle and I was so pissed that I couldn't get back off it so I had all these

fucking teenagers jumping up around me and me just crawling out through their legs it was a sad sad state of a film I pulled up there once did you?

in college? in 2011 last from the Shetland Islands nice nice very nice I didn't even know

they existed at the time I didn't even know they were at the time I didn't even know they were in a shetland and I was like where's that just like north of Scotland

I was like is that not the fucking ice cap thing yeah certainly you fucking you fucking viking I'll walk you back

to your longboat what about it oh man oh so I wanted to ask you more because you're a you're a married man um did you uh plan your wedding much did you have much to do um like well my wife amy she did the majority of it yeah but it was a pretty it was a pretty lax affair like so we never really we got we got married and reception in the same place like you're doing

and that makes it a lot easier because you don't have any transport of people and, yeah, so I, yeah, I've got a little

logistical nightmare for everyone. Like, we had a, the photographer we got was just someone, like, we didn't really have any,

like, kind of, staged photos. Do you know what I mean? Like, when you go to a wedding and the married couple get taken away for about three hours and they get fucking all these... Yeah, fuck that noise. Sit on a hair bail.

Aye. Fuck that shit. You were sitting on a hair bail on me, weren't you? Aye. Aye. I do this all the time. Aye. And then there's, like, they need to bring in different parts of the family and the picture

just grows. And you get some prick, like, corr corralling people like cats, you know. And so, so yeah, we just had someone that took photos just wandering about. So they're all like

natural kind of photos of just people having a laugh, people drinking, people chatting. So that's, that's all we had. So ours was a pretty much,

I've got Marty, you know, Marty who does the photographic post-doc. So basically, what's happened is me and Natalie because the hotel

that we're staying in where we're getting married you have to book the hotel for three days but we get the honeymoon suite for the day of the wedding so our room's free

for that day so we're going to get it done up and we're like let's just get a photographer in and have that room and we'll just book me pal

and that's pretty much the extent of the planning we've booked the venue told people where it is shut the invites out and and and

book the photographer we haven't got like any cake or flowers like if people are coming to a beef line and going where's the flowers at where are the cakes you won't

you won't get the patisserie get yourself a cake if you want one you don't need cakes but it's getting to the point now where everybody that we're bumming

who's house the wedding planning going I'm like fuck I don't know is there something I'm missing is there something more that we should be planning other than book a venue

book the meal we've got Ricketts is going to be the celebrant he's going to be the one fucking dog calling out

that lad oh sweet that's brilliant we're not really having a dress code people can rock up and whatever the fuck they want

shoes are optional no you don't you don't that kind of shite because when we started doing it and they started we're not really having a dress code people can rock up in whatever the fuck they want like our shoes are optional aye no you don't need all that kind of shite because like when we started doing it

and they started telling us about like fucking seat covers and charger plates it's like a big plate under your normal plate and they're like

three quid a pop you know what I mean three quid for a fucking big plate that nobody's even using I can have six of them

each please exactly can you just give me one massive plate do I look fucking Greek you do look a little bit Greek have you got a band no this is the thing

this is one thing where I stepped in a little bit because Natalie was just like oh we'll just get a playlist and we'll just put a Spotify playlist on I was like that's a little bit fucking too no frills to just plug your phone in so i got in touch with brett you know brett vincent he's

and i was like mate you mean like fucking picking up the pace of the evening a bit fuck oh yeah he's bringing his like laptop and shit and he's gonna that'll be amazing man that'll be cracking especially if as it's in Ibiza you can't get a fucking normal wedding band and ship them out like a fucking dancing queen and stuff like that

so we've just got that going on the venue is pretty compact but it's right on the beach so people will be in the atmosphere of the decked area but they'll be able to just wander it's right on the beach so like, like people will be like in the atmosphere of the, of the like kind of decked area but they'll be able

to just wander off and chill on the beach if they want a bit as well. But, so because, I'm going to play you this audio that I got last night off Natalie,

right, because, because we get a little bit stressed out about not being stressed out, a little bit like is there something that we're missing?

Natalie started having anxiety dreams which, Oh yes. Did you used to get them before doing gigs and stuff I've had them I get do you know what I get a dream

like this is proper Mugly talking about your fucking dreams like it really is I get this dream see especially when the

Fringe is coming up or you get a solo show and you've not written you know like we always leave it quite late on when we're writing stuff? Prop the homework on the bus. I always have this anxiety dream when I'm back at school

and I've got exams coming up and I've done literally fuck all four of them. And it's just pure expression of the fact that I've not done anything for the show. It's a worst case scenario it's the I think it's quite necessary it comes up with a fringe

when I first was running the Punch Drunk gigs I would like have fucking dreams about nobody turning up I would have dreams about like fucking actors getting

like not being able to find their way and not turning up and shit and I would go through all of that and then every now and again fucking something bad

happens at a gig and it's nowhere near as bad as what you've dealt with in your sleep of course it's almost like you bad as what you've dealt with in your sleep of course it's almost like you've fucking armaged yourself

it is probably muggly to talk about dreams which is why I pure hate at the end of No Country for Old Men

I was fucking loving that movie mate that was instant top 10 movie and then at the end no spoilers because spoilers

are muggly even though it's a 2008 film and there should be a decade decade clause on when you talk about shit right fuck it if you haven't watched it you're not bothered right we'll get that um so fuck tommy lee jones talks about two of his dreams at the end of the at the end of the movie hi and it didn't have anything today really with you know what like oh you might have been able to find some mystic connection with his dream and what's going on right but who gives a fuck he's had a dream

I agree with you on the dream but I kind of like Gareth's thing that he was basically that was like

the title like he was realising that he had no kind of he had no place in that world anymore

he didn't have a place in the film if you mind he didn't really interact with any of the he turned up

he turned up late to the scene read a newspaper. His deputy was coming along with suggestions and he was like, I'm not bothered. I just want to go and watch. Or whatever. He's grinding out his minutes.

It's a proper cold film at some point. It is, man. When he fucking kills a dog at the beginning. Oh, Jesus. The dog's coming. He's trying to get the wet bullet out. It's a fucking biller. Such a good acting performance.

Such great acting. And then at the end you know what it felt like right like fucking spoiler alert if you don't want to know what happens close your ears now close your ears um you only get when he gets murdered but like you don't see the murder which is quite artsy right you didn't get to see the protagonist die you just like oh that's brand new never seen that before it fucking hits you as a shock but then the movie rapidly declines and you're like

oh did that actor quit and they just wrapped up the movie I know what you mean they just went like oh well do a body up to look like him

and we take a dream scene at the end and make it out I was just like that was the best film I've ever heard until like the last 20 minutes I'm gonna go and watch it again

because it's been a couple of years since I've seen it so I'm gonna go I'm gonna revisit it I might it again because it's been a couple of years since I've seen it. So I'm going to revisit it. I might actually read fan theories on the ending and then watch it with that in mind instead of trying to interpret it. I think I refused to interpret it because dreams are muggly. Yeah, aye, aye.

However, on the topic of muggly dreams, listen to this shit. If I can find it. Yeah, so Natalie just sometimes randomly leaves us WhatsApp audios. if I can find it yeah so like Natalie just sometimes when like randomly leaves his WhatsApp audios she's going to play on speaker

but check this out so I had some crazy oh start this again it's coming up there what the fuck's going on with my phone

mate you can't what's going on with my phone? Mate, you can't... What's going on? I have no idea. This is on a podcast as well? I think it's because it's trying to connect shit to the Wi-Fi. Right. Why is it doing that? I have no idea why it's doing that.

I'm going to pause the podcast and fix this, right? So it turns out that putting the mic next to your phone cuts off the audio. That's what we're going to do. That's proper. I've never seen that before. Put the mic next to your phone Cuts off the audio That's proper I've never seen that before So I play it without the mic So what I'm going to do

Is I'm going to play it so that we can hear it Put the mic near it so it doesn't cut off And then when I come to edit it I'll up the audio But this is Natalie's anxiety dream about our wedding So I had some crazy Crazy ass wedding anxiety dreams Last night anxiety dream about our wedding so I had some crazy crazy ass wedding anxiety dreams last night

like I feel like I've not slept so I basically in my dream it was our wedding day and we were getting married but we were in a synagogue and I was like why the fuck are we in a synagogue except like my dad was going yeah it costs like 1500 quid for the synagogue

and I was like what i don't even understand why we booked it like bought it i was like annoyed and then i was waiting outside and i was looking for my dad because he was meant to walk me in and he disappeared and for some reason i knew he was going to go to the toilet in the woods at the back i was like oh god i need to wait for my dad because he's going to the toilet and then my dress kept changing from white to red and then we kind of had to like wade through the shallowing of this pool and i was like oh my god my dress is changing from white to red and then we kind of had to like wade through the shallow end of this pool and i was like oh my god my dress is getting wet i don't think this was

part of the plan and then when i got to you i was like oh fuck like as i arrived at you i was like oh fuck fuck fuck we've not run our vows like i don't know what we're gonna say here and uh you were like yeah it's fine i was like we don't have the rings and you were like yeah we need to get rings and um i've got vows and i was like i don't have a vow and then in my mind i was like oh i'll just say this i know what i'm gonna say but it's not gonna be that like it's gonna be like quite short um and then all these like fucking nine-year-old kids were there and they were like just making a mess and being really chavvy and i was like whose fucking kids are these like the whole thing I was like having the worst time

and I was I woke up this morning like I have not slept all I've done is like have a nightmare wedding but I woke up delighted that I'm not getting married in a red dress in a synagogue for extra money so

actually it's win-win so I don't know about you fucking leave on me I think that sounds like a bill to win there's a lot of things like would you know I wouldn't know, I know what a synagogue is but I wouldn't recognise a synagogue

you know like I don't know what defines a synagogue as opposed to other you're just this venue's own name yeah exactly why is the star

of David yeah exactly but man that sounds like a fucking poor bill I woke up in the morning with a headache

going did your dad have a shit in the woods when he was about to walk into the area why is there

a synagogue in the woods for creepy fucking Natalie made last night when you're fucking knee deep I swear to you, it doesn't matter what I can do now. Why is there a synagogue in the woods? Creepy fucking... Natalie made last night when you were fucking knee deep in the fucking pool. You fucking mad, couldn't we? I went to dress on.

Where did you get that from? I changed to red. You kept changing to red. It was like that one off the Facebook, like it's this blue, how's it called? I can't believe you got one of them for the win

extravagant apparently the cynical cost a lot of money I would obviously obviously like none of that

say none of that's going to happen but I would genuinely love it if just halfway through the ceremony

Natalie's dad just interrupts Ricketts and just goes just hold on a wee minute it's going to take a shit behind that rock.

Or if he just wades out into the sea, just drops his trues and lets them float out in the air. Natalie runs out after her when her dress gets wet. Not part of the plan. Fucking nine-year-old chaps running around everywhere

at a real specific age as well a variety of children like a fucking a classroom a year group on a school trip to the synagogue you know

the usual because as I was saying it's like anxiety dreams The usual. Because as I was saying, it's like anxiety dreams are to prepare you for the worst case scenario. Act not showing up. Aye. The fucking crowd not showing up, right?

Aye. But you've got to fucking like bring in your parameters of what is the worst case scenario. Aye, exactly. Aye, aye. That's outlandish. I mean, I'll tell you

what was the realistic part of that was when she went oh fuck we need rings and I was like aye we need to get rings that would literally

be my response that would be my response I forgot to be Wednesday and we both realised in the heat of organising Ibiza and all the shit we forgot to get rings

and she went oh we need rings I'd be like aye aye well we'll have rings I think that went oh we need rings I'd be like aye aye well we'll have rings aye

I think that's as good as stressed as I would get aye I think the most realistic part of that

dream was how stressed I was when we were going to have rings aye exactly it's not

that stressful we watched it last night you watched Don't Tell the Bride is that the one where

the fella chooses everything aye aye so there's a British version of it

and then last night we watched an E4 Don't Tell Your Bride Ireland. And it just takes it on to a whole new fucking level. It's like all these fucking gypsy families getting married. But it's ridiculous. Because when you watch that you realise how ridiculous

weddings are. And people put so much pressure on themselves. Like how can you enjoy the day if you've like if you make or manage every little part of the occasion aye

like and everything has to go to the exact specification of your vision aye you're never gonna have a good time no

you're never gonna have a shit time no the way I've seen it right is like I've found this excuse to get out of me loved ones

and all of Natalie's loved ones on the same holder aye it's like right this wedding is my one card that I can play.

Aye, exactly. My call, I'm going to call Polly with all of my friends and everybody has to fucking drop what they're doing and fucking take on

the financial burden of coming on me holder. Aye. But it's my fucking one ticket to get everyone on holder. Aye. And so far, it's like fucking mission accomplished.

Aye. We've got a spot, a venue, and people are starting to organise themselves and book the accommodation and flights and all that shit right

and I'm like I've got everyone on hold and although the main focus is me and Natalie are getting married and the celebration of what togetherness

and shit they are right the what it's facilitating is important now whether there's a flower arrangement or like I said about the cakes

or if the fucking doves fly and the fucking all this fucking trimmings right they're there by the by I've got I've got

I've got Natalie in front of us we're getting married we're on a beach like even if fucking like I can't imagine like even if it started raining now Natalie would be fucking pissed

if it started raining but we're gonna have a good time we're gonna have a belt so whatever happens as long as we're all there we're out together there's alcohol flowing. We can get in touch

with a sketchy dealer. Who's that guy? Who's that guy in the top table? Who's that Mexican-looking fella in the top table? Scabs around his mouth. Oh, fuck.

He's making a speech everyone in the room is why does everyone have to talk to him so see Ricketts did he have to go through did he have to do any

courses or shit like that for the nah because it's abroad so it's ah right so it's just all not cool so we'll have to do

paperwork and close doors like back home but to officiate it so it's just all ah cool so we'll have to do paperwork how he closed doors like back home but to officiate it so he doesn't need a bit of ah sound so he can just

basically do it the way he wants to do it because it's ceremonial ah sound so he can just fucking lead it and he's whatever

fucking bring his gospel choir see what he pulls out the back imagine he didn't imagine he took on some like like he did it in a voodoo religion

or some shit like that. He brought like fucking monkeys with human faces and shit. Like a festival of the dead. We had a, we had a celebrant, what's the non-religion? A humanist.

A humanist, yeah. Weion oh humanist humanist yeah you had a humanist and she's a lovely lovely woman she's like one of the top like humanists

I think she did like she did like one of the first gay marriages in Scotland and she's oh she did Patrick Harvey's

marriage leader of the not the Liberal Party the Green Party oh you got the humanist to the stars Yeah, yeah, yeah So she's like this kind of

middle aged woman and she's a lesbian as well and when I told my pals, I told like Caldo and that, we're having a lesbian they were like, oh is she like proper, proper lesbian and I was like, aye I'm pretty sure so is there any chance we'll get to like see, and I was like proper proper lesbian practising lesbian aye and I was like aye I'm pretty sure so is there any chance

we'll get to like see and I was like what the fuck do you think is going to happen if she was straight if she was straight

do you think she'd say a dick I know as if she's going to just hoik Amy's mum away just to fucking fist her halfway through the ceremony it's like

of course nothing's going to happen you fucking idiot like oh man my mate Keith came out to his parents

right and they kind of already knew you know I think you know Keith I'm worried about as well do you know

I don't want to give you his identity way too much respect his privacy but yeah he came out to his parents and then his mum

got him with a cell later on and went, I know you're getting everything, Keith, but don't hit on your dad. Don't hit on your dad? Oh my God. He's like, mum, did you think before I came out I would have had my eyes on you? I know. Oh my God. Don't hit on your dad. came out I always had my eyes on you oh my god no hitting on

your dad oh Jesus Christ what a horrible upbringing that would be if you fancied your dad

oh Jesus just fucking breastfeeding of your mum with iron on your dad's tits I think

that's like that that that next step no one has lost this routine didn't they yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah what about it oh man so we'll do some muggle corners right yeah you had some left over from last time didn't you

I did did you make some new ones I have got a new one but it's a bit I don't know it's a bit it's a bit wanky

I quite like I wanted to stretch because that's what makes a discussion discussion right like sometimes there's like a shoe in and there's not much

discussion to be had but sometimes sometimes we'll get the ones where we'll put it in muggle corner like fucking putting your fucking

bag on the train seat and you're like that ain't muggly that's just been an arsehole aye aye aye

it's just been a dick eye so do you want to explain and what's good about this one is it's one

that I've been guilty of in the past as well it's people that I've been guilty of in the past as well. It's people that show fake humility. Oh, yeah? Particularly, like, comics do it all the time.

Yeah. So on a Facebook status... We're trained on it. Yeah, if a Facebook status comes up and you've been publicising a show and the show's sold out, and then you go, oh, my God my god this is incredible I can't believe this is happening me, I mean me selling out a show

what's this all about I can't believe this is happening or then someone gets booked for a TV show like Mock Week or something like that and they'll come on and go well someone's clearly made a mistake because for some reason they've booked me and you're going, it's so fucking it's so attention

seeking but not thinking you've been attention seeking but you've actually gone worse than if you'd gone, if you'd come out and gone, I've been booted for this about fucking time then you'd look like a dick but at least you wouldn't be calculating in it, do you know what I mean?

I used to have that working class overwhelmed feeling of like oh my god this shouldn't be calculating. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I used to have that working class, overwhelmed feeling of like, oh my God, this shouldn't be happening to me. I'm getting away with it, right? I used to have that, right? But now when I'm fucking on my trip to LA, I'm just like, it just feels normal now. And I love it.

I embrace it. I'm just like, of course I'm going to LA. Not like fucking fanning my face from my hand. Like, oh my God, I'm going to LA. I'm just like fucking writing. I know, I know. I've earned me stripes in this industry I can fucking

I can get about there's a way you can do it as well there's a way you can show like kind of you don't need to be arrogant about it

you can be humble yeah but you can also go I fucking worked hard for this and I kind of you know I mean like if you sell out a show

all you really need to do is go I'm delighted to have done this thanks so much to everybody that's bought one I'm really looking forward

to the gig now right that's it you don't need to go oh my god this is unreal how did this ever happen it happened because

you publicised it and you wanted it to sell out it's a natural thing that's happened to do with what the fuck you did. It's not like... It's the booty of labour.

Yeah, exactly. They plant the seed and go, oh my God, I can't believe it, I grew a flower and we got it. They had it on your planet, that seed, and what had it every day. Yeah. If you'd booked a show and then purposely made sure no one ever knew about it and then you'd sold it out, then you can go, I can't believe this has happened

how the fuck did this happen to me because you genuinely think this is a mistake exactly aye aye but when you've actually put it up and advertised it it's like

I just there was one moment that was my first ever friend show in Perth right in Australia my first ever solo show in

overseas really and I'm there I fucking sell out on the first day of in overseas really and I'm there and I fucking sell out on the first day of the thing and I'm like I can't believe it how the fuck's this happened and it's because

the pub crawl had double booked on it that night so they had the other pub crawl people in and I genuinely couldn't believe why it was full so then I found out why it was full and I was like fucking sweet I'll take it

no exactly the disbelief come from actually genuinely yeah being in disbelief and you do take that and that's what's good about

that's what's good about comics as well and that's what's good about our kind of group because if anybody gets that you're able to fucking slice someone down in a nice way to get back down to earth because I remember the first, because I'm going down to do

so I'm going down to Manchester today to do the comedy store and I remember the first night I Manchester today to do the comedy store. And I remember the first night I was asked to close the comedy store. And that's a big fucking deal. That's the top of the tree. Exactly. The comedy store is the top of the tree

in the circuit comedy. And then closing it is the fucking top branch. Yeah, totally. So I was properly muggling it up. Like, this is incredible. This is like a dream come true and all this kind of shit like I can't believe I've been trusted to close

and then I think it was Alex Borman come on and went it's just because everybody else is doubling mate and that's the only reason and you go of course it's the only

fucking reason that's the only reason why I'm doing it well I'll fucking take it of course you'll take it I'm like I don't give a shit but I just I'm like I don't give a shit but

I just I and like I say I've been very guilty of it and I probably will be again I think it's a transition you make I think anybody that's new

and they're coming through and starting to get a break it is it is overwhelming and I feel like it's memories more of a, and I know working class is a discussion in comedy lately, but it's maybe a working class trait

that you've done your time in factories. You've done your fucking time with a fucking glass ceiling of a shit industry. And then you come into this industry where all of a sudden you're flying. And that's why I've been a little bit annoyed by the working class argument about there's fucking, yeah, you're flying. Yeah. And that's why I've been a little bit annoyed by the working class argument about there's a discrimination within comedy

towards working class people. Do you feel discriminated against? No, not at all. I feel fucking like, I feel like I've almost been like a class tourist where I am working class to my roots, but I'm living this middle class life that's been forwarded to me by comedy.

It's not that they've kept us down it's like I'm fucking out of the Alps next week and I'm kind of joining in and going oh yeah this fucking working class gets discriminated against I'm just going skiing full fucking you're staying in the Ibis it's bringing us back to the fucking earth

it is but it's just a thing probably in North England as well it's definitely stuck in the fucking earth it is but it's a thing probably in North England as well it's definitely a Scottish thing where

you kind of apologise for doing well it's like it's like it's like people don't

people like to see people succeed but only to a point and then they start to go who the fuck do you think

you are you're no many better than us so you kind of like and you find yourself I've found myself making excuses for stuff like if you point and then they start to go who the fuck do you think you are? You're no many better than us. And you find yourself, I've found myself making excuses for stuff like if you if you're talking to somebody about holiday or something like that that

you would consider a bit extravagant I always feel the need to go the only reason we've got a cracking deal on it, we've got a great deal, as if you're kind of going, you can't possibly go yeah I can afford to go on this holiday now, you have to make an excuse of how you were able to afford to go on it with a great deal as if you're kind of going you can't possibly go yeah I can afford to go on this holiday now you have to make an excuse

of how you were able to afford to go on it how you were afforded it do you know what I mean it's just that kind of I do feel that that working class guilt gets us from time to time

where this happened went to the Festival of Lights at Canary Wharf so Natalie's friend organised the whole thing and me and Natalie went to get a guided tour, round up with the girl who organized it,

and we get to one of the main attractions, and there's a big queue to use it, because you get the photo taken, but then your photo instantly gets projected onto the wall, and you can't cast a shadow on it, and you can use these lights to draw on it with neon, and it's fucking amazing. You just become as if you've been graffitied onto the wall,

and it with neon. All right. And it's fucking amazing. You just become like as if you've been graffitied onto the wall. And it's brilliant. It was a fucking remarkable thing to look at and interact with and everything. But there's a massive queue of people waiting to use it.

But because Pip organized the whole thing, she just walked up to the front, went, these are my friends, can they have a go? And I was looking at this queue going,

this isn't right. And these there, Natalie and Pip, I didn't feel a thing because they're pretty girls, they haven't queued for shit. Oh yeah, exactly.

And I'm there, this fucking because they're pretty girls. They haven't queued for shit. Aye, aye, exactly, aye. And I'm there, this fucking little street urchin guy. Aye, aye. I deserve to be fucking not standing with him. Aye. And I felt like that guilt came with it. I'm going to take a wild stab that Pippa isn't working class. The girl that organised the Festival of Late Actionary late didn't come from the mean streets

of fucking Easter House. Very few families in Govan grow up calling their kid Peppa. Peppa! Peppa! You're fucking awesome. Your sister's left the bathwater. Felicity,

get out of the bathwater. Get out of the bathwater. Felicity get out of the bath Sebastian oh man you better not be playing in my golf club Sebastian oh man did you used to do that

like share the bath water oh aye aye we do it we do it with the kids now like we do it aye aye

because you can it's no harm, fuck aye. Because you can. It's no harm, innit? Aye. Fucking save you the bother. Plus, you didn't, like, because we bath the kids every night. Aye. And I remember only having, like, a bath a week. I remember you sick.

Sunday night, that fucking night. That was only up until last year, you started changing that. Aye, aye. Fucking hell. You'd say, oh, Christ, I've got a shell of a mark. You come in, I've got a fucking seven or eight magic trees hanging from the roof. it's like that guy in seven where they're going to his room that's one back a bath a week we're Paul Paul close oh man but I fucking had a shower

and a bath and fucking your mother used to shout to you in the street when it was your turn for the bath do you think I don't remember that

no no I used to fucking hide me like I used to make them come looking for us I was a nightmare fucking getting off the street aye

you know when you're playing on the street and that that never happens now you never see kids playing on the street aye you know when you play around the street and that that never happens now you never see kids play in the street parents shooting from

their step to get their kids back in you never even see even kids get a bike for Christmas that was a proper fucking excellent Christmas morning

when you got your first bike you just take it out in the street and just ride about in it all day you don't see that shit anymore

paedophiles have stopped that they've started running faster pa Pedophiles have stopped that. They've started running faster. Pedophiles are in training. You know what? Me and my mates used to do this. I don't know if this was a common thing,

but we used to make ramps, right? Just like bits of fucking wood at the allotments and all that. And lie that other kids doing at the other side of the ramp, so you would have like two or three kids lying down, and then you would fucking ride up the ramp and jump the kids fucking evil

evil kind of thing and then you would get like five or six and you'd have to get like a massive fucking pedal up the street but when it started

getting to the fucking heavy end right we've got my mate Andy he's got down syndrome right he has now after someone

leathered him on the side of the head with a rally racer you know you never used to have it a fucking wheelie what happened to Andy a wheelie

a wheelie in a chromosome on him he's a fucking belt to Andy man he's one of my closest friends one of my old friends

I haven't seen him so much anymore because he doesn't really like is that the guy he talks about in the show I've the guy who talks about the show? I've talked about the show. Because I talked about the first time I had Eccles,

I bumped into him. I went back to his house because I was with his brother. And when I get to him, fucking Andy was up watching the wrestling and I was fucking... He had the exact same ecstasy as me from seeing his pal

that he hasn't seen in a couple of years. Aye, aye, aye. Right, as I had, from being on ecstasy. Aye, aye, aye. So I was talking about that. I was just like, fucking, like,

I have to take a pill to feel as happy as this cunt. Aye. There's our slogan. Is that hard? From being on ecstasy? I was tired about that. I was just like, fucking like, I have to take a pill to feel as happy as this cunt. There's our slogan. Down syndrome, nature's ecstasy. It is. He's a fucking belter, man. He's such a fucking...

He's got a mint sense of humour now. This happened, right? I was playing football in the park. This is awful we used to always put on our nets because he's got

palms which are quite thick so I thought he didn't need to keep my gloves we're just naive as kids we'd always get in pegs right and my dad

should have knew better but my dad took a fucking shot your dad was playing the game for fuck's sake my dad took a shot shot. Your dad was playing the game? For fuck's sake. My dad took a shot,

and they did fucking Andy right in the face, right? All terrain ball, you know, them fucking, the ones that haven't got, like, the patches stitched on, they're just like, fuck, they're made of rubber.

Right. And it belted him in the face, and Andy fucking doubled over. He didn't hit the deck, but he doubled over at the hips, and he's feeling his face and then he puts his hand around the back

of his head and starts feeling the back of his head right and my dad come up like and started stroking his

back and went yeah right Andy what are you rubbing the back of your head for and Andy went I'm looking

for my nose his nose had been smashed through to the back of his head I love that bit of a goatee with thick hands where does that stop nose had been smashed through to the back of his knee. The fucking ball of Pim and Cozy's thick hands.

Where does that stop? And Andy is going to move these hot coals for a second. It doesn't stop. Nobody had the bottle to be the fucking last man on the line of the fucking ramp. But we didn't know at the time because we were

fucking kids, right? We didn't know that he had no inhibitions because of his disability we just thought he was brave as fuck I just thought the kid was a tank he's a hero he's a hero

like fuck man you play knock your door ginger everyone's bottling knocking on Mr Barris because he's fucking quick to the door and he shakes his stick he gets a bead on you

he'll be the one that tells your parents you know go on Andy knock on Mr Barris the cunt will fucking wait Andy go and fucking take a truce with this dude knock on Mr Barris the cunt will fucking wait there Andy go and fucking

take a truce with this dude knock on Mr Barris he fucking stood there with his pants around his ankles we just thought he had fucking

balls of steel man but eh he was one of my fucking best pals I don't mean to tell this story oh god that's fucking

all he is I had a great time there oh I love the company but I always got at the end on the ramp now I took a blow now I took a this is a funny thing with Andy and Al

we play hide and seek we call it 21er for years I've only known hide and seek to be known 21er it got passed down from the other kids the older kids in the street well they play 21er and then you play and then you play with younger kids and you call it 21er it's still in seek to be known 21er it got passed down from the other kids the older kids in the street well they play 21er and then you play and then you play

with younger kids and you call it 21er it's still in this day call it 21er why though what's the I was just having a little fucking

I say the other day I was a couple of years ago I don't know it's like comedians the other day I was just perusing running my street

just like just ticking in the nostalgia I'm not running my childhood street much anymore and I taking in the nostalgia of like I don't whack around my childhood street that much anymore and I looked at the lamppost and the lamppost

had a serial code on it I'll lamppost do and it started with 2-1 and I was like oh the old kids must do the one that's den all the time

the lamppost that you always use as dens like lamppost ah cool that's nice that's pretty smart that must be why it's called 21er

when we were playing 21er there's a little wall so there's a lamppost there across from the lamppost to the garages, I'm going to say 10 metres away and the garages got this little wall across where there's a car park and space

and he used to always hide in the nearest spot towards the wall and just lie doing flat and always would always always just fucking run past him and not like as if he's not there and he'd just jump

over the wall and be like 21 yeti because you know if you went and you caught him fucking straight away

aye that means he was on aye the game would never end no I think you knew that I think you knew well they're not going

to catch me first aye because the person that's caught first is on next. Aye, aye, aye, aye. The next few is going to be fucking... The game's a farce. Everyone's hiding.

He's fucking trying to get a bit of chewing gum off the fucking tarmac with a stick. Like fucking Andy, man. You're going to be looking for him. Class. What a lovely bastard. So, I don't know how we digressed so far

I know I know so aye but your muggle corner was aye insincere humbleness insincere aye

aye it's like the opposite aye kind of humble bragging but the opposite of humble bragging and it's erm you know it's

you know what's really tough about this job it's humble bragging actually aye yeah what's tricky it's not it's um you know it's you know what's really tough about this job actually yeah what's tricky it's not it's not tough it's a it's a real like fucking look luxury there but it's tricky is that you want to document your life on facebook you want to let people know where you're going where you are you also want it to be i use facebook as a little bit of a diary because i love the time hop i love it when it comes up oh this time last this time last year I was there you're fucking darting around it's a good dear diary

it's a good way to put where you're going but you start feeling like just by documenting your life you're rubbing it in people's faces you don't want to look like a dick

and that's that working class guilt as well because you know what it's like to be fucking stuck in a factory on your break and you look at Facebook and see one of your

fucking pals exactly in LA and fucking in the Alps you're proud of it and you want to talk about it but it's a funny

one of how do you package it if you're going to put it online how do you do it without looking like a dick it's hard to

talk about good things that are happening which brings it on to it I think I'm going to call my show this year

Team Smug I want to rebrand the way we see Smug because this is where Team Smug came from we were on holiday in Magaluf 2014 and it was like a Las Vegas moment where you relive

an old holiday with the same people so we went on the first stag do with me mates in 2007. We went to Magaluf in the same group of lads, went for a different lads wedding seven years later. Oh, nice. 2014, right. And we were just there like reliving what old stomping ground. And everyone at this point, it's the first time we went, like most people are single, right. This time we go, most people are married.

Right. And there was 15 lads there, 14, were either married or in long-term relationships. And one lad, Ricketts, who wasn't. He's the one single fucking unit in the group. And on a night out when he was getting shots, he told a girl he would buy shots for everybody in the group if she got her boobs out for a photo, right?

So fucking Ricketts gets a selfie with a short girl with a titsuit and posted it online the next day and that next day was a fucking divide in the group between seven of the boys who were getting

a fucking world of shit off that bird back home right fucking whacking one of the pool on the phone dealing with text messages face a fucking

like a slapped arse and just fucking seven of them just there fucking cocktail in hand sipping away and that was we're not getting shit

aye and we were smug up with it aye we were properly smug it was team smug and team nuts and smug and that's where everything that we're

fucking had to do where we had to split into fucking teams was that even now right this is fucking 2018 this is four years later

we'll play five a side and we'll play team smug versus team nuts and smug and we'll play five a side and we'll play Team Smug versus Team Lots of Smug. We'll play five a side. I'm fucking joking. There's people who get shit off their bed and people who are living a fucking nice, simple, easy life. That's quality.

Yet smug is something that's frowned upon. Isn't smug something we should aim for? Have you looked up the dictionary definition of smug? No. It's self-satisfied. Surely you should be satisfied in yourself it's pleased with

yourself and proud of yourself so we spend our life telling people have confidence in yourself believe in yourself but the minute you

have confidence in yourself the minute you do believe in yourself you're like who's that cunt so as soon as you achieve the goal

that everyone's fucking encouraging you to achieve, you're smug. Aye. And that's a bad thing. But that's a, that's a,

again, that's a, not just a working class thing, that's a lot of a school thing as well because if you ever meet people from private schools, like, I've, like we used to,

we went to, we took my daughter to a, like a, it wasn't like a, say again, to a, like a it wasn't like a say again I'm apologising, it wasn't like a private school dance class, but it was just a dance class and they used the hall of the private school Was that near the NHS?

You go in and there's like, there's slogans everywhere and you can see like, people come out of private school and people kind of go, oh they get into jobs because they know someone or their dad works there their dad plays golf with the guy that works there and a lot of the time it's not it's just they come out of school with so much more self-confidence because they're taught that from school yeah whereas where we get went to school you're kind of taught that you're fucking useless most of the time. I mean, any kind of confidence is beating out of you because...

Reach the age of fucking 20, you kind of swim. Exactly, you know what I mean? So that is a massive thing. It's a proper... Private education gives you that self. Well, any private lessons. Like, we went... Because I used to be a swimming teacher,

and we would do that there. One of the selling points for the one-to-one lessons is that it improves your confidence. And I guess that works with anything that's where you're doing like guitar lessons and you do what masterful

in all in doing martial arts gymnastics any kids that are doing like extracurricular lessons and becoming good at something are going to end up with confidence

yeah of course because you end up where you're like a fucking dummy with no skills and basic foundation level yeah yeah yeah yeah

nice so I think it's a fine line with that smokiness isn't it with no skills and basic foundation level. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Aye, so. So, I think it's a fine line with that smokiness, isn't it? Like, you want to be proud of your achievements and you want to be happy.

Aye, aye. But it's... I suppose it comes down to yourself. If you feel like you're being a dick putting it up, then... And the thing is... If you're lording over people

with your achievements. Aye, aye. Your achievements should all be personal. You shouldn't be, like like benchmarked against other people. Yeah. And you also, there is a fine line between showing off and just being chuffed at what you're up to.

And I don't think, I mean, I don't think anyone's ever really, even though we both clearly feel like we're kind of doing that, no one's ever come up to me and gone, fucking rein that in a bit because... You smoke prick. Aye, aye, aye.

You know what I mean? They're just talking about WhatsApp groups. I would love to see. Because I think everybody in the world has been talked about at some point in a WhatsApp group. Oh, Christ. Like, if you haven't been, if you haven't been,

you're dull as fuck. Aye, aye, aye. You're dull to the point of mediocrity. People can't even be bothered hating you. So, I would fucking love, and like, I wouldn't even be mad at the people, like, you know,

if I was to see a fucking ticker tape of shit that was said about me by people in WhatsApp groups, I wouldn't even have to see the info that people say in it because I believe that if people are talking shit behind your back, right, that's their property. I don't think that's anything to do with

you even i've got this and i just feel safe and for myself if anyone looks through my phone but i would fucking love to see that shit like it would be interesting like i've seen these um like sometimes like, like, one-minute promo videos. I don't know what platform they're on, but where people are reading out hate mail that they got off Twitter. Oh, yeah, like, what's his name? One of the talk shows. It's either Jimmy Kimmel or Jimmy Fallon.

Is that what it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's felt alike. Oh, it's hilarious. It's absolutely fucking hilarious. Because what they're getting is like is major celebrities I think Conor McGregor

done one you know like when they're major celebrities they don't need to say into people's whatsapp groups to say

shit people are talking because people see them as like this fucking disconnected entity that they're not human so they can just talk about them publicly

so they're like it floods over from whatsapp into social media and they get to say that shit but you can see when they're reading it out they from whatsapp into social media and they get to see that shit but you can see when they're reading it out they're totally at peace with what of course there was a there was a time that because that's twitter that's a lot of that's like twitter gives you because it used to be like if you hated a celebrity and you wanted to let them know

you'd have to fucking you'd have to go into some work. You'd have to find out their address. Oh, you'd have to be a genuine psychopath, right? Write to them and then go and post it. You know what I mean? Get a stump. Exactly. Whereas now you can just sit and... But I felt bad about it once.

I was coming back from a gig on a Sunday after a weekend and Joe Heenan, another comic... Mint comic. And Mint on Facebook and twitter as well amazing on twitter if any listeners aren't following joe heenan yeah yeah um so he'd put a tweet up saying that groundhog day was on that afternoon on channel five and how it was one of his favorite films

so i'd replied to him and gone uh one of my favorite films as well it's such a good film even andy mcdowell can't ruin it. Yeah. Right? And I hadn't, like, attied her in or anything like that. I'd just put her name. And then about an hour later, me and Joe both get a reply from the real Andy McDowell. Oh my God.

Asking us who they'd have had in the film instead of her. Instead of her. Oh no. I went on her page and she had, like, replies to so many people who'd been slagging her off. And I was like that kind of, I felt bad because I was like, well, that's not fair.

I've never met the woman and I'm just slagging her off in a public forum. But then I was also kind of going, she's looking for it. She must have known that Groundhog Day was on in Britain on Channel 5 that afternoon and then searched their own name for abuse and that's kind of like oh god

it was just like this is a resurgence it's like oh it's getting played again this is my but that's horrible like searching your own you know

searching for abuse about yourself it happened also but it wasn't a reply but I I put a tweet about Mr Hudson you know the singer

yeah yeah yeah so I remember seeing him at the Clooney right I was checking out the venue for a comedy gig in like 2009 but I put a tweet about Mr. Hudson, you know, the singer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I remember seeing him at the Clooney, right? I was checking out a venue for a comedy gig in like 2009, right? And Mr. Hudson was on. And I was like, this fucking guy's amazing. Loved him. Next thing you know,

he's got a song in the charts with Kanye in Jay-Z like a couple of months later. And he just went fucking stratospheric from like seeing him in the Clooney, stratospheric to like, and I listen to that album everywhere like fucking it still brings back

memories if I put it on because that's when I first started travelling with comedy so it takes us to fucking wandering around and being on trains and it takes us back

to that moment it's kind of a shame that it was flash in the pan but you know what he's probably doing that right if you've hit it

that big you're probably going to be grand for a while right and I just tweeted, I wonder what Mr. Hudson's doing now. He probably works in the post office or something.

Right? And fucking, not that long after, fucking Mr. Hudson likes this. Fucking hearted it. And I looked him up and I was just saying, fuck, it's actually him now. Like, he's a fucking sellout.

But have you ever seen James Blunt engaging with people? Oh, it's amazing. He searches for people. He's one of the best on Twitter. But his comebacks are so fucking good. They're so good. We, I'll tell you the story really. We had this it was on my

my stag do. It was in Magaluf as well. And me and my pal Murphy were walking back late at night. It was just the two of us. Walking back at like three in the morning and there was a load of commotion in one of the bars

and a load of girls around one guy and it was remember Bass Hunter yeah like the kind of Euro dance act he was in one of the

big brothers and what's going on over there I'm going to have to look up the tune after I can't remember that's Bass Hunter

he was like a decent long guy like long kind of blonde hair so we were so it was gorgeous we were passing him and

fucking bass hunter fucking bass hunter and I just because I was so pissed and such an obnoxious prick because it was like when you're on holiday

away you don't say you got your holiday head on the rules apply yeah exactly so I just went you're a fucking cunt bass hunter, right? So my pal's laughing his arse off and we're fucking giggling and running away.

And then we ended up about an hour later in the same bar as him. And I was sitting beside him just at the bar and just kind of went up to him and he was like, sorry about calling you a cunt there, mate. And he went, that's all right, it happens all the time. And then we had a drink together he was sound he was sound as fuck it was nice that he knew that he'd done a tongue and cheek

to impress your mate aye aye aye he would have been a jerk he would have probably just thought you were a pot of muggle I know fucking people always

think that Carl's a cunt I know he's so ridiculous I know so I'm going to the car was a cunt it was it was familiar I know it's so ridiculous I know so I'm gonna we're running fine on time

I don't mind overrunning a little bit because it's been a fun podcast but we'll do one more Muggle Corner right I'm gonna put in

Muggle Corner for people who say that sneezing's a fifth of an orgasm right okay yeah it's like a fact that isn't a fact and I don't know if the people saying it like no who say that sneezing is a fifth of an orgasm. Right, okay. Yeah, yeah.

It's like a fact that isn't a fact. And I don't know if the people saying it, like, no, it's not a fact. Where does it come from and why are people peddling that? So there's no scientific basis to what it's like.

I'm going to say no. I think it's safe to say that it's not the fifth of an orgasm. Oh. Because if you think what an orgasm is and what a sneeze is, they're not even fucking on the same ballpark they're not even the same sport fucking

pissing i know would be closer of course it is i i'm gonna piss there's someone coming at me dick i'm getting a sensation in that area it's a fraction i i i blowing up a balloon and getting out of breath is closer to an orgasm than i is yeah straggling yourself in the bathroom there's a great old joke where it's like a woman goes into work, a woman's been to the doctor and at work and her pal says to her why are we at the doctor this morning

she's like oh every time I sneeze I have an orgasm and she said are you taking anything for it and she went yeah pepper it's such a good joke unless that's it, I'm sneezing and going that feels nothing like an orgasm taking anything for it and she went, yeah, pepper. It's such a good joke. Unless that's it, unless I'm sneezing and going, that feels nothing

like an orgasm. Why is that a thing? But I've never had a female orgasm. Not exactly. Aye. Aye. So maybe it's

just a female orgasm. Which means, which if it is, they're over exaggerating when they have one. Aye, aye, aye. But see if you do, you must have sneezed

like a lot a couple of times in a row yeah when you get like three most of the time it's like three but sometimes

you'll fucking go for it and have like six and a blister so surely at that point you'd be like the last one you'd be

exactly so because they come straight after it's not like you have a sneeze and then half an hour later you have the

second one they come straight after one another damn right you don't need scientific proof to prove that that's not like you have a sneeze and then half an hour later you have the second one they come straight after one another i'm right like you don't need scientific proof to prove that that's not not a fact don't you like that that's um you just need basic common sense to go no no it's not no that's that's absolute bullshit so anybody whoever says that's a fifth of an orgasm and tries to pass on that pseudoscience there's a little nugget of information that they know aye aye. Aye. And why a fifth? Does that mean

the first, like, the first fifth of your wank is the equivalent to a sneeze? I just got out of the bathroom for a sneeze. Just get yourself to the very start of the video. Glad I cleared me sinuses. Oh, hay fever season again At least that's why you get your bird flowers on Valentine's Day

Hope she's got hay fever Come on, the orgasm of her life Nice quick one So we can get on with that joke I would put that straight that's straight in isn't it I'm going to put in

peddling pseudoscience as knowledge aye without any fucking research in fact when it's quite obvious so anything along

the lines of aye is straight in and yours was the disbelief at your own success yeah aye

as a platform to show people your success aye so they're both straight in so have yourself in the middle of the corner if you're guilty of both of those disbelief at your own success yeah yeah it's a platform to show people your success all right um so they're they're both straight so have yourself in the middle of the corner if you're guilty of both of those um and we're gonna plug some shit before we do that jokes cool we've both got classical comedy festivals coming up i think they're on the same night actually on the 9th and the 9th yeah yes uh so i'm on at 7 15 at yes bar uh And I'm on at 8.30 At the stand

The stand And you can dash between the two Yep I'll come in a couple of minutes early Just to make sure They've got time to get a pint at the bar I'm going to come to yours Aye aye aye

And that's on the 9th of March Yep I'm doing one on the 8th as well You're doing So you're doing the 8th and 9th 8th and 9th yeah And I'm doing the Both at the same time

Both at the stand No the 8th one starts at half 7 So a bit earlier There we go because it's a Thursday you had to move it on to 8.30 because on the Friday

because of Clash of Mine yes the demand was too high the fan bases are too similar they just ship them across I noticed as well you've got

your poster's built up by the way it's the remix of the poster but you've also called it the remix because it's the remix of the show because you need to add the extra like half an hour on it because are you doing extended yeah

because they want the director's cut they always want a break so that they can sell and it's like a show so it's i've tried it before where like get a support act in and then i've tried it before where you just kind of stop during the middle of the show and it there's no natural stop bit to it so it just feels weird so that's

I'm actually kind of rewriting it so that there is a natural kind of stop bit yeah and adding updating it really

I'm going to come to it definitely man I'm going to come to it I'll dash over I'll start a convoy with me audience of seven you're doing Yes Bar which is a fucking belt in our room yeah definitely man I'm going to go I'll dash over I'll start a convoy with me audience seven you're doing Yes Bar which is a fucking

belt in our room yeah it's a lovely view I've performed there before I can't remember I used to have like a regular

comedy night or something it feels like a proper it feels like a New York comedy room you know

a basement aye aye it's really nice so yes I guess we'll just plug those and also I'm going to plug the comics box in Fight for a Gen oh yes yes I guess we'll just plug those and also I'm going to

plug the comics boxing fight for the end available for download I'm going to share that

this afternoon Mark Nelson fought against Gavin Webster I fought against Gavin Humphreys just battering Gavin

it was a brilliant evening one of the best nights of my life still the best night of my life. Yeah.

I say that, but I'm not married and I don't have kids. It's actually... Oh, no, you're saying it. Not even. It goes, James McFadden's goal against France. The boxing. And then... Amazing.

So that's available for download for just a fiver and it's a fucking amazing two hours of entertainment and it's a hilarious beginning to end

because of the Rod Gilbert hosted it yeah to like legendary yeah but the the commentary team

the commentary box was John Robertson who was just relentlessly beginning to end calling the fight it was like a roast yeah it was like a roast.

Yeah. It was like a roast all the way through. It was phenomenal. In every fight, he was joined by a different comedian who either had their fight or had a fight coming up and joined them in the commentary box. So the comedy value

and the antics in the ring. Oh, it's brilliant. And also a big shout to Barry Castagnola for putting all the filming together and the editing. He's made it look like a Hollywood blockbuster yeah the trailer is

proper spine tingling like it's like it's unreal it's absolutely amazing and it's so if you don't know the story with Cain we raised money

with the boxing and various other fundraisers in the area to get him treatment in America for his neuroblastoma which wasn't the treatment wasn't available

on the NHS so he went to America and he's had the treatment wasn't available on the NHS. So he went to America and he's had the treatment. And by all accounts, he's made a full recovery. He's back to school and he's a healthy young boy. He was told that he had 0% chance. And when he went over there, he had the money for the treatment, but he didn't have the money for his aftercare.

He's been back and forth to America seven times to get checkupsups and treatment which is all incurring debt. So he's got a bit of debt to clear. So every £5 for a download is going towards the debt that he's got to clear for his medical bills. So it's very, very worthwhile. It's worthwhile. You're going to be entertained with as much entertainment as you will ever get for £5 unless you buy him a How To Be Happy MP3.

And I noticed Simon Cowell's still involved in the... I read a story about him in the paper the other day that he took them along to and I noticed I noticed Simon Cowell still involved in the yeah I read a story about him in the paper the other day

that he took them along to I can't remember was it one of the shows like he took Cian and the family along his son's birthday

oh it was his son's birthday yeah that was his son's friend what happened is when we were making all this noise with the boxing and we had the

100 heroes on the go Simon Cowell because people from the comedy industry and people from Blythe and the North East were tweeting celebrities and they're getting retweets off like Irvin Welsh and shit. Yeah, yeah. They weren't just reaching out to anybody. And when Simon Cowell got reached to it, he got in touch with the family direct

and paid for all of his flights and accommodation and then topped up the rest of the fund. Stunning. Stunning. Stunning. Really good, eh? So to find the fight, go on Facebook and search for the group which is Fight4Kian, K-I-A-N, Fight4Kian.

It'll say Comics Boxing, Fight4Kian, and all the links are there. If you want a hard copy DVD, that's available. If you want to download it, that's there. And that's the plugs over. Now we're going to stick it to each other's dads. Your dad, Mark,

your dad got fired from work ages ago, but he hasn't told your mum yet. Every morning he grabs his lunch and he's out the door by 8am and he just goes fishing and he's convinced your mum that he started getting paid in fish. Your dad, Kai, stays up till half five in the morning every night to watch

the curling. He fucking does, but he stays up till five in the morning playing fucking PlayStation. He's not far off. Your dad pulls his sleeve over his hand to stroke dogs your dad is delighted

that McDonald's have brought out the mini-mac in the mini-mac because he could never handle a normal one your dad was on jury service and he kept saying guilty in a really camp gay man's voice when the judge asked for the verdict. Your dad pretends he was in the TA

when he chats up widowers at their husband's funerals. Oh no! The TA! pretends he was in the TA when he chats up widowers at their husband's funerals. No. The TA. The TA. Oh my god. Your dad lies in an empty bathtub to take a shower. Anytime your dad plays FIFA

he still does the EA Sports It's in the game Your dad accidentally killed a horse in a car accident and now he does all the horse's old duties to make up for it, like carrying policemen around on match day. I can't remember if I did this one. Your dad still queues up for the next sale.

I don't think he did. But he still does. Even if he didn't. He still does. He still does it. Your dad waits outside the high school in his MX5 to pick up his 16 year old girlfriend.

He revs the engine. Whenever your dad does a barbecue he wears a chef's hat and one of those aprons with massive tits. Your dad watches porn with a notepad and pen and he sends editorial feedback to the producer. Your dad regularly stays

in Witherspoon's hotels. Oh my god, I don't blame him. But I'm this piece of shit. Oh my god, I didn't blame him. Better than this piece of shit. Your dad stands in shit on purpose and says make a wish. Your dad uses a shoehorn.

He made it a woodwork nightclad. Your dad cuts his own hair with a knife. This is so stupid. Your dad preferred the American badass version of The Undertaker. Your dad... This is disgusting. Your dad flayed the flesh off his index finger and filed the bone down to a point so he can get right in there this is disgusting your dad flayed the flesh off his index finger

and filed the bone down to a point so he can get right in there when he's picking his nose that's all I've got to say about your dad that's me as well that's how we're doing

Mark thanks for coming on the podcast thanks man that was a vintage one. Great fun. I think I'm off to the Alps on Sunday. Aye. Have fun.

It's going to be good. Oh, no, it's the Sunday after. How's the Sunday after? Because it made me think, like, when you said you were at the comedy store this weekend in Manchester. Aye. There's an extra plug.

You can see Mark in Manchester. Aye. I'm on the weekend after. Oh, nice. In Manchester. Oh, you've got a weekend at the store and then off to the lovely

I don't know if I've mentioned this I probably did a million times I've done the best weekend comedy last week oh yeah I've done a punch drunk run which is arguably

arguably the best midweek run right and then the London comedy store which is the best weekend run and then I fucking flew to LA on this Sunday I think it's downhill from here

Aye It's downhill but yes I'll end with that little I couldn't believe it happened to us I know I couldn't believe it

I was like this is unreal What me? Little me? Little me? Fucking hell Right Cheers Mark

Bye Thank you