Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.27 Thumbing in a Softy

Episode Date: February 28, 2018

Cream is still lonely and Muggins is back alongside Elliot Steel. This podcast descended into graphic and explicit depths it should never have reached, we would have censored it but it would only be 4 minutes long. Probably a nice episode for regular listeners but I wouldn't start with this one. 

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack

Oh, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? I now pronounce thee muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? I now pronounce the muggins and milk. With confidence?

That's it, innit? Please tell me that's on. It is on, is that what you did? I now pronounce you muggins and milk. Yeah. That's what, like, the idiom. You said you were like, oh, can I, I really, this is my name is Shane. Can I do the idiom? I wrote that on the Kai I really this is my time to shine can I do the idiom

I wrote that on the way here it's an original one I kind of see Daniel's point now but not like the idiom this has been a massive ruse to set you up now the boot's

on the other foot I don't like it when I'm on the receiving end introduce the podcast this is Sloss and Humphries on the road I am Daniel Sloss I am and Humphries on the road. I am Daniel Sloss.

I am Kai Humphries. I am the mug and Daniel's cream. So this is the podcast with Kai and Daniel Sloss but Daniel is not here and in his seat and in his shoes which are mate shoes

to fill but you're overflowing them is Elliot Steele. Hello. Who goes by the name of Milk. Self-inflicted name of Milk. This is a slow start to the podcast.

It is. I wanted to be bad boy, my type of hour. Right. I just want to say, I got caught in rush hour in London today. It doesn't often happen because we've got no need really.

We're not on the same clock as everybody else. Our nine to five is Friday and Saturday night. Yeah. So when we're traveling to work and back. Or Thursday if you're doing well. Yeah, around drunks, right or Thursday if you're doing well you're around drunks right Thursday Thursday if you need the money

right so you rarely get caught up in that fucking 4.30 5 o'clock terrific isn't it right

it is the most hazardous shit ever on the tube in London right like I've I think I've whinged about this before about being in nose to tail traffic in rush hour when you're not meant to be in the one solace is that

fuck at least i don't have to do this every day i'm sorry if you're in the car now listen to this podcast but i am smoke as fuck oh you're pushed up against the tube not able to move oh but i got in that tube right and so i didn't get on the first one barely got on the second one right so you know the state of that means the platform is fucking rammed right if you're not getting on because quite a lot of people get off and then a lot of people get on which means the fucking but this is the this is the thing is how fucking dangerous it is when you are on that yellow line and that fucking tube's coming at you right i know you're just saying you give us that look like fucking welcome to london fucking dumb northerner yeah man it's just it's just it's just a trust exercise

that you ain't got a psychonet behind you that's all it is because I'm just thinking like if I was suicidal right I'd probably be a pusher before I jumped right

you'd probably just somebody that fucking stands on your toes and pushes in front of you this is London people would see you push a person and the first thing they think isn't that poor person they'll think oh for fuck's sake that's me not getting home for another few hours later i'm gonna have to get a bus that's what would happen so this the deal with it is right is that i'm like three people back and

i'm like fuck if somebody just decided to push kick me in the back right i'm gonna like i'm gonna get low get as low as possible but i'm not gonna be able to save the people in front that are pushing me right and they're going to domino into the track but then they get on the tube and then you're left on the next one and it isn't in my nature to fucking stand on that edge and with a trust of like four or five deep people on my back right we're just the ledge where the fucking train's about to come through and just trust these cunts not have a bit of hustle bustle you have to you have to learn it's like when I go to Victoria Station there's certain things

you can learn when you go to a station and off and this is I don't know it'd be interesting if people do this in cities around the world

when using an underground there's certain bits of the platform you know to use so say I'm at Victoria when you can go into the first entrance into where the tube is

so there's almost like three entrances go to the third one and walk down the platform a bit and also because at the end of that tube there'll be it'll be more spacious if you get on at the front of the tube it'll be more spacious we're talking rush hour here there's no option for that because it's flat out like it's like it's like fucking the bar on a fucking night out in a nightclub right it's like fucking lines and lines of people and then you have to stay at the front and you're trusting the people behind it

so i will fucking distribute my body weight so that like if anybody pushed i've got like a bit of resistance yeah i'll shift my body weight so if there's i think a lot of people do that so i'm like that right but i'm looking around and people are there just relaxed as fuck on that phone you could knock them off that edge with a fucking feather and they are so just like that's lond. My life's in their hands. It's going to be fine. Yeah, but that's not. It's not.

It's like today, I was doing a driving lesson, right? So I'm doing my driving lessons. I'm getting all right with it now. Like, I'm going dual carriageways and that. And I was driving along and I thought, I got in a,

not an argument, but the guy in my car, the driving instructor, not just some dude, he said he's an instructor are you doubling as an uber it's the laziest kidnapping ever he's got me to drive myself to the place and um he he like was like to me you need to do the windscreen wipers so but he meant push the water so i flicked him down and he went towards you meaning pulled the lever towards me so i pulled the lever down and he went no towards you you're thinking how it's towards my legs yeah yeah exactly so i just flicked it up and he went no towards you and i pulled the thing and like he sort of yelled at me and a bit of me

thought like bro my life is in your like if i want to i can just ram into some some pole and you're out the picture you know what i'm saying like don't don't get arsy with me i'm in charge right now you know i mean look at me i'm the captain and and then saying that on the way back we did see a crash actually it was quite horrible but i was i was like driving along and it was all fine but i do think like i was i was thinking it amazes me there aren't way more traffic accidents oh there are no no no but more like as in like because i speak i think i'm when i drive i'm very very cautious very very cautious because i'm new to it but i'm also got one of those mindsets whereas i speak to some of my mates who are my age and they drive

and i think you should not be on the fucking road like there is no way this person should be on the road yeah i was i was a little bit fucking racery when i first started and it took one accident before i was just driving miss daisy really hang on it's not fucking tasty having an accident yeah but uh but yeah this i always think like you know when we look back when we look back on how we act now you know when you look back at how you acted

a hundred years ago not us but people and you go you hit children in school and that was okay less than a hundred years ago right

fucking two hundred years ago there would be like slavery and shit women couldn't vote and you look back with astonishment at what people used to be like

now in a hundred years time I had a good old day the shit the shit that we're doing now right that we're oh absolutely that people will look back at and i think one of them is self-driving cars like manually driven cars yeah right as soon as that's uh as soon as that's mastered where the fucking all the cars communicate with each other all the roads fucking on board with the communications process and everything is mapped out, everybody's journey's mapped out

and you just sit there safe in your little bubble, right? And they'll go, Daddy, did you used to drive your own car? And you're like, yes. And you're like, did there not used to be crashes? And you're like, all the fucking time.

People died every day to the point it's not even a news story. Yeah. But I think, I think whenever, like, when you think, oh, what I like that, when you think, Oh,

what will people look back at and think that thing with cars is when you think you'll have the Mark Nelson of that generation going, it was better when we used to drive our cars. You used to be able to build your music and do the manual. And you're just getting a crush. And you're going to crash and it made a man out of you. You lose a child, you make another one. Back in the good old days. Right. And you're going to crush and it made a man out of you. You're a loser, child. You're making another one of me.

I'm back in the good old days, eh? And you'll get those people, won't you? However, I am glad that I'm on this side of history for eating meat. I really enjoy a chicken dinner. I really enjoy a steak. That's what I was thinking. And I know I'm wrong. I know I'm going to be looking back as a monster.

And even your heroes, right? Your heroes that people look back on and they'll go, yeah, but you know I'm wrong. I know I'm going to be looking back as a monster. And even your heroes, right? Your heroes that people look back on and they'll go, yeah, but you know you ate meat. Now they'll go, Charlie Chaplin, you know he slept with a 14-year-old. You're like, it's a different time back then. It's a different time. He put an animal in his mouth and he chewed it and he went yum-yum and he fed some of his kid.

I can only're saying I watched there was Piano Valley the other night did an amazing he's really good check him out he's a great comedian but he did a thing

where he was just sort of explaining it like you know chickens like growing chickens is environmentally the same as growing potato like it's the same and he was like

explaining it all to me and I was just like oh but then I also thought i'm dumb as fuck so anyone could come at me with some mad stats what was his uh what was his logic because he's quite an intelligent man and i don't doubt he was sort of explaining i don't doubt that he'd be coming from somewhere but you're gonna butcher it imagine you say to a bunch of farmers right i don't want to do his bit but imagine you were saying so this is a bit this isn't conversation right so don't don't butcher these people give me the press but the premise

of the bit is like imagine you said to farmers hey instead of growing lettuce why don't we give you this magic animal that's going to create another animal that's easier to grow and it's like yeah yeah so economically yeah you go go check him out i want to i don't want to do his bit i want to give him as much of a shout out as possible. But like, it was just one of those bits I watched and I went like, oh, I bet there's like, on the side of the meat eaters where there's a load of,

like, you know, on the side of meat where there's a lot of lies spread about, you know, like I wouldn't really want to know where the meat I eat comes from. I wouldn't want to ethically go to that slaughterhouse, you know,

because it would ruin the magic. Hey, did you hear about this with the uh chicken nuggets the chick uh jb oliver right when it goes into schools and shit right and he shows the kids how chicken nuggets are made about like fucking how in the carcasses here and how the meat's all gray and mashing it together on this fucking paste and then coloring it bleaching it or whatever i don't think they use bleach but they get egg dyed it so that it looked white and it looked like chicken right and then they offered it to a british kid in british school the british kid was like nah nah i'm not putting that in my mouth after saying that you went to america with the same policy right in the school show them what was happening

offered the kids a chicken they're like sweet just fucking ate the chicken america man i didn't like i didn't want to see where my meat's come from. However, I do think that's probably a more ethical way to eat meat. It would be. Even fucking kill the animal, strip the animal yourself, and do all that shit.

I reckon I could, I don't know, all right, let's go down this rabbit hole. I reckon I could, if you taught me how to, I reckon I'd murk a chicken if I was going to cook it. If I taught you how to murk a chicken.

I've got a way to murk a chicken, but it ain't going to be the way to get the most meat out of it. Oh, you mean that? You mean to kill a chicken? Like, you might kill a chicken. Where you see them, like, wringing it out like a fucking tea towel

where they grab the legs and the head and... Yeah, I'll just give it one spin kick. You just fucking boot it. It's not even deed, so you stump on it. And then you pluck it. And all the flesh is bruised. one spin kick you just fucking boot it it's not even deed so you stump on it and then you pluck it out of the flesh

out of the flesh just bruised by the time you're eating it just take a bazooka to it you're making dinner for your family you're like I caught it myself

cool an airstrike on a chicken freshly caught however when I say like catch your own food I don't think chicken is the one that you that you would go for

no I reckon I reckon chicken do you get whale chicken anymore I reckon I reckon the thing with chickens is isn't it

is like they're just they're just they're just kind of a fucking if it weren't for us they'd be extinct because what you're doing

having wings and not using them to fly but mind you we've got an appendix I didn't use that for flight yeah but like well try an appendix i haven't used that for flight yeah but like well

try harder that's quite a lot of fucking shit man you don't even need it right you had it can just rumble and burst and fucking get you've got this like ticking time bomb in your fucking do you know what that is that's the you see how you were talking about the put that's the organ version of the person on the platform who might kick you in you've all got one of them appendix is just gonna one day the clock's gonna start ticking but do you ever get one of those pains like in your body especially like i've had it like where i've gone out after a night of drinking or something and you get a pain in your body and then the next day you're sat there and you think it's probably just because I went drinking

and then a bit of you goes fuck what if it is my appendix do you ever think that well when you've got like a pain I had this thing where I felt like

I was getting a fucking flutter in my heart where I was just like getting a fucking like a murmur or something but apparently it was just coke I went to a well known

Doctor Comedian And he just told us The layoffs of Sesh He told you the bit He said he fucking Went mad for it And then had a sauna And went on the fucking treadmill

Oh man Take one or the other That's the worst to do When you try sauna Out of Sesh It just makes you Even more ill It gives us a bit of

A flutter on the heart A few years back now I've took it easy since No You're in training try sauna out of sesh. It just makes you even more ill. It gives us a bit of a flutter on the heart. A few years back now. I've took it easy since. You're in training at the moment. I've been fucking great, Nick, in a minute. Put your name down for a fight, haven't you? I'm fighting on Sunday,

the week on Sunday. Yeah. Does that mean you're fighting? You put your name and your number doing it on the board? Basically, to people, the way it works is... Is everybody on that list getting a fight? It depends.

You might not find out literally until the day of your fight it's really weird it's like the open mic world of fighting yeah right you just get called up

like you just get called up there's a lot of names on the list yeah yeah well they put something like 25 names down it doesn't mean 25 is going to get matched

it's all it's all mad yeah that wasn't the game plan when I started training Muay Thai it wasn't the game plan to fucking get in the ring

and fucking start throwing knees and elbows and run, throw me bones at some cunt. But I'm going to... You know what? Just do it. It's a fun experience. It feels a bit futile because I'm 34 now. It makes sense that you get in and have a fight. You're 21.

There's people who do it who are in their 40s. I know. I watched some fucking great fights I just watched George St-Pierre who's a few years older than me fucking win the title but he's been

playing he's been fighting since he was younger than you so it does make sense when this fight has my age in the game but anybody's

starting now I'm starting to get to that point I had it last year when Marcus Rashford burst onto the scene and i went oh my god he's younger than me i had like my first ever like oh fuck football is younger than me i've been pundits now like but you know when you first get like i know people go don't worry

you're it's weird when people say don't worry you're 21 that's still like i get still young but you've also got to remember this is the oldest i've ever been so when oh bella i want a bella no no no no no no it makes sense t-shirts are being printed hear me out hear me out hear me out yeah it's no emileno but emileno but this is what i mean by that is like you experience something that makes you realize you're not immortal and you you get them more as you get older in it like you know you get them heart flutters you start thinking oh fuck i'm just there i probably just ran too hard but then when you get a footballer who you could actually go go on my son too you do go oh shit i'm old. Here's one. You know, I Google it, but they pop up on my timeline sometimes.

They'll be timeline from the suggested videos on Pornhub. MILFs. MILFs are younger than this. MILFs. Yeah, the MILF ages. Marmite, Lake the Fuck. Yeah, they have. I always consider that's one of me pals' mums.

There's a MILF. I'm looking at them going, could be one of my pals as mums there's a milf i'm looking at them going it could be one of my pals daughters you know you know what is with porn they have like this weird thing where it's like they want like 18 to 22 and then between like 22 to 25 they don't want anything to do with you but then when you're like 26 to 30 you're then the milf it's weird like the the shelf life of a porn star that must be like a burn

for a porn star that's like 26 year old no kids and all that right and they get fucking cast as like gangbang milf like

oh wait man I reckon still in uni that's why I'm doing porn because that's I need to pay for it this thing with MILFs this is where it is with MILFs right

you've got to want to fuck somebody's mum for it to be a MILF right now it doesn't mean like that three year old kid's mum you haven't got to have a three year old it's got to be somebody where you can mock them that you want to fuck them

you wouldn't be going to a like three year old I want to fuck your mum you'd be going to a fifteen year old that you're in school with at the age of fifteen I want to fuck them. You wouldn't be going to a three-year-old, I want to fuck your mum. You'd be going to a 15-year-old that you're in school with at the age of 15, I want to fuck your mum. And there's this fucking 32-year-old, right? So she had the kid at 17.

The only kid's a nursery guy, I want to fuck your mum. But that mum's still quite young when she had the kid. So to be a MILF, you have to be engaging in a conversation with somebody of your age that they want to fuck your mum. I think MILF's just like,

it's just like, it's just like, it's not a saying. They've got a kid now, they're a milf. Yeah, you've got a kid, you're a milf. He could be a fucking milf at the age of 16 in Blythe.

Yeah, yeah. Well, coming from Croydon, you know, there's quite a few people. Did you ever have one of those kids in school who, when they got,

who like, who got pregnant and everyone was just like, no surprise. Ah yeah, son listens to the podcast. Tracy. Ethan,

Ethan, he's in front of a kid. He's in front of a kid. Hi Tracy, Bella, she's one of your best mates at school then. Ethan, come along and fucking spoil everything she got pulled out of school. I just want to be best mate at school then fucking even come along

and fucking spoil everything she got pulled out of school I not hate the podcast but me and her used to go in the nurse's office school nurse and say that I got her up the stick oh right yeah

the nurse is just disbelief because you've seen the clip of me when I was a kid oh yeah I mean I've seen you now no one's calling you a deal oh man so yes so they're they're the things that um that's the one the one thing where

like you said the football has been being younger than you now that's your upset porn stars are young when they're so younger than this Yeah I thought I was younger than Milfs I wonder where That's an American pie isn't it Milf it's like Stifler's mum Yeah It's a Stifler's mum

Like You wouldn't have called her a Milf When he was When he was a toddler You would have been like Oh your mum's a Milf Like now she's a new mother Show some respect

I don't know I don't know I wonder where I would come in the age range. Like, where do I... If I go... Would you be a Milton? Yeah. If I went into porn,

am I like... Because I... Am I like a young... Would I be a young porn star? Would I be a long-haired porn star? Nubile. Barely legal teen. Oh, is that what I'd be?

Do you know where some people hide their search history for their porn? Yeah. Because their girlfriend looks and discovers they're watching porn. I'll bet you write it down after you've watched it on a whiteboard. Why do people do that? I was thinking of you, Tilly. Now I'm Natalie, just like, went into the porn hub and had a look at my previous searches.

Oh, fucking well done. You've just showed your fiancée what you're into. Yeah. I try not, and people don't believe me on this one, I try not to watch too much porn, man. I find it really like, You know what? It's fucking not good for you, like.

You know, when I type in, in the search bar, P-O, Yeah. Podbean comes up. Oh. Podbean comes up before porn helped.

Because I put up minimum one podcast a week maximum two so you've been you've been I've been watching porn less than once a week yeah but porn

it's not it's not good for you is it I sometimes watch like shit that wouldn't happen oh what like people having normal sex and you just sit there

and go wish I could do that well you know like stuff I can't do anymore like fucking double penetration and that. Gang bangs, no jizz.

You know, like... Oh, because you were renowned for them. Fucking right I was. I can't do it. The old blithe gang bangs that Kyle was getting. I can't do it. I've had threesomes

with half a dozen listeners. Ethan, we apologise again I used to love group sex as a belt I laughed and I'd go this is something I've always said is everything's better when I'm here till the end not the good kind of threesome

I've had a lot of the bad one but yeah hi so I'll just look it up because it's not going to happen is it like is it I've had a lot of the bad ones but yeah I'll just look and shut it up because it's not going to happen is it like is it

I don't know you can dream like what I want it to happen what I want to have because I've joked about this on stage but what I want to have a threesome with Natalie and one of my pals

I reckon it would be a bit I think it would probably bother her more than me I reckon it would bother you she'd be think it would probably bother her more than me. I reckon it would bother you. She'd be like, why are you touching him more than me? It would bother you when someone makes a meme about it in the group.

I'd hate to keep it hush, like... Because you know, the minute you found out if you did it from someone in our group, you'd instantly get about six messages from a few of the other lads going like hey what's wrong with me mate you know what as well

I wonder how much I would drop my arse if Natalie had just put me money where my mouth is you know how I'd just talk freely I wonder how much

I'd have pushed come to shove but would the rule be that you get to choose a friend or she gets to choose a friend erm I think there'd be

some people that'd just fucking veto like really aye here she comes quick I just want it to be simple again afterwards

fucking Sloss couldn't do it whatever fucking try putting how many what did he try putting tax where nails have been that's it fuck I don't know just couldn't do it I've had a threesome before putting tax where nails have been that's it fuck

I don't know just couldn't do it I've had a threesome before with a lad who had a way bigger cock than me it was just weird really I was just looking at

god how am I made I had a word with him like fucking fucking let's him out out of that stop trying to it's like a cartoon just made it look like

you weren't as excited for the threesome it's like a cartoon dick fucking sort of I said his name I nicknamed his cock like the sort of omens

right I nicknamed it the sort of Aitken because that's his name oh this is another frying people under the bus one isn't it

no I just said that because I know there's more than one. More than one of that's in him. It's all it's done. I'd, um, when I was, I think I was 17 or 18, me and my mate, I can't say his name,

but, uh, went round to this girl's house and had the worst threesome ever. The worst. Yeah. What, you, you, your pal and me and my pal and this girl so how did you mess it up so bad

okay basically because I'm always fun and she's always in like the major control basically in as well

usually if there's a girl in a male male female threesome it was her idea she is having a fucking great time like picture yourself with two girls right this is how the girls

are picturing themselves it's like oh I'm getting two dudes here this is great oh like that she was having it she she was she it was her idea she was having i mean it was in the back of our minds all the time but she brought it to the we were also a bit too i don't know young to initiate that kind of thing like i wouldn't know how to initiate that at that age you know i mean so she just sort of came in and was like yeah cool do you want to do this and it was just the worst thing ever we were just both there just sort of like i could see him naked just seeing your mate jacking off in the corner while you're

getting a blowjob and you're going like what was he doing that for because we were on mandy so we couldn't get our dicks oh man so so he's he's like, hey, jerking off in the corner, and I'm just sort of sitting there getting like a really flaccid blowjob, and you're just sort of looking at him going, yeah, good kid, isn't it? That happened with Matty, but it was with Meow Meow. What, did he see a cat? He had a cat.

Right, yeah. Let me talk about this, right? You've just done it again, right? It wasn't, that one, not so much, but we've discussed this, right? So let's discuss it on the podcast. Sometimes it's a joke, that's there. That's so dog shit, you step over it.

This is, right, I'm going to give you an example. You, this is why we've discussed it before. Right, yeah. You said, in a WhatsApp conversation, I did a mock practical today. I got three minors. That's the last time I'm allowed to drive past a school. Great joke.

No, it's like everybody in the history of knowing that you get minors in a driving test has had that joke flitting to their head and they've stopped it before they've said it because they know that everybody's thought of it right that makes me break

it's like stepping over dog shit you know that joke dog shit you step over it but it's like you jumping in dog shit and going

oh look look I can look where's me laughy smileys you're just stepping shit this is the thing this is the I'm going to put Tom Horton under the bus

because this was an example I used he put on a Facebook status about I can't remember how he worded the joke it was like something about

a fucking like Greengrocer's van do you have a van for selling vegetables no avocado I've seen him do it in his set as well

oh he put it in his set oh I'm just going to pause the podcast while I fucking go in the shower and watch me so clean it's there

everybody knows that the word avocado sounds like I-va-car-do right everybody has like

it's there it's fucking there but you just walk around it because you know everyone's thinking of it right Euston station right

Euston we have a problem don't say Euston we have a problem don't say Euston we have a problem because it's slipped into everybody's mind they've dismissed it it's them jokes I just like stepping dog shit yeah but I feel

like there's another thing here we're missing tell us more about the time Matt couldn't get hard on because he came out in a threesome this is a very valid this is a very valid point I've discussed this on the podcast as well we've had him on

we've had him on the podcast this is something he did right I don't have should we talk about this go ahead mate I mean I won't it's going to get uncomfortable because it's a little bit

like alright that means yes this isn't a booty he's hard on this is about right so this is the position we were in

having sex right I was having sex with the lovely lady in Matty so I'm on my knees right

oh is this the leverage she's lying on her back no we've discussed the leverage one. That was in the podcast with Matty on, so people can find that and hear that story, right? That was strike one when he used my shoulder for leverage. Three strikes, you're out the threesome. I didn't write any rules,

but somehow when he grabbed me shoulder, I pulled in a fucking scroll with commandments on. For the people at home, you won't be able to see this now. We're on Kai's sofa. Kai's on his knees like he's in the friend showing me the position he was in. Hi! You're on your back.

Why don't we just be Matty for this? She's on any of there, right? I'm in between her legs. Natalie, I know you're listening. I'm sorry. Matty is getting his soft mcat dick semi-blown but he's like he's like not he's on the side right he's stayed on someone from the bank this is from his bank he's gonna listen to one of these podcasts and go to matty hey mate we need to have a meeting at one of these bosses

so he's like getting a side on blowjob so she's like fucking looking to the left trying to like what the fuck's this Matty how do I get this in my face you know she's just

looking up and I'm going come on mate Kai's putting in a good shift and this is what you bring to the table this little fucking like tapping on any foot and that like

flicking it and that, just how I made. You know, I'm doing fucking... I'm doing the lion's share, right? And then Matty's hand comes down and starts, like, giving a little rub. Rubbing it. And I'm pumping away, right? I'm pumping away right then I'm pumping like I can feel like his hands like his fingertips

are like hitting off me mound and I'm like I'm like Matty Matty put your soft cock away and fucking look at this if I slip out of here, you're giving us a handjob.

Like, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Bad form, man. Bad form. Yeah, he's not got good free semitica, has he? He hasn't.

And you know what he kicked off at, right? He kicked off because I went to fucking change the playlist. That's not what he kicked off at. I went to fucking change the playlist. I mean, that's not what he kicked off at. I went to change the playlist. Oh, yeah.

Right? And I sat in there, I sat in the chair, put, like, some different tunes on, because it was starting to fucking repeat the same fucking songs again. You've been there a while. Six hour shift, mate. Party trying to get hard. MCAT's such a weird drug like it's no one

no one goes oh got a gram of MCAT on the way yeah it's such a fucking dumb drug and it hurts the inside of your face as well

it's like a fucking swarm of hornets flying up your nose there's no need for that drug but anyway I was racking up and changing the playlist this is such an explicit podcast

oh my god and I just chilled for a bit because I was like you know Marty's had a tough day at the office right

he hasn't showed up to work he's there but his cock isn't I thought like I'll just let him have a little bit of intimacy

like maybe maybe it's me being in the equation that's putting him off so I just chilled for a bit you know put my feet up just watched

and he was just like afterwards he was like it's fucking weird when you just fucking sat in the chair and watched this what's wrong with you I was like

you fucking flick a bead while I was having sex you fucking grabbed my shoulder from leverage you fucking look at me I'm a fucking weird while I was having sex while you fucking grabbed my shoulder from leverage you fucking look at me I'm a fucking weirdo

I'm perved on you I was swimming do you think it was you I was looking at you I was laughing at oh Matty Matty come and sort it out mate

so now I don't know if I could tell the time Sloss did one of the biggest bro things ever for me let's do let's do

let's do a couple bro things after we've done a slagging off story. I was once... Mine's always been bro. You know what I mean? He's more than bro after what you did with his... Weenie cousins. Custard cousins. I was in bed with a girl.

Sloss was in the bed as well. And Sloss gentlemanly got out of the bed because it was like a sleepover situation where it was like a sleepover situation there was no there was no

you know and Sloss got out of the bed and went to another room right his bed as well his bed and I saw Sloss kissing this girl

and she went to me oh do you think Danny would mind and I went I think he's done everything but barst and moving in prison like he's just given but barstool moving in prison but i'm gonna repackage that story and pitch it as like uh yous were both crying for the same girl

but then you know what he's like i'd have just been i'd have just been back that's that's the one thing danny will that's why i knew with that story if i did that there danny would i'd get like a little message just like a you're dead to me kind of thing so i'll say just now danny absolute bro move he he is a absolutely blackballed you for your bad behavior in the past and yeah remember you've done something recently you kept bringing up muay thai when he was fucking totally look i'm sick of hearing it you're doing it on purpose just smash muay thai today yeah you're bringing all that shit right so he was fucking told, look, I'm sick of hearing it, you're doing it on purpose. Smash Muay Thai today. Yeah, you're bringing all that shit, right? So he was telling me to stop, but when I was doing it, we were in the same seats.

You saw that as fucking, oh, there's something that gets to him, I'm going to dig at him. And he warned you a million times, and then he blocked you on literally everything. He blocked my email. PlayStation Live, your email, he froze you out. I'm not going to lie, the PlayStation one kind of hurt. I can deal with Facebook of hurt like i can deal with facebook and twitter and it's you know i can do all that but but man to to to lose a friend on ps4 it's horrific and sad so upsetting not being able to play and then like you'll see him put in

the ps4 group like oh he's online and you're like oh i am and then he just blanks it yeah because the thing is as well as your subnames end up in a game with online and you're like oh I am and then he just blanks it because the thing is as well is your sub names end up in a game with them because you're friends with somebody else on lane so they lad you in

but you're there with Danny and Danny's there with you but like you're on fucking on lane together we never went in a game I'll have you know because I was going to say

that would be like you know when you like if you rock up to a party and like your ex is there with a new fella. Oh, no. Yeah.

It's upsetting. I like my listener. I think... Oh, we're running over. No, we're doing grand, but we should maybe put some muggles in the corner.

This is... I am... I'm going to use... Because it's very topical and I'm going to use Barry Dodd's texters. So I haven't wrote any Muggle corners down

because Barry texts me with very complimentary about the podcast with Mark and then also gives me a couple of Muggles. Oh, didn't say anything about me, Barry?

No, nice bit of radio silence from Barry actually. There was a good six weeks where I didn't get a text off him. No, I'm joking. So Barry Dodds

said, Muggles, people who post pictures of not much snow in their area didn't get a text off him no I'm joking so Barry Duns said muggles are people who post pictures of not much snow in their area and they're gone oh fuck off

so like no snow like instead of like I've got I've got I had that yeah let's double down on it then right so this isn't the

that didn't change yeah the obvious muggle one which is probably being covered last time it snowed in the time before is when people tell you that it's snowing on Facebook.

Yeah. People, like, all they can talk about is the snow, right? It's all posts, right? They're just first degree muggle. The second degree muggle is the people who Barry mentioned who are posting a picture of the green grass or the blue sky and they're like, it's not snowing here. and pitch out that green grass or the blue sky in the lake. It's not snowing here. Yeah, I saw people doing that when they were in Australia because, you know, there's like the Perth Comedy Festival

or Adelaide Comedy Festival going on now. I saw loads of people going like, just trying to get on board with your weather pick, guys, and it's them at a sunny beach. I was like, hope you get eaten by a shark. No sharks here while they're in hospital. Yeah, it's just, it is muggly. It's just... I told you, didn't I? I told you when I was little yeah it's just it is muggly it's just I'll tell you

didn't I I told you when I was walking back I'd just been about to eat with a fucking awesome Carl Donnelly just fucking

chilling around for a bit I was walking back from the restaurant the cafe eatery and I walked past this group of youths these young

young gents about 15 years old physically asked us if I wanted a snowball fight and i had me both qc 35 headphones on so i moved my headphone to one side i was like oh sorry it's like you're a snowball fight i was like oh sorry i'll wreck my headphones fucking crack on and then they carried on walking and they didn't there's about 10 of them right and they didn't give me an

unsolicited snowball fight they were gentlemanly about their conduct so I fucking put my hood up pulled the toggles tight so I covered my headphones and fucking started launching snowballs at them with game on I had a proper full blown snowball fight in the park you're scared if people on a tube are pushing you in but you'll start a snowball fight with a group of 15 with a bunch of

15 year olds in London and think you're going to live in this city much longer fucking playing with fire or snow even so what do you think you know see if that turned feral see if i misjudged them right because i thought that was very like a polite and gentlemanly of them to verbally ask and then respect me say no and keep on walking right so i knew they were good kids yeah i took a beat on them that they were good kids right so when i threw that snowball that made their day they got to have a snowball fight

and then it ended up where I was getting a bit overwhelmed by them and I pretended to wave a white flag I was like I'm done I'm done I beat it

and they stopped and it was a bit of fun but you know should they have turned on us imagine they started pushing and shoving 15 year old kids about 10 of them

you'd start a chance you know Barry Main that were equipped with Mai Tai pushing and shoving right 15 year old kids about 10 of them you're trying to get started chance you know bear in mind that we're we're equipped with my tie you probably weigh an extra 20 kilos than the heaviest one i think i think the minute i think the minute you face anything upwards of three people who are around 15 years old you're in fucking trouble i reckon you can keep them back a bit with like you know if you if you threw a head kick, well, you've got to throw a kick in the snow and that's very difficult, a pivot.

You've got to pivot in the snow. So you're kind of out of kicks. But you get a good fucking couple of head shots and hooks and shit. Like, eh. How many eight-year-olds? It's not going to be a fun day for anyone, right? Because you don't want to be the guy

leveling a bunch of 15-year-olds. But 10 of them, 10 of them. Oh, no, fuck them. olds 10 of them oh no fuck them if they're 15 fuck them but then if they're trying to start a fight

then they're trying to start a fight but how many like 8 year olds do you reckon you would be like bear in mind they're coming

in swarms right so at first it's like 1 how many 8 year olds do you reckon I think it would until you're tired yeah

I think it would all be down to your cardio yeah because you're kind of fucking like one shot they're head until you're tired. Yeah. I think it would roll a bit down to your cardio. Yeah. Because you're kind of fucking, like, one shot in the head. They're head high. You're killing cunts. Yeah, yeah. You're probably killing cunts.

Like, with a 15-year-old, you'd probably, like, land a good punch and you'd neutralise one, right? I reckon if they suffocate you, if they, like, fucking swarm in and get you, like, in a rugby room, you can't throw a punch and you've got the weight of them on top of you the minute you're down and start to take kicks to the face

you're fucked right but if you can like lay a couple of them out and keep them at length push them back push kicks right you can handle a couple

eight year olds you could gan until you would build a fucking mountain of them I reckon I reckon 28 year olds would take me down if all of them

swore me at once I reckon I reckon they'll be bite take me down if all of them swore me at once I reckon they'll be bitey as well kids are bitey but yeah no I don't know boys or girls mixture

mixture I reckon the girls would be more vicious you'd feel you wouldn't want to hit the girl ones weirdly as much as hard as you'd hit the boy ones

I'd say sorry when I did it like I'd be like oh soz like the parents now like she hit me uh you'd be able i reckon you'd be able to pick up an eight-year-old and throw it at another eight-year-old as well i reckon yeah probably fucking i could freestyle man all right it'd be like it would be like one of them choreographed like 90s martial arts movies yeah if you're against theater roles even year olds is different though like you could do it would be like one of them choreographed like 90s martial arts movies. Yeah.

If you were against theatre roles. If you were against different roles. You could hit a kid with a kid. Yeah. You could grab a kid and just like

whack another kid with it. No, that's a good point. They're good weapons really, eight-year-olds. What time school

starts tomorrow? Mate, right, if you could have in school start tomorrow mate right if you could have a groundhog day right and you are like day

7000 a groundhog day would you do it I mean I mean yeah you would wouldn't you like what

you'd walk into the school and start I'd start like okay so say you're on Groundhog Day, right? And you've done the fucking... Like, you'd have the day where you try to kill yourself

and then you wake back up tomorrow because you were on the same day forever. Oh, you've been through the million times. You've been through it, right? Thousands and thousands of times. You're then going to have the day where you're like, all right, I reckon I could hijack a plane. You know what I mean?

You're going to start playing it like Grand Theft Auto. You come so desensitised. Oh, yeah, you'd become a psychopath. Yeah. You'd become a fucking psychopath by the end of it. But fucking, not my luck. I fucking got out of school, did a 7,000, right?

Started fucking hitting kids, one of the kids, right? And then fucking wake up on Thursday in a cell, going, bastard! Bastard! I want to go to that one where I fucking had to free some warm up. In all 7,000 of them days,

he couldn't get his cock hard in any of them days Matty couldn't get his cock hard in any of them probably don't have the 8 year olds no yeah well I reckon I reckon

I reckon I'd make it to day 80 before I started a fight with an 8 year old on Grand Hog Day I'd be a lot longer than that I think before I hit a kid

day 80 before I started hitting children I think yeah that I think before I hit a kid day 80 before I started hitting children I think yeah I think you'd have to I think day 80 is reasonable I think you'd have to

no because in 80 days time I'm not going to be bored enough to hit a kid I think you'd have to live an entire life of that one day an entire like a few life times

of that one day before you go I've been alive for like 300 fucking years I'll say this do you know what would piss me off the most on Grand Hog Day

is that if I was playing like fifa career mode and came back to it the next day i was like fucking hell i've already beat southampton like 30 000 times i seen how to have a career one day keep doing it again yeah that would wind me up more than anything i reckon how did how did we get here from snow being muggly yeah the snowball fight I had with the kids oh right yeah obvious no so yeah it's interesting what's wrong with you why

I know I've got to talk to that mate this is such a fucking highbrow podcast after that fighting the eight year old it is actually

alright please share it on all of your medias we never plug it enough do we I always put it out on Facebook and just like we've got this we've got like

around about 1200 people listen to it I download it each month I don't know how many people listen to it I reckon like at least I reckon at least 200 of them are people we know

have some sort of connection with as well I'm talking like it's my podcast I mean it might as well be because where the fuck's Daniel at? Oh, exactly. Daniel, where you at?

He's in LA. There's no shortage of fucking talent in that city. Oh, well, do you know what it is? Chris Martin's out there. He's got his own podcast. Daniel's just probably pissed people off. Eric's out there. Fucking get a friend, mate.

I have to fucking chat at this bell end. I'm kidding. I like you. I'll edit that out. I'll edit that out. I'll edit that shit that I'm saying. Hitting other kids with kids. It might even free some...

So... Yeah, but... I mean, this may not be the one you want to share with your friends. I always think that. It was already downhill when I did the idiom. This is a funny one do you listen to Dave Longley's podcast

I have a bit I love it so much it's my new favourite thing it's my new favourite corner of the internet is Dave Longley's podcast and Natalie loves it too

she's a bit annoyed that she has to listen to it on an Android and it's direct from his website so you can't like pause or rewind it without it like reloading

but it's on iTunes as arguing for arguing's sake. And I really want to fucking share that with everybody. But I feel like I can't put it out to the wider public on social media because I wanted to give it to my closest friends, which is the podcast listeners, right? You'd love it.

But the thing is, he's so dry and he's so like, he'll say racist remarks, right? That aren't racist. He's saying it because it's steeped in irony and he's laughing dry and he's so like he'll say racist remarks right that aren't racist he's saying it because it's steeped in irony and he's laughing at the racism but if anybody misinterprets that

and just think like oh who's this guy that guy put me onto and they get it wrong I always feel because he does this thing where he he's got his mates on

who's Eddie Hu who's Chinese descent and he pretended he had racism Tourette's. He was racially abusing his pal on the podcast. But it's fucking hilarious. But I just feel like if you share it with a wider public,

what if Natalie's mum's on Facebook? What if she listens to this? Natalie's mum isn't on Facebook. That was a bad example. I would never put this podcast on. But say you meet someone she listens to this not least my mom isn't on facebook that was a bad example i would i would never put this podcast but it's say say you meet someone who listens to that podcast and then you find out you both listen to it you instantly become like already friends because you find out it's like there's a guy in my gym who was asking about stand-up who my favorite stand-ups are and i said dog stanhope and i went to him like i had to give a bit of a pre-warning

yeah to be like listen man like dog stanhope is a went to him like i had to give a bit of a pre-warning i had to be like listen man like dog stanhope is a really good comedian but some of the things he says like you just gotta understand like yeah it's like a line that dog stanhope said that is i was so tired my eyes looked like baby's cunts right horrendous line makes me laugh because it's like when i first heard it it was that horrific it shocked us right I haven't shocked that easily right I was like whoa

it's fucking funny right but then you recommend it to someone that's not quite is like like that's more easily shocked

that's more easily like disturbed I think you have to bear that in mind that's a cook cook, bellend, snowflake I find sometimes you can get that you can get that thing like our group's pretty horrific about each other like and i know everyone will go our

mates i don't know if i brought certain mates onto a table where say we all sat around in and i brought a certain pal there and he's got an insecurity and doesn't know how to laugh at the insecurity right and you lot will clock on that immediately start butchering and someone will butcher him for it because that's your like jump into the gang and like here you go mate here's insecurity right and you lot will clock on that immediately stop butchering and someone will butcher him for it because that's your like jump into the gang and like here you go mate here's what happens you know but that's also a permission slip to say anything you like to me yeah what's nice for close groups of friends that are creative and funny is that if you rip on them for anything that that is you like i said giving a permission slip for them to rip on you and you get to hear

some really funny creative jokes about your own flaws. Yeah. And failings. Yeah, I hear them a lot. You've got millions. I mean, literally every other thing in our group is directed to shut up horse or something like that. Yeah, I hate it when you're around circles

where the gloves are on instead of the gloves are off. You know, where you have to, like, pull your punches because you don't want to hurt anybody. Right, yeah. Like, I love being round people that I can't hurt. Like, I love being round people that aren't sensitive at all. Like, I don't get offended by anything apart from people who are offended

by things, and they offend us. Mattie probably sat listening to this crying when you brought up his flaccid cock. Like, you hurt him I just want to keep bringing it up because I know he'll listen and he'll think oh it's over the bit where they're talking about the time I couldn't get a hard on because of MCAT

and then try to grab guys for a bit of source of inspiration you had a busy thumb that day I tell you like his thumb's got a six-pack oh yeah yeah when people when people get offended by something like there was um there was a time we were sat in this very room and we were sort of in like a little party and uh tom tried to bring a girl into a conversation was was like, oh, what are you and your group of mates?

And she's like, oh, me and my mates can't get offended. And then when asked about it, it just turned out that it was because she turned up late and her mates would take the piss out of her for it. And I thought, oh yeah. And then you're like,

you're like, you can't get offended. I hope you get pregnant by rape and the babies are stillborn. And I go, no. I did not. Hold on. This is slanderous. I hope you get pregnant so I can beat another kid with it.

No, I didn't say any of these slanderous things. I remember what happened in that very conversation was the first time I'd sort of returned to partying in a while. That's what you said. And Kai got out and left. I remember sitting in there and I'm thinking, man, this is why I don't party anymore to partying in a while. That's what you said. And Kai got out and left. I remember sitting in there and I'm thinking, man, this is why I don't party anymore. Sometimes I have a bad time.

And then I got up, left, went into another room and went, no, I think I was just having a bad time. But yeah. You know what bothers us? When some people just can't judge that, because I will respect people's sensibilities. Yeah, you got it. So we've got a friend

who just sometimes decides to start talking about the use of the N-word in context. He's talking about the use of it. And I'm just like, oh my God, just fucking step away from that, right? Dude, don't do it. And it doesn't come from like, it's so like, because in their mind,

they're being right in the situation. But I'm not saying it in any way. I just want to understand why I can't, you know, why is it that they'll bring up all these points and you just go, dude, you don't say it because it's not your place to say. Yeah, just like, look, there's some things that you just go, right, cool. Like, you know what? Like, have that conversation with your nearest and dearest and close quarters, right? And discuss the politics of that word in your own time

right but just don't fucking inflict that on people you've hardly known while you're drunk and you can't string a sentence together

you daft cunt Tom Tom you saw me about I got in there didn't you what were you going to I was going to say

Matty Tom Tom I was going to say Matty. Tom gets such a licking on this podcast. We've seriously caused some trouble today, haven't we? Should we just move on to another mug? Oh, my God. I think this has been the most explicit podcast today. That's what you do, right?

If you've enjoyed it, right? If you've laughed because you're enjoying the freedom of it, right? The freedom of speech in this podcast and you enjoy that. Oh, we're going that route? Share it. Yeah. Share it. Just look out for the friends that were turning and going, oh, that podcast was disgusting.

And if you don't like this podcast because of the things we're saying on it you you are thoroughly against the second amendment i don't know what amendment it was but one of the one of whatever which was which was there's there's fucking loads of them yeah um okay well done um so is that is that what you had as well for muggle corner no i changed it. I went with a different couple, but that was one I had down. I've gone with my two, well, one of them is, muggles make being late part of their personality.

As in, oh, you know what I'm like, I'm late. And you're like, that is a very easily solvable personality flaw you have there. It's very easily solvable. And it's really rude yeah it's rude you're like there's always repercussions for somebody else and not you with with lateness i don't mind like if it's the thing where it's like i said you say you say to me come around for free

and uh we'll do a podcast and i turn up at half three yeah that's different because it's if i've got a train to catch at fucking five then the podcast is not happening but then say you say to me like one time oh shit i've got a train to catch at five all right i'll be there for free but then on other days just sort of turn up yeah around about three but yeah when you make plans you make them loose so you make them like yeah when people just turn up late to things and they're like oh you know you know what i'm like and you're like yeah but it's so easily solvable it just meant you leave in 15 minutes earlier than you did it's a that's what a danny's pet hates you know if we say to meet in the um meet in the lobby a quarter past yeah like if i turn up at 16 minutes past

i turn up with a fucking text of him i allow five minutes of lateness because i always think like people you know if I say like I have that thing sometimes during the weekend with somebody saying meet in the lobby at quarter past I turn up at quarter past

but say they turn up at 20 past I'm not going to kick off about it no yeah he's pretty tight on shit yeah but I will always try

and like turn up not a minute earlier either I'll always try and land like dead on just so that he starts fucking he starts building up

his argument against this, right? And then fucking 10 seconds before the due time, the lift doors up around this thing. You're mad at this, but I haven't done anything wrong. So, but yeah,

when, because this is, this also doubles up as, like I had to say, this guy at work who was fucking a bit miserable, right? And he was one of the shift supervisors. And he was just, like, grumpier than the other two of his three shift supervisors. And this one guy was just, he seemed huffy all of the time, right?

And I was his main leisure attendant. Like, I stood up, I stepped up for him as supervisor to cover his holidays and shit like that. So we were partnered up all the time. And I found myself making excuses up for him As supervisor To cover his holders And shit like that So we were partnered up All the time And I like Dude And I found myself Making excuses up for him All the time

And I'm just like Oh that's just Malcolm That's what he's like Just fucking naming everyone Naming everyone That's Malcolm That's what he's like People are like

Oh I think Malcolm hates me And I'm just like No no he's just like He's like that Everyone is just like that But then when you start going Why is that your identity? Why is your identity

People thinking that you hate You hate them? Yeah I get what you're saying but i have that as well and i know danny does as well like if you were to meet me and danny for the first time you'd probably it's of all of the days you'd probably have yeah you'd probably have to go like if i'm in one of my just sort of fucking sit around moods like you know not chipping in with much you've probably got to be like oh that's elliot you got me a couple times and realize and the same with daniel as well oh i guess that's the same way anyone's there's some day there's some days where i like fucking i'm just feeling a bit lethargic i can't be bothered and then when i'm chatting to people i'm not i don't feel funny and people know i'm a comedian but i'm not making them laugh yeah but i like it when you finally break through with

something when you finally like chill out with someone and then you just sort of come like oh no they are sound they're just one of those people who just sort of, you know. When someone comes into a thing, I don't try and include them into the, like, I sort of let them sell, like, not in a malicious way. Like, yeah, you work out what you're doing and stuff. But when you are saying to someone, oh, that's just him, that's what he's like,

then that's something that's their problem. Yeah. That's what he's like. He's grumpy with everyone. What I mean with lateness is that it's easily solvable. Okay. So if you... Yeah, it would take a lot of energy to be nice to people. Yeah, yeah.

It's easy. Nah, man. You've got to get a... Here's the thing, yeah. Once you know upwards of 50 people, it's fucked. Once you know 50 people, once you've got 50 people in your life, it's fucked. Because you've got to meet other people through those 50 people it's fucked like once you know 50 people once you've got 50 people in your life it's fucked because you've got to meet other people through those 50 people and it's like

bro i ain't got time to be fucking hanging around you know i love it when i remember someone's name that's one degree of separation from us you know you know because you know that many people that you physically haven't got the i don't have the processing chip for the names of everybody who's given me their name, right? But if there's somebody that I've met once or twice ages ago and their name just comes to visit, I'm just like, hey, Lewis. And they're like, oh, shit, you've remembered my name. And it means so much to me.

That was a fluke. 100 people whose names I forgot. You'll have missed this because you've've um you've clearly like you've gone past it with like that you've missed the technology thing where if you like say you dm a girl or me to go on twitter or something you will know their name because you can just go and have a look at it whereas i've had it before where you've been chatting up someone in a bar or a pub or a club wherever and you get to that point where you get back to theirs and you think I can't remember the name but luckily

if you have a threesome with Matty he'll have probably remembered you're still mattying again yeah that didn't even make any sense I don't know you're still with me

for no reason oh yeah just throwing him in how would Matty remember the name that was not even part of the story no what I'm saying if you had a threesome

imagine you having a threesome right and you had to go to the other lad in a threesome like what's she called she's put me fingers like yes and mattie's like i wrote it on my cock but i'm gonna need a bit of help getting it up to see she called nata can i get it on natalie the blood twist it was nat Natalie that's how it went it wasn't

disclaimer it says so much about you disclaimer you have to throw that disclaimer in there are you going to do another muggle

nah nah that's enough Barry's muggle refire Barry Dodson's suggestion hi Barry as well love you mate

suggestion for people posting photos of the the green grass yeah in the blue sky going not snowing where i'm from yeah is that second degree a muggle or yeah we could do with a degree of muggle where in the summer we'll start doing that as well it's not snowing here it's on a sunny day when the whole country's always pipe ban it's not snowing here i saw a thing on a on there was like a when i was a kid i was watching cbc and it was like top five tips for snowballs and number five i remember this vividly was save

some of the snowballs for summer and put them in your freezer i was like man i ain't going to that level of effort to surprise my mate with a snowball was that a joke no that was like a thing they were suggesting and i was like, imagine it gets to April and your mum opens the freezer door and goes, where's all the frozen chicken gone? And what's that? Just a load of snowballs in it? Can I just say something, Elliot?

I don't live with my mum. Nor do I. I mean, you just said. No, but I was saying when you were a kid. Oh, right, okay. You live with Natalie? Imagine Natalie getting annoyed. Only in the freezer. Kai, where's all the food? She can't get her groceries in. Oh, I'm going to hit, I'm going to hit. you live with Natalie Natalie getting annoyed only the breathing

Kai where's all the food she can't get her groceries in I'm gonna hit I'm gonna hit and then with a couple snowballs when he comes round so yes so we'll put that

in the muggle corner and also your thing what was it again we've just done it where's my memory muggles make being late part of their personality

yes yes there's a few people that need I had a great second one that I'll save for next time. So little plugs. Me and Elliot

will both be in Northumberland in April, the first Monday of April in Crammington. Yes. And then in Blythe, then in Ashington at the Punch Drunk Gigs

alongside Marcus Brigstock and Glenn Wool. Fucking stunning. Absolutely stunning Punch Drunk line-up in April. The March Punch Drunk Gigs in April the March Punch Drunk gigs are coming up

which are nearly sold out and that is Paul Tonkinson Danny McLaughlin and Soccer AM's Lloyd Griffith fuck man you're slaying it with that

yes and while that's happening so you can be in Northumberland watching the Punch Drunk gigs or if you happen to be in the Alps

anywhere around Marybell or Chamonix or Tien me and andrew maxwell will be passing through doing gigs while snowboarding during the day that's for sunday uh friday and saturday you can find me in manchester at the comedy store oh that's pretty dope man that's a that's a fucking great week you're going well you're

meant to be in glasgow i'm meant to be in glasgow um that's it's still possible that i'll be there on friday and saturday like i was meant to be going Glasgow it's still possible that I'll be there on Friday and Saturday like I was meant to be going up tomorrow but I'll put my preview at Top Secret as well for fuck's sake

once you go to Glasgow yeah but on April 5th I'll be doing a preview at Top Secret of new stuff and I've got a bit of some sound

new stuff to try and like I said oh and on May the 3rd I'll be at Top Secret as well that's the comedy club because people go what did you say

Top Secret it's called Top Secret Steppin' Dog Shit it's not one of them things where you go oh you're gonna do no no people genuinely think

that I'm saying it's a Top Secret gig I thought you meant like it was a comedy club no like it's like you know when Jay-Z goes in but I'm not

I'm not big enough to be able to go Top Secret gig tomorrow no but yeah again come say hello at Punch Drunk as well. That'd be wicked. Yes. Elliot.

Oh, yeah? Your dad's nose has got a fingerprint. Your dad went and made a snow angel, and by snow angel, I mean he killed a hooker in the snow. Your dad's smiling on his passport your dad booked himself a week-long writers retreat so he could revive for his driving theory test when you were a

baby I used to you around by one leg. Your sister would be... Your dad has decided he's going to become a paedophile hunter and created a load of fake accounts to try and catch nonces, but his game is so shit that none of them ever want to meet. Get picky. Your dad's lost so many coins up his nose that he can't afford his bus fare back from the amusements. Your dad keeps offering to fight your mum

at the next comedian's boxing. Linda! Linda! Your dad keeps offering to fight your mum at the next comedian's boxing. Linda! Linda! Is that how I want to roll this? Your dad keeps biscuits in his afro. In case... Just in case he needs a sugar rush when he's being outdanced. What the fuck was that?

Do you know what I mean? Your dad has a Help for Heroes tattoo so whenever anyone questions his patriotism he can show them the tattoo of his favourite chocolate selection. The next result for celebrations. Your dad claims it to the neck of his sweatshirt instead of pulling it over his head

your dad tried to get a whatsapp group going with all the lads who sit in the park drinking white ice your dad cries when he's not allowed ice cream your dad went and did a death jam karaoke night Your dad cries when he's not allowed ice cream. Your dad went and did a Def Jam karaoke night, and although the audience agrees rendition of Tupac hit him up was spot on, they would have appreciated it if he could have censored a few of the words.

Tom! Your dad puts electric tape around his dress socks like he's a Sunday League footballer. Your dad is training hard in preparation for the next parents race at school sports day. Got to do it topless. Your dad got thrown out of his local swimming bath for pushing a lifeguard into the pool. Your dad phoned in a fake bomb threat after work when work wouldn't give him the day off so he could go sledge with the kids in the park where ironically he got caught by pedo hunters.

Fuck, that was a dark podcast today, wasn't it? I've got one more. Your dad puts Brian out for Santa every single day just in case I'm done I don't even know if we'll put that podcast out it's horrendous I'm going to go and apologise to Natalie

and delete my sim card I'm going to go and apologise to Matty