Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.28 Agro and Cheez

Episode Date: March 14, 2018

Feast your ears on the return of the Sloss (Cream) as his road leads him to the Brisbane comedy festival and FINALLY the company of some friends. Ozzy legends Nick (Crusher) Cody and Becky (Moots) Lucas join him in wreaking all kinds of havoc on international womans day. 

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream. That's our intro. Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack!

Oh, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? Here. Yeah.

Welcome back to Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. It's me, Daniel Sloss, without Humphreys, but I am here joined by Crusher Nick Cody. Hello. And because it's International Women's Day, we thought we'd honour that by the first female guest in two years because you know what? We are woke on this podcast.

We are allies. It's Becky Lucas. Famous ally to the boys. Oh, that's good. How are you, Becky? I'm good. Did you have a good women's day? Oh, it was great.

Yeah? Yeah. You pissed off some people online. I fucking got given an Instagram to take control of. For the Brisbane Comedy Festival. For the Brisbane Comedy Festival where we're all performing. They gave you their Instagram account. Yes, so I would post photos as this festival.

Yeah, follow Becky around for a day. This is what we get up to. Exactly. So I post, it's international women's day i have a very favorite image of marge simpson just chilling on the couch topless wearing like shit underpants with her tits out with her tits out yeah beautiful with a beer yeah with a beer like it's you know it's like whatever oh look imagine marge is homer what a crazy yeah as if what if. What a world. As if the show would have been so popular.

It probably would have been. But anyway, anyway, so I post that at like 11, we're having breakfast. Nothing, nothing all day. Nothing.

Just whatever. We went about our day. You ran it by as our breakfast, being like, is this funny? And we both went, yes, that's hilarious.

And I just meant, is it funny enough for a comedy account? So I post it. Six hours later, I start getting like screenshots from friends saying all these women are kicking off in a group about how it's like really tone deaf and they were like they're calling for the resignation of like the director of the festival they always go for the top like one person does one thing it's like I demand the president retires the McFlurry machine at McDonald's

was broken yeah anyway so I get all that shit and I have all these women like you know women that don't to my knowledge

do any gigs like they're always online like posting shit about being a woman in comedy and then I'm like why are you not at gigs if you love comedy

why are you not doing the thing that you're obsessed with because they've got to stay home and stop monsters like you, Becky. That's true, yeah. Monsters like you posting positive images of women on International Women's Day on a comedy website. Of which I'm here because I'm selling lots of tickets

and I deserve to be, as a woman. I think I speak on behalf of all women. Oh, here we go. When I say, how dare you? Yeah, exactly. So yeah, so I've got every burlesque for four months. When I say, how dare you? Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, so I've got every burlesque performer. When I say, I get it. Yeah, so I've got every burlesque performer in Brisbane.

No, fucking everywhere, all over the world. Trust me, they're not going to hear this because this is not a podcast that a lot of feminists listen to. No, I can't. Even though. No, I disagree. You're a feminist. No, I am.

No, no, I'm not denying that I'm a feminist. I'm just saying... Just directed at you that one, Sloss. Very hurtful. I'm going to have to call my wife and...

I thought you were going to be like... Cody's famous for reattaching clits that have been cut off, right? With my shaky hands. It's on your knee, but it's back.

You can see Cody at the Women's March in Washington. Well, you can't just see it, but you can see the poster that's just shaking, but it's back. You can see Cody at the Women's March in Washington. Well, you can't actually see it, but you can see the poster that's just shaking violently halfway up the back. I say halfway up the back. He led the charge.

All right, bitches, I'll show you how to protest. And on the side it just said, Chos are good and cool. Chos are people too. Nick Chody here. Nick Chody. Dick Chody. Oh, sorry, Dick Chody. Dick Chodyody my bad uh chody by name chody by nature

this brings me a nice little thing so we always have this thing on the podcast where my nickname on this podcast is cream and i know you don't know that becky because you don't listen to the podcast um too busy just stirring shit up yeah just honestly you fucking troll yeah well the other night i posted a photo of my niece and they all hated that because that was an unrealistic standard of age and beauty. Look, we can't all be six years old. Look, there was a time when I was six years old. But for you to expect me to uphold that standard forever, it's just not medically viable.

You know what's annoying about that joke? You could honestly think it was true. It's that good. Thank you, I just wrote it. I just wrote it. I can't do the splits like your niece. Because my thyroid's sad. It's glandular. Asshole's a mess.

Don't ask mess don't ask don't ask won't tell so his nickname on the podcast is obviously Crusher I'm assuming

you have to have one because it goes in the title I'm assuming it's Blukes yeah Blukes Blukes B. Lukes Becky Lukes

Blukes did you have any nicknames in high school or primary school I had a cycle I mean this story is almost it's hard to tell in this state.

Grud. With bits going. Grud, good. No, it's not good. It's just my friend, my best friend and I, Sophie, who you know, we used to have these characters that we would play almost more than we would be real with each other. We used to be these characters called Moots and Toots.

And we had a whole world for them like they were these little creatures and we had like like there's this whole character thing that we would do so every time we hang out we'd be like sophie and becky and then suddenly we'd switch into this bizarre backstory of these characters and these are they human beings or are they like we didn't really know they're like half beings it's so hard to explain I almost wish I hadn't tried so yes I had a very strong nickname Mutz

and that was before we knew do you say Mutz in Scotland? I don't know I've honestly oh Mutz is a Aussie term for pussy vagina but that didn't come

that came from a very so she was Tootsie which is Aussie for tits. So it was called boobs and pussy. It's Aussie and it's very clever because there's two O's that look like tits. That is what it is. So fuck you.

Well, if you think all tits look like O's, then you don't know. I'd reel at the standard for double O breasts. Don't look like that to all pews. Don't look like capsular pews. Sometimes they look like a sideways eight. One's bigger and one is smaller. Okay? But they go on forever.

Infinity. Infinity fat tits. Give me more. I mean, this is a great International Women's Day podcast. I'm so sorry. Maybe you should not release this. It's not coming out today, so fuck them. I'm so sorry. Maybe you should not release this. It's not coming out today, so fuck them. No, I'm genuinely glad to have you

on the podcast because we've been friends for several years. Sure. I don't like to put labels on things. That's why I brought you here because I wanted to ask you, what are we? Nick Leaf, where do you see this guy?

Get off your fucking phone, guy he's already he's just get off your fucking phone dude no it's just because I showed interest in you he's now sending you death threats you back off my mind you fucking slut Nick is visibly hating this

he hates it guess who oopsies he's out mate so we're all in Brisbane I'm going to bring up my shoes yep you went shoe shopping to do Becky oh yeah you got a lovely pair of white trainers yeah So we're all in Brisbane I'm going to bring up My shoes Yep

You went shoe shopping To do viking Oh yeah You got a lovely pair Of white trainers Yeah I went shoe shopping yesterday I was bragging to you

Nick Cooley About how good I am We went together We did It was like Two blokes How many things Can you buy

In a short amount of time Yeah yeah yeah We did our own version Of supermarket sweep Did you ever get that show Over here We had similar versions It's rich people's looting

There was a Just bought Did you ever get that show over here? We had similar versions of that. It's rich people's looting. Just buying stuff without trying it on? You're an animal. We had a version of that, but on, was it Agro or Cheese TV where kids... What the fuck are your TV stations? Agro and Cheese TV? That's my nickname for you and your wife now. What do you think, what's it called? Agro and Cheese TV. That's my nickname for you and your wife now. What do you think? What's the Twitter on?

Agro and Cheese TV. Agro's Cartoon Connection was a kid's cartoon show every morning that had a character called Agro that was like a little puppet. Fucking weird. Really weird guy. Voiced by just a kind of middle-aged angry dude who would say fuck stuff. But it was on a TV. Kid's TV show and'll lead into cartoons, and Cheese TV was the competition.

Okay. C-H-E-E-Z. TV. TV. Cheese TV. And also because the E's look like breasts. No, I'm sorry. On Monday.

I think once a month or something there was a kid that got a trolley in one of those Like Toy World or something Yeah it would just be like colour this in And then you'd send it back And if you won you got a trolley And you got one minute So I assume it's like supermarket sweep But it's the first time I remember being like angry at a TV

Like at 7 just going Gotta wear the Sega Mega Drives Oh you stupid cunt Like this guy he's putting fucking crayons look how many crayons i got you wasted 15 seconds you adult he's retarded and he's buying crayons so like clearly like the retards put their smartest retard forward all about the controversy today I'm so sorry absolutely fine so you look honestly you're going to get

hay online supermarket sweep you're saying we're trying to shop as quick as we can I'm just laughing at the smartest retard being put forward

from G's TV and they're like yeah yeah you can have as much as you want so they have little mini Olympics at the retard

kindergarten I've never heard the word retard used so much on this podcast. And also, the guest for the past several weeks has been Elliot Steele, so that's a miracle. Maybe we edit this bit out. No, absolutely not.

It's their day, Sloss. Let them say whatever they want, man. I will always say, because I understand the controversy surrounding that word. My sister was retarded. When you use the word retard, I do not think of my sister was retarded when you use the word retard i do not think of my sister i think of donald trump exactly words change oh sloth bringing that political fire you're right and just for me i do not i understand for some people it's got negative connotations but for someone who's got a direct experience with that

and that word it doesn't bother me and if it bothers other people yeah yeah i mean i don't know i i just think it's really funny to send the smartest one in that's why he's getting all the crayons they're like bring crayons back just a bunch of autistic kids being like come back i reckon if it was like if it was like artistic savants they would be very good at the um like because a lot of autistic kids being like, come back. I reckon if it was like autistic savants, they would be very good at the, like, because a lot of times in the supermarket, it wasn't necessarily get the most thing, but you had to get closest to a hundred pounds exactly. Oh, you type motherfuckers in Scotland.

No, no, no, no. In Australia, it was like, I can't get it in. Fill your fucking fat mouth and trolley. It would be like two families, right? And whoever got closest to the hundreds would get to do the actual supermarket sweep. Oh, okay. So there's levels.

Yeah, so it was like a legit competition. It was hosted by Dale Winton, who was just this very, very orange man who was famous in the 90s in the UK. I don't know why he's doing that. He's probably dead. Man, if you're going to get closest to 100, I reckon you go to Kitchen Isle and just like dishwasher tablets,

just get four boxes. It was more impressive how bad we were because it was actually done in a pawn shop and nobody ever got 100. I went on 69. Nice. I love how smart you guys are. We did not have those levels.

It was just get it in. It's because there's so many Scottish kids as Billy Elliot. There's the girl from Brave. I think Yoda. There's just a higher standard there, clearly. Can you do your impression of me on the podcast? No. Nah.

No, he says nah, nah. No, if you get super, like, if you get super psyched about something, he's like, no. No. This is all racist. So far you've offended all. What about the G-O? He's like the G-O.

Remember the guy? Remember the G-O, He's like the G-O. Remember the guy? Remember the G-O? Was he Scottish? Of course he was. Yeah. It just sounds like sloss except he's saying G instead of N. No. No.

So we went shopping. I was trying to show off about how good it was at shopping. I had quite an efficient way to do it. I walked in. I looked at a pair of shoes and it was only you know how to do shoe shops there's only one of the shoes and the other one's in the back so you don't steal them because if you see one of the shoes you're just running in circles i imagine that's the logic so i'm like get the get the other one of these and there was an old man he was like oh they're nice shoes and i just have that thing where i'm like i'm not up for any conversation like i came here for the shoes not to meet you

like nobody came into this store I don't think there's no one worse than Slossett just not giving anyone time a day I know you are actually bad at that he's never worked actual jobs that's what it is paintball referee for fucking three weeks or something

and then so he did paintball refereeing and then he did Conan eight times. You know that normal life? You know that wide range of experiences? Oh, that's so fucking true. You're a cunt. You're a cunt in a restaurant. Thank God for the dead sister, otherwise you'd just want to bash him, you know?

I know. My chair sounds like it's farting. Oh, yeah, yeah. We've all heard this before. That's why you've got a dog. Oh, no, I'll come back to the dog in a fucking second. It sounds like my pussy's farting. Oh, no.

There's the other one. It's just me sliding down a leather chair on a damp day. Tell us about your shoes, shoes mate so this lovely man who i didn't interact with because who he'll be dead soon who cares um comes in and i'm just he goes are these okay i'm like yeah sure and i wore them for seven hours like we went out and we did things and i'm just backstage and then one of you pointed out you are where both of your shoes are different colors yeah yeah one black one yeah one black one navy navy blue am i tripping balls brad shoes are different colors brad yeah it looks like you've got bowling shoes you know what i mean

just walked out like I've had do you remember this today there's one time I went to the stand right got all the way to the stand and walked on stage and realised

I was still in my slippers oh man I was properly still in my slippers very comfortable I drove there really yeah

just in the hall look gotta point that out don't you well I tried to hide it and I know it's someone in the front row

and I was like no no, they are. That's how you know he's never worked a job. Jesus, that is the most wild story I've ever told. Do you understand? That's why he's never worked any actual jobs. That is crazy. Oh, my God. Look, sometimes, Becky, I get loose, okay?

Are you going off script? I'm just riffing. I'm sitting there. Again, proving he's worked no actual jobs, that he just thinks one pair of shoes does it all? You know what I mean? It's never like, where are your work boots? I mean, you're talking as if you're Kai and you've worked hard labouring.

I have. You did babysitting for a theatre company. Yeah, I was. Like in the whole world. I was. You, this fucking grubby, stone-handed labourer. Those bits of kelo's from white. I did labouring for four days.

It was fucking brutal. Yeah, carpet laying and then carpet munching. That's such a good observation. He's a fucking nicknameser. Nick, the everyman whose dog is named after hummus.

Hold on, is Mrs. Millionaire Dad and fucking Mr. UN fucking giving me shit? You stream guy who like was the manager of

Athlete's Foot. I actually got rejected for a job there and at Foot Locker. Yeah, I had to work out how to scarf. You have a store called Athlete's Foot?

Yeah. Fuck off. Yeah, a shoe store. You know that's a disease. Yeah, mate. Some of that. So what? Well, you know.

Do you have a store called Athlete's Foot? I like Observational Sloss. Yeah. That's a comic. It's a disease. It's a... No more religion stuff. It's just me doing stuff. It's a disease. It's a... No more religion stuff.

Just me doing science. That's bad. Athlete's foot? No. It's Scottish. That's a disease. Just me doing Scottish science. What's the deal? What's the fucking deal with athletes? That's a disease, cunt.

Am I coming in to get a fucking disease on my feet? Seriously, I have to say, Athletes Foot is such a good company. They provide our experience footwear for people with all sorts of... I like how that's the first thing you've apologised for

on this podcast. Yeah. Did you have any real jobs, Pank yeah i mean you say millionaire dad my dad was oh no i'm fucking with you yeah all right i just it's actually my mom was in a caravan yeah but my dad's a millionaire it's a bizarre um world in which i've never heard of a divorce going in that direction like he's a millionaire and she lives in a caravan. Oh, Jesus. Happy International Women's Day. Yeah.

Married in Saudi Arabia? She lives just a stone's throw away. And trust me, he knows. Yeah, that was in the contract. What was your real jobs? Oh, I did, I was a cafe. Just a hotel. Yeah, I owned a cafe. My daddy was at a cafe just a whole cafe

yeah I owned a cafe my daddy bought me a cafe in one of those pretentious cafes where they won't give you sugar

until you try the coffee first are you serious I've never had that oh I've had that in Melbourne I went to a coffee shop

I ordered double espresso and I was like can you get sugar I think I just went yeah she meant

to like enjoy the like natural sweetness of it I'm like I'll fucking toast in this if I think I just went you're actually meant to like enjoy the like natural sweetness of it I'm like I'll fucking put toast in this if I bought the thing it's not up to you how I eat it yeah I understand I understand both sides of that but I'm definitely with the customer more yeah you bought it man do whatever the fuck you want it's just you're gonna make you're gonna shit later who cares you know what I mean you're gonna take a violent dump within an hour stop Stop pretending the first

bit's classy of a messy afternoon. But then, I mean, they probably have the same passion when someone's like, I love comedy. I'll go to and then name a terrible act that you hate. You're so like, I care about this thing. Why don't you?

So we're the same with the barista. That is a good point. See if someone were just say to me I love comedy Peter Kay's the best I'd be like what no the difference is

is that you're not getting that money you know what I mean if they went to another cafe and bought the espresso and then asked you

for sugar to put it in yeah like I've bought the thing when someone says they love comedy we're not getting money from that so we're like

there's better things available. Which is why there should be a union. Am I right? I think there are comedy unions. There are. It's only notes. I was saying, Nick Muller,

this is so funny to reference another podcast on this, on our podcast, but he was talking about it the other day. He's like, I got into comedy and I've always felt this way. I got comedy because it's like i don't want a workplace i don't want a fucking hr department i love the navigation of all these like fucked people and it's exciting and there's no rules and there is a like very you know whatever structure to it and it's like so erratic and cool and why then these nerds come in and they're like comedy's a job it's like what it doesn't have to be like that's why we fucking did this so we didn't have

to have a job comedy's a job but yeah don't get me wrong you do make it look like you are working hard up there yeah working hard to hardly working oh no working very hard Still not going well. The material's hardly working. All right. Should we go to... This is why we... You were complaining about Michael Korn, but this is exactly why we're moving to each other. Natural low. Uh-huh.

And that's you with the first... It's like we... Does it feel like we all just smoked a joint recently? Yeah, or two, probably. Yeah, it's got that vibe to it, doesn't it? Yeah. It's like, ha, ha, ha, ha. In my mind, we're hilarious, but time will tell.

We should just call this podcast. Anyway. Yeah. Muggle Corner? Muggle Corner. Becky, would you like to do the first Muggle Corner? For me, I hate it when, this is just like, I hate it. You just hate it.

Yeah, it's Muggles hate it they're not malicious people but they're just like shit and everyone has it's like people whose favourite day is like New Year's Eve you know what I mean alright dickhead

it's a great day oh yeah that's right we argued over that one yeah okay mine is people who learn a new word and then use it like

four hours later as if they've always known it that's preposterous I hate I hate when people show off their new lexicon and then use it four hours later as if they've always known it. That's preposterous. I hate when people show off their new lexicon. You know when there was the eclipse recently? Yeah.

And then suddenly everyone's talking about the eclipse and stuff, and the word totality started being used. And then suddenly everyone's like, yeah, have you seen the totality of the eclipse? What's the totality? Exactly. It's just a word that's in every news headline. I think it's the covering of the light from the moon.

Yeah, it's like a full eclipse. So to see an eclipse in full is called to see one in totality. Totality, yeah. Exactly. Not a partial eclipse. So this is like now if you, four hours later, said something like, Nick, can you please close the curtains in totality? That's what I was likeality i probably will now like because i'm this i'm i totally agree with you but it is something i absolutely do because i'm like that's a new smart word i didn't know yeah so i'm going to use that

yeah i must digress i don't think my initial thing is people who use it just decide to use it it's more people who treat you like you're an idiot because you don't know this new word so like four hours later they're like oh you're not seeing the eclipse in totality and you're like no i don't think i'm gonna go and they're like oh yeah but it's similar like when people uh like if you get if you say something stupid or you say something that's an urban myth, that's something that's a fact, it goes, actually, I think I find that's an urban myth. Yeah. And you're like, ugh.

And then two days later, one of your friends says the thing. And you're like, I think I find that's actually an urban myth. No, I just learned it somewhere. I never believed it. Yeah, you just find yourself embodying that new thing. Is Sloth trying to convince us that he's smug at times? Look, I learned this new word the other day. It's called dog cunt.

I learned it from you. You fucking dog cunt. You yelled it at me when I said totality. I'm trying to think of any of the new words that I've learned recently that I've very much I know, what's the one where it's you just learned I did learn, I'll use moot

can you fuck a moot? I fucked her in the moot I done a chuffed right up her moot combining different slang terms. What a worldly man. Our languages and our lexicon meet. Here I was thinking he was some Scottish rank cunt,

and he said, I chuffed up her moot. And I'm like, whoa, this man has travelled. Why not, buts? Why not, buts? I would say for the logic of this argument, the word has to be based in a smugness. It has to be like, I know about the eclipse. Didn't you know this was happening in Afghanistan? No, no, no, no, no.

I think the using of the word and then not doing it is very annoying. Yeah, but genuinely and sincerely passing it off as if you've always known it. Shaming other people, being like, I can't believe you don't know this thing that I learned seven seconds ago. Allow me to do it. Which we're all admitting that we do it. Yeah, of course.

But let's think about my corner. We're all very guilty of it. But it's just something you catch yourself doing. You're going, I'm a fucking dog cunt. You know palindromes? Those are words that are the same forward and backwards, like race car and stuff. So there's another word, which is, I'm going to fuck it up, palindromes, those are words that are the same forward and backwards like race car and stuff. So if

there's another word which is, I'm going to fuck it up but it's basically the word palindrome backwards is words that when read backwards say different words entirely. That's called palindrome emidorp or whatever the fuck it is.

So palindrome emidorp is an actual one itself. Oh, wow. See, how impressed are you by my knowledge? I'm a proper edumacated boy. But you don't realise how stoned we are and how unable I think we both are to say that again. I'll show you pictures later. I was going to say,

shut up, tog-eth. Oh, I can see the cogs turning. It was worth it. It was worth it. Good thing you'd be psyched there, because this guy just had the countdown music playing. I took the run-up from Melbourne. You were like, what's the movie with Robin Williams?

A fucking... It's not your fault. What's the... It's not your fault. Wow, now it's just turned into movie trivia. Oh, fuck. What is it? Matt Damon.

Matt Damon, Robert Williams. Good Will Hunting. Good Will Hunting. Yeah, you're like that. But with, like, the blackboard. Like, your teacher sees you and you're writing it backwards. And you're like, yeah, he should definitely stay the janitor this is not someone we should allow in our university at any point

i write it on the window in the fog and then from the other side i go oh i should have written it the other way what's your muggle corner my muggle corner I might have two this is a suggestion from someone who listens to the podcast I can't remember who but you know who you are and if you're sad that I didn't read your name you're a fucking muggle

they didn't mention me on the podcast muggles tweet Donald Trump and it's such a there's two types focus, the, whatever, muggles tweet Donald Trump. Oh. Oh. And it's such a, it's such a, there's two types. So it's the muggles, like,

non-comedians who tweet Donald Trump. Like, if you ever click on a Donald Trump thing, I recommend you do, and just read 60 replies from the one guy being like, you should,

you should be in peace. You're the worst. You're like, he's not reading it. Yeah. Like, you might as well just go into the bathroom and just fucking yell it at a fucking picture that you stuck on the mirror. It's the same. You're like, he's not reading it. Yeah. Like, you might as well just go into the bathroom and just fucking yell it at a fucking picture

that you stuck on the mirror. It's the same effect. It's crazy. It's insanity. And the muggles are also the ones that like those as well. Like, oh, good point. Especially if it's a celebrity. Oh, God.

I think it's really sad, though, because, like, Megan Amram, who I think is a great comedy writer, wrote The Good Place. I think you said you liked that. Yeah, yeah. She's the one that does the great tweet every day. Today's the day. Yeah, who I think is a great comedy writer, wrote The Good Place. I think you said you liked that. Yeah, yeah. She's the one that does the great tweet every day. Today's the day Donald Trump finally became president.

I had to unfollow her. Why? Just because. Just because of that. I found that so irritating to say that every day. Yeah. I think a lot of people try and have an online thing. And there's such pressure.

She has to keep doing it. And it's like, are you sure this is funny yeah it's hard i mean she must believe it but yeah i think at that point i get what you thrown down trademark i think it's just it's i get why she does it because for me it's just exactly trying to get a bit to stick we did it today which is the one of the comments on your instagram thing was today of all days yeah and i found that so funny that which is the one of the comments on your instagram thing was today of all days yeah and i found that so funny that anything for the rest of the day that happened today of all days so yeah i get what i get i get it too and i just think it was like

a disappointing thing when someone you admire does something that's off the mark yeah you know it's disappointing when your friend makes a joke that's off the mark. Rather than what it's like to be a Kevin Spacey fan. Big fan for years and then he did something slightly off the mark. Off kilter and up kilter. He's a young squad. That's been said before. Probably.

By you. But I'm just trying to get it to stick. I just keep saying it. Because if we keep saying it. Repetition is key. I've got a catchphrase on the podcast now. We're getting into March. But then also,

celebrities are the other ones as well. Comedians, I find, I don't get why you said the Meghan Markle thing, is I get so annoyed by comedians. And I've done it. I'm absolutely guilty. But I did it before he was president. I used to tweet Donald Trump when I was like 22 and I just discovered Twitter. And I'm like, I'm just going to troll celebrities. I'm absolutely guilty. But I did it before he was president. I used to tweet Donald Trump when I was like 22.

And I just discovered Twitter. And I'm like, I'm just going to troll celebrities. I'm edgy. Everyone's going to see it. I used to tweet the Pope. Oh, God. But not the good new Pope, but the shitty old, you know. At 22.

Old gropey-poopy, that one. Yeah. Yeah. Or as Andrew Maxwell calls him, Pope Nazi. Nazi Pope. Remember the Nazi Pope? He was Pope Nazi. Nazi Pope. Remember the Nazi Pope? He was a Nazi. I used to tweet them all the time, but I grew out

of it very quickly, and I've gone back and deleted all of them. Not because I think they're bad, but I'm just genuinely embarrassed by that part of my life where I sincerely thought that was cool and funny. I know, but everyone on the internet is in whatever phase of their life they think they're right.

So that's why fights occur. I talk about it in my show a bit. Disclosure. What's your show called? Just for a little plug. Cute, funny, smart, sexy, beautiful. Ah, holla. But I forget what I was saying.

No, I get what you're throwing down. You didn't even hear it. What an ally. You said blah blah blah Right Yep It's the way I said it Comedy's about It's about timing

It's the pause between the second and the third I just think those are the best Pudge states where you salve the joke And you turn to the audience and you just give it that very important three second pause and you go, what was I saying? Could have been good.

What's your muggle cornice like? I just said that, how high are you? It was literally the one we've discussed. The Donald Trump one. I was wondering why we were rambling on about that for a bit. What this game is, is essentially, this is Nick Cody specifically, I'll wait until everyone's done talking. You're not listening.

You're waiting until we're done talking and you're like, my turn. Okay, here we go. Well, speaking of, my muggle corner, and there's a good chance, my wife and I are trying for kids, so there's a chance I'm probably going to end up doing it. Baby announcement photos on social media oh yeah you know like the the pet the adult shoes and then the little baby shoes yeah guess who's coming or the like i knew becky would fucking hate that the two older siblings and

they're both holding so he's been like we're about to be big sisters but neither of us can read. And you're like, oh. We were talking about yesterday. There must be good ways to do it. For sure. My mate Max Price

had a great one. Yeah. Him and his partner put up like a piss take of Knocked Up, the movie poster. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Like a Photoshop version. Yeah. That's great. I would do like two big lines of Coke and then a small one. You'd be like, expecting one more for the search. The best thing, Greg Larson, oh, I probably shouldn't say it. Whatever. We can add, if you want us to, as a boy who hasn't had it anyway.

Hold on, Kai, potentially cut here. I can cut it up before we say this one, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Greg Larson's wife's cousin or whatever got a film crew, just this highly strong woman got a film crew, had a balloon in it, hired a dress, got all dressed up, and she led her husband with a film crew through a balloon in a like hired a dress got all dressed up and she led her husband with a film crew through a through the woods yeah she was gonna pop the balloon and then the like it was

either pink or blue also the gender reveal yeah the gender reveal oh that's the worst one isn't she's in like a fairy dress balloon film crew through all woods like ready to pop this balloon in a clearing and instead she got she slipped over, got stuck in a stick She got stuck in a stick She got stuck in a log and her dress got ripped and then the balloon popped and just went all over

The balloon popped, which means it's a miscarriage It's a miscarriage. It's a fairly bad omen. This has been a fucking stark podcast. One of the odds of falling on a cowdanger in the forest. T-Bagged a bear trap. That's hilarious.

I'm trying to think if there's any other words. My friends have done decent baby announcements. Of course. I guess the old devil of Muggeroy was just posting up a photo of the scan. It all looks the same. You could show me any scene

from Star Wars and I'd be like, oh, cool, cute baby. That's awesome. Have you seen the great one? I'm literally discussing a thing that happened on the Scottish internet. And it was a woman posted up a baby scan

and this six-year-old woman went, Jesus Christ, that lasagna looks burnt. And the woman was like like that's my baby laughter laughter but I think like I'm not an expecting

expecting parent or whatever and I want kids one day but I do imagine some of them have this certain like pride like no it's all new and things like you've got to be able to have the fucking absolute shit ripped out of you of course like because

I reckon when you become a parent a lot of muggle things no longer become a choice like it's just part of your thing yeah dad jokes

I look forward to I'm already part of that I love a dad joke I think they're fucking hilarious yeah I think I nearly tried to say it

the hilariousest I say it every time which is a new word I learned the other day I'll be using it later I get what you're throwing down my trademark trademark's trademark isn't it

TM and then the little C copyrighted you say that now the same way Elliot Steele says you you know what I mean. Listen to the podcast and he says it every five seconds. And it's annoying because you never... Yeah, but that's actually... He doesn't mean it.

He's actually checking. For comedic effect. Do you know what I mean? No. You thick... Mess your buddy. Oh, the dad jokes. The dad joke I play the most

is any time Lucia asks me where something is, I describe that thing and say, oh the dad jokes the dad joke I play the most on my wife is anytime Lucia asks me where something is I describe that thing and say I just threw it in the bin before

like every time that's funny so I do you know where my phone is oh fuck you wanted that yeah I fucking threw it in the bin

every time have you seen my hair strut no you're kidding why was it on the floor I threw it out that's just a great jokeut? No. You're kidding. Why was it on the floor? I threw it out. That's just a great joke.

Nick, where's the baby? You're kidding. You're kidding. Oh, God. Where to God? Cheers. Flushed it. Yeah.

I know this sounds like the boy who cried wolf, but it's legitimately in the bin. I didn't know it was yours. I thought it was mine. I thought you'd find that real, real embarrassing. The guy's one he always does, which is whenever you go, I'm going to go jump in the shower.

Don't do that, you'll slip. Every time. And that is the worst type of fucking... It's not the worst type of banner. It's the best type of fucking banner. I find the worst type of... I think the worst type of fucking... It's not the worst type of banner. It's the best type of fucking banner. I find the worst type of... I think the worst type of fucking banner is anyone that just tries to...

They'll hear somebody else do something. I think people using the word woke. I'm guilty of this. But using the... I'm doing a parody of other people now. It's like your parody is boring. Your parody is boring. And I'm utterly guilty of it.

I'll see somebody else doing a bit and I'll accidentally murder it because I enjoyed their bit so much. I'm like, I'll help. Oh, I killed it.

Is she having fun over there? I absolutely fucking ruined it. Exhibit A. Should we get into... No No we've still got We've still got loads of time to fill How much? We've got at least Ten minutes to fill

Nah we'll send him We'll send him another one Surely ten minutes is Is done Is this No I've just got one more And this does get And I've got a story to go

With it Because I would like Oh another double muggle corner Double muggle corner I'm fucking Look I've not been on the podcast for ages They've missed me Oh speaking of I would like to say muggle corner double muggle corner I'm fucking look I've not been on the podcast for ages yeah they've missed me

oh speaking of I will would like to say a genuine thank you to everyone every place I went to in America there were podcast fans it was very weird to walk out in Colorado

and just for someone in the audience to just share like cream and I'm like yeah and all other people go what it just sounds like they were shouting an order

cream and I went yeah it's like I came I'm just like oh you know my trigger words what? It just sounds like they were shouting an order. Cream! And I went, yeah, it's like I came. They were just like, oh, you know my trigger words. So, Muggles fashion defines them, right? And what I sort of mean by this is, I will admit, Oh, for sure. I'm not

a massive fashion person, and I'm not criticising Really? All two-colour shoe sloths. Yeah, it may surprise you to learn. Did we ever get to that? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. But it pared out, and then you marked it for being a shit story. So thanks for bringing it back up. Did I really? Yes, you did. We spoke about aggro's counting connection for a bit. Oh, yeah.

No, that was cool. I'm going to punt... I'm probably going to punt you right in the moot. There he is. Yeah. He's back. But. I'm going to punt. I'm probably going to punt you right in the mood. There he is. Yeah. He's back. But what I mean, like, if your fashion defines you, like, oh, my. If you've been like, oh, God, you're wearing those shoes.

I posted the photo of my shoes today being like, what a fucking idiot I am. And somebody was like, oh, that's what you get for buying them at fucking Shoe Zone or some shit thing. I'm like, they fucking cover my feet and they're not stilettos. Yeah, totally. Like, what more do you want from me as a... Like, if your fashion defines you, my personality defines me. And I'll tell you what's more beautiful.

The inside. You must have an amazing personality because you dress like shit. Yeah. I like how you say that as if you've never met me. You're like, you must do. I do love your personality.

That's why Sloss hooks up with so many people. They're like, just get those fucking clothes off. It's not to love. He's like, yeah, I like dirty talk. They're like,

no, please, this is disgusting. I'm the only man that women use that line to me. Those are awful shirts. Shirts, I'm wearing plural. That's an awful shirt. I'd rather

see them on my floor. It would look better on my floor. I mean, it would still look awful on the floor, but I would generally just rather them anywhere else. So what really fucked me off, I was flying over from London to the States, and for the first time

ever, bumped myself up to premium economy. Not like business class but for an extra 200. It's just like two seats. It's a bit bigger. There's more free booze. You get served things in class.

It was great. You're talking a king in the air cunt on the ground, mate. Yeah, absolutely. You're a big fan of the old business class and the loyalty cards, you fucking muggle.

Until Muggle Boy gets his own cutlery in the sky and he's like, Cody's ontouggle. Until Muggle Boy gets his own cutlery in the sky and he's like, Cody's onto something. How the other half live. So I'm up there and I'm sat beside this Italian guy and I know he's Italian because he keeps telling me he's Italian.

Because he's making pizza. They'll just do anything up here. He watched Mamma Mia only on the plane and then played Super Mario the whole time and then at one point I was sleeping, I opened my mouth and there was a bit of spaghetti in my mouth, there was a bit of spaghetti in his mouth. He's an asshole.

Or it was a tapeworm. I was very drunk. So I'd had like six wines at this point because I'm on a plane, I'm getting shit-faced. He'd had like one and the steward comes down and she takes the tray off me and the bottle of wine is finished and it's closed and the cup's

empty but she picks it and hit a bit of fucking turbulence. It's not her fault. It's turbulence. The cup falls off and it lands on his jeans but there's no wine left in this. I'm talking a single red drop. It lands on his... But I assume an Italian man is wearing white jeans

white jeans oh stereotypes for the win win win win win on it right and this guy it's just a little bit and he's

furious he's like effing and jeffing and fucking Italian right and she's immediately I'm so sorry she runs away

to get like fucking white wine to either put on her or just fucking glass the cunt right and he's yelling at one point she comes with napkins

and he just he fucking knocks them out of her hand he's like do you know how much these cost and I'm sitting there going

that's what you get for wearing them on a fucking air yeah like who are you dating in the fucking sky like why

why are you looking your best for a 14 hour shift sweating through your fucking bodies? Jeans on a long haul flight is the sign of a fucking idiot. I enjoy your white jeans and your fucking stinky ass cracking balls

you fucking moron. It's like comfy, comfy pants. If he was a fucking business person, which he wasn't because he wasn't in business class. Yeah. If he was in that, and it was like,

it was on the shirt, and if you're getting met by the clients at the gate, which would never happen, you're going to be picked up. And if you've got business class, you've got more shirts. Just wait till you get off the plane.

Yeah. And I was genuinely so tempted, because he fell asleep like 30 minutes later. Ah. And I was so tempted to just genuinely just get more red wine. But like really close. Just dab it.

But make it just everywhere on there. And just when he woke up, just being like, oh, she was not. But he probably would have punched her in the face. And that's not an acceptable thing. Especially not on today. Of all days. No, it's 12.30. It's all about just cut to the size of Becky

being put through a table. Jesus Christ. She hears the word retard five times at the start of this podcast. Cut it out. You have to cut it out. That's the way. It is too much.

I forgot we were doing our podcast. I really don't think it is, but if you want us to cut it out. Okay. That's a way. It is too much. I forgot we were doing a podcast. I really don't think it is, but if you want us to cut it out, I don't know. Whatever. Who cares? Your dad jokes. Your dad jokes.

No, just for the mugger. So basically, the way the game is, if people are guilty of these things, they have to go stand in the corner for 30 seconds. And if they do stand in the corner for 30 seconds,

they are definitely a mugger. What can a bugger abase the rules of this stupid podcast? I've actually sent Sloss photos before of me standing in a muggle abase the rules of this stupid podcast I've actually sent Sloss photos before of me standing in a corner just facing the wall

I'll be here for 30 seconds thank you so my ones were muggles tweet Donald Trump which is what I'm

saying there muggles fashion defines them it's nice to look good I'm glad it makes you fucking happy but I forgot the

tweets Donald Trump thing my mum keeps getting banned from facebook for like trolling trump supporters oh she's it you go over to her house and you know my mum's almost 60 right you just don't expect to walk into the door and go oh just because i called him an orange cunt, Zuckerberg cracked it. That's so good. What a king.

So do we just go one for one? No, this is Muggle Corner. Just remind us of your Muggle Corner. It was people who added a new word to their lexicon and then have that level of smuggery. And I had baby announcement photos on social media. 100% in.

Oh, before we go into the jokes, let's plug the shows. So you've got loads to... I'm going to have you both on a podcast in the next couple of weeks because we are spending the next two months together. We're having a lot of fun. Becky, this week you were on at the Brisbane Powerhouse at 7.15. 7.15? Doesn't matter? No, it doesn't. because it's in the past

it's going out it's going to be done I think I'm sold out though oh fuck it fucking brag about that well in that case are you doing I'm not

I bet Melbourne's the big one for me so Melbourne if you can come on Sydney's done well not done but it's fine but Melbourne please

it's such a long month what's the what's the show called when and where it's called Cute Funny Smart Sexy, Beautiful. It's at 8.15 in Town Hall.

And Nick? My show's called Loose Unit. It's on Brisbane, Melbourne, Adelaide, Canberra, Perth, Sydney, Auckland. NickCody.com.au. At TheNickCody on Instagram. I'm no longer on the old Twitter. No? That's great.

Yeah. No, did I not tell you? So I got locked out. There was suspicious activity on my account. So they locked me out and said? That's great. Yeah. No, did I not tell you? So I got locked out. There was suspicious activity on my account. So they locked me out and said... Between Donald Trump? Yeah. Your mum hacked your Twitter. She wasn't letting her Facebook so she hacked your Twitter. She did ask for my phone for a

minute. She was saying, cop that. She was just like, Nick, Nick, hold on, just for no reason. What's your mother's maiden name? So they locked me out And said Just reset your password So I tried to reset it Got sent to my

Older email address I didn't know that Tried to get in there What was your Older email address Crusher69 At hotmail.org Crush underscore daddy

At hotmail.com Stereotypes Yay The one before that Was crusher underscore dot underscore man at hotmail.com second so yeah then uh hotmail from from the action the other hotmail that the twitter was linked to like well if you've forgotten your password, we can send you an activation code to your mobile,

and it's my old mobile number. And I'm like, I just can't get on Twitter now. And the worst bit is my last tweet is retweeting Sloth saying he's on Conan tonight. So it's like, I'm done, boys. You know, Kai's old email address was at KaiForReal2002 at Hotmail.com. And the only reason I say that is because

it's not his old email address at all. It's his current one. Oh, no. No, it's not. He does have a new one, but I think he still has access to it. Yeah. So send him some deck picks. Or some clip picks.

My email was Mrs. R. Jackson, because I loved Michael Jackson so much I was like Oh no I'm an idiot So your name's Becky Oh Mrs. R. Jackson So I loved him I had posters everywhere

T-shirts, I had every album From when I was like four Saw him live, every fan club Loved Michael Jackson So I was like yeah i want to marry him blah blah that was my email and like do you know it was so crazy like the day i realized i wasn't his type it was my 80th birthday honestly like i remember being like oh i couldn't marry him. I loved him. How old were you when you worked this out? I think I was like 14.

Oh, that's so... I really was like, yeah. I love that Becky hears about a pedophile scandal and goes, now he won't marry me. Yeah. God damn it. The true victim in all of this. It's just not going to be good press for him.

It's just not the time. Was there any specific thing that made you realise, or was it just... No, it was just, like, information that I was sort of coming across. What, in your fucking daily daybreak? Like, seriously, I was deep in it. That's what I always... I mean, this is an extrapolated point, but, you know, like, every time you have, like, stuff in the media, like, you go, like, with TV, they're always like,

oh, can you make your TV show, like, something that we can put on Snapchat? Like, we get to the kids, like, the kids are on Snapchat, like, we've got to make everything shorter, rah, rah, rah. And it's like, you know, they always want to make, like, 15-minute web series. Content, content, easy. It's got to be, like, easy, accessible. And it's like, that's actually not true. Like, we still watch hour-long episodes of things.

But we bitch, no. For some reason reason we think like or teenagers are all doing this we have to do what they do it's like i was in a fucking i was in 14 michael jackson fan clubs when i was at that age you don't listen to me i don't know what i'm doing yeah yeah yeah stop trying to stop trying to corner the youth market because they'll become the adult market and you're adults exactly much much longer longer unless you die. Some people are kids forever. What a positive spin. Anyway, hug your children.

Becky, your dad pronounces scared, scared. He's like, I'm scared. Sauce. Your dad is a Foo Fighters fan and he looks like a Foo Fighters fan. Sloss, your dad is a Foo Fighters fan and he looks like a Foo Fighters fan. Sloss, your dad says, Bitcoin? Wouldn't mind a bit of coin myself and then nudges everyone at the table.

Cody, your dad wears Heelys on the treadmill and then brags about doing a five minute mile Your dad is so homophobic he sucked off ten dudes in a park I just don't get how you keep doing it Becky, your dad thinks Scrubs is funny Okay first of all it is And I watched it again recently And you know what it's aged well

Becky your dad cried when your mum Said Limp Bizkit wouldn't perform at their wedding He said friend there's so many letters. So many emails. Tweet them loads. Sloss, your dad's favourite planet is Jupiter and no one cares when he tells them. You know it's made up of gas.

Nobody gives a shit, Martin! Sloss, your dad has his pubes in a top knot. Cody, your dad writes Toy Story erotica, but only about Mr Potato Head, Slinky, and the Three-Eyed Aliens, and critics have called it somehow racist. That's brilliant. Critics.

brilliant so critics um Cody your dad voted for Trump just to

have friends online he's finally figured out a new way to fight with mum he's just

trying to get the fire back in the relationship it's all it's the only time we ever talk. Becky, your dad has meth mouth. Becky, your dad puts a condom on for a wank. Not on his dick, on his hand.

Says it feels like a frog is doing it. Sloss, your dad is such a creep. He tried to hook up with one of your friends and you never found out about it because she's so ashamed and she killed herself after coming into contact with one of his leather cuffs. That guy's deep. Fucking Martin, get out. Sloss, your dad thinks he's using the Boomerang app, but he just has Parkinson's.

Cody, your dad insists on shitting while lying on his back, legs and stirrups, your mum holding his hand and screaming, you did this to me. On today of all days. Is it my turn? Yeah. Cody, your dad has opened every virus email he's ever been sent, and he's gay. What a cherry on top.

What a... I'll pop that cherry on top. Becky, your dad sells his jizz on Gumtree. Gumtree. Becky, I posted a gym workout selfie and your dad slid into my DMs and opened with, how's your Sunday going? Boys, goats. Is it my turn?

Yeah. Fuck. I don't know if I've got any more left. That's fine. I've got some more. Do you have any more? Yeah, I've got one more for you, Sloss. This is my final one.

Your dad says, more like international women's guide. Cody, your dad lights incense and shoves it up his arse to set the mood. At funerals. I love it at funerals. Becky, your dad's erection points downward. Cody, your dad isn't baptised because he thinks

holy water is Jesus' cum. And not because he refused to be touched by it. But within three seconds he literally gassed it all down without breaking eye contact. And Becky, your dad's stag do was just him and your uncle walking into old people's homes and giving them

Chinese burns can't do this when I'm married anymore the old wallet chain oh fucking savage very good

it's a lot a lot of fun Becky thank you for coming on the podcast thanks for having me Cody thanks for coming back cheers man yeah well we'll see you on in a couple of fun Becky thank you for coming on the podcast thanks for having me Cody thanks for coming back cheers man yeah well we'll see you on a couple of weeks come to our shows you can't and I'll talk to you in a couple of weeks bye