Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 2.29 WW1 Erotica

Episode Date: March 19, 2018

After a lovely rare podcast from Sloss in Australia we are back in the UK with Elliot Steel joining Kai as they struggle to spit ignorant psudo knowledge over every topic they step on from police states to feminism. Kai explains to Elliot how he got a guilty hard on to a World War 1 book. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

My muggins mean a lot to cream. That was Stephen Hawking's doing that. Should I delete that? Oh, no. I think you've got to go for it. I asked to do one as well and you denied. No, move your hand. I'm not going to delete it.

Yeah, so I asked to do one and you didn't let me for that shit. What are you going to do? Milker, Milker, milk a milk a milker i'm 100% milker milk a milk a milk a milker 200% milker wait i'm deleting that i've been good i was doing well in life up till then. Yeah, we started with some real fire. I had some other one. Tracksuit, grey, black, blue. I was just a hope-filled cream like you. Bit of AJ Tracy. Wait, I'm definitely deleting. No, it's fine.

They've done such a good podcast, Becky and Cody and Sloss and then we're going to release one the following day and that's what we've got. Mate, do you know what? This is one for the listeners. This is one for the real fans. I's that's what we've got well mate do you know what this is one for the listeners this is one for the real fans I miss Daniel

I miss him too yeah they did a great podcast they did it actually they did it last week but it took the wages to send it they did it on International Women's Day how did you celebrate

International Women's Day I went out and laid a wreath down at the women monument like you do and then the little brass band started playing. And we all stood there and gave a minute's silence for all the women. That's how we did.

You wear your uniform and your medals. Yeah, I went out there. We watched the women's parade. We stood there and we were like, thank you for fighting for our freedom, women. And gave them a big thing. And then the day was over and we went back to hating them again. And then later, soon as you watchednight. Get the fuck back indoors. If you're going out, put your veil on.

I'm going to follow a thought where I know I'm wrong, right? Great start. Unlike the podcast. I'm going to put it out there. It's going to be fucking terrible. We're going to talk about and discuss why I'm wrong we're going to laugh and move on right

you've got me here so you're probably not going to discuss why it's wrong right you know working men's clubs yeah

which there's a lot of in the north eastern we run gigs in the concert halls right they never used to let women in right

and there's some golf clubs fucking until recently never used to let women in and there was a sign still up in a working men's club in the north east

saying women are welcome here as if that was progressive right you know but we've only lived in a world where the women are cool as fuck

right like I don't know women every fucking woman I hang out with I fucking love them right how bad must their ancestors have been

this is a terrible thought right but we don't consider that they weren't cool as fuck yeah we don't consider that they weren't cool as fuck yeah we don't consider that because you know when people talk about women of yesterday they're talking like battle axes i mean i've been part of the problem here like wenches and fisher wives like i don't really get what you mean like old school women like 100 years ago and we're having a rolling pin gun where's my money is that what they used to do i don't know i just thought they used to like just be like oh we want to vote i'm just i'm just speculating here right that because there's never a situation in this in

the world that i know where i want a sausage fest where i go i wish it was only dudes here there's not a situation i know of so like so your reason so my head scratcher this is just a following of logic and i know I'm probably wrong right but my following of logic is for me to go right we need to

make a situation where it's only men but women must have sucked yeah they were probably just a bit annoying back then probably since being

let in the clubs they got a bit of banter about them innit I don't know I'm probably wrong probably do some hate but

I just thought I'd put it put it out there. They'll be the ones who'll take this as a joke and they'll be ones that go, I was listening to an episode of Slauson Humphreys. And then there'll be some guys. Do you ever see them guys?

Yeah, I always used to say this. You see guys who wear this is what a feminist looks like t-shirt. Have you ever just tried buying a girl a drink and having a chat with her? That's always my fault with that. You know when you see men who are objected, look how feminist I am. And it's like just fucking like support like go okay whatever the wage yeah

fucking end that but you don't have to wear a t-shirt like going hey ladies look i agree with you tinder feminists half of these gents are just trying to get some puss oh absolutely half of them are just like oh that's what's popular right now i'm gonna fight the cause like i don't know my role in feminism and i've i've talked about this on stage before but like i always feel like my role is to not be an obstacle yeah stay out the way yeah which i mean i've just provided a little bit of an obstacle with my fucking shitty thinking before but it was just a joke just a joke but not really really. I always think when you can joke about it, if people can tell you're joking about it, then it's fine. But it's when it's like, with feminism, I just kind of go like,

yeah, go, go, but I'm not, I don't know what you expect me to be able to do. Like, I support your cause, but I won't sign your petition because I don't sign petitions. You know what I mean? Like, I don't do any of that sort of, I, man, the only petition I ever signed was to change the Australian dollar to the

didgeridoo. That's the only one I've ever signed. Cause I thought that'd be sick if that happened. And then there'll be ones like going, Oh, my kid needs a new, you know, life support machine.

I'm like, Oh man, I've got to click a few things. Fuck that. That's gifted. Oh, Fuck that. That's gift aid. Oh, fuck that. Too many options. Yeah, I just...

Didgeridoo. Didgeridoo. Don't mind if I didgeridoo. Finally, a cause for me. Yeah, man, it's weird. But, like, saying that, on Friday, I went out after my show, I went out to the bar afterwards. I got chatting to these two lesbians.

Turned out they were lesbian. I thought, no, I'm joking. I knew from the off. But we ended up having this really cool chat about women in sport. You said you were joking, but you're talking to lesbians, aren't you? No, no, they were lesbians. And then I was having a chat with them, and one of them used to be an ex-pro football player.

Yeah. But like, got injured and stuff. So I was just like, wow, like, you must be dope at football. And we were just having this chat

about it and stuff and I kept telling her things of my genre and I started like joking and talking about drugs and things like that and comedy. Don't know how the conversation

went on to that. At the end of the night we were leaving and I went to her like, oh, so what do you do now? And she went, I'm a police officer.

And I'd been sitting there telling stories about times I'd been taking drugs or things like that to a knock to a knock and I just looked at her

and she went don't worry it's fine and I just was like oh she was super sound with it and super dope and then I went to do a thing

I went after a few beers I went how bad would it be if you just saw me leave and go get into a car after getting drunk do you think the job's

worth so do you think when they clock off they're just clocked off because you fucking weirdly I've got a couple of mates who are in the biggest gang in the world

it's just a gang isn't it well the police I thought you were going to say they were part of MS13 or something which is that Latina gang they've got a life branch now that gang has gotten it well what the police i thought you were going to say they were part of ms13 or something which is that latina gang i was like they've got a life branch now that gang has gotten off and on the police just a gang aren't they what the police yeah they're a gang i don't know no i think i think like it's just like you know when you take away the smoke and mirrors right

like like what i was saying about that um sapiens book in the homo deus where they're like about shared myths things that like would just agree on to be a thing right if you pull on a uniform and go buy a book that we wrote as humans it's all just stuff that we all made up right yeah they're they're a gang that like and they're gonna imprison you lock you up and don't get me wrong i'll take away your freedom for smoking a herb yeah i think it's but i think it's like anything i think it's like all right you're gonna get that one person in the job who's like going by the book then you're gonna get another, but I think it's like anything. I think it's like, all right, you're going to get that one person in the job who's like going by the book.

Then you're going to get another person in the job who's like, okay, the book's kind of stupid. I'll go by it when I need to go by it when the situation's right. And then you're going to get that absolute psychopath there who's just going,

I just want to club people. Like, and thank God we don't live in America because otherwise it would be, I want to shoot people, but over here, like the, what's the...

And I think most police, I think, they're with shoot people, but over here, like, what's the... And I think most police, I think, are there with the correct intentions and stuff. And, like, I've got a buddy who's doing really well in the police and he's a fucking really good lad and this is his sound of moral virtue and stuff,

but that is a fucking gang he's in, in my eyes, like... No, I don't think so. He's part of a big old gang. No, but then anything's a gang.

They fucking shoot people, they're in a gang. Yeah, but, like anything's a gang. They fucking shoot people, they're in a gang. Yeah, but, like, they... No. They shoot them correctly, they're a gang. Okay, they're a gang that are upholding, like, the laws that we've agreed on. They're still a gang. Not really, because, like, if you...

All right, let me put it this way, yeah? Is a bunch of footballers a gang? Like, because they're just hanging around. Yeah, is a bunch of footballers a gang? Like, because they're just hanging around. Yeah, but are they, yeah, going to bash your door in

and seize you in your possessions? Might be if they're West Brom on a trip to Barcelona. Then yes, they're a gang. Nah. Nah,

like, would you say, like, are they going to, are they going to fucking make you get out your vehicle and search you and shit? Nah.

Like, they're a gang. They're a gang that we've accepted and put in position and they're a gang that stopped all their gangs from... Is the army a gang?

I guess so. So, if... What do you reckon, like, would happen, yeah? This is what I always thought.

This is me going conspiracy theorist, yeah? One of my reasons against, like, the idea of a tyrannical government is because don't you think people in the army, yeah, when they're like, go do this, would do this would just be like nah bro it's my family that's all the thought i've given it when they do what like if they were like yo you've got to turn the guns

on the people of your country yeah and that no i don't think they'll do it well sorry where did this come from i don't know so you're right you're saying... So it went off me trying to explain the police as a gang. You were saying that a tyrannical government tells the army to turn the guns on its own people. Yeah. Oh, good switcheroo. Our chemistry's unbelievable. Hey, let's go with your thought.

If you were in the army in the 70s, I don't think many people would do it. No, I don't think hardly anyone. Yeah. It's weird that people... don't you think it's like weird because when you see like especially with all this gun debate in america at the moment yeah this is where it stems from from my my thought yeah when they're like but if the government gets tyrannical and you're like but you're usually the people who are the most like we support the troops but if the government wants to get tyrannical the people they would use would be the troops like it ain't gonna be

ain't gonna be Donald Trump turning up you know it would be the troops they probably work their way through the gears as well don't they they'll start with getting people

to turn the hoses on and that and the army will be like oh I'll I mean I wouldn't shoot me people but I'll wet them right yeah and then they're there

with the hoses like fucking some peaceful protest and then just fucking give them a good old wash see that's the good thing about this country and then and then you're not with the horses, like fucking some peaceful protest, and they'll just fucking give them a good old wash. See, that's the good thing about this country. And then, you're not going to change direction again, are you? And then they'll...

A little bit. I'm trying to go where you thought, you fucking ADHD cunt. And then they'll upgrade them to rubber bullets and stuff, and they're like, oh, rubber bullets, that's fine. So if they were going to turn their troops on the people, they'd probably just feed it through like that. Yeah, you see, because it would start with a hosepipe.

Over here, there's always a hosepipe ban. Oh, they do in the summer. So they would do it in the summer and be like, oh, no, the fucking tent is water. Get this written down. If you want to do a peaceful protest, you do it during the heatwave. Yeah, exactly.

So you've got like a two-day window, one day in Scotland. Speaking of troops and war I've been reading a lot of World War 1 books at the minute no you haven't you've been reading erotic fiction

no let me I know I've spoken about this already but I think the podcast listeners need to hear it go on right after

after after watching Peaky Blinders right and all of them guys in Peaky Blinders are shell-shocked from World War I. They've been tunnellers and shit like that in Flanders Field.

And I realised I know very little about World War I, so I wanted to read up on it. So I googled top ten World War I books, and the first one was this book called All Quiet on the Western Front, which, by the way, a fucking brilliant's uh it's written from the point of view of the of the german soldiers so it's it's interesting to hear that perspective because you've picked a side from birth right but then i'm listening to a point of view of this fucking child who's been subscribed

and he doesn't know what the fuck he's fighting for. And it's one of the saddest things that him and his pals are getting fucking hit with shells. And you're just like, you go, oh, fuck whose side am I on? I'm rooting for this kid. Isn't it with World War I? World War II was like, the thing behind it is we were fighting the Nazis. We were fighting that. But World War I was about empire, wasn't it?

So it was actually more like, the Germans were just the bad guys because they they were the alliance against us and our like it was it was over empire rather than like anything i'm gonna be honest i'm learning from you here right yeah you're looking to make answers because this book didn't give any answers of what world war one was about because the kids didn't know what it was about so it was from a point of view of ignorance so you're with them, they'll fucking get, so a shell will hit, right, and then they'll run to where the shell hits because that crater, they're not going to aim for that again because people are fucking dead in that direction

right, so they go in there and they're fucking bedded down while shells are landing around them and they're talking about why they don't know what they're fighting for, so they go what have we got against France so they're in France, what have we got against France why are we fighting against the French, I don't know what they're fighting for. So they go, what have we got against France? So they're in France, what have we got against France? Why are we fighting against the French? I don't mind the French.

It's like, I think France insulted Germany. That's what one of them said. He's like, how can a country insult a country? Like, did the mountains insult the rivers? Like, what the fuck? And he's like, no, the country, as in the state, like the government and the police. And the kid went, we're fighting for the government.

I don't like the government and the police. What for well it was technically glenn what about it he was he was going yeah because he'll just send like the kids and the work as and stuff over the trenches it's not the arms dealers that's not the first ones in the field it's not the politicians that are the first ones in the field so as much as like yeah I just fucking felt really sad for these young German men by the way that wasn't the erotic fiction no no I'm getting it I don't get off on World War 1

I'm getting it so I just sat there I imagine I threw you under the bus like that oh my god I'm just there at home jacking off

over Battlefield 1 so finished reading listening to All Quiet on the Western Front because I like my audiobooks right now They're at home jacking off over Battlefield 1. So, finished reading, listening to All Quiet on the Western Front, because I like my audiobooks right now. And I still hadn't learned much about World War I. So I was like, what's next?

Went on to be top ten list. And number two on the top ten list was a book called Birdsong by Sebastian Fox. I'm like, fuck. Four hours in. It's that like quarter of the book. Right. And then the war's just started now.

Getting to the good stuff. It's getting to the heat of battle now. But man, for the first few chapters, for book one, the entirety of book one, you know how sometimes books are separated into one, two, and three. The first book one is like this English dude living in France.

He's a 20-year-old textile worker.ance he's like a text he's 20 year old textile worker and uh he's come to find out about the french textile trade and he's staying in the house the big mansion of a factory owner in france and he ends up having a lewd affair with the frenchman's wife while he's staying on his property and it's just a love story this is how world war one started is it yeah some bloke went over there fucked the french girl and then we joined up with them and fought the germans for some reason i mean i'm learning this from you because i still haven't learned anything yet but i'm suspecting that's not how it happened um so there's all this tension between this

fucking lodger and the waif and then eventually they get it on but it's really passionate it's like this isn't this isn't a book for a fucking dude to hear about war

this is a book for like a lonely woman is this like 50 Shades of Grey just World War 1 edition kind of thing well it's

it wasn't like erotic all the way through it just gets to this point where they end up having having sex and it's really

well written right and fucking there's a bit where to clean up the mess, like they make sure there's no mess, she lets it pull out and then gives them a blotter, which is fucking...

Legend. God's gift to man, that's fucking wonderful. If there was more of that going on back then, there wouldn't have been World War I. Oh, mate, and as well, just now that it was like a 1910 bit,

just... Oh, yeah, she's getting an invite To the gentleman's Workman's club Isn't she I fucking had These birds are wicked too

Forget what you've heard The birds were great back then Lovely woman So Bear in mind When I'm fucking Listening to this audio book I've

I've just been Away with Natalie To the Alps, right? We're in a little commune. We had a shared room with a couple of other people, Brett and Mary, right? So I was sharing a single bed. We had a single bed each, but I just jumped in.

I had a spoon anyway, but I couldn't get laid because we're sharing a room. Because everyone's sharing the same bathrooms and stuff, I was quickly in and out, so I wasn't even tossing myself off to keep the wolf away from the gate. So when fucking this audio books banging on a wood pulling out and giving him a bluzz i started getting a twitch right so i was driving along in my car getting a bit of a semi on until i realized the book was being read by a dude the book the book was written by a dude.

This fucking Sebastian wrote us a story that Peter Redner was in. There I am with a heart on. I've got questions. Did you jack off over it? I was driving. Have you? Yeah, but... No, it doesn't matter.

No, I didn't. Ah. But did you not manage to get a wank away in the Alps? No. Did you not? Did you not? What's the most shameful place you get a wank away in the Alps? no did you not? what's the most shameful place you've ever wanked? I've done a drive in my car before I went to work

what's the mess like with that? that must be quite messy then if you go change the gear and you get a bit of splooge on a gear stick I think I just had a sock candy I just put on my spare uniform and a bag in that eye yeah yeah

the AA do recommend that with like the breakdown have a flashlight have a cone have a sock because I was wearing shorts

because I was going to there was a lifeguard on us I was going to wear my shorts on I just like fucking shot

into a sock doing my leg grim so anyway I didn't do none of that so that's that made us

question some stuff, because it's definitely not gay. It's not gay, no. But it did make us think, that was a dude turning us on, though. It's gay or not. He was turning you on with your own faults. He was giving you the faults of the thing.

I think a lot of people listening are having their own opinion on this right now like so but yeah it's let's think of you know on do you watch

House of Cards nah there's a bit where there was a dude in prison for like I can't remember what it was for

like fucking something fraudulent or hacking or something like that but he sell me it made him like start reading him like erotic stuff

like tell them erotic stories where he got his sell off it was really grim and I was watching and that's grim that's like a straight dude like attacking the straight dude about pussy to get him off but then i thought we sell there just kind of fearing fucking prison like yeah how long we can yeah how long do you reckon you'd last in prison before going gay i don't think i would nah i don't i don't know i don't think i did huh i don't think i'd do it either like it was i mean where did the question come from then elliot i don't know well i think me neither i've got an impending charge and i'm just

no it's just do you know do you know what yeah sometimes i watch like things about prison yeah and i sit there and I think man if you went jail in America and was white that's pissed bruv because you've got to become a Nazi nah you know what I mean

you've got to like no no no but like say you could join a prison gang yeah I don't think you've been watching too many movies you join a prison gang

you've got to like you've got to become a Nazi yeah why would you have to become racist just because you're you don't have to I think you'd have to

fake it like for a while what just to be accepted into a group just to be like I don't know just fake being black make the showers way more difficult

yeah blacked up in prison getting away with it imagine Yeah, I'm blacked up in prison getting away with it in a shower table. Imagine American History X, right? The showers, they come in, they hold you under the shower, and then all the black goes in it. There's just a load of confused Nazis.

I think you would have sweated it off by then. Oh, my god. What's happening? Swear. What am I talking about? I'm talking about prison. It must be hard to jerk off in prison if you've got a prison mate there. You've got to come up with some sort of rotor in it.

Like, alright man, you've got to go for a walk for like 10 minutes. I need to have a bash. Like like if you had a sound cell mate like they'll be like all right cool well on tuesdays i'll go for a walk for 20 minutes and we'll just do if you get like if you get like half an hour for dinner you could just go i don't know how long you get for dinner i don't know much about prison but um if you get half an hour you go right like two minutes past 12 like you go twelve and I'll go shortly after

so I've got to sell to myself for two minutes and then you get back like early and I'll come back on time

so you just give each other like a little bracket of sell time and then just turn back up early and I'll be

watching it must be it must be it must be difficult though like trying to jerk off in prison I'd be I'd be upset

that I wouldn't be able to do it like when I wanted that you've got to have a regular slot because your cellmate might go for that like 10 minute walk

but you might be like oh I didn't really want to jerk off now but I'm going to have to do it so like I've just done it this is what I do with my day Kai

I think about the big questions like this I haven't jerked off that often anymore I'm getting old I thought I wasn't

going to get laid last night like I said I'd been away from Natalie not away from her in her company but unable

and then I come back and I've stayed at Ricketts on his couch and stuff did you jerk off at Ricketts I thought I didn't.

Wow. I mean, I probably could have then, but... He wouldn't have minded. And then I get back, and Natalie, she'd done really well not to fall out with us yesterday. Yeah. She'd done probably well, didn't she?

Massively. She had every right to. She had every reason to be properly pissed at me, and she'd just swallowed it and just i mean i mean she didn't swallow it she buried the the emotion of being mad at us and just let it pass and i'm very appreciative because uh after my gig in nottingham, I had the car and I was going to be driving back after the gig but I ended up staying over.

I didn't just stay over too. I ended up getting totally fucked up until 9.30 in the morning and then went to bed and woke up at 3 and I was still a bit fucking drunk and I didn't want to drive back so I left a bit later

and we had dinner plans. Yep. And when I typed in, it was Saturday night because of traffic and shit i was gonna be late for dinner plans and uh she she rang us after work and she's on her way to meet you guys for dinner that i'm gonna be late to and she rang us and just ended up in this position where she didn't know i had borrowed danny's car which a long story but i needed his car for something he's in australia he couldn't put me on the insurance because in aust in Australia, so he's just like, oh, if you fucking get pulled over,

pretend to be me. And he gives that shit. I shouldn't have been driving his car, but I needed it to get to this other gig later in the week. And that's pretty remote. And Natalie was just like, so you're fucking coming home late

for dinner plans. You're driving a car with no insurance. If you fucking crash your insurance, the fucking wedding fund's just depleted. And she's got every fucking right to be pissed off for doing something like this.

But you weren't drunk driving? That's what I was trying to get at. I guess she was going, and now you're on your phone. She's bangers, right? Just like, now you're... So you're drunk driving on your phone with no insurance.

Just fucking... She had every right to be mad, but I'm like, I mean, at this point, you're exaggerating. I don't think I'm drunk driving, which is the whole reason I'm late. Like, I'm late because I give it time. Like mad but I'm like I mean at this point you're exaggerating I don't think I'm drink driving which is the whole reason I'm late

like I'm late because I give it time like if I was like oh shit I've got to make my dinner plans if I turned up in time for my dinner plans you'd be mad

just for drink driving you'd be mad just for being late but anyway she had every right to be fucked but when I saw her she was sound and then

this is probably TMI she's not going toMI she's not gonna share she's not gonna enjoy sharing this but when we got home I could tell that she was gonna punish us with abstaining when we got back right we're claiming the bed pajamas on and that like oh no you're not you're not gonna have sex with this are you because you feel like I need to be punished but Natalie why do you have to punish yourself and that's the reason why why the batteries on the thingy on the podcast recording of less charge today because she had to borrow him yes freak herself off as a podcast recorder my long-suffering fiancee oh i feel very very very

tired today by the way everyone because i've had a busy busy few days what have you been doing just fucking well i had a gig on monday that was is contention for it was a fun gig but one of the worst things i've so to explain to people i was doing a gig in bristol uh which was a new material and I was closing it but like the thing was was I got to do 20 to 30 minutes of new material now guess how it went if I tell you

I went on stage at 11pm yeah and where you on what position were you on the bill closing 11pm's not that bad on a Monday night

yeah that's pretty bad yeah yeah you want to be done by 11 like if my gig's gone past 11 like if like when I'm doing Punch Drunk if the gig's gone all by 11 yeah like if my gig's going past 11 like if like when I'm doing Punch Drunk

if the gig's going over 11 new material night as well by the way but in my head as a promoter I'm thinking like fucking people have got babysitters at home they've got taxis booked

they've got like work in the morning yep so you start like you start even if they even if the comic's like a fucking TV name

you're there pulling your hair you're fucking everyone's routines up man yeah yeah and you do that thing of going like, people do lose concentration. They go like, oh, fucking hell, I've got to be able to work for some... When did it start?

No idea, probably last week, Tuesday. It just went on and on and on forever, and I got off stage at about 22, because it was just the most heckly gig I've had in ages on a Monday night. Properly getting... I got murked a couple of times by a dog. A dog?

Not like this isn't me being sexual. It was a dog. By a dog, Kai. You got heckled by a dog? There was a dog in the... And everyone just started giving attention to the dog. Oh, my God. Who brings a dog to comedy? George Rigdon, the guy who was emceeing the fucking gig. The fucking horse attention to the dog. Oh, my God. Who brings the dog to comedy?

George Rigdon, the guy who was emceeing the fucking gig. The fucking horse brought his dog. And then handed it into the audience. And then brought me on stage. The horse brought his fucking dog. Yeah. He didn't need to either. His girlfriend was at home.

She could have left after the dog. He brought it as a bit. He just brought the dog to be like, I've got a dog. And I'm good mates with George. I'm very fond of him. I don't know why, because he does shit like this.

Hand it out. It's a fucking gorgeous dog, by the way. It's great. But that's even worse. If he's trying to hand out an ugly dog in the audience, everyone's like, oh no, get it away. But this dog, everyone's like, oh, an ugly little doggy. But now, so I had to be on stage.

And this little dog. Oh mate, it was adorable tiny dog handbag dog oh yeah proper cute shit dog I said on stage

I hope it dies like in the audience's arms like they wanted some Koreans to come in and start talking into it and I was like watch everyone go

I'm a dog and I'm there going yeah eat its head first so was he bringing his dog on mate he would bring it on stage and then he would

give it to an audience by the way there was a what type of stuff was he doing a roller what type of banter oh fucking

asking everyone what their job was whoever walked in like you know so the banter wasn't even about the dog. A couple times it was about the dog.

Like, I'm backstage getting ready. I'm trying new stuff. There's nothing. This is my comedy pet peeve, right? This is my one thing. When an MC does way too long, and I mean way too long. I hear the dummy make stand grab.

And that happened like three or four times. So he's about to bring me on. Bear in mind, right, this is a new material night. So they've had three sections. They've had three sections. Within two of the sections, there's George and then three acts doing 10. So that's the first two sections, right? There's loads of different acts.

And then me closing the bill. But he's then going on after each act doing another five minutes so he does the the dummy what's called the dummy mic stand grab where they grab the mic stand which is the international sign of i'm wrapping up you're coming on in a second i'm wrapping up and if you're a comic you do it as well to let the mc know hey i'm wrapping up he does it and then ask someone else what they do and i just walked on i just walked on and went yo bring this talk on oh i wish i booted it into the back of the audience it seems it seems like a

nice lad george i haven't met him from a sound guy yeah he was uh he was really funny on the battle rap and um oh he was hilarious but one of my uh only the only thing i know about him is when he probably uh fucked milo off at the fringe oh yeah they, yeah. They're good friends now, right? Oh, yeah. They're really good friends. George is a sound guy. He's a really good guy. But this is what happened.

You can correct me if I get any of this wrong, but George went to see Melo's show, and then Melo's show was quite bizarre. It was not his character. Yeah, it was out there. It was a one-man play about fucking time travelling and shit, right? I thought it was fucking amazing. I thought it was a work of art i thought it was funny well crafted well

like the pace of it was good you had to pay attention the whole way through to get it yeah yeah yeah and uh i like i walked out thinking that was fantastic like recommended it to people and then um but you can see why it might not be for everyone yeah you can see why some people might just go oh that's a bit weird yeah but it wasn't like uh it wasn't an offensive show he wouldn't walk away like george did and go that's the worst thing i've ever seen which he did oh no he said chris stokes he said i saw milo mccabe's show utter dog shit worst thing i've ever seen worst thing i've ever seen right yeah and he said this chris stokes who chris stokes directed milo's show, Teched it. Teched it, and went on before him to introduce the show.

Yep. So George had watched Chris and didn't clock that it was him, right? And then saw him in a pub later on and just said, hey, that show that you directed and announced and then properly mugged my life. And it just went round the whole of the fringe. Like everyone was like, George, is it true went round the whole of the fringe like everyone was like

George is it true but the thing the thing that I'll give credit to George for and we did this at the Dave party we all brought George over and made him tell the story is because if you don't own that story there are going to be bits added to it

yeah like that's the thing you've got to be careful like within car shares of comedians and it will turn out that like people will just add a bit to it to make it even funnier what a great four par though it's fucking incredible have you did have i told you i once did something like that or a four-par oh yeah man and in fact we know one of the guys

we know two of the guys on the show but i'll tell the story i was in a car share one time with mike wilmot marlon davis and ahir shah and we were talking lovely car share great car share we were talking about uh the band the midnight beast and i. We were talking about the band The Midnight Beast, and I was like, oh, yeah, I used to watch them on YouTube. I really liked them. And then I went, then they got this E4 show. It was fucking terrible. And then I went to hear, do you know it?

And he went, yeah, I was in it. Oh, no. Oh, that's good. And then we had, like, another five hours in the car together to this place. But then we sort of, we laughed about it, you know i mean like sometimes that just happens man oh well i tell you about my four pound monday night right

we social in the house party that i was up till 9 30 in the morning this was fucking i had i just wanted the ground open for monday it was horrendous and so in the fucking kitchen busy kitchen like fucking like we've got these like disco kind of moody lights on just washing over the ceiling and shit right and like music blasting and um dean's mate courtney the boy called courtney he does a lot of uh he runs the punch from nottingham gigs with dean and he's a fucking great kid right there i saw him like bent over the fucking counter playing on his phone and when I walked past I went

alright mate that's cute because he's us in joggers and then he looked over his shoulder and it wasn't Courtney it was Dean's

20 year old daughter Jade and I walked past Dean's daughter my mate's daughter and I spent it on the desk and went

off your melon off me fucking melon and went that's cute isn't it mate and then she turned around and I was just like no Jane honestly you gotta listen and then she was more offended that I wasn't saying it was cute

I was saying it was Courtney's she was like you think I've got a bloke's arse and fucking Courtney's arse is flat as fuck I went well I've got two options I can fucking tell you the truth which is what I thought you had a bloke's arse or I'm a fucking Me Too poster. So, aye, if that's the way I've got to fucking go,

it'll be a date. Happy International Women's Day. Oh, my God. I'm glad you laughed. Shall we tell the faux pas of Andrew Winton Stanley III? This isn't a faux pas. This is just great. This is just funny.

It's become such a funny running joke. I'm going to tell the story because Daniel hates me telling in-jokes as well. But he put an in-joke on the last podcast. That made me laugh so fucking hard. So it got added by a girl on Instagram called Morgan. Lovely girl listening right now. that movie we laughed so fucking hard so you it got added by a girl on Instagram called Morgan

lovely girl listening right now yeah yeah yeah on Twitter yeah on Twitter yeah yeah so she's been a listener of the podcast

any guests that we'll have on she'll add them and yeah ended up messaging her that her tweets were funny took her as payment for the podcast I've been a national woman

too for last week so so Morgan like comes to the punch drug gigs and stuff and she comes to the work in progress gigs

she's like great girl and you just got chatting to her and you saw what the same age right yeah yeah yeah 20 and 21 yeah yeah right and 21.

Yeah, yeah. And then when you were chatting to her, you found out that, like she adds everybody after the podcast, Andrew Stanley, last year, when she was 19, slid into our DMs, just titled in going, how was your Sunday? How was your Sunday going? How was your Sunday going?'s your Sunday going and erm

she just looked like that's a 37 year old man I'm fucking not going to but then on the last podcast when your dad slides into people's DMs

and says how's your Sunday and you two guests don't know what else do you want to talk about but I

we keep doing fucking memes we're doing memes about how it was yesterday Sunday fucking Sloss did one

with the pitch off the Shining with Jack Nicholson looking through the bathroom door that was yesterday Sunday

oh what a fucking bell I love throwing people under the bus on this podcast we're getting a bit

too frivolous with it though who else should we throw under the bus in this podcast we're getting a bit too frivolous with it though who else should we throw under the bus Tom Horton oh yeah oh hello can I introduce this section

as this week I'm throwing Tom Horton oh sorry this week on things Tom Horton has done that is podcast worthy Kai take it away this week on Tom Horton

so I was at this after party where I was complimenting people's bums off me melon and we started talking about jokes that get like

people's jokes getting lifted by other comedians and joke theft and how the industry polices itself yeah yeah yeah and I've got a joke

that is situational I don't use it unless and it's a very it's a joke that can easily be borrowed yeah and again it started getting borrowed more and more

and basically it's if one person starts clapping and they think the whole room is going to start clapping but the applause doesn't take fire and then I'll like do some form of mocking the person's leadership skills you try to start a round of applause but didn't quite have the leadership skills and just make it like

like bring a bit of attention on them it's a bit of fun it's something I'll need in a very specific situation did you say it once and it killed and then like you've just gone oh yeah there we go that was me i'd live with like fucking probably five years ago right and then um i remember laying with an old saws do it and then it was like oh shit i didn't realize that was your bit i i've been doing it and he apologized to us for doing it. Yeah, good lad. I don't know if he stopped or not, but he apologised.

But you've had a couple of people message you that they've seen people doing it. I had people messaging and saying, this kid I'd worked with last year, Rory Lowe, was doing it in Australia and then I text one of the promoters just saying, hey, if Rory Lowe does my bit at your gig, pay me instead. But what I do for the payment is just put it behind the bar for the acts

right so I'm saying to people if he uses my joke it's beer money like his payment is beer money I'm not going to

have a ball out of him or anything but I'm just going to let him know and then obviously since I messaged that he got in touch with me

just going guy I'm really sorry I must have absorbed it yeah I don't think he was malicious so I'm at the point now where I'm fucking putting, I must have absorbed it. Yeah, I don't think he was malicious. So I'm at the point now where I'm fucking putting out fires to try and keep hold of it as my bit. I'm at the verge where I'm going to have to fucking just let it go

and it becomes stock, right? The stock has to come from somewhere. And I'm in a position where I'm reluctant, but it's getting to that point. So I'm telling that story about how this is the bit that I'm going to lose. And then the whole fucking staff base lit up and go, oh, oh, Tom Horton did that at the last Punch Drunk gig.

Fucking Tom Horton. This is it. Punch Drunk's fucking my gig. And he says half the room didn't laugh because they'd heard it before from you. Oh, of course. The gig that I host. I wasn't there because I was off in LA with Sloss.

Oh, and then he probably did his avocado joke. Bless him. Fucking. Bless him, but he was there. I fucking put it in the group WhatsApp chat the day.

And he got rinsed. He got fucking slaughtered the day but he was so apologetic about it, but. I went on a night out with Tom a couple weeks ago

and I'm pretty sure we ended up at a house party in a millionaire's flat that we weren't invited to. Oh yeah? Yeah, like i genuinely like you know when you walk into a place you know like no these these people don't want me here and

like someone's like no we'll make them want us here i know it was good it was a good night for the wrong reasons uh he pushed his luck a lot he pushed his luck a lot in general hilarious oh that's why I love him. Should we stick it to some muggles? We should stick it to some muggles, yeah. But Tom, go and stand in the corner for 30 seconds. Standing there for fucking life, mate. Making me livelihood. I can't wait to see him do a show about saving a kid with cancer.

Because he's going to... Oh, yeah, do it. Doing my punch drug show. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to do Muggle Corner and we'll just do one each oh okay because it's

time's ticking and I just realised I've only wrote one down that's actually not ticking that fast have you got two yeah I've got two you go first then

and we'll go back okay I'll do my first one because this is just something that I just did to you Muggles tell you to do something a certain way and go because i know what you like and then make up a hypothetical scenario to get

angry about which i just did to you because you were making me a coffee and you went to put a bit more milk in it i went no don't put more milk in it because it'll float at the top i know what you like and then i saw you didn't even think I'd see it but I saw this look on your face you pulled a face and I felt really guilty

like I glared over it you're not expecting it to be looking back because it just sounded like you were doing it from your phone because I was like I think I was like

I think I've made these a bit strong because you asked for a buggy I put because you're fucking always whinging about how I make

your coffee because you get it wrong on so many occasions and it's not difficult I'm sorry you expect this chat from your pals like

that's what I said when you fucking got a little bag I was like shit that's like someone I've fucking lived with for 20 years but the amount of times

like you'll make a cup of tea and then I'm bleeding from the mouth and you go oh the secret ingredient is bleach like why are you putting

that in there i mean you're exaggerating i am but you did you sometimes like i'll just ask for something and then it'll come over and i'm like kyle why is this trying to do i was like oh he's probably gonna complain that's not enough milk and even though there's loads just there's a lot of coffee so it's fucking dark and then uh you just say oh don't put more milk to be fair though you've already fucked up by putting too much coffee in it it's not a difficult drink to make yeah and I always make a fucking

real effort to make it specifically how you want it because I know what you like it shouldn't it shouldn't be an effort because you ask seeing as I know what you like it's the most patronising

fucking muggle comment isn't it yeah it's my mum does it loads like she'll make up a hypothetical scenario like I'll bring a drink

into the room into like same round my mum like i'll bring a drink into the room into like same around my mom's i'll take a drink in the living room and she goes i know what you're like you need to use a coaster otherwise you're going to knock it over and then it's going to fall on the carpet and then the cat's going to go down there and burn itself and i'm not the cat like i just sat there and going you're angry about something you've just imagined yeah like i haven't done anything of those things i probably will do them yeah you know what i'm like but that's just your mom pattern forming she's pattern formed work you out and applied the logic or like she knows what your

leg she knows what i'm like but like if there's like some biscuits out there she's like you have one but don't finish them i know what what you're like. And you're like, what man? Like, it's just, you've just imagined this thing and you're angry about it. Now, now I've got to finish it

out of principle. You know what I mean? So I don't look like a little bitch? Yeah, fucking talk to me like that. Lucky I don't smack you. Not even blinking up, breaking an eye,

can't even fill your mouth with biscuits. Is this what I'm like? I'll just, I'll just put them on with biscuits is this what I'm like I'll just I'll just put them on the floor and stamp on them because I can speaking of biscuits

our friend Ryan Cullen has been fired from Facts oh sad sad day it's a sad day sad day so our friend Ryan Cullen talented Irish comedian used to eat biscuits

for a living eats biscuits for a living which is a source of a lot of our joy we went to Bitha and someone came up to him in the shop

and went are you Ryan from Facts and recognised him from eating biscuits on the internet and then bought him a pack of biscuits bought him a pack of biscuits

made him eat them because now he's like yeah he's been fired from Facts I saw him last week in London he hasn't been fired it's just not happening

anymore is it oh sorry it's not happening like obviously his job is no more it'd be cooler if he got fired

because he just walked in ate a biscuit and went I can't take it anymore and threw him away just started enjoying them

instead of complaining yeah would you would you eat biscuits for a little bit sounds good

I would like fucking no carbs before mobs and all that I'd just spit them out vomit afterwards I'd be

bulimic yeah you know what I'm thinking if that yeah why no carbs before mobs and all that I'd just spit them out vomit afterwards I'd be bulimic bulimic nah yeah you know what I'm thinking if that yeah why the fuck not

I love interesting shit like that interesting shit like that biscuits biscuit eating you know what a weird fucking job to have if I had said that

by the way can I just point out so many times on this podcast you say something stupid but then when I say something stupid like like MLMO or something, whatever. Oh, that's fucking stupid. No, man.

That's a word you made up. No, it's not stupid. I can't remember what you said, like interesting. You said fucking fire was the biggest element in cool. No, but I'm kind of right. You're kind of wrong. No smoke without fire. Carbon.

That's what I was saying about it. My sweet princess. wrong no smoke without fire carbon so i was saying if i would it must be printed i was meant to have a theory test for driving today i'm fucking so glad i've not done it like i've got so many of them questions wrong on my little app on my phone man like it's not even funny it asked me one about what to do if you arrive at a crash and i genuinely thought like i'll move all the bodies i was like you want to move them out of the way that wasn't even on the it was it was like get there and move all the bodies

and it was like wrong and I was like well I'm not just going to leave him in the middle of the road there's other

cars coming through makes sense where have the cars come from put yourself in the middle of the road I'll put my

car there put the hazards on because the car is in the middle of the road and it stopped and I'll just

drag in my head there's like burning cars and stuff and I'm dragging people out of them like I'm like Superman in my head there's like burning cars and stuff and I'm dragging people out of them like I'm like Superman

in this situation it just asks a lot but there wasn't an option of you just saving the day there wasn't an option of you just being the fucking everyday hero

oh like what I would is like get there and check their breathing and it's like yeah I was gonna do that and then move them out of the way you would drive on

that's what you would do you tell them the story like oh I'd be a hero you would just be like, didn't see a thing. That wasn't an option. You know what I'm like. No, I think...

So you booked in for your theory test, failed on the app, and then didn't turn up. Yeah, pretty much. I just thought I'd say, I'll have a day where I do what I want because I fucking hate driving lessons man like fuck me I get it

you get in a car you go you drive check your mirrors mirror signal manoeuvre all this lardy though right like idiots can do it I can do it but just why do I have to sit a theory test why because you're not just learning how to drive

you're learning law you're learning the law of the road you're learning like a portion of the fucking rule book i know the law of the road clearly not you couldn't pass a fucking multiple choice question driving where the answers were in front of you driving didn't know the answer when it was there driving is just reading the vibes of the road that's all it is is vibing it's like being in a jazz band you're a jazz driver yeah

just you know what I mean just vibe just like what's that guy doing cool he's being a dickhead I read the vibe gonna sit back a little bit um

you wouldn't if someone was being a dickhead you wouldn't read the vibe and sit back you'd be fucking claiming for your window trying to muay thai kick your sauce off

no I wouldn't I'm very calm when I drive would you fuck be a calm driver your window trying to might kick your exhaust off no I wouldn't I'm very calm when I drive would you fuck be a calm driver did I tell you in one of my lessons right

so I'm driving down this road it's a 20 mile per hour road and there's a zebra crossing and there was someone behind the zebra crossing

so I switched down into first gear and I go to slow down because they're stood behind the zebra crossing so in my mind they're going to cross so I stop

they don't cross so the car behind me beeps now I'm a learner bro I do the rest of this road in first gear at like 10 miles per hour and my instructor

yeah and my instructor's going you can put it up into second and go at 20 I went no he beeped at me and my instructor's like what

I'm like no no no this guy's beeping at me no I'm going I'm now going to take longer how fast were you going I was doing the speed limit which is 20 in first gear no no no no i dropped down into first gear because if you're doing 20 mil on first gear so i keep in first gear and do about 10 and like just doing about 10 mile per hour another time

I was coming out I was on a road on a road called Ross Road it's very difficult it's a junction and it's very difficult to turn right because there's buses loads of cars going it's on a hill very difficult so I'm just sat there and like you know how it is with driving you gotta wait you know how it is when you're learning and driving I'm not taking any risks I've got to sit there I've got to wait till it's clear I can't bully my way out so this car behind me starts beeping so i'll just give him the finger and i'm a learner driver and like their faces when they realize the learner was giving them a finger the instructor must have been like oh he didn't see he didn't see no but i've but this is the thing yeah it's like don't fucking get rude because i'm a learner like what's what's my

instructor gonna do yell at me we're's my instructor going to do yell at me we're two adults he ain't going to yell at me my instructor's sound as well so we were just going down this road at 10 and he was like you know you could go

into second and go at 28 I'm like no he beeped at me and my instructor's like well if you do that on your test you're going to fail I was like yeah but you can't

I don't think you should beep at learning you steal to this between me and him unless you're gonna get out and throw something at his car keep your mouth shut like nah

he's cool though oh man I give someone the thumbs up for letting us out the other day but like it took us everything to give him the thumbs up just yet because

me muscle memory was to flip the bird honestly like I was just like instantly now he just fucking give him the middle finger that me mate Can

did that on request me and Sloss were getting we were drunk and Can was the one sober and he was giving me a lift from one side Edinburgh to the other

he was waiting to go into the St James's car park and the guy flashed him out and Sloss just being drunk went give him the middle finger and me mate sober as a judge just fucking

stuck his middle finger up with this guy and fucking let him in the guy just lost trust in everybody he'd get late at the age of 15

I was like that's the rudest thing I've ever seen imagine being that guy oh man how are you ever you have to get a therapy account

over that how are you going to you have to go to therapy to get over that how are you going to be nice to anyone again i don't know why but things like that bring me so much joy in life oh man i've got a lot of intrusive thoughts that i would just be like really rude to people for no reason i was sat in this i was sat in this so i was in a writer's room thing today load of people i didn't know were having to write work on this project to write things down and a bit of me i was just sat there and i thought what if i just started shouting like really racist things right now i wonder what would happen like just if i just started seeing a guy now i know black in the union like

what would happen not how you feel but you just want to see people's response if you were that guy yeah your brain would they be like you've want to see people's response if you were that guy. Yeah, your brain. Would they be like, you've got to go? Are they just going to sit there and pretend it didn't happen? Yeah, we were on a walk the other day. I walked the Wirral Way with Ricketts.

We'd done 12 and a half miles down the Wirral. It was kind of boring, actually. It was a lovely company. It was like Ricketts and Fran, but it's an old railway line with bushes either side, but it doesn't really change from that for the full 12 miles. It's like I was expecting to see David Ricketts and Fran but like it's an old railway line with bushes either side but it doesn't really change from that

for the full 12 miles it's like I was expecting to see David Bowie and a baby oh why do people do this shit but yeah it was really nice

because we just fucking sang Lollipop Lollipop like Stand By Me reference he didn't get I do I've seen that film yeah no but

it was a fucking really good day but when we got to this there was this golf course outside the track. And I saw that, you know, that wall sign where there's ice cream. I was like, there's some ice cream there. And I went in.

There was just this lady in a little tuck shop with a fucking ice cream thing. I just, I really wanted to rudely order the ice creams. I really just wanted to go, give us two fucking ice creams now. Like, just to see. Because I was a plain person, right? I went in I offered to buy her one she said no

and I felt really bad because I was like should I now tip out for the money I was going to use to buy an ice cream nah you're kind of going

would you like an ice cream but I'll have the money why did you you offered to buy the lady in the shop an ice cream yeah thought it was a nice thing to do

bought me because we just had a little chat I bet she gets free ice cream nah she probably does but we were just having a little chat I bet she gets free ice cream nah she probably does but we were just having a nice little chat she's just in this remote place

right where I'm coming so my disposition in that situation what I'm trying to say is I am the fucking friendliest guy alive in that situation but there was just something

tugging at us to just there's a couple of fucking ice creams don't look at us be rude I don't know why it seems so alien

it seems so alien it seems so alien to be rude in just a situation like that that I kind of just want to see it happen yeah but have you ever tried it

I never would it's fucking great being rude I couldn't do it it's fucking brilliant man like you will get you will get like it's really weird right

there are some times in life I think you do have to come across rude and one of the times I turn up to a gig a theatre gig and you know

where you're just left standing in a foyer but they've not taken me backstage or anything and I'm like hey I'm doing this and they're like oh whatever

and then you actually like go usually I'm very polite and just this one time I can't remember why I just went look I've come to do a show

like show me where I'm meant to go otherwise I'm just going to go home so you've become a diva and I became a diva but then this is the worst because diva's effective

but then I fucking got an apology they took me back got me a beer and it was like oh I can see why there are some people

on the circuit you will hear stories about I can see why they'll do that now yeah but don't become yeah it's not worth the trade-off it's like if you if you fucking shirk around you you'll save yourself 50 quid but you'll be known as the guy that shirks the round and just so don't be that guy like even if it's going to cost you more money to not be that guy right or even though it's going

to cost you more time to not be the guy that's the diva you're not the diva guy yeah so it's worth because I don't know once when I was going to Tain the Park and there was me

and my plus one which was Natalie and they didn't have the ticket the accreditation for me plus one but I knew I had one and I had the confirmation

and they weren't going to let Natalie in did you kick off I was running late for my gig and I just said to the person I was like I'm due on that stage in like fucking 40 minutes and I've still going to let Natalie in. Did you kick off? I was running late for my gig and I just said to the person, I was like,

I'm due on that stage in like fucking 40 minutes and I've still got to get there and get sorted. I'm not going to be on that stage because I'm going to be here and it's your fault, not mine.

Because I'm not going through without my plus one because we're not getting separated and on a situation like this, what if she doesn't get in and she's just stranded outside the thing? Nah, not happening. I'm like,

I'm stood here until she gets her pass and I'm not going to go in to do't get in and she's just stranded outside they're thinking nah not happening I think I'm stood here until she gets her pass and I'm not going to go in to do me showing it's your fault and so I was a bit of a diva then and then just fucking

that person didn't want the panic of somebody not being on stage and I walked away thinking oh fuck being a diva's effective because if I had just went

oh that's a shame and then just done my thing Natalie would still be stood outside she's still there now she'd still be there you know what she's like she would have starved to death yeah it can work being a diva but no you don't you don't want to get uh known as like that being uh the you're the person who does that especially at like as lower level as i'm at

sometimes when i'm turning up to a theater gig it's not like i've sold out of theater i'm doing a gig there what have you got for muggles yeah that's what I was looking at now because the time's ticking this is something

I wrote last week men were asking why there isn't an international men's day there is one yeah this is the 19th of November

and I saw Richard Herring reply to everybody telling them when it was that was very funny those men are such cucks man which one they're such cucks the ones asking why there isn't an international men's day the same way I find fucking I fired at everybody, telling them when it was. That was very funny. Bro, those men are such cocks, man. Which one? They're such cocks.

The ones asking why there isn't a national men's day. The same way I find fucking guys who wear... Why is there not a white pride march? Yeah, this is what a feminist looks like, sure. And then you go, why isn't there an international men's day? You're the same fucking group of annoying men. Fuck me. What happened to men just being men? Do you know what I mean?

Whatever happened to, like, you go, you lift some weights, now you've got these fucking guys who are, like, the vegan wearing this is what a feminist looks like shirt, and then you've got the other scrawly fucking... Now it's getting to the point, isn't it, where the alpha, like, manly macho man is less of a problem than this fucking wet blanket beat up male? And then you've got these fucking internet white guys

with glasses there who, like, watch Sargon of Akkad or, like, tweet Tommy Robinson. And you've got these guys, glasses there who like watch Sargon of Akkad or like tweet Tommy Robinson. And you've got these guys and you're like, oh, come on, bro, man. Why don't you try being a fucking guy? Do you know what the problem with these guys is? Is they just don't know how to chat with women. That's what I think all of their problems are. Well, they're the national men's day guys.

Yeah, they're just like, why have women got a thing? And you're like, oh, bro, you've just never... Like as if they've picked a side. Yeah, like, oh, I'm a a side yeah yeah fuck me but i'm doing everything to not say a word that i want to say because i know within the context of it i'll look bad but they they just fucking infuriate me because when people talk about white pride march or anything like or why isn't there a white pride day it's because what are you celebrating oh the colonisation

of Africa oh that was a great thing wasn't it like you're talking about all of these things you're not you're not you're not proud

of your history as a white person no you're fucking not I think there should be like a fucking white apology day I would totally go on a white apology day

and be like sorry I'm still gonna milk some of the privilege I hope you don't mind oh yeah I would totally go out of my way and apologize and be like, sorry, I'm still going to milk some of the privilege. I hope you don't mind. I'm going to coast. Is that okay? I know it wasn't me,

but I'm also going to reap the benefits of what wasn't me. Oh, absolutely, man. Like when I'm talking about police officers, police officers earlier saying they're all sad. I imagine if I was not a white man, that would be a very different opinion on it. But they've always been sound to me yeah man all that all that there's no international why is there an

international men's day it's just it's just a way for fucking people so that women international men's apology day where we apologize on behalf of men i don't think it should be that either i think guys who say things like that are cocks as well. What are you fucking apologising for? What, have you done anything wrong? No, shut up and get on with your day. But if you're going to put us in a group, sorry about these guys that you've lumped me in with. I am a dude, but some dudes fucking suck.

Sorry on behalf of my team if you want to put us in a box. They absolutely do. I always sit there and I had i had it once i didn't realize how bad it was until one night i've talked about this on a podcast before i went out with lovely lily from off the car went out after a show having a few drinks she works at the agency and stuff and i had to pretend to be like her boyfriend to get this guy to leave her alone and ended up in like nearly a fight situation and putting his arm right in her mouth

you've started really method now like you're getting really mad because you're thinking now he thinks I'm her boyfriend and she's still going

you've disrespected my hypothetical yeah and now I'm like my mum has been creating a hypothetical getting myself

into a fight I'm going bet this guy would finish all the biscuits as well what a cunt yeah can you imagine O imagine outside of the loft bar

when Natalie needed to go into the toilet before getting a taxi? That was ridiculous. The doorman wouldn't let her go into the bathroom, but because she knew that she wasn't going to let back in, she said she was pregnant and needed the toilet, and the doorman still wouldn't let her go back in to use the toilet. And now all of a sudden, this guy hasn't let my pregnant back in to use the toilet and now all of a sudden this guy

hasn't let my pregnant fiance use the toilet and even though she's not pregnant and she's just drunk and needs a piss and he's got every right

to turn her away with the information he's been given like I just got like fucking as if I had to protect something like you know

like because I wanted to fucking move through him I was gonna be like right fucking you're gonna have to fucking wrestle one or both of us out of this fucking situation through them I was gonna be like right fucking you're gonna have to fucking wrestle one or both of us

out of this fucking situation I think I think the doorman or whatever in the Gilded Balloon in anywhere anyway

are the biggest fucking cunts alive some of them are sound man some of them some of them you've done a sweet generalisation there with some of them

oh yeah some of them are really sound my reason my reason for saying that is because i think they hate most of all the comedians because we're the reason they got to work there till 5 a.m like the other bars and stuff shut around about three and they've got to sit there

for an extra couple of hours because we're there and i remember one time you were just dancing it was like so think you're funny party you were just there having a dance and one of them came over and told you off about the way you were dancing do you know i must have been dancing amazing it was great everyone was there had me cockos stood on my head you were pissing everywhere it was incredible no it came over and was like i've told you i remember just thinking like fuck man you see when people are like how did nazi germany happen it happened because this motherfucker like you're the kind of guy who's given a modem of power and i get to control people now i'm never surprised that the nazis happened yet because there's so many people out there who once they're given that little modem of power you see it with ticket

inspectors ticket inspectors are the same you give them a modem of power and i nearly got in a fight with another ticket inspector that's in the not the world war one book I read not the raunchy one bird song but they're all quite on the western front is the guy that was

the drill sergeant like that fucking on the patrol was a postman in their area and all of a sudden he's been given a position of power just based on a

draft right and the fucking postman's just fucking pulling rank and they're just like who the fuck is this dickhead but they have to step in line and then you give that them guys half the fucking dudes with a security at a festival where they're like the three-day security those three-day security guys where they're not security all year round so they haven't like learned how to act and they're just like oh fuck i can just tell them i've got info could i tell quickly the story could you fact check this speaking of what over time mate should we just do a longer podcast yeah god yeah i'll just tell this story quickly see i was putting it into the group it's when i met gareth on the train to sheffield yeah

so uh i was doing last laugh in sheffield And, you know, you've talked about this before. The flat, the house is miles from Sheffield Station. It's in Rotherham. It's in Rotherham, right? So I'm on a train. I'm in a cab going to the station. And I went, I'm not going to book my ticket for this train because I don't know if I'm going to make this train. Cab pulls up and I've literally got to run.

Now, there's no barriers at Sheffield. So I'm like, I'll buy a ticket on the train. Yeah. Right? Not an illogical thought, that. That's like, you can do that. Yeah. Get onto the train and who do I see but Gareth Waugh.

It just so happens to be on the train. It just so happens to be on the train. He's going to Birmingham. I'm changing at Birmingham. Fucking brilliant, right? So I sit down. One of my best mates is there. Ticket inspector comes through.

And I go, hey, mate, I need to buy a ticket. So I don't try to get out of it. I'm straight away, like through i go hey mate i need to buy a ticket so i don't try to get out of it i'm straight away like flag him down i need to buy the ticket he goes it's 46 pound 50 and i went i've got a young person's rail card he went i can't accept that you can't use that on the train so i go fine whatever even though the ticket was 15 quid i was like fine i'll go to pay for it, and his machine doesn't work. So I'm like, okay. So the train pulls into Derby. It's pulling into Derby. So then I just buy myself online a ticket from Derby to Birmingham. And then download the ticket.

And then download the ticket. And then I go to the guy, I just need a ticket from Sheffield to Derby. And he's like, okay, can I see your young person's rail card? I went, yeah. Took my young person's rail card and then goes to me, hands me this form and goes, you need to fill it in because you've now broken the laws of the train system, what have you. You need to write this down

so we can send you a fine. I went, I'm not fucking doing that. And he went, well, I'm not giving you back your young person's rail card. I went, I don't give a fuck. And in the back of my mind, I'm like, I've still got my receipt because this has happened to me before this is this is my first rodeo cowboy and then uh so he then the rest of the journey whatever i walk

out of birmingham new street station he comes up to me and he goes give me your id and i'll give it back uh i went he's asking now for formal identification so like driving license whatever provisional and i went no mate like i'm not fucking giving you it and he went well i'm keeping your thing i'll keep it as a momentum and he went you know i can go through the system and find it and i went no but you can't you can't do that otherwise you wouldn't be asking for it and then as we walk out the station he comes back up to us and i turned to him i went mate you're not on the fucking train anymore like now you're just a guy who's taking my young person's rail car i'll fucking grab it back off you there's nothing there's no one there to stop me from doing it and i went in that level where gareth was like oh now you're being a dick yeah you're abusing

stuff yeah yeah but you love the train but he's in his jurisdiction yeah yeah but fucking because you know when you see them signs in train stations where it says like please don't abuse our staff and there's a picture i'm crying and i think like yeah but what the fuck did the member of staff do abused you yeah like they'll they'll have gone on a little power like you can't if if that situation i'm sure went anywhere and i went he just stole my young person's rail card that's what's happened you know one of the angriest i've ever been in a security was at rock nest in 2013 gav had a broken back and he'd been through back surgery

to get his two fucking vertebrae fused together to become one and he was barely walking but he took on

the fucking he'd come to this festival anyway as a disabled person right and he went to use the disabled toilets and the woman

wouldn't let him right she was like nah it's for disabled people only, he was like, showing how he scar, he was fucking hobbling,

he's like, I've got a broken back, and she was like, nah, just because he's like, upright and didn't look disabled, how do you fucking look disabled, you know,

and she was like, nah, the public toilets are down there, fucking males doing the hell with queues, and Gav, fucking bless him, had to just fucking walk like a cowboy with a broken back

with a fucking with a pin in his back and a fucking fresh wound and fucking hobbled out of the thing and I was like oh the closest I've come to hitting a woman

happy international women's day she fucking boiled my piss for a while because if that was a fucking dude like I would have held him

while I've used that bathroom absolutely and this is why men earn 15% more because they're in more danger we are being

we are being fucking horrendous on this podcast we've become too comfortable in these shoes I can't wait for Daniel to come back

and just have to clear up the mess on the left what are you doing guys we're only joking people it's just jokes I've got to the point now where I've been listening

to Dave Longley's podcast too long and I'm just like you can say that them jokes that are steeped in irony but like so dry they look like they're not

yeah because it's so I love listening to his podcast because it's so fucking refreshing it's great it's so refreshing how he just talks on that podcast the way people talk in a room with their podcast because it's so fucking refreshing. It's great. It's so refreshing how he just talks on that podcast. The way people talk

in a room with their friends. Yeah. It's perfect. Nice. I'd like to play a bit and be more like him. Probably kind of get us into trouble. What would be your only one reason?

What would be your reason if like, if you, say a woman came at you, what would you do? No, this is one thing I've always said. I would just take a beating if that happened in that situation.

I would just let her punch herself out. I'm not going to fight back against a woman. Maybe restrain. Maybe restrain, but I wouldn't do impact. But if a woman hit Natalie, that's not a woman anymore, that's a fucking enemy. She's getting kicked as shit.

I wouldn't fucking do it. If a fucking woman went and hit my fiance, dead, kick her the fuck. God blotch. He's not a fucking, that's it.

I guess I'd say regardless if I had kids. Woman just starts hitting me kids knock her out oh I thought you meant if another kid hit your kid you'd fuck the kid up

oh one of my favourite things ever was I didn't even finish watching the series either The True Detective season 2

with Colin Farrell where his kid gets bullied off the kid spoiler alert if you haven't watched it Colin Farrell guns the kid's hoose and knocks the dad out in front of the kid oh what a beauty but that that would probably

be my first option though if if a woman hit natalie knocking her boyfriend right okay unless it could have us um there i probably i don't know what happened to muggle Corner there but it seems to happen every week I don't know, I ended up beating a woman up but at the end of that I'm very passive I'd hit a woman with another woman just to continue the train of last podcast hit a woman with her own baby

I don't give no fucks you know what I'm like this is why we should have stopped the podcast before the hour we're well over an hour oh sorry sorry sorry

I didn't realise I've got a gig to go to as well you fucking oh shit we're well over it sorry my bad

right your dad wears a GoPro to job interviews to try and find out why he never gets the job but he still hasn't figured out that that's the reason your dad goes UFO hunting but he still hasn't figured out that that's the reason.

Your dad goes UFO hunting. Your dad washes his car topless and cut off shorts and really works it. Your dad is still on his gap year. Your dad crowdfunded his labor section. Your dad's left strict instructions for his eulogy to be in Klingon. Your dad filled in a which friend's character are you survey and he was gonna. Your dad spent his life savings trying to win a teddy bear out of a claw machine your dad walks around took your whole street off

and massaged people's feet for baggy your dad's desktop background is a picture of a dirt bike your dad and dad the world's strongest man not the competition, the bloke, the partners Your dad drives an automatic Milo Skinny jeans are really baggy on your dad

Your dad is a member of the NRA Despite living in Northumberland Your dad turned his mirror upside down AndRA despite living in Northumberland. Your dad turned his mirror upside down and couldn't understand why his reflections stayed the same way up. Your dad sold his soul to the devil to get up a prestige on Call of Duty. Fuck you, Ward. You're not my dad. Your dad sits down with his legs crossed to piss.

Your dad proposed to your mum with a mood ring and when she put it on it turned black because she was fucking livid. Your dad had a stroke and when he smelt the toast burning he went in the cupboard and got some marmalade before passing out. Your dad is the only person who's ever actually told Stanley how his Sunday is going.

Beautiful. When the bus driver said he didn't give a change, your dad said he didn't give a fuck. Took your seat. Oh, that would be heroic. You just moved on and went, I'm not okay, mate. Someone took my young person's rail card on a train last week. Ballin'. We're sorry.

Started slow but got good that one. Are we still on? You can also leave reviews on iTunes please leave a review on iTunes let me know what you think I'd love to know what you think

even if it's like fucking well you've got this far it's just a load of abuse I can't leave a review I enjoyed it bye

goodnight